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[audience cheering, whistling]

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[emcee] Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr!

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[cheering and applause]

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All right, thank you!

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Thank you very much.

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Thank you, thank you, thank you.
How are ya?

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How's it goin'? All right.

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You guys standin' up, sit down.

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Sit down.

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See if I'm funny.

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I've been inside for a year
and a half just like you.

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All right. It's nice to be
out here in Denver, man.

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[cheering]

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[chuckles]

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It's legal on a state level,
but not on a federal level, man.

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Everybody out here dressing
like they're fuckin' goin' hiking.

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[chuckles]

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Your North Face pajamas
and all this shit you guys have.

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You guys all live inside.

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So,

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how have you guys been doin', man?

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How has your pandemic been?
You enjoyed it?

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You been staying inside?

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Are you being safe?

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[man] No!

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I am so fed up with people--

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"I ain't bein' safe!
I don't fuckin' believe in it!"

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"It's all a bunch of lies!"

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We're just totally divided.

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The people that are like,
"You gotta get vaccinated."

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"You have to wrap yourself in an afghan,

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and you gotta cover your face
and hold your breath

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when you look at pictures of people."

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And you got the other side,
"I don't give a shit!"

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"I'm gonna have my balls out,
walkin' down the street,

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'cause that's
what Jesus said in John 13."

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"I read it in my bible study class.
I don't give a fuck."

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"And if I get it,
I'm goin' to the hospital and be like,

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'All right, fix me, you were right.'"

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Everybody, all hypocritical.

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All the liberals, "You gotta wear
the mask, gotta wear the mask."

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Then half of them when they talk,
they're pullin' it down.

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They got it up under their fuckin' nose.

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Then the other assholes,
they were all patriotic for years.

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"America, love it or leave it!"

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"Support the troops!"

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"You don't like it, get the fuck out."

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"America, love it or leave it."
All right, take the vaccine.

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"Well, I don't trust the government."

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Where the fuck did that come from?

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I thought you were all about it.

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I thought you were waving the flag
and all of that shit.

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Listen, here's the deal.

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We're never gonna solve this shit
until we all get on the same page,

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which we know is never gonna happen,
it's never gonna happen.

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So, we gotta set up
some Hunger Games shit to solve it.

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And whoever wins, wins.

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It's the non-vaxxers versus the vaxxers.

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So there's a giant field,

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and all the people
who don't want to get the vaccine,

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all the fatties
and the fuckin' lunatics, right?

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You gotta fuckin' run
the length of the field

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and try to make it to the other side

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while there's a helicopter flying over you

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and they're shooting the vaccine
down at you.

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All right?

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And I know what you're thinkin',
"Well, that ain't fair, man."

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"I'm runnin' in my shit-kickers,
you're up there in a helicopter

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and you got a gun."

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Well, here's how we--
it's a liberal with a gun, right?

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They're not good at that.

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Say, "Oh, my God, is it alive?
Is it gonna hit me?"

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"I don't feel safe!"

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And by then, you're already halfway there.

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One of the straps of your overalls is off.

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If you make it to the other side,
in the end,

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just like dodgeball, we'll just score it.

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"Who won?"

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It's an idea, I don't know.

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I just…

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I don't know what else to do.
I've kind of quit.

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I'm like… I've got to be honest with you.

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For the first like, you know,
year of this shit,

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I was an American, you know,
and I was rootin' for everybody,

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and then, I don't know.

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They let us outside for a couple of weeks
and then they sent us back in,

87
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and I just didn't have it in me anymore.

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It's like, "I don't care.
I just don't give a shit."

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"You know, I hope
a lot more people die, I really do."

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But the one good thing
about this whole pandemic shit,

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and I really hope by the time
this fuckin' thing comes out

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that this will be considered old,
I don't know, God willing,

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but the one great thing
about this pandemic shit

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is it kind of slowed down
a little bit of that cancel culture.

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You know what I mean?

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Yeah. It's kind of hard to take
your dick out at work when you're at home.

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You know?

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Some people still manage to do it.

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They're on a Zoom call, no pants on.

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All of the sudden, standing up,
their chunk right in the screen.

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Still figured out a way to get fired.

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It was unreal.

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It's kind of good, though,
that those creeps got to take a break,

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'cause I felt like cancel culture,

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they were kind of running out
of people to cancel.

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You know?

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As much as they wanted to make it seem,
there really was a finite amount of people

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that took their dick out at work.

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Despite the stats, right?

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"Every 1.6 seconds,
somebody takes their dick out

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and shakes it in a woman's face
in a cubicle."

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You're like, "What? Every 1.6 seconds?"

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I must not have been paying attention.

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"Every 3.2 seconds,

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some man jizzes on a fern
and rubs it in a woman's face."

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Holy shit! I didn't know that.

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Right? Yeah.

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So fortunately they rounded up
all of these fuckin' animals…

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and they got rid of them, right?

120
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But it kind of became
like this cottage industry

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and it was a way
to kind of get rid of some men

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that maybe were in your way, you know?

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It's like anything.

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You know, the initial thing,
you agree with it,

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and then it kind of gets out of control.

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So, I don't know.

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But it kind of ran out of people
and there was this hilarious moment,

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like last year where they started
to try and cancel dead people.

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Remember that? All of the sudden,
out of nowhere, John Wayne was trending.

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Have they got some found footage,

131
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a new movie coming out
that maybe they shelved?

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Then all of the sudden it was all these
stupid-ass "woke" white people, right?

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"Oh, my God, did you see
what John Wayne said

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in Playboy in 1971?"

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Can you-- this is a bunch
of fuckin' white people

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all up in arms about a dead white guy.

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"I can no longer tolerate this."

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"I can no longer tolerate
dead-for-45-years John Wayne

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saying things in a magazine
that doesn't exist anymore."

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"I am here for Black people."

141
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These fuckin' idiots.

142
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What kind of a fuckin' idiot white person
refers to themselves as "woke"?

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You know?

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If you actually were socially conscious,

145
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you'd realize that white people
stole that word from Black people.

146
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Once again doin' the Elvis thing. Right?

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But you know what,
I blame Black people for that.

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One of them fucked up.

149
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They were at a party,
there was white people there,

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and they let it slip out.

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"Stay woke"
or however the fuck you say it.

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And some white person heard it,
like, "Ah, what was that?"

153
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"Oh, my God."

154
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"'Stay woke'? I wanna say that."

155
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"I gotta say that around my white friends
so they know that I'm down."

156
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"Oh, my God, I'm gonna fuckin' say that."

157
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"I'm fuckin' woke. I'm fuckin' woke."

158
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"I'm a woke stickler."

159
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"I've fuckin' had it, I've had it."

160
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"I support Black people
in my white apartment on Twitter."

161
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"That's what I do.
I'm fuckin' here for you."

162
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Every white person
likes to lie to themselves

163
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that if they were alive 150 years ago,

164
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that they would have been working
on the underground railroad,

165
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trying to help slaves escape, right?

166
00:09:17,601 --> 00:09:20,353
"I would be one
of the good white people, yes."

167
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"I would have taken time
out of my day, risked my life."

168
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And the reality is,
is you'd be doing back then

169
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exactly what
you're doing today-- nothin'.

170
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Not a fuckin' thing.

171
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Maybe a little #BlackLivesMatter.

172
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"Oh, my God, my heart breaks
on my L-shaped couch."

173
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My favorite thing
about the Black Lives Matter marches

174
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was the store windows that would have
the plywood over the windows,

175
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and then it would say,
"Black lives matter"

176
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on top of the plywood.

177
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I just loved the duality
of that message, you know?

178
00:10:04,814 --> 00:10:07,692
It's like, "Black lives matter,
we're all the same, we're all one."

179
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"Don't burn down my store,
you fuckin' animals!"

180
00:10:09,903 --> 00:10:13,531
"Everybody is welcome in this store."

181
00:10:13,615 --> 00:10:14,658
"Anyone can come in."

182
00:10:14,741 --> 00:10:16,534
"One at a time, follow him!"

183
00:10:16,618 --> 00:10:22,332
"It's just a safe space for everyone."

184
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Yeah.

185
00:10:25,919 --> 00:10:27,629
John Wayne was born in 1907.

186
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That's what the fuck
he's gonna sound like.

187
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Then you got all these douchebags
going like, "That's not an excuse."

188
00:10:32,842 --> 00:10:34,928
It's like, "Yes, it is."

189
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It absolutely is.

190
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You are of your time.

191
00:10:40,100 --> 00:10:41,142
Look at these young kids.

192
00:10:41,226 --> 00:10:43,728
Remember, for a year and a half,
they'd take a water bottle.

193
00:10:43,812 --> 00:10:46,523
They're all standing around
and one kid would flip it,

194
00:10:46,606 --> 00:10:48,650
and if it landed upright, they'd go…

195
00:10:48,733 --> 00:10:50,318
[screaming]

196
00:10:52,153 --> 00:10:55,115
"Oh, shit!" And they'd just
lose their fuckin' minds.

197
00:10:57,742 --> 00:10:59,119
I didn't understand it.

198
00:10:59,828 --> 00:11:02,163
But I'm born in 1968, so I'm just like,

199
00:11:02,247 --> 00:11:05,083
"All right, well, no one tried
to slap it out of the way."

200
00:11:05,166 --> 00:11:07,711
"You do it enough times,
it's gonna fuckin' land upright."

201
00:11:07,794 --> 00:11:09,296
"What is happening here?" Right?

202
00:11:09,921 --> 00:11:11,715
I don't wanna ruin their good time.

203
00:11:11,798 --> 00:11:15,218
They're excited, they're gonna
get on their scooters and ride off.

204
00:11:16,386 --> 00:11:19,431
Like a little posse or some shit.
I'm like, all right, you can do that.

205
00:11:20,891 --> 00:11:23,768
Yeah. So that was like a thing
for like half a second.

206
00:11:25,645 --> 00:11:28,940
Sean Connery died.
The great Sean Connery.

207
00:11:29,024 --> 00:11:31,192
Yeah, my favorite James Bond of all time.

208
00:11:32,277 --> 00:11:35,322
Yeah. And he was getting a proper send-off

209
00:11:35,405 --> 00:11:37,282
for about eight minutes on Twitter,

210
00:11:37,365 --> 00:11:40,994
and then the first hairy-leg white chick
shows up, right?

211
00:11:42,787 --> 00:11:46,833
And she's just gotta be like,
"Really? Really?"

212
00:11:48,460 --> 00:11:53,632
"Are we really gonna celebrate this man
who advocated the hitting of women?"

213
00:11:54,257 --> 00:11:57,302
It's like, first of all, he didn't
advocate hitting women, okay?

214
00:11:57,385 --> 00:12:00,472
[as Connery] He just, "Every once
in a while, you give 'em a little slap."

215
00:12:02,724 --> 00:12:04,476
"Yeah, give 'em a little back of the hand,

216
00:12:04,559 --> 00:12:06,937
ya remind 'em
who's making the bucks off this shit."

217
00:12:08,813 --> 00:12:10,357
"Reset their hard drive."

218
00:12:13,652 --> 00:12:15,737
That's all he said, okay?

219
00:12:15,820 --> 00:12:19,824
Yes, it's a crazy statement in 2021.

220
00:12:19,908 --> 00:12:24,454
1976, you know, it's not good,
but it's not crazy.

221
00:12:24,537 --> 00:12:25,622
Right?

222
00:12:26,623 --> 00:12:28,625
And he's born in 1930.

223
00:12:29,167 --> 00:12:32,587
You gotta put this shit
in historical perspective.

224
00:12:33,171 --> 00:12:37,217
I love old movies. You ever watch movies
from the '30s, '40s, and '50s?

225
00:12:37,300 --> 00:12:38,260
Yeah.

226
00:12:38,343 --> 00:12:41,680
Any time a woman
even has heightened emotion,

227
00:12:41,763 --> 00:12:44,224
there's some guy like,
"Get ahold of yourself!"

228
00:12:46,059 --> 00:12:48,520
"Yeah, go make me a pie.
Put it on the windowsill."

229
00:12:48,603 --> 00:12:49,521
Right?

230
00:12:50,272 --> 00:12:51,982
That's what he grew up watchin'.

231
00:12:58,655 --> 00:12:59,864
I grew up in the '70s.

232
00:12:59,948 --> 00:13:02,492
I thought being a truck driver
was a cool thing.

233
00:13:02,576 --> 00:13:04,578
You know, you had a monkey for a friend.

234
00:13:05,245 --> 00:13:07,247
Going around,
chicks are showin' their titties.

235
00:13:07,330 --> 00:13:11,376
I thought that that was the world.
I had no idea, that's what I was watching.

236
00:13:13,336 --> 00:13:17,299
My thing is, okay, so if you're gonna
cancel all of these fuckin' dead guys

237
00:13:17,382 --> 00:13:21,011
and shit all over them after they're dead
and they can't defend themselves,

238
00:13:21,094 --> 00:13:23,555
why are you only going after men?

239
00:13:23,638 --> 00:13:26,766
You know, what about
all the horrible women in history?

240
00:13:26,850 --> 00:13:30,145
You can't just go after the men,
that would be sexist,

241
00:13:30,228 --> 00:13:32,606
and this is what they don't want.

242
00:13:33,356 --> 00:13:35,859
You know? I mean, what about Coco Chanel?

243
00:13:36,902 --> 00:13:39,613
Great example. Coco Chanel.

244
00:13:39,696 --> 00:13:42,616
Widely considered a feminist icon.

245
00:13:42,699 --> 00:13:45,493
She started her own purse factory, right,

246
00:13:45,577 --> 00:13:47,913
in the 19-teens or '20s,
whatever the hell she did.

247
00:13:47,996 --> 00:13:52,208
I can't imagine the sexism
that she had to deal with, you know.

248
00:13:53,460 --> 00:13:57,339
An amazing accomplishment,
hats off to her, right?

249
00:13:58,131 --> 00:13:59,174
However,

250
00:14:01,051 --> 00:14:03,720
she was also a Nazi sympathizer.

251
00:14:05,013 --> 00:14:08,725
Yeah. That's like half
her fucking Wikipedia page,

252
00:14:08,808 --> 00:14:12,520
just sitting there,
waiting for someone to read it.

253
00:14:13,438 --> 00:14:15,982
Right out in the open, nothin'.

254
00:14:16,066 --> 00:14:18,693
So evidently, what happened was,
in World War II,

255
00:14:18,777 --> 00:14:21,571
old Adolf came rolling into town, okay,

256
00:14:21,655 --> 00:14:24,032
with his tanks
with the Porsche engines in 'em,

257
00:14:24,115 --> 00:14:27,160
took over the town in like 90 minutes.

258
00:14:27,244 --> 00:14:28,370
She freaked out.

259
00:14:28,453 --> 00:14:30,705
She closes up her shop, right?

260
00:14:30,789 --> 00:14:33,792
Figured out where all the head Nazis
were staying, what hotel.

261
00:14:33,875 --> 00:14:37,128
She moved in there
and she started a relationship

262
00:14:37,212 --> 00:14:39,005
with one of the Nazis.

263
00:14:39,089 --> 00:14:40,131
Yeah.

264
00:14:40,215 --> 00:14:43,718
She started fucking a Nazi.

265
00:14:48,181 --> 00:14:50,976
You ever see those Holocaust videos?

266
00:14:51,059 --> 00:14:53,019
Huh? With those piles of kids' shoes?

267
00:14:53,853 --> 00:14:55,105
Yeah.

268
00:14:55,188 --> 00:14:58,858
She was sucking the dick that did that.

269
00:15:00,235 --> 00:15:02,404
Now, just to refresh my memory,

270
00:15:03,905 --> 00:15:05,824
what did Sean Connery do again?

271
00:15:07,450 --> 00:15:11,538
"Oh, you know, every once in a while,
you give 'em a little slap."

272
00:15:12,414 --> 00:15:13,415
That's what he did.

273
00:15:13,498 --> 00:15:16,376
She's sittin' there like,
"Hey, Adolf, what's goin' on?"

274
00:15:21,506 --> 00:15:26,177
She so sold out her own country,
she had to flee it at the end of the war,

275
00:15:26,261 --> 00:15:30,682
and I have no idea how many dicks
she had to suck to get back in it.

276
00:15:31,808 --> 00:15:34,603
But despite all of that,
I still don't judge her.

277
00:15:35,228 --> 00:15:38,815
I don't, 'cause I've never been
in that situation.

278
00:15:39,399 --> 00:15:41,943
You know, I've never been in a country
where all of the sudden,

279
00:15:42,027 --> 00:15:45,071
the most powerful army
the world has ever seen comes in

280
00:15:45,155 --> 00:15:46,990
and takes it over in a couple of hours.

281
00:15:47,073 --> 00:15:49,326
She must have been terrified, right?

282
00:15:49,409 --> 00:15:51,453
And she's a woman. You know?

283
00:15:51,536 --> 00:15:52,662
She's into fashion.

284
00:15:52,746 --> 00:15:55,624
They show up
with those Hugo Boss uniforms.

285
00:15:55,707 --> 00:15:57,626
You know, her knees buckle a little bit.

286
00:16:00,795 --> 00:16:03,632
Things start getting ugly,
people are getting shot in the street.

287
00:16:03,715 --> 00:16:04,883
She's freakin' out.

288
00:16:04,966 --> 00:16:06,509
You know.

289
00:16:06,593 --> 00:16:10,055
And she's a woman,
and women know push comes to shove

290
00:16:10,138 --> 00:16:12,182
when you get your back against the wall.

291
00:16:12,265 --> 00:16:16,102
No matter how bad it gets,
they always have the option

292
00:16:16,186 --> 00:16:19,147
of fucking their way out of a situation.

293
00:16:19,814 --> 00:16:23,360
They always got that card
they can play. Right?

294
00:16:23,443 --> 00:16:25,153
All women know this.

295
00:16:25,237 --> 00:16:26,863
Women, all women know this.

296
00:16:26,947 --> 00:16:29,157
Men don't realize this
till they go to prison.

297
00:16:29,241 --> 00:16:32,285
But women learn this early on.

298
00:16:35,538 --> 00:16:38,458
She had the option and she took it.

299
00:16:38,541 --> 00:16:41,002
I can't get mad at her for that, you know?

300
00:16:42,504 --> 00:16:45,006
So she's dead and gone.
I think she's up there in heaven.

301
00:16:45,090 --> 00:16:48,301
I think she made it.
She's up there with Sean Connery.

302
00:16:48,385 --> 00:16:50,345
Every once in a while,
they have a disagreement,

303
00:16:50,428 --> 00:16:52,639
he gives her a little slap, you know?

304
00:16:52,722 --> 00:16:53,723
She doesn't care.

305
00:16:53,807 --> 00:16:55,433
Once you shit on a Nazi's chest,

306
00:16:55,517 --> 00:16:57,811
a little backhand's
not gonna freak you out.

307
00:16:58,603 --> 00:17:01,523
Jesus can't say anything,
he got a hooker, right?

308
00:17:01,606 --> 00:17:03,858
Everybody's got
a little something they did.

309
00:17:11,116 --> 00:17:12,826
Well, there you go, boom.

310
00:17:13,702 --> 00:17:16,955
Still buy your Coco Chanel.
She's still a hero.

311
00:17:17,539 --> 00:17:21,585
She was a victim,
she was a victim of that time.

312
00:17:22,836 --> 00:17:27,257
She was frightened, she was scared.
She didn't know what to do.

313
00:17:30,093 --> 00:17:32,554
Uh… anyway.

314
00:17:34,180 --> 00:17:35,932
So, we're living in a fucking weird time.

315
00:17:36,016 --> 00:17:39,311
Obviously, beyond all the bullshit
that's going on now, like,

316
00:17:39,394 --> 00:17:43,565
every time I think feminism
has kind of like died off, you know,

317
00:17:43,648 --> 00:17:45,859
you know, like a band you can't stand

318
00:17:45,942 --> 00:17:48,612
and they haven't put out an album
in a few years,

319
00:17:48,695 --> 00:17:51,573
you're like, "Oh, good, did they quit,
did they break up?"

320
00:17:51,656 --> 00:17:53,575
All of the sudden,
they come out with more shit.

321
00:17:53,658 --> 00:17:55,994
You're like, "Fuck, what is it now?"

322
00:17:59,748 --> 00:18:03,126
I'm just fucking with you.
Feminism doesn't bug me, you know?

323
00:18:03,209 --> 00:18:04,210
It doesn't bother me.

324
00:18:04,294 --> 00:18:06,254
I'm not afraid of it
or anything like that,

325
00:18:06,338 --> 00:18:09,925
you know, for the simple fact
that I know it's gonna fail, you know?

326
00:18:10,008 --> 00:18:13,345
And I take comfort in that, I do.

327
00:18:13,428 --> 00:18:15,513
I'm not rooting for it because…

328
00:18:17,682 --> 00:18:19,392
I know it doesn't like me.

329
00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:21,519
Um…

330
00:18:23,021 --> 00:18:25,857
Yeah, do you know why I think
it's not going to survive,

331
00:18:25,941 --> 00:18:27,776
why it's not going to be
successful anyway?

332
00:18:27,859 --> 00:18:31,112
'Cause they still need men's help
to make it happen.

333
00:18:31,196 --> 00:18:32,405
I don't understand it.

334
00:18:32,489 --> 00:18:35,575
I don't understand why women
just can't work with each other

335
00:18:35,659 --> 00:18:36,952
and make this shit happen.

336
00:18:37,035 --> 00:18:38,370
They keep coming to us, like,

337
00:18:38,453 --> 00:18:41,289
"More men need to care about this issue."

338
00:18:41,373 --> 00:18:45,252
"Where are the men to stand up
and say something…

339
00:18:45,335 --> 00:18:47,212
yak-yak-yak."

340
00:18:48,004 --> 00:18:50,131
Why do I have to fuckin' say something?

341
00:18:51,716 --> 00:18:54,594
This is your fuckin' problem.

342
00:18:56,555 --> 00:18:59,057
Why are you always
dragging us into this shit?

343
00:18:59,849 --> 00:19:03,645
I saw a woman a couple months back,
professional soccer player, right?

344
00:19:03,728 --> 00:19:06,648
She goes onto ESPN
on one of these sports channels

345
00:19:06,731 --> 00:19:10,110
and she starts bitching, going like,

346
00:19:10,193 --> 00:19:12,988
"I don't understand,
how come female athletes

347
00:19:13,071 --> 00:19:15,991
don't make as much
as male professional athletes?"

348
00:19:16,074 --> 00:19:18,952
Right? And all of these men
had to sit there

349
00:19:19,035 --> 00:19:22,122
and act like they didn't know
what the answer was.

350
00:19:23,873 --> 00:19:25,834
They had to sit there, like, dumbfounded.

351
00:19:25,917 --> 00:19:28,044
Like, "Oh, I don't know."

352
00:19:29,379 --> 00:19:30,547
"Why is that?"

353
00:19:32,799 --> 00:19:37,012
"That is a conundrum. I have no idea."

354
00:19:40,265 --> 00:19:42,642
Literally, I'm sitting at home
screaming at the TV,

355
00:19:42,726 --> 00:19:45,061
"'Cause you don't sell
any fuckin' tickets!"

356
00:19:46,229 --> 00:19:48,773
Nobody is going to women's soccer games.

357
00:19:49,566 --> 00:19:53,320
You're playing in a 20,000-seat arena,
1,500 people show up.

358
00:19:53,403 --> 00:19:54,779
That's not a good night.

359
00:19:55,530 --> 00:19:59,868
The promoter lost
his fucking ass on that gig.

360
00:20:02,787 --> 00:20:05,749
I'm not saying
no professional female athletes--

361
00:20:05,832 --> 00:20:09,085
Serena Williams,
the women in the UFC, you know?

362
00:20:09,169 --> 00:20:11,379
But nobody's watching your fuckin' sport.

363
00:20:11,463 --> 00:20:14,424
And then you're gonna come
and you're gonna get mad at fuckin' men.

364
00:20:14,507 --> 00:20:17,469
They keep doing that shit.
Why are you yelling at us?

365
00:20:17,552 --> 00:20:19,596
It's not our fucking job.

366
00:20:19,679 --> 00:20:25,310
It's not my fuckin' job to give a fuck
about women's soccer, okay?

367
00:20:25,393 --> 00:20:28,521
I have men's sport to pay attention to.

368
00:20:28,605 --> 00:20:31,900
This is-- it's your bullshit, right?

369
00:20:32,943 --> 00:20:34,861
Dude, look at the WNBA.

370
00:20:36,071 --> 00:20:38,406
Dude, nobody in the WNBA got COVID.

371
00:20:39,741 --> 00:20:40,784
Nobody.

372
00:20:41,910 --> 00:20:45,705
They have been playing
in front of 300 to 400 people a night

373
00:20:45,789 --> 00:20:48,250
for a quarter of a century.

374
00:20:49,417 --> 00:20:52,379
Not to mention
it's a male-subsidized league.

375
00:20:52,462 --> 00:20:55,090
We gave ya a fuckin' league.

376
00:20:55,757 --> 00:20:57,217
None of ya showed up.

377
00:20:57,300 --> 00:20:59,427
Where are all the feminists?

378
00:20:59,970 --> 00:21:02,639
That place should be packed
with feminists.

379
00:21:02,722 --> 00:21:06,560
Faces painted, wearing jerseys,
flashin' their titties.

380
00:21:07,852 --> 00:21:11,731
Goin' fuckin' nuts, like the guys do
in the upper deck

381
00:21:11,815 --> 00:21:13,149
with their big beer titties.

382
00:21:14,526 --> 00:21:17,529
"Am I on the jumbotron? Am I doing it?"

383
00:21:21,366 --> 00:21:22,409
Yeah.

384
00:21:24,494 --> 00:21:25,370
You didn't.

385
00:21:25,453 --> 00:21:30,542
None of you, none of you
went to the fuckin' games.

386
00:21:31,251 --> 00:21:35,755
None of you.
You all, you failed them, not me.

387
00:21:35,839 --> 00:21:39,342
Not men.
Women failed the WNBA.

388
00:21:39,426 --> 00:21:44,139
Ladies, ladies, name your top five
all-time WNBA players of all time.

389
00:21:44,222 --> 00:21:45,223
Come on.

390
00:21:46,975 --> 00:21:49,311
Let's hear it. Name five WNBA teams.

391
00:21:49,394 --> 00:21:53,273
Name the WNBA team in your fuckin' city.
You can't do it!

392
00:21:54,983 --> 00:22:00,322
You don't give a fuck about them.

393
00:22:01,072 --> 00:22:03,366
They play night in and night out
in front of nobody.

394
00:22:03,450 --> 00:22:05,744
It's a fuckin' tragedy, right?

395
00:22:08,872 --> 00:22:13,043
And then meanwhile,
you look at the Kardashians,

396
00:22:14,085 --> 00:22:15,795
they're making billions.

397
00:22:15,879 --> 00:22:17,839
You look at those Real Housewives shows,

398
00:22:17,923 --> 00:22:21,801
they're making money hand over fist
'cause that's what women are watchin'.

399
00:22:21,885 --> 00:22:23,511
The money listens.

400
00:22:23,595 --> 00:22:25,847
You don't wanna watch this shit,
you're watching this shit.

401
00:22:27,098 --> 00:22:31,019
They just shoot it over there,
drowning these whores in money

402
00:22:31,102 --> 00:22:34,272
and purses and shoes and Botox.

403
00:22:34,356 --> 00:22:35,774
It's just raining.

404
00:22:37,150 --> 00:22:38,735
It's raining money.

405
00:22:39,945 --> 00:22:42,656
Yeah. So, the money listens.

406
00:22:42,739 --> 00:22:45,158
You'd rather watch that shit,
Real Housewives,

407
00:22:45,242 --> 00:22:47,285
a bunch of women
just tearing each other down.

408
00:22:47,369 --> 00:22:49,621
"Well, maybe that's why
your husband left you."

409
00:22:49,704 --> 00:22:53,333
"Maybe that's why your husband left.
That's why you can't have kids, bitch!"

410
00:22:54,542 --> 00:22:57,671
"That's why your ass is as flat
as your titties, bitch." Right?

411
00:22:58,546 --> 00:22:59,756
That's the message you sent.

412
00:22:59,839 --> 00:23:02,008
"We would rather watch that
than see a bunch of women

413
00:23:02,092 --> 00:23:05,637
come together as a team
and try to achieve a common goal."

414
00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:08,473
"We would rather watch them
actually fucking destroy each other."

415
00:23:09,683 --> 00:23:10,642
Yeah.

416
00:23:11,685 --> 00:23:12,561
No, no, no.

417
00:23:12,644 --> 00:23:17,732
And then in the end, you come back
and you fuckin' yell at guys.

418
00:23:17,816 --> 00:23:20,819
And it's like, let me get this straight,
I have to buy you a drink,

419
00:23:20,902 --> 00:23:24,948
stop the axe murderer
from coming through the fuckin' window,

420
00:23:25,031 --> 00:23:27,534
and I have to watch WNBA games for you?

421
00:23:28,118 --> 00:23:31,162
Like, when are you gonna pick up
your end of the couch?

422
00:23:34,916 --> 00:23:36,251
Yeah.

423
00:23:36,334 --> 00:23:40,714
I don't have any sympathy for women
when it comes to shit like that

424
00:23:40,797 --> 00:23:45,886
because every study they've ever done
to determine who's smarter,

425
00:23:45,969 --> 00:23:46,970
men or women,

426
00:23:47,053 --> 00:23:50,307
every study comes back and says
women are smarter.

427
00:23:50,390 --> 00:23:52,225
Every fuckin' one.

428
00:23:52,309 --> 00:23:54,769
Ladies, you shouldn't be applauding that.

429
00:23:55,854 --> 00:23:57,814
You know I'm an asshole.

430
00:23:57,898 --> 00:24:00,191
You know this isn't gonna end well.

431
00:24:03,069 --> 00:24:04,654
"Did he say I'm pretty?"

432
00:24:05,572 --> 00:24:06,656
"Oh, my God."

433
00:24:06,740 --> 00:24:08,825
Get out of the relationship.

434
00:24:13,705 --> 00:24:17,626
If every study says
that you're smarter, okay,

435
00:24:17,709 --> 00:24:19,336
the question
you should be asking yourself,

436
00:24:19,419 --> 00:24:23,214
if we're so goddamn smart,
how are we in the situation we're in?

437
00:24:27,719 --> 00:24:28,803
Well?

438
00:24:33,308 --> 00:24:36,770
You're in the situation you're in
not because of guys like me.

439
00:24:36,853 --> 00:24:39,439
As much as you want to blame me, you know?

440
00:24:39,522 --> 00:24:42,734
Ladies, you never drove by
a sports bar on a football Sunday

441
00:24:42,817 --> 00:24:44,653
and looked at the humanity in there?

442
00:24:45,362 --> 00:24:48,198
All those dumb guys
with their big beer bellies bumpin' shit.

443
00:24:48,281 --> 00:24:50,951
"Hey, he's on my fantasy team!"

444
00:24:51,034 --> 00:24:52,869
"Up top, yeah!"

445
00:24:52,953 --> 00:24:55,372
"You wanna get
some more mozzarella sticks?"

446
00:24:57,749 --> 00:25:00,961
As a woman with your bigger brain,
you never looked in there

447
00:25:01,044 --> 00:25:04,172
and thought to yourself,
"I'm fuckin' losin' to that?"

448
00:25:04,256 --> 00:25:06,216
"I'm losin' to that?"

449
00:25:10,679 --> 00:25:12,681
Yeah, there's nothing stopping you.

450
00:25:13,223 --> 00:25:16,685
Other than the fact that you guys
are just into destroying each other.

451
00:25:18,728 --> 00:25:20,355
Oh, now it's gonna get quiet?

452
00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:24,943
I see all that sneaky shit you do.

453
00:25:25,026 --> 00:25:27,821
Ladies, if you could just
support the WNBA

454
00:25:27,904 --> 00:25:31,116
the way you support
a fat chick that's proud of her body

455
00:25:31,199 --> 00:25:34,452
and is no longer a threat to you,
you know?

456
00:25:34,536 --> 00:25:37,289
That league would be doing
better numbers than the NBA.

457
00:25:40,750 --> 00:25:43,962
Oh, my God, that's one
of the saddest things I've ever seen.

458
00:25:44,045 --> 00:25:46,756
"Oh, my God, you're a goddess,
you're gorgeous."

459
00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:48,216
"You look great in that bikini."

460
00:25:48,300 --> 00:25:50,135
"I would kill myself
if I looked like that."

461
00:25:50,218 --> 00:25:51,970
"Keep eating, keep eating."

462
00:25:53,221 --> 00:25:55,223
"Lose a toe, you fat bitch."

463
00:25:55,307 --> 00:25:56,641
It's just…

464
00:25:58,268 --> 00:26:01,313
You saw an alcoholic, would you be like,
"Oh, my God, look at you."

465
00:26:01,396 --> 00:26:04,566
"You're facedown, passed out,
your kids are crying."

466
00:26:04,649 --> 00:26:07,319
"You're a hero, you're a god."

467
00:26:07,402 --> 00:26:09,154
"Keep doing what you're doing."

468
00:26:10,405 --> 00:26:13,033
You'd be like,
"Dude, get your fuckin' shit together."

469
00:26:13,116 --> 00:26:14,743
"Get off the sauce."

470
00:26:18,830 --> 00:26:21,875
I will say that's one of the most
genius things I've ever seen,

471
00:26:22,959 --> 00:26:27,047
how regular-looking women
somehow mind-fucked advertising

472
00:26:27,130 --> 00:26:29,674
to get beautiful women off of billboards.

473
00:26:31,426 --> 00:26:36,014
Yeah. Just regular fuckin'
who-gives-a-shit-lookin' women, right?

474
00:26:36,097 --> 00:26:37,098
I'm just being honest.

475
00:26:37,182 --> 00:26:39,768
Come on, we're outside,
we're in the woods, we can be honest.

476
00:26:45,899 --> 00:26:49,486
Just regular who-gives-a-fuck…

477
00:26:50,570 --> 00:26:53,573
can't-remember-her-name-looking women.

478
00:26:53,657 --> 00:26:54,532
Right?

479
00:26:55,158 --> 00:26:58,453
Lookin' at these goddesses
and they had to fuckin' be…

480
00:26:58,536 --> 00:27:01,164
"How am I supposed to compete with that?"

481
00:27:01,248 --> 00:27:02,332
You can't!

482
00:27:03,124 --> 00:27:05,627
How fucking arrogant are you?

483
00:27:08,046 --> 00:27:10,799
I don't see Brad Pitt
when he takes his shirt off in a movie

484
00:27:10,882 --> 00:27:13,927
and, "Oh, great, how am I
supposed to compete with that?"

485
00:27:14,010 --> 00:27:15,345
I can't.

486
00:27:15,428 --> 00:27:18,098
I am an ugly, bald, orange man.

487
00:27:18,181 --> 00:27:19,933
I need to write jokes.

488
00:27:20,016 --> 00:27:22,477
I gotta put a lampshade on my head.

489
00:27:22,561 --> 00:27:25,397
I know what my role is, okay?

490
00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:30,068
I should be on the ground gazing up
at people better-looking than me.

491
00:27:33,738 --> 00:27:36,700
I don't know, ladies, this is supposed
to be like an inspirational talk.

492
00:27:36,783 --> 00:27:38,827
I don't know
if it's coming through this way.

493
00:27:38,910 --> 00:27:40,954
I'm trying to say, if you really like…

494
00:27:43,039 --> 00:27:46,042
If you get through
all the misdirected anger of my childhood…

495
00:27:48,587 --> 00:27:51,339
I'm trying to say,
you're smarter than we are

496
00:27:52,549 --> 00:27:54,009
and there's more of you.

497
00:27:57,012 --> 00:27:58,013
I don't know.

498
00:28:00,891 --> 00:28:03,643
I don't know what to tell you.
I'm trying to be-- I don't know.

499
00:28:03,727 --> 00:28:08,607
Trying to be a better person
during all of this shit, you know? I am.

500
00:28:08,690 --> 00:28:12,319
You know, I got this new thing, man.
I try to help out homeless people.

501
00:28:13,361 --> 00:28:16,281
You know? Sometimes I help them out,
sometimes I don't.

502
00:28:16,364 --> 00:28:20,368
You know, it's like the mood you're in,
how much they freak you out.

503
00:28:20,452 --> 00:28:21,912
You know?

504
00:28:21,995 --> 00:28:23,788
So, this is what I do.

505
00:28:24,998 --> 00:28:26,458
You got to do something

506
00:28:26,541 --> 00:28:29,127
because people at the top
don't seem to be doing anything.

507
00:28:29,210 --> 00:28:33,214
I try to bring all my old clothes down
to the tent cities to give it to them.

508
00:28:33,298 --> 00:28:36,051
It's a good thing to do,
but I gotta tell you something,

509
00:28:36,134 --> 00:28:37,594
you gotta do it during the day.

510
00:28:38,220 --> 00:28:41,348
All right? You want to do it
during the day

511
00:28:41,431 --> 00:28:44,643
when they're tired
from Thunderdome the night before,

512
00:28:44,726 --> 00:28:47,354
they're coming down
from whatever they're on,

513
00:28:47,437 --> 00:28:50,065
realizing there's
a nail in their shoulder.

514
00:28:50,148 --> 00:28:52,525
You want to get them when they're tired.

515
00:28:52,609 --> 00:28:53,944
You don't go at night.

516
00:28:54,027 --> 00:28:57,030
No one's gonna see you again,
you're gonna end up on a fuckin' spit.

517
00:28:57,113 --> 00:29:00,992
I mean, you're under an overpass,
you never know what can happen, okay?

518
00:29:01,076 --> 00:29:03,912
I'm just warning you
'cause they don't make homeless people

519
00:29:03,995 --> 00:29:06,831
the way they made them
when I was a kid, you know?

520
00:29:06,915 --> 00:29:09,209
When I was a kid,
a homeless guy was a bum,

521
00:29:09,292 --> 00:29:11,836
he was a vagrant,
somebody down on his luck or whatever.

522
00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:13,171
You know, a wino.

523
00:29:13,255 --> 00:29:17,884
They didn't have this Shutter Island shit
going on that they had out there,

524
00:29:17,968 --> 00:29:19,135
like people talking to trees.

525
00:29:19,219 --> 00:29:20,887
[shouting gibberish]

526
00:29:23,056 --> 00:29:25,141
You're right here
having, like, eggs Benedict.

527
00:29:27,269 --> 00:29:30,021
He's, like, looking through
a porthole over your cabbage.

528
00:29:31,815 --> 00:29:32,857
Yeah.

529
00:29:32,941 --> 00:29:36,945
When I was a kid, you could only
be crazy outside for about 15 minutes

530
00:29:37,028 --> 00:29:39,364
before a van would pull up

531
00:29:39,447 --> 00:29:42,492
and two guys in nurses' outfits
would just come walking out.

532
00:29:42,576 --> 00:29:44,452
"Hey, buddy, how's it going?"

533
00:29:46,246 --> 00:29:48,456
"You're making a lot of racket
out here, aren't ya?"

534
00:29:49,874 --> 00:29:52,168
"Why don't you do me a favor,
try this shirt on?"

535
00:29:52,252 --> 00:29:56,214
Be like, "Okay.
How come the sleeves are so long?"

536
00:29:57,632 --> 00:29:59,801
"Oh, because we're gonna
tie your arms behind your back

537
00:29:59,885 --> 00:30:02,053
'cause you're out
of your fucking mind, that's it."

538
00:30:05,015 --> 00:30:07,893
"Not gonna have you out here
scaring the shit out of people."

539
00:30:07,976 --> 00:30:09,436
"Get in the fuckin' van!"

540
00:30:11,521 --> 00:30:14,649
And he got in the van and that was it.
They send you to a nuthouse.

541
00:30:14,733 --> 00:30:17,277
That's it, boom, bam, done, nuthouse.

542
00:30:17,360 --> 00:30:19,946
But the problem was
the people at the nuthouses

543
00:30:20,030 --> 00:30:21,406
started fucking the patients

544
00:30:21,489 --> 00:30:24,242
'cause everybody knows
crazy people are great in bed, right?

545
00:30:24,326 --> 00:30:26,828
So they're banging away, right?

546
00:30:29,623 --> 00:30:30,790
Hey, it happened.

547
00:30:30,874 --> 00:30:33,293
You're groaning at history, all right?

548
00:30:33,376 --> 00:30:35,921
You can shake your heads
all you want, but…

549
00:30:36,463 --> 00:30:37,505
Hey, hey!

550
00:30:39,466 --> 00:30:42,427
They fucked those people, all right?

551
00:30:42,510 --> 00:30:45,388
And they were banging away,
doctors with their fuckin' lab coats

552
00:30:45,472 --> 00:30:47,891
flappin' in the wind, just banging away,

553
00:30:47,974 --> 00:30:50,227
until finally… for decades…

554
00:30:50,310 --> 00:30:52,354
finally somebody
with a heart came walking in,

555
00:30:52,437 --> 00:30:54,856
"Hey, what the fuck is going on here?"

556
00:30:56,233 --> 00:31:00,487
And then they shut it down and
then they just let all these people go.

557
00:31:00,570 --> 00:31:02,489
They all came running out
like Mike Myers,

558
00:31:02,572 --> 00:31:05,033
jumping up on station wagons and shit.

559
00:31:07,369 --> 00:31:10,664
So that's the thing,
you go during the day.

560
00:31:11,831 --> 00:31:15,085
And I gotta tell you, when I pull up
to one of these tent cities,

561
00:31:15,168 --> 00:31:16,544
I always feel good about myself.

562
00:31:16,628 --> 00:31:18,838
"This is good, man,
helping out a fellow American."

563
00:31:18,922 --> 00:31:20,549
"I would want them to do that for me."

564
00:31:20,632 --> 00:31:22,884
"It's fuckin' ridiculous
people have to live like that."

565
00:31:22,968 --> 00:31:24,761
That's what I think when I'm in the car,

566
00:31:24,844 --> 00:31:27,472
and then the second I get out
and that smell hits me,

567
00:31:27,556 --> 00:31:31,309
I'm like, "What the fuck am I doing?
Jesus Christ, these people are animals!"

568
00:31:31,393 --> 00:31:32,602
Right?

569
00:31:34,020 --> 00:31:36,064
I would equate it
to the same feeling you probably get

570
00:31:36,147 --> 00:31:38,775
if you were on a safari
and you're in the Land Rover,

571
00:31:38,858 --> 00:31:40,694
and you look over
and you see, like, a leopard.

572
00:31:40,777 --> 00:31:43,905
You're like, "Look at
that leopard over there." Right?

573
00:31:43,989 --> 00:31:47,450
Then all of the sudden you go over a bump
and fall out of the fuckin' Range Rover.

574
00:31:47,534 --> 00:31:48,827
"Oh, fuck, that's a leopard!"

575
00:31:53,540 --> 00:31:57,919
Yeah, so I pull up
and I'm feeling like fuckin' Uncle Sam.

576
00:31:58,003 --> 00:32:00,922
Then I get out of the car and I'm like,
"What the fuck am I doing?"

577
00:32:01,006 --> 00:32:02,632
I start walking like this.

578
00:32:03,341 --> 00:32:05,385
There's always
some sort of movement going on,

579
00:32:05,468 --> 00:32:08,847
somebody fuckin' limping
across the street or something.

580
00:32:10,265 --> 00:32:14,060
And I've never been able to get
close enough to talk, really, to anybody.

581
00:32:14,144 --> 00:32:16,104
You know, like they do on the news.

582
00:32:16,187 --> 00:32:18,690
You know, like, "Jeez,
have you been sitting in here,

583
00:32:18,773 --> 00:32:20,901
you know, for a couple of months?"

584
00:32:21,526 --> 00:32:24,779
"What is it like
to be inside of this tent?"

585
00:32:24,863 --> 00:32:27,365
I always wondered how many people
they had to choke out

586
00:32:27,449 --> 00:32:29,701
before they could get
that fuckin' interview.

587
00:32:29,784 --> 00:32:32,787
You know, just comin' in… blow darts.

588
00:32:33,872 --> 00:32:35,582
Numbin' up everybody else.

589
00:32:36,374 --> 00:32:37,709
Building a perimeter.

590
00:32:38,627 --> 00:32:40,295
So, what I…

591
00:32:40,378 --> 00:32:42,505
What I do is I get about 30 yards away,

592
00:32:42,589 --> 00:32:45,634
and then I just start walking like this.

593
00:32:46,676 --> 00:32:48,720
And then I chicken out,
I always chicken out.

594
00:32:48,803 --> 00:32:51,473
Thirty yards away,
I just go, "Free shirts!"

595
00:32:52,390 --> 00:32:54,476
I run back to the car.

596
00:32:54,559 --> 00:32:57,103
And that's when your brain
starts playing tricks on you.

597
00:32:57,187 --> 00:33:00,941
Like I'm convinced somebody just came
running out of the tent with a 2-by-4.

598
00:33:01,942 --> 00:33:03,485
Running after me.

599
00:33:04,444 --> 00:33:09,115
So I always do a lap around my car
before I get in it, you know.

600
00:33:09,199 --> 00:33:11,952
'Cause homeless people
have horrible lateral movement.

601
00:33:12,035 --> 00:33:14,788
You know, from all those years
of sleeping on the sidewalk,

602
00:33:14,871 --> 00:33:17,958
their hips are just junk, you know,
like an NFL running back.

603
00:33:18,583 --> 00:33:22,045
They slow down like a cruise ship,
go right up and over the horizon.

604
00:33:22,128 --> 00:33:26,049
So in that time, you go around,
you get in your car, you drive away.

605
00:33:26,132 --> 00:33:27,384
You drive away.

606
00:33:27,968 --> 00:33:29,886
Your closet's a little more empty.

607
00:33:31,972 --> 00:33:34,432
You can go out,
you can fill it back up again

608
00:33:35,350 --> 00:33:39,771
with shit you don't fuckin' need,
you know, that's what you do.

609
00:33:39,854 --> 00:33:40,772
[man] America!

610
00:33:40,855 --> 00:33:41,982
What's that, sir?

611
00:33:42,065 --> 00:33:42,941
[man] America!

612
00:33:43,024 --> 00:33:46,111
America, yeah! America! Don't think.
Just do what you wanna do.

613
00:33:46,194 --> 00:33:49,072
Take your dick out, you know?

614
00:33:49,155 --> 00:33:52,117
I'll tell ya, that's what
George Washington was talking about.

615
00:33:52,200 --> 00:33:53,285
You know?

616
00:33:54,286 --> 00:33:56,913
They really need
to shut down the Internet.

617
00:33:56,997 --> 00:34:01,585
We are clearly too stupid
to all be sharing ideas

618
00:34:01,668 --> 00:34:05,505
in this giant townie bar
that we've created.

619
00:34:06,089 --> 00:34:09,217
You guys are all cheering,
you're all on the Internet just like me.

620
00:34:09,301 --> 00:34:11,970
I was on the Internet
for six hours last night.

621
00:34:13,805 --> 00:34:16,308
Trying to figure out
what kills a beaver, you know?

622
00:34:20,020 --> 00:34:22,314
Does a beaver have a natural predator?

623
00:34:23,565 --> 00:34:27,360
No. You wouldn't know it from
all the ignorant shit I've said so far,

624
00:34:27,444 --> 00:34:30,113
but I am a changed person,
believe it or not.

625
00:34:31,072 --> 00:34:31,948
I am.

626
00:34:32,032 --> 00:34:35,285
I had an experience earlier this year.

627
00:34:35,368 --> 00:34:38,163
-[man] Bullshit.
-This is all true. You don't think so?

628
00:34:38,246 --> 00:34:39,623
Guy just yelled "bullshit."

629
00:34:39,706 --> 00:34:42,375
Are you saying "bullshit," sir,
'cause you don't believe me

630
00:34:42,459 --> 00:34:44,836
or 'cause you don't want me to leave?

631
00:34:44,920 --> 00:34:46,463
Is that what it is?

632
00:34:46,546 --> 00:34:49,007
The little angry circle that you're in?

633
00:34:50,508 --> 00:34:53,887
Don't be goin' and gettin' happy now.
Don't be goin' and gettin' soft on me.

634
00:34:54,804 --> 00:34:57,349
Don't start huggin' people
and lovin' yourself.

635
00:34:58,767 --> 00:35:01,937
And cryin' when you see somethin' cute.
Hang onto it!

636
00:35:05,607 --> 00:35:06,900
Lash out at people.

637
00:35:08,276 --> 00:35:10,946
Reach for your pistol
under the seat. Do it!

638
00:35:11,780 --> 00:35:12,781
[man] Yeah!

639
00:35:12,864 --> 00:35:16,618
No, I took mushrooms back in February
for the first time ever.

640
00:35:16,701 --> 00:35:19,120
[audience cheering, whistling]

641
00:35:22,499 --> 00:35:26,378
This is the perfect state
to tell this story.

642
00:35:27,420 --> 00:35:29,047
You guys should literally have…

643
00:35:30,257 --> 00:35:33,009
you should have mushrooms
on your fuckin' license plate.

644
00:35:34,844 --> 00:35:36,471
All right, so here's the deal.

645
00:35:36,555 --> 00:35:40,183
I never fucked with anything like that.
I was always a booze guy.

646
00:35:40,267 --> 00:35:43,770
Always a booze guy, you know.
Yeah, you know.

647
00:35:44,312 --> 00:35:48,775
Relax, everybody. I always get nervous
when I get white guys going like,

648
00:35:48,858 --> 00:35:50,193
"Yeah! All right, whoo!"

649
00:35:50,277 --> 00:35:51,528
"All right!"

650
00:35:51,611 --> 00:35:53,405
"Build the wall! Yeah!"

651
00:35:54,030 --> 00:35:56,074
I'm fuckin' around, relax.

652
00:36:00,120 --> 00:36:03,456
It's frightening to listen to,
but that's what being a guy is.

653
00:36:03,540 --> 00:36:06,334
You're not allowed to have emotions.

654
00:36:07,043 --> 00:36:08,962
So all that shit comes out
when you're drinking.

655
00:36:09,045 --> 00:36:11,506
[growling]

656
00:36:12,716 --> 00:36:14,676
"Do something dumb
so I don't feel stupid!"

657
00:36:18,972 --> 00:36:22,058
So… yeah, I was always like a booze guy,

658
00:36:22,142 --> 00:36:24,686
so I never fucked
with psychedelics or whatever,

659
00:36:24,769 --> 00:36:28,440
so it was one of these deals.
I was out in the desert, man,

660
00:36:28,523 --> 00:36:31,985
and I was like, all right,
I got somebody watching my kids.

661
00:36:32,068 --> 00:36:34,404
Everything's fine, I'm in my fifties.

662
00:36:34,487 --> 00:36:36,990
I gotta do it now
or I'm never gonna do it, right?

663
00:36:37,073 --> 00:36:42,078
So this person, who may or may not
have been my opening act tonight, goes,

664
00:36:42,162 --> 00:36:43,246
"All right, man."

665
00:36:47,125 --> 00:36:48,084
Uh…

666
00:36:48,877 --> 00:36:50,712
He's a good man, he's a good man.

667
00:36:51,922 --> 00:36:53,673
He says to me, he goes, "All right."

668
00:36:53,757 --> 00:36:56,092
He goes, "Okay,
just take like, you know…"

669
00:36:56,176 --> 00:36:58,678
You know, it's always just like,
"All right,

670
00:36:58,762 --> 00:37:02,057
so, like, how fucked up
do you wanna get, all right?"

671
00:37:02,140 --> 00:37:04,226
And there's always like a square
and it's like,

672
00:37:04,309 --> 00:37:06,603
"Okay, don't eat the whole square."

673
00:37:06,686 --> 00:37:09,189
"Just like, bite one corner,

674
00:37:09,272 --> 00:37:12,275
lick the other one,
and then rub the other one."

675
00:37:12,359 --> 00:37:14,569
"Let it absorb in your face or whatever."

676
00:37:16,238 --> 00:37:19,574
So, I'm like, "All right." He goes,
"How far into it do you wanna go?"

677
00:37:19,658 --> 00:37:21,910
I go, "I just wanna trip a little bit,
nothing crazy."

678
00:37:21,993 --> 00:37:23,870
So he goes, "Fine,"
so I ate just a little bit.

679
00:37:23,954 --> 00:37:27,374
I get a little nauseous or whatever.
At first it feels like I ate some weed,

680
00:37:27,457 --> 00:37:30,252
but then all of the sudden
I notice shit that's not alive

681
00:37:30,335 --> 00:37:32,045
looks like it's breathing, right?

682
00:37:32,671 --> 00:37:36,049
Like the refrigerator looked like
it just did a lap around the house.

683
00:37:36,132 --> 00:37:37,259
It's kind of…

684
00:37:39,886 --> 00:37:42,681
Nothin' threatening, you know.
It needed it, you know.

685
00:37:45,725 --> 00:37:49,145
TV started getting bigger.
It's looking like it's gonna fall on me.

686
00:37:49,229 --> 00:37:51,898
All right, and I was doing fine.

687
00:37:51,982 --> 00:37:54,401
I was like, "I know that TV's
not getting bigger."

688
00:37:54,484 --> 00:37:56,319
"And if it is, I don't
give a shit, go ahead."

689
00:37:56,403 --> 00:38:00,031
"Spill that pixelation all over me,
I don't give a fuck."

690
00:38:00,115 --> 00:38:03,868
"I know I'm trippin', I'm having fun.
I'm giggling."

691
00:38:03,952 --> 00:38:06,454
I'm laughing and shit,
I'm putting things together,

692
00:38:06,538 --> 00:38:08,248
and everything is fuckin' great.

693
00:38:08,331 --> 00:38:10,750
And all of the sudden, about an hour in…

694
00:38:11,793 --> 00:38:15,338
all of a sudden
this profound sense of loneliness

695
00:38:15,422 --> 00:38:18,967
and not feeling loved just washed over me.

696
00:38:19,801 --> 00:38:22,971
Yeah, and I was just like,
"I fuckin' knew it."

697
00:38:24,264 --> 00:38:26,975
I fuckin' knew it.
This is why I didn't do it.

698
00:38:27,058 --> 00:38:28,768
I knew I had too many demons.

699
00:38:28,852 --> 00:38:32,397
I knew I wasn't going to see God
and fuckin' unicorns

700
00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:36,651
and slide down the rainbow
and roll around in the grass.

701
00:38:36,735 --> 00:38:39,154
I fuckin' knew Satan was coming up.

702
00:38:39,237 --> 00:38:41,323
There was gonna be a guy
with a knife and shit.

703
00:38:41,406 --> 00:38:45,702
I was just like, "All right, go ahead.
Drag me into the abyss."

704
00:38:45,785 --> 00:38:47,704
"Let me see how fucked up I am,"

705
00:38:47,787 --> 00:38:51,333
and this feeling, it just enveloped me,

706
00:38:51,416 --> 00:38:54,252
and I don't even know how to describe it,
it wasn't even a feeling.

707
00:38:54,336 --> 00:38:57,005
It just was, it just was.

708
00:38:58,632 --> 00:39:01,635
So I'm freakin' the fuck out.
I'm sitting there like, "What the fuck?"

709
00:39:01,718 --> 00:39:03,428
I can't get out of it, dude.

710
00:39:03,511 --> 00:39:06,223
Like I could walk
a hundred fuckin' million miles,

711
00:39:06,306 --> 00:39:08,141
I can't walk out of it, it just was.

712
00:39:08,225 --> 00:39:12,354
So everybody else is, like, trippin',
I didn't want to fuckin' ruin their trip,

713
00:39:12,437 --> 00:39:16,107
so I'm just like, "All right, dude,
I'm just gonna go to the bedroom."

714
00:39:16,191 --> 00:39:18,944
"Oh, look at the refrigerator.
Refrigerator…"

715
00:39:19,027 --> 00:39:20,737
[laughing nervously]

716
00:39:20,820 --> 00:39:21,947
All right.

717
00:39:23,782 --> 00:39:25,617
"I'm just feelin' a little nauseous."

718
00:39:30,830 --> 00:39:32,499
Just playin' it up, right?

719
00:39:32,582 --> 00:39:34,251
Goin' in the fuckin' bedroom,

720
00:39:34,334 --> 00:39:36,920
and I'm just layin' down
in the bedroom like,

721
00:39:37,003 --> 00:39:39,756
"Dude, what the fuck? What the fuck?"

722
00:39:39,839 --> 00:39:44,761
And every time I thought
I felt the bottom, it would just…

723
00:39:45,595 --> 00:39:50,350
just further into the bed,
further into the bed,

724
00:39:50,433 --> 00:39:51,685
further into the bed.

725
00:39:52,435 --> 00:39:55,313
So about a half hour later,
my wife comes in.

726
00:39:55,397 --> 00:39:57,649
She's like, "Hey, how you doing?"

727
00:39:57,732 --> 00:39:58,817
Typical guy.

728
00:39:58,900 --> 00:40:01,194
"Great, I'm doin' great."

729
00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:04,489
"I'm doin' great."

730
00:40:05,490 --> 00:40:06,741
"It's goin' great."

731
00:40:08,034 --> 00:40:09,327
So she's laying next to me,

732
00:40:09,411 --> 00:40:12,289
"I'm feeling a little nauseous,
this is a little bit much for me."

733
00:40:12,372 --> 00:40:15,417
And she's just laying down
and I'm just feeling this feeling.

734
00:40:15,500 --> 00:40:18,962
Not feeling loved,
profound sense of loneliness.

735
00:40:19,045 --> 00:40:22,382
So now I'm just looking at my wife,
and my brain just starts going like,

736
00:40:22,465 --> 00:40:24,718
"Oh, fuck, did I marry the wrong person?"

737
00:40:26,011 --> 00:40:27,596
"Why am I lookin' at…"

738
00:40:29,389 --> 00:40:32,309
I know it seems fucked up,
but once you're married long enough,

739
00:40:32,392 --> 00:40:35,937
even not on mushrooms, you have
that thought every fuckin' six weeks.

740
00:40:36,021 --> 00:40:37,063
You just do.

741
00:40:37,147 --> 00:40:41,568
Something happens where you
just look at the side of their head

742
00:40:41,651 --> 00:40:45,196
and just do the math and just think,
"Why did I ever talk to you?"

743
00:40:45,280 --> 00:40:48,658
"I could have just walked by.
I didn't even have to say hello."

744
00:40:48,742 --> 00:40:50,785
"We had no relationship."

745
00:40:51,411 --> 00:40:52,996
"We were nothing!"

746
00:40:55,457 --> 00:40:59,210
"What would happen
if I just never talked to you?"

747
00:40:59,294 --> 00:41:01,588
Every six weeks,
you think that's a healthy relationship?

748
00:41:02,797 --> 00:41:05,842
That means you've still held on
to a part of yourself

749
00:41:05,926 --> 00:41:09,346
that even though you love this person,
you still, you know,

750
00:41:09,429 --> 00:41:12,432
you still want to run around
like a mustang a little bit, right?

751
00:41:13,642 --> 00:41:16,728
So anyways, I'm like,
that was freaking me out even more

752
00:41:16,811 --> 00:41:19,189
to think of my wife and be feeling that.

753
00:41:19,272 --> 00:41:21,233
So I was like,
"Fuck, I need to pull the rip cord."

754
00:41:21,316 --> 00:41:25,278
"I gotta get out of this fuckin'…
it's like a giant beanbag."

755
00:41:26,529 --> 00:41:29,407
Couldn't get out of it, right?
So I was like, "Oh, fuck."

756
00:41:29,491 --> 00:41:33,536
Think about your kids.
Now, I love my kids.

757
00:41:33,620 --> 00:41:36,122
And I know they love me,
there is no fuckin' question.

758
00:41:36,206 --> 00:41:37,999
And I start thinking about my kids.

759
00:41:38,083 --> 00:41:40,377
And I still felt that feeling.

760
00:41:40,460 --> 00:41:44,339
And I was like,
"All right, what the fuck is this?"

761
00:41:45,924 --> 00:41:47,592
'Cause I know that's bullshit.

762
00:41:48,468 --> 00:41:50,136
And I just sort of laid there.

763
00:41:50,220 --> 00:41:51,429
And I relaxed.

764
00:41:51,513 --> 00:41:55,308
And I went,
"Oh, fuck, I know what this is."

765
00:41:58,853 --> 00:42:00,855
This is how I felt growing up.

766
00:42:00,939 --> 00:42:02,649
[chuckles]

767
00:42:03,149 --> 00:42:04,276
Yeah.

768
00:42:04,359 --> 00:42:07,529
This is what the '70s and '80s were like.

769
00:42:08,071 --> 00:42:09,364
Both your parents worked.

770
00:42:09,447 --> 00:42:12,284
You got a set of keys to the house
when you were three.

771
00:42:12,367 --> 00:42:15,453
"Oh, yeah, son.
Get the fuck out of my face, son."

772
00:42:17,080 --> 00:42:18,415
It was fuckin' nuts, yeah.

773
00:42:18,498 --> 00:42:21,376
I grew up in a very,
like, angry time, you know?

774
00:42:21,459 --> 00:42:24,796
Like, you were afraid of your dad,
your dad's dad.

775
00:42:24,879 --> 00:42:27,132
I talked about this shit before,
but I'm still working through it,

776
00:42:27,215 --> 00:42:28,425
so just bear with me.

777
00:42:28,508 --> 00:42:29,926
You just were fuckin'…

778
00:42:30,010 --> 00:42:34,431
Yeah, like I love seeing kids
nowadays loving their dad.

779
00:42:34,514 --> 00:42:39,436
Like, "Dad, wanna go play, Dad?
Let's go ride bikes! Dad!"

780
00:42:40,103 --> 00:42:43,273
Yeah, when I was a kid,
it was like, "Dad, fuck, Dad!"

781
00:42:43,356 --> 00:42:44,649
"Fuck!"

782
00:42:45,108 --> 00:42:47,027
"Run! Open a window."

783
00:42:47,819 --> 00:42:50,113
"Mom, what did you see in that?"

784
00:42:52,240 --> 00:42:54,993
-Fucking lunatic, right?
-[man] Yeah!

785
00:42:55,076 --> 00:42:58,705
It was absolute fuckin' lunacy.
And not just my house.

786
00:42:58,788 --> 00:43:00,707
I love my parents,
but it was just the time.

787
00:43:00,790 --> 00:43:03,376
Everybody was fuckin' crazy,
you were afraid,

788
00:43:03,460 --> 00:43:06,963
and people could put their hands on you
and other people's dads could hit you,

789
00:43:07,047 --> 00:43:09,299
and then you come home,
"What the fuck did you do?"

790
00:43:09,925 --> 00:43:12,761
"I'll fuckin' hit you for it!"
It was just nuts.

791
00:43:13,511 --> 00:43:16,181
Teachers would grab you,
dig their nails into your fuckin' neck.

792
00:43:16,264 --> 00:43:19,601
She'd come home, "She wouldn't have
done that unless something happened."

793
00:43:19,684 --> 00:43:22,312
Right? It was all of that shit.

794
00:43:22,395 --> 00:43:25,065
Me and my siblings,
we all beat the shit out of each other.

795
00:43:25,148 --> 00:43:26,191
You know.

796
00:43:26,274 --> 00:43:29,736
And then we all teased the dog,
and the dog bit all of us.

797
00:43:29,819 --> 00:43:33,156
And we never got rid of the dog.
One time the dog bit me in the face.

798
00:43:33,240 --> 00:43:35,492
I was fuckin' with it,
it was eating, I was like…

799
00:43:35,575 --> 00:43:37,244
And he latched onto my face like…

800
00:43:38,787 --> 00:43:41,498
Like that. My dad had
to stitch me up and everything.

801
00:43:41,581 --> 00:43:44,501
We still didn't get rid of the dog,
you know?

802
00:43:44,584 --> 00:43:46,378
"Aw, he's a good dog, he had a moment."

803
00:43:46,461 --> 00:43:49,965
"Jesus Christ, you shouldn't have put
your goddamn face down there

804
00:43:50,048 --> 00:43:51,466
near the fuckin' dog."

805
00:43:52,926 --> 00:43:56,096
Yeah. So that's all it was.

806
00:43:56,179 --> 00:44:00,350
It was weird, we were like
The Brady Bunch meets Lord of the Flies.

807
00:44:00,433 --> 00:44:02,227
Like, on paper, it was great.

808
00:44:02,310 --> 00:44:04,479
It was a station wagon
full of fuckin', you know…

809
00:44:04,563 --> 00:44:07,983
Norman Rockwell, we went to church,
we got Dunkin' Donuts.

810
00:44:08,858 --> 00:44:10,777
Yeah, that was about the fuck-- so…

811
00:44:12,404 --> 00:44:14,447
I don't know, so anyway,
we all ended up--

812
00:44:14,531 --> 00:44:18,577
my dad was one of those people,
he said whatever the fuck was on his mind.

813
00:44:18,660 --> 00:44:19,953
You know what I mean?

814
00:44:20,036 --> 00:44:23,206
Yeah. You know, like that haircut
women get when they get to a certain age?

815
00:44:23,290 --> 00:44:26,084
They got a couple of kids,
they just get it cut a little shorter

816
00:44:26,167 --> 00:44:27,627
'cause they don't wanna deal with it.

817
00:44:27,711 --> 00:44:30,255
They put that little
Hillary Clinton flip in it or something.

818
00:44:30,338 --> 00:44:33,884
Right? They get it
all shaved up the fuckin' back.

819
00:44:33,967 --> 00:44:35,302
First time you bend 'em over,

820
00:44:35,385 --> 00:44:38,179
you feel like you're fuckin'
your friend Eric. Right?

821
00:44:38,263 --> 00:44:39,222
You know?

822
00:44:39,306 --> 00:44:42,934
But you love your wife,
so you lie and you tell them,

823
00:44:43,018 --> 00:44:44,144
"Oh, looks good."

824
00:44:45,896 --> 00:44:48,732
"Looks great, I always wanted
to fuck Geraldine Ferraro."

825
00:44:48,815 --> 00:44:49,900
"My God, it's amazing."

826
00:44:53,612 --> 00:44:55,572
My dad didn't care.

827
00:44:55,655 --> 00:44:58,199
We picked my mother up,
she got in the car, he just goes,

828
00:44:58,283 --> 00:45:00,410
"Aw, Christ, it looks like shit!"

829
00:45:01,077 --> 00:45:04,039
"Jesus Christ, what the fuck
did they do to you?"

830
00:45:04,122 --> 00:45:07,375
"Aw, for Christ's sake,
you look like a fuckin' man."

831
00:45:07,459 --> 00:45:09,085
My mom's just sittin' there like…

832
00:45:10,003 --> 00:45:14,174
We're in the back seat like, "This is what
a functional relationship looks like."

833
00:45:14,257 --> 00:45:15,383
Whoo!

834
00:45:17,344 --> 00:45:18,303
Yeah.

835
00:45:20,263 --> 00:45:24,809
So, because of all that, we all ended up
getting, like, physical ailments

836
00:45:24,893 --> 00:45:28,271
from being in the fight-or-flight mode
our whole lives.

837
00:45:28,355 --> 00:45:31,483
Everything, gym teachers were scary,
collecting on your paper--

838
00:45:31,566 --> 00:45:33,235
Everybody was scary fuckin' everything.

839
00:45:33,318 --> 00:45:37,113
One time my dad told a priest
he didn't deserve to wear the collar.

840
00:45:40,951 --> 00:45:42,285
I don't know how it happened.

841
00:45:42,369 --> 00:45:45,205
We were discussing
the altar boys' schedule…

842
00:45:46,206 --> 00:45:49,167
and, I don't know, he wanted
to put me on a different mass,

843
00:45:49,251 --> 00:45:50,961
and my dad started getting his leg going.

844
00:45:51,044 --> 00:45:53,255
"You don't deserve to wear
the fucking collar!"

845
00:45:53,338 --> 00:45:55,966
The guy's jaw was on the ground,
and then the best part,

846
00:45:56,049 --> 00:45:57,342
next week we go to mass.

847
00:45:57,425 --> 00:46:00,053
They haven't spoken in a week,
and my dad comes walkin' like,

848
00:46:00,136 --> 00:46:01,972
"Hey, how you doin', what's going on?"

849
00:46:02,055 --> 00:46:03,223
Like nothing happened.

850
00:46:05,016 --> 00:46:07,769
Yeah, so anyway, we all end up
getting these physical ailments.

851
00:46:07,852 --> 00:46:10,397
Like one of my siblings
has stomach problems,

852
00:46:10,480 --> 00:46:13,692
another one has this pain
that won't go away in his back.

853
00:46:13,775 --> 00:46:17,112
I remember I had, like, alopecia
in, like, the third grade.

854
00:46:17,195 --> 00:46:20,115
Third grade, I literally had
clumps of hair falling out

855
00:46:20,198 --> 00:46:22,617
like I was working
on Wall Street, you know.

856
00:46:23,243 --> 00:46:25,912
And I was just sitting there like,
"Did I pick up all the toys?"

857
00:46:26,746 --> 00:46:27,914
"Did I do the dishes?"

858
00:46:27,998 --> 00:46:30,375
"He's gonna find something,
he always finds something."

859
00:46:30,458 --> 00:46:32,502
"Fuck, what do I do? I gotta kill him."

860
00:46:32,586 --> 00:46:34,629
"I should kill him,
that's what I should do."

861
00:46:34,713 --> 00:46:36,631
"When he's sleeping,
I'll take an extension cord."

862
00:46:36,715 --> 00:46:38,717
"I'll wrap it around,
put my fuckin' foot on his back."

863
00:46:41,761 --> 00:46:45,473
"Billy seems to lack the focus
in class that he needs."

864
00:46:46,141 --> 00:46:49,311
"He's not working up
to his ability." Right?

865
00:46:51,563 --> 00:46:54,608
Yeah, so, anyway,
I took these fuckin' mushrooms.

866
00:46:55,650 --> 00:46:56,526
All right?

867
00:46:57,235 --> 00:47:00,989
And I realized that I have been
carrying that shit around

868
00:47:01,615 --> 00:47:04,784
and being like, all right,
well, that's why I drank the way I did.

869
00:47:05,744 --> 00:47:08,747
That's why I've trashed women the way I--

870
00:47:08,830 --> 00:47:10,165
all the fuckin' shit.

871
00:47:10,248 --> 00:47:14,586
I knew every fuckin' thing I did,
good and bad, in that moment.

872
00:47:14,669 --> 00:47:16,504
I was like, all right,
now I got to get sober

873
00:47:16,588 --> 00:47:18,965
and I got to fuckin' work
my way through this shit,

874
00:47:19,049 --> 00:47:20,800
because, you know, my wife--

875
00:47:20,884 --> 00:47:23,637
I don't know if you guys noticed,
I have a bit of a temper.

876
00:47:24,221 --> 00:47:26,598
[chuckles]

877
00:47:26,681 --> 00:47:28,642
"No, not you, Bill." Yeah.

878
00:47:28,725 --> 00:47:31,811
So here's the thing,
you know, I'm so fucked up

879
00:47:31,895 --> 00:47:35,649
and grew up in such a fucked-up time
that I didn't even think I had a temper

880
00:47:35,732 --> 00:47:40,445
'cause I was like, "I don't fuckin'
yell at people in my house."

881
00:47:40,528 --> 00:47:43,073
I curse my wife out,
I mean we get into it.

882
00:47:43,698 --> 00:47:45,742
I get into it with her,
but I don't go like,

883
00:47:45,825 --> 00:47:48,245
"Jesus Christ, you fuckin' bitch,"
I don't do that stuff.

884
00:47:48,328 --> 00:47:51,539
I don't yell at my kids,
but what I do is…

885
00:47:51,623 --> 00:47:53,083
what I still do is I flip out.

886
00:47:53,166 --> 00:47:56,795
So, like I said, I didn't think
that this was a problem.

887
00:47:56,878 --> 00:48:01,091
My wife told me it was a problem,
but I don't listen to her, you know.

888
00:48:01,174 --> 00:48:05,470
Why would I listen to her?
All she does is criticize, you know?

889
00:48:05,554 --> 00:48:09,599
I got nothing but bad reviews
on the fuckin' Husband Yelp.

890
00:48:09,683 --> 00:48:13,770
It's just all, "You know,
didn't enjoy the experience."

891
00:48:13,853 --> 00:48:18,400
"Thumbs down, half a star,"
never get a fuckin' "attaboy," right?

892
00:48:19,276 --> 00:48:21,778
So it just becomes
white noise after a while.

893
00:48:21,861 --> 00:48:25,073
"What, am I doing something wrong again?
Oh, yeah, you again, okay, great."

894
00:48:25,156 --> 00:48:27,826
"Great, what did I do this time, huh?"

895
00:48:27,909 --> 00:48:29,578
"What do I have to work on?"

896
00:48:29,661 --> 00:48:31,413
"Go ahead, fuckin' let me know," right?

897
00:48:33,540 --> 00:48:36,209
So, I don't listen to my lovely wife.

898
00:48:36,293 --> 00:48:38,753
Like an idiot--
Like the idiot that I am, so…

899
00:48:39,337 --> 00:48:41,464
One day I learned a harsh lesson, okay?

900
00:48:42,424 --> 00:48:43,592
It was a breakfast time.

901
00:48:43,675 --> 00:48:46,303
For some reason I had,
like, 20 minutes to myself,

902
00:48:46,386 --> 00:48:49,764
which is really rare when you
got two kids four and under, right?

903
00:48:49,848 --> 00:48:53,101
So I'm thinking like, "Holy shit,
I can actually make myself a breakfast,

904
00:48:53,184 --> 00:48:54,269
like the old days."

905
00:48:54,352 --> 00:48:56,813
"I'll make two eggs over easy,
I'll make some toast,

906
00:48:56,897 --> 00:48:59,649
I'll make some bacon,
fuckin' burn it up the way I like it."

907
00:48:59,733 --> 00:49:01,234
"It's gonna be the shit, right?"

908
00:49:01,318 --> 00:49:04,321
So I'm having a great time,
making myself a Grand Slam breakfast.

909
00:49:04,404 --> 00:49:07,616
I sit down to eat, I got the OJ,
I got the glass of water.

910
00:49:07,699 --> 00:49:10,327
It looks like a picture from a commercial.

911
00:49:10,410 --> 00:49:13,079
And right as I sit down to eat,
my phone lights up

912
00:49:13,163 --> 00:49:15,582
and I get a text message from my buddy.

913
00:49:15,665 --> 00:49:19,586
He goes, "Hey, man, I thought
you were coming on this Zoom meeting."

914
00:49:19,669 --> 00:49:22,839
"It started five minutes ago,
we need you on this."

915
00:49:22,923 --> 00:49:24,507
And I just absolutely lost it.

916
00:49:24,591 --> 00:49:27,177
I was like, Jesus Christ,
of course I have a meeting.

917
00:49:27,260 --> 00:49:30,305
Of course I have my meeting,
because why couldn't I just have

918
00:49:30,388 --> 00:49:34,434
one goddamn cocksucking
motherfucking moment to myself?!

919
00:49:34,517 --> 00:49:37,145
Fuckin' toast flying all over the place.

920
00:49:37,229 --> 00:49:38,521
Flippin' the fuck up.

921
00:49:38,605 --> 00:49:43,276
And then all of the sudden, my daughter,
who was like two and a half at the time,

922
00:49:43,360 --> 00:49:46,696
comes running into the kitchen
with big tears in her eyes,

923
00:49:46,780 --> 00:49:51,660
just going, "I sorry, I sorry, Dada.
Dada, I sorry."

924
00:49:51,743 --> 00:49:54,037
And I was like, "Oh, shit!"

925
00:49:54,120 --> 00:49:57,040
So I literally just squatted down,
I was like, "No, buddy, come here."

926
00:49:57,123 --> 00:49:59,751
"I wasn't yelling at you.
Daddy would never yell at you."

927
00:49:59,834 --> 00:50:03,505
"I love you, buddy.
Daddy was yelling at the phone, okay?"

928
00:50:03,588 --> 00:50:06,800
"Dad yells at the phone when it says stuff
that he doesn't like, okay?"

929
00:50:08,760 --> 00:50:11,638
"Your dad has issues. I'm sorry, buddy.
I would never yell at you."

930
00:50:11,721 --> 00:50:14,516
And I could literally feel
her tears drying in my shirt.

931
00:50:14,599 --> 00:50:16,685
I was like, "Buddy,
I would never do that, okay?"

932
00:50:16,768 --> 00:50:18,103
"I love you. You still love me?"

933
00:50:18,186 --> 00:50:20,355
She said, "Yeah."
I go, "Okay, all right, buddy."

934
00:50:20,438 --> 00:50:22,566
And then you know
when you do that thing with a kid

935
00:50:22,649 --> 00:50:26,278
where you turn them around and push them
in the direction you want them to go in?

936
00:50:35,120 --> 00:50:37,998
And I just had to sit there like,
I just did that

937
00:50:38,915 --> 00:50:41,585
to a two-and-a-half-year-old,
and she was like walking away,

938
00:50:41,668 --> 00:50:43,545
and I'm just sitting there thinking like,

939
00:50:43,628 --> 00:50:45,547
"How bad was that?"

940
00:50:46,798 --> 00:50:49,801
"Is she just gonna go play with a toy
and forget about it,

941
00:50:49,885 --> 00:50:52,596
or is she no longer
gonna be an astronaut?"

942
00:50:52,679 --> 00:50:55,432
Like, what did I just do?

943
00:50:56,975 --> 00:50:58,476
I thought I was better than my dad,

944
00:50:58,560 --> 00:51:00,854
I'm making the same mistakes
that he's making.

945
00:51:00,937 --> 00:51:02,355
I fuckin' hate myself.

946
00:51:02,439 --> 00:51:04,733
I didn't do the meeting,
I didn't eat the breakfast.

947
00:51:04,816 --> 00:51:07,027
I just went upstairs,
just wanted to be alone, right?

948
00:51:07,110 --> 00:51:11,156
Just want to be fuckin' alone, but I
got a wife, so it doesn't work that way.

949
00:51:11,239 --> 00:51:12,115
You know?

950
00:51:12,198 --> 00:51:15,243
Especially when you fuck up
as bad as I did

951
00:51:15,327 --> 00:51:16,745
and as loudly as I did.

952
00:51:16,828 --> 00:51:19,331
I knew she was comin' down the hall.

953
00:51:19,414 --> 00:51:22,042
I knew I was going
to have to watch some game film.

954
00:51:22,125 --> 00:51:26,296
She was bringing the projector,
the screen was gonna come down,

955
00:51:26,379 --> 00:51:28,798
and I'm literally just laying in there,
like, "Please, God,

956
00:51:28,882 --> 00:51:32,636
just let her give me two minutes
to fuckin' calm down."

957
00:51:33,428 --> 00:51:35,764
Nope, she just comes right in
and she's just like, "So…

958
00:51:38,099 --> 00:51:42,437
you wanna discuss that little incident
that happened downstairs in the kitchen?"

959
00:51:42,520 --> 00:51:44,773
And I'm like, "No, honey,
can you just give me a second?"

960
00:51:44,856 --> 00:51:47,651
"My heart is still on the floor.
Give me a second. I know I fucked up."

961
00:51:47,734 --> 00:51:50,987
She doesn't give a shit at that point,
and she's right, it's her kid too,

962
00:51:51,071 --> 00:51:54,908
so she just launched in, "If you think
you can do this in this fuckin' house…"

963
00:51:54,991 --> 00:51:56,993
All this shit, and…

964
00:51:57,077 --> 00:51:59,496
I mean, she was 100% right,

965
00:51:59,579 --> 00:52:01,581
but I wasn't ready
to hear the information.

966
00:52:02,499 --> 00:52:05,835
So she just sort of zoned out.
"They're my kids too and…"

967
00:52:08,296 --> 00:52:09,839
And I'm just sittin' there…

968
00:52:13,051 --> 00:52:15,595
laying in the bed
with the nerve to be upset with her.

969
00:52:15,679 --> 00:52:18,640
She didn't do anything,
and I'm just staring at her mouth

970
00:52:19,808 --> 00:52:21,643
as it's moving, not hearing anything.

971
00:52:23,520 --> 00:52:26,940
I just started thinking of the news,
a news story popped into my head.

972
00:52:28,858 --> 00:52:31,653
You know that news story,
you'll see it every year, year and a half.

973
00:52:31,736 --> 00:52:35,198
You'll see some guy,
never committed a crime in his life,

974
00:52:35,282 --> 00:52:37,534
you know, went to church every week.

975
00:52:37,617 --> 00:52:39,411
Helped old ladies across the street.

976
00:52:39,494 --> 00:52:41,913
And then out of nowhere,
he just kills his wife.

977
00:52:43,540 --> 00:52:46,501
It's gotta be from times like this.
It just has to be.

978
00:52:48,461 --> 00:52:50,797
He just had something to say.

979
00:52:50,880 --> 00:52:53,300
Like, I don't know,
I just fucked up, but…

980
00:52:54,009 --> 00:52:57,846
I knew she was right, so I sat there,
I fuckin' took it, you know?

981
00:52:57,929 --> 00:53:01,892
I will say, as an aside,
the next time you see a guy

982
00:53:01,975 --> 00:53:04,144
who never even cheated on his taxes,

983
00:53:04,227 --> 00:53:05,896
and then out of nowhere he kills his wife,

984
00:53:05,979 --> 00:53:08,899
I think it's high time to bring back
the question, "What did she say?"

985
00:53:08,982 --> 00:53:10,775
Okay? I'm just sayin', all right?

986
00:53:15,822 --> 00:53:18,909
Examine the problem from 360 degrees.

987
00:53:19,743 --> 00:53:21,620
So anyway, so,

988
00:53:22,412 --> 00:53:26,833
I love my dad and everything, you know,
but there's things I want to improve on,

989
00:53:26,917 --> 00:53:30,045
so the great thing I have done
is my kids are not afraid of me.

990
00:53:30,128 --> 00:53:33,840
And every time I have fucked up,
I've gotten down on my kids' level

991
00:53:33,924 --> 00:53:36,009
and let them know
that I was wrong and I apologize.

992
00:53:36,092 --> 00:53:38,553
So, the great thing is
my kids are not afraid of me.

993
00:53:38,637 --> 00:53:42,557
So now, my daughter's a little bit older,
she's like four and a half now,

994
00:53:42,641 --> 00:53:46,895
so now whenever I start flipping out,
she actually has been helping me to stop.

995
00:53:46,978 --> 00:53:49,731
'Cause the second I hear
that cute voice, I can't…

996
00:53:49,814 --> 00:53:52,234
I just think, "Dada, I sorry,"
I just immediately…

997
00:53:52,317 --> 00:53:54,069
It's hilarious, I'll be in the kitchen.

998
00:53:54,152 --> 00:53:56,446
I'm always in the kitchen
doing something, right?

999
00:53:56,529 --> 00:53:59,783
And one day I just come in like,
"What the fuck kind of toaster is this?"

1000
00:54:00,659 --> 00:54:02,202
"What was wrong with the other toaster?"

1001
00:54:02,285 --> 00:54:06,039
"I need to download the app
to make fucking cocksucking…"

1002
00:54:06,122 --> 00:54:08,124
And all of the sudden,
she'll just be like,

1003
00:54:08,208 --> 00:54:11,503
in the other room, be like,
"Dad, don't scream like that!"

1004
00:54:12,504 --> 00:54:15,882
The second I hear that voice,
I'm like, "You're right, buddy, sorry."

1005
00:54:16,883 --> 00:54:19,636
"Sorry, I'm just gonna
download the app here."

1006
00:54:21,054 --> 00:54:25,392
"Download the app in the amount of time
it would take to make some fuckin' toast!"

1007
00:54:25,475 --> 00:54:26,518
Um…

1008
00:54:27,852 --> 00:54:30,897
"Ooh, Dad, you said a bad word.
You said a bad word."

1009
00:54:31,731 --> 00:54:33,191
She does all of that shit, right?

1010
00:54:33,275 --> 00:54:36,278
To the point, one night--
we have movie night once a week.

1011
00:54:36,361 --> 00:54:38,989
It's my favorite thing, we'll watch
some Pixar thing, you know.

1012
00:54:39,072 --> 00:54:41,324
One of those great movies, you know.
They're great.

1013
00:54:41,408 --> 00:54:43,535
They're for kids and adults.
It's fuckin' awesome.

1014
00:54:43,618 --> 00:54:45,662
We sit down, make the popcorn
and everything.

1015
00:54:45,745 --> 00:54:48,081
So we have this smart TV
in the living room.

1016
00:54:48,164 --> 00:54:50,041
Oh, people, this is a smart TV.

1017
00:54:50,125 --> 00:54:51,668
Oh, is it smart.

1018
00:54:52,502 --> 00:54:53,837
Oh, is this fuckin' TV.

1019
00:54:53,920 --> 00:54:57,340
It's so goddamn smart
that one time I was in there,

1020
00:54:57,424 --> 00:55:00,218
I had all the lights up because
we were gonna watch a movie,

1021
00:55:00,302 --> 00:55:03,388
but the TV's so smart,
as I'm pressing "on"…

1022
00:55:03,471 --> 00:55:05,307
which you don't even do.

1023
00:55:05,390 --> 00:55:06,558
Don't hit the "on" button.

1024
00:55:06,641 --> 00:55:10,186
You hit the "on" button, that fucks it up,
you gotta press two other buttons.

1025
00:55:10,270 --> 00:55:13,273
"Oh, is that what I gotta do?
Is that what I have to fuckin' do?"

1026
00:55:14,733 --> 00:55:17,110
"Don't scream like that."
"You're right, buddy."

1027
00:55:18,820 --> 00:55:22,699
This fuckin' thing, if the lights
are out, will not turn on,

1028
00:55:22,782 --> 00:55:25,160
'cause it's thinking,
"Well, the lights are out,

1029
00:55:25,243 --> 00:55:28,330
obviously nobody is in the room."

1030
00:55:28,413 --> 00:55:30,498
Well, maybe somebody's asleep
on the couch

1031
00:55:30,582 --> 00:55:32,500
and they rolled over onto the remote.

1032
00:55:32,584 --> 00:55:34,252
Meanwhile I'm standing in the dark,

1033
00:55:34,336 --> 00:55:38,673
"You're gonna turn on 'cause I fuckin'
bought you and I fuckin' said so," right?

1034
00:55:40,133 --> 00:55:41,801
So my kid comes running.

1035
00:55:42,594 --> 00:55:45,263
She's like, "Dada,
don't scream like that."

1036
00:55:45,347 --> 00:55:47,849
I'm like, "You're right, buddy.
I'm sorry."

1037
00:55:47,933 --> 00:55:49,935
She's like, "Dada,
why do you scream like that?"

1038
00:55:50,018 --> 00:55:52,145
"'Cause I paid
all this money for this TV."

1039
00:55:52,229 --> 00:55:54,189
"I wanna sit down
and watch the movie with you,

1040
00:55:54,272 --> 00:55:56,691
and every time I go to turn it on,
it won't turn on."

1041
00:55:56,775 --> 00:55:58,318
"It's always something."

1042
00:55:58,401 --> 00:56:00,445
So she put her little hand
on my shoulder,

1043
00:56:00,528 --> 00:56:04,449
she goes, "Dada, it's gonna be okay.
It's gonna be okay."

1044
00:56:04,532 --> 00:56:06,910
Right? I don't even think
she knows what that means.

1045
00:56:07,994 --> 00:56:11,206
I just think she knows when to say it,
because my wife always says that.

1046
00:56:11,289 --> 00:56:14,459
"Honey, it's gonna be okay, just relax.
We'll get you another balloon."

1047
00:56:14,542 --> 00:56:15,961
"We can get you another one."

1048
00:56:16,044 --> 00:56:17,170
So that's what she did.

1049
00:56:17,254 --> 00:56:19,547
She was just going,
"Dada, it's gonna be okay."

1050
00:56:19,631 --> 00:56:22,717
Right? She had that little
cute hand on my shoulder.

1051
00:56:22,801 --> 00:56:25,637
And I don't know, it just hit me,
I was just thinking like, yeah.

1052
00:56:26,638 --> 00:56:28,431
You're right,
it is going to be okay, right?

1053
00:56:29,349 --> 00:56:31,268
"I mean, I could turn the lights on."

1054
00:56:33,520 --> 00:56:35,230
"I can relax.
I don't even need to watch it."

1055
00:56:35,313 --> 00:56:38,066
"As long as I'm hanging out with you,
this is great."

1056
00:56:38,149 --> 00:56:41,778
It was like a profound moment for me
for like half a second.

1057
00:56:41,861 --> 00:56:45,282
Then another moment,
then I felt like a loser

1058
00:56:45,365 --> 00:56:48,481
'cause I'm like, how fucked up am I
that a four-and-a-half-year-old

1059
00:56:48,564 --> 00:56:52,455
is, like, my life coach,
like, dropping these truth bombs on me?

1060
00:56:56,876 --> 00:56:59,087
So… anyway.

1061
00:56:59,170 --> 00:57:03,592
So I'm going to try to stay sober
until I figure out…

1062
00:57:04,175 --> 00:57:06,595
Yeah, dude, it fuckin' sucks, though,
I'm not gonna lie to you.

1063
00:57:07,596 --> 00:57:10,640
Just every day, takin' life in the face.

1064
00:57:13,143 --> 00:57:14,728
Praying for sleep.

1065
00:57:14,811 --> 00:57:17,188
Oh, God, make it end.

1066
00:57:17,272 --> 00:57:19,357
Fuckin' hate these happy sober people.

1067
00:57:19,441 --> 00:57:23,069
"It's amazing, I feel so alive.
I have all this fuckin' energy."

1068
00:57:25,113 --> 00:57:27,073
How long does that take, you know?

1069
00:57:27,157 --> 00:57:30,660
I drink a milk shake once a week,
that's my big fucking thing.

1070
00:57:30,744 --> 00:57:33,288
Have a root beer float, oh, it's just sad.

1071
00:57:33,872 --> 00:57:34,956
It's just a sad thing,

1072
00:57:35,040 --> 00:57:37,626
like watching an old athlete
that can't run anymore.

1073
00:57:42,923 --> 00:57:45,634
"I used to day drink, man, it was great."

1074
00:57:45,717 --> 00:57:46,760
So…

1075
00:57:47,510 --> 00:57:49,304
Anyway, um…

1076
00:57:49,387 --> 00:57:51,848
By the way, I haven't even mentioned
how blown away I am

1077
00:57:51,932 --> 00:57:53,225
that I'm playing in this place.

1078
00:57:53,308 --> 00:57:54,559
This is absolutely great.

1079
00:57:54,643 --> 00:57:56,186
[audience cheering]

1080
00:57:56,269 --> 00:57:57,437
Yeah.

1081
00:58:02,400 --> 00:58:05,487
It's hilarious. You stay up here
for like an hour with this wind,

1082
00:58:05,570 --> 00:58:07,239
your fuckin' lips get all chapped.

1083
00:58:07,322 --> 00:58:09,574
It's like you're standing
on the front of a boat.

1084
00:58:11,868 --> 00:58:15,163
So, anyway, let's end
with a couple of silly ones here.

1085
00:58:15,956 --> 00:58:17,207
We'll be on our way, right?

1086
00:58:17,290 --> 00:58:20,335
Let's see what I did.
All right, I'm doing good here.

1087
00:58:20,418 --> 00:58:22,754
All right, so, here's a good one for you.

1088
00:58:22,837 --> 00:58:24,005
A couple of years ago,

1089
00:58:24,089 --> 00:58:27,592
before all this stupid fuckin'
pandemic shit started,

1090
00:58:28,718 --> 00:58:30,512
Mother Nature's half-assed attempt

1091
00:58:30,595 --> 00:58:32,806
to get rid of the amount of people
she needs to get rid of,

1092
00:58:32,889 --> 00:58:36,268
you know, just procrastinating,
treating it like a term paper.

1093
00:58:36,893 --> 00:58:37,978
Um…

1094
00:58:39,020 --> 00:58:42,732
I was in New York, I had an acting gig.
I was playing a fireman.

1095
00:58:42,816 --> 00:58:45,986
All right, now,
I'm not the best actor, right?

1096
00:58:46,069 --> 00:58:46,987
Some of you saw it.

1097
00:58:47,070 --> 00:58:49,322
I hope you paid for it,
you cheap bastards.

1098
00:58:50,365 --> 00:58:52,909
You all watched it for free, you bastards.

1099
00:58:53,493 --> 00:58:56,580
So, anyways, I'm not the best actor,
so I have to look the part,

1100
00:58:56,663 --> 00:59:00,875
so I grew this giant fireman mustache,
big stupid fireman mustache,

1101
00:59:00,959 --> 00:59:04,254
which looked great when I was wearing
the whole fireman getup,

1102
00:59:04,337 --> 00:59:05,964
and they put the fake dirt on my face.

1103
00:59:06,047 --> 00:59:09,801
I looked like I'd been
fighting fires for 20 years, right?

1104
00:59:09,885 --> 00:59:12,512
However, the second
I took off the costume

1105
00:59:12,596 --> 00:59:15,473
and they cleaned off my face
and I put on my regular clothes,

1106
00:59:15,557 --> 00:59:18,768
I immediately just looked
like some sad old queen

1107
00:59:18,852 --> 00:59:21,104
that never found love, right?

1108
00:59:22,522 --> 00:59:27,652
And as luck would have it,
I was in New York City in June,

1109
00:59:27,736 --> 00:59:31,531
which I quickly found out
was Gay Pride Month.

1110
00:59:31,615 --> 00:59:33,199
The whole month.

1111
00:59:33,283 --> 00:59:37,078
And let me tell you something,
the gay guys show up strong.

1112
00:59:37,162 --> 00:59:41,207
It is wall-to-wall, the fuckin' island
is almost tipping over,

1113
00:59:41,291 --> 00:59:42,417
there's so many of them.

1114
00:59:42,500 --> 00:59:45,211
And I'm sitting there going,
"Oh, my God."

1115
00:59:45,295 --> 00:59:47,380
Thirty days of this shit.

1116
00:59:47,464 --> 00:59:48,924
I'm walking around with this orange

1117
00:59:49,007 --> 00:59:52,427
Freddie Mercury fuckin' dick broom
on my face.

1118
00:59:53,428 --> 00:59:56,848
I am gonna be getting harassed
up and down the street.

1119
00:59:56,932 --> 01:00:00,310
I was in actor shape, man,
I was fuckin' shredded.

1120
01:00:03,521 --> 01:00:08,401
I gotta tell you something, man,
when I tell you 30 days of June,

1121
01:00:08,485 --> 01:00:12,155
not one gay guy
even fuckin' looked at me.

1122
01:00:13,448 --> 01:00:15,325
Forget about even hit on me.

1123
01:00:15,408 --> 01:00:21,498
I have never felt so old
and undesirable in my life.

1124
01:00:21,581 --> 01:00:24,417
Dude, I'm gonna tell you something,
there's one thing as a man

1125
01:00:24,501 --> 01:00:27,545
when you get so old
that women don't look at you anymore.

1126
01:00:27,629 --> 01:00:30,632
Like, you know you're gonna hit that age,
you know that day's coming,

1127
01:00:30,715 --> 01:00:33,760
but nobody tells you, at some point,
you're gonna get so old,

1128
01:00:33,843 --> 01:00:36,680
not even a man wants to fuck you, right?

1129
01:00:37,514 --> 01:00:38,765
Dude, that is a statement.

1130
01:00:38,848 --> 01:00:42,352
When you get so old,
some queen in his sixties is,

1131
01:00:42,435 --> 01:00:44,312
"Keep it movin',
I can do better than that."

1132
01:00:44,396 --> 01:00:45,522
"Jesus Christ."

1133
01:00:45,605 --> 01:00:48,900
"Get some fuckin' hair plugs or something.
Get a spray tan."

1134
01:00:48,984 --> 01:00:52,571
"I can get someone in his forties.
Come on, keep going."

1135
01:00:52,654 --> 01:00:55,115
Dude, I was having
this fuckin' panic attack.

1136
01:00:55,198 --> 01:00:58,410
I was thinking like, "Oh, my God,
I waited too long to get married."

1137
01:00:58,493 --> 01:01:00,787
"I had kids too late,
I'm gonna die soon."

1138
01:01:00,870 --> 01:01:03,415
I was literally wrapping up
my life, you know?

1139
01:01:03,498 --> 01:01:07,877
So I'm walking down like Ninth Avenue,
putting a little swish in my fuckin' step,

1140
01:01:07,961 --> 01:01:09,296
just tryin' to get something.

1141
01:01:09,379 --> 01:01:10,338
I was desperate.

1142
01:01:10,422 --> 01:01:12,924
Fuck you, ladies, you've been there.
You know how it is.

1143
01:01:13,884 --> 01:01:16,761
You wanna think you got
one more in ya, you know?

1144
01:01:17,637 --> 01:01:20,098
So I'm tra-la-la-ing down the street.

1145
01:01:24,978 --> 01:01:26,938
I really wish that wasn't the truth.

1146
01:01:27,022 --> 01:01:30,275
So I'm going down Ninth Avenue,
and all of the sudden I looked up,

1147
01:01:30,358 --> 01:01:33,486
and about two blocks away,
I see this lesbian coming up the block.

1148
01:01:33,570 --> 01:01:36,323
Okay? Now, I know
this is Boulder, Colorado, right?

1149
01:01:36,406 --> 01:01:40,452
So you guys are all like,
"Fuckin', hey, man, you know?"

1150
01:01:41,620 --> 01:01:45,123
Like, "How did you, like,
know she was a lesbian, man?"

1151
01:01:45,206 --> 01:01:46,333
"Like, that's not cool."

1152
01:01:46,416 --> 01:01:49,252
"You just looked at her and
you just knew she was a lesbian?"

1153
01:01:49,961 --> 01:01:52,088
"You don't know her, how did you just…"

1154
01:01:52,797 --> 01:01:54,841
"How do you just know
somebody's a lesbian?"

1155
01:01:55,467 --> 01:01:56,676
Easy.

1156
01:01:58,094 --> 01:01:59,721
The same way you do.

1157
01:02:03,225 --> 01:02:05,352
The same way other lesbians do.

1158
01:02:06,186 --> 01:02:07,729
It's not calculus.

1159
01:02:09,439 --> 01:02:13,193
No, but I understand in 2021,
you're not allowed to say

1160
01:02:13,276 --> 01:02:16,071
you know
"what a lesbian looks like," right?

1161
01:02:16,947 --> 01:02:19,532
Judging by your silence, yes, right?

1162
01:02:20,367 --> 01:02:21,910
Yeah, you're not allowed, right?

1163
01:02:21,993 --> 01:02:25,455
What's funny, if some white kid
came in here, like 20 years old,

1164
01:02:25,538 --> 01:02:28,625
hair slicked back, collar popped,
loafers, no socks,

1165
01:02:28,708 --> 01:02:31,795
you'd be looking at him thinking,
"All right, frat boy, date rapist."

1166
01:02:31,878 --> 01:02:34,130
"His dad's a judge.
He's not going to jail."

1167
01:02:34,214 --> 01:02:37,926
"Yeah. Just killed five people
in a drinking-and-driving accident."

1168
01:02:38,009 --> 01:02:40,804
"Already has a new
Dodge Challenger on the way."

1169
01:02:40,887 --> 01:02:42,013
Right?

1170
01:02:42,514 --> 01:02:46,226
Yeah, you're allowed to see that,
that you can see.

1171
01:02:46,309 --> 01:02:47,686
Clear as day.

1172
01:02:49,437 --> 01:02:50,897
Lesbian.

1173
01:02:52,232 --> 01:02:53,858
I have no idea.

1174
01:02:55,193 --> 01:02:58,446
No, but that's how progressive
you guys are.

1175
01:02:58,530 --> 01:02:59,614
Right?

1176
01:03:00,407 --> 01:03:03,118
You don't have any idea.

1177
01:03:03,201 --> 01:03:04,286
Right?

1178
01:03:04,869 --> 01:03:06,371
Like, let's play a game.

1179
01:03:06,913 --> 01:03:08,873
I'll just name different people you see

1180
01:03:10,083 --> 01:03:12,836
and see the slides
that come into your head, right?

1181
01:03:14,629 --> 01:03:16,006
Construction worker.

1182
01:03:16,756 --> 01:03:18,091
Sports fan.

1183
01:03:19,259 --> 01:03:20,302
Painter.

1184
01:03:21,219 --> 01:03:22,345
Skateboarder.

1185
01:03:23,138 --> 01:03:24,347
Lesbian.

1186
01:03:25,515 --> 01:03:26,933
Right? It all goes blank.

1187
01:03:29,019 --> 01:03:30,604
Is that a lesbian?

1188
01:03:30,687 --> 01:03:32,063
Am I a…?

1189
01:03:34,107 --> 01:03:36,985
I mean, I have gay friends,
but I've never noticed

1190
01:03:37,068 --> 01:03:39,362
any sort of a throughline.

1191
01:03:40,280 --> 01:03:43,283
Listen, people, I'm not saying
all lesbians look alike.

1192
01:03:43,366 --> 01:03:46,036
I would never say
some ignorant shit like that.

1193
01:03:46,119 --> 01:03:49,289
However, I am saying, though,

1194
01:03:49,372 --> 01:03:52,250
every once in a while,
there's a fucking layup.

1195
01:03:52,334 --> 01:03:53,418
Right?

1196
01:03:54,961 --> 01:03:58,548
Flattop, wallet chain,
fuckin' walking up the street.

1197
01:03:59,257 --> 01:04:00,133
Right?

1198
01:04:01,051 --> 01:04:05,555
But even then, I'm not saying 100%.

1199
01:04:05,639 --> 01:04:08,391
But gun to my head, I gotta go lesbian.

1200
01:04:09,267 --> 01:04:10,393
Gotta go lesbian.

1201
01:04:10,477 --> 01:04:13,146
Final answer, final answer,
show me "lesbian."

1202
01:04:13,897 --> 01:04:14,814
Right?

1203
01:04:16,775 --> 01:04:18,318
So, anyway…

1204
01:04:18,902 --> 01:04:21,655
She's fuckin' walkin' up the street.

1205
01:04:22,572 --> 01:04:24,199
I'm comin' down, right?

1206
01:04:26,034 --> 01:04:27,786
And it's clear to me

1207
01:04:29,246 --> 01:04:32,958
that if we keep walking the way we're
walking, we're gonna bump into each other.

1208
01:04:33,041 --> 01:04:34,793
I don't wanna bump into a woman,

1209
01:04:34,876 --> 01:04:37,003
I don't want to bump
into anybody in New York,

1210
01:04:37,087 --> 01:04:38,630
so I do the gentlemanly thing.

1211
01:04:38,713 --> 01:04:40,257
I clock what's going on,

1212
01:04:40,340 --> 01:04:43,093
so I just gradually
shift over into my lane.

1213
01:04:43,176 --> 01:04:46,388
Now everything's fine, right?
But then the weirdest thing happened.

1214
01:04:46,471 --> 01:04:48,974
We walk like another 30 yards,
and all of the sudden,

1215
01:04:49,057 --> 01:04:51,184
she drifts back into my lane again.

1216
01:04:51,268 --> 01:04:54,771
And I'm sitting there walking like,
"Wow, that was kind of crazy."

1217
01:04:56,565 --> 01:04:58,191
"Thought I solved this problem."

1218
01:04:58,775 --> 01:05:01,361
All right, so I fuckin' dip
into another lane again.

1219
01:05:01,444 --> 01:05:06,032
Okay, I'm walking, we go another 30 yards,
she comes back into my lane again.

1220
01:05:06,116 --> 01:05:08,451
So now I'm up against the curb.

1221
01:05:08,535 --> 01:05:12,038
So now I'm thinking, how do I do
the politically correct math here?

1222
01:05:12,122 --> 01:05:13,707
What am I supposed to be doing here?

1223
01:05:13,790 --> 01:05:17,502
Am I supposed to step off
into the bike lane

1224
01:05:17,586 --> 01:05:21,006
and have some young kid
on his electric bicycle come by,

1225
01:05:21,089 --> 01:05:23,258
forty miles an hour, run me over,

1226
01:05:23,341 --> 01:05:25,635
I go down to the pavement,
knees and elbows?

1227
01:05:25,719 --> 01:05:27,804
And for the rest of my life,
every time it rains,

1228
01:05:27,888 --> 01:05:30,682
I gotta think about this lesbian
that walked me off the fuckin' block?

1229
01:05:31,224 --> 01:05:32,601
Is that what I'm supposed to do?

1230
01:05:33,518 --> 01:05:35,729
Am I supposed to give up
the whole sidewalk?

1231
01:05:35,812 --> 01:05:38,773
Like, "Oh, your gayness!"

1232
01:05:38,857 --> 01:05:39,858
Right?

1233
01:05:41,484 --> 01:05:45,363
Or do I stiffen up my shoulder

1234
01:05:46,448 --> 01:05:47,908
and protect my lane?

1235
01:05:47,991 --> 01:05:48,950
Right?

1236
01:05:49,993 --> 01:05:54,247
Now, I'm not proud of this,
but I chose the latter, all right?

1237
01:05:55,040 --> 01:05:58,001
I was like, "Look, I'm 53."

1238
01:05:58,084 --> 01:06:01,963
"I moved twice. I have an AARP card.
I'm the fuckin' victim here."

1239
01:06:02,047 --> 01:06:03,590
So…

1240
01:06:03,673 --> 01:06:08,136
I stiffen up the shoulder and immediately
I'm thinking this is gonna get crazy.

1241
01:06:08,220 --> 01:06:10,889
I've never done this with a female before.

1242
01:06:10,972 --> 01:06:13,934
This is in public, people are gonna
see this shit, what's gonna happen?

1243
01:06:14,017 --> 01:06:16,686
But I'm not going to lie,
she started closing in, she was moving,

1244
01:06:16,770 --> 01:06:20,523
so I like leaned in,
like I really got my legs underneath me,

1245
01:06:20,607 --> 01:06:23,818
'cause she was built like a janitor
and I was not gonna get spun around.

1246
01:06:23,902 --> 01:06:25,528
I wasn't gettin' spun around.

1247
01:06:25,612 --> 01:06:27,948
Not having that
on the fuckin' logbook, right?

1248
01:06:28,031 --> 01:06:30,784
So I lean into this shit,
and at the last second,

1249
01:06:30,867 --> 01:06:33,662
she turned her shoulder
and we just missed shoulders,

1250
01:06:33,745 --> 01:06:35,789
but our forearms still slapped together

1251
01:06:35,872 --> 01:06:40,252
with significant enough force
that it warranted a turnaround.

1252
01:06:41,544 --> 01:06:43,630
Okay? Now, I know most of you guys drive,

1253
01:06:43,713 --> 01:06:48,510
so I will break down pedestrian etiquette
really quickly in New York City.

1254
01:06:48,593 --> 01:06:51,179
This is the deal, if you're walking
down the street in New York,

1255
01:06:51,263 --> 01:06:53,848
you're walking and you just sort of
brush sleeves with somebody,

1256
01:06:53,932 --> 01:06:55,100
you don't have to stop.

1257
01:06:55,183 --> 01:06:57,811
Just look over your shoulder,
"Sorry, man, my bad, have a nice day."

1258
01:06:57,894 --> 01:07:01,356
Right? Then there's the next level.
Moves up a little bit.

1259
01:07:01,439 --> 01:07:04,067
You're walking down the street,
you actually bump into somebody,

1260
01:07:04,150 --> 01:07:06,611
you actually have to turn around,
"Sorry, I didn't see you."

1261
01:07:06,695 --> 01:07:09,030
A little dojo bow, "My bad."

1262
01:07:09,114 --> 01:07:11,825
Whatever you have to do… "My sensei"…

1263
01:07:11,908 --> 01:07:13,868
to keep it from escalating.

1264
01:07:14,786 --> 01:07:16,162
And then there's the last one.

1265
01:07:16,246 --> 01:07:19,499
You're just walking down the street
and you hit so fuckin' hard,

1266
01:07:19,583 --> 01:07:22,961
you gotta turn around and go like
old-school Dustin Hoffman-De Niro,

1267
01:07:23,044 --> 01:07:26,256
like, "Hey, I'm fuckin' walkin' here!
Huh?"

1268
01:07:26,339 --> 01:07:28,675
"I fuckin' moved twice,
you didn't see that?"

1269
01:07:28,758 --> 01:07:31,094
"You drifted two times, huh?"

1270
01:07:31,177 --> 01:07:34,472
So I turn around
to have this confrontation,

1271
01:07:34,556 --> 01:07:38,310
and let me tell you something,
she never looked back.

1272
01:07:40,228 --> 01:07:42,647
And I'm not gonna lie to you,
that bugged me.

1273
01:07:44,274 --> 01:07:46,151
That bugged me for like three days.

1274
01:07:49,195 --> 01:07:51,323
Three days, I'm just walking
around New York,

1275
01:07:51,406 --> 01:07:52,866
"Goddamn fuckin' bullshit,

1276
01:07:52,949 --> 01:07:55,577
there's no fuckin' way
you didn't do that on purpose!"

1277
01:07:55,660 --> 01:07:57,245
"Who does that, who drifts?" You know?

1278
01:07:57,329 --> 01:08:00,415
And I'm feeling this anger,
it's just burning me up,

1279
01:08:00,498 --> 01:08:03,001
and I know eventually
it's gonna settle in my chest,

1280
01:08:03,084 --> 01:08:06,004
and then one more time it's gonna be,
"I sorry, Dada, I sorry."

1281
01:08:06,087 --> 01:08:09,633
It's like I can't do this to my daughter,
I can't do this to my kids.

1282
01:08:09,716 --> 01:08:12,344
So I started reading up on anger.

1283
01:08:12,427 --> 01:08:14,846
Like, "how to let go of this,"
I think is what I Googled.

1284
01:08:16,848 --> 01:08:18,141
And I found empathy.

1285
01:08:18,225 --> 01:08:21,645
If you have empathy for somebody,
you put yourself in their shoes,

1286
01:08:21,728 --> 01:08:24,189
you can just, you know, figure out

1287
01:08:24,272 --> 01:08:27,234
where they're coming from, where
you're coming from, meet in the middle,

1288
01:08:27,317 --> 01:08:30,487
so I said, here we go,
let me put myself in her shoes.

1289
01:08:30,570 --> 01:08:35,408
What would cause somebody to accidentally
drift into your lane twice?

1290
01:08:35,492 --> 01:08:37,744
You know, so I just started
throwing shit on the wall.

1291
01:08:37,827 --> 01:08:40,413
Did she have a clubfoot? No.

1292
01:08:40,497 --> 01:08:41,748
Did she just have a stroke?

1293
01:08:41,831 --> 01:08:45,252
Did she have Bell's palsy
of her left side? You know?

1294
01:08:46,002 --> 01:08:48,463
Was she a mummy?
Did she have a wooden leg?

1295
01:08:48,546 --> 01:08:51,883
You know? Is she one
of those fuckin' diagonal walkers?

1296
01:08:51,967 --> 01:08:54,511
You get behind them at the airport,
they're walkin' too slow,

1297
01:08:54,594 --> 01:08:57,931
you go around to the right, they start
dragging their suitcase over there.

1298
01:08:58,014 --> 01:09:00,475
You go over to the left,
they're coming back this way, you know?

1299
01:09:00,559 --> 01:09:02,060
It's like they just got off a ship.

1300
01:09:02,143 --> 01:09:05,981
And everything was just like,
no, no, no, cut! Right?

1301
01:09:06,064 --> 01:09:07,524
And I was still mad.

1302
01:09:07,607 --> 01:09:09,985
I was still fuckin' mad.

1303
01:09:11,861 --> 01:09:14,364
So I said, "Who gives a shit?
I don't give a fuck."

1304
01:09:14,906 --> 01:09:17,200
Lied to myself,
said I didn't give a fuck, you know?

1305
01:09:17,284 --> 01:09:19,411
So then I ended up going home.

1306
01:09:19,494 --> 01:09:22,872
Then I'm washing the dishes,
which is a very Zen-like thing to do.

1307
01:09:22,956 --> 01:09:25,709
It's a week later, you wash dishes,
you're not thinking of anything.

1308
01:09:25,792 --> 01:09:27,961
Your brain is empty,
I'm washing the dishes,

1309
01:09:28,044 --> 01:09:30,964
and then all of the sudden,
the answer just came to me.

1310
01:09:31,047 --> 01:09:34,092
It just floated into my head,
and I just looked up.

1311
01:09:34,175 --> 01:09:37,804
I was like, "Oh, my God.
I know why she did it."

1312
01:09:39,639 --> 01:09:41,766
I know why she bumped into me.

1313
01:09:43,894 --> 01:09:47,772
She bumped into me
because she's a lesbian.

1314
01:09:55,739 --> 01:09:57,032
It was right there.

1315
01:09:57,115 --> 01:09:59,951
I was, like, looking nine miles down
the street, looking under shrubs.

1316
01:10:00,035 --> 01:10:01,912
It was right in front of my face.

1317
01:10:01,995 --> 01:10:05,707
She did it because she's a lesbian.

1318
01:10:08,710 --> 01:10:12,172
All right, so judging
by most of your silence,

1319
01:10:12,923 --> 01:10:14,716
I will do this math for you, come on.

1320
01:10:16,760 --> 01:10:18,303
Let's have a little empathy here.

1321
01:10:18,386 --> 01:10:22,057
Put yourself in a lesbian's shoes,
all right?

1322
01:10:23,391 --> 01:10:24,935
Who do lesbians date?

1323
01:10:25,018 --> 01:10:26,019
Women.

1324
01:10:27,562 --> 01:10:30,106
Who do they move in with? Women.

1325
01:10:30,190 --> 01:10:32,525
Who do they get in relationships with?
Women.

1326
01:10:32,609 --> 01:10:34,861
Who do they eventually marry? Women.

1327
01:10:34,945 --> 01:10:38,281
And I was thinking like,
"Oh, my God. I did that."

1328
01:10:38,365 --> 01:10:40,700
I know what the fuck that's like.

1329
01:10:40,784 --> 01:10:43,578
I know what it's like to live
with one of those fuckin' things.

1330
01:10:44,704 --> 01:10:46,581
I know exactly what that-- it's hopeless.

1331
01:10:47,249 --> 01:10:48,291
Trying to make them happy.

1332
01:10:48,375 --> 01:10:51,920
"Hey, I bought you this shiny thing.
Did I do it right, huh?"

1333
01:10:52,003 --> 01:10:55,048
Trying to get them
to take responsibility for their actions.

1334
01:10:55,131 --> 01:10:56,424
Not gonna happen.

1335
01:10:57,092 --> 01:10:59,678
The best you're gonna get is,
"I'm sorry, but…"

1336
01:11:01,346 --> 01:11:04,224
I know what it's like to be winning
a fuckin' argument, you're winning,

1337
01:11:04,307 --> 01:11:07,477
and then they turn it around,
they're crying, you're apologizing.

1338
01:11:07,561 --> 01:11:09,312
You're thinking,
what the fuck just happened?

1339
01:11:09,396 --> 01:11:12,274
How am I losing this shit?
I had you on the ropes.

1340
01:11:12,357 --> 01:11:14,943
You feel so dumb,
you got to go for a walk.

1341
01:11:15,026 --> 01:11:16,194
And you're just thinking,

1342
01:11:16,278 --> 01:11:18,071
how did I lose again?

1343
01:11:18,154 --> 01:11:19,197
How did I lose again?

1344
01:11:19,739 --> 01:11:22,993
And then you figure it out,
it makes you feel stupid,

1345
01:11:23,076 --> 01:11:26,204
and then you see some bald idiot
with a giant orange mustache,

1346
01:11:26,288 --> 01:11:29,332
you're like, "You know what,
why don't you take some of that shit?"

1347
01:11:31,293 --> 01:11:33,420
"You take some of that fuckin' anger."

1348
01:11:33,503 --> 01:11:34,379
Yeah.

1349
01:11:37,132 --> 01:11:40,969
I feel so stupid
that I got mad at that woman.

1350
01:11:41,052 --> 01:11:43,638
I shouldn't have got mad at her,
I should have bought her a beer.

1351
01:11:44,598 --> 01:11:47,017
And just listen to her troubles
and had empathy

1352
01:11:47,100 --> 01:11:50,437
and be like, "It's not your fault.
You married a woman, I did it too."

1353
01:11:50,520 --> 01:11:53,189
"You're not gonna win.
There's no winning this."

1354
01:11:54,608 --> 01:11:59,195
Yeah. I'm telling you, if you don't
believe me, do a little people-watching.

1355
01:11:59,279 --> 01:12:01,740
Take a look at the look
on the average lesbian's face.

1356
01:12:02,532 --> 01:12:05,410
I don't mean a lesbian in her twenties,
she's got her life ahead of her,

1357
01:12:05,493 --> 01:12:07,746
she's got Christmas in her eyes, right?

1358
01:12:07,829 --> 01:12:12,167
I mean, a lesbian about 35, 36,

1359
01:12:12,250 --> 01:12:16,296
starting to settle in
to what the deal's gonna be, right?

1360
01:12:16,379 --> 01:12:20,050
And then look across the bar,
find a married guy about the same age.

1361
01:12:20,133 --> 01:12:21,801
Look at the look on his face.

1362
01:12:22,552 --> 01:12:25,347
Look at the look on her face,
go back to his face.

1363
01:12:25,430 --> 01:12:27,098
It's the same fuckin' look.

1364
01:12:28,558 --> 01:12:30,644
Yeah. And then look at gay guys.

1365
01:12:30,727 --> 01:12:33,688
Some of the happiest people
I've ever met in my life.

1366
01:12:34,981 --> 01:12:37,359
They're almost too happy.
It's like, "Hey, how's it going?"

1367
01:12:37,442 --> 01:12:38,777
They're like, "Hi!"

1368
01:12:39,319 --> 01:12:41,738
Almost floating across the room

1369
01:12:41,821 --> 01:12:46,117
with that lack of estrogen
just yanking down your fuckin' dreams.

1370
01:12:48,370 --> 01:12:49,412
No.

1371
01:12:49,496 --> 01:12:51,748
Now, look, it might be a front.

1372
01:12:52,499 --> 01:12:56,002
I'm not saying all gay guys
are just blissfully happy,

1373
01:12:56,086 --> 01:12:59,923
but it's looking like
a pretty good time to me.

1374
01:13:00,715 --> 01:13:04,261
Dude, they're some of the most positive
people I've ever met in my life.

1375
01:13:04,344 --> 01:13:06,096
Any idea you have, they support it.

1376
01:13:06,179 --> 01:13:09,474
They're just like, "Yes, yes, queen, yes!"

1377
01:13:09,558 --> 01:13:12,894
"You're fierce, you can do it!"

1378
01:13:12,978 --> 01:13:15,939
Lesbians are up in the bar
like a bunch of jaded cops.

1379
01:13:16,022 --> 01:13:18,024
"It's all fuckin' bullshit."

1380
01:13:18,108 --> 01:13:19,818
"What the fuck was I thinking?"

1381
01:13:19,901 --> 01:13:23,947
"U-Hauling after ten days, moving in.
What the fuck was I thinking?"

1382
01:13:24,948 --> 01:13:26,283
"She's crazy!"

1383
01:13:28,994 --> 01:13:32,122
No, I'm telling you,
I think married men and lesbians

1384
01:13:32,205 --> 01:13:34,207
need to start hanging out more,

1385
01:13:34,291 --> 01:13:38,003
and we gotta put our heads together
and try to solve our common problem,

1386
01:13:38,086 --> 01:13:39,838
the women in our lives.

1387
01:13:39,921 --> 01:13:42,674
So we can somehow attain
the perceived happiness

1388
01:13:42,757 --> 01:13:44,467
of the average gay dude out there.

1389
01:13:45,635 --> 01:13:50,098
Yeah. So, if you believe in that shit,
I'll give you some advice.

1390
01:13:50,181 --> 01:13:53,852
If you're gonna expand
your fuckin' world of friends,

1391
01:13:53,935 --> 01:13:55,061
I'll give you some advice.

1392
01:13:55,145 --> 01:13:57,522
You can't just hang out with any lesbian.

1393
01:13:58,106 --> 01:14:01,109
All right? You gotta make sure
you're hanging out with the dude

1394
01:14:01,192 --> 01:14:03,486
in the relationship, right?

1395
01:14:03,570 --> 01:14:06,239
And by "dude," I'm not saying she's manly,
I'm not being ignorant.

1396
01:14:06,323 --> 01:14:11,369
By "dude," I just mean she's the one
that gets blamed for most of the shit.

1397
01:14:11,453 --> 01:14:12,370
Right?

1398
01:14:12,454 --> 01:14:14,664
'Cause no relationship is balanced.

1399
01:14:14,748 --> 01:14:16,791
Somebody is getting away with more.

1400
01:14:16,875 --> 01:14:19,961
Somebody's drafting behind the other.
It's like a bike race.

1401
01:14:20,045 --> 01:14:23,214
Somebody else is taking
the fuckin' weather in the face.

1402
01:14:23,298 --> 01:14:24,716
[imitates fanfare]

1403
01:14:24,799 --> 01:14:25,675
Right?

1404
01:14:25,759 --> 01:14:27,761
Somebody else is fuckin' right behind.

1405
01:14:27,844 --> 01:14:29,387
"Oh, yeah, it really is wet."

1406
01:14:29,471 --> 01:14:31,556
Just kind of hiding
under your fuckin' poncho.

1407
01:14:32,182 --> 01:14:36,269
Male-female, female-female, they-they,
whatever the fuck it is you're into.

1408
01:14:36,353 --> 01:14:39,689
Every relationship, there's the person
that does the dishes

1409
01:14:39,773 --> 01:14:41,608
and the person that lets them soak.

1410
01:14:41,691 --> 01:14:42,901
Right?

1411
01:14:44,527 --> 01:14:47,697
They don't let them soak.
They know you're gonna do 'em.

1412
01:14:47,781 --> 01:14:49,074
They're just waitin' you out.

1413
01:14:49,157 --> 01:14:51,243
After a while,
you can't fuckin' take it anymore.

1414
01:14:51,326 --> 01:14:53,995
They're just sitting there.
You gotta go start doing them.

1415
01:14:54,079 --> 01:14:55,038
Then what do they do?

1416
01:14:55,121 --> 01:14:57,958
They sit in the other room and wait,
like they don't know what you're doing,

1417
01:14:58,041 --> 01:15:01,461
and wait till they hear pots and pans,
and that's when the show starts.

1418
01:15:01,544 --> 01:15:03,713
That's when they come
running in like, "What?"

1419
01:15:04,381 --> 01:15:06,049
"I was gonna do those!"

1420
01:15:07,717 --> 01:15:10,762
And you're like, "No, you weren't.
They've been sitting here eight hours."

1421
01:15:10,845 --> 01:15:14,182
"I got my hands in room-temperature water
with scrambled eggs floating around."

1422
01:15:14,266 --> 01:15:16,434
"Don't gaslight me,
you're a fuckin' animal."

1423
01:15:16,518 --> 01:15:18,478
"You were raised by animals,
get out of my sight."

1424
01:15:20,438 --> 01:15:23,483
"Don't yell at me!" Right?

1425
01:15:24,192 --> 01:15:25,318
Yes.

1426
01:15:25,402 --> 01:15:27,821
Every relationship has the person

1427
01:15:27,904 --> 01:15:31,074
that will take the trash bag
out of the trash barrel

1428
01:15:31,157 --> 01:15:32,534
and do a little…

1429
01:15:33,410 --> 01:15:36,788
Tie it off and then leave it
slumped against the counter.

1430
01:15:36,871 --> 01:15:40,041
Like it took two behind the ear
in a mob hit, just…

1431
01:15:41,001 --> 01:15:43,962
And then there's the person
that actually picks it up

1432
01:15:44,045 --> 01:15:48,717
and takes it out to the curb at night
and puts it in the trash can, right?

1433
01:15:49,467 --> 01:15:51,219
My wife's hilarious, I love her,

1434
01:15:51,303 --> 01:15:53,722
but she's got some
of the worst excuses ever.

1435
01:15:53,805 --> 01:15:55,473
"Why don't you ever take out the trash?"

1436
01:15:55,557 --> 01:15:58,143
She goes, "I would,
I'm just afraid of coyotes."

1437
01:16:00,437 --> 01:16:01,646
"I'm afraid of the coyotes."

1438
01:16:01,730 --> 01:16:04,608
It's like, "So am I! So am I!"

1439
01:16:05,483 --> 01:16:06,776
"They're rabid dogs."

1440
01:16:06,860 --> 01:16:09,070
"They hunt in packs of twos and threes."

1441
01:16:13,575 --> 01:16:15,869
"You don't do it
'cause you don't wanna do it

1442
01:16:15,952 --> 01:16:19,331
'cause you know I'm gonna do it,
just get the fuck away from me, please."

1443
01:16:19,414 --> 01:16:20,874
I'm telling you…

1444
01:16:21,708 --> 01:16:23,043
So, anyway…

1445
01:16:24,461 --> 01:16:27,130
I know I said
a lot of divisive shit here tonight,

1446
01:16:27,213 --> 01:16:30,759
so before I get out of here,
before I get out of here,

1447
01:16:30,842 --> 01:16:32,010
I want to…

1448
01:16:33,261 --> 01:16:35,138
Let's bring the room together.

1449
01:16:36,223 --> 01:16:38,600
It's a very divisive time.

1450
01:16:39,309 --> 01:16:40,852
Everyone wants to feel safe.

1451
01:16:40,936 --> 01:16:44,439
Let's do a nice, normal, mainstream topic,

1452
01:16:44,522 --> 01:16:47,192
so everybody can drive home happy,
no fights, all right?

1453
01:16:47,275 --> 01:16:48,860
Sound good? All right, great.

1454
01:16:48,944 --> 01:16:52,155
Let's talk abortion. There you go.

1455
01:16:52,239 --> 01:16:54,574
Everybody has an opinion.

1456
01:16:56,451 --> 01:16:57,827
"It's my body, it's my right."

1457
01:16:57,911 --> 01:17:00,497
"Well, then fuckin' drive
to Arkansas, bitch!"

1458
01:17:00,580 --> 01:17:03,500
Right? Everybody has an opinion.

1459
01:17:04,793 --> 01:17:09,381
As do I, and I apologize
that you're gonna have to listen to mine.

1460
01:17:09,464 --> 01:17:12,425
Because… I'm gonna tell you right now.

1461
01:17:12,509 --> 01:17:16,638
I have a really weird take on abortion.

1462
01:17:16,721 --> 01:17:18,890
I'm gonna tell you that
right from the get-go, okay?

1463
01:17:18,974 --> 01:17:22,310
I'm 100% pro-choice, always have been.

1464
01:17:22,394 --> 01:17:25,272
-[women cheering]
-Ladies, I said it was weird.

1465
01:17:25,355 --> 01:17:28,942
For the love of God.
Stop getting in the trunk in the car.

1466
01:17:30,443 --> 01:17:31,820
Wait till the end.

1467
01:17:31,903 --> 01:17:33,822
You're supposed to vet me first.

1468
01:17:35,574 --> 01:17:38,451
Whoo! Fuckin' feet out the sunroof.

1469
01:17:40,745 --> 01:17:42,330
I said I had a weird take.

1470
01:17:46,167 --> 01:17:48,253
Pro-choice always made sense to me

1471
01:17:48,336 --> 01:17:50,171
'cause I don't like people
telling me what to do,

1472
01:17:50,255 --> 01:17:52,090
and I was just like, it's your body.

1473
01:17:52,173 --> 01:17:55,719
Who the fuck am I to tell you
what to do with your body?

1474
01:17:55,802 --> 01:17:58,096
So that always made sense. All right?

1475
01:17:58,179 --> 01:18:01,600
However, I still think
you're killing a baby.

1476
01:18:02,642 --> 01:18:05,478
See? That's where it gets weird.

1477
01:18:05,562 --> 01:18:08,857
Like, I sit on the fence
and the whole thing makes sense to me.

1478
01:18:08,940 --> 01:18:11,568
When anybody's saying, like,
"Don't tell me what to do."

1479
01:18:11,651 --> 01:18:13,111
"It's my body, my choice."

1480
01:18:13,194 --> 01:18:15,614
That's right, man, she's right.
Leave her the hell alone.

1481
01:18:15,697 --> 01:18:17,240
"Well, you're killin' a baby!"

1482
01:18:17,324 --> 01:18:19,576
Well, I mean, there is that. You know?

1483
01:18:22,287 --> 01:18:23,538
If we're gonna be honest,

1484
01:18:23,622 --> 01:18:25,749
that is the whole purpose
of the procedure.

1485
01:18:26,458 --> 01:18:29,169
You're not going in there
'cause you got an earache.

1486
01:18:30,253 --> 01:18:32,422
You're going in there
'cause "I got a baby in me,

1487
01:18:32,505 --> 01:18:34,216
get it the fuck out of there!"

1488
01:18:34,299 --> 01:18:38,595
Right? You walk in with the baby,
you come out without one.

1489
01:18:38,678 --> 01:18:41,473
What happened to the baby, right?

1490
01:18:42,641 --> 01:18:44,476
Something fuckin' happened. So…

1491
01:18:45,393 --> 01:18:47,479
Pro-choice people like,
"Well, it's not a life yet."

1492
01:18:47,562 --> 01:18:49,648
"It's not a baby yet if--"
I don't know what they say.

1493
01:18:49,731 --> 01:18:52,442
"Before you do it the first Thursday
or the last Tuesday

1494
01:18:52,525 --> 01:18:54,194
and you spin around one time."

1495
01:18:54,277 --> 01:18:56,112
They dance between the right trucks.

1496
01:18:57,697 --> 01:18:59,741
"It's not a baby yet,"
that's what they say,

1497
01:18:59,824 --> 01:19:01,534
which may or may not be true.

1498
01:19:01,618 --> 01:19:03,203
I don't know, I'm not a doctor,

1499
01:19:03,286 --> 01:19:06,498
but I'll tell you, my gut tells me
that doesn't make sense.

1500
01:19:07,958 --> 01:19:08,875
It's not a baby yet.

1501
01:19:08,959 --> 01:19:12,754
That would be like if I was making a cake
and I poured some batter in a pan

1502
01:19:12,837 --> 01:19:15,590
and I put it in the oven,
and then five minutes later you came by

1503
01:19:15,674 --> 01:19:18,510
and you grabbed the pan,
you threw it across the floor.

1504
01:19:19,135 --> 01:19:22,222
And I went, "What the fuck?!
You just ruined my birthday cake."

1505
01:19:22,305 --> 01:19:25,016
And then you're like,
"Well, that wasn't a cake yet."

1506
01:19:25,767 --> 01:19:28,186
It's like, "Well, it would have been."

1507
01:19:29,062 --> 01:19:31,314
"If you didn't do what you just did,

1508
01:19:31,398 --> 01:19:34,025
there would have been a cake
in 50 minutes."

1509
01:19:34,109 --> 01:19:37,320
"Something happened to that cake,
you cake-murdering son of a bitch!"

1510
01:19:37,404 --> 01:19:38,655
Right?

1511
01:19:38,738 --> 01:19:42,784
Now, before all you pro-life people
get excited,

1512
01:19:42,867 --> 01:19:45,704
I think it's great
you're killing your babies.

1513
01:19:47,163 --> 01:19:49,249
It's fantastic.

1514
01:19:49,332 --> 01:19:53,086
Help Mother Nature out.
There's too many of us.

1515
01:19:53,169 --> 01:19:58,925
It's been 130 degrees out.
Animals are going extinct.

1516
01:19:59,634 --> 01:20:02,012
There's plastic in the fuckin' ocean.

1517
01:20:03,096 --> 01:20:06,224
We don't need any more fuckin' people.

1518
01:20:06,308 --> 01:20:09,269
And especially,
if you're honest with yourself,

1519
01:20:09,352 --> 01:20:11,771
have you done anything great
with your life?

1520
01:20:16,109 --> 01:20:19,237
Is the person you're banging
doing anything great?

1521
01:20:19,863 --> 01:20:22,616
The answer to both
of those questions is no,

1522
01:20:22,699 --> 01:20:25,035
what are the odds
you're gonna make a great person?

1523
01:20:26,453 --> 01:20:28,830
I'm not saying
you're gonna make a bad person,

1524
01:20:28,914 --> 01:20:33,293
you're just gonna make another person
that doesn't go when the light turns green

1525
01:20:33,376 --> 01:20:35,629
'cause they're staring
at their fuckin' phone.

1526
01:20:36,713 --> 01:20:38,715
All right, I'm out of time.
You guys were awesome.

1527
01:20:38,798 --> 01:20:41,509
Thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you.

1528
01:20:42,886 --> 01:20:44,262
This was amazing.

1529
01:20:45,597 --> 01:20:47,182
[cheering, whistling]

1530
01:20:49,100 --> 01:20:51,311
Thanks again.
Thank you for coming out, everybody.

1531
01:20:51,394 --> 01:20:53,271
I really appreciate it, good night.

1532
01:20:58,944 --> 01:21:01,112
[emcee] Bill Burr!

1533
01:21:01,196 --> 01:21:03,365
[audience cheering]

1534
01:21:36,189 --> 01:21:38,233
[cheering fades]

1535
01:21:51,621 --> 01:21:53,081
[audio muted]