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[quirky music plays]
[traffic hums]
[children chattering]
[train squeaks]
[claps]
[screams gleefully]
Look at you. Look at you.
Gorgeous. [chuckles]
115 minutes, four trains.
You're so lucky I fucking love you.
I am. But also, walking five blocks this pregnant?
It's equal. - Touche, bitch!
Woo! We're doing it.
[music fades]
Hi. Do you have any tickets available for the 9 a.m.?
Yeah, yeah, they all are. It's Thanksgiving at 9 a.m...
Okay, well, [chuckles] we'll take two then,
but you can keep the attitude in the booth.
It's a ritual, man.
We've seen a movie every Thanksgiving for 27 years.
Traditions of this caliber don't come by--
Okay, Eden? Can we just get the tickets so we can sit down?
My back hurts.
You fucked up her back.
You did not fuck up my back, baby did that.
[Eden] So I had a crazy night last night.
I'm drinking a hot toddy.
I clocked this other bitch drinking a hot toddy.
Oh, ew, wait a minute. My seat is wet.
Ew. Yuck! - What? Yuck.
So gross.
So I see she's drinking a hot toddy. You know, like your classic.
So we strike up a conversation or whatever.
It turns-- - Ew!
This seat is wet, too. - No.
- Yes. - Gross. - Yuck.
[laughs] Ew. Okay.
Turns out she's a retired nurse.
And I was like, "What's the most gruesome death you've ever seen?"
Oh that's a good follow up.
- And she's like-- - Fuck, no.
- What? - This seat is wet too.
Why does this theater have so many wet ass seats.
Okay. Is it you, maybe?
Are you possibly the wet factor?
None of my seats have been wet.
I mean, maybe it could be me, but I'm not due for another two weeks.
Can you check? - Sure.
[groans]
[popcorn crunches]
Let's see.
All right. Nothing...
- Cool. - Nothing...
[gasps] A drop.
Another drop.
Okay. All right.
Are you pissing, perchance? - I don't think I'm pissing.
You know, in the movies, it's like this 'whoosh'!
But this is just a light pussy drizzle.
Pussy drizzle, okay. You know what?
I'm gonna call Doctor Morris.
[popcorn crunches]
Two. Emergency.
Morris. Okay, it's ringing now.
Doctor Morris, it's dawn.
Okay. Trickling is accelerating.
It's like, one and a drop and a one and a drop...
I just need to know if my water broke or if it's just droplets.
It's a... - One and a drop. - It's a one and a drop.
There's more of a swing to it: And a one and a drop...
It's a one and a drop and a one and a drop.
With more of a swing to it. - Okay it's getting faster. It's triplets now.
Okay. Thank you I got it.
And d-d-drop, drop-drop-drop-drop.
Thank you, Bobby McFerrin. Yeah.
Okay. Thanks.
So I'm definitely in labor.
[laughs]
Oh my God.
What should we do? Should I-- Should I hug you?
- No, please don't touch me. - Okay.
He said I've got to go to the hospital.
But when I went in with Tommy,
It... [sighs] It was 25 hours until he was born.
25 hours of labor, and I couldn't eat any food.
They just gave me ice chips. - Okay, what if we bag the movie?
It still counts, our streak lives, for a last supper of sorts.
I love that.
Oh, yes.
Okay. That's it. - [fancy music plays]
I would say let me know if you need anything else,
but this is literally all the foods we have.
So... [chuckles] - Don't go far, though. We might need seconds.
Okay, no problem. And-- Oh, I'm sorry.
It looks like you had a little spill there.
Oh, no no no. That's just some drippage.
I'm in labor. [laughs]
Congratulations to me.
In the movies, it's like this monsoon whoosh.
[Dawn] Mh-hm. - But in real life, it can be trickles.
The water will keep coming. Don't worry about cleaning it up.
Uh, okay. No, I definitely will need to tell my boss that just 'cause...
it's fluids and there's people eating. Who knows what's in the fluid.
[Eden] I don't think this is gonna end well.
What are you? The Gordon Ramsay of my pussy?
Get out of here.
Why do you hate women?
I-- no-- - I need more chocolate mousse.
I will get that, I just-- - Thank you, bye.
I wonder what off-Broadway play he's in.
It's like he's never seen a pregnant person before.
Honestly, you're digging the vibe up here?
Don't you miss that Dominican diner? Compared to this place?
Feels a little Stepford.
[groans]
I don't know, man. Astoria misses you.
It's calling you. It's like Don, Don. Where's Don?
[coughs, groans]
Are you good, dude?
I need you to check my shit.
Oh, my God, you're in labor. [laughs] I forgot.
Okay. Move the panties, please.
Yeah get in there.
I don't know the medical term for this, but...
- Yeah? - Your pussy is opened way the fuck up.
How many centimeters would way the fuck up be?
Your vagina looks like it's yawning. Like.
[gasps] Oh my God, call an Uber.
I thought I had more time.
Fuck, I'm still hungry.
Okay, take your time.
It just comes in waves.
[groans]
[yells]
Aren't women amazing? Birth, miracle.
Enjoy your risotto.
[panting]
Eden, was that loud? - Mm-mm. - Are you sure?
- Miraculous. - I feel like everyone's looking at me.
- No, no no no, everyone's in awe. - [groans]
Thank you.
- Yeah. - Eden, tip him well.
- Will do. - Do you want some water?
Yes. I need a sip of water.
[Eden] This is amazing. The elegance.
[guzzles]
[spits] I don't need the water.
[jug clanks] Help me! Help me!
Where's the door? Get the door, open the door!
[music continues]
[screams]
Eden: And that's New York, baby!
[Liza Minelli - But the World Goes 'Round plays]
Yes! Got it! Got it!
All right. There you go. - [shouts, exhales]
Thank you so much. Thank you. - This is good, this is good.
This is good. We're almost there. Almost there.
[breathes loudly] - Almost there.
Oh, you're so good. You are doing it. You're almost there.
Fuck no, this is not good! Get me up, get me up.
And now we're standing up. Standing up. - [groans]
Good, good, good. Okay. - [panting]
You're doing so good, honey.
Standing up is no good, standing up-- Oh, no. It hurts when I stand!
Let me get on the floor.
- You don't want to do that. - Yes she does! - Shut up!
- [whines] - Okay, just do your thing.
You're doing so good, what you're doing.
It's so gross.
[Eden] Okay.
Eyes on your own paper. Scram!
[yells]
Okay. We're taking it for you.
It is so hot, it is so hot!
Alright, okay. - [cries]
Here we go.
I don't want to give birth in the lobby. [yells]
I don't want this to be my journey.
You never seen a bad bitch crawl?
[music continues]
And... Just gonna get the elevator.
Ignore me. Sorry to be in your way.
[pants] - Here we go.
[groaning]
[music drowns out dialogue]
[groaning, yelling]
[elevator dings]
Okay.
Woo! Here we go!
I need to go to the fourth floor.
Fourth floor, please. Thank you so much.
[yelling continues]
Congratulations. - Thank you.
[elevator dings]
[music continues]
[yelling]
She's gonna have your freckles. Oh my--
I am so proud of you. - Don't touch me.
Okay.
Hold my hand. [cries]
- You got it. - Great Dawn, you're doing great.
- You got this. - I'm dynamic.
You're dynamic. Tell her she's dynamic.
- [groans] - Oh, you are so strong.
Do you smell that? There's a terrible smell happening.
That's a good smell.
We can't possibly be smelling the same thing.
Oh my God. Oh my God, I feel like I have to shit.
Great. Follow it.
Just keep going. We're almost crowning.
This is what it's all about.
Crowning's one of the most beautiful things you will ever see.
Push! Come on, push! [yells]
And we're crowning.
That's my daughter's forehead.
Oh my God, is it that bad? Why does she look like that?
Did I just shit on my baby?
No. It's more like you babied on your shit.
[yells]
Be right back.
[retches]
[music stops]
I am shocked by how disgusted you were.
I mean, we literally send pictures of our poopies to each other to name.
I was shocked as well.
But I missed Tommy's birth so I was not going to miss this one.
But if you guys have a third, I might have to skip.
I think it's far more disturbing you guys text each other every dump.
We do not text ever-y dump, okay?
But Dawn is integral to all my dumps.
- Aw. - Ever since you guys left Astoria,
instead of reading on the toilet,
I just look at Dawn's share-location-dot bop around the Upper West Side.
Aw, I look at your shared-location-dot too.
Really?
This is really cute. Was it you two that just had the baby, or..?
I love when Marty is jealous of me. Yes. - I know, right?
Don't be a jellybean. - I am jealous.
[Dawn] Don't be jealous, baby.
I contributed to the IP.
You honestly contributed less to baby Melanie
than there is Cheeto dust on my fingers.
You did what you had to do... - Thank you.
...and I appreciate your service, thoughts and prayers.
Okay, okay.
But if you want me to love you
as much as I love Eden,
can you please just...
get me some sushi?
I'm tired of chips. I'm tired of cheese and skittles.
I don't want to taste the rainbow no more. I want some sushi.
I've been waiting ten months for this.
No, no, no, guys, this one's on me.
- Oh. - I'm gonna get you the works.
And you were going to have the sexiest, most gorgeous postpartum poo poo
of all time.
I'm talking about you too, Marty.
Ew.
[woman] And so, total is $457.53.
[piano music plays]
Oh, okay. No. Okay.
That's the cost of the food in these here bags.
Where's the butler, Madame? Butler! [laughs]
Cash cool?
Mh-hm.
All right. I'm not a drug dealer. [laughs]
I'm a yoga teacher. I got my own studio, in my apartment.
Okay. And there's no good guy discount? [chuckles]
[whispers] Four. - [music stops]
Oh my God. Literally precious moments.
[camera clicking]
- Uh, excuse me? - Oh. You scared me.
I know it looks creepy, but...
Is this a gorgeous family or?
I'm not a rando.
Dawn is like my sister.
Okay, but only pre-approved actual family members
can be in the room after visiting hours.
Okay, well this sushi was $500.
So do you have a fridge I could pop it in
so it doesn't go bad for them.
No, I mean, we have a fridge, but it's for, you know,
blood and organs.
[subway squealing]
Mmm.
[conductor over intercom] Closing this unit down for the holiday.
You all need to get out and transfer to the next 2.
Oh, fuck.
Okay, okay, okay. Wait, guys.
Hold up! MTA.
This was $500.
[subway beeps]
Hey.
Be nice to people.
[subway beeps]
[conductor over intercom] Sir, let the doors close, sir.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Whew! Oh, man.
Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm Eden.
Claude.
Ugh. Brutal.
My commute is usually three trains,
but with the holidays it's four.
Yeah. Me too. [sighs]
[both] 2 to the 7, to the G, to the end. [chuckling]
Uhm. [clears throat]
You like sushi?
I fucking love sushi.
[gentle piano music plays]
So where are you coming from? Prom?
No. God, no. I hated prom.
Me too.
I love the idea of dressing up in big ass outfits,
but to celebrate high school is such a waste.
Like, you know, I got neck acne and no identity.
- [laughs] - Take my picture. [laughs] - No, I totally agree.
It feels like prom should happen way later in life.
You know, for some higher purpose or something.
I love that idea.
But seriously, why are you dressed like a waiter
from the Great Depression? [laughing]
I was shooting a movie. Martin Scorsese.
Yeah, I've heard of him. - Yeah.
That guy. - What's your role?
You're gonna laugh. Uhm... - Okay.
But don't. It's, a... - Okay.
A sexy black waiter.
I'm not laughing. - Okay fine, you can laugh. - [laughs]
It was two lines.
But in exchange, I got this tux. [laughs]
[music brightens]
Mochi is like a disembodied testicle.
Just try it.
I feel like I definitely prefer mushrooms over weed.
Mm-mm.
Shrooms have been making me so paranoid lately. - Have they?
Last time I did them I freaked out that I was pregnant.
I bought dozens and dozens of pregnancy tests.
I took like, I swear to God, 30.
Oh, God.
It didn't even make sense, my paranoia, because uhm...
Okay, sorry, this is going to be TMI,
but we are on our second train.
No, that's cool. This is a safe space.
[music continues]
But I have, never been, uhm... cummed inside, rawly.
[clears throat] Sorry, I've never had unprotected sex.
Wow. - I've never had unprotected sex either.
- Are you just saying that? - I'm serious. - You're not lying?
No, I mean, I've heard great things about it.
Humanity is obsessed with unprotected sex.
I don't know, it's risky out there, man.
Diseases and shit. I get tested every month.
Oh, yeah? Same.
You don't go to the twins on 43rd, do you?
I-- I can't believe you're saying this.
- Oh my gosh. - Yes.
I would trust those guys with my life.
Honestly. - Totally.
I mean, they're literally my emergency contact.
- Oh, that's a nice two for one. - Quite the duo.
I can't believe you go to them.
[music continues]
Dad died when I was in high school.
Mom died last year. - No, I'm so sorry.
- Yeah, it's okay. - My mom died when I was three and a half.
My dad has issues, man. He is a mess.
He's, like, agoraphobic and a hoarder.
And he's kind of a deadbeat. But I'm not trying to compete.
Deadbeat dad's not as tough as a dead, dead dad.
Well, look, I think we can both agree that deadbeat, dead-dead,
they both suck. - Yeah.
[chuckling]
Oh, it's all a mess.
But I like to live with hope. Today I saw a baby be born.
What?
Covered in shit. It was life in a nutshell.
A perfect, flawless, newborn human being enveloped in its mother's shit.
[laughs] You should put that on a t-shirt.
Thank you. Thank you. - [laughs]
[baby coos]
Do you want to try just moving it, right?
Really?
You want to try it?
You want to show me how to breastfeed on your titties?
Show me how you'd breastfeed your titties.
No, you try it. No, you try it this way.
Hi, sweet baby. How are you enjoying the wonderful world, cute stuff?
Here's your creams. Witch Hazel for your labia,
Preparation H for your hemorrhoids
and super strength ibuprofen for all your other pains.
Bowel movement yet? - No, not yet.
Would you like the card of a lactation consultant?
- Yes. - No. - No.
[nurse] Okay. [Marty] I'll just hold it. But I don't want it.
And before I go, here's some diapers for you, cutie.
And some diapers for you.
[baby coos]
Come on, bubba.
- It's okay. - Come on.
Was it this hard the first time?
Like, I can't even remember.
Well, with Tommy
you had a third degree tear with four hemorrhoids.
But this time, you only have a second degree tear
with three hemorrhoids.
So you're kind of crushing it.
Aw.
You're doing great.
[train rattles]
Okay, so... what are you thankful for?
What am I thankful for?
Come on, It's our fourth train.
It's the nice part of the holiday,
If you can ignore the genocide.
I don't know, I guess I'm thankful for my Xbox.
Does that count?
[gentle piano music plays]
Yes. - Good.
- What do you play? - Street fighter.
Dude, all I do is Street Fighter. Who is your character?
Chun-Li. - That is so feminist. I love it.
I mean, powerful thighs. Unstoppable. Who's yours?
Ryu. Loyal since day one.
- Wow. - What?
Are we about to throw down?
I think I'm about to throw you down and you don't stand a chance.
[laughs]
[Claude] Wait, stop!
[Eden] No I won't.
Is this even allowed?
You mean winning?
Okay. Even with a cheat? Even with a cheat?
- No. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, sorry. I'm truly sorry... - Damn it.
...that I'm shockingly good at Street Fighter.
[music stops]
[Street Fighter character shouts]
[exhales, chuckles]
[laughing]
Do you think that we are going to have sex?
- Sex? - Yes, that.
Well, it's kind of up to us, right? We could.
We could not.
I mean, it'd be nice. How do you feel?
I feel like it would also be nice.
I have just one big wrinkle.
Or it's more like one big gelatinous clot. I am on my period.
And?
Cool.
Uhm, okay...
So then, I have an idea.
Our conversation got my wheels turning
on those no-condom feels.
You know, I have my period, so I can't get pregnant...
And I'm clean by the Twins this month.
As am I.
[sighs]
Let's go ruin a towel.
[laughing]
[A Different Life - Art Moore plays]
[music fades]
[laughing]
Oh my God.
Do you speak other languages?
Umpah.
- Umpah. - Wait.
- Cake or pie? - Definitely pie.
Yes.
Wait, does cheesecake count?
Oh, that is the only cake that may top pie.
Tell me when.
[music resumes]
Not yet. - Tell me when. - Not yet.
I studied French from seventh grade to 12th grade,
and I-- I know un per. - [laughs]
How about now? [squeals] Getting closer.
[laughing]
[music continues]
[Eden] At Fourth Floor Walk-Up Yoga,
no one's judging your ass through a window.
You're safe up here.
So as we close out this year, fuck a resolution.
Just thank yourself for the work you already did this year.
Whatever you're doing, keep doing that.
[indistinct chatter]
[music continues]
[growls]
[music fades]
Too soft.
Too hard.
[inhales sharply]
Missing. - Missing?
I think what we want to do is just really amp up your supply
so it forces its way out.
I'd like to recommend... [thud]
...a hospital grade pump.
This is the one and only Her Majesty.
I have seen Her Majesty pull milk out of the nipples of boy children.
She's that powerful.
These are going super fast from my Squarespace site:
Lactation Lesley dot com.
But I always bring an extra one for in-person clients.
Okay, I'll get it.
Don't know why we're milking boys, but--
You need it, sweetie.
[phone chimes]
Okay, I guess I'll just...
Well, I'm going to get started now, so thank you.
You can go.
[yelling from upstairs]
Oh my God. - [front door closes]
Jesus Christ. What happened to you?
I got sprayed by Tommy. - What?
He refuses to wear undies, so now he wants diapers again.
Me too. So what?
Some of it got in my mouth. - Oh.
Is it weird that I love him so much that I didn't even care?
Like it wasn't good, but it tasted cute.
Oh my God, that is the most romantic shit you have ever said.
I love you so much.
Don't ever tell anyone that story. We are getting fucking weird.
I think Tommy's jealous that we're giving Melani so much attention,
so he's regressing. - No, we have a baby.
We don't need another baby.
In fact, we had a second baby because he's not a baby anymore.
We timed it perfectly, okay?
So talk to your boy and tell him to lock it the fuck up.
I'm sure he's. gonna follow that logic.
I have to be diligent with my pumping with my low production.
I gotta... [thud]
...get to it. - [Tommy] Mommy.
Daddy. - Okay, look, wait. Just wait.
Stop stop stop, please.
No. I made Melanie with my body,
and I'm going to feed her with my body.
I just have to figure out how this thing works.
Wait a second, weren't you supposed to hang out with Eden tonight?
Yeah, but I canceled because I've got to pump.
Okay, listen, listen, listen, listen. Put that down.
Stop. - What?
I go back to work next week, which means it's going to be you and the babies
for a couple of months, and then you go back to work.
I can't wait for the day.
So please take me up on this.
Go out tonight, have fun.
Relaxing a bit will be good for production.
[crying from upstairs]
Oh my God, you're absolutely right. [laughs] I love you so much.
Bye. I'll miss you.
I'll miss you too.
Ooh! Pump and dump. - [pop music plays in background]
- Oh, and... oh. - That's good. Thank you.
[firework bangs]
Wow.
Oh! Pump and dump!
Do it. Pump it and dump it.
One more time. Pump, pump, pump it up.
Dump, dump, dump, dump, dump it out.
Mmm, that was good.
I'm typically the ghost-er, not the ghost-ee.
I just really liked him.
He even left his bow tie here and hasn't asked for it back.
Okay, you fucked a guy that owns a bow tie?
That's, uhm... charming. Do you have any shrooms?
Can you pump and dump shrooms?
I can answer that.
I'm not producing anything. So, you can't dump what's not there.
That's deep...
I think.
Shrooms, please.
New Year's, us, shrooms, please.
New year's, us... - What?
I can't say no to that.
Ow! - Aww.
Okay, I'm gonna go to my secret spot and get 'em. - Okay.
Oh, is this secret spot in Fraggle Rock where--
Ooh! Yay!
You raw dogging it?
No, actually, do you have, like, a crostini
or some butter I can saute them in?
I need a little nosh with my shrooms.
You are so classy it's insane.
Thank you.
[Doja Cat - MOOO! plays]
[Dawn] This is our big titty Ted Talk.
You're my best friends.
I work for you. I work for everyone.
We gotta feed our baby.
Moo! [echoing, distorted] Moo!
Hello, Dawn! It's your titties.
We just woke the fuck up.
Know what girl? Prepare for a flood.
Here we go!
[Apache Indian - Boom Shack-A-Lack plays]
Oh shit! Eden! Here we go!
Woo! Get me a bottle.
Okay, got it.
Woo! It's coming!
Bitch, I'm a cow!
You see this? Woo!
Yes! Yes. What?
Melanie, I'm coming home baby! I'm coming home!
[groans] Ow!
Not again...
Whoa! Oh, God.
Come on, shrooms. Chill.
You are some silly Simon.
- [baby screams] - Oh...
I am not pregnant. Come on, shrooms.
Ooh.
[lid pops] - [blows]
Am I over a toilet? - Completely.
[urine swooshing]
[singing] Okay, okay.
Shall we make ice cream?
Fuck! - [lid pops]
[blows]
[urine swooshing] - Ooh!
I feel like I could just breastfeed the Knicks.
Dawn, uh...
Crisis.
Not in a sexual way, but...
...also in a sexual way.
Line's positive.
Pregnant.
I feel this!
[music stops]
Oh, God.
Okay. I'm thinking maybe, just maybe,
I am a pregnant person.
I'm 28 for 28. I could do a 29th?
Yeah, no.
You are clearly pregnant. - Okay...
I-- I don't know how this could have happened.
I've had sex once since my last period, but I was on my period.
- So? - So you can't get pregnant on your period.
Girl. - Girl? - Girl.
- Girl. [clears throat] - Girl - Girl.
Yes you can.
Girl, stop!
Girl, you stop. We went to the same school. We learned the same shit.
Come on. No you can't.
Ma'am, I'm a doctor.
You are a dentist.
You're a whore.
[laughs] True.
You're a whore. You're a flexible whore.
Better believe.
Maybe it's someone else?
No, Claude is the only person it could be.
I don't even know his last name.
Maybe y'all got some mutual people you know in common?
Oh, I don't think we do, but uhm...
Actually.
[both] Hey! Eden! [Eden] Hey, how are ya?
Long time no see. So, what are we doing today?
Left arm, right arm?
Uhm, actually, I am not here to get tested.
I am here to ask about another patient.
LOL. His name is Claude.
[inhales sharply] Ooh, okay uh...
Yeah. We can't talk about other patients.
I'm not sure if you're familiar with HIPAA.
It's against the rules. - HIPAA. - HIPAA.
- Familiar with HIPAA? - HIPAA, oh yeah.
- We can't-- - Hope, HIPAA.
I got a tip up for ya.
It's that HIPAA.
Ooh, you hit the HIPAA? - You hit the HIPAA. - He's hit the HIPAA.
Hungry, hungry HIPAA.
It's the H, the I, the P, the P the A, the H, the I, the P.
Is HIPAA.
Totally respect. - Mh-hm.
But the thing is I am...
pregnant with Claude's fetus.
[fake laughs]
I can't get him on the phone. I don't know his last name.
You know how it is because you test people who fuck a lot.
Uhm... he was just in a Scorsese movie.
Do you know him? - Yeah, yeah.
We-- we know exactly who you're talking about.
He's beautiful, man. - Mm.
Kind-- kind eyes. He has kind eyes.
But here's the thing about him, though. Uh...
He died. [exhales]
He died. He's dead.
What?
That was very poorly done. - What do you mean?
Bro, I mean, the other thing about him?
- It's hard news to break. - Right.
When? How?
[sighs] It was the day after Thanksgiving.
Freak accident. He choked on an almond.
We were really surprised to get the call,
but also felt honored that he saw us
as emergency contact level dudes.
He knows. Pretty cool. - Right.
Did he die alone?
Yes he-- yes he did. He died alone.
There wasn't anyone there to deliver the Heimlich.
Yeah. It's perilous to live alone.
One of the many reasons I love living with this guy.
- Right. - We give each other the Heimlich all the time.
- All the time. - Yeah.
We had thin throats growing up.
I mean, we have thin throats now.
We were born premature, so... - Yeah.
- And we eat too fucking fast. - Too fast.
Me too.
Holy shit. I'm pregnant with a dead man's baby?
I mean, I wouldn't say that... I mean, he was alive when you fucked him.
He was alive. He was alive when you...
But he is fucking currently.
Well, yeah. - Yeah.
- He's gone. - Yeah, yeah.
- He's dead. - Yeah.
[sighs]
[enthusiastically] Single mom.
She may not keep the baby. Choice.
Oh, right. Right.
[enthusiastically] Single...
[Kevin Morby - Nothing Sacred / All Things Wild plays]
[music fades]
[subway squeaks]
I do think that the subway sounds like
the Gregorian chants from like the 1500s. [subway squeals]
That's weird.
[singing high notes]
There it goes again. There it is.
[music resumes]
[music fades]
So you're sure that's a fetus
and not like my spleen got loose and is floating around?
I am as certain as I am that this combover is no longer working for me,
and I need a new idea.
Mmm.
I can't believe I got pregnant on my period.
I thought that was impossible. - It's not likely, but possible.
Does the fetus look healthy? Because I didn't know I was pregnant
and I've had [exhales] weed, shrooms, alcohol,
sushi, coffee and unpasteurized cheese.
Well, if you decide to continue with the pregnancy,
all of that has to stop.
But the fetus looks great.
We should do some genetic testing to make sure
there aren't any big red flags.
Jewish people carry certain diseases.
How did you know I was Jewish?
You put J on the form. - Oh, I filled it out. Yeah.
Okay. Do you only do minority stuff?
Certain ethnicities carry certain genetic diseases.
So genetic testing is necessarily racist.
It's true. Doctor Morris wanted to test me for sickle cell,
and I was offended.
Well, you called me a white devil.
But turns out I'm a carrier, so this white devil knows what he's talking about.
So we don't have the father's DNA?
No. - Okay, well we have your DNA,
so you can schedule a screening with the Quest,
and you can have the results on your phone in a jiff.
Okay. Guess I'll go swab up some Jew cells.
[vacuum whirs]
Hey big boy, you wanna help Mama clean?
Okay.
Oh come on, I have refreshed this app so many times
my phone is starting to get hot.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.
Honestly? Honestly, you wouldn't judge me if I got an abortion?
Even if the baby's healthy? - Absolutely not.
Look, you got to think about yourself, Eden, okay?
This is all about your choice and what's good for you.
Oh, the results are in,
It says no red flags. And...
It's all good.
Listen. It's okay.
I have your back, no matter what.
Truly, truly, truly, you will be there for me
every step of the way, no matter what choice I make?
I need to know that.
[Melanie crying]
Yes.
Okay.
I am going to have...
A baby. [laughs] I'm going to have the baby.
Mom? Yeah. [laughs]
[sighs] Okay. - Yes. I'm going to be a mother.
I'm going to be a mommy, I like that.
Okay, mamacita. No, that's appropriation.
[claps] Okay, I'm having a baby.
Okay? Yes, dog.
Yeah. It just feels like destiny.
And this is Destiny's Child. [laughs] Can you believe that?
Did you hear that, Destiny's Child?
Oh! Jumpin', jumpin'.
Whoa. Okay. It's on.
Eden. Are you sure about this?
Because the hormones can be pretty intense--
Hormones? LOL.
Mitch McConnell, uhm, I love you. What?
Eden, I just want to--
I'm just trying to say-- What I'm-- I'm just.
Dawn, you think I can do this. Right?
[Melanie crying]
[Marty] Mama! Melanie's waiting for you.
- Yeah. - Yes!
- Yeah. - Yeah.
[Marty] Mommy, really.
- Yes. - Yes.
[Le Tigre - My My Metrocard plays]
[Eden on phone] You did not tell me how sexy it is to be pregnant.
Were you crazy horny?
It comes out of nowhere.
[Dawn] I honestly can't even remember.
Hey.
[groans]
[sighs]
[Eden on phone] But girl, you been to the grocery store lately?
That produce is teasing us.
Two orgasms are better than one. [laughs]
[music stops]
She's here, she's here.
Nanny Dani is here.
Oh, thank God. [chuckles]
You had just moved here
and I went to the new playground with Tommy.
Everyone was so fancy up there.
One fancy couple liked how I played with Tommy
and want me to go and work for them,
and I say I can't.
I work for Marty and Dawn, but they asked me, just babysit one night.
And I said, okay.
When fancy parents came back, they offered me fancy drinks and fancy desserts.
One fancy thing led to another and they offered me a full time job.
And I said yes.
- Whore. - You don't mean that. She doesn't mean that.
[laughs] You're not that. - [exhales]
[Eden] Do you have any advice for me as an upcoming black parent?
No, because you're not a black parent.
You're going to be a white parent of a half black child.
Yes. Excellent note.
[door opens] - Hey, how's everything going?
Pregnancy wise, I'm killing it.
I don't have morning sickness, but I do have morning horniness.
Afternoon and night as well.
Well, that is wonderful.
This-- [growls] Just don't look at it. It's just way out of hand.
Okay, well, I read that it's good
to have a birth plan, and I read some basic ones,
and they are just so sterile.
I mean, all they talk about is medicine and apparatuses.
I'm like, cool?
I want this birth to be original,
one that celebrates humanity.
I'm thinking less in clinical terms
and more along the line of theme.
And the theme of my birth will be, drumroll please, Doctor Morris.
[sighs]
Prom.
Prom sucked for me, Claude hated it too.
A person, giving birth should be the prom of life.
That's when the pageantry is truly deserved.
So welcome to... Eden's prom birth extravaganza.
[laughs]
I've already started building a epic Spotify playlist.
Okay, I'll, I'll read this when I have a chance to really take it in.
Actually, that's the only hard copy I have,
so I will email you guys PDFs.
[tranquil music plays]
And now guys we're going to gently go into downward dog, okay?
[clears throat]
[swallows loudly]
[gasps]
[groans]
Let's go into upward dog.
[people breathing heavily]
[vomit swirls]
[swallows]
[chokes]
[clears throat]
[swallows]
[exhales]
[grunts]
[exhales]
[music stops]
Oh, it is scorching out here.
What? It's 61 and beautiful. You are scorching.
Oh, man. It feels like the surface of the sun.
God, I am flying through underwear.
Oh, yeah, the random vagina waters.
It's not piss, it's not sweat. It's just like a--
A proper mix, like... like salad dressing.
[exhales]
You sure you gonna be okay to babysit?
Oh, yeah. Of course.
You and Marty deserve a date night.
[burping]
Never treble burped before.
You look good, though, bitch. Let's go.
[electro music plays]
Yes. Oh, are you crowning?
We don't know, but you got a crown on.
[camera clicking]
I don't know if you're giving me Little Kim or Rachel Dolezal,
but I'm here for it.
Give me, 'Oops. Did I just have the last donut?'
What?
Give me shy whore. You know how to do it.
[camera clicking continues]
[seductively] Hi.
[music stops]
Babe, we got to go to dinner.
[Dawn] I'm in the zone, Marty.
Why is she wearing a mosquito net?
That's fine.
[Tommy coos]
Jesus Christ, [laughs] you scared me, Tommy.
[tense TV music plays in background]
[sighs] Okay, I'm not your mommy or your daddy.
I've always considered us friends.
So as a friend, what is going on with the baby thing?
I don't know, it's fun.
It's fun.
I hear that, but I don't know.
To me, being a baby looks like it sucks.
Like if you were a big boy, I'd ask you to watch this with me.
It's an R-rated movie.
It's called The Omen. It's about a boy like you.
- Is he a big boy or a baby? - He's actually the devil.
Woo? [laughs]
What's the devil?
Okay, let's just watch. No more spoilers.
But if I let you watch, you cannot tell your parents, okay?
And you're going to stop acting like a baby.
Deal?
Deal. - Okay.
He a big boy.
Oh, with a paci, but...
It 's a start.
[explosion]
[screams]
Whoa! That was intense.
[Dawn] It's your tone. [Marty] I have no tone.
- That's the tone I'm-- - Shh!
[door closes]
Hey. He uh... couldn't sleep.
It's okay. All right, buddy, let's go.
[whispering] Let's go upstairs. Come on, Tommy.
Come on. [grunts] There we go.
[Tommy whines]
Oh, we're still doing the paci? Okay.
You got it? All right. Say good night to Eden.
Oh, what a good dada.
Dada can go fuck himself. - Totally.
The whole night, he was just going on and on
and on about my low milk production.
I mean, he even said I should quit because I'm stressed
and that I should feel more confident
and I should feel good about myself.
And he said I was beautiful. - That sucks.
When you hear that from somebody who love and supports you.
It's the worst. He's such a know it all.
Are you guys having sexual intercourse?
No. Not since Melanie was born.
That makes sense. That makes a ton of sense.
It's not like I don't want to, I do.
Did you see him in that sweater?
He looks good.
What parent wears white clothing? [laughs] It's wild.
But there's never a time because we're so busy and have so many things to do.
And he's always holding a kid, which is really hot.
But you can't just knock the kid out of his hand and sit on his dick.
That's not how life works. [alarm beeping]
God, gotta go milk the donuts.
Here we go again.
All right, I'm going to ask you something.
How many feedings are you getting in
with your titty milk for Melanie in a day.
Like, one day?
You know how the earth spins on an axis?
I know how it works, yeah, a day.
So, I would say one-ish
Bitch.
- Bitch. - Mm-mm bitch.
- Bitch. - Bitch. - Biatche.
- Bitch. - Bitch. - Bitch.
- The stories you tell yourself, bitch.
- Bitch. - Bah bah bah bitch. - Bitch.
Come on, dude, why are you doing it?
I just...
I just want that feeling of nourishing.
[fake laughs]
You want to nourish? I laugh at that.
All you do is nourish.
You nourish Melanie, you nourish Tommy,
you nourish Marty, you nourish me,
you nourish the fucking mail carrier.
You nourish the bodega guy, you walk in a room, you're sunshine.
You're giving light, warmth, energy without even trying.
All you do is nourish.
You're-- You're a night time cruise buffet of nourish.
Enough.
[exhales]
Okay, uhm... Wow. [sighs]
You know, honestly, I could use a little break
because my nipples, they look like, uhm...
Have you ever seen a sausage, but not in the casing?
That's what my nipples look like.
They look like a melted Tootsie roll,
just a very long, brown, skinny, sugary sweet.
Ew? Mm. [chuckles]
Sometimes I feel like getting my nipple in my bra
is like figuring out how to fold a fitted sheet.
There's just so many corners.
[sharply inhales] Something to look forward to.
It's just, I don't want to be a quitter.
You don't have to go out on breastfeeding
with your tail between your legs.
You can fucking attack.
[Shania Twain - Man! I Feel Like A Woman plays!]
[pot smashes]
I love that flower pot. - Oh, sorry.
But I also love that.
[box thuds]
[mildly] Ooh.
Come on. Is it the espadrilles?
[mildly] Ha!
No, Dawn, I want to see you destroy.
Everything about our bodies is wrong.
You get a complex that you're not enough,
so here it is. What are you going to do?
Okay, uhm... Yeah.
You made me feel like I suck, and I know I don't suck.
You don't suck shit!
Oh, God, I think I peed a little.
That's right. - You want to pump some more? - That's right.
- You wanna pump some more? - Get him, Tony!
- Do you wanna pump some more? - Get him Tony!
- Do you want to pump some more? - Get him Tony!
What's that? What's that, you finicky little bitch?
Oh, you want me to light you on fire?
No problem. - [cracks]
Help me up.
- [claps] - [match strikes]
[fire roars]
[music continues]
[music stops]
[traffic hums]
So make sure that Tommy wears his big boy undies
and that he sits on the potty. He won't like it, but definitely--
I understand, I will do my best.
Uhm... God, what else was I gonna say?
It's been so long since I've been back to work.
I'm just, uhm--
Don't worry, I've got this. I'm from East New York.
I raised, like, 438 kids. [laughs]
Okay, great. I'm gonna get going then.
Go start your work life.
I'm gonna start my work life. Thank you.
What are you, like, the Puerto Rican Brene Brown?
Dominican, but it's okay, my husband's Boricua.
[laughing]
[uplifting music plays]
[female voice] Welcome back, kiddo!
[cheering]
Hi honey!
Look at you. - Look at me.
Your timing is perfect. I just heard back.
You're one of the finalists for the Invisalign campaign.
Oh, my God, that's amazing.
They're down to three.
Oh that's great.
That is so great. We could really use the extra money.
I always dreamed I'd be one of those nine out of ten
dentists agree spokespeople for commercials.
But I just never had the chin for TV.
You have it.
[scoffs] You know what?
You have a shot because you are good looking for a dentist.
I think this was a compliment, right?
And I have found in my experience,
good looking dentists are serial killers,
but not you.
Fingers crossed. I'm going to keep you posted on this one, okay?
Thanks.
Welcome back. Come on, come on everybody.
[cheering]
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, Tommy. Just coming to check.
Did you put on your big boy undies?
[sinister sting]
- [whispering voices] - [doors slamming]
- [baby giggling] - [gasps]
[sinister sting]
[prays in Spanish]
[rising sting]
[screaming]
[cracker crunching]
[heaves]
[swallows] Ah...
[phone vibrates]
[sighs]
[Dawn on phone] Babe, I am so sorry, but I can't make the amnio.
Our new nanny just quit.
I didn't know Satan worship was a part of regression for a child,
but I got to get the fuck home.
He drew six six sixes and upside down crosses all over his room.
He hissed at her in tongues.
Uh, anyways, I'm so sorry. Good luck, Boo!
[somber music plays]
[sharply inhales]
[exhales]
Hey Dad. It's [clears throat] Eden, your grown daughter.
Uhm, I just wanted to let you know that I'm having a baby.
And I have a really big appointment today. Amniocentesis.
I know you don't like tall buildings
or-- or small buildings [laughs] or hospitals,
but I was just curious if you might want to come.
I can text you the details. I know, I know, it's last minute.
Either way, though, congratulations.
You're--you're going to be a grandpa, so...
Yeah. Okay.
Bye.
[music continues]
[sighs]
[music fades]
[sonogram whirs]
Woah. - Looking good.
Fantastic head shape.
Hey, speaking of head shape, what do you think?
You know, with the shaved.
[heaves]
It's nice.
It's terrible, but I appreciate it.
[chair buzzes]
Do you want to know the sex? - No, thank you.
I don't want to put a binary on them right now,
but I feel like I know. Maternal intuition.
It is a male spirit. - Uh-huh.
How wild is it to have a vagina and be growing a penis?
I have a baby dick inside of me? What?
Yeah. I never thought of that.
Little fetus penis. That almost rhymes.
But I don't want to know formally,
because I want Dawn here for that.
And I'm pretty sure she'd want to be here for that, too.
Just to toss it out...
You might want to hire a doula just in case Dawn's too busy
with, you know, her family.
Wait, what? Say it again.
Well, Dawn might be too busy with her family, you know, given the schedule.
[laughs] No, no, no. Dawn and I are family.
We are sisters. - Uh-huh. - Spouses.
Parents to each other at times.
So I just hear you, thank you, but no thank you.
So, uhm...
Amnio time. You ready? It's a pretty big needle.
[exhales] Yes. Just don't stab my baby's dick.
I'm going to be more worried about the head.
Both are precious.
[sonogram whirs]
It's a good sized pocket.
Thank you. - [gasps]
Oh, what? - I told you it was big.
That's not big. That's-- that's LOL.
What are we--
That's for my--
- Yeah. - Cool.
No. Cool. - Okay, you ready? - Mh-hm.
- Okay. - Mh-hm. [inhales sharply]
All right.
[screams]
No no no no no no no no no. Just stop.
Just give me a sec. Just give me a sec.
[inhales sharply]
Wow, you are such a big man. You need that needle.
It does-- You're double my size.
What do you need this needle for?
It does eventually have to go inside to get the fluid.
That needle's nuts!
Okay, what about a blindfold?
How about that?
We don't blindfold our patients, it's-- it's unethical.
Okay, how about a gag? Hm?
No gags, no blindfolds.
We don't do medicine that way. It'll be fine.
[exhales]
You won't even feel it. - Okay, okay.
Okay? Good.
Doctor Morris. [exhales]
- Good, good, good. - Je trust.
- Okay. - [sonogram whirs]
[screams] No, no!
[sighs] - Mm-mm No. Sorry.
I wasn't even close.
Mm, I was ready, but I-- [chuckles]
Okay. - Okay, okay.
Okay. - I'll gag you.
Ah...
Now don't tell anyone.
[arguing outside]
[exhales]
[Doctor Morris] Perfect.
[Eden] Oh, Jesus.
[female voice] Sorry Doctor Morris!
This is my dad. [Doctor Morris] Oh.
What are you doing to my kid, man?
You could come in and just-- just take a seat.
- Okay. - Hi.
[Dad] How you doing?
Ready? [Eden] Mh-hm.
[sonogram whirs]
Okay, there it is.
[Dad screams]
Sorry. I'm sorry.
Keep going, keep going, keep going.
[exhales] Sorry. I'm sorry, honey.
[traffic hum] [birds chirping]
If this isn't good-- - No, no, no.
It's great, it's great, it's fantastic.
[sighs]
So who's the uhm... Who's the dad?
This guy Claude.
He reminds me of Mom, actually, from what you've described.
Where the fuck is he?
He died.
Oh wow.
He is like Mom.
[laughs]
Shit.
Yeah. - Honey, I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
Does he have any family?
Not really. It's just small like ours.
Not a lot left.
I tracked down his closest relative who got his ashes.
It was his second cousin, and we zoomed.
I thought it was going to be this mind blowing moment,
but it definitely just creeped her out.
W-- were you together long?
No, not-- not long.
But I don't know, I don't know...
It was an important connection.
A real connection.
Connection?
It can't be measured in time, you know?
Grammy and grandpa were together for 50 years.
They hated each other's guts.
[laughs]
And I know, myself, I've not been the best parent, perhaps, in the world.
But maybe one of the perks of being a bad dad is that, I don't know...
You turned out so good. So, so strong, so resourceful.
So you think if you were a good dad, I'd be a worse person?
Exactly. That's exactly what I mean. - [laughs]
I mean, there's all kinds of great dads out there with shitty kids, right?
That's true. That's really true.
If a guy like me, right, with the scant crumbs of parenting that I put forth,
can call somebody as sensational as you are his daughter,
Well, you got this.
You can do this.
Thanks, Dad. - [soft piano music plays]
Look, honey, I know this should be, like, a great time
for this to turn into a Nora Ephron movie, you know?
And I come to all your appointments and stuff,
but I'm sorry, honey, I just can't, I won't. It's not going to happen.
You know, just sitting here, I just start to feel.
I'm just-- My heart's racing. It's just not good.
I don't feel good. You know, - I feel you.
It's okay. This...
This was good. I got a lot out of this crumb.
No, it-- it sucks.
But I want you to know that I would really love to meet your baby someday.
Okay? But I gotta go-- I gotta go now. I'm sorry.
Thanks, Dad. - Okay.
[exhales]
[sighs]
[birds chirping]
[music fades]
I missed the Invisalign meeting.
They're going to go with someone else and we need that money.
[Marty] Okay, but I can't take time off work like you.
Just give it a couple more weeks, we'll find another Nanny.
Guys. Hey, guys.
Hey. I got your message.
I was just in the area after my appointment
and saw your share location was here.
Used my keys. Hey. [chuckles] So, uh, yeah.
Good news from the appointment is my, appetite's coming back?
[laughs]
So, uhm, 'sup?
[chip crunching]
Uhm... [claps]
My amnio was pretty good,
but Doctor Morris was just like, "Where's Dawn?"
And I didn't know what to say. He was kind of pissed and sad.
Just because you said you were going to be at all the appointments.
So just maybe you shouldn't miss more.
Our children were almost abandoned
because you decide to show Tommy The Omen.
He just demon-ed our nanny right out of our house.
Whoa! He told you? We had a deal.
We, you know, pinky-sweared out or whatever,
but that's their language at that point.
He's four going on one.
He's not beholden to pinky swears, Eden.
I'm so sorry.
I was trying to do a nice thing, and it backfired.
And I'll...
I'll go.
Okay, I'll see ya.
Okay, one last thing. - Oh my God.
Doctor Morris was just like, "Maybe you should get a doula."
And I was like, "What? What are you talking about?"
"I don't think Dawn's going to miss more."
So should I even consider getting a doula?
Yeah.
I think you should get a doula because we have no childcare.
Get a doula.
Got it. Okay, I'm going to get a doula.
Just get a back up doula. Not a definite doula.
I'm going to get a doula back up. Not a doula definite.
No. You should get a doula as a definite.
Definitely get yourself a doula
I-- I-- I got it.
Sorry about that. All right.
I'll uh... [keys rattle]
You can have the chips.
[quirky music plays]
Why does she still have a key? - I don't know.
[both] Same. [laughing]
Crazy. Your face, your resume, your vibe.
We are very similar.
I think you're gonna find that all doulas are super similar to you, dude.
You should just be a doula. [laughing]
Thank you.
I'm looking for a backup Dawn, and she's like a foil,
whereas you're like a-- [both] Saran wrap.
You know-- - I know what you mean. [laughing]
I'm going to have to pass.
[music continues]
[chuckles]
[exhales]
Okay. You can go.
Why am I a doula as a man? Simple.
I just want to honor the female body.
Get out!
I'm sorry. I know it sounds creepy, but it's true.
I really mean it.
[sighs] Let me hear it one more time.
I want to honor the female body.
I'm sorry.
Maybe I'm backwards. but when you say that I get sick.
That's your journey.
Okay, don't say journey.
Get out of here.
Your name? Dragana.
What does that mean, a female dragon?
No.
I figured. I was just joking.
So what's your experience level?
40 years doula, 40 years wet nurse.
You've been a wet nurse for 40 years?
Lactating every day since 16.
[gasps]
[claps] Hallelujah.
I mean, people don't even know about the phenomenon of wet nursing,
keeping milk pumping through your titties to feed other people's babies.
I love this, this electricity.
You're the one. You're back up, Dawn.
Okay.
[music stops]
Tommy.
You gonna be good to Blanche?
Blanche, you're not afraid of witches or anything like that?
Demons, chupacabras?
[Dawn] You can say so. - No? - No judgment. [laughs]
You're locked in. You are locked in.
Bye. You guys.
Bye. Love you so much.
[Marty] The good times are here.
[Tommy whines]
[soft music plays]
[Marty] Tommy, be good.
[Dawn] Love you so much. - See ya!
[high fives, kisses]
[Tommy] Mom! [hitting door]
Mom! Mommy!
Mommy! Mom!
[singing] Happy Birthday, dear Daddy
[singing] Happy Birthday to you
[blows]
[biting sounds]
[Marty] The monsters are gonna be faster than the humans.
[biting sounds]
[laughs]
[music fades]
[door opens] [Doctor Morris] Dawn!
Good to see you. Been a while.
Yeah, you too.
I've been swamped.
Work and kids and work and kids.
It was also Marty's birthday weekend. No big deal.
More work, more kids.
But I took the day off to sort of break it up to be here. So, yeah.
I am so grateful to have you back.
I'm running on fumes. - Oh yeah, the end.
Yeah, so close but so far. And it only gets worse from here. [laughs]
My wife and I had a babymoon little trip,
before the baby was born to celebrate.
Because you don't have time after, right? - That's right.
It's the last time I had hair.
And truthfully, a wife.
Oh.
Oh no, she's not dead. She just hates bald guys.
Tried to fix it with these stupid plugs,
but now I look like a fucking monster. [laughs]
No, you're wearing plugs? I had zero clue.
Same. They look natural.
Very, like, I want to run my finger in that.
Thank you. Still, a babymoon is a good idea.
That is a really good idea. I just uhm...
It would be so weird and sad to go alone. [laughs]
I would go with you. - What?
Yeah I-- I really need this-- to do for you.
I want to do this for you.
You're a good doctor.
[pop music plays]
Whoo! All right!
Mama's ready to let her hair down and take her tits out.
I'm free. Oh my God. - [dance music plays]
Oh, my God, I haven't been on a bridge in a while. [gags]
When I say baby, you say moon, baby...
- Moon. - Baby... - Moon.
Babymoon, here we go.
Okay, I'm just gonna lay back.
Woo!
[tranquil music plays]
[exhales]
[woman] Welcome, champagne?
[man] Hi, I'll take these. [Dawn] Thank you.
- Hi. Oh, sorry, I'm pregnant. - Okay.
So, do you have anything that's non-alcoholic?
Yeah. Of course. Here you go.
Oh, actually, is this one of those flowers you can eat?
Like, one of those fun, edible flowers or just a...
big dumb flower you plopped in the water. [chuckles]
I don't know, these are just the flowers
we have here in all the water.
Well, I'll pass.
Okay, of course. No problem.
Congrats, by the way.
Oh, thank you. - Yeah.
[folk music plays]
[Dawn] ...out of this world. [Eden] Whoo! - Okay!
Yes, I'm getting country, I'm getting city.
I'm just feeling wealthy.
Oh, hey! Oh, ho!
Oh my God, look at this bed. - Yes.
Look at you. - So Japanese and so Feng Shui.
Get on here. It's so comfortable. Try it.
Oh my goodness.
Oh, and there's free wine.
Ohh...
That is-- sounds good.
Okay.
It's a cab sauv.
My favorite. - Ohh.
I'm gonna go wash my poon because she is feeling dank.
Ohh. - Comfy, right? - Yes.
Bitch, it's a babymoon.
[chuckles] Whoo!
Ah, I don't...
Oh, okay. That... that did help.
Okay.
Ah!
[clears throat]
[exhales]
[tranquil music plays]
Welcome. Dawn on this table, other guest on this one.
Please undress and get settled, and we'll be back in a moment.
[Dawn] Thank you.
Okay. Can you lay on your stomach, please?
Oh. No, I'm-- I'm pregnant.
Okay.
There is a button to click if you are pregnant.
Just so we can get a special trained person for you.
Did you click it? - I didn't book it.
She did. Dawn, did you click a pregnant button?
[Dawn] Oh, so good already right there.
[whispering] Okay, so... what. should we do?
I don't know, I've never worked on a pregnant person before,
so I just don't want to do something wrong.
I guess I have this fear that I will tweak a nerve
of yours, and then the blood flow gets cut off and the baby drops dead.
Jesus.
Very dark. Yeah, we don't want to do that.
I don't want to waste your money or your time.
So let me just think of something else I could do for you, okay?
[Dawn moaning] Oh, yeah.
How about a nice foot massage?
I don't think I could kill your baby through your feet.
You know what?
A foot massage sounds good, but could we, pump the brakes
on the baby killing verbiage?
No more of that. Now, let's get going on those feet, okay?
Okay.
[whimsical music plays]
[chuckles]
[Dawn] Oh, yeah.
So good.
Could you go a little firmer?
It feels like a bug is crawling on my feet.
I just don't want to press too hard because...
Well, you don't want me to say.
When you say you don't want me to say, I know what you mean.
So it still kills the vibe.
Could you give me any pressure, please?
Okay.
[Dawn moaning] Oh, it's so good.
Oh, your hands are magic.
[crickets chirping]
[music fades]
[silverware clinks]
Ooh, sorry it took so long, honey.
I washed my hands, like, 50 times. The soap is so good.
Smell. It's a jelly.
Okay? I can't eat anything right now.
I would eat those hands.
So good. I took some to take home.
I was just gonna ask you how the house is feeling now.
A little while in.
Are you guys still thinking of making the basement an Airbnb?
Ugh, the quote from the contractor was crazy,
so we don't even know if it's worth it.
Okay, so I-- I had an idea.
[waitress] Wine plate for you. - Thank you.
- Water for you, flower on the side. - Thank you so much.
Mmm. You know what? Excuse me.
Can I get another flight? - Yes, ma'am.
Thank you. Just making a round trip. [laughs]
[groans]
Ooh. [slurps]
That is delicious. Ooh.
[slurps]
Oh, it's a little buttery.
[slurps]
Ahh.
So, you said you had an idea. What is it?
Maybe not while you're drunk.
It's a little more serious. - [laughs] I'm not drunk.
I'm just relaxed, I'm having fun.
I'm a little tipsy.
[sighs] Okay, okay.
Well, I was thinking, what about instead of an Airbnb,
me and my baby moved in.
Are you serious? - Yeah I am.
Can't you picture it?
You guys upstairs and me and my baby downstairs.
Just around.
You know, we just would never have to say goodbye.
We would have that casual see you later vibes.
I-- just going through this, I would love that comfort.
And, come on, we always dreamed of living like that.
Girl, we dreamed about that shit when we were 11.
We were children.
We're grown ups now, adults.
That's not realistic. Okay?
Okay.
But we never dreamed at any age
of taking four trains for two hours
to hang out for 45 minutes where you're pretty bitchy and not fun the whole time.
Can I be honest with you?
I am exhausted.
Exhausted actually doesn't even cover it.
I-- I did this to myself.
I'm mind fucked myself.
Because when your first kid gets a little older,
you think, "Wow, this isn't so bad. I could do this again."
And like a fucking lunatic, you have a second child
thinking that shit's going to be easier.
And it's not.
The first year with your second child is a special kind of hell.
It is vicious, relentless.
An endless loop of other people's needs.
Which is why me and the basement would be chill.
Chill?
You think this would be chill? In my already suffocating, storm of shit fire.
You decided to have a baby with a random fucking stranger.
Whoa. Hurtful dude.
Claude really meant something to me.
And I know all this may be weird,
and do I wish I was normal?
Do I wish I could live in boring, predictable bliss?
Of course I do, but I'm not.
I had something special with this one person.
So here we are.
And sure, I'm scared of the decision I made.
I feel, like, a lion is chasing me scared.
But I know that we can handle anything together,
and we wouldn't even have to be having this conversation
if you didn't just up and move to the Upper West Side without even consulting me.
Oh my God, I do not have to consult you.
Adults don't plan their lives around their best friends.
Jesus Christ Eden, with the 11 year old dreams and the birth prom plan.
You live like a child.
Have you even started to prep baby stuff in your house?
Or are you just waiting for me to do it?
No, you know what you're waiting for?
You want to move into my house and mooch off of my family?
Fuck you.
Best friends are so fucked over in adulthood.
If we don't couple ourselves off, we are fucked.
Not everybody's made up like that.
I've known you twice as long as Marty.
And a lifetime longer than Tommy and Melanie's brand new ass.
What? Just because we're not blood related, we're not family?
That's bullshit. You and me, we're family.
[crickets chirping]
We're family.
I have a family.
[somber music plays]
Listen. And I say this for your own good.
Rather than living together and becoming too reliant on each other,
I think it's good for us to take some space, gain our independence.
We can just focus on our families.
I can focus on mine, you can focus on yours.
I really do think this will be for the best.
Yeah, I think it will be fucking great.
[music fades]
[car hums]
[exhales]
[machine whirring]
[mellow music plays]
Marty?
Marty? [coughs]
[Marty] We're in the kitchen.
[coughs]
What was that?
What is going on?
What is that smell?
I tried to get Tommy on the potty again.
We flushed, and then the pipes backed up and everything exploded.
[music fades]
Tommy's never getting back on the potty.
Neither will I.
[plastic rustles]
So, I figured out what happened.
There was a clog in an old original pipe.
I'm talking about a 200 year old clog here.
Centuries of new shit just piling up on old shit and just pushing that shit.
Almost like new shit was shitting out the old shit.
And I mean, like, Revolutionary War dook, man.
It's like New Amsterdam, Arakaka.
And suddenly it all went pop!
[gags]
That's the nightmare we're all smelling up our noses right now.
We see it all the time.
You see this all the time?
Our home is a functional sewer.
In New York, constantly.
There's a brownstone joke there to make.
Some plumbers do, but I don't.
I've given my whole fucking life to fighting stench.
Okay. Thank you for your service.
Can you please not touch that? - Nice counter.
[pipes glug]
[muffled] Oh my God.
[coughs]
Oh, my-- [retches]
[Marty] Okay. I'll be right there. Thank you.
[stairs creak]
Whoa! You okay?
Okay, am I okay?
Our house oozes of civil war, racist dumps.
It smells like Thomas Jefferson's colon,
A-- and you want to know if I'm okay?
No, I'm not okay. All right?
I just can't take it anymore.
What can't you take? - It!
What is it?
I don't know what it is.
And that's part of the problem too. I can't pinpoint what it is.
I just know that I can't take it.
I just feel like I have it all and nothing at once.
I couldn't wait to get back to work,
but then at work, I missed the kids
and I feel like a bad parent because I'm not with them.
And when I'm home, I don't want to fucking be here.
I want to be motherfucking free and...
And I'm-- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being in such a bad mood all the time.
You're doing so good.
Just trying to hold it together for me
and the kids, and always in a good mood,
and always cleaning and never complaining about all the shitty diapers.
So... I just want to say thank you for that.
I'm sorry I'm such a bummer.
[sighs]
It's okay.
I understand.
You do?
You know sometimes when I'm alone,
I'll just scream for three or four seconds.
And it helps.
I don't know what it helps, but it helps.
It's so weird because...
I hate work.
But I can't be home all day. And then I feel guilty,
and I'm with the kids and I love the kids,
but they're fucking exhausting.
And then I go back to work and nobody gives a fuck.
Best case scenario, I work my entire life.
And then I die while the kids are healthy and happy.
That's the pinnacle.
Death followed by mild relief.
We are so fucked.
I am so glad to be so fucking fucked with you though.
[emotional music plays]
[moaning]
[Marty] Come on.
Wait.
Throw this on the floor.
- Take this off. - Okay, let's do it.
Okay, I'm gonna take it off.
[door buzzes]
[Eden singing]
Threw me for a loop, my packages.
[jolly music plays]
[box cracks]
Okay.
This is what all that...
practice is for. - [phone vibrates]
Okay, guys.
[sighs]
Don't have to do total no talking.
Pretty normal, successful bitch.
I love her so much.
Okay, guys.
I'm gonna have to make some cuts.
Pineapple, milk, gherkins. You guys are too heavy.
Little prime, I'll be back.
Ooh-ee.
Okay.
No more. I can't be pregnant anymore.
How do we finish this, please?
Well, technically, at 37 weeks, you are at full term.
But the due date is 40, and New York State allows 42.
42 weeks?
That's almost a year. That is bullshit.
Can we do anything to speed this up?
C-section, induction and also a membrane sweep.
But that's not medically sound for you.
Can I eat more fiber? - A baby is not a bowel movement,
so no. There are other things that people say might help.
They may not be medically sound,
but if you're really desperate.
Yeah, I'm-- I'm desperate.
Stimulating the nipples, that releases oxytocin, contracts the uterus.
So is it me? Does it have to be somebody else?
Well, you can always ask someone to do it. Sex, they say, helps.
I don't know, maybe it's the gyration, possibly the orgasms.
Great. Know anybody who likes somebody almost about to give birth?
Castor oil, they say might help, one or two tablespoons daily.
In my pussy? - No, no, you drink it.
Oh, got you.
Uh, dates, pineapple, red raspberry leaf tea.
Also oral, or is that..? - All of it is oral.
I just want to do whatever is going to get the baby out.
Well, a red raspberry tea douche will not do it.
Gotcha. All oral, lest we forget. [chuckles]
Hi, honey. I got great news.
The other good looking dentist they got for the gig.
He's indeed a serial killer.
- Oh. - But this is good news for you. They called.
They want you. - Oh, my God, they want me.
But you're going to have to fly out tomorrow
to San Francisco to do the filming.
[machine whirring]
[water splashes]
Ahh.
[cat meows]
[laughs]
[duck ringtone plays]
[phone chimes]
Oh, hey. - Hi. You picked up.
Yeah. Sorry.
I've been, pretty busy.
Okay. Sure. Yeah, I get it.
Are you on an airplane? - I am, I got the Invisalign campaign.
They're sending me out to shoot it.
Oh my God, yes. That's great.
Does that help for the money with the uh... with the shit pipe repairs?
I wish.
Our place is damn near condemnable.
We're basically holding back our next flood with a piece of duct tape.
We're just gonna have to move all together, you know?
We're looking for a place, maybe in the suburbs.
That's amazing.
Okay, you can't even not wince at me just saying,
"Looking at a place in the suburbs."
It's partly that, but also, my stomach's been cramping like crazy for hours.
Are you having contractions? - I don't think so.
I called Doctor Morris a couple times yesterday, and they weren't.
And these are weaker than yesterday, so we'll see. I'm ready.
Mh-hm. I totally get it. With Tommy, I just drank
a bunch of castor oil to, like, push it along.
Dude, I chugged it.
But I think I want some chocolate almond milk right now.
I'll BRB.
Apologies, you might get flashed.
Oh, okay.
Eden. - What?
Bend over.
Perv. - Just do it, bend over.
Yo, your pussy is very fucking open. How long you been hurting?
Hours, but I'm really feeling it now
that I'm letting myself feel it.
You need to go now. Call the hospital.
Oh my God. What?
[flight attendant] Phones off. The cabin is closed.
Ma'am, I'm going to need you to turn your phone off.
Ma'am. - I'm so sorry, okay?
This is so rude, but I'm literally. being yelled at.
Go to the hospital now. Goodbye, I love you.
[plane hums]
Oh, God. Dragana!
[flight announcement]
['80s pop music plays]
[exhales] Where's the Lyft?
Almost here. Was surge.
Why kept canceling.
If shit hits fan, I have many times
to reach in and pull out the baby.
Let's hope it doesn't come to that.
I don't enjoy it, but I do it.
[emotional music plays]
[cars honking]
You go ahead.
[car honking]
Let's go my little MILF to be.
[laughs]
No, wait, actually, I-- I forgot you suck. I'm taking a Lyft.
Come on, Eden, I'm not missing this.
Admit you were a legit asshole
about me and Claude's connection.
I was a legit asshole about you and Claude's connection.
[sighs]
Admit you and me are family.
We're family.
[sighs]
I am so sorry.
[sighs]
Okay.
I'm sorry too.
I took advantage of how much you can hold, and I piled it on.
I know I'm a lot.
[music continues]
[music swells]
Dragana, we're riding with this bitch.
[uplifting music plays]
[Dawn] Just keep breathing. Keep breathing.
[traffic hums]
[grunts]
[brakes squeak]
[Dawn] Here we go.
Here we go!
[Eden] Yep, yep.
[pants]
My streamers.
[groans]
Oh, sorry. Forgot you, baby girl.
Let's go have a baby. [laughing]
[inhales] Breathe.
[music fades] - Five, four, three, two, one!
[yells]
This position isn't helping. Let's turn her over.
Hands and feet, hands and feet.
[Eden] Okay, what's happening?
Why am I in doggy style? I don't wanna doggy style with my baby.
This is a common birth position. Can you move down?
No, I'm up here!
Okay, I'll come to you. - Okay.
We'll do it right here. Here comes another one.
Good, good, good, good, good, good, good.
Push, push, push, push. Push, push, push!
I'm doggy style with my baby, I feel weird about it.
Push this last one. Push.
I see the head, push!
[Eden] Okay, I think. I have to shit.
I don't want to shit on my baby like Dawn.
Dude it was disgusting what you did. - Okay.
Keep pushing. [Doctor Morris] Last push.
Good, good, good.
There we are, there we are, there we are!
[yells]
- [baby crying] - Perfect, perfect.
[gasping] - You did it!
- [laughs] - You did it.
I did it.
Okay, we're gonna cut the cord now.
No, no, no, I want Dawn to cut the cord.
- Okay. - I would be-- I would be honored.
Obviously.
There you are. Right there. [baby crying]
[sobs]
[laughing]
Okay.
Oh my God.
Oh my God. My baby had a baby. - [laughs]
- I love you so much. - I love you too.
[baby crying continues]
Thank you for being here. - Where the fuck else would I be?
[nurse] Okay, just a few more pushes.
Is there another one in there?
It's the placenta.
They don't tell you about this part.
[Dragana] I'll take placenta.
It makes smoothies.
Okay. That's a choice. Here we go.
This is just ridiculous.
[exhales] - [nurse] Great.
Oh, God. That's wild.
Smells good, doesn't it? - Oh, God. [laughs]
Shut up! [laughs]
Okay.
[baby crying]
Yeah, man. Give me my boy.
I didn't want to rain on your maternal instincts.
But, it's a girl. It's always been a girl.
[John Lennon, Yoko Ono - Remember Love plays]
I had two pussies? - Mh-hm.
[laughs]
Holy shit.
This is crazy. This is fucking crazy.
[sniffles]
How are we not talking about this all the time?
We grow bodies inside of our bodies. What the fuck?
This person just came out of my vagina. [laughs]
[sniffles] This is all the hot news
anchors should be covering twenty-four seven.
People coming out of pussies.
Every day for thousands and thousands of years.
What the fuck?
[laughs]
You're so beautiful.
What? What? [laughs]
[music covers talking]
[music fades]
- [baby crying] - [midwife] Congrats! Congrats!
You're ready to go home.
No, no, I'm not ready. - Yes, you are.
You can do it. And we need the bed.
But before you go, a few parting gifts,
some extra diapers for her and some for you.
Oh, good. I dropped a deuce a little while ago, so thank you.
You're not supposed to poop in your diaper.
It's for blood. Get that off.
See? I'm not ready. I'm shitting myself wrongly.
Shh. - [baby crying]
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
[softly] Thank you guys so much.
Really, really...
[traffic hums]
Mm-mm-mm.
[sirens wail]
[grunts]
Hey.
Yes. Please yes. Please yes. Please. Yes.
Oh, yes. Thank you so much.
[exhales] Okay. Okay.
[gentle music plays]
Thank you so much.
Okay.
[grunts] Oh, God.
[seatbelt clicks]
Okay, just one second.
Astoria, please.
[tires squeal]
[horns blare] [music stops]
[baby crying]
I'll fucking kill you! - I'll fucking kill you!
I'll fucking kill you both!
Okay. It's okay. Oh, fuck.
[music resumes]
Welcome home, Claudette.
All right.
Welcome home, Claudette.
Okay. Wow.
This is where we live.
You're gonna have sleep overs in here. Because we're gonna share the bedroom.
This is where you're gonna sleep.
All right, we got this. We got this, baby. We got this.
Oh, yeah.
[Dad on phone] I love you, Claudette.
[blows kiss]
[Marty] Ready buddy? [Eden] Hey Little sleepy girl.
It's gonna be great.
[subway rattles]
[Eden] Hi! [laughs] [Marty] Hey.
Oh my God.
Thank you guys for coming to us.
Of course, whoever has the youngest we do the commuting for,
it's only fair. - Oh, I love that rule.
Well, that's why I got the tickets, so. Let's go.
Oh, nice. [Marty] Let's do this.
Yeah, I can't wait. You got it?
Yep, I got you. [Marty] You ready?
[Tommy] Yeah. - All right.
[yells in film] [gunshot in film]
[male in film] Fuck you, motherfucker
[male 2 in film] Eat shit and die, motherfucker!
[gunshot in film] [screams in film]
[accordion music plays]
You see any of that shit?
- No. - So you're not going to fucking talk?
No.
Fuckin' cater waiter.
Jesus Christ! Just get in the fucking car! Jesus.
Claudette, that's your daddy.
[sirens, yelling in film]
There he is, that's your daddy.
[male in film] Eat led, cocksucker!
[gunshots, tires squealing in film]
Sorry, that movie was completely inappropriate for children.
- I just-- I just wanted to see him. - It's fine.
It was fun. It was good.
[laughs] - [gentle music plays]
[Tommy] Can we still see movies with Eden at the new house?
[Dawn] Yeah, of course you can, Tommy.
You guys found a house?
Yeah. I mean, it just happened this morning.
Our offer was accepted, so it's happening real fast.
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
So, which 'burb have you dorks selected?
You didn't tell her?
No, I didn't tell her. I've just...
Been busy. Like, I mean, all the work it takes
to find a new house and the right 'burb.
You got this vision of your dream home.
But then it literally turned to shit.
And then there's the amount of people that you have
to make appointments with to even see a house.
You're bringing the kids to all these houses,
and oof, then there's a gut check.
Does it even feel like a home?
And after all that, oh my God, don't even get me started on the paperwork.
It's insane the amount of paperwork you have to try and buy a house.
So, you want to know what 'burb?
This is it.
You can't say that [laughs] if it's not true.
Look, I know that I cannot live with you.
But I also know that we have to be close by,
Because I want our kids to grow up together.
Like how we did.
[sighs]
Is three blocks okay?
I mean, does that work for you?
[laughs] I think I can make it work.
I love you. - I love you too.
So I'm going to be over there.
And when I need something, I barely have to call.
I'm just popping by.
You should let me know before you come so we can make sure Marty's wearing pants.
When I need something lifted.
I'm texting Marty, I can go, I can skip you.
I might see you on a Monday afternoon.
I might see you late Monday night, that same Monday.
And I would love that.
So I guess it's just, uhm, a casual see you later?
[Bloods - Thinking Of You Thinking Of Me plays]
Yeah.
That's it. - That's it.
- You love me. - I love you, and I'm-- I'm gonna see you later.
[laughs]
[squeals, laughs]
[moans happily]
[screams happily]
[music continues]
[music fades]
[mellow music plays]