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[UPBEAT MUSIC]
VOICEMAIL: The person you are trying to reach--
SAM: Sam.
[COUGH] Sam.
VOICEMAIL:--is currently unavailable.
Please leave your message after the beep.
[BEEP] (OFF) MEG: Hey, Sam.
It's your mom.
Psych!
It's your therapist.
Don't get your hopes up.
I have to push our session.
I had some last minute shopping.
You're probably at your little theater, so--
I don't know-- write some more plays or something.
Bye-bye.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
SHELDON: Enter.
Come on in, Sam.
Sit down.
Well, I bet you're wondering, oh, what's going on?
Yes, yes.
See, that's theater--
palpable tension.
Um, are you still doing my play?
Because I love writing plays and being around actors.
[LAUGHS]
Of course, rain's coming in.
Yes.
Here's the new draft.
Ah, great.
Well, you sure do love Southerners, don't you?
They kind of shoot from the hip in a way
that I respond to, and in a way I kind
of wish I was more like that.
Greggy Thompson was slated to direct.
The great Greggy, yeah.
Was?
But we have decided
that we want you, the scribe.
To direct? No.
Yes.
Oh, no.
I'm not someone who could do that.
I think that there's got to be someone better.
I'm trying to think.
Um, Darlene O'Donnell?
She could be good.
She's got a gig off-Broadway.
Oh, April Slattery is really talented.
Had a baby a week ago.
Sheldon, I'm beginning to feel like I
wasn't your first choice here.
[LAUGHS]
[AWKWARD CHUCKLING]
Where's Greggy?
Greggy Schmeggy.
Just say yes!
It'll be magic to have our first female
kick off our 29th season.
I mean, you can, you know, recast all--
all ladies if you want.
Whatever.
Well, that wouldn't work
because it's a family drama.
Oh, yes!
Yeah.
Of course, your rate would double.
I accept.
Hallelujah.
That's great. (ON) SAM: I accept.
OK.
You got to be confident.
Because these actors are hyenas.
And if you falter in front of them,
it'll be your blood dripping off their face fur.
OK, well, then I'll--
I'll become a lion.
I'll be like a mama lioness.
A pack of hyenas can
easily tear apart a lioness.
But it's a good general mindset to start out with.
Mama lion!
Rawr, rawr! (ON) SHELDON: Oh, boy.
I'm a lion. Rawr, rawr!
Yes.
This one.
That's me.
That's me, sir.
That's me.
You work at that theater?
Yes, I do.
I'm a director.
No shit?
Actor.
[LAUGHS]
Hey, maybe you could get me a job.
You're right.
Maybe I could.
Well, I know where you live.
And I know your name.
I do not know how to contact you.
And my driver information does not
have any contact info for me.
So we may have to exchange--
I'm sure we'll bump into each other
again because I'm constantly taking Zooms.
This is where you live, right?
Yeah, I kind of usually--
we actually overshot it. (ON) DRIVER: Oh.
I can take you right back there.
No, this is good.
I'll get out here.
Thank you.
Good old brick and stucco.
[LAUGHS]
I know where you live.
Yeah, I put my neighbors coordinates.
Coordinates? You live next door?
Yeah, I live in the area.
This one's just-- either are fine.
Bye!
Back to my place!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Guys, places, please.
Places.
All right, you in the back, can you sit down?
Yes.
When the hand goes up, whoop, everyone quiet.
I'm your director.
I'm a director.
I don't know how to describe it except it's like I just
suddenly feel like I exist.
You got a gig.
Yes.
I'm happy.
How do you know?
Could I be tricking myself?
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Do you hate yourself?
I mean, sometimes I'm just like,
other people are better than you, and you suck.
Yeah.
But hate?
I'm going to put you down for yes.
OK.
But, you know, therapy is crucial for you.
With your aloof parents, and your loner mentality, and your
deep insecurities, you need it.
In other news-- and yes, I too bear news--
I'm changing my billing system to the Square.
And I don't want you to be startled
at the end of our session, so I'm letting you know now.
OK.
So you can emotionally prepare.
[PHONE VIBRATES]
Oh.
Oh, it's from my theater.
It's a community meeting.
Damn, it's so soon.
I don't have on good makeup.
I just don't want to look mousy.
This is a big opportunity.
Oh, I have a cosmetology license.
You do?
I could do your makeup.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Mama lion.
[APPLAUSE]
What?
Gerald, come on.
Give me my light, will you?
Gerald, what are you doing?
Cut it out!
That is the best bit.
Come on.
I sign your checks, Gerald!
[LAUGHS]
Ahem.
Thespians, ushers, box office personnel,
costume designers, stage managers, and yes,
even techies--
Fucking dick.
Stupid bitch.
It has come to my attention
that our beloved director, Greggy Thompson,
had non-traditional relationships with cast members
in every play he directed.
Greggy is stepping down.
What?
OK.
Now I'm going to announce Greggy's replacement.
She is a female, which is just the medicine
we need right now--
Sam Clifford!
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, whoa.
Oh, no.
Gerald, where's my spotlight action?
Let's dance, baby.
Ah, ah!
Come on.
OK.
We'll do it some other time.
I am Sam Clifford.
Hi, friends.
I know the mood is a little iffy right now,
but I just want you to know from the bottom of my heart,
I believe victims.
And that's what you are.
Sorry if I look crazy.
My therapist did my makeup.
Thank you very much.
I sound like Elvis.
Ah, getting in my head.
Thanks, guys.
I'm going to be a mama lion.
I'm going to protect you. Rawr!
OK.
We'll see you soon.
Holy shit.
Hey, Sam.
Wait up.
Whoa, Greggy.
That was a great speech back there.
Oh, thank you. That means a lot.
Yeah, I just kind of had to make it up on the spot,
but I was happy with it. (ON) GREGGY: Hey, listen.
Walk and talk with me for a second.
I keep my car parked down here so she don't get dinged.
I can see you as a director.
You do?
Of course.
You're super duper.
You are a very special person, OK?
You know that.
Right, kid?
I think I do, yeah.
She is my stingray.
Yeah.
Look.
You're going to make theater.
That's the dream.
Right?
I lost my dream because of some bad judgment or some bad luck.
Really, some vindictive phonies.
The point is, I'm here for you.
Hey, I'm damn good.
I can teach you to get standing O's.
Mm-hmm.
You know what?
Thank you, but I kind of want to find my own way.
Silly.
Why don't you grab a coffee with me?
I mean, what-- what's the worst that can happen?
I got a cool car.
Why don't you hop in?
It is so cool.
God.
Maybe I could just sit in it for a second.
No, I can't do this.
I got to go. I got to sleep.
I got to eat.
I got a table read tomorrow, Greggy.
OK.
Well, text me.
All right.
Bye, Greggy.
[DRUM BEATING]
I say we do another musical, guys.
Rawr!
Rawr, rawr, rawr!
Mama lion reporting for den duty.
Hey, twin.
Check the lips.
Hmm?
Marjorie, that's an exact match.
That's crazy.
It's not crazy.
It's flattering.
Anyhow, so by now we've all read the script.
We know it's about a small town.
But what is it really about?
It's about all of us.
Is it about Detroit?
It's-- it's human.
It's universal.
Come on, the universal Southern
experiences that we were-- that's what we're doing?
Rain's coming in.
What is rain?
What is it?
Rain, rain is water.
It's viscous.
It's molecular H2O.
Mm-hmm. Good.
It cleanses but also makes mud.
Phones down, OK?
Let's open the damn script.
Rain's Coming In, written by Sam Clifford,
directed by Sam Clifford!
[LAUGHS]
That's my girl.
No relation to me, Sheldon Clifford.
Only met her mom once!
I swear I did nothing.
You fucked her mom?
No. Uh-oh.
No.
No, I did not.
Here we go.
Act 1.
Mama Jean's rural home.
Mama Jean enters in robe smoking.
Opens newspaper, smacks it.
Humph!
Thunder, lightning.
Mama looks outside.
Rain's coming in.
It's raining drops the size of gumballs.
Cooper, you got a hard heart.
It ain't our fault you drink to get through a day!
I'm daddy, but I'm a dead fucking ghost daddy.
W-- why, Cooper, you're drunk.
You are too, mama.
So don't you dare!
No, she ain't, Cooper!
Lillie Mae, mama's little lapdog!
Now, listen, here, if you love the wild, the wild
love you back, boy.
Dinner's ready, potatoes
whipped high like mountains.
There's enough food here to feed a firehouse.
Mama, we ought to invite Buck.
Lillie Mae's sweet on him.
Lillie Mae screams and collapses
in the door, holding Buck.
Oh, Buck, the father of the unborn baby!
Oh, God, this is worse than porridge on ice!
Yes, I'm pregnant, y'all.
Lights dim, rain sound, end of play.
It's really good.
Really sad, right?
Sad story.
Yeah, it was great.
I'd just go a little longer, chica.
No, it was long.
I think like a director.
You know, I love it.
I'm obsessed with it.
But there are three funerals.
There are also 20 monologues back to back.
Imagine-- imagine fucking but you're
climaxing the entire time.
Don't have to imagine.
Corden, your ghost character
scared the shit out of me.
And I say that as someone who's been stabbed six times.
By six different people?
Four.
Should we focus, or is this good for camaraderie?
OK, monstrous read, everybody.
Just a little over three hours.
Thank you, everyone.
Beautiful work.
Email me if you want to meet for one-on-ones!
Well, that was amazing. (ON) SHELDON: It--
It was. It was.
And did you see this?
Glendale Post, "Sam Clifford to direct.
First-time female director poised to helm
show at the Regis Theater."
Front page!
Incredible.
Ooh, la la la.
Mm-hmm.
Sam.
Yeah.
Hey.
Just looking at this little write-up that I got.
Oh wow. Congratulations.
Thank you.
I'm so excited that you're getting to direct.
I am too.
The whole time I've worked
here, it's always been men.
So just seeing you walk through that door
today in this new position was really powerful.
Thank you.
I'm inspired.
Thank you.
I've been trying to do a little writing myself.
Really?
Yeah, but I'm really visual and abstract.
I'm-- I'm scared it might be my downfall.
Well, if I could give you some advice, um,
I would say have fun with it.
Because if you're not, they won't.
Well, us two girls, we got to stick together.
That glass ceiling is no joke.
Yeah, and my glass ceiling is blocking
me from getting up to yours.
So--
[LAUGHS] That part.
Anyway, I got to do a little work.
All right.
Today, I've brought in some coaches
from all over Glendale who are going to help you think
about how to refine your work.
OK?
What is acting?
Rudie, where are you from?
Florida. (ON) TEACHER: OK, Rudie.
I want this to come out of your dick.
I want you to really just, like, say it.
OK?
Florida! (ON) RUDIE: I'm from Florida!
Can we get another one out of you?
That's my friend. Let's get the whole shaft.
I'm from Florida! (ON) TEACHER: More.
Put the balls in.
I'm from Florida!
Yes, yes!
Put your hands-- (ON) CORDEN: From Iowa.
I'm from Hollywood!
You put both titties in there!
You're fucking seals,
just throwing little anchovies out for you to catch.
Ar, ar, ar, ar!
Are you saying that like a good thing or?
No, I'm saying it like that's what being an actor
is.
Uh-huh.
Acting is not something I do.
I'm 28.
You can definitely play older or younger.
How old are you?
28.
Yeah.
I also do training.
I'm a trainer as well.
Down, and back.
You want us all running at the same time?
All at the same time.
Just do what he says.
Do you know were Flappers Comedy Club is?
(ON) DAVINA: Yes.
I live in one of the apartments
right above that.
Wow.
How did you get a place there?
I do stand-up comedy.
Wait.
So the rundown is you do stand-up, personal training,
and acting coaching? (OFF) TEACHER: Yes.
What's your bread-winner,
though, out of the three?
I make my most money working at Squeakers.
Hi.
Say hi.
OK, hi.
Oh my God.
Is World War III coming?
Hi.
See?
So let's try it again.
Thank you.
Because I really felt like you really meant it.
It's different. (OFF) DAVINA: I got chills.
There are differences.
How do you get out of your own head?
I feel like so often I'm my greatest block.
I thought you said, I migrate as block.
That's what I thought.
SAM: I thought she said, I migrate as block.
OK, and what if she did?
What if she did?
Everything is right except for what you're feeling.
Food.
OK?
If your character is not eating, the heart's not beating.
The-- the sound can come out of your mouth, but--
I didn't even know you had that.
Brad Pitt has never
said a line on or off camera without something in his mouth.
I just got chills.
Denzel Washington would not be Denzel Washington
without a pocketful of peanuts.
Always going.
You can see his mouth going.
Who are you waiting to be?
You have a bathroom in here on the premises?
Yeah.
How far?
SAM: Get out.
We don't know him.
Come on out.
TEACHER: I'm doing all right.
(OFF) SAM: We don't--
It's too much fruit.
We were all shocked you were directing.
It felt like time, you know?
It felt right.
Huge jump.
I wanted to talk about our vision for Cooper.
Do you see him as gay? (ON) SAM: Do you him to be?
No.
Well, I'm not mommy.
What's your vision?
Mommy?
It's a funny word.
Mine actually split when I was six.
A lot of the mama lion thing you've been doing, um,
it's just a lot for me.
I'm so sorry. (ON) RUDIE: Oh, my God.
I did not know. (ON) RUDIE: No, stop.
I went to a fun boarding school and got over it fast.
And, you know, I just kind of realized,
like, why am I taking it so personal
that my mom abandoned me?
Right.
Yeah, and, Rudie, I hope you're not
nervous about this production.
I know it's challenging material,
but you're a super duper actor.
And you're really great.
You know that, right?
Don't try that greeky shit with me.
It's not you.
Anyway, thanks for giving me free rein.
Yeah.
You know, you seem scared.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is just admit it.
People really respect honesty.
Coffee?
Oh, my god.
Oh, it's too hot.
It's too hot to--
oh.
Bye.
SAM: So notecard 72--
nope 71.
Sorry about that.
So this is Elizabeth Cary.
To anyone who guessed, that's correct.
Elizabeth Cary, she penned the first play
written by a woman in 1613.
She had 11 kids, and she still created.
That's grit.
OK, I'm going to hang this.
I'll get one of the guys to hang it.
We made it through this many notecards.
Corn on the cob.
Nya-nya.
You guys have been amazing to just stick it out this long.
And I want to admit something to you.
I'm scared right now.
I was scared this morning getting ready.
I'm scared to lead.
Sometimes it's good to say that.
DAVINA: [LAUGHS]
What?
I'm doing a panties giveaway.
My panties, I wear them.
And then I give them away. (ON) SAM: Pantie?
It's like a sponsor thing.
There's some shit on them, so they sell for more.
Not my shit.
[BEEP]
My love? (ON) SAM: Yeah.
My kid sister, I mentioned her to you, right?
She's a single mom?
Yeah, she's having some child care issue.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
So I told her I'd watch my niece.
I mean, you get it?
Single mom, child care issues?
Yeah.
I'm trying to think how we could make it work.
Maybe she could sit off to the side
and do her homework or something?
I don't know, but we should talk about it.
When is this?
Right now.
Come on in, honey.
She-- she said you have to sit in the corner.
SAM: No, I'm saying like, I just feel like then
you'd have your own space.
Yeah, you can grab that chair.
[VIOLIN MUSIC]
[CHAIR SCRAPING]
She seems so sad.
RUDIE: Unforgivable. (OFF) CLARA: It's hard to see.
Welcome.
So--
[RINGTONE]
My boy Zac.
What's up?
Yeah, hey, Efron, baby.
What's up, brother?
Wait are-- are you serious?
It's actually Zac Efron?
CORDEN: Yeah, you little bitch.
What up?
Now we got rid of him, we can get
to the infamous notecard 72.
What's the diaphragm?
Where is it?
You know, I'm going to take over because I think
you're going to confuse them.
And it's better if I just, like, read this one.
Um, it's just an area that I have a lot of expertise
and passion around, which is the diaphragm, which is actually
connected to the pelvic floor.
So if you have a scrotum, for example,
tighten that, kind of--
OK, there's a kid, just
reminding you, the scrotum.
Oh, I'm fine with that.
It's good to not attach shame to those words.
Let it spread around the anus.
Interesting choice for director.
I'm all for a woman in charge, completely.
But like, kind of please be a different one.
Please.
At least a woman that
won't let Marjorie's niece just barge into the rehearsal space.
That was insane.
That was crazy.
Wait.
Who am I?
Hoo, hoo.
Scared Samantha.
Oh, I just dislike her.
Look at these notecards!
My name is Sam.
I have a lot riding on this.
I hope I get a big, fancy--
Wait, what is that?
SIMON: Where are you looking?
Oh.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Great rehearsal today. Great job.
Thank you.
It was amazing.
Just waiting for a Zoomer.
Yeah.
I'm just going to Zoom on out.
[CHATTERING]
Bye, Clara.
Bye.
Hey, Corden.
Yeah, see you.
Hey. (ON) SAM: Hey.
You have a good first rehearsal?
Yeah, it was really good.
It was so good today.
OK. (ON) SAM: Bye.
See you later.
MARJORIE: Whoa, a hand-drawn map.
"Hey, let's meet at Griffith Park.
Fun rehearsal time."
CLARA: I know the spot.
Follow me.
Come on.
Yeah, I'll catch up later.
I'll meet you guys there.
I just got to go get a couple Jamocha
shakes for me and my mom.
Be really disappointing if you
didn't come.
Be really disappointing if you didn't.
Oh my God.
My doctor.
I have it.
[GIGGLES]
[BIRD CALLING]
Hey, hey.
Hello, thespians.
Hi.
Just squatting on this old tree
stump, communing with nature, practicing my bird call.
[BIRD CALLING]
You're not dealing with that uptight robot Sam Bird anymore.
I had an epiphany.
I got to loosen up.
So let's loosen up!
Woo!
So let's hike.
Oh!
Ah.
So let's hike and--
ooh.
Got me.
So let's hike and shout lines into the wind.
I didn't bring my hiking shoes.
Me neither.
Well, we weren't born in shoes, were we?
So Davina, like, totally bailed.
And where's Corden?
Ooh, I do have a little announcement
on that front.
Corden landed a role in the Magic Mike prequel.
Oh. (ON) CLARA: He got out.
So we're completely fucked.
Do not worry.
He has given me his word, he will be back for previews.
Woo!
Yes!
RUDIE: Sam, is the trail at least short?
The trail is not short.
It's very steep and rigorous.
MARJORIE: What do you mean?
I'll wait for you.
My shoes are made of felt.
SAM: Everyone's accents could improve,
so let's really try to watch--
I don't know-- old Southern movies or something.
Sam, Sam, Sam.
You know I respect your vision, but what--
what the hell does this have to do with acting?
I'm just confused.
I want to understand.
You'll understand as it goes deeper in your soul.
Simon DiCaprio, hit us.
I bought poison from the apothecary.
Ow!
I hurt my damn ankle.
Are you all right?
MARJORIE: Oh.
[SCREAMING]
[RATTLING]
RUDIE: Why are we even here?
Don't worry.
I'm going to just cock that shit right back in--
Wait, wait, wait.
My ankle is double-jointed.
What's new is the scratch.
SAM: Oh.
Come on.
Oh.
[VOCALIZING]
(SINGING) Home again, home again, jiggity jig.
All right, we're back.
And it's rain day.
Rain, rain, don't go away.
Is the rain rig ready?
Oh, you betcha.
Should I fire it up? (ON) SAM: One second.
Joseph.
It's-- it's time to run the rain.
Joseph, we're going to do the rain.
You have earplugs in or something?
Earbuds.
I listen to music while I make kill lists
of people I want fucking dead.
All right, Joseph.
All right.
Well, it's the gray, dreary morning
of grandpappy's funeral.
And here he lays, right?
Here lays grandpappy.
The rain is going to come on.
You will get wet.
There's plenty of towels over here for after.
I brought a bunch of props.
Come on up and grab some.
Whoa!
We got a hat.
We got an umbrella.
We got a poncho.
We got a something.
Have at it.
I'm going to go ahead
and snatch this little rainslicker right here.
I'll take the flowers.
I'll take the umbrella.
That's actually bad luck, Macbeth.
[LAUGHS]
Macbeth, Macbeth!
Oh, great.
Well, I'll just use this-- something that my character
would absolutely never wear.
RUDIE: Cute. (ON) CLARA: It's cute.
This isn't even bad taste.
It's the complete absence of taste.
Clara, that's actually hurting my feelings.
That my personal hat that I brought from home
to share with you guys.
It's neither here nor there, Sam.
Oh, come on.
These kids don't know style.
We're in our brew.
Oh, mama, mama, mama, mama.
Kind of taste what you had for breakfast.
All right.
Yeah, we better get going.
Let's get into the piece, OK?
Let's see what we got here.
All right.
So you're sad.
You're at a funeral.
You're sad.
Everyone's feeling down.
Grandpappy is gone.
Davina, remember you're sad?
Yeah.
He's dead, right?
So grandpappy, no!
Grandpappy, no!
All right, we'll take it.
Grandpappy is my grandpappy, right?
Oh, no, no.
Your grandpappy would have died a long, long, long, long time
ago.
No, but I'm playing mama like 34, 35.
She's going to be high 60s
and early 70s at the very, very youngest, I'm going to say.
Yeah.
All right, guys, Marjorie, lead us in.
Woo!
OK.
Sky's darkening, clouds getting heavy.
We best say our final goodbyes to dear old grandpappy,
lest we get caught in a hard, driving rain.
Grandpappy!
Oh, no.
We're so sad.
MARJORIE: Dead and gone.
[SOBBING]
Is it raining way too hard?
Turn it down, Sam!
OK.
RUDIE: We look like a joke!
[METALLIC CRASH]
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
It's a hot, hot house.
This is supposed to be extremely hot.
I'm swimming.
Why is there so much rain?
I'm sorry!
[SHOUTING]
The rain is most definitely coming in.
Ah!
[GRUNTING]
[SHOUTING]
The Regis is wet, wet, wetter.
We don't care over here about climate change, honey.
We're doing a wet t-shirt contest, dude.
Davina, knock it off!
Wet t-shirt, wet t-shirt contest.
My boobies are so wet!
Stop showing your chest, please!
You're slut-shaming them!
What is going on?
Hey, a little water experiment setback.
Sam, cast, I'd like you to meet
Miles and Thimberly Paris.
They are very generous donors to our little theater.
Oh, well, what an honor.
Thank you.
We love the Regis.
CLARA: You're kind.
And I put my money where
my mouth is with the arts.
Here, here.
It makes me feel better
about my undeserved wealth.
Well, I love to stand right here with all
of you actors, theater people, here in the green room
together.
Well, it's-- it's energizing.
This is the green room, right?
I'm saying that right?
Well, technically, it's known as the house.
Ah.
What a letdown.
But it is like a green room.
It really is.
Is it?
It isn't.
No?
I have a friend in textiles
who would love her fabric, Alabama jazz,
to be incorporated into the set.
Oh!
[CLAPPING]
But after today, I don't know.
Isn't that fabric exquisite?
MARJORIE: Stunning. (ON) THIMBERLY: All right.
Well, we'll get out of your wet hair.
[LAUGHTER]
Hey. (ON) STAR: Hey.
Hey, are you OK?
Yeah.
Um, I'm good.
Yeah.
It's a little harder than I thought, but it's been good.
OK.
Yeah, see, I've been struggling to get this play I wrote
produced, so it's kind of comforting to know it's
no cakewalk for you either.
No, there's like hot coals.
My feet are burnt. Ow.
Blisters.
Oh.
And I'm treading on--
Sam?
Yeah.
Can I grab you?
Uh-huh.
All right.
You are alarmingly behind schedule.
And I bit my tongue when you harbored a minor
and when you held rehearsal in a tree,
but this water debacle was wretched.
It's bad.
Yeah.
Would it help if I sat in the room?
I mean, it's tricky because I want you to be yourself.
But the blueprint for what works here is Greggy.
You know, he could go mad dog if he needed to
or-- or morph into a trusted friend.
Yeah, he was always flipping out on people.
Yeah.
And then, like, really weird and intimate.
Yeah. (ON) SAM: I'll try that.
You do not have to sit in rehearsals, my friend.
I am excellent at reading people.
Trust me.
[BANGING ON LID]
Morning, Sam.
Davina, are you going to post about the show?
No.
[BANGING ON LID]
Good morning.
CLARA: Hey.
Clara, how's your mom?
She's good.
Miss that old girl.
Marjorie, you look cool today!
Oh, thanks.
Want this jacket?
I don't, but thank you so much.
That's so generous.
Right off your back.
Uh, who else we got in here?
Davina!
Rocking a cool new headband.
I like it. (ON) DAVINA: Thank you, girl.
I got it from a company in exchange for a post.
Exciting creative relationship!
Simon's over there nursing a coffee
like it's his best friend.
Mm-hmm.
What's your go-to order?
What is it?
I usually like an Americano
with some agave in it.
All right, enough chit-chat!
Everybody down!
[BANGING ON LID]
[SHOUTING]
Sam!
Have we replaced a male predator with a female disaster?
That's a false equivalency!
Learn your blocking!
Knock it off.
You're making us all really uncomfortable, girl.
Is this uncomfortable?
Ka-blam!
Yeah.
You shot her.
Blocking charts.
Ever heard of them?
You're going to want to memorize those.
SIMON: Throwing shit at us?
That'll help you know where you're standing.
Yeah, I don't know how we memorize a picture.
XTR to US of table?
Cross down right to upstage of table.
Clara, so there is a little brain
knocking around in there.
Ping, pong, poom, pom, poom pop.
Good.
Wow.
We cue to cue in 20!
[BANGS ON LID]
Thank you, 20. (ON) SIMON: I'm taking a shit.
I'm not dealing with this.
I have a medical migraine.
She was provoking me.
Sam is out of her goddamn mind.
[BANGING ON LID]
Stay in the room!
The doors are locked.
Everybody learn your lines,
your lines and blocking.
If you would have gotten that, then none of this
ever would have happened!
[TRANQUIL MUSIC]
[BANGING ON LID]
How's everyone feeling?
You've been working pretty hard out here.
I appreciate it.
Does anyone need anything, a cup of tea or something?
RUDIE: No.
No?
Everyone know all your marks?
You feel good, feel solid?
No one's talking to me?
Let's play ball.
Let's run it.
Oh my god.
Hey, wait.
You're supposed to take it off on me.
You got to scoot back.
Houston, we have a problem.
Very out of sync.
You guys are improving like LA traffic is improving.
It ain't.
It's very wooden.
Where's the camaraderie?
Have you ever met before?
Do you know each other?
Just stop, OK?
We're not robots!
We're a bunch of people, just kind of hanging
out and living our lives.
You know, doing what humans do, having millions of feelings
like little tea candles, which you're
snuffing out every single one.
You want us to create?
You want us to protect our fire?
We cannot because of you!
So why don't you stop being fake nice to us
and then yelling at us?
Boom, dude!
Come on, get a lifestyle.
It's ridiculous, Sam!
[SOBBING]
All right, what are you doing right now?
I'm sorry.
Are you filming yourself crying?
Yeah, people do that now.
They film themselves, like, crying or at the hospital
and then post with no explanation.
SIMON: You should put a filter on.
Oh my god!
This is our craft, Sam.
It's kind of a bummer, dude.
This feel like we work at, like, Amazon.
SAM: Amazon? Simon?
Really?
Amazon.
Yes, Sam.
OK, I'm--
I'm getting a lot of big feelings off everyone.
I'm-- I'm riding these waves with you.
And I got to tell you, I knew today was going to be hard.
I knew that.
So I got you a treat it's right over there.
What is it?
SAM: That's a box full of donuts.
And each donut in there has one of your names on it.
Do you think we're little children?
You're not going to like
my answer, which is you are acting like a bunch of brats
right now. (ON) SIMON: Whoa!
(OFF) CLARA: Oh, my god.
That's it?
Sam, we quit.
OK.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Quitting as in shuttering the show?
Maybe she can change, you know?
She can't.
Is this serious?
OK, we need to talk.
This whole situation has gotten very out of hand.
MARJORIE: Yeah.
All right, this is a little runaway train.
I think we need to talk through some of our issues
and make it right.
We're certainly not going to stop the show.
Don't be sheeple!
Follow me.
Oh, great.
Just like your mom walked out on you, right?
[WHISTLES]
Oh my God.
CLARA: Whoa. (ON) SIMON: That was crazy, bro.
DAVINA: Tsk-tsk. (ON) SIMON: I'm sorry, man.
I'm sorry.
Sam, you got to do better.
That was wild.
MARJORIE: Low blow, Sam.
Guys.
I'm sorry, Sam.
You're not cut out for this.
Yes.
Come on, let's talk.
Come on.
Come back.
Rudie, come back!
Don't-- please.
Gerald, don't fucking dim the lights, man!
Work with me, Gerald!
[SOBBING]
Did you have an abortion like a few years ago?
Was that you?
No.
Oh, you wanted to freeze your eggs,
and you couldn't afford it.
More chardonnay?
Yes, yes.
Yessiree, Bob, I will take more, please.
Me too.
I'm going to have to put mine in a doggy bag.
Oh, why?
I have to go.
I have a date in 20 minutes.
And it's at the racetrack, which is 35 minutes away.
So you do the math.
Racetrack?
Listen.
Have a blast tonight.
Life is a non-stop party, or you're doing it wrong.
Got it? (ON) SAM: Yeah.
Good.
Hang in there.
Thank you.
You're the best.
Thanks for paying for my drink.
Gosh, I love that girl.
Oh, hey.
I just thought of a joke.
What do horses drink?
Um, Chardon-neigh?
Yeah.
You got it on the first try.
Hey.
Hi.
Oh.
Hi.
I feel like I know you, but I'm like wee, wee, wee.
I should really go home.
Oh, no.
That'd be sad.
Why?
Well, because I just got here.
Oh.
You had a rough day?
My boss is in here.
He's in your phone?
I had 17 missed calls from my boss.
My boss, he says no.
Maybe he was calling with 17 compliments?
[CHUCKLES] I wish!
Hey, you know what?
I thought of a joke. (ON) SAM: Hmm.
You want to hear it?
Yeah.
What do horses drink?
Oh my God, no!
You heard that?
I'm sorry.
Oh my God.
You're so bad.
You stole my joke!
[LAUGHS]
You scared me.
You're brilliant.
Where did you come from?
I don't know.
Heaven.
Maybe that's why I'm wearing a white jean jacket.
SAM: I definitely do believe in angels.
I do.
I'm going to say something to you right now.
You're one of the most beautiful women
I've ever seen in my life.
You're stunning.
Thanks.
Hold on.
Don't move.
I said, don't move.
Sorry.
I know.
It's hard.
Ow!
You're hot.
Ah, thanks.
Man, who are you?
Who are you?
You're so alert.
Let's go.
Where?
I want you to see my house.
It's an apartment.
Oh.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Morning.
[GIGGLING]
Oh my goodness.
Humans, wow.
We're just animals.
We're fucking.
Animals.
Totally.
Yeah.
Hey.
Uh, I want to do Cooper in the play.
How do you even know my play?
Because I'm Robbie.
I'm the head usher at the Regis.
What?
Come on.
You knew that, right?
I did not know that.
Then you should know the play's shut down.
Yeah, I know.
What a better time to recast?
Look, I don't want to be an usher forever.
I-- I've got aspirations too.
I mean, look at you.
You were a scuzzy little playwright,
and now you're a director.
Kind of.
Let me take a crack at the Cooper monologue
from the final act, from the final scene.
Please Ahem.
OK.
I killed daddy.
It was me.
I should have never taken him down to that watering hole
by the mining company.
I'm going to stop you.
Um, I don't think that you're Regis material.
I like you.
I think you're so awesome and cool.
Bullshit.
What'd you say?
I said bullshit.
You know what?
I don't think you're girlfriend material.
How do you feel about that?
Wait.
I thought we connected.
Nothing to see here!
Just a woman screwing her underling.
That is a stretch!
Who reports to her!
Stretch!
Whatever you say, boss.
Shut up!
I-- I didn't even recognize him.
Burn.
Also, I was extremely drunk, and he was not.
Then that would be assault.
OK, by that definition,
I have been assaulted hundreds of times.
Sometimes you have to buff
the veneer off the status quo and lay
bare the truth beneath it.
But-- but you're a writer.
You must do that all the time in your work.
Hey, give me back my white jean jacket!
Here you go, you stupid idiot!
Be careful!
[SIGHS] We got 15 minutes left in our sesh, bro.
What do you want to talk about?
What hurts the most?
That you didn't succeed, that you
were a female pawn for the patriarchy set up to fail?
Is it my drinking?
Is it our drinking?
No.
Oh, it's the usher, right?
Dude, it's the usher.
He got you hot in the loins, then he left you for dead?
What, is it Sheldon?
I mean, who cares about Sheldon?
What, are you afraid to return Sheldon's phone calls?
You know, you always adopt this childlike mentality
with powerful men.
Is it the square?
Because I need to bust it out so you can remit payment.
What kind of therapist babbles like this?
Are you a gumshoe?
Are you on cocaine again?
Are you using?
I don't even know what you mean by that.
I think you're on cocaine.
And I don't think we should have sessions when
you're [CLICKS] on the [CLICK].
So you don't want to use the Square or?
Here. Here.
Fuck the Square.
Here.
You want money so bad?
There.
And I am not scared of Sheldon.
That's actually ridiculous.
You should be ashamed of that theory.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Sheldon.
Where have you been?
I'm treading water here.
I couldn't handle the mutiny, obviously.
All actors want is to act.
All day they're dying to get back here
to be anyone but themselves.
You somehow made them prefer their own lives
to the land of make-believe?
I mean, that's impressive, Sam.
Can you just help me get Rudie to fold?
He blocked my number.
No, I will not take on your drama.
Please just help me out.
It's your theater.
I will not take on your drama!
Look, what's behind every powerful man?
A family with money?
A woman who gains power by proxy.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[RINGING DOORBELL]
Clara.
Come on, man.
Open the door.
Open the door!
God, Sam.
Hey.
I'm not supposed to talk to you.
But you kind of want to, don't you?
Well, I don't.
'Sup?
A lot of bowls.
Hmm.
I'd be careful.
You're on really thin ice.
Am I?
So life is good, then?
Having fun following a male-led mutiny against
a first-time female director?
My God.
Sam, don't embrace those labels.
They're not labels, they're facts.
I have a vagina, no?
I don't know.
Fact-- you have one too.
Fact-- you and your vagina took me and my vagina for granted.
And you and your vagina left me and my vagina for dead.
I'm really uncomfortable
with the direction this conversation is going.
Are you?
Because I thought you loved the body.
I do.
SAM: And I thought you loved medical terminology.
I do.
You turned your back on me.
And now you and me are sitting here with our fucking
dicks in our hands.
We got nothing to do.
Fuck.
You're right.
Fucking Rudie.
He's projecting his mother onto you.
It's not fair.
You're completely childless.
He doesn't go to therapy.
I bet he doesn't do anything like that.
He doesn't do any work on himself.
I do so much work on myself, Sam.
I'm so scared of losing the show.
We won't.
We're going to get it back, Clara.
Yeah.
You have to talk to him.
OK.
The show must go on.
Yes.
The show must go on!
It has to.
God, he does this to me.
He does this to everyone.
That's what a star does.
You're a star too.
Do you really think so?
I hate how much I needed to hear that from you.
Never forget that.
Also, full disclosure, I fucked Greggy.
It was something I had to do.
I'm glad you came.
Me you. (ON) CLARA: Thought you might.
Vag-- vag you came.
Vag you came.
I was nervous.
Yeah. (ON) SAM: Look.
I think I'm-- (ON) CLARA: Oh my God.
I was so nervous.
Yeah.
God.
See, he always finds these cushy jobs.
Here we are.
Where?
There.
Oh.
Hey, Rudie.
You're looking great, bud.
I am so sorry that you had to sit there and watch me struggle
through my learning curve.
It wasn't fair to you, no matter how imbalanced the scales
of gender are in directing.
Stick to the script.
But, Rudie, the show must go on, right?
You should have thought about that before you
went ballistic in a tech rehearsal
and turned my life's passion into a chore!
Rudie, you hate chores because your mother turned
love itself into a chore.
But I am not her, I promise you.
And you cannot let those ancient feelings stop our show.
You don't belong here shilling fast fashion.
OK?
It's crass.
She's right.
You are one of the best damn actors
I have ever laid eyes on.
You belong on the stage!
The show must go on.
The commute is better.
(SINGING) The show must go on!
(SINGING) The show must go on.
The show must go on.
Oh, this feels good!
Yes. (ON) CLARA: It does feel good.
I have to admit it.
It feels good.
I'm in.
Amazing!
I'll rally the cast.
Wait.
Was there an earthquake today?
No, I don't think so.
Oh, weird.
It looks like you got ready during an earthquake.
We are back!
We are Back!
Rain's coming in.
Rain's coming in!
I am hungry!
Oh, man.
Sam, aren't you always hungry at this age?
I'm like, oh!
Oh, I missed you guys.
I love you!
Being here in this group, I missed that.
I missed feeling the room.
I missed hearing language, staying
alert, going what's that?
What's my line, and then knowing that it was
already in me the whole time.
You all missed each other.
Got it!
Yeah.
We fiddled with the pressure balancing valve.
It should keep the rain temperature from fluctuating.
Great, guys.
Nice adjustment.
Yeah.
That way you can't get severely burned.
Cool beans.
It's pretty cool beans!
Why do you say it so high like that?
Shut up!
All right.
All right, guys.
This production is a total fucking heat roller.
Not sure what that means, guys, but let's
keep our--
Is heat roller good or bad?
Keep our thoughts up there, OK?
We're trying to focus down here. We've got a big job ahead.
Yeah, drinks later.
Love you.
Great to see you guys again.
Fuck off!
Let's shake that off.
You guys, I promised you a treat once, didn't I?
Well, today is the day that treat is back--
a bajillion donuts.
Hello.
Oh my god.
I love donuts!
They make me so happy.
Cast donuts, huh?
Typical.
Robbie, enter stage right.
Robbie, don't.
Sugar can cause complications
that ultimately result in death, inflammation, diabetes.
Come on, man.
One donut could realistically
feed up to 10 people.
What in God's name are you doing?
And what's the accent?
What is this?
He's taking two donuts!
Exeunt Robbie.
You know, a lot of different personalities
in here, but let's just keep the energy up.
Yoo hoo.
Oh, Thimberly.
You slipped in undetected.
That's what I said to Miles last night.
[LAUGHTER]
Good news, gang.
We got Alabama jazz.
Hurray!
Alabama jazz!
Amazing.
Really punctures the eyes.
Hey, gal.
Do you want to see our curtain call or what?
Yeah, a little curtain call showcase for Thimberly.
Come right this way.
And--
Oh, look at this.
Oh.
Oh, my friends.
I believe we're ready for previews.
I knew it. I knew it.
Miles and I would like to invite you
all over for a cautiously celebratory dinner tomorrow
night at 3:30.
Yes!
MARJORIE: I accept.
Will there be lobster?
Miles does all the cooking.
Well, that's such a wonderful invite, Thimberly.
Dress sharp. (OFF) MARJORIE: Wow.
OK.
Oh, a 3:30 dinner?
No ripped jeans.
MARJORIE: Oh, I say. (ON) CLARA: I dare say.
Are we at Buckingham Palace?
I feel like I'm in London.
Act like you've been there before.
Look at this house.
Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
Thimberly and Miles?
SAM: Yes.
SIMON: Yes.
It's that house over there.
Yeah, the small one.
Over there.
Yeah, there's a path.
Open your eyes.
Take the path. Just take the path and go.
All right.
WOMAN: Are you stupid?
Go down the path.
This way! (OFF) WOMAN: Just keep walking.
Oh, hi.
Careful on that top step.
Guess it's down here.
MILES: Come on down.
MARJORIE: I want to go to that house.
Would anyone like more beans?
I dream of beanie.
Did you just say, I dream of beanie?
Oh my God.
Beyond my wildest beans.
You know, it's so funny.
We thought you lived up in the large, white house.
The mansion up on the hill,
the big, white mansion.
But we're not there.
No.
How else do you think we would accumulate wealth?
Ah. (ON) MILES: We scrimp, we save.
We live below our means in the guest house of our own mansion.
Why don't people do that?
And a TikToker lives in our mansion.
I love TikTok.
And this is Sugar Belle.
She lives under the table.
[LAUGHTER]
Would anyone like some more water?
Hmm.
Thank you.
You know, your art here is so evocative.
DAVINA: Oh, yes.
Really, though.
The horse, kind of classic symbol of aristocracy.
I love the back legs.
Pardon me.
Sheldon intimated that perhaps you lot
had skipped some rehearsals and were
squandering our investment.
THIMBERLY: Don't start, Miles.
It is a fair line of inquiry, Thimberly.
It was a creative decision.
(On) SAM: Yeah.
We needed to take a beat, come back to it fresh.
Young man, that's a waste of our funds.
Miles, can I just ask, is
that your actual shoulder muscle,
or is that a shoulder pad? Can I--
Oh.
Oh my God.
Wow, Miles.
It's a muscle.
Oh!
Muscle, muscle, muscle.
Hercules.
My secret is I don't eat breakfast or lunch.
And then for dinner--
almost nothing.
And then you have to keep moving all the time.
Never stop moving and stay low.
Always keep moving because it keeps the pounds off and will
keep your metabolism high.
Move, move, move, move, move.
Keep moving.
And stay low when I walk, lower than you would think.
Never stop moving.
And that's why I'm fit as a fiddle.
Bravo.
MARJORIE: Bravo. (OFF) CLARA: I love you guys.
That sounds hard, fella.
I show no signs of slowing down.
No, you don't.
Oh, thank you.
Do you know clapping push-ups?
I do those too.
Miles, if you can do that, you have to!
No, I'm not going to do them.
I really-- I really--
I beg thee!
For you, perhaps, young lady.
SIMON: Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Lucky day.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Let's see.
Miles!
Miles, Miles, Miles, Miles, Miles.
The inspiration!
And--
[CLAPS AND THUD]
RUDIE: He must be exhausted.
SAM: Oh my god. (ON) MARJORIE: Miles?
Miles? (ON) SIMON: Bro.
Miles?
Is he dead or is he just being silly?
Miles!
Sam, what did you do?
Miles, don't go.
Not yet.
Don't leave me alone with the staff.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
[WARMUP VOCALIZATIONS]
Hello, hello.
Hello, Corden!
Corden.
Corden, Corden!
How you doing, man?
Amazing. (ON) MARJORIE: There we go.
I'm back. (ON) RUDIE: How was Channing?
Was he nice?
Did you make, like, $1,000,000?
Channing was-- was chill, yeah.
We had fun.
And my starmeter raised 19%.
So that counts for something.
But it feels good to be back here with you guys.
You're like family to me in that I don't know you that well,
but I care about you. (ON) DAVINA: That's so sweet.
Yeah.
And before anybody asks, no, I haven't changed too much.
Well, your body hasn't changed.
That's for sure.
Yeah, your body hasn't changed either.
Please, how can you tell?
I'm swimming in this thing.
Miles is dead.
No shit.
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, looks like it might rain.
Rain might clear away the smoke from all those factory farms.
Oh, boy.
Sit down here to my morning paper.
[LAUGHS]
[THUNDER]
[RAIN FALLING]
Home sweet home.
This is our third home, due to factory fires.
So excuse me, mama.
I'm going to go show you where Buck is now.
Said I'm drunk on raspberry cordials.
Yes, I am.
[THUNDER]
Oh, my grandmamma, grandpappy, and the house.
Oh, the house before we lost it in the factory fire.
[THUNDER]
There it is, that familiar smell,
the factory fire.
We've had three this year already.
What's one more?
I've lost all my friends in those fires.
It's blazing!
[COUGHING]
[APPLAUSE]
Do they even like it?
It was so lukewarm.
God.
I'm used to standing fucking ovations.
Sam's extremely green.
Give her a break. She's in menopause.
She's an idiot.
Yeah, it kind of sucks being back.
We would love to dedicate tonight's performance,
y'all, to somebody who is dead.
[LAUGHS]
Our guy who is a part of the community theater and we
love him.
He's dope.
Miles, we love you, and we miss you.
Come back.
No, he can't.
[LAUGHS]
But, Thimberly, we are here with you, girl.
Oh, why!
No, I mean, we can always
change that blocking and stuff. (ON) MARJORIE: Oh my god.
Paparazzi. Is it Zac Efron?
RUDIE: Wait a second.
Is this for me?
Oh my God.
Oh my God, congrats.
Great preview.
It's a start, you know.
What's this?
They're just doing a story on my little theater.
Congratulations.
I'm Rudie.
Yeah, we've met.
She's here every day.
You know, your hair looks so rad,
all piled up like a sea goddess.
Can I touch it?
Come on, I think we should have stopped at rad.
No one stopped her? No one stopped her?
No, we should get out of here.
We're mucking up your whole setup here.
Hey, great work on everything, you guys.
You really nailed it today.
Big things for you.
Wow.
Thank you, Rudie.
SAM: Good job, Rudie.
R-U-D-I-E.
I really want you to come see my show, Oil & Rancor.
It's at the Yellow Goat.
I would be absolutely delighted to.
OK, great. I'll put you on the list.
No, I want to buy a ticket.
I want to support.
It's sold out.
I'll-- I'll throw your name in the list.
Sold out?
That's so great.
I just can't even freaking
believe that ghosts are real.
But they sure are.
Because I'm one.
We have a saying.
If there's a factory fire, it's probably Tuesday.
I killed daddy!
[APPLAUSE]
Follow me on Instagram.
Yes?
Are you from Down South?
I love grits.
Does that count?
Yes?
I have a question for you.
It seemed water wastey.
Are we not in a drought?
[SIGHS] Did you get the free tickets OK, Meg?
Yeah. (ON) SAM: All the comps?
Yeah? Good.
All right.
Any other questions from anyone here tonight?
Anyone else?
CLARA: Oh, that guy has a question.
SIMON: Mm-mm.
That's all the time we have.
Thank you for supporting live theater.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
[APPLAUSE]
This is such a relief.
I never get a female driver.
Interesting.
What's interesting?
Seems it would go against the idea of feminism
to presuppose, huh, we have the same values because
of our exterior appearance or presumed plumbing,
even to assume, young lady, that I'm not dangerous.
Yeah, right here is good.
Where?
Um, just really anywhere.
Not yet.
OK, look.
Right here.
What the?
Oh my-- (OFF) DRIVER: That's right.
Cash, stolen guns.
Stolen guns.
Holy shit.
I'm terrified.
Of course you are.
I need to get out of this car right now.
You don't.
OK.
I'm sorry that I felt safe.
I certainly take it back.
Where are we going?
I've got a couple of errands.
Hey, just wanted to take a quick picture,
just to prove that I dropped you off.
What?
DRIVER: Got it. (ON) SAM: You're psychotic.
There are privacy laws.
Bye!
Thank you.
GREGGY: Hey, Sam.
It's Greggy.
Listen, I heard you didn't get any standing O's in previews?
Yikes.
Anyway, I told you, meet me.
Chess Cafe, OK?
I'm here most afternoons, hanging out with
my new community of cool buds.
It was a crisp summer day.
I was eating a plum.
Plums are sweet and nectary.
Where can you find a plum tree in the city?
I've never seen one.
Yet in my childhood, on a crisp summer day,
I did pluck the plums and eat them slowly.
Plum!
The year is 8005.
A great plague is upon us.
I feel lost.
I am lost.
But aren't you?
Aren't we all?
Who could love me?
Who?
I've tried my whole life!
[DISCORDANT PLAYING]
That's called America as we know it.
[SOBBING] Help!
Why aren't you helping me?
Don't look.
Help!
Oh!
Cords, so many cords!
My neck.
my spine, my ass, surrounded by cords!
I can't escape the cords!
Everywhere I go-- cords.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
Y'all, sit down, sit down.
I wrote this play for my soul, for your soul,
for your soul, your soul, for all of our souls.
Theater is connection.
Art is connection.
And I believe that I was put on this earth to connect.
Every single one of y'all in this audience is tribe.
And the vibe is always for the tribe.
You know what I'm saying?
And on that note, white theater with a capital W,
your day has come and gone.
Sorry.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Star!
A plum is juicy.
Plum!
Oh my God.
You're a genius!
Thank you.
Oh, I should have got you flowers.
You crushed it.
Oh, no worries.
I'm actually on my way out the door.
Me and the cast are going to go party.
Oh, that's fun.
What do you put in the water here, and can you bottle it?
I'll take 245 bottles, please.
That's the capacity of the Regis.
Oh, stop it.
Your show is so good.
I've never gotten a standing O like that before.
That was so magical.
Oh, well, you know, you can't measure
yourself on that type of crap.
I can, and I do.
Sorry.
It's your night.
It's not about all this.
It is my night.
It was so amazing.
I literally feel like a queen.
Everyone was clapping so much-- clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.
Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap. It was so loud.
It's like my ears are still ringing from the clap,
clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.
I mean, you felt it.
Yes, I was-- it was loud.
It was crazy.
It's incredible that you
have your own crowd that came out and just
supports you like that.
The Regis has a built-in audience.
I feel like you got your own crowd too.
I know, but white theater's over
so I guess I need a new job.
Oh.
You took that personal?
No, I'm kidding with you.
I said white theater with a capital W. Yeah, I
felt comfortable enough in the moment
to express the sentiment that the theater
establishment is musty.
I didn't say you.
I don't even know how we got on this topic.
You were mad I got a standing O. Remember that?
Yeah, because if you never get one, that's on you, love.
Whoa. Come on.
I'm not trying to make this about me.
I'm just in this weird situation where
everyone's comparing me to this man
who has 20 years of experience.
And it's not fair, like.
OK, you know what?
I don't feel supported in this visit.
Yeah, this-- this is draining.
You have some blind spots.
Me?
Yeah.
Big time.
If you feel anything less than grateful
for an opportunity that was literally
plopped into your lap, you got to reconsider.
I'm not the person to talk to about this.
What?
I mean, come on.
I-- what-- what can I do to be better, then?
It actually reminds me of this joke.
What's the difference between a thoughtful white person
and a thoughtless white person?
What?
Nothing.
I should have learned my lesson with Lena Dunham,
but I simply love Girls.
For what it's worth, I didn't love her play.
But I thought it was just so good.
Of course you did.
[SCOFFS]
Thank you for understanding
that I'm going to need you to pay up front now.
Yeah.
So I saw Star's play and just-- boom,
standing ovation right away.
I'm like, what am I doing?
I feel like I have nothing to say.
You're having a breakthrough.
I am?
You don't have much to say.
Well, let me say this--
give me all my money back, addict!
I don't have it.
What?
I spent it.
Sam, I have a gambling addiction.
Good god.
I never I was perfect!
I-- I do have something to say.
Ow.
You hurt my hand!
OK.
OK, you need to pay for this.
Oh my goodness.
I fucking paid at the beginning.
That is my bad. You did.
I apologize.
Please excuse me.
I have to step away from this, for I
must attend opening night of my directorial debut
at the Regis Theater.
Sounds like you don't need me anymore.
I guess I'll just jump off a bridge.
Meg!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
No, daddy. No.
Hey, guys.
Slap looks fantastic.
Corden, it's been so nice having you back at the Regis.
Oh, I told you I'd be back as long as you let me
miss almost all the rehearsals.
And you're a man of your word.
Now, mama. (ON) MARJORIE: Yeah.
Papa.
My vet and my pro, I've got a new monologue for each of you.
On opening night?
Enjoy the show.
Let's do this warm-up for Miles.
Hell yeah.
Love you, Miles.
I feel you here.
What's coming in?
Rain's coming in.
Hmm.
This world, I see it with new eyes now--
white privilege, infrastructure designed
to support us while cutting the other out
of the American dream.
Generational wealth!
And don't you even get me started on so-called illegals.
Hmph.
You know who the biggest illegal of all was, don't you?
why, Mr. Christopher Columbus.
Capitalism chews up and spits out the have-nots.
And for what?
The almighty dollar.
Yeah, just look at our--
our public school systems and the prison industrial complex.
Yeah, that's a great example.
And it's-- it's all by design.
So think about that.
[COUGHING]
[THUNDER]
I love advertising.
It's about balance, something I never had in this house.
Because you tore through this family like a factory fire,
Mama.
I may be a ghost, but I'm still here!
Oh, the wrath of those I bore and those I raised
is like a weight tied to my torso, dragging me
and all my good intentions downward toward oblivion.
[THUNDER]
Rain's coming in.
[THUNDER]
Shame, shame on your fake rain!
We are in a water crisis.
Oh, dinner's ready.
Mama, we ought to invite Buck.
Lillie Mae's sweet on him.
Oh, my husband Buck, the-- the father
of my unborn child!
And, yes, I am pregnant!
Buck!
[THUNDER]
Shame, shame, shame, shame.
Shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame,
shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame,
shame, shame, shame, shame!
[APPLAUSE]
Yeah, yeah.
Fuck you!
[APPLAUSE]
Shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame,
shame, shame, shame, shame.
Oh!
Ow!
How do you have so much paint in this theater?
I don't get it.
But I want to thank our season ticket holders
because you make this possible.
When it's good, you make that possible.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart,
and I want you to know your hard-earned cash
isn't going to waste.
The Q&A is still on!
It was a colorful evening, obviously.
But, yeah, does anyone have a question
for any of these brilliant souls up here?
Let's focus on the work.
Let's focus on the work, huh?
Sam, you've admitted yourself publicly
that you're not Southern.
OK.
So at a time when authenticity reigns supreme,
you are inauthentic.
Why?
What can she do, right?
She's supposed to write a play about a writer
who becomes a director?
And then directs that?
Man.
I think that'd be a hall of mirrors.
[LAUGHTER]
Who wrote Peter Pan, a pirate?
Think about it.
Martin McDonagh wrote a whole movie about Missouri
from across the pond.
Or the dream-- he wrote Single Ladies, and he's a man!
All right, they've been working really hard to put
on a great show for you guys.
They really have, OK?
So they would love a question, in spite
of all the weird setbacks with environmentalists apparently
just kind of pegging me and Clara, which
is sort of sexist in a way.
Weird.
Sexist environmentalists.
OK. (ON) SIMON: What's up, man?
Hello, sir.
Here.
Oh, oh.
I'm not sexist.
Oh.
Thanks, Sam.
Oh, wait.
I really do have a question.
Where is this play set?
The Deep South.
No, you cannot ask a question.
Yeah, you don't get a question, honeybun!
Well, it's clearly a fictional location
with conflicting cultural and geographical references
and accents and costumes.
Ugh, you coastal elites,
you love our cracker barrels and our Southern plays
and our need for jet skis and ferrets,
but you sneer at rural values when
you get in the voting booth.
OK, I'd rather not enter a full
political discussion right now.
Oh, watch whiteness work.
What does that mean?
Why don't you treat water as a precious resource?
My God, look at all the water
coming up and down my tits!
Oh, go, go, go, go, go.
Why isn't grief linear?
Why does it spin relentlessly around like a tornado?
Why are you a Jew?
Why did you sleep with me?
Really?
I'm your subordinate
in a professional setting.
Well, I was drunk!
You know I was drunk.
That's why.
That's why I would sleep with you, because I was drunk.
Booze hound!
CLARA: Sam, not an usher.
Oh, OK, Greggy.
She fucked Greggy.
Yeah.
Yeah, she did.
To bring that here.
Apologize!
Apologize.
Apologize, apologize, apologize.
Oh, oh!
Apologize, apologize!
Don't listen to them, Sam!
All right, Greggy, that's not helping.
All right?
That's not helping.
You're not even supposed to be in this building.
Apologize, apologize, apologize!
For what?
What do you want me to apologize for?
You ever think about that?
What do you want me to apologize for?
I can't even hear each thing!
You want me to apologize because I wasn't thinking about water?
Because I fucked some weird psycho?
Because I'm not Southern?
Sorry. Sorry.
I'm a Jew.
Help.
I'm drowning in white woman tears.
Jews aren't white. (ON) WOMAN: They are to me.
You think I don't know I suck?
I suck.
I know that.
And this is a group of basic amateurs.
Basic?
Yeah, who are probably going to-- let's be frank.
They're going to live and die on this shitty stage.
Hey!
Yeah, I don't know--
But I tried.
I tried, and no one's happy.
I can barely pay my rent.
I don't know whose dream this is, but it's not mine.
I just realized that right now.
It's not mine.
Caring is one piece of the puzzle.
Talent is another.
Then you write a fucking play, Rudie!
OK.
That's it.
Yeah, you can write it with this stupid audience!
Sheldon, are you going to do anything?
Shut up, Clara!
There's no one waiting in the wings.
There's no man who's going to come out and fucking save you.
Do you get it?
You're being scary girl right now.
I know. I'm going to shut down.
Sheldon is not coming, because Sheldon's
a fucking pussy.
But no one sees that.
Because if anyone in this entire theater is a pussy,
Sheldon is a pussy.
Sheldon is a pussy!
[SOUTHERN MUSIC]
It's over.
We've reached an impasse.
Great.
Don't think I forgot how you flirted
with Miles, ogling his muscles, begging
him to fatally exert himself.
Please understand, I had zero
attraction to your husband.
He is out of your league.
Wouldn't have touched you with a 10-foot pole, which he had,
by the way.
Trust is broken, and maybe you are too.
Oh, maybe so.
Yeah.
In brighter news, someone familiar with the play
has graciously thrown his hat into the ring.
Oh, who, pray tell?
Rudie.
Oh, perfect.
We felt it made sense.
Did ya?
Maybe tell Rudie that actors are not hyenas
or whatever mythical shit you ascribe to them.
They're just very stupid people.
I see.
Everything is the man's fault.
In this case, yes.
No, look inward, Sam.
I do.
I go to therapy every week with one of the best
therapists in this country.
And this is where it brought me, this shitty fucking office.
I hated this job.
And this trophy, I've been looking at it.
I fucking hate it.
Eh!
Gah!
Can't even knock over a trophy.
I fucking hate this place.
I quit.
You're fired.
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]
Sam, you finally made it.
How do you like my new office?
It's kind of gross.
These are some of my buddies
who have also made mistakes.
You're one of us now, one of the outcasts.
I'm sorry.
Are there no levels here?
Everyone's just clumped together with me, a woman who had
a minor outburst at a theater?
Protesters got you ruffled, huh?
I see you're wearing all black.
Are you in mourning for your life?
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah.
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
It's over.
I'm out.
Rudie's directing.
Rudie?
He's great, very competent.
He has zero directing experience.
But he seems competent.
You know what I do when I feel low, when I feel down?
I just meditate on all those standing O's.
[SIGHS]
Oh, hey.
I have got some exciting news in the Greggy Land department.
What?
I think I finagled myself a gig with--
drum roll-- Nickelodeon.
What?
Maybe I'll put in a word.
That would be so huge for me right now
if you would really do that.
Got you.
Thanks.
Hey, can I put my hands
on both sides of your butt?
I'm doing this book about butt measurements.
And I think--
I'm an idiot.
Desperation, and you smelled it on me.
Of course.
Don't salute me.
Fucking weirdos, you ruin people's lives.
Hey, the book is legit, all right?
And I'm serious about Nickelodeon.
Sam!
Rudie rules.
I love him.
I love the confidence.
Sorry.
With Rudie, it feels right.
I just have to say that. It just does.
It's so automatic, so organic.
We're like Laurel and Hardy, just two total freaks.
The woman has lost power.
The man is in power.
And everyone is happy.
Rudie doesn't care how people see him.
I like that.
You don't care about people.
That's my shit.
Yeah, he's a--
he's an alpha.
Objectively, that's better for the play,
if you believe in objectivity.
I don't.
I'm going to go be in Star's play.
She's special, you know?
She lets there be water where Rudie is brick.
Can't build a house with brick, but you
can build a lake with water.
I just realized I have K in my pocket.
Why did I take over?
Why does a wild dog attack a water buffalo?
It's not my fault Sam is weak or like a mom.
Don't act like I'm the only person who hates their mother.
Most people do.
Hmm.
They brought us into this mess.
What was the game plan?
I mean, literally everything bad that happens to us
is their fault.
I'm a Republican.
[LAUGHS]
(SINGING) I don't need a mother, one to call my own.
I don't need a mother; the theater is my home.
[APPLAUSE]
The best day of my life!
I realized I don't like the arts.
It's extremely manic.
I love it here.
Everything is in its place.
There's order.
I'm content.
I'm finally content.
Finance, who knew?
And they say they may have a full-time position opening up.
So we'll see.
But I'm very happy.
[PHONE RINGING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
SINGER: (SINGING) Trying to give you up-- fiasco.
When I'm not with you, I'm in airplane mode.
Trying to give you up--
fiasco.
When I'm not with you, I'm stuck in airplane mode.
Airplane mode, airplane mode, airplane mode, airplane mode.
Had to give you up.
Didn't choose to.
I don't feel like me when I'm not with you.
You will always come, but you never stay.
We will always fall and go our separate ways.
How did I start walking down this lonely road?
Lonely road.
That will always take me as I grow more alone.
I miss our contact.
I miss holding hands.
This be aching.
Trying to give you up-- fiasco.
When I'm not with you, I'm in airplane mode.
Trying to give you up--
fiasco.
When I'm not with you, I'm stuck in airplane mode.
In a silk robe drinking coffee all alone.
You know nothing good ever happens in my phone.
I took a wrong turn at a fork in the road.
Now I'm drinking coffee in my silk robe.
Now I'm all alone drinking coffee in my robe.
Oh!
Airplane mode.
I'm all alone, baby.
Trying give you up--
fiasco.
Ah!
When I'm not with you, I'm in airplane mode.
Trying to give you up--
fiasco.
Can't give you up, baby!
When I'm not with you, I'm stuck in airplane mode.
Airplane mode, airplane mode, baby.
Trying to give you up--
fiasco.
When I'm not with you, I'm in airplane mode.
Trying to give you up--
fiasco.
When I'm not with you, I'm stuck in airplane mode.
Airplane mode, airplane mode, airplane mode, airplane mode.
[SOBBING]