HE SNARLS
Ah!
MOANS WITH PLEASURE
MUFFLED VOICE: Abs? Abs!
Abs!
Amrita.
Cab to your place, yeah?
OK? Yeah.
Right, erm...
HE MOANS
What have I done? What have I done?
I can't control it any more!
The thirst!
NHS blood bags, my own cousin.
Who's next?
You? You, or my... or my own mum?
No.
I'm a vampire.
Ya Allah, I'm a fucking vampire, what do I do, Amrita?
Abs, Abs, listen to me, you're gonna be OK.
You just need to hide out for a bit, yeah?
I was gonna tell you.
But I've been offered this placement in Australia.
Look, I didn't know if I was gonna take it,
but after tonight...
why don't you come with me?
What are you talking about?
Australia.
You and me.
What about the... sunshine
and the casual racism and the...
BOTH: Terrible food! Yeah.
All things that will be a hell of a lot easier...
...if we face them together.
BOLLYWOOD MUSIC
Arrey wah, lovers running away from a shaadi.
No! Yes.
SHE CHUCKLES Come on.
Allahu Akbar.
I sent Shafi to look for you.
And he found me.
And Kathy?
Your wife?
Gone.
We were never really together.
SHE GASPS
Shukar Alhamdulillah.
Ya Allah!
I hurt Shafi, Mum.
What do you mean you hurt him?
He was bleeding everywhere. How?
I... bit him.
Did he taste good? SHE CHUCKLES
I'm a monster, Mum.
You're not a monster, Abdulla.
You may not be the best Muslim, but you're still my son.
You don't know what I've become,
or the things I've done.
I'm dangerous.
Stop it, Abdulla. You're frightening me.
There are people after me. What people?
Scary people. What are you talking about?
And they'll hurt you too, OK?
I have to go away, Mum. There's no other way.
No, no, no, no, you're not doing this to me.
There's no other way, Mum. No, you're not leaving me.
There's no other way. No, first Rizwan, and then you!
No, you will not leave me!
No, look, I love you. No!
I love you so much, I really do, but I really have to go, OK?
It's the only way to keep you safe.
Please, Abdulla, where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go, OK?
Australia.
T-T-Tomorrow. SHE GASPS
I'm so sorry, Mum, OK?
I'm sorry for everything. Abdulla, please!
I'm really sorry. Abdulla, no, wait!
Slow down, Bushra Auntie.
What's going on?
Who's going to Australia tomorrow?
Abdulla? Australia? That's sick!
Them hench kangaroos will do him!
I'll call you back, Auntie, I promise.
I came cos I thought you said he was dying! What happened?
Er... Well, Shafi didn't want us to tell you, but...
Abdulla sucked on your fiance's neck like it was a Capri Sun.
SLURPS AND LAUGHS
Shafi, is this true?
Are you happy now, boys, yeah?
You pushed Abdulla into living life by your rules
and look what happened.
Don't you get it, baby?
Go on, big man ting, tell her. Abdulla is a...
I'm a...
Vampire. MEN SQUEAL
Oh, my days, how'd you guys get in here?
You called for us.
999 said it would be a seven-hour wait.
You lot were quick!
Do you want us here or not?
Yo!
Argh, argh!
Still bleeding, my dear.
Yeah! For a few hours now, come on.
He did try to lick it earlier, I'm not gonna lie, bro.
You was moving crazy. I couldn't help it, man!
I can feel it already. The thirst.
See what I mean?
He's gonna bite us! Get off me, man!
That's rather curious, as you're certainly not a vampire.
How are you so sure?
A single bite only has a small chance
of transmitting vampirovirus.
There wouldn't be any bleeding if you were.
Can we not encourage this nonsense, please?
But we would like to know a little about the one who did this to you.
Abdulla, I believe his name was?
Whoa, how did you know that, huh?
What, this some kind of Prevent scheme you running, or what?
Nah, you know what, if my stupid little cousin
just wants to get on a plane and fuck off to Australia
first thing tomorrow, without telling me...
Yeah, true, bro! ...he's got another ting coming.
He's catching a flight, is he?
Yeah, not if I can help it.
Wait, you're not gonna take him in? Come on!
He'll be fine, as long as he stops all that... licking.
Dead paramedics! So we're sure, yeah?
Boys, listen in.
We gotta kill Abs. Yeah, yeah. Man's ready for anyting. Come on.
What do you mean kill? Like, dead?
If we can get to the airport before he does tomorrow,
we can make sure he never gets on that plane.
You know man has bare links at Heathrow as well. That's true.
Shafi, you can't be serious right now?
Baby girl, I love you,
but this community's more important than anything.
Right, if we leave him alive, who knows who he'll bite next?
Nobody! He's not a vampire!
You... You just need to tell him there's a way back, yeah?
You need to forgive him.
Baby, you cannot be a Muslim and a vampire, OK?
I won't let you do this. I just... I can't.
Baby girl... Yo, yo, yo, do you want me to stop her, bro?
Nah, it's fine. Just let her go, man.
There's nobody stopping Shafi the vampire slayer.
Come on! My guy! What a dialogue. Yeah, man.
Come on, that was big.
Boo!
Hi!
You know, I fancied you since the first day of...
Took you long enough to say it, though, didn't it?
I had to wait for a white boy phase to be well and truly over.
Oh, it's happened again! Yeah.
THEY CHUCKLE
Can't you try the clear sun cream?
That's my passport, and there's my ticket.
Please just step aside, sir. What's going on?
Oh, this happens all the time, flying while Muslim.
I'll check us in, all right?
See you at the gate. See you.
I tried my best, you know?
I stunted his dating life by sending him to a boys' school.
I gave him a fresh bowl cut every year
so he was never at risk of being popular.
I put aloo gobi in his sandwiches so...
Shafi's gonna kill him if we don't get to him first.
Kill him? Why? Cos of their little...
We need to find Kathy.
She's the one who started all this, right?
Surely she knows what's going on.
Before we start, I should tell you I had a pint for breakfast,
a bacon sarnie for lunch
and I don't give two shits about Palestine.
HE CHUCKLES
Shit, that normally works.
You aren't particularly vulnerable gingers, are you?
No.
No, OK.
Reason for traveling?
Oh, me and my girlfriend are moving to Australia.
So you're an immigrant? We prefer the term ex-pat, actually.
Do you have extreme views about our community?
Extreme views?
I've not been to the mosque in months.
Are your loyalties divided?
I cried when England won the Euros.
Is this an attempt to access benefits?
Benefits? No, I'm a doctor!
Are you infiltrating our coven to bring it down from the inside?
Coven? HISS
Haye Allah!
Argh! Oh!
We're terribly sorry, Dr Khan.
But if we let everyone into the vampiric brotherhood,
well, being a vampire wouldn't mean very much at all.
Let me go!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Forget the sensitivity training? We were just finishing up.
See ya!
Oh, yes!
Oh! Oh, Rish! KNOCK AT DOOR
Yes! Oh! Ah!
Aaaah!
I think you should get that. KNOCKING CONTINUES
SHE SIGHS Kath?
We're not finished yet!
Finishing's not the point of tantric.
Just get the door! Ugh.
Oh. It's Abdulla's mum and the sweet-smelling lady.
Come to join in?
Oh, I... er...
It's Abdulla! We need your help.
Something's going down at Heathrow.
It's not my problem any more.
Please, Kathy, he's all I've got.
I wish I could help, Mrs Khan,
but, er... I've got chakras to realign.
Please, Kathy, Kathy!
Kathy, please, open the door.
Who was that? Oh, it's... it's nothing, really.
It's, erm... just the... the Muslim kid, you know?
He's...
got himself into a little conflict at the airport.
Typical, really.
So you're just gonna leave him?
You know the coven run that place?
Well, I didn't know we'd be having so much fun.
Oh, Kath! What have I been trying to teach you?
I didn't realise THIS was teaching.
Wellness, karma, vegetarianism, it's all meaningless
if you're just gonna do exactly what you did to me back in the '90s.
That's not the same! There's nothing I can do for him.
You're my progeny.
If they kill him, they'll kill you, too!
Yeah, maybe I just need to accept that.
I've been around long enough.
And surely it's too late to s...
It's never too late to spread a little love, Kath.
In this life or the next.
We're immortal, you fuck. We don't get a next life!
SHE GASPS
All the more reason to make this one count, then, eh?
Unless...
Yeah.
Amrita, we need to get on the plane. What's going on?
The coven are here!
Sun cream, shit!
I don't get it, what's wrong?
Look, you need to go on without me. Abs, I can't.
Trust me, Amrita. Abs...
Go! No, Abs!
Whoa!
Shafi?
Sun's out, guns in, huh? Can't out-muscle me in the daylight.
Oh, God, you're one of them now too, aren't you?
No. Argh! Ugh.
Immune system's too strong for that vampire shit!
What are you doing here, then?
I came to apologise, fam.
Might be a vampire, but you're still a Muslim. Uh-huh.
And that makes you my brother. OK.
No matter what... Yeah, that's great... great, Shafi.
We need to... Ah!
Oh, shit!
Come on, bruv.
Look, we can hide in here. Come, come, come, come, come.
Ah, no, what if I burn up?
You know, like in the movies, when a vampire enters a church?
Abs, you are a Muslim vampire, OK? If our religion is true,
the only place you're burning up is in an actual mosque.
Are you sure we can't go someplace else?
I need you to take this leap of faith with me, yeah?
You have to step through, for all Muslims everywhere.
Come on, bruv. I'm right here.
Bismillah.
Ah. Allahu Akbar!
Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!
I was right! You can't scream that in an airport!
You really did think I was gonna burn up, didn't you?
Not for a second, brother.
But it wouldn't have mattered anyway.
Get him, boys! What?
Come on, come here.
You bastard, what the hell are you doing?
Sorry, cuz. It's the only way, innit!
I trusted you, Shafi!
Get off! Take this, vampire!
What the fuck would you bring a cross for, bruv?
We're Muslims.
My nan brought back this Zamzam water back from Mecca.
Yeah, bang it, bang it, bang it. Bang that, bang that.
I'm pretty sure that's just Evian, you prick.
Why the fuck didn't we bring the stakes for, brev?
Cos you stuck it all on the barbecue.
No, I mean... Oh, mashallah.
Typical Shafi, hasn't even done his homework
before hunting vampires.
Nah, man, shut up, I got this.
We're gonna have to strip him, boys.
Huh?
Strip him down, brev!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Erm, I'll go...
No, Auntie, we don't have time.
Let's go straight up here, yeah? OK. OK.
HE CHUCKLES Come on!
Maajid? Is that you?
Er... No, no, sorry.
Hey! Wait!
Where is he?! Where's... Where's who?
I-I-I don't... My flight's about to leave!
Tell me where he is,
or I'll tell your mum what you really put in your shisha pipe.
Eh? Oh!
No, no, not me, Aunt...
Hey!
Internet says you gotta...
you gotta chop off his head and burn the body.
Muslims don't burn bodies, brev.
Border Force! Hand him over!
Oh, wait, you man are border security now?
We're whoever we need to be to clear up any...
impurities in the bloodline.
Now, please, stand aside.
I'd rather die than hand over a brother to the Home Office!
Hands off my boy!
Mum, no!
Shafi, they were too strong for me,
but I... I've got snacks. I've got Boost.
Auntie Bushra? She knows all our mums!
Get away from him, you bitch... es.
Let go of me.
Let go of him! Now! Auntie Bushy, stay back!
Mum, please! HISSING
Don't you realise who we are?!
This is His Majesty's Vampire Coven!
Yeah, yeah, well, a real Muslim never deserts one of their own.
Didn't you want to kill me literally a minute ago?
I'm busy.
COUGHING
In use!
Let him go! Auntie, please, please!
ALL SHOUTING
Unhand him! Unhand him now!
No, please!
Stop!
Everyone, please, stop!
Look, maybe these guys are right, OK?
Maybe there was never meant to be a Muslim vampire.
I mean, I've never been the best Muslim,
and clearly I'm a terrible vampire.
Mum.
Amrita.
Even you, Shafi.
I-I-I know you want what's best for me,
but, look, maybe there really is no other way.
I don't want anyone dying for my sake,
so, please, let me go.
Abs, stop, man! You can't...
I-I-I love you, Mum. But you have to let me go.
No, Abdulla, you can't do this! Please...
Mum, Shafi? Come on!
Abdulla! Do your worst.
Abs, man! Why is he doing this?
MURMURS PRAYER
Hold it right there!
Fucking hell.
Kathy and the Hindu vampire?
You just had to get involved, didn't you?
Yeah, well, anything to fuck with the Bullingdon coven.
You can't kill us, Charlie boy.
Passport-holding vampires, we are!
You're no vampires.
Just a low class piece of scum and a Paki...
HISS
How many times do I have to tell you? I'm Indian.
He looks familiar.
You need to trust me now, Mr Abdulla.
Remember what you're doing, Rish?
Yeah, I think so. Let's go.
What's your name, son? Abdulla. Abdulla Khan.
Right, then. On your knees.
Blood of my blood, I summon thee.
Abdulla Khan, thou art my progeny.
Urgh!
Ugh!
KATHY: Blood of my blood. Blood of my blood.
Blood of my blood!
Blood of my blood.
Blood of my blood!
Namaste, you posh twats.
You can't kill him now!
THEY HISS
Oh, my God.
Rizwan?
My father?
No, no, son. The term is maker.
Rizwan?
Rishi?
Oh, it is you!
You look so young!
Oh, Bushra! Oh, my gosh, you look so...
...old.
So I'm half-Hindu now, too?
Haye Allah!
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