1 00:00:00,043 --> 00:00:02,003 HE SNARLS 2 00:00:02,003 --> 00:00:03,003 Ah! 3 00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:05,363 MOANS WITH PLEASURE 4 00:00:09,683 --> 00:00:13,363 MUFFLED VOICE: Abs? Abs! 5 00:00:13,363 --> 00:00:15,003 Abs! 6 00:00:16,003 --> 00:00:17,203 Amrita. 7 00:00:22,203 --> 00:00:24,523 Cab to your place, yeah? 8 00:00:24,523 --> 00:00:26,003 OK? Yeah. 9 00:00:27,003 --> 00:00:30,683 Right, erm... 10 00:00:30,683 --> 00:00:33,003 HE MOANS 11 00:00:34,003 --> 00:00:36,003 What have I done? What have I done? 12 00:00:36,003 --> 00:00:38,003 I can't control it any more! 13 00:00:38,003 --> 00:00:40,003 The thirst! 14 00:00:41,003 --> 00:00:44,003 NHS blood bags, my own cousin. 15 00:00:44,003 --> 00:00:46,003 Who's next? 16 00:00:46,003 --> 00:00:50,363 You? You, or my... or my own mum? 17 00:00:50,363 --> 00:00:52,003 No. 18 00:00:52,003 --> 00:00:54,003 I'm a vampire. 19 00:00:54,003 --> 00:00:58,003 Ya Allah, I'm a fucking vampire, what do I do, Amrita? 20 00:00:58,003 --> 00:01:01,003 Abs, Abs, listen to me, you're gonna be OK. 21 00:01:03,003 --> 00:01:05,843 You just need to hide out for a bit, yeah? 22 00:01:08,003 --> 00:01:09,003 I was gonna tell you. 23 00:01:10,363 --> 00:01:13,003 But I've been offered this placement in Australia. 24 00:01:13,003 --> 00:01:15,003 Look, I didn't know if I was gonna take it, 25 00:01:15,003 --> 00:01:17,003 but after tonight... 26 00:01:17,003 --> 00:01:19,003 why don't you come with me? 27 00:01:19,003 --> 00:01:21,003 What are you talking about? 28 00:01:21,003 --> 00:01:22,003 Australia. 29 00:01:23,003 --> 00:01:26,003 You and me. 30 00:01:27,003 --> 00:01:29,683 What about the... sunshine 31 00:01:29,683 --> 00:01:32,203 and the casual racism and the... 32 00:01:32,203 --> 00:01:34,003 BOTH: Terrible food! Yeah. 33 00:01:36,003 --> 00:01:38,003 All things that will be a hell of a lot easier... 34 00:01:40,003 --> 00:01:41,203 ...if we face them together. 35 00:01:54,003 --> 00:01:56,003 BOLLYWOOD MUSIC 36 00:01:59,003 --> 00:02:02,683 Arrey wah, lovers running away from a shaadi. 37 00:02:02,683 --> 00:02:05,003 No! Yes. 38 00:02:05,003 --> 00:02:07,683 SHE CHUCKLES Come on. 39 00:02:37,003 --> 00:02:38,003 Allahu Akbar. 40 00:02:51,683 --> 00:02:53,203 I sent Shafi to look for you. 41 00:02:53,203 --> 00:02:56,003 And he found me. 42 00:02:56,003 --> 00:02:57,003 And Kathy? 43 00:02:58,003 --> 00:03:00,003 Your wife? 44 00:03:01,523 --> 00:03:03,003 Gone. 45 00:03:04,003 --> 00:03:06,003 We were never really together. 46 00:03:06,003 --> 00:03:08,003 SHE GASPS 47 00:03:08,003 --> 00:03:10,003 Shukar Alhamdulillah. 48 00:03:22,843 --> 00:03:24,003 Ya Allah! 49 00:03:27,003 --> 00:03:29,003 I hurt Shafi, Mum. 50 00:03:29,003 --> 00:03:31,003 What do you mean you hurt him? 51 00:03:31,003 --> 00:03:33,003 He was bleeding everywhere. How? 52 00:03:33,003 --> 00:03:37,003 I... bit him. 53 00:03:37,003 --> 00:03:39,003 Did he taste good? SHE CHUCKLES 54 00:03:39,003 --> 00:03:41,003 I'm a monster, Mum. 55 00:03:41,003 --> 00:03:44,003 You're not a monster, Abdulla. 56 00:03:44,003 --> 00:03:47,003 You may not be the best Muslim, but you're still my son. 57 00:03:49,003 --> 00:03:51,003 You don't know what I've become, 58 00:03:51,003 --> 00:03:53,003 or the things I've done. 59 00:03:55,003 --> 00:03:57,003 I'm dangerous. 60 00:03:57,003 --> 00:03:59,683 Stop it, Abdulla. You're frightening me. 61 00:03:59,683 --> 00:04:02,003 There are people after me. What people? 62 00:04:02,003 --> 00:04:04,003 Scary people. What are you talking about? 63 00:04:04,003 --> 00:04:06,003 And they'll hurt you too, OK? 64 00:04:06,003 --> 00:04:08,003 I have to go away, Mum. There's no other way. 65 00:04:08,003 --> 00:04:10,003 No, no, no, no, you're not doing this to me. 66 00:04:10,003 --> 00:04:12,203 There's no other way, Mum. No, you're not leaving me. 67 00:04:12,203 --> 00:04:15,003 There's no other way. No, first Rizwan, and then you! 68 00:04:15,003 --> 00:04:16,203 No, you will not leave me! 69 00:04:16,203 --> 00:04:18,003 No, look, I love you. No! 70 00:04:18,003 --> 00:04:23,003 I love you so much, I really do, but I really have to go, OK? 71 00:04:23,003 --> 00:04:25,003 It's the only way to keep you safe. 72 00:04:25,003 --> 00:04:27,003 Please, Abdulla, where you gonna go? 73 00:04:27,003 --> 00:04:29,003 Where you gonna go, OK? 74 00:04:29,003 --> 00:04:31,003 Australia. 75 00:04:32,003 --> 00:04:34,843 T-T-Tomorrow. SHE GASPS 76 00:04:34,843 --> 00:04:37,003 I'm so sorry, Mum, OK? 77 00:04:37,003 --> 00:04:39,003 I'm sorry for everything. Abdulla, please! 78 00:04:39,003 --> 00:04:41,003 I'm really sorry. Abdulla, no, wait! 79 00:04:41,003 --> 00:04:42,523 Slow down, Bushra Auntie. 80 00:04:42,523 --> 00:04:44,003 What's going on? 81 00:04:44,003 --> 00:04:46,003 Who's going to Australia tomorrow? 82 00:04:46,003 --> 00:04:49,003 Abdulla? Australia? That's sick! 83 00:04:49,003 --> 00:04:50,523 Them hench kangaroos will do him! 84 00:04:50,523 --> 00:04:53,003 I'll call you back, Auntie, I promise. 85 00:04:53,003 --> 00:04:55,363 I came cos I thought you said he was dying! What happened? 86 00:04:55,363 --> 00:04:58,003 Er... Well, Shafi didn't want us to tell you, but... 87 00:04:58,003 --> 00:05:01,203 Abdulla sucked on your fiance's neck like it was a Capri Sun. 88 00:05:01,203 --> 00:05:03,003 SLURPS AND LAUGHS 89 00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:06,003 Shafi, is this true? 90 00:05:06,003 --> 00:05:08,003 Are you happy now, boys, yeah? 91 00:05:08,003 --> 00:05:10,363 You pushed Abdulla into living life by your rules 92 00:05:10,363 --> 00:05:12,003 and look what happened. 93 00:05:12,003 --> 00:05:13,843 Don't you get it, baby? 94 00:05:15,003 --> 00:05:18,683 Go on, big man ting, tell her. Abdulla is a... 95 00:05:20,003 --> 00:05:21,003 I'm a... 96 00:05:21,003 --> 00:05:23,003 Vampire. MEN SQUEAL 97 00:05:23,003 --> 00:05:25,003 Oh, my days, how'd you guys get in here? 98 00:05:25,003 --> 00:05:26,003 You called for us. 99 00:05:26,003 --> 00:05:28,003 999 said it would be a seven-hour wait. 100 00:05:28,003 --> 00:05:29,003 You lot were quick! 101 00:05:29,003 --> 00:05:31,003 Do you want us here or not? 102 00:05:31,003 --> 00:05:32,003 Yo! 103 00:05:32,003 --> 00:05:34,003 Argh, argh! 104 00:05:34,003 --> 00:05:36,003 Still bleeding, my dear. 105 00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:38,003 Yeah! For a few hours now, come on. 106 00:05:38,003 --> 00:05:40,003 He did try to lick it earlier, I'm not gonna lie, bro. 107 00:05:40,003 --> 00:05:42,003 You was moving crazy. I couldn't help it, man! 108 00:05:42,003 --> 00:05:45,003 I can feel it already. The thirst. 109 00:05:45,003 --> 00:05:46,003 See what I mean? 110 00:05:46,003 --> 00:05:48,003 He's gonna bite us! Get off me, man! 111 00:05:48,003 --> 00:05:52,003 That's rather curious, as you're certainly not a vampire. 112 00:05:52,003 --> 00:05:53,043 How are you so sure? 113 00:05:53,043 --> 00:05:55,003 A single bite only has a small chance 114 00:05:55,003 --> 00:05:57,003 of transmitting vampirovirus. 115 00:05:57,003 --> 00:05:59,003 There wouldn't be any bleeding if you were. 116 00:05:59,003 --> 00:06:02,003 Can we not encourage this nonsense, please? 117 00:06:02,003 --> 00:06:05,003 But we would like to know a little about the one who did this to you. 118 00:06:05,003 --> 00:06:08,003 Abdulla, I believe his name was? 119 00:06:08,003 --> 00:06:10,003 Whoa, how did you know that, huh? 120 00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:12,003 What, this some kind of Prevent scheme you running, or what? 121 00:06:12,003 --> 00:06:14,003 Nah, you know what, if my stupid little cousin 122 00:06:14,003 --> 00:06:16,003 just wants to get on a plane and fuck off to Australia 123 00:06:16,003 --> 00:06:18,003 first thing tomorrow, without telling me... 124 00:06:18,003 --> 00:06:20,003 Yeah, true, bro! ...he's got another ting coming. 125 00:06:20,003 --> 00:06:22,003 He's catching a flight, is he? 126 00:06:22,003 --> 00:06:23,003 Yeah, not if I can help it. 127 00:06:23,003 --> 00:06:25,843 Wait, you're not gonna take him in? Come on! 128 00:06:25,843 --> 00:06:30,003 He'll be fine, as long as he stops all that... licking. 129 00:06:30,003 --> 00:06:32,003 Dead paramedics! So we're sure, yeah? 130 00:06:34,003 --> 00:06:36,003 Boys, listen in. 131 00:06:37,003 --> 00:06:39,363 We gotta kill Abs. Yeah, yeah. Man's ready for anyting. Come on. 132 00:06:39,363 --> 00:06:41,003 What do you mean kill? Like, dead? 133 00:06:41,003 --> 00:06:43,003 If we can get to the airport before he does tomorrow, 134 00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:45,003 we can make sure he never gets on that plane. 135 00:06:45,003 --> 00:06:48,003 You know man has bare links at Heathrow as well. That's true. 136 00:06:48,003 --> 00:06:50,003 Shafi, you can't be serious right now? 137 00:06:50,003 --> 00:06:53,003 Baby girl, I love you, 138 00:06:53,003 --> 00:06:55,003 but this community's more important than anything. 139 00:06:55,003 --> 00:06:58,003 Right, if we leave him alive, who knows who he'll bite next? 140 00:06:58,003 --> 00:06:59,003 Nobody! He's not a vampire! 141 00:06:59,003 --> 00:07:02,003 You... You just need to tell him there's a way back, yeah? 142 00:07:02,003 --> 00:07:04,003 You need to forgive him. 143 00:07:04,003 --> 00:07:08,363 Baby, you cannot be a Muslim and a vampire, OK? 144 00:07:08,363 --> 00:07:10,043 I won't let you do this. I just... I can't. 145 00:07:10,043 --> 00:07:13,003 Baby girl... Yo, yo, yo, do you want me to stop her, bro? 146 00:07:13,003 --> 00:07:15,003 Nah, it's fine. Just let her go, man. 147 00:07:15,003 --> 00:07:19,523 There's nobody stopping Shafi the vampire slayer. 148 00:07:19,523 --> 00:07:23,003 Come on! My guy! What a dialogue. Yeah, man. 149 00:07:23,003 --> 00:07:24,363 Come on, that was big. 150 00:08:35,843 --> 00:08:37,003 Boo! 151 00:08:37,003 --> 00:08:39,003 Hi! 152 00:08:41,683 --> 00:08:45,003 You know, I fancied you since the first day of... 153 00:08:50,003 --> 00:08:52,003 Took you long enough to say it, though, didn't it? 154 00:08:52,003 --> 00:08:55,003 I had to wait for a white boy phase to be well and truly over. 155 00:08:55,003 --> 00:08:57,003 Oh, it's happened again! Yeah. 156 00:08:57,003 --> 00:08:59,003 THEY CHUCKLE 157 00:08:59,003 --> 00:09:02,003 Can't you try the clear sun cream? 158 00:09:02,003 --> 00:09:04,003 That's my passport, and there's my ticket. 159 00:09:05,203 --> 00:09:08,003 Please just step aside, sir. What's going on? 160 00:09:08,003 --> 00:09:10,003 Oh, this happens all the time, flying while Muslim. 161 00:09:10,003 --> 00:09:11,683 I'll check us in, all right? 162 00:09:11,683 --> 00:09:13,003 See you at the gate. See you. 163 00:09:18,003 --> 00:09:19,003 I tried my best, you know? 164 00:09:19,003 --> 00:09:23,003 I stunted his dating life by sending him to a boys' school. 165 00:09:23,003 --> 00:09:25,003 I gave him a fresh bowl cut every year 166 00:09:25,003 --> 00:09:27,003 so he was never at risk of being popular. 167 00:09:27,003 --> 00:09:29,003 I put aloo gobi in his sandwiches so... 168 00:09:29,003 --> 00:09:31,203 Shafi's gonna kill him if we don't get to him first. 169 00:09:31,203 --> 00:09:34,203 Kill him? Why? Cos of their little... 170 00:09:34,203 --> 00:09:36,003 We need to find Kathy. 171 00:09:36,003 --> 00:09:38,003 She's the one who started all this, right? 172 00:09:38,003 --> 00:09:40,003 Surely she knows what's going on. 173 00:09:59,003 --> 00:10:03,003 Before we start, I should tell you I had a pint for breakfast, 174 00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:04,363 a bacon sarnie for lunch 175 00:10:04,363 --> 00:10:08,003 and I don't give two shits about Palestine. 176 00:10:08,003 --> 00:10:09,523 HE CHUCKLES 177 00:10:12,523 --> 00:10:15,003 Shit, that normally works. 178 00:10:15,003 --> 00:10:18,003 You aren't particularly vulnerable gingers, are you? 179 00:10:18,003 --> 00:10:20,003 No. 180 00:10:21,003 --> 00:10:23,003 No, OK. 181 00:10:24,003 --> 00:10:26,003 Reason for traveling? 182 00:10:26,003 --> 00:10:28,003 Oh, me and my girlfriend are moving to Australia. 183 00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:32,003 So you're an immigrant? We prefer the term ex-pat, actually. 184 00:10:32,003 --> 00:10:34,043 Do you have extreme views about our community? 185 00:10:34,043 --> 00:10:36,003 Extreme views? 186 00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:38,003 I've not been to the mosque in months. 187 00:10:38,003 --> 00:10:40,003 Are your loyalties divided? 188 00:10:40,003 --> 00:10:42,043 I cried when England won the Euros. 189 00:10:42,043 --> 00:10:44,523 Is this an attempt to access benefits? 190 00:10:44,523 --> 00:10:46,003 Benefits? No, I'm a doctor! 191 00:10:46,003 --> 00:10:49,003 Are you infiltrating our coven to bring it down from the inside? 192 00:10:49,003 --> 00:10:51,003 Coven? HISS 193 00:10:51,003 --> 00:10:53,003 Haye Allah! 194 00:10:53,003 --> 00:10:56,003 Argh! Oh! 195 00:10:56,003 --> 00:10:58,683 We're terribly sorry, Dr Khan. 196 00:10:58,683 --> 00:11:02,003 But if we let everyone into the vampiric brotherhood, 197 00:11:02,003 --> 00:11:05,523 well, being a vampire wouldn't mean very much at all. 198 00:11:05,523 --> 00:11:07,003 Let me go! 199 00:11:08,003 --> 00:11:10,003 No, no, no, no, no, no, no! 200 00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:13,203 Forget the sensitivity training? We were just finishing up. 201 00:11:17,003 --> 00:11:18,003 See ya! 202 00:11:27,003 --> 00:11:29,003 Oh, yes! 203 00:11:29,003 --> 00:11:33,003 Oh! Oh, Rish! KNOCK AT DOOR 204 00:11:33,003 --> 00:11:37,843 Yes! Oh! Ah! 205 00:11:37,843 --> 00:11:39,003 Aaaah! 206 00:11:41,003 --> 00:11:43,203 I think you should get that. KNOCKING CONTINUES 207 00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,003 SHE SIGHS Kath? 208 00:11:45,003 --> 00:11:47,043 We're not finished yet! 209 00:11:47,043 --> 00:11:49,003 Finishing's not the point of tantric. 210 00:11:49,003 --> 00:11:51,203 Just get the door! Ugh. 211 00:11:55,043 --> 00:11:59,043 Oh. It's Abdulla's mum and the sweet-smelling lady. 212 00:11:59,043 --> 00:12:01,003 Come to join in? 213 00:12:01,003 --> 00:12:02,363 Oh, I... er... 214 00:12:02,363 --> 00:12:05,003 It's Abdulla! We need your help. 215 00:12:05,003 --> 00:12:06,203 Something's going down at Heathrow. 216 00:12:06,203 --> 00:12:08,003 It's not my problem any more. 217 00:12:08,003 --> 00:12:10,523 Please, Kathy, he's all I've got. 218 00:12:10,523 --> 00:12:13,003 I wish I could help, Mrs Khan, 219 00:12:13,003 --> 00:12:16,003 but, er... I've got chakras to realign. 220 00:12:16,003 --> 00:12:18,003 Please, Kathy, Kathy! 221 00:12:18,003 --> 00:12:19,843 Kathy, please, open the door. 222 00:12:19,843 --> 00:12:23,003 Who was that? Oh, it's... it's nothing, really. 223 00:12:23,003 --> 00:12:27,003 It's, erm... just the... the Muslim kid, you know? 224 00:12:27,003 --> 00:12:29,003 He's... 225 00:12:29,003 --> 00:12:31,363 got himself into a little conflict at the airport. 226 00:12:31,363 --> 00:12:33,003 Typical, really. 227 00:12:33,003 --> 00:12:35,003 So you're just gonna leave him? 228 00:12:35,003 --> 00:12:36,203 You know the coven run that place? 229 00:12:36,203 --> 00:12:40,003 Well, I didn't know we'd be having so much fun. 230 00:12:40,003 --> 00:12:42,003 Oh, Kath! What have I been trying to teach you? 231 00:12:42,003 --> 00:12:45,003 I didn't realise THIS was teaching. 232 00:12:45,003 --> 00:12:48,363 Wellness, karma, vegetarianism, it's all meaningless 233 00:12:48,363 --> 00:12:51,003 if you're just gonna do exactly what you did to me back in the '90s. 234 00:12:51,003 --> 00:12:53,003 That's not the same! There's nothing I can do for him. 235 00:12:53,003 --> 00:12:54,043 You're my progeny. 236 00:12:54,043 --> 00:12:56,003 If they kill him, they'll kill you, too! 237 00:12:56,003 --> 00:12:59,043 Yeah, maybe I just need to accept that. 238 00:12:59,043 --> 00:13:01,683 I've been around long enough. 239 00:13:03,003 --> 00:13:04,523 And surely it's too late to s... 240 00:13:04,523 --> 00:13:07,003 It's never too late to spread a little love, Kath. 241 00:13:07,003 --> 00:13:08,363 In this life or the next. 242 00:13:08,363 --> 00:13:12,003 We're immortal, you fuck. We don't get a next life! 243 00:13:12,003 --> 00:13:13,003 SHE GASPS 244 00:13:14,003 --> 00:13:16,203 All the more reason to make this one count, then, eh? 245 00:13:20,003 --> 00:13:22,003 Unless... 246 00:13:25,043 --> 00:13:27,003 Yeah. 247 00:13:31,003 --> 00:13:34,003 Amrita, we need to get on the plane. What's going on? 248 00:13:34,003 --> 00:13:35,003 The coven are here! 249 00:13:35,003 --> 00:13:37,003 Sun cream, shit! 250 00:13:37,003 --> 00:13:39,003 I don't get it, what's wrong? 251 00:13:39,003 --> 00:13:41,003 Look, you need to go on without me. Abs, I can't. 252 00:13:41,003 --> 00:13:42,003 Trust me, Amrita. Abs... 253 00:13:42,003 --> 00:13:44,003 Go! No, Abs! 254 00:13:49,003 --> 00:13:51,003 Whoa! 255 00:13:51,003 --> 00:13:52,003 Shafi? 256 00:13:52,003 --> 00:13:55,203 Sun's out, guns in, huh? Can't out-muscle me in the daylight. 257 00:13:55,203 --> 00:13:57,843 Oh, God, you're one of them now too, aren't you? 258 00:13:59,003 --> 00:14:01,003 No. Argh! Ugh. 259 00:14:01,003 --> 00:14:04,003 Immune system's too strong for that vampire shit! 260 00:14:04,003 --> 00:14:06,003 What are you doing here, then? 261 00:14:08,003 --> 00:14:10,003 I came to apologise, fam. 262 00:14:10,003 --> 00:14:13,003 Might be a vampire, but you're still a Muslim. Uh-huh. 263 00:14:13,003 --> 00:14:15,363 And that makes you my brother. OK. 264 00:14:15,363 --> 00:14:18,003 No matter what... Yeah, that's great... great, Shafi. 265 00:14:18,003 --> 00:14:19,523 We need to... Ah! 266 00:14:21,203 --> 00:14:23,843 Oh, shit! 267 00:14:26,003 --> 00:14:28,003 Come on, bruv. 268 00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:32,003 Look, we can hide in here. Come, come, come, come, come. 269 00:14:32,003 --> 00:14:34,003 Ah, no, what if I burn up? 270 00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:37,003 You know, like in the movies, when a vampire enters a church? 271 00:14:37,003 --> 00:14:41,003 Abs, you are a Muslim vampire, OK? If our religion is true, 272 00:14:41,003 --> 00:14:43,003 the only place you're burning up is in an actual mosque. 273 00:14:43,003 --> 00:14:45,003 Are you sure we can't go someplace else? 274 00:14:45,003 --> 00:14:48,003 I need you to take this leap of faith with me, yeah? 275 00:14:48,003 --> 00:14:51,003 You have to step through, for all Muslims everywhere. 276 00:14:54,003 --> 00:14:56,003 Come on, bruv. I'm right here. 277 00:14:59,003 --> 00:15:00,203 Bismillah. 278 00:15:07,003 --> 00:15:09,003 Ah. Allahu Akbar! 279 00:15:09,003 --> 00:15:11,523 Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! 280 00:15:11,523 --> 00:15:15,523 I was right! You can't scream that in an airport! 281 00:15:15,523 --> 00:15:18,003 You really did think I was gonna burn up, didn't you? 282 00:15:18,003 --> 00:15:19,523 Not for a second, brother. 283 00:15:19,523 --> 00:15:21,003 But it wouldn't have mattered anyway. 284 00:15:21,003 --> 00:15:23,003 Get him, boys! What? 285 00:15:23,003 --> 00:15:25,003 Come on, come here. 286 00:15:25,003 --> 00:15:27,003 You bastard, what the hell are you doing? 287 00:15:27,003 --> 00:15:28,003 Sorry, cuz. It's the only way, innit! 288 00:15:28,003 --> 00:15:30,003 I trusted you, Shafi! 289 00:15:30,003 --> 00:15:31,363 Get off! Take this, vampire! 290 00:15:31,363 --> 00:15:34,003 What the fuck would you bring a cross for, bruv? 291 00:15:34,003 --> 00:15:35,003 We're Muslims. 292 00:15:35,003 --> 00:15:37,003 My nan brought back this Zamzam water back from Mecca. 293 00:15:37,003 --> 00:15:40,003 Yeah, bang it, bang it, bang it. Bang that, bang that. 294 00:15:40,003 --> 00:15:42,043 I'm pretty sure that's just Evian, you prick. 295 00:15:42,043 --> 00:15:45,003 Why the fuck didn't we bring the stakes for, brev? 296 00:15:45,003 --> 00:15:46,003 Cos you stuck it all on the barbecue. 297 00:15:46,003 --> 00:15:49,003 No, I mean... Oh, mashallah. 298 00:15:49,003 --> 00:15:51,003 Typical Shafi, hasn't even done his homework 299 00:15:51,003 --> 00:15:52,003 before hunting vampires. 300 00:15:52,003 --> 00:15:54,003 Nah, man, shut up, I got this. 301 00:15:57,003 --> 00:15:58,843 We're gonna have to strip him, boys. 302 00:15:58,843 --> 00:16:00,003 Huh? 303 00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:03,003 Strip him down, brev! 304 00:16:03,003 --> 00:16:07,003 No, no, no, no, no, no, no! 305 00:16:07,003 --> 00:16:08,003 Erm, I'll go... 306 00:16:08,003 --> 00:16:10,003 No, Auntie, we don't have time. 307 00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:12,003 Let's go straight up here, yeah? OK. OK. 308 00:16:13,003 --> 00:16:16,003 HE CHUCKLES Come on! 309 00:16:18,003 --> 00:16:20,683 Maajid? Is that you? 310 00:16:22,003 --> 00:16:24,003 Er... No, no, sorry. 311 00:16:24,003 --> 00:16:26,003 Hey! Wait! 312 00:16:26,003 --> 00:16:29,003 Where is he?! Where's... Where's who? 313 00:16:29,003 --> 00:16:31,003 I-I-I don't... My flight's about to leave! 314 00:16:31,003 --> 00:16:32,003 Tell me where he is, 315 00:16:32,003 --> 00:16:35,003 or I'll tell your mum what you really put in your shisha pipe. 316 00:16:35,003 --> 00:16:36,003 Eh? Oh! 317 00:16:36,003 --> 00:16:38,003 No, no, not me, Aunt... 318 00:16:38,003 --> 00:16:39,003 Hey! 319 00:16:40,003 --> 00:16:43,003 Internet says you gotta... 320 00:16:43,003 --> 00:16:46,043 you gotta chop off his head and burn the body. 321 00:16:46,043 --> 00:16:48,003 Muslims don't burn bodies, brev. 322 00:16:48,003 --> 00:16:50,003 Border Force! Hand him over! 323 00:16:50,003 --> 00:16:52,003 Oh, wait, you man are border security now? 324 00:16:52,003 --> 00:16:54,523 We're whoever we need to be to clear up any... 325 00:16:54,523 --> 00:16:57,003 impurities in the bloodline. 326 00:16:57,003 --> 00:16:58,203 Now, please, stand aside. 327 00:16:58,203 --> 00:17:01,003 I'd rather die than hand over a brother to the Home Office! 328 00:17:05,003 --> 00:17:06,003 Hands off my boy! 329 00:17:06,003 --> 00:17:07,043 Mum, no! 330 00:17:07,043 --> 00:17:09,003 Shafi, they were too strong for me, 331 00:17:09,003 --> 00:17:10,683 but I... I've got snacks. I've got Boost. 332 00:17:10,683 --> 00:17:13,843 Auntie Bushra? She knows all our mums! 333 00:17:15,003 --> 00:17:18,003 Get away from him, you bitch... es. 334 00:17:18,003 --> 00:17:20,003 Let go of me. 335 00:17:20,003 --> 00:17:22,003 Let go of him! Now! Auntie Bushy, stay back! 336 00:17:22,003 --> 00:17:24,003 Mum, please! HISSING 337 00:17:24,003 --> 00:17:26,003 Don't you realise who we are?! 338 00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:29,003 This is His Majesty's Vampire Coven! 339 00:17:29,003 --> 00:17:34,003 Yeah, yeah, well, a real Muslim never deserts one of their own. 340 00:17:34,003 --> 00:17:36,363 Didn't you want to kill me literally a minute ago? 341 00:17:36,363 --> 00:17:38,003 I'm busy. 342 00:17:38,003 --> 00:17:40,003 COUGHING 343 00:17:40,003 --> 00:17:41,003 In use! 344 00:17:45,003 --> 00:17:48,003 Let him go! Auntie, please, please! 345 00:17:48,003 --> 00:17:49,003 ALL SHOUTING 346 00:17:49,003 --> 00:17:52,003 Unhand him! Unhand him now! 347 00:17:52,003 --> 00:17:53,043 No, please! 348 00:17:53,043 --> 00:17:56,003 Stop! 349 00:17:56,003 --> 00:17:58,003 Everyone, please, stop! 350 00:18:00,003 --> 00:18:03,003 Look, maybe these guys are right, OK? 351 00:18:03,003 --> 00:18:06,003 Maybe there was never meant to be a Muslim vampire. 352 00:18:07,003 --> 00:18:10,003 I mean, I've never been the best Muslim, 353 00:18:10,003 --> 00:18:13,843 and clearly I'm a terrible vampire. 354 00:18:16,003 --> 00:18:18,683 Mum. 355 00:18:18,683 --> 00:18:21,003 Amrita. 356 00:18:21,003 --> 00:18:23,683 Even you, Shafi. 357 00:18:24,683 --> 00:18:28,003 I-I-I know you want what's best for me, 358 00:18:28,003 --> 00:18:32,003 but, look, maybe there really is no other way. 359 00:18:35,003 --> 00:18:38,203 I don't want anyone dying for my sake, 360 00:18:38,203 --> 00:18:42,003 so, please, let me go. 361 00:18:42,003 --> 00:18:44,003 Abs, stop, man! You can't... 362 00:18:44,003 --> 00:18:47,523 I-I-I love you, Mum. But you have to let me go. 363 00:18:47,523 --> 00:18:50,003 No, Abdulla, you can't do this! Please... 364 00:18:50,003 --> 00:18:52,003 Mum, Shafi? Come on! 365 00:18:54,003 --> 00:18:56,003 Abdulla! Do your worst. 366 00:18:56,003 --> 00:18:58,003 Abs, man! Why is he doing this? 367 00:18:58,003 --> 00:19:00,043 MURMURS PRAYER 368 00:19:03,003 --> 00:19:04,003 Hold it right there! 369 00:19:04,003 --> 00:19:05,003 Fucking hell. 370 00:19:05,003 --> 00:19:08,843 Kathy and the Hindu vampire? 371 00:19:10,043 --> 00:19:12,683 You just had to get involved, didn't you? 372 00:19:12,683 --> 00:19:15,003 Yeah, well, anything to fuck with the Bullingdon coven. 373 00:19:15,003 --> 00:19:17,003 You can't kill us, Charlie boy. 374 00:19:17,003 --> 00:19:19,003 Passport-holding vampires, we are! 375 00:19:19,003 --> 00:19:21,003 You're no vampires. 376 00:19:21,003 --> 00:19:24,003 Just a low class piece of scum and a Paki... 377 00:19:24,003 --> 00:19:26,003 HISS 378 00:19:26,003 --> 00:19:29,003 How many times do I have to tell you? I'm Indian. 379 00:19:30,003 --> 00:19:31,003 He looks familiar. 380 00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:34,003 You need to trust me now, Mr Abdulla. 381 00:19:36,003 --> 00:19:38,003 Remember what you're doing, Rish? 382 00:19:38,003 --> 00:19:40,843 Yeah, I think so. Let's go. 383 00:19:42,003 --> 00:19:46,003 What's your name, son? Abdulla. Abdulla Khan. 384 00:19:47,003 --> 00:19:49,003 Right, then. On your knees. 385 00:19:53,683 --> 00:19:56,043 Blood of my blood, I summon thee. 386 00:19:56,043 --> 00:19:59,003 Abdulla Khan, thou art my progeny. 387 00:19:59,003 --> 00:20:01,003 Urgh! 388 00:20:01,003 --> 00:20:02,003 Ugh! 389 00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:08,003 KATHY: Blood of my blood. Blood of my blood. 390 00:20:08,003 --> 00:20:13,043 Blood of my blood! 391 00:20:13,043 --> 00:20:15,003 Blood of my blood. 392 00:20:15,003 --> 00:20:20,003 Blood of my blood! 393 00:20:21,003 --> 00:20:23,003 Namaste, you posh twats. 394 00:20:23,003 --> 00:20:25,003 You can't kill him now! 395 00:20:25,003 --> 00:20:26,843 THEY HISS 396 00:20:26,843 --> 00:20:28,003 Oh, my God. 397 00:20:29,363 --> 00:20:31,003 Rizwan? 398 00:20:33,003 --> 00:20:35,003 Rizwan? 399 00:20:35,003 --> 00:20:37,003 My father? 400 00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:39,843 No, no, son. The term is maker. 401 00:20:39,843 --> 00:20:42,003 Rizwan? 402 00:20:42,003 --> 00:20:43,003 Rishi? 403 00:20:45,003 --> 00:20:48,003 Oh, it is you! 404 00:20:49,003 --> 00:20:53,203 You look so young! 405 00:20:54,523 --> 00:20:58,043 Oh, Bushra! Oh, my gosh, you look so... 406 00:21:00,003 --> 00:21:02,003 ...old. 407 00:21:04,003 --> 00:21:06,843 So I'm half-Hindu now, too? 408 00:21:08,003 --> 00:21:10,003 Haye Allah! 409 00:21:13,003 --> 00:21:15,043 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com