[message alert]
Maya wants to do date night tonight.
Is she off pregnancy bedrest?
No, she wants to do the whole thing in bed,
I get to plan everything,
and she wants me to “knock her compression socks off ”.
Is that sex?
No. You could do a sponge bath
and then you could put coconut oil in the tub.
That would be nice.
No. The smell of coconut “makes me want to kill you ”.
You have to stop with the quote thing,
it's making me sad for you and your life.
No way. No way.
National RV Jamboree! That is a license plate jackpot.
The motherlode.
We could get the phantom plate itself,
the one that some say doesn't even exist.
[both] Puerto Rico!
Mmhmm.
Truck 12 please respond. Truck 8 has a question.
Do you guys identify as, like, two individual losers
or just like a big lump of loser?
Come again?
They got a license plate.
Not just one plate, you chiseled dogs.
We're about to win this competition and get all of them.
I wouldn't trust your eyes,
you just called Shred “chiseled ”.
We're about to enter license plate heaven, lads.
Victory is ours.
[laughing]
[Dispatch] Truck 8, please respond.
Report of a skunk at 1243 Arcola Ave.
No!
Uh, truck 8 is requesting to be excused, please.
For medical reasons. We have a note.
Dispatch, truck 12 requests truck 8's location
to help administer medical assistance.
No, they're not assisting!
They're trying to steal our license plate honeypot!
[Dispatch] Truck 8 is at 4th and Main,
outside the Rose Fairgrounds.
Gaaah!
Thank you, dispatch.
And this has been another episode of the Lovable Losers,
starring truck 8
Shred? Theme song me.
Really?
[clears throat]
[beatboxing]
You a loser, but you're lovable.
You're a loser, and you stink.
You gotta push the button down if you want them to hear you.
Aaaarrgh!
[theme music plays]
♪
Now, this next state we never thought
we'd get because it's so dang small.
Frank, show me the ocean state.
Rhode Island, the smallest and most corrupt state.
It is the kidney stone of America.
Meet the Singleton family.
Good people, but very unclear how they were all related.
Look at that one.
Wait, is that the son?
Yeah, they said it was my turn next so I ran.
You reek. You've upset the dog.
-Oh, there they are. -Okay.
Hey, ever been to Rhode Island?
I...
[crowd retches]
Wait, who got skunked?
Yeah, that's me. I did get skunked.
Ask me if my partner did. She did not.
Sometimes you get lucky.
You used me as a human shield.
Ok, be honest. Is it bad?
In our HR meeting they make it clear to never comment
on an employee's smell but oh my god please go outside.
It's very bad.
Nope. Not until he sees the Hawaii plate.
I accidentally shot a video but it still counts.
It still counts.
Shred...
I... Sorry, I can't see.
He can't see.
No.
We are one state away from... total victory, West Virginia.
Country roads, take me home.
Ok, I gotta go get this stench off me.
Yeah, please.
Maya was very clear about me coming home smelling neutral.
Neutral!
You go, I'm gonna PostMates some tomato juice for you to soak in.
Can you put some crackers in that order?
Or anything that's dipable in the tomato stuff, ok?
Ok.
Uh, hey girl. Do you have a second?
Yeah.
Why do you sound like something's wrong?
No, nothing's wrong.
It's just your green card ex-husband dropped off
some mail for you.
Oh, ok.
Six weeks ago. Sorry about that.
I just found it on my bookshelf under the folder
and some books I'm gonna get to you.
That one's from the US Department of Homeland Security.
Yeah.
It looks official.
I just wanted to flag that for you.
Oh my god, Emily.
This says that my citizenship test is scheduled for the 10th.
The 10th? Of this month?
I'm toast!
I haven't even cracked open this freakin' book!
Oh, that's a-- that's a big book.
I'm so good at studying. Let me help you.
Now, or six weeks ago when it might have made a difference?
That's good. Yeah, I'm glad we're laughing about this.
Um... no, I'm very motivated to help you
because I want you to stay in this country,
and also I really can't stand people being mad at me.
If you're mad at me.
I couldn't tell if you were or you weren't or-- are you?
Do you want me to say?
No, I don't want to know.
Let's just get into those books.
[laughs nervously]
[phone ringing]
Oh, um, hey Frank, we're getting a call about an aggressive swan.
Where?
Oh, um, uh, Oakwood Country Club.
Oversized male, dead eyes,
a taste for human flesh as indicated by this?
Woah. Swan scar.
I always thought that was a TB vaccine
nestled between my two favorite freckles.
Will you stop memorizing my arms.
I didn't get a ton of specifics,
they just said it's terrorizing the members.
Oh, yeah, that's him. El Diablo Blanco.
My white whale.
Wait, so is it a swan or a whale?
It's a Moby Dick reference.
You can't say stuff like that at work, Frank.
Ok, is this the swan that you and Rick talk about
every time you sit in front of a fire?
Yeah.
Because the smoke reminds us of his phantom-like nature.
But this time I will capture the smoke.
Ok.
And I know that's impossible
but this is where the analogy has lead me.
I'm going to take revenge for this.
[gasps]
Oh, lord.
It's just so much whiter-- -So white.
--than you think it's gonna be.
It's like a bowling pin.
It was a long winter in Seattle. Focus on the scar.
Hang on, where's the scar?
Where is the scar?
Ok.
Frank, you ok?
You haven't blinked for a few miles.
I've been trying to catch that swan since high school.
I don't wanna wade into any sensitive math here
but is it possible for a swan to live that long?
Oh, you can live a long time with enough hate in your heart.
That's what my dad taught me.
I was a caddy at that country club as a teenager.
Oh yeah, here comes the hero's origin story.
Everybody there was just a bunch of rich douche bags
but I powered through.
I saved all summer and I finally bought my first Disc-man.
I don't know what that is but I think you mean Disc-person.
It plays CD's.
Compact discs.
I got it.
Snapped right onto my belt next to my beeper.
It was so cool.
My nana had a beeper.
I'm gonna hit you later.
El Diablo Blanco stole the Disc-man from my hands
and I've only seen him twice since.
Once on local news when he attacked a baby,
and second when Rick and I got the call.
We thought we had him, but he had us.
So Rick failed you,
yet he remains your favorite partner ever?
Yep.
Well I, Shred Taylor, your current partner,
is your second favorite?
Absolutely not.
Mid-range?
One above Devon.
DUI during work Devon?!
Ah, he was a lot of fun before lunch.
Ok, but what if I help you catch your El Diablo Cody?
Does that bump me up to number one, ahead of Rick?
If you help me catch that swan all bets are off.
I am going to destroy that bird.
By humanely capturing and rehousing him.
Sir, you can't park that here. It's members only parking.
Oh, we're with the city. Fashion Police.
We got a call regarding your pants.
Darren, everything okay over here?
I'm handling it, Beth.
Yeah Beth, Darren's got it.
We're just headed to the 17th hole.
Frank knows where it is.
He actually used to caddy here in the '70's.
Mmhmm.
Ow, Frank!
That's too hard!
It's ‘cause it was two punches. I owed you one from earlier.
Non-member's fight, Beth.
I'm calling it in.
[Frank] See?
Douche bags.
Beth, tell them to hurry.
The swan is close. Listen.
[whizz]
[Golfer] Fore!
Hey!
You yell “fore ” before the ball almost kills us!
Here's the plan. I'm gonna scout the perimeter.
You go to the grill, get us two BLT's, extra mayo.
We are going in to battle. We deserve a warrior's feast.
I'm on it.
[groans]
[Golfer] Fore!
Are you aiming at us?!
Oh yeah, that's better. Sniff me.
I think you smell like a rancid Bloody Mary.
What? What about date night with Maya?
I only have like seven hours, Victoria.
I gotta increase my steep time.
Go under.
Hey.
So I finished correcting your practice test.
Yeah?
You got seven right.
Is that good?
Out of 60.
[spitting] That's terrible! That's terrible.
Oh man, this is bad. This is really bad.
I'm hopeless.
I just feel like I'm choking under the pressure.
Don't give up. New approach.
I saw this Tik Tok of these kids doing a dance
to memorize test answers.
This- is this a moonwalk? Are we still allowed to do that?
You'll see.
First you get the answers in your body
and then you get them in your mind.
These are the answers in your body?
Are you ok?
Just thinking about The Constitution.
-That's what that is? -Yeah.
[spits] I felt something on the bottom.
Where did we get this bin?
I got it from behind the kennels.
Behind the kennels?
Yeah.
You're doing a great job.
[beatboxing]
Order for Shred?
Yes!
Two BLT's to go.
Thank you.
Hey, hey. Hold on.
Uh, this is a little crazy
but what are the chances your name is Shred
and you ordered the exact same thing as me?
Busted. Sorry.
It's ok. I'll let you off with a warning.
Thanks.
I see you uh, got the loaner jacket.
No, this is mine. I actually lost 100 pounds.
Impressive.
Thank you.
Would you like a vintage cough lozenge?
Um, no thank you,
‘cause I'm actually not an 80-year-old woman.
-I get that. -Mmhmm.
Um, anyway, I gotta get back to my pond,
chasing a swan on the 17th hole.
-Ooh, 17th hole? -Mmhmm.
Could I walk with you?
There's usually an unattended drink cart over there.
You can absolutely walk with me. What the hell?
I keep finding stuff in these pockets.
It's truly crazy to watch.
Shall we?
I've already said yes. [chuckles]
Alright, swan.
Get ready for a beautiful mating call from 1980... whatever.
[swan calls]
I might be a little rusty.
[rustling]
Have you seen my ball?
Oh, you again.
It's an orange Titleist.
I haven't.
It's orange.
Ok.
I'm looking for a white swan.
Should we just name the color of things?
Green, grass. Your turn.
Ok, thank you.
[plop]
[squawks]
El Diablo Blanco.
[swan hissing]
I'd recognize that hiss anywhere.
Shred exclamation point, I have spotted the swan,
exclamation point, come back ASAP, exclamation point,
send message.
No, don't type “send message ”.
No, don't type-- no don't send message.
[message sent notification]
Five, six, seven, eight.
[both] Health and energy, transportation,
homeland security, education.
Labor, state, commerce, hut, veteran's affairs.
Agriculture--
Yeah, I feel like this isn't working.
Like- well, it's not like I can do the dance on the test, so...
I feel like the boots are weighing you down.
Why don't you use my spare jazz shoes I keep in my desk?
I think we're both a size eight, so...
Oh wow, you know everyone's shoe size
yet somehow you misplace my very important mail.
How does that happen?
Uh, let's just focus on the dance.
No, the dance is stupid
and I'm gonna get deported, you numpty.
I don't really think it's necessary to say things
that I'm pretty sure are meant to be hurtful.
And maybe if you'd just studied just a little bit
we wouldn't really be in this situation.
Wow, you're gonna turn this around on me?
Because you were the one who lost my mail.
But you leave things to the very last second
and that's a quality that you have.
Wow, ok. So you wanna go global.
You wanna talk about qualities.
Yeah. Yeah.
Ok, I have heaps.
You always--
You know, I-- nope, I have changed my mind.
Heaps sounds like too much.
Afraid of confrontation. That's definitely one.
Well, confront this.
I am no longer so sure about your bangs.
My what?
[New Zealand accent] Your fringe.
Ok.
A lot of people in this office got a fringe because of me.
Sue in dispatch, you think she just has the confidence
to get a fringe all by herself? No. I talked her into that.
Mm. This is the prettiest spot on the whole course.
I used to nanny for a family that are members here
and I still use their number to sneak in.
People don't seem to mind, except, you know, security.
Well, I've been known to pocket an extra bagel or two
from the continental breakfast. When I was on tour.
What were you on tour for?
This is gonna sound like a brag
but I used to be a professional snowboarder.
Oh.
Until I blew out my ACL.
I blew out my ACL.
-What? -Mmhmm.
-Really? -Mmhmm.
But in a real sport, platform diving.
-Is... that's a real-- -It is.
Cool.
Right or left?
I blew out my left.
Right.
Mmm.
We'd be terrible in a three-legged race.
Just awful.
-Mmhmm. -Mmhmm.
[laughs]
This sandwich is incredible, by the way.
Right.
Oh god. Oh god!
What?
One of us is eating Frank's sandwich!
Who's Frank?
I'm so sorry but I have to go. But this has been amazing.
Can I have your number?
-Sure. -Really?
Yeah.
That's crazy.
[radio] ...jeans and a leather jacket,
jeans and a leather jacket.
Oh my god.
Yo! Mind if I hitch a ride back to the green?
Thank you.
I actually really have to go,
but this was great and you should call me.
-Ok. -Yeah.
-Hi. -I will.
-Thank you. -I will. I will call.
[Woman] Floor it, Johnny!
Wait, what's your name?!
Her name can't be sandwich.
Where are you, dirty bird?
Oh, the sky? The domain of cowards?
[swan honking]
[maniacal laughter]
I've learned some new moves since we last danced!
I'm stuck! I can't move!
[grunts] I can't move!
-Frank! -Stupid... majestic... avian...
I'm coming!
It's too late! Where were you?
I met a girl.
Did you abandon her in a pond, as well?
One sec.
Get in here! I'm stuck!
Oh, take your time. What's with the sport coat?
Did you have a first communion?
I'm coming!
You brought the sandwiches at least, right?
Um, there was a slight issue with the--
I'm gonna kill you.
I'm sorry.
Dereliction of duty, sandwich forgetfulness.
You are on a roll, Shred!
-Come here! -Ok.
-Grab me out of here. -Ok.
Go!
[Woman] Fore!
[both] Ahhhhhh!!!
Well, at least they said it first this time.
I'm so pissed at Emily.
Alright, if you're gonna stay here
can you hand me Frank's shampoo?
The volumizing one?
-Yeah, I got it. -Alright.
So I'm totally gonna fail this test, right?
Well, you should have thought about studying.
I will fight you! I'm ready to go.
Relax, it's gonna work out.
My father took the same test years ago,
passed with flying colors by the way.
-Are you kidding? -No, he passed.
-Have you just been-- -He did really well.
You've just been sitting on that information?
Let's call him.
No, we only talk on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
I call them on a Thursday it'll be weird.
Call them or I'll open the curtain.
Do not... do not... I hate when you do that.
Ha, trunks in the shower. I knew it.
You need to be deported, ok?
I should call them myself, tell them to get rid of you.
-Fine, I'll do it. -Ya!
Thank you.
Before the swan comes back
and I pin you down with ten stakes to offer you up as bait
I wanna know what happened with my sandwich and don't lie.
They're inside me.
And the girl.
So while you were lady and the tramp-ing my BLT
I was going nose to nose with the white devil?
Look, I'm sorry.
I get that this bird did a number on you
and he took your portable record player.
It's a Disc-man!
And you know what?
Rick would have brought me the sandwiches,
and a grape soda I didn't even ask for, because he just knew.
He was a real partner.
Well, a real partner would be happy for me
because I just met the first girl
that might actually help me forget about Emily.
I wish the swan had pecked out my ear drums.
[swan growling]
Uh, Frank?
He's right behind me, isn't he?
Yep.
What's wrong? Family ok, kids ok?
Hi Dad, no, everything's fine.
[Dad] Why are you calling on Thursday?
[Mom] Why he is calling on Thursday?
Hey mom, everything's fine. We're fine, mom.
Guys, can you turn the heat up? You're rich.
Can you let me pay for it? How about that?
[Dad] Oh, mister money bags.
[Mom] Hi work bestie.
Hey girl.
Hi.
Amit says you did really well on your US citizenship test
and I would love any advice.
Flashcards, laminated so you can bring them everywhere.
Ok.
He bought a laminator.
What happens if they get wet?
Why would they get wet?
What if they want to study in the hot tub?
Dad, will you tutor her?
Pretty please?
Of course, if you tell me the real reason why you called.
This-- This is the reason.
[Dad] Amit, stop lying to us.
[swan hissing]
Oh my god!
Ahhh!!! It's got my hair!
-Get it off! -I can't get in...
Get it off! It's in my hair!
Oh god.
[hissing]
Ok, ok, grab the jacket.
I have to return it.
Give me the jacket!
Just be careful with it. They have my card on file!
Throw me the jacket!
Come on. Come on.
Come here you dumb bird!
Yeah. You're about to go out in style.
[slams cage door]
We got a birdie!
Woo!
[laughs]
Shoot! Shred!
[hissing]
Wooo! Bagged him!
Oh, yeah!
You stole my Disc-man and my Prince's Greatest Hits CD,
and now you're about to find out what it's like
when a swan cries.
Wait, woah. Hey, Frank, woah, woah!
Frank! Walk it off!
Ok, ok.
I'm fine!
Going to the clubhouse for a drink.
Patel's dad's marking my practice test.
I'm a bit nervous.
Well, I was eavesdropping on you with the flash cards,
you were killing it.
I think I've studied too much today.
My brain needs alcohol.
Do you wanna get a drink?
Wait, aren't we in the middle of, like, a massive fight?
Can it be over?
I'm really, really bad at apologizing.
No, you don't have to apologize, I do.
I dunked on your fringe. I'm so sorry.
Me too.
This is a huge relief because I thought me and you
were just like [clicks tongue]
What, the friendship? Just dead?
Yeah.
Friends fight all the time.
We're gonna have tons of fights.
-Really? -Yeah.
Knock-downs, I promise.
If I don't get deported.
Wait, no, that is not gonna happen... Ya numpty.
I do find the accent offensive.
Mmhmm.
[phone ringing]
Hi.
Well, Victoria, 15 out of 60. We've got some work to do.
Hey, that's eight better than I got last time.
Right.
USA! USA!
We'll keep at it.
We don't want Amit to lose his partner.
By the way, he's doing such a great job around the office,
you know, balancing it all,
especially with Maya at home on bedrest.
-Maya is on bedrest? -Bedrest?!
-Is everything ok? -Oh my god! Why is--
[hangs up]
-Oh. -Oh.
Feels like I kinda kicked something off there, doesn't it?
It does. Yeah.
Where do I return this jacket?
Oh, I'll handle it.
I'm never getting that deposit back, am I?
Those bastards gave me a ticket?
For $200?
Hold on. I have an idea.
Releasing this evil back on these wealthy douche bags
is a really good idea, Shred.
I mean, it's literally opposite of what we're paid to do,
but it's really fun.
Rick never would have thought of this, huh?
Absolutely not, but he would have remembered the BLT's,
so it's a wash.
It's ok, buddy.
You come out whenever you're ready.
You know, it's kinda symbolic.
You're letting go of your decades long feud
with this bird, and me?
I'm letting go of my feelings for Emily.
Yeah, I can tell by how you constantly bring her up.
Hmm.
Alright, fine.
Tell me about this mystery woman
who has questionable taste in men. What's her name?
See? I don't know, that's the thing.
She gave me her number,
but instead of her name she just put a sandwich emoji.
No! No!
El Diablo, drop the phone! Drop the phone!
Let him go.
He loves gadgets.
Mmhmm. Yeah, Dad.
-Mmhmm. -[snaps fingers]
Oh, you're coming in tomorrow, that's so soon.
[laughs] Oh, great.
Hey, can you hold on a second? Maya's on the other line.
Maya's not on the other line, is she?
No, Maya's not speaking to me.
Oh.
Yeah, my parents are showing up tomorrow indefinitely.
Indefinitely.
Also, Maya does know about the skunk ‘cause I still reek,
so I'm having to sleep in the minivan every night.
Are you mad at me?
Why would I-- why would I be mad you?
Ok.
[laughs] No.
Alright. You're my favorite employee.
[Patel continues to laugh] Oh, thank you.
Hi Dad.
No, no, no, no, Maya's fine, Maya's fine.
No, she just needed some food. No, no, Mom, we don't need food.
Don't bring the food, Mom!
Mom!