1 00:00:03,394 --> 00:00:05,135 If you were a dog, what breed would you be? 2 00:00:05,135 --> 00:00:06,875 You know those hypoallergenic ones, 3 00:00:06,875 --> 00:00:08,225 uh, what are they? 4 00:00:08,312 --> 00:00:10,401 Oh, the ones that don't answer stupid questions. 5 00:00:10,401 --> 00:00:12,011 Truck 12. Please respond. 6 00:00:12,098 --> 00:00:15,014 Cougar observed at residence. 425 Knoll Drive. 7 00:00:15,101 --> 00:00:16,537 Homeowner is out of town. 8 00:00:16,537 --> 00:00:18,322 Truck 12 responding. 9 00:00:18,322 --> 00:00:20,019 There's been a lot of sightings lately. 10 00:00:20,106 --> 00:00:20,933 A security camera at a dry cleaner's 11 00:00:21,020 --> 00:00:22,500 got some great footage. 12 00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:25,242 It's a beautiful animal. C-38. Majestic. 13 00:00:25,329 --> 00:00:27,679 Poor guy's probably just hungry, you know? 14 00:00:27,679 --> 00:00:28,680 This isn't some cute little kitty. 15 00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:30,203 You know that right? 16 00:00:30,203 --> 00:00:33,032 Last year in Spokane another cougar attacked an officer, 17 00:00:33,119 --> 00:00:34,903 broke through his ribcage, and ate his lungs. 18 00:00:34,903 --> 00:00:38,820 Oh, my God. Did he survive? 19 00:00:38,907 --> 00:00:41,693 Without lungs? Yup. Yeah. 20 00:00:41,693 --> 00:00:43,608 Finished third at the New York Marathon. 21 00:00:43,608 --> 00:00:44,609 Thank God. 22 00:00:44,696 --> 00:00:46,263 You know, I love stories like that. 23 00:00:46,263 --> 00:00:49,266 Triumph of the human spirit. You can't keep us down, Frank. 24 00:00:50,745 --> 00:00:52,095 He died, Shred. 25 00:01:00,842 --> 00:01:02,583 Oh, my God. 26 00:01:02,583 --> 00:01:03,671 What? 27 00:01:03,671 --> 00:01:05,586 On the stairs. Right in the bushes. 28 00:01:05,586 --> 00:01:06,196 You see that? 29 00:01:06,283 --> 00:01:08,067 The hydrangeas or the azaleas? 30 00:01:08,067 --> 00:01:09,938 I don't know. The pink ones. 31 00:01:09,938 --> 00:01:10,939 Azaleas. 32 00:01:12,724 --> 00:01:13,942 Oh my God. 33 00:01:13,942 --> 00:01:14,856 Hand me the tranq gun. 34 00:01:14,856 --> 00:01:16,467 If he comes for us, 35 00:01:16,467 --> 00:01:18,208 we're supposed to make ourselves look big. 36 00:01:18,208 --> 00:01:19,948 Shh. Yeah. That's the official line. 37 00:01:19,948 --> 00:01:22,081 But here's the real deal. 38 00:01:22,168 --> 00:01:24,562 Cup your junk and hide behind something. 39 00:01:24,562 --> 00:01:27,042 Make your whole package as inaccessible as possible. 40 00:01:27,042 --> 00:01:28,653 But Frank, I... I heard they go for your neck. 41 00:01:28,653 --> 00:01:30,002 Yeah, they do. 42 00:01:30,002 --> 00:01:31,482 But it's not about staying alive, 43 00:01:31,482 --> 00:01:34,180 it's about life being worth living if you survive. 44 00:01:38,184 --> 00:01:39,316 Be careful. 45 00:01:40,795 --> 00:01:41,709 I think I got a clean shot. 46 00:01:47,019 --> 00:01:47,933 Unbelievable. 47 00:01:47,933 --> 00:01:48,890 What? 48 00:01:49,761 --> 00:01:50,849 What are you... 49 00:01:50,849 --> 00:01:53,765 Frank? Frank? Frank? Are you crazy? 50 00:01:53,765 --> 00:01:54,983 Cover up your junk. 51 00:01:54,983 --> 00:01:56,289 It's a stuffed animal. 52 00:01:56,289 --> 00:01:57,551 You don't know that. It might just be asleep. 53 00:01:57,638 --> 00:02:00,772 Yeah. Well, when it wakes up I'd speak to it in Vietnamese 54 00:02:00,772 --> 00:02:03,601 since it's probably where it was made. 55 00:02:03,601 --> 00:02:04,210 They do great work. 56 00:02:04,210 --> 00:02:05,994 Whoo! Okay. 57 00:02:05,994 --> 00:02:07,822 Yeah, I'll make the call to dispatch. 58 00:02:07,822 --> 00:02:09,607 Let 'em know it's a false alarm. 59 00:02:09,607 --> 00:02:11,217 - Wait. - What? 60 00:02:11,304 --> 00:02:13,567 You know what Churchill said. Never let a crisis go to waste. 61 00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:14,786 Totally. 62 00:02:14,786 --> 00:02:17,267 Quick refresher... uh, who is Churchill? 63 00:02:17,267 --> 00:02:18,659 Relief pitcher for the Mariners. 64 00:02:18,659 --> 00:02:20,531 I hear that dude's having a great season. 65 00:02:20,531 --> 00:02:22,707 Look... we both know this cougar isn't real. 66 00:02:22,707 --> 00:02:23,882 Right. 67 00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:25,231 But nobody else does. 68 00:02:25,231 --> 00:02:28,930 So, we have an opportunity to humiliate a deserving individual 69 00:02:29,017 --> 00:02:30,367 and it would be wrong to pass that up. 70 00:02:31,803 --> 00:02:32,630 Right? 71 00:02:33,805 --> 00:02:34,936 Gentlemen. 72 00:02:35,372 --> 00:02:37,504 Templeton... thank God you're here. 73 00:02:37,504 --> 00:02:39,637 You're lucky I'm working graveyard this week. 74 00:02:39,637 --> 00:02:41,029 Bring me up to speed. 75 00:02:41,029 --> 00:02:42,161 Come here. 76 00:02:44,642 --> 00:02:45,904 The predator is in those bushes. 77 00:02:45,904 --> 00:02:47,253 See? Now we've shot him full of tranqs 78 00:02:47,253 --> 00:02:49,560 but that is one amped-up cat. 79 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:50,822 Copy. 80 00:02:51,736 --> 00:02:54,521 It takes a big man to admit when he's in over his head. 81 00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:59,352 So... he's already killed a couple of dogs. 82 00:02:59,352 --> 00:03:00,832 But the real concern is the elementary school 83 00:03:00,832 --> 00:03:01,920 down the street. 84 00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:02,877 Yeah. Breaks my heart 85 00:03:02,877 --> 00:03:04,879 but, I think, we might have to euthanize. 86 00:03:07,273 --> 00:03:08,709 Stand back, boys. 87 00:03:08,709 --> 00:03:10,668 This is a job for Mister Remington. 88 00:03:11,582 --> 00:03:12,583 Okay. 89 00:03:15,063 --> 00:03:16,239 Bye-bye kitty-cat. 90 00:03:20,286 --> 00:03:22,593 On my orders... fire. 91 00:03:22,593 --> 00:03:24,682 You're gonna order yourself to fire, sir? 92 00:03:24,682 --> 00:03:26,292 Stop questioning my authority. 93 00:03:26,292 --> 00:03:27,293 Execute! 94 00:03:31,863 --> 00:03:32,864 What? 95 00:03:32,864 --> 00:03:34,387 That was so good. 96 00:03:34,387 --> 00:03:36,955 That went so much better than anyone could've hoped for. 97 00:03:36,955 --> 00:03:37,999 Oh, my goodness. 98 00:04:08,813 --> 00:04:10,815 'Kay. People are still not conforming 99 00:04:10,902 --> 00:04:12,904 to recycling protocols. 100 00:04:12,904 --> 00:04:14,253 And once again, 101 00:04:14,340 --> 00:04:17,517 a half-eaten hamburger is not recyclable... Frank. 102 00:04:20,999 --> 00:04:22,130 Thank you, Dolores. 103 00:04:22,130 --> 00:04:25,046 Uh, Dolores... is this recyclable? 104 00:04:25,046 --> 00:04:26,134 Of course. 105 00:04:26,134 --> 00:04:27,222 Oh, terrific. 106 00:04:27,222 --> 00:04:28,615 Yeah. You've done that joke before. 107 00:04:28,615 --> 00:04:32,489 Well, when you see Elton John you want him to play Rocket Man. 108 00:04:32,576 --> 00:04:35,187 Uh, Frank? Shred? Did anything happen recently 109 00:04:35,187 --> 00:04:37,363 that maybe I should be brought up to speed on? 110 00:04:37,363 --> 00:04:38,669 Which category? 111 00:04:38,669 --> 00:04:41,019 Routine checks or events that were hilarious 112 00:04:41,019 --> 00:04:43,238 and humbled a person who richly deserved it? 113 00:04:43,238 --> 00:04:46,590 Templeton filed a formal complaint so now HR is involved. 114 00:04:46,590 --> 00:04:50,158 Oh no... not the department you want as the arbiter of humor. 115 00:04:50,158 --> 00:04:51,943 You know who's sneaky funny? 116 00:04:51,943 --> 00:04:53,510 Payroll. 117 00:04:53,597 --> 00:04:55,816 Look, Emily, we're really sorry you got dragged into this. 118 00:04:55,816 --> 00:04:58,428 This is one of those rare occasions where our joy 119 00:04:58,428 --> 00:05:00,473 is worth the suffering it causes others. 120 00:05:00,473 --> 00:05:02,954 Well, I'm gonna be on the phone for the next five hours 121 00:05:02,954 --> 00:05:04,085 getting you guys out of trouble. 122 00:05:04,172 --> 00:05:06,131 So, I'm not demanding it, 123 00:05:06,131 --> 00:05:07,828 but a large smoothie from the place that I like on the corner 124 00:05:07,828 --> 00:05:09,395 would be a really thoughtful surprise. 125 00:05:09,395 --> 00:05:10,875 Oh... absolutely Emily. 126 00:05:10,875 --> 00:05:13,312 In fact, I'm gonna get smoothies for the entire office, 127 00:05:13,312 --> 00:05:15,096 including you, Dolores. 128 00:05:15,183 --> 00:05:16,576 Just a gentle reminder, 129 00:05:16,576 --> 00:05:18,230 those cups need to be rinsed before they're recycled. 130 00:05:18,317 --> 00:05:19,536 You bet. 131 00:05:19,623 --> 00:05:20,928 Along with the 400 straws I'm bringing you. 132 00:05:24,236 --> 00:05:25,846 Again, so sorry. 133 00:05:25,846 --> 00:05:29,023 No, absolutely Captain, I hear you loud and clear. 134 00:05:29,023 --> 00:05:31,286 I added the papaya extract boost. 135 00:05:31,286 --> 00:05:32,331 Thank you. 136 00:05:32,418 --> 00:05:33,201 It's an antioxidant. 137 00:05:33,201 --> 00:05:34,855 I figured with all the truck exhaust 138 00:05:34,855 --> 00:05:36,204 and environmental toxins... 139 00:05:36,204 --> 00:05:37,423 You know I read about that. 140 00:05:37,510 --> 00:05:38,424 Do you know what else is supposed to be... 141 00:05:38,424 --> 00:05:40,513 No, absolutely. I agree. 142 00:05:40,513 --> 00:05:43,734 It's a very, very serious incident. 143 00:05:43,734 --> 00:05:45,823 ...is pomegranate extract. 144 00:05:45,823 --> 00:05:47,651 I've been taking it, like, before breakfast 145 00:05:47,651 --> 00:05:49,827 and I feel like I notice a difference in my skin. 146 00:05:49,827 --> 00:05:51,002 Yeah. You got a glow. 147 00:05:51,002 --> 00:05:52,395 Really? 148 00:05:52,482 --> 00:05:53,352 What are you doing for sun protection? 149 00:05:53,439 --> 00:05:55,310 Like, SPF 50 and, like, a big floppy hat... 150 00:05:55,310 --> 00:05:57,269 No... exactly, Captain. 151 00:05:57,269 --> 00:06:00,838 No, I... I spoke to the officers and it won't happen again. 152 00:06:00,838 --> 00:06:02,187 Okay. Super triple promise. 153 00:06:02,187 --> 00:06:04,232 I'm leaving now. Sorry. 154 00:06:04,232 --> 00:06:05,799 Oh wait! I forgot. 155 00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:07,888 I got you this morning glory muffin. 156 00:06:07,888 --> 00:06:09,107 Crazy amount of fiber. 157 00:06:09,107 --> 00:06:10,064 Not that you need it. 158 00:06:10,064 --> 00:06:11,805 You don't come off as constipated at all. 159 00:06:13,546 --> 00:06:15,200 You know I'm not a fan of Templeton but come on, 160 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,028 you went too far. 161 00:06:17,028 --> 00:06:19,509 Since at least the bronze age, pranks have been employed 162 00:06:19,509 --> 00:06:22,250 as a necessary form of workplace justice. 163 00:06:22,250 --> 00:06:24,035 Look... I don't like to get grandiose. 164 00:06:24,035 --> 00:06:25,297 Oh, you love to get grandiose. 165 00:06:25,297 --> 00:06:26,777 That's true, I am pretty good at it. 166 00:06:26,777 --> 00:06:28,300 But if jerks like Templeton go left unchecked, 167 00:06:28,387 --> 00:06:29,910 they become Vladimir Putin. 168 00:06:29,910 --> 00:06:32,478 So sometimes the children of light 169 00:06:32,478 --> 00:06:34,262 have to employ the methods of the children of darkness. 170 00:06:34,262 --> 00:06:35,307 What? 171 00:06:35,307 --> 00:06:37,265 A simple thank you is all I ask. 172 00:06:37,265 --> 00:06:39,006 And now... good day. 173 00:06:41,182 --> 00:06:42,314 Ugh. 174 00:06:43,054 --> 00:06:45,186 He's insufferable! 175 00:06:45,273 --> 00:06:48,276 That dude deserves some serious karmic payback. 176 00:06:48,276 --> 00:06:49,582 I don't really believe in karma. 177 00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:54,282 Too many bad things happen to me when I don't have it coming. 178 00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:03,422 I found this in the recycling bin. 179 00:07:03,422 --> 00:07:04,423 It's Frank's. 180 00:07:04,423 --> 00:07:06,338 Okay, you don't know that. 181 00:07:06,338 --> 00:07:08,296 It's a size 14 and it reeks of arrogance. 182 00:07:08,296 --> 00:07:10,298 Can you just give me a sec? 183 00:07:10,298 --> 00:07:11,604 What's with the pictures of Shred? 184 00:07:12,518 --> 00:07:13,867 Uh, no... nothing. 185 00:07:13,954 --> 00:07:16,391 I was... I was doing some, uh, paperwork and I... 186 00:07:16,391 --> 00:07:17,567 "Shred Taylor penis"? 187 00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:19,394 No! No, no, no. That's not... no. 188 00:07:19,394 --> 00:07:20,874 Why were you Googling that? 189 00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:22,136 No, I... I wasn't. 190 00:07:22,789 --> 00:07:24,878 Well, I was looking up Shred because of, 191 00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:26,924 like, professional, totally above-board reasons... 192 00:07:26,924 --> 00:07:29,230 um... and I think I just, I clicked the wrong button. 193 00:07:29,317 --> 00:07:30,841 Do you have a thing for him? 194 00:07:30,841 --> 00:07:32,190 No. 195 00:07:32,190 --> 00:07:34,540 No! No. He's my employee. 196 00:07:34,540 --> 00:07:36,673 And he has a girlfriend. 197 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:39,240 And regardless of that it's... no. 198 00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:41,634 His penis is frozen? 199 00:07:43,114 --> 00:07:45,203 Yeah. Yeah. 200 00:07:45,203 --> 00:07:48,423 Is or was, I don't know. It's unclear. 201 00:07:48,423 --> 00:07:49,903 How did you even find that? 202 00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:51,339 It's the third thing that pops up. Okay? 203 00:07:51,339 --> 00:07:53,472 It was "Shred Taylor." "Shred Taylor Half-pipe." 204 00:07:53,559 --> 00:07:54,908 "Shred Taylor Frozen Penis." 205 00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:55,909 You totally have a thing for him. 206 00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:57,389 No! 207 00:07:57,389 --> 00:07:58,999 We've just been carpooling a lot and... 208 00:07:58,999 --> 00:08:00,610 and we like the same cheesy music, 209 00:08:00,610 --> 00:08:03,221 and I would never act on it, but, like... yeah. 210 00:08:03,221 --> 00:08:04,439 I looked him up and it turns out, 211 00:08:04,439 --> 00:08:06,224 when he was injured on the slopes, 212 00:08:06,224 --> 00:08:09,793 his, um... extremities were impacted by the cold. 213 00:08:09,793 --> 00:08:12,273 It's, like, a real-life condition that affects Sherpas 214 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:16,060 and ice fisherman and snowboarders. 215 00:08:16,147 --> 00:08:16,582 Well... 216 00:08:17,278 --> 00:08:18,149 Well what? 217 00:08:19,237 --> 00:08:20,194 Does it work? 218 00:08:20,194 --> 00:08:21,456 Okay. Dolores... 219 00:08:21,456 --> 00:08:23,458 None of the articles say anything about that 220 00:08:23,458 --> 00:08:26,070 which is crazy 'cause it's all anyone wants to know. 221 00:08:26,157 --> 00:08:28,420 It's probably fine but you should stop researching it, 222 00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:30,204 it's just gonna make your crush worse. 223 00:08:30,204 --> 00:08:31,554 I don't want it to be fine. 224 00:08:31,641 --> 00:08:33,077 That's the whole thing, if it's... if it's broken 225 00:08:33,164 --> 00:08:34,426 or if it's, like, at a weird angle, 226 00:08:34,426 --> 00:08:35,427 or if it's just, like, straight-up gone 227 00:08:35,514 --> 00:08:38,169 then I can just let this go. 228 00:08:39,692 --> 00:08:42,042 I'll go get my laptop. We'll get to the bottom of this. 229 00:08:42,042 --> 00:08:44,915 - This is gonna be so much fun! - Oh, boy. 230 00:08:48,048 --> 00:08:49,528 Oh crap, it's still on. 231 00:08:49,528 --> 00:08:50,398 What? 232 00:08:51,356 --> 00:08:52,836 Maya hired a photographer 233 00:08:52,836 --> 00:08:54,228 to shoot our Christmas card tonight. 234 00:08:54,315 --> 00:08:55,316 And I've got boobs. 235 00:08:55,316 --> 00:08:57,057 Oh, no you don't. 236 00:08:57,057 --> 00:08:58,885 I was gonna lose 10 pounds before the shoot. 237 00:08:58,885 --> 00:09:00,931 But then you know what happened? I didn't. 238 00:09:00,931 --> 00:09:04,499 She got matching white satin shirts for the whole family. 239 00:09:04,499 --> 00:09:06,023 White satin, Victoria. 240 00:09:06,023 --> 00:09:08,068 Your wife's insane. Postpone it. 241 00:09:08,068 --> 00:09:10,070 I think it's weird to be doing it this early anyway. 242 00:09:10,070 --> 00:09:12,246 It's a competition thing with her sister. 243 00:09:12,246 --> 00:09:13,508 And we're never gonna win. 244 00:09:13,508 --> 00:09:15,249 They're a much more attractive family. 245 00:09:15,249 --> 00:09:16,337 Oh yeah, you showed me a photo. 246 00:09:16,337 --> 00:09:17,425 They're gorgeous. 247 00:09:17,425 --> 00:09:18,078 Hey! 248 00:09:19,602 --> 00:09:22,300 Anyone wanna volunteer for my vaccination clinic Saturday? 249 00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:24,084 - Oh, I would love that. - Yeah, I would love to. 250 00:09:24,084 --> 00:09:25,259 - That sounds great! - Yes! Absolutely. 251 00:09:25,346 --> 00:09:26,739 Great, thanks. 252 00:09:26,739 --> 00:09:29,220 My post-doc resident, Serge, will be covering for me. 253 00:09:29,220 --> 00:09:31,352 - Ooh... - Did you say this Saturday? 254 00:09:31,439 --> 00:09:33,311 Ooh, I've got a kid's soccer game actually. 255 00:09:33,311 --> 00:09:34,399 Actually, I'm free. 256 00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:35,661 Really? 257 00:09:35,661 --> 00:09:37,010 Yeah. Totally. 258 00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:37,750 You're my hero. 259 00:09:40,318 --> 00:09:41,624 You know what, I can do it. 260 00:09:41,711 --> 00:09:43,451 I have experience. I can move some stuff around. 261 00:09:43,451 --> 00:09:44,670 Now you're my hero. 262 00:09:44,670 --> 00:09:47,194 No. It's about the dogs, not about me. 263 00:09:47,194 --> 00:09:48,282 Aww. 264 00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:51,634 You bought that? 265 00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:53,897 You just gave up your Saturday and you still have no shot. 266 00:09:53,897 --> 00:09:56,377 I'm sorry. Did you get an "aww" from the Hot Vet? 267 00:09:56,377 --> 00:09:57,857 Are you her hero? 268 00:09:59,250 --> 00:10:00,164 Oh, and Frank... 269 00:10:01,339 --> 00:10:02,906 I heard what you did to Templeton, 270 00:10:02,906 --> 00:10:04,690 and I shouldn't admit this, but hilarious. 271 00:10:05,648 --> 00:10:06,649 Thanks. 272 00:10:07,780 --> 00:10:11,697 You know, it's rare when a hero is also so funny. 273 00:10:11,697 --> 00:10:13,046 Am I right? 274 00:10:13,699 --> 00:10:14,526 I don't think it was that funny. 275 00:10:15,701 --> 00:10:17,485 Oh, shoot. False alarm. 276 00:10:19,444 --> 00:10:20,097 You got me. 277 00:10:20,924 --> 00:10:22,490 I can't stop thinking about that kid. 278 00:10:23,666 --> 00:10:24,710 What kid? 279 00:10:24,710 --> 00:10:26,190 The kid that's gonna come home, 280 00:10:26,190 --> 00:10:28,583 find his favorite stuffed animal blown to smithereens, 281 00:10:28,583 --> 00:10:30,324 lying headless in the driveway. 282 00:10:30,411 --> 00:10:31,195 That kid. 283 00:10:31,282 --> 00:10:32,805 Look... I'm in a good mood. 284 00:10:32,805 --> 00:10:34,198 Why are you trying to bring me down? 285 00:10:34,285 --> 00:10:36,200 It's just... maybe we should try to replace it. 286 00:10:36,287 --> 00:10:37,418 Okay. What the hell? 287 00:10:37,418 --> 00:10:38,289 After lunch we'll stop by a toy store. 288 00:10:38,289 --> 00:10:40,117 - Nice. - You happy? 289 00:10:40,117 --> 00:10:41,118 - Yes. - Alright. 290 00:10:42,510 --> 00:10:44,512 Whoa. This day just keeps getting better. 291 00:10:45,209 --> 00:10:47,037 You have her under "Hot Vet"? 292 00:10:47,037 --> 00:10:48,299 Yeah, I can't believe she's texting me. 293 00:10:48,299 --> 00:10:50,214 Okay, I gotta... I gotta focus. 294 00:10:55,741 --> 00:10:56,699 What are you gonna say? 295 00:10:56,699 --> 00:10:57,961 I don't know. 296 00:10:57,961 --> 00:10:59,353 I wanna engage without coming on too strong. 297 00:11:03,575 --> 00:11:05,577 Okay. Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay. 298 00:11:05,664 --> 00:11:08,841 What do you think of this? 299 00:11:11,322 --> 00:11:12,497 You nailed it. 300 00:11:12,497 --> 00:11:13,672 Send. 301 00:11:14,978 --> 00:11:17,328 Ha, ha! Bingo! 302 00:11:17,328 --> 00:11:18,677 He's on the hook. 303 00:11:18,677 --> 00:11:19,547 What'd he say? 304 00:11:19,547 --> 00:11:20,984 Just "hey". 305 00:11:20,984 --> 00:11:22,812 He's trying to play it down like it's no big deal 306 00:11:22,812 --> 00:11:25,597 but I know that he's as giddy as a little school girl. 307 00:11:25,597 --> 00:11:26,859 What are we gonna text him? 308 00:11:26,859 --> 00:11:28,600 No, nothing yet. I'm gonna make him sweat. 309 00:11:28,687 --> 00:11:29,601 But thank you. 310 00:11:29,688 --> 00:11:30,689 Yes. 311 00:11:30,776 --> 00:11:32,386 ...By the way. This was a genius idea. 312 00:11:32,386 --> 00:11:33,648 My wife does it all the time. 313 00:11:33,648 --> 00:11:35,172 I'll leave my phone somewhere 314 00:11:35,172 --> 00:11:36,434 and when she calls me, 315 00:11:36,434 --> 00:11:37,740 her name comes up as "suburban sex goddess" 316 00:11:37,740 --> 00:11:38,784 or "spicy mama". 317 00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:41,352 Or "need almond milk". 318 00:11:41,439 --> 00:11:42,266 That one's just when she needs almond milk. 319 00:11:42,353 --> 00:11:43,354 - No, I... I got that. - Yeah. 320 00:11:43,354 --> 00:11:44,659 Anything? 321 00:11:44,659 --> 00:11:46,183 Nothing. Total silence. 322 00:11:48,185 --> 00:11:49,490 Three dots and a bubble, here we go! 323 00:11:49,577 --> 00:11:51,536 So, she's crafting her words carefully. 324 00:11:51,536 --> 00:11:53,494 - Oh, hell yeah. - Come on. 325 00:11:53,581 --> 00:11:57,281 Okay, how does this sound? My thing got cancelled. 326 00:11:57,368 --> 00:11:59,587 "...so, you'll be stuck with me all day Saturday." 327 00:11:59,587 --> 00:12:01,024 Yes! 328 00:12:01,024 --> 00:12:02,373 Dude, have some champagne chilled in the truck, 329 00:12:02,373 --> 00:12:03,809 just in case. 330 00:12:03,809 --> 00:12:05,724 Right? It does feel officially safe to get cocky. 331 00:12:05,724 --> 00:12:07,247 Yes. 332 00:12:15,038 --> 00:12:16,039 Okay, there's gotta be something. 333 00:12:16,039 --> 00:12:17,344 Do you have anything? 334 00:12:17,431 --> 00:12:19,607 Zero. And some of the websites I stumbled onto 335 00:12:19,607 --> 00:12:21,000 were not what I was thinking 336 00:12:21,087 --> 00:12:22,175 and I'm scared there's gonna be a knock on my door. 337 00:12:22,828 --> 00:12:24,047 Okay, this is maddening. 338 00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:26,397 I cannot be the only person in the universe 339 00:12:26,397 --> 00:12:29,052 who wants to know the condition of Shred Taylor's penis. 340 00:12:29,052 --> 00:12:31,924 Alright. I'm gonna use Patel's computer and hit the dark web. 341 00:12:35,536 --> 00:12:37,060 None of these are big enough. 342 00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:40,063 Okay. She just said, "is it weird I'm texting you? 343 00:12:40,063 --> 00:12:41,847 "You know, since we're coworkers". 344 00:12:41,847 --> 00:12:43,283 Well, that's a good point, you know, 345 00:12:43,283 --> 00:12:44,719 'cause it could get awkward. 346 00:12:44,719 --> 00:12:46,504 Are you sure you wanna take it there? 347 00:12:46,504 --> 00:12:47,679 I would take a lifetime of awkward 348 00:12:47,679 --> 00:12:49,550 just to spend one night with her. 349 00:12:49,637 --> 00:12:50,421 So, what do you think of this? 350 00:12:51,422 --> 00:12:53,511 Maybe a little. 351 00:12:53,511 --> 00:12:55,905 No. Don't say that. You're gonna get in her head. 352 00:12:55,905 --> 00:12:56,862 Exactly. Keep her off balance. 353 00:12:56,862 --> 00:12:58,168 Why would you wanna do that? 354 00:12:58,168 --> 00:12:59,865 This is a game of chess, it's a battle of wits. 355 00:12:59,865 --> 00:13:01,649 No, it's more like a dance. 356 00:13:01,649 --> 00:13:02,912 And I'm not saying that 357 00:13:02,912 --> 00:13:04,783 just 'cause I don't know how to play chess. 358 00:13:04,870 --> 00:13:07,742 Hold her hand. See where the music takes you. 359 00:13:07,742 --> 00:13:09,788 I haven't been on a date in five months 360 00:13:09,875 --> 00:13:11,529 so I'm not letting you get in my head. 361 00:13:11,529 --> 00:13:13,487 I'm sticking with chess. I'm sending it. 362 00:13:13,574 --> 00:13:15,533 Fine. 363 00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:16,534 But we're wasting our time. 364 00:13:16,534 --> 00:13:18,797 I know where to get a giant stuffed animal. 365 00:13:18,884 --> 00:13:20,407 Wait. They have really good puzzles here. 366 00:13:21,626 --> 00:13:23,715 "Maybe a little." 367 00:13:23,715 --> 00:13:25,456 What a jerk. Who even says that? 368 00:13:26,587 --> 00:13:27,588 Are you listening to me? 369 00:13:28,763 --> 00:13:31,027 I'm spinning out about this damn Christmas card. 370 00:13:31,114 --> 00:13:33,333 I'm gonna be on refrigerators all over Seattle. 371 00:13:33,333 --> 00:13:35,292 A diet inspiration for pudgy, middle-aged men. 372 00:13:35,292 --> 00:13:37,250 I just find it hilarious that mister slobbering 373 00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:40,384 all over himself is suddenly mister self-control. 374 00:13:40,471 --> 00:13:41,776 He takes, like, 10 minutes 375 00:13:41,776 --> 00:13:43,778 to craft each of his three-word replies. 376 00:13:43,778 --> 00:13:45,650 I'm gonna be a white satin man boob reminder 377 00:13:45,650 --> 00:13:46,869 to put down the ice cream. 378 00:13:47,478 --> 00:13:49,784 I wanna help my community, yeah, but not like that. 379 00:13:49,784 --> 00:13:51,612 I'm gonna tell him I had a dream about him last night. 380 00:13:52,352 --> 00:13:54,354 No, that's mean. Don't do that. 381 00:13:54,354 --> 00:13:55,312 Too mean or good mean? 382 00:13:56,052 --> 00:13:57,357 You know what I think? 383 00:13:57,357 --> 00:13:58,619 What do you think? 384 00:13:58,706 --> 00:13:59,925 I don't think you're getting off on the cruelty of the prank, 385 00:13:59,925 --> 00:14:02,275 I think you're just getting off. 386 00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:03,624 What? 387 00:14:03,624 --> 00:14:05,583 Yeah. I think you like the flirtation. 388 00:14:05,583 --> 00:14:06,627 I think you like him. 389 00:14:06,714 --> 00:14:07,890 Frank? That's crazy. 390 00:14:07,890 --> 00:14:09,717 Okay, then why... why are you blushing? 391 00:14:09,717 --> 00:14:10,849 I'm not blushing. 392 00:14:10,936 --> 00:14:12,633 I'm emotionally tormenting someone because it's fun. 393 00:14:12,633 --> 00:14:13,808 Mmhmm. 394 00:14:13,896 --> 00:14:15,985 I've got my flaws and I'm fine with it. 395 00:14:15,985 --> 00:14:17,290 At least your flaws are on the inside. 396 00:14:17,638 --> 00:14:18,857 Right? 397 00:14:18,944 --> 00:14:20,032 Truck eight. Please respond. 398 00:14:20,032 --> 00:14:22,034 Kangaroo escaped from the Seattle Zoo. 399 00:14:22,034 --> 00:14:24,689 Zookeeper is requesting back-up. 101 East Webster. 400 00:14:25,864 --> 00:14:27,387 Truck eight responding. 401 00:14:27,997 --> 00:14:29,389 Okay. I'm gonna need you to focus. 402 00:14:29,389 --> 00:14:31,391 Okay. I'm bringing out the big guns. 403 00:14:31,391 --> 00:14:33,524 I'm gonna blow his horny little mind. 404 00:14:36,396 --> 00:14:37,789 Come on... no service? 405 00:14:37,789 --> 00:14:40,096 What is it, the bumper cars are interfering? 406 00:14:40,183 --> 00:14:42,533 Will you please knock these down so we can get outta here. 407 00:14:42,533 --> 00:14:43,490 I'm trying, Frank. 408 00:14:46,406 --> 00:14:48,060 What is going on? I thought you were an athlete. 409 00:14:48,060 --> 00:14:49,975 Yeah, in a leg-based sport. This is, like, an arm sport. 410 00:14:49,975 --> 00:14:51,324 There's wrist stuff... 411 00:14:51,803 --> 00:14:52,804 I gotta get back into cell service. 412 00:14:53,805 --> 00:14:55,589 See? It's not so easy. 413 00:14:55,589 --> 00:14:56,851 Excuse me. Sir? 414 00:14:56,851 --> 00:14:58,679 How much for that huge lion on the top row? 415 00:14:58,766 --> 00:14:59,898 Prizes are not for sale. 416 00:14:59,898 --> 00:15:01,030 Look at that, Shred. 417 00:15:01,030 --> 00:15:02,553 We found the one carny with scruples. 418 00:15:02,553 --> 00:15:03,815 Can you believe it? 419 00:15:03,815 --> 00:15:04,772 We can... we can earn it. 420 00:15:04,772 --> 00:15:06,731 Okay. Well, how about... now? 421 00:15:09,603 --> 00:15:11,779 That might get you something from the second row. 422 00:15:11,779 --> 00:15:12,606 Like a little badger. 423 00:15:12,693 --> 00:15:13,607 But are you serious? 424 00:15:13,694 --> 00:15:16,088 We need the lion, Frank. 425 00:15:16,088 --> 00:15:17,611 How much for something from the top row? 426 00:15:18,656 --> 00:15:19,352 Three badgers. 427 00:15:21,311 --> 00:15:22,703 There's a cash machine by the funnel cakes. 428 00:15:22,790 --> 00:15:23,661 Two and a half badgers! 429 00:15:23,661 --> 00:15:24,879 This is extortion. 430 00:15:24,879 --> 00:15:26,969 This was a very reasonable bribe. 431 00:15:27,708 --> 00:15:28,883 Excuse me, guys, sorry. 432 00:15:28,883 --> 00:15:30,668 Excuse me, coming through guys. Thank you. 433 00:15:31,234 --> 00:15:32,452 Officer Patel, This is Officer Sands. 434 00:15:32,452 --> 00:15:33,366 What's the situation? 435 00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:36,935 Jumping Jack. Second time he's escaped. 436 00:15:37,022 --> 00:15:38,458 Anyway, we got him trapped. 437 00:15:38,458 --> 00:15:39,503 What do you need from us? 438 00:15:39,590 --> 00:15:40,939 Not much. 439 00:15:40,939 --> 00:15:42,680 Just stay here and help keep away the looky-loos. 440 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:43,681 - Hmm. - 'Kay. 441 00:15:43,681 --> 00:15:45,074 Alright, Jack. 442 00:15:45,074 --> 00:15:46,684 Don't you need, like, a net or something? 443 00:15:46,684 --> 00:15:48,207 No, just grab him by the tail. 444 00:15:48,947 --> 00:15:49,948 Sure. 445 00:15:50,035 --> 00:15:51,776 Alright, Jack. Vacation's over, buddy. 446 00:15:51,776 --> 00:15:52,995 Okay. Whoa! 447 00:15:53,604 --> 00:15:54,866 Um... 448 00:15:54,866 --> 00:15:56,215 What... what should we do? 449 00:15:56,215 --> 00:15:59,479 Stand your ground. We'll sneak up from behind. 450 00:15:59,479 --> 00:16:01,525 Ooh... hey mate. 451 00:16:01,612 --> 00:16:02,352 Just like this? 452 00:16:02,352 --> 00:16:03,831 G'day. Hello. 453 00:16:04,571 --> 00:16:05,746 What's he doing? 454 00:16:08,140 --> 00:16:11,056 Don't mess with me, kangaroo. I boxed Golden Gloves. 455 00:16:12,144 --> 00:16:13,667 He's got a crazy look in his eye. 456 00:16:13,667 --> 00:16:14,712 Keep him engaged. 457 00:16:14,799 --> 00:16:16,714 Roger. I'll amp up the trash talk. 458 00:16:16,714 --> 00:16:18,672 What do you weigh, 140? Huh? 459 00:16:18,672 --> 00:16:19,978 Welterweight's got nothing on me, Jack. 460 00:16:19,978 --> 00:16:21,371 I'm 160. 461 00:16:21,371 --> 00:16:24,069 Wouldn't telling him your real weight be scarier? 462 00:16:24,069 --> 00:16:26,506 Don't press on my insecurities! 463 00:16:26,506 --> 00:16:27,899 He doesn't seem afraid of you. 464 00:16:27,986 --> 00:16:30,858 Oh yeah? You ready to go? Huh? 465 00:16:30,858 --> 00:16:31,859 'Cause I'm ready to go. 466 00:16:33,035 --> 00:16:34,079 Oh! 467 00:16:34,079 --> 00:16:37,256 That's gotta hurt, yeah. You okay? 468 00:16:38,301 --> 00:16:40,085 Keep it up, just a little longer. 469 00:16:40,085 --> 00:16:41,043 Is that all you got? 470 00:16:44,655 --> 00:16:47,092 Oh, mate. Ow, yeah. Down you go. 471 00:16:47,919 --> 00:16:49,964 Okay. We got him! 472 00:16:49,964 --> 00:16:51,270 - Good work, officer. - See ya, mate. 473 00:16:52,532 --> 00:16:53,098 See ya. 474 00:16:55,100 --> 00:16:58,190 How you doing down there? Yeah? You a bit winded? 475 00:16:58,190 --> 00:16:59,278 Come on, come on, come on, come on. 476 00:17:01,019 --> 00:17:02,673 Oh! Finally, a signal. Three bars. 477 00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:06,590 She... she wants me to come over tonight 478 00:17:06,677 --> 00:17:09,071 for a quote unquote drink. 479 00:17:09,071 --> 00:17:12,596 Holy moly! The Hot Vet and me! 480 00:17:12,683 --> 00:17:14,380 Knight to queen four! 481 00:17:15,947 --> 00:17:17,470 - What? - It's chess! 482 00:17:24,956 --> 00:17:26,653 I can't believe I got my ass kicked by a kangaroo. 483 00:17:26,653 --> 00:17:27,785 Hmm. 484 00:17:28,916 --> 00:17:30,831 Ooh! Mrs. Claus is texting you. 485 00:17:30,918 --> 00:17:32,311 Crap. I forgot about the photo shoot. 486 00:17:35,009 --> 00:17:38,056 Which I no longer have to do. 487 00:17:38,143 --> 00:17:39,101 Maya's not gonna want a Christmas card 488 00:17:39,101 --> 00:17:40,928 with this hideous face on it. 489 00:17:45,019 --> 00:17:46,717 Everything's coming up Patel. 490 00:18:12,177 --> 00:18:13,787 Uh... by any chance 491 00:18:13,787 --> 00:18:16,790 are you someone we work with's roommate? 492 00:18:16,790 --> 00:18:17,965 The Hot Vet just doesn't seem like the type 493 00:18:17,965 --> 00:18:20,490 to do something like this. 494 00:18:20,490 --> 00:18:22,187 Collette, Frank. Her name is Collette. 495 00:18:22,187 --> 00:18:25,408 Collette the vet? That's unfortunate. 496 00:18:25,408 --> 00:18:26,974 This is ridiculous. I'm just gonna call her. 497 00:18:30,108 --> 00:18:31,327 Yes. 498 00:18:33,198 --> 00:18:34,547 Hello. 499 00:18:34,634 --> 00:18:36,680 Victoria? What are you doing with Hot Vet's phone? 500 00:18:36,767 --> 00:18:38,334 You tell me. You're the expert on pranks. 501 00:18:40,031 --> 00:18:41,075 Oh, my God, it was you? 502 00:18:41,075 --> 00:18:43,208 Sometimes the children of the light 503 00:18:43,208 --> 00:18:46,211 need to use the methods of the children of darkness. 504 00:18:46,211 --> 00:18:47,647 The whole time? 505 00:18:47,647 --> 00:18:48,692 How does it feel? 506 00:18:48,779 --> 00:18:49,997 Bad. It feels really bad. 507 00:18:49,997 --> 00:18:51,303 Yeah. 508 00:18:51,390 --> 00:18:52,609 But I gotta say, I'm a little impressed. 509 00:18:52,696 --> 00:18:55,525 If I were wearing a cap, I would tip it to you. 510 00:18:55,525 --> 00:18:58,963 Oh, I would love that. But did you learn anything? 511 00:18:58,963 --> 00:19:01,270 Yes. That I can dish it out but I absolutely can't take it. 512 00:19:01,270 --> 00:19:02,706 So, will you stop pranking people so much? 513 00:19:02,706 --> 00:19:04,316 No. 514 00:19:04,316 --> 00:19:06,536 But I will be more vigilant about not getting gotten myself. 515 00:19:06,536 --> 00:19:10,061 And, I don't know when, it may take years... 516 00:19:10,061 --> 00:19:11,105 but I will retaliate. 517 00:19:11,105 --> 00:19:11,889 Can't wait. 518 00:19:11,889 --> 00:19:12,803 Goodnight Victoria. 519 00:19:14,718 --> 00:19:16,241 Sucka lucka. 520 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:17,982 I'm sorry, Delores, 521 00:19:17,982 --> 00:19:21,551 that you became a pawn in Victoria's sick game. 522 00:19:21,551 --> 00:19:23,248 Leave the bottle of wine and we'll call it even. 523 00:19:24,684 --> 00:19:25,729 I don't know. 524 00:19:25,816 --> 00:19:28,122 I had high hopes for this evening and I splurged. 525 00:19:28,122 --> 00:19:29,385 Okay, what about one glass? 526 00:19:30,777 --> 00:19:31,996 That seems fair. 527 00:19:34,259 --> 00:19:35,565 I gotta say, 528 00:19:35,565 --> 00:19:39,351 you are being very not horrible about all this. 529 00:19:41,092 --> 00:19:43,137 Hey, can I ask you something? 530 00:19:43,137 --> 00:19:45,966 Has Shred ever mentioned an unusual sports injury? 531 00:19:46,053 --> 00:19:47,272 Oh, you read about the frozen penis thing 532 00:19:47,272 --> 00:19:48,186 and wanna know if it still works? 533 00:19:48,186 --> 00:19:49,361 There's been some discussion. 534 00:19:49,448 --> 00:19:53,713 Oh, I've asked him. And it's... a-okay. 535 00:19:53,713 --> 00:19:55,759 And I've seen it. In the restroom. 536 00:19:55,846 --> 00:19:58,849 It's, and I don't know how else to describe it... 537 00:20:00,111 --> 00:20:02,505 Gorgeous. It's pristine. 538 00:20:02,505 --> 00:20:04,071 Like a renaissance artist sculpted it 539 00:20:04,071 --> 00:20:06,335 and then killed himself 'cause he could do no finer work. 540 00:20:06,335 --> 00:20:08,075 God, that guy just glides through life. 541 00:20:08,075 --> 00:20:09,773 The universe is truly garbage. 542 00:20:12,384 --> 00:20:14,691 Would it be unpleasant if I joined you for a glass? 543 00:20:14,691 --> 00:20:16,083 It would not be unpleasant. 544 00:20:16,997 --> 00:20:18,869 As long as you properly recycle that bottle. 545 00:20:19,652 --> 00:20:21,001 Did you just make a joke? 546 00:20:22,307 --> 00:20:23,090 Maybe. 547 00:20:25,092 --> 00:20:27,138 I hope the kid likes it. 548 00:20:27,138 --> 00:20:28,661 This is really nice of you. 549 00:20:28,661 --> 00:20:30,750 No... it's not that big a deal. 550 00:20:30,750 --> 00:20:31,577 Oh. 551 00:20:35,886 --> 00:20:36,278 No... 552 00:20:36,843 --> 00:20:38,018 Okay buddy. 553 00:20:38,105 --> 00:20:38,845 Are you kidding? 554 00:20:41,892 --> 00:20:42,936 You ready to go? You alright? 555 00:20:43,023 --> 00:20:45,025 - Yeah, oh yeah. - Okay. 556 00:20:46,940 --> 00:20:48,333 - Whoa! - What? 557 00:20:48,333 --> 00:20:49,465 Down the street. 558 00:20:52,250 --> 00:20:53,251 Wow. 559 00:20:56,428 --> 00:20:59,997 Frank was right. It is majestic. 560 00:20:59,997 --> 00:21:02,042 It's beautiful. 561 00:21:03,130 --> 00:21:05,568 Um... but also super dangerous 562 00:21:05,568 --> 00:21:08,092 so maybe we should get back in the car and report it. 563 00:21:08,092 --> 00:21:09,789 - Oh, yeah. - Yeah. 564 00:21:09,789 --> 00:21:11,313 - We should be fast. - Oh, my God. 565 00:21:13,184 --> 00:21:14,751 To all units... 566 00:21:14,838 --> 00:21:18,232 two off-duty officers report a cougar at 425 Knoll Drive. 567 00:21:18,232 --> 00:21:19,930 Officer Dutch responding. 568 00:21:19,930 --> 00:21:22,280 I am instructing the reporting officers 569 00:21:22,367 --> 00:21:24,717 to take their fake cougar and shove it up their- 570 00:21:26,893 --> 00:21:27,938 Over. 571 00:21:32,116 --> 00:21:33,378 No one can know about this. 572 00:21:33,378 --> 00:21:35,032 Obviously. 573 00:21:35,032 --> 00:21:37,382 This was like a one... one-and-a-half time thing. 574 00:21:37,382 --> 00:21:38,775 Obviously.