♪
[beeps]
All right the happy couple is three minutes out.
This is so romantic.
This lady has no idea she's about to adopt a kid
and then get proposed to on the same day.
Couple goals!
Yeah. Wow.
Just what every woman wants.
To take care of two living things until they die.
What a great way to start a marriage.
Through deception.
I hid Maya's ring in a cupcake.
And then I forgot about it, and I ate it.
And then I went to the hospital.
Okay. Places, people.
You're coming, you're coming, we're all going.
Here you go.
[Victoria] Good! Good, good, good. Good.
- [notification alert] They're here. They're here!
Glad we didn't overcomplicate this.
Jessica broke up with me in the parking lot.
Congratulations!
[doves chitter]
♪ [vocalizing]
I miss bath crayons.
You know, you're soakin', you're drawin'.
You make a mistake, you scrub it off the tub.
You fall asleep, you drown in two inches of water.
Sorry.
I finished that story the way I wanted it to end.
[radio static] [Dispatch] Dispatch to Truck 12.
There's an emotional support donkey loose
in Seattle Grace Hospital.
Truck 12 responding.
Hmm. A creature known only for kicking
as a support animal.
At least they're already near the ER.
When I was a boy, I had a hermit crab
with the patience of an angel.
Turns out it was just a shell.
Nothing inside. But...
that shell got me through some really hard times.
[Emily] Hey, guys. I've gotten a few calls about
a deceased raccoon in the middle of Boylston Ave,
Olive Road. Can you pick him up?
Starting the morning with a splat.
We're on it. Do you wanna scoop the splat,
or do you wanna be a bag duty?
If it's a flat splat, I'll scoop.
-Mm-hmm. -They're actually kinda fun.
It's like peeling off nail polish.
Okay, you guys realize
you're still on the radio, right?
Uh... no, we're not, I...
I still got my finger on the button.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
It's just a little too soon, guys.
The raccoon had a family.
It's just shop talk.
You can't take the heat, you get outta the kitchen.
[Emily] Well, I'm trying to,
but you keep holding down the button.
-Oh, whoops. -Your thumb is on it!
So, a volunteer said the donkey got spooked when a patient
rang the "done with chemo" bell.
[metal clattering]
[donkey brays]
[Frank] Oh.
Hope this isn't contagious.
Hello there, you rough draft of a horse.
[Frank] There you go.
All right. Nice.
[man] This place stinks!
Nothing good on the TV. And what the hell keeps beepin?
It can't be.
[door slams]
-It's definitely him. -Yeah.
-What happened, Dad? -Nothing.
I just love hangin' around in hospitals.
I had a heart attack!
Ya boob.
Papa Shaw, no!
-Are you okay? -I'm gonna be fine.
Shoot. Maybe we could get a second opinion?
You can ask your new girlfriend here.
There's that classic Shaw family love language. Hate.
I'm gonna call Patrick. I assume you were
too proud to notify any of your other children?
I'm not proud of anything involving my children.
You know, it's weird that someone with
a charcoal briquette for a heart
could even have a heart attack.
Yeah, a lotta love being hurled around in here.
Can you get that ass outta my room?
[donkey snorts]
You're gonna have to be more specific.
Did you see the look on that dead raccoon's face?
He was like...
No, he was more like...
-Like, scared. -Yeah.
-[Emily] Hey, Patel.
I have some bad news, uh...
Somehow all of the food that was donated for
your community outreach event caught on fire.
Wh-- wh-what?
[Patel] How does that even happen?
Yeah, well, we think it might've been a spark
from an electrical wire. I mean, Roman's contractors
really cut a lot of corners putting
this place together, so...
Also, his crew had the worst catcalling game.
Lotta repeats.
Yeah, I do agree with that.
Um, luckily the fire was contained, but,
yeah, all the food is obviously ruined.
I need all that kibble.
We open up the kennel on Wednesdays to give away
free food to the public. What am I supposed to do?
Just, like, sit there and take in the frowns
and the disappointment like I'm at home?
Well, I would just restock. I mean, you still have money
in the outreach budget, right?
Yeah, that's a good point.
I don't have any of the money! I blew through all of it
for the Sip n' Snip.
I shouldn't have got those swag bags!
Again, still holding down the button!
-Oh! - What do you mean
the money's gone? -I gotta stop doing that.
- [Emily rambling] -Turn her off.
You just have to get creative.
I'll help you.
Thanks.
Did you start the fire?
Accidentally, yeah, I did. I started the fire.
But- I was smoking weed in there.
Mm-hmm. So, let me get this straight.
You were getting high by the dry goods
at the place where you work.
I wasn't getting high. It was one joint.
Would it kill you to get me a cheeseburger?
Dad, are you okay?
I brought you calla lilies. Mom's favorite.
Did you get those at the same drugstore
you buy your tampons?
Thanks for coming. He needed a fresh target.
Good news, Mr. Shaw.
Your numbers have stabilized, so we're gonna discharge you.
Oh, hey! Let the healing begin.
You sure you don't need to keep him for, like,
a month or two?
Yeah, we'll sign off on any unnecessary exams and probes.
The nurses have made it very clear.
If we don't discharge him as soon as possible,
they will strike.
Wow. Banned from a Denny's, a church, and now a hospital.
-Kind of on a hot streak. -[Jimmy] Whatever.
I'm going home.
Little miss.
You get my trousers and look away.
I...
He should make a full recovery, but he'll need to be monitored.
I suggest he stay with one of you for the week.
[both] Not it! Nose goes.
-Rock, paper, scissors. -Best out of five.
[both] Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
A smart guy would do paper right now.
Then do it, smart guy.
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
Tap! Ow!
Come on.
This is our father that we're talking about.
You're right. This isn't a game.
First one to the medical waste bin
around the corner wins. -Okay.
I don't agree with anything that brought us here,
but I love a competition.
On your marks.
And...
Go!
[crash sounds]
[both groaning]
♪
[woman gasps]
♪
I hope you enjoy emptying bedpa--
Ah!
[laughing]
Ha! Ha! I win!
Yeah, only because I got doored.
Doesn't matter.
[sing-song] 'Cause you have to take Dad.
You have to take Dad.
Oh. Oh...
♪
I don't know how to work this crap.
Yeah, that's the idea.
Keep you distracted for a couple hours.
I almost forgot, if you need anything,
anything at all...
Whistle for Frank.
Here we go, Mr. Shaw.
[high-pitched tweet] -Ow!
Keep this kid from messing around back there.
Are you trying to take my wallet?
I took your wallet, and keys.
And as fun as it would be to watch,
Doc says you can't drive.
So, I'm stuck in this frickin' dump?
Okay, well, as the owner of this house,
dump feels like a strong word.
I mean, have you seen the new backsplash?
Scooter Munchkin here is your landlord?
How are you still renting at your age?
Well, you could stay at my place, Dad.
But remember, the condo board deemed you as undesirable.
Hey, hey, hey.
One of you knuckleheads
go and get my sweater back at the house.
The blue one.
I cannot do it. I'm still at work.
I got an active DUI checkpoint going right now.
Dad, goodbye. Frank...
I'm turning off my phone.
Shred, the backsplash is amazing.
I need my sweater.
I'm not driving to your house to get your sweater.
You can borrow one of mine.
Oh, just give me a second to find the itchiest one.
[high-pitched tweet]
Fine, I'll pick it up during lunch.
Unless you wanna have an even bigger heart attack right now
and just be done with it?
No? All right.
I'll leave that with you. And Mr. Shaw...
these lights are on a dimmer, if that helps you relax.
Maybe we can still give this away if we just say
it's been slow-roasted?
Yeah, yeah, these carcinogens probably taste great.
-[Victoria] Hi. -Hi. Sorry.
The, uh, donation center's temporarily closed.
We are, uh, out of inventory right now.
I'd actually like to make a donation.
I don't need this food anymore,
my... cat passed away.
Oh.
Well, let me just take this moment to say...
Your cat has amazing timing.
Thank you! Sorry for your loss.
We need pet food.
But you know who doesn't?
Dead pets.
Wait, I hope you're not suggesting that we kill pets.
No, but I think I have a plan.
Yeah, now I gotta check in with my dumb dad
every couple of hours.
Because of a major cardiac event he experienced.
He's gonna outlive us all.
He told me that on my 10th birthday.
And now he's at my house,
probably rifling through all my stuff.
Are you worried he's gonna find your diary?
It's a captain's log and he's never gonna find it.
I have it hidden behind--
Oh. Nice try.
[sighs]
Wait, what's that, what's that rustling sound?
Is that potato chips?
No, that would be crinklier.
No, no, Frank is
stress eating sugar-free gummy worms right now.
Look, I've been grinding my teeth lately.
It's a dissolvable bite guard, okay?
You eat all the sweet treats you need, buddy, it's...
It's tough taking care of an aging parent, it really is.
Your mom's, like, 45. Whatever.
Uh, actually, my mom just turned 50,
and I can't wait to take care of her
'cause she's gonna be such a fun roommate, she really is.
[Patel] Yep. Aging parents can be tough.
Not for me, personally.
I got all these siblings and cousins.
I'm never gonna have to worry about it.
Yeah, my sister's on the hook for our parents
'cause she's a hospice nurse, so she's, like, really sweet
about gross old people.
[Patel] Yeah, they're gross.
[phone rings] -[Patel] We're both lucky.
-Hi, Emily. -Hey, Frank.
Your, um... your dad is here.
[Frank] What? Ugh!
Look, he senses heat like the Predator.
My best advice is to cover yourself in mud and don't move.
[Emily] He's been strongly requesting his sweater.
I offered him my office cardigan,
and he said he does not like balloon sleeves.
You have my permission to put him down.
I wanna watch the Mariner game.
Okay. Yeah.
We can set you up on the iPad until Frank gets back.
And bring me my sweater, dipstick.
Yeah, and bring the sweater, dipstick.
Sorry, Frank.
-Don't look at me. -Okay.
No pine tar players who aren't fat.
Baseball's not the same game.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, sorry, um,
I can change that if you wanna watch something else.
No, this is a good one.
Pedro and Gemma get into a fight.
Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait. Are-are you telling me
that you watch Hot Pursuit?
Well, at first I thought it was a cop show,
and then it got its hooks in me.
It's literally my favorite dating show of all time.
We have to turn the volume up.
Throw the subtitles on too.
Definitely. I can never understand what Gemma is saying.
A donation like this would be a wonderful way to honor
the memory of Rusty.
Yeah, now that he's crossed over the Rainbow Bridge,
his earthly possessions can be put to good use.
I think Rusty would've liked that.
Absolutely. Yeah.
Oh, come here, you.
I know this is a difficult time, but...
may I ask, did you buy in bulk?
Hey, come here, just for a second.
There's another service starting
and look at the size of the gravestone.
You just know they spoiled their dog.
Please donate before 5:00 PM. Thank you.
Watch out.
Oh... God.
Another great ep.
Though I don't know how they can legally call
any of those things bathing suits, but...
Well, it's good that you have this show.
Yeah.
Wait, what do you mean?
Nothing. It fills a void for you, it's good.
Okay, well, you don't actually know that much about me, so.
Well, I was a detective for 30 years.
I can draw a few conclusions.
-Please don't. -You have a...
small bald spot
in an irregular location on your scalp.
-No. -You're a worrier.
And you're a workaholic.
And clearly you're not married,
based on that withering ring finger.
Excuse me. Um...
I am actually very happy with my life,
and I am not in a rush for any of that stuff.
Well, part of the issue is how you dress.
What's with the blazer?
You win the Masters?
The homeowner said she's been hearing a scuttling sound
coming from up there for the past two weeks,
and she said it's less of a shhk-shhk-shhk-shhk-shhk,
and more of a tick-tick-tick-tick-kk-kk.
Huh. Annoying and unhelpful as usual, thanks.
[phone rings]
Hey, Emily. Putting you on speaker.
Hi, Frank, yeah, your father's a nightmare.
So, his condition hasn't changed.
Sounds like you 86'd him?
Darn right, I put him in the parking lot.
Isn't it about to rain?
[Emily] Yes, so please come pick him up.
I am gonna go journal. Bye.
[phone rings]
[thunder cracks]
[Jimmy] What?
I'm sending a cab to take you to my house.
I'm not getting into some driverless robot car.
No, I said a cab, probably driven by another
half-blind old man like you.
It's going to start raining.
[Jimmy] I do just fine in the rain.
Ask the Viet Cong.
[yells]
Are you-- are you all right?
Yeah. I'm fine. No! I'm not.
He's probably gonna catch pneumonia,
and then I'll be stuck with him indefinitely.
Him: slowly fusing to the fabric in the couch.
Me, explaining what happened to the old host of Jeopardy!
That's my life, forever!
[chittering] -Ahh!
-Shred, quick!
Hey, are you okay?
[Frank holds his breath]
All right, you're scaring me a little bit.
Vision's goin' blurry.
Just gonna take a closer look at the floor.
Wait. Frank?
Frank, I only know how to do CPR on a dog.
-I need you to get up. Ahh! [animal chitters]
Ahh! Ahh...
Haven't you done enough?
[beeping]
OMG, look who's here!
You remember Patel.
Victoria. Emily.
Dude, I didn't hit my head.
[Emily] We came as soon as we heard.
Well, as soon as we could make out what Shred was saying
in between sobs.
Okay guys, I'm fine.
Unless I'm not, of course.
Well, we're here for you, buddy.
You got a plan for this sherbet?
Oh, and don't worry, Frank. Your dad is okay.
-I didn't ask. -He's down in the car.
And can I just say, I am surprised this is
your first heart episode,
Mr. Shaw! Good news.
Your EKG results are normal.
-[Shred] Yes! -Yes! I knew it.
My heart is awesome. Yours all suck.
Yeah, it seems this incident was simply caused by
excessive flatulence.
[Emily] Oh.
Thank you, doctor, for waiting until
all my co-workers were present to give me that diagnosis.
Could we get that report in writing?
We'd love to frame it.
Have you had any sugar-free foods recently?
Yes. My man was mainlining sugar-free gummy worms all day.
Well, that would do it. We found high amounts of
sorbitol in your blood, which can contribute
to chest pain and high levels of gas.
Yeah, I was here when the nurse released it, and, uh,
I will never forget what I heard.
[Frank] Stop, stop.
Listen, I don't usually eat this way.
I track all my macros across three different apps.
I'm just...
wound a little tight today.
Well, today was a false alarm.
But with your family history of heart disease,
it's important that you manage your stress.
You know, I still have a lot to process, so...
I'm gonna have to ask all of you to leave the room.
- Absolutely. - Of course.
Immediately.
[Emily] Yeah.
No, we gotta go. We gotta go right now.
-We gotta go right now! -Go-go-go-go!
[Victoria] Yes!
Okay, I just got a message from that family
who buried their poodle.
Two bags of food and a gently used dog bed.
At this rate, I'm gonna need a second shed.
Hey, guys, I just got a pretty weird call.
A man said that you were
soliciting him during his cat's funeral?
-Mmhmm. -No, we didn't mean to interrupt
the service, it was just a super long moment of silence.
What?
Actually, we brought them closure.
And scored a bunch of free stuff. Up top.
Look, your job is very hard, but it has turned you into,
and I say this with love,
soulless monsters.
Uh... soulless monsters with a kennel full of new dog food.
-Take a look at that kennel. -Have you been out there?
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Okay. Um, look. I'm a cool boss, I am.
Everyone knows it, everyone's talking about it,
and I know that you guys use gallows humor
to get through the day, but this has gone too far.
I really think you need to talk to somebody about it.
You mean like an open mic?
'Cause I've been working on this joke about
the headless rabbits we found.
You've heard of a hairless head,
but have you heard of a-- -[Emily] Okay.
Don't wanna hear the end of that.
Um, no, I meant that there's a more healthy way to process
the sad things that you see on the job
than making jokes. Like therapy.
-We don't need that. -What?
We don't need that.
It's not good to bottle stuff up.
Look at Frank.
And how should we be, what, like you?
Yeah. Yelling at old guys, leaving them out in a monsoon.
Okay, fine. Be miserable. I don't really care.
Just don't let it affect your jobs anymore.
-Mm-kay. -That's a good plan.
Nice.
I've heard of undressing people with your eyes,
but hugging people with your eyes?
It's disturbing.
You really scared me today.
Everything scares you.
I can't say Bloody Mary three times without you--
Don't.
It's twice this year. Don't do it.
And I'm serious, man. Okay?
Your dad turns you into a stress machine,
and that's only gonna get worse as he gets older.
So, I've brought somebody here
that knows a thing or two about that.
[donkey brays]
I'll give you two a second alone.
Someday they'll track a disease spreading to this very moment.
That is really cute.
Adorable.
See? We feel stuff.
Yeah, we're not monsters.
We just don't dwell on the negatives.
-Right. Yeah. -If we were,
we would look at that puppy over there and we might...
remember some things.
Yeah.
Like what happened on Route 12.
Route 12. I don't--
I don't think I remember that one.
Route 12 was the labradoodle puppy.
No, I know. Of course I remember.
I'm just pushing it down.
What was his name?
Splat.
No. Seriously, I wanna remember.
It wasn't Splat, it was Burrito.
Burrito, that's right. I knew it was something pretty.
Stop, I can feel you getting upset.
I don't wanna get upset, so just stop crying.
I'm not up-- [snorts]
Stop.
You remember the kittens in the well?
Alastair, Pepper, Buttons and Crosby.
-I think about them every night. -I think of them every night.
[sobbing] And I don't wanna think about them anymore.
[sobbing] I don't-- I'm so sick of thinking of them.
You guys are scaring that child. What's going on?
You opened the floodgates.
-Everything's gonna die. -Everything is.
Okay. All right, I'm pulling you both from the field.
-Let's go. -Cherish this time.
Because before you know it, that dog's gonna be gone.
-And your parents. -No-no-no-no-no.
-Everything. -Oh, he's gonna be there.
He's gonna be there. Therapy now.
[Patel sobs]
I don't know, Bucky.
Doesn't he realize that you're supposed to mellow out with age?
And somehow, I think he's getting even worse.
And because my family sucks, I'm gonna be the one
that has to take care of him, and I just don't...
know if I can do that.
I mean, who's gonna take care of me when I get old?
'Cause I'm all alone.
And...
I don't know if that's ever gonna change.
You are surprisingly helpful to talk to.
[Frank] Hey, Dad.
[TV in the background]
I, uh...
can't believe I'm gonna say this, but, uh...
I'd like to talk to you.
[TV volume gets louder]
We need to try and find a way to make this work.
We need to yell less!
Or maybe even...
listen to each other. [TV volume mutes]
Look, I understand that
you've been through a lot these past few days, so...
Here.
It's the wrong sweater, numbnuts I said the blue one.
-That is blue. -The one I like!
Not the cheap one you gave me for Christmas.
Color-blind and stupid.
[knocking]
You can't leave him here! I won the race!
I have no honor.
My wife vetoed all my baby names.
Huckleberry Patel.
Would've been a major league pitcher.
So, what have I gotta say to get you to prescribe me
the good stuff?
I think I led us down a weird path.
I'm not actually gonna kill anyone.
You know, I was just asking if you would have to report it,
out of curiosity.
And you do have to report it, which is good.
And why I asked.
I understand that giving a patient a letter grade
completely misses the point of therapy, but if you were
to give me a score out of 100 on how good I'm doing...
Here's a couple of areas I don't want to unravel.
Love life, family, fear of mortality.
Oh, nothing about body or food. Let's do it.