1
00:00:06,047 --> 00:00:08,133
["Hard to Kill" by Bleached plays]

2
00:00:22,939 --> 00:00:24,941
[audience cheering and applauding]

3
00:00:27,652 --> 00:00:29,320
Hello!

4
00:00:29,946 --> 00:00:31,322
Denver!

5
00:00:31,406 --> 00:00:34,451
- [cheering and applause continues]
- [Patton laughs]

6
00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:36,619
Oh my God!

7
00:00:37,203 --> 00:00:38,955
Hello. Thank you.

8
00:00:39,456 --> 00:00:40,456
Thank you.

9
00:00:41,332 --> 00:00:42,333
Thank you.

10
00:00:42,417 --> 00:00:43,543
[cheering continues]

11
00:00:43,626 --> 00:00:44,878
Thank you.

12
00:00:44,961 --> 00:00:46,087
Oh my God!

13
00:00:46,629 --> 00:00:47,797
Yes!

14
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:51,426
Thank you all so much
for coming out tonight.

15
00:00:51,509 --> 00:00:54,012
Um... Hey, I broke my foot.

16
00:00:54,095 --> 00:00:55,095
Yeah.

17
00:00:55,555 --> 00:00:58,850
That's how I started my year.
I broke my foot. Uh...

18
00:00:58,933 --> 00:01:01,644
It was... It took two...
It happened in two parts.

19
00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:06,399
Uh, the second part was
I slipped off a curb and I landed wrong.

20
00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:07,817
That was the second part.

21
00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:11,863
The first and most important part was
I turned 53.

22
00:01:11,946 --> 00:01:14,407
- That is the crucial part.
- [audience laughs]

23
00:01:14,491 --> 00:01:15,867
I... You turn...

24
00:01:15,950 --> 00:01:19,329
Once you get past 50, everything's fatal.

25
00:01:19,412 --> 00:01:24,292
I... When I was in my twenties,
I would walk into propellers

26
00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:26,461
and put some Bactine on it.

27
00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:27,712
I was fine.

28
00:01:28,213 --> 00:01:32,300
And now if a pine cone falls near me,
my spine implodes.

29
00:01:32,383 --> 00:01:34,928
- I don't know what... Like that.
- [audience laughs]

30
00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:39,724
Broke my foot, and then the day after...

31
00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:42,227
I'm gonna drop a name. All right.

32
00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:46,981
Uh, the day after I broke my foot,
Glenn Howerton, my friend Glenn Howerton...

33
00:01:47,065 --> 00:01:48,775
[audience cheers]

34
00:01:48,858 --> 00:01:52,112
...who is almost 50,
but for this bit he's over 50.

35
00:01:52,195 --> 00:01:55,198
I needed to...
Come on, who cares about logic?

36
00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:59,035
He broke his collarbone.

37
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:03,206
So I called him up, gave him
a little solidarity, a little support.

38
00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:05,375
"Hey, man. I broke my foot."
"What happened?"

39
00:02:05,458 --> 00:02:06,835
In my mind, I'm thinking,

40
00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:10,046
"Well, he was probably reaching
for a bag of SunChips wrong,

41
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:13,258
and his collarbone broke or something."

42
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:17,345
And he said, "Yeah, I was snowboarding.
I landed a flip wrong."

43
00:02:17,428 --> 00:02:18,346
All right.

44
00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:21,141
- Fuck off. Fuck off.
- [audience laughing]

45
00:02:21,224 --> 00:02:23,309
You don't need to go to that much hassle.

46
00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:25,728
Once you get to a certain age,
you don't need...

47
00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:28,731
I don't even think that's what happened.
I think he's lying to me.

48
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:31,901
I think... I think somebody
slammed a door near him,

49
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,654
and then his collarbone
fell into his ass cheek.

50
00:02:34,737 --> 00:02:36,865
And then he told his wife,

51
00:02:36,948 --> 00:02:40,869
"Duct-tape me to a snowboard and push me
down a black diamond trail, please."

52
00:02:40,952 --> 00:02:42,954
"Give me some dignity for God's sake."

53
00:02:43,037 --> 00:02:45,039
[audience laughing]

54
00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:48,543
I'm gonna drop another name.

55
00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:52,255
A month after I broke my foot,
Tony Hawk

56
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,757
- broke his...
- [audience cheering]

57
00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:57,427
...broke his femur in two.

58
00:02:57,510 --> 00:02:58,468
Pow!

59
00:02:58,469 --> 00:02:59,889
Landed a vertical wrong.

60
00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:03,933
In his warehouse, doing his verticals,
landed it wrong. Broke his femur.

61
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:06,227
DMs me a picture of his X-ray.

62
00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:08,521
He's like, "Looks like we're
in the same boat, buddy."

63
00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:10,690
I'm like, "No, we're fucking not."

64
00:03:10,773 --> 00:03:12,525
- You...
- [audience laughing]

65
00:03:12,609 --> 00:03:16,738
You just Jackie-Channed yourself
into even more coolness.

66
00:03:16,821 --> 00:03:17,822
[audience laughs]

67
00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:19,866
He found a whole other level of cool.

68
00:03:19,949 --> 00:03:23,953
I slipped off a curb
like someone's aunt that saw a bird.

69
00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:26,206
- That is how I went down.
- [audience laughs]

70
00:03:26,289 --> 00:03:28,958
I went down
in the most embarrassing way possible.

71
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:30,251
[audience chuckling]

72
00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:35,548
And the one weird thing that happened,
'cause when I did it

73
00:03:35,632 --> 00:03:38,551
I was still in my 23-year-old
denial head of,

74
00:03:38,635 --> 00:03:40,553
"I just twisted my ankle.
I'll drive home."

75
00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:43,223
I was at work.
"I'll drive home. I'll be fine."

76
00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:47,185
Driving home, it's hurting worse.
"Oh, this actually might be a real thing."

77
00:03:47,268 --> 00:03:49,854
I get home.
I can barely get out of the car now.

78
00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:52,982
And I'm limping across the street
to my house.

79
00:03:53,608 --> 00:03:57,278
And it's really hurting,
and then a car pulls up,

80
00:03:57,362 --> 00:03:58,821
these two women are driving,

81
00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:01,449
and the driver
rolls her window down and says,

82
00:04:01,532 --> 00:04:02,450
"You okay?"

83
00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:05,161
I'm like, "Oh, I twisted my ankle.
I live right here."

84
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:07,330
"I'm going inside, put some ice on it."

85
00:04:07,413 --> 00:04:09,165
And then, and this haunts me,

86
00:04:10,166 --> 00:04:12,502
she said, "Well, don't give up."

87
00:04:12,585 --> 00:04:14,671
- [audience laughing]
- Which... Wait.

88
00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:16,798
What? Holy shit!

89
00:04:17,298 --> 00:04:19,342
What was the look on my face?

90
00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:21,094
[audience laughing]

91
00:04:21,177 --> 00:04:25,014
What did I... Did she... "He's gonna
kill himself. Pull over. Pull over."

92
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:26,266
"Hey, don't give up."

93
00:04:26,891 --> 00:04:30,103
"Let me play this Peter Gabriel,
Kate Bush song. This'll really..."

94
00:04:30,186 --> 00:04:31,604
"Let's listen to this."

95
00:04:35,566 --> 00:04:39,570
Maybe that was just my face left over
from the shutdown and the pandemic.

96
00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:41,906
Is that how my face permanently is now?

97
00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:45,159
Because I didn't do
the shutdown well at all.

98
00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:46,911
I did a bad shutdown.

99
00:04:46,995 --> 00:04:49,289
I planned a great shutdown.

100
00:04:49,372 --> 00:04:52,875
I planned an amazing...
Remember when the shutdown happened?

101
00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:55,586
Supposed to stay home,
and you had that little memory

102
00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:57,255
of all the times you said,

103
00:04:57,338 --> 00:05:01,092
"If I could just get a month off,
I could get my shit together."

104
00:05:01,175 --> 00:05:02,133
[audience laughs]

105
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:05,179
"I could get my life...
I just need a month off."

106
00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:08,182
I planned a great shutdown.

107
00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:10,476
I executed the worst one ever.

108
00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,603
Oh my God, the list I made.

109
00:05:12,687 --> 00:05:16,149
The list we all made.
We all made the same list? Yes, you did.

110
00:05:16,232 --> 00:05:19,235
All the great books you were gonna read.
All the great books.

111
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,404
All the skills you were gonna learn.

112
00:05:21,487 --> 00:05:24,782
Oh my God,
we couldn't wait to work on ourselves.

113
00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:28,786
If I had actually followed
the list that I made,

114
00:05:29,370 --> 00:05:32,665
there'd be a different man
standing in front of you right now.

115
00:05:33,374 --> 00:05:35,043
He'd be 30 pounds lighter.

116
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,962
He'd be speaking fluent Italian.

117
00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:39,172
[audience laughs]

118
00:05:39,255 --> 00:05:40,423
When all of you walked in,

119
00:05:40,506 --> 00:05:44,385
there would have been
a handmade raspberry almond crumble tart

120
00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:47,597
on everyone's chair, on each chair.

121
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:50,266
I would have hand-milled the flour
this morning.

122
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:52,101
[audience laughing]

123
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:55,063
You would have eaten it
off of an origami plate.

124
00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:56,147
[audience laughs]

125
00:05:56,230 --> 00:05:59,484
When you're done eating, you throw
the plate down, it pops up into a frog.

126
00:05:59,567 --> 00:06:02,737
- Oh my God! Oh, the plans I had!
- [audience laughing]

127
00:06:03,988 --> 00:06:05,656
I didn't do any of that shit.

128
00:06:06,407 --> 00:06:08,326
I ate Doritos for breakfast,

129
00:06:08,409 --> 00:06:12,455
and I watched <i>Deadwood</i> twice
all the way through.

130
00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:15,124
Watched it. Finished it.

131
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,627
Back to episode one. Hit play.

132
00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:19,462
[audience laughing]

133
00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:20,588
That's all I fucking did.

134
00:06:20,671 --> 00:06:24,342
And then I went crazier
than a barn full of clown pubes.

135
00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:25,718
That is what I did

136
00:06:26,969 --> 00:06:28,846
during the shutdown.

137
00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:30,556
And listen, when I...

138
00:06:31,557 --> 00:06:35,478
When I say,
"Crazier than a barn full of clown pubes..."

139
00:06:35,561 --> 00:06:37,438
[audience laughing]

140
00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:39,065
...I'm not kink-shaming.

141
00:06:39,148 --> 00:06:41,150
- I'm not judging.
- [audience laughs]

142
00:06:41,734 --> 00:06:46,614
Clowns have as much right
to have a varied and experimental,

143
00:06:46,697 --> 00:06:48,199
adventurous sex life.

144
00:06:48,282 --> 00:06:52,495
I'm saying the source of the crazy
isn't the clown pubes.

145
00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:56,499
It's the having the thought
and then the follow-through

146
00:06:56,999 --> 00:06:59,043
of "I'm gonna fill this barn..."

147
00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:00,670
[audience laughing]

148
00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:03,131
"...with the p..."
I just want that to be clear.

149
00:07:03,756 --> 00:07:06,300
That the source of the crazy is the barn.

150
00:07:06,384 --> 00:07:08,845
The barn full of pubes
isn't even the crazy.

151
00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:11,139
It was the act of filling the barn...

152
00:07:11,222 --> 00:07:12,682
Listen, if you...

153
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:18,521
If you just filled a barn with pubes,
you've checked off the crazy box.

154
00:07:18,604 --> 00:07:19,604
[audience laughing]

155
00:07:19,647 --> 00:07:22,817
But this person went,
"I'm putting obstructions in my way."

156
00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:25,945
"I will only collect the pub..."

157
00:07:26,028 --> 00:07:29,866
Also, how do you... There's no way to know.
Clown pubes don't look different.

158
00:07:30,575 --> 00:07:34,328
Like, they're not bright orange.
They're not rainbow-colored. Look.

159
00:07:34,412 --> 00:07:37,290
Some are, but a lot...
There's a lot of... Listen.

160
00:07:38,374 --> 00:07:39,374
There...

161
00:07:40,084 --> 00:07:43,004
There's a lot of non-clown pubes
that are bright orange

162
00:07:43,087 --> 00:07:44,297
and rainbow-colored.

163
00:07:44,380 --> 00:07:49,177
That's not what I'm saying here.
What I'm saying is there's no way

164
00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:52,722
that... Okay, this is what I'm saying.

165
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:54,640
Wait. Fuck.

166
00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:55,808
Okay.

167
00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:56,892
If you...

168
00:07:59,979 --> 00:08:02,231
Like, okay, if you're walking around...

169
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:03,649
[audience laughing]

170
00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:06,110
...and there's a barn,
and you open those two big doors,

171
00:08:06,194 --> 00:08:07,528
there's a wall of pubes,

172
00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:11,407
and you go, "Well, there's a maniac
roaming the countryside."

173
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:14,076
If someone said,
"Those are only clown pubes."

174
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,829
Like, "Oh! We gotta call
the National Guard."

175
00:08:17,371 --> 00:08:18,706
Wait a minute. What?

176
00:08:20,082 --> 00:08:21,918
'Cause there's no way to prove that.

177
00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:23,794
[audience laughing]

178
00:08:25,421 --> 00:08:27,673
Oh, okay, wait. You could do this.

179
00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:29,717
Every time...

180
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:31,552
Every time that you collect...

181
00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:33,262
Not... Not a...

182
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:35,932
Not a clump. That's gross.

183
00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:37,308
Not a clump of... No.

184
00:08:37,391 --> 00:08:39,143
[audience laughing]

185
00:08:39,227 --> 00:08:40,394
Clump is too gross.

186
00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:42,772
Thatch? No.

187
00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:44,148
[audience laughs]

188
00:08:44,232 --> 00:08:45,650
Thatch is too folksy.

189
00:08:45,733 --> 00:08:47,026
That's... That's the other...

190
00:08:47,109 --> 00:08:50,947
Like, if Cracker Barrel
opened a BDSM store,

191
00:08:51,030 --> 00:08:55,243
they would call it the Thatch of Pubes.
That's what it would be called.

192
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:57,411
You'd go down to the Th...

193
00:08:57,495 --> 00:09:00,373
It'd probably be connected
to the Cracker Barrel. You'd go in,

194
00:09:00,456 --> 00:09:04,418
get a nice breakfast, then go, "Hang on.
I gotta pop into the Thatch of Pubes."

195
00:09:04,502 --> 00:09:05,503
[audience laughs]

196
00:09:05,586 --> 00:09:07,713
"Pay the bill.
I'll meet you at the front."

197
00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:09,382
[audience laughing]

198
00:09:10,174 --> 00:09:11,384
Thatch of Pu...

199
00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:13,553
<i>♪ Thatch of Pubes ♪</i>

200
00:09:13,636 --> 00:09:14,762
[audience laughs]

201
00:09:14,845 --> 00:09:16,055
[laughing] We...

202
00:09:16,138 --> 00:09:19,183
<i>♪ We've got nipple clamps
And scented lubes ♪</i>

203
00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:20,268
[audience laughs]

204
00:09:20,351 --> 00:09:21,351
We've got

205
00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:25,982
floggers, and paddles, and dildos. Oh my!

206
00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:30,278
And a tower of butt plugs
that kisses the sky.

207
00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:32,196
[audience laughs]

208
00:09:34,156 --> 00:09:37,660
- Tell 'em Petunia the pube pig sent ya.
- [audience laughs]

209
00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:39,870
Oink. All right. Um...

210
00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:41,539
[audience laughs]

211
00:09:45,001 --> 00:09:47,920
Handful. Handful of clown pubes. That's

212
00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:50,047
non-gender specific.

213
00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:53,843
Every time you collect
a handful of clown pubes,

214
00:09:54,885 --> 00:09:56,137
you take a Polaroid.

215
00:09:56,220 --> 00:09:58,472
You have a Polaroid,
so you're kneeling down.

216
00:09:58,556 --> 00:10:00,558
You're collecting the pubes.
You got your baggy.

217
00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:04,353
Gotta do it full length.
Get the whole clown in there.

218
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:07,106
He or she's gotta be in their wig,
their makeup,

219
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,317
holding that day's newspaper...

220
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:11,193
- [audience laughing]
- ...so you know.

221
00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:15,740
Then you take a hole-punch,
punch a hole through the Polaroid,

222
00:10:15,823 --> 00:10:18,576
get a ribbon, put it through that hole,

223
00:10:18,659 --> 00:10:22,705
tie the other end of the ribbon
to the... the... the handful of pubes,

224
00:10:23,247 --> 00:10:24,624
toss it in the barn...

225
00:10:24,707 --> 00:10:27,543
Every handful of pubes is accounted for.

226
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:30,421
There you go.
And that's how you would pro...

227
00:10:30,504 --> 00:10:32,298
Fuck, no. No, you can't.

228
00:10:32,381 --> 00:10:33,382
You know why?

229
00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:36,093
No, that doesn't work,
because then someone can go,

230
00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:38,471
"Technically, you didn't fill
the barn with pubes

231
00:10:38,554 --> 00:10:41,140
because the ribbon
and the Polaroid took up..."

232
00:10:41,223 --> 00:10:45,144
No, it has to be
complete confidence in the speaker

233
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,689
and total trust in the listener.

234
00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:52,485
When you say I tho...
This is what's happening right now, okay?

235
00:10:54,028 --> 00:10:55,488
We're starting this set out.

236
00:10:55,571 --> 00:10:57,657
Let's go on a journey for the next hour.

237
00:10:58,532 --> 00:11:00,618
I started off pretty strong, I think.

238
00:11:00,701 --> 00:11:04,205
I think I've won your trust,
but you know what? You shouldn't 100%...

239
00:11:04,288 --> 00:11:05,790
No. Not yet though.

240
00:11:05,873 --> 00:11:08,292
[audience laughing]

241
00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:11,837
Because what you've got...
Listen. What I've done, comedically,

242
00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:14,382
creatively, I have opened the barn doors.

243
00:11:14,465 --> 00:11:16,342
[audience laughing]

244
00:11:16,425 --> 00:11:18,219
And there's a wall of pubes.

245
00:11:18,302 --> 00:11:19,512
[audience laughing]

246
00:11:19,595 --> 00:11:22,848
And yes, it's impressive,
but you're right to go, "You know what?"

247
00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:26,435
"I bet that wall of pubes,
I bet that's a half an inch thick."

248
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:28,771
"And there's a big
sheet of plywood behind,

249
00:11:28,854 --> 00:11:30,606
and the rest of the barn is empty."

250
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:33,609
"I've been screwed over too many..."
You're right to think that.

251
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:35,361
What I'm... This is what I'm doing.

252
00:11:35,444 --> 00:11:37,405
As a comedian, I'm inviting you...

253
00:11:37,488 --> 00:11:42,743
I'm saying I want you
to run as hard as you can

254
00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:45,121
into this wall of pubes,

255
00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:48,249
and then, I want you
to fight your way back,

256
00:11:48,332 --> 00:11:51,001
just fight your way
to the back of the barn...

257
00:11:51,085 --> 00:11:52,628
[audience laughing]

258
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:55,423
...until you're cocooned in pubes.

259
00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:57,842
You know what I mean? At the back.

260
00:11:57,925 --> 00:12:00,511
And when your hand hits that back wall,

261
00:12:01,011 --> 00:12:03,806
you will think, "I met a man of honor."

262
00:12:03,889 --> 00:12:06,100
- That is what you will think.
- [audience laughing]

263
00:12:06,183 --> 00:12:08,269
That is what I want for us.

264
00:12:08,352 --> 00:12:11,147
Not me, not you, us. All of us.

265
00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:12,356
That's what I want.

266
00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:16,610
Those are the kind of bits
I wrote during the shutdown.

267
00:12:16,694 --> 00:12:20,030
I'd be awake for eight days in a row...

268
00:12:20,114 --> 00:12:21,407
[applause]

269
00:12:21,490 --> 00:12:23,033
Five in the morning,

270
00:12:23,117 --> 00:12:26,078
"The fucking Polaroid doesn't even work!"

271
00:12:26,954 --> 00:12:27,955
Goddamn it!

272
00:12:28,038 --> 00:12:30,416
[audience cheering and applauding]

273
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:35,129
I bought a trampoline.

274
00:12:35,212 --> 00:12:36,839
[audience laughs]

275
00:12:36,922 --> 00:12:40,092
Not a giant backyard...
One of those little workout ones.

276
00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:42,303
Yeah. Little tiny trampoline.

277
00:12:42,386 --> 00:12:44,764
It's called a rebounder. Awesome.

278
00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:48,100
You get up on it. You hop up and down,
get the lymphatic system going,

279
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:52,646
"Here you go. Ooh.
Out, in. Forward, back. Ski it out."

280
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:54,314
Great workout.

281
00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:57,193
Got it right at the beginning
of the pandemic.

282
00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:00,821
"I'm gonna stay fit during this thing,
man. I got my new rebounder."

283
00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:03,741
It came out of the box,
not a speck of dust on it.

284
00:13:03,824 --> 00:13:05,493
Oh, I was so excited.

285
00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:07,703
I could feel how excited
the rebounder was.

286
00:13:08,579 --> 00:13:11,579
You could feel it. He was like, "I'm gonna
make a difference in this house."

287
00:13:12,374 --> 00:13:15,336
"I belong here. I'm gonna change
things for the better."

288
00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:18,506
I'm like, "That's right, little rebounder.
Wanna go inside the house?"

289
00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:19,799
"You wanna go in the gym?"

290
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:21,842
He's like, "Yeah."
We have a gym in our house.

291
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,678
It's a room with an elliptical in it.
We call it a gym.

292
00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:26,263
[audience laughs]

293
00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:28,891
I take him inside. Oh, he's so excited.

294
00:13:29,725 --> 00:13:32,394
I put him down.
"I'll see you tomorrow, little rebounder."

295
00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:33,521
He goes, "Yeah."

296
00:13:34,188 --> 00:13:35,397
We both looked over

297
00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:37,650
at the elliptical.

298
00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:40,528
[audience laughs]

299
00:13:40,611 --> 00:13:41,862
Against the wall.

300
00:13:42,863 --> 00:13:44,448
Clothes hanging off of it.

301
00:13:44,532 --> 00:13:46,367
[audience laughs]

302
00:13:46,450 --> 00:13:47,701
Covered in dust.

303
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:52,748
And I could feel
the rebounder's heart break.

304
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:55,251
I could feel his...
You know what it felt like?

305
00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:58,295
It felt like the rookie cop
fresh out of the academy.

306
00:13:58,379 --> 00:14:02,466
He's like, "Give me the worst precinct
in town. I'll turn it around!"

307
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:05,678
"I've got progressive policing techniques,
community outreach."

308
00:14:05,761 --> 00:14:07,304
"I'll make a difference."

309
00:14:07,388 --> 00:14:10,224
And he shows up that first day,
big thermos of green tea,

310
00:14:10,307 --> 00:14:12,601
little keto lunch, he's all excited.

311
00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:16,814
Looks over in the corner,
"Who's at his desk?"

312
00:14:16,897 --> 00:14:18,691
The old homicide cop.

313
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:20,317
[audience laughs]

314
00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:21,944
Eight bullet holes in him.

315
00:14:22,444 --> 00:14:24,280
Eleven colostomy bags.

316
00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:26,699
[audience laughing]

317
00:14:26,782 --> 00:14:29,076
He's having
his seventh Viceroy of the morning.

318
00:14:29,159 --> 00:14:31,120
- [audience laughing]
- [Patton exhales]

319
00:14:32,079 --> 00:14:33,372
That's the elliptical.

320
00:14:33,455 --> 00:14:35,583
[audience laughing]

321
00:14:35,666 --> 00:14:37,543
Looks at the little rookie rebounder,

322
00:14:38,627 --> 00:14:39,962
"You're gonna learn, kid."

323
00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:42,047
[audience laughing]

324
00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:45,050
"You think I didn't have dreams
when I came here, huh?"

325
00:14:46,468 --> 00:14:47,887
"I was top of the line!"

326
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:53,934
"You can stream movies on me,
TV shows, mountain programs, everything!"

327
00:14:54,018 --> 00:14:57,688
"Oh! I was gonna turn
this house of fatties around."

328
00:14:57,771 --> 00:14:59,565
[audience laughing]

329
00:14:59,648 --> 00:15:03,068
"That guy that just dropped you off,
he was on me day one."

330
00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:05,362
"Cute little workout outfit."

331
00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:09,158
"Little iPhone.
He downloaded a bunch of podcasts on it."

332
00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:10,910
"Ooh, a thinker!"

333
00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:12,995
[audience laughing]

334
00:15:14,204 --> 00:15:18,417
"He gets up on me,
stretch those little fat thighs,

335
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:21,003
pumping them up and down." [grunting]

336
00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:24,048
"Thought he was gonna go the distance."

337
00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:28,677
"He didn't make it
past the first Blue Apron ad."

338
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:31,263
- [inhales, exhales]
- [audience laughing]

339
00:15:32,806 --> 00:15:33,974
"Hopped off of me."

340
00:15:35,392 --> 00:15:37,561
"Went and checked his texts
in the crapper."

341
00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:39,480
[audience laughs]

342
00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:41,357
"He never came back."

343
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,442
[audience laughs]

344
00:15:44,401 --> 00:15:45,903
"Oh, he'll be here tomorrow."

345
00:15:45,986 --> 00:15:48,155
"Oh, he'll be
in his little workout outfit."

346
00:15:48,238 --> 00:15:51,367
"He'll probably put
a little playlist on his iPhone."

347
00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:52,450
"Yeah."

348
00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:54,203
"He's a Gen X-er in his fifties."

349
00:15:54,286 --> 00:15:57,164
"I bet it'll be all early '80s
New Wave pop."

350
00:15:57,247 --> 00:15:58,916
[audience laughs]

351
00:16:00,042 --> 00:16:03,253
"That's how he's gonna get thin.
Nostalgia."

352
00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:05,464
[audience laughs]

353
00:16:05,547 --> 00:16:07,049
"He'll hop up on you,

354
00:16:07,132 --> 00:16:10,135
start jumping up and down
like a gibbon full of Skittles."

355
00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:12,638
[audience laughs]

356
00:16:13,305 --> 00:16:15,909
"What'll be the first song he listens to?
I can call it right now."

357
00:16:15,933 --> 00:16:18,060
"It'll be the Go-Go's
'Our Lips Are Sealed.'"

358
00:16:18,143 --> 00:16:19,561
"That'll be the first song."

359
00:16:20,270 --> 00:16:23,816
"And you'll be all excited.
'Oh, he's gonna go the full hour'"!

360
00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:27,444
"He won't make it past the bridge."

361
00:16:27,528 --> 00:16:29,238
[audience laughs]

362
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:32,491
"The minute Jane Wiedlin
starts singing, "Hush my darling,"

363
00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:35,244
he'll hop off of you,
he'll check his texts in the crapper."

364
00:16:35,327 --> 00:16:36,912
"He'll never come back."

365
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:38,414
[audience laughs]

366
00:16:38,497 --> 00:16:43,293
"Extinguish all joy within you,
and nothing'll ever hurt you again."

367
00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:45,212
[audience laughs]

368
00:16:47,214 --> 00:16:51,385
I just pitched
the saddest Pixar movie in the...

369
00:16:51,468 --> 00:16:54,054
If they do a movie
with the Safdie brothers,

370
00:16:54,138 --> 00:16:55,931
that's gotta be their movie.

371
00:16:57,599 --> 00:16:59,643
Harvey Keitel is the elliptical.

372
00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:02,312
[audience laughing]

373
00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:05,190
Timothée Chalamet is the rebounder.

374
00:17:05,274 --> 00:17:07,276
[audience laughing]

375
00:17:08,068 --> 00:17:11,780
And Frances McDormand
is the half-inflated exercise ball.

376
00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:13,866
[audience laughs]

377
00:17:17,995 --> 00:17:20,456
Went fucking crazy during the shutdown.

378
00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:24,585
My rock-bottom, psychologically,
during the shutdown

379
00:17:24,668 --> 00:17:26,920
happened on the same day
as my wife and daughter's.

380
00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:30,507
We all hit crazy rock-bottom
at the same time.

381
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:32,426
Um, it was a weekday.

382
00:17:32,926 --> 00:17:35,304
We're all in the house, staying inside.

383
00:17:35,387 --> 00:17:36,387
Doing our part.

384
00:17:36,847 --> 00:17:37,931
Stop the spread.

385
00:17:38,932 --> 00:17:41,977
My daughter's in the kitchen,
and out of nowhere, she says,

386
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,229
"Hey, there's a weird guy
in our backyard."

387
00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:46,648
[audience laughing]

388
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:49,568
What the fuck? I go running out, "What?"

389
00:17:49,651 --> 00:17:52,446
Looking out, "I don't see anybody.
You saw someone?"

390
00:17:52,529 --> 00:17:55,449
She goes, "Some weird guy
just walked across our backyard

391
00:17:55,532 --> 00:17:58,118
and went around the back.
He's back there right now."

392
00:17:58,202 --> 00:17:59,536
I'm like, "Oh shit!"

393
00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:02,456
We have cameras all over the property.

394
00:18:02,539 --> 00:18:06,376
I have an app on my phone. You click it
and can look at what the camera sees.

395
00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:09,171
I'm waiting for it.
I'm gonna go back and confront him.

396
00:18:09,671 --> 00:18:11,799
I just wanna know
what I'm about to deal with.

397
00:18:12,299 --> 00:18:13,842
I don't know what's back there.

398
00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:16,929
What if it's a lost hippie
wanting someone to hacky-sack with him?

399
00:18:17,012 --> 00:18:18,388
"I'll hacky-sack with you."

400
00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:20,474
[audience laughing]

401
00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:25,145
Could be a maniac, nude, with a bucket
of chicken on his dick, holding a sword.

402
00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:28,357
I don't know what's back...
I just wanna be ready.

403
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:29,858
[audience laughing]

404
00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:35,280
But the cameras aren't loading,
and I'm waiting for it. Goddamn it.

405
00:18:35,364 --> 00:18:36,532
And then my wife

406
00:18:37,157 --> 00:18:38,992
pushes past us,

407
00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:40,410
doesn't say anything

408
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,914
and goes striding across the back lawn.

409
00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:47,751
She's got a white summer dress on
flowing in the wind, barefoot.

410
00:18:49,002 --> 00:18:52,047
And she's holding a pink,
aluminum baseball bat.

411
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,133
[audience laughing]

412
00:18:55,843 --> 00:18:59,930
And she has serious Manson girl energy
coming off of her, like...

413
00:19:00,013 --> 00:19:01,140
[audience laughs]

414
00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:05,018
"Look at that hot, hippie chick
that I wanna fuck and get murdered by."

415
00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:06,311
"Yay."

416
00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:09,189
[laughing] So, she...

417
00:19:10,858 --> 00:19:14,611
It takes me a second to realize what
she's doing, then I go clomping after her,

418
00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:18,365
in my flip-flops and cargo pants,
but she's already around the corner

419
00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:20,659
and she's already laying into this guy.

420
00:19:20,742 --> 00:19:23,537
Before I can turn the corner,
I hear her screaming at him,

421
00:19:23,620 --> 00:19:26,957
"Who the fuck are you?
Get the fuck out of my yard!"

422
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:28,542
"I will fuck you up."

423
00:19:28,625 --> 00:19:29,960
[audience laughing]

424
00:19:30,043 --> 00:19:31,837
[audience cheering and applauding]

425
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:32,920
So...

426
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,300
I...

427
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:39,553
I turned the corner.

428
00:19:40,512 --> 00:19:42,181
She's in a stance.

429
00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:43,599
[audience laughs]

430
00:19:43,682 --> 00:19:46,393
Like Uma in <i>Kill Bill, </i>she's ready to go.

431
00:19:46,476 --> 00:19:47,895
[audience laughs]

432
00:19:48,395 --> 00:19:49,897
The guy she's yelling at,

433
00:19:50,814 --> 00:19:53,942
little scruffy looking,
didn't look crazy, didn't look homeless,

434
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:55,026
holding a cell phone,

435
00:19:55,068 --> 00:19:57,988
just looked a little off,
and she's screaming and yelling at him,

436
00:19:58,071 --> 00:19:59,907
"What the fuck are you doing here?"

437
00:20:01,241 --> 00:20:02,659
Now I'm gonna stop the story

438
00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:05,621
and tell you what was actually happening.

439
00:20:06,997 --> 00:20:10,125
There was something wrong
with our air conditioner. I...

440
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:11,585
[audience laughing]

441
00:20:11,668 --> 00:20:13,545
[audience continues laughing]

442
00:20:15,088 --> 00:20:16,840
I called our contractor

443
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:22,054
and said, "Can you send someone
to the house to fix the AC?"

444
00:20:22,137 --> 00:20:23,347
Without telling us,

445
00:20:23,430 --> 00:20:27,601
he gave this guy our address
and gate code and sent him to the house.

446
00:20:27,684 --> 00:20:30,604
So yes, massive misunderstanding.

447
00:20:30,687 --> 00:20:33,857
My wife is now screaming at him,
and she's just fucking...

448
00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:36,276
Just blazing Valkyrie,

449
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:39,947
shrieking at the top of her lungs
at this guy, "Who the fuck are you?"

450
00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:42,282
Now, to his discredit...

451
00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:43,992
[audience laughing]

452
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:47,329
...when there is a blazing-eyed Valkyrie

453
00:20:47,829 --> 00:20:50,290
holding a vagina-colored piece of metal...

454
00:20:50,374 --> 00:20:51,667
[audience laughing]

455
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:53,252
...threatening to kill you,

456
00:20:54,294 --> 00:20:58,382
answer in short, declarative sentences.

457
00:20:58,465 --> 00:21:00,467
[audience laughing]

458
00:21:00,550 --> 00:21:02,302
[applause]

459
00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:03,928
This guy...

460
00:21:04,513 --> 00:21:08,308
This guy was going,
"Who's anybody really, man? Like..."

461
00:21:08,850 --> 00:21:12,020
"Every day was...
Oh, the wheel in the sky..."

462
00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:13,355
Oh, goddamn it.

463
00:21:14,690 --> 00:21:19,361
Now she's got both hands on the bat.
She's gonna swing on the guy.

464
00:21:19,861 --> 00:21:21,029
And then he looks at me.

465
00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:23,740
And when he looks at me,
that's when he gets scared.

466
00:21:23,824 --> 00:21:25,158
[audience laughs]

467
00:21:25,242 --> 00:21:29,705
He started saying, "My name is Michael.
Your guy Steve sent me here to figure..."

468
00:21:29,788 --> 00:21:33,125
And my wife's like, "Oh my God,
he didn't tell us. I'm so sorry."

469
00:21:33,208 --> 00:21:35,210
"Oh my God, I'm gonna call him right now."

470
00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:38,046
"I'm... This was...
This really got off on the wrong foot."

471
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:39,673
"How about you leave..."

472
00:21:39,756 --> 00:21:42,175
The guy was more than happy to leave.

473
00:21:42,259 --> 00:21:43,302
[audience laughs]

474
00:21:43,385 --> 00:21:47,014
I'm sure he was driving home going,
"That poor bastard. Oh my God."

475
00:21:47,764 --> 00:21:50,100
"I'm sure the sex is amazing but..."

476
00:21:50,183 --> 00:21:52,185
- Um...
- [audience laughing]

477
00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:56,356
A lot of you hear the story and go,
"That's not very manly of you."

478
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:59,109
"You let your wife...
God knows what could've happened!"

479
00:21:59,609 --> 00:22:00,777
I argue the opposite.

480
00:22:00,861 --> 00:22:01,819
[audience laughs]

481
00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:04,532
I say that our timing and placement

482
00:22:04,614 --> 00:22:08,201
made us a more effective
home invasion deterrent.

483
00:22:08,285 --> 00:22:09,453
[audience laughs]

484
00:22:09,536 --> 00:22:12,664
'Cause remember he never got scared
when she was screaming at him?

485
00:22:12,748 --> 00:22:14,291
He just kept going, "I..."

486
00:22:14,374 --> 00:22:17,210
You know why?
He couldn't process what he was seeing.

487
00:22:17,294 --> 00:22:18,337
[audience laughs]

488
00:22:18,420 --> 00:22:21,882
Gorgeous Valkyrie,
vagina-colored metal, screaming.

489
00:22:21,965 --> 00:22:24,384
Too much. Too fucking much.

490
00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:26,345
Couldn't process it.

491
00:22:27,054 --> 00:22:29,598
And also, again,
the energy she's giving off is

492
00:22:29,681 --> 00:22:32,392
outer-space sex vixen about to murder you.

493
00:22:32,476 --> 00:22:34,436
- [audience laughing]
- Can't process it.

494
00:22:35,270 --> 00:22:37,064
You know what he could process?

495
00:22:37,147 --> 00:22:38,148
Me.

496
00:22:38,231 --> 00:22:40,108
Standing five feet behind her,

497
00:22:40,192 --> 00:22:42,319
'cause the energy I was giving off was,

498
00:22:42,402 --> 00:22:44,988
"I can't do nothing
when she gets like this."

499
00:22:45,072 --> 00:22:49,201
"I... I tried to get her
to go to the nervous hospital, see?"

500
00:22:49,284 --> 00:22:51,411
"She said she'd burn the house down."

501
00:22:51,495 --> 00:22:54,289
"She's killed
so many Amazon delivery drivers."

502
00:22:54,373 --> 00:22:57,834
"I can't dig no more holes in the desert.
Please just run!"

503
00:22:57,918 --> 00:22:59,920
[audience laughing]

504
00:23:13,975 --> 00:23:17,854
I'm doing some poses that we can freeze
for the Netflix save screen. A little...

505
00:23:18,355 --> 00:23:20,732
[audience laughing]

506
00:23:20,816 --> 00:23:22,818
[cheering and applause]

507
00:23:25,695 --> 00:23:26,738
[Patton chuckles]

508
00:23:28,824 --> 00:23:30,367
[audience laughing]

509
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:40,127
There's gotta be...
What if I did... What if I use...

510
00:23:40,210 --> 00:23:42,045
Here's what I'm gonna do.
Watch. Like this.

511
00:23:42,546 --> 00:23:45,298
[audience laughing and cheering]

512
00:23:45,382 --> 00:23:46,800
Now, look. That's...

513
00:23:47,300 --> 00:23:50,137
That's not a bit in the special,
but if you're watching Netflix,

514
00:23:50,220 --> 00:23:53,807
and that "coming up next," you're like,
"Let's watch a minute of that."

515
00:23:53,890 --> 00:23:55,976
Like, "What the fuck is this?"

516
00:23:56,059 --> 00:23:58,061
[audience laughing]

517
00:23:58,687 --> 00:24:00,730
[Patton chuckling]

518
00:24:01,773 --> 00:24:03,483
I'm vaxxed and boosted.

519
00:24:03,567 --> 00:24:06,194
- Yes, I am. Thank you. It shouldn't...
- [cheering and applause]

520
00:24:06,278 --> 00:24:07,279
Thank you. But...

521
00:24:07,904 --> 00:24:08,904
That... Look.

522
00:24:10,782 --> 00:24:14,411
Thank you. It's also sad that gets
applause at this point, isn't it?

523
00:24:14,911 --> 00:24:18,165
You get applause for taking
the most basic care of your health?

524
00:24:18,248 --> 00:24:21,460
That's like me going,
"Folks, I wipe after I shit. Thank..." No.

525
00:24:21,543 --> 00:24:22,794
No, no.

526
00:24:22,878 --> 00:24:25,881
- [cheering and applause]
- People. No.

527
00:24:25,964 --> 00:24:29,342
I'm no... I'm no hero now.

528
00:24:29,426 --> 00:24:31,845
It's the lumberjacks
who cut down the trees

529
00:24:31,928 --> 00:24:34,014
that make the toilet...
Those are the heroes.

530
00:24:34,097 --> 00:24:35,765
[audience laughing]

531
00:24:35,849 --> 00:24:37,058
[man] Yeah!

532
00:24:37,642 --> 00:24:38,558
[chuckles]

533
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:41,062
I assume there's a lumberjack here.
All right, um...

534
00:24:41,146 --> 00:24:42,981
- [audience laughs]
- [Patton chuckles]

535
00:24:43,064 --> 00:24:45,066
Or a really enthusiastic wiper.

536
00:24:45,817 --> 00:24:47,819
- Um...
- [audience laughing]

537
00:24:49,988 --> 00:24:53,992
I got my vax right when the vax came out.
Immediately.

538
00:24:54,075 --> 00:24:58,455
I didn't jump the line.
I didn't use my privilege, but...

539
00:24:58,538 --> 00:25:00,874
I acted on some inside information,

540
00:25:00,957 --> 00:25:03,168
and I feel bad about this.

541
00:25:03,251 --> 00:25:05,170
This is how I did it. Uh...

542
00:25:05,253 --> 00:25:08,798
Right when the vaccine came out,
I have a friend, lives out in Riverside.

543
00:25:08,882 --> 00:25:12,636
And he calls me and says, "I don't
know if I should tell you this, but,

544
00:25:12,719 --> 00:25:15,305
uh, out where I'm living,
it's MAGA country."

545
00:25:15,388 --> 00:25:17,265
"No one is getting the vaccine."

546
00:25:17,349 --> 00:25:20,060
"There's a Rite Aid near me,
a woman sitting at a table."

547
00:25:20,143 --> 00:25:22,979
"Everyone that walks in she asks
if they want it. No one will get it."

548
00:25:23,063 --> 00:25:25,524
"They're throwing crates of this shit
out the back."

549
00:25:25,607 --> 00:25:27,859
"If you drive out here,
you will get a shot."

550
00:25:27,943 --> 00:25:30,570
"Don't even make an appointment."
So I drove out there.

551
00:25:30,654 --> 00:25:32,739
I walk in. There's a woman at a table.

552
00:25:32,822 --> 00:25:35,158
I go, "Hi, excuse me.
I'd like to get a vaccine."

553
00:25:35,242 --> 00:25:36,868
She was like, "You would?"

554
00:25:36,952 --> 00:25:38,912
- Like, she had no...
- [audience laughing]

555
00:25:38,995 --> 00:25:40,956
She had run out of Tolkien novels to read.

556
00:25:41,039 --> 00:25:44,251
Like, "Yeah. Let me get you set up."
Like, "Go stand over there."

557
00:25:47,671 --> 00:25:50,840
While I'm waiting, my friend was right,
everyone that walked in,

558
00:25:50,924 --> 00:25:53,468
"Would you like a vaccine?"
"No, thank you."

559
00:25:53,552 --> 00:25:56,012
And one guy gave her a, uh...

560
00:25:56,096 --> 00:25:58,014
"[scoffs] Yeah, no thanks."

561
00:25:58,098 --> 00:25:59,224
[audience laughs]

562
00:25:59,766 --> 00:26:03,103
Like, "Yeah, nice try, Deep State.
I think I'm gonna, uh..."

563
00:26:03,770 --> 00:26:07,482
"I think I'm gonna stay tracker-free
for the time being if that's all right."

564
00:26:07,566 --> 00:26:10,443
"Hang on. Yeah.
I'm at the Rite Aid again. Yeah."

565
00:26:10,527 --> 00:26:13,405
"They tried to get a fucking track...
Hang on. I'm losing you."

566
00:26:13,488 --> 00:26:16,533
"There you are. Yeah, no.
I'm off the grid, man. That's..."

567
00:26:16,616 --> 00:26:18,243
"Right. I'll call you later."

568
00:26:20,662 --> 00:26:24,416
Got my shot. Got my second shot,
then boosted twice. I'm fucking fine.

569
00:26:24,499 --> 00:26:26,251
In 1955,

570
00:26:26,334 --> 00:26:29,462
the polio vaccine came out.

571
00:26:29,546 --> 00:26:30,880
1955.

572
00:26:31,423 --> 00:26:33,341
We were two years away

573
00:26:33,425 --> 00:26:35,719
from satellites.

574
00:26:35,802 --> 00:26:37,804
There were no satellites!

575
00:26:37,887 --> 00:26:40,599
And America could not have been
more backward, racist,

576
00:26:40,682 --> 00:26:42,183
homophobic, sexist,

577
00:26:42,267 --> 00:26:46,396
and these non-satellite-having,
racist dipshits

578
00:26:46,479 --> 00:26:49,608
lined the fuck up
to get their fucking vaccine!

579
00:26:49,691 --> 00:26:52,402
[cheering and applause]

580
00:26:52,485 --> 00:26:53,778
What the fuck!

581
00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:55,530
[cheering and applause continues]

582
00:27:01,244 --> 00:27:04,998
"Give me that shot. I can't police
these water fountains from a wheelchair."

583
00:27:05,081 --> 00:27:07,375
[audience laughing]

584
00:27:07,459 --> 00:27:11,296
"I can't beat up queers
inside an iron lung! Give me my science!"

585
00:27:11,963 --> 00:27:13,423
"What am I, a caveman?"

586
00:27:14,132 --> 00:27:16,134
[audience laughing]

587
00:27:19,512 --> 00:27:20,512
Now

588
00:27:20,889 --> 00:27:23,683
it's the year 2022,

589
00:27:23,767 --> 00:27:27,312
which, first off,
doesn't sound like a real year, does it?

590
00:27:27,395 --> 00:27:30,023
- [audience laughs]
- Doesn't that sound made up?

591
00:27:30,106 --> 00:27:33,652
Like you're watching a cheap
science-fiction film, "In the year 2022..."

592
00:27:33,735 --> 00:27:36,363
"Oh, you're just
throwing numbers together. Jesus!"

593
00:27:36,446 --> 00:27:37,822
"Who wrote this shit?"

594
00:27:37,906 --> 00:27:39,157
[audience laughs]

595
00:27:40,492 --> 00:27:42,243
It's 2022.

596
00:27:42,327 --> 00:27:44,954
We have robots on Mars.

597
00:27:45,038 --> 00:27:47,457
They send us TikTok videos.

598
00:27:47,540 --> 00:27:49,542
[audience laughing]

599
00:27:50,919 --> 00:27:55,757
Half of the country's like, "That needle's
got witch poison in it, I tells ya."

600
00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:58,760
"You ain't putting no witch poison in me."

601
00:27:58,843 --> 00:28:00,053
[audience laughing]

602
00:28:01,930 --> 00:28:02,846
[chuckles]

603
00:28:02,847 --> 00:28:04,683
"Keep your wizard jab away from me."

604
00:28:04,766 --> 00:28:07,811
"I got to watch the video
that the Mars robot

605
00:28:07,894 --> 00:28:10,730
sent to the world brain
I keep it in my pocket."

606
00:28:10,814 --> 00:28:12,816
[audience laughing]

607
00:28:14,150 --> 00:28:16,653
"But keep all that science away from me."

608
00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:22,742
If that attitude had existed in 1955,

609
00:28:22,826 --> 00:28:25,495
the government would have had to do
one of those PSAs,

610
00:28:25,578 --> 00:28:29,833
like a little cartoon dancing,
hypodermic needle coming out, you know.

611
00:28:29,916 --> 00:28:31,251
[audience laughing]

612
00:28:31,334 --> 00:28:35,380
"Who do I gotta blow to cure polio?"
Like little...

613
00:28:35,463 --> 00:28:36,840
[audience laughing]

614
00:28:36,923 --> 00:28:39,426
[cheering and applause]

615
00:28:39,509 --> 00:28:40,509
Yes.

616
00:28:43,096 --> 00:28:46,141
That's right, jabby.
Tell everyone about your benefits.

617
00:28:46,224 --> 00:28:47,517
[audience laughs]

618
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:51,229
"My benefits? Your fucking legs work.
How's that for a benefit?"

619
00:28:51,312 --> 00:28:52,522
[audience laughs]

620
00:28:52,605 --> 00:28:54,274
"You medieval shitheads."

621
00:28:54,357 --> 00:28:56,359
[audience laughing]

622
00:29:00,530 --> 00:29:02,490
It's a different world now, man.

623
00:29:02,574 --> 00:29:04,492
It's a different world. Isn't it?

624
00:29:04,576 --> 00:29:08,037
Cruise ships? Oh, you'll never see
a cruise ship again. Kiss that goodbye.

625
00:29:08,913 --> 00:29:11,750
Our grandkids won't know what a buffet is.

626
00:29:11,833 --> 00:29:13,710
- Oh.
- [audience laughs]

627
00:29:13,793 --> 00:29:15,879
Fuck, Covid changed everything.

628
00:29:15,962 --> 00:29:20,759
First off, every cruise ship
is booked up to the year 2026.

629
00:29:20,842 --> 00:29:23,928
People cannot wait
to get aboard the plague barge

630
00:29:24,012 --> 00:29:27,015
and sail the bounding main.

631
00:29:28,475 --> 00:29:31,019
"Oh, let me die near a water slide!"

632
00:29:31,102 --> 00:29:33,855
[audience laughing]

633
00:29:36,649 --> 00:29:38,276
Not only are buffets gonna come back,

634
00:29:38,359 --> 00:29:41,571
they're gonna come back
with this weird, own-the-libs vengeance.

635
00:29:41,654 --> 00:29:43,406
Every one of them's gonna have an agenda.

636
00:29:43,490 --> 00:29:47,577
"Come on down to Captain Covid's
Alpha Males Only buffet!"

637
00:29:47,660 --> 00:29:49,662
[audience laughing]

638
00:29:50,747 --> 00:29:52,665
"You the kind of left-wing soy boy

639
00:29:52,749 --> 00:29:56,002
that needs a sneeze guard
over your clam chowder,

640
00:29:56,085 --> 00:29:58,713
or are you able to fuck your wife?"

641
00:29:58,797 --> 00:30:02,592
- "Then come on down to Captain Covid's..."
- [audience laughing]

642
00:30:06,554 --> 00:30:08,765
"You show us proof
you ain't been vaccinated,

643
00:30:08,848 --> 00:30:11,643
you get a free platter
of room-temperature scallops."

644
00:30:11,726 --> 00:30:14,270
[audience laughing]

645
00:30:14,354 --> 00:30:15,355
"That's right."

646
00:30:20,401 --> 00:30:22,278
[chuckles] Oh...

647
00:30:24,030 --> 00:30:27,575
I was listening to '70s on 7
on the way here.

648
00:30:27,659 --> 00:30:30,328
Yeah, on my XM Sirius satellite dial.

649
00:30:30,829 --> 00:30:33,122
You like '70s music?
You hit number seven.

650
00:30:33,206 --> 00:30:35,917
All the '70s music you can have,
'70s on 7.

651
00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:38,378
You like '80s music?
You hit number eight.

652
00:30:38,461 --> 00:30:39,419
[audience laughs]

653
00:30:39,420 --> 00:30:40,464
'80s on 8.

654
00:30:40,964 --> 00:30:44,259
Do you like '90s music?
Guess what you hit. Number nine!

655
00:30:44,342 --> 00:30:45,802
[audience laughing]

656
00:30:45,885 --> 00:30:47,387
Do you like '40s music?

657
00:30:47,470 --> 00:30:49,681
Well, you don't hit number four.

658
00:30:50,849 --> 00:30:53,309
You used to, '40s on 4.

659
00:30:53,393 --> 00:30:55,311
Now, channel 71.

660
00:30:55,395 --> 00:30:56,855
'40s Junction.

661
00:30:58,314 --> 00:31:01,276
You like '50s music?
Well, it's channel 72.

662
00:31:01,943 --> 00:31:02,943
'50s Gold.

663
00:31:04,028 --> 00:31:05,280
You like '60s music?

664
00:31:05,363 --> 00:31:07,115
Seventy-three, '60s Gold.

665
00:31:07,198 --> 00:31:10,159
Why did those three channels get moved

666
00:31:10,702 --> 00:31:12,120
to the outer rim

667
00:31:13,246 --> 00:31:15,206
of the XM Sirius universe?

668
00:31:15,790 --> 00:31:17,375
I will tell you why.

669
00:31:17,917 --> 00:31:19,544
Their listeners are dying.

670
00:31:19,627 --> 00:31:22,213
[audience laughing]

671
00:31:22,297 --> 00:31:26,134
'40s, '50s, '60s.
Those listeners are dropping like...

672
00:31:26,217 --> 00:31:28,887
The fucking '40s channel
has five listeners left.

673
00:31:28,970 --> 00:31:30,430
[audience laughing]

674
00:31:30,513 --> 00:31:33,725
Three World War II veterans
and a couple of contrarian hipsters.

675
00:31:33,808 --> 00:31:34,809
That's it.

676
00:31:34,893 --> 00:31:36,227
That's all that's left.

677
00:31:37,312 --> 00:31:40,189
"You know who's punk rock?
Artie Shaw." Fuck off.

678
00:31:40,273 --> 00:31:42,275
[audience laughing]

679
00:31:45,862 --> 00:31:49,407
And we can laugh and enjoy it,
but hey, during our lifetimes,

680
00:31:49,490 --> 00:31:52,702
'70s, '80s, '90s
will go marching up the dial.

681
00:31:53,453 --> 00:31:56,289
That's how you can track
how the generations are dying,

682
00:31:56,372 --> 00:31:58,583
by where they're putting the stations.

683
00:31:58,666 --> 00:31:59,918
[audience laughing]

684
00:32:00,001 --> 00:32:01,961
Keep the '70s, '80s, '90s easy.

685
00:32:02,045 --> 00:32:03,588
I hope when they do that,

686
00:32:04,172 --> 00:32:08,176
that they take a little time and give
some consideration to the names

687
00:32:08,259 --> 00:32:10,219
the way they did for the '40s channel,

688
00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:14,140
'40s Junction, train station, evocative.

689
00:32:14,223 --> 00:32:17,185
I get it. Picture in my head.
And then they just gave up.

690
00:32:18,061 --> 00:32:20,813
'50s Gold, '60s... Ah, who care... What?

691
00:32:21,481 --> 00:32:23,733
You couldn't do
"Poodle Skirts and Milkshakes"?

692
00:32:23,816 --> 00:32:27,862
You couldn't do "Patchouli Oil
and Love Beads," or whatever?

693
00:32:27,946 --> 00:32:30,490
[audience laughing]

694
00:32:30,573 --> 00:32:35,495
Give the '70s channel a name
emblematic of the decade.

695
00:32:35,578 --> 00:32:37,956
You know,
"Your Mother and I Are Separating Radio."

696
00:32:38,039 --> 00:32:41,709
- How about that? That's good. Sure.
- [audience laughing]

697
00:32:41,793 --> 00:32:42,793
Yeah.

698
00:32:43,753 --> 00:32:46,547
"Giant Candles Everywhere
For Some Reason Tunes."

699
00:32:46,631 --> 00:32:48,633
[audience laughing]

700
00:32:50,510 --> 00:32:52,804
The '80s could be "Trapper Keeper Tunes."

701
00:32:52,887 --> 00:32:54,889
[audience cheering and applauding]

702
00:32:57,183 --> 00:33:00,228
And then the '90s channel
could just be... [groans]

703
00:33:00,311 --> 00:33:02,230
[audience laughing]

704
00:33:02,313 --> 00:33:03,564
[groaning] I don't know...

705
00:33:04,774 --> 00:33:08,444
That was Abra Moore's
"Four-Leaf Clover" on... [groans]

706
00:33:08,528 --> 00:33:09,779
[audience laughing]

707
00:33:09,862 --> 00:33:11,239
[groans]

708
00:33:11,322 --> 00:33:13,324
[audience laughing]

709
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:16,202
Hi. Do you live here in Denver, ma'am?

710
00:33:16,285 --> 00:33:19,622
- I live in Colorado Springs.
- [Patton] You live in Colorado Springs?

711
00:33:19,706 --> 00:33:22,417
- Nice. Thank you for making the drive.
- [woman] No problem.

712
00:33:22,500 --> 00:33:23,543
Okay. What do you...

713
00:33:23,626 --> 00:33:27,255
[laughing] Okay, glad I got that straight.
It wasn't a problem.

714
00:33:27,338 --> 00:33:30,466
Thank God. Okay.
Guys, it wasn't a problem. It's cool.

715
00:33:30,550 --> 00:33:32,301
[audience laughing]

716
00:33:32,385 --> 00:33:33,761
[Patton chuckles]

717
00:33:34,345 --> 00:33:36,014
Do you work in Colorado Springs?

718
00:33:36,097 --> 00:33:37,890
- What do you do?
- I'm a doctor.

719
00:33:37,974 --> 00:33:39,058
[Patton] You're a doctor.

720
00:33:39,142 --> 00:33:41,519
Oh my God, a brainiac. All right, um...

721
00:33:41,602 --> 00:33:43,646
What kind of medicine do you practice?

722
00:33:43,730 --> 00:33:45,440
I'm a pediatric neurologist.

723
00:33:45,523 --> 00:33:47,900
Pediatric neurologist.

724
00:33:47,984 --> 00:33:50,111
- Oh my God!
- [audience cheering]

725
00:33:50,194 --> 00:33:51,279
You're like...

726
00:33:51,362 --> 00:33:53,364
[cheering and applause]

727
00:33:54,323 --> 00:33:57,994
You are serving your community.
You are helping children.

728
00:33:58,077 --> 00:34:03,374
You have a positive job
that you have a positive attitude towards.

729
00:34:03,458 --> 00:34:07,128
This is comedy death.
I need to get off of you right now.

730
00:34:07,211 --> 00:34:09,005
There's nothing here.

731
00:34:09,088 --> 00:34:10,214
[audience laughing]

732
00:34:10,298 --> 00:34:13,968
I need to talk to a meth cook
or a divorcee. This is...

733
00:34:14,052 --> 00:34:15,052
[audience laughs]

734
00:34:15,053 --> 00:34:16,471
"I help children live."

735
00:34:16,554 --> 00:34:17,470
[sliding beep]

736
00:34:17,472 --> 00:34:19,640
- All right. Shit.
- [audience laughing]

737
00:34:22,727 --> 00:34:26,689
Is this, uh... Are you with her?
You guys together? Is this the hubby?

738
00:34:26,773 --> 00:34:29,067
- The husband.
- The husband. What do you do, sir?

739
00:34:29,150 --> 00:34:31,402
- I'm a lawyer.
- [Patton] You're a lawyer?

740
00:34:31,486 --> 00:34:33,029
- Ah...
- [audience laughing]

741
00:34:33,112 --> 00:34:35,490
- [kisses] Finally.
- [audience laughing]

742
00:34:35,573 --> 00:34:37,325
Some evil.

743
00:34:37,408 --> 00:34:39,410
[audience laughing and applauding]

744
00:34:40,912 --> 00:34:44,665
Oh God, if it's some kind of positive
community outreach law, I'm gonna fucking...

745
00:34:45,166 --> 00:34:47,210
What kind of law do you practice, sir?

746
00:34:47,293 --> 00:34:50,671
I prosecute juvenile sex crimes.

747
00:34:50,755 --> 00:34:53,216
You prosecute juvenile sex offenders.

748
00:34:53,966 --> 00:34:55,009
Well...

749
00:34:55,093 --> 00:34:57,095
[audience laughing]

750
00:35:05,978 --> 00:35:08,523
When you say juvenile sex offenders,

751
00:35:09,107 --> 00:35:12,485
do you mean people
who commit sex offenses against juveniles,

752
00:35:12,568 --> 00:35:14,779
or juveniles who are sex offenders?

753
00:35:14,862 --> 00:35:16,447
Juveniles who are sex offenders.

754
00:35:16,531 --> 00:35:20,910
Juveniles who are sex offenders.
Gotta be very careful with the phrasing.

755
00:35:21,911 --> 00:35:24,539
And when you say...
And then what happens? Like, they get...

756
00:35:24,622 --> 00:35:26,342
Why am I...? What is this, a...? I gotta...

757
00:35:26,791 --> 00:35:29,043
Me sitting down
was good for that one laugh.

758
00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:32,255
I'm not gonna do the rest of my show
like, "So what do you do?"

759
00:35:32,338 --> 00:35:34,465
[audience laughing]

760
00:35:34,549 --> 00:35:36,050
What the hell am I doing?

761
00:35:36,134 --> 00:35:38,261
[applause]

762
00:35:39,554 --> 00:35:42,515
You are prosecuting
the juvenile sex offenders.

763
00:35:42,598 --> 00:35:43,724
Okay.

764
00:35:43,808 --> 00:35:46,519
And you are a neurological pediatrician.

765
00:35:46,602 --> 00:35:50,898
So a kid whose brain maybe
isn't working correctly, you help fix it.

766
00:35:51,941 --> 00:35:54,986
And the ones you can't fix,
he puts away, right?

767
00:35:55,069 --> 00:35:56,779
- Is that how...
- [audience laughing]

768
00:35:56,863 --> 00:35:58,531
- There we go.
- [audience laughing]

769
00:35:58,614 --> 00:36:00,867
There's your next Marvel team-up.
All right.

770
00:36:00,950 --> 00:36:02,702
So... [laughs]

771
00:36:02,785 --> 00:36:04,787
[audience laughing]

772
00:36:07,498 --> 00:36:09,709
That was cute and dark

773
00:36:09,792 --> 00:36:11,961
at the same time.

774
00:36:12,044 --> 00:36:13,254
Rare to find that.

775
00:36:13,921 --> 00:36:16,549
It's like a goth girl holding a kitten.
All right.

776
00:36:16,632 --> 00:36:18,634
[audience laughing]

777
00:36:19,260 --> 00:36:21,137
How about you? Do you live here in Denver?

778
00:36:21,220 --> 00:36:23,806
- [man] I do.
- You do? What do you do in Denver?

779
00:36:23,890 --> 00:36:26,058
Uh, I work in a bar and I'm a student.

780
00:36:26,142 --> 00:36:28,519
You work in a bar and you're a student.

781
00:36:28,603 --> 00:36:31,772
Oh, it's a 1980s Tom Hanks movie.
All right.

782
00:36:31,856 --> 00:36:33,649
- So...
- [audience laughing]

783
00:36:33,733 --> 00:36:36,485
- What are you studying right now?
- Uh, cybersecurity.

784
00:36:36,569 --> 00:36:38,112
Cybersecurity.

785
00:36:38,196 --> 00:36:42,241
And then, by day, he patrols the Internet.

786
00:36:43,242 --> 00:36:47,622
At night, it's Slippery Nipples
for secretaries, right?

787
00:36:47,705 --> 00:36:49,081
[audience laughing]

788
00:36:49,665 --> 00:36:51,500
What, uh... So you're a bartender,

789
00:36:51,584 --> 00:36:55,463
and so do you want to eventually work
in cybersecurity? Obviously.

790
00:36:55,546 --> 00:36:58,424
- [man] Yeah.
- And the bartending's paying the bills.

791
00:36:59,258 --> 00:37:01,177
Paying for you to learn. What is the...

792
00:37:01,260 --> 00:37:03,512
What's the scariest thing
you've learned so far

793
00:37:03,596 --> 00:37:05,014
in terms of cybersecurity?

794
00:37:05,097 --> 00:37:07,600
How close are we to some huge hack attack

795
00:37:07,683 --> 00:37:09,644
where suddenly the ATMs don't work

796
00:37:09,727 --> 00:37:12,605
and all of our porn searches
are on the internet?

797
00:37:12,688 --> 00:37:13,814
When does that happen?

798
00:37:13,898 --> 00:37:15,233
[audience laughs]

799
00:37:15,316 --> 00:37:16,316
Um...

800
00:37:16,943 --> 00:37:19,946
- Pretty much nothing is private.
- [Patton] Pretty much nothing is private.

801
00:37:20,029 --> 00:37:22,448
Well, we all know that at this point.
That's not...

802
00:37:23,115 --> 00:37:26,285
Oh my God, have you ever...
Okay, when you were growing up,

803
00:37:26,369 --> 00:37:29,747
was there, like, some asshole
that bullied you or was really shitty,

804
00:37:29,830 --> 00:37:32,208
and now that you're learning
your cybersecurity skills,

805
00:37:32,291 --> 00:37:34,710
you could go digging
into this person's life

806
00:37:34,794 --> 00:37:38,214
and just dis-fucking-mantle it
if you wanted to?

807
00:37:38,297 --> 00:37:39,340
[audience laughing]

808
00:37:39,423 --> 00:37:42,218
Has that temptation
ever crossed your head?

809
00:37:43,052 --> 00:37:44,553
- Pretty frequently.
- Have you... Oh!

810
00:37:44,637 --> 00:37:47,974
Have you done searches
of old bullies' names and stuff like that?

811
00:37:48,057 --> 00:37:49,850
I've... I've chosen not to.

812
00:37:49,934 --> 00:37:52,645
- You've chosen not to.
- [audience laughs]

813
00:37:52,728 --> 00:37:54,814
That is a very lawyerly response.

814
00:37:54,897 --> 00:37:57,149
- That was... Did you catch that?
- [audience laughing]

815
00:37:57,233 --> 00:37:58,359
Oh, man.

816
00:38:00,194 --> 00:38:02,655
Is this the wife or girlfriend?

817
00:38:02,738 --> 00:38:04,198
- Uh, yes.
- [Patton] Which one?

818
00:38:04,282 --> 00:38:05,282
[laughter]

819
00:38:05,324 --> 00:38:07,451
- Girlfriend.
- [Patton] Girlfriend! Oh!

820
00:38:07,535 --> 00:38:08,703
And what do you do?

821
00:38:09,203 --> 00:38:11,372
- I'm an educator.
- [Patton] You're an educator.

822
00:38:11,455 --> 00:38:12,999
And what do you... Thank you.

823
00:38:13,082 --> 00:38:15,209
[cheering and applause]

824
00:38:15,293 --> 00:38:16,293
Wow.

825
00:38:18,462 --> 00:38:21,674
What, uh... What do you...
What areas do you educate in?

826
00:38:21,757 --> 00:38:25,052
I help high schoolers, um,
access free college credit.

827
00:38:25,136 --> 00:38:28,055
Help high schoolers
access free college credit.

828
00:38:28,139 --> 00:38:29,515
Does the... That's cool.

829
00:38:29,598 --> 00:38:30,808
Does the, um...

830
00:38:30,891 --> 00:38:34,562
Does the sleeve tattoo help break the ice
when they're like, "She's cool"?

831
00:38:34,645 --> 00:38:36,272
- "She's all right."
- Yep.

832
00:38:36,355 --> 00:38:38,566
- That must help.
- [woman] It does, yeah.

833
00:38:38,649 --> 00:38:40,943
Do you go in
with the sleeve tattoo visible?

834
00:38:41,027 --> 00:38:43,779
- Or do they make you wear a long sleeve?
- I bust it all out.

835
00:38:43,863 --> 00:38:46,240
[Patton] You bust it all out, sit there...

836
00:38:46,324 --> 00:38:48,200
"Let's get you some fucking credit

837
00:38:48,284 --> 00:38:52,163
while you look at <i>The Gashlycrumb Tinies</i>
right there, man. There you go."

838
00:38:53,622 --> 00:38:56,042
You got some ink too.
How long you been going out?

839
00:38:56,792 --> 00:38:58,711
- Three years.
- Four. Three or four years.

840
00:38:58,794 --> 00:39:00,254
Three or four years.

841
00:39:00,338 --> 00:39:01,714
- [audience laughing]
- Mmm.

842
00:39:02,423 --> 00:39:05,176
Some cybersecurity,
if you know what I'm saying.

843
00:39:05,259 --> 00:39:07,720
Ah, come on, people. Um...

844
00:39:07,803 --> 00:39:08,888
[audience laughing]

845
00:39:08,971 --> 00:39:10,556
Are you... Do you live together?

846
00:39:11,223 --> 00:39:12,308
Oh, nice!

847
00:39:12,391 --> 00:39:15,102
Are you gonna... She looks awesome in...

848
00:39:15,186 --> 00:39:19,190
And then he can get you, like,
free credit card shit and everything.

849
00:39:19,273 --> 00:39:21,025
- I mean, come on.
- [audience laughs]

850
00:39:21,108 --> 00:39:23,611
It's a match made in heaven.
Make it happen.

851
00:39:24,111 --> 00:39:28,324
Couldn't he use his cybersecurity
to get kids free college credit?

852
00:39:28,407 --> 00:39:30,534
Change their grades,
get them into Harvard.

853
00:39:30,618 --> 00:39:32,953
There's another fucking team-up.
All right.

854
00:39:33,037 --> 00:39:34,830
[audience cheering and applauding]

855
00:39:34,914 --> 00:39:37,333
I have two superhero teams
in the front row.

856
00:39:39,418 --> 00:39:40,711
Oh, hello sir.

857
00:39:40,795 --> 00:39:43,506
[audience laughing]

858
00:39:43,589 --> 00:39:46,258
Shorts in the front row. Ballsy.

859
00:39:46,342 --> 00:39:48,761
[audience laughing]

860
00:39:48,844 --> 00:39:52,515
That's it. You have way more
self-confidence than I will ever have.

861
00:39:53,391 --> 00:39:54,683
Do you live here in Denver?

862
00:39:54,767 --> 00:39:56,685
- I do.
- [Patton] And what do you do in Denver?

863
00:39:56,769 --> 00:39:58,354
I work in Boulder, actually.

864
00:39:58,437 --> 00:40:01,649
You work in Boulder.
Live in Denver, work in Boulder.

865
00:40:01,732 --> 00:40:03,025
What do you do in Boulder?

866
00:40:03,109 --> 00:40:04,485
I work for a grocery store.

867
00:40:04,568 --> 00:40:06,654
You work for a grocery store.

868
00:40:07,488 --> 00:40:09,782
With that facial hair?
They're cool with that or...?

869
00:40:09,865 --> 00:40:11,575
[laughter]

870
00:40:11,659 --> 00:40:13,979
What... I'm not gonna ask
what grocery store. That's weird.

871
00:40:14,036 --> 00:40:15,396
[man] I bet you can figure it out.

872
00:40:15,454 --> 00:40:19,792
Probably could. Hang on. What is
your specific job at the grocery store?

873
00:40:19,875 --> 00:40:20,875
I'm a manager.

874
00:40:20,918 --> 00:40:22,962
You're a manager at the grocery store.

875
00:40:23,045 --> 00:40:25,756
Do you manage the whole store
or one department?

876
00:40:25,840 --> 00:40:26,840
Um...

877
00:40:28,175 --> 00:40:29,091
Yeah.

878
00:40:29,093 --> 00:40:30,761
[audience laughing]

879
00:40:31,595 --> 00:40:33,556
- Yeah, part of it. Yeah.
- Part of it.

880
00:40:34,056 --> 00:40:36,308
The liquor section?
What part do you, um...?

881
00:40:36,392 --> 00:40:38,352
[audience laughing]

882
00:40:38,436 --> 00:40:39,895
You seem amazed

883
00:40:39,979 --> 00:40:43,023
at hearing that you're working
at a grocery store coming out of you.

884
00:40:43,107 --> 00:40:45,484
"I work at a grocery store! I..."

885
00:40:45,568 --> 00:40:48,320
- [audience laughing]
- [Patton chuckling]

886
00:40:51,031 --> 00:40:53,993
And, uh, who are you here with?
Is this your friend?

887
00:40:54,076 --> 00:40:56,704
There's your friend.
And where do you work?

888
00:40:56,787 --> 00:40:59,540
- Uh, I work from home.
- You work from home.

889
00:40:59,623 --> 00:41:01,459
- [man] In sales.
- In sales.

890
00:41:01,542 --> 00:41:03,878
- I sell light bulbs.
- [Patton] You sell light bulbs.

891
00:41:03,961 --> 00:41:08,340
Are you asking me?
You seem to be like, "I sell light..."

892
00:41:08,424 --> 00:41:11,135
You're answering my questions
like I'm a homicide cop.

893
00:41:11,218 --> 00:41:13,345
You're like, "I-I sell light bulbs?"

894
00:41:13,429 --> 00:41:15,389
- Like, it's not...
- [audience laughing]

895
00:41:15,473 --> 00:41:17,516
You sell light bulbs from your home.

896
00:41:18,434 --> 00:41:20,102
I'm a lighting salesman.

897
00:41:20,186 --> 00:41:23,355
You're a lighting salesman,
so you stay in your house.

898
00:41:23,439 --> 00:41:26,650
You call people up
or get on the internet with them?

899
00:41:26,734 --> 00:41:28,903
- On the internet.
- On the internet.

900
00:41:28,986 --> 00:41:31,280
- And you try to sell them light bulbs.
- Absolutely.

901
00:41:31,363 --> 00:41:33,115
Individuals or corporations?

902
00:41:33,199 --> 00:41:34,700
- Both.
- [Patton] Both.

903
00:41:34,783 --> 00:41:37,244
- That's so fucking weird.
- [audience laughs]

904
00:41:37,328 --> 00:41:39,163
I just... I don't know how...

905
00:41:40,664 --> 00:41:43,751
So you get on Zoom calls with them,
and go, "Really quick,

906
00:41:43,834 --> 00:41:45,169
turn on all your lights."

907
00:41:45,252 --> 00:41:47,421
- [audience laughing]
- "It's pretty shitty, huh?"

908
00:41:47,505 --> 00:41:50,883
"Well, I've got a solution for you."
[laughing]

909
00:41:50,966 --> 00:41:52,968
[audience laughing]

910
00:41:54,595 --> 00:41:55,888
You're not far.

911
00:41:55,971 --> 00:41:57,932
That's so fucking interesting.

912
00:41:58,015 --> 00:42:01,435
Okay. You two are delightful,
and you are not a superhero team.

913
00:42:01,519 --> 00:42:02,895
- I'm sorry.
- [audience laughs]

914
00:42:02,978 --> 00:42:05,314
That is...
I don't know what the hell you are.

915
00:42:05,397 --> 00:42:09,860
There's a guy who works at a Trader...
Doesn't quite know what he does there.

916
00:42:09,944 --> 00:42:13,822
Another guy gets on Zoom calls
and sells light bulbs.

917
00:42:15,616 --> 00:42:19,328
I think you have a weird OnlyFans.
You're just covering for it now.

918
00:42:19,411 --> 00:42:23,165
You don't really sell light bulbs.

919
00:42:23,249 --> 00:42:27,044
- [man] It's the DC Universe.
- Oh, DC Universe. Very... Oh...

920
00:42:28,045 --> 00:42:30,297
I'll do the nerd shit, my friend.
All right.

921
00:42:30,381 --> 00:42:31,924
[audience laughing]

922
00:42:32,007 --> 00:42:33,300
Don't you dare!

923
00:42:33,384 --> 00:42:35,427
[audience laughing]

924
00:42:37,429 --> 00:42:39,932
That was a fun front row.
Give them a round of applause.

925
00:42:40,015 --> 00:42:41,392
Thank you, guys. Wow.

926
00:42:41,475 --> 00:42:43,477
[cheering and applause]

927
00:42:47,690 --> 00:42:49,191
I love the flow of that.

928
00:42:49,275 --> 00:42:52,736
You know, doctor, lawyer,
cybersecurity, educator,

929
00:42:52,820 --> 00:42:57,366
sort of groceries, light bulbs, I guess.
I don't know.

930
00:42:57,449 --> 00:42:58,659
[groans]

931
00:42:58,742 --> 00:42:59,785
[audience laughing]

932
00:43:01,161 --> 00:43:02,580
Perfectly paced.

933
00:43:02,663 --> 00:43:03,831
[kisses]

934
00:43:03,914 --> 00:43:05,916
[audience laughing]

935
00:43:09,712 --> 00:43:10,712
[sighs]

936
00:43:10,713 --> 00:43:12,965
You know what doesn't age well?
Woke.

937
00:43:13,048 --> 00:43:14,133
[audience laughs]

938
00:43:14,216 --> 00:43:15,301
It really doesn't.

939
00:43:15,884 --> 00:43:17,636
I'm woke, I think.

940
00:43:18,304 --> 00:43:20,764
But you know what? I won't be someday,

941
00:43:20,848 --> 00:43:22,224
and so will all of you.

942
00:43:22,308 --> 00:43:23,475
[audience laughs]

943
00:43:23,559 --> 00:43:26,895
Be woke. Be open-minded.
Just don't pat yourself on the back,

944
00:43:26,979 --> 00:43:28,647
'cause it'll bite you in the ass.

945
00:43:29,231 --> 00:43:31,233
Everyone getting cancelled now
for not being woke

946
00:43:31,317 --> 00:43:34,320
was woke about something,
they just couldn't keep up with progress.

947
00:43:34,403 --> 00:43:37,239
Progress will always
fucking steamroller you.

948
00:43:37,323 --> 00:43:42,244
I'm very pro-trans, very pro-gay marriage,
gay rights, and pro-abor...

949
00:43:42,328 --> 00:43:45,039
- No, no, no. No. No.
- [cheering and applause]

950
00:43:45,122 --> 00:43:46,624
That's not... What I'm saying is

951
00:43:46,707 --> 00:43:48,917
that is going to blow up
in my face someday.

952
00:43:49,585 --> 00:43:51,170
I'll be doing comedy when I'm 70,

953
00:43:51,253 --> 00:43:54,131
and I will let slip something
that I won't be able to keep up with.

954
00:43:54,214 --> 00:43:57,134
I'll be like, "I don't think people
should fuck their clones."

955
00:43:57,217 --> 00:43:59,428
"Boo!" There'll be some weird, like...

956
00:43:59,511 --> 00:44:01,513
[audience laughing]

957
00:44:02,723 --> 00:44:04,600
"No wait, I'm pro-trans."

958
00:44:04,683 --> 00:44:06,518
"Fuck you, clone hater!"

959
00:44:06,602 --> 00:44:07,895
[audience laughing]

960
00:44:07,978 --> 00:44:09,647
"No, I'm totally progressive!"

961
00:44:10,689 --> 00:44:13,525
#Stopclonehate, then I gotta...

962
00:44:13,609 --> 00:44:14,943
Then I'll double down.

963
00:44:15,486 --> 00:44:17,946
"When I grew up, you didn't jerk off
in a test tube

964
00:44:18,030 --> 00:44:21,950
and fuck whatever came out of it!
If that makes me the bad guy, I'm sorry!"

965
00:44:22,034 --> 00:44:23,869
- [audience laughing]
- "Boo!"

966
00:44:27,998 --> 00:44:29,375
[Patton chuckles]

967
00:44:31,418 --> 00:44:33,587
By the way, that's how you know
if you're a...

968
00:44:33,671 --> 00:44:35,798
uh, if you're an oppressed minority,

969
00:44:35,881 --> 00:44:40,219
or, you know, a fringe group
that used to be shit on,

970
00:44:40,302 --> 00:44:42,388
and now you know that you've made it

971
00:44:42,471 --> 00:44:45,891
when straight, white people
start asking you if jokes are okay.

972
00:44:46,433 --> 00:44:49,353
That's when you know...
The trans community really broke through

973
00:44:49,436 --> 00:44:52,398
because all of a sudden, straight,
white people'll be like, "Is this okay?"

974
00:44:52,481 --> 00:44:54,983
"Does this joke work? Is that okay?"

975
00:44:55,067 --> 00:44:56,110
You know.

976
00:44:56,193 --> 00:44:59,321
But either way, that means in the future,

977
00:44:59,405 --> 00:45:01,407
straight, white people
are gonna be the minority,

978
00:45:01,907 --> 00:45:03,659
then they're gonna have assholes like,

979
00:45:03,742 --> 00:45:06,829
"Hey, I'm doing a joke
about a straight, white dude, and, um,

980
00:45:07,496 --> 00:45:10,541
I have him bowling. Is that okay?
You guys bowl, right? Like that's..."

981
00:45:10,624 --> 00:45:12,751
- [audience laughing]
- "It's not offensive?"

982
00:45:14,253 --> 00:45:17,756
"He's listening to Limp Bizkit,
'ironically, ' okay?"

983
00:45:17,840 --> 00:45:21,051
- [audience laughing]
- "It's ironic. I'm doing it ironically."

984
00:45:22,845 --> 00:45:24,012
[Patton chuckles]

985
00:45:25,931 --> 00:45:29,143
Goddamn, these last six years. Holy shit.

986
00:45:29,768 --> 00:45:33,439
I was in such a panic in 2016,
then all the subsequent years,

987
00:45:33,522 --> 00:45:37,151
"What the hell's going on? Oh my God.
Is America coming to an end?"

988
00:45:37,234 --> 00:45:38,569
No. You know what?

989
00:45:39,069 --> 00:45:41,405
It isn't. It's bad right now,

990
00:45:41,947 --> 00:45:45,284
but everything that's happening
is supposed to be happening right now.

991
00:45:45,367 --> 00:45:47,035
Do you know what 2016 was?

992
00:45:47,536 --> 00:45:50,789
It was the boomers' last temper tantrum.

993
00:45:50,873 --> 00:45:51,873
[audience cheering]

994
00:45:51,915 --> 00:45:54,251
- That's what that was.
- [cheering and applause]

995
00:45:54,334 --> 00:45:57,838
The boomers' last temper tantrum.

996
00:45:58,589 --> 00:46:01,049
Every time a generation gets old,

997
00:46:01,133 --> 00:46:03,802
they panic
because death is scary and gross,

998
00:46:04,595 --> 00:46:07,514
and they put someone shitty
in the White House before they go.

999
00:46:08,015 --> 00:46:11,143
This has happened before.
The greatest generation...

1000
00:46:11,226 --> 00:46:14,646
The greatest generation,
oh my God, fought the Nazis,

1001
00:46:14,730 --> 00:46:18,567
saved the world from tyranny,
came back, built the suburbs,

1002
00:46:18,650 --> 00:46:22,321
raised the baby boomers,
then they started getting old.

1003
00:46:22,404 --> 00:46:25,324
Hair turned gray,
dick didn't work anymore,

1004
00:46:26,116 --> 00:46:28,202
hemorrhoids and hysterectomies.

1005
00:46:28,911 --> 00:46:30,037
They panicked.

1006
00:46:30,120 --> 00:46:31,747
Now it's the late '70s.

1007
00:46:31,830 --> 00:46:34,374
Punk music, they don't know
what's going on. "Fuck this."

1008
00:46:34,458 --> 00:46:37,669
"Put the old cowboy movie actor
in the White House. Yeah, fuck you!"

1009
00:46:38,170 --> 00:46:40,005
"I was here, goddamn it!"

1010
00:46:40,088 --> 00:46:42,090
[applause]

1011
00:46:44,051 --> 00:46:46,720
Then the baby boomers grew up.
Think of the baby boomers.

1012
00:46:46,804 --> 00:46:50,516
They were on the cutting edge of sex,
rock and roll, rebellion...

1013
00:46:50,599 --> 00:46:54,686
They owned youth,
and then they got fucking old.

1014
00:46:54,770 --> 00:46:56,814
[audience laughing]

1015
00:46:56,897 --> 00:46:59,900
And their hair got gray,
and their dick stopped working,

1016
00:46:59,983 --> 00:47:01,568
hemorrhoids and hysterectomies,

1017
00:47:01,652 --> 00:47:05,864
fucking Gen X and Gen Z
making fun of them on Twitter and TikTok.

1018
00:47:05,948 --> 00:47:08,283
All this hip-hop music
they don't understand.

1019
00:47:08,367 --> 00:47:11,829
Now they're, "Oh my God, I'm about to die.
What the fuck is going on?"

1020
00:47:11,912 --> 00:47:15,290
"Put the racist game show host
in the White House. Yeah, fuck you!"

1021
00:47:15,958 --> 00:47:17,084
"I was here!"

1022
00:47:17,167 --> 00:47:19,169
[laughter and applause]

1023
00:47:22,381 --> 00:47:23,590
I'm Gen X.

1024
00:47:24,174 --> 00:47:29,179
Well, our temper tantrum
is going to be beyond ugly.

1025
00:47:29,263 --> 00:47:31,515
[audience laughing]

1026
00:47:31,598 --> 00:47:34,935
When we start getting old, our dicks
stop working, our hair goes gray,

1027
00:47:35,018 --> 00:47:37,479
God knows who we're gonna put
in the White House.

1028
00:47:38,272 --> 00:47:41,650
It's gonna be either Eddie Vedder
or Janeane Garofalo. One of those two.

1029
00:47:41,733 --> 00:47:42,734
I don't know.

1030
00:47:42,818 --> 00:47:43,986
[cheering and applause]

1031
00:47:44,069 --> 00:47:45,069
Look.

1032
00:47:45,863 --> 00:47:47,573
I love those guys.

1033
00:47:49,032 --> 00:47:52,119
- Janeane would be a horrible president.
- [audience laughs]

1034
00:47:52,202 --> 00:47:56,498
I've known her since the '90s. I love her.
She would tell you that herself.

1035
00:47:57,499 --> 00:47:59,960
Janeane, you should be president.
"I'm not doing that shit."

1036
00:48:00,460 --> 00:48:02,838
Oh my God, wait a minute.
That's how she'll win.

1037
00:48:02,921 --> 00:48:04,256
[audience laughs]

1038
00:48:04,339 --> 00:48:08,385
Think of how Gen X thinks. Like,
"That's exactly the attitude we need."

1039
00:48:08,468 --> 00:48:10,304
- [audience laughs]
- That's perfect.

1040
00:48:11,221 --> 00:48:14,141
"No, I'm serious. I'm not doing it."
Yeah, we know, yes.

1041
00:48:14,224 --> 00:48:16,268
[audience laughing]

1042
00:48:16,351 --> 00:48:18,812
She'll blow off a debate.
She won't campaign.

1043
00:48:19,479 --> 00:48:21,940
She won't show up to her own inauguration.

1044
00:48:22,024 --> 00:48:24,026
Yes, that'll be awesome.

1045
00:48:25,027 --> 00:48:28,488
We'll love her even more. CNN will have
a ticker on the bottom of the screen,

1046
00:48:28,572 --> 00:48:31,950
like, "Day 312
of the president not showing up."

1047
00:48:32,034 --> 00:48:34,036
[audience laughing]

1048
00:48:34,828 --> 00:48:38,415
It'll cut to her in some coffee shop.
"I told you I wasn't gonna run."

1049
00:48:38,498 --> 00:48:40,500
[audience laughing]

1050
00:48:43,378 --> 00:48:44,546
And then we'll die,

1051
00:48:45,756 --> 00:48:49,009
and we won't be here to see what Gen Z
puts in the White House.

1052
00:48:49,635 --> 00:48:50,928
President Logan Paul.

1053
00:48:51,470 --> 00:48:53,931
- I don't... Look. I don't know.
- [audience groaning]

1054
00:48:55,015 --> 00:48:56,350
President Joe Rogan.

1055
00:48:56,433 --> 00:48:57,476
[audience groaning]

1056
00:48:57,559 --> 00:48:58,644
He would...

1057
00:48:58,727 --> 00:49:00,979
People, listen to me. I've also...

1058
00:49:01,063 --> 00:49:03,106
I've known Joe since the '90s.

1059
00:49:03,190 --> 00:49:04,650
He is a sweet guy.

1060
00:49:04,733 --> 00:49:06,985
He has gone off the rails.
You know why?

1061
00:49:07,069 --> 00:49:09,529
'Cause someone gave him
a hundred million dollars.

1062
00:49:09,613 --> 00:49:10,739
[audience laughs]

1063
00:49:10,822 --> 00:49:14,076
That would drive anybody... He's actually
handling it better than I would.

1064
00:49:14,576 --> 00:49:15,534
[audience laughs]

1065
00:49:15,535 --> 00:49:18,581
If I had a fucking podcast
about knitting

1066
00:49:18,664 --> 00:49:23,043
and someone gave me a hundred million,
I would fuck yarn on my podcast!

1067
00:49:23,126 --> 00:49:25,128
[audience laughing]

1068
00:49:28,048 --> 00:49:31,802
And Joe would be like,
"Patton went fucking nuts. Oh my God."

1069
00:49:33,679 --> 00:49:34,721
[Patton chuckles]

1070
00:49:38,183 --> 00:49:41,061
Aging isn't bad
if you don't take it personally.

1071
00:49:41,144 --> 00:49:42,813
That's the key, you know.

1072
00:49:42,896 --> 00:49:44,022
Treat it like it's a...

1073
00:49:44,106 --> 00:49:46,108
Pretend you're Jeff Goldblum
in <i>The Fly,</i>

1074
00:49:46,191 --> 00:49:49,611
and you're watching all this weird shit
happen. You're like, "Oh my!"

1075
00:49:49,695 --> 00:49:54,032
Get a leather-bound notebook.
Take notes, you know, late at night, like...

1076
00:49:54,116 --> 00:49:56,952
"Oh. My farts smell like old books."

1077
00:49:57,035 --> 00:49:58,954
- "That's... Hmm."
- [audience laughing]

1078
00:49:59,037 --> 00:50:00,998
"But I'm not eating old books. This..."

1079
00:50:01,623 --> 00:50:03,709
"This calls for further examination."

1080
00:50:03,792 --> 00:50:05,794
[audience laughing]

1081
00:50:07,838 --> 00:50:12,009
"Day 17. Takes longer to stop peeing
than it does to pee."

1082
00:50:12,092 --> 00:50:14,094
[audience laughing]

1083
00:50:21,977 --> 00:50:23,437
It's coming for all of us.

1084
00:50:25,564 --> 00:50:27,858
I'm gonna leave you
with this story about my, uh...

1085
00:50:27,941 --> 00:50:30,444
Another breakdown that I had.

1086
00:50:30,527 --> 00:50:33,697
Foot, all of it, it's all coming apart.
But you know what?

1087
00:50:34,448 --> 00:50:36,783
We're living in the 21st century
and it's okay.

1088
00:50:37,284 --> 00:50:38,660
Always keep that in mind.

1089
00:50:38,744 --> 00:50:42,330
Last year, last November,
I had to have some

1090
00:50:42,831 --> 00:50:45,000
minor surgery, right?

1091
00:50:45,083 --> 00:50:48,754
And I'm gonna tell you the story.
I'm gonna use a little AP English zhoosh

1092
00:50:49,337 --> 00:50:52,257
to keep it from being horrifying,
'cause it is.

1093
00:50:53,425 --> 00:50:56,845
I had to have some minor surgery,
the kind of surgery that,

1094
00:50:57,637 --> 00:50:58,889
um, I'll put it this way,

1095
00:50:58,972 --> 00:51:02,350
men my age who sit down a lot
have to have.

1096
00:51:03,185 --> 00:51:04,394
See where I'm going?

1097
00:51:06,104 --> 00:51:09,483
So... And I'm worried. Still Covid.
"Oh my God, what if I get an infection?"

1098
00:51:09,566 --> 00:51:12,319
But I forgot
I live in the 21st century.

1099
00:51:12,819 --> 00:51:15,739
I have all these advantages
in the plus column.

1100
00:51:16,656 --> 00:51:20,285
On the day of the operation,
I summoned a car with my phone.

1101
00:51:20,786 --> 00:51:23,747
The car came. The guy was masked.
I was masked.

1102
00:51:23,830 --> 00:51:25,999
Car was clean, took me to the hospital.

1103
00:51:26,083 --> 00:51:29,544
Doctor met me, showed me
all the cleanliness protocols they had.

1104
00:51:29,628 --> 00:51:31,588
He said, "This surgery, we've refined it."

1105
00:51:31,671 --> 00:51:34,257
"It only takes an hour.
You'll be out for an hour."

1106
00:51:34,341 --> 00:51:35,759
"You'll go home today."

1107
00:51:36,301 --> 00:51:39,513
He put me under. I wake up an hour later.
Oh my God, I'm fine.

1108
00:51:39,596 --> 00:51:40,722
He goes, "You are fine."

1109
00:51:40,806 --> 00:51:44,601
"Here are some cutting-edge painkillers
to help you with your recovery."

1110
00:51:44,684 --> 00:51:46,103
"You won't feel a thing."

1111
00:51:46,186 --> 00:51:49,189
"Now take out your phone
and summon another car."

1112
00:51:49,272 --> 00:51:51,525
"You live in the 21st century."

1113
00:51:52,150 --> 00:51:54,402
And I did, and the car took me home.

1114
00:51:54,486 --> 00:51:56,613
And when I got home, I had a device

1115
00:51:56,696 --> 00:51:59,366
onto which I could call, from the air,

1116
00:51:59,449 --> 00:52:05,163
movies, books, television shows, music
to entertain me while I recovered.

1117
00:52:05,247 --> 00:52:06,790
Twenty-first century.

1118
00:52:08,917 --> 00:52:10,210
When I left the hospital,

1119
00:52:11,253 --> 00:52:12,253
the doctor said,

1120
00:52:13,130 --> 00:52:14,881
"There's a certain bodily function,

1121
00:52:15,966 --> 00:52:18,301
that you're used to doing every day."

1122
00:52:19,136 --> 00:52:20,929
"And for the next few days,

1123
00:52:21,721 --> 00:52:23,098
you're not gonna do it."

1124
00:52:23,181 --> 00:52:24,558
[audience laughs]

1125
00:52:24,641 --> 00:52:26,726
"And then, after three or four days,

1126
00:52:27,269 --> 00:52:28,687
all of a sudden,

1127
00:52:29,604 --> 00:52:30,730
you will do it."

1128
00:52:30,814 --> 00:52:32,315
[audience laughing]

1129
00:52:32,399 --> 00:52:34,276
"But the first time you do it,

1130
00:52:35,068 --> 00:52:36,611
it will be doing you."

1131
00:52:36,695 --> 00:52:38,697
[audience laughing]

1132
00:52:39,781 --> 00:52:41,116
"There's no shame in it."

1133
00:52:41,825 --> 00:52:44,870
"It's gonna happen, part of the recovery."

1134
00:52:44,953 --> 00:52:46,413
"Go heal in peace."

1135
00:52:46,496 --> 00:52:47,496
I go home.

1136
00:52:48,290 --> 00:52:51,793
First day, I watch movies.
I read books on my iPad.

1137
00:52:51,877 --> 00:52:52,877
I go to sleep.

1138
00:52:52,919 --> 00:52:54,254
Nothing happens.

1139
00:52:54,337 --> 00:52:58,300
Next day, watch movies,
read books on my iPad, go to sleep.

1140
00:52:58,800 --> 00:52:59,801
Nothing happens.

1141
00:53:00,302 --> 00:53:01,302
Third day,

1142
00:53:01,303 --> 00:53:04,807
watch movies,
read books on my iPad,

1143
00:53:04,890 --> 00:53:06,016
go to sleep.

1144
00:53:08,476 --> 00:53:10,145
3:30 in the morning.

1145
00:53:10,228 --> 00:53:12,272
[audience laughing]

1146
00:53:12,355 --> 00:53:13,523
It happens.

1147
00:53:14,191 --> 00:53:17,402
But I wake up as it's happening
and I can feel it coming.

1148
00:53:17,485 --> 00:53:19,196
I'm half a second ahead of it.

1149
00:53:19,279 --> 00:53:22,073
Oh my goodness,
it's not gonna be a disaster.

1150
00:53:22,157 --> 00:53:25,744
I hop out of bed. Everything's okay.
I make it across the bedroom floor.

1151
00:53:25,827 --> 00:53:30,123
I get into the bathroom.
I'm ten feet away from the toilet.

1152
00:53:30,207 --> 00:53:31,583
I'm gonna make it.

1153
00:53:31,666 --> 00:53:33,126
[sings suspenseful melody]

1154
00:53:33,210 --> 00:53:34,878
Boom! No.

1155
00:53:34,961 --> 00:53:36,963
[audience laughing]

1156
00:53:44,763 --> 00:53:47,849
I had managed to get my underwear
and sweatpants off.

1157
00:53:47,933 --> 00:53:49,935
[audience laughing]

1158
00:53:51,311 --> 00:53:54,064
Which made things ten times worse.

1159
00:53:54,147 --> 00:53:56,149
[audience laughing]

1160
00:53:57,442 --> 00:53:58,860
Because now,

1161
00:54:01,821 --> 00:54:04,908
our pristine white-tile bathroom...

1162
00:54:04,991 --> 00:54:07,202
[audience laughing]

1163
00:54:07,285 --> 00:54:09,120
...was

1164
00:54:09,913 --> 00:54:11,248
decorated for autumn.

1165
00:54:11,331 --> 00:54:13,959
- How about that, huh? Yeah.
- [audience laughing]

1166
00:54:14,042 --> 00:54:15,335
Happy Thanksgiving.

1167
00:54:15,418 --> 00:54:16,336
So...

1168
00:54:16,337 --> 00:54:17,545
[audience laughing]

1169
00:54:17,629 --> 00:54:18,755
I'm standing there

1170
00:54:19,589 --> 00:54:22,634
going, "Oh my God, I've got two choices.
I can either clean myself off,

1171
00:54:22,717 --> 00:54:25,929
or risk my wife coming in
and seeing this disaster,

1172
00:54:26,012 --> 00:54:27,847
which she doesn't deserve."

1173
00:54:27,931 --> 00:54:29,557
So, I do the second choice.

1174
00:54:29,641 --> 00:54:33,019
I clean up everything first.
I get a bunch of towels.

1175
00:54:33,103 --> 00:54:36,147
I get everything all cleaned up
in a big, gross wad.

1176
00:54:36,231 --> 00:54:37,941
I gotta take off all my clothes,

1177
00:54:38,483 --> 00:54:41,653
including my shirt. I'd ruined my shirt.

1178
00:54:41,736 --> 00:54:43,363
[audience laughing]

1179
00:54:43,446 --> 00:54:44,906
Physics.

1180
00:54:44,990 --> 00:54:45,948
So...

1181
00:54:45,949 --> 00:54:47,951
[audience laughing]

1182
00:54:52,998 --> 00:54:54,374
Take the whole wad

1183
00:54:55,083 --> 00:54:56,793
down to the... And I'm nude now.

1184
00:54:57,669 --> 00:55:00,171
Go down to the kitchen
with this big wad of horror,

1185
00:55:00,672 --> 00:55:04,092
take the bag out of the can,
put this in the bag.

1186
00:55:04,175 --> 00:55:06,469
Now, four in the morning,

1187
00:55:06,553 --> 00:55:09,389
I gotta walk to the end of my driveway

1188
00:55:10,807 --> 00:55:12,642
where the trash cans are.

1189
00:55:14,311 --> 00:55:16,229
Get the thing open. Drop it.

1190
00:55:16,980 --> 00:55:18,148
And I just stand there.

1191
00:55:18,231 --> 00:55:20,358
[audience laughing]

1192
00:55:20,442 --> 00:55:21,358
Nude.

1193
00:55:21,359 --> 00:55:23,069
[audience laughing]

1194
00:55:23,153 --> 00:55:24,404
4:00 in the morning.

1195
00:55:25,822 --> 00:55:26,822
And I just

1196
00:55:28,241 --> 00:55:29,409
looked at the moon.

1197
00:55:29,492 --> 00:55:31,494
[audience laughing]

1198
00:55:33,997 --> 00:55:36,082
Like, hours ago,

1199
00:55:36,166 --> 00:55:37,751
I was in the 21st century...

1200
00:55:37,834 --> 00:55:39,377
[audience laughing]

1201
00:55:39,461 --> 00:55:43,381
...with access to cutting-edge technology,
medicine, transportation.

1202
00:55:44,090 --> 00:55:45,258
And now,

1203
00:55:45,342 --> 00:55:47,385
just a mere couple of hours later,

1204
00:55:48,178 --> 00:55:49,429
I had been revealed

1205
00:55:49,971 --> 00:55:52,807
as the naked ape I always was.

1206
00:55:52,891 --> 00:55:54,642
[audience laughing]

1207
00:55:54,726 --> 00:55:56,269
[applause]

1208
00:55:56,353 --> 00:55:58,396
[cheering and applause]

1209
00:56:02,817 --> 00:56:03,902
The naked,

1210
00:56:04,444 --> 00:56:06,196
shit-covered ape

1211
00:56:06,946 --> 00:56:08,823
that's inside all of us.

1212
00:56:10,075 --> 00:56:12,702
And I actually had
a weird moment of peace,

1213
00:56:12,786 --> 00:56:14,204
'cause it was so awful,

1214
00:56:14,788 --> 00:56:17,582
and I'm just like, "You know what?
I'm actually as far away

1215
00:56:17,665 --> 00:56:21,211
from the 21st century
as I could possibly be right now."

1216
00:56:21,294 --> 00:56:24,839
"I'm actually closer
to my Neanderthal forebears."

1217
00:56:25,382 --> 00:56:28,051
"There's something
weirdly cleansing about this."

1218
00:56:28,134 --> 00:56:30,553
And I had that feeling
for, like, ten seconds.

1219
00:56:31,221 --> 00:56:35,642
That's when I remembered all my neighbors
have ring cameras on their doors.

1220
00:56:35,725 --> 00:56:38,061
[audience laughing]

1221
00:56:39,771 --> 00:56:42,732
So everybody got
their Christmas card that year.

1222
00:56:43,274 --> 00:56:45,318
Thank you so much, Denver!

1223
00:56:45,402 --> 00:56:47,570
- [cheering and applause]
- Thank you!

1224
00:56:48,071 --> 00:56:49,697
Thank you, guys. Thank you!

1225
00:56:49,781 --> 00:56:51,032
Thank all of you.

1226
00:56:51,116 --> 00:56:54,411
- ["Hard to Kill" by Bleached playing]
- [kisses] Thank you!

1227
00:56:54,494 --> 00:56:57,288
[cheering and applause continues]

1228
00:57:03,253 --> 00:57:07,048
<i>♪ Place the gun to my heart ♪</i>

1229
00:57:07,132 --> 00:57:10,844
<i>♪ I don't care 'cause Friday I'm in love ♪</i>

1230
00:57:10,927 --> 00:57:14,139
<i>♪ We had a plan, don't make it weird ♪</i>

1231
00:57:14,681 --> 00:57:17,851
<i>♪ What I like, baby, it ain't clear ♪</i>

1232
00:57:17,934 --> 00:57:19,227
<i>♪ So close ♪</i>

1233
00:57:19,310 --> 00:57:21,563
<i>♪ I'm looking for a place to breathe ♪</i>

1234
00:57:21,646 --> 00:57:23,064
<i>♪ So close ♪</i>

1235
00:57:23,148 --> 00:57:25,483
<i>♪ Drain me of my everything ♪</i>

1236
00:57:25,567 --> 00:57:26,860
<i>♪ Don't go ♪</i>

1237
00:57:26,943 --> 00:57:28,778
<i>♪ I wanna, wanna trust you ♪</i>

1238
00:57:29,362 --> 00:57:30,613
<i>♪ Don't go ♪</i>

1239
00:57:31,114 --> 00:57:32,449
<i>♪ Don't go ♪</i>

1240
00:57:33,074 --> 00:57:36,077
<i>♪ All the cities that we burned down ♪</i>

1241
00:57:36,578 --> 00:57:38,830
<i>♪ Turns out I'm very hard to kill ♪</i>

1242
00:57:40,540 --> 00:57:43,418
<i>♪ After all the damage we've done ♪</i>

1243
00:57:44,085 --> 00:57:46,337
<i>♪ Turns out I'm very hard to kill ♪</i>

1244
00:57:48,256 --> 00:57:50,258
[whistling]

1245
00:58:05,231 --> 00:58:08,193
<i>♪ Birthday cards at the corner store ♪</i>

1246
00:58:08,276 --> 00:58:12,572
<i>♪ You grabbed a box of Slims
And said, "I want more" ♪</i>

1247
00:58:12,655 --> 00:58:15,909
<i>♪ You're so cool, you hate yourself ♪</i>

1248
00:58:15,992 --> 00:58:19,787
<i>♪ Lying on the floor
In a stranger's house ♪</i>

1249
00:58:27,003 --> 00:58:28,296
<i>♪ So close ♪</i>

1250
00:58:28,379 --> 00:58:30,048
<i>♪ I'm looking for a place to... ♪</i>