1 00:00:06,090 --> 00:00:08,176 ["Hard to Kill" by Bleached plays] 2 00:00:22,982 --> 00:00:24,984 [audience cheering and applauding] 3 00:00:27,695 --> 00:00:29,363 Hello! 4 00:00:29,989 --> 00:00:31,365 Denver! 5 00:00:31,449 --> 00:00:34,494 -[cheering and applause continues] -[Patton laughs] 6 00:00:34,577 --> 00:00:36,662 Oh my God! 7 00:00:37,246 --> 00:00:38,998 Hello. Thank you. 8 00:00:39,499 --> 00:00:40,458 Thank you. 9 00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:42,376 Thank you. 10 00:00:42,460 --> 00:00:43,586 [cheering continues] 11 00:00:43,669 --> 00:00:44,921 Thank you. 12 00:00:45,004 --> 00:00:46,130 Oh my God! 13 00:00:46,672 --> 00:00:47,840 Yes! 14 00:00:47,924 --> 00:00:51,469 Thank you all so much for coming out tonight. 15 00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:54,055 Um… Hey, I broke my foot. 16 00:00:54,138 --> 00:00:54,972 Yeah. 17 00:00:55,598 --> 00:00:58,893 That's how I started my year. I broke my foot. Uh… 18 00:00:58,976 --> 00:01:01,687 It was… It took two… It happened in two parts. 19 00:01:02,188 --> 00:01:06,442 Uh, the second part was I slipped off a curb and I landed wrong. 20 00:01:06,526 --> 00:01:07,860 That was the second part. 21 00:01:07,944 --> 00:01:11,906 The first and most important part was I turned 53. 22 00:01:11,989 --> 00:01:14,450 -That is the crucial part. -[audience laughs] 23 00:01:14,534 --> 00:01:15,910 I… You turn… 24 00:01:15,993 --> 00:01:19,372 Once you get past 50, everything's fatal. 25 00:01:19,455 --> 00:01:24,335 I… When I was in my twenties, I would walk into propellers 26 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,504 and put some Bactine on it. 27 00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:27,755 I was fine. 28 00:01:28,256 --> 00:01:32,343 And now if a pine cone falls near me, my spine implodes. 29 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,971 -I don't know what… Like that. -[audience laughs] 30 00:01:36,556 --> 00:01:39,767 Broke my foot, and then the day after… 31 00:01:39,851 --> 00:01:42,270 I'm gonna drop a name. All right. 32 00:01:42,812 --> 00:01:47,024 Uh, the day after I broke my foot, Glenn Howerton, my friend Glenn Howerton… 33 00:01:47,108 --> 00:01:48,818 [audience cheers] 34 00:01:48,901 --> 00:01:52,155 …who is almost 50, but for this bit he's over 50. 35 00:01:52,238 --> 00:01:55,241 I needed to… Come on, who cares about logic? 36 00:01:55,992 --> 00:01:59,078 He broke his collarbone. 37 00:01:59,162 --> 00:02:03,249 So I called him up, gave him a little solidarity, a little support. 38 00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:05,418 "Hey, man. I broke my foot." "What happened?" 39 00:02:05,501 --> 00:02:06,878 In my mind, I'm thinking, 40 00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:10,089 "Well, he was probably reaching for a bag of SunChips wrong, 41 00:02:10,173 --> 00:02:13,301 and his collarbone broke or something." 42 00:02:13,843 --> 00:02:17,388 And he said, "Yeah, I was snowboarding. I landed a flip wrong." 43 00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:18,306 All right. 44 00:02:18,389 --> 00:02:21,184 -Fuck off. Fuck off. -[audience laughing] 45 00:02:21,267 --> 00:02:23,352 You don't need to go to that much hassle. 46 00:02:23,436 --> 00:02:25,771 Once you get to a certain age, you don't need… 47 00:02:25,855 --> 00:02:28,774 I don't even think that's what happened. I think he's lying to me. 48 00:02:28,858 --> 00:02:31,944 I think… I think somebody slammed a door near him, 49 00:02:32,028 --> 00:02:34,697 and then his collarbone fell into his ass cheek. 50 00:02:34,780 --> 00:02:36,908 And then he told his wife, 51 00:02:36,991 --> 00:02:40,912 "Duct-tape me to a snowboard and push me down a black diamond trail, please." 52 00:02:40,995 --> 00:02:42,997 "Give me some dignity for God's sake." 53 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:45,082 [audience laughing] 54 00:02:47,168 --> 00:02:48,586 I'm gonna drop another name. 55 00:02:49,295 --> 00:02:52,298 A month after I broke my foot, Tony Hawk 56 00:02:53,049 --> 00:02:54,800 -broke his… -[audience cheering] 57 00:02:54,884 --> 00:02:57,470 …broke his femur in two. 58 00:02:57,553 --> 00:02:58,429 Pow! 59 00:02:58,512 --> 00:02:59,931 Landed a vertical wrong. 60 00:03:00,014 --> 00:03:03,976 In his warehouse, doing his verticals, landed it wrong. Broke his femur. 61 00:03:04,060 --> 00:03:06,270 DMs me a picture of his X-ray. 62 00:03:06,354 --> 00:03:08,564 He's like, "Looks like we're in the same boat, buddy." 63 00:03:08,648 --> 00:03:10,733 I'm like, "No, we're fucking not." 64 00:03:10,816 --> 00:03:12,568 -You… -[audience laughing] 65 00:03:12,652 --> 00:03:16,781 You just Jackie-Channed yourself into even more coolness. 66 00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:17,865 [audience laughs] 67 00:03:17,949 --> 00:03:19,909 He found a whole other level of cool. 68 00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:23,996 I slipped off a curb like someone's aunt that saw a bird. 69 00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:26,249 -That is how I went down. -[audience laughs] 70 00:03:26,332 --> 00:03:29,001 I went down in the most embarrassing way possible. 71 00:03:29,085 --> 00:03:30,294 [audience chuckling] 72 00:03:32,672 --> 00:03:35,591 And the one weird thing that happened, 'cause when I did it 73 00:03:35,675 --> 00:03:38,594 I was still in my 23-year-old denial head of, 74 00:03:38,678 --> 00:03:40,596 "I just twisted my ankle. I'll drive home." 75 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:43,266 I was at work. "I'll drive home. I'll be fine." 76 00:03:43,349 --> 00:03:47,228 Driving home, it's hurting worse. "Oh, this actually might be a real thing." 77 00:03:47,311 --> 00:03:49,897 I get home. I can barely get out of the car now. 78 00:03:50,398 --> 00:03:53,025 And I'm limping across the street to my house. 79 00:03:53,651 --> 00:03:57,321 And it's really hurting, and then a car pulls up, 80 00:03:57,405 --> 00:03:58,864 these two women are driving, 81 00:03:58,948 --> 00:04:01,492 and the driver rolls her window down and says, 82 00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:02,410 "You okay?" 83 00:04:02,493 --> 00:04:05,204 I'm like, "Oh, I twisted my ankle. I live right here." 84 00:04:05,288 --> 00:04:07,373 "I'm going inside, put some ice on it." 85 00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:09,208 And then, and this haunts me, 86 00:04:10,209 --> 00:04:12,545 she said, "Well, don't give up." 87 00:04:12,628 --> 00:04:14,714 -[audience laughing] -Which… Wait. 88 00:04:14,797 --> 00:04:16,841 What? Holy shit! 89 00:04:17,341 --> 00:04:19,385 What was the look on my face? 90 00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:21,137 [audience laughing] 91 00:04:21,220 --> 00:04:25,057 What did I… Did she… "He's gonna kill himself. Pull over. Pull over." 92 00:04:25,141 --> 00:04:26,309 "Hey, don't give up." 93 00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:30,146 "Let me play this Peter Gabriel, Kate Bush song. This'll really…" 94 00:04:30,229 --> 00:04:31,647 "Let's listen to this." 95 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:39,613 Maybe that was just my face left over from the shutdown and the pandemic. 96 00:04:39,697 --> 00:04:41,949 Is that how my face permanently is now? 97 00:04:42,033 --> 00:04:45,202 Because I didn't do the shutdown well at all. 98 00:04:45,703 --> 00:04:46,954 I did a bad shutdown. 99 00:04:47,038 --> 00:04:49,332 I planned a great shutdown. 100 00:04:49,415 --> 00:04:52,918 I planned an amazing… Remember when the shutdown happened? 101 00:04:53,002 --> 00:04:55,629 Supposed to stay home, and you had that little memory 102 00:04:55,713 --> 00:04:57,298 of all the times you said, 103 00:04:57,381 --> 00:05:01,135 "If I could just get a month off, I could get my shit together." 104 00:05:01,218 --> 00:05:02,094 [audience laughs] 105 00:05:02,178 --> 00:05:05,222 "I could get my life… I just need a month off." 106 00:05:06,682 --> 00:05:08,225 I planned a great shutdown. 107 00:05:08,309 --> 00:05:10,519 I executed the worst one ever. 108 00:05:10,603 --> 00:05:12,646 Oh my God, the list I made. 109 00:05:12,730 --> 00:05:16,192 The list we all made. We all made the same list? Yes, you did. 110 00:05:16,275 --> 00:05:19,278 All the great books you were gonna read. All the great books. 111 00:05:19,362 --> 00:05:21,447 All the skills you were gonna learn. 112 00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:24,825 Oh my God, we couldn't wait to work on ourselves. 113 00:05:25,451 --> 00:05:28,829 If I had actually followed the list that I made, 114 00:05:29,413 --> 00:05:32,708 there'd be a different man standing in front of you right now. 115 00:05:33,417 --> 00:05:35,086 He'd be 30 pounds lighter. 116 00:05:36,379 --> 00:05:38,005 He'd be speaking fluent Italian. 117 00:05:38,089 --> 00:05:39,215 [audience laughs] 118 00:05:39,298 --> 00:05:40,466 When all of you walked in, 119 00:05:40,549 --> 00:05:44,428 there would have been a handmade raspberry almond crumble tart 120 00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:47,640 on everyone's chair, on each chair. 121 00:05:47,723 --> 00:05:50,309 I would have hand-milled the flour this morning. 122 00:05:50,393 --> 00:05:52,144 [audience laughing] 123 00:05:52,228 --> 00:05:55,106 You would have eaten it off of an origami plate. 124 00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:56,190 [audience laughs] 125 00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:59,527 When you're done eating, you throw the plate down, it pops up into a frog. 126 00:05:59,610 --> 00:06:02,780 -Oh my God! Oh, the plans I had! -[audience laughing] 127 00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,699 I didn't do any of that shit. 128 00:06:06,450 --> 00:06:08,369 I ate Doritos for breakfast, 129 00:06:08,452 --> 00:06:12,498 and I watched Deadwood twice all the way through. 130 00:06:13,124 --> 00:06:15,167 Watched it. Finished it. 131 00:06:15,251 --> 00:06:17,670 Back to episode one. Hit play. 132 00:06:17,753 --> 00:06:19,505 [audience laughing] 133 00:06:19,588 --> 00:06:20,631 That's all I fucking did. 134 00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:24,385 And then I went crazier than a barn full of clown pubes. 135 00:06:24,468 --> 00:06:25,761 That is what I did 136 00:06:27,012 --> 00:06:28,889 during the shutdown. 137 00:06:28,973 --> 00:06:30,599 And listen, when I… 138 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:35,521 When I say, "Crazier than a barn full of clown pubes…" 139 00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:37,481 [audience laughing] 140 00:06:37,565 --> 00:06:39,108 …I'm not kink-shaming. 141 00:06:39,191 --> 00:06:41,193 -I'm not judging. -[audience laughs] 142 00:06:41,777 --> 00:06:46,657 Clowns have as much right to have a varied and experimental, 143 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,242 adventurous sex life. 144 00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:52,538 I'm saying the source of the crazy isn't the clown pubes. 145 00:06:52,621 --> 00:06:56,542 It's the having the thought and then the follow-through 146 00:06:57,042 --> 00:06:59,086 of "I'm gonna fill this barn…" 147 00:06:59,170 --> 00:07:00,713 [audience laughing] 148 00:07:00,796 --> 00:07:03,174 "…with the p--" I just want that to be clear. 149 00:07:03,799 --> 00:07:06,343 That the source of the crazy is the barn. 150 00:07:06,427 --> 00:07:08,888 The barn full of pubes isn't even the crazy. 151 00:07:08,971 --> 00:07:11,182 It was the act of filling the barn… 152 00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,725 Listen, if you… 153 00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:18,564 If you just filled a barn with pubes, you've checked off the crazy box. 154 00:07:18,647 --> 00:07:19,607 [audience laughing] 155 00:07:19,690 --> 00:07:22,860 But this person went, "I'm putting obstructions in my way." 156 00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:25,988 "I will only collect the pub--" 157 00:07:26,071 --> 00:07:29,909 Also, how do you… There's no way to know. Clown pubes don't look different. 158 00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:34,371 Like, they're not bright orange. They're not rainbow-colored. Look. 159 00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:37,333 Some are, but a lot… There's a lot of… Listen. 160 00:07:38,417 --> 00:07:39,251 There… 161 00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:43,047 There's a lot of non-clown pubes that are bright orange 162 00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:44,340 and rainbow-colored. 163 00:07:44,423 --> 00:07:49,220 That's not what I'm saying here. What I'm saying is there's no way 164 00:07:50,471 --> 00:07:52,765 that… Okay, this is what I'm saying. 165 00:07:53,349 --> 00:07:54,683 Wait. Fuck. 166 00:07:54,767 --> 00:07:55,851 Okay. 167 00:07:55,935 --> 00:07:56,852 If you… 168 00:08:00,022 --> 00:08:02,274 Like, okay, if you're walking around… 169 00:08:02,358 --> 00:08:03,692 [audience laughing] 170 00:08:03,776 --> 00:08:06,153 …and there's a barn, and you open those two big doors, 171 00:08:06,237 --> 00:08:07,571 there's a wall of pubes, 172 00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:11,450 and you go, "Well, there's a maniac roaming the countryside." 173 00:08:11,534 --> 00:08:14,119 If someone said, "Those are only clown pubes." 174 00:08:14,203 --> 00:08:16,872 Like, "Oh! We gotta call the National Guard." 175 00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:18,749 Wait a minute. What? 176 00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:21,961 'Cause there's no way to prove that. 177 00:08:22,044 --> 00:08:23,837 [audience laughing] 178 00:08:25,464 --> 00:08:27,716 Oh, okay, wait. You could do this. 179 00:08:28,259 --> 00:08:29,760 Every time… 180 00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:31,595 Every time that you collect… 181 00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:33,305 Not… Not a… 182 00:08:33,973 --> 00:08:35,975 Not a clump. That's gross. 183 00:08:36,058 --> 00:08:37,351 Not a clump of… No. 184 00:08:37,434 --> 00:08:39,186 [audience laughing] 185 00:08:39,270 --> 00:08:40,437 Clump is too gross. 186 00:08:41,230 --> 00:08:42,815 Thatch? No. 187 00:08:42,898 --> 00:08:44,191 [audience laughs] 188 00:08:44,275 --> 00:08:45,693 Thatch is too folksy. 189 00:08:45,776 --> 00:08:47,069 That's… That's the other… 190 00:08:47,152 --> 00:08:50,990 Like, if Cracker Barrel opened a BDSM store, 191 00:08:51,073 --> 00:08:55,286 they would call it the Thatch of Pubes. That's what it would be called. 192 00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:57,454 You'd go down to the Th-- 193 00:08:57,538 --> 00:09:00,416 It'd probably be connected to the Cracker Barrel. You'd go in, 194 00:09:00,499 --> 00:09:04,461 get a nice breakfast, then go, "Hang on. I gotta pop into the Thatch of Pubes." 195 00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:05,546 [audience laughs] 196 00:09:05,629 --> 00:09:07,756 "Pay the bill. I'll meet you at the front." 197 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,425 [audience laughing] 198 00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:11,427 Thatch of Pu-- 199 00:09:11,510 --> 00:09:13,596 ♪ Thatch of Pubes ♪ 200 00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:14,805 [audience laughs] 201 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,098 [laughing] We… 202 00:09:16,181 --> 00:09:19,226 ♪ We've got nipple clamps And scented lubes ♪ 203 00:09:19,310 --> 00:09:20,311 [audience laughs] 204 00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:21,270 We've got 205 00:09:22,438 --> 00:09:26,025 floggers, and paddles, and dildos. Oh my! 206 00:09:27,026 --> 00:09:30,321 And a tower of butt plugs that kisses the sky. 207 00:09:30,404 --> 00:09:32,239 [audience laughs] 208 00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:37,703 -Tell 'em Petunia the pube pig sent ya. -[audience laughs] 209 00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:39,913 Oink. All right. Um… 210 00:09:39,997 --> 00:09:41,582 [audience laughs] 211 00:09:45,044 --> 00:09:47,963 Handful. Handful of clown pubes. That's 212 00:09:48,756 --> 00:09:50,090 non-gender specific. 213 00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:53,886 Every time you collect a handful of clown pubes, 214 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,180 you take a Polaroid. 215 00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:58,515 You have a Polaroid, so you're kneeling down. 216 00:09:58,599 --> 00:10:00,601 You're collecting the pubes. You got your baggy. 217 00:10:01,185 --> 00:10:04,396 Gotta do it full length. Get the whole clown in there. 218 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:07,149 He or she's gotta be in their wig, their makeup, 219 00:10:07,650 --> 00:10:09,360 holding that day's newspaper… 220 00:10:09,443 --> 00:10:11,236 -[audience laughing] -…so you know. 221 00:10:12,154 --> 00:10:15,783 Then you take a hole-punch, punch a hole through the Polaroid, 222 00:10:15,866 --> 00:10:18,619 get a ribbon, put it through that hole, 223 00:10:18,702 --> 00:10:22,748 tie the other end of the ribbon to the… the… the handful of pubes, 224 00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:24,667 toss it in the barn… 225 00:10:24,750 --> 00:10:27,586 Every handful of pubes is accounted for. 226 00:10:27,670 --> 00:10:30,464 There you go. And that's how you would pro-- 227 00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:32,341 Fuck, no. No, you can't. 228 00:10:32,424 --> 00:10:33,425 You know why? 229 00:10:33,509 --> 00:10:36,136 No, that doesn't work, because then someone can go, 230 00:10:36,220 --> 00:10:38,514 "Technically, you didn't fill the barn with pubes 231 00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:41,183 because the ribbon and the Polaroid took up--" 232 00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:45,187 No, it has to be complete confidence in the speaker 233 00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,732 and total trust in the listener. 234 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:52,528 When you say I tho-- This is what's happening right now, okay? 235 00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:55,531 We're starting this set out. 236 00:10:55,614 --> 00:10:57,700 Let's go on a journey for the next hour. 237 00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:00,661 I started off pretty strong, I think. 238 00:11:00,744 --> 00:11:04,248 I think I've won your trust, but you know what? You shouldn't 100%-- 239 00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:05,833 No. Not yet though. 240 00:11:05,916 --> 00:11:08,335 [audience laughing] 241 00:11:08,419 --> 00:11:11,880 Because what you've got… Listen. What I've done, comedically, 242 00:11:11,964 --> 00:11:14,425 creatively, I have opened the barn doors. 243 00:11:14,508 --> 00:11:16,385 [audience laughing] 244 00:11:16,468 --> 00:11:18,262 And there's a wall of pubes. 245 00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:19,555 [audience laughing] 246 00:11:19,638 --> 00:11:22,891 And yes, it's impressive, but you're right to go, "You know what?" 247 00:11:22,975 --> 00:11:26,478 "I bet that wall of pubes, I bet that's a half an inch thick." 248 00:11:26,562 --> 00:11:28,814 "And there's a big sheet of plywood behind, 249 00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:30,649 and the rest of the barn is empty." 250 00:11:30,733 --> 00:11:33,652 "I've been screwed over too many…" You're right to think that. 251 00:11:33,736 --> 00:11:35,404 What I'm… This is what I'm doing. 252 00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:37,448 As a comedian, I'm inviting you… 253 00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:42,786 I'm saying I want you to run as hard as you can 254 00:11:43,412 --> 00:11:45,164 into this wall of pubes, 255 00:11:45,247 --> 00:11:48,292 and then, I want you to fight your way back, 256 00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:51,044 just fight your way to the back of the barn… 257 00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:52,671 [audience laughing] 258 00:11:52,755 --> 00:11:55,466 …until you're cocooned in pubes. 259 00:11:56,175 --> 00:11:57,885 You know what I mean? At the back. 260 00:11:57,968 --> 00:12:00,554 And when your hand hits that back wall, 261 00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:03,849 you will think, "I met a man of honor." 262 00:12:03,932 --> 00:12:06,143 -That is what you will think. -[audience laughing] 263 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,312 That is what I want for us. 264 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:11,190 Not me, not you, us. All of us. 265 00:12:11,273 --> 00:12:12,399 That's what I want. 266 00:12:13,859 --> 00:12:16,653 Those are the kind of bits I wrote during the shutdown. 267 00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:20,073 I'd be awake for eight days in a row… 268 00:12:20,157 --> 00:12:21,450 [applause] 269 00:12:21,533 --> 00:12:23,076 Five in the morning, 270 00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:26,121 "The fucking Polaroid doesn't even work!" 271 00:12:26,997 --> 00:12:27,998 Goddamn it! 272 00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,459 [audience cheering and applauding] 273 00:12:33,629 --> 00:12:35,172 I bought a trampoline. 274 00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:36,882 [audience laughs] 275 00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:40,135 Not a giant backyard… One of those little workout ones. 276 00:12:40,219 --> 00:12:42,346 Yeah. Little tiny trampoline. 277 00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:44,807 It's called a rebounder. Awesome. 278 00:12:44,890 --> 00:12:48,143 You get up on it. You hop up and down, get the lymphatic system going, 279 00:12:48,227 --> 00:12:52,689 "Here you go. Ooh. Out, in. Forward, back. Ski it out." 280 00:12:53,357 --> 00:12:54,233 Great workout. 281 00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:57,236 Got it right at the beginning of the pandemic. 282 00:12:57,820 --> 00:13:00,864 "I'm gonna stay fit during this thing, man. I got my new rebounder." 283 00:13:00,948 --> 00:13:03,784 It came out of the box, not a speck of dust on it. 284 00:13:03,867 --> 00:13:05,536 Oh, I was so excited. 285 00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:07,746 I could feel how excited the rebounder was. 286 00:13:08,622 --> 00:13:11,583 You could feel it. He was like, "I'm gonna make a difference in this house." 287 00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:15,379 "I belong here. I'm gonna change things for the better." 288 00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:18,549 I'm like, "That's right, little rebounder. Wanna go inside the house?" 289 00:13:18,632 --> 00:13:19,842 "You wanna go in the gym?" 290 00:13:19,925 --> 00:13:21,885 He's like, "Yeah." We have a gym in our house. 291 00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:24,721 It's a room with an elliptical in it. We call it a gym. 292 00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:26,306 [audience laughs] 293 00:13:26,390 --> 00:13:28,934 I take him inside. Oh, he's so excited. 294 00:13:29,768 --> 00:13:32,437 I put him down. "I'll see you tomorrow, little rebounder." 295 00:13:32,521 --> 00:13:33,564 He goes, "Yeah." 296 00:13:34,231 --> 00:13:35,440 We both looked over 297 00:13:36,567 --> 00:13:37,693 at the elliptical. 298 00:13:37,776 --> 00:13:40,571 [audience laughs] 299 00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:41,905 Against the wall. 300 00:13:42,906 --> 00:13:44,491 Clothes hanging off of it. 301 00:13:44,575 --> 00:13:46,410 [audience laughs] 302 00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:47,744 Covered in dust. 303 00:13:48,704 --> 00:13:52,791 And I could feel the rebounder's heart break. 304 00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:55,294 I could feel his… You know what it felt like? 305 00:13:55,377 --> 00:13:58,338 It felt like the rookie cop fresh out of the academy. 306 00:13:58,422 --> 00:14:02,509 He's like, "Give me the worst precinct in town. I'll turn it around!" 307 00:14:02,593 --> 00:14:05,721 "I've got progressive policing techniques, community outreach." 308 00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:07,347 "I'll make a difference." 309 00:14:07,431 --> 00:14:10,267 And he shows up that first day, big thermos of green tea, 310 00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:12,644 little keto lunch, he's all excited. 311 00:14:14,313 --> 00:14:16,857 Looks over in the corner, "Who's at his desk?" 312 00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:18,734 The old homicide cop. 313 00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:20,360 [audience laughs] 314 00:14:20,444 --> 00:14:21,987 Eight bullet holes in him. 315 00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:24,323 Eleven colostomy bags. 316 00:14:24,406 --> 00:14:26,742 [audience laughing] 317 00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:29,119 He's having his seventh Viceroy of the morning. 318 00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:31,163 -[audience laughing] -[Patton exhales] 319 00:14:32,122 --> 00:14:33,415 That's the elliptical. 320 00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:35,626 [audience laughing] 321 00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:37,586 Looks at the little rookie rebounder, 322 00:14:38,670 --> 00:14:40,005 "You're gonna learn, kid." 323 00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:42,090 [audience laughing] 324 00:14:42,174 --> 00:14:45,093 "You think I didn't have dreams when I came here, huh?" 325 00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:47,930 "I was top of the line!" 326 00:14:48,764 --> 00:14:53,977 "You can stream movies on me, TV shows, mountain programs, everything!" 327 00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:57,731 "Oh! I was gonna turn this house of fatties around." 328 00:14:57,814 --> 00:14:59,608 [audience laughing] 329 00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:03,111 "That guy that just dropped you off, he was on me day one." 330 00:15:03,612 --> 00:15:05,405 "Cute little workout outfit." 331 00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:09,201 "Little iPhone. He downloaded a bunch of podcasts on it." 332 00:15:09,284 --> 00:15:10,953 "Ooh, a thinker!" 333 00:15:11,036 --> 00:15:13,038 [audience laughing] 334 00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:18,460 "He gets up on me, stretch those little fat thighs, 335 00:15:18,543 --> 00:15:21,046 pumping them up and down." [grunting] 336 00:15:22,214 --> 00:15:24,091 "Thought he was gonna go the distance." 337 00:15:26,301 --> 00:15:28,720 "He didn't make it past the first Blue Apron ad." 338 00:15:28,804 --> 00:15:31,306 -[inhales, exhales] -[audience laughing] 339 00:15:32,849 --> 00:15:34,017 "Hopped off of me." 340 00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,604 "Went and checked his texts in the crapper." 341 00:15:37,688 --> 00:15:39,523 [audience laughs] 342 00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:41,400 "He never came back." 343 00:15:41,483 --> 00:15:43,485 [audience laughs] 344 00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:45,946 "Oh, he'll be here tomorrow." 345 00:15:46,029 --> 00:15:48,198 "Oh, he'll be in his little workout outfit." 346 00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:51,410 "He'll probably put a little playlist on his iPhone." 347 00:15:51,493 --> 00:15:52,452 "Yeah." 348 00:15:52,536 --> 00:15:54,246 "He's a Gen X-er in his fifties." 349 00:15:54,329 --> 00:15:57,207 "I bet it'll be all early '80s New Wave pop." 350 00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:58,959 [audience laughs] 351 00:16:00,085 --> 00:16:03,296 "That's how he's gonna get thin. Nostalgia." 352 00:16:03,380 --> 00:16:05,507 [audience laughs] 353 00:16:05,590 --> 00:16:07,092 "He'll hop up on you, 354 00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:10,178 start jumping up and down like a gibbon full of Skittles." 355 00:16:10,262 --> 00:16:12,681 [audience laughs] 356 00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:15,892 "What'll be the first song he listens to? I can call it right now." 357 00:16:15,976 --> 00:16:18,103 "It'll be the Go-Go's 'Our Lips Are Sealed.'" 358 00:16:18,186 --> 00:16:19,604 "That'll be the first song." 359 00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:23,859 "And you'll be all excited. 'Oh, he's gonna go the full hour'"! 360 00:16:25,444 --> 00:16:27,487 "He won't make it past the bridge." 361 00:16:27,571 --> 00:16:29,281 [audience laughs] 362 00:16:29,865 --> 00:16:32,534 "The minute Jane Wiedlin starts singing, "Hush my darling," 363 00:16:32,617 --> 00:16:35,287 he'll hop off of you, he'll check his texts in the crapper." 364 00:16:35,370 --> 00:16:36,955 "He'll never come back." 365 00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:38,457 [audience laughs] 366 00:16:38,540 --> 00:16:43,336 "Extinguish all joy within you, and nothing'll ever hurt you again." 367 00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:45,255 [audience laughs] 368 00:16:47,257 --> 00:16:51,428 I just pitched the saddest Pixar movie in the… 369 00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:54,097 If they do a movie with the Safdie brothers, 370 00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:55,974 that's gotta be their movie. 371 00:16:57,642 --> 00:16:59,686 Harvey Keitel is the elliptical. 372 00:16:59,770 --> 00:17:02,355 [audience laughing] 373 00:17:03,023 --> 00:17:05,233 Timothée Chalamet is the rebounder. 374 00:17:05,317 --> 00:17:07,319 [audience laughing] 375 00:17:08,111 --> 00:17:11,823 And Frances McDormand is the half-inflated exercise ball. 376 00:17:11,907 --> 00:17:13,909 [audience laughs] 377 00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:20,499 Went fucking crazy during the shutdown. 378 00:17:20,582 --> 00:17:24,628 My rock-bottom, psychologically, during the shutdown 379 00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:26,963 happened on the same day as my wife and daughter's. 380 00:17:27,047 --> 00:17:30,550 We all hit crazy rock-bottom at the same time. 381 00:17:30,634 --> 00:17:32,469 Um, it was a weekday. 382 00:17:32,969 --> 00:17:35,347 We're all in the house, staying inside. 383 00:17:35,430 --> 00:17:36,389 Doing our part. 384 00:17:36,890 --> 00:17:37,974 Stop the spread. 385 00:17:38,975 --> 00:17:42,020 My daughter's in the kitchen, and out of nowhere, she says, 386 00:17:42,104 --> 00:17:44,272 "Hey, there's a weird guy in our backyard." 387 00:17:44,356 --> 00:17:46,691 [audience laughing] 388 00:17:46,775 --> 00:17:49,611 What the fuck? I go running out, "What?" 389 00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:52,489 Looking out, "I don't see anybody. You saw someone?" 390 00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:55,492 She goes, "Some weird guy just walked across our backyard 391 00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:58,161 and went around the back. He's back there right now." 392 00:17:58,245 --> 00:17:59,579 I'm like, "Oh shit!" 393 00:18:00,372 --> 00:18:02,499 We have cameras all over the property. 394 00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:06,419 I have an app on my phone. You click it and can look at what the camera sees. 395 00:18:06,503 --> 00:18:09,214 I'm waiting for it. I'm gonna go back and confront him. 396 00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:11,842 I just wanna know what I'm about to deal with. 397 00:18:12,342 --> 00:18:13,885 I don't know what's back there. 398 00:18:13,969 --> 00:18:16,972 What if it's a lost hippie wanting someone to hacky-sack with him? 399 00:18:17,055 --> 00:18:18,431 "I'll hacky-sack with you." 400 00:18:18,515 --> 00:18:20,517 [audience laughing] 401 00:18:21,893 --> 00:18:25,188 Could be a maniac, nude, with a bucket of chicken on his dick, holding a sword. 402 00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:28,400 I don't know what's back… I just wanna be ready. 403 00:18:28,483 --> 00:18:29,901 [audience laughing] 404 00:18:32,279 --> 00:18:35,323 But the cameras aren't loading, and I'm waiting for it. Goddamn it. 405 00:18:35,407 --> 00:18:36,575 And then my wife 406 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,035 pushes past us, 407 00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:40,453 doesn't say anything 408 00:18:41,163 --> 00:18:43,957 and goes striding across the back lawn. 409 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:47,794 She's got a white summer dress on flowing in the wind, barefoot. 410 00:18:49,045 --> 00:18:52,090 And she's holding a pink, aluminum baseball bat. 411 00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:54,176 [audience laughing] 412 00:18:55,886 --> 00:18:59,973 And she has serious Manson girl energy coming off of her, like… 413 00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:01,183 [audience laughs] 414 00:19:01,266 --> 00:19:05,061 "Look at that hot, hippie chick that I wanna fuck and get murdered by." 415 00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:06,354 "Yay." 416 00:19:06,438 --> 00:19:09,232 [laughing] So, she… 417 00:19:10,901 --> 00:19:14,654 It takes me a second to realize what she's doing, then I go clomping after her, 418 00:19:14,738 --> 00:19:18,408 in my flip-flops and cargo pants, but she's already around the corner 419 00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,702 and she's already laying into this guy. 420 00:19:20,785 --> 00:19:23,580 Before I can turn the corner, I hear her screaming at him, 421 00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:27,000 "Who the fuck are you? Get the fuck out of my yard!" 422 00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:28,585 "I will fuck you up." 423 00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,003 [audience laughing] 424 00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:31,880 [audience cheering and applauding] 425 00:19:31,963 --> 00:19:32,797 So… 426 00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:37,219 I… 427 00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:39,596 I turned the corner. 428 00:19:40,555 --> 00:19:42,224 She's in a stance. 429 00:19:42,307 --> 00:19:43,642 [audience laughs] 430 00:19:43,725 --> 00:19:46,436 Like Uma in Kill Bill, she's ready to go. 431 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:47,938 [audience laughs] 432 00:19:48,438 --> 00:19:49,940 The guy she's yelling at, 433 00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:53,985 little scruffy looking, didn't look crazy, didn't look homeless, 434 00:19:54,069 --> 00:19:55,028 holding a cell phone, 435 00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:58,031 just looked a little off, and she's screaming and yelling at him, 436 00:19:58,114 --> 00:19:59,950 "What the fuck are you doing here?" 437 00:20:01,284 --> 00:20:02,702 Now I'm gonna stop the story 438 00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:05,664 and tell you what was actually happening. 439 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:10,168 There was something wrong with our air conditioner. I-- 440 00:20:10,252 --> 00:20:11,628 [audience laughing] 441 00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:13,588 [audience continues laughing] 442 00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:16,883 I called our contractor 443 00:20:18,260 --> 00:20:22,097 and said, "Can you send someone to the house to fix the AC?" 444 00:20:22,180 --> 00:20:23,390 Without telling us, 445 00:20:23,473 --> 00:20:27,644 he gave this guy our address and gate code and sent him to the house. 446 00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:30,647 So yes, massive misunderstanding. 447 00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:33,900 My wife is now screaming at him, and she's just fucking… 448 00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:36,319 Just blazing Valkyrie, 449 00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:39,990 shrieking at the top of her lungs at this guy, "Who the fuck are you?" 450 00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:42,325 Now, to his discredit… 451 00:20:42,409 --> 00:20:44,035 [audience laughing] 452 00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:47,372 …when there is a blazing-eyed Valkyrie 453 00:20:47,872 --> 00:20:50,333 holding a vagina-colored piece of metal… 454 00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:51,710 [audience laughing] 455 00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:53,295 …threatening to kill you, 456 00:20:54,337 --> 00:20:58,425 answer in short, declarative sentences. 457 00:20:58,508 --> 00:21:00,510 [audience laughing] 458 00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:02,345 [applause] 459 00:21:02,971 --> 00:21:03,930 This guy… 460 00:21:04,556 --> 00:21:08,351 This guy was going, "Who's anybody really, man? Like…" 461 00:21:08,893 --> 00:21:12,063 "Every day was… Oh, the wheel in the sky…" 462 00:21:12,147 --> 00:21:13,398 Oh, goddamn it. 463 00:21:14,733 --> 00:21:19,404 Now she's got both hands on the bat. She's gonna swing on the guy. 464 00:21:19,904 --> 00:21:21,072 And then he looks at me. 465 00:21:21,156 --> 00:21:23,783 And when he looks at me, that's when he gets scared. 466 00:21:23,867 --> 00:21:25,201 [audience laughs] 467 00:21:25,285 --> 00:21:29,748 He started saying, "My name is Michael. Your guy Steve sent me here to figure--" 468 00:21:29,831 --> 00:21:33,168 And my wife's like, "Oh my God, he didn't tell us. I'm so sorry." 469 00:21:33,251 --> 00:21:35,253 "Oh my God, I'm gonna call him right now." 470 00:21:35,337 --> 00:21:38,089 "I'm… This was… This really got off on the wrong foot." 471 00:21:38,173 --> 00:21:39,716 "How about you leave…" 472 00:21:39,799 --> 00:21:42,218 The guy was more than happy to leave. 473 00:21:42,302 --> 00:21:43,345 [audience laughs] 474 00:21:43,428 --> 00:21:47,057 I'm sure he was driving home going, "That poor bastard. Oh my God." 475 00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:50,143 "I'm sure the sex is amazing but…" 476 00:21:50,226 --> 00:21:52,228 -Um… -[audience laughing] 477 00:21:53,688 --> 00:21:56,399 A lot of you hear the story and go, "That's not very manly of you." 478 00:21:56,483 --> 00:21:59,152 "You let your wife… God knows what could've happened!" 479 00:21:59,652 --> 00:22:00,820 I argue the opposite. 480 00:22:00,904 --> 00:22:01,780 [audience laughs] 481 00:22:01,863 --> 00:22:04,574 I say that our timing and placement 482 00:22:04,657 --> 00:22:08,244 made us a more effective home invasion deterrent. 483 00:22:08,328 --> 00:22:09,496 [audience laughs] 484 00:22:09,579 --> 00:22:12,707 'Cause remember he never got scared when she was screaming at him? 485 00:22:12,791 --> 00:22:14,334 He just kept going, "I…" 486 00:22:14,417 --> 00:22:17,253 You know why? He couldn't process what he was seeing. 487 00:22:17,337 --> 00:22:18,380 [audience laughs] 488 00:22:18,463 --> 00:22:21,925 Gorgeous Valkyrie, vagina-colored metal, screaming. 489 00:22:22,008 --> 00:22:24,427 Too much. Too fucking much. 490 00:22:25,053 --> 00:22:26,388 Couldn't process it. 491 00:22:27,097 --> 00:22:29,641 And also, again, the energy she's giving off is 492 00:22:29,724 --> 00:22:32,435 outer-space sex vixen about to murder you. 493 00:22:32,519 --> 00:22:34,479 -[audience laughing] -Can't process it. 494 00:22:35,313 --> 00:22:37,107 You know what he could process? 495 00:22:37,190 --> 00:22:38,191 Me. 496 00:22:38,274 --> 00:22:40,151 Standing five feet behind her, 497 00:22:40,235 --> 00:22:42,362 'cause the energy I was giving off was, 498 00:22:42,445 --> 00:22:45,031 "I can't do nothing when she gets like this." 499 00:22:45,115 --> 00:22:49,244 "I… I tried to get her to go to the nervous hospital, see?" 500 00:22:49,327 --> 00:22:51,454 "She said she'd burn the house down." 501 00:22:51,538 --> 00:22:54,332 "She's killed so many Amazon delivery drivers." 502 00:22:54,416 --> 00:22:57,877 "I can't dig no more holes in the desert. Please just run!" 503 00:22:57,961 --> 00:22:59,963 [audience laughing] 504 00:23:14,018 --> 00:23:17,897 I'm doing some poses that we can freeze for the Netflix save screen. A little… 505 00:23:18,398 --> 00:23:20,775 [audience laughing] 506 00:23:20,859 --> 00:23:22,861 [cheering and applause] 507 00:23:25,738 --> 00:23:26,781 [Patton chuckles] 508 00:23:28,867 --> 00:23:30,410 [audience laughing] 509 00:23:37,292 --> 00:23:40,170 There's gotta be… What if I did… What if I use… 510 00:23:40,253 --> 00:23:42,088 Here's what I'm gonna do. Watch. Like this. 511 00:23:42,589 --> 00:23:45,341 [audience laughing and cheering] 512 00:23:45,425 --> 00:23:46,843 Now, look. That's… 513 00:23:47,343 --> 00:23:50,180 That's not a bit in the special, but if you're watching Netflix, 514 00:23:50,263 --> 00:23:53,850 and that "coming up next," you're like, "Let's watch a minute of that." 515 00:23:53,933 --> 00:23:56,019 Like, "What the fuck is this?" 516 00:23:56,102 --> 00:23:58,104 [audience laughing] 517 00:23:58,730 --> 00:24:00,773 [Patton chuckling] 518 00:24:01,816 --> 00:24:03,526 I'm vaxxed and boosted. 519 00:24:03,610 --> 00:24:06,237 -Yes, I am. Thank you. It shouldn't… -[cheering and applause] 520 00:24:06,321 --> 00:24:07,322 Thank you. But… 521 00:24:07,947 --> 00:24:08,907 That… Look. 522 00:24:10,825 --> 00:24:14,454 Thank you. It's also sad that gets applause at this point, isn't it? 523 00:24:14,954 --> 00:24:18,208 You get applause for taking the most basic care of your health? 524 00:24:18,291 --> 00:24:21,503 That's like me going, "Folks, I wipe after I shit. Thank…" No. 525 00:24:21,586 --> 00:24:22,837 No, no. 526 00:24:22,921 --> 00:24:25,924 -[cheering and applause] -People. No. 527 00:24:26,007 --> 00:24:29,385 I'm no… I'm no hero now. 528 00:24:29,469 --> 00:24:31,888 It's the lumberjacks who cut down the trees 529 00:24:31,971 --> 00:24:34,057 that make the toilet… Those are the heroes. 530 00:24:34,140 --> 00:24:35,808 [audience laughing] 531 00:24:35,892 --> 00:24:37,101 [man] Yeah! 532 00:24:37,685 --> 00:24:38,520 [chuckles] 533 00:24:38,603 --> 00:24:41,105 I assume there's a lumberjack here. All right, um… 534 00:24:41,189 --> 00:24:43,024 -[audience laughs] -[Patton chuckles] 535 00:24:43,107 --> 00:24:45,109 Or a really enthusiastic wiper. 536 00:24:45,860 --> 00:24:47,862 -Um… -[audience laughing] 537 00:24:50,031 --> 00:24:54,035 I got my vax right when the vax came out. Immediately. 538 00:24:54,118 --> 00:24:58,498 I didn't jump the line. I didn't use my privilege, but… 539 00:24:58,581 --> 00:25:00,917 I acted on some inside information, 540 00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:03,211 and I feel bad about this. 541 00:25:03,294 --> 00:25:05,213 This is how I did it. Uh… 542 00:25:05,296 --> 00:25:08,841 Right when the vaccine came out, I have a friend, lives out in Riverside. 543 00:25:08,925 --> 00:25:12,679 And he calls me and says, "I don't know if I should tell you this, but, 544 00:25:12,762 --> 00:25:15,348 uh, out where I'm living, it's MAGA country." 545 00:25:15,431 --> 00:25:17,308 "No one is getting the vaccine." 546 00:25:17,392 --> 00:25:20,103 "There's a Rite Aid near me, a woman sitting at a table." 547 00:25:20,186 --> 00:25:23,022 "Everyone that walks in she asks if they want it. No one will get it." 548 00:25:23,106 --> 00:25:25,567 "They're throwing crates of this shit out the back." 549 00:25:25,650 --> 00:25:27,902 "If you drive out here, you will get a shot." 550 00:25:27,986 --> 00:25:30,613 "Don't even make an appointment." So I drove out there. 551 00:25:30,697 --> 00:25:32,782 I walk in. There's a woman at a table. 552 00:25:32,865 --> 00:25:35,201 I go, "Hi, excuse me. I'd like to get a vaccine." 553 00:25:35,285 --> 00:25:36,911 She was like, "You would?" 554 00:25:36,995 --> 00:25:38,955 -Like, she had no… -[audience laughing] 555 00:25:39,038 --> 00:25:40,999 She had run out of Tolkien novels to read. 556 00:25:41,082 --> 00:25:44,294 Like, "Yeah. Let me get you set up." Like, "Go stand over there." 557 00:25:47,714 --> 00:25:50,883 While I'm waiting, my friend was right, everyone that walked in, 558 00:25:50,967 --> 00:25:53,511 "Would you like a vaccine?" "No, thank you." 559 00:25:53,595 --> 00:25:56,055 And one guy gave her a, uh… 560 00:25:56,139 --> 00:25:58,057 "[scoffs] Yeah, no thanks." 561 00:25:58,141 --> 00:25:59,267 [audience laughs] 562 00:25:59,809 --> 00:26:03,146 Like, "Yeah, nice try, Deep State. I think I'm gonna, uh…" 563 00:26:03,813 --> 00:26:07,525 "I think I'm gonna stay tracker-free for the time being if that's all right." 564 00:26:07,609 --> 00:26:10,486 "Hang on. Yeah. I'm at the Rite Aid again. Yeah." 565 00:26:10,570 --> 00:26:13,448 "They tried to get a fucking track-- Hang on. I'm losing you." 566 00:26:13,531 --> 00:26:16,576 "There you are. Yeah, no. I'm off the grid, man. That's…" 567 00:26:16,659 --> 00:26:18,286 "Right. I'll call you later." 568 00:26:20,705 --> 00:26:24,459 Got my shot. Got my second shot, then boosted twice. I'm fucking fine. 569 00:26:24,542 --> 00:26:26,294 In 1955, 570 00:26:26,377 --> 00:26:29,505 the polio vaccine came out. 571 00:26:29,589 --> 00:26:30,923 1955. 572 00:26:31,466 --> 00:26:33,384 We were two years away 573 00:26:33,468 --> 00:26:35,762 from satellites. 574 00:26:35,845 --> 00:26:37,847 There were no satellites! 575 00:26:37,930 --> 00:26:40,642 And America could not have been more backward, racist, 576 00:26:40,725 --> 00:26:42,226 homophobic, sexist, 577 00:26:42,310 --> 00:26:46,439 and these non-satellite-having, racist dipshits 578 00:26:46,522 --> 00:26:49,651 lined the fuck up to get their fucking vaccine! 579 00:26:49,734 --> 00:26:52,445 [cheering and applause] 580 00:26:52,528 --> 00:26:53,821 What the fuck! 581 00:26:53,905 --> 00:26:55,573 [cheering and applause continues] 582 00:27:01,287 --> 00:27:05,041 "Give me that shot. I can't police these water fountains from a wheelchair." 583 00:27:05,124 --> 00:27:07,418 [audience laughing] 584 00:27:07,502 --> 00:27:11,339 "I can't beat up queers inside an iron lung! Give me my science!" 585 00:27:12,006 --> 00:27:13,466 "What am I, a caveman?" 586 00:27:14,175 --> 00:27:16,177 [audience laughing] 587 00:27:19,555 --> 00:27:20,390 Now 588 00:27:20,932 --> 00:27:23,726 it's the year 2022, 589 00:27:23,810 --> 00:27:27,355 which, first off, doesn't sound like a real year, does it? 590 00:27:27,438 --> 00:27:30,066 -[audience laughs] -Doesn't that sound made up? 591 00:27:30,149 --> 00:27:33,695 Like you're watching a cheap science-fiction film, "In the year 2022…" 592 00:27:33,778 --> 00:27:36,406 "Oh, you're just throwing numbers together. Jesus!" 593 00:27:36,489 --> 00:27:37,865 "Who wrote this shit?" 594 00:27:37,949 --> 00:27:39,200 [audience laughs] 595 00:27:40,535 --> 00:27:42,286 It's 2022. 596 00:27:42,370 --> 00:27:44,997 We have robots on Mars. 597 00:27:45,081 --> 00:27:47,500 They send us TikTok videos. 598 00:27:47,583 --> 00:27:49,585 [audience laughing] 599 00:27:50,962 --> 00:27:55,800 Half of the country's like, "That needle's got witch poison in it, I tells ya." 600 00:27:55,883 --> 00:27:58,803 "You ain't putting no witch poison in me." 601 00:27:58,886 --> 00:28:00,096 [audience laughing] 602 00:28:01,973 --> 00:28:02,807 [chuckles] 603 00:28:02,890 --> 00:28:04,726 "Keep your wizard jab away from me." 604 00:28:04,809 --> 00:28:07,854 "I got to watch the video that the Mars robot 605 00:28:07,937 --> 00:28:10,773 sent to the world brain I keep it in my pocket." 606 00:28:10,857 --> 00:28:12,859 [audience laughing] 607 00:28:14,193 --> 00:28:16,696 "But keep all that science away from me." 608 00:28:20,283 --> 00:28:22,785 If that attitude had existed in 1955, 609 00:28:22,869 --> 00:28:25,538 the government would have had to do one of those PSAs, 610 00:28:25,621 --> 00:28:29,876 like a little cartoon dancing, hypodermic needle coming out, you know. 611 00:28:29,959 --> 00:28:31,294 [audience laughing] 612 00:28:31,377 --> 00:28:35,423 "Who do I gotta blow to cure polio?" Like little… 613 00:28:35,506 --> 00:28:36,883 [audience laughing] 614 00:28:36,966 --> 00:28:39,469 [cheering and applause] 615 00:28:39,552 --> 00:28:40,428 Yes. 616 00:28:43,139 --> 00:28:46,184 That's right, jabby. Tell everyone about your benefits. 617 00:28:46,267 --> 00:28:47,560 [audience laughs] 618 00:28:47,643 --> 00:28:51,272 "My benefits? Your fucking legs work. How's that for a benefit?" 619 00:28:51,355 --> 00:28:52,565 [audience laughs] 620 00:28:52,648 --> 00:28:54,317 "You medieval shitheads." 621 00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:56,402 [audience laughing] 622 00:29:00,573 --> 00:29:02,533 It's a different world now, man. 623 00:29:02,617 --> 00:29:04,535 It's a different world. Isn't it? 624 00:29:04,619 --> 00:29:08,080 Cruise ships? Oh, you'll never see a cruise ship again. Kiss that goodbye. 625 00:29:08,956 --> 00:29:11,793 Our grandkids won't know what a buffet is. 626 00:29:11,876 --> 00:29:13,753 -Oh. -[audience laughs] 627 00:29:13,836 --> 00:29:15,922 Fuck, Covid changed everything. 628 00:29:16,005 --> 00:29:20,802 First off, every cruise ship is booked up to the year 2026. 629 00:29:20,885 --> 00:29:23,971 People cannot wait to get aboard the plague barge 630 00:29:24,055 --> 00:29:27,058 and sail the bounding main. 631 00:29:28,518 --> 00:29:31,062 "Oh, let me die near a water slide!" 632 00:29:31,145 --> 00:29:33,898 [audience laughing] 633 00:29:36,692 --> 00:29:38,319 Not only are buffets gonna come back, 634 00:29:38,402 --> 00:29:41,614 they're gonna come back with this weird, own-the-libs vengeance. 635 00:29:41,697 --> 00:29:43,449 Every one of them's gonna have an agenda. 636 00:29:43,533 --> 00:29:47,620 "Come on down to Captain Covid's Alpha Males Only buffet!" 637 00:29:47,703 --> 00:29:49,705 [audience laughing] 638 00:29:50,790 --> 00:29:52,708 "You the kind of left-wing soy boy 639 00:29:52,792 --> 00:29:56,045 that needs a sneeze guard over your clam chowder, 640 00:29:56,128 --> 00:29:58,756 or are you able to fuck your wife?" 641 00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:02,635 -"Then come on down to Captain Covid's…" -[audience laughing] 642 00:30:06,597 --> 00:30:08,808 "You show us proof you ain't been vaccinated, 643 00:30:08,891 --> 00:30:11,686 you get a free platter of room-temperature scallops." 644 00:30:11,769 --> 00:30:14,313 [audience laughing] 645 00:30:14,397 --> 00:30:15,398 "That's right." 646 00:30:20,444 --> 00:30:22,321 [chuckles] Oh… 647 00:30:24,073 --> 00:30:27,618 I was listening to '70s on 7 on the way here. 648 00:30:27,702 --> 00:30:30,371 Yeah, on my XM Sirius satellite dial. 649 00:30:30,872 --> 00:30:33,165 You like '70s music? You hit number seven. 650 00:30:33,249 --> 00:30:35,960 All the '70s music you can have, '70s on 7. 651 00:30:36,043 --> 00:30:38,421 You like '80s music? You hit number eight. 652 00:30:38,504 --> 00:30:39,380 [audience laughs] 653 00:30:39,463 --> 00:30:40,506 '80s on 8. 654 00:30:41,007 --> 00:30:44,302 Do you like '90s music? Guess what you hit. Number nine! 655 00:30:44,385 --> 00:30:45,845 [audience laughing] 656 00:30:45,928 --> 00:30:47,430 Do you like '40s music? 657 00:30:47,513 --> 00:30:49,724 Well, you don't hit number four. 658 00:30:50,892 --> 00:30:53,352 You used to, '40s on 4. 659 00:30:53,436 --> 00:30:55,354 Now, channel 71. 660 00:30:55,438 --> 00:30:56,898 '40s Junction. 661 00:30:58,357 --> 00:31:01,319 You like '50s music? Well, it's channel 72. 662 00:31:01,986 --> 00:31:02,945 '50s Gold. 663 00:31:04,071 --> 00:31:05,323 You like '60s music? 664 00:31:05,406 --> 00:31:07,158 Seventy-three, '60s Gold. 665 00:31:07,241 --> 00:31:10,202 Why did those three channels get moved 666 00:31:10,745 --> 00:31:12,163 to the outer rim 667 00:31:13,289 --> 00:31:15,249 of the XM Sirius universe? 668 00:31:15,833 --> 00:31:17,418 I will tell you why. 669 00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:19,587 Their listeners are dying. 670 00:31:19,670 --> 00:31:22,256 [audience laughing] 671 00:31:22,340 --> 00:31:26,177 '40s, '50s, '60s. Those listeners are dropping like… 672 00:31:26,260 --> 00:31:28,930 The fucking '40s channel has five listeners left. 673 00:31:29,013 --> 00:31:30,473 [audience laughing] 674 00:31:30,556 --> 00:31:33,768 Three World War II veterans and a couple of contrarian hipsters. 675 00:31:33,851 --> 00:31:34,852 That's it. 676 00:31:34,936 --> 00:31:36,270 That's all that's left. 677 00:31:37,355 --> 00:31:40,232 "You know who's punk rock? Artie Shaw." Fuck off. 678 00:31:40,316 --> 00:31:42,318 [audience laughing] 679 00:31:45,905 --> 00:31:49,450 And we can laugh and enjoy it, but hey, during our lifetimes, 680 00:31:49,533 --> 00:31:52,745 '70s, '80s, '90s will go marching up the dial. 681 00:31:53,496 --> 00:31:56,332 That's how you can track how the generations are dying, 682 00:31:56,415 --> 00:31:58,626 by where they're putting the stations. 683 00:31:58,709 --> 00:31:59,961 [audience laughing] 684 00:32:00,044 --> 00:32:02,004 Keep the '70s, '80s, '90s easy. 685 00:32:02,088 --> 00:32:03,631 I hope when they do that, 686 00:32:04,215 --> 00:32:08,219 that they take a little time and give some consideration to the names 687 00:32:08,302 --> 00:32:10,262 the way they did for the '40s channel, 688 00:32:10,763 --> 00:32:14,183 '40s Junction, train station, evocative. 689 00:32:14,266 --> 00:32:17,228 I get it. Picture in my head. And then they just gave up. 690 00:32:18,104 --> 00:32:20,856 '50s Gold, '60s… Ah, who care… What? 691 00:32:21,524 --> 00:32:23,776 You couldn't do "Poodle Skirts and Milkshakes"? 692 00:32:23,859 --> 00:32:27,905 You couldn't do "Patchouli Oil and Love Beads," or whatever? 693 00:32:27,989 --> 00:32:30,533 [audience laughing] 694 00:32:30,616 --> 00:32:35,538 Give the '70s channel a name emblematic of the decade. 695 00:32:35,621 --> 00:32:37,999 You know, "Your Mother and I Are Separating Radio." 696 00:32:38,082 --> 00:32:41,752 -How about that? That's good. Sure. -[audience laughing] 697 00:32:41,836 --> 00:32:42,670 Yeah. 698 00:32:43,796 --> 00:32:46,590 "Giant Candles Everywhere For Some Reason Tunes." 699 00:32:46,674 --> 00:32:48,676 [audience laughing] 700 00:32:50,553 --> 00:32:52,847 The '80s could be "Trapper Keeper Tunes." 701 00:32:52,930 --> 00:32:54,932 [audience cheering and applauding] 702 00:32:57,226 --> 00:33:00,271 And then the '90s channel could just be… [groans] 703 00:33:00,354 --> 00:33:02,273 [audience laughing] 704 00:33:02,356 --> 00:33:03,607 [groaning] I don't know… 705 00:33:04,817 --> 00:33:08,487 That was Abra Moore's "Four-Leaf Clover" on… [groans] 706 00:33:08,571 --> 00:33:09,822 [audience laughing] 707 00:33:09,905 --> 00:33:11,282 [groans] 708 00:33:11,365 --> 00:33:13,367 [audience laughing] 709 00:33:14,243 --> 00:33:16,245 Hi. Do you live here in Denver, ma'am? 710 00:33:16,328 --> 00:33:19,665 -I live in Colorado Springs. -[Patton] You live in Colorado Springs? 711 00:33:19,749 --> 00:33:22,460 -Nice. Thank you for making the drive. -[woman] No problem. 712 00:33:22,543 --> 00:33:23,586 Okay. What do you… 713 00:33:23,669 --> 00:33:27,298 [laughing] Okay, glad I got that straight. It wasn't a problem. 714 00:33:27,381 --> 00:33:30,509 Thank God. Okay. Guys, it wasn't a problem. It's cool. 715 00:33:30,593 --> 00:33:32,344 [audience laughing] 716 00:33:32,428 --> 00:33:33,804 [Patton chuckles] 717 00:33:34,388 --> 00:33:36,057 Do you work in Colorado Springs? 718 00:33:36,140 --> 00:33:37,933 -What do you do? -I'm a doctor. 719 00:33:38,017 --> 00:33:39,101 [Patton] You're a doctor. 720 00:33:39,185 --> 00:33:41,562 Oh my God, a brainiac. All right, um… 721 00:33:41,645 --> 00:33:43,689 What kind of medicine do you practice? 722 00:33:43,773 --> 00:33:45,483 I'm a pediatric neurologist. 723 00:33:45,566 --> 00:33:47,943 Pediatric neurologist. 724 00:33:48,027 --> 00:33:50,154 -Oh my God! -[audience cheering] 725 00:33:50,237 --> 00:33:51,322 You're like… 726 00:33:51,405 --> 00:33:53,407 [cheering and applause] 727 00:33:54,366 --> 00:33:58,037 You are serving your community. You are helping children. 728 00:33:58,120 --> 00:34:03,417 You have a positive job that you have a positive attitude towards. 729 00:34:03,501 --> 00:34:07,171 This is comedy death. I need to get off of you right now. 730 00:34:07,254 --> 00:34:09,048 There's nothing here. 731 00:34:09,131 --> 00:34:10,257 [audience laughing] 732 00:34:10,341 --> 00:34:14,011 I need to talk to a meth cook or a divorcee. This is… 733 00:34:14,095 --> 00:34:15,012 [audience laughs] 734 00:34:15,096 --> 00:34:16,514 "I help children live." 735 00:34:16,597 --> 00:34:17,431 [sliding beep] 736 00:34:17,515 --> 00:34:19,683 -All right. Shit. -[audience laughing] 737 00:34:22,770 --> 00:34:26,732 Is this, uh… Are you with her? You guys together? Is this the hubby? 738 00:34:26,816 --> 00:34:29,110 -The husband. -The husband. What do you do, sir? 739 00:34:29,193 --> 00:34:31,445 -I'm a lawyer. -[Patton] You're a lawyer? 740 00:34:31,529 --> 00:34:33,072 -Ah… -[audience laughing] 741 00:34:33,155 --> 00:34:35,533 -[kisses] Finally. -[audience laughing] 742 00:34:35,616 --> 00:34:37,368 Some evil. 743 00:34:37,451 --> 00:34:39,453 [audience laughing and applauding] 744 00:34:40,955 --> 00:34:44,708 Oh God, if it's some kind of positive community outreach law, I'm gonna fucking… 745 00:34:45,209 --> 00:34:47,253 What kind of law do you practice, sir? 746 00:34:47,336 --> 00:34:50,714 I prosecute juvenile sex crimes. 747 00:34:50,798 --> 00:34:53,259 You prosecute juvenile sex offenders. 748 00:34:54,009 --> 00:34:55,052 Well… 749 00:34:55,136 --> 00:34:57,138 [audience laughing] 750 00:35:06,021 --> 00:35:08,566 When you say juvenile sex offenders, 751 00:35:09,150 --> 00:35:12,528 do you mean people who commit sex offenses against juveniles, 752 00:35:12,611 --> 00:35:14,822 or juveniles who are sex offenders? 753 00:35:14,905 --> 00:35:16,490 Juveniles who are sex offenders. 754 00:35:16,574 --> 00:35:20,953 Juveniles who are sex offenders. Gotta be very careful with the phrasing. 755 00:35:21,954 --> 00:35:24,582 And when you say… And then what happens? Like, they get… 756 00:35:24,665 --> 00:35:26,333 Why am I…? What is this, a…? I gotta… 757 00:35:26,834 --> 00:35:29,086 Me sitting down was good for that one laugh. 758 00:35:29,170 --> 00:35:32,298 I'm not gonna do the rest of my show like, "So what do you do?" 759 00:35:32,381 --> 00:35:34,508 [audience laughing] 760 00:35:34,592 --> 00:35:36,093 What the hell am I doing? 761 00:35:36,177 --> 00:35:38,304 [applause] 762 00:35:39,597 --> 00:35:42,558 You are prosecuting the juvenile sex offenders. 763 00:35:42,641 --> 00:35:43,767 Okay. 764 00:35:43,851 --> 00:35:46,562 And you are a neurological pediatrician. 765 00:35:46,645 --> 00:35:50,941 So a kid whose brain maybe isn't working correctly, you help fix it. 766 00:35:51,984 --> 00:35:55,029 And the ones you can't fix, he puts away, right? 767 00:35:55,112 --> 00:35:56,822 -Is that how… -[audience laughing] 768 00:35:56,906 --> 00:35:58,574 -There we go. -[audience laughing] 769 00:35:58,657 --> 00:36:00,910 There's your next Marvel team-up. All right. 770 00:36:00,993 --> 00:36:02,745 So… [laughs] 771 00:36:02,828 --> 00:36:04,830 [audience laughing] 772 00:36:07,541 --> 00:36:09,752 That was cute and dark 773 00:36:09,835 --> 00:36:12,004 at the same time. 774 00:36:12,087 --> 00:36:13,297 Rare to find that. 775 00:36:13,964 --> 00:36:16,592 It's like a goth girl holding a kitten. All right. 776 00:36:16,675 --> 00:36:18,677 [audience laughing] 777 00:36:19,303 --> 00:36:21,180 How about you? Do you live here in Denver? 778 00:36:21,263 --> 00:36:23,849 -[man] I do. -You do? What do you do in Denver? 779 00:36:23,933 --> 00:36:26,101 Uh, I work in a bar and I'm a student. 780 00:36:26,185 --> 00:36:28,562 You work in a bar and you're a student. 781 00:36:28,646 --> 00:36:31,815 Oh, it's a 1980s Tom Hanks movie. All right. 782 00:36:31,899 --> 00:36:33,692 -So… -[audience laughing] 783 00:36:33,776 --> 00:36:36,528 -What are you studying right now? -Uh, cybersecurity. 784 00:36:36,612 --> 00:36:38,155 Cybersecurity. 785 00:36:38,239 --> 00:36:42,284 And then, by day, he patrols the Internet. 786 00:36:43,285 --> 00:36:47,665 At night, it's Slippery Nipples for secretaries, right? 787 00:36:47,748 --> 00:36:49,124 [audience laughing] 788 00:36:49,708 --> 00:36:51,543 What, uh… So you're a bartender, 789 00:36:51,627 --> 00:36:55,506 and so do you want to eventually work in cybersecurity? Obviously. 790 00:36:55,589 --> 00:36:58,467 -[man] Yeah. -And the bartending's paying the bills. 791 00:36:59,301 --> 00:37:01,220 Paying for you to learn. What is the… 792 00:37:01,303 --> 00:37:03,555 What's the scariest thing you've learned so far 793 00:37:03,639 --> 00:37:05,057 in terms of cybersecurity? 794 00:37:05,140 --> 00:37:07,643 How close are we to some huge hack attack 795 00:37:07,726 --> 00:37:09,687 where suddenly the ATMs don't work 796 00:37:09,770 --> 00:37:12,648 and all of our porn searches are on the internet? 797 00:37:12,731 --> 00:37:13,857 When does that happen? 798 00:37:13,941 --> 00:37:15,276 [audience laughs] 799 00:37:15,359 --> 00:37:16,235 Um… 800 00:37:16,986 --> 00:37:19,989 -Pretty much nothing is private. -[Patton] Pretty much nothing is private. 801 00:37:20,072 --> 00:37:22,491 Well, we all know that at this point. That's not… 802 00:37:23,158 --> 00:37:26,328 Oh my God, have you ever… Okay, when you were growing up, 803 00:37:26,412 --> 00:37:29,790 was there, like, some asshole that bullied you or was really shitty, 804 00:37:29,873 --> 00:37:32,251 and now that you're learning your cybersecurity skills, 805 00:37:32,334 --> 00:37:34,753 you could go digging into this person's life 806 00:37:34,837 --> 00:37:38,257 and just dis-fucking-mantle it if you wanted to? 807 00:37:38,340 --> 00:37:39,383 [audience laughing] 808 00:37:39,466 --> 00:37:42,261 Has that temptation ever crossed your head? 809 00:37:43,095 --> 00:37:44,596 -Pretty frequently. -Have you… Oh! 810 00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:48,017 Have you done searches of old bullies' names and stuff like that? 811 00:37:48,100 --> 00:37:49,893 I've… I've chosen not to. 812 00:37:49,977 --> 00:37:52,688 -You've chosen not to. -[audience laughs] 813 00:37:52,771 --> 00:37:54,857 That is a very lawyerly response. 814 00:37:54,940 --> 00:37:57,192 -That was… Did you catch that? -[audience laughing] 815 00:37:57,276 --> 00:37:58,402 Oh, man. 816 00:38:00,237 --> 00:38:02,698 Is this the wife or girlfriend? 817 00:38:02,781 --> 00:38:04,241 -Uh, yes. -[Patton] Which one? 818 00:38:04,325 --> 00:38:05,284 [laughter] 819 00:38:05,367 --> 00:38:07,494 -Girlfriend. -[Patton] Girlfriend! Oh! 820 00:38:07,578 --> 00:38:08,746 And what do you do? 821 00:38:09,246 --> 00:38:11,415 -I'm an educator. -[Patton] You're an educator. 822 00:38:11,498 --> 00:38:13,042 And what do you… Thank you. 823 00:38:13,125 --> 00:38:15,252 [cheering and applause] 824 00:38:15,336 --> 00:38:16,170 Wow. 825 00:38:18,505 --> 00:38:21,717 What, uh… What do you… What areas do you educate in? 826 00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:25,095 I help high schoolers, um, access free college credit. 827 00:38:25,179 --> 00:38:28,098 Help high schoolers access free college credit. 828 00:38:28,182 --> 00:38:29,558 Does the… That's cool. 829 00:38:29,641 --> 00:38:30,851 Does the, um… 830 00:38:30,934 --> 00:38:34,605 Does the sleeve tattoo help break the ice when they're like, "She's cool"? 831 00:38:34,688 --> 00:38:36,315 -"She's all right." -Yep. 832 00:38:36,398 --> 00:38:38,609 -That must help. -[woman] It does, yeah. 833 00:38:38,692 --> 00:38:40,986 Do you go in with the sleeve tattoo visible? 834 00:38:41,070 --> 00:38:43,822 -Or do they make you wear a long sleeve? -I bust it all out. 835 00:38:43,906 --> 00:38:46,283 [Patton] You bust it all out, sit there… 836 00:38:46,367 --> 00:38:48,243 "Let's get you some fucking credit 837 00:38:48,327 --> 00:38:52,206 while you look at The Gashlycrumb Tinies right there, man. There you go." 838 00:38:53,665 --> 00:38:56,085 You got some ink too. How long you been going out? 839 00:38:56,835 --> 00:38:58,754 -Three years. -Four. Three or four years. 840 00:38:58,837 --> 00:39:00,297 Three or four years. 841 00:39:00,381 --> 00:39:01,757 -[audience laughing] -Mmm. 842 00:39:02,466 --> 00:39:05,219 Some cybersecurity, if you know what I'm saying. 843 00:39:05,302 --> 00:39:07,763 Ah, come on, people. Um… 844 00:39:07,846 --> 00:39:08,931 [audience laughing] 845 00:39:09,014 --> 00:39:10,599 Are you… Do you live together? 846 00:39:11,266 --> 00:39:12,351 Oh, nice! 847 00:39:12,434 --> 00:39:15,145 Are you gonna… She looks awesome in… 848 00:39:15,229 --> 00:39:19,233 And then he can get you, like, free credit card shit and everything. 849 00:39:19,316 --> 00:39:21,068 -I mean, come on. -[audience laughs] 850 00:39:21,151 --> 00:39:23,654 It's a match made in heaven. Make it happen. 851 00:39:24,154 --> 00:39:28,367 Couldn't he use his cybersecurity to get kids free college credit? 852 00:39:28,450 --> 00:39:30,577 Change their grades, get them into Harvard. 853 00:39:30,661 --> 00:39:32,996 There's another fucking team-up. All right. 854 00:39:33,080 --> 00:39:34,873 [audience cheering and applauding] 855 00:39:34,957 --> 00:39:37,376 I have two superhero teams in the front row. 856 00:39:39,461 --> 00:39:40,754 Oh, hello sir. 857 00:39:40,838 --> 00:39:43,549 [audience laughing] 858 00:39:43,632 --> 00:39:46,301 Shorts in the front row. Ballsy. 859 00:39:46,385 --> 00:39:48,804 [audience laughing] 860 00:39:48,887 --> 00:39:52,558 That's it. You have way more self-confidence than I will ever have. 861 00:39:53,434 --> 00:39:54,726 Do you live here in Denver? 862 00:39:54,810 --> 00:39:56,728 -I do. -[Patton] And what do you do in Denver? 863 00:39:56,812 --> 00:39:58,397 I work in Boulder, actually. 864 00:39:58,480 --> 00:40:01,692 You work in Boulder. Live in Denver, work in Boulder. 865 00:40:01,775 --> 00:40:03,068 What do you do in Boulder? 866 00:40:03,152 --> 00:40:04,528 I work for a grocery store. 867 00:40:04,611 --> 00:40:06,697 You work for a grocery store. 868 00:40:07,531 --> 00:40:09,825 With that facial hair? They're cool with that or…? 869 00:40:09,908 --> 00:40:11,618 [laughter] 870 00:40:11,702 --> 00:40:13,996 What… I'm not gonna ask what grocery store. That's weird. 871 00:40:14,079 --> 00:40:15,414 [man] I bet you can figure it out. 872 00:40:15,497 --> 00:40:19,835 Probably could. Hang on. What is your specific job at the grocery store? 873 00:40:19,918 --> 00:40:20,878 I'm a manager. 874 00:40:20,961 --> 00:40:23,005 You're a manager at the grocery store. 875 00:40:23,088 --> 00:40:25,799 Do you manage the whole store or one department? 876 00:40:25,883 --> 00:40:26,800 Um… 877 00:40:28,218 --> 00:40:29,052 Yeah. 878 00:40:29,136 --> 00:40:30,804 [audience laughing] 879 00:40:31,638 --> 00:40:33,599 -Yeah, part of it. Yeah. -Part of it. 880 00:40:34,099 --> 00:40:36,351 The liquor section? What part do you, um…? 881 00:40:36,435 --> 00:40:38,395 [audience laughing] 882 00:40:38,479 --> 00:40:39,938 You seem amazed 883 00:40:40,022 --> 00:40:43,066 at hearing that you're working at a grocery store coming out of you. 884 00:40:43,150 --> 00:40:45,527 "I work at a grocery store! I…" 885 00:40:45,611 --> 00:40:48,363 -[audience laughing] -[Patton chuckling] 886 00:40:51,074 --> 00:40:54,036 And, uh, who are you here with? Is this your friend? 887 00:40:54,119 --> 00:40:56,747 There's your friend. And where do you work? 888 00:40:56,830 --> 00:40:59,583 -Uh, I work from home. -You work from home. 889 00:40:59,666 --> 00:41:01,502 -[man] In sales. -In sales. 890 00:41:01,585 --> 00:41:03,921 -I sell light bulbs. -[Patton] You sell light bulbs. 891 00:41:04,004 --> 00:41:08,383 Are you asking me? You seem to be like, "I sell light…" 892 00:41:08,467 --> 00:41:11,178 You're answering my questions like I'm a homicide cop. 893 00:41:11,261 --> 00:41:13,388 You're like, "I-I sell light bulbs?" 894 00:41:13,472 --> 00:41:15,432 -Like, it's not… -[audience laughing] 895 00:41:15,516 --> 00:41:17,559 You sell light bulbs from your home. 896 00:41:18,477 --> 00:41:20,145 I'm a lighting salesman. 897 00:41:20,229 --> 00:41:23,398 You're a lighting salesman, so you stay in your house. 898 00:41:23,482 --> 00:41:26,693 You call people up or get on the internet with them? 899 00:41:26,777 --> 00:41:28,946 -On the internet. -On the internet. 900 00:41:29,029 --> 00:41:31,323 -And you try to sell them light bulbs. -Absolutely. 901 00:41:31,406 --> 00:41:33,158 Individuals or corporations? 902 00:41:33,242 --> 00:41:34,743 -Both. -[Patton] Both. 903 00:41:34,826 --> 00:41:37,287 -That's so fucking weird. -[audience laughs] 904 00:41:37,371 --> 00:41:39,206 I just… I don't know how… 905 00:41:40,707 --> 00:41:43,794 So you get on Zoom calls with them, and go, "Really quick, 906 00:41:43,877 --> 00:41:45,212 turn on all your lights." 907 00:41:45,295 --> 00:41:47,464 -[audience laughing] -"It's pretty shitty, huh?" 908 00:41:47,548 --> 00:41:50,926 "Well, I've got a solution for you." [laughing] 909 00:41:51,009 --> 00:41:53,011 [audience laughing] 910 00:41:54,638 --> 00:41:55,931 You're not far. 911 00:41:56,014 --> 00:41:57,975 That's so fucking interesting. 912 00:41:58,058 --> 00:42:01,478 Okay. You two are delightful, and you are not a superhero team. 913 00:42:01,562 --> 00:42:02,938 -I'm sorry. -[audience laughs] 914 00:42:03,021 --> 00:42:05,357 That is… I don't know what the hell you are. 915 00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:09,903 There's a guy who works at a Trader… Doesn't quite know what he does there. 916 00:42:09,987 --> 00:42:13,865 Another guy gets on Zoom calls and sells light bulbs. 917 00:42:15,659 --> 00:42:19,371 I think you have a weird OnlyFans. You're just covering for it now. 918 00:42:19,454 --> 00:42:23,208 You don't really sell light bulbs. 919 00:42:23,292 --> 00:42:27,087 -[man] It's the DC Universe. -Oh, DC Universe. Very… Oh… 920 00:42:28,088 --> 00:42:30,340 I'll do the nerd shit, my friend. All right. 921 00:42:30,424 --> 00:42:31,967 [audience laughing] 922 00:42:32,050 --> 00:42:33,343 Don't you dare! 923 00:42:33,427 --> 00:42:35,470 [audience laughing] 924 00:42:37,472 --> 00:42:39,975 That was a fun front row. Give them a round of applause. 925 00:42:40,058 --> 00:42:41,435 Thank you, guys. Wow. 926 00:42:41,518 --> 00:42:43,520 [cheering and applause] 927 00:42:47,733 --> 00:42:49,234 I love the flow of that. 928 00:42:49,318 --> 00:42:52,779 You know, doctor, lawyer, cybersecurity, educator, 929 00:42:52,863 --> 00:42:57,409 sort of groceries, light bulbs, I guess. I don't know. 930 00:42:57,492 --> 00:42:58,702 [groans] 931 00:42:58,785 --> 00:42:59,828 [audience laughing] 932 00:43:01,204 --> 00:43:02,623 Perfectly paced. 933 00:43:02,706 --> 00:43:03,874 [kisses] 934 00:43:03,957 --> 00:43:05,959 [audience laughing] 935 00:43:09,755 --> 00:43:10,672 [sighs] 936 00:43:10,756 --> 00:43:13,008 You know what doesn't age well? Woke. 937 00:43:13,091 --> 00:43:14,176 [audience laughs] 938 00:43:14,259 --> 00:43:15,344 It really doesn't. 939 00:43:15,927 --> 00:43:17,679 I'm woke, I think. 940 00:43:18,347 --> 00:43:20,807 But you know what? I won't be someday, 941 00:43:20,891 --> 00:43:22,267 and so will all of you. 942 00:43:22,351 --> 00:43:23,518 [audience laughs] 943 00:43:23,602 --> 00:43:26,938 Be woke. Be open-minded. Just don't pat yourself on the back, 944 00:43:27,022 --> 00:43:28,690 'cause it'll bite you in the ass. 945 00:43:29,274 --> 00:43:31,276 Everyone getting cancelled now for not being woke 946 00:43:31,360 --> 00:43:34,363 was woke about something, they just couldn't keep up with progress. 947 00:43:34,446 --> 00:43:37,282 Progress will always fucking steamroller you. 948 00:43:37,366 --> 00:43:42,287 I'm very pro-trans, very pro-gay marriage, gay rights, and pro-abor-- 949 00:43:42,371 --> 00:43:45,082 -No, no, no. No. No. -[cheering and applause] 950 00:43:45,165 --> 00:43:46,667 That's not… What I'm saying is 951 00:43:46,750 --> 00:43:48,960 that is going to blow up in my face someday. 952 00:43:49,628 --> 00:43:51,213 I'll be doing comedy when I'm 70, 953 00:43:51,296 --> 00:43:54,174 and I will let slip something that I won't be able to keep up with. 954 00:43:54,257 --> 00:43:57,177 I'll be like, "I don't think people should fuck their clones." 955 00:43:57,260 --> 00:43:59,471 "Boo!" There'll be some weird, like… 956 00:43:59,554 --> 00:44:01,556 [audience laughing] 957 00:44:02,766 --> 00:44:04,643 "No wait, I'm pro-trans." 958 00:44:04,726 --> 00:44:06,561 "Fuck you, clone hater!" 959 00:44:06,645 --> 00:44:07,938 [audience laughing] 960 00:44:08,021 --> 00:44:09,690 "No, I'm totally progressive!" 961 00:44:10,732 --> 00:44:13,568 #Stopclonehate, then I gotta… 962 00:44:13,652 --> 00:44:14,986 Then I'll double down. 963 00:44:15,529 --> 00:44:17,989 "When I grew up, you didn't jerk off in a test tube 964 00:44:18,073 --> 00:44:21,993 and fuck whatever came out of it! If that makes me the bad guy, I'm sorry!" 965 00:44:22,077 --> 00:44:23,912 -[audience laughing] -"Boo!" 966 00:44:28,041 --> 00:44:29,418 [Patton chuckles] 967 00:44:31,461 --> 00:44:33,630 By the way, that's how you know if you're a… 968 00:44:33,714 --> 00:44:35,841 uh, if you're an oppressed minority, 969 00:44:35,924 --> 00:44:40,262 or, you know, a fringe group that used to be shit on, 970 00:44:40,345 --> 00:44:42,431 and now you know that you've made it 971 00:44:42,514 --> 00:44:45,934 when straight, white people start asking you if jokes are okay. 972 00:44:46,476 --> 00:44:49,396 That's when you know… The trans community really broke through 973 00:44:49,479 --> 00:44:52,441 because all of a sudden, straight, white people'll be like, "Is this okay?" 974 00:44:52,524 --> 00:44:55,026 "Does this joke work? Is that okay?" 975 00:44:55,110 --> 00:44:56,153 You know. 976 00:44:56,236 --> 00:44:59,364 But either way, that means in the future, 977 00:44:59,448 --> 00:45:01,450 straight, white people are gonna be the minority, 978 00:45:01,950 --> 00:45:03,702 then they're gonna have assholes like, 979 00:45:03,785 --> 00:45:06,872 "Hey, I'm doing a joke about a straight, white dude, and, um, 980 00:45:07,539 --> 00:45:10,584 I have him bowling. Is that okay? You guys bowl, right? Like that's…" 981 00:45:10,667 --> 00:45:12,794 -[audience laughing] -"It's not offensive?" 982 00:45:14,296 --> 00:45:17,799 "He's listening to Limp Bizkit, 'ironically,' okay?" 983 00:45:17,883 --> 00:45:21,094 -[audience laughing] -"It's ironic. I'm doing it ironically." 984 00:45:22,888 --> 00:45:24,055 [Patton chuckles] 985 00:45:25,974 --> 00:45:29,186 Goddamn, these last six years. Holy shit. 986 00:45:29,811 --> 00:45:33,482 I was in such a panic in 2016, then all the subsequent years, 987 00:45:33,565 --> 00:45:37,194 "What the hell's going on? Oh my God. Is America coming to an end?" 988 00:45:37,277 --> 00:45:38,612 No. You know what? 989 00:45:39,112 --> 00:45:41,448 It isn't. It's bad right now, 990 00:45:41,990 --> 00:45:45,327 but everything that's happening is supposed to be happening right now. 991 00:45:45,410 --> 00:45:47,078 Do you know what 2016 was? 992 00:45:47,579 --> 00:45:50,832 It was the boomers' last temper tantrum. 993 00:45:50,916 --> 00:45:51,875 [audience cheering] 994 00:45:51,958 --> 00:45:54,294 -That's what that was. -[cheering and applause] 995 00:45:54,377 --> 00:45:57,881 The boomers' last temper tantrum. 996 00:45:58,632 --> 00:46:01,092 Every time a generation gets old, 997 00:46:01,176 --> 00:46:03,845 they panic because death is scary and gross, 998 00:46:04,638 --> 00:46:07,557 and they put someone shitty in the White House before they go. 999 00:46:08,058 --> 00:46:11,186 This has happened before. The greatest generation… 1000 00:46:11,269 --> 00:46:14,689 The greatest generation, oh my God, fought the Nazis, 1001 00:46:14,773 --> 00:46:18,610 saved the world from tyranny, came back, built the suburbs, 1002 00:46:18,693 --> 00:46:22,364 raised the baby boomers, then they started getting old. 1003 00:46:22,447 --> 00:46:25,367 Hair turned gray, dick didn't work anymore, 1004 00:46:26,159 --> 00:46:28,245 hemorrhoids and hysterectomies. 1005 00:46:28,954 --> 00:46:30,080 They panicked. 1006 00:46:30,163 --> 00:46:31,790 Now it's the late '70s. 1007 00:46:31,873 --> 00:46:34,417 Punk music, they don't know what's going on. "Fuck this." 1008 00:46:34,501 --> 00:46:37,712 "Put the old cowboy movie actor in the White House. Yeah, fuck you!" 1009 00:46:38,213 --> 00:46:40,048 "I was here, goddamn it!" 1010 00:46:40,131 --> 00:46:42,133 [applause] 1011 00:46:44,094 --> 00:46:46,763 Then the baby boomers grew up. Think of the baby boomers. 1012 00:46:46,847 --> 00:46:50,559 They were on the cutting edge of sex, rock and roll, rebellion… 1013 00:46:50,642 --> 00:46:54,729 They owned youth, and then they got fucking old. 1014 00:46:54,813 --> 00:46:56,857 [audience laughing] 1015 00:46:56,940 --> 00:46:59,943 And their hair got gray, and their dick stopped working, 1016 00:47:00,026 --> 00:47:01,611 hemorrhoids and hysterectomies, 1017 00:47:01,695 --> 00:47:05,907 fucking Gen X and Gen Z making fun of them on Twitter and TikTok. 1018 00:47:05,991 --> 00:47:08,326 All this hip-hop music they don't understand. 1019 00:47:08,410 --> 00:47:11,872 Now they're, "Oh my God, I'm about to die. What the fuck is going on?" 1020 00:47:11,955 --> 00:47:15,333 "Put the racist game show host in the White House. Yeah, fuck you!" 1021 00:47:16,001 --> 00:47:17,127 "I was here!" 1022 00:47:17,210 --> 00:47:19,212 [laughter and applause] 1023 00:47:22,424 --> 00:47:23,633 I'm Gen X. 1024 00:47:24,217 --> 00:47:29,222 Well, our temper tantrum is going to be beyond ugly. 1025 00:47:29,306 --> 00:47:31,558 [audience laughing] 1026 00:47:31,641 --> 00:47:34,978 When we start getting old, our dicks stop working, our hair goes gray, 1027 00:47:35,061 --> 00:47:37,522 God knows who we're gonna put in the White House. 1028 00:47:38,315 --> 00:47:41,693 It's gonna be either Eddie Vedder or Janeane Garofalo. One of those two. 1029 00:47:41,776 --> 00:47:42,777 I don't know. 1030 00:47:42,861 --> 00:47:44,029 [cheering and applause] 1031 00:47:44,112 --> 00:47:44,988 Look. 1032 00:47:45,906 --> 00:47:47,616 I love those guys. 1033 00:47:49,075 --> 00:47:52,162 -Janeane would be a horrible president. -[audience laughs] 1034 00:47:52,245 --> 00:47:56,541 I've known her since the '90s. I love her. She would tell you that herself. 1035 00:47:57,542 --> 00:48:00,003 Janeane, you should be president. "I'm not doing that shit." 1036 00:48:00,503 --> 00:48:02,881 Oh my God, wait a minute. That's how she'll win. 1037 00:48:02,964 --> 00:48:04,299 [audience laughs] 1038 00:48:04,382 --> 00:48:08,428 Think of how Gen X thinks. Like, "That's exactly the attitude we need." 1039 00:48:08,511 --> 00:48:10,347 -[audience laughs] -That's perfect. 1040 00:48:11,264 --> 00:48:14,184 "No, I'm serious. I'm not doing it." Yeah, we know, yes. 1041 00:48:14,267 --> 00:48:16,311 [audience laughing] 1042 00:48:16,394 --> 00:48:18,855 She'll blow off a debate. She won't campaign. 1043 00:48:19,522 --> 00:48:21,983 She won't show up to her own inauguration. 1044 00:48:22,067 --> 00:48:24,069 Yes, that'll be awesome. 1045 00:48:25,070 --> 00:48:28,531 We'll love her even more. CNN will have a ticker on the bottom of the screen, 1046 00:48:28,615 --> 00:48:31,993 like, "Day 312 of the president not showing up." 1047 00:48:32,077 --> 00:48:34,079 [audience laughing] 1048 00:48:34,871 --> 00:48:38,458 It'll cut to her in some coffee shop. "I told you I wasn't gonna run." 1049 00:48:38,541 --> 00:48:40,543 [audience laughing] 1050 00:48:43,421 --> 00:48:44,589 And then we'll die, 1051 00:48:45,799 --> 00:48:49,052 and we won't be here to see what Gen Z puts in the White House. 1052 00:48:49,678 --> 00:48:50,971 President Logan Paul. 1053 00:48:51,513 --> 00:48:53,974 -I don't… Look. I don't know. -[audience groaning] 1054 00:48:55,058 --> 00:48:56,393 President Joe Rogan. 1055 00:48:56,476 --> 00:48:57,519 [audience groaning] 1056 00:48:57,602 --> 00:48:58,687 He would… 1057 00:48:58,770 --> 00:49:01,022 People, listen to me. I've also… 1058 00:49:01,106 --> 00:49:03,149 I've known Joe since the '90s. 1059 00:49:03,233 --> 00:49:04,693 He is a sweet guy. 1060 00:49:04,776 --> 00:49:07,028 He has gone off the rails. You know why? 1061 00:49:07,112 --> 00:49:09,572 'Cause someone gave him a hundred million dollars. 1062 00:49:09,656 --> 00:49:10,782 [audience laughs] 1063 00:49:10,865 --> 00:49:14,119 That would drive anybody… He's actually handling it better than I would. 1064 00:49:14,619 --> 00:49:15,495 [audience laughs] 1065 00:49:15,578 --> 00:49:18,623 If I had a fucking podcast about knitting 1066 00:49:18,707 --> 00:49:23,086 and someone gave me a hundred million, I would fuck yarn on my podcast! 1067 00:49:23,169 --> 00:49:25,171 [audience laughing] 1068 00:49:28,091 --> 00:49:31,845 And Joe would be like, "Patton went fucking nuts. Oh my God." 1069 00:49:33,722 --> 00:49:34,764 [Patton chuckles] 1070 00:49:38,226 --> 00:49:41,104 Aging isn't bad if you don't take it personally. 1071 00:49:41,187 --> 00:49:42,856 That's the key, you know. 1072 00:49:42,939 --> 00:49:44,065 Treat it like it's a… 1073 00:49:44,149 --> 00:49:46,151 Pretend you're Jeff Goldblum in The Fly, 1074 00:49:46,234 --> 00:49:49,654 and you're watching all this weird shit happen. You're like, "Oh my!" 1075 00:49:49,738 --> 00:49:54,075 Get a leather-bound notebook. Take notes, you know, late at night, like… 1076 00:49:54,159 --> 00:49:56,995 "Oh. My farts smell like old books." 1077 00:49:57,078 --> 00:49:58,997 -"That's… Hmm." -[audience laughing] 1078 00:49:59,080 --> 00:50:01,041 "But I'm not eating old books. This…" 1079 00:50:01,666 --> 00:50:03,752 "This calls for further examination." 1080 00:50:03,835 --> 00:50:05,837 [audience laughing] 1081 00:50:07,881 --> 00:50:12,052 "Day 17. Takes longer to stop peeing than it does to pee." 1082 00:50:12,135 --> 00:50:14,137 [audience laughing] 1083 00:50:22,020 --> 00:50:23,480 It's coming for all of us. 1084 00:50:25,607 --> 00:50:27,901 I'm gonna leave you with this story about my, uh… 1085 00:50:27,984 --> 00:50:30,487 Another breakdown that I had. 1086 00:50:30,570 --> 00:50:33,740 Foot, all of it, it's all coming apart. But you know what? 1087 00:50:34,491 --> 00:50:36,826 We're living in the 21st century and it's okay. 1088 00:50:37,327 --> 00:50:38,703 Always keep that in mind. 1089 00:50:38,787 --> 00:50:42,373 Last year, last November, I had to have some 1090 00:50:42,874 --> 00:50:45,043 minor surgery, right? 1091 00:50:45,126 --> 00:50:48,797 And I'm gonna tell you the story. I'm gonna use a little AP English zhoosh 1092 00:50:49,380 --> 00:50:52,300 to keep it from being horrifying, 'cause it is. 1093 00:50:53,468 --> 00:50:56,888 I had to have some minor surgery, the kind of surgery that, 1094 00:50:57,680 --> 00:50:58,932 um, I'll put it this way, 1095 00:50:59,015 --> 00:51:02,393 men my age who sit down a lot have to have. 1096 00:51:03,228 --> 00:51:04,437 See where I'm going? 1097 00:51:06,147 --> 00:51:09,526 So… And I'm worried. Still Covid. "Oh my God, what if I get an infection?" 1098 00:51:09,609 --> 00:51:12,362 But I forgot I live in the 21st century. 1099 00:51:12,862 --> 00:51:15,782 I have all these advantages in the plus column. 1100 00:51:16,699 --> 00:51:20,328 On the day of the operation, I summoned a car with my phone. 1101 00:51:20,829 --> 00:51:23,790 The car came. The guy was masked. I was masked. 1102 00:51:23,873 --> 00:51:26,042 Car was clean, took me to the hospital. 1103 00:51:26,126 --> 00:51:29,587 Doctor met me, showed me all the cleanliness protocols they had. 1104 00:51:29,671 --> 00:51:31,631 He said, "This surgery, we've refined it." 1105 00:51:31,714 --> 00:51:34,300 "It only takes an hour. You'll be out for an hour." 1106 00:51:34,384 --> 00:51:35,802 "You'll go home today." 1107 00:51:36,344 --> 00:51:39,556 He put me under. I wake up an hour later. Oh my God, I'm fine. 1108 00:51:39,639 --> 00:51:40,765 He goes, "You are fine." 1109 00:51:40,849 --> 00:51:44,644 "Here are some cutting-edge painkillers to help you with your recovery." 1110 00:51:44,727 --> 00:51:46,146 "You won't feel a thing." 1111 00:51:46,229 --> 00:51:49,232 "Now take out your phone and summon another car." 1112 00:51:49,315 --> 00:51:51,568 "You live in the 21st century." 1113 00:51:52,193 --> 00:51:54,445 And I did, and the car took me home. 1114 00:51:54,529 --> 00:51:56,656 And when I got home, I had a device 1115 00:51:56,739 --> 00:51:59,409 onto which I could call, from the air, 1116 00:51:59,492 --> 00:52:05,206 movies, books, television shows, music to entertain me while I recovered. 1117 00:52:05,290 --> 00:52:06,833 Twenty-first century. 1118 00:52:08,960 --> 00:52:10,253 When I left the hospital, 1119 00:52:11,296 --> 00:52:12,255 the doctor said, 1120 00:52:13,173 --> 00:52:14,924 "There's a certain bodily function, 1121 00:52:16,009 --> 00:52:18,344 that you're used to doing every day." 1122 00:52:19,179 --> 00:52:20,972 "And for the next few days, 1123 00:52:21,764 --> 00:52:23,141 you're not gonna do it." 1124 00:52:23,224 --> 00:52:24,601 [audience laughs] 1125 00:52:24,684 --> 00:52:26,769 "And then, after three or four days, 1126 00:52:27,312 --> 00:52:28,730 all of a sudden, 1127 00:52:29,647 --> 00:52:30,773 you will do it." 1128 00:52:30,857 --> 00:52:32,358 [audience laughing] 1129 00:52:32,442 --> 00:52:34,319 "But the first time you do it, 1130 00:52:35,111 --> 00:52:36,654 it will be doing you." 1131 00:52:36,738 --> 00:52:38,740 [audience laughing] 1132 00:52:39,824 --> 00:52:41,159 "There's no shame in it." 1133 00:52:41,868 --> 00:52:44,913 "It's gonna happen, part of the recovery." 1134 00:52:44,996 --> 00:52:46,456 "Go heal in peace." 1135 00:52:46,539 --> 00:52:47,457 I go home. 1136 00:52:48,333 --> 00:52:51,836 First day, I watch movies. I read books on my iPad. 1137 00:52:51,920 --> 00:52:52,879 I go to sleep. 1138 00:52:52,962 --> 00:52:54,297 Nothing happens. 1139 00:52:54,380 --> 00:52:58,343 Next day, watch movies, read books on my iPad, go to sleep. 1140 00:52:58,843 --> 00:52:59,844 Nothing happens. 1141 00:53:00,345 --> 00:53:01,262 Third day, 1142 00:53:01,346 --> 00:53:04,849 watch movies, read books on my iPad, 1143 00:53:04,933 --> 00:53:06,059 go to sleep. 1144 00:53:08,519 --> 00:53:10,188 3:30 in the morning. 1145 00:53:10,271 --> 00:53:12,315 [audience laughing] 1146 00:53:12,398 --> 00:53:13,566 It happens. 1147 00:53:14,234 --> 00:53:17,445 But I wake up as it's happening and I can feel it coming. 1148 00:53:17,528 --> 00:53:19,239 I'm half a second ahead of it. 1149 00:53:19,322 --> 00:53:22,116 Oh my goodness, it's not gonna be a disaster. 1150 00:53:22,200 --> 00:53:25,787 I hop out of bed. Everything's okay. I make it across the bedroom floor. 1151 00:53:25,870 --> 00:53:30,166 I get into the bathroom. I'm ten feet away from the toilet. 1152 00:53:30,250 --> 00:53:31,626 I'm gonna make it. 1153 00:53:31,709 --> 00:53:33,169 [sings suspenseful melody] 1154 00:53:33,253 --> 00:53:34,921 Boom! No. 1155 00:53:35,004 --> 00:53:37,006 [audience laughing] 1156 00:53:44,806 --> 00:53:47,892 I had managed to get my underwear and sweatpants off. 1157 00:53:47,976 --> 00:53:49,978 [audience laughing] 1158 00:53:51,354 --> 00:53:54,107 Which made things ten times worse. 1159 00:53:54,190 --> 00:53:56,192 [audience laughing] 1160 00:53:57,485 --> 00:53:58,903 Because now, 1161 00:54:01,864 --> 00:54:04,951 our pristine white-tile bathroom… 1162 00:54:05,034 --> 00:54:07,245 [audience laughing] 1163 00:54:07,328 --> 00:54:09,163 …was 1164 00:54:09,956 --> 00:54:11,291 decorated for autumn. 1165 00:54:11,374 --> 00:54:14,002 -How about that, huh? Yeah. -[audience laughing] 1166 00:54:14,085 --> 00:54:15,378 Happy Thanksgiving. 1167 00:54:15,461 --> 00:54:16,296 So… 1168 00:54:16,379 --> 00:54:17,588 [audience laughing] 1169 00:54:17,672 --> 00:54:18,798 I'm standing there 1170 00:54:19,632 --> 00:54:22,677 going, "Oh my God, I've got two choices. I can either clean myself off, 1171 00:54:22,760 --> 00:54:25,972 or risk my wife coming in and seeing this disaster, 1172 00:54:26,055 --> 00:54:27,890 which she doesn't deserve." 1173 00:54:27,974 --> 00:54:29,600 So, I do the second choice. 1174 00:54:29,684 --> 00:54:33,062 I clean up everything first. I get a bunch of towels. 1175 00:54:33,146 --> 00:54:36,190 I get everything all cleaned up in a big, gross wad. 1176 00:54:36,274 --> 00:54:37,984 I gotta take off all my clothes, 1177 00:54:38,526 --> 00:54:41,696 including my shirt. I'd ruined my shirt. 1178 00:54:41,779 --> 00:54:43,406 [audience laughing] 1179 00:54:43,489 --> 00:54:44,949 Physics. 1180 00:54:45,033 --> 00:54:45,908 So… 1181 00:54:45,992 --> 00:54:47,994 [audience laughing] 1182 00:54:53,041 --> 00:54:54,417 Take the whole wad 1183 00:54:55,126 --> 00:54:56,836 down to the… And I'm nude now. 1184 00:54:57,712 --> 00:55:00,214 Go down to the kitchen with this big wad of horror, 1185 00:55:00,715 --> 00:55:04,135 take the bag out of the can, put this in the bag. 1186 00:55:04,218 --> 00:55:06,512 Now, four in the morning, 1187 00:55:06,596 --> 00:55:09,432 I gotta walk to the end of my driveway 1188 00:55:10,850 --> 00:55:12,685 where the trash cans are. 1189 00:55:14,354 --> 00:55:16,272 Get the thing open. Drop it. 1190 00:55:17,023 --> 00:55:18,191 And I just stand there. 1191 00:55:18,274 --> 00:55:20,401 [audience laughing] 1192 00:55:20,485 --> 00:55:21,319 Nude. 1193 00:55:21,402 --> 00:55:23,112 [audience laughing] 1194 00:55:23,196 --> 00:55:24,447 4:00 in the morning. 1195 00:55:25,865 --> 00:55:26,699 And I just 1196 00:55:28,284 --> 00:55:29,452 looked at the moon. 1197 00:55:29,535 --> 00:55:31,537 [audience laughing] 1198 00:55:34,040 --> 00:55:36,125 Like, hours ago, 1199 00:55:36,209 --> 00:55:37,794 I was in the 21st century… 1200 00:55:37,877 --> 00:55:39,420 [audience laughing] 1201 00:55:39,504 --> 00:55:43,424 …with access to cutting-edge technology, medicine, transportation. 1202 00:55:44,133 --> 00:55:45,301 And now, 1203 00:55:45,385 --> 00:55:47,428 just a mere couple of hours later, 1204 00:55:48,221 --> 00:55:49,472 I had been revealed 1205 00:55:50,014 --> 00:55:52,850 as the naked ape I always was. 1206 00:55:52,934 --> 00:55:54,685 [audience laughing] 1207 00:55:54,769 --> 00:55:56,312 [applause] 1208 00:55:56,396 --> 00:55:58,439 [cheering and applause] 1209 00:56:02,860 --> 00:56:03,945 The naked, 1210 00:56:04,487 --> 00:56:06,239 shit-covered ape 1211 00:56:06,989 --> 00:56:08,866 that's inside all of us. 1212 00:56:10,118 --> 00:56:12,745 And I actually had a weird moment of peace, 1213 00:56:12,829 --> 00:56:14,247 'cause it was so awful, 1214 00:56:14,831 --> 00:56:17,625 and I'm just like, "You know what? I'm actually as far away 1215 00:56:17,708 --> 00:56:21,254 from the 21st century as I could possibly be right now." 1216 00:56:21,337 --> 00:56:24,882 "I'm actually closer to my Neanderthal forebears." 1217 00:56:25,425 --> 00:56:28,094 "There's something weirdly cleansing about this." 1218 00:56:28,177 --> 00:56:30,596 And I had that feeling for, like, ten seconds. 1219 00:56:31,264 --> 00:56:35,685 That's when I remembered all my neighbors have ring cameras on their doors. 1220 00:56:35,768 --> 00:56:38,104 [audience laughing] 1221 00:56:39,814 --> 00:56:42,775 So everybody got their Christmas card that year. 1222 00:56:43,317 --> 00:56:45,361 Thank you so much, Denver! 1223 00:56:45,445 --> 00:56:47,613 -[cheering and applause] -Thank you! 1224 00:56:48,114 --> 00:56:49,740 Thank you, guys. Thank you! 1225 00:56:49,824 --> 00:56:51,075 Thank all of you. 1226 00:56:51,159 --> 00:56:54,454 -["Hard to Kill" by Bleached playing] -[kisses] Thank you! 1227 00:56:54,537 --> 00:56:57,331 [cheering and applause continues] 1228 00:57:03,296 --> 00:57:07,091 ♪ Place the gun to my heart ♪ 1229 00:57:07,175 --> 00:57:10,887 ♪ I don't care 'cause Friday I'm in love ♪ 1230 00:57:10,970 --> 00:57:14,182 ♪ We had a plan, don't make it weird ♪ 1231 00:57:14,724 --> 00:57:17,894 ♪ What I like, baby, it ain’t clear ♪ 1232 00:57:17,977 --> 00:57:19,270 ♪ So close ♪ 1233 00:57:19,353 --> 00:57:21,606 ♪ I'm looking for a place to breathe ♪ 1234 00:57:21,689 --> 00:57:23,107 ♪ So close ♪ 1235 00:57:23,191 --> 00:57:25,526 ♪ Drain me of my everything ♪ 1236 00:57:25,610 --> 00:57:26,903 ♪ Don't go ♪ 1237 00:57:26,986 --> 00:57:28,821 ♪ I wanna, wanna trust you ♪ 1238 00:57:29,405 --> 00:57:30,656 ♪ Don't go ♪ 1239 00:57:31,157 --> 00:57:32,492 ♪ Don't go ♪ 1240 00:57:33,117 --> 00:57:36,120 ♪ All the cities that we burned down ♪ 1241 00:57:36,621 --> 00:57:38,873 ♪ Turns out I'm very hard to kill ♪ 1242 00:57:40,583 --> 00:57:43,461 ♪ After all the damage we've done ♪ 1243 00:57:44,128 --> 00:57:46,380 ♪ Turns out I'm very hard to kill ♪ 1244 00:57:48,299 --> 00:57:50,301 [whistling] 1245 00:58:05,274 --> 00:58:08,236 ♪ Birthday cards at the corner store ♪ 1246 00:58:08,319 --> 00:58:12,615 ♪ You grabbed a box of Slims And said, "I want more" ♪ 1247 00:58:12,698 --> 00:58:15,952 ♪ You're so cool, you hate yourself ♪ 1248 00:58:16,035 --> 00:58:19,830 ♪ Lying on the floor In a stranger's house ♪ 1249 00:58:27,046 --> 00:58:28,339 ♪ So close ♪ 1250 00:58:28,422 --> 00:58:30,091 ♪ I'm looking for a place to-- ♪