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Denver, Colorado,
are you ready for a show?
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You know him, you love him.
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Please welcome to the stage
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Tim Dillon.
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Thank you, guys.
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Thank you, Denver.
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Thank you so much.
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Thank you, Denver.
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Thank you so much.
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Thank you so much.
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Thank you.
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That's enough. That's enough.
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I like Denver
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-because everybody's so athletic…
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…and good-looking. It's true.
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But when you look in their eyes,
something's wrong.
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You know what I mean?
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There's just something off about them.
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There's a glaze about them.
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"You wanna go up to the mountain?"
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"No, I don't. No, I don't."
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"No, I do not."
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I grew up white trash.
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And I know, Colorado,
you're like, "What's that?"
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How could you relate?
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We were… We were white trash.
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We were so white trash,
we used to go to Pizza Hut and dine in.
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-We ate inside of a Pizza Hut.
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And if you've been there,
you know you're the only family there,
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and there's just a mentally challenged guy
with a fake vacuum.
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They only give that to him
so he doesn't touch himself,
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and it doesn't work.
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He gets in there.
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Pizza Hut has a salad bar.
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It's just a bowl of ranch dressing.
People just dunk their head right in.
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And then go right back to their seat.
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And my parents would bring me there
to quiz me about school.
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My mother's like, "You're failing math."
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I have half a stuffed-crust pizza in me.
I'm like…
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"We're all failing."
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"We're in Pizza Hut at00 p.m."
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"That's not even a meal.
We're gonna eat later, you sick bitch."
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"I'm your only son.
What the fuck is wrong with you?"
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Now we want woke fast food.
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That's the goal.
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That's the goal. Used to be healthcare.
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A few years ago, we're like,
"We'd like healthcare."
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The government's like, "Yeah, what kind?"
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Fuck. Sh…
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Fuck. Something with an H? I don't…
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Now we're just gonna settle
for politically correct poison.
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Let's make sure IHOP
is on the right side of history.
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There's all these debates now
between the fast food companies.
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"Where does Chick-fil-A stand on fisting?"
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Who gives a fuck?
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Get the sandwich and go home.
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It's a drive-through.
You're supposed to drive through
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and not even admit you were there.
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When's the last time
you left a drive-through and you're like,
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"I hope I'm on the same page
with all of them"?
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"I hope the gnarled hand
giving me that quesadilla
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shares my values."
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"Does that bearded woman with an eye patch
feel the same way I do about Israel?"
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"If not, I'm throwing this sandwich
on the floor."
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There's only one political question
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that is appropriate
when it comes to fast food.
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"Is the sauce in the bag?"
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That's it.
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That's it.
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That is it.
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I don't care if you're a neo-Nazi.
You work at Sonic.
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How much damage can you do?
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I don't care if you're denying
the Holocaust as I pull up to the window.
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I'll ignore you.
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The window opens.
You're like, "It wasn't really six mil--"
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"Are there six sauces in the bag?"
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"Thank you." And get out of there.
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Papa John.
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Papa John said the N-word.
That's not good.
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But it's not false advertising
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because the Venn diagram
of people who eat Papa John's
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and people who use that word…
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One circle.
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That is market research.
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They call you up. "What'd you have
for dinner tonight? Papa's? Okay."
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"Say it." They know.
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They know who their people are.
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If you heard what they were saying
at Little Caesars,
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you would beg them to use racial slurs
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because they're talking about
using food they found on the floor.
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I ate in Little Caesars once.
I threw up blood for 48 hours.
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It's true.
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Little Caesars markets their food
directly to the homeless. It's a fact.
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Watch their commercials.
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They're like, "Little Caesars.
If you're in the area, we have hot food."
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What CEO was like,
"Just let 'em know it's hot."
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"Who cares what's on the menu?"
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"Tell 'em it's warm,
they'll come in."
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What demographic is that for?
I think I know.
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So, what are we…
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Yeah, what? You have a question?
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"Indica or sativa?"
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Here's the problem with your shitty state.
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Here's the problem.
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Here's the problem
with your embarrassing, uh, city.
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This city is one bad mayor
from being Portland, by the way.
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-You're one… You're one bad mayor away.
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You're one city council member
from being Seattle.
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Just horrible.
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"Indica or sativa?"
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I bought a house in Texas
during the quarantine,
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and, you know, Texas is different.
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I moved to Austin. There's a lot
of homeless people in Austin.
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There are so many
homeless people in Austin,
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Joe Rogan is no longer hunting deer.
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Just to give you an idea.
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And all they give a fuck about
is barbecue.
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All they care about is barbecue.
It's embarrassing.
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And you never feel
like a fatter piece of shit
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than when you order barbecue
because they only sell it by the pound.
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And I don't know what anything means.
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A woman's like,
"How many pounds of pork do you want?"
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I'm like, "I don't know. Four?"
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Then it gets there in a cooler.
I gotta walk it out.
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I'm like, "God damn it."
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"Fuck."
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I gotta eat it
on a garbage-can lid in an alley,
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staring at a homeless guy.
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I'm like, "I should share this,
but it's America."
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-"You'd better earn it."
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"You'd better earn it. You have a knife?"
And many of them do. You know, it's…
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I get pulled over a lot
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because I have California plates
on my car,
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and people in Texas don't like that.
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And sheriffs in Texas hate it.
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And…
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And I've never gotten one ticket.
I've been pulled over four or five times.
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I've never gotten one ticket
because I know exactly what to say
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to a sheriff in Texas.
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When they pull you over, they don't ask
for your license and registration.
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They just start talking.
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It's terrifying.
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Like, one guy pulled me over.
He goes, "California, huh?"
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"What are you
and all your friends doing here?"
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That's when I know exactly what to do.
I get aggressive. I hang out the window.
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I'm like, "You know
what I'm doing here, sir?"
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"I'm a little sick of liberals.
Can I speak freely?"
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And he goes, "Yes, you can."
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I go, "I may say some things
that are politically incorrect."
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He goes, "The floor is yours."
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I go, "I think you should build
a wall around Texas."
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He loves the word "wall."
He eases off the gun.
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I go, "Build a wall, and if anyone
from California tries to get in
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and you find out
they ever voted for a Democrat,
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you just kill 'em
and you kill their kids."
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He looked at me. He went,
"You were going 115 miles an hour."
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"But you know what?"
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"Get on home."
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And I was like, "Thank you, sir.
Heil Hitler." You know, just…
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…make a local connection.
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Connect locally.
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It's important to connect.
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When this pandemic started,
everybody thought it was gonna be fun.
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Everybody had pajamas on.
They were like, "It's a snow day."
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There was a very white-bitch,
yoga energy, you know?
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"The Earth is healing. Just listen."
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"The Earth is healing. Just breathe."
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"The dolphins are back."
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"Oh, the dolphins are back."
It started with "The dolphins are back."
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It ended with a guy in a Viking helmet
trying to kill Pelosi with a pen.
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I was like,
"This has been a real journey."
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I used to argue with my friend a lot
in the beginning of this.
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She's very progressive,
very far out, but that's cool.
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But I look at politics now
like I look at swimming in the ocean.
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If you're too far out, I'm like,
"They can't even get back
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if they want. Huh."
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"We gotta send someone after them.
They're, uh… They're gonna be in trouble."
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And she's a consultant,
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which is a ridiculous way
to earn a living.
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And nobody was affected less
than consultants over the last two years.
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They sent four emails.
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They checked in, they followed up,
they touched base,
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they circled back.
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That's all they did.
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-That's all they did.
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And we would argue. She'd be like,
"Why do people care about lockdowns?"
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I'm like, "Some of them need
to leave their house to do their job."
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She'd be like, "Well, fuck that."
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"We're having so much fun,
sitting at home, watching Disney+."
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I'm like, "You're 36.
You don't have any kids."
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"If you're watching Disney anything,
you should go to jail."
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Yeah. Disney movies suck.
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They don't hold up.
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What's Beauty and the Beast…
What's Beauty and the Beast even about?
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A chick who fucks a dog?
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And it's okay because a teapot says,
"Yeah, go fuck that dog."
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"Go suck that animal off,
and I'll sing about it with a fork."
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It's immoral, and it's wrong.
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And if you don't have kids,
stay the fuck out of Disney World, please.
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Don't be the Disney couple.
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Be the junkie couple.
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The junkie couple doesn't bother anybody.
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You never see them on Instagram,
like, "Ahh."
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All the junkie couple does is walk fast.
All they do. Just walk fast, like this.
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Big jackets, across a highway,
walking fast.
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But the Disney couples,
on Instagram with lightsabers.
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It's like, "We get it.
You don't fuck. It's fine."
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-"It's fine."
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And if you don't have kids,
stay the fuck out of Disney World.
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It's not for you.
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It's designed for fucking kids.
Well, not fucking…
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You know what I meant.
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00:12:15,943 --> 00:12:19,530
But also, there's an argument about that,
but here's the point.
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-It's designed for children.
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If you're a reasonably intelligent adult,
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you should walk into Disney World,
and within three minutes, you should go,
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"Oh."
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"That's not Mickey Mouse."
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"That's a guy in a suit
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with a rash that's bleeding, probably."
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The Magic Kingdom is not a real kingdom.
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If it was, our country
would have bombed it years ago.
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We'd be torturing Goofy right now.
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Lit cigarette to scrotum, just…
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I hate Disney World
because my boomer, piece-of-shit parents
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went there to save their marriage.
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00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:08,329
They ruined my first trip to Disney World
trying to save their loveless marriage.
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00:13:08,412 --> 00:13:12,833
My father said to my mother on the plane,
loudly so people could hear,
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00:13:12,917 --> 00:13:16,462
he went, "Hey, if we can't be happy here,
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let's just call it."
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I was like, "No pressure!"
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"Splash Mountain? Yeah?"
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00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:32,394
They fought so bitterly
during the character breakfast
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that none of the characters
would come near our table.
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My father had to look at my mother and go,
"Will you shut the fuck up
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so these things will come over here?"
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00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,742
He called them "things."
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And now that I'm older,
I realize they are things.
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00:13:51,705 --> 00:13:54,291
But when you're young,
you want a little magic.
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I do feel bad for the Make-A-Wish kids
243
00:13:57,962 --> 00:14:01,257
who wanted to go to Disney World
but couldn't because of the pandemic.
244
00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:03,884
I also feel bad for their parents
245
00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:07,304
because kids can be frustrating
even when they're sick.
246
00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:14,520
The kids are like,
"I wanna go to Disney World!"
247
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:17,147
And you're like,
"I've explained this to you
248
00:14:17,231 --> 00:14:19,066
nine fucking times."
249
00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:22,528
"Can you get this through your bald head?"
250
00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:27,491
"Disney World is closed."
251
00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:29,034
"Why? Why is it closed?"
252
00:14:29,118 --> 00:14:31,495
"Because there's a sickness."
253
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:33,163
"I have a sickness."
254
00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:40,588
"But yours isn't trending."
255
00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:43,799
"Yeah."
256
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,718
"No one cares about yours!"
257
00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:50,055
"Well, is there anything open?
Is there anywhere we can go?"
258
00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:53,475
"Yes, get in the car. We're gonna go see
Candice Owens. Get in the car!"
259
00:14:54,184 --> 00:14:58,230
"We're going to an Open America Up rally
with Candice Owens."
260
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:02,276
I got vaccinated in a CVS.
261
00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:07,364
And the woman who did it goes,
"Why don't you hang out for 15 minutes?"
262
00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:09,533
I said, "Why?"
263
00:15:10,284 --> 00:15:12,494
She goes, "In case you have a seizure."
264
00:15:14,288 --> 00:15:19,376
I said, "What the fuck are you gonna do
if I have a seizure?"
265
00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:22,212
"You make nine dollars an hour."
266
00:15:23,589 --> 00:15:25,424
"Are you gonna put a coupon in my hand?"
267
00:15:25,507 --> 00:15:26,967
"Hey, thanks for coming in."
268
00:15:27,718 --> 00:15:30,220
"Thanks for coming in. 20% off deodorant."
269
00:15:31,305 --> 00:15:33,307
"Thank you so much for coming in."
270
00:15:33,390 --> 00:15:35,768
Let me die in my car.
271
00:15:36,894 --> 00:15:38,771
Like an American citizen.
272
00:15:39,647 --> 00:15:45,527
Let me die in a Dairy Queen drive-through,
trying to grab a Blizzard.
273
00:15:53,243 --> 00:15:55,454
I had no problem getting the vaccine.
274
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:59,124
The news was like,
"Covid's a holocaust of fat people."
275
00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:02,044
-And I'm fat and I have money.
276
00:16:02,127 --> 00:16:04,254
Everybody in LA
that was fat and had money,
277
00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:06,465
we were trying to cut the line.
278
00:16:06,548 --> 00:16:09,343
Me and Lizzo were in the car, like this.
279
00:16:09,426 --> 00:16:10,719
"Let's go."
280
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:13,597
"Fuck these kids with cancer.
We got careers."
281
00:16:14,848 --> 00:16:16,183
"Hit me, Doc."
282
00:16:16,892 --> 00:16:19,770
We were all pulling up
with Taco Bell wrappers in the car,
283
00:16:19,853 --> 00:16:21,730
smoking a blunt, like, "Come on."
284
00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:23,941
"Let's get healthy. Hit me."
285
00:16:24,692 --> 00:16:26,276
"Hit me. Come on."
286
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:29,196
"I'm being responsible.
I'm gonna change my life now."
287
00:16:31,448 --> 00:16:34,326
And I'm not worried about Covid.
I've already had it.
288
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:36,161
I got it after I was vaccinated
289
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:37,871
because that's how you get it.
290
00:16:39,289 --> 00:16:41,250
They leave that out, you know?
291
00:16:42,584 --> 00:16:44,795
We'll figure that out in a few years.
292
00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:48,716
Joe Rogan sent a nurse to my house
293
00:16:49,216 --> 00:16:50,884
as soon as he found out I had Covid.
294
00:16:50,968 --> 00:16:52,720
It was so sweet.
295
00:16:52,803 --> 00:16:55,139
But, you know, it was Texas.
296
00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:59,643
So it wasn't really a nurse,
it was, like, a QAnon retard…
297
00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:03,647
…who had never been
to medical school at all.
298
00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:08,152
She walked in. She's like,
"Honey, all you can do is pray."
299
00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:11,530
I'm like, "What the fuck?"
300
00:17:12,072 --> 00:17:16,118
"You better put Ivermectin,
or whatever it is, in my ass right now."
301
00:17:16,201 --> 00:17:18,495
"You better do something right now."
302
00:17:21,832 --> 00:17:23,751
It's weird that we had
this global pandemic,
303
00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:26,003
but the way we dealt with it
was very local.
304
00:17:27,504 --> 00:17:29,214
That was never better evidenced
305
00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:33,177
by when you told a doctor
that you were being vaccinated
306
00:17:33,260 --> 00:17:35,054
in different parts of the country.
307
00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:38,682
In New York and LA,
if you were like, "Hey, I'm fully vaxxed,"
308
00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:40,267
a doctor would be like,
309
00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:42,102
"Yas, bitch!"
310
00:17:42,186 --> 00:17:43,896
"You're a silly whore."
311
00:17:44,521 --> 00:17:47,524
"You're a dirty little cum slut,
that's what you are."
312
00:17:48,650 --> 00:17:50,110
They got so excited.
313
00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:54,156
But I told my doctor in Texas
I was vaccinated.
314
00:17:54,239 --> 00:17:55,699
He looked at me, he was like,
315
00:17:57,326 --> 00:17:58,243
"Okay."
316
00:18:00,412 --> 00:18:02,414
And then, I swear to God, he goes,
317
00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:03,999
"When you get out of here,
318
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:08,378
I want you to go to a website
that really explains what's going on."
319
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:16,261
I'm like, "Why don't you explain
what's going on?"
320
00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:18,263
"I'm here in your office."
321
00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:22,768
He goes, "Okay.
The Jews killed Princess Diana."
322
00:18:26,063 --> 00:18:29,358
I was like, "I have a head cold."
He goes, "I know. I'm getting to that."
323
00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:32,528
"I'm laying the foundation. Bear with me."
324
00:18:34,404 --> 00:18:36,740
Tough year for nurses, so I've heard.
325
00:18:37,449 --> 00:18:38,534
And…
326
00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:40,536
Are there any nurses here?
327
00:18:40,619 --> 00:18:42,496
-Yeah? Fuck you too.
328
00:18:43,622 --> 00:18:45,874
No, we're kidding. Thank you.
329
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,626
They're heroes.
330
00:18:47,709 --> 00:18:50,754
But all nurses can't be heroes.
331
00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:53,257
It's statistically impossible.
332
00:18:53,924 --> 00:18:55,717
My cousin is a nurse.
333
00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:58,679
She got the job to steal Percocet.
334
00:19:00,264 --> 00:19:02,474
She told me that to my face.
335
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:05,602
She goes, "Yeah,
when it's late-stage cancer,
336
00:19:05,686 --> 00:19:07,980
I do one for you, one for me."
337
00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:12,151
That's not heroic at all.
338
00:19:13,902 --> 00:19:15,445
No, in fact,
339
00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:17,489
never call anyone a hero.
340
00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:19,158
It fucks with their head.
341
00:19:20,075 --> 00:19:23,203
Teacher, firefighter, cop. No more heroes.
342
00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:25,247
It does something to people.
343
00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:27,791
If somebody saves your life tonight,
344
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:29,960
go, "Hey, thanks,"
345
00:19:30,043 --> 00:19:31,628
and move on.
346
00:19:32,754 --> 00:19:34,256
Just get out of there.
347
00:19:34,798 --> 00:19:37,301
You call 'em a hero,
they start pissing in your mouth.
348
00:19:37,384 --> 00:19:39,136
"Yeah. You like that?"
349
00:19:39,219 --> 00:19:41,555
"That's hero juice."
350
00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:43,891
"That's what heroes do."
351
00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:46,018
We called nurses heroes.
352
00:19:46,101 --> 00:19:49,146
Five minutes later,
they're TikToking with dead bodies.
353
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:58,780
I know it was a rough gig.
354
00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:01,533
I just wanted
a little suffering in silence.
355
00:20:01,617 --> 00:20:02,659
That's all.
356
00:20:03,243 --> 00:20:04,703
Just keep it in.
357
00:20:05,287 --> 00:20:09,041
I didn't need you on Facebook Live
every five minutes, crying.
358
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:14,004
"Okay."
359
00:20:14,087 --> 00:20:18,217
"They brought a woman in last night.
She had her whole life ahead of her."
360
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:19,843
"She was 96."
361
00:20:21,511 --> 00:20:24,640
"And we spent a million dollars
to keep her alive
362
00:20:25,140 --> 00:20:26,642
for 24 hours
363
00:20:27,351 --> 00:20:30,896
so that she could gargle
her last, probably racist, words."
364
00:20:35,108 --> 00:20:38,153
It's killing racists.
We know that for a fact.
365
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:40,239
-Yeah!
366
00:20:41,156 --> 00:20:43,784
What happens when you get
Grandma off the ventilator?
367
00:20:43,867 --> 00:20:47,746
She's gonna start saying nice things
about the trans community?
368
00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:52,751
I mean, walk this out in your head.
369
00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:55,170
"Grandma, welcome back."
370
00:20:59,716 --> 00:21:02,219
"Grandma, do you know
what a non-binary person is?"
371
00:21:06,223 --> 00:21:08,725
"Grandma, what's someone
that's not a man or a woman?"
372
00:21:08,809 --> 00:21:10,102
"A demon."
373
00:21:10,185 --> 00:21:12,437
"No! No, Grandma!"
374
00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:14,773
"Mask her. Mask her now."
375
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,818
"Put her back on the tube.
Put her back on."
376
00:21:17,901 --> 00:21:19,569
"Until she learns."
377
00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:24,283
"Grandma's going back on the tube
until she learns."
378
00:21:26,868 --> 00:21:30,080
And I'm not one of these people
that didn't think it was real.
379
00:21:30,580 --> 00:21:33,917
I knew it was real. My mother
was in a nursing home in New York.
380
00:21:34,001 --> 00:21:35,877
And we were terrified
381
00:21:35,961 --> 00:21:38,547
that she would not die of this disease.
382
00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:42,467
She's 300 pounds and asthmatic.
383
00:21:42,551 --> 00:21:45,887
I was calling the doctor myself,
going, "Choke the bitch out."
384
00:21:47,014 --> 00:21:48,515
What is going wrong?
385
00:21:50,100 --> 00:21:52,311
Her nursing home's
littered with dead bodies.
386
00:21:52,394 --> 00:21:55,063
My fat mother is fine somehow.
387
00:21:55,647 --> 00:21:58,817
She's just sitting in her bed
with a Trump hat on, trolling.
388
00:22:05,532 --> 00:22:07,951
My mother's roommate died of Covid.
389
00:22:08,035 --> 00:22:10,037
My mother did not even get it.
390
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:12,247
She didn't even know
her roommate was dead.
391
00:22:13,540 --> 00:22:16,376
My mother just kept yelling at her.
"Elizabeth!"
392
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:18,462
"Put on Tucker."
393
00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:22,424
"It's eight o'clock, Elizabeth."
394
00:22:22,966 --> 00:22:24,843
"Put on Tucker."
395
00:22:26,219 --> 00:22:28,930
The nurse comes in and goes,
"Patty, Elizabeth is dead."
396
00:22:29,014 --> 00:22:31,933
My mother goes, "Can you put on Tucker?"
397
00:22:33,352 --> 00:22:35,687
So she deserves to die. That's my point.
398
00:22:37,064 --> 00:22:39,983
Andrew Cuomo, the governor of New York,
399
00:22:40,067 --> 00:22:42,069
no matter what you may think of him,
400
00:22:42,152 --> 00:22:43,820
did a really nice thing.
401
00:22:43,904 --> 00:22:45,864
He did a genocide of the elderly.
402
00:22:45,947 --> 00:22:47,616
-He did.
403
00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:50,494
And no one cared.
404
00:22:50,577 --> 00:22:53,455
Then he made a woman uncomfortable
at a Christmas party,
405
00:22:53,538 --> 00:22:57,459
and they're like,
"Now you're out of here! Now you go."
406
00:22:57,542 --> 00:23:00,295
They had to step over bodies
to tell him that.
407
00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:01,505
"Now you go."
408
00:23:02,714 --> 00:23:07,010
But they got him out of office
before he could kill my mother!
409
00:23:07,594 --> 00:23:09,179
Which is all I wanted.
410
00:23:10,597 --> 00:23:12,933
It wasn't only regular people
that got fucked
411
00:23:13,016 --> 00:23:14,476
over the last couple of years.
412
00:23:14,559 --> 00:23:16,395
The elites got fucked too.
413
00:23:17,145 --> 00:23:18,397
This is true.
414
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:22,317
Last year, Hillary Clinton had a podcast.
415
00:23:24,027 --> 00:23:26,988
That is not the way
she thought her life was gonna go.
416
00:23:28,115 --> 00:23:30,617
She thought she was gonna be
the leader of the free world.
417
00:23:30,700 --> 00:23:32,994
Last year, that bitch had my job.
418
00:23:35,205 --> 00:23:37,290
-I…
419
00:23:37,374 --> 00:23:38,375
Yeah.
420
00:23:40,210 --> 00:23:44,214
Yeah. What a miscalculation on her part.
421
00:23:45,257 --> 00:23:49,344
And all her enemies wanted her in jail.
They're like, "Lock her up!"
422
00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:52,681
I'm like, "She's reading ads
for Stamps.com."
423
00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:56,560
"She knows it's over."
424
00:23:56,643 --> 00:23:57,894
"I think we got her."
425
00:23:59,521 --> 00:24:00,772
We had…
426
00:24:00,856 --> 00:24:03,150
We had riots last year,
427
00:24:03,233 --> 00:24:06,111
and everybody
watched the riots like Netflix.
428
00:24:06,194 --> 00:24:08,989
Everybody was just glued every day, like…
429
00:24:10,157 --> 00:24:11,533
"Honey, get in here."
430
00:24:12,784 --> 00:24:15,203
"They got to Trader Joe's."
431
00:24:16,455 --> 00:24:19,499
"I know. There's no parking.
Fuck it. Watch it burn."
432
00:24:20,750 --> 00:24:24,045
"And the staff sucks.
I hope they're burning alive right now."
433
00:24:25,213 --> 00:24:29,217
"They're using a man as a battering ram
to get into Macy's. Take a look at that."
434
00:24:29,301 --> 00:24:30,969
"No, it's peaceful. Relax."
435
00:24:33,805 --> 00:24:37,058
It was fun to see the news anchors
have to keep saying "peaceful"
436
00:24:37,142 --> 00:24:39,102
no matter what happened behind them.
437
00:24:39,186 --> 00:24:42,022
It's just fun. It's just fun to watch.
438
00:24:42,105 --> 00:24:45,775
Things are burning down. They're like,
"The level of peace that I feel."
439
00:24:46,818 --> 00:24:50,322
They're getting stabbed. They're like,
"This is an isolated incident."
440
00:24:50,822 --> 00:24:53,867
"I'm learning a lot right now.
I'm learning a lot."
441
00:24:54,993 --> 00:24:57,871
I get it. I get why people were mad.
442
00:24:58,371 --> 00:25:02,501
Cops were doing fucked-up shit
and it was all on camera.
443
00:25:02,584 --> 00:25:04,294
And I know there's some good cops.
444
00:25:04,377 --> 00:25:07,214
And I have to say that
because I look like a cop,
445
00:25:07,297 --> 00:25:09,090
and I don't look like a good one.
446
00:25:10,509 --> 00:25:12,469
Uh… No, no, no, no, no.
447
00:25:13,970 --> 00:25:15,764
I do not look like a cop you would want
448
00:25:15,847 --> 00:25:18,850
in a high-pressure
law-enforcement scenario.
449
00:25:20,143 --> 00:25:23,522
In fact, I look like a cop
that walks around all day like this.
450
00:25:23,605 --> 00:25:24,898
"Hey, what's going on?"
451
00:25:26,358 --> 00:25:29,236
"Who's this? Your son?
What's up, buddy? How are you?"
452
00:25:29,945 --> 00:25:31,279
"What happened? Blew a tire?"
453
00:25:31,363 --> 00:25:33,782
"Yeah, I'm local law enforcement,
here to help."
454
00:25:34,783 --> 00:25:37,953
"Oh yeah, she's loaded.
We're always ready to dance."
455
00:25:38,036 --> 00:25:40,288
"You want me to call anybody?
You need something?"
456
00:25:40,372 --> 00:25:41,998
"You need something?"
457
00:25:46,711 --> 00:25:48,880
Everyone I know who became a cop
458
00:25:49,548 --> 00:25:51,550
should not have become a cop.
459
00:25:51,633 --> 00:25:53,426
-It's a fact.
460
00:25:54,219 --> 00:25:57,556
Everyone I know
and everyone you know. Let's be honest.
461
00:25:59,432 --> 00:26:02,602
That's how I remind my friends.
I'll call my friends from high school.
462
00:26:02,686 --> 00:26:04,938
I'm like, "Remember John
with the black hair?"
463
00:26:05,522 --> 00:26:07,607
They're like, "What?"
I'm like, "From biology."
464
00:26:07,691 --> 00:26:09,734
"He used to spit on the disabled girl."
465
00:26:11,403 --> 00:26:12,654
"John!"
466
00:26:13,405 --> 00:26:16,741
"Tall. He threw her wheelchair
over the fence. John!"
467
00:26:16,825 --> 00:26:18,785
-"Yes."
468
00:26:19,286 --> 00:26:21,413
"He's the chief of police."
469
00:26:23,331 --> 00:26:24,416
"Right now."
470
00:26:25,750 --> 00:26:27,502
It's interesting, you know?
471
00:26:28,753 --> 00:26:31,256
Now everything's about kids.
472
00:26:32,173 --> 00:26:35,176
Everything's about
what the kids are learning.
473
00:26:36,052 --> 00:26:39,472
"What are they learning, the kids?
What are they teaching children?"
474
00:26:40,056 --> 00:26:41,266
My parents are boomers.
475
00:26:41,349 --> 00:26:45,937
They could not have given a fuck less
about what I learned ever.
476
00:26:46,855 --> 00:26:49,941
My father walked me to the bus stop
on my first day of school.
477
00:26:50,025 --> 00:26:53,612
I said, "What school am I going to?"
He goes, "I don't know, son. Uh…"
478
00:26:53,695 --> 00:26:55,739
-And then walked away.
479
00:26:56,615 --> 00:26:59,659
Now these parents are stampeding fucking…
480
00:26:59,743 --> 00:27:03,580
They're going into fucking, you know,
PTA meetings with guns, like,
481
00:27:03,663 --> 00:27:05,332
"What are you teaching the kids?"
482
00:27:08,460 --> 00:27:10,337
And I don't know what's going on.
483
00:27:10,420 --> 00:27:14,382
Are they teaching two-year-olds
about gender theory? Maybe. I don't know.
484
00:27:14,466 --> 00:27:18,595
There's always one school
that they find in, like, San Francisco.
485
00:27:19,721 --> 00:27:22,265
There's always one school
they use as an example,
486
00:27:22,349 --> 00:27:26,519
where the teacher's in front of the kids,
and she's like, "This is my labia."
487
00:27:28,271 --> 00:27:30,857
"And tonight, I'm gonna make it a cock."
488
00:27:32,651 --> 00:27:36,905
"And your homework
is to name my new cock."
489
00:27:43,787 --> 00:27:46,289
And you go, "That is a bit much."
490
00:27:47,832 --> 00:27:49,125
"That is excessive."
491
00:27:50,460 --> 00:27:55,382
Then, like everything else in our country,
it swings crazy left to crazy right.
492
00:27:55,465 --> 00:27:58,802
Florida's got a new bill.
People call it the "Don't Say Gay" bill.
493
00:27:58,885 --> 00:28:01,930
One of the provisions in this bill,
that they dropped,
494
00:28:02,013 --> 00:28:05,183
was that teachers
were gonna have to out kids as gay
495
00:28:05,266 --> 00:28:07,560
to their parents within six months,
496
00:28:07,644 --> 00:28:09,104
which is horrible,
497
00:28:09,604 --> 00:28:10,814
but hilarious…
498
00:28:12,190 --> 00:28:16,236
…when you think of the calls
the teachers would have to make.
499
00:28:18,321 --> 00:28:20,490
"Hey, Mr. Morris, how are you? Yeah."
500
00:28:21,074 --> 00:28:22,701
"I'm Todd's English teacher."
501
00:28:23,284 --> 00:28:26,663
"Yeah, he's doing great.
No, no problems. He's doing great."
502
00:28:26,746 --> 00:28:29,833
"He is very close
with another boy, though."
503
00:28:31,042 --> 00:28:33,712
"They laugh a lot.
They take the bus together."
504
00:28:34,254 --> 00:28:35,797
"Oh, that's his brother!"
505
00:28:36,381 --> 00:28:38,383
"Okay. No, nothing, nothing. Ah…"
506
00:28:40,719 --> 00:28:43,722
"Nothing at all.
How are you? Are you good?"
507
00:28:43,805 --> 00:28:46,099
"Yeah, I'm just checking up on everybody."
508
00:28:48,226 --> 00:28:50,687
I would call. I'd give it no context.
509
00:28:51,354 --> 00:28:52,731
"Hey, Mrs. Miller."
510
00:28:53,356 --> 00:28:55,442
"Your daughter's a les."
511
00:28:59,070 --> 00:29:00,488
Let them figure it out.
512
00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:03,283
You know?
513
00:29:03,366 --> 00:29:06,578
It also makes teachers look horrible,
you know?
514
00:29:06,661 --> 00:29:09,998
"I watched your son jerk off
with his friend. I think they're gay."
515
00:29:10,582 --> 00:29:14,169
"No, I did. I-I filmed it.
I knew you wouldn't believe me."
516
00:29:15,170 --> 00:29:17,338
"Do you wanna see it? It's my job."
517
00:29:17,839 --> 00:29:19,674
"No, it's my job."
518
00:29:20,175 --> 00:29:21,342
"I'm a teacher."
519
00:29:26,556 --> 00:29:27,932
Young people are interesting.
520
00:29:28,016 --> 00:29:30,727
They care about their mental health a lot,
which is good.
521
00:29:31,227 --> 00:29:34,272
They take mental-health breaks. They do.
522
00:29:34,773 --> 00:29:35,690
They go,
523
00:29:36,900 --> 00:29:38,568
"Not today. Ah…"
524
00:29:39,611 --> 00:29:44,032
"I can't do it today, and I don't
even know when I could."
525
00:29:44,115 --> 00:29:45,950
-"I don't even…"
526
00:29:46,910 --> 00:29:48,870
The bitch did it at the Olympics!
527
00:29:50,163 --> 00:29:52,874
She went to the Olympics,
528
00:29:52,957 --> 00:29:54,000
and she went,
529
00:29:54,709 --> 00:29:56,711
"Yeah, not today."
530
00:29:56,795 --> 00:29:58,588
-"Yeah."
531
00:29:59,088 --> 00:30:02,175
And then everybody's like,
"That's what a real champion does."
532
00:30:03,218 --> 00:30:05,845
I'm like, "Well, I'll do that."
533
00:30:06,638 --> 00:30:09,891
I'll walk around the gym with a cigarette,
like, "Nah, not today."
534
00:30:10,975 --> 00:30:13,353
"Nah, I'm protecting
what's in here."
535
00:30:14,020 --> 00:30:16,648
Hey, athletes.
There is nothing in here. Do a flip.
536
00:30:18,191 --> 00:30:20,026
Who is telling these athletes
537
00:30:20,109 --> 00:30:23,530
they should be sentient people
with thoughts and ideas?
538
00:30:23,613 --> 00:30:25,031
Just do a flip!
539
00:30:25,114 --> 00:30:27,075
-You're all stupid.
540
00:30:27,158 --> 00:30:29,452
Every athlete is stupid.
541
00:30:29,536 --> 00:30:30,495
It's true.
542
00:30:30,578 --> 00:30:35,500
You have never sat next
to an in-shape, ripped, hot athlete
543
00:30:35,583 --> 00:30:39,128
and heard anything come out of their mouth
and went, "Whoa."
544
00:30:40,463 --> 00:30:42,507
"Wow. That's great."
545
00:30:43,132 --> 00:30:46,344
"I never thought of it like that.
You're a fucking…"
546
00:30:46,928 --> 00:30:48,012
Do a flip.
547
00:30:49,556 --> 00:30:51,057
That's what you're here to do.
548
00:30:53,142 --> 00:30:55,895
I should have held on to my AMC stock.
549
00:30:55,979 --> 00:30:57,730
That much is clear.
550
00:30:57,814 --> 00:31:01,067
I-I-I-I sold it. I let the community down.
551
00:31:01,150 --> 00:31:04,654
You remember the big push
with GameStop and AMC?
552
00:31:05,321 --> 00:31:07,448
Some of you might have made
a lot of money.
553
00:31:07,532 --> 00:31:09,367
Not by the looks of it, but who knows?
554
00:31:10,410 --> 00:31:12,704
It was the first stock that I ever owned.
555
00:31:12,787 --> 00:31:14,122
Well, not technically.
556
00:31:14,205 --> 00:31:19,627
My mother used to buy me and my father
single shares of stock for Christmas.
557
00:31:19,711 --> 00:31:22,297
She'd give us, like,
a share of ExxonMobil
558
00:31:22,380 --> 00:31:24,007
or a share of McDonald's.
559
00:31:25,300 --> 00:31:27,218
Then we'd go to McDonald's,
and she's like,
560
00:31:27,302 --> 00:31:29,095
"It's kinda like we own this place."
561
00:31:30,221 --> 00:31:32,015
And even at seven years old, I'm like,
562
00:31:32,098 --> 00:31:34,809
"Man, I hope this bitch
gets hit by a car."
563
00:31:35,810 --> 00:31:38,479
"What a pointless bitch my mother is."
564
00:31:38,563 --> 00:31:39,689
"Fuck."
565
00:31:42,609 --> 00:31:46,279
I went… I went hard into the AMC game.
566
00:31:47,155 --> 00:31:49,032
I put 20 grand in.
567
00:31:49,115 --> 00:31:51,242
My business manager
flagged it immediately.
568
00:31:51,326 --> 00:31:53,578
He called me. He's like, "What is this?"
569
00:31:53,661 --> 00:31:57,498
But back then, I have so much confidence.
I'm like, "What is this?"
570
00:31:57,582 --> 00:31:59,751
"It's a revolution."
571
00:32:02,253 --> 00:32:05,924
"We're gonna throw you off the balcony
of that penthouse apartment you own."
572
00:32:06,007 --> 00:32:07,300
"That's what this is."
573
00:32:07,884 --> 00:32:09,177
"You got a horse in Malibu."
574
00:32:09,260 --> 00:32:11,763
"We're gonna fuck it
in front of your kids."
575
00:32:14,057 --> 00:32:15,725
He's like, "You're down two grand."
576
00:32:15,808 --> 00:32:17,602
I'm like, "Sell, sell."
577
00:32:18,770 --> 00:32:19,687
"Sell."
578
00:32:19,771 --> 00:32:22,482
"I love that horse.
I'm kidding around."
579
00:32:26,819 --> 00:32:29,155
But the American economy's
on solid footing.
580
00:32:29,822 --> 00:32:32,992
I know that because Justin Bieber
just paid $1.2 million
581
00:32:33,076 --> 00:32:34,327
for a picture of an ape.
582
00:32:35,620 --> 00:32:36,621
Yeah.
583
00:32:37,580 --> 00:32:38,831
Every now and then,
584
00:32:39,540 --> 00:32:42,001
I like to show that picture
to a coal miner.
585
00:32:47,090 --> 00:32:50,635
I drive into Pennsylvania coal country,
and I pull over.
586
00:32:51,344 --> 00:32:55,306
And there's a guy coming out of the mines,
you know, coughing.
587
00:32:55,848 --> 00:32:57,141
I say, "Come here. Come on."
588
00:32:57,225 --> 00:32:58,685
-"Come here."
589
00:32:58,768 --> 00:33:00,937
"Take a look at this. You see this?"
590
00:33:01,020 --> 00:33:02,897
He looks through his one good eye.
591
00:33:04,440 --> 00:33:06,150
I say, "That's 1.2 million."
592
00:33:07,443 --> 00:33:08,361
"Have a good day."
593
00:33:09,988 --> 00:33:11,114
Then I get out of there.
594
00:33:12,073 --> 00:33:13,074
Fun.
595
00:33:14,784 --> 00:33:16,369
I'm worried about the Internet.
596
00:33:16,869 --> 00:33:19,539
You used to be able
to go on the Internet and have fun.
597
00:33:19,622 --> 00:33:21,374
Now they kick everybody off.
598
00:33:22,166 --> 00:33:26,170
There's a megachurch pastor in Houston
named Joel Osteen.
599
00:33:27,797 --> 00:33:29,966
Okay. Some of you are in a cult.
600
00:33:32,301 --> 00:33:34,387
And he's here tonight! No.
601
00:33:35,930 --> 00:33:38,141
It's a mass baptism! No.
602
00:33:40,018 --> 00:33:43,229
There was a big flood in Houston
a few years ago,
603
00:33:43,312 --> 00:33:47,483
and Joel Osteen would not let any
of those flood victims in his churches,
604
00:33:47,567 --> 00:33:49,777
and people were very angry at him.
605
00:33:49,861 --> 00:33:52,947
And I looked on Twitter
and I saw that nobody was defending him.
606
00:33:57,201 --> 00:34:00,204
So I changed my profile picture
to his church,
607
00:34:00,705 --> 00:34:03,791
and I responded to the victims
one by one.
608
00:34:06,002 --> 00:34:10,965
And I said, "The last thing Joel needs
is you and your wet baby in his church."
609
00:34:17,346 --> 00:34:19,640
We're having fun. It's fun!
610
00:34:23,895 --> 00:34:26,731
And I'm not saying
you can only have fun in fucked-up ways.
611
00:34:26,814 --> 00:34:28,316
Here's a nice way to have fun.
612
00:34:28,399 --> 00:34:31,069
Find your old teachers on Facebook.
613
00:34:32,153 --> 00:34:35,490
They're always on Facebook,
and they always remember you.
614
00:34:35,990 --> 00:34:39,577
Write on their wall tomorrow morning.
Go, "Do you remember me?"
615
00:34:39,660 --> 00:34:41,454
They're gonna go, "Of course I do."
616
00:34:42,205 --> 00:34:44,123
And then under that, write,
617
00:34:44,207 --> 00:34:47,085
"What we had meant something to me."
618
00:34:50,213 --> 00:34:52,673
If they try to get out of it,
like, "Chemistry was fun,"
619
00:34:52,757 --> 00:34:54,634
go, "No, you fucked me in the mouth."
620
00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:58,513
Have your friends comment.
"Why did you fuck him in the mouth?"
621
00:34:58,596 --> 00:35:00,431
"Why? Why did you fuck him in the mouth?"
622
00:35:00,515 --> 00:35:02,850
And what's funny about that
623
00:35:02,934 --> 00:35:05,520
is you just ruined someone's life.
624
00:35:06,979 --> 00:35:08,272
That's fun.
625
00:35:09,482 --> 00:35:10,983
It's the Internet.
626
00:35:13,319 --> 00:35:14,654
What's the big deal?
627
00:35:17,281 --> 00:35:18,950
The media loves terror.
628
00:35:19,450 --> 00:35:23,079
That's their whole rationale for existing.
629
00:35:23,663 --> 00:35:25,623
That is their profit motive.
630
00:35:25,706 --> 00:35:28,501
My favorite article about Covid
was from the LA Times.
631
00:35:28,584 --> 00:35:30,711
This was the headline, word for word.
632
00:35:30,795 --> 00:35:34,298
"No symptoms? Negative test?"
633
00:35:34,382 --> 00:35:36,300
"You're not out of the woods."
634
00:35:42,723 --> 00:35:44,559
I rooted for every variant…
635
00:35:46,352 --> 00:35:49,188
…because I just wanted
to get out of family parties.
636
00:35:49,730 --> 00:35:51,357
My family's Irish Catholic.
637
00:35:51,440 --> 00:35:53,442
We suck, but we're fun.
638
00:35:53,985 --> 00:35:55,736
Yeah, we're depressing, but we're fun.
639
00:35:55,820 --> 00:35:57,947
You can even hear the sadness
in the cheers.
640
00:35:59,532 --> 00:36:00,700
Whoo!
641
00:36:02,827 --> 00:36:05,079
But everybody who's fucked up is fun,
642
00:36:05,913 --> 00:36:07,874
and everybody who's fun
is a little fucked up.
643
00:36:07,957 --> 00:36:11,961
You've never been out at a bar with a guy,
and went, "This guy is amazing."
644
00:36:12,044 --> 00:36:14,046
"He's so much fun. What's his deal?"
645
00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:16,632
And someone's like, "Oh, he's a doctor."
646
00:36:16,716 --> 00:36:20,219
It's always like, "This guy's great!
What's his deal?"
647
00:36:20,303 --> 00:36:22,013
"Let's talk outside."
648
00:36:23,598 --> 00:36:26,267
"His wife faked her own death.
She's fucking his brother."
649
00:36:26,350 --> 00:36:28,603
"But he loves Fleetwood Mac.
Look at him go."
650
00:36:29,896 --> 00:36:32,273
"Look at him go. It's good. We're good."
651
00:36:33,941 --> 00:36:37,403
Irish people are fucked up.
I can prove that. We don't have a cuisine.
652
00:36:38,404 --> 00:36:40,615
We're the only country without a cuisine.
653
00:36:40,698 --> 00:36:43,951
Ethiopia has a cuisine and no food.
654
00:36:46,954 --> 00:36:49,040
Irish people are so fucked up,
655
00:36:49,123 --> 00:36:53,085
they couldn't get ten entrées on a menu
in all of human history.
656
00:36:54,879 --> 00:36:56,964
We have one food.
It's called Shepherd's Pie.
657
00:36:57,048 --> 00:36:59,383
It's not even a food. It's a bowl of shit.
658
00:36:59,884 --> 00:37:02,720
And it just gives you enough energy
to hit your wife.
659
00:37:04,138 --> 00:37:05,848
Which you shouldn't do.
660
00:37:05,932 --> 00:37:08,351
But if she's Irish, you get one. Ahh.
661
00:37:09,518 --> 00:37:14,523
Because they're animals, these women.
Plaque psoriasis, rosacea, varicose veins.
662
00:37:14,607 --> 00:37:18,527
Cigarette's ash in a seashell,
sangria made at00 a.m.
663
00:37:19,028 --> 00:37:22,406
If they're over 40,
they look exactly like me.
664
00:37:23,532 --> 00:37:25,243
And they all dance like this.
665
00:37:26,452 --> 00:37:28,120
-Yeah!
666
00:37:28,204 --> 00:37:30,414
"That's Aunt Sue. She has lupus."
667
00:37:35,086 --> 00:37:37,880
Thanksgiving is the worst
because we have to go around the table
668
00:37:37,964 --> 00:37:39,465
and say what we're thankful for.
669
00:37:39,548 --> 00:37:42,551
And nobody wants this. Nobody.
670
00:37:42,635 --> 00:37:44,804
And we lie. That's how fucked up we are.
671
00:37:44,887 --> 00:37:46,973
We lie about what we're thankful for.
672
00:37:47,056 --> 00:37:50,559
We can't be honest.
I wish you had to be honest.
673
00:37:51,143 --> 00:37:52,645
You couldn't lie?
674
00:37:52,728 --> 00:37:53,854
They get to my Uncle Bob.
675
00:37:53,938 --> 00:37:56,274
They're like, "Bob,
what are you thankful for?"
676
00:37:57,566 --> 00:37:59,652
"I'm thankful
I didn't get a DWI on Tuesday."
677
00:37:59,735 --> 00:38:01,487
"I couldn't see through the dash."
678
00:38:02,822 --> 00:38:05,408
"Thank God I did some coke
earlier that night."
679
00:38:06,033 --> 00:38:09,704
"When I'm coked up, I remember to signal.
I can't get hard, but I signal."
680
00:38:10,579 --> 00:38:13,207
"I pull into my driveway.
I'm like, 'Maybe I can get hard.'"
681
00:38:13,291 --> 00:38:15,918
"I start jerking my dick. I pass out."
682
00:38:16,002 --> 00:38:19,547
"I hit my head. My kids find me,
dick in hand, bloody head."
683
00:38:20,047 --> 00:38:22,842
"But no DWI. I am so thankful for that."
684
00:38:26,345 --> 00:38:27,888
But we don't have that.
685
00:38:27,972 --> 00:38:31,600
We have my Aunt Carol being like,
"I'm thankful for the seasons."
686
00:38:32,685 --> 00:38:35,604
What the fuck does that even mean?
687
00:38:35,688 --> 00:38:37,315
Your daughter's on heroin.
688
00:38:39,066 --> 00:38:41,861
My cousin's on heroin,
but it's the holidays. We let her have it.
689
00:38:41,944 --> 00:38:44,238
We're like, "Ahh. Get in there."
690
00:38:45,197 --> 00:38:48,284
"Get in that bathroom for 17 minutes."
She walks out, like…
691
00:39:02,715 --> 00:39:04,258
But she's not sensitive.
692
00:39:04,884 --> 00:39:07,845
That's a nice thing about heroin addicts
no one talks about.
693
00:39:08,346 --> 00:39:10,931
She said to me, she's like,
"Is that joke about me?"
694
00:39:11,932 --> 00:39:13,267
I went, "Yeah."
695
00:39:14,393 --> 00:39:16,645
She goes, "All right.
Give me a cigarette."
696
00:39:18,939 --> 00:39:20,483
Eye on the prize.
697
00:39:27,531 --> 00:39:31,077
People think the American economy
is powered by war. Perhaps.
698
00:39:32,244 --> 00:39:33,662
Good argument to be made.
699
00:39:34,205 --> 00:39:37,208
Some people think it'll be Bitcoin.
I think it's cruises.
700
00:39:37,291 --> 00:39:38,501
The cruise.
701
00:39:39,001 --> 00:39:40,961
That is the indicator of economic health.
702
00:39:41,045 --> 00:39:43,964
Americans will get on a floating toilet
no matter what.
703
00:39:45,007 --> 00:39:47,426
Covid came to America in a cruise.
704
00:39:47,510 --> 00:39:51,013
The Grand Princess cruise.
The first time you heard about Covid.
705
00:39:51,097 --> 00:39:54,350
There was an outbreak.
People were fighting over water.
706
00:39:54,850 --> 00:39:58,020
They were shitting on the deck.
Dying in their bunk.
707
00:39:58,687 --> 00:39:59,605
Biggest story.
708
00:39:59,688 --> 00:40:02,858
We wouldn't even let it dock.
I didn't even know you could do that.
709
00:40:03,359 --> 00:40:06,153
People from Miami
were just walking outside, going…
710
00:40:14,829 --> 00:40:17,706
You know what happened that week?
Cruises sold out.
711
00:40:17,790 --> 00:40:21,043
They sold out a year in advance.
Because you know Americans.
712
00:40:21,127 --> 00:40:23,796
They're watching that
on the news every night.
713
00:40:23,879 --> 00:40:27,550
They're watching those bodies stack up,
and they're going…
714
00:40:27,633 --> 00:40:29,176
"We're getting a deal."
715
00:40:30,886 --> 00:40:34,598
"Honey, get the phone.
We're going to Cancún for $32."
716
00:40:35,307 --> 00:40:38,561
"Get the phone. You didn't marry an idiot.
Get the fucking phone."
717
00:40:39,061 --> 00:40:42,606
"We'll burn those bodies ourselves.
See if that's a package."
718
00:40:44,608 --> 00:40:46,068
The level of fat
719
00:40:47,069 --> 00:40:50,030
on a cruise is confusing.
720
00:40:50,781 --> 00:40:54,618
I took one cruise. I could have been
a personal trainer on this boat.
721
00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:58,956
People were coming up to me.
They were like, "How do you do it?"
722
00:41:01,125 --> 00:41:03,419
I'm like, "I walk occasionally."
723
00:41:06,380 --> 00:41:08,716
One woman brought
a cooler of food on the boat.
724
00:41:09,467 --> 00:41:11,427
I went, "What the fuck is this?"
725
00:41:11,510 --> 00:41:13,512
"They've got a 24-hour buffet."
726
00:41:14,096 --> 00:41:15,723
She goes, "Yeah, they got a buffet,
727
00:41:15,806 --> 00:41:18,225
but you don't know
how far away your room's gonna be."
728
00:41:20,394 --> 00:41:23,189
That response has haunted me every day.
729
00:41:25,566 --> 00:41:26,901
And cruises dock.
730
00:41:26,984 --> 00:41:30,321
It's the most embarrassing thing.
They dock. They let the people out.
731
00:41:30,821 --> 00:41:32,239
And they dock on these islands.
732
00:41:32,323 --> 00:41:35,451
These islands are like
third-world hellscapes.
733
00:41:37,411 --> 00:41:40,414
Except for, like, 10% of them,
which is owned by the cruise line,
734
00:41:40,498 --> 00:41:41,874
so it's like… it's a beach.
735
00:41:42,541 --> 00:41:46,086
But then to get to that,
they gotta take you through the 90%
736
00:41:46,170 --> 00:41:48,464
that's utterly terrifying.
737
00:41:49,173 --> 00:41:50,466
And they try to distract you.
738
00:41:50,549 --> 00:41:53,552
They put you on a golf cart
and they're like, "Where are you from?"
739
00:41:55,137 --> 00:41:57,973
And you're just seeing shoeless guys
run into the woods.
740
00:41:58,641 --> 00:42:01,352
You can't even talk.
You're just pointing. You're like…
741
00:42:05,648 --> 00:42:07,191
Then you get to the beach.
742
00:42:07,274 --> 00:42:08,901
They're like, "Isn't it pretty?"
743
00:42:09,652 --> 00:42:11,487
You're like, "Was that a civil war?"
744
00:42:12,947 --> 00:42:14,532
"What the fuck is going on?"
745
00:42:16,242 --> 00:42:17,910
But they are people's homes.
746
00:42:17,993 --> 00:42:21,580
These islands are people's homes.
I don't even know why this is allowed.
747
00:42:22,081 --> 00:42:23,958
Why is it allowed? How did it start?
748
00:42:25,209 --> 00:42:28,837
One day, one of these demon companies
like Carnival or Royal Caribbean
749
00:42:28,921 --> 00:42:31,799
just landed on an island,
and they were like,
750
00:42:33,592 --> 00:42:35,302
"There's one by the trees."
751
00:42:38,222 --> 00:42:40,224
"Hey, buddy. Hi. How are you?"
752
00:42:40,933 --> 00:42:42,851
"We know this is your home,
753
00:42:42,935 --> 00:42:46,564
but every half hour, a floating country
is gonna pull up outside."
754
00:42:47,356 --> 00:42:48,524
"Fat people…"
755
00:42:49,024 --> 00:42:51,151
"Fat pe… Fat."
756
00:42:51,235 --> 00:42:53,237
"Like five of you. Fat people."
757
00:42:54,071 --> 00:42:57,074
"They're gonna get off that,
and they're gonna buy magnets."
758
00:42:58,576 --> 00:42:59,618
"Magnets."
759
00:42:59,702 --> 00:43:02,871
"They're things that stick
on the thing you don't have."
760
00:43:04,039 --> 00:43:07,876
"Now, do you wanna sell 'em those magnets,
or should we kill you?"
761
00:43:08,377 --> 00:43:09,253
"What do you want?"
762
00:43:11,505 --> 00:43:15,092
Covid's over. Everything's over.
The world might be over. Uh…
763
00:43:17,886 --> 00:43:20,347
You'll be hiking. You people don't care.
764
00:43:24,935 --> 00:43:27,479
Just hike, like fucking coyotes.
765
00:43:30,983 --> 00:43:32,318
"Look at the star."
766
00:43:38,198 --> 00:43:42,036
I get worried about getting kicked off
the Internet. I say wild shit.
767
00:43:42,119 --> 00:43:45,539
I've never been kicked off
Twitter or Facebook or YouTube, but…
768
00:43:46,457 --> 00:43:49,710
I'm permanently banned
from a little website
769
00:43:49,793 --> 00:43:51,211
called Airbnb.
770
00:43:52,504 --> 00:43:53,672
Yeah.
771
00:43:53,756 --> 00:43:54,882
Yeah, baby!
772
00:43:57,593 --> 00:44:01,138
And that does not make you
sound like a badass.
773
00:44:02,181 --> 00:44:06,060
If you get kicked off Twitter,
people are like, "That guy's a badass."
774
00:44:06,143 --> 00:44:08,854
If you tell someone
you can't use Airbnb, they're like,
775
00:44:09,521 --> 00:44:12,066
-"What's going on with you?"
776
00:44:12,149 --> 00:44:14,568
"Did you leave a fetus in the microwave?"
777
00:44:14,652 --> 00:44:16,737
-"Who gets kicked…"
778
00:44:17,905 --> 00:44:19,031
I got in a fight.
779
00:44:19,531 --> 00:44:22,701
I got in fight with these two women.
They happened to be lesbians.
780
00:44:22,785 --> 00:44:24,244
I called them "dykes."
781
00:44:24,328 --> 00:44:27,039
I am a gay faggot.
782
00:44:27,122 --> 00:44:30,501
I should be able to call them "dykes."
783
00:44:34,171 --> 00:44:37,174
That's why we fought the Civil War.
784
00:44:38,509 --> 00:44:40,761
And they live in the desert.
They're desert dykes.
785
00:44:40,844 --> 00:44:43,013
That's a different breed of dyke.
786
00:44:43,681 --> 00:44:47,101
Because it is very hard
to eat pussy in the sands.
787
00:44:48,852 --> 00:44:51,730
Now these clamdiggers
rented me their house.
788
00:44:53,774 --> 00:44:56,610
And I made a fish dinner,
and they didn't like the smell,
789
00:44:56,694 --> 00:44:57,903
ironically.
790
00:45:00,531 --> 00:45:02,700
And then they accuse me
of breaking a cactus.
791
00:45:02,783 --> 00:45:04,827
I'm like, "Why do you even have a cactus?"
792
00:45:04,910 --> 00:45:08,288
"Oh, 'cause it's dry
and it can't produce life."
793
00:45:08,372 --> 00:45:09,873
"You."
794
00:45:12,042 --> 00:45:14,294
I wrote that in the review.
795
00:45:17,881 --> 00:45:20,592
Then they said I threatened to kill them,
which is not true.
796
00:45:20,676 --> 00:45:22,720
I texted them, "I know where you live."
797
00:45:25,222 --> 00:45:27,933
I texted them,
"I hope your house doesn't burn down."
798
00:45:29,393 --> 00:45:31,061
Because of climate change.
799
00:45:31,854 --> 00:45:33,772
That little bitch was right.
800
00:45:33,856 --> 00:45:36,859
I forget her name. Gretelman,
Hansel and Gretel, Thunderman.
801
00:45:36,942 --> 00:45:40,946
Remember, that… that creepy little bitch
would come on TV?
802
00:45:41,029 --> 00:45:42,322
She was right.
803
00:45:43,323 --> 00:45:45,659
Dead-eyed little bitch,
she would come on TV,
804
00:45:46,326 --> 00:45:48,996
and she'd be like, "The Earth will burn."
805
00:45:49,496 --> 00:45:51,874
And you're like,
"What Lord of the Rings is this?"
806
00:45:51,957 --> 00:45:53,959
-"I don't like this."
807
00:45:54,042 --> 00:45:56,253
But she was right. It is hot.
808
00:45:59,590 --> 00:46:00,674
It's terrifying.
809
00:46:01,175 --> 00:46:04,470
A lot of people
are trying to make light of nuclear war.
810
00:46:04,553 --> 00:46:05,637
They're going, "Hey."
811
00:46:06,472 --> 00:46:07,723
"You know, if it happens,
812
00:46:08,766 --> 00:46:09,850
deal with it."
813
00:46:13,228 --> 00:46:15,606
Let's take it down a notch,
you know what I mean?
814
00:46:16,106 --> 00:46:17,316
Let's, you know…
815
00:46:18,192 --> 00:46:20,778
I'm worried, you know?
It's-- It's crazy out there.
816
00:46:21,653 --> 00:46:23,739
They keep bothering Joe Rogan
about his podcast
817
00:46:23,822 --> 00:46:25,324
when mine is so much bigger.
818
00:46:27,743 --> 00:46:30,204
So odd. So odd.
819
00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:38,128
That won't go in.
820
00:46:38,212 --> 00:46:39,296
Uh…
821
00:46:39,379 --> 00:46:41,548
No, I'm kidding.
We'll put it in. He's fine.
822
00:46:43,133 --> 00:46:46,595
We all called him that week.
Everybody's going at him. We call him.
823
00:46:47,262 --> 00:46:49,932
We're like, "You okay?" He's like…
"I'm fine."
824
00:46:54,394 --> 00:46:56,897
"Me and Elon Musk are on a rocket."
825
00:46:58,607 --> 00:47:00,901
I'm like, "All right. You're okay."
826
00:47:03,111 --> 00:47:05,155
"The vaccines are bad."
827
00:47:09,117 --> 00:47:12,287
He would just call you.
He'd call you at, like,30 at night.
828
00:47:12,371 --> 00:47:14,540
He'd be like…
"I have a friend."
829
00:47:16,208 --> 00:47:18,085
"His brother took the vaccine."
830
00:47:19,753 --> 00:47:20,754
"Dead."
831
00:47:28,136 --> 00:47:30,055
You'd be like, "That's fucked up. Um…"
832
00:47:31,181 --> 00:47:33,517
"Can I borrow $200,000?"
833
00:47:35,102 --> 00:47:37,604
Thank you guys so much.
You've been a lot of fun.
834
00:47:37,688 --> 00:47:39,857
-Thank you, Denver!
835
00:47:39,940 --> 00:47:42,526
You guys are amazing. Thank you so much.
836
00:47:42,609 --> 00:47:45,821
I really appreciate you guys coming out.
837
00:47:45,904 --> 00:47:49,241
Thank you so much. I appreciate it.
838
00:47:49,950 --> 00:47:51,660
See you later.
839
00:47:51,743 --> 00:47:53,328
See you on the Internet.