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[mellow electronic music plays]
[announcer] Denver, Colorado, are you ready for a show?
[audience cheering and applauding]
[announcer] You know him, you love him.
Please welcome to the stage
Tim Dillon.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Thank you, guys.
Thank you, Denver.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, Denver.
Thank you so much.
-[cheering and applause continues] Thank you.
That's enough. That's enough.
I like Denver
-because everybody's so athletic… -[audience chuckles]
…and good-looking. It's true.
But when you look in their eyes, something's wrong.
[audience laughs]
You know what I mean?
There's just something off about them.
There's a glaze about them.
[audience laughing]
"You wanna go up to the mountain?"
"No, I don't. No, I don't."
"No, I do not."
I grew up white trash.
And I know, Colorado, you're like, "What's that?" [chuckles]
How could you relate?
[audience laughs]
We were… We were white trash.
We were so white trash, we used to go to Pizza Hut and dine in.
-[audience cheering] -We ate inside of a Pizza Hut.
And if you've been there, you know you're the only family there,
and there's just a mentally challenged guy with a fake vacuum.
[audience laughing]
They only give that to him so he doesn't touch himself,
and it doesn't work.
He gets in there.
[audience laughing]
Pizza Hut has a salad bar.
It's just a bowl of ranch dressing. People just dunk their head right in.
And then go right back to their seat.
[audience laughing]
And my parents would bring me there to quiz me about school.
My mother's like, "You're failing math."
I have half a stuffed-crust pizza in me. I'm like…
-[breathing heavily] -[audience laughing]
"We're all failing."
"We're in Pizza Hut at 3:00 p.m."
"That's not even a meal. We're gonna eat later, you sick bitch."
[audience laughing]
"I'm your only son. What the fuck is wrong with you?"
[audience laughing]
Now we want woke fast food.
That's the goal.
That's the goal. Used to be healthcare.
[audience laughing]
A few years ago, we're like, "We'd like healthcare."
The government's like, "Yeah, what kind?"
Fuck. Sh…
Fuck. Something with an H? I don't…
[audience laughing]
Now we're just gonna settle for politically correct poison.
Let's make sure IHOP is on the right side of history.
[audience laughing]
There's all these debates now between the fast food companies.
"Where does Chick-fil-A stand on fisting?"
Who gives a fuck?
Get the sandwich and go home.
It's a drive-through. You're supposed to drive through
and not even admit you were there.
[audience laughing]
When's the last time you left a drive-through and you're like,
"I hope I'm on the same page with all of them"?
[audience laughing]
"I hope the gnarled hand giving me that quesadilla
shares my values."
"Does that bearded woman with an eye patch feel the same way I do about Israel?"
[audience laughing]
"If not, I'm throwing this sandwich on the floor."
[audience chuckling]
There's only one political question
that is appropriate when it comes to fast food.
"Is the sauce in the bag?"
That's it.
[audience cheering]
That is it.
[cheering and applause]
I don't care if you're a neo-Nazi. You work at Sonic.
How much damage can you do?
[audience laughing]
I don't care if you're denying the Holocaust as I pull up to the window.
I'll ignore you.
The window opens. You're like, "It wasn't really six mil--"
"Are there six sauces in the bag?"
"Thank you." And get out of there.
[audience chuckling]
Papa John.
[audience laughing]
Papa John said the N-word. That's not good.
But it's not false advertising
because the Venn diagram of people who eat Papa John's
and people who use that word… [chuckles]
One circle.
[audience laughing and applauding]
That is market research.
They call you up. "What'd you have for dinner tonight? Papa's? Okay."
"Say it." They know.
[audience laughing]
They know who their people are.
If you heard what they were saying at Little Caesars,
you would beg them to use racial slurs
because they're talking about using food they found on the floor.
I ate in Little Caesars once. I threw up blood for 48 hours.
[audience laughing]
It's true.
Little Caesars markets their food directly to the homeless. It's a fact.
[audience laughing]
Watch their commercials.
They're like, "Little Caesars. If you're in the area, we have hot food."
[audience laughing]
What CEO was like, "Just let 'em know it's hot."
[audience laughing]
"Who cares what's on the menu?"
"Tell 'em it's warm, they'll come in." [chuckles]
What demographic is that for? I think I know.
[audience laughing]
So, what are we…
Yeah, what? You have a question?
[audience laughing]
"Indica or sativa?"
Here's the problem with your shitty state.
[audience laughing and applauding]
Here's the problem.
[audience cheering]
Here's the problem with your embarrassing, uh, city.
[audience laughs]
This city is one bad mayor from being Portland, by the way.
-You're one… You're one bad mayor away. -[audience cheering and applauding]
You're one city council member from being Seattle.
Just horrible.
"Indica or sativa?"
[audience laughing]
I bought a house in Texas during the quarantine,
and, you know, Texas is different.
I moved to Austin. There's a lot of homeless people in Austin.
There are so many homeless people in Austin,
Joe Rogan is no longer hunting deer.
[audience laughing]
Just to give you an idea.
And all they give a fuck about is barbecue.
All they care about is barbecue. It's embarrassing.
And you never feel like a fatter piece of shit
than when you order barbecue because they only sell it by the pound.
And I don't know what anything means.
A woman's like, "How many pounds of pork do you want?"
I'm like, "I don't know. Four?"
[audience laughing]
Then it gets there in a cooler. I gotta walk it out.
I'm like, "God damn it."
[audience laughing]
"Fuck."
I gotta eat it on a garbage-can lid in an alley,
staring at a homeless guy.
I'm like, "I should share this, but it's America."
-"You'd better earn it." [chuckles] -[audience laughs]
"You'd better earn it. You have a knife?" And many of them do. You know, it's…
[audience laughing]
I get pulled over a lot
because I have California plates on my car,
and people in Texas don't like that.
And sheriffs in Texas hate it.
And…
And I've never gotten one ticket. I've been pulled over four or five times.
I've never gotten one ticket because I know exactly what to say
to a sheriff in Texas.
When they pull you over, they don't ask for your license and registration.
They just start talking.
It's terrifying.
Like, one guy pulled me over. He goes, "California, huh?"
[audience laughs]
"What are you and all your friends doing here?"
[audience laughs]
That's when I know exactly what to do. I get aggressive. I hang out the window.
I'm like, "You know what I'm doing here, sir?"
"I'm a little sick of liberals. Can I speak freely?"
And he goes, "Yes, you can."
[audience cheering and applauding]
I go, "I may say some things that are politically incorrect."
He goes, "The floor is yours."
[audience laughing]
I go, "I think you should build a wall around Texas."
He loves the word "wall." He eases off the gun.
[audience laughing]
I go, "Build a wall, and if anyone from California tries to get in
and you find out they ever voted for a Democrat,
you just kill 'em and you kill their kids."
[audience laughing]
He looked at me. He went, "You were going 115 miles an hour."
"But you know what?"
"Get on home."
[audience laughing]
And I was like, "Thank you, sir. Heil Hitler." You know, just…
[audience laughing]
…make a local connection.
Connect locally.
It's important to connect.
When this pandemic started, everybody thought it was gonna be fun.
Everybody had pajamas on. They were like, "It's a snow day."
[audience laughing]
There was a very white-bitch, yoga energy, you know?
[audience laughs]
"The Earth is healing. Just listen."
"The Earth is healing. Just breathe."
"The dolphins are back."
[audience laughs]
"Oh, the dolphins are back." It started with "The dolphins are back."
It ended with a guy in a Viking helmet trying to kill Pelosi with a pen.
[audience laughing]
I was like, "This has been a real journey."
[audience laughing]
I used to argue with my friend a lot in the beginning of this.
She's very progressive, very far out, but that's cool.
But I look at politics now like I look at swimming in the ocean.
If you're too far out, I'm like, "They can't even get back
if they want. Huh."
[audience laughs]
"We gotta send someone after them. They're, uh… They're gonna be in trouble."
And she's a consultant,
which is a ridiculous way to earn a living.
And nobody was affected less than consultants over the last two years.
They sent four emails.
They checked in, they followed up, they touched base,
they circled back.
[audience laughing]
That's all they did.
-That's all they did. -[cheering and applause]
And we would argue. She'd be like, "Why do people care about lockdowns?"
I'm like, "Some of them need to leave their house to do their job."
She'd be like, "Well, fuck that."
"We're having so much fun, sitting at home, watching Disney+."
I'm like, "You're 36. You don't have any kids."
"If you're watching Disney anything, you should go to jail."
[audience laughing]
Yeah. Disney movies suck.
They don't hold up.
What's Beauty and the Beast… What's Beauty and the Beast even about?
A chick who fucks a dog?
[surprised laughter]
And it's okay because a teapot says, "Yeah, go fuck that dog."
[audience laughing]
"Go suck that animal off, and I'll sing about it with a fork."
[audience laughing]
It's immoral, and it's wrong.
[audience laughs]
And if you don't have kids, stay the fuck out of Disney World, please.
Don't be the Disney couple.
Be the junkie couple.
The junkie couple doesn't bother anybody.
You never see them on Instagram, like, "Ahh."
[audience laughing]
All the junkie couple does is walk fast. All they do. Just walk fast, like this.
Big jackets, across a highway, walking fast.
[audience laughing]
But the Disney couples, on Instagram with lightsabers.
[audience laughing]
It's like, "We get it. You don't fuck. It's fine."
-[audience laughs] -"It's fine."
And if you don't have kids, stay the fuck out of Disney World.
It's not for you.
It's designed for fucking kids. Well, not fucking…
You know what I meant.
But also, there's an argument about that, but here's the point.
-[audience laughing] -It's designed for children.
If you're a reasonably intelligent adult,
you should walk into Disney World, and within three minutes, you should go,
"Oh."
"That's not Mickey Mouse." [scoffs]
"That's a guy in a suit
with a rash that's bleeding, probably."
[audience laughing]
The Magic Kingdom is not a real kingdom.
If it was, our country would have bombed it years ago.
[audience laughing]
We'd be torturing Goofy right now.
Lit cigarette to scrotum, just…
[sizzling]
[audience chuckles]
I hate Disney World because my boomer, piece-of-shit parents
went there to save their marriage.
They ruined my first trip to Disney World trying to save their loveless marriage.
My father said to my mother on the plane, loudly so people could hear,
he went, "Hey, if we can't be happy here,
let's just call it."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "No pressure!" [chuckles]
"Splash Mountain? Yeah?"
[audience laughs]
They fought so bitterly during the character breakfast
that none of the characters would come near our table.
[audience laughs]
My father had to look at my mother and go, "Will you shut the fuck up
so these things will come over here?"
He called them "things."
And now that I'm older, I realize they are things. [chuckles]
But when you're young, you want a little magic.
I do feel bad for the Make-A-Wish kids
who wanted to go to Disney World but couldn't because of the pandemic.
I also feel bad for their parents
because kids can be frustrating even when they're sick.
[audience laughing]
The kids are like, "I wanna go to Disney World!"
And you're like, "I've explained this to you
nine fucking times."
"Can you get this through your bald head?"
[audience laughing]
"Disney World is closed."
"Why? Why is it closed?"
"Because there's a sickness."
"I have a sickness."
[sighs]
[audience laughing]
"But yours isn't trending."
[laughs]
"Yeah."
"No one cares about yours!"
[surprised reactions]
"Well, is there anything open? Is there anywhere we can go?"
"Yes, get in the car. We're gonna go see Candice Owens. Get in the car!"
"We're going to an Open America Up rally with Candice Owens."
I got vaccinated in a CVS.
And the woman who did it goes, "Why don't you hang out for 15 minutes?"
I said, "Why?"
She goes, "In case you have a seizure."
[audience laughing]
I said, "What the fuck are you gonna do if I have a seizure?"
"You make nine dollars an hour."
[audience laughing]
"Are you gonna put a coupon in my hand?"
"Hey, thanks for coming in."
"Thanks for coming in. 20% off deodorant."
[audience laughs]
"Thank you so much for coming in."
Let me die in my car.
[audience laughs]
Like an American citizen.
Let me die in a Dairy Queen drive-through, trying to grab a Blizzard.
[audience laughing]
I had no problem getting the vaccine.
The news was like, "Covid's a holocaust of fat people."
-[audience laughs] -And I'm fat and I have money.
Everybody in LA that was fat and had money,
we were trying to cut the line.
Me and Lizzo were in the car, like this.
"Let's go."
"Fuck these kids with cancer. We got careers."
[audience laughs]
"Hit me, Doc."
We were all pulling up with Taco Bell wrappers in the car,
smoking a blunt, like, "Come on."
"Let's get healthy. Hit me."
"Hit me. Come on."
"I'm being responsible. I'm gonna change my life now."
[audience chuckling]
And I'm not worried about Covid. I've already had it.
I got it after I was vaccinated
because that's how you get it.
-[chuckles] -[audience laughs]
They leave that out, you know?
[audience laughs]
We'll figure that out in a few years.
[audience laughs]
Joe Rogan sent a nurse to my house
as soon as he found out I had Covid.
It was so sweet.
But, you know, it was Texas.
So it wasn't really a nurse, it was, like, a QAnon retard…
[audience laughing]
…who had never been to medical school at all.
She walked in. She's like, "Honey, all you can do is pray."
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "What the fuck?"
"You better put Ivermectin, or whatever it is, in my ass right now."
"You better do something right now."
[audience chuckling]
It's weird that we had this global pandemic,
but the way we dealt with it was very local.
That was never better evidenced
by when you told a doctor that you were being vaccinated
in different parts of the country.
In New York and LA, if you were like, "Hey, I'm fully vaxxed,"
a doctor would be like,
"Yas, bitch!"
"You're a silly whore."
"You're a dirty little cum slut, that's what you are."
[audience laughing]
They got so excited.
But I told my doctor in Texas I was vaccinated.
He looked at me, he was like,
"Okay."
[audience laughing]
And then, I swear to God, he goes,
"When you get out of here,
I want you to go to a website that really explains what's going on."
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Why don't you explain what's going on?"
"I'm here in your office."
[audience laughing]
He goes, "Okay. The Jews killed Princess Diana."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "I have a head cold." He goes, "I know. I'm getting to that."
"I'm laying the foundation. Bear with me."
[audience chuckling]
Tough year for nurses, so I've heard.
And… [laughs]
Are there any nurses here?
-[cheering] -Yeah? Fuck you too.
[audience laughing]
No, we're kidding. Thank you.
They're heroes.
But all nurses can't be heroes.
It's statistically impossible.
My cousin is a nurse.
She got the job to steal Percocet.
[audience laughing]
She told me that to my face.
[audience laughs]
She goes, "Yeah, when it's late-stage cancer,
I do one for you, one for me."
[audience laughing]
That's not heroic at all.
No, in fact,
never call anyone a hero.
It fucks with their head.
Teacher, firefighter, cop. No more heroes.
It does something to people.
If somebody saves your life tonight,
go, "Hey, thanks,"
and move on.
[audience laughs]
Just get out of there.
You call 'em a hero, they start pissing in your mouth.
"Yeah. You like that?"
"That's hero juice."
"That's what heroes do."
We called nurses heroes.
Five minutes later, they're TikToking with dead bodies.
[audience laughing]
I know it was a rough gig.
I just wanted a little suffering in silence.
That's all.
Just keep it in.
I didn't need you on Facebook Live every five minutes, crying.
[sobbing]
"Okay."
"They brought a woman in last night. She had her whole life ahead of her."
"She was 96."
[audience laughing]
"And we spent a million dollars to keep her alive
for 24 hours
so that she could gargle her last, probably racist, words."
[audience laughing]
It's killing racists. We know that for a fact.
-[audience chuckling] -[man] Yeah!
What happens when you get Grandma off the ventilator?
She's gonna start saying nice things about the trans community?
[audience laughing]
I mean, walk this out in your head.
"Grandma, welcome back."
[growling]
[audience laughing]
"Grandma, do you know what a non-binary person is?"
[growling]
"Grandma, what's someone that's not a man or a woman?"
"A demon."
"No! No, Grandma!"
"Mask her. Mask her now."
"Put her back on the tube. Put her back on."
"Until she learns."
[audience laughing]
"Grandma's going back on the tube until she learns."
[audience laughs]
And I'm not one of these people that didn't think it was real.
I knew it was real. My mother was in a nursing home in New York.
And we were terrified
that she would not die of this disease.
[audience laughs]
She's 300 pounds and asthmatic.
I was calling the doctor myself, going, "Choke the bitch out."
[audience laughs]
What is going wrong?
[audience chuckles]
Her nursing home's littered with dead bodies.
My fat mother is fine somehow.
She's just sitting in her bed with a Trump hat on, trolling.
[audience laughing]
[scattered cheering]
My mother's roommate died of Covid.
My mother did not even get it.
She didn't even know her roommate was dead.
[audience laughing]
My mother just kept yelling at her. "Elizabeth!"
"Put on Tucker."
[audience laughing]
"It's eight o'clock, Elizabeth."
"Put on Tucker."
[audience laughing]
The nurse comes in and goes, "Patty, Elizabeth is dead."
My mother goes, "Can you put on Tucker?"
[audience laughs]
So she deserves to die. That's my point.
[audience chuckling]
Andrew Cuomo, the governor of New York,
no matter what you may think of him,
did a really nice thing.
He did a genocide of the elderly.
-[audience laughing] -He did.
And no one cared.
Then he made a woman uncomfortable at a Christmas party,
and they're like, "Now you're out of here! Now you go."
They had to step over bodies to tell him that.
"Now you go."
[audience laughing]
But they got him out of office before he could kill my mother!
Which is all I wanted.
[audience laughs]
It wasn't only regular people that got fucked
over the last couple of years.
The elites got fucked too.
This is true.
Last year, Hillary Clinton had a podcast.
[audience laughs]
That is not the way she thought her life was gonna go.
[audience laughs]
She thought she was gonna be the leader of the free world.
Last year, that bitch had my job.
[audience laughing]
-I… [chuckles] -[cheering and applause]
Yeah.
Yeah. What a miscalculation on her part.
[audience laughs]
And all her enemies wanted her in jail. They're like, "Lock her up!"
I'm like, "She's reading ads for Stamps.com."
[audience laughing]
"She knows it's over." [chuckles]
"I think we got her."
[audience chuckling]
We had…
We had riots last year,
and everybody watched the riots like Netflix.
Everybody was just glued every day, like…
"Honey, get in here."
[audience laughs]
"They got to Trader Joe's." [chuckles]
[audience laughing]
"I know. There's no parking. Fuck it. Watch it burn."
[audience laughing]
"And the staff sucks. I hope they're burning alive right now."
[audience laughs]
"They're using a man as a battering ram to get into Macy's. Take a look at that."
"No, it's peaceful. Relax."
[audience laughing]
It was fun to see the news anchors have to keep saying "peaceful"
no matter what happened behind them.
It's just fun. It's just fun to watch.
Things are burning down. They're like, "The level of peace that I feel."
[audience laughs]
They're getting stabbed. They're like, "This is an isolated incident."
"I'm learning a lot right now. I'm learning a lot."
[audience chuckles]
I get it. I get why people were mad.
Cops were doing fucked-up shit and it was all on camera.
And I know there's some good cops.
And I have to say that because I look like a cop,
and I don't look like a good one.
[audience laughing]
Uh… [chuckles] No, no, no, no, no.
[audience laughing]
I do not look like a cop you would want
in a high-pressure law-enforcement scenario.
[audience laughing]
In fact, I look like a cop that walks around all day like this.
"Hey, what's going on?"
[audience laughing]
"Who's this? Your son? What's up, buddy? How are you?"
"What happened? Blew a tire?"
"Yeah, I'm local law enforcement, here to help."
[audience laughs]
"Oh yeah, she's loaded. We're always ready to dance." [chuckles]
"You want me to call anybody? You need something?"
"You need something?"
[audience laughing]
Everyone I know who became a cop
should not have become a cop.
-[audience laughs] -It's a fact.
Everyone I know and everyone you know. Let's be honest.
[scattered applause]
That's how I remind my friends. I'll call my friends from high school.
I'm like, "Remember John with the black hair?"
They're like, "What?" I'm like, "From biology."
"He used to spit on the disabled girl."
-[gasps] -[audience laughing]
"John!"
"Tall. He threw her wheelchair over the fence. John!"
-[audience laughs] -"Yes."
"He's the chief of police."
[audience laughing]
"Right now."
[audience chuckling]
It's interesting, you know?
[audience chuckling]
Now everything's about kids.
Everything's about what the kids are learning.
"What are they learning, the kids? What are they teaching children?"
My parents are boomers.
They could not have given a fuck less about what I learned ever.
My father walked me to the bus stop on my first day of school.
I said, "What school am I going to?" He goes, "I don't know, son. Uh…"
-[audience laughs] -And then walked away.
Now these parents are stampeding fucking…
They're going into fucking, you know, PTA meetings with guns, like,
"What are you teaching the kids?"
[audience laughing]
And I don't know what's going on.
Are they teaching two-year-olds about gender theory? Maybe. I don't know.
There's always one school that they find in, like, San Francisco.
[audience chuckles]
There's always one school they use as an example,
where the teacher's in front of the kids, and she's like, "This is my labia."
[audience laughing]
"And tonight, I'm gonna make it a cock."
[audience laughing]
"And your homework is to name my new cock."
[audience laughing]
And you go, "That is a bit much."
[audience laughing]
"That is excessive."
[audience laughing]
Then, like everything else in our country, it swings crazy left to crazy right.
Florida's got a new bill. People call it the "Don't Say Gay" bill.
One of the provisions in this bill, that they dropped,
was that teachers were gonna have to out kids as gay
to their parents within six months,
which is horrible,
but hilarious…
-[gasps] -[audience laughs]
…when you think of the calls the teachers would have to make.
[audience laughing]
"Hey, Mr. Morris, how are you? Yeah."
"I'm Todd's English teacher."
"Yeah, he's doing great. No, no problems. He's doing great."
"He is very close with another boy, though."
"They laugh a lot. They take the bus together."
"Oh, that's his brother!"
"Okay. No, nothing, nothing. Ah…"
[audience laughing]
"Nothing at all. How are you? Are you good?" [chuckles]
"Yeah, I'm just checking up on everybody."
[audience laughing]
I would call. I'd give it no context.
"Hey, Mrs. Miller."
"Your daughter's a les."
[audience laughing]
Let them figure it out.
[audience laughing]
You know?
It also makes teachers look horrible, you know?
"I watched your son jerk off with his friend. I think they're gay."
"No, I did. I-I filmed it. I knew you wouldn't believe me."
"Do you wanna see it? It's my job."
"No, it's my job."
"I'm a teacher."
[audience laughing]
Young people are interesting.
They care about their mental health a lot, which is good.
They take mental-health breaks. They do.
They go,
"Not today. Ah…"
[audience laughs]
"I can't do it today, and I don't even know when I could." [chuckles]
-[audience laughs] -"I don't even…"
The bitch did it at the Olympics!
[audience laughing]
She went to the Olympics,
and she went,
"Yeah, not today."
-[audience laughs] -"Yeah."
And then everybody's like, "That's what a real champion does."
[audience laughs]
I'm like, "Well, I'll do that." [chuckles]
I'll walk around the gym with a cigarette, like, "Nah, not today."
[audience laughs]
"Nah, I'm protecting what's in here." [chuckles]
Hey, athletes. There is nothing in here. Do a flip.
-[chuckles] -[audience laughs]
Who is telling these athletes
they should be sentient people with thoughts and ideas?
Just do a flip!
-[audience laughs] -You're all stupid.
Every athlete is stupid.
It's true.
You have never sat next to an in-shape, ripped, hot athlete
and heard anything come out of their mouth and went, "Whoa."
[audience laughing]
"Wow. That's great."
"I never thought of it like that. You're a fucking…"
Do a flip.
[audience laughs]
That's what you're here to do.
[audience chuckling]
I should have held on to my AMC stock.
That much is clear.
I-I-I-I sold it. I let the community down.
You remember the big push with GameStop and AMC?
Some of you might have made a lot of money.
Not by the looks of it, but who knows?
[audience laughs]
It was the first stock that I ever owned.
Well, not technically.
My mother used to buy me and my father single shares of stock for Christmas.
She'd give us, like, a share of ExxonMobil
or a share of McDonald's.
Then we'd go to McDonald's, and she's like,
"It's kinda like we own this place."
[audience laughs]
And even at seven years old, I'm like,
"Man, I hope this bitch gets hit by a car."
[audience laughs]
"What a pointless bitch my mother is."
"Fuck."
[audience chuckling]
I went… I went hard into the AMC game.
I put 20 grand in.
My business manager flagged it immediately.
He called me. He's like, "What is this?"
But back then, I have so much confidence. I'm like, "What is this?"
[chuckles] "It's a revolution."
[audience laughing]
"We're gonna throw you off the balcony of that penthouse apartment you own."
"That's what this is."
"You got a horse in Malibu."
"We're gonna fuck it in front of your kids."
[audience laughing]
He's like, "You're down two grand."
I'm like, "Sell, sell."
[audience laughing]
"Sell."
"I love that horse. [chuckles] I'm kidding around."
[audience laughing]
But the American economy's on solid footing.
I know that because Justin Bieber just paid $1.2 million
for a picture of an ape.
[audience chuckles]
Yeah.
Every now and then,
I like to show that picture to a coal miner.
[audience laughing]
I drive into Pennsylvania coal country, and I pull over.
And there's a guy coming out of the mines, you know, coughing. [coughs]
I say, "Come here. Come on."
-[audience laughing] -"Come here."
"Take a look at this. You see this?"
He looks through his one good eye.
[audience laughing]
I say, "That's 1.2 million."
[audience laughing]
"Have a good day."
[audience laughing]
Then I get out of there.
Fun.
I'm worried about the Internet.
You used to be able to go on the Internet and have fun.
Now they kick everybody off.
There's a megachurch pastor in Houston named Joel Osteen.
[audience cheering]
Okay. Some of you are in a cult.
[audience laughing]
And he's here tonight! No.
[audience laughing]
It's a mass baptism! No.
[audience laughing]
There was a big flood in Houston a few years ago,
and Joel Osteen would not let any of those flood victims in his churches,
and people were very angry at him.
And I looked on Twitter and I saw that nobody was defending him.
[audience chuckling]
So I changed my profile picture to his church,
and I responded to the victims one by one.
[audience laughing]
And I said, "The last thing Joel needs is you and your wet baby in his church."
[audience laughing]
#waterrat. [chuckles]
[audience laughs]
We're having fun. It's fun!
[audience laughing]
And I'm not saying you can only have fun in fucked-up ways.
Here's a nice way to have fun.
Find your old teachers on Facebook.
[audience laughs]
They're always on Facebook, and they always remember you.
Write on their wall tomorrow morning. Go, "Do you remember me?"
They're gonna go, "Of course I do."
And then under that, write,
"What we had meant something to me."
[audience laughing]
If they try to get out of it, like, "Chemistry was fun,"
go, "No, you fucked me in the mouth."
[audience laughs]
Have your friends comment. "Why did you fuck him in the mouth?"
"Why? Why did you fuck him in the mouth?"
And what's funny about that
is you just ruined someone's life.
[audience laughing]
That's fun.
[audience laughs]
It's the Internet.
[audience laughs]
What's the big deal?
[audience laughing]
The media loves terror.
That's their whole rationale for existing.
That is their profit motive.
My favorite article about Covid was from the LA Times.
This was the headline, word for word.
"No symptoms? Negative test?"
"You're not out of the woods."
[audience laughing]
I rooted for every variant…
[audience laughing]
…because I just wanted to get out of family parties.
My family's Irish Catholic.
We suck, but we're fun.
Yeah, we're depressing, but we're fun.
You can even hear the sadness in the cheers.
[audience laughing]
[mockingly] Whoo!
[audience laughing]
But everybody who's fucked up is fun,
and everybody who's fun is a little fucked up.
You've never been out at a bar with a guy, and went, "This guy is amazing."
"He's so much fun. What's his deal?"
And someone's like, "Oh, he's a doctor."
It's always like, "This guy's great! What's his deal?"
"Let's talk outside."
[audience laughs]
"His wife faked her own death. She's fucking his brother."
"But he loves Fleetwood Mac. Look at him go."
[audience laughing]
"Look at him go. It's good. We're good."
[audience chuckling]
Irish people are fucked up. I can prove that. We don't have a cuisine.
We're the only country without a cuisine.
Ethiopia has a cuisine and no food.
[audience laughing]
Irish people are so fucked up,
they couldn't get ten entrées on a menu in all of human history.
[audience laughing]
We have one food. It's called Shepherd's Pie.
It's not even a food. It's a bowl of shit.
And it just gives you enough energy to hit your wife.
[audience laughing]
Which you shouldn't do.
But if she's Irish, you get one. Ahh.
[audience laughs]
Because they're animals, these women. Plaque psoriasis, rosacea, varicose veins.
Cigarette's ash in a seashell, sangria made at 11:00 a.m.
If they're over 40, they look exactly like me.
[audience laughing]
And they all dance like this.
-[audience laughing] -[man] Yeah!
"That's Aunt Sue. She has lupus."
[audience laughing]
Thanksgiving is the worst because we have to go around the table
and say what we're thankful for.
And nobody wants this. Nobody.
And we lie. That's how fucked up we are.
We lie about what we're thankful for.
We can't be honest. I wish you had to be honest.
You couldn't lie?
They get to my Uncle Bob.
They're like, "Bob, what are you thankful for?"
"I'm thankful I didn't get a DWI on Tuesday."
"I couldn't see through the dash."
[audience laughing]
"Thank God I did some coke earlier that night."
"When I'm coked up, I remember to signal. I can't get hard, but I signal."
"I pull into my driveway. I'm like, 'Maybe I can get hard.'"
"I start jerking my dick. I pass out."
"I hit my head. My kids find me, dick in hand, bloody head."
"But no DWI. I am so thankful for that."
[audience laughing]
But we don't have that.
We have my Aunt Carol being like, "I'm thankful for the seasons."
[audience laughs]
What the fuck does that even mean?
Your daughter's on heroin.
[audience laughing]
My cousin's on heroin, but it's the holidays. We let her have it.
We're like, "Ahh. Get in there."
"Get in that bathroom for 17 minutes." She walks out, like…
[audience laughing]
[audience continues laughing]
♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a… ♪
But she's not sensitive.
That's a nice thing about heroin addicts no one talks about.
She said to me, she's like, "Is that joke about me?"
I went, "Yeah."
[audience laughs]
She goes, "All right. Give me a cigarette."
[audience laughing]
Eye on the prize.
[audience laughing]
People think the American economy is powered by war. Perhaps.
[audience laughs]
Good argument to be made.
Some people think it'll be Bitcoin. I think it's cruises.
The cruise.
That is the indicator of economic health.
Americans will get on a floating toilet no matter what.
[audience laughs]
Covid came to America in a cruise.
The Grand Princess cruise. The first time you heard about Covid.
There was an outbreak. People were fighting over water.
They were shitting on the deck. Dying in their bunk.
Biggest story.
We wouldn't even let it dock. I didn't even know you could do that.
People from Miami were just walking outside, going…
[audience laughing]
You know what happened that week? Cruises sold out.
They sold out a year in advance. Because you know Americans.
They're watching that on the news every night.
They're watching those bodies stack up, and they're going… [chuckles]
"We're getting a deal."
[audience laughing]
"Honey, get the phone. We're going to Cancún for $32."
"Get the phone. You didn't marry an idiot. Get the fucking phone."
"We'll burn those bodies ourselves. See if that's a package."
[audience laughing]
The level of fat
on a cruise is confusing.
I took one cruise. I could have been a personal trainer on this boat.
[audience laughing]
People were coming up to me. They were like, "How do you do it?"
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "I walk occasionally."
[audience laughing]
One woman brought a cooler of food on the boat.
I went, "What the fuck is this?"
"They've got a 24-hour buffet."
She goes, "Yeah, they got a buffet,
but you don't know how far away your room's gonna be."
[audience laughing]
That response has haunted me every day.
[audience laughs]
And cruises dock.
It's the most embarrassing thing. They dock. They let the people out.
And they dock on these islands.
These islands are like third-world hellscapes.
[audience laughing]
Except for, like, 10% of them, which is owned by the cruise line,
so it's like… it's a beach.
But then to get to that, they gotta take you through the 90%
that's utterly terrifying.
And they try to distract you.
They put you on a golf cart and they're like, "Where are you from?"
[audience laughs]
And you're just seeing shoeless guys run into the woods.
You can't even talk. You're just pointing. You're like…
[audience laughing]
Then you get to the beach.
They're like, "Isn't it pretty?"
You're like, "Was that a civil war?"
[audience laughing]
"What the fuck is going on?"
[audience laughing]
But they are people's homes.
These islands are people's homes. I don't even know why this is allowed.
Why is it allowed? How did it start?
One day, one of these demon companies like Carnival or Royal Caribbean
just landed on an island, and they were like,
"There's one by the trees."
[clicking tongue]
"Hey, buddy. Hi. How are you?"
"We know this is your home,
but every half hour, a floating country is gonna pull up outside."
"Fat people…"
"Fat pe… Fat."
"Like five of you. Fat people."
"They're gonna get off that, and they're gonna buy magnets."
[audience laughing]
"Magnets."
"They're things that stick on the thing you don't have."
[audience laughs]
"Now, do you wanna sell 'em those magnets, or should we kill you?" [chuckles]
"What do you want?"
[audience laughing]
Covid's over. Everything's over. The world might be over. Uh… [chuckles]
♪ It's all ending ♪
You'll be hiking. You people don't care.
[audience laughing]
Just hike, like fucking coyotes.
[audience laughing]
"Look at the star."
[audience laughing]
I get worried about getting kicked off the Internet. I say wild shit.
I've never been kicked off Twitter or Facebook or YouTube, but…
I'm permanently banned from a little website
called Airbnb.
[audience cheering]
Yeah.
Yeah, baby!
[cheering and applause]
And that does not make you sound like a badass.
[audience laughs]
If you get kicked off Twitter, people are like, "That guy's a badass."
If you tell someone you can't use Airbnb, they're like,
-"What's going on with you?" -[audience laughing]
"Did you leave a fetus in the microwave?"
-[audience laughing] -"Who gets kicked…"
I got in a fight.
I got in fight with these two women. They happened to be lesbians.
I called them "dykes."
I am a gay faggot.
I should be able to call them "dykes."
[cheering and applause]
That's why we fought the Civil War.
[audience cheering]
And they live in the desert. They're desert dykes.
That's a different breed of dyke.
Because it is very hard to eat pussy in the sands.
[audience laughing]
Now these clamdiggers rented me their house.
[audience laughing]
And I made a fish dinner, and they didn't like the smell,
ironically.
[audience laughing]
And then they accuse me of breaking a cactus.
I'm like, "Why do you even have a cactus?"
"Oh, 'cause it's dry and it can't produce life."
"You."
[audience laughing]
I wrote that in the review. [chuckles]
[audience laughing]
Then they said I threatened to kill them, which is not true.
I texted them, "I know where you live."
[audience laughing]
I texted them, "I hope your house doesn't burn down."
[audience laughs]
Because of climate change.
That little bitch was right.
I forget her name. Gretelman, Hansel and Gretel, Thunderman.
Remember, that… that creepy little bitch would come on TV?
She was right.
Dead-eyed little bitch, she would come on TV,
and she'd be like, "The Earth will burn."
And you're like, "What Lord of the Rings is this?"
-"I don't like this." -[audience laughing]
But she was right. It is hot.
[audience laughing]
It's terrifying.
A lot of people are trying to make light of nuclear war.
They're going, "Hey."
"You know, if it happens,
deal with it."
[audience laughing]
Let's take it down a notch, you know what I mean?
Let's, you know…
I'm worried, you know? It's-- It's crazy out there.
They keep bothering Joe Rogan about his podcast
when mine is so much bigger.
[audience laughing and cheering]
So odd. So odd.
[cheering and applause]
That won't go in.
Uh… [chuckles]
No, I'm kidding. We'll put it in. He's fine.
[audience laughing]
We all called him that week. Everybody's going at him. We call him.
We're like, "You okay?" He's like… [high-pitched voice] "I'm fine."
[audience laughing]
[high-pitched voice] "Me and Elon Musk are on a rocket."
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "All right. You're okay."
[high-pitched voice] "The vaccines are bad."
[Tim laughing]
He would just call you. He'd call you at, like, 12:30 at night.
He'd be like… [high-pitched voice] "I have a friend."
[audience laughs]
"His brother took the vaccine."
[audience laughs]
"Dead."
[audience laughing]
[Tim laughing]
You'd be like, "That's fucked up. Um…"
[audience laughs]
"Can I borrow $200,000?"
[audience laughing]
Thank you guys so much. You've been a lot of fun.
-[cheering and applause] -Thank you, Denver!
You guys are amazing. Thank you so much.
I really appreciate you guys coming out.
Thank you so much. I appreciate it.
See you later.
See you on the Internet.
-[cheering and applause continues] -[mellow electronic music playing]