Shane's sick! He can't speak!
Anita, he lost his voice!
Comic-Con, big announcement,
Shane can't speak, I'm fuckin' freaking out, Anita!
Poor Shane. Poor Shane is poorly.
All right, Shane can't speak,
and he needs me to step up for Comic-Con.
Big announcements.
I'm going on stage and I need to keep my cool.
For context, here's my previous appearance from 2017.
Whoo! Whoo! Ha-ha-ha! Yeah!
San Diego, yeah!
Let's announce some movies!
Stories! Stories!
In fairness, it played good in the room.
Stories!
So, here's what I'll need.
A stylist, a haircut,
and a guy with a defibrillator on standby just in case.
All right? Let's go!
Shit just got fucking real.
Anita, I have a job for you.
Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?
Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?
Where is it? Where is-- There it is.
Can I get your eyes on my speech?
It's Shane's draft. I don't have time to go through it.
It has to be in my voice. Okay? Can you do that?
Sure. What else would I do with my master's in literature?
What a fucking angel. Thank you.
Got some major bombs to drop!
All right, so,
how do we stop me from getting overexcited, huh?
I'm psyched to hear your ideas. I'm psyched!
Uncle Pat's got some phases to announce, and it's content time! Yeah!
That, the whole punching air thing, cannot happen.
Let the content begin! Yeah!
Okay, everyone, Peter's last day.
Big sad day, yeah?
- Happy death day. You're late. - Yeah.
How's Peter doing? 'Cause we should be extra gentle with him today.
It could be quite a confronting day.
Morning, my favorite people, and how are you doing today?
- Oh, uh-- - Yeah.
Great. FYI, I'm expecting a very important call around 2:00 p.m.
for another franchise, so...
- Which franchise? - Uh, Saudi money.
- Bryan Singer's attached. - Oh.
I'm reading for the part of the time-traveling pharaoh,
which everybody says is the best part, so who knows?
Break a leg.
Bryan Singer's not a good guy.
I know today is Peter's day, and I'm sa-- so sad. Boo-hoo, he's gone.
But my piece is coming out later on.
The fashion one, it's like GQ "Men in Fashion."
It's really cool, it's like knitted sweaters in urban decay.
Cozy but important.
And my-- my team actually said that this can bring me
to the next level, over the edge.
I finally cusp, make the A-list. And when I cusp,
- I cusp hard, right? Bring it in. - Really?
On three, on cusp. One, two, cusp!
- Cusp. - Whoo.
Yeah, see you guys. Hey, guys.
- Hi. - GQ piece drops today.
Dan, Dave VFX is asking for a day off.
My hands are forming into claws from too much laptop.
Bloody hell, mate. You're turning into a VFX monster.
Hey? Franken-Dave!
Like the...
Yeah, I might be able to swing you a day off, yeah?
- Thank you. - All right.
So, there's an Armenian Reddit thread about the bridge.
I ran it through Google Translate. Apparently, I might be going to prison.
Dag, no one's going to prison.
And then I watched a doc, Inside Armenia's Toughest Prisons,
and let me tell you, pretty bloody tough.
Real eye-opener. Fucking terrifying.
Probably shouldn't have watched it.
Check this out. Centurios 2 emergency rewrites.
One hundred writers.
I don't think I've ever seen so many satchels.
Dan, Dag, can I, uh, panic on you in private?
Well, uh, Tecto is pulled. Tecto's pulled.
- Sorry? - Shane's Comic-Con speech? "Tecto pulled."
- Three question marks. - Wait, so he's just pulling it?
- We're cancelled? The whole movie? - I don't know, Dan.
Yes, maybe.
- Fuck me. - Look, if this shit goes down,
I am in producer jail.
Literal jail for me. Actual physical Armenian jail.
At least in real jail, you get three meals a day
- and a gym membership. - Shankings, though.
I just don't think that you get the shankings in producer jail.
Okay. Okay, we're gonna change his mind.
- Oh, great. How? - We just pitch to Shane direct, yeah?
So a whole new direction.
A tonal pivot, and instead of being dark and serious,
we're-- we're light and fun. Just like the original comics.
- What's all this? - Just doodlings.
Theoretically,
how I would make the movie if Eric were, you know, not around and I was--
- "The Kumar cut." - The Ku--
No one's calling it that. Are they?
Anyway, look.
We re-cut the first act using my ideas,
we animate new storyboards cut to music.
I think it's gonna take more than a Kumar cut.
Yeah, I know, Anita, but it's a moon-shot, okay?
Look. A hard plan to save the movie.
We re-cut the first act like it should be. Hmm?
Yeah. Okay. But we do need Eric on board.
Without a director, this looks just fuckin' hokey and chaotic.
All right, I'll talk to Eric. I'll get him on board. But we're good.
- Yeah, okay. - Can you get me Dave VFX?
- Smoking area. - Smoking area. Dave?
Dave! Hey!
- What is it, Dan? I'm on a screen break. - Nothing to worry about, mate, yeah.
- But that time off, yeah? - Yeah.
It is now cancelled 'cause I do need you to animate some new storyboards!
Yeah, you got 12 hours.
- Less. - You got four hours.
- More. - You got eight hours.
- Little less. - How many hours does he have?
- You've got six hours. - Great.
I believe in you, Dave. David Payne. The Payne brain!
I have pain in my brain.
This dry sense of humor.
All right, off you go. Six hours.
Dave is a slave.
But Dave's my fave slave!
Well, let's not.
- Okay, I'm gonna back-channel... - No.
...and get us a call with Shane.
Okay.
So, we save the movie, and then we focus on me,
because they use buckets in Armenian jails.
They're still on the bucket system.
They shit in buckets, Dan. I'm gonna be shitting into a bucket.
Rusty, shared buckets.
Eric. Sir, there's something I need to talk to you about.
Finally, I lost them all.
- My entire crew. - What?
Even catering. My porridge this morning?
- Aggressively cold. - Catering love you, Eric. We all do.
Can we just talk about... something... which I...
- Wow. - Lordy.
That's a shoelace.
Yeah, I-- I hear that they use them sometimes for seasoning
instead of a bay leaf. Yeah.
- Shall I? - Thank you.
Yeah.
I have a funny feeling that things are happening behind my back.
What? No.
No, no, no.
Look, it's just been a really tough week, yeah?
Daniel, my agents want to discuss what my career will look like post Tecto.
And it's my contention that what my career will look like
is a big pile of shit.
No. No way. Eric--
Daniel, this is why I'm pushing you so hard.
If Tecto fails, I have zero credit in my bank account.
And what is worse...
I'm a joke.
Like before.
The Cheese Man of Dusseldorf.
I can't go back. I would rather die.
No.
You are a big-time director, yeah? It's in your bones.
Everyone's 100 percent behind your movie.
I'm gonna make it happen, I promise.
I've got your back.
Extra honey, no laces.
Thank you, Dan.
So, did you tell him that you're re-cutting the film behind his back?
- Not yet. - Didn't think so.
Okay folks, let's head into the center of the earth.
Enclosed set. Cozy! Like a prison.
We're re-cutting the first act using all-new storyboards,
and we run this out of the DIT truck.
Eric doesn't know yet.
"The Kumar cut," or whatever.
Got it. We're lying to Eric again.
Becoming quite the habit.
Excuse me, Pinocchio.
Did the PA just become a real boy?
- Just do it, Jaz, please. Thank you. - Sorry. Yeah.
Okay, gather round, people.
A very big day, a very somber day for Peter.
For all of us.
- The death of Eye. - Finally, a piece of acting.
Great big meaty death scene.
Mortality. Yum!
We'll be exploding Peter's head practically, yeah?
Jaz, please.
There it is. There's my head.
My God, look at that thing. It's so lifelike.
Peter, can I put my finger in, have a fiddle?
- Wow, real teeth? - Of course.
- Come on, let me have a hold. - Mm, careful.
Ugh! Capillaries. That is gruesome.
Poor fucking wife has to wake up next to that.
So, Eye removes his helmet,
and then Peter, if you would be so kind to match the grimace
on the prosthetics, and eyeline to the ball, please.
Uh-huh.
Bit more.
More, more, more, more, more, more.
Yeah. No, less. Less, less.
No, no, much less. Less.
- It's like, ah... - No. Daniel, show him.
- He cannot see it. - Like this.
It has to be very, very precise.
- No, I cannot see it. - It's like this.
- Yeah. A bit more. - Like that.
Yeah. More. No, no.
No, less. Less.
I'm sorry. It's just not like the dummy head.
I'm a fucking actor!
A trained fucking actor from the RS fucking C!
And you've got me dressed in a fucking Japanese dressing gown,
grimacing into a fucking tennis ball!
Eyeline is important.
This is the worst fucking production of my entire career!
And trust me, there have been some shockers.
Fat Janitor to name but one.
Yeah! Wanna laugh at that? Go ahead! Nobody else did.
- I did. - That's it, I'm done.
I'm wrapped. You already scanned me.
Fix it in post.
That's a wrap on Peter Fairchild, everyone.
- Speech! - Got you all wrap gifts.
Jaz! Come in all different sizes.
There you go.
It says "Cunt" on the front. And on the back,
"This is a fair estimation of my ability and not an in-joke among friends."
- Mm, bit rude. - What's going on?
So fuck you all!
Goodbye and good fucking riddance.
Apologies. Reports of a breaking security incident.
Oh my God.
We're being asked to shelter in place.
- There's a man with a carpentry knife. - Oh shit.
What is this? Let me out. I just wrapped myself.
Sorry, are we locked in? Am I in prison already?
Oh my God!
The GQ article just dropped. Guys, check it out.
Check it out. Look at that.
Daniel, can you tell the crazy guy
that we have five more setups before lunch?
- Dan. Check it out. Fuck. - Okay, look, everyone. Guys.
It's not...
This is not our first rampage, is it?
Remember Suzie? The travel coordinator?
She went berserk, set fire to the makeup tent.
Just settle in. We're gonna be out in 20 minutes.
Suzie? Was she the goth one?
Donna was the goth one.
Speared a runner with a lighting stand.
God. I wonder who the maniac is.
Should we do a sweepstake, just for fun?
Bryson. I bet it's Bryson.
Do you know, I see that.
'Cause he's either the adorable grandson or the last face you'll ever see.
Possibly both.
If it's Bryson, we're already dead.
All of us. Mark my words.
I need to take this off. Can I, um, have your shirt, Dag?
- Thank you. - Does anybody have any water?
The actor's thirsty from all that shouting that you made me do.
You're all terrible bastards.
Approach set stage with caution. Suspect might be armed. Over.
Oh. Peter Fairchild.
Ooh, Bryan. Mr. Singer, sir. Hi.
Okay. Uh...
What about the other part? The clockwork butler?
Understood.
Jaz, get an update on my new opening.
They have to follow my notes exactly, okay?
And if they need Dave VFX to work faster,
just feed him a doughnut, play techno really loud.
One bucket for every 30 inmates.
And I'm being told that's actually relatively high for the region.
Yeah, Armenia is a bucket-rich environment.
Dag, I'm sorry, we can't waste a whole day worrying about you rotting in prison.
Got it. I talk too much.
This pretty little mouth is gonna get me in a lot of trouble.
Dan, I, uh... I back-channeled some time with Shane.
- You talk to Eric? - Yeah, I'm working up to it.
Now, Daniel. This needs to happen now.
D-- Da-- Dan, you got to look at the article, right?
- The high fashion piece I did? - Not yet, not yet.
It's, like, really... brilliant.
- Great. Excellent. I can't wait. - But, um, just quick question.
Does this sweater look too long to you?
It doesn't look like a dress, right?
Mm. No, it's... fine.
- It's just a sweater that's long. - Looks great.
Okay, 'cause this person on Twitter said
I looked like a hospice nurse on a dating show.
I can't see that myself.
Yeah.
And then this other person did one of those, like, "Who wore it best."
There's a picture of me and then Whoopi Goldberg.
Mate, I think, honestly, you win. Hands down.
'Cause Whoopi looks frumpy.
Yeah, I thought so too.
- And I should own it, right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can do it again and get a longer one
and then higher boots with-- Oh my G--
Get some horse riding boots. That would be great.
- Right. - Yeah, and I'd like Chalamet it.
Yeah, yeah, that'd be Chala-mazing.
- I'm not the punchline, Dan. - No.
- I'm not the butt of any joke here. - No.
I am cusping. I'm there. I know where I'm at.
- And I can taste-- taste it coming. - Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, and-- and when I go to the Oscars, you're gonna be my date.
- I'm serious. Yeah. - Okay, yeah.
Tecto's gonna catapult me, right?
- Yeah, yeah. - Thanks.
- I can't wait. It's gonna be great. - Yeah.
Eric, um, can we have a chat?
There's a situation with the studio.
Holy fuck, he's out there!
The knife-wielding maniac.
Oh my God, it's Dave. It's Dave VFX. He's gone loco in the coco.
Oh my Christ, I'm actually going to die.
The shankings have started early.
Poor Dave VFX. What did you do to him, Daniel?
Me? I asked him to do his job.
What if Dave killed Bryson?
What if Bryson killed Dave and now Bryson is wearing Dave?
Dave, mate. It's all right. You're not hearing voices.
And we can see you on camera. Hiya.
Yeah, look, I know... I know the biz can be tough, all right?
Trust me, I do. Just...
put the knife down.
It's not a knife, Dan! It's a pen.
I've stabbed myself with it
and now it's stuck in my leg and now I can't get it out.
Okay. Uh...
Well, that's both reassuring but also obviously very distressing.
Maybe try just pushing it all the way through?
- What? - That's terrible advice.
- Try. Put... - Dan!
I want something back, Dan.
For all the sacrifices I've made.
Okay mate, what are you asking for? Let me help you.
I want... I want you to change the title in honor of my daughter.
Instead of Tecto: Eye of the Storm,
Emily: Eye of the Storm.
No. No, no, no, no.
Yeah. I think we're all agreed.
- Uh, we'll... we'll do that. - No, no, no, no, no.
Tecto.
- Tecto: Eye of the Storm. - Yes, mate. Okay? We're all agreed here.
- We'll absolutely do that. - No--
Or Emily: Eye of The Emily. Any of those.
No, no, no. Dave. Dave. Easy, tiger.
I'm not compromising my title for anyone.
I am not negotiating with you, Eric!
Put Dan on. He's in charge.
He's the one keeping me away from my kids for the fucking Kumar cut!
"The Kumar cut?"
Daniel Kumar. Oh.
It's his last...
How was I supposed to re-render the opening act in six hours?
- Look, Eric... - The Kumar cut?
Eric, can I...
Eric?
Eric. The studio's gonna pull our movie. I was just trying--
- D... Dave? Dave? - Eric? Eric?
Dave, whatcha doing?
I'm lowering the rocks! Crushing you all.
- Eric, please. - Like you crushed me!
Okay, Dave, we've all just taken one step to the side
- and now everyone's fine, so... - Eric. Eric.
The studio's gonna pull us. We had to offer them something new.
- You went behind my back. - Yes, but only to help you.
You've been sabotaging me all along, haven't you, Dan?
- The shoelace, was that you? - N-- No.
- You let me veer off the rails. - Hang on, hang on.
I have sacrificed my life for your movie.
I just got the pen out of my leg!
Yay! Well done, Dave.
I have the Golden Leopard of Locarno, Daniel.
What do you have?
- I don't know. Nothing. - You're not a director, Dan.
You're just a schedule man who sometimes does this, yeah?
I saw you when you thought I wasn't looking.
Yeah, okay. I'd like to direct one day.
You wouldn't know how to frame a poster of the movie The Police Academy.
Or maybe, Eric, I just had a better idea.
Ah! The truth, yes. You think you're the better guy.
You think you're Mr. Bigshot, yeah?
You think you're fucking Spielberg.
Fucking Bong Joon-ho.
You don't have my brain, Dan.
No.
This... This is your brain.
And it's not a nice brain. Hmm?
Great.
You're just a bitter man because I'm making movies
and you gave up your life to stand there all day
and shout, "And we cut."
Thank you. Great.
I-- I thought you were gonna punch him.
What? And quit show business?
Update. Dave VFX has fled the stage.
We're, uh-- We're, uh, cleared to leave.
That's a wrap on Peter Fairchild.
By the way, Adam. Whoopi wore it best.
Why would you say that?
I don't know how to drive!
He stole the DIT truck.
There goes your new opening. We have no pitch.
We're done. We're done, yeah.
'Cause by the time I get paroled,
AI will have finally kicked in and taken all the work,
and we'll all be giving hand jobs in phone booths.
Only there aren't any phone booths anymore,
so we'll be doing it out in the open.
Giving open-air hand jobs for free in the metaverse.
- What a life. - Dan, you pitch it.
Fuck it. We do it without Eric, just the three of us.
Come on.
Yeah. Yeah.
Maybe just change your T-shirt first.
What? Oh.
Okay, let's tidy. Clean up a little.
- Oh my God, Dag. - Sorry. Sorry.
I'm dialing. Okay, everybody ready?
No, no, I'm not ready. I'm not ready.
No, no, no. You got this. This is in your wheelhouse.
This is your... your end act one and adventure begins, yes?
- Yeah. - Great.
I am connecting now.
Bryson?
Hey, guys. I caught a flight out to aid Shane's recuperation.
And my mom's, she's had a hysterectomy. Your fruit plate, sir.
Uh, great, Bryson. But we actually only have
a small window with Shane, so if you could just--
Sure, Anita. I was just giving you some color.
And my mom is fine. Thanks for asking.
You kick off your pitch, I'll relay his feedback.
Great, Shane, before you make a call on the future of Tecto...
Uh, as you can see, Eric's not here.
But actually, Dan has a real handle on this.
So he's gonna lead.
Uh, yeah, hi. Um, so Eric's not here, but he was thinking,
uh, a new tone.
Uh, like in act one,
don't play it for horror, play it for wonder.
So when Tecto falls into the Earth and he... and he finds his powers,
you know, he should be like...
- um... - You, uh, let me do it.
"Oh my God, something's shaking."
Yeah, and then he's got his earthquake powers.
Targeted reshoots, tandem unit, not expensive at all.
Yeah, and then into act two, The Invisible Jackhammer.
I think it can work, we just have to be more playful with it.
- So it's, you know, hammer time. - "It's hammer time!"
You know, yeah. We're gonna redo the score,
because a new score changes everything.
Oh. Yes, like that. But, uh, faster. And more exciting.
Also, just completely better.
And the composer is on an overall deal, so no additional funds needed.
We're gonna re-cut act three.
Gotta strip away the subtext.
We've gotta keep it simple. It's a buddy movie in space.
It's like nine days of re-shoots, max. We can bring this home for 300K.
- Is that all? - Look, I...
I am really into this. I am.
Tecto can be a new beginning.
Restore this franchise to what it was.
Uh, Shane's trying to speak.
Oh, he's... he's writing something down. Hold, please.
Uh, he's saying... he's saying...
he'd like some orange juice. With or without pulp, sir?
Show's over, guys.
Uh, Dan, Pat's asking everyone to gather on the apron.
Big announcement. Sounds serious.
Absolutely.
Time for the firing squad.
Dan. Dan, what are these rumors?
What-- What-- What's going on? What are-- Are we being pulled?
- Is Tecto being pulled? - Honestly mate, I don't know.
Don't-- Just tell me the truth.
- I d... - Am I done?
Is this-- I'm done. As an actor, I'm just done?
Hi, guys. Anita, we all here?
- Yeah. All met. - Yeah?
Okay.
Um, hello.
Uh, friends, women, craftspeople.
Due to circumstances elsewhere in the universe,
uh, this year at Comic-Con, I will be announcing
that Tecto is to be pulled... Jesus.
Excuse me.
It's like parsley or something. Um,
that Tecto is to be pulled forward to a summer tentpole release.
An unfortunate incident on Centurios 2 has suspended production indefinitely.
Oh my God.
Many Man. A pervert.
- What is happening? - No idea, Dag.
So we're promoting you to summer tentpole!
Uh-huh! Tecto has been chosen!
So congratulations to the man who made it all happen.
The genius! Our director, maestro Bouchard.
- Let's fuck! - Oh-ho-ho! Wow.
Congrats also to the new face of our summer tentpole,
Adam Randolph.
It's me! Oh God, it's happening! It's happening! Oh, fuck yeah!
Fuck yeah! I'm cusping so hard!
Also, to Mr. Peter Fairchild,
who has agreed to open up discussions possibly for a contract extension, huh?
I love you all. You're the greatest crew ever.
Class. All class, huh.
And, uh, to all the actors, the, uh, the-- the-- the woman one
whose name I'm totally blanking on right now.
- Quinn. - Finally,
there are people in the shadows who never get their names up in lights.
And we all know how important and brilliant they are.
Yeah. Looking at you, Daniel.
- Oh. Well... - Yeah.
I'm looking at you because I can't remember the name
of our production accountant.
- Lydia. - Linda!
Lydia! Linda! Whatevs.
- Okay. - Eat, drink, but do not be merry,
and instead return to your place of work.
We're tripling your budget. What else? We're halving your schedule.
The squeeze starts now!
Thank you. All right.
Come on, Tecto team!
Tecto team! Let's-- Tecto! Tecto crew!
What the hell!
- Oh my God. - Whoo!
Amazing how the universe works, isn't it?
Well, congratulations.
It was between you and Toxic Man 2 over who got bumped up to tentpole.
Guess your little call finally swung it.
Well, "In Shane we trust," right?
So I guess that means I've, uh, got a director who's wrong
for the new vision, right?
Let's see what the man says.
Shane. Hey, it's me.
Dag?
From legal. It's good news. No one's going to prison.
- Oh my God, really? - Yeah.
Well, so-- someone is going to prison, but it's, uh...
it's the demolition guy.
- Aw. - Tiny Pat, yeah.
Eight years.
Poor little guy.
Horrible. Maybe I should send him a gift of some kind.
A muffin basket.
Or a bucket. A muffin bucket?
- Yeah. - Okay.
So, it seems you've saved my movie.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm just glad to...
Unfortunately, the trust is irrevocably broken.
I can forgive, but I cannot forget.
I cannot continue working with you, Daniel.
I wish you the very best.
Oh.
Yorgos?
Dan, I am so sorry.
Nah. Yeah, well.
All right, well, I'm going to go home, uh,
have a lager in the shower maybe.
And raise my son. Not at the same time.
Good luck.
It's gonna be great. You're gonna be great.
Say goodbye to Anita from me.
Yeah.
Hey, mate. Yeah, now.
I'm gonna be home in time for, uh, the match.
Yeah.
So, listen, shall I get some ice cream?
All right mate, yeah. I'll see you in half an hour.
All right, bye.
Hey.
What, are you clocking out early?
- Pat, um, I've been fired. - Yeah, I know.
Shane just called.
He was pretty taken with your little pitch.
Oh.
Well, Pat, I've gotta get home.
Um, Eric hates me.
Who, the maestro? Sure. We'll see how that plays out.
Either way, we'll make something work.
I'll tell you something, Dan. Uh, every once in a while, not often,
you get to ask for exactly what you want.
Now, my boss, the God of the Universe,
wants for you to get out of your car.
So what's it gonna take?
Ladies and gentlemen,
- Mr. Pat Shannon! - Whoo! Whoo! Ha-ha-ha!
Yeah! Yeah! San Diego, yeah!
Ha-ha!
I got phases! I got lots of phases!
I'm gonna tell you all about phases.
Yeah! Get up!
Get up! Get up! Get up!
Yeah!
Stories! Stories!
Give it up for the writers! We got the best writers!
We got J.F. Brisenden!
Sky Caesar! Jake Green! What's up, Ky Brasey?
I got the Cobra, Garrett Leathey! What?
We sure do have Steve Griffiths!
My favorite, Dara Thomas!
That's a girl's name, and he's a guy!
Oh. Oh God. All right. I've got phases to announce,
but, you know, I gotta do it or it's gonna kill me, right?
It's gonna kill me!