Why in God's name would you invite Mason Elliot?
He does not invest. He devours.
-Where's Michael? -We broke up.
I'm not not pregnant.
-Can you feel that? -Yes. Yes, I can.
Do you ever get tired of people telling you
how much they love your food?
Never.
I forbid you to go anywhere near that man.
Forbid me?
* Somewhere *
* Beyond the sea *
* Somewhere waiting for me *
* My lover stands on golden sands *
* And watches the ships *
* That go sailing *
* Somewhere *
* Beyond the sea *
* She's there watching for me *
* If I could fly like birds on high *
* Then straight to her arms I'd go... *
Some say a culinary journey like this is art.
Others just call it pretentious.
This is the best thing I've eaten all year.
Now make it again...
...and make it better.
LEO: Marc Wilson,
heart as big as a bus,
using his brother's wedding as an excuse to see an old flame.
Said he knew the perfect venue, might get mates' rates.
I wish I could dislike this man more.
-Hello, stranger. -It's so good to see you.
Hi!
He's been talking about you the whole way down.
I also talked about the peacocks.
Please tell me they're not still around.
You can't still be scared of our peacocks, Marc.
-They can smell fear. -Is that true?
Well, settle in,
and we'll leave you in the capable hands
of our lovely assistant manager, Teresa.
I have to persuade Gina that our future
is spa-shaped.
GINA:
Well, it seems I've been promoted.
They might start paying me soon.
Trust me -- See this place in the flesh,
and you'll fall in love too.
Cupid would have to find nuclear weapons
to make me fall for a failed restaurant
you want to turn into a spa.
People shuffling about in toweling robes
eating gluten-free muesli, cucumber on their eyes?
No, thanks.
Tell me this isn't happening.
How could he do this to me?
Oh, come on, you can't take it personally.
You don't understand. I...
Everybody seems to have a man bun.
Or a trendy little hipster beard.
Even the women!
Ah.
You bastard!
What's going on?!
The thing with Cornish bubbly,
it tastes amazing, but it needs a catchy name like "cornsecco,"
or something less awful.
Do you mind if we have a little bit of privacy here?
We're trying to spy on you.
Don't you dare open that near me.
It'd be a lot easier for you to snoop
if we all go inside.
This is where your guests will eat too much,
drink too much, dance too hard.
We don't allow the funky chicken.
-Right? You have been warned.
I'll show you what we've got planned in the chapel.
But first I'm going to need to know everything
about what Sam was like at school.
Have you seen the movie "Grease"?
Well, think of me as Danny Zuko and her as Sandy.
That was basically it.
But instead of a hot rod, I drove a Nissan Micra.
I've been chasing this place forever!
We're all about connecting with nature.
Ah!
So we have a mission statement.
"Service will be perfectly choreographed,
dishes brought out from the kitchen
and finished at the table by the chefs themselves."
Mason Elliot, aren't you fancy.
Innovative, intricate cooking to awaken the senses.
All with locally sourced food.
We're very much into foraging.
So was my old Jack Russell.
You've taken my dream and turned it into a nightmare!
I'm sorry I've upset you.
I don't think sorry quite cuts it!
It's sort of trendy, isn't it, this place?
You know what happens to trendy things, don't you?
They make a lot of money.
GINA: No, they go out of fashion.
It won't take long for people to figure out
that your food is basic.
-Basic? -Yeah.
This is art.
My dishes have been in my family for, mm, six generations.
They're unique, bespoke,
take years to master.
I could make any one of these dishes blindfolded
in 15 minutes.
I'd like to see you try.
I bet you would.
Your decor is giving me hives.
This is gonna be great for you.
This will finally put Chilstock on Cornwall's culinary map.
We're already on the map.
We drew the map.
Come on. We don't allow jitters.
EMILY: It's not that. It's...
Church is very important to us.
We've never...
You've saved yourselves?
Amazing.
And now you're bricking it?
What if I'm a huge letdown to him?
He'll be stuck with me forever,
having disappointing Emily sex.
TERESA: I was 16 my first time.
It lasted about 12 seconds.
The guy I was with cried -- actual tears.
The next few times were somehow worse.
I thought sex was the most overrated thing
since football.
And then I fell in love.
And it still only lasted about 30 seconds.
But, you know what, sex isn't about the physical act.
It's about the connection.
And you and Tony already have that, so you'll be fine.
You'll be rock stars.
MARC: Do I play it cool with Sammy,
or do I put it all out there like a real man?
Be a man. Be a caveman.
Throw her over your shoulder and carry her off into the sunset.
All right, don't take the piss.
Here, mate. There's a good peacock.
-MARC: What are you doing?!
Don't encourage it.
I just don't see why you have to flirt with him.
I saw you batting those eyelashes.
Maybe I like him. Did you ever think of that?
Oh, please, tell me you haven't.
Well, just a little bit of no-strings sex.
Probably no worse for you than smoking.
He's a bastard.
I took my plans to him, he refused to invest,
then bought the location for himself.
Yes, and I told you not to do that.
Swim with sharks, you're gonna get bitten.
-I want you to end it. -There's nothing to end.
Please! He's a shark. You just said so yourself.
Fine!
I won't talk to him,
I won't go anywhere near him,
and I certainly won't dream about him wrestling Ryan Gosling
in organic marmalade.
Happy?
Have you ever made a mistake so big it makes your skin crawl?
Like not kissing you at your party last year?
Marc, you're gonna make me blush.
Sorry.
I know, it sounded all manly and tough in my head.
But when it actually came out of my mouth,
it just sounded cheesy and awful.
Well, it made me smile.
And the mood I'm in, that's quite an achievement.
Do you know what I've started doing
to alleviate the stress of work, of bills, of life?
-Ballroom dancing. -Behave!
As if you have.
No!
No.
I'm not out of my bad mood yet.
Stop trying to cheer me up.
Do you remember breaking into that leisure center in '94?
All too well.
Don't you dare try and skinny-dip in my pool.
You wouldn't.
Yeah, you're right. I wouldn't.
-Whoo-hoo!
Just arrived. From Mason Elliot.
-Thanks. -Thanks.
-Oh! -Oh!
I can't believe he's opening down the road.
He's like the Bowie of our industry.
He's not like Bowie.
He's not even like Cliff Richard.
He's just a very clever man with good hair
and rather dreamy eyes.
-Hmm. -Oh.
We should call the RSPCA. This is cruelty to insects.
-Can I go, then? -No, you may not.
Who's gonna cover for me here?
Why is he inviting you anyway?
Thanks, Gina!
Maybe out of respect for a local chef.
Whoo-hoo!
You're a bad influence on me.
I'm not supposed to be having fun.
Three words. You, me, hot tub.
That's four words.
And it's ballsed.
Ballsed? Is that a technical term?
It's a hot-tub-shaped metaphor.
A sign from above that my life's a mess.
It can't be that difficult to fix.
It's only a tub and some bubbles.
When are you going back to the hospital?
I'm getting my results tomorrow.
And you're coming with me. You need to see a doctor.
I'm not ready. Not yet.
How far gone do you think you are?
I don't know. A bit.
There's a point when reversing these things
becomes complicated,
and there's another point when it becomes impossible.
If I can't bury my head in the sand, neither can you.
I have the blindfold if you have the 15 minutes.
I always knew when she was upset with me.
The Lycra would come out.
She'd run and run, the hurt building up like Krakatoa.
And once all those endorphins had turned the pain into rage,
that was when you needed to run for cover.
-Boom!
So I know.
Congratulations. About what?
Oh, don't try and act the innocent. It doesn't suit.
I think I'll, uh, give you some space.
This is about my visitor.
This is about your visitor.
Well, we didn't do anything.
-We just cooked. -And kissed?
-Maybe a little. -You said you'd stay away.
Does our friendship mean nothing to you?
I'm sorry that you don't like him.
I'm sorry he ruined your dream.
I've slept with him too.
-Yeah, right. -I did.
We did. Twice, technically.
It's not funny!
Well, maybe it's a little bit funny.
Oh!
God, I hate men sometimes.
The absolute bloody cheek of him.
We really do have the same taste in bastards.
Funny how they always seem to come back to me in the end.
Sam. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it that way.
I've read about it. Pregorexia.
Teresa, stay off the Internet.
It's full of nutters and wrong information.
Risks for pregnant women with eating disorders,
cardiac irregularities, diabetes.
Severe depression, premature birth,
labor complications.
She's been boring me with this in the taxi.
Hmm.
Risks for the baby.
Poor brain development, low birth weight,
breathing problems.
That body that you've only ever seen through distorted eyes
is working some serious magic right now.
Your nan's a wise old bird, isn't she?
Or are you her mum?
Oh! I like you.
Mm.
So, Mimi,
your doctor may have explained some of this to you already,
so forgive me if I'm repeating things.
Darling, I'll let you know if you're boring me
with a simple yawn.
Right, so the darkened area
that's the cancer you can feel,
causing you the discomfort.
Because of the size and positioning of the lump,
we'll start by removing the breast.
You may need chemotherapy or radiotherapy, most likely both.
Well...
I'd like to know how long I've got left.
I won't have talk like that in my clinic, Mimi.
You have plenty of reasons to be optimistic.
Okay?
Look at you. You're in better shape than I am.
-WOMAN:
-You fixed it? -Yeah.
Uh, full disclosure, I stole it from your garden.
Technically it was already yours.
Marc, it's been so good having you here,
and I'm so glad Tony chose us as his wedding venue...
-Oh, I'm sensing a "but." -This thing between us.
There always has been this spark,
but your timing couldn't be more wrong.
I'm off men.
It's not you.
Well, no, actually it might be you.
It's all men. You're all such dicks.
What can I say? Men are dicks.
Dicks with dicks who think with their dicks.
You're probably secretly married or after my money
or have 15 other women on the go.
It was the pump.
If it goes again, just give it a kick.
Hey.
Fancy doing something really stupid?
That '92 Chateau Lazar,
a single bottle costing
almost what we paid for our first home.
Sod men. Sod life.
Sod Mason's!
Mm!
-Sod it bloody all! -What does it taste like?
It tastes like not giving a shit
with a hint of recklessness.
Down in one.
Mmm!
It's not easy being your mate, Gina Benelli.
Are we mates, though?
I think we're more than just mates.
And somehow also less.
There ought to be a word for what we are.
Like a bestie who you sometimes want to smother with a pillow.
Like a worstie.
My worstie.
Mason Elliot needs taking down a peg or two,
and we are just the women to do it.
Every man needs a hero.
My old man had one of these.
I bought this just to see Mum's smile.
Because real heroes don't wear capes.
But this guy, Adam...
Welcome to Mason's.
Thou shalt not worship false idols.
Ooh! It's a bit parky in here, isn't it?
Mm.
-Hello.
Hello.
Who needs a microphone when you've a mouth as big as mine?
Now, I have three firm rules in life.
Never underestimate a steak.
Never stress out when your air con jams on.
And most importantly, never under any circumstance
trust an Englishman who hasn't found the time
to visit Cornwall.
-MAN: Yeah!
This corner of England is magical,
and it means so much
to finally be part of the landscape.
-To Cornwall!
-Me and her... -We talked.
We'll have it sorted in no time!
I haven't even seen Emily.
Has anyone seen my bride?
Holy-looking, wearing white, good hair.
If I was considering doing a flit,
there's two places I might go to quietly gather my thoughts.
Okay, one, the pub. Two?
Well, the water.
Contemplation works best with a view.
Hmm.
Worry less, smile more.
This is easy.
You've got this.
Do you know, if I had a penny
for every jittery groom I found out here,
I'd have about three quid.
You know, we've never,
you know...
Tonight is stressing me out.
Ah, so you've never...
I feel sick.
I want to enjoy today.
You can't let a little thing like bonking ruin your day.
I've been looking for you everywhere.
I can't go through with it.
Tell Tony I love him and I'm sorry.
Okay, calm down.
Come on, deep breaths.
-Talk to Jesus or something.
Ohh.
No, he can't see me! It's bad luck!
You two need to do something.
Otherwise this whole day is gonna be a disaster.
We can't.
Can we?
You need to fuck.
You've got 15 minutes.
I think I can do it in 10.
"You need to fuck."
I'm sick of compliments. I'm allergic.
-Praise and water. -Aw!
Mmm!
Do you know, I am so proud of you.
The way you've been since you got back.
Stop it. I'm not a pretty blusher.
-Okay, let's keep this moving! -ALL: Yes, Chef.
You didn't show up to my launch.
I was grounded.
You're a grown man.
Thanks for the butterfly.
I've always wanted a pet.
What about your own kitchen to run?
Kind of already running things here.
If you were my chef, you'd be running my kitchen completely.
Stop smiling. You're supposed to be nervous.
Sorry.
I can't stop smiling.
I don't have half your talent.
I'm lentils.
Lentils?
You don't have all the ingredients
you need to feed your family.
How do you make the little you have go a long way?
You stretch it out with lentils.
Come and work with me. Fulfill your potential.
I'm not stupid. You're not here because of my potential.
No.
I'm here because this was rammed into my air con...
...and this was left under my smoke detector.
That doesn't mean I don't recognize raw talent.
Right.
Best-man speeches are supposed to be funny.
Well, I've got a whole list of terrible jokes here,
most of them about the time
that Tony streaked naked at Twickenham for the rugby.
Yeah, I've never seen a policeman
so confused and afraid.
Sorry, actually, I'm just gonna be serious for a minute.
These two have known each other since they were kids.
Instant trouble.
Tony and Emily.
Bonnie and Clyde.
Beauty and the little git.
They were inseparable.
And then they fell in love.
And the first time you fall in love, you fall the hardest.
It changes you.
It shapes you.
And whatever obstacles life throws,
that feeling never quite goes away.
Whatever happens,
that first love will always be there,
in your heart, in your head.
And you'd choose them again in any lifetime,
in any parallel universe.
You could both grow old, die,
be reincarnated,
and you'd still find each other somehow.
Then it'd be your first love all over again,
because that spark is forever.
It's a flame that cannot be put out.
Emily, you look so beautiful.
Tony, you look like you're gonna sell me a second-hand car.
No, I mean, seriously, who's your tailor?
Stevie Wonder?
You are the perfect, if slightly smug, couple.
And I am so honored to be a part of your incredible love story.
To Tony and Emily.
ALL: To Tony and Emily.
What if you're both reincarnated as tortoises?
Will he still find you
and have you as his first love all over again then?
Please! That speech was about his brother.
I think you should just get on with things
while you're both still humans.
No one likes to think of tortoises getting it on.
Mnh-mnh!
I'm off men. All men.
Especially ones who give me urges.
I can't be trusted. I make the most terrible decisions.
Talking of which...
ELLIOT: Don't mind me.
I'm just here trying to poach your staff.
Well, this is private property.
And as if my staff would go with you.
I'd like you to leave before I have to call security.
Security?
Who's that? That kooky old lady, Moomoo?
Her name's Mimi. And she's as hard as galvanized nails.
Fine, I'm leaving.
But first, the air-conditioning and the fire alarm I get,
but for the life of me I just can't figure out
how you did the microphone.
I've absolutely no idea what he's talking about.
Do you?
TERESA: Let me guess -- My mum's being a pain in your ass.
She currently thinks I'm Saint Teresa the Great.
Somehow, her thinking the sun shines out of my bum
is even more annoying than her usual disdain.
Mason Elliot offered me a job.
Screw that!
You're the only sane one around here.
It'll be "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" without you.
Will Gina hate me if I go?
You're actually serious?
You can't leave me.
It's the opportunity of a lifetime.
But...
Mum's never truly hated anyone.
I mean, she looks scary, acts a little bit scary,
but really all she has to give is love.
And pasta.
Love and pasta.
So, what should I do?
Toss a coin.
Heads you go, tails you stay.
If it lands on tails and your heart sings,
then you will have your answer.
Why did I have to hear the heartbeat?
Why did I have to look online and read it has a face?
The longer you take to decide,
the harder it will be mentally and physically.
It can wiggle its arms.
Has a nose and eyelids.
I bet it has beautiful eyelids.
Well, I've made my decision.
I'm not gonna fight this fight.
Time for me to go.
What? No! Please don't say that.
I shall miss life and I shall miss my family, miss you...
...but I'm not having treatment.
Please, you have to.
Don't be sad for me.
I've had a blast!
I've done things that would make your hair curl.
Oh!
Just be happy for the life I've had.
I've been thinking.
Oh, dangerous.
-About my future. -Ah!
So it was you he was trying to poach.
Interesting.
Look, I know this isn't about me.
I know this is probably some sort of
petty revenge on his part, but...
Listen, you are not going there.
You're my Adam.
Besides which, we have a contract.
A handshake in a greenhouse is not a contract.
'Round these parts it's legally binding.
I'll see you in the morning.
Eeh!
Do they have names, the savage beasts?
Sure. That one's Barry.
Sammy, I always know when you're lying.
Your nose twitches when you talk.
It's not true.
Probably won't see you before you go.
I'm not very good at goodbyes.
Thank you for my dance lesson.
Don't be a stranger. The peacocks will miss you.
-5 just sent back. -Sorry, I'll make another one.
-Table 3's still waiting. -Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
What's going on here? Where's Adam?
If any of you ever have the audacity to quit my kitchen,
do it to my face!
This was always gonna happen.
GINA: No.
You've taken him for granted for too long.
You knew his talent deserved more,
but you stamped out his fire at every given opportunity.
No, no, no. I will not let Mason take him.
There is more to life right now than Mason bloody Elliot.
-Like what?! -Like Mimi.
Like Teresa. Something's going on with them.
Like me.
Something's going on with me too.
You're so busy playing games, you haven't even noticed.
We're bringing Adam home.
Mason Elliot's a Goliath in this industry.
-We can't win this fight. -We have to at least try.
Remember when I got expelled from school?
Not only did you get me reinstated,
you made them give me head boy.
Where's that famous Mimi fighting spirit?
You've never let anything beat you before.
I know you're not here. I know you're not real.
Good. I'd hate to think you were losing your mind as well as...
Dying?
Go ahead. You can say it.
You can fight this.
Fight it like you fought off that cat
that used to piss on your azaleas.
Fight it like you fought Dad when he'd come home drunk.
Look at me. I'm formidable.
What woman of my age
has the posture of Grace Kelly and abs like rock?
Such modesty too.
I'm not dying on some operating table.
Or worse, bald and sick from the chemo.
I am going out on my own terms.
I'm going out with dignity.
TERESA: When me and Michael were kids,
we used to joke that you were running
a pirate radio station up here.
How do you know about my secret place?
Kind of become my secret place too.
I come here to talk to Dad.
Look, I-I think you better go in.
I-I think it's gonna rain.
Last thing we need is your allergies flaring up.
I'm not just gonna let you die.
You have to talk to Mum and Sam.
I will do no such thing.
Why? Because you know they'll make you change your mind?
If you dare to tell them about this,
I shall tell them about you being pregnant.
Fine.
I'll tell them about the baby first,
and you'll have nothing to blackmail me with.
You're really going to tell your mother
that you're accidentally pregnant again?
I mean, once is unfortunate, but twice?
I'm not sure whether it's careless
or whether it's old-fashioned stupidity!
What?!
She -- She knows I didn't mean it.
Was Leo your first love?
Well, I had a thing for Johnny Cash,
but, yes, I suppose he was.
And you'd choose him again in any lifetime?
In any parallel universe, you'd find him somehow
and he'd be your first love all over again?
Ah, so it's Marc -- your thing going on.
Do you like him?
Everybody likes him!
How could you not love Marc?
Hating him would be like hating a golden retriever.
Does it ever feel like the universe
is trying to tell you something everywhere you look?
Just stop the car.
What? Sam!
What is going on?
David beat Goliath, by the way.
You can win this fight.
Hi.
-Vodka martini. -Sure.
Now, to be fair, I did warn you
I was trying to poach your staff.
You stole more than just a chef.
He's family.
How could you do this to me?
He's a rare talent. Like you.
If I meant anything to you,
if there was more than an ounce of warmth
in that withered little heart of yours,
you would know that taking Adam was a step too far.
Gina. Please, don't cause a scene.
I'm angry with you because you quit,
and I'm hurt because you just left a note.
But more than that, I want to scream in your face
because, God, you are too smart to be part of his game!
ELLIOT: Adam's an artist in my kitchen.
He was a workhorse in yours.
Excuse me. I'll tell you when I'm done.
You are a remarkable chef.
And one day you will own your own chain of swanky restaurants
with much more swank than this,
but now is not your time.
If you really saw me as family
and not just some chef in your kitchen,
you wouldn't stand in my way.
He's called Carpe Diem. The peacock.
I didn't say it because it felt too...
Pretentious?
Yes. But also ironic.
When I said all men are dicks, that wasn't fair.
I mean, yes, most men are awful,
and my taste in them is atrocious, but...
-But?
But when I'm with you, I become this other person,
that kid you knew at school.
And Sammy had way better taste in men.
She could spot the good ones.
-Quick. Quick! -Okay, go. Go, go, go!
-Have you seen my mum? -I'm sorry, no.
If you see her, can you tell her I need to talk?
Teresa!
Come on!
You're all dry now.
You want to talk or no?
-No. -Okay.
I mean, who's allergic to rain?
I had this whole dramatic moment planned,
and now I'm just sitting here swelling up.
Well, if it cheers you up,
I've just made a fool of myself in front of a whole restaurant
full of posh the tourists.
That does cheer me up. Thanks, Mum.
You're welcome.
I'm pregnant. Again.
I fucked up again.
I'm sorry I'm such a constant disappointment.
You do know that you were an accident?
Thanks, Mum. Kick a girl when she's down.
You know, the best things in life are not the things we plan.
It's the stuff that sideswipes you on a wet Wednesday night.
You might be surprised.
This could be the best thing that ever happened to you.
Ow. Ow.
I know. Ow.
You look cute when you frown.
-I do? -Mm-hmm. Really cute.
What are you frowning about?
Michael. Mimi.
Gina.
I let her fight Goliath alone.
Go and see if she's all right.
I don't want to ruin this.
Nothing could ruin this.
Did you win? Is Adam coming home?
No...
And you might want to sit down.
This better be the cheap stuff.
Teresa has some news.
I'm pregnant.
We're gonna be grandmothers.
Wow!
-Wow? -Wow!
Does Michael know?
Yeah.
I can't be a grandmother!
And I can't be related to you, Gina!
I mean, it's hard enough trying to be your worstie!
You told them, then?
You knew?
Darling, unlike you,
I know everything that goes on around here.
Are you gonna keep it? The baby?
I don't know.
ELLIOT: Gina and Sam are in.
You are better than they ever let you believe.
And to what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?
A ménage à trois.
I would like to have a funeral.
Like a death party?
I prefer the term "fake wake."
Did she tell you what she's planning to do with the baby?
If she had confided in me,
I wouldn't betray her confidence.
When are you gonna tell them? I came clean. It's your turn.
Whoa! Okay, I've got this!
Marc, no!
* Oh oh oh oh *
* Oh *
* Foolish pair *
* Ah ah ah ah ahhh *
* Things will be better *