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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[man] Can you please state your name?

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Martin Moreno.

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But you might know me as…

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Martinnnnn!

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I've been touring with Gabriel Iglesias
for 20-plus years.

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Martinnnnn!

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And, yeah, he's been screaming
my name for 20-plus years.

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Hurry up, Martinnnnn!

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Dude, that's better than most marriages.
That's a win.

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It has been an incredible journey.

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We've gone from garages, clubs,
living rooms,

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to theaters, arenas around the world,

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and now a stadium.

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They say comedy is subjective,

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but when you're selling out stadiums,

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that's no longer subjective.

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So, what can people expect?

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One of the biggest shows
Los Angeles has ever seen.

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And whatever you do, make sure
you stick around till the end.

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You want to see how this thing ends.

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So, what else is left to say?

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Without further ado,

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live from Dodger Stadium,
Gabriel Iglesias!

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[theme playing from
2001: A Space Odyssey]

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[ignition cranking]

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[engine not starting]

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[ignition cranking]

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[engine starts]

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♪ California love ♪

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♪ California ♪

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♪ Knows how to party ♪

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♪ California ♪

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♪ Knows how to party ♪

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♪ In the city of L.A. ♪

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♪ In the city of good ol' Watts ♪

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♪ In the city, the city of Compton ♪

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♪ We keep it rockin' ♪

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♪ We keep it rockin' ♪

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♪ Now let me welcome everybody
To the wild, wild West ♪

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♪ A state that's untouchable
like Eliot Ness ♪

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♪ The track hits ya eardrum
Like a slug to ya chest ♪

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♪ Pack a vest for your Jimmy
In the city of sex ♪

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♪ We in that sunshine state
With a bomb ass hemp beat ♪

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♪ The state where ya never
Find a dance floor empty ♪

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♪ And pimps be on a mission
For them greens ♪

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♪ Lean, mean money-makin' machines
servin' fiends ♪

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-♪ I been in the game… ♪
-Los Angeles!

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[crowd chanting "Fluffy!"]

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We did it.

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I didn't do it, we did it.

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Thank you so much.

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Thank you so very…

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[in Spanish] "They want to cry."
"Yes, they want to cry."

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I haven't been out here
30 seconds and already…

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Thank you so much.

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Thank you.

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I know some of you
just found out Martin is real.

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'Cause you finally get to see him, right?

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And if you're Mexican, yes,
he looks like Machete.

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Or Marco Antonio Solís.

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If you're white,
he looks like the Big Lebowski.

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Wow! This is awesome.
Martin wasn't lying, you guys.

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We started off in freaking garages
and backyard barbecues

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and quinceañeras and weddings and…

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now it's like, you know, this is…
this is home for us.

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The biggest thing I've ever done
will be tonight

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without a shadow of a doubt.

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And I'm glad that you
can all be here for this.

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This is, uh…

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'Cause, yeah, after Covid,
I wasn't sure what was gonna happen.

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You know what I'm saying?

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Like, the only good thing I can say
about 2020 for me

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was the fact that, for some reason,
I managed to lose 70 pounds.

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Thank you. Yeah.

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Yeah, I lost 70 pounds.

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People ask me, "What's your secret?"

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I said, "It's no secret,
they closed all the goddamn restaurants,

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that's the secret."

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I didn't know how to cook.
That was the secret.

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It was me at home
with a Foreman Grill making wienies…

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But, yeah, we were on tour
in Kalamazoo, Michigan,

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when we got the news
that we had to go home.

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And then we came home,
and we all turned on our TVs.

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And we watched them lie to us.

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I'm not trying to be a conspiracy person,
but they told us, remember?

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"It's only going to be two weeks."

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That's it, they told us, two weeks.

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Right? "Ladies and gentlemen,
we'd just like to ask

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that you go home for two weeks,
be with your loved ones,

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be with your family, just two weeks,
while we figure things out."

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"Dr. Anthony Fauci has given us
some new information to go by."

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"Just two weeks,
that's all we need, just two weeks."

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And I apologize for using the same
stereotypical old white voice.

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But that's the one that they used.

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Because that's the one
we listen to in a time of crisis.

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It couldn't be any other voice.

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It couldn't be…

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[in Spanish and English]
"No, man, shut up, look!"

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"No more than two weeks, okay?"

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"You gonna go home,
go to your mama and your papa."

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"And if Covid come to the house,

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you tell Covid,
'Hey, he's not here, buddy.'"

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"Come back another time, it's okay."

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"Just two weeks."

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It couldn't be any other voice.

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It couldn't be…

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[as redneck] "I'll tell you what, this
is what you're gonna do, God damn it."

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"You're gonna take your ass home,
you're gonna hunker down."

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"You're gonna hunker down
and if Covid shows up at your front door,

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get her done right there to the face,
okay, that's what you're gonna do."

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"Just two weeks."

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It couldn't be any other voice.

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It couldn't be…

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[as Black man] "All right, listen up,
this is what's gonna happen."

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"You're gonna go home, you're gonna be
with your family and them, right?"

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"And if--" oh, you don't wanna laugh
at the Black voice, huh?

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Whatever. That's your guilt,
not my guilt, I'm fine.

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I'm fine.

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But, yeah, just two weeks,
that's what they told us.

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Two weeks, and two weeks
turned into two months,

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turned into half a year,
turned into a year-plus.

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And little by little,
they told us who was most at risk

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for Covid-19.

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Come to find out,
it's people over 45, okay?

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People who are overweight.

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Here we go.

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Diabetics.
[in Spanish] No fucking way, really?

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Most at risk, Latinos
and African Americans.

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Yeah. Bye, Felicia.

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I come to find out I was 85%
of the underlying conditions.

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Over 45, overweight, diabetic,
high cholesterol, high blood pressure.

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Apparently Covid is my Tinder match.

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Someone finally wants to swipe right,

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and her name is Corona.

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Yeah.

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The mask thing is still a thing.

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Some are for it, some are not.

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Some, you know,
some places it's required,

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some places it's optional.

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Biggest complaint I have heard
about the mask

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is that the mask smells funny.

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And I'm here to tell you, no, it doesn't.

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You do.

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You are smelling what everyone
has been telling you all these years,

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and finally you're smoking
what we've been smoking.

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Oh, yeah.

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I'll be honest with you,
my mask smells delicious.

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My mask smells like Oreos
and tres leches cake, okay?

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If you smell my mask right now,

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you will Krispy Kreme yourself,
it's so good.

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I feel like selling it
on the OnlyFans website

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to see if I can make some money.

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Some of you know what's up?
[in Spanish] You skank.

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This next thing I'm going to say

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is in no way, shape or form political.

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So, please, don't take it that way.

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The vaccine.

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Look at some of you, "Oh, here we go."

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"Here we go, I knew it was coming."
"I knew it."

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"Look at him, he's got 'booster'
written all over him."

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I'm not here to tell you
what to do with your bodies,

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I'm just here to share a story.

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I got vaccinated, okay,
and I'm not saying it to get approval.

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I'm just telling you because,

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hey, look, I was 85%
of the underlying conditions.

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At this point, I'm rolling the dice.

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Plus, I wanted to work.

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I got the vaccine,
but it was one of those things

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where, you know, in the beginning,
when you wanted to get the vaccine,

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you couldn't just walk into a CVS.

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You had to make an appointment.

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You know, and it was a drive-out,
you couldn't just show up.

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'Cause I tried.

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Oh, I tried using the face.
I'm like, "Eh, hey, eh!"

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Apparently this only works at Red Lobster.

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Oh, yeah, I could show up at Red Lobster
at eight o'clock on a Saturday, it's on.

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"Do you have reservations?"

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"It's Fluffy, make biscuits!"

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But for the vaccine, no, I made
my appointment like everyone else.

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It was a drive-out location, you know.

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[imitates car revving, tires screeching]

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There's a little speaker box.

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"May I help you?"

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This is very familiar.

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"Yeah, let me have…

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a large vaccine."

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"Pfizer/Moderna?"
"Uh, I got a coupon."

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"Whatever's free."

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"Pull up to the window."
Then I pull up to the next window.

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And then a guy who's all covered up,
he's got the whole, you know…

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[breathing loudly]

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Then you give him your arm,
and then they harpoon you.

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And they make you park your car

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for 10 to 15 minutes
in case you have an allergic reaction.

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So I'm sitting in the car and I got
the radio going and the A/C going,

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and I glance over and I notice
there's people there protesting.

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And that's fine.

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00:11:28,939 --> 00:11:32,234
Protesting is a right,
and I'm all for it, okay?

201
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My problem is when protesters
leave the sidewalk

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and get right in your face.

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So here's what happened.

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I glance over, I see the protestors,
and I locked eyes with one of them.

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And I could do this all day,
I'm in the car.

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I'm like, "What?"

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00:12:05,142 --> 00:12:08,478
The lady who I'm looking at
all of a sudden starts walking towards me.

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00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:09,771
And I'm like, "Ah, shit."

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She gets to my car
and she starts going off on me.

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00:12:15,444 --> 00:12:19,781
And I have never had a complete stranger
go off on me for no reason at all.

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00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:21,742
She gets to the car and she's like,

212
00:12:21,825 --> 00:12:26,163
"You are so stupid! You are so stupid!"

213
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:30,667
"How could you get the vaccine?
How could you get the vaccine?"

214
00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:34,796
"You have no idea what you just
put inside your body, dumb ass."

215
00:12:39,009 --> 00:12:40,260
I didn't know what to say.

216
00:12:40,344 --> 00:12:42,846
I was like, "Bitch, I eat chorizo."

217
00:12:51,522 --> 00:12:54,233
You have no idea what that vaccine
has to work through

218
00:12:54,316 --> 00:12:57,027
in order to have any type
of effect whatsoever.

219
00:12:57,110 --> 00:13:00,113
It's got to go through years' worth
of chorizo, chicharrón, carnitas,

220
00:13:00,197 --> 00:13:03,617
carne asada, freakin' hot dogs,
bologna, Spam, menudo,

221
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caldo de res.

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00:13:07,913 --> 00:13:09,581
It's gotta go through the gauntlet.

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00:13:11,917 --> 00:13:14,294
But, yeah, so, on top of that,

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00:13:14,378 --> 00:13:17,297
you know, we're trying to figure out
this whole thing with Netflix

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00:13:17,381 --> 00:13:18,715
and doing a new special.

226
00:13:18,841 --> 00:13:21,218
And during the pandemic, 2020 especially,

227
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:24,972
there was not even a possibility
of assembling a few people,

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00:13:25,055 --> 00:13:26,515
much less a stadium.

229
00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:28,934
So, Netflix made it clear.

230
00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:33,564
"We need a new special
sooner than later, okay?"

231
00:13:33,647 --> 00:13:36,567
This was right before--
They didn't have Squid Games yet.

232
00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:39,444
You remember…

233
00:13:39,528 --> 00:13:41,405
[chanting Squid Games melody]

234
00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:45,576
[in falsetto] "Red light!"

235
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:53,125
Some of you are like, "That's racist."
No, that's accurate, that's really good.

236
00:13:54,835 --> 00:13:59,631
So anyway, Netflix said,
"As soon as there's an opportunity

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00:13:59,715 --> 00:14:02,217
to record a new special,
we need a special."

238
00:14:02,301 --> 00:14:04,595
So, with time going by,

239
00:14:04,678 --> 00:14:10,434
there became two options
for recording a special in late 2020.

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00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:14,688
One was Florida and the other was Texas.

241
00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:18,567
[scattered booing]

242
00:14:18,650 --> 00:14:20,694
Some people from Texas cheering, yeah?

243
00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:24,072
Okay, you can cheer all you want.
That's where I got Covid.

244
00:14:26,158 --> 00:14:27,784
Yeah. [in Spanish] Fucking slacker.

245
00:14:27,868 --> 00:14:28,744
So…

246
00:14:29,912 --> 00:14:31,371
So, here's the story.

247
00:14:31,455 --> 00:14:34,374
So, I had done shows before in Texas,

248
00:14:34,458 --> 00:14:36,376
and I had never done
a show in San Antonio,

249
00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:40,088
so the original plan was, we wanted
to record a special in San Antonio

250
00:14:40,172 --> 00:14:42,508
for the new Netflix show,
you know, for the series.

251
00:14:42,591 --> 00:14:45,427
So, we couldn't really travel too much.

252
00:14:45,511 --> 00:14:49,139
And remember they kept telling us,
"Stay in your Covid bubble."

253
00:14:49,223 --> 00:14:50,766
"Don't forget to stay in your bubble,"

254
00:14:50,891 --> 00:14:54,436
so, in order to be as proactive
and just careful,

255
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:57,064
we all went out there
together as a team, okay,

256
00:14:57,147 --> 00:14:58,857
and then we all basically said,

257
00:14:58,941 --> 00:15:02,986
"We're going to do a residency
in San Antonio for 30 days."

258
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:06,240
"Thirty shows in 30 days,
and on the last day,

259
00:15:06,323 --> 00:15:08,116
we'll record a new special."

260
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,369
This way gives me a chance
to start performing again

261
00:15:10,452 --> 00:15:13,830
because it had been over a year
since I touched a stage.

262
00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:17,251
And so we get there
and they gave me the option,

263
00:15:17,334 --> 00:15:19,795
"Do you want to stay in a house
or do you want to stay in a hotel?"

264
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:21,964
And I said,
"Well, I've never lived in Texas before,

265
00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:23,715
so let's see what a house feels like."

266
00:15:23,799 --> 00:15:27,386
So they got us, like, this fancy Airbnb,
and basically, you know,

267
00:15:27,469 --> 00:15:30,681
it was Martin, Alfred, my friend Rick,
myself, it was four of us.

268
00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:33,684
It was like the Mexican version
of The Real World, okay?

269
00:15:36,019 --> 00:15:38,230
So, we're all in this big house together.

270
00:15:38,313 --> 00:15:39,898
Everyone gets their own room,

271
00:15:39,982 --> 00:15:42,192
and so, of course,
I get the big room 'cause it's me.

272
00:15:42,276 --> 00:15:43,777
And… you know.

273
00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:46,071
Look at some of you, "No!"

274
00:15:46,154 --> 00:15:47,155
Yes!

275
00:15:47,239 --> 00:15:50,534
So I open up the door,
I turn on the light… click!

276
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:53,537
And I'm like, "This is a beautiful room."

277
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:55,539
"Wow! Look how big it is."

278
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:59,793
And then I notice
there's a hole in the wall.

279
00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:02,087
I said, "That's weird."

280
00:16:02,170 --> 00:16:04,423
So I get really close to the wall,

281
00:16:05,048 --> 00:16:08,051
and when I got close,
I realized it's not a hole,

282
00:16:08,719 --> 00:16:10,304
it's a big-ass roach.

283
00:16:13,015 --> 00:16:15,893
And let me tell you,
I am not exaggerating

284
00:16:16,018 --> 00:16:18,437
when I tell you that cuca was this big.

285
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,189
That roach was this big.

286
00:16:20,272 --> 00:16:24,109
Now, I have used this unit
of measure before to exaggerate,

287
00:16:24,193 --> 00:16:28,780
and I'm not exaggerating when I tell you
that freakin' cucaracha was this big.

288
00:16:30,157 --> 00:16:33,410
And I don't want you guys thinking,
"You think you're too good for roaches?"

289
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,787
No! I grew up with roaches my whole life.

290
00:16:35,871 --> 00:16:38,123
My mom and I, we lived
in apartment buildings, projects.

291
00:16:38,207 --> 00:16:40,709
We always had roaches,
but they were different.

292
00:16:40,792 --> 00:16:42,794
First of all, they were this big.

293
00:16:44,213 --> 00:16:47,758
And California roaches
are very different, okay?

294
00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:51,178
For example, when you
turn on the light, they scatter.

295
00:16:52,012 --> 00:16:54,473
In Texas, he chilled.

296
00:16:57,559 --> 00:17:00,395
In California, they respond
to sound and movement.

297
00:17:00,479 --> 00:17:01,647
"Haaaa!"

298
00:17:02,231 --> 00:17:03,732
"Scatter!"

299
00:17:03,815 --> 00:17:07,945
I tried my California technique
on this Tejano roach.

300
00:17:09,488 --> 00:17:11,198
I said, "Haaaa!"

301
00:17:11,281 --> 00:17:13,825
And the roach was like, "What?"

302
00:17:15,369 --> 00:17:17,871
Oh, my God, I don't think
he's in my room, I think I'm in his.

303
00:17:20,123 --> 00:17:22,668
And at that moment,
my tour manager walks in the room,

304
00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:26,421
and she's like, "Is everything okay
with the accommodations?"

305
00:17:26,505 --> 00:17:30,551
I said, "No, the room is beautiful,
but, um, look at the wall."

306
00:17:32,261 --> 00:17:34,388
"Aw, there's a hole in the wall!"

307
00:17:35,472 --> 00:17:37,766
I said, "Get closer."

308
00:17:39,309 --> 00:17:43,355
She gets up to the wall and she's like,
"Oh, it's a big-ass roach."

309
00:17:44,565 --> 00:17:46,358
I said, "You're okay with that?"

310
00:17:46,441 --> 00:17:48,569
She said, "He's not in my room."

311
00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:55,325
She can see that I'm visibly bothered
by this roach, so she's like,

312
00:17:55,409 --> 00:17:58,078
"Would you like me to take care
of your little friend for you?"

313
00:18:01,832 --> 00:18:03,458
And it is a little emasculating,

314
00:18:03,542 --> 00:18:06,253
because I'm a big guy
and she's like 5' 2".

315
00:18:06,336 --> 00:18:08,297
So she's like, "Move, fool."

316
00:18:10,299 --> 00:18:13,260
She takes off her shoe,
she grabs it, she gets up on a chair,

317
00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:15,387
and she brings it back and she's like,

318
00:18:15,470 --> 00:18:17,139
♪ Soy la 69 ♪

319
00:18:17,890 --> 00:18:19,224
Bam!

320
00:18:20,309 --> 00:18:21,351
Nailed that roach.

321
00:18:21,435 --> 00:18:23,228
Threw down her shoe, put it on.

322
00:18:26,148 --> 00:18:27,566
I look at the wall,

323
00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:30,110
and it kept moving.

324
00:18:32,571 --> 00:18:34,198
And I said, "You have angered our friend."

325
00:18:35,324 --> 00:18:36,450
And she was defensive.

326
00:18:36,533 --> 00:18:38,911
"Uh-uh, fool, round two!"

327
00:18:38,994 --> 00:18:41,205
So she grabs her shoe,
gets back up on the stool,

328
00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:42,998
and she brings it back,

329
00:18:43,123 --> 00:18:46,877
and just as she's about to nail
this roach for the second time…

330
00:18:50,380 --> 00:18:51,590
that shit started flying.

331
00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:58,055
It was a Harry Potter roach!

332
00:19:00,641 --> 00:19:02,392
Oh, man, look, look, look!

333
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:05,521
She's ñañaras, man.

334
00:19:06,647 --> 00:19:11,068
So anyway, we were there for 27 days.

335
00:19:11,151 --> 00:19:13,904
And for some reason, on the 27th day,

336
00:19:13,987 --> 00:19:17,074
out of a team of 30 people
that were there to film a special,

337
00:19:17,157 --> 00:19:20,494
I was the only one
that tested positive for Covid-19.

338
00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:23,789
No one else got it.

339
00:19:23,872 --> 00:19:26,458
Not Martin, not Alfred, nobody.

340
00:19:26,542 --> 00:19:29,211
And I told Martin,
"Dude, I don't know where I got it."

341
00:19:29,294 --> 00:19:31,672
And he said,
"I think you got it from the roach."

342
00:19:36,301 --> 00:19:38,428
Anyway, on top of dealing with Covid--

343
00:19:38,512 --> 00:19:41,682
and, by the way, a sincere apology
to the city of San Antonio

344
00:19:41,765 --> 00:19:44,184
because I was supposed to tape
a special with you guys,

345
00:19:44,268 --> 00:19:46,979
and clearly for obvious reasons
we couldn't do it.

346
00:19:47,062 --> 00:19:52,401
But I hope you understand
why I had to do this tonight.

347
00:19:52,484 --> 00:19:54,361
[cheering]

348
00:19:58,991 --> 00:20:01,869
On top of dealing with Covid,
the vaccine situation,

349
00:20:01,952 --> 00:20:07,374
I come to find out someone
was trying to extort money from me.

350
00:20:08,458 --> 00:20:10,252
Yeah, and they weren't even family.

351
00:20:12,045 --> 00:20:13,338
[in Spanish] So, suck it.

352
00:20:13,422 --> 00:20:14,298
Watch.

353
00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:16,425
I get a phone call from my manager

354
00:20:16,508 --> 00:20:19,261
telling me that someone reached out

355
00:20:19,344 --> 00:20:23,599
claiming to have video footage of me

356
00:20:23,682 --> 00:20:27,936
being "inappropriate" with models.

357
00:20:31,106 --> 00:20:32,524
Yeah, see? Look at 'em.

358
00:20:33,358 --> 00:20:35,235
You guys are like me.

359
00:20:35,319 --> 00:20:37,654
Yeah, I'm like, "I need to see it too."

360
00:20:39,156 --> 00:20:42,659
Now, no disrespect to any woman

361
00:20:42,743 --> 00:20:45,746
who has ever given me the opportunity.

362
00:20:53,253 --> 00:20:55,047
But none of them were models.

363
00:20:57,049 --> 00:20:59,927
Maybe a couple of cochinas
from West Covina, maybe.

364
00:21:00,969 --> 00:21:03,305
But they were not models.

365
00:21:03,388 --> 00:21:06,099
They were just good citizens.
Thank you.

366
00:21:07,726 --> 00:21:10,646
So, anyway, they said I had until 9 a.m.

367
00:21:10,729 --> 00:21:14,858
to make a deposit
of $50,000 into an account

368
00:21:14,942 --> 00:21:17,611
or they were going to release
the footage to TMZ

369
00:21:17,694 --> 00:21:19,655
and my career was going to be over.

370
00:21:19,738 --> 00:21:22,491
When I got the message,
it was already 6 p.m.

371
00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:25,744
So I had missed the deadline
by half a day.

372
00:21:27,162 --> 00:21:30,666
So I was like, "Let me turn on the TV,
see if I still got a job."

373
00:21:32,042 --> 00:21:34,670
And clearly this is the first time
you guys are hearing about this

374
00:21:34,753 --> 00:21:36,505
because there was no footage.

375
00:21:36,588 --> 00:21:39,216
They were just trying to scare me
into giving them money.

376
00:21:39,341 --> 00:21:42,302
The only reason why
I'm telling you the story is because…

377
00:21:43,512 --> 00:21:44,847
only 50,000?

378
00:21:45,931 --> 00:21:48,559
Like, seriously?
That's what my career is worth?

379
00:21:50,018 --> 00:21:52,771
Don't get me wrong, when I said $50,000,
some of you were like, "Oh!"

380
00:21:52,855 --> 00:21:54,231
And it is a lot of money,

381
00:21:54,314 --> 00:21:56,358
but if you're going to go
after a celebrity,

382
00:21:56,441 --> 00:21:59,194
$50,000 is really low.

383
00:21:59,319 --> 00:22:02,906
Like, to put it into perspective,
they did the same thing to Kevin Hart.

384
00:22:02,990 --> 00:22:07,077
And with Kevin Hart,
they hit him for ten million.

385
00:22:07,911 --> 00:22:09,496
Ten million.

386
00:22:09,580 --> 00:22:12,082
Which lets me know where I stand

387
00:22:12,624 --> 00:22:15,669
on the comedy totem pole of success.

388
00:22:15,752 --> 00:22:17,504
There's Kevin Hart with ten million,

389
00:22:17,588 --> 00:22:20,465
and I am like the Groupon of extortion.

390
00:22:21,925 --> 00:22:25,345
"Where'd you get your extortion?"
"Got that shit at Ross on clearance."

391
00:22:26,763 --> 00:22:27,890
Fifty thousand dollars.

392
00:22:27,973 --> 00:22:31,018
You can't even buy
an Escalade with $50,000.

393
00:22:31,101 --> 00:22:34,021
That is like a Hyundai Sonata
at best, okay?

394
00:22:34,104 --> 00:22:35,439
And that's like a base model.

395
00:22:35,522 --> 00:22:37,649
You still gotta do this shit
to the window, you know?

396
00:22:38,650 --> 00:22:39,776
Fifty thousand dollars?

397
00:22:39,860 --> 00:22:43,530
But… on a more happier note,

398
00:22:43,614 --> 00:22:46,825
I did manage to stay busy
during the pandemic.

399
00:22:47,701 --> 00:22:50,913
I did a movie from my living room.

400
00:22:51,622 --> 00:22:53,749
Yeah. And it wasn't even on Pornhub.

401
00:22:55,834 --> 00:22:58,003
The movie already came out in theaters.

402
00:22:58,086 --> 00:23:01,006
It was called Space Jam,
it's the movie with LeBron.

403
00:23:03,634 --> 00:23:07,387
Los Angeles, you are looking
at the new voice of Speedy Gonzales.

404
00:23:08,472 --> 00:23:10,724
[cheering]

405
00:23:10,807 --> 00:23:11,850
Thank you.

406
00:23:13,852 --> 00:23:17,314
I found it ironic that they hired
the slowest Mexican

407
00:23:18,815 --> 00:23:21,735
to play the fastest, you know?

408
00:23:21,818 --> 00:23:24,029
And two weeks after I get this part,

409
00:23:24,780 --> 00:23:29,618
I come to find out that they're trying
to cancel Speedy Gonzales.

410
00:23:29,701 --> 00:23:32,871
I'm sure some of you heard
that they came after two cartoons.

411
00:23:32,955 --> 00:23:36,208
They came after Pepé Le Pew and Speedy.

412
00:23:36,291 --> 00:23:39,002
Now, Pepé I understand.

413
00:23:40,045 --> 00:23:41,880
He's a little touchy.

414
00:23:42,881 --> 00:23:46,343
You know, but he disguises it
with a "Oh-oh, mon chéri."

415
00:23:46,468 --> 00:23:47,636
"Oh-oh-oh!"

416
00:23:47,719 --> 00:23:50,639
"Mon chéri. Oh-lah-oh-ohhh!"

417
00:23:50,722 --> 00:23:51,598
Yeah.

418
00:23:52,558 --> 00:23:54,560
But Speedy Gonzales, what's his crime?

419
00:23:54,643 --> 00:23:58,730
He's Mexican and he's fast.
That is not a crime.

420
00:23:58,814 --> 00:24:00,899
In Montebello, that's called job security.

421
00:24:05,112 --> 00:24:08,282
So I said, "I cannot let them
hurt Speedy," you know.

422
00:24:08,365 --> 00:24:09,825
"I can't let them cancel him."

423
00:24:09,908 --> 00:24:12,870
So I came to his defense.
Plus, it was my only job.

424
00:24:14,705 --> 00:24:19,251
I went to the only place
I felt I could go to protect him.

425
00:24:19,334 --> 00:24:20,669
I went on Twitter.

426
00:24:21,962 --> 00:24:25,132
And Twitter, ooh,
Twitter's a scary place.

427
00:24:25,716 --> 00:24:26,800
It is.

428
00:24:26,884 --> 00:24:29,761
You only go there to fight,
to get into it, to prove a point,

429
00:24:29,845 --> 00:24:32,389
and so a friend of mine said,
"If you want to get some attention,

430
00:24:32,514 --> 00:24:35,058
use a hashtag," and so I did.

431
00:24:35,142 --> 00:24:39,354
And I wrote a tweet that said,
"Hey #cancelculture."

432
00:24:39,479 --> 00:24:41,190
"My name is Gabriel Iglesias,

433
00:24:41,273 --> 00:24:43,734
and I'm the new voice
of Speedy Gonzales."

434
00:24:43,817 --> 00:24:47,112
"You cannot cancel or catch me."

435
00:24:49,448 --> 00:24:50,949
And I posted it.

436
00:24:51,909 --> 00:24:54,620
I had no idea that when you go on Twitter

437
00:24:54,703 --> 00:24:55,954
looking for problems,

438
00:24:56,914 --> 00:24:58,290
you will find them.

439
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:01,043
Oh, yeah.

440
00:25:01,126 --> 00:25:04,046
Every major news outlet picked up my tweet

441
00:25:04,129 --> 00:25:06,423
and used it in a story
about cancel culture.

442
00:25:06,548 --> 00:25:09,051
ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN.

443
00:25:09,134 --> 00:25:11,887
If I would have known that,
I would have used spellcheck.

444
00:25:13,013 --> 00:25:14,097
'Cause my family called.

445
00:25:14,181 --> 00:25:16,934
[in Spanish] "What, are you stupid?
Spell correctly!"

446
00:25:17,017 --> 00:25:17,976
Oh, my God.

447
00:25:18,685 --> 00:25:22,439
Even Fox News did a story with my tweet.

448
00:25:22,564 --> 00:25:24,024
Fox News.

449
00:25:24,107 --> 00:25:25,901
You know how I know?

450
00:25:25,984 --> 00:25:27,986
My bus driver Dave called me.

451
00:25:30,030 --> 00:25:31,114
Oh, he was thrilled.

452
00:25:31,198 --> 00:25:34,451
He was like, "Fluffy, God damn it,
I've never been prouder."

453
00:25:35,577 --> 00:25:37,871
"You made it, baby.
You're on Fox News."

454
00:25:38,705 --> 00:25:40,290
I said, "Dave, shut up, you're stupid."

455
00:25:40,374 --> 00:25:41,917
He's like, "America."

456
00:25:45,003 --> 00:25:47,965
Even Warner Bros. Pictures
reached out to say thank you,

457
00:25:48,048 --> 00:25:50,843
and before I know it,
I was on a Zoom call.

458
00:25:50,926 --> 00:25:53,095
And I know a lot of us
had to get used to Zoom,

459
00:25:53,178 --> 00:25:54,930
and it's kind of convenient, right?

460
00:25:55,013 --> 00:25:56,181
All they see is this.

461
00:25:57,558 --> 00:26:00,477
So to entertain myself,
every time I took a Zoom call,

462
00:26:00,602 --> 00:26:02,145
I was full Winnie the Pooh.

463
00:26:06,066 --> 00:26:08,652
And if you're not laughing now,
you better ask someone who is,

464
00:26:08,735 --> 00:26:12,322
'cause there is no coming back
from full Winnie the Pooh.

465
00:26:12,406 --> 00:26:15,784
I was leaving baby powder
all over the house.

466
00:26:16,451 --> 00:26:18,453
It looked like an episode of Narcos.

467
00:26:21,874 --> 00:26:23,625
So I get on the Zoom call

468
00:26:23,709 --> 00:26:27,379
with the director, writer
and producer of Space Jam.

469
00:26:27,462 --> 00:26:30,132
And they're being super nice,
super supportive, super cool.

470
00:26:30,215 --> 00:26:32,134
They're like, "Gabriel, thank you so much

471
00:26:32,217 --> 00:26:34,094
for lending your voice talents
to our film."

472
00:26:34,803 --> 00:26:36,847
"We really appreciate you
being part of this."

473
00:26:36,930 --> 00:26:39,183
"If you have any questions
or concerns, let us know."

474
00:26:39,266 --> 00:26:40,225
So, "Thank you."

475
00:26:40,309 --> 00:26:42,769
"We have a question for you."
I said, "Okay."

476
00:26:43,478 --> 00:26:47,983
"How do you feel about
the voice of Speedy Gonzales?"

477
00:26:48,066 --> 00:26:49,651
I said, "Well, what do you mean?"

478
00:26:49,735 --> 00:26:54,239
"Well, you know, some people
find him to be a little stereotypical."

479
00:26:54,323 --> 00:26:55,741
"What are your thoughts?"

480
00:26:55,824 --> 00:26:59,995
I said, "Well, you have not
met my family."

481
00:27:01,455 --> 00:27:03,707
I cannot speak for all brown people,

482
00:27:03,790 --> 00:27:06,919
but I can tell you that me personally
in my house growing up,

483
00:27:07,002 --> 00:27:10,130
Speedy Gonzales was not viewed
in a negative way.

484
00:27:10,214 --> 00:27:14,718
As a matter of fact, he was the only
form of representation we had growing up.

485
00:27:14,801 --> 00:27:17,304
It was him and the little bumblebee
on The Simpsons.

486
00:27:21,850 --> 00:27:25,270
"Gabriel, we were thinking
that perhaps you would like to lend

487
00:27:25,354 --> 00:27:28,190
your real speaking voice
to the character?"

488
00:27:28,273 --> 00:27:31,235
"Maybe modernize him a little,
you know, bring him up to speed."

489
00:27:31,318 --> 00:27:35,280
I said, "Well, you know,
with all due respect,

490
00:27:35,364 --> 00:27:38,033
I appreciate the fact that
you would give me the power

491
00:27:38,116 --> 00:27:41,036
to change the sound
of such an iconic character,

492
00:27:41,119 --> 00:27:43,330
but at the end of the day,
when people see the movie,

493
00:27:43,413 --> 00:27:45,541
I don't want them to think of me,

494
00:27:45,624 --> 00:27:49,294
I want them to think of Speedy Gonzales."

495
00:27:49,378 --> 00:27:52,297
So I said,
"Please keep his voice original."

496
00:27:57,344 --> 00:27:59,221
And then he asked the question,

497
00:27:59,304 --> 00:28:01,682
"Well, do you think you can do the voice?"

498
00:28:06,061 --> 00:28:07,771
How did I get the part?

499
00:28:09,314 --> 00:28:13,527
Now, remember, I never auditioned
for Speedy Gonzales, they just called me.

500
00:28:13,610 --> 00:28:16,363
And I assumed that they knew
that I did voices for a living

501
00:28:16,446 --> 00:28:18,323
and that I could pull this off.

502
00:28:18,407 --> 00:28:20,576
So I says, "What made you choose me

503
00:28:20,701 --> 00:28:22,786
if you didn't know
whether or not I could do the--"

504
00:28:22,870 --> 00:28:24,329
"Oh."

505
00:28:25,622 --> 00:28:28,667
"You needed a big brown shield
in case shit happened, huh?"

506
00:28:29,710 --> 00:28:32,379
And then all three people
on the phone call were like…

507
00:28:34,256 --> 00:28:37,092
I said, "Well, don't worry
'cause with me you get a twofer."

508
00:28:37,176 --> 00:28:40,846
"You get an actual Mexican and you get
someone that can nail the voice."

509
00:28:40,929 --> 00:28:42,347
So… oh, yeah.

510
00:28:44,141 --> 00:28:45,100
That's right.

511
00:28:47,769 --> 00:28:50,439
So, before I know it, this sound person,

512
00:28:50,522 --> 00:28:53,775
the guy who does recordings
over at Warner Bros., gets on the call.

513
00:28:53,859 --> 00:28:55,986
The only thing I know about this guy

514
00:28:56,069 --> 00:28:57,946
is that he's loud, okay?

515
00:28:58,030 --> 00:29:01,617
He gets on the call, he's like,
"Gabriel Iglesias, how are you?"

516
00:29:01,742 --> 00:29:02,951
Wow!

517
00:29:05,579 --> 00:29:06,622
"How's it going?"

518
00:29:06,705 --> 00:29:09,124
"My name's Steven, the sound coordinator
at Warner Bros. Pictures."

519
00:29:09,208 --> 00:29:10,918
"So here's what's gonna happen."

520
00:29:11,001 --> 00:29:14,379
"Basically, I'm gonna hit 'record,'
and as soon as I hit 'record,'

521
00:29:14,463 --> 00:29:18,008
I just need for you to start
talking like Speedy Gonzales."

522
00:29:18,091 --> 00:29:20,302
"We're gonna get the flow,
the tempo, the timing,

523
00:29:20,385 --> 00:29:23,555
and as soon as we got it dialed in,
we're gonna make a movie."

524
00:29:23,639 --> 00:29:25,516
"Sound good?" "Sounds good."

525
00:29:25,599 --> 00:29:28,060
"This is Gabriel Iglesias
for Space Jam: A New Legacy,

526
00:29:28,143 --> 00:29:29,436
Speedy Gonzales, take one."

527
00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:31,063
"Gabriel, mic check, 1, 2, 3."

528
00:29:31,146 --> 00:29:33,398
"1, 2, 3."
"Sounds good, here we go."

529
00:29:33,482 --> 00:29:34,566
"And… go."

530
00:29:34,650 --> 00:29:36,318
All right, here we go.

531
00:29:36,401 --> 00:29:39,696
"Hola, amigos, my name is Speedy Gonzales,
the fastest mouse in all Mexico."

532
00:29:39,780 --> 00:29:41,698
"¡Arriba! ¡Epa, epa, ándale!"

533
00:29:49,665 --> 00:29:52,793
The director, writer and producer,
all three were like…

534
00:29:55,671 --> 00:29:57,339
"That was perfect!"

535
00:29:57,422 --> 00:30:00,133
I said, "I know,
I've been Mexican a long time."

536
00:30:02,553 --> 00:30:05,222
And I said, "And don't just think
that just because I'm Mexican,

537
00:30:05,305 --> 00:30:08,141
I can only play the Mexican character."

538
00:30:08,225 --> 00:30:10,185
I said, "I do voices for a living."

539
00:30:10,269 --> 00:30:11,687
"If given the opportunity,

540
00:30:11,812 --> 00:30:14,690
I could voice
the entire film all by myself."

541
00:30:15,399 --> 00:30:16,608
I could.

542
00:30:21,196 --> 00:30:22,406
Watch.

543
00:30:22,489 --> 00:30:24,032
Marvin the Martian.

544
00:30:24,116 --> 00:30:26,451
"Oh, my, oh, my modulator."

545
00:30:27,452 --> 00:30:28,829
Yosemite Sam.

546
00:30:29,746 --> 00:30:31,248
"I hate that rabbit!"

547
00:30:31,874 --> 00:30:32,875
Bugs Bunny.

548
00:30:32,958 --> 00:30:34,334
"Eh, what's up, Doc?"

549
00:30:35,878 --> 00:30:39,631
I said, "You can fire
all the other voice actors right now."

550
00:30:39,715 --> 00:30:43,927
"I will do the whole movie
for half plus medical insurance."

551
00:30:48,724 --> 00:30:50,976
And it was the middle of 2020,
so I meant that shit.

552
00:30:51,059 --> 00:30:54,605
I'm like, "Yeah, no co-pay, no co-pay."

553
00:30:56,106 --> 00:30:58,275
My favorite part about this was the fact

554
00:30:58,358 --> 00:31:02,196
that they actually
entertained the conversation.

555
00:31:02,279 --> 00:31:05,657
Like, he could have just looked at me
and said, "You're stupid."

556
00:31:06,366 --> 00:31:09,912
And I would have accepted that.
I would have been like, "Okay," you know?

557
00:31:11,038 --> 00:31:13,290
But I guess we're living
in different times

558
00:31:13,373 --> 00:31:16,668
where people are a lot more sensitive
and more mindful,

559
00:31:16,752 --> 00:31:19,713
and so he just wanted to make sure
I was okay, so he's like,

560
00:31:19,796 --> 00:31:24,426
"Gabriel, I am not taking anything away
from your credibility as a voice talent,

561
00:31:24,510 --> 00:31:28,472
as an entertainer, as just an individual,
but my hands are tied."

562
00:31:28,555 --> 00:31:31,225
"Contracts have been signed,
checks have been cut."

563
00:31:31,308 --> 00:31:34,353
"This was a union project,"
and I'm like, "Look at him go!"

564
00:31:35,938 --> 00:31:37,940
The producer is also on this call,

565
00:31:38,023 --> 00:31:42,569
and the producer is the one responsible
for the finance, the money.

566
00:31:42,653 --> 00:31:45,697
So he hears the director
just freakin' goin' down, and he's like,

567
00:31:45,781 --> 00:31:49,243
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on."

568
00:31:49,910 --> 00:31:51,161
"Hear the man out."

569
00:31:53,330 --> 00:31:54,498
"Gabriel."

570
00:31:55,165 --> 00:31:56,166
"Fluffy."

571
00:31:57,459 --> 00:31:58,585
"Baby!"

572
00:32:01,088 --> 00:32:02,256
"Talk to me, puddin'."

573
00:32:03,715 --> 00:32:05,843
"If we can make this happen,
what are we talkin'?"

574
00:32:05,926 --> 00:32:07,135
I said, "What do you mean?"

575
00:32:07,219 --> 00:32:10,389
"Well, what are we talkin'?
What's your rate, what's your fee?"

576
00:32:10,472 --> 00:32:14,726
I said, "Well, word on the street is
I go for no less than 50,000."

577
00:32:17,354 --> 00:32:19,898
"And I do have emails to support that."

578
00:32:22,067 --> 00:32:23,777
They still said no, but whatever.

579
00:32:25,279 --> 00:32:29,199
I know I'm going to have to defend
Speedy Gonzales again at some point,

580
00:32:29,283 --> 00:32:32,202
because unfortunately
that's how cancel culture works.

581
00:32:32,286 --> 00:32:33,871
You know? And don't get me wrong.

582
00:32:33,996 --> 00:32:37,833
I understand that some people
need to be held accountable, but…

583
00:32:37,916 --> 00:32:41,253
And by the way, if I'm the one
telling you about cancel culture,

584
00:32:41,336 --> 00:32:44,006
it's already gone way too far.

585
00:32:44,089 --> 00:32:46,300
Because I pride myself in the fact

586
00:32:46,383 --> 00:32:48,844
that I'm not a comedian who's divisive.

587
00:32:48,969 --> 00:32:54,725
That's why I don't talk about politics,
religion or sports, okay?

588
00:32:55,684 --> 00:32:58,187
Because all three will divide people.

589
00:32:58,854 --> 00:33:00,522
That's why I talk about food.

590
00:33:01,982 --> 00:33:05,736
Because food brings people together.

591
00:33:10,199 --> 00:33:12,034
That's right. Unless you're vegan.

592
00:33:13,493 --> 00:33:16,079
In which case, you can leave right now.
I don't give a shit.

593
00:33:17,039 --> 00:33:20,584
I don't care if I offend you
and your salad, you can leave. Bye.

594
00:33:21,919 --> 00:33:24,463
And the only reason
why I'm so "ugh" on the vegans

595
00:33:24,546 --> 00:33:27,424
is because I once was vegan.

596
00:33:28,342 --> 00:33:30,928
I know, some of you are like, "No!" Yeah.

597
00:33:32,930 --> 00:33:34,973
I was vegan for a little under a year.

598
00:33:35,057 --> 00:33:36,642
Some of you are probably thinking,

599
00:33:36,725 --> 00:33:39,436
"You weren't vegan, then,
if it was less than a year."

600
00:33:39,520 --> 00:33:40,687
But think about it.

601
00:33:40,771 --> 00:33:43,690
Anyone who has ever gone on a diet knows

602
00:33:43,774 --> 00:33:48,445
just how hard it is to change
your eating habits for one week,

603
00:33:48,529 --> 00:33:50,280
much less a year.

604
00:33:50,364 --> 00:33:53,242
And they told me, they said,
"You're going to lose weight."

605
00:33:53,325 --> 00:33:54,326
And they were not lying.

606
00:33:54,409 --> 00:33:57,079
I lost weight, patience and friends.

607
00:33:58,080 --> 00:33:59,957
So I'm just here
to let you know, I'm back.

608
00:34:00,082 --> 00:34:01,166
[bellows like cow]

609
00:34:01,250 --> 00:34:02,251
So…

610
00:34:03,252 --> 00:34:04,962
I almost got canceled.

611
00:34:05,087 --> 00:34:06,964
I almost got canceled

612
00:34:07,047 --> 00:34:12,135
because I posted a tweet
of one of my dogs.

613
00:34:12,219 --> 00:34:15,222
Now, some of you already know
I have two Chihuahuas.

614
00:34:15,305 --> 00:34:16,390
Yeah.

615
00:34:16,974 --> 00:34:19,142
People watching at home are like,
"That's not stereotypical."

616
00:34:19,226 --> 00:34:20,435
Yeah, I know.

617
00:34:20,519 --> 00:34:21,645
I have two Chihuahuas.

618
00:34:21,728 --> 00:34:26,024
I have a little boy dog named Vinnie
and a little girl dog named Risa.

619
00:34:26,650 --> 00:34:29,069
Combined weight, 14 pounds.

620
00:34:29,778 --> 00:34:33,490
My little girl dog Risa, she is 4 pounds,

621
00:34:33,574 --> 00:34:36,410
and she's 17 years old.

622
00:34:37,077 --> 00:34:40,122
Yeah. Her anger keeps her alive.

623
00:34:41,456 --> 00:34:43,959
I will confirm every stereotype
about Chihuahuas.

624
00:34:44,084 --> 00:34:45,127
Oh, yeah, it's real.

625
00:34:45,210 --> 00:34:46,545
The rage is real.

626
00:34:46,628 --> 00:34:48,630
But with me, she loves me, okay?

627
00:34:48,714 --> 00:34:51,466
She's 17, she has no teeth.
Her tongue hangs out.

628
00:34:51,550 --> 00:34:52,926
She's adorable.

629
00:34:53,010 --> 00:34:58,140
So I posted a picture of her on Twitter
with the caption that basically read,

630
00:34:58,223 --> 00:35:03,228
"Going to take my little nugget
to go get some chicken nuggets."

631
00:35:03,312 --> 00:35:07,274
And then I tagged "@Chick-fil-A."

632
00:35:08,275 --> 00:35:09,818
Okay, so, yeah, you feel that?

633
00:35:10,777 --> 00:35:13,572
See how the majority of the room
was like, "That place is good"?

634
00:35:13,655 --> 00:35:15,240
"Sucks they're closed on Sunday."

635
00:35:16,950 --> 00:35:19,578
And then there was a few of you
in here and you heard the groan…

636
00:35:21,496 --> 00:35:23,957
Yeah. Half of those people, vegans.

637
00:35:26,335 --> 00:35:28,754
The other half are the ones
that blew up my Twitter feed.

638
00:35:28,837 --> 00:35:31,965
My Twitter feed started
getting flooded with nasty comments.

639
00:35:32,049 --> 00:35:35,177
"You're stupid, you're horrible.
How could you? We thought more of you."

640
00:35:35,260 --> 00:35:37,971
"Really, Fluffy, you?" And I don't know
what they're talking about.

641
00:35:38,055 --> 00:35:41,975
The problem with cancel culture
is they only attack, they don't educate.

642
00:35:42,059 --> 00:35:43,352
They don't explain.

643
00:35:43,435 --> 00:35:46,355
They just attack,
and they expect you to know better

644
00:35:46,438 --> 00:35:49,691
or understand them,
but they're not willing to play nice.

645
00:35:52,653 --> 00:35:54,696
So here's what happens.

646
00:35:54,780 --> 00:35:57,324
I'm asking questions,
no one wants to answer.

647
00:35:57,407 --> 00:35:59,743
"Fluffy, you're horrible."
I'm like, "What do you mean?"

648
00:35:59,826 --> 00:36:00,994
"Really? Chick-fil-A?"

649
00:36:01,078 --> 00:36:03,789
I'm sorry, Popeyes was closed,
I don't know what to tell you.

650
00:36:05,541 --> 00:36:08,293
"You know what you're doing."
I am more hungry than woke.

651
00:36:08,377 --> 00:36:09,503
I don't know what you mean.

652
00:36:10,629 --> 00:36:14,007
And then finally someone
took the time to explain to me

653
00:36:14,091 --> 00:36:16,844
why I was "wrong" for that tweet.

654
00:36:16,927 --> 00:36:20,722
Come to find out
that Chick-fil-A in the past

655
00:36:20,806 --> 00:36:23,600
has been known to make contributions

656
00:36:23,684 --> 00:36:26,478
to organizations
that are a little out of line

657
00:36:26,562 --> 00:36:32,276
with the LGBTQ+ community.

658
00:36:32,359 --> 00:36:35,904
Now, forgive me for using my hand
to get the letters right.

659
00:36:35,988 --> 00:36:38,699
I just wanna get the letters right.

660
00:36:40,450 --> 00:36:43,829
I do consider myself
a supporter and an ally,

661
00:36:43,912 --> 00:36:48,792
and I'm trying my best
to be as understanding as I can be…

662
00:36:50,961 --> 00:36:53,964
…with the limited information
I have available.

663
00:36:54,047 --> 00:36:55,465
Now, I'm gonna say it again.

664
00:36:55,549 --> 00:36:57,551
I'm trying to be
as understanding as I can be

665
00:36:57,634 --> 00:37:00,304
with the limited information
I have available,

666
00:37:00,387 --> 00:37:03,932
which basically means
I only read headlines.

667
00:37:06,101 --> 00:37:07,728
Here's the thing, you guys.

668
00:37:08,520 --> 00:37:11,148
There are a million struggles
in this world.

669
00:37:11,231 --> 00:37:13,901
Every single day there are people
trying to better their lives,

670
00:37:13,984 --> 00:37:16,111
trying to get to a goal,
trying to achieve something

671
00:37:16,236 --> 00:37:19,531
to get them out of one place
and into something better.

672
00:37:19,615 --> 00:37:22,075
And it's impossible
to keep up with everyone's fight

673
00:37:22,159 --> 00:37:25,370
unless you mess up,
and then someone pulls you aside

674
00:37:25,454 --> 00:37:26,872
and reads you the riot act.

675
00:37:27,664 --> 00:37:31,627
So, here's how the conversation went.

676
00:37:31,710 --> 00:37:32,961
'Cause I finally got one.

677
00:37:33,045 --> 00:37:36,465
They said, "Well, Gabriel,
if you consider yourself a supporter

678
00:37:36,548 --> 00:37:38,717
of the LGBTQ+ community,

679
00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:44,473
moving forward will you still be tagging
Chick-fil-A in future posts?"

680
00:37:45,057 --> 00:37:49,978
I said, um, "Yes, I will,
but it's not because I'm not a supporter."

681
00:37:50,062 --> 00:37:51,897
"I'm definitely a supporter of your cause,

682
00:37:51,980 --> 00:37:54,107
but causes are a two-way street."

683
00:37:54,191 --> 00:37:56,527
"You gotta support mine too."

684
00:37:56,610 --> 00:37:59,655
I said, "I tagged Chick-fil-A
for the same reason

685
00:37:59,738 --> 00:38:04,451
I tag every other company
I use organically."

686
00:38:04,535 --> 00:38:07,704
"I'm trying to get free shit."

687
00:38:10,541 --> 00:38:12,668
Plain and simple, don't look past it.

688
00:38:14,419 --> 00:38:17,047
And I know some of you are like,
"Well, Gabriel, don't you make money?"

689
00:38:17,130 --> 00:38:19,466
Yes, I do, and you know how you keep it?

690
00:38:19,550 --> 00:38:20,759
Free shit.

691
00:38:23,095 --> 00:38:25,138
Yeah, let me tell you how
I discovered this one.

692
00:38:25,222 --> 00:38:29,935
So, I was at a Chipotle one night,
and the staff was incredible.

693
00:38:30,018 --> 00:38:32,646
So I wanted to give them
a little shout-out online.

694
00:38:32,729 --> 00:38:36,149
So I gave them a shout-out
and then I tagged "Chipotle."

695
00:38:36,233 --> 00:38:40,571
Chipotle saw my tweet and then they
reached out to me to say thank you,

696
00:38:40,654 --> 00:38:45,868
and to show their appreciation,
Chipotle mailed me a burrito card,

697
00:38:45,951 --> 00:38:51,331
good for one year's worth
of unlimited Chipotle.

698
00:38:56,378 --> 00:38:58,213
And I tested it.

699
00:38:59,131 --> 00:39:01,508
Oh, they gave it to the wrong person.

700
00:39:01,592 --> 00:39:03,719
After about two weeks,
it looked like a Metro card.

701
00:39:03,802 --> 00:39:05,095
It was all scratched up.

702
00:39:06,180 --> 00:39:09,683
So now, let me tell you guys,
if you were me and you sent out one tweet

703
00:39:09,766 --> 00:39:12,644
that got you fed
for a whole year for free,

704
00:39:12,728 --> 00:39:15,689
wouldn't you be tagging
as many companies as you could

705
00:39:15,772 --> 00:39:20,027
to see who else would want
to donate to the cause?

706
00:39:22,321 --> 00:39:26,033
The only thing I'm guilty of
is ho'ing myself out, that's it.

707
00:39:26,575 --> 00:39:29,494
I was being a little cyber skank,
that's all I was doing.

708
00:39:31,955 --> 00:39:35,000
But again I understand that some people

709
00:39:35,083 --> 00:39:37,461
need to be held accountable
for certain actions.

710
00:39:37,544 --> 00:39:41,340
I just feel like a lot of times
a simple conversation can fix things.

711
00:39:41,423 --> 00:39:45,010
I know that based on today's rules,
I can be canceled right now

712
00:39:45,093 --> 00:39:48,514
for previous comedy specials
that I've done over the years.

713
00:39:48,597 --> 00:39:51,934
And I understand that,
so I'm just waiting for the call.

714
00:39:53,852 --> 00:39:56,813
I know I can be canceled
for previous comedy specials.

715
00:39:56,897 --> 00:39:59,399
And I know they probably
expect me to apologize,

716
00:39:59,483 --> 00:40:01,818
but I would never apologize
for my previous work

717
00:40:01,902 --> 00:40:05,948
because, you know what,
it was perfectly acceptable at the time.

718
00:40:11,745 --> 00:40:14,581
Clearly there are things
I would change now,

719
00:40:14,665 --> 00:40:16,917
but there's no way
to go back and apologize for that

720
00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:18,210
when everything was okay.

721
00:40:18,794 --> 00:40:20,921
I want to let you all know right now that

722
00:40:21,672 --> 00:40:24,925
there are things about me
that you don't know

723
00:40:25,008 --> 00:40:27,678
that you're gonna find out
sooner than later.

724
00:40:27,761 --> 00:40:30,556
So basically what I'm trying to do
at this moment

725
00:40:30,639 --> 00:40:33,892
is do what my lawyer said
and "get ahead of it."

726
00:40:37,855 --> 00:40:43,193
I offended someone whose name
I should have never brought up.

727
00:40:43,277 --> 00:40:47,531
I offended a professional fighter.

728
00:40:48,532 --> 00:40:50,075
His name is Canelo.

729
00:40:55,080 --> 00:40:56,331
I know. Go big or go home.

730
00:40:58,292 --> 00:41:00,961
If you are not familiar
with who Canelo is,

731
00:41:01,044 --> 00:41:02,963
give me a few seconds to explain.

732
00:41:03,046 --> 00:41:08,594
Canelo is arguably one of the best
fighters in the world.

733
00:41:11,013 --> 00:41:11,930
Okay?

734
00:41:13,348 --> 00:41:15,100
You cannot miss him.

735
00:41:15,184 --> 00:41:17,561
He is, in fact, Mexican,

736
00:41:17,644 --> 00:41:21,106
but he does not look traditional.

737
00:41:22,566 --> 00:41:28,113
Canelo is, in fact,
the whitest Mexican on Earth.

738
00:41:28,864 --> 00:41:31,992
He's super white.
He's so white, he's redhead.

739
00:41:32,659 --> 00:41:36,121
Canelo is a redheaded
white Mexican fighter.

740
00:41:36,205 --> 00:41:40,334
He is so white, even Donald Trump
was like, "You can come."

741
00:41:41,960 --> 00:41:43,837
Super white.

742
00:41:43,921 --> 00:41:45,881
But then he opens his mouth
and you realize,

743
00:41:45,964 --> 00:41:48,717
"Oh, Canelo, he's not local."

744
00:41:50,677 --> 00:41:52,346
So here's how I got in trouble.

745
00:41:53,055 --> 00:41:56,099
A comedy friend of mine
by the name of Ron White

746
00:41:56,183 --> 00:41:58,018
reached out to me.

747
00:41:58,101 --> 00:42:00,437
And Ron White invited me to be part

748
00:42:00,521 --> 00:42:04,525
of his tribute to the troops comedy show
for the national network.

749
00:42:04,608 --> 00:42:08,445
And I told Ron, "I'd love to do the show.
Anything for the troops. Let's do this."

750
00:42:08,570 --> 00:42:12,783
So the show taped in Vegas,
and it's a couple of comics plus myself,

751
00:42:12,866 --> 00:42:14,743
and Ron White's the host.

752
00:42:14,826 --> 00:42:18,622
He brings me up onstage, and I figure
I'm only doing ten minutes, okay?

753
00:42:18,705 --> 00:42:21,083
I might as well
just do references to Las Vegas

754
00:42:21,166 --> 00:42:22,376
since everybody knows Vegas,

755
00:42:22,459 --> 00:42:24,086
so I started talking about boxing.

756
00:42:24,169 --> 00:42:26,004
And then I brought up Canelo.

757
00:42:26,088 --> 00:42:27,673
And here's where I got in trouble.

758
00:42:28,340 --> 00:42:33,011
I said, "Canelo
is my favorite fighter of all time."

759
00:42:33,595 --> 00:42:35,138
"I just wish…"

760
00:42:36,431 --> 00:42:38,225
And it was all downhill after that.

761
00:42:40,477 --> 00:42:45,357
I said, "I just wish he would not
do interviews in English,

762
00:42:45,440 --> 00:42:48,527
because English
is not his strong language,

763
00:42:48,610 --> 00:42:50,195
and if you're a professional fight--"

764
00:42:50,279 --> 00:42:51,363
Hear me out.

765
00:42:51,446 --> 00:42:54,908
If you're a professional fighter,
you need to sound confident,

766
00:42:54,992 --> 00:42:58,495
engaged, threatening, aggressive,
on point, in your face.

767
00:42:58,579 --> 00:43:01,915
And in Spanish, he does.

768
00:43:01,999 --> 00:43:04,960
In English, not so much.

769
00:43:06,795 --> 00:43:08,130
In Spanish, he's a killer.

770
00:43:08,213 --> 00:43:10,674
In Spanish, the reporter,
the announcer comes out…

771
00:43:10,757 --> 00:43:12,885
[in Spanish]
"We're here with Canelo Álvarez,

772
00:43:12,968 --> 00:43:15,137
who'll be fighting
Floyd 'Money' Mayweather

773
00:43:15,220 --> 00:43:20,893
this coming weekend on pay-per-view
at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Nevada."

774
00:43:20,976 --> 00:43:23,270
I know some of you heard that
right now and you're like,

775
00:43:23,353 --> 00:43:25,647
"Oh, my God,
I think I understand Spanish."

776
00:43:27,441 --> 00:43:28,442
'Cause you do.

777
00:43:28,525 --> 00:43:31,612
So then the reporter will look
at Canelo and ask him about the fight.

778
00:43:31,695 --> 00:43:33,697
[in Spanish] "Canelo, what will be
your fighting approach?"

779
00:43:33,780 --> 00:43:35,490
Canelo takes the microphone.

780
00:43:35,616 --> 00:43:38,368
He's a man of few words,
but he's on point.

781
00:43:38,452 --> 00:43:40,078
He looks at the camera and he's like,

782
00:43:40,162 --> 00:43:42,748
[in Spanish] "Look, I'm gonna
punch him like this and like this."

783
00:43:42,831 --> 00:43:44,833
"I'll knock him to the ground and, boom!"

784
00:43:46,293 --> 00:43:49,963
"So don't miss the fight this weekend
at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Nevada,

785
00:43:50,047 --> 00:43:52,090
Canelo Álvarez
vs. Floyd 'Money' Mayweather."

786
00:43:52,174 --> 00:43:53,884
"Don't miss out!"

787
00:43:55,302 --> 00:43:58,013
Same exact interview.

788
00:43:59,765 --> 00:44:00,849
English.

789
00:44:07,022 --> 00:44:09,399
"I'm standing here alongside
Mexican superstar

790
00:44:09,483 --> 00:44:10,651
Saúl Canelo Álvarez,

791
00:44:10,734 --> 00:44:13,403
who's going to be facing
Floyd 'Money' Mayweather this weekend

792
00:44:13,487 --> 00:44:15,072
on pay-per-view."

793
00:44:15,155 --> 00:44:18,742
"Canelo, what is your strategy
and your plan of attack

794
00:44:18,825 --> 00:44:21,995
going into this weekend's fight against
such a technical opponent, if you will,

795
00:44:22,079 --> 00:44:25,332
a man who has single-handedly
redefined the sport of boxing?"

796
00:44:25,415 --> 00:44:28,502
"What is your plan of attack
going into the fight?"

797
00:44:39,388 --> 00:44:41,265
"Uh…"

798
00:44:42,266 --> 00:44:43,475
"Well…

799
00:44:43,559 --> 00:44:45,519
I…

800
00:44:45,602 --> 00:44:48,689
am going to

801
00:44:49,523 --> 00:44:50,941
hit him

802
00:44:52,025 --> 00:44:53,110
like this."

803
00:44:53,193 --> 00:44:56,530
"I'm going to hit him like this."

804
00:44:56,613 --> 00:44:57,948
"He going to…

805
00:45:01,535 --> 00:45:02,744
fall

806
00:45:03,871 --> 00:45:05,455
on the…"

807
00:45:05,539 --> 00:45:07,124
"How do you say piso?"

808
00:45:08,125 --> 00:45:11,086
"Floor? He going to fall
to the floor and then…

809
00:45:13,046 --> 00:45:14,173
así."

810
00:45:16,884 --> 00:45:18,135
"All right, well, there you have it."

811
00:45:18,218 --> 00:45:20,470
"Floyd Mayweather,
I hope you are ready, my friend,

812
00:45:20,554 --> 00:45:23,432
because, yeah,
that's what's waiting for you."

813
00:45:24,266 --> 00:45:27,269
"Reporting live for ESPN News,
I'm Phil Stevens."

814
00:45:27,352 --> 00:45:30,022
"Back to you in the studio,
and we're out."

815
00:45:30,772 --> 00:45:32,357
"What the hell was that, God damn it?!"

816
00:45:32,900 --> 00:45:35,152
"Why didn't you warn me?"

817
00:45:35,903 --> 00:45:40,073
So word gets back to Team Canelo
about the joke that I did.

818
00:45:40,157 --> 00:45:44,912
I find out because I have friends
in the boxing community who reached out

819
00:45:44,995 --> 00:45:48,832
to tell me, "Bro, what happened?"

820
00:45:48,916 --> 00:45:50,584
I said, "What are you talking about?"

821
00:45:50,667 --> 00:45:52,461
"Dude, we heard." "Heard what?"

822
00:45:53,086 --> 00:45:55,297
"We heard that Team Canelo's pissed."

823
00:45:55,380 --> 00:45:57,549
I said, "So, what does that
have to do with me?"

824
00:45:57,633 --> 00:46:00,302
"Well, I guess it's about a joke
you did about Canelo?"

825
00:46:00,385 --> 00:46:01,345
"Huh?"

826
00:46:04,473 --> 00:46:06,141
"Who showed him?"

827
00:46:09,269 --> 00:46:12,231
If I would have known
one of the best fighters in the world

828
00:46:12,314 --> 00:46:16,902
was going to see me do a joke about him,
I would have never done a joke about him.

829
00:46:16,985 --> 00:46:18,403
I didn't think he'd ever see

830
00:46:18,487 --> 00:46:21,323
Ron White's tribute to the troops
comedy show

831
00:46:21,406 --> 00:46:23,408
on the national network.

832
00:46:23,492 --> 00:46:25,744
I didn't think he was ever gonna see it.

833
00:46:26,370 --> 00:46:27,913
Shit was in English.

834
00:46:32,125 --> 00:46:34,294
Now I'm worried about the confrontation

835
00:46:34,378 --> 00:46:36,129
because I know it's only a matter of time.

836
00:46:36,213 --> 00:46:38,215
And I know where
he's going to confront me.

837
00:46:38,298 --> 00:46:39,842
It's gonna happen in Vegas.

838
00:46:39,925 --> 00:46:42,845
And the reason why I'm so confident
that it's going to happen there

839
00:46:42,928 --> 00:46:45,055
is because when I perform in Vegas,

840
00:46:45,138 --> 00:46:48,100
I perform for MGM Grand Properties.

841
00:46:48,183 --> 00:46:50,727
And so I get free tickets to the fights.

842
00:46:50,853 --> 00:46:53,272
And I always go 'cause it's free!

843
00:46:55,524 --> 00:46:59,027
And they put me ringside so that my face
comes out on the jumbotron

844
00:46:59,111 --> 00:47:00,612
to help me sell tickets.

845
00:47:00,696 --> 00:47:03,490
So I know 'cause I've seen
Canelo fights before ringside,

846
00:47:03,574 --> 00:47:06,743
I've never spoken to him,
but I know that's where it's gonna happen.

847
00:47:06,869 --> 00:47:09,288
And I'm nervous about this confrontation,

848
00:47:09,371 --> 00:47:13,834
because I didn't know if he's going
to confront me in English or Spanish.

849
00:47:16,211 --> 00:47:18,463
I hope it's in Spanish
'cause I want to feel the fear,

850
00:47:18,547 --> 00:47:20,132
you know what I'm saying?

851
00:47:20,215 --> 00:47:21,800
I hope, you know, he's like,

852
00:47:21,884 --> 00:47:24,428
[in Spanish]
"I'm going to kill you, fucking fat man!"

853
00:47:27,055 --> 00:47:29,391
I'm just worried he might, you know…

854
00:47:31,059 --> 00:47:31,977
"Hey!"

855
00:47:33,770 --> 00:47:36,273
"Hey, jou."

856
00:47:36,982 --> 00:47:41,403
"Hey, jou, fat bitch mother Fluffy."

857
00:47:47,451 --> 00:47:50,120
"He just called me
'fat bitch mother Fluffy!'"

858
00:47:51,455 --> 00:47:53,165
So, if anything happens to me--

859
00:47:53,248 --> 00:47:54,875
Canelo.

860
00:47:56,668 --> 00:47:59,087
But I guess I should feel
honored at the fact

861
00:47:59,171 --> 00:48:02,007
that someone at his level
would even acknowledge a comedian.

862
00:48:02,090 --> 00:48:05,969
You know, it feels good at least knowing
that he knows who I am, which is nice.

863
00:48:06,053 --> 00:48:07,554
It at least makes me feel relevant.

864
00:48:07,638 --> 00:48:11,600
Because, you know, after 2019,
I wasn't sure what was gonna happen.

865
00:48:11,683 --> 00:48:14,436
Honestly, for me, I thought that 2019

866
00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:16,480
was the best year I ever had in comedy.

867
00:48:16,563 --> 00:48:19,358
And the reason why I say this is because

868
00:48:19,441 --> 00:48:23,654
I was this close to hosting the Oscars.

869
00:48:25,113 --> 00:48:25,989
Yeah.

870
00:48:26,823 --> 00:48:29,201
Pretty sure I got a good chance next year.

871
00:48:36,875 --> 00:48:39,670
The year that I almost got to host,

872
00:48:39,753 --> 00:48:43,298
that was the year that Kevin Hart
was supposed to host.

873
00:48:43,382 --> 00:48:45,759
I don't know if you remember
the story, but basically,

874
00:48:45,843 --> 00:48:47,845
Kevin Hart was supposed
to host the Oscars,

875
00:48:47,970 --> 00:48:52,599
and any time you host,
the background check is next level, okay?

876
00:48:53,225 --> 00:48:56,937
They go through all of your social media,
all the way back to Myspace.

877
00:48:59,189 --> 00:49:00,691
People over 40, you know what's up.

878
00:49:02,317 --> 00:49:04,444
Come to find out that ten years ago,

879
00:49:04,528 --> 00:49:07,781
Kevin Hart had sent out a couple
of tweets that were questionable,

880
00:49:07,865 --> 00:49:10,701
so the academy confronted
Kevin Hart about the tweets.

881
00:49:10,784 --> 00:49:12,744
And they said,
"Kevin, can you please explain?"

882
00:49:12,828 --> 00:49:15,664
And Kevin was like,
"Yes, I said those things."

883
00:49:15,747 --> 00:49:20,919
"I acknowledged them ten years ago
and I apologized ten years ago."

884
00:49:21,003 --> 00:49:22,212
"Can we move forward?"

885
00:49:22,296 --> 00:49:24,298
And the academy was like,
"Well, good, Kevin,

886
00:49:24,381 --> 00:49:25,674
we're glad that you apologized

887
00:49:25,757 --> 00:49:28,969
because they've been brought
to our attention again

888
00:49:29,052 --> 00:49:30,637
and we need for this to go away,

889
00:49:30,721 --> 00:49:32,764
so we need you to apologize."

890
00:49:32,848 --> 00:49:35,976
And Kevin said,
"You can't make me apologize twice

891
00:49:36,059 --> 00:49:38,562
for the same thing ten years apart."

892
00:49:38,645 --> 00:49:41,064
And they said, "Well, you have to,
because if you don't,

893
00:49:41,148 --> 00:49:43,192
you cannot host the Oscars."

894
00:49:43,275 --> 00:49:46,236
And Kevin said,
"Well, thank you, but no, thank you."

895
00:49:46,320 --> 00:49:48,280
And he walked away from the job.

896
00:49:51,408 --> 00:49:53,660
I would have done
the same thing in his position.

897
00:49:54,453 --> 00:49:57,623
Because by him apologizing,
he gives more power to cancel culture,

898
00:49:57,706 --> 00:50:00,250
and we can't give them more,
we gotta take it back.

899
00:50:00,334 --> 00:50:01,501
So…

900
00:50:03,003 --> 00:50:04,046
now…

901
00:50:04,129 --> 00:50:07,466
So, now the academy
was left with a problem--

902
00:50:07,549 --> 00:50:11,011
trying to find a suitable replacement
for Kevin Hart,

903
00:50:11,094 --> 00:50:12,679
which is not an easy thing to do.

904
00:50:12,763 --> 00:50:16,058
So they reached out to a bunch of actors
to see if there was interest,

905
00:50:16,141 --> 00:50:18,060
and everyone said the same thing:

906
00:50:18,143 --> 00:50:19,811
"Thank you, but no, thank you."

907
00:50:19,895 --> 00:50:22,105
"We want no part
of that Kevin Hart drama."

908
00:50:22,189 --> 00:50:24,983
No one wanted the job.

909
00:50:25,609 --> 00:50:27,027
Me, on the other hand…

910
00:50:28,654 --> 00:50:30,948
Oh, I recognize a job opening
when I see one.

911
00:50:32,324 --> 00:50:36,245
So I had my manager call the academy,
and the academy was thrilled

912
00:50:36,328 --> 00:50:38,288
to hear from anyone.

913
00:50:40,541 --> 00:50:42,918
They were like, "Gabriel Iglesias,
yes, we know who he is."

914
00:50:43,043 --> 00:50:44,419
"He's very funny, very witty."

915
00:50:44,503 --> 00:50:47,381
"We think he would make
a good host for the Oscars."

916
00:50:47,464 --> 00:50:50,592
"Please have him submit
some comedy material

917
00:50:50,676 --> 00:50:53,303
so we can see what the vibe
of the night would be,

918
00:50:53,387 --> 00:50:56,640
and based on the material,
we'll make our choice."

919
00:50:56,723 --> 00:50:57,724
So, that's what I did.

920
00:50:57,808 --> 00:50:59,852
I sat down one night,
got a pen, piece of paper,

921
00:50:59,935 --> 00:51:01,228
wrote out a bunch of jokes,

922
00:51:01,311 --> 00:51:03,063
and I turned them into the Oscars.

923
00:51:03,647 --> 00:51:05,440
And I think that's why they said no.

924
00:51:08,402 --> 00:51:10,237
It never made it to TV.

925
00:51:11,405 --> 00:51:12,614
So tonight…

926
00:51:13,282 --> 00:51:15,117
[cheering]

927
00:51:20,914 --> 00:51:24,918
Tonight, I would like to do
the opening joke

928
00:51:25,002 --> 00:51:27,004
that I was going to do for the Oscars.

929
00:51:30,090 --> 00:51:33,010
And then you can decide what the vibe
of the night would have been.

930
00:51:33,093 --> 00:51:34,803
All right. Let me do the voice.

931
00:51:34,887 --> 00:51:36,180
[clears throat]

932
00:51:36,263 --> 00:51:39,183
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to the Academy Awards."

933
00:51:39,266 --> 00:51:40,350
"Here's tonight's host,

934
00:51:40,434 --> 00:51:42,519
comedian-funnyman Gabriel Iglesias."

935
00:51:42,603 --> 00:51:44,521
"Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen."

936
00:51:44,605 --> 00:51:46,023
"Thank you, it is an honor."

937
00:51:47,900 --> 00:51:52,988
"Thank you. Thank you."

938
00:51:53,071 --> 00:51:56,408
"It is an honor to be here tonight
hosting the Oscars."

939
00:51:56,491 --> 00:51:59,494
"In keeping with tradition,

940
00:51:59,578 --> 00:52:03,707
here is another Mexican
doing a job nobody else wanted."

941
00:52:13,759 --> 00:52:14,968
And they passed.

942
00:52:17,137 --> 00:52:18,347
They passed.

943
00:52:19,056 --> 00:52:22,893
Yeah. You know, and then getting
back into the swing of things,

944
00:52:22,976 --> 00:52:25,938
we have definitely come
a long way from 2020.

945
00:52:26,021 --> 00:52:29,316
The fact that we're in
a sold-out stadium, elbow to elbow,

946
00:52:29,399 --> 00:52:31,235
ready to laugh.

947
00:52:31,318 --> 00:52:32,653
Have fun.

948
00:52:34,363 --> 00:52:35,989
We've come a long way.

949
00:52:37,074 --> 00:52:40,661
You know? 2020, you guys,
I gotta just thank my dogs.

950
00:52:40,744 --> 00:52:44,331
I gotta thank my dogs 'cause my dogs
kept me sane, they kept me happy,

951
00:52:44,414 --> 00:52:45,874
they kept me focused.

952
00:52:45,958 --> 00:52:49,878
'Cause I was so depressed, I was sad,
I didn't know what to make of things.

953
00:52:49,962 --> 00:52:51,713
Do we have any dog owners?

954
00:52:51,797 --> 00:52:53,465
-[cheering]
- Yeah?

955
00:52:55,801 --> 00:52:57,553
See, dog owners, you know what's up.

956
00:52:57,636 --> 00:53:04,017
No other animal in the world
will give you 100% like a dog.

957
00:53:06,562 --> 00:53:08,272
What? Cat? No.

958
00:53:08,939 --> 00:53:13,569
I'm sorry,
no disrespect to cats or cat owners,

959
00:53:13,652 --> 00:53:17,155
but cat owners,
you know as well as I do, your cats…

960
00:53:17,239 --> 00:53:19,449
'cause I know you got more than one…

961
00:53:20,367 --> 00:53:22,995
your cats look at you
like you live in their house.

962
00:53:23,954 --> 00:53:26,123
You walk in,
you try to scold them for something…

963
00:53:26,206 --> 00:53:27,875
[purrs]

964
00:53:27,958 --> 00:53:30,252
Then when you try to talk to them,
they turn their back

965
00:53:30,335 --> 00:53:31,712
and show you their butthole.

966
00:53:33,171 --> 00:53:35,424
You're staring like,
"Oh, my God, it's so dark!"

967
00:53:37,509 --> 00:53:40,888
Only a dog will give you 100% of itself.

968
00:53:40,971 --> 00:53:44,850
That's why they get so sad
when they know you're about to leave

969
00:53:44,933 --> 00:53:47,853
and why they get so happy
when you come home.

970
00:53:47,936 --> 00:53:51,315
You are literally everything
they've been looking forward to.

971
00:53:51,398 --> 00:53:53,025
"And now you're back!"

972
00:53:54,151 --> 00:53:59,281
I know for a fact nothing on this planet
loves me more than my dogs.

973
00:53:59,781 --> 00:54:03,827
I said this last night, and someone said,
"What about your son?"

974
00:54:04,536 --> 00:54:06,121
I said, "Nothing

975
00:54:07,497 --> 00:54:08,707
loves me more."

976
00:54:09,291 --> 00:54:12,794
I could leave my dressing room
for one minute or for one hour.

977
00:54:12,878 --> 00:54:15,339
When I come back,
the reaction is the same.

978
00:54:15,422 --> 00:54:18,800
It is the greatest moment ever,
every single time.

979
00:54:18,884 --> 00:54:21,595
Oh, yeah, my dog Vinnie
will jump off the couch

980
00:54:21,678 --> 00:54:24,389
and run towards me top speed,
and then when he gets to me,

981
00:54:24,473 --> 00:54:27,226
he jumps up and down,
and he makes a sound like…

982
00:54:27,309 --> 00:54:29,937
[imitates Chihuahua]

983
00:54:30,020 --> 00:54:33,982
You can almost hear, "Where were you?
Where were you? Where were you?"

984
00:54:35,234 --> 00:54:37,361
And he pees everywhere.

985
00:54:40,489 --> 00:54:43,450
I used to get upset that he would do that,
but then I thought about it.

986
00:54:43,534 --> 00:54:49,164
My dog loves me so much, he cannot
control his own bodily functions.

987
00:54:49,248 --> 00:54:53,126
That's why, when I would go home, I would
immediately pick him up before anything.

988
00:54:53,210 --> 00:54:54,878
And then my girlfriend would get mad.

989
00:54:54,962 --> 00:54:57,297
"How come you don't come to me first?"

990
00:54:58,173 --> 00:55:00,217
I said, "Because the dog loves me more."

991
00:55:01,510 --> 00:55:03,303
"How do you know I don't love you more?"

992
00:55:03,387 --> 00:55:05,347
I said, "I don't see a puddle."

993
00:55:07,307 --> 00:55:08,684
Mira. Dry.

994
00:55:12,145 --> 00:55:13,480
Yeah, she didn't like that. Sorry.

995
00:55:15,816 --> 00:55:18,318
But, yeah, these dogs, man.
Let me tell you.

996
00:55:18,861 --> 00:55:21,113
And I apologize if I'm kind of stuttering

997
00:55:21,196 --> 00:55:23,907
or I'm not as focused right now.

998
00:55:23,991 --> 00:55:26,743
I have never been distracted

999
00:55:26,827 --> 00:55:29,788
by a blimp with my face on it.

1000
00:55:32,958 --> 00:55:36,003
[cheering and applause]

1001
00:55:41,091 --> 00:55:43,468
I'm sorry, Netflix, but, shit, this…

1002
00:56:01,778 --> 00:56:06,283
This is like a birthday
and Christmas and the Super Bowl

1003
00:56:06,408 --> 00:56:07,701
and the World Series

1004
00:56:07,784 --> 00:56:10,579
and losing my virginity
all at the same time.

1005
00:56:12,289 --> 00:56:13,707
[chuckles]

1006
00:56:13,790 --> 00:56:15,459
[crowd chanting "Fluffy!"]

1007
00:56:15,542 --> 00:56:16,877
Oh!

1008
00:56:16,960 --> 00:56:19,504
♪ Even saw the lights
Of the Goodyear Blimp ♪

1009
00:56:19,588 --> 00:56:22,674
[laughing]

1010
00:56:26,470 --> 00:56:29,848
I'm sorry, you guys, I'm just so
goddamn happy right now, thank you.

1011
00:56:30,807 --> 00:56:32,559
[cheering]

1012
00:56:37,898 --> 00:56:39,399
I wish my mom were here to see this.

1013
00:56:39,483 --> 00:56:40,901
You have no idea.

1014
00:56:43,278 --> 00:56:45,155
She would have been happy
to see all of you,

1015
00:56:45,239 --> 00:56:47,324
but she would have been like,
[in Spanish] "Fuck off."

1016
00:56:47,449 --> 00:56:52,079
"Look, what-- my son is in heaven,
he's with Jesus in the sky, you see?"

1017
00:56:53,288 --> 00:56:54,331
That is amazing.

1018
00:56:54,414 --> 00:56:57,000
Some of you guys okay?
I heard a cough over there.

1019
00:56:57,834 --> 00:56:58,877
You all right?

1020
00:56:59,962 --> 00:57:02,214
Don't cough, they just let us come back.

1021
00:57:03,257 --> 00:57:05,509
I would rather you fart than cough.

1022
00:57:06,552 --> 00:57:09,721
If you feel another one
of those coming, just hold your face,

1023
00:57:09,805 --> 00:57:12,683
convert the energy,
and blow it out the back, all right?

1024
00:57:12,766 --> 00:57:15,727
And I know the people behind you
are like, "Don't do that!"

1025
00:57:15,811 --> 00:57:18,897
You let it rip, and if the people
behind you can't smell it,

1026
00:57:18,981 --> 00:57:21,108
then they got Covid.

1027
00:57:21,859 --> 00:57:23,735
Okay, that's a free home test.

1028
00:57:27,739 --> 00:57:28,824
Anyway…

1029
00:57:29,658 --> 00:57:32,244
So during 2020,

1030
00:57:32,327 --> 00:57:35,789
my dogs and I,
the most normal thing we could do

1031
00:57:35,873 --> 00:57:37,499
was just take a drive, okay?

1032
00:57:37,583 --> 00:57:39,001
Drives, you could just get in the car.

1033
00:57:39,084 --> 00:57:41,295
Nothing was open,
but you could take a drive,

1034
00:57:41,378 --> 00:57:42,462
and so we get in the car.

1035
00:57:42,546 --> 00:57:45,048
[imitates doors closing, engine revving]

1036
00:57:45,132 --> 00:57:47,885
I put on this playlist and just drive.

1037
00:57:47,968 --> 00:57:50,137
Eventually, we went out looking for food.

1038
00:57:51,388 --> 00:57:54,141
And I know that sounds crazy
to say it that way, but remember,

1039
00:57:54,224 --> 00:57:56,685
85% of the underlying conditions.

1040
00:57:56,768 --> 00:58:00,564
I never once set foot in a market
because I was afraid.

1041
00:58:00,647 --> 00:58:04,526
All of my food came from friends
and street vendors.

1042
00:58:06,361 --> 00:58:08,113
Yeah.

1043
00:58:08,197 --> 00:58:10,741
Yes, I support street vendors
in case anyone's wondering.

1044
00:58:12,201 --> 00:58:13,744
[cheering]

1045
00:58:17,164 --> 00:58:19,917
'Cause no matter what,
they're working their asses off, again,

1046
00:58:20,000 --> 00:58:24,379
trying to make a better life
for themselves and for their families.

1047
00:58:28,842 --> 00:58:32,429
After leaving a taco stand one night,

1048
00:58:33,055 --> 00:58:36,934
I realized that a lot of people needed
to step out of their comfort zones

1049
00:58:37,017 --> 00:58:40,312
in order to find alternative ways
of making ends meet.

1050
00:58:40,395 --> 00:58:43,899
I made the mistake one night
of assuming the guy working the stand

1051
00:58:43,982 --> 00:58:45,234
was Mexican.

1052
00:58:46,735 --> 00:58:47,986
[in falsetto] He wasn't.

1053
00:58:49,112 --> 00:58:51,865
I even spoke Spanish to him,
which is a no-no.

1054
00:58:52,366 --> 00:58:54,952
The rule is, when engaging a brown person,

1055
00:58:55,035 --> 00:58:58,580
you must speak English to them first,
and then if there's a language barrier,

1056
00:58:58,664 --> 00:59:01,041
then you go to plan B
high-school Spanish.

1057
00:59:01,792 --> 00:59:03,627
You start off in English.
"Hello, sir, may I--"

1058
00:59:03,710 --> 00:59:06,880
[in Spanish] "I don't understand."
[in English] "Oh, hold on, I got this."

1059
00:59:06,964 --> 00:59:08,465
"Hola."

1060
00:59:09,967 --> 00:59:10,968
"Yo me…"

1061
00:59:13,095 --> 00:59:15,472
So I walked up to this guy
at the stand and I was like,

1062
00:59:15,556 --> 00:59:17,724
you know, he reminded me of a tío,
so I was like…

1063
00:59:17,808 --> 00:59:19,476
[speaking Spanish]

1064
00:59:19,601 --> 00:59:21,311
Which is like,
"Hello, friend, how are you?"

1065
00:59:21,395 --> 00:59:22,688
And he responded,

1066
00:59:22,771 --> 00:59:24,606
[Greek accent]
"What are you saying to me?"

1067
00:59:27,985 --> 00:59:30,529
"I'm sorry, sir,
I thought you were Mexican."

1068
00:59:30,612 --> 00:59:34,908
"No, no, I am not Mexican. I am Greek."

1069
00:59:35,784 --> 00:59:36,743
Greek?

1070
00:59:37,995 --> 00:59:39,454
Shit, I was way off.

1071
00:59:41,456 --> 00:59:44,960
"I'm sorry, brah, it's late, I'm tired.
Can I have two tacos?"

1072
00:59:45,043 --> 00:59:47,796
"What you mean, 'Can I have two tacos?'"

1073
00:59:47,880 --> 00:59:50,799
"I just finish tell you,
I am not Mexican, I am Greek."

1074
00:59:50,883 --> 00:59:53,427
"I do not sell taco."

1075
00:59:54,386 --> 00:59:56,305
"I sell yee-roh."

1076
00:59:57,014 --> 00:59:58,223
"Yee-roh?"

1077
00:59:58,807 --> 01:00:00,976
And then I remember seeing
writing on the front of the car,

1078
01:00:01,059 --> 01:00:03,896
and I just thought it was the guy's name
or something, right?

1079
01:00:04,771 --> 01:00:09,026
I'm like, it spells it out: G-Y-R-O.

1080
01:00:09,735 --> 01:00:10,694
"Gyro!"

1081
01:00:11,653 --> 01:00:12,821
He got all pissy.

1082
01:00:12,905 --> 01:00:15,407
"It is not a gyro, it's a yee-roh."

1083
01:00:15,490 --> 01:00:17,034
"That shit says 'gyro.'"

1084
01:00:18,202 --> 01:00:19,411
"It is yee-roh!"

1085
01:00:19,494 --> 01:00:21,038
"Bro, I'm tired, it's late."

1086
01:00:21,121 --> 01:00:22,748
"What is a 'yee-roh'"?

1087
01:00:27,294 --> 01:00:28,921
"It's like a taco."

1088
01:00:31,965 --> 01:00:33,175
"Gimme two."

1089
01:00:35,302 --> 01:00:37,804
Eventually businesses
started opening their doors

1090
01:00:37,888 --> 01:00:41,517
and allowing us to go back inside,
and I'll tell you guys right now,

1091
01:00:41,642 --> 01:00:45,145
my big, guilty pleasure
is Starbucks, okay?

1092
01:00:46,396 --> 01:00:48,732
That's my guilty pleasure,
I'm all about a Starbucks drive-thru.

1093
01:00:49,316 --> 01:00:50,651
But the difference is,

1094
01:00:50,734 --> 01:00:54,321
when you have the option
of going inside versus drive-thru,

1095
01:00:54,404 --> 01:00:55,697
that's one thing,

1096
01:00:55,781 --> 01:00:58,408
but when they tell you
you can't go inside anymore

1097
01:00:58,492 --> 01:01:00,577
and then they tell you you can,

1098
01:01:00,702 --> 01:01:02,204
you kind of miss it.

1099
01:01:02,287 --> 01:01:06,250
Like me, I couldn't wait to go back inside
when they said the doors are opening up.

1100
01:01:06,333 --> 01:01:08,377
I couldn't wait to go in
and order from a counter

1101
01:01:08,460 --> 01:01:10,462
and talk to a person and look at a menu.

1102
01:01:10,546 --> 01:01:11,672
I didn't mind.

1103
01:01:11,755 --> 01:01:13,048
I showed up early.

1104
01:01:13,131 --> 01:01:15,300
[imitates engine revving,
tires screeching]

1105
01:01:15,384 --> 01:01:17,469
Got my dogs with me, I didn't care.

1106
01:01:17,553 --> 01:01:19,513
We walk into Starbucks.

1107
01:01:19,596 --> 01:01:22,015
And I know they did this
over in Long Beach.

1108
01:01:22,099 --> 01:01:25,352
I'm not sure if they did this here,
but they put stickers on the floor.

1109
01:01:26,103 --> 01:01:28,272
And so there I am standing
on this freakin' sticker.

1110
01:01:28,355 --> 01:01:30,107
I got my dogs, just chillin'.

1111
01:01:30,190 --> 01:01:32,317
Standing there
looking like a third grader.

1112
01:01:43,328 --> 01:01:45,205
We're just chillin', waitin'.

1113
01:01:45,289 --> 01:01:49,668
And some lady behind me
notices that I'm holding two dogs.

1114
01:01:49,751 --> 01:01:52,379
She clearly had an issue with the fact
that I was holding two dogs,

1115
01:01:52,462 --> 01:01:57,009
and instead of saying, "Pardon me,
excuse me, hey there, hi, hola,"

1116
01:01:57,968 --> 01:01:59,011
she does the whole…

1117
01:01:59,094 --> 01:02:01,180
[clearing throat]

1118
01:02:03,974 --> 01:02:06,393
I'm hearing this and I'm like,
"Shit! Covid!"

1119
01:02:10,397 --> 01:02:12,191
"I don't see any stickers!"

1120
01:02:13,108 --> 01:02:14,526
"I'm off the grid!"

1121
01:02:16,111 --> 01:02:19,531
And she was like, "I do not have Covid."

1122
01:02:19,615 --> 01:02:22,034
"Are those service dogs?"

1123
01:02:22,868 --> 01:02:24,244
"They're Chihuahuas."

1124
01:02:25,078 --> 01:02:28,165
"And these, in particular, are
the complete opposite of service dogs."

1125
01:02:29,458 --> 01:02:31,418
"Well, are they supposed to be inside?"

1126
01:02:31,501 --> 01:02:32,961
I say, "You know, I didn't ask."

1127
01:02:33,045 --> 01:02:34,755
"I didn't want to leave them in the car."

1128
01:02:34,838 --> 01:02:37,174
"I'm not staying,
I'm going to order my drinks and leave."

1129
01:02:37,257 --> 01:02:39,176
"I'm not even going
to put them down. I'm sorry."

1130
01:02:39,259 --> 01:02:42,179
And she's like,
"Well, are they at least legal?"

1131
01:02:46,892 --> 01:02:50,103
You're gonna ask a Mexican
if his dogs are legal?

1132
01:02:52,064 --> 01:02:53,690
Fortunately… "Next in line."

1133
01:02:53,815 --> 01:02:55,108
"Thank God."

1134
01:02:56,235 --> 01:02:58,278
So I get to the front,
and now I'm worried,

1135
01:02:58,362 --> 01:03:01,073
because the lady has me thinking
in the back of my head

1136
01:03:01,156 --> 01:03:02,908
that I'm doing something bad,

1137
01:03:02,991 --> 01:03:04,993
that I'm about to get
scolded or kicked out.

1138
01:03:05,077 --> 01:03:07,120
So I'm trying not to make
eye contact with the guy.

1139
01:03:07,204 --> 01:03:10,249
So I'm just looking at the menu,
and I hear him, "Dogs."

1140
01:03:11,375 --> 01:03:13,669
"Hi, bro, sorry about that.
Sorry, sorry, I know."

1141
01:03:13,794 --> 01:03:15,546
"They're adorable!"

1142
01:03:15,629 --> 01:03:17,548
"What are their names?"

1143
01:03:18,298 --> 01:03:21,593
"Oh! Well, this is Vinnie, this is Risa."

1144
01:03:24,388 --> 01:03:25,931
"They're so cute." "Thank you."

1145
01:03:26,014 --> 01:03:29,393
Then here comes another barista,
and she's like, "I see dogs!"

1146
01:03:29,476 --> 01:03:31,019
"I'm sorry."

1147
01:03:31,103 --> 01:03:33,021
"They're adorable."

1148
01:03:33,105 --> 01:03:34,356
"What are their names?"

1149
01:03:34,439 --> 01:03:38,193
I was like, "Oh, well,
this is Vinnie, this is Risa."

1150
01:03:40,320 --> 01:03:42,614
"They're too cute." "Thank you."

1151
01:03:42,698 --> 01:03:47,244
So I placed my order,
and then the girl barista, she goes…

1152
01:03:49,246 --> 01:03:50,664
"Yes?"

1153
01:03:50,747 --> 01:03:54,543
"You know, I gotta tell you something
about your dogs, right?"

1154
01:03:54,626 --> 01:03:57,254
"I know, I'm sorry, I just didn't
want to leave them in the car."

1155
01:03:57,337 --> 01:03:59,464
"What are the little ones gonna have?"

1156
01:04:04,219 --> 01:04:05,345
"Well…

1157
01:04:06,597 --> 01:04:10,225
as much as I would love to share
my coffee with my dogs,

1158
01:04:10,309 --> 01:04:12,895
I don't think caffeine
and Chihuahuas mix."

1159
01:04:14,563 --> 01:04:15,981
"No, silly."

1160
01:04:16,064 --> 01:04:20,194
"Maybe your little puppies
would like a Puppucci--"

1161
01:04:20,277 --> 01:04:21,987
Okay, you see that shit?

1162
01:04:23,405 --> 01:04:24,323
Now you're vocal.

1163
01:04:24,406 --> 01:04:26,992
When I talked about stickers,
"We don't know nothin' about stickers,

1164
01:04:27,075 --> 01:04:29,369
pero un pinche Puppuccino,
all freakin' day," right?

1165
01:04:30,621 --> 01:04:32,497
Sorry. Anyway…

1166
01:04:32,581 --> 01:04:35,542
When she said "Puppuccino,"
I was like, "What kind of a drink is it?"

1167
01:04:35,626 --> 01:04:38,045
I'm looking at the menu like,
"I don't see that shit anywhere."

1168
01:04:38,754 --> 01:04:41,965
"No, silly, a Puppuccino
is just a little cup,

1169
01:04:42,049 --> 01:04:44,051
and we put whipped cream in the cup."

1170
01:04:44,134 --> 01:04:46,553
"This way, you can enjoy your beverage

1171
01:04:46,637 --> 01:04:49,890
and your little ones can enjoy
something with you."

1172
01:04:50,766 --> 01:04:52,976
I said, "Oh, my God."

1173
01:04:53,060 --> 01:04:54,394
"I love this."

1174
01:04:54,478 --> 01:04:56,188
"How much are they?"

1175
01:04:56,271 --> 01:04:57,731
"Oh, they're free."

1176
01:05:05,948 --> 01:05:07,282
"Tell me more."

1177
01:05:09,451 --> 01:05:13,247
"You have two little puppies
so you get two free Puppuccinos."

1178
01:05:13,330 --> 01:05:15,999
"Oh, my God, can I have a third one?"

1179
01:05:17,793 --> 01:05:20,420
"Oh, is there another
little puppy we're missing?"

1180
01:05:20,504 --> 01:05:21,547
This one.

1181
01:05:24,550 --> 01:05:26,677
I was so excited, I told her,
"Do you understand

1182
01:05:26,760 --> 01:05:29,805
how happy you just made me
with this whole Puppuccino thing?"

1183
01:05:29,930 --> 01:05:30,764
"Oh, yeah."

1184
01:05:30,848 --> 01:05:34,768
"They let it be known that
if anyone ever shows up with a dog,

1185
01:05:34,852 --> 01:05:38,272
always offer them
a Puppuccino on the house."

1186
01:05:38,355 --> 01:05:41,400
"So, it's cool that I walked in
with my dogs?"

1187
01:05:41,483 --> 01:05:43,735
"Oh, yeah, they're welcome any time."

1188
01:05:48,907 --> 01:05:52,077
I'll just tell you guys right now,
I am very petty.

1189
01:05:56,081 --> 01:05:57,541
I am so petty, I was like,

1190
01:05:57,624 --> 01:05:59,501
"Can you say that louder?"

1191
01:06:00,961 --> 01:06:04,173
"Your puppies are welcome any time!"

1192
01:06:04,256 --> 01:06:07,843
I'm not gonna lie,
I felt a little bit like Canelo.

1193
01:06:10,220 --> 01:06:11,305
I did, I couldn't help it.

1194
01:06:11,388 --> 01:06:14,641
I turned around, I was like,
"Eh, you hear that, bitch mother?"

1195
01:06:20,022 --> 01:06:22,608
[woman's voice]
"I was there the night Fluffy got fired."

1196
01:06:24,359 --> 01:06:26,361
Like I said, no matter what you say or do,

1197
01:06:26,445 --> 01:06:29,489
someone's gonna find a way
to twist things and make it bad.

1198
01:06:29,573 --> 01:06:33,202
I've already gotten an email
over the fact that I did that joke about--

1199
01:06:33,285 --> 01:06:37,539
that nothing on this planet loves me
more than my dogs, versus my son.

1200
01:06:37,623 --> 01:06:40,918
Someone already reached out, like,
"How devastating for your son."

1201
01:06:41,043 --> 01:06:42,836
I'm like, he knows!

1202
01:06:46,632 --> 01:06:47,841
I love him very much.

1203
01:06:48,300 --> 01:06:51,929
My son is going on 25 years now.

1204
01:06:52,930 --> 01:06:54,765
He's 24 years old.

1205
01:06:55,516 --> 01:06:57,351
Frankie is 24 years old.

1206
01:06:58,101 --> 01:07:00,103
Thank you for clapping,
he's still at the house.

1207
01:07:04,775 --> 01:07:06,860
I did an interview recently

1208
01:07:06,944 --> 01:07:09,071
and someone was asking me
questions about my son.

1209
01:07:09,154 --> 01:07:12,074
They said, "You know, Gabriel,
you've always mentioned your son

1210
01:07:12,157 --> 01:07:13,200
in your specials."

1211
01:07:13,283 --> 01:07:15,953
"Can we look forward
to a new story coming out?"

1212
01:07:16,078 --> 01:07:19,206
And I said, "Not really
a new story so much as…"

1213
01:07:19,289 --> 01:07:21,166
'Cause my son is doing his own thing now.

1214
01:07:21,250 --> 01:07:24,169
He's doing his own thing,
he's got his own life, and that's awesome.

1215
01:07:24,253 --> 01:07:27,589
I do however still have stories
from the past that I never told,

1216
01:07:27,673 --> 01:07:29,299
and he goes, "Well, do tell."

1217
01:07:30,342 --> 01:07:34,429
I said, "Okay, my favorite story
is actually probably the first one."

1218
01:07:36,223 --> 01:07:40,811
"In 2007, when I first got him…"

1219
01:07:43,939 --> 01:07:46,400
Some of you know
he's technically my stepson,

1220
01:07:46,483 --> 01:07:49,069
but I've never liked saying "stepson."

1221
01:07:49,152 --> 01:07:51,864
He is my son, yeah.

1222
01:07:51,947 --> 01:07:53,574
[cheering]

1223
01:07:56,785 --> 01:08:00,414
He is my son or my aftermarket child.

1224
01:08:01,123 --> 01:08:02,249
No gray area.

1225
01:08:03,333 --> 01:08:08,422
Anyway, it's 2007, and for some reason,
I'm home on Halloween.

1226
01:08:08,505 --> 01:08:09,631
Now, here's the thing.

1227
01:08:09,715 --> 01:08:15,220
As a comedian, I have signed up
to perform 365 days a year.

1228
01:08:15,304 --> 01:08:16,805
There is no sacred day for me.

1229
01:08:16,889 --> 01:08:18,557
I work on Christmas day.

1230
01:08:18,640 --> 01:08:21,185
I work on New Year's Eve,
Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day,

1231
01:08:21,268 --> 01:08:23,729
birthdays, holidays,
special occasions, no matter what.

1232
01:08:23,812 --> 01:08:26,106
My mom told me, [in Spanish]
"If you have a job, you have to work."

1233
01:08:26,190 --> 01:08:28,650
You gotta work,
especially if you got a good job.

1234
01:08:28,734 --> 01:08:30,110
You don't want no one to take it,

1235
01:08:30,194 --> 01:08:32,321
so if you're going to go for it,
give it everything.

1236
01:08:33,030 --> 01:08:37,326
So the fact that I'm not
working on Halloween is super rare.

1237
01:08:37,409 --> 01:08:39,328
And so my son's mom is like…

1238
01:08:40,245 --> 01:08:43,749
She's like, "I think this is so cool
that you're home today."

1239
01:08:43,832 --> 01:08:46,710
"You know,
since this is Frankie's first year

1240
01:08:46,793 --> 01:08:49,588
where it's just the three of us,
how about this?"

1241
01:08:49,671 --> 01:08:52,633
"How about tonight
you take him trick-or-treating

1242
01:08:52,716 --> 01:08:54,843
and I'll stay home and give out candy?"

1243
01:08:54,927 --> 01:08:58,347
"This way, it will give the two of you
the opportunity to get to know each other,

1244
01:08:58,430 --> 01:09:00,599
have some conversations,
have some laughs."

1245
01:09:00,682 --> 01:09:01,975
"What do you think?"

1246
01:09:02,059 --> 01:09:04,436
I said, "Baby, you know what,
that's a great idea."

1247
01:09:04,520 --> 01:09:06,146
"I love it, I love it."

1248
01:09:06,230 --> 01:09:09,775
"Okay, I'm on it. Frankie!
Come on, we're going trick-or-treating."

1249
01:09:09,858 --> 01:09:11,109
"What about my mom?"

1250
01:09:11,193 --> 01:09:13,278
"She's gonna stay home." "Yay!"

1251
01:09:15,531 --> 01:09:16,573
So we get in the car.

1252
01:09:16,657 --> 01:09:19,326
[imitates doors closing, engine revving]

1253
01:09:19,409 --> 01:09:22,412
And I take Frankie to "that neighborhood."

1254
01:09:24,164 --> 01:09:25,832
You know what I'm saying.

1255
01:09:25,916 --> 01:09:28,001
That neighborhood
that gives out the Costco candies.

1256
01:09:28,627 --> 01:09:32,631
Yeah. So we park the car
and we start going up the street.

1257
01:09:32,714 --> 01:09:35,300
And I'm not wearing a costume,
I'm there for him.

1258
01:09:35,384 --> 01:09:38,011
So he's dressed up for Halloween,
I'm just me.

1259
01:09:38,095 --> 01:09:40,722
So some of the doors we knocked on,
the people freaked out.

1260
01:09:40,806 --> 01:09:41,849
One guy was like…

1261
01:09:43,892 --> 01:09:45,310
"The Fluffy!"

1262
01:09:46,854 --> 01:09:49,982
I was like, "Oh, my God, I've never
been referred to as 'The Fluffy.'"

1263
01:09:50,065 --> 01:09:52,860
I didn't know what to say. "It is I."

1264
01:09:54,486 --> 01:09:57,865
[humming epic tune]

1265
01:10:03,829 --> 01:10:06,582
One door we knocked on,
they opened the door,

1266
01:10:06,665 --> 01:10:08,542
they were like,
"Oh, my God, you're famous!"

1267
01:10:08,625 --> 01:10:09,960
I was like…

1268
01:10:13,922 --> 01:10:16,508
We go all the way up, cross the street,
come all the way back.

1269
01:10:16,592 --> 01:10:20,053
By the time we get to the car,
the bucket is overflowing with candy.

1270
01:10:20,137 --> 01:10:23,307
Okay? So we get back to the house,
and it hasn't even been an hour.

1271
01:10:23,390 --> 01:10:27,060
We walk in, and Frankie's mom is pissed.

1272
01:10:27,144 --> 01:10:29,855
She's like, "What the hell is this?"

1273
01:10:31,023 --> 01:10:32,107
I go, "What?"

1274
01:10:32,232 --> 01:10:34,234
"I thought I told you
to take him trick-or-treating."

1275
01:10:34,318 --> 01:10:37,070
I go, "I did. Like, show the score."

1276
01:10:39,823 --> 01:10:44,244
"The whole point of you taking him
trick-or-treating wasn't to get candy."

1277
01:10:49,249 --> 01:10:50,667
"The hell you say."

1278
01:10:52,544 --> 01:10:54,046
"What was the point?"

1279
01:10:54,129 --> 01:10:57,382
"The point was for the two of you
to spend time together, have some laughs,

1280
01:10:57,466 --> 01:10:59,968
have some conversations,
get to know one another."

1281
01:11:00,052 --> 01:11:02,012
"You're not going to do that in an hour."

1282
01:11:02,095 --> 01:11:06,517
"Can you please, for me,
take him out one more time

1283
01:11:07,267 --> 01:11:09,061
for at least an hour?"

1284
01:11:09,144 --> 01:11:11,605
"Baby, I get it,
don't even worry about it, I got it."

1285
01:11:11,688 --> 01:11:15,567
So I said, "Frankie, come on.
Dump out your bucket. Round two."

1286
01:11:17,444 --> 01:11:18,987
So we go outside, we get in the car…

1287
01:11:19,071 --> 01:11:21,615
[imitates doors, engine]

1288
01:11:21,698 --> 01:11:25,118
I don't want to go door-to-door again,
so I say, "I got an idea."

1289
01:11:25,577 --> 01:11:28,539
I take Frankie to Walmart.

1290
01:11:30,207 --> 01:11:32,960
We get to Walmart, and Frankie goes,
"What are we doing here?"

1291
01:11:33,043 --> 01:11:34,378
"I got it, watch."

1292
01:11:34,461 --> 01:11:36,880
We walk in, I said, "Grab a cart."

1293
01:11:37,673 --> 01:11:38,632
"Follow me."

1294
01:11:38,715 --> 01:11:42,678
And I lead Frankie all the way
to the candy section.

1295
01:11:42,761 --> 01:11:45,931
As soon as we get
to the candy section, I stop the cart.

1296
01:11:46,557 --> 01:11:48,642
And I got in Frankie's face and I said,

1297
01:11:48,725 --> 01:11:53,564
"Frankie, you have exactly 30 seconds
to grab as much candy as you can."

1298
01:11:54,147 --> 01:11:55,649
"Ready? Go!"

1299
01:11:56,692 --> 01:11:57,734
And he froze.

1300
01:12:02,197 --> 01:12:03,866
I said, "Dude, clock's ticking, move."

1301
01:12:03,949 --> 01:12:04,992
"Oh, my God!"

1302
01:12:05,075 --> 01:12:07,452
So he grabs a bag, looks at it,
throws it in the cart.

1303
01:12:07,536 --> 01:12:09,913
Grabs a second bag,
looks at it, throws it in the cart.

1304
01:12:09,997 --> 01:12:12,791
Grabs a third bag, and on the third bag…

1305
01:12:12,875 --> 01:12:14,293
"Time!"

1306
01:12:14,376 --> 01:12:17,588
And it was the first time
I heard him go, "Shit!"

1307
01:12:20,299 --> 01:12:22,968
'Cause he knew he wasted
that golden opportunity,

1308
01:12:23,051 --> 01:12:24,678
those first few seconds.

1309
01:12:24,761 --> 01:12:27,598
So we get to the car,
I rip open the three bags,

1310
01:12:27,681 --> 01:12:31,435
I dump them out in his bucket,
and I tell him, "Look, Frankie,

1311
01:12:31,518 --> 01:12:32,936
when we get home,

1312
01:12:33,520 --> 01:12:36,523
you cannot tell your mom
that we went to Walmart."

1313
01:12:37,107 --> 01:12:38,400
"Why not?"

1314
01:12:38,483 --> 01:12:41,111
"Because she's gonna say
that we cheated trick-or-treating."

1315
01:12:41,737 --> 01:12:43,614
"But it's better." "I know it's better."

1316
01:12:45,157 --> 01:12:48,911
So we get home,
and of course now it's a different tone.

1317
01:12:48,994 --> 01:12:53,332
She's like, "There you are.
Did you guys have a good time?"

1318
01:12:53,415 --> 01:12:56,043
"We had a great time, baby.
We had a good time, huh, Frankie?"

1319
01:12:58,086 --> 01:13:00,631
"That's good.
Frankie, give me your candy."

1320
01:13:01,757 --> 01:13:03,091
"Why, Mom?"

1321
01:13:03,175 --> 01:13:08,555
"Because I need to go through your candy
to make sure it's safe for you to eat."

1322
01:13:08,639 --> 01:13:11,308
"Why wouldn't it be safe?
It all came from…"

1323
01:13:11,391 --> 01:13:15,062
[in Spanish] "Shut up, you idiot! Shut up.
Shut up, you son of a bitch. Shut up."

1324
01:13:18,732 --> 01:13:20,817
He almost took down the empire,
know what I'm saying?

1325
01:13:22,069 --> 01:13:24,738
So he hands over the bucket
and she grabs it

1326
01:13:24,821 --> 01:13:28,283
and immediately dumps it out
on the table right in front of us.

1327
01:13:28,367 --> 01:13:29,576
She notices, you know.

1328
01:13:30,994 --> 01:13:33,580
"There's a lot of the same candy
right here."

1329
01:13:34,456 --> 01:13:37,960
"A lot of the same candy."

1330
01:13:39,002 --> 01:13:44,174
"Can you explain why there's so much
of the same candy in Frankie's bucket?"

1331
01:13:44,800 --> 01:13:46,218
"I don't know what to tell you, baby,

1332
01:13:46,301 --> 01:13:48,679
there's a lot of basic bitches
in this neighborhood."

1333
01:13:49,263 --> 01:13:51,557
"We can't go back to that other
neighborhood because they got cameras

1334
01:13:51,640 --> 01:13:55,519
and they're gonna know us
and we don't want to be 'that person.'"

1335
01:13:56,562 --> 01:13:59,940
So fast forward one year.

1336
01:14:00,023 --> 01:14:03,569
It is now October 31st, 2008.

1337
01:14:03,652 --> 01:14:07,364
And for some reason,
I'm not booked on Halloween again.

1338
01:14:07,489 --> 01:14:11,285
And so my girl's like,
she swears up and down.

1339
01:14:11,368 --> 01:14:13,620
"Oh, it's a sign, it's a sign."

1340
01:14:13,704 --> 01:14:16,248
I'm like, "It's a sign
my agent is slacking."

1341
01:14:19,877 --> 01:14:22,838
Shout-out, Matt, I know you're here.
Sorry about that joke.

1342
01:14:23,338 --> 01:14:25,257
You're doing a great job,
thank you for this one,

1343
01:14:25,340 --> 01:14:27,634
but that year you dropped the ball, so…

1344
01:14:29,636 --> 01:14:30,637
But anyway…

1345
01:14:30,721 --> 01:14:33,307
[chuckles]

1346
01:14:33,390 --> 01:14:37,603
And so Frankie's mom is like,
"I think that, you know what?"

1347
01:14:37,686 --> 01:14:40,981
"Maybe, just maybe,
we can make this like a tradition."

1348
01:14:41,064 --> 01:14:42,733
"This could be you guys' thing:

1349
01:14:42,816 --> 01:14:44,526
the two of you go out trick-or-treating

1350
01:14:44,610 --> 01:14:46,612
and then I'll stay home
and give out candy."

1351
01:14:46,695 --> 01:14:47,696
"This could be your thing."

1352
01:14:47,779 --> 01:14:50,032
I go, "You know what, baby,
sounds good to me."

1353
01:14:50,115 --> 01:14:53,535
"Frankie, come on,
we're going trick-or-treating."

1354
01:14:53,619 --> 01:14:55,704
"What about my mom?"
"She's gonna stay home again."

1355
01:14:55,787 --> 01:14:56,788
"Yay!"

1356
01:15:00,417 --> 01:15:02,044
So we get outside, we get in the car.

1357
01:15:02,127 --> 01:15:03,212
[imitates doors closing]

1358
01:15:03,295 --> 01:15:05,589
I lean over and I look at Frankie
and I said,

1359
01:15:05,672 --> 01:15:08,217
"Frankie, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?"

1360
01:15:10,135 --> 01:15:11,303
"Walmart!"

1361
01:15:16,225 --> 01:15:17,559
We pull up to Walmart.

1362
01:15:17,643 --> 01:15:19,686
[engine revs, tires squeal, doors slam]

1363
01:15:19,770 --> 01:15:22,314
We walked in, I said,
"Frankie, grab a cart."

1364
01:15:22,397 --> 01:15:23,857
"Follow me!"

1365
01:15:23,941 --> 01:15:27,528
And I lead him all the way
to the candy section.

1366
01:15:27,986 --> 01:15:31,240
As soon as we get to the candy section,
I stop the cart and I get in his face.

1367
01:15:31,323 --> 01:15:34,535
I said, "Frankie,
you have exactly 30 seconds

1368
01:15:34,618 --> 01:15:36,662
to grab as much candy as you can."

1369
01:15:36,745 --> 01:15:38,789
"Ready? Go!"

1370
01:15:39,790 --> 01:15:44,253
Apparently, this motherfucker
was training all year for this.

1371
01:15:51,802 --> 01:15:55,472
As soon as I said "Go!" his arm, bam,
and he starts gutting the shelf.

1372
01:15:55,597 --> 01:15:58,809
He's ripping bags of candy into the cart.

1373
01:15:58,892 --> 01:16:01,854
He overflowed the shopping cart
in ten seconds.

1374
01:16:01,937 --> 01:16:04,940
I firmly believe
that's the first day of my diabetes.

1375
01:16:10,529 --> 01:16:14,032
And that's a story that
I've been sharing, you know, at parties

1376
01:16:14,116 --> 01:16:17,411
and just close friends, and I just
recently started telling it onstage.

1377
01:16:17,494 --> 01:16:20,247
And he overheard me one time
saying the story,

1378
01:16:20,330 --> 01:16:22,207
and he's like, "Really? Still?"

1379
01:16:22,291 --> 01:16:24,501
I'm like, "It's a good story!"

1380
01:16:24,626 --> 01:16:26,753
"You're the hero!"

1381
01:16:28,255 --> 01:16:30,757
And, you know, some things transpire.

1382
01:16:30,841 --> 01:16:34,052
And, uh, one day he wanted
to have a conversation with me,

1383
01:16:34,136 --> 01:16:35,679
and he caught me off guard.

1384
01:16:35,762 --> 01:16:37,347
He's like, "Can I talk to you, Dad?"

1385
01:16:37,431 --> 01:16:38,974
"Yeah, what's up?"

1386
01:16:39,057 --> 01:16:40,851
"I have something I want to tell you."

1387
01:16:40,934 --> 01:16:41,935
"Okay, what's up?"

1388
01:16:42,019 --> 01:16:43,061
"It's important."

1389
01:16:43,145 --> 01:16:44,188
"Okay."

1390
01:16:45,355 --> 01:16:47,107
"It's serious."

1391
01:16:50,194 --> 01:16:52,237
"Can you please sit down?"

1392
01:16:55,866 --> 01:16:57,618
"How far along is she?"

1393
01:16:59,203 --> 01:17:02,039
"What are you talking about?"
"What are you talking about?"

1394
01:17:02,122 --> 01:17:04,041
"Don't be scaring me, dude."

1395
01:17:04,666 --> 01:17:06,293
"It's about us." "Okay."

1396
01:17:06,376 --> 01:17:07,419
"What's up?"

1397
01:17:08,420 --> 01:17:09,713
He tells me…

1398
01:17:10,797 --> 01:17:13,175
"Can you please stop making fun of me?"

1399
01:17:15,427 --> 01:17:17,387
And when he said it, I felt it,

1400
01:17:17,471 --> 01:17:20,057
because I knew how hard it was
for him to bring that up.

1401
01:17:20,140 --> 01:17:22,392
And I said,
"How long have you felt this way?"

1402
01:17:22,476 --> 01:17:23,852
"My whole life."

1403
01:17:25,771 --> 01:17:28,482
"Have you ever tried
to bring this up in the past?"

1404
01:17:28,565 --> 01:17:29,525
"Yeah."

1405
01:17:30,317 --> 01:17:31,610
"What did I say?"

1406
01:17:31,693 --> 01:17:33,487
"You told me to put on deodorant."

1407
01:17:39,993 --> 01:17:41,119
"It worked."

1408
01:17:42,871 --> 01:17:44,873
"Look, Frankie, um…

1409
01:17:45,916 --> 01:17:49,002
I didn't know how to be a dad, okay?"

1410
01:17:49,086 --> 01:17:52,756
"It was one of those things where there
were certain things I didn't want to do."

1411
01:17:52,840 --> 01:17:56,176
"I knew that I never
wanted to yell at you,

1412
01:17:56,260 --> 01:17:59,263
and I knew for a fact
that I never wanted to hit you."

1413
01:17:59,346 --> 01:18:03,183
"So I did the best thing I could do
with what I knew how to do."

1414
01:18:03,267 --> 01:18:04,852
"I made fun of you!"

1415
01:18:06,186 --> 01:18:07,604
"That's called shaming."

1416
01:18:08,897 --> 01:18:10,065
"This year."

1417
01:18:14,111 --> 01:18:17,906
"Look, if you don't want me
to do any more stories or jokes

1418
01:18:17,990 --> 01:18:19,783
or just make fun, I understand."

1419
01:18:19,867 --> 01:18:23,161
It's one of those things where
I didn't want to make him feel bad,

1420
01:18:23,245 --> 01:18:25,455
and I don't want to feel bad,
you know what I mean?

1421
01:18:25,539 --> 01:18:31,044
So I said, "Look, I'm going
to let the audience know that we spoke."

1422
01:18:31,128 --> 01:18:35,674
"And… so that they understand
why, moving forward,

1423
01:18:35,757 --> 01:18:39,386
in the future, there will be
no more stories about Frankie."

1424
01:18:39,970 --> 01:18:41,346
"Why is that important?"

1425
01:18:41,430 --> 01:18:44,308
"Because if I don't explain
why I stopped talking about you,

1426
01:18:44,391 --> 01:18:46,393
they're gonna think you died."

1427
01:18:47,853 --> 01:18:50,522
"I don't want--" "I don't want them
to think you died either."

1428
01:18:50,606 --> 01:18:53,025
Gave him a big hug,
reminded him how much I love him,

1429
01:18:53,108 --> 01:18:56,111
'cause I love him very much,
and I hope he knows that.

1430
01:18:57,946 --> 01:18:59,740
[cheering]

1431
01:19:02,326 --> 01:19:07,497
I think that a lot of the issues
and frustrations we've had for a while now

1432
01:19:07,581 --> 01:19:10,959
have a lot to do with the fact
that I am no longer with his mom.

1433
01:19:12,377 --> 01:19:15,589
I don't want you guys to think that
I'm going to start doing jokes about her.

1434
01:19:15,672 --> 01:19:17,049
I'm not.

1435
01:19:17,132 --> 01:19:20,636
I have absolutely nothing bad
to say about the woman I was with

1436
01:19:20,761 --> 01:19:22,262
for almost 14 years.

1437
01:19:22,346 --> 01:19:26,225
Okay? Nothing bad, nothing negative,
nothing derogatory, nothing…

1438
01:19:26,308 --> 01:19:27,935
nothing short of awesome.

1439
01:19:28,018 --> 01:19:29,978
Nothing short of good vibes, okay?

1440
01:19:30,062 --> 01:19:33,106
I have nothing bad to say about her.

1441
01:19:33,190 --> 01:19:35,692
And not just because I signed
a piece of paper

1442
01:19:35,776 --> 01:19:37,402
that said I wouldn't say anything bad.

1443
01:19:39,321 --> 01:19:42,241
But because, at the end of the day,
that is still my son's mom

1444
01:19:42,324 --> 01:19:45,077
and I need to make sure
she continues to support me

1445
01:19:45,160 --> 01:19:46,787
being his dad.

1446
01:19:46,870 --> 01:19:48,539
So you got to keep it cool.

1447
01:19:51,500 --> 01:19:54,711
I will tell you, though, that I did not
handle the breakup well.

1448
01:19:55,337 --> 01:19:59,800
She was, in fact,
the first breakup, like real--

1449
01:19:59,883 --> 01:20:01,426
She was my first true love.

1450
01:20:01,510 --> 01:20:04,471
I'll just say it,
she was my first true love.

1451
01:20:04,555 --> 01:20:06,473
And I did not handle it well.

1452
01:20:07,140 --> 01:20:10,060
You're supposed to have
your heart broken when you're, like, 12.

1453
01:20:11,144 --> 01:20:12,354
When you have your first crush.

1454
01:20:12,437 --> 01:20:15,399
That's when you're supposed to have
your first heartache, not in your forties.

1455
01:20:16,441 --> 01:20:19,361
It's supposed to be when you're young,
you're little, you're resilient.

1456
01:20:19,444 --> 01:20:22,030
You realize it's not going to work out,
so you're devastated.

1457
01:20:22,114 --> 01:20:24,491
"No!"

1458
01:20:24,575 --> 01:20:28,203
♪ And I… ♪

1459
01:20:28,287 --> 01:20:29,413
Yeah.

1460
01:20:30,080 --> 01:20:31,707
Not when you're in your forties.

1461
01:20:32,499 --> 01:20:35,586
So, without divulging
too much information,

1462
01:20:35,669 --> 01:20:41,008
let me just tell you that,
when everything was finalized,

1463
01:20:41,592 --> 01:20:43,760
I was at the gas station
and I got a text message

1464
01:20:43,886 --> 01:20:47,055
basically saying,
"Everything's been signed."

1465
01:20:47,139 --> 01:20:49,224
"It's official, it's turned in."

1466
01:20:49,308 --> 01:20:51,518
And I'm like, "Oh, wow, okay."

1467
01:20:51,602 --> 01:20:55,480
I get in the car, I start the car,
and then I put it in drive.

1468
01:20:55,564 --> 01:20:56,773
And that's when it hit.

1469
01:20:56,857 --> 01:20:58,567
That's when it became real.

1470
01:20:58,650 --> 01:21:00,861
That's when it was like, "Oh, my God."

1471
01:21:00,944 --> 01:21:05,032
"I can no longer go home."

1472
01:21:06,033 --> 01:21:08,493
That's no longer an option.
I have messed things up.

1473
01:21:08,577 --> 01:21:11,163
I can no longer go back
to what I called home.

1474
01:21:11,246 --> 01:21:14,666
I have to restart my life right then
and there at the gas station.

1475
01:21:14,750 --> 01:21:16,376
And I had a full-blown meltdown.

1476
01:21:16,460 --> 01:21:19,421
And some of you know that
my tour came to an end a while back

1477
01:21:19,504 --> 01:21:21,715
and people were wondering,
is it drugs, is it alcohol,

1478
01:21:21,798 --> 01:21:22,925
is it mental health?

1479
01:21:24,051 --> 01:21:25,636
I was going through my first breakup.

1480
01:21:25,719 --> 01:21:27,679
How was I supposed to be
an effective comedian

1481
01:21:27,763 --> 01:21:29,223
when I couldn't stop crying?

1482
01:21:29,848 --> 01:21:31,183
You know what I mean? It was bad.

1483
01:21:31,266 --> 01:21:34,144
And you guys have heard the shows before,
you know I never bring this up.

1484
01:21:34,228 --> 01:21:36,980
It was the lowest point of my life.

1485
01:21:38,941 --> 01:21:42,194
I had never felt so sad, weak,
vulnerable, depressed, lonely,

1486
01:21:42,277 --> 01:21:44,029
everything all rolled into one.

1487
01:21:44,112 --> 01:21:49,826
And it was at the lowest point
of my life that I found…

1488
01:22:00,128 --> 01:22:01,713
That's right, country music.

1489
01:22:02,965 --> 01:22:06,218
Country music knows when you're sad.
Country music knows when you're weak.

1490
01:22:06,301 --> 01:22:10,556
Country music knows when you're vulnerable
and you need something to fill the void.

1491
01:22:10,639 --> 01:22:12,140
I used to fight off country music.

1492
01:22:12,224 --> 01:22:14,852
I used to look country music
in the face and tell country,

1493
01:22:14,977 --> 01:22:17,604
"You can take your achy-breaky heart,
you keep on movin'."

1494
01:22:18,397 --> 01:22:20,232
But not today.
Let me tell you what's going on.

1495
01:22:20,315 --> 01:22:25,487
I'm in the car and I'm crying so much,
my tears are rolling down my cheek

1496
01:22:25,571 --> 01:22:27,573
and they're blending with my snot.

1497
01:22:27,656 --> 01:22:29,074
They're blending with my mocos.

1498
01:22:29,157 --> 01:22:31,118
My tears are blending with my mocos,

1499
01:22:31,201 --> 01:22:33,287
and then blending
with my babas, with my drool.

1500
01:22:33,370 --> 01:22:36,373
I have three different fluids
coming out of my face

1501
01:22:36,456 --> 01:22:37,499
at the same time.

1502
01:22:37,583 --> 01:22:40,210
My neck looked like menudo.
It was bad.

1503
01:22:40,836 --> 01:22:44,131
All I needed was a pinch of limón
and say, "That's it, right there."

1504
01:22:45,132 --> 01:22:48,635
I am making ugly sounds,
and I don't want to hear myself,

1505
01:22:48,719 --> 01:22:51,388
so I turn on the stereo,
and I started hitting buttons.

1506
01:22:51,471 --> 01:22:53,724
And it lands on the country station.

1507
01:22:53,807 --> 01:22:57,269
And I knew immediately that it was
country music I was listening to,

1508
01:22:57,352 --> 01:23:00,814
and I did not try to change the station,

1509
01:23:00,898 --> 01:23:02,566
because I figured, you know what?

1510
01:23:03,609 --> 01:23:06,904
I deserve to suffer more

1511
01:23:08,071 --> 01:23:10,699
for the mistakes I made
and the people I hurt.

1512
01:23:10,782 --> 01:23:12,242
So I let it play.

1513
01:23:12,326 --> 01:23:13,994
And play and play and play.

1514
01:23:14,077 --> 01:23:16,371
I listened to country music
for over an hour

1515
01:23:16,455 --> 01:23:18,582
and I came to this conclusion:

1516
01:23:18,665 --> 01:23:23,879
country music has at least one song
that will speak to your heart directly

1517
01:23:24,004 --> 01:23:27,174
because you feel like the artist
wrote the song

1518
01:23:27,257 --> 01:23:30,093
specifically about you and your life,

1519
01:23:30,177 --> 01:23:33,013
because of how detailed the songs are.

1520
01:23:33,847 --> 01:23:36,808
Oh, yeah, my hat's off
to country music singers and artists.

1521
01:23:36,892 --> 01:23:39,686
You guys, you know how to do
something very well,

1522
01:23:39,770 --> 01:23:43,941
and it's not till you experience a certain
time of your life that it makes sense.

1523
01:23:44,024 --> 01:23:47,110
I'm in that car bawling
and all of the sudden on the radio,

1524
01:23:47,194 --> 01:23:48,153
I hear this…

1525
01:23:48,946 --> 01:23:54,117
♪ It's been seven days ♪

1526
01:23:54,201 --> 01:23:55,953
♪ Since you seen her ♪

1527
01:24:00,082 --> 01:24:02,626
How does he know it's been
seven days since I've seen her?

1528
01:24:03,794 --> 01:24:07,422
♪ You just can't
Get her off your mind ♪

1529
01:24:07,506 --> 01:24:09,967
♪ 'Cause every little thing
That you do or say ♪

1530
01:24:10,050 --> 01:24:12,886
♪ Is another reason
You pushed her away ♪

1531
01:24:12,970 --> 01:24:15,347
♪ And now you're sittin' in your car ♪

1532
01:24:15,430 --> 01:24:16,598
♪ All alone ♪

1533
01:24:16,682 --> 01:24:18,308
Waaaa!

1534
01:24:18,976 --> 01:24:21,144
How does he know?

1535
01:24:21,228 --> 01:24:22,604
Make it stop!

1536
01:24:22,688 --> 01:24:24,731
And it doesn't stop,
it keeps kicking you on the ground,

1537
01:24:24,815 --> 01:24:26,859
reminding you
what a piece of crap you are.

1538
01:24:26,942 --> 01:24:29,945
♪ You should have gone home
And locked the door ♪

1539
01:24:30,028 --> 01:24:32,322
♪ But you was outside being a whore ♪

1540
01:24:32,406 --> 01:24:34,449
♪ And now you're sittin' in your car ♪

1541
01:24:34,533 --> 01:24:36,243
♪ All alone ♪

1542
01:24:37,202 --> 01:24:39,413
So moving forward,
it's been over a year now,

1543
01:24:39,496 --> 01:24:42,541
and the same question has been asked
over and over again:

1544
01:24:42,624 --> 01:24:43,876
"So, what now?"

1545
01:24:43,959 --> 01:24:46,712
"Are you gonna start over,
you gonna get back up on that horse,

1546
01:24:46,795 --> 01:24:48,881
you gonna get a girlfriend,
you gonna get a wife,

1547
01:24:48,964 --> 01:24:50,924
start a new family,
what are you gonna do?"

1548
01:24:51,008 --> 01:24:53,177
And I'm like, "I got dogs."

1549
01:24:54,011 --> 01:24:55,012
"I'm good right now."

1550
01:24:55,095 --> 01:24:58,223
I know what it's like
to be single for a long time,

1551
01:24:58,307 --> 01:25:01,143
and I know what it's like to be
in a relationship for a long time.

1552
01:25:01,226 --> 01:25:03,395
And there's pros and cons to both.

1553
01:25:03,478 --> 01:25:05,814
I can only speak for the guys on this one.

1554
01:25:06,940 --> 01:25:07,941
Some guys.

1555
01:25:09,568 --> 01:25:12,446
Guys, you ever been single so long,
you start to question

1556
01:25:12,529 --> 01:25:14,031
whether or not it's by choice?

1557
01:25:16,408 --> 01:25:18,368
And then you find yourself
saying things like,

1558
01:25:18,452 --> 01:25:21,455
"Guess I'll be single forever,
you know, just nobody wants me."

1559
01:25:21,538 --> 01:25:24,249
♪ Nobody wants me, nobody wants me ♪

1560
01:25:24,875 --> 01:25:27,169
Some of you are laughing
'cause you have that friend.

1561
01:25:27,961 --> 01:25:30,339
A lot of you are quiet,
'cause that's you right now.

1562
01:25:31,882 --> 01:25:33,884
And then you notice
how sometimes all it takes

1563
01:25:33,967 --> 01:25:36,303
are just a couple of minor changes,

1564
01:25:36,386 --> 01:25:39,014
a couple of minor adjustments
to get back in the game.

1565
01:25:39,139 --> 01:25:41,642
Like, maybe you start
cutting your hair different.

1566
01:25:41,725 --> 01:25:43,352
Maybe you start dressing better.

1567
01:25:43,435 --> 01:25:46,563
Maybe you start, I don't know,
showering and shit.

1568
01:25:47,731 --> 01:25:50,067
Someone takes notice
and decides to give you a chance,

1569
01:25:50,192 --> 01:25:51,902
and now you're back in the game.

1570
01:25:51,985 --> 01:25:55,948
And there's no greater feeling
in the world

1571
01:25:56,031 --> 01:25:57,908
than that of being
in a brand-new relationship

1572
01:25:57,991 --> 01:25:59,076
'cause you're just so happy.

1573
01:25:59,201 --> 01:26:02,913
You're so happy, you're the most
optimistic person in the world.

1574
01:26:02,996 --> 01:26:05,123
Nothing can mess your day up
when it's brand-new.

1575
01:26:05,207 --> 01:26:07,793
You can miss your bus on the way to work.

1576
01:26:07,876 --> 01:26:10,128
[imitates bus passing]

1577
01:26:10,212 --> 01:26:11,672
"There'll be another."

1578
01:26:15,592 --> 01:26:16,718
You could get fired.

1579
01:26:16,802 --> 01:26:18,345
"Guess it wasn't meant to be."

1580
01:26:19,179 --> 01:26:20,681
You are so freaking happy.

1581
01:26:20,764 --> 01:26:24,059
And then you start to reflect
on your life before the relationship,

1582
01:26:24,184 --> 01:26:25,978
and you remember
how you would look at your phone

1583
01:26:26,061 --> 01:26:27,604
and it would never ring.

1584
01:26:28,730 --> 01:26:31,358
You thought it was broken
because there's no text messages.

1585
01:26:31,441 --> 01:26:33,485
You look at your DMs, nothing.

1586
01:26:33,569 --> 01:26:37,155
But the minute you get
into a brand-new relationship,

1587
01:26:37,239 --> 01:26:39,199
like magic, your phone…
[imitates buzzing]

1588
01:26:41,034 --> 01:26:42,786
Text message. Ding!

1589
01:26:42,870 --> 01:26:45,581
Your social media,
now you got numbers in there.

1590
01:26:45,664 --> 01:26:48,709
People in the street are talking to you,
and then you say this out loud.

1591
01:26:48,792 --> 01:26:53,046
"Where were all these people at
when I was single?"

1592
01:26:53,797 --> 01:26:56,800
Answer: they were there the whole time.

1593
01:26:56,884 --> 01:27:01,013
The difference is,
you were not this happy.

1594
01:27:01,096 --> 01:27:02,806
I found out that happiness

1595
01:27:02,890 --> 01:27:05,559
is one of the most attractive things
in the world.

1596
01:27:05,642 --> 01:27:08,854
Who doesn't want to be
around someone who's positive?

1597
01:27:08,937 --> 01:27:11,565
You know? Unless you got Covid.
Never mind.

1598
01:27:13,275 --> 01:27:15,903
Nice, pleasant. A joy to be around.

1599
01:27:16,778 --> 01:27:17,821
Good energy.

1600
01:27:18,739 --> 01:27:22,159
You know who really notices
just how happy you are, guys,

1601
01:27:22,284 --> 01:27:24,369
when it's that brand-new relationship?

1602
01:27:24,453 --> 01:27:25,913
Other women.

1603
01:27:25,996 --> 01:27:27,831
Not your woman.

1604
01:27:27,915 --> 01:27:29,082
Other women.

1605
01:27:29,166 --> 01:27:31,543
They can't help but notice
how happy you are.

1606
01:27:31,627 --> 01:27:33,337
They stare at you and they point.

1607
01:27:33,420 --> 01:27:34,922
"Look at him."

1608
01:27:35,005 --> 01:27:38,091
"Look how happy he is."

1609
01:27:39,551 --> 01:27:41,512
"I bet I can change that."

1610
01:27:44,890 --> 01:27:49,269
Guys, you are now blood in the water,
and the sharks are out.

1611
01:27:49,353 --> 01:27:51,772
And if you've never been hunted before,

1612
01:27:51,855 --> 01:27:54,024
it is one of the scariest things
in the world.

1613
01:27:54,107 --> 01:27:57,361
'Cause usually you don't know
you're being hunted until it's too late.

1614
01:27:57,444 --> 01:28:00,405
You're over there minding your business,
you're in your relationship,

1615
01:28:00,489 --> 01:28:04,117
you're trying to make it work,
and here they come.

1616
01:28:04,201 --> 01:28:06,161
[imitating "Theme from Jaws"]

1617
01:28:12,834 --> 01:28:16,088
Before you know it, it's too late,
she's got ahold of you

1618
01:28:16,171 --> 01:28:18,757
and she has you pinned down
in the back seat of a car.

1619
01:28:19,800 --> 01:28:20,926
And she's hitting you.

1620
01:28:21,009 --> 01:28:22,886
She's hitting you with a…

1621
01:28:22,970 --> 01:28:25,347
♪ Baby shark, do-do-do-do-do-do ♪

1622
01:28:25,430 --> 01:28:27,558
♪ Baby shark, do-do-do-do-do-do ♪

1623
01:28:27,641 --> 01:28:29,560
♪ Baby shark, do-do-do-do-do-do ♪

1624
01:28:29,643 --> 01:28:30,769
♪ Baby shark ♪

1625
01:28:32,437 --> 01:28:35,691
You will never look at that song
the same way again, you're welcome.

1626
01:28:38,068 --> 01:28:39,444
'Cause I'm a giver.

1627
01:28:40,863 --> 01:28:41,947
I know.

1628
01:28:42,781 --> 01:28:44,825
They're flashing. Okay, so, um…

1629
01:28:45,701 --> 01:28:47,995
Netflix is letting me know…

1630
01:28:48,078 --> 01:28:49,538
[laughing]

1631
01:28:49,621 --> 01:28:52,499
…that my one-hour special

1632
01:28:53,250 --> 01:28:56,336
has gone over by 37 minutes
and 30 seconds.

1633
01:28:56,420 --> 01:28:58,005
[cheering]

1634
01:29:04,469 --> 01:29:05,345
Um…

1635
01:29:07,055 --> 01:29:08,473
[man] Keep it going!

1636
01:29:08,557 --> 01:29:13,520
[cheering loudly]

1637
01:29:13,604 --> 01:29:17,524
[chanting "Fluffy!"]

1638
01:29:17,608 --> 01:29:18,567
Should I keep going?

1639
01:29:18,650 --> 01:29:19,985
[cheering]

1640
01:29:20,068 --> 01:29:21,320
Should I keep going?!

1641
01:29:21,403 --> 01:29:23,655
[cheering]

1642
01:29:26,116 --> 01:29:27,492
Netflix.

1643
01:29:28,493 --> 01:29:29,953
The people have spoken.

1644
01:29:35,083 --> 01:29:37,836
For legal reasons,

1645
01:29:37,920 --> 01:29:39,755
I must say this out loud.

1646
01:29:40,881 --> 01:29:45,677
I have officially fulfilled
my contractual obligation

1647
01:29:45,761 --> 01:29:48,472
with the good people of Los Angeles

1648
01:29:48,555 --> 01:29:49,932
and Netflix.

1649
01:29:54,645 --> 01:29:58,315
The show is technically over.

1650
01:29:59,441 --> 01:30:01,860
From this moment forward,

1651
01:30:01,944 --> 01:30:06,073
anything you hear, if you don't like it
or you don't think it's funny,

1652
01:30:06,156 --> 01:30:07,407
you can't get mad.

1653
01:30:08,951 --> 01:30:10,077
You can't get mad.

1654
01:30:10,953 --> 01:30:12,037
'Cause you didn't pay for it.

1655
01:30:14,373 --> 01:30:17,960
The show is now over.
This is now a Fluffy hangout.

1656
01:30:18,043 --> 01:30:19,336
[in Spanish] Fuck off.

1657
01:30:27,511 --> 01:30:30,180
[crowd chanting "Fluffy!"]

1658
01:30:33,767 --> 01:30:34,643
Thank you.

1659
01:30:43,443 --> 01:30:47,656
I'm gonna keep going,
but is it cool if I grab a soda?

1660
01:30:48,699 --> 01:30:49,741
Okay.

1661
01:30:49,825 --> 01:30:51,326
Because, wow, look.

1662
01:30:53,328 --> 01:30:54,329
Sorry.

1663
01:30:55,038 --> 01:30:58,458
That's why I said
the show is officially over.

1664
01:31:05,966 --> 01:31:07,092
All right.

1665
01:31:18,812 --> 01:31:21,064
[whistles]

1666
01:31:28,614 --> 01:31:31,867
To the city of Los Angeles
and all surrounding counties

1667
01:31:31,950 --> 01:31:34,119
and everyone who's here tonight,

1668
01:31:35,704 --> 01:31:36,747
salud!

1669
01:31:36,830 --> 01:31:39,041
[cheering]

1670
01:31:57,392 --> 01:31:59,937
I have a little bit more
I'd like to share with you

1671
01:32:00,854 --> 01:32:02,898
before I completely
start breaking down again.

1672
01:32:06,193 --> 01:32:09,404
Earlier tonight, I made a comment

1673
01:32:09,530 --> 01:32:12,074
about how there's some things about me

1674
01:32:12,157 --> 01:32:14,952
that you don't know yet
that are coming down the pike.

1675
01:32:15,827 --> 01:32:16,870
And…

1676
01:32:16,954 --> 01:32:17,955
[woman] Love you!

1677
01:32:18,038 --> 01:32:20,832
This next thing-- I love you too,
maybe not after this story.

1678
01:32:22,376 --> 01:32:23,377
Don't forget me.

1679
01:32:25,462 --> 01:32:29,633
The story that I'd like to share right now
happened a long time ago,

1680
01:32:29,716 --> 01:32:33,220
but based on today's rules,
that's what's concerning me.

1681
01:32:33,303 --> 01:32:35,430
I'm gonna share this story
in a different way.

1682
01:32:35,556 --> 01:32:39,101
I'm gonna tell you the ending first
and then tell you how it happened.

1683
01:32:39,726 --> 01:32:40,894
Like Star Wars.

1684
01:32:46,400 --> 01:32:48,902
At least by me giving you
the ending first,

1685
01:32:48,986 --> 01:32:52,739
it allows the people
that brought children to make a choice.

1686
01:32:55,200 --> 01:32:58,453
That's why-- see, you're already leaving.
I see how it is.

1687
01:32:58,537 --> 01:33:00,622
I'm sorry. Can't hang, huh? Okay.

1688
01:33:04,293 --> 01:33:05,586
Here's the end of the story.

1689
01:33:06,253 --> 01:33:07,796
When I walked offstage,

1690
01:33:07,880 --> 01:33:09,715
I was completely naked.

1691
01:33:11,842 --> 01:33:12,968
Here we go.

1692
01:33:15,220 --> 01:33:17,723
So 15 years ago plus,

1693
01:33:17,806 --> 01:33:20,475
I was doing a show with my friend Martin.

1694
01:33:21,935 --> 01:33:23,395
-[audience] Martin!
-That's right.

1695
01:33:25,189 --> 01:33:26,648
[in Spanish] Come on!

1696
01:33:27,482 --> 01:33:29,985
We were doing a show together
in Orlando, Florida,

1697
01:33:30,068 --> 01:33:31,904
at a comedy club called The Improv.

1698
01:33:31,987 --> 01:33:34,990
Now, The Improv is a comedy club chain
that's all across the country.

1699
01:33:35,073 --> 01:33:37,576
There's a couple here in Los Angeles,
so it's an awesome chain.

1700
01:33:37,659 --> 01:33:41,747
The difference between this comedy club
and any other clubs in the country

1701
01:33:41,830 --> 01:33:46,168
is that the dressing room
for the comics is actually on the stage.

1702
01:33:46,251 --> 01:33:49,421
Not only is it on the stage,
it's on the second floor.

1703
01:33:49,504 --> 01:33:53,800
So there's a door that opens up
and stairs that lead down to center stage.

1704
01:33:53,884 --> 01:33:56,053
So Martin is hosting and he introduces me.

1705
01:33:56,136 --> 01:33:57,804
"Gabriel Iglesias!"

1706
01:33:57,888 --> 01:34:01,266
And then here comes my big Cinderella ass
come down the stairs, right?

1707
01:34:02,017 --> 01:34:04,228
He hands me the microphone,
gives me a hug,

1708
01:34:04,311 --> 01:34:05,812
and then he whispers in my ear.

1709
01:34:05,896 --> 01:34:08,524
"Bro, order a shot of tequila,
I'll explain later."

1710
01:34:08,649 --> 01:34:09,650
"Okay."

1711
01:34:10,150 --> 01:34:13,487
I start the show and, shoot,
30 minutes go by.

1712
01:34:13,570 --> 01:34:15,030
And…

1713
01:34:15,113 --> 01:34:17,574
I have completely forgotten
about Martin's request.

1714
01:34:17,658 --> 01:34:20,410
So out of the corner of my eye,
I start seeing movement, and I turn,

1715
01:34:20,494 --> 01:34:22,704
and it's Martin, and he's like this.

1716
01:34:22,788 --> 01:34:24,831
And I'm like, "Oh, shoot, I forgot."

1717
01:34:24,915 --> 01:34:28,585
"I sure could go for a shot
of tequila right about now."

1718
01:34:28,669 --> 01:34:31,213
And here comes Martin
walking with the tray.

1719
01:34:31,296 --> 01:34:33,757
And the tray has two shots on it.

1720
01:34:33,841 --> 01:34:37,135
So I'm thinking, he must want to do
a toast to the audience, right?

1721
01:34:37,219 --> 01:34:39,054
Who knows? It's a Tuesday.

1722
01:34:40,430 --> 01:34:42,099
He comes down to the front row,

1723
01:34:42,182 --> 01:34:45,894
and I guess during his performance,
he was eyeballing some girl in the front.

1724
01:34:45,978 --> 01:34:50,315
And he wanted me, his friend,
to set up this magical moment

1725
01:34:50,399 --> 01:34:53,652
for him to do a tequila shot with her
so he could impress her

1726
01:34:53,735 --> 01:34:54,862
so he could, you know…

1727
01:34:55,529 --> 01:34:57,322
Martin!

1728
01:34:59,700 --> 01:35:00,909
Baby Shark!

1729
01:35:02,619 --> 01:35:05,914
So I look at the girl like, "I think
my friend wants to do a shot with you."

1730
01:35:05,998 --> 01:35:09,167
And she was excited, she was happy,
she's like, "Okay!"

1731
01:35:09,251 --> 01:35:11,879
Martin hears "okay" and he doubled down.

1732
01:35:11,962 --> 01:35:14,006
He's like, "Let's do body shots!"

1733
01:35:14,715 --> 01:35:16,842
And she stands up, "Okay!"

1734
01:35:16,925 --> 01:35:19,178
And the whole crowd is like, "Whoo!"

1735
01:35:19,261 --> 01:35:20,596
And I'm like, "What the hell?!"

1736
01:35:20,721 --> 01:35:24,725
Martin grabs a lime off the tray
and then he rubs it on his neck.

1737
01:35:24,808 --> 01:35:27,144
And then he takes salt
and sprinkles salt.

1738
01:35:27,227 --> 01:35:30,564
And then she snatches the lime
away from him

1739
01:35:30,647 --> 01:35:33,984
and rubs it all over her chest

1740
01:35:34,067 --> 01:35:36,403
'cause she's a whore.

1741
01:35:39,573 --> 01:35:41,783
Next thing you know,
they're making out in the front row,

1742
01:35:41,867 --> 01:35:43,493
and the whole crowd's going crazy.

1743
01:35:43,577 --> 01:35:45,579
"Martin! Martin! Martin!"

1744
01:35:45,662 --> 01:35:47,956
And they walked away together,
and I'm like, what the hell?

1745
01:35:48,040 --> 01:35:49,541
I didn't even get my shot!

1746
01:35:51,251 --> 01:35:53,462
A couple of minutes go by,
and here comes a guy,

1747
01:35:53,545 --> 01:35:56,757
and he walks up to the stage
and he's holding a shot glass,

1748
01:35:56,840 --> 01:35:59,426
and he goes,
"Hey, Fluffy, you can have mine!"

1749
01:35:59,510 --> 01:36:01,512
And he gave me his personal drink.

1750
01:36:01,595 --> 01:36:03,889
So I said, "Thank you, bro,
I appreciate that."

1751
01:36:03,972 --> 01:36:06,683
So I held it up and I said, "To Orlando!"

1752
01:36:06,808 --> 01:36:08,477
And everyone cheered, right?

1753
01:36:08,560 --> 01:36:10,646
And then I slammed the shot,
and then everyone cheered,

1754
01:36:10,771 --> 01:36:14,107
and then I gave him back the glass,
gave him a fist bump, and he walked away.

1755
01:36:14,191 --> 01:36:17,569
A couple of more minutes go by,
here comes another guy.

1756
01:36:17,653 --> 01:36:19,404
And this guy's holding a glass.

1757
01:36:20,155 --> 01:36:22,366
Not a shot glass, a glass glass.

1758
01:36:22,449 --> 01:36:25,202
And he gets to the front
and he holds it up and he goes,

1759
01:36:25,285 --> 01:36:28,121
"Hey, Fluffy, take mine!"

1760
01:36:29,414 --> 01:36:32,709
And I grab the glass,
and it's full of black stuff.

1761
01:36:33,418 --> 01:36:35,045
I said, "What is that?"

1762
01:36:35,128 --> 01:36:37,297
And he said, "That is Jäger."

1763
01:36:40,175 --> 01:36:41,385
"Excuse me?"

1764
01:36:41,468 --> 01:36:43,053
"Jäger!"

1765
01:36:43,136 --> 01:36:47,850
And it freaked me out because
he would not close his mouth.

1766
01:36:47,933 --> 01:36:49,017
"Jäger!"

1767
01:37:01,697 --> 01:37:04,366
I smelled the drink, it smelled sweet,
I said, "Oh, this is gonna be good."

1768
01:37:05,200 --> 01:37:07,119
So I held it up and I said,

1769
01:37:07,202 --> 01:37:08,203
"To Orlando!"

1770
01:37:08,287 --> 01:37:12,082
And everyone cheered, and then
I slammed this double shot of Jäger.

1771
01:37:15,127 --> 01:37:17,004
Oh, my God, it tasted like
expired NyQuil.

1772
01:37:17,087 --> 01:37:18,422
It was so bad.

1773
01:37:19,590 --> 01:37:21,967
The guy looks at me, he goes,
"What do you think?"

1774
01:37:22,050 --> 01:37:23,468
I didn't want to be rude.

1775
01:37:23,552 --> 01:37:26,763
He gave me his personal drink,
so I sucked it up, I'm like,

1776
01:37:26,889 --> 01:37:28,932
"It was good, it went down
the wrong way, I'm sorry."

1777
01:37:30,309 --> 01:37:32,644
[in Spanish] "It's for soothing a cough,
for a cough!"

1778
01:37:33,770 --> 01:37:35,772
I give him back the glass,
he takes the glass,

1779
01:37:35,898 --> 01:37:38,233
and then he does this,
he holds it up, and then he goes…

1780
01:37:40,152 --> 01:37:42,196
And he licked the entire rim.

1781
01:37:43,697 --> 01:37:48,035
I have seen enough episodes
of Law & Order: SVU to know

1782
01:37:48,118 --> 01:37:50,704
that if he commits a crime, I was there.

1783
01:37:51,872 --> 01:37:53,999
I'm like, "Dude,
what are you doing with the glass?"

1784
01:37:54,082 --> 01:37:56,919
He will not explain why he did that,
he's just laughing at me.

1785
01:37:57,002 --> 01:38:00,422
So I'm just following him
and questioning him.

1786
01:38:00,506 --> 01:38:01,548
He won't tell me.

1787
01:38:01,632 --> 01:38:03,175
I'm not paying attention.

1788
01:38:03,258 --> 01:38:06,720
I don't realize
that a small line has formed

1789
01:38:06,803 --> 01:38:09,306
on the other side of the stage

1790
01:38:09,389 --> 01:38:14,186
of people holding shots of Jäger.

1791
01:38:16,021 --> 01:38:19,775
The problem that I have
is that I'm a drinker.

1792
01:38:21,360 --> 01:38:22,319
Clearly.

1793
01:38:24,029 --> 01:38:25,280
And I have a rule.

1794
01:38:25,364 --> 01:38:30,619
If I'm at a bar and I'm sitting
at the bar, I'm in a drinking environment,

1795
01:38:30,702 --> 01:38:33,830
if someone sends me a shot,
I don't say no.

1796
01:38:33,914 --> 01:38:38,043
I say, "Thank you," I accept the shot,
and I tell the bartender, "Who sent it?"

1797
01:38:38,126 --> 01:38:41,213
so that I can lock eyes
with that person and go, "Thank you,"

1798
01:38:41,296 --> 01:38:44,675
and they can see me drink the shot
so they know it didn't go to waste.

1799
01:38:45,425 --> 01:38:47,261
If someone sends me a shot,
I take that as a compliment.

1800
01:38:47,344 --> 01:38:49,513
I think it's an awesome thing
if someone sends you a drink,

1801
01:38:49,596 --> 01:38:53,016
so when I send someone a drink,
I mean good intentions with that drink.

1802
01:38:53,100 --> 01:38:56,854
And if that person is, like, at the bar,
and they're like, "Ugh, no,"

1803
01:38:56,937 --> 01:38:58,105
I'd take offense to that.

1804
01:38:58,188 --> 01:38:59,857
I'm like, "Ugh, dick."

1805
01:39:01,859 --> 01:39:04,820
I don't want to make
someone feel that way,

1806
01:39:04,945 --> 01:39:06,697
so I know,
if I'm in a drinking environment,

1807
01:39:06,780 --> 01:39:08,073
I don't say no.

1808
01:39:08,156 --> 01:39:10,868
I have already established the fact

1809
01:39:10,993 --> 01:39:13,245
that this is a drinking environment.

1810
01:39:13,328 --> 01:39:14,746
I've already done two rounds.

1811
01:39:15,414 --> 01:39:16,832
And so I see what's going on,

1812
01:39:16,915 --> 01:39:19,376
and I'm looking for help
because that's a lot.

1813
01:39:19,459 --> 01:39:22,087
So I look for security,
and I'm like, "Security!"

1814
01:39:22,880 --> 01:39:25,591
And security sees, and security
was so clueless that night.

1815
01:39:25,674 --> 01:39:28,302
They're like, "Want me to help you drink?"
"No, stupid!"

1816
01:39:29,970 --> 01:39:32,639
Martin is gone somewhere,
security's clueless,

1817
01:39:32,723 --> 01:39:34,057
so I'm stuck on my own.

1818
01:39:34,141 --> 01:39:37,436
So I walk over and I start drinking.

1819
01:39:37,519 --> 01:39:40,981
I grabbed the first shot,
and I held it up and I said, "To Orlando!"

1820
01:39:41,064 --> 01:39:42,524
Boom!

1821
01:39:42,608 --> 01:39:44,318
Second one, "To Orlando!"

1822
01:39:44,401 --> 01:39:45,444
Boom!

1823
01:39:45,527 --> 01:39:48,280
Third one, "To Orlando!" Boom!

1824
01:39:48,363 --> 01:39:50,824
After about eight shots, I was like,

1825
01:39:50,908 --> 01:39:52,159
"To Nanando!"

1826
01:39:53,368 --> 01:39:54,411
Boom!

1827
01:39:54,494 --> 01:39:57,873
After about 12 shots,
I was like, "To Armando!"

1828
01:39:58,707 --> 01:40:00,250
Boom!

1829
01:40:00,334 --> 01:40:03,587
I did 17 shots of Jäger.

1830
01:40:06,465 --> 01:40:09,468
At this point, people are no longer
watching my show

1831
01:40:09,551 --> 01:40:11,345
for the sake of stand-up comedy,

1832
01:40:11,428 --> 01:40:13,805
they're watching a train wreck
and they don't want to leave

1833
01:40:13,889 --> 01:40:15,933
'cause they want to see
what's going to happen.

1834
01:40:16,058 --> 01:40:19,853
I am now reaching for number 18.

1835
01:40:19,937 --> 01:40:21,688
And as I'm reaching for it,

1836
01:40:21,772 --> 01:40:26,235
someone in the back
of the room yells out, "Take it off!"

1837
01:40:26,318 --> 01:40:29,571
And I was like, "You take it off!"

1838
01:40:29,655 --> 01:40:31,657
And then her boyfriend stands up.

1839
01:40:31,740 --> 01:40:35,869
"Hey! She'll take off
whatever you take off."

1840
01:40:35,953 --> 01:40:39,540
And all of the sudden, we had a party.

1841
01:40:43,043 --> 01:40:44,586
That girl came up onstage

1842
01:40:44,670 --> 01:40:47,798
and she was beautiful.

1843
01:40:48,799 --> 01:40:50,551
According to Jäger.

1844
01:40:54,638 --> 01:40:58,183
She's standing on the stage next to me,
but at this point I'm so gone,

1845
01:40:58,267 --> 01:40:59,852
I can barely finish a sentence.

1846
01:41:00,435 --> 01:41:02,312
So then the crowd starts chanting.

1847
01:41:02,396 --> 01:41:05,440
"Take it off! Take it off!"

1848
01:41:06,108 --> 01:41:08,193
I'm like, "Here we go,"
so I kick off a shoe.

1849
01:41:08,277 --> 01:41:09,736
She kicks off a sandal.

1850
01:41:09,820 --> 01:41:12,531
I kick off the other shoe,
she kicks off the other sandal.

1851
01:41:12,614 --> 01:41:14,241
Then we started going toe-to-toe.

1852
01:41:14,324 --> 01:41:20,122
Eventually I end up in my boxers
and nothing else.

1853
01:41:20,205 --> 01:41:23,292
And she's in a sports bra
and her underwear,

1854
01:41:23,375 --> 01:41:26,837
and it's her turn,
and we all know it's her turn.

1855
01:41:27,421 --> 01:41:29,631
And this is what I feel like
I might get in trouble for

1856
01:41:29,715 --> 01:41:31,466
because I was instigating.

1857
01:41:31,550 --> 01:41:32,759
I was like…

1858
01:41:32,843 --> 01:41:36,054
"Oh! Oh!"

1859
01:41:36,138 --> 01:41:39,474
"We're gonna see something.
We're gonna see something."

1860
01:41:39,558 --> 01:41:43,187
"I don't know what we're gonna see,
but we're gonna see something."

1861
01:41:43,270 --> 01:41:45,898
"It's either going to be
mo-mo or meow-meow."

1862
01:41:45,981 --> 01:41:48,025
"It's going to be something."

1863
01:41:49,943 --> 01:41:51,945
As soon as she heard "meow-meow…"

1864
01:41:52,571 --> 01:41:53,864
she ran off the stage,

1865
01:41:53,947 --> 01:41:56,658
and now I'm standing there in my boxers.

1866
01:41:57,409 --> 01:41:59,119
No one there to help me.

1867
01:41:59,203 --> 01:42:01,246
Finally, my friend shows up.

1868
01:42:01,330 --> 01:42:04,124
Martin comes out the door,
runs down the stairs,

1869
01:42:04,208 --> 01:42:06,084
takes the microphone away from me.

1870
01:42:06,168 --> 01:42:07,628
And he goes, "Get your ass upstairs."

1871
01:42:07,711 --> 01:42:10,839
I'm not paying attention,
I'm just looking at the ground, you know?

1872
01:42:10,923 --> 01:42:12,925
I am gone, I'm this guy.

1873
01:42:16,345 --> 01:42:18,597
I look like the end
of a Mortal Kombat game.

1874
01:42:22,184 --> 01:42:24,353
So, I'm not looking at Martin,
so he pops me in the chest.

1875
01:42:24,436 --> 01:42:25,395
He goes, "Hey!"

1876
01:42:26,897 --> 01:42:28,607
And I see Martin's face.

1877
01:42:28,690 --> 01:42:31,818
And his whole face is covered with salt.

1878
01:42:34,196 --> 01:42:35,781
'Cause he's a whore.

1879
01:42:37,908 --> 01:42:40,202
Martin says, "Get your ass upstairs!"
"Okay, Martin!"

1880
01:42:40,285 --> 01:42:43,664
So I start trying to walk up the stairs,
but I can't 'cause I'm too drunk,

1881
01:42:43,747 --> 01:42:45,958
so I got to do
that little baby bear crawl.

1882
01:42:46,041 --> 01:42:47,543
You know, that football thing
where you get on all fours.

1883
01:42:47,626 --> 01:42:50,504
And so I crawled
up the stairs like a little baby bear,

1884
01:42:50,587 --> 01:42:52,881
and when I got to the top,
everyone cheered.

1885
01:42:52,965 --> 01:42:54,216
"He made it!"

1886
01:42:54,967 --> 01:42:56,343
And so I'm, "Whoo!"

1887
01:42:56,426 --> 01:42:58,512
And Martin, he's just trying
to get me to go away.

1888
01:42:58,595 --> 01:43:02,182
He's like, "Ladies and gentlemen,
one more time for Mr. Gabriel Iglesias."

1889
01:43:02,266 --> 01:43:05,519
"This man gave you everything he had!"

1890
01:43:05,602 --> 01:43:08,480
"He almost got naked for you!"

1891
01:43:10,566 --> 01:43:11,942
And then I heard

1892
01:43:13,277 --> 01:43:14,570
"almost."

1893
01:43:15,946 --> 01:43:18,198
And a little devil appeared
on my shoulder.

1894
01:43:19,700 --> 01:43:22,077
And his name was Jäger!

1895
01:43:23,620 --> 01:43:26,790
And from the top of the stairs,
freakin' 3-2-1,

1896
01:43:26,874 --> 01:43:28,542
"I'll tell you what…"

1897
01:43:29,626 --> 01:43:32,462
And I threw my underwear at Martin.

1898
01:43:32,546 --> 01:43:35,883
Half the crowd saw my side naked profile,

1899
01:43:35,966 --> 01:43:37,926
the other half saw Pikachu.

1900
01:43:44,057 --> 01:43:48,395
Now, the problem with sharing
a story like that

1901
01:43:48,478 --> 01:43:53,233
is that people have questioned
the credibility of that story.

1902
01:43:53,317 --> 01:43:58,614
They say, "How is it possible
you could remember a story like that

1903
01:43:58,697 --> 01:44:02,701
with such detail
after drinking so many shots?"

1904
01:44:02,784 --> 01:44:05,454
And honestly, I don't.

1905
01:44:06,830 --> 01:44:08,749
But we recorded the show.

1906
01:44:11,251 --> 01:44:14,129
So I know the story very well, you know.

1907
01:44:14,796 --> 01:44:16,507
"She'll take off whatever you take off."

1908
01:44:16,590 --> 01:44:19,259
"She'll take off whatever you take off."

1909
01:44:19,343 --> 01:44:21,386
"She'll take off whatever you take off."

1910
01:44:21,470 --> 01:44:22,471
I know it very well.

1911
01:44:25,349 --> 01:44:28,185
The question that I've always
gotten over the years is,

1912
01:44:28,852 --> 01:44:30,687
you know, "Are your stories real?"

1913
01:44:30,771 --> 01:44:33,732
"You know, we hear these crazy stories,"
whether it's about me and Snoop Dogg

1914
01:44:33,815 --> 01:44:36,276
or Martin or all these different
adventures or my son Frankie.

1915
01:44:36,360 --> 01:44:39,905
People have always questioned
whether or not the stories are,

1916
01:44:39,988 --> 01:44:41,198
like, legit-legit.

1917
01:44:41,323 --> 01:44:44,535
And so in my last special, I addressed it.

1918
01:44:44,618 --> 01:44:46,787
I was tired of people asking
if my stories were real,

1919
01:44:46,870 --> 01:44:50,457
so to prove a point,
at the end of my last special that I did,

1920
01:44:50,541 --> 01:44:54,878
I included a photo of every single one
of the stories that I talked about

1921
01:44:54,962 --> 01:44:58,882
so that people would know
the stories are real.

1922
01:45:00,676 --> 01:45:01,927
And tonight…

1923
01:45:06,765 --> 01:45:08,100
is no exception.

1924
01:45:09,601 --> 01:45:10,686
So…

1925
01:45:12,312 --> 01:45:18,485
Did I really get naked onstage?

1926
01:45:21,196 --> 01:45:22,698
Ryan, hit the button.

1927
01:45:24,157 --> 01:45:25,534
I'm fucking with you.

1928
01:45:29,997 --> 01:45:31,748
[laughs]

1929
01:45:31,832 --> 01:45:34,668
Oh, my God, you guys thought
you were gonna see 3-D.

1930
01:45:37,629 --> 01:45:40,716
I'm sorry, I did that for me.

1931
01:45:40,799 --> 01:45:41,758
Oh, my God.

1932
01:45:41,842 --> 01:45:43,260
You were getting stressed, like,

1933
01:45:43,385 --> 01:45:46,430
[in Spanish] "You asshole!
There are kids here!"

1934
01:45:49,016 --> 01:45:50,267
Oh, my God.

1935
01:45:52,603 --> 01:45:55,189
The number-one question I've gotten
when it comes to my shows is,

1936
01:45:55,272 --> 01:45:56,982
"What is your writing process?"

1937
01:45:57,065 --> 01:45:59,109
My writing process is simple.

1938
01:45:59,193 --> 01:46:02,738
I do not sit and write out jokes.

1939
01:46:02,821 --> 01:46:04,364
I am really bad at that.

1940
01:46:04,448 --> 01:46:06,116
Ask the Oscars.

1941
01:46:09,203 --> 01:46:12,873
I experience things, and then
I come out onstage and I share them,

1942
01:46:12,956 --> 01:46:16,293
and sometimes people laugh,
and if they laugh, I keep that,

1943
01:46:16,376 --> 01:46:19,713
and whatever doesn't get a laugh,
I work on until it gets a ha-ha.

1944
01:46:21,215 --> 01:46:25,761
Fifteen-plus years ago,
my friend Ivan, who is one of my--

1945
01:46:25,844 --> 01:46:30,140
he is my number-one longest,
oldest employee.

1946
01:46:30,224 --> 01:46:33,852
Not old like, "Hello, how are you?"
He's been around a long time.

1947
01:46:35,103 --> 01:46:36,396
He's been there from day one.

1948
01:46:36,480 --> 01:46:40,734
Ivan's original job was
to record my shows using a camcorder.

1949
01:46:40,817 --> 01:46:43,362
Now, the fact that I'm saying "camcorder"
should be an indication

1950
01:46:43,445 --> 01:46:44,571
of the timeline.

1951
01:46:45,239 --> 01:46:47,866
'Cause some of you right now
are like, "What's a camcorder?"

1952
01:46:49,117 --> 01:46:50,911
It was the Snapchat of our day.

1953
01:46:52,788 --> 01:46:55,499
So Ivan would record the shows

1954
01:46:55,582 --> 01:46:58,585
and then put away the camcorder
and the tripod

1955
01:46:58,669 --> 01:47:00,128
and a bunch of tapes into a bag.

1956
01:47:00,212 --> 01:47:02,422
It was very bulky,
it wasn't a phone, it was bulky.

1957
01:47:02,506 --> 01:47:03,841
And then we'd go back to the hotel

1958
01:47:03,924 --> 01:47:06,218
and he'd break the little guard
off the back of the TV

1959
01:47:06,301 --> 01:47:08,720
and then he'd hook it up
and we'd watch the thing,

1960
01:47:08,804 --> 01:47:11,640
and that's how I would review
my material.

1961
01:47:12,432 --> 01:47:14,518
One night, we go to dinner.

1962
01:47:14,601 --> 01:47:16,103
Ivan packed up the bag.

1963
01:47:16,186 --> 01:47:18,856
And we met in the hotel lobby.

1964
01:47:19,648 --> 01:47:24,611
And Ivan forgot the camera bag
in the hotel lobby.

1965
01:47:24,695 --> 01:47:27,698
And we went to dinner,
and when we came back,

1966
01:47:27,781 --> 01:47:28,866
it was gone.

1967
01:47:29,950 --> 01:47:34,496
And we never recovered the tape.

1968
01:47:36,456 --> 01:47:39,126
And I know some of you are like,
"How convenient."

1969
01:47:39,209 --> 01:47:42,045
"The tape of him getting naked is gone."

1970
01:47:43,672 --> 01:47:46,633
And to you I say,
"Why would I even make up such a story

1971
01:47:46,717 --> 01:47:50,554
that could potentially hurt
my credibility or my image?"

1972
01:47:50,637 --> 01:47:53,682
I don't need five minutes of ha-ha.

1973
01:47:53,765 --> 01:47:55,934
What I need is there to not be a tape.

1974
01:47:58,562 --> 01:48:02,566
I know that there's footage out there
of me doing something really embarrassing

1975
01:48:02,649 --> 01:48:04,693
and something I wish I could take back,

1976
01:48:04,776 --> 01:48:07,905
and I know that,
when this Netflix special airs,

1977
01:48:07,988 --> 01:48:09,823
a lot of people are gonna see it,

1978
01:48:09,907 --> 01:48:13,702
and hopefully the person
who has the footage is watching.

1979
01:48:15,913 --> 01:48:18,832
And I would like to tell
that person right now,

1980
01:48:19,833 --> 01:48:21,251
in your living room,

1981
01:48:22,628 --> 01:48:24,338
I know you have the tape.

1982
01:48:26,423 --> 01:48:29,426
I have $50,000

1983
01:48:30,344 --> 01:48:31,720
with your name on it.

1984
01:48:37,601 --> 01:48:38,852
Come get paid.

1985
01:48:42,314 --> 01:48:45,776
[fans chanting "Fluffy!"]

1986
01:48:45,859 --> 01:48:51,323
For the last 25 years,
every year I get the same question.

1987
01:48:51,406 --> 01:48:56,036
People ask me, "Gabriel,
in all your years of doing comedy,

1988
01:48:56,787 --> 01:49:00,249
what has been the greatest
moment of your career?"

1989
01:49:01,041 --> 01:49:03,919
And it's always been one of those things
where I never try to put

1990
01:49:04,002 --> 01:49:06,004
a highlight to one specific thing,

1991
01:49:06,088 --> 01:49:08,715
because there have been
so many incredible moments

1992
01:49:08,799 --> 01:49:10,425
over the last 25 years.

1993
01:49:10,551 --> 01:49:11,593
You know?

1994
01:49:11,677 --> 01:49:14,471
I love the fact that my mom
saw so much of it

1995
01:49:14,596 --> 01:49:16,974
and she saw her son become successful

1996
01:49:17,057 --> 01:49:20,018
and that she raised someone
that was respectful of people

1997
01:49:20,102 --> 01:49:24,314
and that, you know, chased his dream.

1998
01:49:25,941 --> 01:49:27,860
And I've always been very, like,

1999
01:49:27,943 --> 01:49:33,949
I never wanted to put a specific
date or time or event on one thing,

2000
01:49:34,032 --> 01:49:35,284
whenever people would ask,

2001
01:49:35,367 --> 01:49:38,453
"What has been
the greatest moment of your career?"

2002
01:49:39,997 --> 01:49:41,665
The problem is, I think that,

2003
01:49:41,748 --> 01:49:45,919
if someone were to ask me
the question on Monday…

2004
01:49:48,589 --> 01:49:52,176
"Gabriel, what has been the greatest
moment of your career?"

2005
01:49:53,468 --> 01:49:55,053
I think I have an answer.

2006
01:49:56,930 --> 01:49:59,099
[cheering]

2007
01:50:03,937 --> 01:50:06,064
I'm sorry, I'm not trying
to mislead you guys.

2008
01:50:06,982 --> 01:50:11,945
This is not the greatest moment
of my career.

2009
01:50:14,239 --> 01:50:18,243
This is the greatest moment of my life.

2010
01:50:18,327 --> 01:50:21,914
[cheering and applause]

2011
01:50:22,623 --> 01:50:27,961
And if I die tomorrow,
I did everything I've ever wanted to do

2012
01:50:28,045 --> 01:50:29,504
and then some.

2013
01:50:37,471 --> 01:50:40,140
I think at this point,
there's only one thing left to say.

2014
01:50:43,852 --> 01:50:45,395
I get pulled over one night

2015
01:50:45,479 --> 01:50:48,607
two minutes after coming out
of a Krispy Kreme drive-thru.

2016
01:50:51,193 --> 01:50:53,237
I made a left turn
instead of making a right turn,

2017
01:50:53,320 --> 01:50:55,781
but I wasn't paying attention
because I had a box, right?

2018
01:50:55,864 --> 01:50:57,950
I was like, "You're going to get it
when you get home!"

2019
01:50:58,033 --> 01:51:00,327
"You've been so bad, so bad!"

2020
01:51:00,410 --> 01:51:02,704
"Aaah! You've been so bad."

2021
01:51:04,206 --> 01:51:06,917
I'm not paying attention,
I go the wrong way.

2022
01:51:07,000 --> 01:51:08,961
[imitates car passing]

2023
01:51:09,044 --> 01:51:10,045
[siren wailing]

2024
01:51:10,128 --> 01:51:11,213
Awwww!

2025
01:51:11,296 --> 01:51:13,298
-[engine revs, tires squeal]
-Hmm!

2026
01:51:13,382 --> 01:51:14,716
[in falsetto] Later.

2027
01:51:15,551 --> 01:51:16,802
[speaking gibberish]

2028
01:51:17,386 --> 01:51:18,762
The officer's taking forever.

2029
01:51:18,846 --> 01:51:20,681
I said, "Forget this,
he's taking too long."

2030
01:51:20,764 --> 01:51:23,183
I grab my box, I put it on my lap,
I flipped it open.

2031
01:51:23,267 --> 01:51:24,476
"Ahh! Mmmmm!"

2032
01:51:24,560 --> 01:51:25,769
"Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

2033
01:51:25,853 --> 01:51:28,397
"Mm-waah! Waaaah!"

2034
01:51:28,480 --> 01:51:32,234
And just as I'm about to tear it up,
the officer gets to the window.

2035
01:51:32,317 --> 01:51:33,902
"You know why I stopped you?"

2036
01:51:33,986 --> 01:51:38,740
It was too easy, I said,
"'Cause you can smell it!"

2037
01:51:38,824 --> 01:51:41,159
[cheering and applause]

2038
01:51:46,081 --> 01:51:47,583
Los Angeles.

2039
01:51:47,708 --> 01:51:49,042
I love you.

2040
01:51:49,126 --> 01:51:50,544
You are my home.

2041
01:51:51,795 --> 01:51:54,423
Thank you for 25 years.

2042
01:51:54,506 --> 01:51:57,926
Thank you
for the greatest night of my life.

2043
01:51:58,010 --> 01:51:59,761
I will never forget you.

2044
01:52:01,305 --> 01:52:02,973
Thank you.

2045
01:52:03,056 --> 01:52:04,391
Thank you.

2046
01:52:04,474 --> 01:52:08,145
This show is dedicated to the memory
of Vincente Fernandez!

2047
01:52:08,228 --> 01:52:09,813
Muchísimas gracias!

2048
01:52:09,897 --> 01:52:14,526
Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Martin!

2049
01:52:17,237 --> 01:52:20,282
[Vincente Fernandez singing "El Rey"]

2050
01:52:29,249 --> 01:52:32,878
Give it up for the man
that made history tonight.

2051
01:52:33,545 --> 01:52:38,258
You guys and Gabriel Iglesias!

2052
01:52:43,388 --> 01:52:47,392
All I can tell you right now,
this cabrón right here,

2053
01:52:47,476 --> 01:52:51,647
Gabriel Iglesias,
pulled all you guys together

2054
01:52:51,772 --> 01:52:52,940
to unite Los Angeles.

2055
01:52:53,023 --> 01:52:55,692
Every color, every single race,

2056
01:52:55,817 --> 01:52:58,529
every single belief, every single faith,

2057
01:52:58,612 --> 01:53:02,032
every background, every neighborhood,

2058
01:53:02,115 --> 01:53:05,369
everybody's here united in laughter

2059
01:53:05,452 --> 01:53:08,872
because of Mr. Gabriel Iglesias,

2060
01:53:08,956 --> 01:53:10,541
ladies and gentlemen.

2061
01:53:11,792 --> 01:53:14,294
[crowd chanting "Fluffy!"]

2062
01:53:28,433 --> 01:53:32,271
Listen to me,
everybody out there with a dream,

2063
01:53:32,354 --> 01:53:35,274
these are three Mexican kids

2064
01:53:35,357 --> 01:53:38,026
from the freaking 'hood,
cabrones, all right?

2065
01:53:38,110 --> 01:53:39,319
East Los Angeles!

2066
01:53:39,403 --> 01:53:40,279
East Los.

2067
01:53:41,113 --> 01:53:42,197
Long Beach!

2068
01:53:43,031 --> 01:53:44,324
Wilmington!

2069
01:53:45,200 --> 01:53:46,285
That's right.

2070
01:53:46,952 --> 01:53:48,245
And I tell you,

2071
01:53:49,162 --> 01:53:52,708
if we can follow our dreams,
you follow your dreams, cabrones.

2072
01:53:52,833 --> 01:53:54,751
-Please.
-I don't care what it is!

2073
01:53:54,877 --> 01:53:57,421
-[Gabriel] Don't make excuses.
-Don't let nobody tell you no!

2074
01:53:58,088 --> 01:53:59,631
[Gabriel]
Don't make any excuses, you guys.

2075
01:53:59,715 --> 01:54:01,675
If we can do it, por favor.

2076
01:54:01,758 --> 01:54:05,179
I know that somewhere tonight,
someone's watching this special,

2077
01:54:05,262 --> 01:54:08,098
they're going to be inspired
to do something great.

2078
01:54:08,182 --> 01:54:10,434
I know that a few years ago,

2079
01:54:10,517 --> 01:54:13,353
I was in Philadelphia and I saw Kevin Hart

2080
01:54:13,437 --> 01:54:16,815
in front of a football stadium
perform a show like this,

2081
01:54:16,899 --> 01:54:21,403
and I said, "You know what,
Kevin Hart can do it, I can do it."

2082
01:54:25,240 --> 01:54:27,659
So I hope somewhere tonight,
someone is watching this,

2083
01:54:27,743 --> 01:54:31,288
says, "You know what, I can do it too."

2084
01:54:32,122 --> 01:54:35,000
Whatever your dream is, please go for it.
Please chase it.

2085
01:54:35,083 --> 01:54:38,420
Work hard for it, sacrifice.
[in Spanish] Just do it.

2086
01:54:38,503 --> 01:54:40,464
[crowd chanting "Fluffy!"]

2087
01:55:25,634 --> 01:55:27,845
So, Martin, did he really get naked?

2088
01:55:27,970 --> 01:55:29,096
Did he get naked?

2089
01:55:29,179 --> 01:55:31,932
His balls were everywhere!