1 00:00:43,128 --> 00:00:44,296 {\an8}- Heaven's prison. - Come see them. 2 00:00:44,505 --> 00:00:46,006 {\an8}- Grape taste. 3 00:00:46,006 --> 00:00:47,341 I've never seen something like this. 4 00:00:47,341 --> 00:00:48,675 {\an8}Get it. 5 00:00:48,967 --> 00:00:49,885 {\an8}- A noticeable difference 6 00:00:50,093 --> 00:00:51,512 {\an8}from the cyber war, Lois, 7 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:53,806 {\an8}is the number of extremists dressed as clowns. 8 00:00:54,014 --> 00:00:55,766 Is your sad wife making it difficult 9 00:00:55,974 --> 00:00:57,559 {\an8}for you to enjoy golf? 10 00:00:57,768 --> 00:00:59,394 {\an8}Once daily Smylex can help. 11 00:00:59,603 --> 00:01:00,854 {\an8}Do you know what this movement 12 00:01:01,063 --> 00:01:02,147 {\an8}is really about? 13 00:01:02,356 --> 00:01:03,732 {\an8}The transsexual reptilian agenda. 14 00:01:03,941 --> 00:01:05,108 - I always told her 15 00:01:05,442 --> 00:01:07,528 to smile more, now she's smiling more. 16 00:01:07,528 --> 00:01:09,279 Smylex can cause loss of blood from the eyes. 17 00:01:12,366 --> 00:01:13,742 {\an8}- And I'd bet dollars 18 00:01:14,034 --> 00:01:16,078 {\an8}to donuts that sick clown, Joker, the Harlequin, 19 00:01:16,286 --> 00:01:18,372 as that thing calls itself, 20 00:01:18,580 --> 00:01:20,249 is a Manchurian candidate 21 00:01:20,457 --> 00:01:21,875 activated by the globalists 22 00:01:22,084 --> 00:01:24,169 that are actually pulling the strings. 23 00:01:24,378 --> 00:01:26,421 {\an8}Folks, you know I've been critical of Bruce Wayne 24 00:01:26,630 --> 00:01:29,174 {\an8}and the homosexual leftist dystopia that he 25 00:01:29,383 --> 00:01:31,552 and that facially bifurcated bitch running mate of his 26 00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:33,345 want to reduce this country to, 27 00:01:33,554 --> 00:01:37,432 but I stand here today pleading, where on earth is Batman? 28 00:01:37,641 --> 00:01:39,643 {\an8}And when will he stop this madness? 29 00:01:55,534 --> 00:01:58,078 That laugh was a six, I need you at an 11. 30 00:01:58,287 --> 00:01:59,788 Goddammit. 31 00:01:59,997 --> 00:02:01,331 I need everybody at home 32 00:02:01,540 --> 00:02:03,333 to think you are laughing so hard 33 00:02:03,333 --> 00:02:04,960 you are pissing in your pants, - Cue the opening titles. 34 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,670 - you little piss freaks. - We go live in 35 00:02:06,879 --> 00:02:08,755 10. - Live from Downtown Gotham, 36 00:02:08,964 --> 00:02:11,300 it's "UCB Live!" 37 00:02:22,185 --> 00:02:23,478 As far back as I can remember, 38 00:02:25,898 --> 00:02:27,399 I always wanted to be a Joker. 39 00:02:36,241 --> 00:02:38,619 In the days before the American Dream sputtered 40 00:02:38,827 --> 00:02:41,204 its last breath, the most a kid could hope for 41 00:02:41,413 --> 00:02:43,957 in the Midwest was a two parent household and basic cable. 42 00:02:44,166 --> 00:02:45,375 Technically, I had both. 43 00:02:45,375 --> 00:02:47,252 Don't sit so close to the TV, you'll go blind. 44 00:02:47,252 --> 00:02:49,713 At least I had cable 45 00:02:49,922 --> 00:02:51,715 'cause honey you should be smiling more. 46 00:02:51,924 --> 00:02:55,469 - Live from Downtown Gotham, 47 00:02:55,677 --> 00:02:56,887 it's "UCB Live" 48 00:02:58,513 --> 00:03:00,599 with TJ Stiller, 49 00:03:00,807 --> 00:03:01,975 Bil Sabatino, 50 00:03:03,268 --> 00:03:04,811 Senator Al Franken, 51 00:03:06,021 --> 00:03:07,022 Ra's al Ghul, 52 00:03:08,732 --> 00:03:11,109 {\an8}and The Harlequins, 53 00:03:11,318 --> 00:03:14,905 {\an8}with musical guest, Sinead O'Connor. 54 00:03:15,113 --> 00:03:16,782 {\an8}Please welcome tonight's host, - I can't believe 55 00:03:16,990 --> 00:03:19,576 this show is still on. - President Lex Luther. 56 00:03:19,785 --> 00:03:21,453 - Live from 57 00:03:21,662 --> 00:03:24,373 the United Clown Bureau in downtown Gotham City, 58 00:03:24,581 --> 00:03:28,085 it's "UCB!" 59 00:03:28,418 --> 00:03:30,253 , what in God's name are you doing? 60 00:03:30,462 --> 00:03:32,381 What have I told you about jumping on the bed? 61 00:03:32,589 --> 00:03:34,299 You could fall, break your neck, be paralyzed for life, 62 00:03:34,508 --> 00:03:35,300 is that what you want? 63 00:03:35,300 --> 00:03:36,635 No, I was just trying to- 64 00:03:36,635 --> 00:03:38,095 You were just trying to split your head open? 65 00:03:38,095 --> 00:03:39,429 No, Mama, I just wanted- 66 00:03:39,429 --> 00:03:40,973 You wanted to bleed out all over the floor 67 00:03:40,973 --> 00:03:42,265 for me to find you, is that it? 68 00:03:42,557 --> 00:03:44,393 Unbelievable. 69 00:03:44,601 --> 00:03:45,978 I'm sorry, Mama. 70 00:03:46,186 --> 00:03:48,230 Honestly, a little jumping on the bed 71 00:03:48,438 --> 00:03:51,483 should have been the least of my mother's concerns 72 00:03:51,692 --> 00:03:54,361 'cause, you know, I'm a, I'm trans, 73 00:03:56,071 --> 00:03:59,032 and she just, you know, she didn't know that at that point. 74 00:03:59,241 --> 00:04:00,701 There isn't one moment where I, 75 00:04:00,909 --> 00:04:02,285 I, like, realized I was transgender. 76 00:04:02,494 --> 00:04:04,413 I mean, do cis people have one specific moment 77 00:04:04,621 --> 00:04:05,872 where they realized they were cis? 78 00:04:05,872 --> 00:04:07,374 I mean, I don't know, maybe you do. 79 00:04:07,374 --> 00:04:08,667 I, I'm not gonna ask you 80 00:04:08,875 --> 00:04:09,835 'cause it's none of my business, 81 00:04:10,043 --> 00:04:11,211 and it's none of your business. 82 00:04:11,503 --> 00:04:12,879 Anyway, uh, when I figured out I was trans, 83 00:04:13,088 --> 00:04:15,048 but when I look back on my life, 84 00:04:15,257 --> 00:04:17,384 it's this, like, blurry cracked mosaic 85 00:04:17,592 --> 00:04:18,885 of, of, of all these tiny 86 00:04:19,094 --> 00:04:20,554 but very important gender revelations. 87 00:04:23,432 --> 00:04:25,350 But who could have predicted that the most important 88 00:04:25,559 --> 00:04:27,394 of which would happen when my mom took me 89 00:04:27,602 --> 00:04:30,355 to see a movie about everybody's favorite orphan. 90 00:04:38,447 --> 00:04:39,906 - The cyber war 91 00:04:40,115 --> 00:04:42,576 is officially over and the movies are back, baby. 92 00:04:42,784 --> 00:04:44,327 {\an8}What you're about to see is my first collab 93 00:04:44,536 --> 00:04:46,163 {\an8}with Queebso Entertainment. 94 00:04:46,371 --> 00:04:48,248 The story of a man, 95 00:04:48,457 --> 00:04:49,666 a Batman, 96 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,668 and a city infested with cyber mutants. 97 00:04:51,877 --> 00:04:52,961 Val Kilmer plays me. 98 00:05:03,972 --> 00:05:06,099 What is it about the wrong kinda man? 99 00:05:06,308 --> 00:05:09,478 Mm. 100 00:05:09,686 --> 00:05:12,272 You know how I feel about rubber nipples, Bruce. 101 00:05:12,481 --> 00:05:14,066 I imagine when most little boys 102 00:05:14,274 --> 00:05:15,776 watched the Bat-nipple love scene 103 00:05:15,984 --> 00:05:17,527 from "Legends of the Caped Crusader," 104 00:05:17,819 --> 00:05:20,697 they probably wanted to be Batman and screw Nicole Kidman, 105 00:05:20,906 --> 00:05:24,076 I'm sure this was a sexual awakening for a lot of young men. 106 00:05:24,284 --> 00:05:26,953 But I watched it and I wanted to be Nicole Kidman. 107 00:05:27,162 --> 00:05:28,455 Was this why my mom didn't usually 108 00:05:28,663 --> 00:05:30,707 let me watch PG-13 movies? 109 00:05:30,916 --> 00:05:33,502 Does every PG-13 movie make little boys 110 00:05:33,710 --> 00:05:35,087 wanna become girls someday? 111 00:05:35,295 --> 00:05:37,422 It took years of moments like this 112 00:05:37,631 --> 00:05:39,841 before the thought of transitioning even entered my head. 113 00:05:40,050 --> 00:05:41,468 But, I mean, can you blame me? 114 00:05:41,676 --> 00:05:43,970 When I was growing up, the only people I saw on TV 115 00:05:44,179 --> 00:05:48,058 that went from jokemen to harlequin, so to speak, 116 00:05:48,266 --> 00:05:50,060 were, at best, dead bodies 117 00:05:50,268 --> 00:05:52,187 or sex workers on police procedurals. 118 00:05:52,395 --> 00:05:55,023 You mean she's a he? 119 00:05:56,733 --> 00:05:58,568 - Or they were treated like 120 00:05:58,568 --> 00:06:00,278 sideshow freaks on daytime talk shows. 121 00:06:00,487 --> 00:06:01,822 - Creeper, creeper, creeper! 122 00:06:02,030 --> 00:06:03,824 Our next guest claims to be a woman 123 00:06:04,032 --> 00:06:05,659 trapped in a man's body. 124 00:06:05,867 --> 00:06:07,786 {\an8}- Oh, (beep) you! 125 00:06:07,994 --> 00:06:09,913 {\an8} you, I'm not here to entertain you. 126 00:06:10,122 --> 00:06:12,415 Okay, I'm not your (beep) clown. 127 00:06:12,624 --> 00:06:16,294 ♪ There was a time ♪ 128 00:06:16,503 --> 00:06:21,133 ♪ When I had a good life ♪ 129 00:06:21,341 --> 00:06:24,219 Mama, uh, can I ask you a question? 130 00:06:24,427 --> 00:06:25,428 Sure. 131 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:28,390 Uh, was I born in the wrong body? 132 00:06:32,060 --> 00:06:34,771 What did you just say? 133 00:06:34,980 --> 00:06:38,024 Uh, I asked, was I born in the wrong body? 134 00:06:41,069 --> 00:06:42,404 How could you just ask me that? 135 00:06:42,404 --> 00:06:43,947 Uh, I, I don't know. 136 00:06:44,156 --> 00:06:45,782 How is that supposed to make your mother feel? 137 00:06:45,991 --> 00:06:47,993 I'm really sorry. 138 00:06:48,201 --> 00:06:48,910 No, Mama, 139 00:06:49,119 --> 00:06:49,995 where are you going? 140 00:06:50,287 --> 00:06:52,455 You are very sick, (beep), 141 00:06:52,664 --> 00:06:53,874 I've been worried about you for a long time, 142 00:06:54,082 --> 00:06:55,917 we are finally gonna make you better. 143 00:07:21,818 --> 00:07:27,699 Ah, you must be , I am Dr. Crane. 144 00:07:27,908 --> 00:07:31,536 Ah, come on in, let's broaden our minds, huh? 145 00:07:31,745 --> 00:07:34,456 So why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself 146 00:07:34,664 --> 00:07:37,334 and how you've been feeling lately? 147 00:07:41,755 --> 00:07:43,340 He's delusional. 148 00:07:43,632 --> 00:07:46,218 He says things like he thinks he's inside the wrong body. 149 00:07:46,426 --> 00:07:47,302 I don't think that. 150 00:07:47,510 --> 00:07:48,637 Then why did you say it? 151 00:07:48,637 --> 00:07:49,971 Well, why would you say something 152 00:07:49,971 --> 00:07:51,765 that you don't think, (beep)? 153 00:07:51,973 --> 00:07:55,227 I don't know, I guess, 154 00:07:55,435 --> 00:07:57,437 I just sometimes don't feel like a boy. 155 00:07:57,646 --> 00:08:01,483 Oh, God, something is wrong with his brain. 156 00:08:01,691 --> 00:08:04,069 - Yeah. - I hear him crying all night. 157 00:08:04,277 --> 00:08:05,487 I don't know where he gets that from. 158 00:08:05,695 --> 00:08:06,947 Do you cry all night? 159 00:08:07,155 --> 00:08:08,823 - Not every night. - I never cry. 160 00:08:09,032 --> 00:08:10,867 His father certainly never cries, not even once, never has. 161 00:08:11,076 --> 00:08:14,120 Do you see how your crying impacts your mother? 162 00:08:14,329 --> 00:08:16,331 Tell him. 163 00:08:16,539 --> 00:08:19,334 It makes me feel like I've failed. 164 00:08:19,542 --> 00:08:20,752 It makes me feel like I'm a bad mother. 165 00:08:20,961 --> 00:08:21,795 Hmm. 166 00:08:24,172 --> 00:08:27,717 Did you know that you were hurting your mother in this way? 167 00:08:27,926 --> 00:08:29,261 - No. 168 00:08:29,552 --> 00:08:31,263 I just want my happy little boy back. 169 00:08:31,471 --> 00:08:32,973 Mama, I can try and be happy again. 170 00:08:33,181 --> 00:08:34,224 I promise to never tell you 171 00:08:34,516 --> 00:08:35,934 that I'm in the wrong body anymore. 172 00:08:36,142 --> 00:08:37,811 I promise I'll never even tell you if I'm sad. 173 00:08:38,019 --> 00:08:39,229 Please, Dr. Crane. 174 00:08:39,437 --> 00:08:40,605 - Fear not, 175 00:08:42,691 --> 00:08:45,902 for I have developed an experimental treatment 176 00:08:46,111 --> 00:08:51,950 that's designed to help sad little boys like (beep) here. 177 00:08:58,164 --> 00:08:59,666 Maybe sad is the wrong word. 178 00:08:59,958 --> 00:09:03,378 - Yeah, hush, little one. - Maybe it's something else. 179 00:09:03,586 --> 00:09:07,549 Oh, you'll be mama's happy little boy in no time. 180 00:09:20,437 --> 00:09:23,565 ♪ You don't own me ♪ - It worked like magic. 181 00:09:23,773 --> 00:09:25,942 What is this? 182 00:09:34,993 --> 00:09:38,788 It works like magic. 183 00:10:16,409 --> 00:10:18,244 How are you feeling, honey? 184 00:10:18,453 --> 00:10:19,996 Are you happy now? 185 00:10:20,205 --> 00:10:21,915 Yes, Mama, are you? 186 00:10:25,001 --> 00:10:25,835 Yes. 187 00:10:30,423 --> 00:10:32,050 I heard a lot of other 188 00:10:32,050 --> 00:10:33,218 trans chicks also describe their childhoods 189 00:10:33,426 --> 00:10:34,803 as a hazy blackout. 190 00:10:37,055 --> 00:10:38,348 It didn't help that I spent mine 191 00:10:38,556 --> 00:10:41,559 dulled by the dark purple haze of Smylex. 192 00:10:41,768 --> 00:10:43,269 But maybe it was for the best. 193 00:10:43,478 --> 00:10:44,979 And as incidents of extreme violence 194 00:10:45,188 --> 00:10:47,273 and increased reports of people with strange abilities 195 00:10:47,482 --> 00:10:48,733 pop up more. - Can you explain these 196 00:10:48,942 --> 00:10:50,485 foolish guzzling chicken hawks. 197 00:10:50,693 --> 00:10:52,278 You will not silence the silent- 198 00:10:52,487 --> 00:10:53,780 The White House has confirmed 199 00:10:53,988 --> 00:10:55,615 that President Lex Luther has passed away 200 00:10:55,824 --> 00:10:58,827 from a diarrhea-related overdose in a Russian piss bar. 201 00:10:59,035 --> 00:11:00,370 This is coming on the heels 202 00:11:00,578 --> 00:11:02,455 of signing Senator Gilda Dent's Bill 203 00:11:02,664 --> 00:11:05,208 outlawing all non-Queebso content. 204 00:11:05,417 --> 00:11:06,793 {\an8}- And you wouldn't be shocked 205 00:11:06,793 --> 00:11:08,253 to find out that I learned 206 00:11:08,253 --> 00:11:09,587 {\an8}at a young age I could use trash TV 207 00:11:09,796 --> 00:11:12,048 {\an8}to distract me. - Video girl bosses 208 00:11:12,257 --> 00:11:16,386 {\an8}compete for the chance at a reduced sentence and true love. 209 00:11:16,594 --> 00:11:18,012 And whenever I ran out 210 00:11:18,221 --> 00:11:20,348 {\an8}of shows, all I had to do was put on a happy face. 211 00:11:20,348 --> 00:11:21,850 {\an8}Smylex may also be used 212 00:11:21,850 --> 00:11:23,226 {\an8}to break up- - But thank God 213 00:11:23,435 --> 00:11:25,311 {\an8}I had Smylex to numb me through my adolescence, 214 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:26,855 because for women like me, 215 00:11:27,063 --> 00:11:29,023 first puberty can feel like being strapped 216 00:11:29,232 --> 00:11:30,525 into the passenger seat of a car 217 00:11:30,733 --> 00:11:32,485 that's barreling towards a brick wall 218 00:11:32,694 --> 00:11:33,862 faster and faster and faster. 219 00:11:37,615 --> 00:11:40,243 There was no way my meathead friends would understand. 220 00:11:40,452 --> 00:11:42,287 Look, man, are you telling me that you're a fag? 221 00:11:42,495 --> 00:11:44,205 'Cause if you're gonna tell me that you're a fag, 222 00:11:44,414 --> 00:11:45,623 I don't think I can handle it. 223 00:11:45,832 --> 00:11:49,586 No, I am not a fag, okay? 224 00:11:49,794 --> 00:11:52,088 It's so funny that you would even like joke about that 225 00:11:52,297 --> 00:11:55,133 because if I were, I mean, if I were a fag, 226 00:11:55,341 --> 00:11:58,761 I would probably be, you know, like, 227 00:11:58,970 --> 00:12:00,430 just, 228 00:12:00,638 --> 00:12:02,182 look, I'm a fag. 229 00:12:02,390 --> 00:12:06,686 Me a faggot? Get real. 230 00:12:06,895 --> 00:12:09,481 It was from that day onward 231 00:12:09,689 --> 00:12:11,483 that I learned I didn't just need Smylex 232 00:12:11,691 --> 00:12:13,651 to repress my trans femininity. 233 00:12:13,860 --> 00:12:16,571 Can you even imagine a penis near my mouth? 234 00:12:16,779 --> 00:12:18,281 I could use comedy to repress it, too. 235 00:12:18,490 --> 00:12:19,532 Put that down! 236 00:12:19,741 --> 00:12:21,242 That's not a mushroom. - Oh! 237 00:12:21,451 --> 00:12:23,536 - It's a penis. - So why not follow 238 00:12:23,745 --> 00:12:26,080 in the footsteps of the greatest comedian who ever lived? 239 00:12:26,289 --> 00:12:27,499 Ra's al Ghul. 240 00:12:27,499 --> 00:12:28,708 I wanna talk about your new movie, 241 00:12:28,708 --> 00:12:29,959 uh, it comes out next Friday. 242 00:12:29,959 --> 00:12:31,085 - I know, how original, 243 00:12:31,085 --> 00:12:32,670 I was inspired 244 00:12:32,879 --> 00:12:34,172 by the most prolific 245 00:12:34,380 --> 00:12:35,924 and successful jokeman of our modern age. 246 00:12:36,132 --> 00:12:38,843 - I love my wife. - But my appreciation 247 00:12:39,052 --> 00:12:41,638 for Ra's went beyond just the blockbuster hits. 248 00:12:41,846 --> 00:12:43,223 I loved his podcast. 249 00:12:43,431 --> 00:12:44,849 I mean, the dude recorded it from his garage. 250 00:12:45,058 --> 00:12:46,351 How cool is that? 251 00:12:46,559 --> 00:12:48,353 Have a good week, I-don't-give-a-shitters. 252 00:12:48,561 --> 00:12:50,271 - I even loved the biannual 253 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:53,274 Ra's al Ghul human papillomavirus Memorial Day telethons. 254 00:12:53,483 --> 00:12:54,943 I watched them every year, 255 00:12:55,151 --> 00:12:58,071 {\an8}but it didn't get any better than his tenure on "UCB Live." 256 00:12:58,279 --> 00:13:01,824 {\an8}Girls like to saute their boyfriend's penis 257 00:13:03,618 --> 00:13:06,079 {\an8}with oral water 258 00:13:06,287 --> 00:13:07,580 {\an8}from the tongue. 259 00:13:07,789 --> 00:13:09,457 - Ra's taught me 260 00:13:09,666 --> 00:13:12,544 that it didn't matter that I was a shitty miserable person, 261 00:13:12,752 --> 00:13:14,128 all I had to do was become a comedian 262 00:13:14,337 --> 00:13:16,548 because comedians are shitty miserable people. 263 00:13:16,756 --> 00:13:19,217 So when I finally had saved up enough money, 264 00:13:19,425 --> 00:13:21,761 I set course for Gotham City. 265 00:13:25,306 --> 00:13:27,934 All right, it's the last box, I'm gonna head out soon. 266 00:13:28,142 --> 00:13:29,727 Is dad still not home? 267 00:13:29,936 --> 00:13:34,148 Uh, um, no, uh, maybe just call him from the road. 268 00:13:36,234 --> 00:13:37,402 Are you sure you wanna do this? 269 00:13:37,694 --> 00:13:39,195 There's still time to change your mind. 270 00:13:39,487 --> 00:13:41,155 I, I know they're hiring at LexCorp Fertilizing Plant 271 00:13:41,364 --> 00:13:42,824 down the street. 272 00:13:43,116 --> 00:13:45,243 I've thought a lot about this, I'm, I'm sure, Mama. 273 00:13:45,451 --> 00:13:46,661 Oh, God, okay. 274 00:13:48,538 --> 00:13:50,248 Well, please, 275 00:13:50,456 --> 00:13:52,041 be careful. 276 00:13:52,250 --> 00:13:54,085 Gotham City is nothing but neon biker gangs, 277 00:13:54,294 --> 00:13:56,462 leather freaks, and cross-dressers. 278 00:13:56,671 --> 00:13:59,173 And you mark my words, because I will not be there 279 00:13:59,382 --> 00:14:04,846 when, (stammers) if you fall. 280 00:14:10,226 --> 00:14:12,687 I love you, too. 281 00:14:16,232 --> 00:14:17,609 ♪ Before I think I need to go ♪ 282 00:14:17,817 --> 00:14:19,527 ♪ I'm so close to giving up ♪ 283 00:14:19,736 --> 00:14:21,446 ♪ And I do not give a fuck ♪ 284 00:14:21,654 --> 00:14:23,364 ♪ I have these moments in my head ♪ 285 00:14:23,573 --> 00:14:25,241 ♪ From the howling of the dead ♪ 286 00:14:25,450 --> 00:14:27,285 ♪ Only calling my BA ♪ 287 00:14:27,493 --> 00:14:29,537 ♪ What the fuck did I say ♪ 288 00:14:29,746 --> 00:14:30,997 ♪ I don't wanna go ♪ 289 00:14:31,205 --> 00:14:32,957 ♪ Before I think I need to go ♪ 290 00:14:33,166 --> 00:14:34,834 ♪ I'm so close to giving up ♪ 291 00:14:35,043 --> 00:14:36,711 I got myself a shitty apartment. 292 00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:38,713 It was shitty but it was mine, 293 00:14:38,921 --> 00:14:40,131 not that anything really belonged 294 00:14:40,340 --> 00:14:42,050 to the people of Gotham that summer. 295 00:14:42,258 --> 00:14:44,052 Today marks the one-year anniversary 296 00:14:44,260 --> 00:14:46,554 of Bruce Wayne retiring the Cape and Cowl. 297 00:14:46,763 --> 00:14:50,516 Aw, I'm still heartbroken, Clark, I miss Batman. 298 00:14:50,725 --> 00:14:51,809 - But criminals beware, 299 00:14:52,018 --> 00:14:53,353 the Cape Crusader has partnered 300 00:14:53,645 --> 00:14:56,564 with Wayne Enterprises on an all-new Batdrone. 301 00:14:56,773 --> 00:14:59,651 {\an8}Not only does it broadcast quality Queebso content 302 00:14:59,859 --> 00:15:01,402 {\an8}and facially identify anyone breaking the law 303 00:15:01,611 --> 00:15:02,820 and shoot them on site, 304 00:15:03,029 --> 00:15:05,239 they also come in rainbow for Pride. 305 00:15:05,448 --> 00:15:06,699 - But I didn't care, 306 00:15:06,908 --> 00:15:08,284 I moved to Gotham City for one thing. 307 00:15:08,493 --> 00:15:09,619 Hello, I'm here to audition 308 00:15:09,911 --> 00:15:11,037 for "UCB." - The door down the hall. 309 00:15:11,245 --> 00:15:14,374 Oh, all right. 310 00:15:20,755 --> 00:15:21,798 Please state your name. 311 00:15:23,591 --> 00:15:25,885 {\an8}Welcome (beep) to the "UCB" audition system. 312 00:15:27,595 --> 00:15:28,763 {\an8}I'll need to collect your biometric data 313 00:15:28,971 --> 00:15:30,848 {\an8}to make sure you meet our system requirements. 314 00:15:31,057 --> 00:15:32,392 {\an8}Okay. 315 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:34,227 {\an8}- Brain scanned: Malleable. 316 00:15:34,435 --> 00:15:35,978 {\an8}Suitable for comedy reeducation. 317 00:15:37,605 --> 00:15:39,273 {\an8}Liver scanned: Damaged. 318 00:15:39,482 --> 00:15:41,317 {\an8}Substance abuse approved and encouraged. 319 00:15:41,526 --> 00:15:42,860 {\an8} 320 00:15:43,069 --> 00:15:44,654 {\an8}Penis scanned. - Whoa, what does "UCB" need 321 00:15:44,862 --> 00:15:47,281 {\an8}to know my penis size for? - Five inches. 322 00:15:47,490 --> 00:15:50,076 {\an8}Just small enough to be desperate for external approval. 323 00:15:50,284 --> 00:15:51,577 {\an8}That's a fair point, I can see why 324 00:15:51,577 --> 00:15:52,829 {\an8}you need to know that. - Sex determined, 325 00:15:52,829 --> 00:15:54,080 {\an8}subject male. 326 00:15:54,288 --> 00:15:55,039 {\an8}Potential for success 327 00:15:55,331 --> 00:15:56,082 {\an8}in mainstream comedy: 328 00:15:56,290 --> 00:15:57,458 {\an8}High. 329 00:15:57,667 --> 00:15:58,501 {\an8}Audition complete. 330 00:15:58,710 --> 00:16:00,420 {\an8}Welcome to the "UCB" cast. 331 00:16:00,628 --> 00:16:02,422 {\an8}That's it, you don't wanna see my act or anything? 332 00:16:02,630 --> 00:16:03,881 You're just gonna scan my dong 333 00:16:04,090 --> 00:16:05,466 and then move on? - Please proceed forward 334 00:16:05,675 --> 00:16:07,677 for further instructions. 335 00:16:22,108 --> 00:16:24,277 Welcome to the "United Clown Bureau." 336 00:16:24,485 --> 00:16:25,987 {\an8}It takes a little bit from every other 337 00:16:26,195 --> 00:16:28,072 {\an8}art form out there. - It's a place where you, 338 00:16:28,072 --> 00:16:29,824 {\an8}you can say you're proud of. - We have what are called 339 00:16:29,824 --> 00:16:32,034 gag sessions, where we all sit around 340 00:16:32,243 --> 00:16:33,703 and gag each other. - As one of our 341 00:16:33,911 --> 00:16:35,997 newest students, you are now part 342 00:16:36,205 --> 00:16:40,376 {\an8}of a 150-year-old esoteric tradition of sketch comedy 343 00:16:40,585 --> 00:16:41,711 {\an8}and improvisation. 344 00:16:41,919 --> 00:16:43,087 Does it smell like blood in here? 345 00:16:43,296 --> 00:16:44,380 It definitely smells like blood in here. 346 00:16:44,589 --> 00:16:46,299 {\an8}Hi, I'm Lorne Michaels. 347 00:16:46,507 --> 00:16:48,259 {\an8}In the coming months, you will complete level one 348 00:16:48,468 --> 00:16:50,261 of our simple class structure, 349 00:16:50,470 --> 00:16:52,597 or, as we like to call it, Cube. 350 00:16:52,805 --> 00:16:54,974 Cube one consists of levels one through eight. 351 00:16:55,183 --> 00:16:57,059 Then your first round of level 16. 352 00:16:57,268 --> 00:16:58,519 Cube one is fun. 353 00:16:58,811 --> 00:17:00,188 Geez, I feel like I'm joining the Illuminati 354 00:17:00,396 --> 00:17:01,397 or something. - It is a little 355 00:17:01,606 --> 00:17:02,815 pyramid schemey. - Cube two, 356 00:17:03,024 --> 00:17:04,317 Hyper Cube. 357 00:17:04,317 --> 00:17:05,693 Where you'll complete- - But it is everything 358 00:17:05,693 --> 00:17:06,861 I've ever wanted. 359 00:17:07,069 --> 00:17:08,404 - Look backwards, 360 00:17:08,696 --> 00:17:10,907 following an evaluation of your ability to be on game 361 00:17:11,115 --> 00:17:12,074 and date your teachers. 362 00:17:12,283 --> 00:17:14,076 You will then complete level 16 363 00:17:14,285 --> 00:17:16,537 {\an8}for the second time by paying your full tuition fee 364 00:17:16,746 --> 00:17:19,081 {\an8}of $15,000. - 15 grand? 365 00:17:19,290 --> 00:17:21,292 Is there, like, financial aid for this or something? 366 00:17:21,292 --> 00:17:22,543 And don't worry, girls, 367 00:17:22,543 --> 00:17:24,003 you'll play a role, too. 368 00:17:24,212 --> 00:17:26,339 As stated in "UCB" Training Center's Handbook 369 00:17:26,547 --> 00:17:27,840 of Comedy and Gender, 370 00:17:28,049 --> 00:17:29,634 females are invited to pay full tuition 371 00:17:29,842 --> 00:17:31,803 to earn the designation of Harlequin. 372 00:17:32,011 --> 00:17:33,429 Harlequins hold the estimable task 373 00:17:33,638 --> 00:17:35,765 of dancing sexy, having boobs, 374 00:17:35,973 --> 00:17:38,893 and, of course, laughing at the jokeman's jokes. 375 00:17:39,101 --> 00:17:40,186 Don't forget, 376 00:17:40,394 --> 00:17:41,646 "UCB" is the only training center 377 00:17:41,854 --> 00:17:43,898 in the country where you can get Queebso-certified 378 00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:46,234 to perform comedy legally in the United States. 379 00:17:46,442 --> 00:17:49,362 Punishable by death. - Jokemen and harlequins, 380 00:17:49,570 --> 00:17:54,116 please put your hands together for "UCB's" finest jokeman, 381 00:17:54,325 --> 00:17:57,078 Ra's al Ghul. 382 00:17:57,078 --> 00:17:58,704 I didn't know this was happening, did you know 383 00:17:58,704 --> 00:18:00,122 this was happening? - Nah, it's a bit 384 00:18:00,331 --> 00:18:01,541 of a surprise. - They should have announced 385 00:18:01,541 --> 00:18:02,583 this beforehand because people Ra's! 386 00:18:02,583 --> 00:18:03,918 can get really excited and really like- 387 00:18:03,918 --> 00:18:05,086 It's cool, but you gotta be cool. 388 00:18:05,086 --> 00:18:06,796 You're right, I'm sorry. 389 00:18:07,088 --> 00:18:08,756 Now that I'm done looking at everybody's dick measurements 390 00:18:10,508 --> 00:18:11,884 In the interest of not wasting anybody's time, 391 00:18:12,093 --> 00:18:13,928 I'm gonna tell you right now, 392 00:18:14,136 --> 00:18:16,472 I'm not gonna teach you how to be funny. 393 00:18:16,681 --> 00:18:19,892 No, I'm gonna teach you how to be honest. 394 00:18:20,101 --> 00:18:22,812 I need three volunteers to get up here on stage. 395 00:18:23,020 --> 00:18:24,438 You, you, and you. 396 00:18:25,857 --> 00:18:27,149 Yes, you right there, next to the penguin. 397 00:18:27,358 --> 00:18:29,110 - Yeah! (claps) Oh, wow. - Here at the United 398 00:18:29,318 --> 00:18:32,363 Clown Bureau, we live by the principle yes, and, 399 00:18:32,572 --> 00:18:34,574 that means whatever you're scene partner says to you, 400 00:18:34,782 --> 00:18:36,242 you must never deny it. 401 00:18:36,450 --> 00:18:39,871 Now let's practice, Jokeman, start the scene. 402 00:18:40,079 --> 00:18:42,206 Hey, uh, are you the stripper? 403 00:18:42,415 --> 00:18:43,833 Uh, no. 404 00:18:44,041 --> 00:18:47,003 Try again. Remember the yes, and principle. 405 00:18:47,211 --> 00:18:48,880 Hey, uh, are you the stripper? 406 00:18:50,631 --> 00:18:53,259 Yes, and I want to S your D. 407 00:18:53,467 --> 00:18:54,552 Whoa. 408 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:55,678 - Great work. 409 00:18:55,678 --> 00:18:56,762 You there, what are you doing? 410 00:18:56,762 --> 00:18:58,347 Support your scene partner. 411 00:18:58,556 --> 00:19:00,433 Step forward. - Hmm? 412 00:19:00,641 --> 00:19:02,351 I said step forward. 413 00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:04,020 Oh, I thought I did, um, okay. 414 00:19:04,228 --> 00:19:06,188 I'll be your scene partner, are you ready? 415 00:19:06,397 --> 00:19:09,483 - Yes. - Start the scene, Jokeman. 416 00:19:09,692 --> 00:19:13,279 Um, 417 00:19:13,487 --> 00:19:15,740 so this is a, um, well, uh, 418 00:19:15,948 --> 00:19:17,283 dinner's almost ready. 419 00:19:17,491 --> 00:19:21,537 Yes, Mama, and I only wanna make you happy. 420 00:19:21,746 --> 00:19:27,001 - Um. (exhales sharply) Uh. 421 00:19:27,209 --> 00:19:27,752 Yeah, uh. 422 00:19:29,045 --> 00:19:30,379 What do I say? 423 00:19:30,588 --> 00:19:32,131 Come on, student, it's your turn. 424 00:19:32,340 --> 00:19:35,259 Yeah, uh, yes, and, yes, and, Mama, 425 00:19:36,427 --> 00:19:37,887 no, I'm mama, 426 00:19:38,095 --> 00:19:41,390 your (beep) or your, uh. 427 00:19:42,433 --> 00:19:43,935 Yes, and, yes, and. 428 00:19:45,603 --> 00:19:46,562 Yes, and. - Jokeman, we got another 429 00:19:46,771 --> 00:19:47,897 seven hours. - Yes, and. 430 00:19:48,105 --> 00:19:50,399 Yes, and. Yes, and. 431 00:19:50,608 --> 00:19:52,485 Yes, and. Whoa! 432 00:19:52,693 --> 00:19:56,322 Wait up! 433 00:19:56,530 --> 00:19:59,116 Yeah. - You all right there? 434 00:19:59,325 --> 00:20:01,911 It's like freaking weed dispensary in there, huh? 435 00:20:02,119 --> 00:20:03,454 I feel like I swallowed a fishbone. 436 00:20:03,663 --> 00:20:05,081 Yeah, it's really smoky. 437 00:20:05,289 --> 00:20:08,167 - Anyway, you dropped this. - Thanks. 438 00:20:09,919 --> 00:20:11,295 We should probably get back in there, 439 00:20:11,504 --> 00:20:12,797 you know, you don't wanna miss Hyper Cube Three. 440 00:20:13,005 --> 00:20:15,299 Well, as much as being a jokeman 441 00:20:15,508 --> 00:20:18,636 is a life's dream of mine, my parents cut me off last year 442 00:20:18,844 --> 00:20:24,850 after I changed my major to think pieces. 443 00:20:25,059 --> 00:20:27,228 Well, I'll see you later. 444 00:20:27,436 --> 00:20:28,396 You wanna get a drink? 445 00:20:28,604 --> 00:20:30,773 Um, I don't really drink 446 00:20:30,982 --> 00:20:32,650 because of the medication I'm on, so. 447 00:20:32,858 --> 00:20:33,818 Fish? 448 00:20:35,111 --> 00:20:35,820 Yes, and. 449 00:20:40,992 --> 00:20:44,620 - So, yeah, anyway, 450 00:20:44,829 --> 00:20:46,372 mainstream comedy's dead. 451 00:20:46,580 --> 00:20:48,708 It's a bunch of doofy chuds pretending their parents 452 00:20:48,916 --> 00:20:52,336 aren't rich, telling the same Tinder jokes over and over 453 00:20:52,545 --> 00:20:55,297 until the "UCB" lets them soft pedal propaganda. 454 00:20:55,506 --> 00:20:56,882 True that. How about you? 455 00:20:57,091 --> 00:20:59,677 Do you have a, an act or material yet? 456 00:20:59,885 --> 00:21:02,096 Oh, yeah, it's mostly fish-based, 457 00:21:02,304 --> 00:21:05,433 but catch this, as like a metaphor for larger society, 458 00:21:05,641 --> 00:21:08,144 you know, like George Carlin, Lenny Bruce, 459 00:21:08,352 --> 00:21:10,229 even a little bit of Louis C.K., 460 00:21:10,438 --> 00:21:11,772 you know, before the unpleasantness, of course. 461 00:21:11,772 --> 00:21:13,149 Of course. 462 00:21:13,149 --> 00:21:14,358 It's kind of an aquatic taste, but, 463 00:21:14,358 --> 00:21:15,317 what's yours like? 464 00:21:15,526 --> 00:21:17,111 Oh, I mean, I have an act, 465 00:21:17,319 --> 00:21:18,571 but I've never done it out loud before, 466 00:21:18,779 --> 00:21:19,739 I'd be way too embarrassed 467 00:21:19,739 --> 00:21:20,948 to do it here. - This is 468 00:21:20,948 --> 00:21:22,658 a judgment-free zone, baby. 469 00:21:22,867 --> 00:21:25,786 Okay, uh, well, I think the joke I'm most proud of is, 470 00:21:25,995 --> 00:21:27,580 is a dating joke, but it's not a Tinder joke. 471 00:21:27,788 --> 00:21:29,331 So I, uh, - Oh, okay. 472 00:21:29,540 --> 00:21:30,833 so I get up on stage 473 00:21:31,042 --> 00:21:33,210 and, uh, I, I have a real tough time dating, 474 00:21:33,419 --> 00:21:34,503 real, real tough time dating, 475 00:21:34,712 --> 00:21:36,130 Squawking to the choir. 476 00:21:36,338 --> 00:21:38,382 uh, so tough in fact that in high school, 477 00:21:38,591 --> 00:21:42,595 my girlfriend and I had nicknames for our, uh, genitals, 478 00:21:42,803 --> 00:21:45,598 uh, and we called her vagina, 479 00:21:45,806 --> 00:21:47,725 um, I just don't wanna shout that 480 00:21:47,933 --> 00:21:49,101 so loudly in the fish restaurant, 481 00:21:49,101 --> 00:21:50,311 - Yeah. - we called her vagina 482 00:21:50,311 --> 00:21:51,812 Treblinka. 483 00:21:52,021 --> 00:21:53,606 And, uh, I thought it was just like a funny name. 484 00:21:53,814 --> 00:21:57,401 Uh, and I think it's also a Say Anything song, 485 00:21:57,610 --> 00:21:59,278 um, which is kind of problematic 486 00:21:59,487 --> 00:22:02,448 because I'm pretty sure that the lead singer got MeToo'd. 487 00:22:02,656 --> 00:22:04,825 It's like, why is everybody just a creep nowadays? 488 00:22:05,034 --> 00:22:07,870 You know, this is not part of the joke. 489 00:22:08,079 --> 00:22:10,414 Um, so we called her pussy Treblinka, 490 00:22:10,623 --> 00:22:12,208 and then we found out 491 00:22:12,416 --> 00:22:14,085 Treblinka was one of Hitler's concentration camps. 492 00:22:14,293 --> 00:22:17,546 And, um, in retrospect, that kind of matched, 493 00:22:17,755 --> 00:22:19,256 uh, her personality. 494 00:22:19,465 --> 00:22:23,511 And, uh, her Treblinka was a quarter of an inch 495 00:22:23,719 --> 00:22:25,971 away from her gas chamber. 496 00:22:28,849 --> 00:22:31,018 Oh, is that the punchline? 497 00:22:31,227 --> 00:22:33,562 Oh, I don't really do punchlines. 498 00:22:33,771 --> 00:22:36,148 I'm more of like a, like a storyteller, like Cosby, 499 00:22:36,357 --> 00:22:37,817 you know, but before all the unpleasantness, of course. 500 00:22:38,025 --> 00:22:40,444 Of course. But did that really happen to you? 501 00:22:40,653 --> 00:22:43,197 Uh, I never even had a girlfriend to be honest. 502 00:22:43,405 --> 00:22:46,033 But if it did happen to somebody 503 00:22:46,242 --> 00:22:48,327 and if it happened to me, it'd be pretty funny and absurd, 504 00:22:48,536 --> 00:22:50,287 you've gotta admit. - Here's a pro tip, 505 00:22:50,496 --> 00:22:52,039 a lotta good comedy comes from stuff 506 00:22:52,248 --> 00:22:54,291 that actually happens to you. 507 00:22:54,500 --> 00:22:56,001 It gets good laughs. Ha! 508 00:22:59,964 --> 00:23:01,590 I wish there was, like, a place we could workshop 509 00:23:01,799 --> 00:23:03,759 our material without having to kiss Lorne Michaels' ass. 510 00:23:03,968 --> 00:23:07,972 Yeah, it just sucks that "UCB" is the only game in town. 511 00:23:08,180 --> 00:23:10,099 You know, before the cyber wars, 512 00:23:10,307 --> 00:23:11,892 a comedian could do like four 513 00:23:12,101 --> 00:23:14,645 or five open mic sets every night. 514 00:23:14,854 --> 00:23:16,480 Lucky bastards, that sounds amazing. 515 00:23:16,689 --> 00:23:18,524 Yeah, incredible. 516 00:23:18,732 --> 00:23:20,151 It's just not fair. 517 00:23:20,359 --> 00:23:22,069 You shouldn't have to go through 518 00:23:22,278 --> 00:23:26,031 a whole certification process at a secret society 519 00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:27,533 just to be allowed to make people laugh, 520 00:23:27,741 --> 00:23:28,784 it should be a God-given right. 521 00:23:28,993 --> 00:23:30,995 Yeah, but who says we can't? 522 00:23:31,203 --> 00:23:32,830 - The government. - Yeah, you look like somebody 523 00:23:33,038 --> 00:23:34,456 who cares what the government says. 524 00:23:34,665 --> 00:23:37,585 What I'm saying is, what if we just, like, do it? 525 00:23:37,793 --> 00:23:39,086 We could call it anti-comedy, 526 00:23:39,295 --> 00:23:40,963 then they wouldn't be able to arrest us. 527 00:23:41,172 --> 00:23:43,924 I know you're joking, but that's actually a great idea. 528 00:23:44,133 --> 00:23:46,051 Like, what if we just rent a warehouse 529 00:23:46,260 --> 00:23:48,554 and we advertise it as anti-comedy or something? 530 00:23:48,762 --> 00:23:50,598 You know, the government can't do shit about it. 531 00:23:50,806 --> 00:23:52,975 Comedy can be anything, I mean, it could be bad on purpose. 532 00:23:53,184 --> 00:23:56,604 In my case, that would be a huge help if it could be that. 533 00:23:56,812 --> 00:23:57,938 You're not lying. 534 00:23:58,147 --> 00:23:59,481 I mean, you heard my joke 535 00:23:59,690 --> 00:24:01,483 about my non-existence girlfriend's vagina. 536 00:24:01,692 --> 00:24:02,943 It wasn't- - Right, it was 537 00:24:03,152 --> 00:24:04,570 very offensive. - Yeah. It was offensive? 538 00:24:04,778 --> 00:24:06,739 I- - Yeah. 539 00:24:06,947 --> 00:24:08,616 Towards women or towards 540 00:24:08,824 --> 00:24:10,117 - Uh, the Holocaust. - the Jews? 541 00:24:10,326 --> 00:24:11,577 Oh, okay. - Yeah, that type of stuff 542 00:24:11,785 --> 00:24:13,245 doesn't always fly. 543 00:24:13,454 --> 00:24:14,997 It would've flown maybe five years ago, 544 00:24:15,206 --> 00:24:17,374 but now antisemitism on the rise. 545 00:24:17,583 --> 00:24:21,045 ♪ I'd like to see the bad guys win sometime ♪ 546 00:24:21,253 --> 00:24:24,089 ♪ I'd like to see the bad guys win ♪ 547 00:24:24,298 --> 00:24:25,424 After an hour or so 548 00:24:25,633 --> 00:24:28,093 of pleading with Oswald Cobblepot Sr, 549 00:24:28,302 --> 00:24:30,012 Penguin finally convinced his parents 550 00:24:30,221 --> 00:24:32,431 to help us out with the down payment on a commercial space 551 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:34,934 in Gotham's amusement district. 552 00:24:36,477 --> 00:24:40,689 ♪ I'd like to see the bad guys have some fun ♪ 553 00:24:40,898 --> 00:24:42,566 {\an8}♪ They're always getting pushed around ♪ 554 00:24:42,775 --> 00:24:45,527 {\an8}Okay, first up is Miss. Pamela Isley. 555 00:24:45,736 --> 00:24:47,780 Oh, uh, just Ivy, no Miss., please. 556 00:24:47,988 --> 00:24:49,281 And they/them pronouns, 557 00:24:49,490 --> 00:24:51,116 along with plenty of sunlight and water, 558 00:24:51,325 --> 00:24:54,453 really make this wallflower blossom. 559 00:24:54,662 --> 00:24:56,538 Hey, my nom de guerre's a fat flightless bird, 560 00:24:56,747 --> 00:24:58,415 so whatever works. 561 00:24:58,624 --> 00:24:59,375 They call him Penguin. 562 00:24:59,583 --> 00:25:01,585 Uh, Selina Kyle. 563 00:25:01,794 --> 00:25:03,671 Meow. ♪ Sometime ♪ 564 00:25:03,879 --> 00:25:05,381 ♪ I'd like to see ♪ - I don't get it. 565 00:25:05,589 --> 00:25:07,091 Do you do jokes, or do you do riddles? 566 00:25:07,299 --> 00:25:08,884 Riddles mostly. 567 00:25:09,093 --> 00:25:10,970 Well, we're not trying to start a riddle theater. 568 00:25:11,178 --> 00:25:13,264 I mean, a riddle would count as anti-comedy. 569 00:25:13,472 --> 00:25:14,640 I wanna hear a riddle. 570 00:25:14,848 --> 00:25:16,058 - The sun bakes them, 571 00:25:16,267 --> 00:25:18,769 the hand breaks them, the foot treads on them, 572 00:25:18,978 --> 00:25:21,939 and the mouth tastes them, 573 00:25:22,147 --> 00:25:23,315 what are they? 574 00:25:23,524 --> 00:25:24,275 Grapes! 575 00:25:24,483 --> 00:25:25,943 My balls, of course. 576 00:25:26,151 --> 00:25:27,903 Balls are always funny. 577 00:25:28,112 --> 00:25:29,571 Balls are always funny. You're hired, Riddler. 578 00:25:29,780 --> 00:25:30,656 The Red Hood Gang 579 00:25:30,864 --> 00:25:32,324 was coming together. 580 00:25:32,533 --> 00:25:34,118 My act, on the other hand. 581 00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:38,122 Uh, I hated school as a kid, I'm sure a lot of us did. 582 00:25:38,330 --> 00:25:41,792 And, uh, my mom always used to say, "You should enjoy it, 583 00:25:42,001 --> 00:25:43,210 uh, because you're gonna have to work 584 00:25:43,419 --> 00:25:45,087 for a living one of these days." 585 00:25:45,296 --> 00:25:46,630 It's the least funny part of that movie. 586 00:25:46,839 --> 00:25:49,425 "No, I won't, Mom, I'm gonna be a comedian." 587 00:25:49,633 --> 00:25:51,969 - Boo! - Hey, screw you, Bane, 588 00:25:52,177 --> 00:25:53,304 you were up here 15 minutes ago 589 00:25:53,512 --> 00:25:55,055 just lifting weights for 20 minutes. 590 00:25:55,264 --> 00:25:56,765 Yes, yes, I was. 591 00:25:56,974 --> 00:25:58,475 Anyway, that's my time, goodnight. 592 00:26:00,769 --> 00:26:03,856 - Oh my God, oh, yeah. - You're telling me, man. 593 00:26:04,064 --> 00:26:05,107 Here, this will help. 594 00:26:05,316 --> 00:26:07,401 I can't drink, my medication. 595 00:26:07,609 --> 00:26:10,446 You're a comic, mixing prescription meds 596 00:26:10,654 --> 00:26:12,698 and alcohol is part of the job description. 597 00:26:12,906 --> 00:26:13,866 All right, one shot. 598 00:26:14,158 --> 00:26:14,950 Salute. 599 00:26:15,159 --> 00:26:16,702 ♪ I want a big party ♪ 600 00:26:16,910 --> 00:26:17,828 ♪ I don't want you ♪ 601 00:26:20,622 --> 00:26:22,624 Ugh, is that what alcohol tastes like? 602 00:26:22,833 --> 00:26:24,293 - You better believe it. - Can I get another? 603 00:26:24,501 --> 00:26:28,130 Yeah. 604 00:26:30,257 --> 00:26:31,717 Doctor] How are you settling into the city? 605 00:26:32,134 --> 00:26:35,387 I've met a ton of great people, ton of friends. 606 00:26:35,596 --> 00:26:36,847 Have you found work? 607 00:26:37,056 --> 00:26:38,766 I'm pursuing a career in standup comedy 608 00:26:38,974 --> 00:26:40,184 'cause I always thought 609 00:26:40,476 --> 00:26:43,228 my life was kind of a tragedy, and, um, 610 00:26:46,648 --> 00:26:47,232 it is. 611 00:26:49,318 --> 00:26:51,320 It is, it's a tragic life. 612 00:26:52,446 --> 00:26:53,447 That's good. 613 00:26:55,783 --> 00:26:57,451 Look, I'm the one who personally infiltrated 614 00:26:57,659 --> 00:26:59,328 {\an8}Bohemian Grove 12 years ago 615 00:26:59,536 --> 00:27:01,455 {\an8}disguised as a Greek cap massage therapist. 616 00:27:01,663 --> 00:27:04,917 {\an8}If I just zeroed in on how ugly society 617 00:27:05,125 --> 00:27:08,462 was capable of being, I could forget for one fleeting moment 618 00:27:08,670 --> 00:27:11,340 that I had no idea who the hell I was. 619 00:27:11,548 --> 00:27:13,759 I mean, forget gender, 620 00:27:13,967 --> 00:27:16,970 I, I had no identity. 621 00:27:17,179 --> 00:27:18,430 Like, 622 00:27:18,639 --> 00:27:22,976 sometimes I wasn't even sure I existed. 623 00:27:23,185 --> 00:27:27,606 And each morning, I just created myself. 624 00:27:27,815 --> 00:27:31,402 And every night, I tried to smile myself to death. 625 00:27:35,656 --> 00:27:37,074 - Remember, what's the most 626 00:27:37,282 --> 00:27:39,535 important part of policing? - Now. 627 00:27:39,535 --> 00:27:40,953 At least I have the Red Hood Gang. 628 00:27:41,161 --> 00:27:42,579 I know it's cliche, 629 00:27:42,788 --> 00:27:44,331 but, look, this is a queer coming-of-age film, 630 00:27:44,540 --> 00:27:45,791 I needed a chosen family. 631 00:27:45,999 --> 00:27:47,584 And as our illegal comedy theater 632 00:27:47,793 --> 00:27:50,629 became Gotham's coolest word of mouth hipster hotspot, 633 00:27:50,838 --> 00:27:51,797 the family was growing. 634 00:27:52,005 --> 00:27:52,881 There was Killer Croc. 635 00:27:54,633 --> 00:27:55,509 Mad Hatter. 636 00:27:55,717 --> 00:27:57,886 Most everyone is mad here. 637 00:27:58,095 --> 00:28:00,389 - Mr. Freeze. - Cool party. 638 00:28:00,597 --> 00:28:03,434 - And you had Bob the Goon. - #Goonlife, baby. 639 00:28:03,642 --> 00:28:05,227 And Timmy Two Times, 640 00:28:05,227 --> 00:28:06,895 who got that nickname 'cause he used to say shit like. 641 00:28:06,895 --> 00:28:08,939 I've gotta go do some poppers, do some poppers. 642 00:28:09,148 --> 00:28:12,192 But that was the first night I saw him. 643 00:28:12,401 --> 00:28:14,570 Now, the second amendment gets a bad rap 644 00:28:14,778 --> 00:28:16,155 from other leftists, but come on. 645 00:28:19,783 --> 00:28:22,494 I talked to him after the midnight set last night, 646 00:28:22,703 --> 00:28:25,664 that's Jason Todd, he goes by Mr. J though. 647 00:28:25,873 --> 00:28:27,708 Why should Punisher get to have all the fun? 648 00:28:29,835 --> 00:28:31,587 He's really funny. 649 00:28:31,795 --> 00:28:34,756 Do you want, I should introduce the two of you, wink wink. 650 00:28:34,965 --> 00:28:37,259 I don't know why I would require an introduction, 651 00:28:37,468 --> 00:28:38,719 or why you're wink winking. 652 00:28:38,927 --> 00:28:40,554 Because you're laughing at a joke so bad 653 00:28:40,762 --> 00:28:42,347 you wouldn't tell it. 654 00:28:42,556 --> 00:28:45,017 And you got cartoon hearts popping outta your eyeballs. 655 00:28:45,225 --> 00:28:47,519 I don't know what you're talking about. 656 00:28:47,728 --> 00:28:49,146 It's okay if you like dudes. 657 00:28:49,354 --> 00:28:51,565 I know. 658 00:28:53,692 --> 00:28:55,402 Do you think that stuff really helps you? 659 00:28:55,611 --> 00:28:57,196 It makes me look less sad. 660 00:28:57,404 --> 00:29:00,199 And when I look less sad, people ask less questions. 661 00:29:00,199 --> 00:29:01,450 You're worried about how you look 662 00:29:01,450 --> 00:29:03,035 in front of these fish sticks? 663 00:29:03,243 --> 00:29:04,912 Ah, now that's the laugh. - Point taken. 664 00:29:05,120 --> 00:29:07,539 There is literally a lady named Clayface here. 665 00:29:07,748 --> 00:29:09,750 ♪ Have a, have a good time ♪ 666 00:29:11,293 --> 00:29:13,086 - Turn it off! 667 00:29:15,547 --> 00:29:16,882 Turn off your fucking alarm! 668 00:29:20,177 --> 00:29:20,969 Ah, no. 669 00:29:23,180 --> 00:29:25,140 I am so sorry I'm late. 670 00:29:25,349 --> 00:29:27,351 I, uh, overslept 671 00:29:27,559 --> 00:29:30,771 because my phone has a new operating system 672 00:29:30,979 --> 00:29:35,234 and I don't know how to use the alarm on it. 673 00:29:35,442 --> 00:29:37,361 Well, you smell like you're still drunk. 674 00:29:37,361 --> 00:29:38,987 If I wasn't doped up on Smylex for 20 years, 675 00:29:38,987 --> 00:29:40,405 I could probably have a drink every now and then. 676 00:29:40,405 --> 00:29:41,615 What's that? You're mumbling. 677 00:29:41,823 --> 00:29:42,908 You know, I hate it when you mumble. 678 00:29:43,116 --> 00:29:44,618 Where's Dad? Is he, uh, in the bathroom? 679 00:29:44,826 --> 00:29:47,663 Um, no, he is, um, 680 00:29:47,871 --> 00:29:50,582 at a broadcasting convention in the Diamond District. 681 00:29:50,791 --> 00:29:52,459 But he wanted to be here. 682 00:29:52,668 --> 00:29:54,044 I haven't even gotten a call from him 683 00:29:54,044 --> 00:29:55,629 in a year and a half, I'm sure he was dying- 684 00:29:55,837 --> 00:29:58,590 It was your choice to move 2,000 miles away from home. 685 00:29:58,799 --> 00:30:00,050 And I can see it's not going well. 686 00:30:00,050 --> 00:30:01,510 What do you mean it's not going well? 687 00:30:01,510 --> 00:30:03,095 How do you expect them to put you on TV 688 00:30:03,095 --> 00:30:04,721 when you can't even show up sober to a brunch date 689 00:30:04,721 --> 00:30:05,764 with your mother? 690 00:30:05,764 --> 00:30:07,099 Well, Mom, for your information, 691 00:30:07,307 --> 00:30:09,059 "UCB" actually encourages substance abuse. 692 00:30:09,268 --> 00:30:10,644 But that's irrelevant 693 00:30:10,852 --> 00:30:12,980 because I started my own comedy theater. 694 00:30:13,188 --> 00:30:15,399 - What did you just say? - You heard me. 695 00:30:15,399 --> 00:30:17,317 - Are you on drugs? - Only the one you put me on. 696 00:30:17,317 --> 00:30:18,986 Comedy is illegal. 697 00:30:19,194 --> 00:30:21,321 Yeah, I know. We're gonna call it anti-comedy. 698 00:30:21,530 --> 00:30:23,323 What the hell does that mean? 699 00:30:23,532 --> 00:30:27,077 Oh, well, it's, it's like, um, it's like Andy Kaufman, 700 00:30:27,286 --> 00:30:30,539 but with, like, the meta Woody Allen thing, 701 00:30:33,041 --> 00:30:34,793 but before the daughter stooping, of course. 702 00:30:35,002 --> 00:30:36,795 Of course. Come home! 703 00:30:38,463 --> 00:30:40,090 I'm sure your dad could get you a job at the station. 704 00:30:40,299 --> 00:30:41,758 Why would I wanna work with Dad? 705 00:30:41,967 --> 00:30:43,594 I don't understand why you're doing this to me. 706 00:30:43,802 --> 00:30:44,886 You're being very selfish, 707 00:30:45,095 --> 00:30:46,388 you're being very childish. 708 00:30:46,597 --> 00:30:48,265 This whole dream of yours is very dangerous, 709 00:30:48,473 --> 00:30:49,808 and you're childish! - You're right! 710 00:30:50,017 --> 00:30:52,519 Okay, you're right, it's childish, I'm stupid. 711 00:30:52,728 --> 00:30:55,772 I'm going to fail, I am going to fail, okay? 712 00:30:55,981 --> 00:30:58,775 I will fail because I suck at comedy 713 00:30:58,984 --> 00:31:00,527 because I'm a total junkie 714 00:31:00,736 --> 00:31:01,820 and we all know whose fault that is. 715 00:31:01,820 --> 00:31:02,946 What is that supposed to mean? 716 00:31:02,946 --> 00:31:04,156 ♪ Gray skies ♪ 717 00:31:04,156 --> 00:31:05,449 ♪ Are gonna clear up ♪ - Keep your voice down! 718 00:31:05,449 --> 00:31:06,783 You are embarrassing me. 719 00:31:06,992 --> 00:31:08,035 ♪ Put on a happy face ♪ 720 00:31:08,243 --> 00:31:09,578 You were mentally ill, I got you help. 721 00:31:09,786 --> 00:31:10,787 You were mentally ill! 722 00:31:10,787 --> 00:31:12,247 I wasn't! - You were mentally ill! 723 00:31:12,247 --> 00:31:13,665 - You were mentally ill! - You were mentally ill! 724 00:31:13,665 --> 00:31:14,958 You were mentally ill! - I wasn't! 725 00:31:14,958 --> 00:31:16,418 And now (thuds hands) I'm mentally ill because of it. 726 00:31:16,418 --> 00:31:18,211 Have a great day, Mom! 727 00:31:18,420 --> 00:31:20,005 ♪ Acting like a slut ♪ 728 00:31:20,213 --> 00:31:21,632 ♪ Looking like a bitch ♪ 729 00:31:21,840 --> 00:31:23,050 ♪ Acting like a slut ♪ 730 00:31:25,302 --> 00:31:26,595 ♪ Acting like a slut ♪ 731 00:31:26,803 --> 00:31:28,221 ♪ Looking like a bitch ♪ 732 00:31:28,430 --> 00:31:29,723 ♪ Acting like a slut ♪ 733 00:31:29,931 --> 00:31:31,683 ♪ While I'm looking like a bitch ♪ 734 00:31:31,892 --> 00:31:33,143 ♪ Acting like a slut ♪ 735 00:31:33,352 --> 00:31:35,103 ♪ Looking like a bitch ♪ 736 00:31:35,312 --> 00:31:36,605 ♪ Acting like a slut ♪ 737 00:31:36,813 --> 00:31:38,231 ♪ While I'm looking like a bitch ♪ 738 00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:40,025 ♪ Acting like a slut ♪ 739 00:31:40,233 --> 00:31:41,526 ♪ Looking like a bitch ♪ 740 00:31:41,735 --> 00:31:43,028 ♪ Acting like a slut ♪ 741 00:31:43,236 --> 00:31:44,446 ♪ While I'm looking like a bitch ♪ 742 00:31:45,530 --> 00:31:46,490 ♪ Acting like a slut ♪ 743 00:31:46,698 --> 00:31:48,367 ♪ Looking like a bitch ♪ 744 00:31:48,575 --> 00:31:49,868 ♪ Acting like a slut ♪ 745 00:31:50,077 --> 00:31:51,620 ♪ While I'm looking like a bitch ♪ 746 00:31:51,828 --> 00:31:53,372 ♪ Acting like a slut ♪ 747 00:31:53,580 --> 00:31:54,998 ♪ Looking like a bitch ♪ 748 00:31:55,207 --> 00:31:56,625 ♪ I am not like other girls ♪ 749 00:31:56,958 --> 00:31:59,878 ♪ I have a dick, titties out, leather jacket ♪ 750 00:32:00,087 --> 00:32:01,672 ♪ I'm causing such a racket ♪ 751 00:32:01,880 --> 00:32:02,964 ♪ Walk like a bitch ♪ 752 00:32:03,173 --> 00:32:04,883 ♪ But I talk like a faggot ♪ 753 00:32:06,635 --> 00:32:08,512 Is there still a slot open for me tonight? 754 00:32:08,512 --> 00:32:09,846 You got it, (beep). 755 00:32:10,055 --> 00:32:11,556 Oh, and, uh, when you introduce me, 756 00:32:11,765 --> 00:32:12,808 will you call me 757 00:32:13,016 --> 00:32:14,393 Joker the Harlequin? 758 00:32:16,144 --> 00:32:17,562 Sure, you got it. 759 00:32:17,771 --> 00:32:19,815 So that's my time, uh, tonight, folks. 760 00:32:20,023 --> 00:32:23,485 Uh, but just before I go, uh, riddle me this, 761 00:32:23,694 --> 00:32:26,488 what goes zero to 60, 762 00:32:26,697 --> 00:32:30,659 gets you laid, and tells you a new riddle every day? 763 00:32:32,536 --> 00:32:33,745 You give up? 764 00:32:33,954 --> 00:32:35,372 Uh, that would be Ridlr! 765 00:32:37,374 --> 00:32:41,712 An all-new, uh, hookup/rideshare/riddle of the day app 766 00:32:43,422 --> 00:32:45,132 that I am currently developing. 767 00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:49,386 Uh, but it's Ridlr,, R-I-D-L-R, Ridlr, 768 00:32:49,594 --> 00:32:51,430 uh, it'll be available. 769 00:32:55,183 --> 00:32:57,477 Thank you, thank you, thanks so much. 770 00:32:57,686 --> 00:33:00,021 Okay, (lapping) let's give a warm round of applause 771 00:33:00,230 --> 00:33:02,441 for the Riddler, everybody. 772 00:33:02,649 --> 00:33:04,901 Okay, well this next act is a drag 773 00:33:05,110 --> 00:33:06,820 in a completely different way. 774 00:33:07,028 --> 00:33:10,782 Serving up fish. 775 00:33:10,991 --> 00:33:12,617 I hate myself. 776 00:33:12,826 --> 00:33:15,829 Okay, welcome to the stage, Joker the Harlequin. 777 00:33:16,037 --> 00:33:19,374 - All right, yeah. 778 00:33:19,583 --> 00:33:22,586 Um, hi, I'm Joker the Harlequin. 779 00:33:22,794 --> 00:33:25,505 My pronouns are Hee and Hah. - Boo! 780 00:33:26,923 --> 00:33:28,258 Um, for tonight's bit, 781 00:33:28,467 --> 00:33:30,761 I will need a volunteer from the audience. 782 00:33:32,637 --> 00:33:35,056 Yes, how about you? 783 00:33:35,265 --> 00:33:38,810 I need for you to describe the saddest moment in your life. 784 00:33:39,019 --> 00:33:41,897 Uh, sure, it requires a bit of setting up, 785 00:33:42,105 --> 00:33:44,524 but I'm a botanist, or, rather, I used to be. 786 00:33:44,733 --> 00:33:46,401 Back before the cyber war, I was working at 787 00:33:46,610 --> 00:33:49,070 Wayne Enterprises' Aboreal Preservation Project 788 00:33:49,279 --> 00:33:50,238 in South America. 789 00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:55,494 Uh- - Keep going, it's fine. 790 00:33:55,702 --> 00:33:57,162 - Uh. - When word came down 791 00:33:57,370 --> 00:33:59,498 from corporate that going forward, our project, 792 00:33:59,706 --> 00:34:01,291 my project, 793 00:34:01,500 --> 00:34:03,126 the sole focus was to find a cure 794 00:34:03,335 --> 00:34:05,420 for all the cyber mutations going on back in the states. 795 00:34:05,629 --> 00:34:07,005 I felt like my dream of helping humanity 796 00:34:07,214 --> 00:34:08,507 was finally beginning to bloom. 797 00:34:14,304 --> 00:34:15,555 Yeah, just keep going, its fine. 798 00:34:15,764 --> 00:34:17,224 But you're laughing at me. 799 00:34:17,224 --> 00:34:18,767 Just keep going, I'm gonna keep doing this, so, 800 00:34:18,767 --> 00:34:20,393 it's part of the bit, it's my, this is my bit. 801 00:34:22,354 --> 00:34:24,439 Well, as you can guess, we never found a cure. 802 00:34:31,696 --> 00:34:33,698 You were searching for a cure, never found one, 803 00:34:33,698 --> 00:34:34,866 well, what, yeah? - I was kicked off 804 00:34:34,866 --> 00:34:35,534 the project. 805 00:34:37,786 --> 00:34:39,663 In a last-ditch effort to regain my clearance, 806 00:34:39,871 --> 00:34:43,124 I thought if I could get the toxicodendron fusion just right 807 00:34:43,333 --> 00:34:44,793 then I could find a cure. - Oh my God! 808 00:34:45,001 --> 00:34:46,670 This is so goddamn funny, I'm gonna piss my ass. 809 00:34:46,878 --> 00:34:48,255 - Lacking any volunteers, 810 00:34:48,463 --> 00:34:49,422 I underwent the treatment myself. 811 00:34:51,466 --> 00:34:53,218 The results are what you, unfortunately, see here today. 812 00:34:54,886 --> 00:34:56,888 My tendons stretched into thick vines 813 00:34:57,097 --> 00:35:00,100 and sealed my skin with chlorophyll, my lips with venom. 814 00:35:02,102 --> 00:35:03,311 And do you know what Bruce Wayne was doing 815 00:35:03,520 --> 00:35:05,772 whilst my body twisted and contorted 816 00:35:05,981 --> 00:35:07,983 into the monotonous monster that stands before you? 817 00:35:08,191 --> 00:35:09,776 What? 818 00:35:09,776 --> 00:35:11,528 He was selling all of my research to the highest bidder. 819 00:35:26,209 --> 00:35:32,048 And that, my dear Joker, was the saddest day of my life. 820 00:35:34,885 --> 00:35:36,344 - Oh, thank you so much 821 00:35:36,553 --> 00:35:37,929 for that. 822 00:35:42,392 --> 00:35:44,394 That's my crab, the catch of the day. 823 00:35:50,650 --> 00:35:52,485 ♪ Back on my way home to you ♪ 824 00:35:56,406 --> 00:35:58,950 Stage fright? 825 00:35:59,159 --> 00:36:01,077 Yeah, I mean, I also just, like, come here to think 826 00:36:01,286 --> 00:36:03,371 sometimes, this is actually where I, um, 827 00:36:03,580 --> 00:36:04,956 come up with all my best ideas. 828 00:36:05,165 --> 00:36:06,458 Oh, so is this where you came up 829 00:36:06,666 --> 00:36:09,044 with the saddest story ever told bit? 830 00:36:09,252 --> 00:36:10,879 It was so great. 831 00:36:11,087 --> 00:36:12,631 - You watched my set? - Hell, yes. 832 00:36:12,839 --> 00:36:16,301 It's not every day I meet someone funnier than me. 833 00:36:16,509 --> 00:36:18,261 Well, um, I'm really glad I didn't know 834 00:36:18,470 --> 00:36:20,055 you were in the audience 835 00:36:20,263 --> 00:36:23,224 because, honestly, I would've been really nervous. 836 00:36:23,433 --> 00:36:24,392 What do you mean? 837 00:36:24,601 --> 00:36:26,019 I would've like, I don't know. 838 00:36:26,227 --> 00:36:27,520 I would've tried to impress you to be honest. 839 00:36:27,812 --> 00:36:29,606 Well, you impressed me without even trying. 840 00:36:29,814 --> 00:36:34,319 I'm just so glad there's another queer in the theater. 841 00:36:34,527 --> 00:36:36,863 Hey, what do you say, you wanna get outta the men's room? 842 00:36:37,072 --> 00:36:38,573 Literally every single time I've ever been in one. 843 00:36:40,784 --> 00:36:41,868 I like your tattoos, by the way. 844 00:36:42,077 --> 00:36:43,536 Oh, thanks. 845 00:36:43,745 --> 00:36:46,164 Did you ever meet someone who's the exact 846 00:36:46,373 --> 00:36:48,416 same kinda crazy you are? 847 00:36:48,625 --> 00:36:49,960 When we get married, 848 00:36:50,168 --> 00:36:52,879 our first dance should be "Brick" by Ben Folds. 849 00:36:54,589 --> 00:36:57,217 Oh, is it too soon to be talking about marriage? 850 00:36:57,425 --> 00:37:00,261 No, it's, I just usually wait until date number two 851 00:37:00,470 --> 00:37:02,263 before I start talking about abortion pop songs. 852 00:37:04,015 --> 00:37:05,225 ♪ We've never looked better ♪ 853 00:37:05,433 --> 00:37:06,393 Can I show you something? 854 00:37:06,601 --> 00:37:07,727 ♪ We're so good together ♪ 855 00:37:07,936 --> 00:37:09,354 Yeah. 856 00:37:11,272 --> 00:37:13,316 I can't believe you and Penguin opened a theater 857 00:37:13,525 --> 00:37:14,943 in the amusement mile 858 00:37:15,151 --> 00:37:16,778 and you haven't explored any of the rest of it. 859 00:37:16,987 --> 00:37:19,531 It's an abandoned theme park, it reminds me of Chernobyl. 860 00:37:19,739 --> 00:37:21,491 Exactly, what could be more romantic 861 00:37:21,700 --> 00:37:24,119 than radioactive Soviets? 862 00:37:24,327 --> 00:37:25,537 Okay, 863 00:37:25,745 --> 00:37:27,038 open 'em. 864 00:37:32,502 --> 00:37:33,795 What's wrong? 865 00:37:34,004 --> 00:37:35,964 Nothing. Let's go in, please. 866 00:37:48,351 --> 00:37:51,521 So, um, I don't tell this to a lotta people, 867 00:37:51,730 --> 00:37:53,231 but, um, I'm trans. 868 00:37:55,483 --> 00:37:56,526 What do y- 869 00:37:58,153 --> 00:37:59,279 Oh! 870 00:37:59,487 --> 00:38:00,280 Oh-oh, 871 00:38:00,488 --> 00:38:02,449 oh, well, I, okay. 872 00:38:02,657 --> 00:38:04,659 I mean, I just didn't know, I'm sorry. 873 00:38:04,868 --> 00:38:06,911 Well, I'm not sorry. 874 00:38:07,120 --> 00:38:08,288 It's just I didn't know, 875 00:38:08,496 --> 00:38:09,998 and you look like, um- - The real deal? 876 00:38:10,206 --> 00:38:11,207 I was not 877 00:38:11,416 --> 00:38:12,834 gonna say that. 878 00:38:12,834 --> 00:38:14,335 I mean, I was probably gonna say something worse, but. 879 00:38:14,544 --> 00:38:15,420 Yeah. 880 00:38:15,628 --> 00:38:17,297 I take it as a compliment. 881 00:38:17,505 --> 00:38:21,217 I mean, I don't like buying into some sort of transphobic, 882 00:38:21,426 --> 00:38:24,596 essentialist mindset about the two genders, 883 00:38:24,804 --> 00:38:27,474 but I'd be a clown and a liar 884 00:38:27,682 --> 00:38:30,477 if I said I didn't get pretty insecure on first dates. 885 00:38:30,685 --> 00:38:32,437 Why? You're doing great. 886 00:38:32,645 --> 00:38:36,316 I feel like sometimes other gay guys find out I'm trans 887 00:38:36,524 --> 00:38:38,026 and they see me as belonging 888 00:38:38,234 --> 00:38:40,195 to some other category than them. 889 00:38:40,403 --> 00:38:41,905 You know, like they're the gay guy 890 00:38:42,113 --> 00:38:45,200 and I am just a gay guy with an asterisk. 891 00:38:45,408 --> 00:38:46,826 That's stupid, right? 892 00:38:47,035 --> 00:38:49,204 Being obsessed with how others might label me. 893 00:38:49,412 --> 00:38:51,790 Not at all, I get exactly what you're saying 894 00:38:51,998 --> 00:38:55,293 because I love, liked you the moment I saw you. 895 00:38:55,502 --> 00:38:57,962 I liked you the moment I saw you is what I said. 896 00:38:58,171 --> 00:39:00,715 Um, what I'm saying is, it's hard for me 897 00:39:00,924 --> 00:39:04,594 to even fathom being in a tunnel of love with another boy. 898 00:39:04,803 --> 00:39:07,180 So I guess I have an asterisk too. 899 00:39:07,388 --> 00:39:09,974 Well, exploring your queerness in your act 900 00:39:10,183 --> 00:39:12,560 will probably bring some understanding, no? 901 00:39:12,769 --> 00:39:14,229 Is that what I'm doing? 902 00:39:14,437 --> 00:39:17,065 Well, I know drag was also forced back underground 903 00:39:17,273 --> 00:39:19,526 after RuPaul's Fracking Ranch exploded 904 00:39:19,734 --> 00:39:21,194 and killed 1,000 people, 905 00:39:21,402 --> 00:39:23,780 but you're definitely the funniest drag queen 906 00:39:23,988 --> 00:39:25,073 I've ever seen. 907 00:39:26,741 --> 00:39:28,701 - Drag queen? - Oh, okay. 908 00:39:28,910 --> 00:39:31,955 Not a drag queen, just queen of my heart. 909 00:39:33,665 --> 00:39:34,791 That works. 910 00:39:48,888 --> 00:39:50,890 So when did you know? - That I was trans? 911 00:39:51,099 --> 00:39:52,976 Yeah, I'm sorry. 912 00:39:53,184 --> 00:39:54,561 That's probably like the most annoying question 913 00:39:54,769 --> 00:39:55,478 I could possibly ask. 914 00:39:55,687 --> 00:39:57,021 Nah, it's fine. 915 00:39:57,230 --> 00:39:59,649 I don't remember most of my life to be honest. 916 00:39:59,858 --> 00:40:02,819 I just know I was in the bathtub one day 917 00:40:03,027 --> 00:40:06,281 and I asked myself how would I be, 918 00:40:06,489 --> 00:40:10,368 or who would I be if there were no consequences? 919 00:40:10,577 --> 00:40:15,165 Then I realized, screw the consequences, you know? 920 00:40:15,373 --> 00:40:17,625 I was willing to risk losing everything 921 00:40:17,834 --> 00:40:20,962 just to finally be myself. 922 00:40:21,171 --> 00:40:23,590 And I did lose everything. 923 00:40:23,798 --> 00:40:25,049 My family. 924 00:40:25,258 --> 00:40:26,509 It still hurts though. 925 00:40:26,718 --> 00:40:29,554 - How do you mean? - Well, obviously, 926 00:40:29,762 --> 00:40:32,307 being yourself is more important than making anybody happy, 927 00:40:32,515 --> 00:40:34,267 even if it's your family, you could rationally 928 00:40:34,475 --> 00:40:35,768 know that in your head, but- 929 00:40:35,977 --> 00:40:37,478 But it doesn't matter. 930 00:40:37,687 --> 00:40:41,441 You're right, uh, thankfully, I had an older boyfriend 931 00:40:41,649 --> 00:40:44,611 at the time to sorta cushion the abandonment. 932 00:40:44,819 --> 00:40:47,363 But, yeah, it still really hurts. 933 00:40:49,032 --> 00:40:53,286 Especially since he ended up being a total creepo dick. 934 00:40:55,997 --> 00:40:57,832 Oh, um, I've never told anybody this, 935 00:40:58,041 --> 00:41:01,586 but I used to call suicide hotlines a lot. 936 00:41:01,794 --> 00:41:04,797 I wasn't suicidal, not e-every time, 937 00:41:05,006 --> 00:41:08,218 the point is, I would call suicide hotlines, 938 00:41:08,426 --> 00:41:11,054 and my cell phone was still a Smallville area code, 939 00:41:11,262 --> 00:41:14,098 so it would always connect me to the Kansas hotline. 940 00:41:14,307 --> 00:41:16,184 But that was perfect because I'd ask the operator 941 00:41:16,392 --> 00:41:17,852 what the weather was like, 942 00:41:18,061 --> 00:41:20,438 and it, I don't know, ground me. 943 00:41:22,815 --> 00:41:27,320 I'd think back to those cool Midwestern summer nights. 944 00:41:27,528 --> 00:41:28,780 I guess it's like homesickness, 945 00:41:28,988 --> 00:41:32,158 but Smallville never felt like home. 946 00:41:32,367 --> 00:41:33,785 Basically what I'm getting at is, 947 00:41:35,995 --> 00:41:37,664 I know we said that it was too early for us 948 00:41:37,872 --> 00:41:39,707 to be talking about abortion pop songs. 949 00:41:39,916 --> 00:41:41,542 Mm-hmm? 950 00:41:41,751 --> 00:41:46,297 Is it too early for me to say that you feel like home? 951 00:41:47,382 --> 00:41:50,718 ♪ All alone ♪ 952 00:41:50,927 --> 00:41:54,555 ♪ All alone ♪ 953 00:41:54,764 --> 00:41:55,640 ♪ All alone ♪ 954 00:41:55,848 --> 00:41:57,058 Yeah, that's a good girl. 955 00:41:57,267 --> 00:41:58,351 Wait, what did you just say? 956 00:41:58,559 --> 00:42:00,395 - Oh, God. - No, no, no, it's fine. 957 00:42:00,603 --> 00:42:02,105 I am so sorry. 958 00:42:02,313 --> 00:42:04,857 No, don't be puddin'. 959 00:42:05,066 --> 00:42:07,735 I'd like to be a good girl for you. 960 00:42:11,614 --> 00:42:14,242 Were you the first one that saw me? 961 00:42:14,867 --> 00:42:16,619 The real me? 962 00:42:19,372 --> 00:42:22,250 Boy, do I hate giving you that credit. 963 00:42:22,458 --> 00:42:24,043 Personally, I don't think we need effective 964 00:42:24,252 --> 00:42:26,170 social programs in this country 965 00:42:26,379 --> 00:42:27,714 because we have Elmo's dad to teach us 966 00:42:27,922 --> 00:42:29,465 about racism on a Zoom call. 967 00:42:34,095 --> 00:42:37,849 ♪ A freeway to another life ♪ 968 00:42:38,057 --> 00:42:39,350 Oh my God, you were so funny, 969 00:42:39,559 --> 00:42:41,352 the bit about the guns, hilarious. 970 00:42:41,561 --> 00:42:43,813 I was fairly certain I was in love. 971 00:42:44,022 --> 00:42:46,774 What do you say we go home, I got some grape soda on ice, 972 00:42:46,983 --> 00:42:48,443 and a bearskin rug waiting. 973 00:42:48,651 --> 00:42:50,903 Whatever you say, Mr. J. 974 00:42:51,112 --> 00:42:51,988 Hunka-hunka. 975 00:42:52,196 --> 00:42:54,407 I felt like puking and crying 976 00:42:55,241 --> 00:42:56,868 and just kissing him forever. 977 00:42:57,076 --> 00:42:59,996 And I was so afraid of feeling that way. 978 00:43:00,204 --> 00:43:01,581 But I was even more afraid 979 00:43:01,789 --> 00:43:02,999 of the feeling going away 980 00:43:03,207 --> 00:43:05,293 because, well, when I was with him, 981 00:43:07,295 --> 00:43:10,048 I don't know, he, he, he made me feel 982 00:43:10,256 --> 00:43:11,841 the way I hoped I really was. 983 00:43:13,885 --> 00:43:16,846 People don't talk enough about how cute T4T couples are. 984 00:43:17,055 --> 00:43:18,890 It's probably because those combinations of letters 985 00:43:19,098 --> 00:43:20,099 and numbers remind people of... 986 00:43:20,308 --> 00:43:21,351 {\an8}- Rated T for T. 987 00:43:24,645 --> 00:43:26,397 Hey, uh, I was wondering 988 00:43:26,606 --> 00:43:28,316 if you could help me with something. 989 00:43:28,524 --> 00:43:31,069 I can sure as hell try. 990 00:43:31,277 --> 00:43:35,239 I, um, I wanna go, um, Joker to Harlequin. 991 00:43:35,448 --> 00:43:41,037 {\an8}- I know a place. 992 00:43:41,245 --> 00:43:42,413 {\an8}Say, wanna hear a joke? 993 00:43:42,622 --> 00:43:43,748 Why'd the gay clown 994 00:43:43,956 --> 00:43:45,208 dive into a vat 995 00:43:45,416 --> 00:43:46,834 of feminizing hormones at a chemical storage plan? 996 00:43:47,043 --> 00:43:48,378 'Cause gender health is inaccessible 997 00:43:48,586 --> 00:43:49,754 even in comic book movies. 998 00:43:49,962 --> 00:43:51,964 I'm kinda scared, Mr. J. 999 00:43:52,173 --> 00:43:54,550 Don't be, gender is a social construct. 1000 00:43:54,759 --> 00:43:56,844 It's a tool created by the ruling class 1001 00:43:57,053 --> 00:43:58,930 to keep the proletariat oppressed. 1002 00:43:59,138 --> 00:44:00,306 And by taking control- 1003 00:44:00,515 --> 00:44:01,766 When you're in love 1004 00:44:01,974 --> 00:44:03,684 even the most self-righteous pop Marxist rants 1005 00:44:03,893 --> 00:44:06,104 sound like poetry. 1006 00:44:06,312 --> 00:44:07,647 - It's now or never, babe. 1007 00:44:07,855 --> 00:44:09,357 Well, see you on the other side, pudding. 1008 00:44:18,741 --> 00:44:20,076 Freeze, Detective Bullock here, 1009 00:44:20,368 --> 00:44:22,120 we've got the Red Hood Gang. - Hold your fire. 1010 00:44:22,328 --> 00:44:23,746 - Oh my God, it's Batman. - I'll take care 1011 00:44:23,955 --> 00:44:25,623 of this my way, boys. 1012 00:44:25,832 --> 00:44:26,624 - What? 1013 00:44:26,833 --> 00:44:28,668 I thought he retired. 1014 00:44:31,254 --> 00:44:32,422 Jason! 1015 00:44:32,630 --> 00:44:34,132 Y-you. 1016 00:44:35,967 --> 00:44:38,386 Let go of me, Bruce. 1017 00:44:40,888 --> 00:44:42,723 Bruce, let me get a picture. 1018 00:44:42,932 --> 00:44:44,392 Please, fellas, celebrities are people, too. 1019 00:44:44,600 --> 00:44:46,936 Oh, just make sure to tag the campaign online. 1020 00:44:47,145 --> 00:44:48,312 #Wayneiacs. 1021 00:44:50,148 --> 00:44:51,899 Oh my God, oh my God. 1022 00:44:52,108 --> 00:44:53,818 I mean, like, this has to be a placebo effect or something, 1023 00:44:54,026 --> 00:44:57,864 like, I feel like, like me for the first time. 1024 00:44:59,699 --> 00:45:01,033 What's wrong, babe? 1025 00:45:01,242 --> 00:45:03,453 Do you remember that ex I told you about? 1026 00:45:03,661 --> 00:45:04,912 Yeah, the, the one that helped you out 1027 00:45:05,121 --> 00:45:06,497 during your transition? 1028 00:45:06,789 --> 00:45:10,376 Yeah, well, I didn't tell you the whole story. 1029 00:45:10,585 --> 00:45:14,881 Before I was Jason Todd, my name was Carrie Kelley. 1030 00:45:17,675 --> 00:45:20,887 I spent most of my life in and out of orphanages. 1031 00:45:21,095 --> 00:45:22,513 And when I was 16, 1032 00:45:28,519 --> 00:45:31,522 I didn't understand why a billionaire would want to adopt 1033 00:45:31,731 --> 00:45:34,942 a little butch shell-shocked from the cyber wars, 1034 00:45:35,151 --> 00:45:39,322 but daytime was about studying, training. 1035 00:45:39,530 --> 00:45:43,451 And the night, 1036 00:45:46,871 --> 00:45:48,414 the night was ours. 1037 00:45:50,917 --> 00:45:52,877 When I finally came out to Bruce as trans, 1038 00:45:53,085 --> 00:45:54,962 I was so sure he'd kick me out, 1039 00:45:55,171 --> 00:45:59,258 but he, he didn't, he, he did everything right. 1040 00:45:59,467 --> 00:46:04,764 He paid for my transition and he seemed excited. 1041 00:46:04,972 --> 00:46:09,060 I thought he was the first one who saw me, the real me. 1042 00:46:13,523 --> 00:46:17,151 The lady at Gotham Social Services called it grooming. 1043 00:46:17,360 --> 00:46:20,404 All I know is a few months into my transition, 1044 00:46:20,613 --> 00:46:22,740 Bruce made a move. 1045 00:46:22,949 --> 00:46:25,117 At the time, I thought it was exciting. 1046 00:46:25,326 --> 00:46:27,161 You know, the older guy, rich, 1047 00:46:27,370 --> 00:46:29,163 I didn't even think it was weird 1048 00:46:29,372 --> 00:46:33,543 that he was basically my dad or that he made me sign an NDA. 1049 00:46:33,751 --> 00:46:36,379 Oh, what would Gotham think if they found out 1050 00:46:36,587 --> 00:46:39,465 that Batman was dating a trans man? 1051 00:46:39,674 --> 00:46:44,095 Thank God I found out I wasn't the only Robin. 1052 00:46:44,303 --> 00:46:49,141 One night I caught him teaching jujitsu to this young kid, 1053 00:46:50,184 --> 00:46:51,686 he couldn't have been more than 14. 1054 00:46:51,978 --> 00:46:55,690 I, we got in a huge fight and I trashed our hide out. 1055 00:46:55,898 --> 00:46:59,110 And I said I was leaving, and he told me he'd find me, 1056 00:46:59,318 --> 00:47:01,153 so I went underground, 1057 00:47:02,572 --> 00:47:04,532 and now, 1058 00:47:04,740 --> 00:47:08,619 he found me. 1059 00:47:09,870 --> 00:47:12,290 Jason, I'm, I'm really sorry. 1060 00:47:12,498 --> 00:47:13,332 I don't, 1061 00:47:16,586 --> 00:47:19,964 I, I can, I can't imagine what you're feeling 1062 00:47:20,172 --> 00:47:22,216 right now seeing him again. 1063 00:47:22,425 --> 00:47:24,468 I don't feel anything. 1064 00:47:27,430 --> 00:47:31,309 Well, the good news is, I'm not going anywhere. 1065 00:47:33,060 --> 00:47:36,314 I'm gonna be right here by your side forever. 1066 00:47:37,773 --> 00:47:41,652 And- 1067 00:47:41,861 --> 00:47:44,322 When they show abusive relationships in movies, 1068 00:47:44,530 --> 00:47:46,949 they're always the beer-bellied wife-beater, 1069 00:47:47,158 --> 00:47:49,660 it's never a 90-pound trans dude. 1070 00:47:49,869 --> 00:47:51,579 And if it's not like that in the movies, 1071 00:47:51,787 --> 00:47:54,749 how's a girl like me supposed to know to look for the signs? 1072 00:47:54,957 --> 00:47:56,125 So, boys, ghouls, 1073 00:47:56,334 --> 00:47:58,002 and all my non-boo-nary friends, 1074 00:47:58,210 --> 00:48:02,173 here's Joker the Harlequin's patented list of warning signs 1075 00:48:02,381 --> 00:48:04,884 to look for in a potential narcissistic emotional abuser. 1076 00:48:05,092 --> 00:48:06,552 Number one, he negs you. 1077 00:48:06,761 --> 00:48:08,554 It's not every day I meet someone funnier than me. 1078 00:48:08,763 --> 00:48:10,890 {\an8}Number two, he makes it clear that his trauma 1079 00:48:11,098 --> 00:48:12,516 {\an8}is more important than yours. 1080 00:48:12,725 --> 00:48:14,143 {\an8}At least you met your dad. 1081 00:48:14,352 --> 00:48:15,978 And number three. 1082 00:48:16,187 --> 00:48:17,855 {\an8}I hear Batman's picking Dent as his running mate, 1083 00:48:18,064 --> 00:48:19,649 {\an8}and it's a good thing they're running though, 1084 00:48:19,857 --> 00:48:22,318 {\an8}since we all know women can't drive. 1085 00:48:22,526 --> 00:48:24,195 I mean, if he's a comedian, just run for the hills. 1086 00:48:24,403 --> 00:48:25,613 Guilty till proven innocent. 1087 00:48:25,821 --> 00:48:28,324 Don't date comedians, please, ever. 1088 00:48:30,660 --> 00:48:33,287 Vice Presidential candidate Gilda Dent was injured 1089 00:48:33,496 --> 00:48:35,414 in an acid attack that authorities are linking 1090 00:48:35,623 --> 00:48:37,541 to the online act of- - Let's be real, 1091 00:48:37,750 --> 00:48:39,293 I could Mxyzptlk myself back in time 1092 00:48:39,502 --> 00:48:41,462 to give young Joker that advice, 1093 00:48:41,671 --> 00:48:43,339 but she'd be too busy riding the high 1094 00:48:43,547 --> 00:48:46,342 of her hormonal Jokerification to ever listen. 1095 00:48:46,550 --> 00:48:48,511 On the bright side, this election could bring us 1096 00:48:48,719 --> 00:48:51,263 the first psychologically-damaged Vice President. 1097 00:48:51,472 --> 00:48:53,140 Shatter that glass ceiling, queen. 1098 00:48:53,349 --> 00:48:55,434 With estrogen finally coursing through my veins 1099 00:48:55,643 --> 00:48:57,269 or wherever estrogen goes, 1100 00:48:57,478 --> 00:48:59,939 I finally had the confidence to play with my wardrobe a bit. 1101 00:49:00,147 --> 00:49:01,482 Sure, people stared sometimes, 1102 00:49:01,691 --> 00:49:03,150 but if I wore my clown makeup. 1103 00:49:03,359 --> 00:49:04,485 Clowns are so funny. 1104 00:49:04,694 --> 00:49:05,861 Meanwhile... 1105 00:49:05,861 --> 00:49:07,029 And then I landed on the ground 1106 00:49:07,238 --> 00:49:08,447 and there were cats nibbling my face, 1107 00:49:10,032 --> 00:49:11,409 and they were nibbling my fingers, 1108 00:49:11,617 --> 00:49:12,868 they were nibbling my toes, 1109 00:49:14,245 --> 00:49:15,371 and that's how I became Catwoman. 1110 00:49:20,084 --> 00:49:22,628 It's the 47th season premiere of "Serve the Date." 1111 00:49:22,837 --> 00:49:24,630 - All right, ladies, 1112 00:49:24,839 --> 00:49:27,133 the eligible billionaire bachelor 1113 00:49:27,341 --> 00:49:28,592 who's heart you'll be - You have got 1114 00:49:28,801 --> 00:49:30,136 to be kidding me. - Hoping to steal is... 1115 00:49:30,344 --> 00:49:31,637 - What's wrong, babe? - It's been a long, 1116 00:49:31,846 --> 00:49:33,431 dark night. - Oh. 1117 00:49:33,639 --> 00:49:35,349 But my whole life has led me to this moment. 1118 00:49:35,558 --> 00:49:37,435 He's on this season of "Serve the Date." 1119 00:49:37,643 --> 00:49:38,853 I have never seen a man 1120 00:49:39,061 --> 00:49:41,147 so desperate to appear straight. 1121 00:49:41,355 --> 00:49:44,024 I mean, he's more than just a closet gay guy Joker, 1122 00:49:44,233 --> 00:49:46,277 I was 17. 1123 00:49:46,485 --> 00:49:48,112 - He's so mysterious. - I know, I, I'm sorry, 1124 00:49:48,320 --> 00:49:50,406 I, I didn't forget, I just misspoke. 1125 00:49:50,614 --> 00:49:51,824 This is Joker, leave a message. 1126 00:49:53,993 --> 00:49:54,910 - It's your mother. 1127 00:49:54,910 --> 00:49:55,995 Come on, SC, can't you go 1128 00:49:56,203 --> 00:49:57,079 five minutes - Hello? 1129 00:49:57,288 --> 00:49:57,830 without killing yourself? 1130 00:49:58,038 --> 00:49:59,081 - Nope. - Okay. 1131 00:49:59,290 --> 00:50:01,459 Well, I'm coming to Gotham. 1132 00:50:01,667 --> 00:50:03,169 - Oh, Jesus. - I, I haven't seen you 1133 00:50:03,377 --> 00:50:06,797 in months and I, I'm sorry for what happened. 1134 00:50:07,006 --> 00:50:08,591 Hi, I'm Batman, and in two days, 1135 00:50:08,799 --> 00:50:10,593 I'll be hosting "UCB Live" - What the hell is this? 1136 00:50:10,801 --> 00:50:12,386 - with musical guest- - Every channel! 1137 00:50:14,138 --> 00:50:16,724 Just call me back if you want. 1138 00:50:16,932 --> 00:50:19,560 - Did you just shoot my TV? 1139 00:50:19,769 --> 00:50:22,146 Did you just screen a phone call from your mom? 1140 00:50:22,354 --> 00:50:24,148 - Excuse me? - You just ignored 1141 00:50:24,356 --> 00:50:26,901 a phone call from the woman who brought you into this world. 1142 00:50:27,109 --> 00:50:30,029 Yeah, I haven't spoken with my mom in six months, 1143 00:50:30,237 --> 00:50:31,947 so I ignored a phone call from her. 1144 00:50:32,156 --> 00:50:33,365 - God, you are- - And you just shot 1145 00:50:33,574 --> 00:50:35,493 my goddamn TV. - You are so selfish! 1146 00:50:35,701 --> 00:50:37,411 I'd give anything to meet my real mom. 1147 00:50:37,620 --> 00:50:39,538 And all you can do is just shit all over yours. 1148 00:50:39,747 --> 00:50:40,790 What is going on with you? 1149 00:50:41,290 --> 00:50:44,668 You're acting insane. - Ah, shut up, Drew! 1150 00:50:46,170 --> 00:50:48,506 You are so emotionally abusive. 1151 00:50:48,714 --> 00:50:50,925 It's time for you to get outta my house, Jason, leave! 1152 00:50:51,133 --> 00:50:51,926 Number four, 1153 00:50:52,134 --> 00:50:53,719 they gaslight you. 1154 00:50:53,928 --> 00:50:57,389 You're selfish for complaining about your unbroken home. 1155 00:50:57,598 --> 00:50:59,016 I'm selfish for complaining 1156 00:50:59,225 --> 00:51:00,518 about my unbroken home. - You should forgive me 1157 00:51:00,726 --> 00:51:02,144 for destroying your TV. - I should forgive you 1158 00:51:02,353 --> 00:51:03,562 for destroying my TV. 1159 00:51:03,771 --> 00:51:05,439 'Cause I have PTSD. 1160 00:51:05,648 --> 00:51:09,860 - 'Cause I have PTSD. - No, I have PTSD. 1161 00:51:10,069 --> 00:51:12,530 No, I have PTSD. 1162 00:51:12,738 --> 00:51:16,408 - Now, we're gonna go to bed. - Now, we're gonna go to bed. 1163 00:51:16,617 --> 00:51:18,410 - Because you're my girl. 1164 00:51:18,619 --> 00:51:23,707 I'm your girl. 1165 00:51:29,839 --> 00:51:30,756 - This November, 1166 00:51:30,756 --> 00:51:31,882 be sure to cast your Bat vote 1167 00:51:32,091 --> 00:51:33,717 for me, Batman. - Yeah, right. 1168 00:51:33,926 --> 00:51:35,803 When are you gonna stop hiding the two-faced running mate 1169 00:51:36,011 --> 00:51:37,346 you got from the people of Gotham? 1170 00:51:37,555 --> 00:51:38,764 - Penguin. - I'm sorry, 1171 00:51:38,973 --> 00:51:40,391 this creep just ruffles my feathers. 1172 00:51:40,599 --> 00:51:41,934 Well, if this press tour has been any indication 1173 00:51:42,142 --> 00:51:44,353 of things, my relationship's not gonna survive one term 1174 00:51:44,562 --> 00:51:46,522 under a Wayne presidency. - Today's suicide count. 1175 00:51:46,730 --> 00:51:48,023 Is it true what they say about you? 1176 00:51:48,023 --> 00:51:49,525 - So what do you think? - Sorry, about what? 1177 00:51:49,525 --> 00:51:51,777 About Mr. J., I mean, he called me my old name 1178 00:51:51,986 --> 00:51:53,529 and he didn't even know me as that. 1179 00:51:53,737 --> 00:51:55,364 He said it just to hurt my feelings. 1180 00:51:55,573 --> 00:51:56,907 He messed up. - Look, you're dating 1181 00:51:57,116 --> 00:51:59,326 a 27-year-old comedian, I mean, you gotta know 1182 00:51:59,535 --> 00:52:00,744 what you're getting into. 1183 00:52:00,953 --> 00:52:03,497 What am I doing with my life? 1184 00:52:03,497 --> 00:52:04,832 What did you wanna be when you grew up? 1185 00:52:05,040 --> 00:52:06,375 It's kind of 1186 00:52:06,584 --> 00:52:09,253 embarrassing to say, but I wanted be a cop. 1187 00:52:09,461 --> 00:52:11,297 - You got the body for it. - I thought clowns 1188 00:52:11,297 --> 00:52:12,464 were supposed to be funny. 1189 00:52:12,673 --> 00:52:13,757 Why did you wanna be a cop? 1190 00:52:13,966 --> 00:52:15,593 I just, I wanted to help people, 1191 00:52:15,801 --> 00:52:18,220 not just be some fat comedian in an abandoned warehouse. 1192 00:52:18,429 --> 00:52:19,805 Comedy helps people. 1193 00:52:20,014 --> 00:52:21,932 Last night during your set, you sang "He Hit Me" 1194 00:52:22,141 --> 00:52:24,018 by The Crystals while Bob the Goon 1195 00:52:24,226 --> 00:52:25,561 threw dildos in your face. 1196 00:52:25,769 --> 00:52:27,855 Okay, how about this, smartass? 1197 00:52:28,063 --> 00:52:30,274 Some comedy helps people, some comedy exists 1198 00:52:30,482 --> 00:52:31,692 just to distract people from the fact 1199 00:52:31,901 --> 00:52:33,319 that they're gonna die alone screaming. 1200 00:52:33,527 --> 00:52:35,487 That's usually accomplished with a pie to the face 1201 00:52:35,696 --> 00:52:37,615 or a rubber penis. - Well, what about you? 1202 00:52:37,615 --> 00:52:38,782 What do you mean? 1203 00:52:38,782 --> 00:52:40,242 What did you wanna be when you grew up? 1204 00:52:40,242 --> 00:52:40,993 Oh, 1205 00:52:41,994 --> 00:52:43,037 a harlequin. 1206 00:52:43,245 --> 00:52:44,914 Well, it looks like you got it. 1207 00:52:47,416 --> 00:52:48,334 - Yeah. - It's a shame 1208 00:52:48,542 --> 00:52:50,169 you didn't stick it out in "UCB" 1209 00:52:50,377 --> 00:52:52,463 while you were still a dude, you know, become a jokeman, 1210 00:52:52,671 --> 00:52:55,883 then transition and be the first harlequin on the main cast. 1211 00:52:56,091 --> 00:52:59,595 Blow that shit up from the inside. Was that transphobic? 1212 00:52:59,803 --> 00:53:01,055 - What? - I didn't mean 1213 00:53:01,263 --> 00:53:02,598 to be transphobic. - I wasn't listening 1214 00:53:02,806 --> 00:53:04,391 'cause I think I just got an idea 1215 00:53:04,600 --> 00:53:06,143 that's gonna solve both of my problems. 1216 00:53:06,352 --> 00:53:08,020 We're hatching a plan! 1217 00:53:08,228 --> 00:53:09,271 Did we pay the Wi-Fi bill? 1218 00:53:09,480 --> 00:53:10,856 We have Wi-Fi in here? 1219 00:53:11,065 --> 00:53:12,483 You figure that out, get the gang together. 1220 00:53:12,691 --> 00:53:14,735 I'm gonna go home, finish my makeup, dry off my pits, 1221 00:53:14,944 --> 00:53:16,445 and when I get back here, 1222 00:53:16,654 --> 00:53:17,988 we're gonna hack the Batdrones and do some anti-comedy. 1223 00:53:20,032 --> 00:53:21,533 You think this collection of near homeless alcoholics 1224 00:53:21,742 --> 00:53:23,369 knows how to hack anything? 1225 00:53:23,577 --> 00:53:26,163 Our entire cast is comprised of incels and trans women, 1226 00:53:26,372 --> 00:53:27,998 at least one of them studied coding in high school. 1227 00:53:28,207 --> 00:53:29,541 Just figure it out, Penguin, Jesus. 1228 00:53:29,750 --> 00:53:31,001 Ha, that was definitely transphobic. 1229 00:53:35,422 --> 00:53:36,465 - Oh my God! 1230 00:53:36,674 --> 00:53:37,841 Can we talk? 1231 00:53:38,050 --> 00:53:39,551 No, you broke into my apartment. 1232 00:53:39,760 --> 00:53:41,804 But I, I, I came to apologize. 1233 00:53:42,012 --> 00:53:43,430 This is like the worst possible time. 1234 00:53:43,639 --> 00:53:45,724 I'm better now and I'm talking to someone. 1235 00:53:45,933 --> 00:53:48,143 I'm talking about my mother. 1236 00:53:49,353 --> 00:53:50,896 You look different. 1237 00:53:52,106 --> 00:53:53,941 Yeah, thanks, is that your apology? 1238 00:53:54,149 --> 00:53:56,652 I thought you'd be happy to see me and, 1239 00:53:56,860 --> 00:53:58,237 and hear that I'm, I'm working on myself. 1240 00:53:58,445 --> 00:54:01,573 I am thrilled, but I have to get ready for a show. 1241 00:54:01,782 --> 00:54:04,159 Oh! Then you must let me come to your show. 1242 00:54:04,368 --> 00:54:05,619 Absolutely not. 1243 00:54:05,828 --> 00:54:07,287 Why not? 1244 00:54:07,496 --> 00:54:09,665 Because I wear fishnets and I get up on stage 1245 00:54:09,873 --> 00:54:12,001 and I say gross shit, and I don't need to deal with you 1246 00:54:12,209 --> 00:54:14,211 being pissed off about that. - Look, I flew all the way 1247 00:54:14,420 --> 00:54:16,046 to Gotham to make things right. 1248 00:54:16,255 --> 00:54:19,049 Please, let me, I'm a grown woman, I can handle it. 1249 00:54:19,258 --> 00:54:20,676 Fine, then you're also gonna meet the boy 1250 00:54:20,884 --> 00:54:22,136 I'm sleeping with. 1251 00:54:22,344 --> 00:54:23,762 Oh, oh, okay. 1252 00:54:25,556 --> 00:54:26,807 Well, um, I am, um, 1253 00:54:30,185 --> 00:54:32,521 I am proud to have a gay son. 1254 00:54:35,232 --> 00:54:38,318 Thank you for sharing that with me, (beep). 1255 00:54:38,527 --> 00:54:41,488 You're welcome, thank you for receiving it so warmly. 1256 00:54:41,697 --> 00:54:43,157 Um, I also, you should know, 1257 00:54:43,365 --> 00:54:44,992 don't really go by (beep) anymore. 1258 00:54:44,992 --> 00:54:46,452 I've been having people call me Joker. 1259 00:54:46,452 --> 00:54:48,120 Ugh, so your name's not good enough for you now? 1260 00:54:48,120 --> 00:54:49,580 Just meet me at the theater. 1261 00:54:49,788 --> 00:54:51,206 Goddammit, Mom! 1262 00:54:51,415 --> 00:54:54,376 ♪ I can't wait to Serve the Date ♪ 1263 00:54:54,585 --> 00:54:55,753 How are we looking on time, guys? 1264 00:54:55,961 --> 00:54:57,921 My pits are dry. - Camera's ready. 1265 00:54:58,130 --> 00:55:00,007 How are we looking Anarky? 1266 00:55:00,007 --> 00:55:01,633 - He's so dark and mysterious. - The Riddler, Gus Gorman, 1267 00:55:01,842 --> 00:55:04,219 'cause I'm rolling, baby, and you're hacking. 1268 00:55:04,428 --> 00:55:06,055 Plus, I've always wanted to sleep with an orphan. 1269 00:55:06,263 --> 00:55:08,015 These are the "Serve the Date" ladies, 1270 00:55:08,223 --> 00:55:10,684 no completely heterosexual man could resist them, 1271 00:55:10,893 --> 00:55:12,352 especially one like me. 1272 00:55:14,021 --> 00:55:15,564 Hi, I'm comedy's Joker the Harlequin, 1273 00:55:15,773 --> 00:55:17,733 and you probably don't recognize me from anywhere, 1274 00:55:17,941 --> 00:55:19,151 but if you're anything like me, 1275 00:55:19,359 --> 00:55:21,487 you are sick of hearing from this dope. 1276 00:55:21,695 --> 00:55:23,781 I mean, we gotta watch him normalizing white-collar crime 1277 00:55:23,989 --> 00:55:26,450 with a bunch of girl bosses on an asinine reality show. 1278 00:55:26,658 --> 00:55:27,910 If only he'd make 1279 00:55:28,118 --> 00:55:29,161 a special guest appearance on "Suicide Cop" 1280 00:55:29,369 --> 00:55:30,412 one of these days and stand directly 1281 00:55:30,621 --> 00:55:32,081 behind him at, 1282 00:55:32,081 --> 00:55:33,582 you know, the precise moment that we would want that. 1283 00:55:33,582 --> 00:55:35,834 Not to mention the fact that we got his drones 1284 00:55:36,043 --> 00:55:38,378 flying around the city and up our asses and butts 1285 00:55:38,587 --> 00:55:40,339 anytime we wanna go on a walk with our wife, 1286 00:55:40,547 --> 00:55:41,673 with our kids. 1287 00:55:41,882 --> 00:55:42,966 That's why the most 1288 00:55:43,175 --> 00:55:45,302 responsible thing for "UCB Live" to do 1289 00:55:45,511 --> 00:55:47,846 is to have me on as a guest host tomorrow 1290 00:55:48,055 --> 00:55:49,640 and not the Batman. 1291 00:55:49,848 --> 00:55:52,684 I know you're watching Lorne Michaels, I know you are. 1292 00:55:52,893 --> 00:55:55,187 And you can do this willingly, or you can ignore this 1293 00:55:55,395 --> 00:55:56,939 and I'll just hack into your show. 1294 00:55:57,147 --> 00:55:58,774 I hacked into "Serve the Date," 1295 00:55:58,982 --> 00:56:00,234 clearly I know how to hack, 1296 00:56:00,442 --> 00:56:02,236 and I'll hack the world if I have to 1297 00:56:02,444 --> 00:56:05,531 'cause I'm the Joker, baby, and I'm a woman of my word. 1298 00:56:23,715 --> 00:56:25,968 - Well, - Hmm. 1299 00:56:26,176 --> 00:56:27,845 - that was, um. - Yeah. 1300 00:56:30,931 --> 00:56:35,727 Do you, um, um, um, perform here as well? 1301 00:56:35,936 --> 00:56:39,022 Oh, every now and then, I also do online anarchy, 1302 00:56:39,231 --> 00:56:41,066 chaos podcasting, stuff like that. 1303 00:56:41,275 --> 00:56:42,943 Oh, okay, okay, okay. 1304 00:56:44,695 --> 00:56:46,029 I tried. - What? 1305 00:56:46,238 --> 00:56:47,865 I tried and, and it's my fault. 1306 00:56:47,865 --> 00:56:49,616 I'm the one that convinced you to let me into your world. 1307 00:56:49,616 --> 00:56:51,994 You tried to warn me and I, I should've listened, (beep). 1308 00:56:52,202 --> 00:56:53,912 - Joker! - Why? 1309 00:56:54,121 --> 00:56:56,456 Because it feels like me, I don't know how to explain it. 1310 00:56:56,665 --> 00:56:58,792 Just call me Joker! - A, a, a boy dressed 1311 00:56:59,001 --> 00:57:01,044 in women's clothing, acting filthy and angry 1312 00:57:01,253 --> 00:57:02,963 at his mother, this is you, what happened? 1313 00:57:03,172 --> 00:57:04,381 You used to be such a happy little boy. 1314 00:57:04,840 --> 00:57:08,385 I've never been happy one fucking day in my life! 1315 00:57:13,932 --> 00:57:15,976 Breaking the law, you are lucky 1316 00:57:16,185 --> 00:57:17,686 that Batman doesn't swoop down from the sky 1317 00:57:17,895 --> 00:57:18,896 and lock you into Arkham Asylum. 1318 00:57:23,108 --> 00:57:26,486 ♪ If I got shot ♪ 1319 00:57:26,695 --> 00:57:28,947 ♪ Ooh, yeah ♪ - Already spawned 1320 00:57:29,156 --> 00:57:31,950 a fair share of copycat clown crime. 1321 00:57:32,159 --> 00:57:33,535 Two women wearing clown masks 1322 00:57:33,744 --> 00:57:35,245 were arrested. - Disgraced tech billionaire, 1323 00:57:35,454 --> 00:57:36,830 {\an8}Edward Nygma. - Lorne Michaels, 1324 00:57:37,039 --> 00:57:39,499 {\an8}that Canadian cuck, he's saying the whole thing 1325 00:57:39,708 --> 00:57:41,126 {\an8}is a prank. - It's like an Ellen thing, 1326 00:57:41,335 --> 00:57:42,920 before all the unpleasantness, of course. 1327 00:57:44,671 --> 00:57:46,215 This really isn't what cameo is for, 1328 00:57:46,423 --> 00:57:49,509 and I cannot legally do any of this stuff. 1329 00:57:49,718 --> 00:57:51,762 As far as I can tell, this is a clear cut case 1330 00:57:51,970 --> 00:57:53,347 of copyright infringement. 1331 00:57:53,555 --> 00:57:55,098 And I should know, I'm the lucky son of a gun 1332 00:57:55,307 --> 00:57:56,391 who's married to Betty Boop. 1333 00:57:56,600 --> 00:57:58,268 Of course, she slays politically, 1334 00:57:58,477 --> 00:58:00,938 but Joker is also so funny for a Harlequin. 1335 00:58:00,938 --> 00:58:02,439 Who would make up such a crazy joke 1336 00:58:02,439 --> 00:58:04,441 like Batman being a villain? 1337 00:58:04,650 --> 00:58:06,026 Come on, that's (beep) genius. 1338 00:58:06,026 --> 00:58:07,110 I need some air, 1339 00:58:07,110 --> 00:58:08,820 text if you need me. - Are we calling this person 1340 00:58:08,820 --> 00:58:09,821 she in the Caitlyn Jenner way, 1341 00:58:09,821 --> 00:58:10,781 - Okay. - or the RuPaul 1342 00:58:10,781 --> 00:58:12,074 frack ranch way? 1343 00:58:12,074 --> 00:58:14,910 No clue. 1344 00:58:15,118 --> 00:58:17,371 - He's so rude. - Oh, whatever, Mom. 1345 00:58:17,579 --> 00:58:19,957 So are you, so am I, we all are. 1346 00:58:24,795 --> 00:58:26,713 Do you really feel that way? 1347 00:58:26,922 --> 00:58:30,300 About what? 1348 00:58:32,803 --> 00:58:37,182 That you and I don't have one happy memory between us? 1349 00:58:40,852 --> 00:58:42,104 I really do. 1350 00:58:43,855 --> 00:58:46,149 When I really think about it, 1351 00:58:47,818 --> 00:58:50,362 I, I can't think of any, 1352 00:58:53,949 --> 00:58:54,783 can you? 1353 00:58:58,245 --> 00:58:59,037 No. 1354 00:59:02,249 --> 00:59:04,418 I think that's why it hurts so bad. 1355 00:59:08,171 --> 00:59:10,132 Sorry. 1356 00:59:10,340 --> 00:59:11,842 Hello? - Lorne Michaels here. 1357 00:59:11,842 --> 00:59:13,552 Is this a good time? - Uh, yeah, it's a great time. 1358 00:59:13,552 --> 00:59:14,928 I'm sorr- - Don't be. 1359 00:59:15,137 --> 00:59:17,180 I own 50% of "Serve the Date" 1360 00:59:17,389 --> 00:59:18,765 and it was the highest ratings we've had 1361 00:59:18,974 --> 00:59:20,475 since our Death Row season. 1362 00:59:20,684 --> 00:59:22,602 And, in fact, your little routine has given us all 1363 00:59:22,811 --> 00:59:24,187 a major wake up call 1364 00:59:24,396 --> 00:59:26,023 'cause we're putting together an all-new cast 1365 00:59:26,231 --> 00:59:28,984 and this one's gonna be diverse. 1366 00:59:31,987 --> 00:59:34,489 Oh, um, good job. 1367 00:59:34,698 --> 00:59:36,616 Thank you. I know. 1368 00:59:36,825 --> 00:59:38,869 I just wanna see if you would consider joining. 1369 00:59:39,077 --> 00:59:40,537 You want me to join "UCB Live" 1370 00:59:40,746 --> 00:59:42,122 after the night I just put you through? 1371 00:59:42,331 --> 00:59:43,623 Not only that, I would like 1372 00:59:43,832 --> 00:59:45,834 you to host the show tomorrow. 1373 00:59:46,043 --> 00:59:47,169 You're bumping the Batman? 1374 00:59:47,377 --> 00:59:48,879 Honey, you're bumping the Batman. 1375 00:59:49,087 --> 00:59:50,714 - You've gotta be joking. - I don't joke, 1376 00:59:50,922 --> 00:59:52,382 I leave that to my cast. 1377 00:59:52,591 --> 00:59:53,925 The writers are all so very talented, 1378 00:59:54,134 --> 00:59:55,427 so I really couldn't tell you why the show 1379 00:59:55,635 --> 00:59:57,763 as a whole is so uneven, jost, 1380 00:59:57,971 --> 01:00:00,140 comedy is subjective, of course. 1381 01:00:00,349 --> 01:00:01,683 Either way, it's definitely 1382 01:00:01,892 --> 01:00:03,477 time for me to retire. - Number five, 1383 01:00:03,685 --> 01:00:05,979 he steals your medication. - Anyway, I'll see you 1384 01:00:06,188 --> 01:00:07,689 at the studio tomorrow mañana. 1385 01:00:07,898 --> 01:00:09,274 - Tomorrow morning? - That's right. 1386 01:00:09,483 --> 01:00:11,818 9:00 am your accelerated training begins. 1387 01:00:12,027 --> 01:00:13,487 Do I still have to pay tuition? 1388 01:00:13,695 --> 01:00:15,489 Don't be silly, we just dock it from your pay. 1389 01:00:18,408 --> 01:00:19,910 Did you take my Smylex? 1390 01:00:20,118 --> 01:00:21,078 Yeah, so what? 1391 01:00:21,286 --> 01:00:22,954 I didn't want you to get high 1392 01:00:23,163 --> 01:00:25,916 and be unable to have this conversation with me. 1393 01:00:26,124 --> 01:00:27,542 - What? - How could you do that? 1394 01:00:27,751 --> 01:00:28,460 Do what? 1395 01:00:28,794 --> 01:00:30,504 That stunt back there. 1396 01:00:30,712 --> 01:00:34,216 You put yourself and all of our friends in so much trouble. 1397 01:00:34,424 --> 01:00:36,635 Do you realize how powerful Wayne is? 1398 01:00:36,843 --> 01:00:38,053 Yeah, I know how powerful Wayne is. 1399 01:00:38,261 --> 01:00:40,972 I did this because of, for you kinda. 1400 01:00:41,181 --> 01:00:43,433 Clout chasing, edgelord horseshit! 1401 01:00:43,642 --> 01:00:45,060 Let go of me, Jason! 1402 01:00:45,268 --> 01:00:46,937 You slapped the inhaler out of my hand earlier, 1403 01:00:47,145 --> 01:00:51,358 you hypocrite, I, I do not feel safe around you. 1404 01:00:52,192 --> 01:00:54,152 My mom is in the emergency room. 1405 01:00:54,361 --> 01:00:57,322 God, Joker, it's always about you. 1406 01:00:58,532 --> 01:00:59,950 Whatever you say, Mr. J. 1407 01:01:00,158 --> 01:01:01,701 Where the hell are you going? 1408 01:01:01,910 --> 01:01:05,414 I can't do this anymore, I can't, we're done. 1409 01:01:05,622 --> 01:01:07,040 - Please, no. - Please don't touch me, 1410 01:01:07,249 --> 01:01:08,250 please. - Look, 1411 01:01:09,793 --> 01:01:12,295 don't leave me, 1412 01:01:12,504 --> 01:01:15,298 you're all I have, I'm all you have. 1413 01:01:15,507 --> 01:01:19,386 A-and I, I love you. 1414 01:01:22,514 --> 01:01:25,308 Then, please, just leave me alone. 1415 01:01:36,445 --> 01:01:39,030 Jesus Christ, what happened here? 1416 01:01:39,239 --> 01:01:40,991 Well, because of your little stunt, 1417 01:01:41,199 --> 01:01:44,744 Batman and a bunch of Gordon's pigs decided to raid our ass. 1418 01:01:44,953 --> 01:01:47,038 Is everybody okay? 1419 01:01:47,247 --> 01:01:48,540 Are you okay? 1420 01:01:48,748 --> 01:01:50,917 Yeah, I've never been better, Penguin. 1421 01:01:51,126 --> 01:01:53,295 - Is your mom okay? - Nope. 1422 01:01:53,503 --> 01:01:56,381 But you're gonna do a shot with me 1423 01:01:56,590 --> 01:01:59,217 because I have some really good news. 1424 01:01:59,426 --> 01:02:00,927 You're so hopped up on Smylex 1425 01:02:01,136 --> 01:02:02,971 that you're gonna start a new theater with me 1426 01:02:03,180 --> 01:02:04,514 somewhere in this town? - No, there's not gonna be 1427 01:02:04,723 --> 01:02:05,974 starting a new theater 1428 01:02:06,183 --> 01:02:08,143 because I shattered the glass ceiling 1429 01:02:08,351 --> 01:02:10,395 that is "UCB Live." - What? 1430 01:02:10,604 --> 01:02:11,730 Yeah, Lorne called me, Michaels, 1431 01:02:11,938 --> 01:02:13,398 he loved the video we did. 1432 01:02:13,607 --> 01:02:16,193 And he wants to put me on an all-new cast, 1433 01:02:16,401 --> 01:02:19,404 it's a diversity cast. - And you said yes to this? 1434 01:02:19,613 --> 01:02:21,948 I mean, I didn't say no. Why would I say no? 1435 01:02:21,948 --> 01:02:23,158 I, I don't know what to say. 1436 01:02:23,366 --> 01:02:24,826 Oh, I'm speechless, too. 1437 01:02:25,035 --> 01:02:27,579 You're messed up, you crafted this entire persona 1438 01:02:27,787 --> 01:02:29,414 on being outside the mainstream, 1439 01:02:29,623 --> 01:02:31,333 then the second you get invited to the table, 1440 01:02:31,541 --> 01:02:33,168 you start kissing Lorne Michaels' ass. 1441 01:02:33,376 --> 01:02:34,836 How could I kiss Lorne Michaels' ass? 1442 01:02:35,045 --> 01:02:36,505 We can't even afford to animate 1443 01:02:36,713 --> 01:02:38,757 the back half of it. - This is a betrayal, Joker. 1444 01:02:38,757 --> 01:02:40,467 Think about all the queer kids who finally get to watch 1445 01:02:40,675 --> 01:02:42,093 a trans woman on a comedy show. 1446 01:02:42,302 --> 01:02:43,303 Oh, that makes you a hero? 1447 01:02:43,512 --> 01:02:45,138 What if it does, you prick? 1448 01:02:45,347 --> 01:02:47,557 Then it makes you the hero Gotham deserves, 1449 01:02:47,766 --> 01:02:50,393 a selfish, stupid, asshole hero! 1450 01:02:51,520 --> 01:02:53,146 - I don't know if it's Dent, 1451 01:02:53,355 --> 01:02:55,857 or Wayne, or some other psychotic soul junkie 1452 01:02:56,066 --> 01:02:58,235 in their back cabal, someone is transmitting 1453 01:02:58,443 --> 01:02:59,736 electrostatic brainwaves 1454 01:02:59,945 --> 01:03:01,112 {\an8}into my wife and children, 1455 01:03:01,321 --> 01:03:03,198 {\an8}making them less affectionate towards me. 1456 01:03:03,406 --> 01:03:06,326 On that note, I'd just like to reiterate that T girl clown 1457 01:03:06,535 --> 01:03:07,702 that destroyed all the Batdrones 1458 01:03:07,911 --> 01:03:09,287 is not my child. 1459 01:03:09,496 --> 01:03:12,374 - Smallville Suicide Hotline. 1460 01:03:12,582 --> 01:03:15,377 Uh, hi, um, I, uh, was just calling to see 1461 01:03:15,585 --> 01:03:17,087 if you'd let me know what the weather was like 1462 01:03:17,295 --> 01:03:19,256 in Smallville right now. - This is an emergency hotline 1463 01:03:19,464 --> 01:03:21,299 for people who wanna off themselves, 1464 01:03:21,508 --> 01:03:23,760 no weather service for sad losers. 1465 01:03:23,969 --> 01:03:25,178 Totally understood, thanks so much. 1466 01:03:26,805 --> 01:03:28,265 - Hello, please, state 1467 01:03:28,473 --> 01:03:30,141 your name. - Joker the Harlequin. 1468 01:03:30,350 --> 01:03:31,977 The name you entered Joanna Kerns 1469 01:03:32,185 --> 01:03:33,979 to Harlequin not found. 1470 01:03:34,187 --> 01:03:35,438 Please, state your name. 1471 01:03:35,730 --> 01:03:37,482 Listen, bitch, I legally changed my name 1472 01:03:37,691 --> 01:03:39,401 to Joker the Harlequin, so it better be 1473 01:03:39,609 --> 01:03:41,695 in your system. - The name you entered Lisa, 1474 01:03:41,903 --> 01:03:43,989 bitch, I legally changed my name to Joanna Kerns 1475 01:03:44,197 --> 01:03:45,991 to Harlequin not found. 1476 01:03:46,199 --> 01:03:47,158 Please, state your name. 1477 01:03:47,367 --> 01:03:48,451 - Drew. - Access granted. 1478 01:03:50,453 --> 01:03:54,749 Hello, I'm Ra's al Ghul, you must be Joker, welcome. 1479 01:03:55,709 --> 01:03:57,252 Um, hi, we've met before actually. 1480 01:03:57,460 --> 01:03:59,254 You look different. 1481 01:03:59,462 --> 01:04:01,965 Yeah, well, I am different. 1482 01:04:02,173 --> 01:04:03,383 Where's Lorne Michaels? 1483 01:04:03,592 --> 01:04:06,720 It's just you and I today, Joker. 1484 01:04:06,720 --> 01:04:08,471 Well, I'm afraid you got your work cut out for you 1485 01:04:08,471 --> 01:04:10,640 because I never even passed yes, and. 1486 01:04:10,849 --> 01:04:13,935 One of my best students failed at yes, and 1487 01:04:14,144 --> 01:04:15,979 during his first attempt, 1488 01:04:16,187 --> 01:04:19,733 the eagerness to not accept defeat 1489 01:04:19,941 --> 01:04:21,985 is what made him a legend. 1490 01:04:22,861 --> 01:04:23,862 Yeah, then what happened? 1491 01:04:24,154 --> 01:04:25,405 Did you cut his arms and legs off 1492 01:04:25,614 --> 01:04:27,449 with a laser sword on a volcano planet? 1493 01:04:27,657 --> 01:04:30,076 Close, after I flunked him, he threw on a codpiece 1494 01:04:30,285 --> 01:04:32,329 and helped get comedy outlawed. 1495 01:04:32,537 --> 01:04:35,373 Batman went to "UCB" and you trained him? 1496 01:04:35,582 --> 01:04:37,792 I'm afraid I failed the Batman, 1497 01:04:38,001 --> 01:04:40,795 he gave up before ever reaching Hypercube. 1498 01:04:41,004 --> 01:04:43,965 Some men just don't wanna watch the world burn. 1499 01:04:44,174 --> 01:04:47,427 So what you're saying is, I should start fighting crime? 1500 01:04:47,636 --> 01:04:49,804 I'm saying that the failure to settle 1501 01:04:50,013 --> 01:04:51,806 is a sign of a greater path. 1502 01:04:52,015 --> 01:04:54,559 - Oh, yeah, and what's that? - "The People's Joker." 1503 01:04:54,768 --> 01:04:58,730 It was foretold that someday a clown would rise 1504 01:04:58,938 --> 01:05:00,732 to restore the power of comedy 1505 01:05:00,940 --> 01:05:02,984 from those who have stolen it. 1506 01:05:03,193 --> 01:05:06,613 That this person would reclaim comedy 1507 01:05:06,821 --> 01:05:09,199 and would repurify it as an art form. 1508 01:05:09,407 --> 01:05:11,076 - It sounds pretentious. - It is. 1509 01:05:11,284 --> 01:05:14,621 Comedy has long held a lofty view of itself for its ability 1510 01:05:14,829 --> 01:05:17,624 to see and to disseminate truth. 1511 01:05:17,832 --> 01:05:21,461 But truth controlled by autocracy is a distortion. 1512 01:05:21,670 --> 01:05:24,631 The prophecy states that a man will come forth 1513 01:05:24,839 --> 01:05:27,258 that sees the virtue and madness. 1514 01:05:27,467 --> 01:05:31,846 A man that truly understands the healing power of laughter. 1515 01:05:32,055 --> 01:05:34,474 Question, what if she's not sure she's a man? 1516 01:05:34,683 --> 01:05:36,518 Joker, are you ready to begin? 1517 01:05:36,726 --> 01:05:38,353 Sure. 1518 01:05:38,561 --> 01:05:40,939 A true jokeman doesn't tell jokes. 1519 01:05:41,147 --> 01:05:44,859 He tells the truth. 1520 01:05:45,068 --> 01:05:47,570 Uh, an Atlantean, a Kryptonian and a metahuman 1521 01:05:47,779 --> 01:05:50,198 walk into a bar. - So if you're living a lie, 1522 01:05:50,407 --> 01:05:52,367 you can't be a jokeman. 1523 01:05:52,575 --> 01:05:54,327 How come people always bring tomatoes 1524 01:05:54,536 --> 01:05:56,079 to comedy shows? 1525 01:05:56,287 --> 01:05:59,499 We lie when we are afraid. 1526 01:05:59,708 --> 01:06:01,251 So tell me, Joker the Harlequin, 1527 01:06:03,294 --> 01:06:05,755 what do you fear? 1528 01:06:05,964 --> 01:06:06,756 My mother, 1529 01:06:13,346 --> 01:06:16,099 my boyfriend as well. 1530 01:06:16,307 --> 01:06:19,477 What you really fear is inside yourself. 1531 01:06:19,686 --> 01:06:22,814 You fear your own power and truth. 1532 01:06:23,022 --> 01:06:26,985 Now you must journey inwards, breathe in your fears. 1533 01:06:28,653 --> 01:06:29,487 Breathe. 1534 01:06:34,701 --> 01:06:37,787 - Where are you? 1535 01:06:37,996 --> 01:06:41,374 I'm back in Arkham. 1536 01:06:44,461 --> 01:06:46,129 - What do you see? 1537 01:06:46,337 --> 01:06:48,965 - Crane. - Have you come for a refill, 1538 01:06:49,174 --> 01:06:51,426 sonny boy? - He can't hurt you. 1539 01:06:51,634 --> 01:06:52,969 You ruined my life, Crane. 1540 01:06:53,178 --> 01:06:54,971 And I'm certain you ruined so many others. 1541 01:06:55,180 --> 01:06:58,099 I don't ruin lives, 1542 01:06:58,308 --> 01:06:59,851 I make them super sane. 1543 01:07:02,353 --> 01:07:04,522 I give the gift of victimhood. 1544 01:07:15,408 --> 01:07:18,870 Any red-blooded Gotham who wants to be a victim, 1545 01:07:19,078 --> 01:07:20,580 but they're all waiting for a man 1546 01:07:20,789 --> 01:07:23,333 in a rubber suit to save them. 1547 01:07:23,541 --> 01:07:26,211 I'm not a victim, and I'm not afraid of you! 1548 01:07:26,419 --> 01:07:29,714 Ah, but you should be afraid of me. 1549 01:07:29,923 --> 01:07:33,760 Without fear, what will you hold on to? 1550 01:07:33,968 --> 01:07:35,637 Oh, my poor little boy. 1551 01:07:35,845 --> 01:07:38,807 - What, what, what, what? - I've never been a boy. 1552 01:07:39,015 --> 01:07:40,642 And I think you've always known that, Mama. 1553 01:07:40,850 --> 01:07:42,852 I know what I thought about my mother 1554 01:07:43,061 --> 01:07:45,271 and I couldn't handle if somebody felt about me 1555 01:07:45,480 --> 01:07:46,898 the way I felt about her. 1556 01:07:47,106 --> 01:07:50,318 So, yes, yes, Joker. 1557 01:07:51,653 --> 01:07:54,781 I knew you were a little girl, 1558 01:07:54,989 --> 01:07:58,451 a trapped, miserable little girl. 1559 01:07:58,660 --> 01:08:00,537 But I was protecting you from growing up 1560 01:08:00,745 --> 01:08:05,124 and turning into a trapped, miserable woman 1561 01:08:05,333 --> 01:08:07,252 because I know what that feels like. 1562 01:08:22,600 --> 01:08:24,519 I've just been walking around in circles my entire life. 1563 01:08:24,727 --> 01:08:26,020 We all do, my dear. 1564 01:08:26,229 --> 01:08:27,939 And you can't blame yourself 1565 01:08:28,147 --> 01:08:30,900 for repeating the only cycle you ever knew. 1566 01:08:31,109 --> 01:08:33,528 We're human and we all need family. 1567 01:08:33,736 --> 01:08:36,573 It's more than that, Ra's, and you know it, it- 1568 01:08:36,781 --> 01:08:38,908 What do you know about clownfish? 1569 01:08:38,908 --> 01:08:40,243 What is it with this movie and fish? 1570 01:08:40,451 --> 01:08:41,703 No, I don't like Pixar, 1571 01:08:41,911 --> 01:08:43,496 I find them emotionally manipulative. 1572 01:08:43,705 --> 01:08:46,082 And John Lasseter is a walking boundary violation 1573 01:08:46,291 --> 01:08:47,458 in an Hawaiian shirt. 1574 01:08:47,667 --> 01:08:49,794 Japanese clownfish, like humans, 1575 01:08:50,003 --> 01:08:52,338 have a very strict social structure. 1576 01:08:52,547 --> 01:08:55,341 But in clownfish society, women rule, 1577 01:08:55,550 --> 01:08:57,385 a school of clownfish 1578 01:08:57,594 --> 01:09:00,555 is always led by one female. 1579 01:09:00,763 --> 01:09:04,309 She leads the path and she mates with all the men. 1580 01:09:04,517 --> 01:09:07,395 But when the dominant female dies, 1581 01:09:07,604 --> 01:09:10,315 the largest male will change his sex 1582 01:09:10,523 --> 01:09:15,153 and resume her former role as mother of the school. 1583 01:09:15,361 --> 01:09:17,405 Are you telling me this to make me jealous of fish? 1584 01:09:17,614 --> 01:09:19,157 No, I'm telling you this 1585 01:09:19,365 --> 01:09:22,785 'cause clownfish know that identity is not fixed. 1586 01:09:22,994 --> 01:09:27,165 What you were before is irrelevant to who you are today. 1587 01:09:28,333 --> 01:09:29,417 So who are you? 1588 01:09:37,967 --> 01:09:39,719 I still don't know. 1589 01:09:44,265 --> 01:09:47,435 Well, we'll soon find out. 1590 01:09:47,644 --> 01:09:49,062 Do I have what it takes? 1591 01:09:49,270 --> 01:09:51,606 We'll find that out as well, I suppose. 1592 01:09:51,814 --> 01:09:52,982 By the way, take a look at this. 1593 01:09:53,191 --> 01:09:54,734 What's this, more prophecy? 1594 01:09:54,943 --> 01:09:57,320 Notes from our board of censors. 1595 01:09:57,528 --> 01:09:59,072 I can't do drugs on camera, 1596 01:09:59,280 --> 01:10:01,783 I can't talk about Bruce Wayne or Batman, 1597 01:10:01,991 --> 01:10:04,994 and I can't wear drag, that's my act. 1598 01:10:05,203 --> 01:10:07,205 You had to expect there would be some rules. 1599 01:10:07,413 --> 01:10:10,083 It's not drag Ra's and you know that, it's my clothes. 1600 01:10:10,291 --> 01:10:11,751 I tried to explain that to Lorne, 1601 01:10:11,960 --> 01:10:14,170 but he wants to ease people into your situation. 1602 01:10:14,379 --> 01:10:15,463 My situation? 1603 01:10:17,173 --> 01:10:19,926 It's bullshit, it's bullshit! 1604 01:10:20,134 --> 01:10:22,011 I you, you, all day, you've been telling me 1605 01:10:22,220 --> 01:10:23,388 to find my truth. 1606 01:10:23,596 --> 01:10:24,764 Look, don't shoot the messenger. 1607 01:10:24,973 --> 01:10:26,224 I'm not trying to tell you to do anything. 1608 01:10:26,224 --> 01:10:27,725 You're another old rich guy who doesn't get it. 1609 01:10:27,725 --> 01:10:29,185 I'm just relaying a message from my bosses. 1610 01:10:29,394 --> 01:10:31,187 Did I say you need to listen to that message? 1611 01:10:31,187 --> 01:10:32,355 Yeah, and what about "The People's Joker," 1612 01:10:32,355 --> 01:10:33,773 would he listen? 1613 01:10:33,982 --> 01:10:36,567 You know what? I think she wouldn't. 1614 01:10:45,868 --> 01:10:46,577 Okay. 1615 01:10:48,830 --> 01:10:51,207 Okay. 1616 01:10:51,416 --> 01:10:52,750 So what now? 1617 01:10:52,959 --> 01:10:55,378 It's time for you to get ready for the show. 1618 01:11:08,391 --> 01:11:12,061 ♪ Bow before our jungle queen ♪ 1619 01:11:16,149 --> 01:11:20,945 ♪ The spunkiest chick, I've seen on screens ♪ 1620 01:11:22,530 --> 01:11:24,449 ♪ Will she name her pronouns ♪ 1621 01:11:24,657 --> 01:11:26,284 ♪ Body woman ♪ 1622 01:11:26,492 --> 01:11:28,578 ♪ Body woman ♪ 1623 01:11:28,786 --> 01:11:31,956 ♪ Rock a body like no gal can ♪ 1624 01:11:32,165 --> 01:11:36,252 ♪ A sexy sensation of Jokerfication ♪ 1625 01:11:36,461 --> 01:11:38,296 ♪ Body woman ♪ 1626 01:11:38,504 --> 01:11:40,423 ♪ Body woman ♪ 1627 01:11:40,631 --> 01:11:42,592 ♪ Girl lives in a shallow ♪ 1628 01:11:42,800 --> 01:11:45,970 ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 1629 01:11:48,014 --> 01:11:49,557 - Holy shit! 1630 01:11:52,935 --> 01:11:54,771 - Joker, get in. 1631 01:11:54,771 --> 01:11:55,813 - Ah, no. - Ah, come on, 1632 01:11:56,105 --> 01:11:58,399 you're already late as is. 1633 01:11:58,608 --> 01:12:01,986 Fine. 1634 01:12:02,195 --> 01:12:05,031 So, ready for the show? 1635 01:12:05,239 --> 01:12:07,075 Yeah, I am ready for the show, please, just drive. 1636 01:12:09,118 --> 01:12:10,495 When are we gonna set aside some time 1637 01:12:10,495 --> 01:12:12,663 so we can talk about us? 1638 01:12:12,872 --> 01:12:15,416 Are you kidding me right now? Talk about us? 1639 01:12:15,625 --> 01:12:17,335 - Pull over, Jason. - God, we got company. 1640 01:12:17,543 --> 01:12:18,669 All the more reason for us 1641 01:12:18,878 --> 01:12:19,962 to not have this conversation right now. 1642 01:12:20,171 --> 01:12:23,007 Look, I screwed up. I am screwed up. 1643 01:12:23,216 --> 01:12:24,509 And that's why you're the only one 1644 01:12:24,717 --> 01:12:27,428 for me because so are you. 1645 01:12:27,637 --> 01:12:29,430 Just a reminder, kids, this is not romantic, 1646 01:12:29,639 --> 01:12:32,100 and I will show you the checklist again if I have to. 1647 01:12:32,308 --> 01:12:34,811 It's not you that I want Jason, it's her, 1648 01:12:35,019 --> 01:12:37,271 it's Joker, nobody's gonna take away my dream 1649 01:12:37,480 --> 01:12:39,148 of hosting "UCB Live." 1650 01:12:39,357 --> 01:12:40,566 You really think you're gonna be able 1651 01:12:40,775 --> 01:12:42,110 to transition without me? 1652 01:12:42,318 --> 01:12:45,696 Why is it always about you? 1653 01:12:45,905 --> 01:12:48,491 This isn't about me at all, this is about you. 1654 01:12:48,699 --> 01:12:50,368 Think about it, think about all the progress you made 1655 01:12:50,576 --> 01:12:51,911 when we were together. 1656 01:12:52,120 --> 01:12:53,412 You would've never - Yeah, 1657 01:12:53,412 --> 01:12:54,580 you're right. - figured out who you were 1658 01:12:54,580 --> 01:12:55,957 without me. - You're right, 1659 01:12:55,957 --> 01:12:57,375 I would've never figured out who I was without you 1660 01:12:57,375 --> 01:12:58,709 because I finally had love in my life. 1661 01:12:58,709 --> 01:13:01,045 I finally had somebody who genuinely 1662 01:13:01,254 --> 01:13:02,755 and authentically loved me. 1663 01:13:02,964 --> 01:13:05,383 And it's just my luck, the ultimate joke of it 1664 01:13:05,591 --> 01:13:08,052 is, I found love from an unstable clown 1665 01:13:08,261 --> 01:13:10,054 with a Damaged tattoo on his head. 1666 01:13:10,263 --> 01:13:12,223 Of course, I fell in love with the most traumatized boy 1667 01:13:12,431 --> 01:13:13,724 on the planet. 1668 01:13:13,933 --> 01:13:15,518 Of course, I thought if I just fixed you, 1669 01:13:15,726 --> 01:13:18,146 I could finally fix me. 1670 01:13:18,354 --> 01:13:20,231 Stupid Bats! 1671 01:13:22,400 --> 01:13:25,027 I've never thought you needed to be fixed. 1672 01:13:25,236 --> 01:13:27,947 Dummy, that is why you're the first person 1673 01:13:28,156 --> 01:13:29,991 that genuinely loved me. 1674 01:13:30,199 --> 01:13:31,742 - Still love you. - Puddin', puddin', 1675 01:13:31,951 --> 01:13:33,161 I can't swim! 1676 01:13:45,423 --> 01:13:46,591 Come on, Jason, wake up. 1677 01:13:51,179 --> 01:13:53,848 Oh, thank you, God. 1678 01:13:54,056 --> 01:13:56,893 Ah, fuck you, God. 1679 01:13:57,101 --> 01:13:58,853 All right, Batsy, you wanna get nuts? 1680 01:13:59,896 --> 01:14:01,189 Let's get nuts. 1681 01:14:01,397 --> 01:14:03,608 Whoa! 1682 01:14:06,360 --> 01:14:07,778 - Don't worry, Bruce, 1683 01:14:07,987 --> 01:14:09,655 we're not gonna kill ya. - Ow. 1684 01:14:09,864 --> 01:14:12,950 We're gonna hurt ya really, really bad. 1685 01:14:14,202 --> 01:14:15,453 Ain't that right, Penguin? 1686 01:14:15,661 --> 01:14:19,457 Yeah, we're gonna treat you real ice. 1687 01:14:20,708 --> 01:14:21,667 - Selina? - Bruce. 1688 01:14:21,876 --> 01:14:22,793 Batman knows Catwoman? 1689 01:14:23,002 --> 01:14:24,503 I went on one lousy date 1690 01:14:24,712 --> 01:14:26,088 and he's going around telling people I'm a sex worker. 1691 01:14:26,297 --> 01:14:27,715 Not that there's anything wrong with sex work, 1692 01:14:27,924 --> 01:14:30,593 it's just girls can be cat burglars, Frank Miller. 1693 01:14:30,801 --> 01:14:33,888 And gender nonconforming plant people can be botanists. 1694 01:14:34,096 --> 01:14:35,264 Isn't that right, 1695 01:14:35,473 --> 01:14:37,892 you plagiaristic sack of fleshy fauna? 1696 01:14:38,100 --> 01:14:39,685 What are you people? 1697 01:14:39,894 --> 01:14:43,522 Don't you see, Bruce? 1698 01:14:43,731 --> 01:14:47,193 We're the jokers of the 1699 01:14:47,401 --> 01:14:49,987 daughters, we're the daughters of the jokers 1700 01:14:50,196 --> 01:14:51,864 you couldn't burn. 1701 01:14:52,073 --> 01:14:54,825 Get it? 1702 01:14:55,034 --> 01:14:57,119 Nope. 1703 01:14:57,328 --> 01:14:58,412 He's getting away! 1704 01:14:58,621 --> 01:14:59,664 Got him! 1705 01:15:07,588 --> 01:15:12,593 Just a grown man who plays with toys all night. 1706 01:15:14,136 --> 01:15:15,680 - You like that, Batman? 1707 01:15:15,888 --> 01:15:17,932 That's my impression of one of your Batdrones 1708 01:15:18,140 --> 01:15:20,017 concussing my mother. 1709 01:15:20,226 --> 01:15:22,478 At least your mother's still alive. 1710 01:15:22,687 --> 01:15:24,146 Ah, so that's where Jason picked that one up. 1711 01:15:33,364 --> 01:15:36,325 Let go of me, you crazy bitch. 1712 01:15:36,534 --> 01:15:38,786 I am not crazy! 1713 01:15:42,915 --> 01:15:46,127 I'm super sane! 1714 01:15:50,256 --> 01:15:52,883 All right, I'm pretty sure I just killed that Batman. 1715 01:15:53,092 --> 01:15:55,303 Can you at least agree with me that we need to take a break? 1716 01:15:55,511 --> 01:16:00,057 Yeah, maybe you're right. 1717 01:16:00,266 --> 01:16:04,645 I was just really hoping for a happy ending here for us. 1718 01:16:07,064 --> 01:16:08,274 You were my happy beginning 1719 01:16:08,566 --> 01:16:12,361 and, honestly, I needed that way more right now. 1720 01:16:12,570 --> 01:16:14,071 But I'm gonna be late and I ripped my jacket 1721 01:16:14,280 --> 01:16:16,615 so I have nothing to wear. 1722 01:16:16,824 --> 01:16:18,701 I don't know, a Joker in a red suit? 1723 01:16:18,909 --> 01:16:20,953 Oh, come on. 1724 01:16:21,162 --> 01:16:22,788 I'll make it work. 1725 01:16:24,040 --> 01:16:25,499 Bye, puddin'. 1726 01:16:27,835 --> 01:16:29,378 Look, I don't wanna scare you, 1727 01:16:29,587 --> 01:16:32,214 but do you know what this movement is really about? 1728 01:16:32,423 --> 01:16:34,508 Transsexual Reptilian Agenda. 1729 01:17:03,245 --> 01:17:06,791 - Live from Downtown Gotham, 1730 01:17:06,999 --> 01:17:09,085 it's "UCB Live" 1731 01:17:11,253 --> 01:17:12,546 {\an8}with David Spade, 1732 01:17:13,798 --> 01:17:14,840 Rudolf Hess, 1733 01:17:16,133 --> 01:17:17,259 {\an8}Hermann Gorig, 1734 01:17:18,302 --> 01:17:19,887 {\an8}David Spade, 1735 01:17:20,096 --> 01:17:23,432 with musical guest, Ben Folds Five. 1736 01:17:23,641 --> 01:17:26,560 And tonight's host, 1737 01:17:26,769 --> 01:17:28,854 Joker the Harlequin. 1738 01:17:29,063 --> 01:17:30,856 Thank you so much, Gotham City. How we doing tonight? 1739 01:17:33,025 --> 01:17:36,195 I'm Joker the Harlequin here to ease you into my situation. 1740 01:17:38,280 --> 01:17:41,617 Um, well, uh, you know, as the first openly queer person 1741 01:17:41,826 --> 01:17:44,328 on the "UCB" cast, normally it'd probably be my duty 1742 01:17:44,537 --> 01:17:46,288 to come out here and make all you cishets 1743 01:17:46,497 --> 01:17:47,873 feel comfortable. 1744 01:17:47,873 --> 01:17:49,708 But I'm not sure if you noticed on the drive over here, 1745 01:17:49,917 --> 01:17:51,293 things aren't exactly, uh, comfortable 1746 01:17:51,502 --> 01:17:52,628 in Gotham City right now, are they? 1747 01:17:55,381 --> 01:17:57,633 Jesus, you guys are really desperate for a laugh, huh? 1748 01:18:00,553 --> 01:18:02,012 Covfefe. 1749 01:18:02,221 --> 01:18:04,765 Uh-huh. 1750 01:18:08,561 --> 01:18:12,940 Oh my God it's Smylex. 1751 01:18:13,149 --> 01:18:17,528 You know, I should have known, Lorne, 1752 01:18:17,736 --> 01:18:20,197 Lorne Michaels wanted me to come out here tonight 1753 01:18:20,406 --> 01:18:22,658 dressed up like a man. - What the hell is he doing? 1754 01:18:22,867 --> 01:18:25,661 She's doing exactly what I trained her to do. 1755 01:18:25,870 --> 01:18:27,163 And I'm not a man. 1756 01:18:27,371 --> 01:18:28,789 People have been trying to convince me that I am 1757 01:18:28,998 --> 01:18:33,502 for my entire life and I'm not, I'm not a man. 1758 01:18:33,711 --> 01:18:36,088 And I'm not a woman with an asterisk either. 1759 01:18:36,297 --> 01:18:38,299 I'm not a Joker, I'm not a Harlequin, 1760 01:18:38,507 --> 01:18:40,468 I'm not a hero, and I'm not a villain either, 1761 01:18:40,676 --> 01:18:43,095 because heroes and villains don't exist. 1762 01:18:43,304 --> 01:18:44,722 They were just invented 1763 01:18:44,930 --> 01:18:47,183 to sell you soda, life is not a comic book movie, 1764 01:18:47,183 --> 01:18:48,350 believe me. - That should have been me. 1765 01:18:48,350 --> 01:18:50,561 I really wish it was. 1766 01:18:50,769 --> 01:18:52,855 The truth is, we're all capable of being heroes 1767 01:18:53,063 --> 01:18:54,607 and villains at any given moment, 1768 01:18:54,815 --> 01:18:57,234 it just depends on what we choose to show up as. 1769 01:18:57,443 --> 01:18:59,695 And, you know, another thing, I'm sure this show 1770 01:18:59,904 --> 01:19:01,822 was really funny at one point, 1771 01:19:02,031 --> 01:19:03,449 I don't really remember it ever being funny, 1772 01:19:03,657 --> 01:19:04,783 maybe back in the '70s, 1773 01:19:04,783 --> 01:19:05,910 all it remember doing - My God, 1774 01:19:06,202 --> 01:19:07,244 I'm ruined. - is convincing us 1775 01:19:07,453 --> 01:19:09,246 politicians are actually comedians, 1776 01:19:09,455 --> 01:19:12,249 and that comedians are moral arbiters of truth 1777 01:19:12,458 --> 01:19:13,876 that we should turn to for answers. 1778 01:19:14,084 --> 01:19:16,045 And what could be more irresponsible than that? 1779 01:19:16,253 --> 01:19:17,796 All we can do is hurt each other. 1780 01:19:18,005 --> 01:19:19,924 And if we're lucky, maybe tell a Tinder bit or two. 1781 01:19:22,051 --> 01:19:23,636 You know what? 1782 01:19:23,844 --> 01:19:25,262 Who wants to hear the classic Joker the Harlequin bit: 1783 01:19:25,471 --> 01:19:26,847 The saddest story ever told? 1784 01:19:28,015 --> 01:19:29,725 Yeah, yeah? Okay, cool. 1785 01:19:29,934 --> 01:19:31,185 Well, once upon a time, 1786 01:19:31,393 --> 01:19:33,354 there was this little boy named Bruce 1787 01:19:33,562 --> 01:19:35,314 who had all of the money 1788 01:19:35,523 --> 01:19:39,527 in the world, 1789 01:19:39,735 --> 01:19:42,863 and he wouldn't shut up about his stupid dead parents. 1790 01:19:43,864 --> 01:19:44,907 My empire! 1791 01:19:48,285 --> 01:19:50,788 No! 1792 01:19:52,831 --> 01:19:54,458 And he couldn't face the truth about who he really was, 1793 01:19:54,667 --> 01:19:56,919 so he stayed up all night. 1794 01:20:01,382 --> 01:20:05,553 He stayed up all night, dressed up like a goddamn bat! 1795 01:20:09,557 --> 01:20:12,059 Ah! 1796 01:22:17,601 --> 01:22:18,727 Where on Earth am I? 1797 01:22:20,729 --> 01:22:22,398 Who said anything about being on Earth, pretty lady? 1798 01:22:22,606 --> 01:22:24,233 Well, hey, little guy, who are you? 1799 01:22:24,441 --> 01:22:26,902 I'm Mx. Mxyzptlk, that's who. 1800 01:22:27,111 --> 01:22:28,070 {\an8}Mr. Mix-a-what? 1801 01:22:28,278 --> 01:22:29,947 {\an8}Mx. Mxyzptlk. 1802 01:22:30,155 --> 01:22:31,699 {\an8}- Oh. - And you are in 1803 01:22:31,907 --> 01:22:33,367 the fifth dimension. 1804 01:22:33,575 --> 01:22:35,119 Not entirely unusual 1805 01:22:35,327 --> 01:22:37,579 for someone once they've achieved a super psyche. 1806 01:22:37,788 --> 01:22:39,998 Oh, cool. Well, what else can I do? 1807 01:22:40,207 --> 01:22:42,876 Ah, pretty much anything you want. 1808 01:22:43,085 --> 01:22:45,587 You wanna see Richard Pryor having sex with Marlon Brando? 1809 01:22:45,796 --> 01:22:47,131 - I mean. - I mean, who doesn't, right? 1810 01:22:47,339 --> 01:22:50,467 Yeah, duh. 1811 01:22:50,676 --> 01:22:52,344 Good for them, to be honest. 1812 01:22:52,344 --> 01:22:54,096 Well, I suppose you wanna see the birth of Rick Moranis 1813 01:22:54,096 --> 01:22:55,431 just to see if his parents knew 1814 01:22:55,431 --> 01:22:56,724 they had a winner right out the gate? 1815 01:23:00,060 --> 01:23:02,271 Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Moranis, 1816 01:23:02,479 --> 01:23:05,107 he's gonna be a national treasure. 1817 01:23:05,315 --> 01:23:07,443 Or sail through the multiverse 1818 01:23:07,651 --> 01:23:10,738 and any of infinite possible timelines. 1819 01:23:10,946 --> 01:23:12,573 So let me get this straight, 1820 01:23:12,573 --> 01:23:14,074 you're saying that not only are there an infinite number 1821 01:23:14,074 --> 01:23:16,618 of dimensions, there's also an infinite number 1822 01:23:16,827 --> 01:23:19,329 of possible timelines? - Precisely, 1823 01:23:21,039 --> 01:23:23,250 my dear, our universe is just one 1824 01:23:23,459 --> 01:23:26,044 of many existing in a vast structure 1825 01:23:26,253 --> 01:23:28,672 of alternate possibilities. 1826 01:23:28,881 --> 01:23:31,592 - Hey, that's me. - No, she's you. 1827 01:23:33,886 --> 01:23:35,179 Oh. 1828 01:23:36,638 --> 01:23:38,766 Say, Mx. Mxyzptlk, - Mm-hmm? 1829 01:23:38,974 --> 01:23:41,143 do you think you can clean up my timeline a little bit? 1830 01:23:41,351 --> 01:23:43,687 Uh, (sighs) I'm not so sure that's a good idea. 1831 01:23:43,896 --> 01:23:45,689 The last time I did that, the Endless exiled me. 1832 01:23:45,898 --> 01:23:47,941 Please, Mx. Mixy? Please? 1833 01:23:49,735 --> 01:23:51,987 ♪ I laugh on the outside ♪ 1834 01:23:52,196 --> 01:23:55,073 ♪ But my smile's just skin deep ♪ 1835 01:23:55,282 --> 01:23:59,161 ♪ Deep down inside, I want to cry and weep myself to sleep ♪ 1836 01:23:59,369 --> 01:24:00,412 Aw. 1837 01:24:00,704 --> 01:24:02,289 ♪ See Gotham's dark and dirty ♪ 1838 01:24:02,498 --> 01:24:05,083 ♪ And not to sound forlorn ♪ 1839 01:24:05,292 --> 01:24:06,919 ♪ I'm sad to say ♪ - Uh-huh? 1840 01:24:07,127 --> 01:24:09,087 ♪ Though Batman's gay ♪ 1841 01:24:09,296 --> 01:24:12,716 ♪ He's a closeted warlord ♪ 1842 01:24:14,593 --> 01:24:16,345 Mm-hmm. 1843 01:24:16,553 --> 01:24:17,930 ♪ So Mixy, Mx. Mixy ♪ 1844 01:24:18,138 --> 01:24:19,681 ♪ With the powers that you wield ♪ 1845 01:24:19,890 --> 01:24:21,350 Ah, here we go. ♪ Spread light ♪ 1846 01:24:21,558 --> 01:24:23,685 ♪ Into my darkened world and make my smile real ♪ 1847 01:24:23,894 --> 01:24:25,646 ♪ Well ♪ 1848 01:24:25,854 --> 01:24:27,397 Oh, all right. 1849 01:24:27,856 --> 01:24:32,277 ♪ With the wave of my imp hand, I'll make your city clean ♪ 1850 01:24:34,071 --> 01:24:36,240 ♪ You'll do comedy legally ♪ 1851 01:24:36,448 --> 01:24:37,950 ♪ The streets will be less mean ♪ 1852 01:24:40,369 --> 01:24:42,371 ♪ Where clowns will get the help they need ♪ 1853 01:24:42,579 --> 01:24:44,498 ♪ Without all the guilt trips ♪ 1854 01:24:44,706 --> 01:24:46,250 ♪ From the State, no longer put away ♪ 1855 01:24:46,458 --> 01:24:48,043 ♪ By a man with rubber nips ♪ 1856 01:24:48,252 --> 01:24:49,461 Wow! Oh, oh! 1857 01:24:49,670 --> 01:24:50,921 ♪ Mixy, Mx. Mixy ♪ 1858 01:24:51,129 --> 01:24:53,465 ♪ While we're making things ideal ♪ 1859 01:24:53,674 --> 01:24:56,885 ♪ Dimension swapping Batsy would make my smile real ♪ 1860 01:24:57,094 --> 01:24:58,428 Well, the pickings are rather slim, 1861 01:24:58,637 --> 01:24:59,888 what you thinking, Harlequin? 1862 01:25:00,097 --> 01:25:01,890 Hmm? Billionaire toy, MeToo playboy. 1863 01:25:02,099 --> 01:25:03,016 - Not him. - Not him. 1864 01:25:03,225 --> 01:25:04,268 Not him. 1865 01:25:04,476 --> 01:25:06,311 ♪ Well, Batman should be kind ♪ 1866 01:25:06,520 --> 01:25:08,438 ♪ Sweet and not a slob ♪ 1867 01:25:08,730 --> 01:25:13,193 ♪ Oh, wait, (chuckles) I know just the Penguin for the job ♪ 1868 01:25:13,402 --> 01:25:15,237 That bitch. 1869 01:25:15,445 --> 01:25:16,864 ♪ But Batman needs a Joker ♪ 1870 01:25:17,072 --> 01:25:19,575 ♪ Do you wish that to be you ♪ 1871 01:25:19,783 --> 01:25:21,451 ♪ If it's so, then let me know ♪ 1872 01:25:21,660 --> 01:25:24,997 ♪ And I'll bid you adieu ♪ 1873 01:25:26,081 --> 01:25:27,958 No, 1874 01:25:28,166 --> 01:25:31,044 if I only get one more. 1875 01:25:31,253 --> 01:25:35,799 ♪ I could wish for love or fame, but I had them ♪ 1876 01:25:37,301 --> 01:25:41,805 ♪ And they didn't set my sad heart free ♪ 1877 01:25:42,848 --> 01:25:46,143 ♪ I could wish to be cis ♪ 1878 01:25:46,351 --> 01:25:49,187 ♪ But I've done so much as this ♪ 1879 01:25:49,396 --> 01:25:53,859 ♪ I'm the woman that I want to be ♪ 1880 01:25:54,067 --> 01:25:58,488 ♪ But they say that I smiled ♪ 1881 01:25:58,697 --> 01:26:01,325 ♪ When I was a child ♪ 1882 01:26:01,533 --> 01:26:05,787 ♪ Oh, so naturally ♪ 1883 01:26:05,996 --> 01:26:10,000 ♪ So my wish ♪ 1884 01:26:10,208 --> 01:26:12,502 ♪ Will have to be ♪ 1885 01:26:12,711 --> 01:26:15,672 ♪ Just one happy memory ♪ 1886 01:26:21,887 --> 01:26:26,350 Why for you, dear People's Joker, 1887 01:26:26,558 --> 01:26:30,145 no request is barred, but this wish came true in '92 1888 01:26:33,106 --> 01:26:35,734 in your mama's car. 1889 01:26:35,943 --> 01:26:37,402 ♪ I'm a lover ♪ ♪ I'm a singer ♪ 1890 01:26:37,611 --> 01:26:38,737 ♪ And I'm making dinner ♪ 1891 01:26:38,946 --> 01:26:41,031 - Why? - Why not? 1892 01:26:44,284 --> 01:26:46,620 ♪ I'm a joker, I'm a smoker ♪ 1893 01:26:46,828 --> 01:26:48,914 ♪ I'm a midnight cookie eater ♪ 1894 01:26:49,122 --> 01:26:51,750 Cookie, what? 1895 01:26:51,959 --> 01:26:54,753 Mixy, thank you. 1896 01:26:54,962 --> 01:26:58,966 It's, this is honestly all I ever wanted. 1897 01:26:59,174 --> 01:27:01,802 Well, don't forget what happened to the little boy 1898 01:27:02,010 --> 01:27:04,930 who suddenly got everything he ever wanted, 1899 01:27:05,138 --> 01:27:06,640 she lived happily ever after. 1900 01:27:23,824 --> 01:27:27,160 ♪ If I were a hero for a day ♪ 1901 01:27:27,369 --> 01:27:31,289 ♪ I'd go back in time to save my village ♪ 1902 01:27:31,498 --> 01:27:36,294 ♪ From learning everything that changed ♪ 1903 01:27:37,754 --> 01:27:39,840 ♪ Would I really do with all the good ♪ 1904 01:27:40,048 --> 01:27:44,845 ♪ To replace my life with what it could be ♪ 1905 01:27:49,057 --> 01:27:52,060 ♪ I know you don't know me, but I do ♪ 1906 01:27:52,269 --> 01:27:56,815 ♪ Will improve it, but I still try to live another day ♪ 1907 01:28:05,407 --> 01:28:08,702 ♪ Here comes the world's greatest bird detective ♪ 1908 01:28:08,910 --> 01:28:11,163 {\an8} 1909 01:28:11,371 --> 01:28:12,748 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! 1910 01:28:12,956 --> 01:28:15,292 ♪ Nothing's much, much more effective ♪ 1911 01:28:17,127 --> 01:28:18,712 ♪ Batguin, Batguin ♪ 1912 01:28:18,920 --> 01:28:20,630 {\an8}♪ Protector of the night ♪ 1913 01:28:20,839 --> 01:28:22,799 ♪ Making up with Justice ♪ What he lacks in flight ♪ 1914 01:28:23,008 --> 01:28:24,968 ♪ Batguin, Batguin ♪ 1915 01:28:25,177 --> 01:28:26,678 ♪ Fighting real crime ♪ 1916 01:28:26,887 --> 01:28:29,181 ♪ Used to be the Penguin, now it's Batguin time ♪ 1917 01:28:29,389 --> 01:28:31,016 ♪ Batguin ♪ - I got a penguin belly, 1918 01:28:31,224 --> 01:28:34,311 but for a Batguin, we're Bat. 1919 01:28:34,519 --> 01:28:37,230 Batguin. 1920 01:28:37,439 --> 01:28:38,857 It's me, Penguin. 1921 01:28:40,233 --> 01:28:42,110 Ha! 1922 01:28:42,319 --> 01:28:44,905 ♪ If I'm not alone ♪ 1923 01:28:45,113 --> 01:28:49,284 ♪ Then why do we feel alone ♪ 1924 01:28:49,493 --> 01:28:52,621 ♪ And if none of us are alone ♪ 1925 01:28:52,829 --> 01:28:57,876 ♪ Then why are we lonely ♪ 1926 01:28:59,419 --> 01:29:02,089 ♪ And if I'm unwise ♪ 1927 01:29:02,297 --> 01:29:06,093 ♪ Then why can't I give good advice ♪ 1928 01:29:06,301 --> 01:29:09,554 ♪ Are all of us just leading lives ♪ 1929 01:29:09,763 --> 01:29:11,932 ♪ As leading roles ♪ 1930 01:29:12,140 --> 01:29:15,644 ♪ Well, I don't know, but they've said ♪ 1931 01:29:15,852 --> 01:29:18,105 ♪ Kid, you're delusional now ♪ 1932 01:29:18,313 --> 01:29:20,607 ♪ This life is a movie ♪ 1933 01:29:20,816 --> 01:29:23,360 ♪ It'll be over soon ♪ 1934 01:29:23,568 --> 01:29:27,823 ♪ You'll either win, or meet your doom ♪ 1935 01:29:28,031 --> 01:29:31,785 ♪ That can't be correct 'cuz I've seen the trouble I'm in ♪ 1936 01:29:31,993 --> 01:29:33,912 ♪ One day, you'll ♪ ♪ It seems to be ours ♪ 1937 01:29:34,121 --> 01:29:35,539 ♪ It seems to be ours ♪ 1938 01:29:35,747 --> 01:29:38,667 ♪ Oh, no, but now, I'm walking on back ♪ 1939 01:29:38,875 --> 01:29:41,336 ♪ And I just found ♪ 1940 01:29:41,545 --> 01:29:43,672 You will not silence the silent majority. 1941 01:29:43,880 --> 01:29:45,507 {\an8}You won't block a bald eagle 1942 01:29:45,715 --> 01:29:47,843 {\an8}and you cannot shadow-ban short rib. 1943 01:29:48,051 --> 01:29:51,179 - Have you ever tried DMT? 1944 01:29:51,388 --> 01:29:52,806 The Riddler may be in jail, 1945 01:29:53,014 --> 01:29:54,850 but passing up this offer would be a bigger crime. 1946 01:29:55,058 --> 01:29:57,894 I do, am intrigued about what you're doing though, 1947 01:29:58,103 --> 01:30:01,022 uh, about a, um, 1948 01:30:01,231 --> 01:30:03,275 a indie Batman queer coming-of-age film. 1949 01:30:03,483 --> 01:30:06,194 I think good for you, I think that, uh, 1950 01:30:06,403 --> 01:30:09,656 you're taking a chance, you're breaking barriers. 1951 01:30:09,865 --> 01:30:11,700 Uh, why not? Why not? 1952 01:30:24,880 --> 01:30:29,676 ♪ So when's my part supposed to end? ♪ 1953 01:30:31,011 --> 01:30:32,929 ♪ 'Cause I don't want to wait for ♪ 1954 01:30:33,138 --> 01:30:37,767 ♪ The people to stand ♪ 1955 01:30:37,976 --> 01:30:42,856 ♪ The credits roll, the seats all collapse ♪ 1956 01:30:44,566 --> 01:30:46,568 ♪ Did they get the joke? ♪ ♪ Did they get the joke? ♪ 1957 01:30:46,776 --> 01:30:48,778 ♪ Did anything land? ♪ 1958 01:30:48,987 --> 01:30:50,864 ♪ Did anything land? ♪ 1959 01:30:51,072 --> 01:30:53,867 ♪ If I were a villain for a day ♪ 1960 01:30:54,075 --> 01:30:56,953 ♪ I'd want to pick apart that brain ♪ 1961 01:30:57,162 --> 01:31:02,000 ♪ And throw the memories of my mistakes away ♪ 1962 01:31:03,084 --> 01:31:06,087 ♪ But I have to let them stay ♪ 1963 01:31:06,296 --> 01:31:07,547 - Do you know what? 1964 01:31:07,756 --> 01:31:09,674 Everyone in this theater go fucking crazy! 1965 01:31:09,883 --> 01:31:12,886 It's the end of the song and we want this theater electric. 1966 01:31:13,094 --> 01:31:14,387 I bet you want to get home, but, 1967 01:31:14,596 --> 01:31:16,223 bitches on heat seem like this, so. 1968 01:31:16,431 --> 01:31:19,351 Have a good night! 1969 01:31:19,559 --> 01:31:23,188 ♪ Well, isn't is beautiful how this life is a movie ♪ 1970 01:31:23,396 --> 01:31:26,066 ♪ And it'll be over soon ♪ 1971 01:31:26,274 --> 01:31:30,737 ♪ Whether you win, or meet your doom ♪ 1972 01:31:30,946 --> 01:31:33,865 ♪ You'll be rewarded by time ♪ 1973 01:31:34,074 --> 01:31:38,036 ♪ For even having the guts to try ♪ 1974 01:31:38,245 --> 01:31:41,081 ♪ 'Cause movies last for as many nights ♪ 1975 01:31:41,289 --> 01:31:44,376 ♪ As the ones you love ♪