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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[audience cheering]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[audience cheering]
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What's up, Washington D.C.?
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Thank you guys for coming out.
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Look, it's crazy times
out there right now.
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And we're all just doing our best,
and I want you guys to know,
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that for the next four
to five-and-a-half hours,
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everything is gonna be okay. Okay?
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Thank you.
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Didn't always feel that way.
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I remember, I was in seventh grade.
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And it was our first, like,
boy/girl party.
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Uh, and that was always very exciting.
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This was back in the day
when everyone was still straight.
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[audience laughing]
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And I was hyped.
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And so, I was wearing
my purple button-down shirt,
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and I was wearing
my GapKids khakis,
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with the elastic around the waist,
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for the kids who were like:
"I need to go poopy now!"
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I was very excited,
particularly about this party,
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because there was this girl there, Lizzy,
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who I'd had a crush on
my entire childhood.
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And she's sitting alone, watching TV.
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And I walk in.
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I already had my opening line
ready to go, I go:
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"So did you hear Mrs. Goldman's daughter
might have cancer?"
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Just spitting hot game.
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And just as she looks over at me,
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Jenny, the girl whose house it is,
comes up behind me,
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and she pantses me.
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Those GapKids khakis with
the elastic waist come right on down.
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And then below that
I'm wearing silk boxer shorts.
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Like a business man
on vacation in Hong Kong.
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Those slide right on down…
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Lizzy looks over at me,
and she is now eye to eye
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with my bald little cashew.
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She is horrified.
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Jenny, the girl who pantsed me,
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is mortified.
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And I am now a comedian.
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[audience laughing and cheering]
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Thank you.
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Thank you.
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I was a late bloomer,
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and that's why it was so terrible
getting pantsed at that age.
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I was also a picky eater.
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As a little kid I basically
would only eat mac and cheese.
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And, uh, I remember
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my mom would try to feed me other stuff,
I didn't want anything else…
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Every once in a while
she could spice it up
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with something like fettuccine Alfredo.
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Which in reality was just creaming it up.
It was…
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Fettuccine Alfredo,
the wettest of the pastas.
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One night I just slurp up
a big old bowl of fettuccine Alfredo.
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A great pre-karate meal.
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Especially for an undiagnosed
six-year-old lactose-intolerant.
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So I finish the fettuccine Alfredo.
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Hop in the minivan.
I'm not trying to brag,
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but we had the Plymouth Voyager.
It was not a big deal.
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I get in the way, way back.
I'm in deep right, okay?
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My mom gives me a peach for dessert.
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And I'm just like:
"Ew, this peach is juicy!"
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She's like: "Well, then don't eat it."
And I just take it
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and I just jam it into the cup holder.
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Put a napkin over it, and I'm just like:
"Peach!"
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Because at that point in my life
I did have a "spees" impediment.
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We then arrive at karate.
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I took karate. I was a little Jewish boy,
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and I took karate with ten
Irish-Catholic firemen in my town.
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At a Catholic school in my town
called Resurrection.
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This was a school that I was not
welcome at during the day.
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But I wanted to be like:
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"Without me,
I don't know if you got the name?"
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Allegedly, D.C.
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So I roll into karate.
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And I say hello
to my fellow martial artists.
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You know, like, show them great respect.
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I don't know if you have ever had
the privilege of attending a karate class
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or even better, a karate demo.
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Which is the occasional ceremony
where you show
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that you can do a TikTok dance
very basically.
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To be like… And I'm like…
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I don't know. I'm sorry. I won't do it.
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And you would slowly move up
from a white belt to a yellow belt
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to a black belt.
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And so I'm in karate,
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and I'm doing all the kicks
and all the punches.
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And I'm just like… "Okay, I'm good."
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"I'm good at karate."
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And all of a sudden I hear like:
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[imitating sound of stomach growling]
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And I'm like: "Oh, fettuccine Alfredo."
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So I excuse myself from karate.
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From all the martial artists.
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And I
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go into the hallway and then do that,
you know, that, like, speed walk you do,
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when you're like, you know.
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And it's so fun being
in another school's hallway.
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You see, like, an inspirational poster.
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You know, like Jesus that says, like:
"Hang in there." And…
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Oh… And I get to the bathroom,
and I'm getting ready to go.
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And I've, like, knotted the gi.
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Now, I don't know if you guys
are familiar again with the martial arts,
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but a gi is the outfit
you wear for karate.
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Now, "ghee" is also a word
that is now used for clarified butter.
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For those of you who may
be familiar with the keto diet
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or bulletproof coffee.
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I'm currently doing bulletproof coffee,
and that is where you put
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like, a lot of clarified butter
in your coffee.
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Five years from now they're gonna be like:
"Remember when everyone's veins exploded?"
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It was like the Atkins diet.
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Remember the guy
who invented the Atkins diet
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died of a heart attack?
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Or the guy who invented the Segway?
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Do you guys know how the guy
who invented the Segway died?
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He fell off a cliff on his Segway…
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Which is a good segue back to…
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…my gi.
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Which I had knotted like a hundred times,
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because children
don't understand the future
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or consequences.
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So I'm trying to unknot the gi.
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And then I just spray the gi…
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…with fettuccine Alfredo foam.
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I now have to go back
through the school hallway
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kind of like moseying along.
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Like a little John Wayne.
I get back into karate, and I'm like:
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"Howdy, Kemosabe."
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The firemen do not say a word.
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But you know they went home
to their wives and were like:
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"The fucking Kroll kid
shat his fucking gi."
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So what I'm trying to tell you is:
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I walked into karate that night
a white belt,
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but I left a brown belt.
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Thank you.
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I really am a late bloomer.
It took me a while to do a lot of things.
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Like the first time I said: "I love you."
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Does anyone here remember the first time
they said "I love you" to someone?
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And not like, you know, a family member
or like a gorgeous plate of chicken parm.
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Do you remember?
You can shout out how old your were
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the first time you said
"I love you" to someone.
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Thirteen. Eighteen.
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I was thirty-two.
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Does anyone here remember the first time
they had their heart broken?
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Thirteen. Sixteen.
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I was thirty-three.
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That means that the first woman
I said "I love you" to
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was also the first woman
to break my heart.
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And she fucking got me good!
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This was like ten years ago.
Her name was Kate.
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And she was like the kind of woman
that I'd always thought
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I could never get.
She was beautiful and funny.
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And smart.
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She was the kind of girl that I always
had a crush on in high school.
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But we were just friends, you know.
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I don't know if that kind of dynamic
is familiar to people
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who come to comedy shows.
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But you know that thing,
where you're like…
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You're friends,
and one person likes the other person.
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And the tension just builds,
until someone's like:
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"Jocelyn, can I speak to you tonight?"
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"Boy, this is gonna end well."
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Then I'd go to a party
and get kinda drunk and be like:
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"Jocelyn, as I mentioned earlier today,
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I wanted the opportunity
to speak with you
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and let you know
that I value our friendship so much.
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But I also need you to know
how often I jerk off to you."
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And she'd be like:
"Oh, Nicky, that is so sweet.
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But I think we're just better as friends."
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And I'd be like: "Yeah, that was
the outcome I was hoping for."
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And then she would go outside
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and give a hand job to a lacrosse player
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with multiple concussions
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at a party at my house.
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Okay?
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But now I'm 32,
and I've met this woman, Kate.
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And we are in love.
We're talking about moving in together.
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We're having those conversations you have
when you think you're with your person.
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You know, you're like…
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"Well, if we even had a kid…"
Like, you know.
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"What would we even name it?", you know?
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And I was like: "Kilometer.
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Kilometer Kroll. It's a strong name."
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Cause like, I'm a huge Miles Davis fan.
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But I'm, like, an even bigger fan
of the metric system.
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So we were really,
we were in it, and uh…
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She gets a gig in New York,
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and we have a wedding in New York,
and I fly to meet her at the wedding,
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and then we're gonna have this,
like, really romantic weekend together.
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And we go to the wedding.
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I don't know if you've ever been to a
wedding with the person that you're dating
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and you're watching the wedding
being like: "Is this like what we'd…?"
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00:12:04,267 --> 00:12:06,352
"I mean, I guess this little
ring-bearer girl is cute,
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but we would have like a dachshund
in a white tuxedo hold the rings, right?"
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And I'm watching the vows,
and I'm just bawling.
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And then I look over at her,
and she's crying a lot less.
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We go home after the wedding,
and she's like:
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"Nick, we have to talk." And I'm like:
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"About what? The future?"
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And she's like: "Sort of."
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And I'm like: "What's going on?"
She's like: "I think we should break up."
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And I'm like:
"What? What do you mean? We're great."
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She's like:
"No, Nick. We've been talking about this."
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00:12:42,597 --> 00:12:44,973
And I'm like:
"We have not been talking about this!"
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And she's like: "Well, I've been
talking about it with my friends."
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00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:51,103
And when you're getting dumped,
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00:12:51,188 --> 00:12:55,442
you realize you are
the last person to find out
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00:12:55,527 --> 00:12:57,693
that you're getting broken up with.
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This person has focus grouped all of this.
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00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:04,618
They have workshopped the material,
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00:13:04,702 --> 00:13:08,538
and now they are presenting you
with their findings.
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00:13:09,665 --> 00:13:12,583
Which is that you ain't shit, bitch.
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00:13:16,047 --> 00:13:18,923
So I'm like: "Let's talk about this."
She's like: "Nick, I've told you before.
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00:13:19,007 --> 00:13:20,758
I never wanna get married."
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I was like:
"We don't have to get married!
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00:13:23,053 --> 00:13:26,138
We can be one of those couples
that's just like together,
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00:13:26,223 --> 00:13:29,393
and everyone's like:
'What's their fucking deal?
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00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:35,065
Do they not want insurance?" Like…
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So I just start, like, pleading.
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I'm like: "Please."
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Which was not an effective method,
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00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:51,873
because I know that part of the reason
she wanted to break up with me is
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00:13:51,957 --> 00:13:54,002
that she didn't, like,
find me masculine enough.
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00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:58,088
She wanted a guy with sleeves of tattoos
who could drive stick,
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00:13:58,172 --> 00:14:00,340
who could ride a motorcycle…
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00:14:00,423 --> 00:14:04,093
And I'm just never gonna be the guy
who rides a motorcycle.
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00:14:04,178 --> 00:14:06,305
If I were, I'd be the guy
at the back of the pack, who's like:
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00:14:06,388 --> 00:14:09,267
"Oh no, I'm gonna miss the light.
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00:14:09,933 --> 00:14:13,603
Aww, I'm gonna get split up
from the fellas.
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00:14:15,022 --> 00:14:18,150
I was really looking forward to
rumbling through a neighborhood
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00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:20,652
and ruining people's day."
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00:14:28,493 --> 00:14:30,787
So when I'm like: "Please…"
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00:14:32,707 --> 00:14:34,373
It was not effective.
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00:14:34,458 --> 00:14:36,877
But I just kept poking. I was like:
"You need to give me a reason."
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00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:40,088
She's like:
"Nick, it doesn't… Nick, fine!
239
00:14:40,172 --> 00:14:42,673
I'm just not attracted to you."
240
00:14:44,635 --> 00:14:46,845
And I was like…
[imitating feeling nauseous]
241
00:14:49,182 --> 00:14:50,933
"Oh, cool. Cool…
242
00:14:51,017 --> 00:14:53,143
Okay, cool. Very cool.
243
00:14:53,227 --> 00:14:56,855
Very cool. Very cool.
244
00:14:56,938 --> 00:14:59,067
That's right. Very cool.
245
00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:01,693
Very cool thing for me to hear.
246
00:15:02,737 --> 00:15:03,947
Cool, cool.
247
00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:06,823
Hey, how about you give me
248
00:15:06,907 --> 00:15:09,743
literally any other reason why
249
00:15:11,287 --> 00:15:12,828
you wanna break up?"
250
00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:14,665
Like, she could have been like:
"I wanna break up."
251
00:15:14,748 --> 00:15:17,208
And I'm like: "Why?"
She's like: "Because I'm in al-Qaeda."
252
00:15:19,795 --> 00:15:23,048
I'd be like: "I get that.
That's gonna be a major time commitment.
253
00:15:24,717 --> 00:15:26,385
You do you, okay."
254
00:15:29,222 --> 00:15:32,558
"I'm just not attracted to you"
fucking slayed me.
255
00:15:32,642 --> 00:15:35,060
So finally like three in the morning
she's like:
256
00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:37,103
"Nick, I gotta go to sleep."
257
00:15:37,187 --> 00:15:40,357
And so, I pack up all my stuff
258
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:45,320
and I give her one last kiss goodbye
and smell her like a fucking psychopath.
259
00:15:50,827 --> 00:15:52,953
And then I leave her apartment.
260
00:15:53,037 --> 00:15:54,830
Walk out into the hallway.
261
00:15:56,248 --> 00:15:58,417
With my little "rolley" suitcase.
262
00:15:59,877 --> 00:16:03,838
Like a contestant on The Apprentice
that's just been fired.
263
00:16:06,842 --> 00:16:10,137
And I go down to the street.
New York City at three in the morning.
264
00:16:11,263 --> 00:16:13,515
And I've just lost the love of my life.
265
00:16:14,850 --> 00:16:16,560
And I've nowhere to stay.
266
00:16:17,895 --> 00:16:19,730
And I just start bawling.
267
00:16:21,232 --> 00:16:23,108
Yeah.
268
00:16:23,192 --> 00:16:26,445
I cry. Like, I'm a crier. I cry…
269
00:16:26,528 --> 00:16:29,198
But, like, I cry from happy stuff,
you know.
270
00:16:29,282 --> 00:16:32,577
I cry giving toasts. You know, like…
271
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:35,537
And it's one of the things that Kate
did not like about me. I'd be like:
272
00:16:35,622 --> 00:16:38,082
"Can we just quickly raise a glass?"
273
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:44,797
You know, and she'd be like:
"Ugh, fucking ride a motorcycle."
274
00:16:46,215 --> 00:16:49,302
And I'm like: "I can't, because even if
I am safe and I wear a helmet,
275
00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:52,095
I can't trust the other drivers
on the road…"
276
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,977
I cry watching Lowe's commercials,
you know.
277
00:16:59,062 --> 00:17:02,105
You know those commercials
where the dad buys all the fixings
278
00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:03,648
for a basketball hoop?
279
00:17:03,732 --> 00:17:06,568
You know, like, the lumber
and the mashed potatoes.
280
00:17:06,652 --> 00:17:07,903
All the fixings.
281
00:17:08,903 --> 00:17:10,863
Then he puts it up in the driveway.
282
00:17:10,948 --> 00:17:14,577
And he's teaching his ten-year-old son,
like, how to shoot free throws, you know.
283
00:17:16,953 --> 00:17:19,873
And then you cut to ten years later,
and now that son is playing
284
00:17:19,957 --> 00:17:22,417
in the national championship game.
285
00:17:22,502 --> 00:17:25,753
And he's wearing a non-branded jersey
286
00:17:25,837 --> 00:17:27,338
that says, like, "State."
287
00:17:28,757 --> 00:17:32,593
And the other team is like
"University of College."
288
00:17:32,678 --> 00:17:35,973
And he gets fouled,
and there's one second left on the clock.
289
00:17:36,057 --> 00:17:38,225
And now he's at the free throw line.
290
00:17:39,393 --> 00:17:42,855
And he hits the winning free throw,
and the crowd goes wild.
291
00:17:42,938 --> 00:17:45,983
And he looks up at his dad, and he's like:
292
00:17:46,067 --> 00:17:48,818
"Thank you for building
this basketball hoop.
293
00:17:50,028 --> 00:17:53,073
And thank you for shopping at Lowe's."
294
00:17:54,908 --> 00:17:57,578
And the dad looks down at him,
and he's like:
295
00:17:58,828 --> 00:18:00,413
"I love you,
296
00:18:00,497 --> 00:18:03,458
and I love shopping at Lowe's.
297
00:18:03,542 --> 00:18:05,335
And I love this man."
298
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:08,422
And he's now with an older black man,
and I'm like:
299
00:18:08,505 --> 00:18:12,177
"Oh my God,
look at this modern American family!"
300
00:18:16,888 --> 00:18:18,390
That'll make me cry.
301
00:18:20,392 --> 00:18:22,895
Getting dumped got me good, man.
302
00:18:23,020 --> 00:18:25,857
"I'm just not attracted to you."
[exhausted noise]
303
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:27,983
But when Kate said that to me,
304
00:18:28,067 --> 00:18:31,612
I was like: "That is so… fair.
305
00:18:33,947 --> 00:18:36,742
I'm a fucking gargoyle." You know?
306
00:18:37,952 --> 00:18:41,788
I mean, does anyone here look in the
mirror and feel good about what they see?
307
00:18:43,373 --> 00:18:45,375
"Yeah!" There's usually, like, one guy
308
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:46,752
and Lizzo.
309
00:18:51,923 --> 00:18:53,217
You know…
310
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:57,053
And I get it with Lizzo. She plays
the flute. It's very sexy. It's cool.
311
00:18:58,847 --> 00:19:02,267
But who's that guy, I mean…?
You know those guys, that are just like…
312
00:19:10,233 --> 00:19:13,112
Like the sun is always in their eyes,
you know, like…
313
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:18,658
Always, like, touching their chests,
you know.
314
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:28,627
I'm like, what is his morning like?
315
00:19:29,712 --> 00:19:32,422
You know what I mean? Does he just look
in the mirror, and he's just like…
316
00:19:33,757 --> 00:19:35,217
"Fucking nailed it.
317
00:19:38,137 --> 00:19:40,472
Alright, let's start the day, Jake."
318
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:46,437
That is not what my morning is like, okay?
319
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:49,815
I do everything in my power
to be as attractive as possible.
320
00:19:49,898 --> 00:19:54,318
And tonight that's to look like one of
Christopher from The Sopranos' friends.
321
00:19:55,487 --> 00:19:56,822
You know…
322
00:19:56,905 --> 00:20:01,118
"Hey, Chris. We're you gonna talk
to your uncle Tony for me?"
323
00:20:02,493 --> 00:20:05,663
I do everything in my power,
and then I look in the mirror,
324
00:20:05,747 --> 00:20:08,500
and the voice that I hear,
when I look in the mirror
325
00:20:08,583 --> 00:20:10,543
is like an English bully.
326
00:20:11,420 --> 00:20:12,503
You know, he's just like:
327
00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:13,882
[British accent] "Look at you.
328
00:20:15,673 --> 00:20:17,552
You fat fucking iguana."
329
00:20:19,803 --> 00:20:24,142
The voice I hear might be
British action star Jason Statham.
330
00:20:26,227 --> 00:20:29,062
[imitating Jason Statham] "Why are you
so red, when you get out the shower?"
331
00:20:30,647 --> 00:20:31,732
I'm like: "'Cause I have eczema."
332
00:20:31,815 --> 00:20:34,108
"Yeah, you got eczemas, don't you?
333
00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:37,613
And what makes the eczema flare up?"
334
00:20:39,032 --> 00:20:39,865
"Dairy."
335
00:20:39,948 --> 00:20:42,910
"And you're still eating
lots of ice creams, aren't you?"
336
00:20:42,993 --> 00:20:45,287
"Yeah." "And tree nuts?"
337
00:20:45,370 --> 00:20:46,788
"Yeah, I'm not supposed to eat cashews."
338
00:20:46,872 --> 00:20:49,792
"Yeah, you're not supposed
to eat cashews, are you?"
339
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:52,712
"What are you gonna do about it?"
340
00:20:52,793 --> 00:20:55,588
"I guess I should go…"
"Yeah, you gonna go down to the chemist?"
341
00:20:55,672 --> 00:20:58,800
"We call it a pharmacy."
"Yeah, I bet you fucking do."
342
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:07,183
"You go down to the pharmacy
and get your fragrance-free moisturizers
343
00:21:07,267 --> 00:21:11,230
and get your jumbo pack
of children's melatonin."
344
00:21:12,813 --> 00:21:13,773
"'Cause the regular…"
345
00:21:13,857 --> 00:21:17,612
"Yeah, 'cause the regular stuff makes you
groggy in the morning, doesn't it?
346
00:21:19,028 --> 00:21:21,615
And then you walk out of the pharmacy,
and what did you…?"
347
00:21:21,698 --> 00:21:22,992
"I forgot my eczema…"
348
00:21:23,075 --> 00:21:25,662
"Yeah, you forgot your eczema creams!
349
00:21:27,078 --> 00:21:29,373
So why don't you get the fuck outta there,
350
00:21:29,457 --> 00:21:33,627
you fat, forgetful, amphibious,
red, rashy,
351
00:21:33,710 --> 00:21:37,840
pathetic, semitic fucking nobody."
352
00:21:44,053 --> 00:21:46,057
And then I look in the mirror,
and I'm like:
353
00:21:46,138 --> 00:21:47,392
"Let's start the day."
354
00:21:58,193 --> 00:21:59,528
It's hard to start the day.
355
00:22:00,903 --> 00:22:02,322
Right now. In general.
356
00:22:02,407 --> 00:22:04,117
You know what makes it easier, is…
357
00:22:04,198 --> 00:22:07,368
When I wake up in the morning, I think:
"Maybe I'll learn something new today."
358
00:22:07,452 --> 00:22:08,997
You know? It's always exciting.
359
00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:13,125
I just learned… Okay, this is crazy.
360
00:22:13,208 --> 00:22:16,337
This is… Okay, everyone shut up.
361
00:22:16,420 --> 00:22:17,253
This is crazy.
362
00:22:17,337 --> 00:22:18,838
Did you guys know… Okay, shut up.
363
00:22:18,922 --> 00:22:23,302
Did you guys know that if,
when you need to fart,
364
00:22:23,385 --> 00:22:26,263
if you pull your butt cheek to the side,
365
00:22:26,347 --> 00:22:28,848
the fart doesn't make a noise?
366
00:22:32,352 --> 00:22:33,937
Did…
367
00:22:34,022 --> 00:22:37,148
Did… All the women knew. Did…
368
00:22:39,943 --> 00:22:42,403
It's a fucking game changer.
369
00:22:45,532 --> 00:22:47,283
[imitating quiet fart noise]
370
00:22:49,287 --> 00:22:51,955
What did I think
was making the fart noise,
371
00:22:52,038 --> 00:22:56,418
if it wasn't my little butt-cheeks
vibrating back and forth, like:
372
00:22:56,502 --> 00:22:59,338
[imitating farting noises]
373
00:22:59,422 --> 00:23:01,548
Did I think there was a little
trumpeter in my butt?
374
00:23:01,632 --> 00:23:03,467
Like a little Miles Davis, just like…
375
00:23:04,510 --> 00:23:07,262
[imitating trumpet sounds]
376
00:23:07,347 --> 00:23:09,640
A little Freddie Fartloader.
What did I think?
377
00:23:11,558 --> 00:23:14,770
You can stay at a party
for an extra two hours.
378
00:23:18,398 --> 00:23:22,862
For real. Go to a party, be like: "Hey.
I'll be just one sec. I'm just gonna…"
379
00:23:41,797 --> 00:23:43,007
[imitating quiet fart noise]
380
00:23:43,090 --> 00:23:46,635
And then you, like, try to run
to lose the fart's trail.
381
00:23:49,513 --> 00:23:52,140
"Oh, I don't, yeah, I don't know
what that smell is, man.
382
00:23:53,183 --> 00:23:55,687
Maybe somebody scrambling eggs, or…
383
00:23:56,645 --> 00:23:59,188
A mouse died in the wall? I…
384
00:24:00,482 --> 00:24:03,193
All I know is, I didn't hear anything."
385
00:24:11,410 --> 00:24:13,162
We don't like to admit
when we need to fart.
386
00:24:13,245 --> 00:24:15,582
We don't like to admit
when anything's wrong with our stomach.
387
00:24:15,663 --> 00:24:17,457
Nobody is ever like: "I have diarrhea."
388
00:24:18,958 --> 00:24:19,960
You know what I mean?
389
00:24:20,043 --> 00:24:22,963
They're always like:
"My stomach's a little off.
390
00:24:24,507 --> 00:24:27,133
I'm having some stomach stuff."
391
00:24:28,887 --> 00:24:30,888
It's like: "Bro, you got diarrhea."
392
00:24:35,933 --> 00:24:37,437
Nobody wants to admit it.
393
00:24:37,518 --> 00:24:40,480
And then it sneaks up on you.
You know what I mean? Like…
394
00:24:40,563 --> 00:24:43,525
I was at a breakfast meeting,
and I had two cups of coffee,
395
00:24:43,608 --> 00:24:45,652
and then a fruit smoothie.
396
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:53,118
And I excuse myself
from the gentlemen I'm with.
397
00:24:53,202 --> 00:24:54,203
I'm like…
398
00:24:57,038 --> 00:24:58,540
"If you'll excuse me."
399
00:25:02,502 --> 00:25:07,048
I get in my car.
I'm ten minutes from my house.
400
00:25:07,132 --> 00:25:08,675
I start driving.
401
00:25:08,758 --> 00:25:11,887
And all of a sudden
the hairs on my arms start to rise.
402
00:25:13,055 --> 00:25:15,848
I get the shivers, you know.
You're just like, "Ooh…"
403
00:25:21,147 --> 00:25:23,857
Driving doing like butt Lamaze.
You know, like,
404
00:25:23,942 --> 00:25:25,943
"Ooooh…"
405
00:25:30,822 --> 00:25:33,533
I pull up in front of my house.
I'm not yet parked.
406
00:25:33,617 --> 00:25:35,912
And I'm like: "I'm not gonna make it!
407
00:25:37,622 --> 00:25:39,540
Am I gonna make it?"
408
00:25:39,623 --> 00:25:41,875
And Statham's like: "No."
409
00:25:44,670 --> 00:25:47,798
And I'm like:
"Please don't make me this person!
410
00:25:50,008 --> 00:25:52,010
I don't wanna be this person!"
411
00:25:52,093 --> 00:25:54,805
And then… You know in New Orleans?
412
00:25:55,848 --> 00:25:58,100
Like, right before the levees burst.
413
00:25:59,685 --> 00:26:03,272
They're like: "What if we let,
like, a little bit of water
414
00:26:03,355 --> 00:26:06,483
through the levees?
Maybe that'll save the city."
415
00:26:08,277 --> 00:26:11,822
So I let like a Hershey's Kiss
through the levees.
416
00:26:14,533 --> 00:26:16,743
And I'm like: "Is that enough?"
417
00:26:18,203 --> 00:26:21,123
And Statham's like: "No, I want it all."
418
00:26:22,708 --> 00:26:26,628
And I'm like:
"Please, don't make me this person!"
419
00:26:26,712 --> 00:26:29,007
And then I just fill my underwear
420
00:26:30,507 --> 00:26:33,427
with a travel size pillow
worth of brisket.
421
00:26:38,515 --> 00:26:41,018
Enjoy that
the next time you have barbecue.
422
00:26:43,020 --> 00:26:48,150
And then I'm like: "Is that enough?"
And Statham's like: "Yeah, we're good."
423
00:26:48,233 --> 00:26:49,610
I'm still not parked.
424
00:26:50,987 --> 00:26:52,487
I'm gripping the wheel.
425
00:26:52,572 --> 00:26:55,823
My legs are shaking
like a rescue chihuahua.
426
00:26:59,037 --> 00:27:02,873
I finally get out of my car
and waddle inside.
427
00:27:04,123 --> 00:27:06,502
Like Charlie Chaplin, just like…
428
00:27:08,253 --> 00:27:10,507
Get up. Burn my clothing.
429
00:27:12,342 --> 00:27:13,927
Take a shower.
430
00:27:14,008 --> 00:27:16,803
And then a four-hour shame nap.
431
00:27:18,555 --> 00:27:22,808
Wake up, get on a plane,
and come here to Washington D.C.
432
00:27:22,893 --> 00:27:24,812
[audience cheering]
433
00:27:37,073 --> 00:27:40,368
Go ahead. You feel the hair
on your arms starting to rise?
434
00:27:51,838 --> 00:27:55,677
So, everything about that is true,
except for the last part.
435
00:27:56,927 --> 00:27:59,597
I did fully shit my pants in a Prius.
436
00:28:01,932 --> 00:28:03,267
But that last part…
437
00:28:03,350 --> 00:28:05,518
The truth is,
that happened nine years ago.
438
00:28:05,602 --> 00:28:09,648
That was the year after
Kate had dumped me.
439
00:28:09,732 --> 00:28:12,985
And the woman who said
that she never wanted to get married
440
00:28:13,068 --> 00:28:16,363
was now engaged to another man.
441
00:28:16,447 --> 00:28:17,990
And I'm sitting in my car
with a pant-load
442
00:28:18,073 --> 00:28:21,410
being like:
"Why did she break up with me?"
443
00:28:30,502 --> 00:28:32,003
Fuck.
444
00:28:32,087 --> 00:28:34,257
I felt like a kid, you know.
445
00:28:34,338 --> 00:28:36,133
But I always have felt
a little bit like a kid,
446
00:28:36,217 --> 00:28:40,095
'cause I'm the youngest in my family.
I'm the baby in my family.
447
00:28:40,178 --> 00:28:41,472
Yeah.
448
00:28:41,555 --> 00:28:43,348
"Nick's the baby."
449
00:28:44,933 --> 00:28:47,227
"Nicky's the…" No, Nick. You're 44.
450
00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:52,148
And you've never gotten a present
for a single person in your family.
451
00:28:54,818 --> 00:28:55,903
Okay?
452
00:28:57,487 --> 00:29:01,033
I put a lot on birth order. I think that's
how I ended up becoming a performer.
453
00:29:01,117 --> 00:29:02,577
Because I'm the baby in my family.
454
00:29:02,658 --> 00:29:04,995
Who here is the oldest in their family?
455
00:29:05,078 --> 00:29:06,663
Yeah.
456
00:29:06,747 --> 00:29:09,667
Raising your hands
like good boys and girls.
457
00:29:11,293 --> 00:29:12,212
Yeah…
458
00:29:12,293 --> 00:29:15,380
"Yes, and I bear the weight
of my birthright…"
459
00:29:17,298 --> 00:29:19,092
You guys are like Vin Diesel.
460
00:29:20,552 --> 00:29:23,555
You think you're the star of the movie.
461
00:29:23,638 --> 00:29:26,308
And then all of a sudden
they keep adding cast members,
462
00:29:26,390 --> 00:29:30,312
and you're like: "I didn't realize
this was an ensemble." You know?
463
00:29:31,813 --> 00:29:33,357
I think it's really hard being the oldest.
464
00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:36,402
'Cause you have to be the trailblazer.
You have to be the one
465
00:29:36,485 --> 00:29:38,653
who figures everything out yourself.
466
00:29:38,737 --> 00:29:42,783
And then you have to take care
of your siblings, like… My brother,
467
00:29:42,867 --> 00:29:46,578
he taught himself to drive stick
when he turned 16.
468
00:29:46,662 --> 00:29:49,832
When I turned 16,
he tried to teach me to drive stick,
469
00:29:49,915 --> 00:29:52,042
and I was like: "This is hard.
470
00:29:53,918 --> 00:29:55,837
I can't charm a clutch. You know?"
471
00:29:57,798 --> 00:30:00,383
Bye, gotta go somewhere else."
472
00:30:01,593 --> 00:30:05,263
My brother showed me every movie
that was influential.
473
00:30:05,347 --> 00:30:08,725
He'd shown me every Mel Brooks movie
by the time I was ten years old.
474
00:30:08,808 --> 00:30:09,685
He also… Yes.
475
00:30:09,768 --> 00:30:12,897
He also showed me The Exorcist
when I was five.
476
00:30:14,357 --> 00:30:19,487
So anytime I see a girl
whose head turns around 360 degrees,
477
00:30:19,570 --> 00:30:21,780
I'm, like, triggered.
478
00:30:25,952 --> 00:30:28,620
Do we have any youngest
in the crowd tonight?
479
00:30:31,123 --> 00:30:33,667
"Everybody wants to talk to me!
480
00:30:35,293 --> 00:30:37,422
I'm whimsical!
481
00:30:39,298 --> 00:30:43,468
I've abandoned three different dogs
at Mom and Dad's house."
482
00:30:51,477 --> 00:30:54,855
And if you're a middle child…
Nobody cares, shut up.
483
00:30:54,938 --> 00:30:56,482
Shut up. Nobody cares.
484
00:30:58,692 --> 00:31:01,445
You knew that already, right?
You knew that.
485
00:31:01,528 --> 00:31:03,155
That's why you choose a partner
who's like:
486
00:31:03,238 --> 00:31:05,407
"Your family's fucked up."
And you're like: "I know!
487
00:31:05,490 --> 00:31:08,243
That's why we are the team, right?"
488
00:31:13,998 --> 00:31:17,168
Do we have any only children
in the crowd tonight? "Yeah!"
489
00:31:18,212 --> 00:31:20,923
Did you come with your fucking parents?
490
00:31:26,345 --> 00:31:28,222
"My parents are my friends."
491
00:31:30,140 --> 00:31:32,267
"And my friends are my family."
492
00:31:35,938 --> 00:31:37,940
Anyone here have an old-ass dad?
493
00:31:38,815 --> 00:31:41,402
Yeah? How old was your dad,
when you were born?
494
00:31:41,485 --> 00:31:43,862
[woman] I don't know,
but he's pushing 60 now.
495
00:31:43,947 --> 00:31:46,198
He's pushing 60 now?
And how old are you?
496
00:31:46,282 --> 00:31:47,157
[woman] Twenty-one.
497
00:31:47,242 --> 00:31:50,285
You're 21. Okay, so he was like forties,
early forties?
498
00:31:50,368 --> 00:31:53,080
That's actually a very young age
to have a child.
499
00:31:53,163 --> 00:31:55,623
It's actually a very good age
to have a child, actually.
500
00:31:55,707 --> 00:31:58,752
It means he was ready.
It actually means he was ready.
501
00:31:59,920 --> 00:32:04,383
It is funny when you're like:
"So we finally met Caleb's father."
502
00:32:04,467 --> 00:32:07,387
He's a hundred and three."
503
00:32:07,470 --> 00:32:08,637
And some guy rolls in. He's like:
504
00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:11,888
[old man voice]
"I'm here to pick up my son, Caleb.
505
00:32:12,767 --> 00:32:15,812
I'm wearing True Religion jeans.
506
00:32:17,728 --> 00:32:19,232
I have no butt."
507
00:32:19,313 --> 00:32:25,028
You know how old men get so old,
they, like, lose their butt, you know?
508
00:32:26,322 --> 00:32:29,658
"I poop out of the bottom of my back."
509
00:32:36,038 --> 00:32:38,375
I am the youngest of four.
510
00:32:38,458 --> 00:32:41,212
All three of my siblings
have four children.
511
00:32:41,295 --> 00:32:43,505
So I have 12 nieces and nephews.
512
00:32:43,588 --> 00:32:46,800
And I've always very much
been like "Uncle Nick."
513
00:32:46,883 --> 00:32:49,970
As in: "You know,
Uncle Nick has eczema too."
514
00:32:52,182 --> 00:32:55,017
And I'm like: "That's right, buddy.
Uncle Nick has eczema.
515
00:32:55,100 --> 00:32:58,187
That's why he wears
a special cream on his fingies,
516
00:32:58,270 --> 00:33:00,938
so they don't dry up
and look like witch dicks."
517
00:33:03,525 --> 00:33:05,068
I really do wear a steroid cr--
518
00:33:05,152 --> 00:33:08,405
Like, if anyone was ever like:
"That's the level of man I am."
519
00:33:08,488 --> 00:33:10,617
If someone's like:
"Have you ever done steroids before?"
520
00:33:10,698 --> 00:33:13,452
And I'd be like: "Yeah. Yes.
521
00:33:14,453 --> 00:33:18,498
The topical var… It's called clobetasol.
Are you familiar with it?
522
00:33:18,582 --> 00:33:22,337
I'm supposed to lather myself in it,
when I get out of the shower,
523
00:33:22,418 --> 00:33:25,005
so that I'm slippery,
when I get out of the shower,
524
00:33:25,088 --> 00:33:26,590
almost like a seal, you know?"
525
00:33:26,673 --> 00:33:28,592
[imitating seal barking]
526
00:33:29,718 --> 00:33:32,972
"So are you having fun
on the date so far?"
527
00:33:36,725 --> 00:33:40,187
I think part of being the youngest is,
you're always trying to catch up.
528
00:33:40,270 --> 00:33:42,563
You're always comparing yourself
to your older siblings.
529
00:33:42,648 --> 00:33:44,107
You always wanna seem older.
530
00:33:44,192 --> 00:33:47,362
So I started smoking,
when I was pretty young.
531
00:33:47,443 --> 00:33:50,532
And I loved it.
I was so good at smoking.
532
00:33:50,613 --> 00:33:54,785
I could blow rings. I could do
everything cool about smoking.
533
00:33:54,868 --> 00:33:56,745
I could blow rings…
534
00:33:58,957 --> 00:34:01,750
But I was like:
"I gotta quit, but I can't."
535
00:34:01,833 --> 00:34:04,628
'Cause I felt sexy, when I smoked.
I felt like a Jake.
536
00:34:04,712 --> 00:34:06,088
You know what I mean?
537
00:34:06,172 --> 00:34:07,673
Like, I'd be like…
538
00:34:11,052 --> 00:34:13,678
"So, like, I'm not an asshole,
I'm just shy."
539
00:34:17,892 --> 00:34:21,312
That was never my game,
I was always like: "I like you!
540
00:34:22,980 --> 00:34:24,815
No games!
541
00:34:24,898 --> 00:34:30,152
We'll dance, we'll laugh,
your parents will find me charming."
542
00:34:34,657 --> 00:34:35,533
[in "cool guy" voice]
543
00:34:35,617 --> 00:34:39,787
"I feel like, if I fucked your friend,
it would bring us closer together."
544
00:34:42,038 --> 00:34:43,748
[in "uncool guy" voice]
545
00:34:43,832 --> 00:34:50,590
"I'll never look at another girl!
I'll pop my eyeballs out for you!"
546
00:34:54,553 --> 00:34:56,555
"I'm sorry,
I couldn't make it to your mom's funeral,
547
00:34:56,638 --> 00:34:58,765
but Incubus was in town."
548
00:35:08,775 --> 00:35:13,613
I was like: "I gotta quit smoking."
I felt so weak, you know.
549
00:35:13,697 --> 00:35:16,158
I tried going cold turkey,
550
00:35:16,242 --> 00:35:18,410
but then I just ate the turkey.
551
00:35:21,122 --> 00:35:23,707
I'm a naughty little pun boy.
552
00:35:29,630 --> 00:35:32,048
I tried vaping,
but vaping is embarrassing.
553
00:35:33,383 --> 00:35:36,303
When you watch someone vape, they look
embarrassed while they're doing it.
554
00:35:36,387 --> 00:35:37,930
They're just like…
555
00:35:43,393 --> 00:35:46,772
It's like: "Bro, we see you
sucking on that little robot dick."
556
00:35:50,192 --> 00:35:52,528
It's like they've forgotten
about the second half of vaping,
557
00:35:52,612 --> 00:35:56,865
where they're gonna blow out
the world's largest plume of smoke.
558
00:35:56,948 --> 00:35:58,450
You know, they're just like:
559
00:35:58,533 --> 00:36:00,452
[imitating explosion sound]
560
00:36:00,993 --> 00:36:04,288
You know, like: "Wow!
Is that boy with the neck tattoo
561
00:36:04,373 --> 00:36:07,292
a dragon that breathes hazelnut?"
562
00:36:12,588 --> 00:36:15,717
Finally, I was desperate to quit.
And I couldn't figure it out.
563
00:36:15,802 --> 00:36:19,428
And so I finally went
and I got hypnotized.
564
00:36:21,348 --> 00:36:22,975
Fuck all of you.
565
00:36:24,685 --> 00:36:26,103
Okay?
566
00:36:26,187 --> 00:36:30,232
I went to a weird man's garage in Malibu.
567
00:36:30,315 --> 00:36:32,818
You know those beach-town men,
that are so tanned,
568
00:36:32,902 --> 00:36:36,072
they're like the color
of a beautiful basketball?
569
00:36:39,448 --> 00:36:43,495
He had a gorgeous, beautiful,
sweeping toupee.
570
00:36:44,663 --> 00:36:48,667
And I get to his weird
hoarder's garage in Malibu,
571
00:36:48,750 --> 00:36:51,087
and it's filled
with old People magazines
572
00:36:51,168 --> 00:36:55,048
and a sun-faded article
about Katherine Heigl.
573
00:36:56,383 --> 00:37:01,013
So either, this guy had helped
Katherine Heigl quit smoking,
574
00:37:01,097 --> 00:37:04,267
or he had murdered Katherine Heigl.
575
00:37:05,308 --> 00:37:09,730
So, I don't know what happened.
I sat down in a weird La-Z-Boy,
576
00:37:09,813 --> 00:37:12,942
and he asked me rhetorical questions.
He was like:
577
00:37:13,025 --> 00:37:15,612
"So Nick, would you give a toddler a gun?"
578
00:37:15,693 --> 00:37:17,070
And I'm like: "I don't know the toddler.
579
00:37:17,153 --> 00:37:19,448
Has anyone done
a background check on him?"
580
00:37:20,532 --> 00:37:22,202
And then he hypnotized me.
581
00:37:22,283 --> 00:37:26,455
I don't know what he said to me.
I don't know what he did to me.
582
00:37:26,538 --> 00:37:31,210
All I know is that I woke up
after an hour in his dirty garage,
583
00:37:31,293 --> 00:37:33,587
and I walked out of the room,
584
00:37:33,670 --> 00:37:36,382
and I have not smoked a cigarette since.
585
00:37:37,548 --> 00:37:38,550
Thank you.
586
00:37:39,718 --> 00:37:42,053
Thank you. Thank you.
587
00:37:43,513 --> 00:37:46,933
But every time is see a toddler,
I give him a gun.
588
00:37:51,772 --> 00:37:55,902
So I got hypnotized
in my early thirties for cigarettes.
589
00:37:55,983 --> 00:37:58,612
I then got hypnotized again
in my early forties
590
00:37:58,695 --> 00:38:01,198
for a much cooler reason, you guys.
591
00:38:01,282 --> 00:38:03,952
I got hypnotized because I
592
00:38:04,033 --> 00:38:06,745
am addicted to snacks.
593
00:38:08,580 --> 00:38:11,083
I love snacks!
594
00:38:14,418 --> 00:38:15,797
Snacks, snacks…
595
00:38:16,922 --> 00:38:19,967
I love snacks. I love snacks so much,
all I wanna do
596
00:38:20,050 --> 00:38:22,803
is eat salt and vinnies.
597
00:38:22,887 --> 00:38:24,303
In the back of that mouth.
598
00:38:24,388 --> 00:38:28,977
I want Sour Patch Kids, I want cookies,
I want peanut-butter pretzels!
599
00:38:29,058 --> 00:38:33,230
I want candy! Candy! I want candy bars.
600
00:38:33,313 --> 00:38:36,733
Do you guys know that the only
corporate tie-in I have ever done,
601
00:38:36,817 --> 00:38:39,193
is with the Take 5 candy bar?
602
00:38:40,487 --> 00:38:42,948
Do you guys understand what that means?
603
00:38:43,032 --> 00:38:46,993
That means that
the only corporation that I felt was
604
00:38:47,077 --> 00:38:49,872
"fully aligned with my values"
605
00:38:51,790 --> 00:38:55,168
was the Take 5 candy bar.
606
00:38:55,252 --> 00:38:57,297
Because my values
607
00:38:57,378 --> 00:39:02,843
are peanuts, peanut butter, chocolate,
caramel, and pretzels. What?
608
00:39:03,760 --> 00:39:06,222
Crunchy, salty, smoochy, mushy…
609
00:39:06,305 --> 00:39:09,473
I was like: "Don't give me money,
just pay me in Take 5s."
610
00:39:09,558 --> 00:39:12,518
I literally, I walk into my kitchen,
I open the pantry, and I'm just like:
611
00:39:12,603 --> 00:39:16,148
"Snack attack!"
I just wanna eat fucking snacks.
612
00:39:16,232 --> 00:39:19,777
And I was like:
"I gotta stop. I feel out of control."
613
00:39:19,860 --> 00:39:22,778
I have the willpower of a child,
614
00:39:22,863 --> 00:39:25,908
but I have
the financial resources of an adult.
615
00:39:27,702 --> 00:39:30,997
So I was like: "Fuck it.
I'm gonna go get hypnotized again.
616
00:39:31,078 --> 00:39:33,917
But I can't go to Katherine Heigl's
basketball murderer."
617
00:39:35,500 --> 00:39:38,420
So I hear about this woman named Danica.
618
00:39:38,503 --> 00:39:41,548
And Danica and I spoke on the phone.
619
00:39:41,632 --> 00:39:43,883
And then she hypnotized me over the phone.
620
00:39:43,967 --> 00:39:46,428
She made a recording of the hypnosis.
621
00:39:46,512 --> 00:39:48,597
Then she sent me that recording.
622
00:39:48,680 --> 00:39:51,683
And I listen to it,
when I go to sleep at night.
623
00:39:53,393 --> 00:39:56,313
Guys… We are all just doing our best.
624
00:39:59,567 --> 00:40:00,608
Okay?
625
00:40:02,237 --> 00:40:06,782
She's like: "So, Nick.
I'm going to hypnotize you.
626
00:40:06,865 --> 00:40:11,118
Counting down from ten. Three, two, one.
627
00:40:11,203 --> 00:40:13,330
You're in a deep sleep.
628
00:40:13,413 --> 00:40:16,208
So, Nick. You're watching the television.
629
00:40:16,292 --> 00:40:20,128
And on the screen comes a newscaster.
630
00:40:20,212 --> 00:40:21,463
And he says:
631
00:40:21,547 --> 00:40:26,593
'Nick! Stop it with all the snacks!'
632
00:40:28,595 --> 00:40:32,057
For, you see,
there's a sleeper cell of criminals,
633
00:40:32,140 --> 00:40:35,812
and these criminals
are going around all the factories,
634
00:40:35,893 --> 00:40:39,438
filled with the flour and the sugars,
635
00:40:39,523 --> 00:40:43,318
and they are replacing it
with crunchy rat tails
636
00:40:43,402 --> 00:40:46,447
and ground-up cockroach wings.
637
00:40:46,530 --> 00:40:50,533
And sure, when the gummy bears are there,
638
00:40:50,617 --> 00:40:53,287
that is all the ooze
639
00:40:53,370 --> 00:40:56,540
from the gooey maggot stuff."
640
00:41:00,127 --> 00:41:04,757
So for those of you who feel bad, like:
"Oh, Nick got broken up with from Kate."
641
00:41:04,840 --> 00:41:06,842
I do not sleep alone.
642
00:41:09,553 --> 00:41:11,638
I make myself a cup of tea,
643
00:41:11,722 --> 00:41:13,932
I eat half a child's melatonin,
644
00:41:15,893 --> 00:41:17,643
and then I listen to Danica
645
00:41:17,728 --> 00:41:21,690
tell me the most fucked-up
bedtime story ever.
646
00:41:25,485 --> 00:41:28,030
Now, how many of you guys
believe that story?
647
00:41:31,575 --> 00:41:33,077
All right, like three of you? All right.
648
00:41:34,828 --> 00:41:38,332
Well, then I'd like
to fucking play something for you now.
649
00:41:43,712 --> 00:41:46,215
What do you guys think
is happening here tonight?
650
00:41:46,298 --> 00:41:49,510
You guys are getting the real,
vulnerable Nicky K, folks.
651
00:41:58,143 --> 00:41:59,562
All right, Beth. Can you hit it?
652
00:41:59,687 --> 00:42:03,482
[Woman on recording] So what if those
crunchy rat tails…
653
00:42:03,565 --> 00:42:08,903
So what if there was crunchy cockroach
wings ground up in the flour and sugar?
654
00:42:08,987 --> 00:42:11,157
They didn't care.
655
00:42:11,240 --> 00:42:13,492
And of course they knew
that the slugs dragged up
656
00:42:13,575 --> 00:42:15,827
would be ground up with the sugar,
657
00:42:15,912 --> 00:42:18,205
but that meant the liquid was there,
of course.
658
00:42:18,288 --> 00:42:20,040
The gummy bears would be all nice,
659
00:42:20,123 --> 00:42:22,333
gooey slug stuff.
660
00:42:22,417 --> 00:42:24,337
[Audience cheering]
661
00:42:33,178 --> 00:42:36,932
Like I said, folks, we are all just
doing our best out there, okay?
662
00:42:39,058 --> 00:42:40,227
So…
663
00:42:41,395 --> 00:42:42,938
[Inaudible]
664
00:42:45,148 --> 00:42:46,983
Now…
665
00:42:47,067 --> 00:42:50,320
I do love my snacks.
I'm a little snack boy.
666
00:42:50,403 --> 00:42:54,367
Jake. Jake's a fuckboy, I'm more of,
like, a little snack boy, okay?
667
00:42:56,327 --> 00:42:58,953
But I do like fruits and vegetables,
like, I…
668
00:42:59,037 --> 00:43:02,792
Right now, I'd say that my favorite
vegetable is the Brussels sprout, right?
669
00:43:03,625 --> 00:43:07,922
I'd say no vegetable has made
a bigger 180 in my lifetime
670
00:43:08,005 --> 00:43:09,882
than the Brussels sprout.
671
00:43:09,965 --> 00:43:11,967
'Cause when I was a little kid,
they were boiled.
672
00:43:12,050 --> 00:43:14,303
And my mom would be like:
"Nicky, eat some Brussels sprouts."
673
00:43:14,387 --> 00:43:16,305
And I'm like:
"You want me to eat this Super Ball
674
00:43:16,388 --> 00:43:18,223
covered in fart lettuce?"
675
00:43:20,517 --> 00:43:22,393
She'd be like:
"Nicky, just eat one Brussels sprout."
676
00:43:22,477 --> 00:43:25,147
I'm like: "Hey, mom.
Why don't you eat just one dick?"
677
00:43:28,150 --> 00:43:29,818
I was so mean to my mom.
678
00:43:29,902 --> 00:43:33,447
Why, why are we so mean to our moms?
679
00:43:33,530 --> 00:43:35,823
Why am I still mean to my mom?
680
00:43:37,533 --> 00:43:40,328
You guys are like: "I'm not mean
to my mom. I love my mom."
681
00:43:40,412 --> 00:43:44,082
Okay, here's my impression
of every single one of you
682
00:43:44,167 --> 00:43:47,043
getting a phone call from your mother.
Okay, here it goes.
683
00:43:49,463 --> 00:43:50,757
"Fuck…"
684
00:43:56,053 --> 00:43:58,932
That's it. It's perfect.
It's a perfect impression.
685
00:44:00,682 --> 00:44:03,477
I have no shorter fuse
with anyone in my life,
686
00:44:03,560 --> 00:44:05,103
than I do my own mother.
687
00:44:06,688 --> 00:44:08,023
My mom could be like:
688
00:44:08,107 --> 00:44:10,275
"I'm forwarding you an article
689
00:44:11,610 --> 00:44:15,613
about the L.A. art deco movement."
And I'm like:
690
00:44:15,697 --> 00:44:17,908
[screaming] "Why would you do that, Mom?!
691
00:44:24,873 --> 00:44:28,918
You know art deco is like my
least-favorite architectural movement!"
692
00:44:36,677 --> 00:44:38,595
Meanwhile, dads get off scot-free.
693
00:44:38,678 --> 00:44:40,722
I remember my dad would call me
on the phone and be like:
694
00:44:40,807 --> 00:44:44,352
"Hey, son. Wanted to come to your
baseball game today, but then didn't."
695
00:44:47,145 --> 00:44:50,107
And I'm like: "That's okay, Daddy."
696
00:44:53,193 --> 00:44:55,028
My mom's like:
"I like that jacket on you."
697
00:44:55,112 --> 00:44:58,198
I'm like: [screaming]
"What about all my other jackets, Mom?!
698
00:45:02,202 --> 00:45:04,247
What's wrong with them, huh?
699
00:45:06,248 --> 00:45:08,583
I hate your love."
700
00:45:13,838 --> 00:45:16,967
Here's the problem with moms, is like,
701
00:45:17,050 --> 00:45:19,928
they're indispensable, you know?
702
00:45:20,012 --> 00:45:23,598
It's like Vin Diesel
and the Fast & Furious movies.
703
00:45:24,725 --> 00:45:28,270
Which, I don't know if you guys know,
but they're all about family.
704
00:45:30,938 --> 00:45:33,067
But it's like, moms are like Vin Diesel.
705
00:45:33,150 --> 00:45:34,860
"Ugh, I fucking can't stand this guy,
706
00:45:34,943 --> 00:45:38,238
but I don't think
we can do it without him."
707
00:45:43,952 --> 00:45:46,955
I think it's that
the power dynamic's off with moms.
708
00:45:47,038 --> 00:45:47,998
You know?
709
00:45:48,082 --> 00:45:50,627
And I think it's 'cause, like,
710
00:45:50,708 --> 00:45:53,795
they literally grow us inside of them.
711
00:45:55,005 --> 00:45:59,552
And we just suck
the literal life out of them.
712
00:46:00,762 --> 00:46:03,263
Just like: "Give me all your nutrients.
713
00:46:04,348 --> 00:46:07,852
Your hair is never
gonna be the same again."
714
00:46:10,353 --> 00:46:14,023
And then we just slide
out of their vaginas, and we're just like:
715
00:46:14,107 --> 00:46:15,608
"Fuck you!"
716
00:46:18,987 --> 00:46:21,615
So I've really been trying to figure out
717
00:46:21,698 --> 00:46:24,660
why are we so mean to our moms?
718
00:46:24,743 --> 00:46:27,663
And I think I've come up with the reason.
719
00:46:27,747 --> 00:46:29,957
And I think the reason is
720
00:46:30,040 --> 00:46:33,085
because they're so fucking annoying.
721
00:46:37,297 --> 00:46:39,173
Thank you. Thank you.
722
00:46:39,258 --> 00:46:41,885
And that's my TED Talk on moms.
723
00:46:45,638 --> 00:46:48,683
And maybe you're a mom
in the crowd tonight, and you're like:
724
00:46:48,767 --> 00:46:52,688
"This fucking joke.
I don't like this joke.
725
00:46:52,772 --> 00:46:55,440
I don't like this vibe."
Here's what I would ask.
726
00:46:55,523 --> 00:46:57,568
I wanna invite you into the joke.
727
00:46:57,652 --> 00:47:01,530
And I'm gonna ask you
to think about your mom for a second.
728
00:47:02,657 --> 00:47:05,450
And how fucking annoying she is.
729
00:47:07,287 --> 00:47:11,748
And then you'd be like:
"Okay, it's good. I get it. I get it."
730
00:47:11,832 --> 00:47:13,667
I mean, I think about my mom,
731
00:47:13,750 --> 00:47:16,462
and how annoyed
she was by her mother.
732
00:47:16,545 --> 00:47:20,592
My grandmother was an amazing woman,
but she was tough, you know.
733
00:47:20,673 --> 00:47:22,758
I remember coming down
for Thanksgiving one year.
734
00:47:22,843 --> 00:47:25,553
I was wearing a new sweater,
and she touched my belly and goes:
735
00:47:25,637 --> 00:47:28,807
"Well, Nick.
You're looking very prosperous."
736
00:47:28,892 --> 00:47:30,225
I was like: "Whoa!
737
00:47:31,268 --> 00:47:33,353
Getting roasted by Nana!"
738
00:47:35,772 --> 00:47:38,567
Statham's like:
"Wish I'd thought about that one."
739
00:47:42,403 --> 00:47:44,363
She was a tough woman.
740
00:47:44,448 --> 00:47:47,327
You know, she survived the Depression.
741
00:47:47,408 --> 00:47:50,162
She lost family in the Holocaust.
742
00:47:50,245 --> 00:47:54,750
She's like: "Oh, I'm sorry that you
found Georgetown exclusionary."
743
00:48:02,925 --> 00:48:04,843
Here's the thing, moms.
Here's what I will say.
744
00:48:04,927 --> 00:48:06,387
You've got no game.
745
00:48:07,553 --> 00:48:09,013
That's your issue.
746
00:48:09,097 --> 00:48:11,142
You pick up on the first ring.
747
00:48:11,225 --> 00:48:14,603
Just, like, play it a little cooler,
you know.
748
00:48:14,687 --> 00:48:17,188
You ever call your mom, and it's like,
even before it rings: "Hello?"
749
00:48:17,272 --> 00:48:20,858
And you're like: "Ugh, butt dial.
Sorry, butt dial. Forget it. I gotta go."
750
00:48:20,943 --> 00:48:25,072
Meanwhile, dads are better at that.
You know, like, my dad, honestly,
751
00:48:25,155 --> 00:48:27,742
I could call him, I don't hear back
from him for like three weeks,
752
00:48:27,823 --> 00:48:30,327
and then I'll get a text at midnight
on a Wednesday, that's like:
753
00:48:30,410 --> 00:48:31,412
"You up?"
754
00:48:33,413 --> 00:48:36,083
And I'm like: "I am for you, Daddy."
755
00:48:39,795 --> 00:48:41,755
So I am in therapy…
756
00:48:45,008 --> 00:48:46,008
Yeah.
757
00:48:48,762 --> 00:48:53,767
I am, and I think one of the most
useful things I learned in therapy was
758
00:48:53,852 --> 00:48:58,480
that you can't really fall in love, until
you can figure out how to love yourself.
759
00:48:58,563 --> 00:49:02,317
And, it takes a really long time
to figure that out.
760
00:49:03,527 --> 00:49:08,823
And, so, I finally met a woman.
Her name's Lily, and we…
761
00:49:10,952 --> 00:49:12,870
We started going on dates,
and we just hit it off.
762
00:49:12,953 --> 00:49:14,747
And we really fell in love.
763
00:49:14,830 --> 00:49:19,333
And we went on our first, like,
really romantic holiday to Italy.
764
00:49:19,418 --> 00:49:23,547
We went to the city of Bologna,
which in Italian means baloney.
765
00:49:30,512 --> 00:49:34,057
And we're having a great time,
but I was like: "I gotta step this up.
766
00:49:34,142 --> 00:49:36,143
How do you fucking step this up?"
767
00:49:36,227 --> 00:49:38,897
I was like: "Let's go rent a car.
Let's go for a drive
768
00:49:38,978 --> 00:49:40,563
through the Italian countryside."
769
00:49:40,647 --> 00:49:41,523
She's like: "Great."
770
00:49:41,607 --> 00:49:43,150
So we go to the Hertz Bologna.
771
00:49:44,402 --> 00:49:46,945
Which in Italian means:
"My pee-pee hurts."
772
00:49:49,407 --> 00:49:51,992
You can't see me behind this stool.
773
00:49:55,370 --> 00:49:57,663
So we go to the Hertz Bologna.
774
00:49:58,873 --> 00:50:00,375
We pack up the car.
775
00:50:00,458 --> 00:50:01,793
And, uh…
776
00:50:05,923 --> 00:50:07,257
Car is stick.
777
00:50:09,302 --> 00:50:11,678
And I'm like: "Babe, cool thing about me?
778
00:50:11,762 --> 00:50:14,182
Is, uh, I don't actually
really drive stick."
779
00:50:14,263 --> 00:50:18,727
And she's like: "Oh. Okay.
No problem. I'll just go tell the guy."
780
00:50:18,810 --> 00:50:23,648
So she goes inside and gets
the Hertz Bologna rental-car guy.
781
00:50:23,732 --> 00:50:25,067
And he comes out, and he's like:
782
00:50:25,150 --> 00:50:26,902
[imitating Italian accent] "Hey, no way…
783
00:50:29,655 --> 00:50:31,740
No way…
784
00:50:31,823 --> 00:50:33,742
Eh, automatico… [kissing sounds]
785
00:50:36,995 --> 00:50:38,497
…in Bologna, huh?
786
00:50:38,580 --> 00:50:40,707
No automatico in Bologna."
787
00:50:40,792 --> 00:50:43,543
And I'm like: "Okay."
And he's like: "You, eh…
788
00:50:43,627 --> 00:50:45,587
You don't have, eh…
789
00:50:46,922 --> 00:50:48,715
You don't have a stick?" And I'm like:
790
00:50:48,798 --> 00:50:51,927
"I have a stick,
I just don't know how to use it, okay?"
791
00:50:54,137 --> 00:50:58,725
And he's like: "Okay…
I got an idea. A lightbulb.
792
00:50:58,808 --> 00:51:00,562
I got an idea. How about this?
793
00:51:00,643 --> 00:51:05,273
You hire a driver. The driver, he sit
in the front seat with your girlfriend.
794
00:51:05,357 --> 00:51:06,692
They, uh…
795
00:51:06,775 --> 00:51:10,237
You sit in the back seat,
automatico, eh?
796
00:51:12,238 --> 00:51:14,658
You cuckold, eh?
797
00:51:14,742 --> 00:51:17,995
You cuckold snowflake, eh?"
798
00:51:18,997 --> 00:51:21,665
And I'm like: "Fuck you, man.
I can figure this out, okay?"
799
00:51:23,375 --> 00:51:24,585
So I look at my girlfriend,
and I'm like:
800
00:51:24,668 --> 00:51:28,755
"Babe, if you can be patient with me,
I can figure this out." She's like:
801
00:51:28,838 --> 00:51:30,298
"I got you." So…
802
00:51:32,843 --> 00:51:36,388
I don't know if you guys
have ever driven stick, but…
803
00:51:36,472 --> 00:51:38,015
There's three pedals.
804
00:51:39,767 --> 00:51:42,477
Including one called "the clutch."
805
00:51:42,562 --> 00:51:44,980
Which, you know, I'm a guy's guy.
806
00:51:45,063 --> 00:51:47,482
So I know that a clutch
is a little pocketbook
807
00:51:47,567 --> 00:51:50,235
that women take out for a fancy night.
808
00:51:54,488 --> 00:51:57,075
So I ease off the clutch.
809
00:51:57,158 --> 00:51:59,662
And I press down on the other thing.
810
00:52:01,538 --> 00:52:05,583
And I put it into first, and I
[stuttering] just like can't, you know…
811
00:52:05,667 --> 00:52:10,172
It's stalled.
Just cannot get it's gears grinding.
812
00:52:10,255 --> 00:52:13,258
Just can't get it moving at all.
813
00:52:13,342 --> 00:52:14,635
Kind of like
814
00:52:14,718 --> 00:52:17,722
Vincent D'Onofrio in Men in Black .
Just like…
815
00:52:20,098 --> 00:52:23,768
"Give me sugar!"
816
00:52:31,860 --> 00:52:34,697
So the ten-minute ride
to get out of Bologna
817
00:52:34,780 --> 00:52:37,198
takes about an hour and 45 minutes.
818
00:52:39,077 --> 00:52:42,497
But then we get out of the city,
and now we're on the open road.
819
00:52:42,578 --> 00:52:44,748
And it's so beautiful.
820
00:52:44,832 --> 00:52:46,708
The sun is setting.
821
00:52:46,792 --> 00:52:48,418
And all of a sudden
822
00:52:48,502 --> 00:52:50,712
the hairs on my arms start to rise.
823
00:52:54,007 --> 00:52:56,052
And I'm like: "Oh no."
824
00:52:56,133 --> 00:53:00,097
And Statham's like: "Had to have
that second cappuccino, didn't you?
825
00:53:02,348 --> 00:53:05,518
That diarrhea's coming fast and furious.
826
00:53:08,563 --> 00:53:12,277
Hope you got a transporter
to ride to a loo."
827
00:53:12,358 --> 00:53:14,362
And I'm like:
"Are you gonna list all of your movies?"
828
00:53:14,443 --> 00:53:16,405
And he's like: "The Meg."
829
00:53:19,908 --> 00:53:21,535
And I'm like:
"Babe, we just gotta pull over
830
00:53:21,618 --> 00:53:22,953
and go to a gassatoria real quick."
831
00:53:23,037 --> 00:53:24,288
And she's like: "Okay." So I'm like:
832
00:53:24,372 --> 00:53:29,960
"Ooh. This caterpillar wants
to become a butterfly."
833
00:53:31,795 --> 00:53:33,338
We pull up to a gas station.
834
00:53:33,422 --> 00:53:35,967
I have to downshift.
That's the hardest part.
835
00:53:36,048 --> 00:53:40,053
Can't, you know, get it back into gear.
We're like 15 feet from the gas thing.
836
00:53:40,137 --> 00:53:41,263
And I'm like: "Oh god."
837
00:53:41,347 --> 00:53:44,017
Ooh…ooh!
838
00:53:44,098 --> 00:53:46,310
My girlfriend's like:
"Babe, are you okay?" And I'm like:
839
00:53:46,393 --> 00:53:49,353
"Yeah,
my stomach's just like a little off."
840
00:53:51,107 --> 00:53:55,277
And she's like:
"Babe, it's okay if you have diarrhea.
841
00:53:55,360 --> 00:53:58,738
You can tell me, because I love you."
842
00:54:00,365 --> 00:54:01,950
And then I look at her.
843
00:54:03,035 --> 00:54:04,745
And I shit my pants.
844
00:54:07,038 --> 00:54:07,873
[audience applauding]
845
00:54:17,132 --> 00:54:20,343
And that's when I knew she was the one.
846
00:54:23,722 --> 00:54:27,142
So, that was like the end of 2019,
847
00:54:27,227 --> 00:54:29,102
and we moved in together after that.
848
00:54:29,187 --> 00:54:33,315
She moved in with me in Los Angeles
at the beginning of 2020.
849
00:54:33,398 --> 00:54:35,275
And do you guys remember…
850
00:54:37,277 --> 00:54:38,695
Um…
851
00:54:39,863 --> 00:54:42,198
March 2020?
852
00:54:44,243 --> 00:54:47,578
The lockdown starts, and now the two of us
are just living in this house together.
853
00:54:47,663 --> 00:54:49,748
And I knew that she was
the women I wanted to marry,
854
00:54:49,832 --> 00:54:51,417
that I wanna spend
the rest of my life with,
855
00:54:51,500 --> 00:54:52,918
that I wanna have a family with.
856
00:54:53,002 --> 00:54:55,503
But I don't know about you guys,
but even before COVID
857
00:54:55,587 --> 00:54:59,217
everything felt real crackly, you know.
858
00:54:59,298 --> 00:55:02,593
Everything just felt fucking off,
and then COVID happens.
859
00:55:02,678 --> 00:55:04,930
And I'm like: "Do I wanna have children?
860
00:55:05,013 --> 00:55:08,267
Do I wanna bring a child into this world,
861
00:55:08,350 --> 00:55:10,185
with everything going on?"
862
00:55:10,268 --> 00:55:12,647
And I just got scared, you know?
863
00:55:12,728 --> 00:55:16,275
And I know how hard it is to have a kid
without anything going wrong.
864
00:55:16,358 --> 00:55:20,903
Like, I have all these nieces and nephews,
and all my friends have kids.
865
00:55:20,988 --> 00:55:24,742
And there's nothing harder than
making a four-year-old eat dinner.
866
00:55:26,327 --> 00:55:28,578
You know what I mean? You ever given
a four year old dinner?
867
00:55:28,662 --> 00:55:31,207
"Here's some mac and cheese."
"I don't want that." You know.
868
00:55:31,290 --> 00:55:33,042
"What do you want?" "I want pizza."
869
00:55:34,502 --> 00:55:37,128
"Okay." You bring her a pizza.
"What's the green?"
870
00:55:38,463 --> 00:55:41,133
And you're just like: "It's just basil."
871
00:55:41,217 --> 00:55:43,010
"I don't want basil!"
872
00:55:44,720 --> 00:55:47,347
"It's just a garnish." "What's a garnish?
873
00:55:48,765 --> 00:55:51,310
Garnish sounds worse!"
874
00:55:52,978 --> 00:55:55,105
You're like: "All right.
You know what, buddy? It's time for bed.
875
00:55:55,188 --> 00:55:57,648
Let's go get ready." And you take 'em
upstairs to brush their teeth.
876
00:55:57,733 --> 00:56:00,402
They're like:
"I don't like this toothpaste.
877
00:56:00,485 --> 00:56:01,695
It's spicy."
878
00:56:04,032 --> 00:56:06,200
"What? Spicy? It's fucking mint."
879
00:56:08,243 --> 00:56:10,703
"I don't like this spicy toothpaste."
880
00:56:10,787 --> 00:56:13,498
"You gotta get some new adjectives, bro."
881
00:56:13,582 --> 00:56:17,502
"I don't like this bubble water.
It's spicy."
882
00:56:18,712 --> 00:56:19,880
"It's Pellegrino.
883
00:56:21,340 --> 00:56:23,592
It's eight dollars.
884
00:56:23,675 --> 00:56:25,637
You begged me for it.
885
00:56:25,718 --> 00:56:29,807
And then you begged to hold my phone
with your dirty little biscuit fingers.
886
00:56:31,267 --> 00:56:35,353
So that you could watch a YouTube video
of a Swedish white nationalist
887
00:56:35,437 --> 00:56:37,063
play Mario Kart."
888
00:56:42,193 --> 00:56:44,613
"Why are you so mean to me?"
889
00:56:45,948 --> 00:56:47,323
"I'm not being mean, you're just tired."
890
00:56:47,407 --> 00:56:50,285
"I'm not tired."
891
00:56:50,368 --> 00:56:55,290
"Then why are you rubbing your eyes?"
"Because… they're spicy."
892
00:56:58,043 --> 00:57:00,253
And you're like: "You know what?
It's just time for your bath."
893
00:57:00,337 --> 00:57:02,130
They're like:
"I don't wanna take a bath…"
894
00:57:03,132 --> 00:57:05,927
Somehow they dislocate
both of their shoulders, like…
895
00:57:08,178 --> 00:57:09,263
They're like…
896
00:57:16,437 --> 00:57:18,938
And then they take the bath.
897
00:57:19,022 --> 00:57:23,485
And then they come downstairs
with their hair parted down to the side.
898
00:57:23,568 --> 00:57:26,697
In their little footie pajamas,
to say goodnight.
899
00:57:26,780 --> 00:57:27,698
And they're just like…
900
00:57:34,288 --> 00:57:37,165
Like they're the goddamn president
of the living room.
901
00:57:48,052 --> 00:57:49,137
So…
902
00:57:49,218 --> 00:57:50,847
I wasn't sure about kids.
903
00:57:52,682 --> 00:57:55,433
We're two months into the pandemic.
It's May.
904
00:57:55,517 --> 00:57:57,437
I remember it was Mother's Day.
It was May 10th.
905
00:57:57,518 --> 00:57:59,522
And we'd just been locked down.
906
00:57:59,605 --> 00:58:02,608
And my girlfriend's like:
"We gotta get out of the house.
907
00:58:02,692 --> 00:58:04,402
I'm losing my mind here."
908
00:58:04,483 --> 00:58:07,322
So I was like: "Okay, great. Let's get out
of here. Let's go for a hike."
909
00:58:07,403 --> 00:58:11,533
So we go to Topanga,
this beautiful part of Los Angeles.
910
00:58:11,617 --> 00:58:13,702
We go for this gorgeous hike.
911
00:58:13,785 --> 00:58:18,040
And the sky is blue, and there's, like,
little Simpsons clouds everywhere.
912
00:58:18,123 --> 00:58:20,627
And the wild flowers are blooming.
913
00:58:20,708 --> 00:58:23,003
And we haven't gone on a hike…
You know when you go on a hike,
914
00:58:23,087 --> 00:58:26,465
and you walk by people, and you get, like,
little snippets of conversation?
915
00:58:26,548 --> 00:58:28,550
And they're like:
"No, that crypto guy killed himself."
916
00:58:28,633 --> 00:58:30,718
And you're like: "What?"
917
00:58:34,013 --> 00:58:37,643
So needless to say,
it was a great day, and…
918
00:58:37,727 --> 00:58:41,480
We come home, and I'm in a great mood.
919
00:58:41,563 --> 00:58:44,067
And I look at Lily, and I'm like:
"What's going on?"
920
00:58:44,148 --> 00:58:46,777
She's like:
"I don't wanna be that girl, but,
921
00:58:46,860 --> 00:58:49,905
I just wanna have, like,
a conversation about our timeline.
922
00:58:49,988 --> 00:58:53,075
Like, are we gonna get married,
are we gonna have kids?" And I'm like:
923
00:58:53,158 --> 00:58:55,452
"I'll make you a mother right now!"
924
00:58:59,038 --> 00:59:00,457
And I did.
925
00:59:02,793 --> 00:59:03,793
Thank you.
926
00:59:06,755 --> 00:59:08,465
Thank you.
927
00:59:09,217 --> 00:59:12,262
So 42 is actually, like,
a very good age to have a kid.
928
00:59:12,343 --> 00:59:15,722
It's actually, like,
the smartest age to have a child.
929
00:59:16,848 --> 00:59:19,352
And, uh, we start planning everything.
930
00:59:19,433 --> 00:59:21,562
And we get married. We eloped.
931
00:59:21,645 --> 00:59:24,188
I don't know if anyone here
is thinking about getting married,
932
00:59:24,273 --> 00:59:26,358
but I highly recommend eloping.
933
00:59:26,442 --> 00:59:27,442
Uh, yeah…
934
00:59:28,943 --> 00:59:32,238
I mean, the downside is
that your family can't be there,
935
00:59:32,322 --> 00:59:35,408
but the upside is,
is that your family can't be there.
936
00:59:41,163 --> 00:59:44,418
We got married on a cliff in Big Sur,
just the two of us.
937
00:59:44,502 --> 00:59:45,668
It was beautiful.
938
00:59:45,752 --> 00:59:48,088
Well, it was the two of us
and our wedding officiant,
939
00:59:48,172 --> 00:59:51,008
who was a seagull. And…
940
00:59:51,092 --> 00:59:54,845
Like, a really majestic seagull.
941
00:59:54,928 --> 00:59:56,930
And he said some beautiful…
942
00:59:57,013 --> 00:59:59,392
There is one thing he said,
that I will never forget.
943
01:00:00,808 --> 01:00:01,768
He goes:
944
01:00:01,852 --> 01:00:03,853
"Save tonight.
945
01:00:03,937 --> 01:00:06,148
And fight the break of dawn.
946
01:00:07,692 --> 01:00:12,863
Because come tomorrow,
tomorrow will be gone."
947
01:00:12,947 --> 01:00:14,740
And I'm not trying to brag,
948
01:00:14,823 --> 01:00:18,912
but the wedding officiant
was Seagull-Eye Cherry, and…
949
01:00:18,993 --> 01:00:23,957
That's a joke for a very specific
demographic of people here.
950
01:00:29,087 --> 01:00:30,422
So we got married on the cliff,
951
01:00:30,507 --> 01:00:34,593
and then we went to the Redwoods
to do all the Jew shit, and…
952
01:00:34,677 --> 01:00:38,805
I didn't have a glass, so I wrapped
a pinecone in a paper napkin
953
01:00:38,888 --> 01:00:40,098
and stepped on it.
954
01:00:40,182 --> 01:00:43,268
And three squirrels were like:
"Mazel tov."
955
01:00:47,482 --> 01:00:50,733
And they were like hippie squirrels,
that had moved out to the bay
956
01:00:50,817 --> 01:00:53,778
in the early sixties and then,
you know, stuck around
957
01:00:53,862 --> 01:00:56,657
and then just got, like,
weirdly religious over time.
958
01:00:58,325 --> 01:01:00,787
And we moved into a new house,
and we were nesting
959
01:01:00,868 --> 01:01:03,080
and getting the nursery ready
and all that stuff.
960
01:01:03,163 --> 01:01:05,623
And then it came time for us
to go have the baby.
961
01:01:05,707 --> 01:01:09,545
Because it was so "us."
It was so both of us.
962
01:01:09,628 --> 01:01:11,922
It was so 50-50.
963
01:01:13,007 --> 01:01:15,552
'Cause Lily was in charge
of having the baby,
964
01:01:15,633 --> 01:01:18,262
and I was in charge of snacks! [laughs]
965
01:01:22,057 --> 01:01:25,477
So we're in the hospital
and we're hanging out.
966
01:01:25,562 --> 01:01:28,188
"Hanging out."
It was fucking intense, so…
967
01:01:29,438 --> 01:01:31,148
But we're in there for a while,
968
01:01:31,233 --> 01:01:34,570
and we're getting close,
and all of a sudden
969
01:01:34,653 --> 01:01:36,447
my wife goes into active labor.
970
01:01:36,530 --> 01:01:39,533
And you can just feel
the energy shift in the room.
971
01:01:39,617 --> 01:01:43,037
And this new nurse,
who I have not seen at any point,
972
01:01:43,120 --> 01:01:46,082
this ringer softball nurse
shows up out of nowhere,
973
01:01:46,163 --> 01:01:48,500
and she's like: "Come on, Lily,
you can fucking do it! Let's go, baby!
974
01:01:48,583 --> 01:01:50,252
You've got this, girl!
You've got this, girl!"
975
01:01:51,962 --> 01:01:55,048
And I'm sitting there. Standing there.
976
01:01:56,592 --> 01:01:58,093
Holding my wife's leg.
977
01:02:00,137 --> 01:02:02,388
As she
978
01:02:04,392 --> 01:02:06,685
gives birth to our son.
979
01:02:06,768 --> 01:02:07,812
And…
980
01:02:08,937 --> 01:02:09,897
It's…
981
01:02:11,398 --> 01:02:14,652
It's the most amazing thing
I've ever seen.
982
01:02:14,735 --> 01:02:18,613
It's like you're seeing life,
creation, begin.
983
01:02:20,742 --> 01:02:22,827
And I know that might sound,
like, a little pro-life,
984
01:02:22,910 --> 01:02:26,497
but it's really much more fucking pro-mom.
985
01:02:32,837 --> 01:02:35,838
I've never seen anything
so majestic in my life.
986
01:02:37,423 --> 01:02:41,012
And you watch a woman give birth…
987
01:02:42,347 --> 01:02:45,933
And you're like: "That's why moms
pick up on the first ring."
988
01:02:48,685 --> 01:02:52,147
So when you leave here tonight,
if you still have your mom,
989
01:02:52,232 --> 01:02:54,398
text her, tell her you love her.
990
01:02:54,483 --> 01:02:56,443
Or, even better,
991
01:02:56,527 --> 01:02:58,153
give her a call.
992
01:02:58,237 --> 01:03:01,740
Or even better than that,
call her on the way to something.
993
01:03:04,408 --> 01:03:06,162
So there's a clear cut-off.
994
01:03:08,122 --> 01:03:10,415
So we bring our son home.
995
01:03:10,498 --> 01:03:13,085
And he's so fucking cute.
996
01:03:13,168 --> 01:03:16,255
He's so adorable,
I mean, it's just like: "Oh my God."
997
01:03:16,338 --> 01:03:21,260
He's so… He's so cute. He's hot.
I have a hot son.
998
01:03:23,803 --> 01:03:27,140
'Cause he's like tiny and bald
and symmetrical.
999
01:03:27,223 --> 01:03:29,935
And frankly,
he looks a lot like Jason Statham.
1000
01:03:32,353 --> 01:03:33,272
And…
1001
01:03:34,648 --> 01:03:37,150
We're having the best time.
When you have this new baby,
1002
01:03:37,233 --> 01:03:39,403
you just wanna squeeze,
you know what I mean.
1003
01:03:39,487 --> 01:03:41,822
"Oh my God,
give me this little baby. He's so cute!"
1004
01:03:41,905 --> 01:03:46,577
You just wanna slice off his cheeks
and spread them on Texas toast.
1005
01:03:48,037 --> 01:03:51,415
"Oh, he's so cute." He's got a little
soft spot on the top of his head.
1006
01:03:51,498 --> 01:03:53,458
You know, soft spots are real.
You realize that?
1007
01:03:53,542 --> 01:03:55,712
It's not like: "Oh, I've got a soft spot
for Neil Diamond."
1008
01:03:55,793 --> 01:03:59,007
It's like, no. Babies have a spot
on the top of their head,
1009
01:03:59,088 --> 01:04:01,467
where their skulls haven't fused.
1010
01:04:01,550 --> 01:04:04,720
And it's just like skin, and then brain.
1011
01:04:04,803 --> 01:04:09,142
And you can see their little pulse,
and it's so fucking cute.
1012
01:04:09,223 --> 01:04:12,643
I just wanna take a boba straw
and pop it right in there.
1013
01:04:15,438 --> 01:04:18,525
And suck his adorable little brains out.
1014
01:04:19,860 --> 01:04:24,532
Which, as a card-carrying member
of the Jewish Liberal Media Elite,
1015
01:04:24,615 --> 01:04:28,077
that's what QAnon
already thinks I'm doing.
1016
01:04:30,828 --> 01:04:33,082
All right, guys. That's it.
I'm Nick Kroll.
1017
01:04:35,167 --> 01:04:37,002
Thank you, Washington D.C.
1018
01:04:39,922 --> 01:04:41,965
Thank you to my wife.
Thank you to my son.
1019
01:04:42,048 --> 01:04:43,383
Thank you to my family.
1020
01:04:43,467 --> 01:04:46,012
Thank you all for coming out.
I really appreciate it.
1021
01:04:46,093 --> 01:04:47,930
[audience cheering]
1022
01:04:48,013 --> 01:04:50,517
["Save Tonight"
by Eagle-Eye Cherry playing]
1023
01:05:14,870 --> 01:05:15,725
This is like…
1024
01:05:25,843 --> 01:05:27,762
If you ever want…
1025
01:05:27,845 --> 01:05:29,763
…to see what I look like stressed out…
1026
01:05:31,098 --> 01:05:34,810
Watch me try to fucking
get into gear in a crosswalk.