1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,160 - Previously on Queen Of Oz... - ALL YELL 2 00:00:04,161 --> 00:00:05,639 Oh, this poxy country. What now? 3 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:07,159 I get off work at nine, if you... 4 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:09,279 Why don't you just clock off now? 5 00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:11,799 Yeah, I guess I could do that. Because you're fired. What? 6 00:00:11,800 --> 00:00:14,119 And to shut me up, she gave me this. 7 00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:15,239 Oh, no. 8 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:18,119 My new banknote's arrived. Exciting! 9 00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:19,879 Desperate to see it? Maybe a little. 10 00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:22,119 Ginger eyebrows? 11 00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:24,319 Oh, well, they'll just have to destroy all those 12 00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:26,679 and print the correct ones. The thing is... The notes have 13 00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:29,479 already been printed and distributed to banks around the country. 14 00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:32,399 Oh, well, if you can't do it, you can't do it. 15 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:33,679 Bye. 16 00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:36,239 What do you reckon we roll our sleeves up and get our hands... 17 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:38,400 Nice and bloody? 18 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:41,399 I'm all in. 19 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:43,599 Who's ready for some roo burgers? 20 00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:44,960 Ugh... 21 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:50,519 NEWSREADER: Incredible scenes of joy and jubilation 22 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:53,519 as thousands of people line the streets of Sydney, 23 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:55,239 craning their heads, hoping to catch 24 00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:56,959 a glimpse of royalty. 25 00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:59,319 We haven't seen a reception like this in... 26 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:01,279 Unbelievable. 27 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:03,759 He hasn't even been in the country five minutes 28 00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:05,879 and they're already falling all over him. 29 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:08,439 The public has always loved your brother, Ma'am. 30 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:11,959 He's a dutiful son who serves his country with the grace and poise 31 00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:14,239 that befits the heir to the throne. 32 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:16,319 Unlike others. 33 00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:20,079 Everyone's just OK with him speaking to me like this, are they? 34 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,599 Of course they are. 35 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:23,719 Nobody even bothers standing any more. 36 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:24,839 Too late. 37 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:28,239 First stop for Prince Frederick will be a visit to his sister... 38 00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:30,879 I had no idea Australia had this many people. 39 00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:34,719 Do we know why he's here? Whatever it is, it isn't to say well done. 40 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:37,479 Nobody flies all this bloody way just to be nice. 41 00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:42,359 Actually, my fiancee flew down... Actually, man-child, I don't care. 42 00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:46,239 Nobody from my family, I mean. 43 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,279 When we want to be nice, we send flowers. 44 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:51,320 When we want to be pricks, we send Freddie. 45 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:08,359 The Queen, never far from controversy, now appears 46 00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:12,439 to be taking advantage of young men on her staff. 47 00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:14,919 Are you not embarrassed? Is that not embarrassing? Yeah. 48 00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:16,039 It's off-putting. 49 00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:18,959 You're all talking this morning on our text and phone line 50 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:21,599 about the Queen sleeping with one of her staff. 51 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,319 This is highly inappropriate. 52 00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:25,119 Controversial, I'd say. 53 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:28,559 Hey, if they can get it, good on them. Go, the cougar. 54 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:30,519 She's sleeping with her footman? 55 00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:33,599 Oh, my God. He's not getting paid enough for that, is he? 56 00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:34,640 Bit creepy. 57 00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:38,399 It just makes me want to dry retch. Ugh. 58 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:40,400 Yuck. My God. 59 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:45,559 Jesus, you sleep with one footman. 60 00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:47,759 I believe the correct term is footperson. 61 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:49,479 And even that sounds demeaning. 62 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:52,279 There's nothing demeaning about shagging the Queen. Perhaps, 63 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:55,439 but you're going to visit an animal sanctuary for endangered species. 64 00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:58,239 That's quite a segue. We need to change the narrative, 65 00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:01,319 take the spotlight off the sleazy headlines and refocus them 66 00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:02,839 on your positive qualities. 67 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:05,359 Excellent. Which are? 68 00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:06,879 Well, your, erm... 69 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:08,879 My? 70 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:09,920 Your... 71 00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:13,879 Go on. 72 00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:17,679 Yeah, I can't think of any right now, but it'll be a great photo op. 73 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:20,559 It'll make you look more caring, more relatable. 74 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:24,279 You think me holding a pangolin will make me look more relatable? 75 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:27,119 I'm just working with what we've got. Really? 76 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:30,999 I'm just working with what we've got, Ma'am. Thank you. 77 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:34,159 Your Majesty. His Royal Highness Prince Frederick. 78 00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:37,159 On a scale of one to ten, how sanctimonious does he look? 79 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:38,240 A solid 12. 80 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:47,639 Georgie, Georgie, little Georgie Porgie! 81 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:50,440 Freddie, Freddie, little wet the beddie. 82 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,639 Hi, Georgie. 83 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:56,639 Erm, actually, it's Your Majesty now. 84 00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:58,719 Oh, of course. 85 00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:01,879 Which technically means you have to bow. 86 00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:04,240 Down here, Queen trumps Prince. 87 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:08,320 Your Majesty. 88 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:11,199 How are you? 89 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:12,679 As you see. 90 00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:15,559 I see you still look like a slab of wet veal, 91 00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:17,399 so that doesn't give me much to go on. 92 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:19,359 Oh, and I see you being shipped off to Australia 93 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:22,079 hasn't tempered your tongue. Oh, do shove it up your arse, Fred. 94 00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:23,199 Why are you here? 95 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:25,759 You need to get married. 96 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:27,879 I need to get what now? 97 00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:31,519 The Queen - you know, the actual Queen? - is formally 98 00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:34,359 instructing you to get married. 99 00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:38,559 All these sex romps and scandals, it's hurting the Crown. 100 00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:40,239 Yeah. Of course. 101 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:42,519 It's when we royals get married that the scandals stop. 102 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:44,919 You're an embarrassment. What's new? 103 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:46,359 What's new? 104 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:47,519 You're getting married. 105 00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:49,399 I most certainly am not. 106 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:53,999 "A royal wedding is our best, or perhaps only, chance" 107 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:57,919 "to make the public like her." 108 00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,439 That's a direct quote from Mummy. 109 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:02,239 She can't tell me how to live my life. 110 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:05,159 Exactly, that's what horoscopes are for. 111 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:07,199 It's bad enough I had to become an Australian, 112 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:09,039 she can't now make me marry one. 113 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:11,599 I think you'll find she can. 114 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:14,399 That's sort of how the monarchy works. 115 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:18,519 Now, the Palace has drawn up a list of potential candidates. 116 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:22,279 We need someone pliable, with a pedigree. 117 00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:24,359 Royal Tinder? How very romantic. 118 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:26,919 I need a pedigree, my trotters are shot. 119 00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:28,999 I don't really have to do this, do I? 120 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:32,440 Alas, Ma'am, real Queen trumps Australian Queen. 121 00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:38,759 Now, this chap gets my vote. 122 00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:41,239 Dylan Robinson, 50. 123 00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:43,359 Venture capitalist. Never been married. 124 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:47,159 Suspicious. Well, you've never been married. Exactamundo. 125 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:48,200 Give me that. 126 00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:53,599 Too short. 127 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:55,279 Too bald. 128 00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:56,719 Too stupid. 129 00:05:56,720 --> 00:06:00,679 None of which have ever disqualified a royal suitor. 130 00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:02,199 Pinhead. 131 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:03,919 Meathead. 132 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:05,319 Doesn't give head. 133 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:06,959 How would you know? 134 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:08,879 Ugh, never mind. 135 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:11,520 Ginger? Absolutely not. 136 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:14,640 Not on a man. 137 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:18,959 All right, Fred, you've had your little bit of fun. 138 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:20,639 I'm not doing it. 139 00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:23,079 Now, do us all a favour. 140 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:25,599 Piss off back to the motherland before your overbearing 141 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:29,239 horse of a wife and kids notice you're not there. 142 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,559 That's ridiculous! 143 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:34,880 I'm sure my private secretary's informed them. 144 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:46,079 Little Freddie Fuckster, eh? 145 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,079 That's what our grandfather used to call him. 146 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:50,199 Or Sally. Fred would answer both. 147 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:52,599 He always was a sorry excuse for the male species, 148 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:54,279 even by royal standards. 149 00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,839 What did your grandfather call you? 150 00:06:56,840 --> 00:06:58,879 His favourite grandson. 151 00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:00,319 I miss him. 152 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,079 He was the only one who noticed me. 153 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:04,039 Isn't it hard not to notice you? 154 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:06,159 It is now. 155 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,439 Writing's on the wall for me, though. 156 00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:10,359 I've kicked the can down the road too long. 157 00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:13,479 They've backed me into a corner. Yeah? How's that? 158 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:15,519 By making me a bloody queen. 159 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:16,920 I hate it when that happens. 160 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:22,239 Like it or not, I've always had the might of the Palace behind me, 161 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:25,119 and in many ways it's protected me from myself. 162 00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:27,239 Yet it's also made me the monster I am. 163 00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:30,599 And they said therapy would be a waste of money. 164 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:34,239 Historically, the spares have always been a problem. 165 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:37,239 Did you ever read about the time me and Macaulay Culkin got arrested? 166 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:38,560 I did not. Exactly. 167 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:43,559 The stories they printed had nothing on the ones they covered up. 168 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:45,719 Good to have friends in high places. 169 00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:48,039 Not friends. Family. 170 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:50,999 I owe them, and now it's time for me to pay my dues. 171 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,799 If there's a more romantic reason to get married, I'd like to hear it. 172 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:55,959 We can't all marry our childhood sweethearts and 173 00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:59,559 live happily ever after, like you. I'm not married. Oh. 174 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:02,159 You always struck me as the marrying kind. I am, Ma'am. 175 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:04,119 I'm just not married yet. 176 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:07,199 That's fighting talk, you know I'm on the lookout. 177 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:08,639 Any royal lineage? 178 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:10,879 In high school, I worked at Donut King. 179 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:14,999 Hmm, I'm not sure that's quite going to cut it. 180 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,040 Shame. 181 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:28,199 ♪ A pony once lived on a merry go round 182 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:32,599 ♪ He went up, down, up down... ♪ 183 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:35,799 Do you remember, when we were kids, the only way they could tempt us 184 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:38,279 out of the bath was with a hard-boiled egg on a spoon? 185 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:40,720 Oh, we loved our hard-boiled eggs. 186 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,479 So, the Anderson Animal Sanctuary... Do I have to speak? 187 00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:48,839 Your speech will make a lot more sense if you do, Ma'am. 188 00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:51,399 Excellent bants, Zoe. More of that, please. 189 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:54,559 The Anderson Animal Sanctuary is the pet project of Teddy Anderson, 190 00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:56,479 who is a philanthropist, environmentalist 191 00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:59,039 and animal conservationist. Bloody hell, Ted, pick a lane. 192 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:01,679 The sanctuary runs a specialised breeding programme 193 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:03,479 for endangered species. 194 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:05,759 Freddie's getting flashbacks to his honeymoon. 195 00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:07,360 - FREDDIE SNORTS - He's having that. 196 00:09:07,363 --> 00:09:09,319 OK, so, after the speech, there'll be animals 197 00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:11,079 there for you to interact with. 198 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:14,319 I will absolutely not be handling any animals. 199 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:16,239 Then why did you come, idiot? 200 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,639 To add some much needed decorum. 201 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:20,999 Having filthy, wild animals crawling all over me 202 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,319 doesn't quite fit the bill. 203 00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:24,240 That is no way to talk about your wife. 204 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:27,159 I'm here all week. 205 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,799 You've turned yourself into a cheap sideshow. 206 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:32,679 Talking to the press, breaking royal protocols - 207 00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:34,519 you're a bloody laughing stock. 208 00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:36,879 Oh, lighten up, Sally. They love it down here, 209 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:38,759 it's called connecting with people. 210 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:41,279 Yes, and if you're not careful, these... people will think 211 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:42,880 you're just like them. 212 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:49,079 Well, this is awkward. 213 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:52,439 I mean, you clearly have no idea how to represent your crown. 214 00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:55,039 Which, incidentally, starts with the Queen not chewing gum. 215 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:56,800 You're absolutely right. 216 00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:00,239 Soz. 217 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:02,399 We will leave promptly at noon, and then later, 218 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:05,159 you will have your weekly audience with the Prime Minister. 219 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:07,199 Oh, God. That came around quick. 220 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:09,239 MANY PHONE ALERTS AT ONCE 221 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:10,959 Oh, hello. 222 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:13,079 Either someone's smuggled in a microwave or 223 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,479 another bloody story's been leaked. 224 00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:19,119 Well, it wasn't me. I don't even know how to use a microwave. 225 00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:22,399 "Georgie plans to wed after secret romance." 226 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,039 What? Planning to wed? 227 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,439 What the actual fuck, Zoe? 228 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:28,840 Well, it didn't come from us, obviously. 229 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:35,479 Well, we thought it best to chivvy things along. 230 00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:38,559 We? The royal we. Literally. 231 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:40,559 MOCKING: "The royal we. Literally." 232 00:10:40,560 --> 00:10:43,119 You snivelling shit pig! Ow! 233 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:44,799 You shit pig! Ow! Stop it! 234 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:46,239 What are you doing?! 235 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:47,359 Stop it! 236 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:50,599 "The royal we! The royal we! Literally!" Aargh! 237 00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:52,239 BOTH: How do you do? 238 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:54,679 Thank you so much for coming. It's certain to help shine 239 00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:56,839 a spotlight on all the work that we do here. 240 00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:59,599 It's wonderful to be here. We're great admirers. 241 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:00,959 Oh. 242 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:03,199 Do you care for the animals yourself? 243 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:06,239 I don't work here myself, as such. Not that I consider this work, 244 00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:08,759 I do it more for the feels. You know, personal gain. 245 00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:11,039 Just so great to be able to give back. 246 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:12,520 I'm sure you know what I mean. 247 00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:15,080 Shall we? 248 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:20,359 NEWSREADER: We're just hearing word from a source close to Her Majesty 249 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:22,559 that she's to wed later this year... 250 00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:24,399 And some bombshell news just to hand, 251 00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,159 straight from Macquarie House... 252 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:27,919 The Queen is getting married. 253 00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:29,919 Who's going to marry her? 254 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:32,199 If she wants to marry a neo-Nazi, if she wants to marry 255 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:34,519 a Russian oligarch, if she wants to marry a cousin 256 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,159 and the children are all inbred and they're our future royals, 257 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:38,519 we have a right to know. 258 00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:41,879 We understand that Queen Georgie is about to hold a press conference 259 00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:45,599 at the Anderson Animal Sanctuary. Perhaps we'll find out 260 00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:48,959 some details of who this mysterious groom-to-be is. 261 00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:51,759 We'll cross there in just a few moments time. 262 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:57,039 So, Teddy, you're much better looking than most philanthropists. 263 00:11:57,040 --> 00:12:00,239 Well, thank you, Ma'am. You're much better looking than most queens. 264 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:02,839 Boom. We're off to a flying start. 265 00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:04,639 So, I hear congratulations are in order? 266 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:06,199 Why, have I won this week's Lotto? 267 00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:07,559 If you don't mind me asking, 268 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,879 how are you feeling about your upcoming nuptials? 269 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:12,359 I can assure you, just as surprised as everyone else. 270 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:13,599 Well, who's the lucky man? 271 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,359 As soon as I find out, I'll let you know. 272 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:18,119 Hang on, are you telling me you don't know who you're marrying? 273 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:19,919 No. 274 00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:22,159 You're in your own episode of Married At First Sight. 275 00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:25,439 As we speak, the experts are trawling through reams of data, 276 00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:27,599 searching for a suitable Australian groom. 277 00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,919 Well, they haven't contacted me yet. 278 00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:32,199 Well, they're probably working in alphabetical order 279 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:33,479 and haven't got to zookeeper. 280 00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:36,599 Yes, zookeeper and distant cousin to a Danish prince. 281 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:40,279 How do you like them apples? Ugh, Danish? No, thanks. 282 00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:42,319 And what's wrong with the Danes? 283 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:45,439 Ugh, I mean, they're just so, "Hurdy-gurdy-gurdy." 284 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:48,119 "Look at me, I'm Danish." 285 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:50,399 If that's supposed to be the chef from The Muppets, 286 00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:53,759 you know that he's Swedish, right? Ugh, same thing. 287 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:56,999 Just to reiterate, these are highly sensitive creatures, 288 00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:59,719 so no loud noises, no flash photography, no sudden movements, 289 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:01,079 anything that might spook them. 290 00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:03,919 Just to reiterate, she's talking about me and Fred, not the animals. 291 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:05,359 LAUGHTER 292 00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:06,599 When's the wedding, Ma'am? 293 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:09,239 Goodness me, we're straight out of the traps this morning. 294 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:10,759 Someone's had their Weet-Bix. 295 00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:12,279 So, who's the mystery fella then? 296 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:14,919 Hopefully, one of the Hemsworths. The mystery is, which one? 297 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:16,639 LAUGHTER 298 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:17,999 Look at this one! 299 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:20,479 It's two for the price of one today, kids, 300 00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:22,399 so don't waste all your questions on me. 301 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:24,319 Look at that! FRED CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY 302 00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:25,639 Ah, hello. Yes. 303 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:28,479 And don't let the stiff demeanour fool you, this one loves a chat. 304 00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:31,799 How are you enjoying your trip, sir? Oh, splendid. 305 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:34,799 Yes. Yeah, it's, ah... splendid. 306 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:37,559 What did I tell you? Hashtag bants. LAUGHTER 307 00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:38,600 All day long. 308 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:42,759 Who is this little treasure? 309 00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:44,279 This is Binky. 310 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:48,519 He is one of 30 koalas we have here, rescued after the fires. 311 00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:51,039 They are stubborn little creatures but as he only eats 312 00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:53,879 eucalyptus leaves, he's kind of zonked out all day. 313 00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:55,999 So, cute, stubborn and stoned. 314 00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:57,580 My nickname in high school. 315 00:13:57,581 --> 00:13:59,159 LAUGHTER 316 00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:00,639 Would you like a hold, Ma'am? 317 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:03,879 Oh, I couldn't possibly hog this bundle of fluff 318 00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,839 when Fred's come all this way just for a cuddle. 319 00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:09,959 I don't think so. Oh, come on, Fred. 320 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:12,559 Who would like to see the heir to the British throne 321 00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,159 show Binky a wittle wuv? 322 00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:15,559 ALL ENCOURAGE HIM 323 00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:17,119 Yes, go on. Please, Sir, yes! 324 00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:18,359 Oh, yes, Sir, yes, Sir! 325 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:20,799 Well, you're in my country now, Fred, and as your Queen, 326 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:22,759 I absolutely command it. Come on. 327 00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:24,199 Hello... hello, Binky. 328 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:25,799 Oh, I think he likes you, Fred. 329 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:27,479 FRED WHIMPERS 330 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:30,239 Let's just hope Binky's up to date with his chlamydia shots. 331 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:35,199 "Let's just hope Binky is up to date with his chlamydia shots"?! 332 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:40,199 You said that to the press while I had a koala bear sitting on my face! 333 00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:43,399 Well, I hope you bought him a drink first. Enough! 334 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,679 Your perpetual resentment of me clearly knows no bounds. 335 00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:49,279 I mean, not content with making yourself a laughing stock 336 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:52,999 on the world stage, you seem hell- bent on dragging me down with you! 337 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,079 You're right, it was out of order 338 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:57,639 and entirely the wrong message to send. 339 00:14:57,640 --> 00:14:59,680 There is no shot for chlamydia. 340 00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:05,159 Go on, laugh it up, Georgie Porgie. 341 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:07,999 But you've backed yourself into a corner now. 342 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,759 You've just lost the right to choose your own husband. 343 00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:13,239 You can't tell me who to marry. Too late. 344 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:16,039 I'm not getting stuck in a loveless marriage. Isn't that your thing? 345 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:19,679 The equation's very simple - get married or you're out of the family. 346 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:22,359 Don't tease me. Completely cut off. 347 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:25,119 No support whatsoever. I can make my own money. 348 00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:28,239 I have useful talents. Yeah, getting wasted is not a talent. 349 00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:31,680 I and my fellow Australians would beg to differ. 350 00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:38,079 Listen to me very carefully, Georgiana. 351 00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:41,359 You need this family far more than we need you. 352 00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:45,359 So knuckle down and pick a dress. 353 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:47,800 Fuck. You. 354 00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:55,000 Open the fucking door! 355 00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:59,559 CHUCKLING: Door idiot! 356 00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:01,919 Right, you lot, listen up. 357 00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:04,719 Let's clear her schedule to announce the engagement 358 00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:07,239 for three weeks' time. Someone said yes? 359 00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:08,719 Is he poor? Is he ugly? 360 00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:11,239 The when is more important than the who. 361 00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:13,839 So, let's push on as if someone has. 362 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:16,119 Now, you'll need to set up an exclusive interview. 363 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:17,559 And she's agreed to all of this? 364 00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,639 No, but she will when she's calmed down. 365 00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:22,079 He must be poor and ugly. Where is the Queen now? 366 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:25,199 Oh, stomping about in the garden like the overgrown child she is, 367 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:27,079 I expect. She'll be back in soon. 368 00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:30,679 But if she isn't, hard boil a couple of eggs. 369 00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:32,560 She's like a heat-seeking missile. 370 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:37,799 REGGAE VERSION OF "GEORGIE PORGIE" PLAYS 371 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:42,239 ♪ Kissed the girls and made them cry, I don't know why 372 00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:44,600 ♪ Oh, why, why, why 373 00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:49,839 ♪ When the girls came out to play 374 00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:51,919 ♪ Georgie Porgie ran away... ♪ 375 00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,600 - DOG BARKS - Oh! 376 00:16:53,603 --> 00:16:56,039 You all must bring your A-game. 377 00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:58,679 A royal wedding must run like clockwork. 378 00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:01,839 Sir, we've searched the entire premises, she's nowhere to be found. 379 00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:04,519 Trust me, I can guarantee you she'll be hiding in the grounds, 380 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:05,879 waiting for us to run after her. 381 00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:07,719 Oh, my God, we've actually lost the Queen. 382 00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:10,119 Thank you. What if she's hurt? What if she's kidnapped? 383 00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:11,640 What if she's hungry? 384 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:22,799 Do you serve anything that doesn't taste of a feral cat's urine? 385 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:24,239 Don't think so. 386 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,959 Then I'll have another, thank you. 387 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:29,879 You look familiar, darl. Do I know you? 388 00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:31,639 I doubt it. 389 00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:33,319 Unless we go to the same AA group. 390 00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:35,959 That's it! How are you? 391 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:39,039 Bonza. Or ripper. 392 00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:41,319 CHUCKLING: Good on ya, love. You want to...? 393 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:43,399 No, I don't. Leave me alone. Got it? 394 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,800 Loud and clear, darl. Loud and clear. 395 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:53,120 HOARSELY: I mean, that's like pipe cleaner. 396 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,799 Well, isn't this wizard? 397 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:06,639 Everyone running around looking for her sorry arse. 398 00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:08,839 How fucking selfish. 399 00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:10,439 I'll put out an immediate alert. 400 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:13,319 You'll do no such thing. I'm in charge here. 401 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:15,799 We're wasting precious time, we need to alert the feds. 402 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:18,479 Absolutely not. 403 00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:21,279 It cannot get back to the Palace that she's gone missing. 404 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:24,479 Oh, my dear boy. How very foolish of you to believe that the Palace 405 00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:26,639 won't get wind of this within the hour. 406 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:29,999 And that it's has happened on your watch, to boot. 407 00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,800 I can only imagine your mother's wrath. 408 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,119 Find her! 409 00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:43,879 HECTIC PUNK MUSIC PLAYS 410 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,999 You're my best friend and you're my best friend... 411 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,160 More cat piss, please, sir. 412 00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:55,119 ♪ She's a piss pot through and through... ♪ 413 00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:56,359 That is good. 414 00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:57,639 That's the good stuff, sir. 415 00:18:57,640 --> 00:18:58,680 Down! 416 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:02,919 Three things Australian. 417 00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:05,039 Tim Tams, tinnies... dingos. 418 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:06,760 Ugh! Ha-ha! Your turn, your turn! 419 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,760 TRANQUIL PAN-PIPE MUSIC 420 00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:18,839 PUNK RESUMES 421 00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:21,239 This is my pub. 422 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,079 These are my friends. 423 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:24,919 And you are not welcome here. 424 00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:27,359 Who do you think you are?! 425 00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:30,079 Security cameras have her slipping out the back entrance. 426 00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,879 This is low-key exciting. 427 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,159 Ow! 428 00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:35,759 Low-key exciting? The Queen is missing! 429 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:37,199 Oh, has that happened too? 430 00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:40,040 ALL: Alice, who the fuck is Alice?! 431 00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:44,879 I've had that one. I've had that one. 432 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:47,759 I've had that one. Jerk. 433 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:50,239 That's what they call it, jerk. 434 00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:52,439 Oh, God! 435 00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:55,960 Oh, God, it would be you who finds me. My money was on Marc. 436 00:19:57,040 --> 00:20:00,359 What's that face doing? Is that relief or disgust? 437 00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:03,719 I'm torn. It's mostly relief. Oh, is it? 438 00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:05,279 Definitely disgust. 439 00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:07,999 Oh! Well, that's good, because we're not sharing. 440 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,559 OK, we need to get you out of here, it's not safe. 441 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:12,679 Oh, no worries, darl. 442 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:14,159 I've got my own security. 443 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,399 Wendy's got my back, don't you, love?! 444 00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:17,679 Abso-fucking-tootly! 445 00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:19,440 SHE MIMICS WENDY WITHOUT WORDS 446 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:22,359 Where do these people come from? 447 00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:23,999 Mmm-hmm. We need to go, Ma'am. 448 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,479 That brother of mine must be pretty scared. 449 00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:28,559 He's on his third pair of pants. 450 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:29,959 Perfect. 451 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:32,679 OK, I need to tell the others we're here. No, no, no. 452 00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:35,239 I do not want to go. I can't go home yet! 453 00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:37,479 Ken and I haven't had our nachos. 454 00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:39,639 Oh, OK. I don't know about Ken... 455 00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:42,159 He's my best friend. Fine. That's my hat. Not true. 456 00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,279 But you're the Queen of Australia... Thank you. 457 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:46,599 And you're in the middle of a dive bar. Yeah. 458 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,599 So, I'm really sorry, but I need to get you home. 459 00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:50,920 Oh, shut up. 460 00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:55,319 What the fuck? Zoe, one drink. 461 00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:57,479 No. Drink with me. No! 462 00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:59,719 Drink with us. Absolutely not. 463 00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:03,839 No, no, no, of course not, Mummy, I can't imagine who's told you that. 464 00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:07,759 No, no, look, look, look - rest assured, she'll be sulking 465 00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:11,759 in a corner, waiting to be cajoled out of one of her moods. 466 00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:14,159 What? CHUCKLING: Oh, yes, yes. 467 00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:17,479 Nothing a few hard-boiled eggs won't fix, eh? 468 00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:19,479 Yes. Yes, all right, Mummy. 469 00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:22,640 All right, love you. Bye-bye. Mwah-mwah. Bye. 470 00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:26,319 How can this be happening?! 471 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:29,919 I was exactly the same when I got here. 472 00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:32,599 You mean the seasons being reversed thing? 473 00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:35,999 What? I don't believe it either. 474 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:38,599 Ah, Bernard, for the love of God, tell me there's some news. 475 00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:40,039 Indeed there is, Sir. 476 00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:44,239 The Prime Minister's here for her weekly audience with the Queen. 477 00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,599 You, baby hands, go and stall her. 478 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:47,959 Me? With what? 479 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:50,399 Just...! Just do it! 480 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:51,639 OK. 481 00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:53,079 Love you, Andy! 482 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:55,919 Alcohol's the best, I don't know why I don't drink it more. 483 00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:59,159 I know why. May I speak freely? Go on. 484 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:03,839 You are a narcissistic, insensitive, bile-ridden... 485 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:06,759 Not as freely as that. ..overbearing, undereducated, 486 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:08,959 first-class bitch. 487 00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,079 Good talk. But I will say this... 488 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:12,759 I would urge you to reconsider. 489 00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:15,919 After seeing the way your family treats you, 490 00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,319 beginning to understand why. 491 00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:19,959 Thank you. 492 00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,280 I appreciate that. 493 00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:28,439 Are we done? 494 00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:29,960 Abso-fucking-tootly! 495 00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:32,559 Excellent. 496 00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:36,279 Now, let's get ruined! Whoo! 497 00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:39,119 So, yeah, you can appreciate, it's been very stressful. 498 00:22:39,120 --> 00:22:41,599 She has never behaved like this before 499 00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:44,919 and the worry is that she has gone completely off the rails. 500 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:47,119 I'm sure your fiancee will be in touch soon. 501 00:22:47,120 --> 00:22:49,279 Long-distance relationships can be very testing. 502 00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:51,359 I had these handmade out of my grandmother's... 503 00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:52,919 Yes, I wish you all the best. 504 00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:54,719 Now, will the Queen be very much longer? 505 00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:56,400 I do have a country to run. 506 00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:01,759 CHUCKLING: I do apologise, Prime Minister. 507 00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:03,799 Perhaps we can reschedule? 508 00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:06,319 Her Majesty has been unavoidably delayed. 509 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:08,959 Hmm, so it would seem. 510 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:11,479 HE CHUCKLES 511 00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:13,039 HE CHUCKLES POINTEDLY 512 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:14,920 MATTHEW CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY 513 00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:21,799 Whoo! I hope that's your Taser, cobber. Ha-ha! 514 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:23,080 Aw, no. 515 00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:30,279 Well, I'd like to say it's a first, but it's not. 516 00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:33,839 Oh, hello, Marky-Marc, with a C! 517 00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:36,400 You've missed a hell of a party! 518 00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:44,119 Hands up if you've just been arrested for buying cocaine from 519 00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:45,720 an undercover police officer? 520 00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:48,999 Just us, then? 521 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,759 Oh, and you're here. Excellent. 522 00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:53,319 Your Majesty. 523 00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:55,119 Another proud day for the monarchy. 524 00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:56,959 Isn't it just? 525 00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:59,719 Don't worry, I'm sure this can all be sorted. 526 00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:01,879 Nothing the men in grey haven't seen before. 527 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:05,199 Isn't that right, Fred? Are you out of your tiny, addled mind? 528 00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:07,439 And you thought we'd reached the nadir when 529 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:08,919 that koala sat on your face. 530 00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:12,040 Have you any idea of the damage...? I'll marry the zookeeper. 531 00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:15,239 I may live in a gilded cage 532 00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:17,840 but I'll decide what colour the bars are painted. 533 00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:22,599 You got what you came for, Sally. 534 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:24,959 So, if we're all square, 535 00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:27,600 be a good boy and get the fuck out of my country. 536 00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:33,279 Ooh. 537 00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:36,000 Somebody should probably let Teddy know he's pulled. 538 00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:47,559 ♪ Don't look back in to the sun 539 00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:50,079 ♪ Now you know the time has come 540 00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:55,559 ♪ And they said it would never come for you, oh-oh-oh 541 00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:58,119 ♪ Oh, my friend, you haven't changed 542 00:24:58,120 --> 00:25:00,759 ♪ You're looking rough and living strange 543 00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:06,119 ♪ And I know you got a taste for it too, oh-oh-oh 544 00:25:06,120 --> 00:25:11,319 ♪ They'll never forgive you but they won't let you go, oh, no 545 00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:17,079 ♪ She'll never forgive you but she won't let you go, oh, no 546 00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:19,399 ♪ Don't look back into the sun 547 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:22,039 ♪ You've cast your pearls but you're on the run 548 00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:27,439 ♪ And all the lies you said, who did you save? 549 00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:30,319 ♪ And then they played that song at the Death Disco 550 00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:33,199 ♪ It started fast but it ends so slow 551 00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:34,799 ♪ And all the time... ♪ 552 00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:37,320 GEORGIE GASPS AND COUGHS 553 00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:41,680 Anabel, get me a towel! 554 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:47,360 And someone get me an egg cup.