This programme contains some strong language
MUSIC: Water Music by George Frideric Handel
Stand up, please.
Hello. Your Royal Highness.
What a remarkable school you have here,
filled with absolutely wonderful children.
Thank you. These are some of our best and brightest.
And I hear you're celebrating an anniversary.
That's right. Clayton House is celebrating our 75th year
of teaching ambitious learners and creating future leaders.
Marvellous, and how wonderful they all are.
One of our pupils is a huge admirer of Your Royal Highness and has made
a special gift to commemorate your visit.
Hello there. What's your name?
Molly Esmond.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Molly Esmond.
I'm Princess Georgiana.
What have you got there?
Erm, it's the palace where you live.
Aren't you a clever girl?
Thank you.
And you've even got some of my favourite artwork in there.
Yes. This is the portrait of Agatha Bas by Rembrandt.
And this one is by Rubens.
And this one is by...
VOMITS
Oh, God.
CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK
Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry.
Oh, my goodness me.
Oh, it's all right.
I'm sure it'll be absolutely fine.
Sorry.
Oh, gosh. Well, there we go.
Take a seat.
Sorry, darling.
Oh, sweetheart, are you all right?
You smell like my grandad.
Thank you.
He's an alcoholic.
Well, Princess Georgiana might have had a bit of a late night,
but she's all better now, so...
So...
And for being such a brave young lady, Molly,
I'm... I'm going to make it up to you.
VOMITS
SHUTTERS CLICK
Shall we get going?
Well, another Georgie story coming up.
She is splattered, excuse the pun,
across the headlines this morning.
She just lurches from one scandal to the next.
Will this woman single-handedly bring down the monarchy?
I didn't think so, until she sicked on a child.
Can someone not just stop this woman?
I mean, what... What's happened? Am I allowed to say that?
Waste of space. Waste of time.
Waste of money as well.
Exactly.
How can you be sick on somebody?
She hasn't got the decorum that the royals require.
Can this woman ever put a foot right?
She is a total embarrassment.
A disaster for this country.
Can we please throw her out to an island on her own
and never have to talk about her again?
She's a bloody numpty, mate.
I mean, it is beyond embarrassing now, isn't it?
I mean, the original party princess,
but she has gone beyond the pale now.
What are they going to do with her?
Your Royal Highness.
So, the palace's private secretary also moonlights as a baby-sitter.
That's very kind of you, Michael.
That you haven't been returned to the palace
in the back of a police car is gratitude enough, ma'am.
Come on, then.
Give me my talking to.
I will pretend to care, you'll pretend to believe me
and we can both be on our way.
Are you aware Australia has a new Prime Minister?
Sure.
Well, she is considering...
She! OK!
She is considering a referendum
to have Australia leave the Commonwealth.
Who cares? It's Australia.
Well, if Australia were to fall, ma'am, it could start
a domino effect, causing other countries to leave one by one
until none are left.
Will there be a quiz on this later?
Your parents believe that a sovereign on Australian soil
could turn back this rising tide of republican discontent.
Another royal visit? Already?
Weren't they just there like 12 years ago?
They're not going to visit.
You're going, for good.
Would you mind repeating that?
After much consideration,
it's been decided that your mother, the Queen, will abdicate her throne
and that you will be installed as their queen.
What are you talking about?
We think it best to put a bit of distance
between you and the palace.
And by a bit of distance, I mean 10,555 miles.
There's also the chance, given real responsibility,
that you may grow up and do your family proud for once.
Plus Australia get their own monarch,
which should shut them up for a while.
It would create a constitutional crisis!
I'm not even the heir, Freddy is.
All resolved and approved by government. Very exciting.
They wouldn't. They have. They couldn't. They can.
I want to speak to my parents.
Sadly, they're unavailable.
However, they did press upon me to wish you a very bon voyage.
SHE SCREAMS
Prime Minister, there's a real sense that Australians are resenting
this idea of having a queen foisted upon them.
As a republican yourself, how are you squaring it?
I'm sure Queen Georgiana will be an asset and I'm confident
Australians will join me in welcoming her to our great country.
She's a pretty divisive figure.
Isn't she just going to be our problem now?
I can assure you this is only good news and I'm sure Her Majesty
is very excited to be joining us as our very own...
Queen of fucking Australia.
Unbelievable. You vomit on one little girl.
It's not like I killed her.
Can you imagine where they'd be sending us if you had?
If I had what? If you had killed that sweet little girl.
Kentucky.
Isn't there something you should be doing, Anabel?
I should probably floss my teeth.
As my lady-in-waiting?
Floss your teeth?
Or I could sort out your arrival outfit.
That one. Good choice.
I can floss your teeth later.
This is your captain speaking.
We will be arriving in Sydney in 14 hours.
I can hear you breathing, Matthew. What do you want?
Actually, it's... Yes?
It's just that... Never mind.
I have the menu for the welcome reception.
Read the mask.
Right.
You're very nervous.
Sorry. It's my first day and... It's irritating.
Sorry, ma'am.
Don't call me ma'am.
I won't. How dare you!
You just said not to...
I didn't mean it. Or did I?
I'm very difficult to read, Matthew.
I'm an oxymoron.
I despise pomp, yet crave circumstance.
Have fun with that.
No, yes, yes, no, not if it's Australian.
Yes, no, not if I'm hung over,
only if I'm hung over.
God!
These two are a joke.
What could you possibly think the panicky Aussie
and my halfwit cousin bring to the table?
New queen, new start, new staff.
I don't mind that they're new, Bernard.
I mind that they suck a big dog's dick.
Majesty, I beg you to please curtail your language.
At least try to keep in mind that you are now the Queen of Australia.
Well, there's lucky, because in Australia that language
is positively regal.
If I were you, I wouldn't try to mock the people I need to win over.
If you were me, Bernard, this thong would be awfully tight.
I'm just saying it would be a lot easier
if I could have kept my old staff.
Yes, but, sadly, it appears there's no such thing as loyalty
to the crown when you are wearing it.
Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?
"Yes, but, sadly, it appears there's no such thing"
"as loyalty to the crown when you are wearing it."
That's not even true.
My staff were loyal, dutiful and dedicated.
"A spoiled, incompetent mess."
"Lazy, belligerent, with no sense of purpose."
"An awful, awful, awful experience."
"Actually, may I add another awful to that?"
Do you know where these are from?
Reviews of the latest Avatar?
Exit interviews of your loyal, dutiful and dedicated staff.
Are you sure? Because I've seen the latest Avatar.
Point being, no-one who has worked for you could be dragged here.
So why did you come?
I work for your parents, not you.
As a favour, they asked me to come out of retirement
and act as your private secretary,
and out of devotion to them and the crown, I complied with their wishes.
Hm. What's the real reason?
Retirement told me many things.
The most interesting being, I loathe my wife.
Mm. Me too.
This is the outfit you planned for my arrival in Australia?
A woollen suit?
Uh, a vintage Chanel woollen suit.
In 45-degree heat?
Erm, I don't think so. We're in the middle of January.
We're also in the Southern Hemisphere?
So the seasons are reversed?
So what month is this, then?
It's still January, but it's their summer.
But it's still winter for us, though.
Not if we're in Australia, you vacant tart.
Right.
You still don't get it, do you?
Not yet.
Oh, now I get it.
That outfit is wholly inappropriate for the season.
The sweat is already pouring down my thighs.
That's the beauty of wool - it'll absorb it in no time.
SHUTTERS CLICK
HUBBUB
Ma'am, this is Officer Marc Kemarre, head of your new security detail.
Your Majesty. Officer Kemarre is a highly decorated
tactical assault commando in the Australian Special Forces.
He is also a Black Hawk helicopter pilot who has served in...
Some war somewhere. Thank you.
Tell me, does this impressive skill set include driving cars?
It does. Air-conditioned ones? Yes.
Well, then, could you tell me why I'm not in one right now
instead of standing out here while my hair melts?
Right this way, ma'am.
PRESS CLAMOUR
Dear God. Get these tights off me.
Get these tights off me!
Get these tights off me now.
I'm assuming those were all official palace photographers back there
so they won't put out anything unflattering.
I'm not sure that's the case in Australia.
They've released them?
Erm, no. Yes, they have.
How bad are they?
They're not bad at all. Do I look sweaty? No.
Do I look fat? No!
Oh, God, do I look like my mother? You looked great.
Liar! Show me.
I'd rather not.
Show me now or I will have those tiny little girl hands cut off.
Oh, my God.
I look like I finished a marathon and celebrated with a stroke.
I don't, I don't think you look...
Why would you show me those?
What? Why on God's green earth would you show me these?
You told me to. That is no excuse.
You said you'd cut off my hands.
That is still happening.
God save the Queen.
May I present the Australian Prime Minister Rebecca Stewart?
Your Majesty, it's a pleasure to welcome you to Australia.
Is it? I doubt that.
You've had the whole country all to yourself
and now here we are having to go sharesies. That's got to hurt.
Not at all.
It's a privilege to play a part in this historic event.
It's an exciting time for Australia and I'm here to be of service to you
in any way I can.
Well, you can start by telling me what that monstrosity is.
This is a specially commissioned piece of art to celebrate
the beginning of your reign.
It's made from hand-dried native flowers collected from
national parks of every state in Australia.
You look like a thinner version of me. Was that deliberate?
Ma'am, may I introduce you to Weiwei Weng?
Weiwei has been master of the household for the last 16 years.
Your Majesty, may I introduce you to Jack?
Jack has been... I'm just going to stop you there.
If you intend on doing that to every person lined up here,
that's a hard pass from me.
Don't get me wrong, I love the whole Downton Abbey vibe.
Cannot get enough of that shit.
But let's face it, I'm not going to remember anyone's name, am I?
No offence, Weng Weng. It's Weiwei, ma'am.
Weiwei Weng. Not Weng Weng Weng.
I rest my case, case, case.
And these are your living quarters, ma'am.
Well, I can see why it's called Macquarie House,
not Macquarie Palace.
Why have they put us in storage?
Oh, no, no, no. This will never do.
Depressing, shoddy, cringe,
German. You getting all this down?
You threw away my laptop.
Oh, and that's my fault now, is it?
No.
Hey, I'm Zoe.
I'm your new director of communications.
Wow, nice digs.
So, erm, how was the flight?
Are you just slumped AF with jet lag?
Nice to meet you, Zoe.
I am rather slumped, yes, thank you for asking.
If I may be so bold, the correct way to address me is ma'am,
not hey. Unless, of course, you're suggesting we throw 1,200 years
of protocol out the window because you've had your face pierced.
So rude.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
I just thought... Yes, well, please don't.
It's highly overrated.
Isn't that right, Anabel?
Tuna melt, if they have it.
So if you wanted... And while we're at it,
taking a seat while the Queen is standing is another no-no.
Isn't he sitting? I don't count. I too am slumped AF.
I was under the impression I was hired because you wanted
the Australians to see you as an equal.
Why on earth would I want that?
To help modernise the monarchy?
Are you a republican?
Republican? No, I wouldn't call myself a republican,
although I have seen The Princess Diaries like 20 times.
But I guess I'm open to asking the question.
What question is that?
Whether being born... into unearned privilege
is an outdated... concept.
That is the exact definition of a republican.
Let's get rid of this one before she cuts off my head.
Wait, wait, wait. Ma'am, if I could just plead my case.
I am very good at what I do.
I'm at the cutting edge of PR and social media,
I'm very well connected and I will make it my mission
to turn your reign into a global sensation
that is the envy of the world.
Can you introduce me to the Hemsworth brothers?
All three of them.
Then you may stay.
Didn't know there were three.
Thank you, ma'am. You won't regret it.
So, getting started. Tonight's welcome reception...
Hold on, not tonight, I've been travelling for 24 hours.
I know, long haul's a killer, but this was agreed two weeks ago.
Yes, but not for today. I agreed to do it tomorrow.
No. When you agreed to it, today would have been tomorrow.
No, tomorrow would have been tomorrow.
No, tomorrow would have been two days after today.
I think the mix-up is you agreed to do it tomorrow because you didn't
realise that tomorrow was today in Australia.
Because when you agreed to do it tomorrow, you were in England,
where it was yesterday.
What are you, a fucking Time Lord now?
Just got back from the planet of the tiny doll hands?
How are we only now figuring out the bloody time difference?
Planet of the tiny doll hands! That's funny.
OK, right. That's... Just get out.
Please, everyone, just get out.
I'll just have my tuna melt in my room. Out!
Well, that could have gone better.
I... hate... Australia!
That's why they've sent me here.
Punishment.
When I was 13, they shipped me off to boarding school in Canberra
for a year. It was misery.
I was bullied relentlessly.
They called me all sorts of names.
Ranga, Pom pig, bush pig,
Mick Hucknall, Princess Drongo, Princess Pisspot...
I'm sorry you were on the receiving end of some hurtful
albeit highly amusing nicknames,
but let's not lose sight of why you're here, ma'am.
Your shenanigans have brought the British monarchy
to a near collapse. Not something one particularly wants on one's CV.
Nor is a CV something one particularly wants.
Nevertheless, you're going to be needing one if you cock this up
and they cut you off, because that's what's on the cards, my dear.
This is your last chance to continue living as a royal.
It's Australia or bust.
I'm a PR disaster, Bernard.
How am I going to pull this off?!
Now's the time to dig in, ma'am.
For once, show yourself to be an asset
rather than a liability.
I won't lie,
it won't be easy for someone like you.
None taken.
However, I do believe somewhere inside your spoilt, insolent,
brattish being there lies a queen ready to burst out.
Thank you, Bernard.
Sadly, that might be the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I know.
Question. Hm?
What if this queen ready to burst out
ends up being so majestically on point the whole Commonwealth
wants a piece of her?
Let's not get ahead of ourselves, Princess Pisspot.
There's every chance she'll fuck things up by this time tomorrow.
By which I mean today.
Your Majesty.
Mick Hucknall!
HE LAUGHS
I can hear you.
Jesus Christ, Anabel, stop faffing about.
Sorry, I'm just trying to push in your back fat.
- ZOE GASPS - Holy shit. Look at you.
You look hot as hell right now.
Oh, I'm glad you've taken my note about decorum on board, Zoe.
All right, then. Are we all set?
Everybody's waiting, room's packed.
Dignitaries, titans of industry, media moguls. This is your moment.
It's showtime. Good luck, ma'am.
You're going to be amazing.
Just be yourself. Yeah, just be myself.
Team Queen.
Are you ready to start your reign?
I was born ready.
Make sure they don't photograph her from behind.
♪ Hands up and touch the sky
♪ Yo, yo, we gon fly tonight... ♪
Ready, ma'am? Yes. Let's go.
Your Majesty, may I present, the Prime Minister of New Zealand,
Mr George Martin. How do you do?
♪ I got the ride, I got the cribs
♪ I got the chicks, I got the money, money, money... ♪
Drink up. It's all free.
Oh, no, I think it's too cheap.
Hello.
You two!
Thank you so much.
He still owes me money.
It's lovely to meet you.
Prime Minister. Your Majesty.
May I introduce Richard Steele, CEO of Steele Media?
Your Majesty. How do you do?
Very well, thank you. We were just discussing
the Prime Minister's initiative to help end world hunger by 2030.
2030?
Let's not rush into anything.
It's not like there's anyone starving to death
right now, is there?
If I may ask, where DO your passions lie?
Which causes do you intend to champion?
Oh, you know, the poor, the meek, the mild -
all the big hitters, really.
We will be outlining all the Queen's Patronages in the coming weeks.
Child labour. Excuse me?
That's another one.
Against it, not for it.
Unless, of course, they enjoy it.
Pride in one's work can be very empowering.
It's a complicated issue, for sure.
I think you're going to be very good for business.
Awfully sorry to interrupt.
I need to steal Her Majesty away for a moment. Do excuse me.
Did you hear? What am I passionate about?
Oh, let me think - getting the fuck out of Australia.
Does that answer your question, you nosy twat?
Oh, we need to find a charity for mild people I can put my name to.
I shall get right on to that.
What's this?
Sorry. Hello. Sir, hello?
You, sir.
Its Weiwei, ma'am.
Yes, way, way too many vowels.
Why are we serving these?
I specifically said only serve these if I'm hung over.
Is Her Majesty not hung over?
Why would you think she is?
I would say mainly this.
Go away, Weiwei. Ma'am.
Ma'am, we have an issue with your speech.
No, I'm absolutely not cutting the koala joke.
They're going to love it. No, we don't HAVE the speech.
What? It was on my laptop that you threw out the window.
My brand-new laptop that was a good-luck-in-your-new-job gift
from my fiancee. So new, in fact, that it hadn't been backed up yet.
But I'm over that now.
And great news, I've remembered most of it.
Introduction.
Something nice about Australia.
The bit you thought was boring about UK-Aussie relations.
Beef.
Thank yous.
Smile.
Beef? One of our main exports.
It wasn't in the original speech, but I thought it might give you
something to run with. You have got to be joking.
How can I stand up there without a speech?!
Ladies and gentlemen, Her Majesty Queen Georgiana of Australia.
APPLAUSE You're going to be amazing. Am I?
Team Queen. I'm going to have you killed.
My fellow Australians,
it is an honour to stand here before you as your Queen.
I do so with humility and pride, and I pledge to serve you always
and honour this duty bestowed upon me.
APPLAUSE
Australia is a magnificent country.
Rich in its unique culture and traditions and renowned,
of course, for its... beef.
Australia's cattle rearing and subsequent butchery of livestock
are the envy of slaughterhouses around the world.
I know if I were a cow, I'd choose to have my throat slashed
on Australian soil.
MURMURING
The... longstanding ties between the United Kingdom and Australia are...
ongoing and remain...
a thing.
So that's good.
If I may speak freely -
and let's face it, who's going to stop me? -
truth be told, this wasn't my planned speech.
LAUGHTER
Hardly surprising, given the detour about beef.
LAUGHTER
To be completely honest, I'm so jet-lagged I don't even know
if I'm facing the right way.
SHOUT FROM THE BACK
Oh, I didn't quite catch that,
but I'm going to assume you're on side, sir.
I am, after all, your Queen,
and reserve the right to throw you in the tower.
We still do that, you know.
And don't think we haven't got one here because I asked them
to build it before I arrived.
So, two lesbian koalas walk into a bar...
SILENCE
Just be yourself?!
The last person you should be telling me to be is me.
And how dare you let me tell that joke?
They found it highly offensive.
It's already trending on Steele News.
Jesus Christ, do you have control over anything?!
I thought the beef stuff went well.
I thought the beef stuff went well too.
Actually, I thought the beef stuff saved us.
Didn't you, Matthew? Team Queen.
Team Shit!
That's what you all are.
Team Shit.
Is everything all right? Yes, thank you, Rebecca.
Everything's peachy! I'm just debriefing here with Team Shit.
Bet your team aren't shit, are they?
Bet you don't even need a team, do you?
Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?
IMITATES ACCENT: I'm the Prime Minister and I'm just perfect!
I'm going to end world hunger all by myself!
Hmm? Hmm.
It's been a long day, a lot of excitement.
Perhaps everyone should sleep on it
and tomorrow you can figure out where it all went so horribly wrong.
Ma'am.
We already know that bit!
It was Team Shit, and I'm getting T-shirts printed.
Super.
No, Anabel, it is not super.
It is very, very, very not super.
And I'm putting that on the back!
Except that might draw attention to the fat roll below your bra.
Fuck me!
Just put me down for an extra small.
Who's on T-shirts?
I'd like a minute to myself, please.
Sorry, Your Majesty. I can't let you be out here on your own,
for safety reasons.
Oh, it's all right. I'm not going to throw myself off.
I don't think my speech was that bad. Do you? No, ma'am.
Then again, I'm not a lesbian koala.
What's your name again?
Marc.
Bit boring, isn't it?
It's Marc with a C.
Cark?
The C's at the end.
Makes more sense.
Please leave me alone, I shall be fine.
This is a residential area, ma'am. It's my job to protect you.
Protect me from what? Someone stealing my Wi-Fi?
Are you supposed to take a bullet for me?
Let's hope it never gets to that.
But let's suppose. It's probably somewhere in the small print, yes.
I'm sure you've been briefed.
I'm a loose cannon, a fuck-up and a liability, if you will.
I believe it was headstrong and unconventional.
Which is British for a fuck-up and a liability.
At least it's not boring.
Well, sorry to disappoint everyone,
but there's a new queen waiting to burst out, apparently.
And she's not going to put another foot wrong,
even in this 10,000-miles-from-home dust bowl of an inferno.
None taken.
Goodnight.
Cark.
♪ Pleased to meet you
♪ Satan's my name
♪ I can make you sin
♪ I can make you feel pain
♪ I can twist
♪ I can make you seduce me
♪ Want to do the Watusi?
♪ You can call me Lucy
♪ Satan Satan's a woman
♪ Satan Yeah, I'm a woman
♪ Satan Satan's a woman
♪ Satan Oh, yeah, I'm the evil one. ♪