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Previously on Queen Of Oz...

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SCREAMING

3
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We need to talk - wedding dress.

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I'm going to kick
you in your throat.

5
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MUFFLED SPEECH

6
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I can do this all day.

7
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We're leaving.

8
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Where? Anywhere that isn't here!

9
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Is you in or is you out?

10
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ALL: Surprise!

11
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GUNSHOT YELPING

12
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Mark? Mum!
What's everyone doing here?

13
00:00:23,080 --> 00:00:25,759
Oh. Mate, you've done
well for yourself.

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Dad! Frank. What? It's a compliment.

15
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We can leave whenever you're ready,
Ma'am.

16
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What, and go back to wedding
planning central? No, thank you.

17
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I take it you had a nice time.

18
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I did.

19
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Thank you.

20
00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:38,919
Your Majesty.

21
00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:41,519
All anyone talks about lately
is wedding arrangements.

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It is approaching.
Yes, like an oncoming train.

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ANGELIC VOICES SING

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For be ye well assured that
so many as are coupled together

25
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otherwise and God's Word doth allow
are not joined together by God,

26
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neither is their matrimony lawful.

27
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Theodore Gorm Anderson, wilt thou...

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Stop! No, objection.

29
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Erm... WHISPERING: Sorry.

30
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I-Is there a problem, Your Majesty?

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Indeed there is.

32
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You said his middle name is Gorm?

33
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I... I beg your pardon?

34
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Have I m-mispronounced it?

35
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I certainly hope so.

36
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Gorm is short for Guttorm -
a Danish king.

37
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My family's traced its roots
all the way back to...

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Back to Hans Christian.
Nobody bloody cares.

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I'm not having millions of people
watch me marry a Gorm.

40
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Millions! It's not like
it's Gogglebox.

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Tomorrow's ceremony is going
to be glorious, Your Majesty.

42
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I doubt anyone will be worrying
about a middle name.

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Tomorrow's headlines -
Georgie's groom's a gormless Gorm.

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Everyone all right with that?
It's just pre-wedding jitters.

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You're looking for problems.
Perfectly normal.

46
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Change your name
or the wedding's off.

47
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Of course I will change the name.

48
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Nothing is going to stop me
putting a ring on your finger.

49
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Nothing?

50
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Not one single thing.

51
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Okey-dokes.

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REGAL MUSIC PLAYS

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It's your big day, ma'am.

54
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So today you might want to try
stumbling out of bed

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sometime before dusk.

56
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HE YELPS

57
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Must you always sound
like a trapped kitten?!

58
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You're awake? Yes, Weiwei.

59
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It's something I've managed
to accomplish every day of my life.

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Nearly every day.

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And we're still betting on
the last-minute exercise regime

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to squeeze into our dress?

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Well, seeing as the last-minute
eating disorder

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I prayed for was denied me,

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this is where we find ourselves.

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Now, why don't you piss off
downstairs and get me

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a litre of hot water
and 2oz of leafy green.

68
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And your bacon and pastries?

69
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Get rid of all that.

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I told you, I'm a vegan now.

71
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Oh, it's just melting right off.

72
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Your body is the consistency
of blended tofu.

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So save the body shaming
for your own mirror.

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Don't think that I don't already.

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FLOORBOARDS SHAKE

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Good Lord, that's not
a pretty sight.

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Well, that's a bit much
coming from someone

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who looks like a shucked oyster.

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Weiwei kept refilling my wine glass
at rehearsal dinner.

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So now I know how you must feel
most mornings.

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Hold on. You are hungover
the first day I'm not?

82
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Well, I'm going to need
a moment to savour this.

83
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If my head didn't feel as if it was
about to birth hyenas,

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I'm sure I would share
in the ironic delight.

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Suck it up, old boy.

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Breakfast of champions.

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Three paracetamol, pint of Ribena,

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four pickles, kosher, not dill.

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You'll be good as gold.

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Old family recipe?

91
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Arguably the only thing my family
passed down to me of any worth.

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That, and my third nipple.

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If I may, ma'am,

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I realise today might not
be what you envisaged,

95
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or more specifically, who,
but your self-sacrifice

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for the sake of the crown
has not gone unnoticed.

97
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Thank you, Bernard.

98
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If only my parents felt
the same way.

99
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:08,759
Their arrival today speaks louder

100
00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:10,879
than anything
they would ever say to you.

101
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You're right.

102
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And I am grateful for even
the smallest of gifts.

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God, I sound like
an inspirational pillow.

104
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Right. Everything's
running on schedule.

105
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Please, feel free
to start without me.

106
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If I'm late, it will be most
likely because

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my head has caved in on itself.

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10:50 - Final make-up and hair.

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11:10 - Her Majesty will be sewn
into her wedding dress.

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Good luck with that.

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12:35 - The royal carriage will take
her to the church

112
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for a 12:55 arrival,

113
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where His Royal Highness will escort
his daughter down the aisle.

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HE SOBS

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CHUCKLING: Oh, what? It's romantic.

116
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I'm sure I'm not the only one here.
You absolutely are.

117
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Sorry, I'm a crier. OK?

118
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I cry when I'm happy.
I cry when I'm sad.

119
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I cry when my fiancee strokes my...

120
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Oh, gosh! My goodness. Oh, mate.
MURMURING

121
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hand! When she strokes my hand.

122
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I wasn't going to say my...
WHISPERING: penis.

123
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- Stop saying things!
- MURMURING

124
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For God's sake...

125
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All right, everyone.

126
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So we've been over the post-wedding
details 1,000 times,

127
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so everybody already knows...

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Question.

129
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And this has to do with today,
Anabel?

130
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Yes, it does.

131
00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:16,639
What is it?

132
00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:19,440
Did anyone else find the Wi-Fi
a bit spotty on Thursday?

133
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What has that got to do with today?

134
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Because TODAY it's working fine.

135
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Oh, my God.

136
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Let me remind everyone
that the world will be watching.

137
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Now's our chance to right
all our previous wrongs,

138
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win the hearts of Australia,

139
00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:39,399
and prove that our Queen
deserves to sit on her...

140
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:40,839
On her...

141
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Throne. Fat arse.

142
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,039
What Bernard is trying to say,

143
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:49,119
but failing at disturbingly,
is simply -

144
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don't be shit.

145
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It's my wedding day,
so why don't we all go crazy and,

146
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for once, give competence a try?

147
00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:57,119
Absolutely. Yes. Yes, ma'am.

148
00:05:57,120 --> 00:06:00,119
Now, I know I don't
say this very often -

149
00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:01,519
or ever -

150
00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:03,919
but I do appreciate all of you.

151
00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:06,599
I know how much hard work
has gone into today.

152
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,239
And from the bottom of my heart,

153
00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:10,519
thank you.

154
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- Aw.
- HE SOBS

155
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So go and fucking do something.

156
00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:21,839
HE GROANS

157
00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:24,079
Fair chance it's a stroke,
given your age.

158
00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:27,199
Oh, honestly.
I'm perfectly all right.

159
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,319
Just a nap and I'll be gold as good.

160
00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:31,279
What the hell have you taken?

161
00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:34,680
Well, I just took those pills
you gave me.

162
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Erm...

163
00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:38,399
Oh.

164
00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:40,319
Ooh. What?

165
00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:42,439
You know how
I like to self-medicate?

166
00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:44,839
No. Well, I do.

167
00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:46,319
And I'm terribly sorry,

168
00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:48,119
I appear to have roofied you.

169
00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:49,279
Is that bad?

170
00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:51,479
Well, I mean, not for me,
it just takes the edge off.

171
00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:54,399
But, for you, I'd just be thankful
I'm not a woman in a nightclub.

172
00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:56,719
Oh, God.

173
00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:57,999
The wedding.

174
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,279
You said everything's taken
care of, though.

175
00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:02,239
Everything's in order, isn't it?

176
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:04,639
Yes...
Well, that's all right, then.

177
00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:06,120
The redding wings...

178
00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:10,999
What about the WEDDING RINGS?

179
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:12,480
- Bernard?
- HE MUMBLES

180
00:07:12,483 --> 00:07:14,719
What about the wedding rings?

181
00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:16,559
HE SIGHS

182
00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:18,039
HE HUMS

183
00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:21,119
SAFE BEEPS

184
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:23,039
HE GROANS
Pull your shit together, Bernard.

185
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:24,359
Not helping.

186
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:25,559
Sorry.

187
00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:27,439
Can you remember the password?

188
00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:29,039
Mm, something about you.

189
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:30,159
Queen!

190
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:31,479
No, I don't think that's it.

191
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:33,760
Let's... Oh, try rude.

192
00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:38,359
SAFE BEEPS

193
00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:39,599
Spoiled?

194
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:42,879
SAFE BEEPS

195
00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:44,559
Narcissist.

196
00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:45,840
You're on your own.

197
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,880
How many "L" s in trollop?

198
00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,479
Ma'am, we might have a small issue.

199
00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:53,879
Might or do?

200
00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:56,039
Do. We do have a small issue.
How small?

201
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:57,839
A large... Very large.

202
00:07:57,840 --> 00:07:59,719
I'm going to drop-kick
you in your head.

203
00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:02,519
It's your royal carriage.
Whatever it is, just fix it.

204
00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:04,159
Unfortunately, it's not that simple.

205
00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,999
There's been a case of equine herpes
virus myeloencephalopathy.

206
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:08,279
English, please.

207
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,479
Horse herpes. Horse herpes?!

208
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:11,719
Where have they been stabled?

209
00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:12,999
Ibiza in the '80s?

210
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:16,039
The head equerry says it's highly
transmissible and potentially fatal,

211
00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:17,919
and so they all need to be
quarantined.

212
00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:20,719
I just need them to pull the bloody
carriage, not suck each other off.

213
00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:22,159
That's what I told him.

214
00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:24,199
Well, not the...

215
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:25,439
SHE SMACKS LIPS

216
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:26,959
That is scissoring if anything,

217
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,399
you soft, little prune.
Yes, ma'am.

218
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:30,919
This is all your fault.

219
00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:32,799
I'm really just the messenger,
ma'am.

220
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:35,439
Even so, I'm still considering
throwing a bit in your mouth

221
00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:37,679
and having your prepubescent
legs pull me along!

222
00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:38,920
Yes, ma'am.

223
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:45,959
What is all this shit?

224
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:47,999
Where's all the real food?

225
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:49,159
I knew you'd be hungry,

226
00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:51,719
so you'll be pleased to know
I had the chef make you

227
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:53,999
a lovely lentil, broccoli
and tahini wrap.

228
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:57,039
No. I'll be pleased to know
you are getting me

229
00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:59,599
a lovely bacon cheeseburger -
no mayo.

230
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:03,119
No mayo? Oh, right. You don't want
to get fat before your wedding.

231
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:05,279
Make it double bacon.
But you're a vegan now.

232
00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:06,639
And by definition, veganism...

233
00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:09,319
A vegan is a person who will rip
someone's nose off

234
00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:11,119
their pompous face and eat it

235
00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:14,520
when they don't get the double bacon
cheeseburger they've ASKED for.

236
00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:17,159
Angry says, what?

237
00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:19,319
What? Is now a bad time, ma'am?

238
00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:21,759
If it's still today, then, yes.

239
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:23,639
Nerves getting the better of you.

240
00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:26,999
How would you feel if millions
of people were about to watch you

241
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,999
marry a man who was way,
way more than you deserve,

242
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,159
but at the same time,
not what you want?

243
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:35,439
I feel like I'd made some
very unexpected life choices.

244
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,639
If I may, I think Teddy's
a great guy.

245
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:38,999
So was Mahatma Gandhi.

246
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,319
I just wouldn't want to spend
the rest of my life with him.

247
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,039
Fair. Plus, I heard
he was selfish in bed.

248
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:44,519
LAUGHING: Hm-hm!

249
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:45,759
Look, you don't have to...

250
00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:47,519
Yeah, I know what you're
going to say.

251
00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:49,599
It's not too late to call
the whole thing off.

252
00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:51,039
No, it's way too late. Ah.

253
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:52,479
Which is a pity.

254
00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:53,799
And why is that?

255
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:56,639
Because everyone deserves
to be happy, even you.

256
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:59,119
Well, being royal requires
many things.

257
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,480
Unfortunately, being happy
isn't one of them.

258
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,679
Look, we...

259
00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:07,999
Hey, you two.

260
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,999
Uh... Big day. Oh, no, nothing.

261
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:12,639
Just... That was happening,
and it's delicious,

262
00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:14,079
and you should try that, so...

263
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,319
I don't know about delicious, but...

264
00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:17,839
W-What are you doing here?

265
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,359
Well, went on a cheeky coffee run.

266
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,239
Got everyone their faves.

267
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:24,119
Erm... Don't look at me.
That is bad luck.

268
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:26,159
Oh, come on. You don't believe
in all that, do you?

269
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:28,999
Uh, yes. Yeah, actually, I do.
Thank you. That's very kind.

270
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:31,799
Is this my... Yep. One shot,
two pumps, extra foam, kids' temp.

271
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:33,400
Love you. Shut up!

272
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:38,079
Ah, it takes a special kind
of person to love her.

273
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:39,480
That it does, sir.

274
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:43,079
REPORTER: Well, what a huge day
for Australia.

275
00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:46,039
The royal wedding,
the first on our soil.

276
00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:48,279
It's going to be a magnificent day.

277
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:51,279
REPORTER 2: We are excited
about this wedding.

278
00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:52,599
It's a day off!

279
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:56,799
I'd celebrate the return of smallpox
if it meant getting a day off.

280
00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:58,039
CHEERING

281
00:10:58,040 --> 00:10:59,599
The hot topic of the day?

282
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:01,119
The Queen's getting married.

283
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,279
It is incredibly exciting.
MAN: Yeah.

284
00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:05,919
The Queen's parents are
flying in today.

285
00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:07,959
Australia's agog,
lining the streets.

286
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,559
I'm really pumped for this.

287
00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:10,839
Good on you.

288
00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:13,079
Catch up later. OK?
We'll have a chat.

289
00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:14,839
Prime Minister. Richard.

290
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:17,559
If you're here, how all those
intrusive, misogynistic articles

291
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,079
going to get written about me?

292
00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:21,199
Oh, come on, Rebecca. Mm.

293
00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:23,359
Anyway, you're hardly getting
a look-in these days,

294
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:24,519
thanks to this one. Mm.

295
00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:26,919
I suppose that is one benefit
to having a queen.

296
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,399
I can't see it lasting much longer.

297
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:30,039
She's already trending downwards

298
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:32,399
and this facade's
just papering over the cracks.

299
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,839
No, we'll be back to splashing
your beach holiday photos

300
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:37,039
all over the front page in no time.
Don't you worry.

301
00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:38,959
I don't have time for
beach holidays, Richard.

302
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:41,079
I'm too busy writing laws
to crack down on tax havens

303
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:42,920
- for the super wealthy.
- HE CHUCKLES

304
00:11:42,923 --> 00:11:44,759
Touche, love.

305
00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:46,199
BERNARD: Disgrace.

306
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:48,519
BEEPING

307
00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:50,719
HE GROANS

308
00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:52,679
Ugh. Sh... Shambolic?

309
00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:53,920
SAFE BEEPS

310
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:00,920
Gingernut!

311
00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:06,080
Here she is.

312
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,599
Ooh! Wow. Wow. Stunning.

313
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:11,519
What a miracle, you actually fit.

314
00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:12,880
Beautiful.

315
00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:17,479
What are you doing in here?

316
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:19,399
I'm here to walk you down the aisle.

317
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:21,239
You most certainly are not.

318
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:22,399
Where's Daddy?

319
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:26,999
Yeah. Unfortunately, something came
up and they were unable to attend.

320
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:30,519
Now, let's just get this over
with - with no theatrics, please.

321
00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:32,239
Something came up?!

322
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:34,319
That's what people say
when they can't be bothered

323
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,759
to come up with a decent lie.
I know - I use it often enough!

324
00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:38,479
What kind of family doesn't
even turn up

325
00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:40,039
for their own daughter's wedding?!

326
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:43,719
Well, it's best not to think of us
as a family and more as a business.

327
00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:45,559
This was simply a business decision.

328
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:49,359
Interesting how the business had
no trouble being front and centre

329
00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:51,559
when you married
Horsey McHorseface!

330
00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:53,519
Oh, give it a rest.

331
00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:55,679
Not everything needs to
revolve around

332
00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:58,759
little Georgie Porgy's constant
feelings of neglect.

333
00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:00,159
You know why they're not here?

334
00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:02,639
Because they couldn't get
time off from Nando's?

335
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:04,679
Because they were concerned

336
00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:08,959
that you and your team of misfit
toys here would cock this up!

337
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:12,719
And based on the swirling rumours
of HORSE HERPES,

338
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:15,839
they're already looking
pretty bloody prescient.

339
00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:18,119
Well, I hate to break it
to you, Sally,

340
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:20,399
but my team have ironed
out the kinks,

341
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:23,119
and we are firing
on all cylinders now!

342
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:26,000
BERNARD: Ginger slut! Ha!

343
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:30,479
Excellent.

344
00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:33,399
Now, before you fire on any
more cylinders

345
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:36,119
and burn down the fucking church,

346
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:37,479
can we get this over with?

347
00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:38,999
I'm not walking with you!

348
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:40,839
I'm your only family here.

349
00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:43,719
Hello! Why does everyone always
forget we're related?

350
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:45,199
Oh, Anabel, I wish I could.

351
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,199
Oh, this is absurd. Let's go.

352
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:50,279
I am walking with someone
who treats me as family,

353
00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:51,559
not a business.

354
00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:53,280
- Bernard, would you...
- HE SNORES

355
00:13:53,283 --> 00:13:54,519
God.

356
00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,439
Zoe? I would, ma'am,
but I wonder about the optics.

357
00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,399
God, no-one cares you're gay!

358
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:00,799
I'm not gay.

359
00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:03,679
Ha! Ma'am, I would be so
incredibly honoured to be...

360
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:05,119
Nope.

361
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:07,800
I'm pretty sure we both
heard ourselves in the morning.

362
00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:10,559
Pass.

363
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,519
Awkward.

364
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:14,479
What about Hemsworth?

365
00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:16,239
The one with the big mallet thing.

366
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:17,439
Ah, he's a no-show, ma'am.

367
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,639
Well, it doesn't matter.
Any one of them will do.

368
00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:20,839
Even the short, sad one.

369
00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:22,320
They're all no shows, ma'am.

370
00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:26,920
Shall we get down to business?

371
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:34,799
REPORTER: Queen Georgiana is just
about to leave for the church.

372
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,759
There'll be much excitement to see
the carriage leave the gates

373
00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:39,439
of Macquarie House.

374
00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:40,639
Built in 1912,

375
00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:43,959
the royal carriage was first used
by the Queen's great-grandparents

376
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,800
on their first tour of Austr...

377
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:49,279
This is unexpected. The Queen is
heading to church in a...

378
00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:51,799
Mid-size SUV?!

379
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:53,479
We were expecting
to use the carriage,

380
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,879
so we sent the limo to pick
up the Portuguese ambassador.

381
00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:57,839
That's why we're in one
of our security cars.

382
00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:00,759
Oh, well, at least the Portuguese
ambassador will arrive in style,

383
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:02,959
unlike us - who look like
we've taken a bloody Uber!

384
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:05,439
Oh, do shut the fuck up, Fred.

385
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:07,039
Yeah, we should pick up
another fare.

386
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:08,720
Maybe go halfsies!

387
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,679
REPORTER: As Her Majesty makes her
way to the church,

388
00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:15,319
there's an air of expectation
as people wait for a glimpse

389
00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:17,239
of the Queen in her wedding dress.

390
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:19,399
It's really something
out of a fairy tale.

391
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:20,520
CHEERING

392
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:22,919
Oh, shut up. No, you shut...

393
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,119
Oh, shut up! No, you shut up.
Oh, shut up! You...!

394
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:27,079
How much longer?
I can't breathe in this dress

395
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:29,559
and the seat belt's ruining
the fucking veil.

396
00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:31,040
We are nearly there, ma'am.

397
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,599
Good things are happening
all the time.

398
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:39,199
Things always work out for me.

399
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,279
Good things
are happening all the time.

400
00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:42,919
Things always work...

401
00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:44,560
CHEERING

402
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:48,880
ENGINE STALLS

403
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,159
HE SIGHS

404
00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:54,519
I mean... Oh, fuck me.

405
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:57,039
Bingo Bobby Christmas.

406
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,319
CHEERING

407
00:15:58,320 --> 00:15:59,840
CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

408
00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:04,240
Shut the door.

409
00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:07,199
Such a laughing stock!

410
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,960
Fucking laughing stock, I am.

411
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:14,159
Well, which way? Where... Where...

412
00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:15,839
I don't know where we're going,

413
00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:17,320
we just have to get in.

414
00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:25,239
We love you, Georgie!

415
00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:26,280
Love you, Georgie!

416
00:16:26,281 --> 00:16:27,320
CHEERING

417
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:30,999
Thank you.
CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

418
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:32,760
- Oh, how lovely!
- CHUCKLING

419
00:16:32,763 --> 00:16:34,039
That's lovely, isn't it?

420
00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:35,560
Thank you so much. How are you?

421
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,279
If I'm not back in an hour,
call the police.

422
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:43,039
CHEERING

423
00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:44,679
SCATTERED: Love you. We love you.

424
00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:47,000
ORGAN PLAYS

425
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,080
SHE YELPS

426
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:14,720
Good luck.

427
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:30,079
Dearly beloved, we are gathered
here in the sight of God

428
00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,559
and in the face of this congregation

429
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:38,959
to join together this man
and this woman in holy matrimony.

430
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:40,399
You look radiant.

431
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:41,640
UNDER HER BREATH: No shit.

432
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:47,559
For be ye well assured that so many
as are coupled together other

433
00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:51,159
than God's word doth allow
are not joined together by God,

434
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:54,039
neither is their matrimony lawful.

435
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:57,279
Theodore Ace Anderson...

436
00:17:57,280 --> 00:17:58,439
Pretty cool, huh?

437
00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:01,119
Ridiculous... do you take this woman

438
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:03,359
to be your lawful...
Why are you sweating?

439
00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:04,559
Wedded...

440
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:05,799
I think I'm just excited.

441
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:08,679
Well, you're about to become
a royal, and we don't do excited.

442
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:11,719
And forsaking all others,

443
00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:13,839
keep thee only unto her

444
00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:16,560
so long as ye both shall live.

445
00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:19,920
I do.

446
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:25,839
THUD!

447
00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:27,359
GASPING

448
00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:28,439
Teddy. Teddy!

449
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:29,559
What are you doing?

450
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:31,599
Oh... No, I'm fine.

451
00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:33,319
What... Fine. Get up, then.

452
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:34,439
It's just something I ate.

453
00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:36,519
HISSING: Was it a car battery?
Can we do something?

454
00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:38,879
What do we do? I don't know...
I think it's the wrap.

455
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:40,159
There was no, erm,

456
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,599
sesame seed in that, was there?

457
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:44,879
Course not! It was just lentils
and broccoli and tahini.

458
00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:46,279
We've got a potential medevac.

459
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:49,359
Your Majesty, I believe
tahini is made from sesame seeds.

460
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:50,559
Of course it's not!

461
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:52,599
Oh, no, it is.
No, no, no - it's chickpeas.

462
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:55,199
I think I saw it on
Kitchen Nightmares.

463
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:58,399
You may be confusing tahini
with falafel, ma'am.

464
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:00,279
Oh, well, with all
the shouting on that show,

465
00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:02,079
how's anyone supposed
to follow anything?

466
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:04,640
I'll be fine.
I just, erm, need my EpiPen.

467
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:11,319
Allow me to do the honours, Ace.

468
00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:14,439
GASPING SHE SCREAMS

469
00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:16,999
The almighty embarrassment.

470
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:18,439
The whole world watching

471
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:22,159
and now my wedding is ruined
because of a fucking wrap!

472
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:24,879
This is why people
should not be vegan.

473
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:27,439
You never hear of anyone
having a meat allergy, do you?

474
00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:29,599
Actually, Alpha-gal syndrome is
particularly...

475
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:32,159
I'm going to kick
you in your throat.

476
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:34,519
I mean, my God,
when we get things wrong,

477
00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:36,319
we really go to town, don't we?

478
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:38,759
Team Shit strikes again.

479
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,600
Just help me, please.

480
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:44,119
So, what do we do now?

481
00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:45,919
I mean, he said, "I do,"
but you didn't.

482
00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:47,199
So you're only half-married.

483
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:49,559
I mean, do we have another wedding?

484
00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:51,719
No, we don't have another wedding.

485
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:54,319
We can't possibly!
We're barely hanging on as it is.

486
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:56,239
I can only imagine
what my parents will say.

487
00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:58,279
Oh, we could have
the Archbishop come here

488
00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:00,279
and finish the vows
when Teddy gets back.

489
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:02,839
Providing his face
hasn't blown up like a puffer fish!

490
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:04,639
Prime Minister, ma'am.

491
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:07,559
Oh, no.

492
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:08,759
Your Majesty.

493
00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:13,359
If you are here to talk about
infrastructure, spare me.

494
00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:16,559
You may have heard -
we've had a bit of a do this arvo.

495
00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:17,679
Yes, ma'am.

496
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:19,239
Tahini, one. Teddy, nil.

497
00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:21,479
It's been an unprecedented
day, for sure.

498
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:23,239
And now you're here to gloat.

499
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:25,199
Well, lap it up, Rebecca.

500
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:29,359
Bathe in the shimmering
glow of my humiliation.

501
00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:33,840
Happy now, you miserable
fucking Republican vulture?

502
00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:37,999
My God.

503
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:39,439
Felt good.

504
00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:41,080
- SHE CHUCKLES - Ma'am.

505
00:20:41,083 --> 00:20:42,399
He's gone.

506
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:43,519
Who?

507
00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:44,719
Teddy.

508
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:46,239
Gone where?

509
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:47,360
He's passed.

510
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:50,399
Away. He's passed away.

511
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:51,679
He's dead.

512
00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:53,080
FAINTLY: He's dead?

513
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:55,640
Teddy's dead?

514
00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:00,839
He's dead from...

515
00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:02,039
From what?

516
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:04,479
A rapid onset allergic reaction.

517
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:05,959
But - the EpiPen!

518
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,159
There was no epinephrine
found in his system.

519
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:09,600
It was somehow empty.

520
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:12,639
That's...

521
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:13,840
Gone?

522
00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:17,239
Oh.

523
00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:18,999
My.

524
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,639
God.

525
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:24,999
I killed a man. I killed a man.
I killed a man. I killed a man.

526
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,239
Ma'am, in no way are you
responsible.

527
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:28,399
Honestly, before today,

528
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:30,239
who the hell even
knew what was in tahini?

529
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:32,039
I did. I did. I did.

530
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:33,439
Practically no-one.

531
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:34,759
Chickpeas, sesame seeds -

532
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:36,159
does anyone really care?

533
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:37,879
Outside of Teddy,
no-one comes to mind.

534
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:40,999
And the defective EpiPen obviously
wasn't your fault either.

535
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,559
I'm not sure it was quite
as much defective

536
00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:44,799
as it was pre-used.

537
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:46,839
Pre-used? Dear God!

538
00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:49,079
Have I ever mentioned
how I like to self-medicate?

539
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:50,239
Stop! Say no more.

540
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:52,239
OK, ma'am,
Richard Steele is circling.

541
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:53,639
He can smell blood in the water.

542
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:57,439
Of course he is, because he's
a bloodsucking, avaricious leach.

543
00:21:57,440 --> 00:21:58,959
That reminds me,
I must call my wife.

544
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:00,919
OK. Perhaps we get out
ahead of anything he has.

545
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:03,199
We release a teary video
onto our socials and then...

546
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:05,959
And then that gives us a positive
bump in the right direction.

547
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:08,159
Oh, that's a good idea, Zoe.

548
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,559
The Queen announces her husband's
death on Tik Tok

549
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:12,319
while eating a bucket of hot wings?!

550
00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:14,319
TV CHIMES IN BACKGROUND

551
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,719
REPORTER ON TV: was captured live
during the ceremony.

552
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:18,279
GASPING

553
00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:19,560
Oh, God!

554
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:21,919
They were right.

555
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:24,919
I am a fuckup and a liability.

556
00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:26,999
I prefer headstrong
and unconventional.

557
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:28,519
I've had some shit days in my time,

558
00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:31,919
but, God, this is
the creme de la creme of shit days.

559
00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:33,839
Maybe not as unpleasant as Teddy's.

560
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:35,359
Right.

561
00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:37,159
Teddy.

562
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:39,839
Well, at least he's been spared
my final humiliation.

563
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:42,159
Disowned by my family and country.

564
00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:44,519
Not sure that's on par with
fatal anaphylaxis.

565
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:46,560
Double bacon cheeseburger, no mayo.

566
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:52,519
Not spat in it, have you?

567
00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:53,959
Not this time.

568
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:57,919
Well, little Georgie Porgy
has done it again, hasn't she?

569
00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:00,039
Oh, have mercy, Fred.
I know what's coming.

570
00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:01,759
There's no need to rub
my nose in it.

571
00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:06,119
I'm referring to your uncanny
ability to always land

572
00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:07,720
on your porky little feet.

573
00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:11,399
What are you talking about? Ma'am?

574
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:12,640
You need to see this.

575
00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:16,239
CROWD SINGING

576
00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:20,400
♪ How sweet the sound

577
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:29,880
♪ That saved a wretch like me

578
00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:35,479
♪ I once was lost

579
00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:38,079
♪ But now am found

580
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:39,400
♪ Was blind... ♪

581
00:23:39,401 --> 00:23:40,719
SINGING FADES OUT

582
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:42,279
That was incredibly moving.

583
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:44,799
How beautiful.
That song's a bit depressing.

584
00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:45,959
They love you.

585
00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:47,439
They finally love you.

586
00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:48,919
It's not for me, it's for Teddy.

587
00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:51,199
No, ma'am. There's so much sympathy
for you right now.

588
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:53,119
Your likability rating has shot up.

589
00:23:53,120 --> 00:23:54,199
For God's sakes, Zoe!

590
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:55,999
A man has died.

591
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:57,439
This is not the time to be...

592
00:23:57,440 --> 00:23:58,599
How high?

593
00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:00,639
Higher than you'd expect
for a floundering queen

594
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:03,079
who may or may not be responsible
for her husband's death.

595
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:04,759
I'll take it.

596
00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:06,919
Does the palace know about this?

597
00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:08,119
They do.

598
00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:09,279
And?

599
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:13,119
The message is, at this moment in
time, they are not entirely

600
00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:14,560
displeased with you.

601
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:22,239
Weiwei, champagne!

602
00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:24,359
We need to celebrate.
And think about Teddy.

603
00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:25,720
Think about Teddy.

604
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:28,919
Going to mourn.

605
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:30,360
With champagne.

606
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:37,799
INDISTINCT

607
00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:40,359
I guess we're staying - for now.

608
00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:42,959
The thought of being sent
home to my wife sends shivers

609
00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:45,960
down my spine,
so try not to balls it up, ma'am.

610
00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:48,599
No promises.

611
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,719
Right, you lot.

612
00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:52,680
Looks like we're stuck
with each other.

613
00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:56,719
Here's to Team Shit.

614
00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:58,799
ALL: To Team Shit. And Teddy.

615
00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:01,199
And Teddy. Right.

616
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:02,400
And Teddy.

617
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:13,479
HE GROANS

618
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:14,640
What happening?

619
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:17,639
It must be the grief.

620
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:19,480
AMUSED: I mean,
you can't be pregnant.

621
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:23,759
MUSIC: Flexin' by Tkay Maidza

622
00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:25,519
♪ I just step in

623
00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:27,399
♪ No conscience

624
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:28,680
♪ And I do it

625
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:32,440
♪ This is Tkay

626
00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:36,359
♪ I don't have a conscience,
and I won't act responsible

627
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:37,799
♪ When I pull up, I'm flexin'

628
00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:39,799
♪ You just do what
you're supposed to do

629
00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:42,759
♪ I don't have a conscience,
and I won't act responsible

630
00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:44,359
♪ When I pull up, I'm flexin'

631
00:25:44,360 --> 00:25:46,399
♪ When I pull up, pull up

632
00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:47,559
♪ Regular, regular

633
00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:49,559
♪ You're so regular
I am no short of spectacular

634
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:50,719
♪ Break it up, break it up

635
00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:52,839
♪ All of the cash,
stacking up fast, see me, I

636
00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:53,999
♪ Set it up, set it up

637
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:55,719
♪ Look at my bag, look at my hair

638
00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:57,199
♪ And I got multiple cellulars

639
00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:59,159
♪ One for Japan, one for your man

640
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:00,799
♪ I do what I want with
no conscience

641
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:02,119
♪ Name on my neck and I'm ballin'

642
00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:03,600
♪ Minding my business as always. ♪