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{\an8}This programme contains
strong language and adult humour.

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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Yeah, I know what you're thinking.
"Stewart Lee's let himself go."

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LAUGHTER

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Since you last saw me,
I've gone bald, I've gone blind,

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I've gone grey, I've gone deaf,
I've put on a lot of weight.

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I've put on so much weight,
I'm now the sort of person

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who buys his shirts at motorway
service station lorry drivers'

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clothing outlets, and I pay
for them with points earned

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on a loyalty card from
the West Cornwall Pasty Company.

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LAUGHTER

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I've developed high blood pressure.
I have to go in for a check-up

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every three months at my GP
in Hackney in north London.

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I went in about two months ago
and I sat down

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and the nurse sort of took a look
at me there and she made...

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She doesn't know who I am,
the nurse. She doesn't know that

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I'm The Times newspaper's world's
greatest living stand-up comedian.

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LAUGHTER

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A lot of people don't, do they?

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There's a couple of empty seats there.

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LAUGHTER

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No, she just sees a little grey,
fat old man,

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and she sat me down and she put
a comforting hand on my knee,

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the nurse, and she said to me,

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"Is there anyone
looking after you at home?"

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LAUGHTER

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Then she said, "Do you know, Mr Lee,
you're over 50 years old now.

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"You're over 50 years old.

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"If you go down to any Hackney
Council-funded leisure centre,

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"you now qualify for free sessions
of chair-based activity."

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LAUGHTER

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It's a low bar, isn't it,
chair-based?

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"Don't get him out of a chair.
He'll die."

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I... I stand up for living.
It is in my job title, literally.

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LAUGHTER

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So I was blind, I was bald,
I was deaf, I was grey, I was fat,

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medical professionals said
I shouldn't risk getting up

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out of a chair, so I was feeling
pretty depressed about myself.

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So in search of self-esteem,
I googled myself,

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right, which you must never do.

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And I found the most visited
reference to me on the internet,

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the thing most people
have read about me,

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It's on the website of Netflix,
the world's largest

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stand-up comedy content
provision platform.

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This is the most visited piece of
information about me in the world.

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There's a picture of me
going like that...

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CHUCKLING

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...and underneath it says...

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..."Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle -

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"reports of sharks falling from
the skies are on the rise again."

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LAUGHTER

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"And nobody on the Eastern
Seaboard is safe."

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LAUGHTER

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And that's most people
in the world's idea...

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LAUGHTER

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...of what I'm all about.
Let's have a look at that again.

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There's a picture of me
going like that

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and underneath it says,
"Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle -

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"reports of sharks
falling from the skies

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"are on the rise again."

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You thought you'd seen
the back of that, probably.

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"And nobody on the Eastern
Seaboard is safe."

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And that listing stayed up there
on Netflix for two fucking years.

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LAUGHTER

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Is it any wonder that the Netflix
viewers stayed away in their droves?

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Cos when they tuned in, they were
disappointed, weren't they,

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to find that Stewart Lee's
Comedy Vehicle

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contained precisely no falling
marine carnivores whatsoever.

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And at no point was anyone on any
seaboard of the United States

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put in any kind of shark-based
jeopardy!

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Featuring instead, as it did, merely
an out-of-shape, middle-aged man

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complaining about global politics
from a centre-left position

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while simultaneously
pretentiously deconstructing

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the very art form
of stand-up itself.

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And they didn't want to see that,
did they?!

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LAUGHTER

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The Netflix viewers. No, they
wanted to see the sort of thing

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that Netflix viewers like to see,
like Ricky Gervais's Afterlife.

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LAUGHTER

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The televisual equivalent
of a nine-hour crying wank.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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"Oh, my wife, she died."

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"Oh, she's on the beach with...
Oh, she's in the hospital now.

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"Oh, she's swimming in the river...

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"Urgh! Urgh!

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"Urgh...! Ah!"

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LAUGHTER

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That's my review of that.
LAUGHTER

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Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle -

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reports of sharks falling from
the skies are on the rise again

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and nobody on the Eastern
Seaboard is safe.

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I thought maybe if I made that show
as described by Netflix,

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they'd buy it, right?

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It's quite difficult, isn't it,
to combine stand-up comedy

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with loads of falling sharks,

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particularly if you're trying
to tour it.

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You'd need...
LAUGHTER

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You'd need loads of articulated
lorries, loads of tanks

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of saltwater, loads of shark
handlers, loads of sharks,

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some method of launching
the sharks at the stage.

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LAUGHTER

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So I wrote a proposal for that tour.

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I submitted it to the Ambassador
Theatre Group chain

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and they wrote back saying
raining live sharks down onto stage

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and audience would, and I quote,

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"Almost certainly fall short of even
the most cursory risk assessment."

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LAUGHTER

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"Theatres' policies...", it goes
on, "..irrespective of whether

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"the venue is privately owned
or council-funded,

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"are to prioritise
the elimination of hazards,

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"so it is unlikely, therefore,
Mr Lee, that any performance

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"based on the introduction
of live marine carnivores

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"into an area where the public
are likely to be present

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"could be staged by any British
theatre, though it is possible

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"that these draconian restrictions
may become more liberal

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"since our departure from the EU..."

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LAUGHTER

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"..allowing members of the public
to submit themselves deliberately

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"to fatal shark attacks
should they wish to do so,

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"free from the interference
of Brussels. Take back control."

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LAUGHTER

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Normally, there's applause there
and there's a little extra bit

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I can do in all the other towns,
but, erm...

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LAUGHTER

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...not here tonight.
APPLAUSE

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No, it's gone now. Shame.
No, I'm not doing it.

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It's a shame because
I'm filming this for the BBC

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and it would have been nice
to get all the best bits in,

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but obviously, here in York,
there's a resistance to joy, so...

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LAUGHTER

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You know, where other crowds
would respond ecstatic.

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I chose this venue because
of the architecture, really,

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not because of the sort of people
that live here, so...

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LAUGHTER

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Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle -
reports of sharks falling...

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Those of you who've brought people
with you who've not seen me before

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because you told them I was good,

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this is the point where they
nudge you and go, "Is this it?

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"Does he just repeat the same
sentences over and over again

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"like an angry TED talk?"

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Yes.
LAUGHTER

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In the first hour, it's just
this sentence over and over again

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about the sharks and then it stops.

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Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle -

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reports of sharks falling from
the skies are on the rise again

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and no-one on the Eastern
Seaboard is safe.

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I would go as far as to suggest
that that being

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the world's main point of
information about me for two years

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may have negatively impacted
on the market penetration

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of my brand, right?

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So let's have a look
at some of the listings

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for some of the other top comedians
on Netflix.

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And let's see if in their case
there's a closer relationship

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or indeed any fucking
relationship at all...

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LAUGHTER

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...between what Netflix have said
they do and what they do.

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This is the Netflix listing
for Dave Chappelle.

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If you've not heard
of Dave Chappelle,

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he's massive in the States
and he's Rolling Stone magazine's

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the world's ninth best
living stand-up, so...

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LAUGHTER

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You can snigger about that if you
like, but actually I don't...

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Well, I don't set any store by any
of those lists of the 100 best.

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I think they're all nonsense.

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But The Times is probably
better, isn't it, as a...

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LAUGHTER

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...journal of record.

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So...
LAUGHTER

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This is Netflix's listing
for Dave Chappelle.

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"Dave Chappelle gets real
about racially-charged run-ins,

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"celebrity scandals
and fatherly dilemmas

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"in a searing stand-up set
recorded at Austin's Moody Theatre."

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That's the kind of thing
you want, isn't it?

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Yeah, you'd read that,
you'd watch that and you'd go,

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"Yeah, that's what it is.
It was that." Right? And that's...

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Are there any sharks falling on him?
No.

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LAUGHTER

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And that's all I'm asking for,
York - a level playing field.

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Let's have a look at this one.

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This is the Netflix listing
for Jimmy Carr.

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Right, Jimmy Carr has been
in the news this year

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for being controversial.

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I actually wrote this material
before the pandemic, right,

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so I don't want you to think
I've tried to write topical stuff.

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I don't do sort of topical
ambulance-chasing material.

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I write what I write and I wait
for reality to align with it.

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LAUGHTER

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The Netflix listing for Jimmy Carr.

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"Jimmy Carr.
Nothing is off limits..."

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Except compassion, humanity,
self-knowledge and shame.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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It doesn't say that.
I've written that in.

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Let's read the real thing
and stop mucking around.

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"Jimmy Carr.
Nothing is off limits..."

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Except tax.
Tax and the payment of tax!

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LAUGHTER

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It doesn't say that, York.
I've written that in.

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Let's read the real thing. "Jimmy
Carr. Nothing is off limits..."

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LAUGHTER

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Except a five-star review
in a broadsheet newspaper.

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Yeah, look at me.

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Guardian, Independent, Times,
Telegraph, Mail on Sunday.

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That's right.

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Even the right-wing press must bow
towards my obvious superiority.

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Let's read the real thing.

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"Jimmy Carr.
Nothing is off limits..."

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Except an honorary fellowship
from a top university.

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I've got one, York.
LAUGHTER

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And a parking space.
Let's read the real thing.

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"Jimmy Carr.

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"Nothing is off limits as Jimmy Carr
serves up outrageous jokes..."

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He serves up his jokes, doesn't he?

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Serves up his jokes.

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Some comedians deliver their jokes,
don't they?

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They deliver them. Like timid
little postmen, they deliver them.

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"Hello, Mrs Jenkins.

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"I've got a joke for you."

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LAUGHTER

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"No, you've got to sign for it
I'm afraid, love,

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"because it's racist."
But...

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LAUGHTER

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...Jimmy Carr serves up his jokes,
doesn't he?

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He serves them up out of a massive,
steaming-hot cauldron

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full of rape jokes.
All the rape jokes are in there.

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"Get your dish! Rape jokes!

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"Rape jokes! Rape jokes!

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"Rape! Rape!

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"Ha-ha! Rape!"

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LAUGHTER

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Those are awfully generous helpings
of rape jokes, Jimmy.

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LAUGHTER

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Are you sure that's cost-effective?

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Doesn't matter. It's tax deductible.
Let's read the real thing.

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APPLAUSE

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"Jimmy Carr. Nothing is off limits
as Jimmy Carr serves up

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"outrageous jokes in a special
that's not for the faint of heart."

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That's the kind of thing
you want, isn't it?

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And that's all I'm asking for, yeah?

243
00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:09,520
I would like it if in
the Venn diagram of this,

244
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:13,160
the circle of what Netflix say I do

245
00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:17,040
could overlap at some point
with the circle of what I do.

246
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:19,040
LAUGHTER

247
00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:22,760
Rather than them being two
entirely free-floating spheres.

248
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:24,520
LAUGHTER

249
00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:29,040
Trigonometry joke, York,
on a Wednesday.

250
00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:31,760
Not a massive response for that,
was there?

251
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:34,040
Not a massive response.
WOMAN SHOUTS

252
00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:36,920
And yet one person enjoying it alone.

253
00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:38,360
LAUGHTER

254
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:41,520
They imagined if they cheered,
other people would join in,

255
00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:44,280
but it didn't happen.
LAUGHTER

256
00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:46,280
Weird though, because you take, like...

257
00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:47,720
Six weeks ago I was in Oxford

258
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:50,520
and that was the most popular joke
of the night there,

259
00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:52,720
the trigonometry joke.
LAUGHTER

260
00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:55,920
And that's the thing about this job.
I've been doing it 33 years now.

261
00:11:55,920 --> 00:12:00,520
Every town, every night, every
audience, every show is different.

262
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:03,760
And that's why I'm fucking
sick of it. Really.

263
00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:05,440
LAUGHTER

264
00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:07,360
APPLAUSE

265
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:09,520
I'm sick of it because...

266
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,040
...no matter how many...

267
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:17,760
There doesn't seem to be
any way to...

268
00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:22,280
LAUGHTER

269
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:26,760
So I was blind, I was bald,
I was fat, I was grey,

270
00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:29,680
medical professionals said
I shouldn't get out of a chair,

271
00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:34,040
and Netflix have told
the whole world that all my shows

272
00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:36,840
are just fish
falling out of clouds and...

273
00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:38,680
I was sick of it.

274
00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:41,480
And then a friend of mine said,
"This will cheer you up.

275
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:44,920
"You've got a really good review
in the London Review of Books..."

276
00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:49,040
It's a classy paper. "..from none
other than Alan Bennett," right?

277
00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:52,040
Do people know who Alan Bennett is?
CHEERING

278
00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:56,760
Some people, not everyone though,
even in York, and that's because

279
00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:59,520
there are too many young people
here, aren't there...

280
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:01,040
LAUGHTER

281
00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:03,520
...dragging it down,
and what happens is...

282
00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:05,040
LAUGHTER

283
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:09,040
People that have been coming to
see me for 30 years, you think,

284
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:12,280
"Ooh, let's take our teenagers
to see him," don't you?

285
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:15,680
And you go, "You really should see
this guy, actually, Jeremy."

286
00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:17,280
LAUGHTER

287
00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:21,040
"Yeah, he's quite a significant
figure. Erm..."

288
00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:22,760
LAUGHTER

289
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:27,120
"Me and your mother used to go
and see him all the time in London

290
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:29,760
"before we moved up here
in the pandemic, and..."

291
00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:31,760
LAUGHTER

292
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:34,760
"You probably won't understand it,
or like it,

293
00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:38,520
"but when you're old, you'll think
it's amazing that you saw him."

294
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:40,280
LAUGHTER

295
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:43,040
"And of course he died
soon afterwards."

296
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:44,760
LAUGHTER

297
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:48,040
"He seemed unwell on the night.
He seemed...

298
00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,040
"..tired and agitated."

299
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:51,520
But, erm...

300
00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:56,040
Alan Bennett is your fucking
spiritual king of York,

301
00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:57,760
You know, Alan Bennett,

302
00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:00,280
the godfather of post-war
British comedy.

303
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:02,520
In the '50s, Beyond the Fringe.

304
00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:05,040
And then he wrote Talking Heads
and The Lady in the Van

305
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:07,200
and all this stuff,
and without Alan Bennett,

306
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:09,920
you wouldn't have had Monty Python,
you wouldn't have had

307
00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:12,920
the '70s alternative comedy.
Nothing. There would be nothing.

308
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:16,360
You might be here tonight, but you'd
be looking at an empty stage, right?

309
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:18,120
But because it's my empty stage,

310
00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:20,600
it would still get five stars
in The Guardian.

311
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,280
LAUGHTER

312
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:24,360
"Lee didn't even come to York
that night.

313
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:26,680
"The stage was empty
for two-and-a-half hours.

314
00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:29,840
"What better comment is there
on the state of government today?

315
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:32,280
"Five stars, the Guardian." So...

316
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:34,040
LAUGHTER

317
00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:38,040
I was very pleased to get
a good review off Alan Bennett.

318
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:40,680
I thought maybe I could meet
Alan Bennett

319
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:43,440
and maybe I could become friends
with Alan Bennett, right,

320
00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:46,760
because I've not got... I've not got
many friends who are comedians.

321
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,520
LAUGHTER

322
00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:51,040
No.

323
00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:53,520
I don't know why that is.
LAUGHTER

324
00:14:57,040 --> 00:15:00,520
I think it's been difficult
for the other comedians

325
00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:03,360
to make friends with me
since The Times called me

326
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,520
the world's greatest
living stand-up.

327
00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:07,040
LAUGHTER

328
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:13,520
♪ Heavy is the head
that wears the crown. ♪

329
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:15,520
LAUGHTER

330
00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:18,040
Do you know who that song is by?
Do you?

331
00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:20,040
You don't, no? It's Stormzy.

332
00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:22,120
Yeah. And you are racist.

333
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:24,040
LAUGHTER

334
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:25,680
So...

335
00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:27,520
He's not. He's not really.

336
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:29,760
So...
LAUGHTER

337
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:32,280
He's just the person
that looked least likely

338
00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:34,520
to know who Stormzy was.

339
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,760
But I did want to make friends
with some of them.

340
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:41,600
And there was one young comedian
particularly I wanted to

341
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:44,280
make friends with because
he'd inspired me to carry on

342
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:46,760
when I was going to give up.
You would know who he is.

343
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:49,360
He's on TV all the time.
But I can't tell you who he is

344
00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:53,040
because when we finally did meet, it
didn't reflect well on either of us.

345
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:56,040
What happened was, we were both
on this sort of charity bill

346
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:57,760
at the London Palladium, right?

347
00:15:57,760 --> 00:16:00,440
I thought, great, I'll get
to meet the young TV comedian,

348
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:03,280
because normally he's got all
minders around him and stuff.

349
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:06,040
I thought, what I'll do is,
when he's on, I will sort of hide

350
00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:08,920
at the side of the stage and as
he comes off I'll jump out on him

351
00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:11,520
and I'll become his friend.
So he was on, right...

352
00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:14,520
He's a young TV comedian,
he's on stage, he's doing his act,

353
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:17,680
and he was going, "Why is it,
right, that when you go in the...

354
00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:19,280
LAUGHTER

355
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,040
"When you...

356
00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:26,040
"When you go in the shop, yeah,
there's, erm...

357
00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:30,520
"Down in the front bit, like,
where all the stuff is...

358
00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:32,040
"there's like...

359
00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:35,520
"There's loads...
It's all cramped up in the front,

360
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:38,120
"where they sell the stuff,
it's all cramped and small,

361
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:40,760
"where they sell the stuff
in the front of the shop, yeah?

362
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:42,840
"But then out the back,
behind the counter,

363
00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:45,520
"that's all empty and it's massive.
What's that all about?"

364
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:47,040
LAUGHTER

365
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,920
"What's going on there?"

366
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,040
LAUGHTER

367
00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:56,520
And all the audience are going,
"Ah, ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha!"

368
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,040
And I was watching that, right?

369
00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:06,040
And I thought,
well, I know why that is.

370
00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:08,040
LAUGHTER

371
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:11,680
Right, does anyone...?
This isn't a trick, right?

372
00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:14,760
Does anyone here tonight know
why it's in the financial interest

373
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:17,520
of shopkeepers to try to reduce
the floor space

374
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:19,840
of the retail area of a shop?
Anyone know?

375
00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:23,000
Anyone? No?

376
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,520
Every other night of the tour,
someone's known.

377
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,720
LAUGHTER
Does anyone know?

378
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:31,040
In what's normally a quick
exchange... What?

379
00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:35,880
INDISTINCT SHOUT
What?

380
00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:40,320
Has someone brought a dog?

381
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:47,920
It isn't that. It's not...
Whatever that was...

382
00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:52,720
...it's not a one-syllable phrase.

383
00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:55,640
Does anyone know?
Business rates.

384
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:57,760
Business rates is the exact
correct answer.

385
00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:00,080
That's very helpful tonight.
How do you know that?

386
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:01,920
Do you work in local government,
or retail?

387
00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:03,880
No. What?

388
00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:05,560
So...

389
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:08,320
Did you say "both" or "no"?

390
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:12,680
No. Well, how do you...?
Do you just know things?

391
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:14,760
How do you know it?
Knowledge is power.

392
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:17,040
What? Knowledge is power.

393
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:21,040
Did you just say Reginald Farrell?
That's what it sounded like.

394
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:24,200
It's not Reginald Farrell, no.
What it is, um...

395
00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:27,640
Reginald Farrell is nothing
to do with how...

396
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:32,480
With business rates.
I don't know why you'd say that.

397
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:34,240
So... It's, um...

398
00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:36,600
Reginald Farrell?
What the fuck's that?!

399
00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:39,760
So, the... Reginald Farrell?
Who shouts that out at a...?!

400
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:42,480
"Ha, I'm going to should out
Reginald Farrell, that'll get him!

401
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,800
"Cos he'll think it's someone
he should have heard of,

402
00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:46,680
"but he won't know it's a name
I just made up.

403
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:49,160
"It sounds like a historic person,
doesn't it, from York,

404
00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:51,920
"that he should have known of,
and he'll be thinking, Who's that?

405
00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:53,120
"It isn't anyone! Ha!" So...

406
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:57,120
Right... It's not Reginald Farrell.
What it is is...

407
00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:59,920
It's business rates, right?
You pay a higher business rate

408
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:02,760
depending on the size of the floor
space of your shop and obviously...

409
00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:06,120
And I thought I'd better tell this
young comedian that, right?

410
00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:09,600
In case he came here to do his act
and someone went...

411
00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:13,160
Someone shouted
"Reginald Farrell" at him.

412
00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:15,320
And threw him.

413
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,760
I thought I'd better tell him,
but I've got a problem

414
00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:20,600
and I don't mind owning up to it.
There's something about me,

415
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:22,760
if I know something
and I try to tell someone

416
00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:24,360
they're wrong about something,

417
00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:27,000
it could come across as patronising,
I think. And...

418
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:32,080
Luckily, I've been able to
monetise it, professionally.

419
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:35,040
But it's awkward in life.
I'll give an example of what I mean.

420
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:36,840
I was in Nottingham about a year ago

421
00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:39,440
and I was walking along the main
street in Nottingham

422
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:42,200
and I walked past one of these
baked potato vans in the street,

423
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:44,920
you've seen them about, and it was
green and on the side of it,

424
00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:47,400
there was a picture of Robin Hood,
shooting his arrow,

425
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:50,240
and then on the top, and this was
the stupid thing about it,

426
00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:53,520
really, it said,
"Robin Hood's Jacket Potatoes."

427
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:58,160
I know. I thought, "Well,
I can't leave that..." So, I...

428
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:02,600
So I got in the queue and, um...

429
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,760
And after about 25 minutes,
I was at the front...

430
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:13,000
...and the baked potato woman,
Nottingham woman, she said,

431
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:14,480
"Can I help you, me ducks?"

432
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:18,360
And I said,
"Yes, is this your baked potato van,

433
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:20,400
"Robin Hood's Jacket Potatoes?"

434
00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:24,080
She said, "It is. I set it up
with my husband about 30 year ago,

435
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:28,480
"he's passed on now, but I like
to come down and do the potatoes."

436
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:30,520
And I went, "Oh..." And, um...

437
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:36,080
"Was it your idea to call it
Robin Hood's Jacket Potatoes?"

438
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:38,480
And she said, "Well,
he were from here, Nottingham,

439
00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:40,160
"so I thought that was a good name."

440
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:42,720
I went, "Yeah, the thing is,
it isn't, is it? Because, um..."

441
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:48,640
She said, "I beg your pardon."
And I went, "Well, the problem is,

442
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:51,120
"and I'm sure you've looked into
this, that if...

443
00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:58,320
"If Robin Hood was a real
historical character,

444
00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:02,920
"he would have been around
between about 1350 and 1380.

445
00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:11,760
"But potatoes...

446
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:17,520
"..didn't even come to Britain
until the mid-1500s."

447
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:22,600
She said, "Well, what's your point?"
And I said, "Well...

448
00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:27,280
"The point is that Robin Hood

449
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:30,760
"wouldn't have even known
what a potato was,

450
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:35,000
"let alone have had a preferred
method of baking them."

451
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,760
She said, "Do you want a jacket
potato, what?" I said,

452
00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:39,520
"No, I don't want one from you,

453
00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:41,800
"cos you don't know
anything about them.

454
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:44,800
"I'll just get one out of a dog-muck
bin on the way home, you know,

455
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:46,080
"and eat that."

456
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:49,400
And then she's crying,
people are shoving me around,

457
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:50,800
but so, that's the...

458
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,440
That's the problem I have, right?

459
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:57,440
So anyway, he's finished his act,
this young comic,

460
00:21:57,440 --> 00:22:00,280
and as he was coming off,
I jumped out on him and I went,

461
00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:02,640
"Ooh, can I talk to you
about your act, please?"

462
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:05,440
And he went, "Well,
it looks like you're going to."

463
00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:08,120
And I went,
"I am, yes, cos some of it is wrong

464
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:12,840
"and you need to look at it. Now,
you know when you're talking about

465
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:15,800
"the floor space in the shops
being small?

466
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:17,560
"Do you know why that is?"

467
00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:20,840
And he went, "No, but you're going
to tell me, aren't you?"

468
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:24,240
And I said,
"I am, because it's wrong

469
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:27,000
"and what you'll find in stand-up,
the older you get

470
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:30,760
"and the more you do it is
that you can have an exaggerated

471
00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:32,920
"sort of punchline, or something,

472
00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:37,080
"but the set-up of things does need
to be factually accurate, otherwise

473
00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:42,880
"we're in a sort of lawless zone,
the desert in Mad Max, you know."

474
00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:46,520
So, I said to him, "What it is,
it's business rates

475
00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:48,840
"and you pay a higher business rate

476
00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:51,680
"depending on the floor space
of your shop,

477
00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:54,040
"so your joke needs to either
be cut from your set,

478
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:57,640
"or it needs to address that,
and you need to look at that."

479
00:22:57,640 --> 00:23:01,040
And he went, "Well,
you've told me now, haven't you?"

480
00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:03,440
I went...

481
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:06,920
"Do you want to go for a Chinese?"

482
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:13,200
And he just walked off.

483
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:18,320
Josh Widdicombe, that was.

484
00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:25,480
Josh Widdicombe. And, um...

485
00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:28,160
It was, it was Josh Widdicombe.
And it's a shame, right,

486
00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:30,680
because I did want to make friends
with Josh Widdicombe

487
00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:32,600
and I'll tell you why.

488
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:36,160
Because about 15 years ago,
he inspired me not to quit, right?

489
00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:37,600
What happened was, I didn't know,

490
00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:39,280
but I'd been going
progressively deaf

491
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:42,640
and I got to the point where
I couldn't hear audiences at all

492
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:44,960
and I think that's partly
why I developed

493
00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:47,040
this belligerent onstage persona.

494
00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:50,360
Actually, the gigs were going
a lot better than I realised.

495
00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:54,560
Er...

496
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:56,920
I've got hearing aids now,
so I'm all right.

497
00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:59,120
FEEDBACK
There they are. Feeding back.

498
00:23:59,120 --> 00:24:01,920
But there was a point where
I couldn't really work

499
00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:03,440
cos of my disability, I suppose,

500
00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:05,520
and I was very depressed
and one night,

501
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:09,440
I was sitting at home and I found
myself watching The Last Leg

502
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:12,880
on Channel 4, with all the disabled
comedians on it, you know.

503
00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:13,920
And...

504
00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:18,400
Josh Widdicombe came on.

505
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:21,160
And I thought, "Well,
if he can do it..."

506
00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:27,680
APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

507
00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:31,360
"You know, with
whatever it is he's got..."

508
00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:38,680
I don't know what it is,
but it must be really bad,

509
00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:42,520
cos they always gloss over it, don't
they? They don't mention it. So...

510
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:49,160
So I went out and I bought
a copy of the London Review of Books

511
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:53,640
and this is Alan Bennett, godfather
of post-war British comedy's idea

512
00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:55,280
of a good review of me.

513
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:59,320
AS ALAN BENNETT:
"Lee makes stand-up..."

514
00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:04,120
Yeah, I've not wasted
the last two years.

515
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:10,120
I've been learning
all the impressions.

516
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:13,400
All the different impressions.

517
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:16,040
Alan Bennett...

518
00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:23,280
All the impressions.

519
00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:28,240
AS ALAN BENNETT: "Lee makes stand-up

520
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:31,000
"almost a moral pursuit,

521
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:35,920
"predicting an audience's reaction,
or lack of reaction..."

522
00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:45,560
"..to his material in a way
that makes other stand-ups

523
00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:50,240
"seem obvious. He's fearless,
undeterred by an audience's failure

524
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:53,920
"to respond."
Sick of it! What's this, now?

525
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:56,440
What's that?! What's that, there?

526
00:25:56,440 --> 00:26:00,040
That's people responding!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

527
00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:06,160
"Erving Goffman would have
liked Stewart Lee..."

528
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:12,600
What does that mean?!
Who's Erving Goffman?!

529
00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:15,640
"Erving Goffman would have
liked Stewart Lee."

530
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:18,080
That's a quote for the poster,
isn't it?

531
00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:22,600
That'll pack them in
at the Bradford Alhambra!

532
00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:29,520
"it's austere stuff. Stewart Lee
is the JL Austin of comedy."

533
00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:32,280
What does it mean, JL Austin?!

534
00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:37,040
"Erving Goffman... Erving Goffman
would have liked Stewart Lee."

535
00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:38,800
I Googled Erving Goffman.

536
00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:43,640
"Erving Goffman was the most
influential American sociologist

537
00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:45,200
"of the 20th century.

538
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:49,120
"His major areas of study include
social interaction,

539
00:26:49,120 --> 00:26:52,640
"the social construction of self,
social organisation of experience

540
00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:54,720
"and particular elements of
social life

541
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:56,600
"such as institutions
and stigmas."

542
00:26:56,600 --> 00:27:00,000
And he would have loved me,
wouldn't he, Erving Goffman?

543
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:04,280
He'd be rolling around in a tsunami
of his own urine by now!

544
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:12,200
"Stewart Lee is the JL Austin
of comedy." Right, "JL Austin...

545
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,360
"..was a British
philosopher of language,

546
00:27:16,360 --> 00:27:18,840
"perhaps best known..."
If at all, to be fair!

547
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:22,720
"..for the theory of speech acts.

548
00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:26,040
"Austin's work ultimately suggests
that all speech and all utterance

549
00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:28,200
"is the doing of something
with words and signs,

550
00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:30,760
"challenging a metaphysics
of language that would posit

551
00:27:30,760 --> 00:27:34,520
"propositional assertion as the
essence of language and meaning."

552
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:35,840
And I'm the him of this!

553
00:27:38,120 --> 00:27:39,840
I'm the him of this.

554
00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:43,760
And if you've come along here
tonight, York,

555
00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:46,360
hoping to see two and a half hours
of the kind of

556
00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:51,160
JL Austin-influenced stand-up that
Erving Goffman would have loved,

557
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:54,400
you can fuck off, cos it's not
going to be that, is it?

558
00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:59,600
This is the kiss of death,
this Alan Bennett review.

559
00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:00,840
This is worse, isn't it, than,

560
00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:03,480
"Reports of sharks falling from
the skies are on the rise again,

561
00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:06,640
"and no-one on the Eastern
Seaboard is safe."

562
00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:14,560
It's not fair, is it?

563
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:16,600
You know, this Dave Chappelle
bloke from America

564
00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:20,280
and Jimmy Carr and that, they're not
being compared unhelpfully

565
00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:23,120
to loads of dead linguistic
philosophers, are they?

566
00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:26,640
This Dave Chappelle bloke,
and Jimmy Carr,

567
00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:29,400
they've not got Netflix
telling the whole world that

568
00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:32,720
all their shows are just fish
falling out of clouds and stuff.

569
00:28:32,720 --> 00:28:34,800
Doesn't say on Netflix, does it,

570
00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:37,920
"Dave Chappelle. A turbot lands
in North Hertfordshire...

571
00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:43,960
"..and a woman in Hitchin
is bewildered."

572
00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:49,280
No, it doesn't say that.
And you know why?

573
00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:52,960
Cos this Dave Chappelle bloke from
America, he's a Hollywood superstar

574
00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:56,240
and he's got status - some of it
earned, some of it manufactured.

575
00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:58,840
In fact, last year,
Dave Chappelle's Hollywood people,

576
00:28:58,840 --> 00:29:02,120
they sent out a press release and it
said, "Dave Chappelle is so massive,

577
00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:04,680
"he's done over 1,600 shows
in the last four years."

578
00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:06,240
Now, I worked that out, right?

579
00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:08,840
That's more than one show a day,
which is possible,

580
00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:12,480
but only if Dave Chappelle lives
permanently on a private plane that

581
00:29:12,480 --> 00:29:15,920
is always flying in the opposite
direction to the Earth's rotation.

582
00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:21,920
It's not a great joke, that,
I'll level with you.

583
00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:23,240
It's sort of garbled,

584
00:29:23,240 --> 00:29:26,680
but it sets up a much better joke
in about ten minutes' time.

585
00:29:27,920 --> 00:29:29,600
And when you see that, you'll go,

586
00:29:29,600 --> 00:29:31,480
"Oh, I see why that was there."
So...

587
00:29:34,720 --> 00:29:36,240
No, he's got status...

588
00:29:36,240 --> 00:29:39,320
Hollywood superstar comedian,
he's got status, Dave Chappelle.

589
00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:44,120
And I saw how this status worked
close at hand. I'll tell you why.

590
00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:45,640
What happened was, right,

591
00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:48,800
when I write a new show,
I run it in for six months,

592
00:29:48,800 --> 00:29:51,920
six nights a week,
at this 350-seater little theatre,

593
00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:54,600
the Leicester Square Theatre
in London, right?

594
00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:56,680
And I got to the end
of a six-month run there,

595
00:29:56,680 --> 00:29:59,680
it was a Saturday night, I was doing
the seven till nine slot,

596
00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:02,720
and everyone was really excited,
cos for one night only,

597
00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:05,520
American Hollywood comedy superstar
Dave Chappelle, he was doing

598
00:30:05,520 --> 00:30:09,840
a sort of one-night low-key test
the water in London sort of show.

599
00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:13,240
And I thought I'd better
see Dave Chappelle,

600
00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:17,200
so I bought a ticket, 150 quid, and...

601
00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:20,400
All right, fine. It's not...

602
00:30:20,400 --> 00:30:23,760
Normally, the whole room goes,
"Ooh! That's a lot," you know?

603
00:30:26,880 --> 00:30:28,840
Weird, York, isn't it? "Oh..."

604
00:30:33,360 --> 00:30:35,600
It's not a wealthy county, is it?

605
00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:38,880
But the actual town itself, as you
walk around the streets, it's...

606
00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:41,400
It is marked by
conspicuous consumption

607
00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:43,120
of expensive tat, isn't it?

608
00:30:43,120 --> 00:30:44,560
LAUGHTER

609
00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:50,160
You'd spend that on a teapot,
wouldn't you? 150 quid.

610
00:30:50,160 --> 00:30:53,240
With a picture of Freddie Trueman's
face on it.

611
00:31:00,560 --> 00:31:04,480
It's a lot of money to a normal
person, 150 quid, right? So...

612
00:31:04,480 --> 00:31:07,440
And I thought maybe I could meet
Dave Chappelle, you know,

613
00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:09,240
maybe I could become his friend.

614
00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:11,360
LAUGHTER
Why do you find that laughable?

615
00:31:11,360 --> 00:31:12,920
I find that quite offensive!

616
00:31:14,520 --> 00:31:17,200
I knew I'd meet him, right? Cos
there's only two dressing rooms

617
00:31:17,200 --> 00:31:19,920
in there, they're both about
the size of a Travelodge bathroom.

618
00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:21,480
They're not miles away, like here,

619
00:31:21,480 --> 00:31:23,400
they're just on the side
of the stage, so...

620
00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:25,960
And he couldn't get to the one
he was in without going past

621
00:31:25,960 --> 00:31:27,760
the one I was in,
so I knew I'd see him.

622
00:31:27,760 --> 00:31:30,480
The only awkward thing was
it might be difficult, what with me

623
00:31:30,480 --> 00:31:33,200
being the world's best living
stand-up comedian

624
00:31:33,200 --> 00:31:35,520
and him being the ninth, you know.

625
00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:39,360
But I thought, I'll make a joke
out of it. I'll go...

626
00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:41,720
"Hello, number nine.
Number one here."

627
00:31:44,160 --> 00:31:49,520
"Welcome to England. You'll find
the audiences aren't armed." So...

628
00:31:55,160 --> 00:31:57,360
So I came in, you know,
six o'clock, to set up,

629
00:31:57,360 --> 00:32:01,120
but all the staff were in a panic,
freaking out, cos what had happened

630
00:32:01,120 --> 00:32:03,120
was Dave Chappelle's
Hollywood people,

631
00:32:03,120 --> 00:32:04,720
they'd sent through a rider,

632
00:32:04,720 --> 00:32:07,040
that's a list of demands
for backstage,

633
00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:10,160
but it was the same sort of rider
they obviously normally send to,

634
00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:13,840
you know, Caesar's Palace in
Las Vegas, or the Hollywood Bowl,

635
00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:17,120
or something, and they'd sent it
to this little 300-odd seater

636
00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:20,760
fringe theatre, so the woman on
duty, she was absolutely in a panic.

637
00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:24,440
She'd been told to take all the
lightbulbs out of Dave Chappelle's

638
00:32:24,440 --> 00:32:27,680
dressing room, 100-odd white
lightbulbs round the mirror,

639
00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:30,240
and to replace them all
with red lightbulbs,

640
00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:32,480
the idea being presumably
that it would feel like

641
00:32:32,480 --> 00:32:35,280
some sort of boudoir,
but the room was so small,

642
00:32:35,280 --> 00:32:38,680
it just felt like you were trapped
in the rear light of a Ford Fiesta.

643
00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:46,320
There was people carrying in buckets
of champagne on ice,

644
00:32:46,320 --> 00:32:48,920
I've never seen that,
and the weirdest thing of all,

645
00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:52,360
on the one flat surface in the room,
presumably at his insistence,

646
00:32:52,360 --> 00:32:56,480
there were two rotisserie chickens,

647
00:32:56,480 --> 00:33:00,720
spinning on their own
rotisserie skewers.

648
00:33:00,720 --> 00:33:04,640
Red lights, champagne on ice,

649
00:33:04,640 --> 00:33:07,640
and two rotisserie chickens,

650
00:33:07,640 --> 00:33:11,120
spinning on their own
rotisserie skewers.

651
00:33:11,120 --> 00:33:13,920
Now, bear in mind, Dave Chappelle's
done over 1,600 gigs

652
00:33:13,920 --> 00:33:15,200
in the last four years.

653
00:33:15,200 --> 00:33:18,120
at two chickens a gig,
that's nearly 3,500 chickens.

654
00:33:20,600 --> 00:33:23,280
APPLAUSE AND WHOOPING

655
00:33:25,880 --> 00:33:29,640
That's not a backstage rider.
That's a pogrom against poultry.

656
00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:35,680
Red lights, champagne on ice,

657
00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:40,680
and two rotisserie chickens,
on their own rotisserie skewers.

658
00:33:40,680 --> 00:33:42,680
That's not a backstage rider.

659
00:33:42,680 --> 00:33:46,640
That's a shopping list
for a date with a woman

660
00:33:46,640 --> 00:33:48,880
who you really want to sleep with,

661
00:33:48,880 --> 00:33:53,280
who you've been told really,
really loves rotisserie chicken.

662
00:33:59,520 --> 00:34:01,600
AMERICAN ACCENT: Come on in, honey.

663
00:34:03,800 --> 00:34:06,320
I got soft red lighting...

664
00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:17,200
I got chilled champagne on ice...

665
00:34:19,880 --> 00:34:23,040
I got John Coltrane on the stereo...

666
00:34:24,440 --> 00:34:27,680
I got fine wine in the freezer...

667
00:34:29,240 --> 00:34:30,640
And, honey...

668
00:34:33,000 --> 00:34:35,120
...cos I know what you like...

669
00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:39,480
...I got two...

670
00:34:41,240 --> 00:34:43,760
...fine, fine, fine...

671
00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:52,560
DEEP VOICE: ..rotisserie chickens, honey.

672
00:34:52,560 --> 00:34:54,040
Yeah.

673
00:34:55,720 --> 00:34:58,160
And... And they're spinning...

674
00:35:00,240 --> 00:35:02,160
...all night long...

675
00:35:04,400 --> 00:35:06,240
...on their own...

676
00:35:07,640 --> 00:35:09,880
...rotisserie skewers.

677
00:35:12,880 --> 00:35:18,120
And all of that hot,
hot chicken juice is...

678
00:35:18,120 --> 00:35:21,760
It's bubbling up out of the chicken, honey.

679
00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:24,800
And it's dripping down the chicken.

680
00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:27,880
The chicken juice is dripping down,

681
00:35:27,880 --> 00:35:32,400
dripping down the chicken.
It's dripping down...

682
00:35:33,640 --> 00:35:35,520
...into the drip tray.

683
00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:43,840
And if you like, honey,
cos I know what you like...

684
00:35:46,240 --> 00:35:49,600
...you can lap
that chicken juice up...

685
00:35:52,120 --> 00:35:54,440
...straight out of the drip tray...

686
00:35:56,160 --> 00:35:59,200
HIGH VOICE: ..like a hungry
little cat. Like a cat!

687
00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:03,080
Like a hungry cat!

688
00:36:03,080 --> 00:36:07,760
DEEP VOICE: Yeah, that's right...
That's right, honey. That's right.

689
00:36:07,760 --> 00:36:11,840
Bathe in the soft red lighting.

690
00:36:14,120 --> 00:36:17,280
Sample my fine champagne.

691
00:36:19,600 --> 00:36:23,720
And drink that hot chicken juice, yeah.

692
00:36:23,720 --> 00:36:28,000
Drink the chicken juice, honey.
Drink it down.

693
00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:31,720
Drink the chicken juice. That's what
you like. You like chicken juice.

694
00:36:31,720 --> 00:36:35,520
So drink it down. It's hot...
Hot, juicy chicken juice.

695
00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:38,800
Drink it down, honey. Drink
the chicken juice. It's what...

696
00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:41,880
It's what you like,
you like the chicken juice.

697
00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:45,160
Drink it down.
Drink the chicken juice. Drink it.

698
00:36:45,160 --> 00:36:48,120
That's a good girl.
Drink the chicken juice down.

699
00:36:48,120 --> 00:36:49,440
Good... That's a good girl.

700
00:36:49,440 --> 00:36:52,400
Drink it down. Drink the...
Drink the chicken juice.

701
00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:55,440
Drink the chicken juice down, honey.
Drink it down. It's hot!

702
00:36:55,440 --> 00:36:57,240
Hot chicken juice.

703
00:36:57,240 --> 00:36:59,560
Drink it down, drink the chicken
juice, down, honey.

704
00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:02,120
Drink it down.
Drink the chicken juice down.

705
00:37:02,120 --> 00:37:05,920
Drink it down. Drink the chicken
juice. Dri... Dri... Oh, honey!

706
00:37:05,920 --> 00:37:09,080
You got some chicken juice
running down your face!

707
00:37:09,080 --> 00:37:12,400
Hold still while I kiss it off.
I'll kiss...

708
00:37:12,400 --> 00:37:15,720
I'll kiss the chicken juice
off your beautiful face.

709
00:37:15,720 --> 00:37:17,920
LOUD SLURPING

710
00:37:17,920 --> 00:37:21,800
That's right, honey! Drink...
Drink the chicken juice, honey.

711
00:37:21,800 --> 00:37:24,200
Drink it down. Drink the...
Put your...

712
00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:26,440
Put your face in the drip tray...
Put your face...

713
00:37:26,440 --> 00:37:28,640
I'm not sure about that bit, really.
I'll probably...

714
00:37:29,720 --> 00:37:32,640
Should probably not do that.
APPLAUSE

715
00:37:34,200 --> 00:37:37,520
Red lights! Champagne on ice!

716
00:37:37,520 --> 00:37:40,440
And two rotisserie chickens,
on their own rotisserie skewers!

717
00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:42,720
That backstage rider,
that's just about status.

718
00:37:42,720 --> 00:37:44,520
It's designed to intimidate people.

719
00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:46,520
Do you know
what my backstage rider is?

720
00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:49,680
Pork pie, tin of Bovril,
unpublished Franz Kafka manuscript.

721
00:37:51,240 --> 00:37:52,440
So...

722
00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:55,760
I was coming up to the end
of my act,

723
00:37:55,760 --> 00:37:57,480
I was supposed to finish at nine,

724
00:37:57,480 --> 00:38:00,440
I thought I'd try and come down
early for Dave. Shows can overrun.

725
00:38:00,440 --> 00:38:02,160
I was down by 8:58,
two minutes early,

726
00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:05,040
I thought I'd try and help him out,
you know, and by nine o'clock,

727
00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:06,480
I was in the bar, drinking,

728
00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:08,360
celebrating the end of
my six-month run,

729
00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:10,560
with a view towards being drunk
by ten o'clock,

730
00:38:10,560 --> 00:38:14,000
when Dave Chappelle's 150-quid show
was supposed to start,

731
00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:15,240
cos I don't know about you,

732
00:38:15,240 --> 00:38:19,640
but I can't really relax or enjoy
myself unless I'm drunk. Er...

733
00:38:21,040 --> 00:38:23,840
Particularly in the evenings,
cos the voices come.

734
00:38:23,840 --> 00:38:27,280
You're sitting there trying to
watch something and the voices come,

735
00:38:27,280 --> 00:38:30,800
don't they? And they go, "Kill
yourself, you stupid fucking idiot!"

736
00:38:30,800 --> 00:38:33,720
And you go, "Argh! No!"

737
00:38:33,720 --> 00:38:36,760
But if you... If you drink,

738
00:38:36,760 --> 00:38:39,760
they go quiet, don't they? You know
what I'm talking about.

739
00:38:39,760 --> 00:38:42,640
Yeah, you know! You know,
the voices that come at night.

740
00:38:42,640 --> 00:38:45,440
We all get them, don't we?
Did you, um...?

741
00:38:45,440 --> 00:38:48,280
Yeah, the night voices. Yeah,
you know what I'm talking about.

742
00:38:48,280 --> 00:38:51,440
Did you find...?
A lot of people did, I know I did.

743
00:38:51,440 --> 00:38:52,920
Did you find under lockdown

744
00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:55,280
they were worse, weren't they,
the voices?

745
00:38:55,280 --> 00:38:58,320
Because they started coming
in the day, didn't they, as well?

746
00:38:58,320 --> 00:39:00,400
Not just at night.
And you'd be out...

747
00:39:00,400 --> 00:39:02,880
You probably did the same as me,
you'd be out for your walk

748
00:39:02,880 --> 00:39:05,360
in the park in the day,
and then the voices come, they go,

749
00:39:05,360 --> 00:39:08,960
"Eat that fucking dog shit!
Eat it!" And you...

750
00:39:08,960 --> 00:39:13,440
You're going, "No, I don't want to!
No! Leave me alone!"

751
00:39:13,440 --> 00:39:16,480
So you know what I'm talking about.
You've had that problem.

752
00:39:16,480 --> 00:39:19,800
So what I...
Yeah, the voices in the day.

753
00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:22,640
So what I did,
I bought a big black coat -

754
00:39:22,640 --> 00:39:25,440
you probably did something
like this - with pockets,

755
00:39:25,440 --> 00:39:28,160
big pockets and I'd hide
bottles of gin and vodka in there,

756
00:39:28,160 --> 00:39:31,000
and then I'd go out for my walk,
you know, and they'd go,

757
00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:35,440
"Put glass in that pram! Put glass
in the pram!" And I'd go, "Neh..."

758
00:39:35,440 --> 00:39:39,040
Then I'd get the vodka and drink
all that down in one and I'd go,

759
00:39:39,040 --> 00:39:41,400
"Yeah, that's made you go!
Go away!"

760
00:39:41,400 --> 00:39:44,000
Yeah, you know what
I'm talking about, don't you?

761
00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:46,600
You know what I'm talking about.
The voices. In the day.

762
00:39:46,600 --> 00:39:49,320
Yeah? A bit of observational comedy,
there. Trying to...

763
00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:52,800
Trying to...
Trying to broaden my range.

764
00:39:52,800 --> 00:39:56,960
I sense some of you have been a bit
baffled by some aspects of the show,

765
00:39:56,960 --> 00:39:59,640
but there's something
we can all relate to.

766
00:39:59,640 --> 00:40:02,240
Not forgetting the viewers at home, thinking,

767
00:40:02,240 --> 00:40:04,800
"It looks a bit like
Live At The Apollo, but it isn't.

768
00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:08,440
"It seems to be a documentation
of mental breakdown."

769
00:40:08,440 --> 00:40:10,080
So...

770
00:40:11,760 --> 00:40:12,960
So by...

771
00:40:14,880 --> 00:40:17,960
So, 9:30, the doors opened,
and then 9:30,

772
00:40:17,960 --> 00:40:20,760
the rotisserie chickens were
spinning in the dressing room,

773
00:40:20,760 --> 00:40:22,680
but they weren't miles away,
like at Wembley,

774
00:40:22,680 --> 00:40:24,600
they're just at the side
of the stage, right?

775
00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:27,400
So 9:30 on a Saturday night,
there's loads of drunk Londoners

776
00:40:27,400 --> 00:40:29,760
wandering in, going,
"Do they do chicken here now?

777
00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:31,600
"Can you get chicken
sent to the...?"

778
00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:36,080
I sat down in my 150-quid seat.
It got to ten o'clock,

779
00:40:36,080 --> 00:40:39,640
Dave Chappelle's 150-quid show
was supposed to start.

780
00:40:39,640 --> 00:40:41,840
Nothing happened.
He wasn't even in the building.

781
00:40:41,840 --> 00:40:43,120
I would have seen him, right?

782
00:40:43,120 --> 00:40:46,080
It got to 10:45, an hour
and a quarter after doors,

783
00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:48,960
three-quarters of an hour
after his 150-quid set

784
00:40:48,960 --> 00:40:51,680
was supposed to start, he still
wasn't in the building.

785
00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:54,720
And then, suddenly, unannounced,
this little bloke comes out,

786
00:40:54,720 --> 00:40:57,200
Neal Brennan, quite a good
American stand-up,

787
00:40:57,200 --> 00:41:01,320
who writes a lot for Dave Chappelle,
and he did about three minutes

788
00:41:01,320 --> 00:41:04,160
and then he lost his nerve
and he just ran off, right?

789
00:41:04,160 --> 00:41:05,960
And I think what had happened was...

790
00:41:05,960 --> 00:41:09,680
It was actually going well, right,
but by British standards. OK?

791
00:41:09,680 --> 00:41:11,400
But...

792
00:41:12,520 --> 00:41:14,120
You know...

793
00:41:14,120 --> 00:41:17,880
He wouldn't have known what the fuck
was going on here, I tell you.

794
00:41:17,880 --> 00:41:20,760
But it wasn't like when you watch
stand-up in America on TV

795
00:41:20,760 --> 00:41:25,080
and it's just an hour of people
going, "Argh! Ah-ah! Argh! Argh!"

796
00:41:31,120 --> 00:41:34,360
Bloke comes out, he goes, "Boston!"
And they go, "That's here!

797
00:41:34,360 --> 00:41:38,120
"This is Boston! He's just said
the name of where we are!

798
00:41:38,120 --> 00:41:39,600
"That's here!"

799
00:41:42,240 --> 00:41:46,000
33 years of touring the UK,
that doesn't happen here, right?

800
00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:49,920
If I go out and I go, "Carlisle!",
people go, "Yeah, we know."

801
00:41:52,440 --> 00:41:54,760
"We only come out to forget."

802
00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:04,480
So he runs off, this Neal Brennan.
A good act, to be honest.

803
00:42:04,480 --> 00:42:08,840
And then it gets to about 11:15, an
hour and three-quarters after doors,

804
00:42:08,840 --> 00:42:12,120
75 minutes after Dave Chappelle's
show was supposed to start,

805
00:42:12,120 --> 00:42:15,480
150-quid show, he's still not
in the building, I'd have seen him.

806
00:42:15,480 --> 00:42:18,040
Suddenly, unannounced,
your favourite comes out,

807
00:42:18,040 --> 00:42:20,920
that you all like, Jimmy Carr,
for a tight ten of rape

808
00:42:20,920 --> 00:42:23,920
and anti-gypsy stuff,
so that was good.

809
00:42:23,920 --> 00:42:26,840
Everyone loved that.
And then he goes off.

810
00:42:28,280 --> 00:42:32,160
Then it gets to 11:30, and I see,
two hours after doors,

811
00:42:32,160 --> 00:42:35,400
90 minutes after his 150-quid show
was supposed to start,

812
00:42:35,400 --> 00:42:38,200
I see Dave Chappelle sneak in
via the box office.

813
00:42:38,200 --> 00:42:41,360
He comes round and he comes out
onto the stage, unannounced,

814
00:42:41,360 --> 00:42:43,840
half 11,
and there's a kind of weird,

815
00:42:43,840 --> 00:42:47,000
confused smattering of applause.

816
00:42:47,000 --> 00:42:49,360
And then I felt almost patriotic

817
00:42:49,360 --> 00:42:52,120
as a lone English voice
shouted out...

818
00:42:53,240 --> 00:42:54,880
"Why are you late?"

819
00:42:54,880 --> 00:42:57,160
LAUGHTER

820
00:43:03,000 --> 00:43:04,480
And it wasn't like America,

821
00:43:04,480 --> 00:43:07,320
where they go, "Argh!
I've seen you in a film! Argh!"

822
00:43:08,960 --> 00:43:12,280
It was just someone, probably with
a baby-sitter, you know, going,

823
00:43:12,280 --> 00:43:14,400
"Why are you late?"

824
00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:17,960
And this is what he said,
Dave Chappelle, I wrote it down.

825
00:43:19,280 --> 00:43:21,720
He said he'd been waiting
backstage all night,

826
00:43:21,720 --> 00:43:25,400
which was a 100% barefaced lie,
he hadn't been there.

827
00:43:25,400 --> 00:43:27,760
"But," he said, "there was
another act on before us

828
00:43:27,760 --> 00:43:29,200
"and he didn't finish on time."

829
00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:30,920
GASP FROM AUDIENCE

830
00:43:30,920 --> 00:43:32,600
Yes!

831
00:43:32,600 --> 00:43:34,680
That's right, York.

832
00:43:34,680 --> 00:43:38,000
Far from becoming my friend,

833
00:43:38,000 --> 00:43:42,400
American Hollywood comedy superstar
Dave Chappelle,

834
00:43:42,400 --> 00:43:45,520
he just threw me under the bus.
He threw me under the bus.

835
00:43:47,400 --> 00:43:49,440
Now, it's fair to say
that on that night,

836
00:43:49,440 --> 00:43:52,800
what with it being the end of my run
and what with the delayed start,

837
00:43:52,800 --> 00:43:55,240
I'd miscalibrated my drinking.

838
00:43:55,240 --> 00:43:57,600
LAUGHTER

839
00:44:04,000 --> 00:44:06,760
So he came out
and he said I'd made him late,

840
00:44:06,760 --> 00:44:09,640
so I jumped up in my seat
and I went, "No, I fucking didn't!

841
00:44:09,640 --> 00:44:12,600
"I was done at 8:58...
Fucking hell, eh!"

842
00:44:18,360 --> 00:44:20,640
And then my wife, she grabbed me
and she stopped me.

843
00:44:20,640 --> 00:44:23,800
That's what they're for, isn't it,
to stop you?

844
00:44:23,800 --> 00:44:25,200
She said, "Get out."

845
00:44:25,200 --> 00:44:28,280
I stumbled out into the foyer
and Martin, who owns the theatre,

846
00:44:28,280 --> 00:44:30,640
he stopped me and he said,
"Are you all right?"

847
00:44:30,640 --> 00:44:34,480
I went, "Not really, Martin.
That wanker Dave Chappelle

848
00:44:34,480 --> 00:44:38,320
"is a wanker, and he's on stage
and he's making up...

849
00:44:38,320 --> 00:44:40,240
"Making up lies about me."

850
00:44:41,520 --> 00:44:44,040
And then I realised
I was being approached at speed

851
00:44:44,040 --> 00:44:46,480
from all different corners
of the room

852
00:44:46,480 --> 00:44:48,920
by six big blokes
in combat uniforms,

853
00:44:48,920 --> 00:44:53,240
on walkie-talkies - Dave Chappelle's
private security team,

854
00:44:53,240 --> 00:44:56,080
that he takes everywhere
round the world with him, right?

855
00:44:56,080 --> 00:44:59,080
Now, I don't have
a private security team.

856
00:45:01,040 --> 00:45:04,760
Or, maybe I do, and that man
over there who shouted out,

857
00:45:04,760 --> 00:45:08,000
"Business rates,"
he's the head of it.

858
00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:11,360
And if he answers, fast,
"Business rates," like that,

859
00:45:11,360 --> 00:45:14,960
that's a signal to me that there's
nothing to worry about in the room.

860
00:45:17,360 --> 00:45:19,640
And then, when I press him further,

861
00:45:19,640 --> 00:45:23,040
he has a succession of different codenames,

862
00:45:23,040 --> 00:45:27,000
all of which alert me
to different potential problems.

863
00:45:28,560 --> 00:45:32,400
And if he says Reginald,
like you with Reginald,

864
00:45:32,400 --> 00:45:36,000
that is a signal to me that there
have been some threats online.

865
00:45:37,960 --> 00:45:39,800
So...

866
00:45:39,800 --> 00:45:43,480
They're coming at me,
Dave Chappelle's security guards,
they don't know who I am,

867
00:45:43,480 --> 00:45:46,680
they don't know that I'm the Times
newspaper's world's greatest living

868
00:45:46,680 --> 00:45:50,200
stand-up, they don't know that,
a lot of people don't, as I say.

869
00:45:50,200 --> 00:45:54,240
They just see a little grey, fat old
man calling Dave Chappelle a wanker.

870
00:45:54,240 --> 00:45:56,800
They're American.
They don't know what that is.

871
00:45:56,800 --> 00:46:00,320
They think it's some kind of British
regional biscuit, or something.

872
00:46:04,000 --> 00:46:06,800
Then they hear me say that
Dave Chappelle is making up all

873
00:46:06,800 --> 00:46:10,240
lies about me on stage, which to be
fair, does sound like the kind

874
00:46:10,240 --> 00:46:13,440
of thing a deranged, paranoid
stalker would say, doesn't it?

875
00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:17,280
So they ran at me, so what I did
was, I ran away, up the stairs, out

876
00:46:17,280 --> 00:46:20,200
of the Leicester Square Theatre
with a 150 quid

877
00:46:20,200 --> 00:46:23,640
ticket for an unseen Dave Chappelle
show burning a hole in my pocket.

878
00:46:23,640 --> 00:46:26,600
I ran up to Leicester Place,
north of Leicester Square, I ran

879
00:46:26,600 --> 00:46:29,280
across there, I hid behind a kind
of electricity substation.

880
00:46:29,280 --> 00:46:32,080
They came out, Dave Chappelle's
security guards, they ran down

881
00:46:32,080 --> 00:46:35,080
towards Leicester Square, I ran up
north to Lyle Street,

882
00:46:35,080 --> 00:46:37,600
round the side of the
Prince Charles Cinema, they saw me,

883
00:46:37,600 --> 00:46:39,560
they ran up there,
up into Chinatown,

884
00:46:39,560 --> 00:46:42,680
but I hid behind a kind of curtain
outside a gay bar.

885
00:46:42,680 --> 00:46:47,440
Yeah, they're trained professionals,
but I've got local knowledge,
like the Taliban, right?

886
00:46:49,240 --> 00:46:52,400
I ran west, along Lyle Street,
over Wardour Street,

887
00:46:52,400 --> 00:46:55,960
down the alleyway by the side of the
Blue Post, over Shaftsbury Avenue.

888
00:46:55,960 --> 00:46:58,600
I was up in Soho now,
running around.

889
00:46:58,600 --> 00:47:01,720
Dave Chappelle's security guards,
they're still down in Chinatown,

890
00:47:01,720 --> 00:47:05,880
asking people
if they've seen a bloke called Lee.
They're fucked! Right?

891
00:47:07,320 --> 00:47:08,760
Then...

892
00:47:14,280 --> 00:47:17,800
I ran into this little alleyway,
Walker's Court, used to be all

893
00:47:17,800 --> 00:47:21,480
sex shops in the '80s, and I tucked
myself into a doorway there to hide.

894
00:47:21,480 --> 00:47:24,240
And I'm shivering and I'm shaking
and I'm paranoid

895
00:47:24,240 --> 00:47:25,960
and I'm afraid and then,

896
00:47:25,960 --> 00:47:30,640
I realise I'm in the doorway
of what in 1979 was

897
00:47:30,640 --> 00:47:34,120
the entrance to the Comic Strip
club, where Alexei Sayle

898
00:47:34,120 --> 00:47:37,480
and all that crowd changed
British stand-up forever.

899
00:47:37,480 --> 00:47:40,520
And when I used to play that gig,
in 1989, I did it,

900
00:47:40,520 --> 00:47:43,280
it was booked by Eddie Izzard, right?

901
00:47:43,280 --> 00:47:45,280
And I remember, at half time,

902
00:47:45,280 --> 00:47:49,240
we used to have to share
our dressing room with the male

903
00:47:49,240 --> 00:47:52,280
strippers from the Raymond Revuebar
next door,

904
00:47:52,280 --> 00:47:56,200
who were appearing in a show called
Carnival of Erotica,

905
00:47:56,200 --> 00:47:58,640
which was neither of those things.

906
00:48:04,040 --> 00:48:06,920
And they used to come in at half
time, the male strippers, and

907
00:48:06,920 --> 00:48:10,200
they would sit down, naked,
in their chairs,

908
00:48:10,200 --> 00:48:13,320
making small talk with us
and masturbating, right?

909
00:48:13,320 --> 00:48:15,600
But they weren't trying to
masturbate to climax,

910
00:48:15,600 --> 00:48:18,520
they were just trying to keep
their penises sort of respectably

911
00:48:18,520 --> 00:48:22,040
tumescent for when they went back
on. They didn't actually want them
to be erect,

912
00:48:22,040 --> 00:48:24,960
cos it's illegal to show an erection
on a British stage and the

913
00:48:24,960 --> 00:48:30,160
legal definition of an erection,
if you're interested, is 45 degrees.

914
00:48:30,160 --> 00:48:31,520
Now...

915
00:48:32,880 --> 00:48:35,600
Personally, I think
that's too ambitious a target.

916
00:48:38,480 --> 00:48:41,840
And one of the things I was looking
forward to when we finally left

917
00:48:41,840 --> 00:48:45,240
the EU was getting rid of all this
stupid red tape and regulations.

918
00:48:46,960 --> 00:48:49,520
And I know that was
one of Jacob Rees-Mogg's main

919
00:48:49,520 --> 00:48:52,280
interests in supporting the project.

920
00:48:53,800 --> 00:48:55,240
But I was 20 years old, right?

921
00:48:55,240 --> 00:48:59,840
I was sitting backstage in a club
in Soho, looking at naked men,

922
00:48:59,840 --> 00:49:02,240
sitting in chairs, masturbating.

923
00:49:02,240 --> 00:49:05,760
It was everything my gran had
warned me showbiz would be.

924
00:49:08,000 --> 00:49:12,040
It was chair-based
activity of the very worst... kind.

925
00:49:15,800 --> 00:49:18,440
And as I stood there in that
doorway, drunk, shivering,

926
00:49:18,440 --> 00:49:19,840
shaking, afraid,

927
00:49:19,840 --> 00:49:24,440
I remembered all the people I used
to do that gig with 33 years ago,

928
00:49:24,440 --> 00:49:28,280
all the comics that I thought were
great and all forgotten now, all

929
00:49:28,280 --> 00:49:31,120
dead or given up,
or disappeared, you know,

930
00:49:31,120 --> 00:49:32,760
they're the real greats to me.

931
00:49:32,760 --> 00:49:36,680
Paul Ramon and
Johnny Immaterial, Malcolm Hardy,

932
00:49:36,680 --> 00:49:40,360
Shelagh Martin, you know,
and they're the greats, not...

933
00:49:40,360 --> 00:49:43,560
These lists of the 100 best comics
of all time, everyone in those

934
00:49:43,560 --> 00:49:45,960
lists, they're just sell-outs,
all of them,

935
00:49:45,960 --> 00:49:48,200
and I'm in some of them
and I don't even know why,

936
00:49:48,200 --> 00:49:50,600
because all the people I think
are any good are dead

937
00:49:50,600 --> 00:49:53,200
and I think if I was any good,
I'd be dead and I felt...

938
00:49:54,520 --> 00:49:59,000
I felt this hand on my shoulder,
and I thought, "Well, this is it.
This is payback time."

939
00:49:59,000 --> 00:50:03,600
And I spun round and it was one
of Dave Chappelle's security guards.

940
00:50:03,600 --> 00:50:08,920
And he said, "Stewart Lee?"
I said, "Yeah. Do you know my act?"

941
00:50:08,920 --> 00:50:11,520
And he said, "No,
but I've read about it on Netflix."

942
00:50:18,360 --> 00:50:19,840
"It sounds amazing, man.

943
00:50:22,080 --> 00:50:26,800
"All Dave does every night
is ridicule the transgender
community, but...

944
00:50:28,160 --> 00:50:30,800
"But sharks falling
out of the sky...

945
00:50:30,800 --> 00:50:35,080
"How do you even do that in a tight
seven-minute club showcase?"

946
00:50:37,520 --> 00:50:40,840
I said, "I don't. It was a mistake."
He went, "What?!

947
00:50:40,840 --> 00:50:44,520
"When you shouted out in that show,
we should have got you,

948
00:50:44,520 --> 00:50:47,480
"broken both your arms,
punched your face into a pulp

949
00:50:47,480 --> 00:50:49,680
"and put you in a stretcher
to the hospital.

950
00:50:49,680 --> 00:50:53,720
"But you know what, son? I'm going
to let you leave this place

951
00:50:53,720 --> 00:50:57,160
"and I'm going to give you a chance
to make something of your life,

952
00:50:57,160 --> 00:51:00,680
"if you promise me
when you leave here,

953
00:51:00,680 --> 00:51:05,080
"you will work out how to do your
act as it's described on Netflix."

954
00:51:09,760 --> 00:51:12,240
I thought, "A deal's a deal," right?

955
00:51:12,240 --> 00:51:16,720
So I went away, York, and I Googled
the phrase, "Reports of sharks

956
00:51:16,720 --> 00:51:20,240
"falling from the skies
are on the rise again

957
00:51:20,240 --> 00:51:22,880
"and no-one on the Eastern Seaboard
is safe,"

958
00:51:22,880 --> 00:51:24,640
and it turned out, that is

959
00:51:24,640 --> 00:51:29,760
a description of a modern American
horror film called Sharknado,

960
00:51:29,760 --> 00:51:34,600
in which a tornado snatches up
loads of sharks out of the sea

961
00:51:34,600 --> 00:51:39,960
and drops them on a city, on dry
land, and they kill loads of people.

962
00:51:39,960 --> 00:51:41,400
And for some reason,

963
00:51:41,400 --> 00:51:46,600
that's spent two years
as the description of me on Netflix.

964
00:51:46,600 --> 00:51:48,960
And they wouldn't do
anything about changing it.

965
00:51:48,960 --> 00:51:53,080
Right? I don't know
if the same was true in reverse.

966
00:51:58,440 --> 00:52:01,120
I don't know
if on the Sharknado page,

967
00:52:01,120 --> 00:52:04,480
there's a picture of a surfer's head
being bitten off and underneath,

968
00:52:04,480 --> 00:52:06,760
it says, "More deadpan humour...

969
00:52:10,760 --> 00:52:14,920
"..from Britain's master
of the multiple call-back ending."

970
00:52:14,920 --> 00:52:18,240
That's right, that's what this is,
isn't it? Yeah. So...

971
00:52:20,360 --> 00:52:22,400
So I carried on looking into it

972
00:52:22,400 --> 00:52:26,320
and I found out a lot of these
American horror films from now,

973
00:52:26,320 --> 00:52:29,400
they're based on British horror
stories from the '20s

974
00:52:29,400 --> 00:52:32,680
and '30s, people like Arthur Machen,
or MR James, you know,

975
00:52:32,680 --> 00:52:36,560
The Birds, that's an early example,
based on a Daphne du Maurier

976
00:52:36,560 --> 00:52:40,000
novel and Sharknado turned out
to be no exception.

977
00:52:40,000 --> 00:52:43,040
That was based on British source
material as well.

978
00:52:43,040 --> 00:52:46,800
In fact, in 1959,
when he was appearing on Broadway,

979
00:52:46,800 --> 00:52:50,200
in Beyond The Fringe, Alan Bennett actually...

980
00:52:54,040 --> 00:52:56,640
He supplemented his income
by writing horror

981
00:52:56,640 --> 00:52:59,160
fiction for the last of the
American pulp magazines

982
00:52:59,160 --> 00:53:02,840
and I can't give you sharks
falling down onto a stand-up

983
00:53:02,840 --> 00:53:05,280
set in York tonight,
but what I can do,

984
00:53:05,280 --> 00:53:07,800
I'm going to finish this
hour by just reading to you

985
00:53:07,800 --> 00:53:11,480
briefly from
Alan Bennett's Sharknado.

986
00:53:20,960 --> 00:53:23,000
AS ALAN BENNETT: "Nora...

987
00:53:26,040 --> 00:53:29,240
"..watched the gathering breeze
blow the dandelions bare

988
00:53:29,240 --> 00:53:31,040
"in the front garden,

989
00:53:31,040 --> 00:53:34,320
"as she anxiously awaited the grocery.

990
00:53:34,320 --> 00:53:36,560
"It would ensure Colin's

991
00:53:36,560 --> 00:53:40,280
"70th birthday celebrations
were well stocked

992
00:53:40,280 --> 00:53:42,400
"with wines, cheeses and nibbles.

993
00:53:47,400 --> 00:53:51,200
"Friends and relations had been
summoned to the neat semi

994
00:53:51,200 --> 00:53:55,560
"and Nora had planned every moment
of the event in meticulous detail,

995
00:53:55,560 --> 00:53:58,680
"from the admittedly rather
squeezed seating plan.

996
00:54:00,240 --> 00:54:02,600
"Some guests were going to
have to eat their dinners

997
00:54:02,600 --> 00:54:04,000
"on the kitchen sideboard.

998
00:54:07,800 --> 00:54:12,360
"To the songs and speeches that
would follow Colin's birthday meal,

999
00:54:12,360 --> 00:54:16,160
"there was only one
blot on the horizon."

1000
00:54:19,880 --> 00:54:25,200
OK, right, there should be a big
laugh there, normally, so...

1001
00:54:25,200 --> 00:54:27,240
I don't really know what's happened,

1002
00:54:27,240 --> 00:54:30,680
but it suggests to me
no-one's really followed the...

1003
00:54:32,240 --> 00:54:34,400
Do you want me
to carry on doing the voice,

1004
00:54:34,400 --> 00:54:36,600
or shall I just get through it
and we can...?

1005
00:54:36,600 --> 00:54:40,040
Do the voice, OK.
No, it's up to you, whatever you...

1006
00:54:41,880 --> 00:54:45,880
There's only one... "A strangely
garbled local news report

1007
00:54:45,880 --> 00:54:49,920
"suggesting that huge
and ferocious sea creatures..."
LAUGHTER

1008
00:54:49,920 --> 00:54:54,800
Yes, well, that should have been
earlier because it's obvious what it
is, I think.

1009
00:54:57,800 --> 00:55:01,160
"..were raining
down onto the streets of Barnsley.

1010
00:55:03,960 --> 00:55:07,120
"But Barnsley were 30 mile away,
at least,

1011
00:55:07,120 --> 00:55:08,720
"across the moor.

1012
00:55:08,720 --> 00:55:13,120
"And the weather outside Nora's
front window seemed normal
enough for the time of year.

1013
00:55:14,680 --> 00:55:18,040
"Colin and Nora's oldest friends,
Alan and Mildred,

1014
00:55:18,040 --> 00:55:21,400
"had already arrived
and were settled down in the kitchen

1015
00:55:21,400 --> 00:55:24,760
"sampling some of Nora's
homemade sausage rolls,

1016
00:55:24,760 --> 00:55:28,320
"a course of action Colin thought
displayed an unattractive

1017
00:55:28,320 --> 00:55:29,560
"streak of impatience.

1018
00:55:34,600 --> 00:55:39,080
"In the sitting room,
Nora nervously tuned in the radio.

1019
00:55:39,080 --> 00:55:43,040
"Apparently, the falling sea
creatures had been identified

1020
00:55:43,040 --> 00:55:44,280
"as sharks.

1021
00:55:44,280 --> 00:55:48,680
"And the mysterious purple cloud
containing them

1022
00:55:48,680 --> 00:55:52,400
"was now heading towards Nora
and Colin's hometown of Dewsbury.

1023
00:55:54,200 --> 00:55:58,360
"Yorkshire folk were warned
to stay in their homes

1024
00:55:58,360 --> 00:56:02,960
"and not to go outside, not even to
fetch clean washing off the line.

1025
00:56:04,840 --> 00:56:07,200
"Or to chase a gypsy
away from a tree.

1026
00:56:16,000 --> 00:56:20,080
"Nora looked back into the open
plan kitchen-diner.

1027
00:56:20,080 --> 00:56:24,960
"The sideboard at which Alan and
Mildred were munching the nibbles

1028
00:56:24,960 --> 00:56:29,120
"was situated in what suddenly
seemed a somewhat perilous position,

1029
00:56:29,120 --> 00:56:33,000
"directly beneath the rather
flimsy-looking glass skylight.

1030
00:56:39,800 --> 00:56:43,960
"Nora nudged Colin, gestured
towards it and whispered to him

1031
00:56:43,960 --> 00:56:46,560
"quietly,
so as not to alarm their guests,

1032
00:56:46,560 --> 00:56:52,520
"'Colin, reports of sharks
falling from the skies

1033
00:56:52,520 --> 00:56:54,480
"'are on the rise again.

1034
00:56:59,200 --> 00:57:02,800
"'And no-one eating
on the sideboard is safe.'"

1035
00:57:02,800 --> 00:57:05,720
"But it was too late.
APPLAUSE

1036
00:57:08,760 --> 00:57:11,760
"The first of the sharks crashed
without warning,

1037
00:57:11,760 --> 00:57:15,240
"through the shattering window and
shards of glass embedded themselves

1038
00:57:15,240 --> 00:57:17,240
"in the ham and tomato quiche.

1039
00:57:17,240 --> 00:57:20,520
"Nora looked up from the ruined
celebration flan.

1040
00:57:20,520 --> 00:57:24,800
"She saw the falling shark
rolling around on the Axminster,

1041
00:57:24,800 --> 00:57:28,360
"a floral design, which they had put
down when the extension was built.

1042
00:57:30,080 --> 00:57:33,160
"Mildred's head was
trapped between its jaws.

1043
00:57:33,160 --> 00:57:37,160
"Alan tried in vain to wrestle
her free, but succeeded only

1044
00:57:37,160 --> 00:57:39,840
"in severing his wife's
head from her spasming body.

1045
00:57:41,440 --> 00:57:45,080
"Without even a moment to grieve,
Alan found himself in mortal

1046
00:57:45,080 --> 00:57:48,080
"combat with the displaced sea
creature, its massive tail

1047
00:57:48,080 --> 00:57:50,840
"thrashing around the room,
sending sausage rolls

1048
00:57:50,840 --> 00:57:52,720
"and vol-au-vents flying,

1049
00:57:52,720 --> 00:57:57,400
"many of which were crushed
into the carpet, creating stains,

1050
00:57:57,400 --> 00:58:01,120
"which would be difficult
to remove at a later date,

1051
00:58:01,120 --> 00:58:06,880
"even for Nora, who had worked
in the dry-cleaner's... after
the dentist's.

1052
00:58:08,360 --> 00:58:12,680
"Other guests had arrived in the
front garden, which was now awash

1053
00:58:12,680 --> 00:58:15,800
"with dozens of falling sharks,
their huge jaws making mincemeat

1054
00:58:15,800 --> 00:58:20,000
"of the fleeing pensioners,
as the newly tarmacked driveway

1055
00:58:20,000 --> 00:58:23,880
"foamed with blood,
the garden path slippery with
disgorged human intestines.

1056
00:58:24,960 --> 00:58:29,160
"Two spleens, for example,
and a number of pancreases.

1057
00:58:31,000 --> 00:58:34,920
"It was then that a crestfallen
Nora had to admit the facts.

1058
00:58:34,920 --> 00:58:41,680
"Colin's 70th birthday party
was not going to go quite as
she had planned."

1059
00:58:43,120 --> 00:58:47,480
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

1060
00:58:47,480 --> 00:58:49,880
LOUD BURP

1061
00:58:56,200 --> 00:58:58,840
Erving Goffman would have
liked that.

1062
00:59:00,640 --> 00:59:04,480
♪ I got some John Coltrane
on the stereo, baby

1063
00:59:04,480 --> 00:59:07,400
♪ Make it feel all right

1064
00:59:07,400 --> 00:59:11,240
♪ I got some fine
wine in the freezer, mama

1065
00:59:11,240 --> 00:59:14,160
♪ I know what you like

1066
00:59:14,160 --> 00:59:18,400
♪ Oh, we gonna take it,
turn it, set it down

1067
00:59:18,400 --> 00:59:21,840
♪ We gonna learn about love
on a three ply rug

1068
00:59:21,840 --> 00:59:25,200
♪ My baby, gonna be all right... ♪