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Right?
OK. Settle down.
Britney, it's your turn.
Truth or dare?
Truth.
Who would you rather fuck?
David Beckham...
Tom Brady
Or Chris Long?
Duh, Chris Long.
And look at this crowd, Dick.
The feeling here is electric.
All in anticipation for this epic showdown between
L.A. Tech and Rock Fall's Pioneers.
But the big story here is the heroic play of senior phenom Chris Long.
He has literally put this team on his back
and carried them into their first Final Four.
Appearance in 23 years. How about that?
Would you listen to this crowd, Bob.
They love this kid.
Long steals the inbound pass, penetrates
the middle, spins passed Hayes dropping into the paint and...
OK. Kim is a fucking cunt.
That's right, Dick, Chris Long has had four.
Count em'.
Four consecutive triple doubles.
He shows no sign of stopping.
Chris, deserves so much better than Kim.
I mean, like, what?
OK, truth or dare?
He will easily go top five in the draft this year.
How about the top pick?
How do you spell MVP?
Chris Long.
Watch out, NBA.
Here comes Long.
I dare you...
To make out with Stacy.
That's not fair, you guys.
Just pretend she's Chris.
Chris!
Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris!
Oh my God! Can you believe this?!?
Ew, what are you sluts doing?
What do you want, Javi?
Shhh, turn off the music...
Ohhh, it's Chris!
Oh, no Dick, it looks like it's his knee this could be serious.
Ohhh, this hurts just to look at.
I've been having nightmares
like that since my accident, but I'm no Debbie Downer.
I got right back to work.
Seven thousand and eight, seven thousand and nine.
Easy, Chris, don't put too much pressure on it.
Can we be positive?
Will Smith, in the Pursuit Of Happyness was positive.
He got the job at the end. I'm going to the NBA.
I got 50 more.
And, yes, I had a Mohawk.
I'm not proud of it.
And speaking of the pursuit of happiness,
no matter what happens, I have Kim by my side.
This is a painting I did of us in my cartooning class.
I think next I want to learn animation. Oh, and oil paints.
Kim says I should write out my name.
But I kind of like it when it's just the C and the L.
To be honest, I kind of love art even
more than basketball.
But as Kim always says,
you can't make money with art.
Happy anniversary.
If you looked up
Bozo in the dictionary, you might see this image.
God, I hate that Mohawk.
What's with the suitcase?
Don't be so emotional, Chris.
Was I being emotional?
I don't think I was being emotional.
I think there was normal emotion.
I don't have time for this.
Daddy's waiting everything's in the note.
What? Whoa, whoa, slow down.
Kim. Kimmy.
What a-- Where are you going?
And this is when Kim told me how she really felt.
You're an art major.
I know.
I thought you loved my paintings.
Kim not you, too.
Kim, you can't listen to what coaches and doctors and physical therapists
and everyone else at this school says.
I'm getting drafted.
You're delusional.
Wake up.
Kim. Kim.
Kim.
Man, that mohawk looks stupid.
People will tell you to follow your dreams
until you fall short.
Then they'll call you delusional.
But sometimes when you hit rock bottom, certain people
come into your life that you would least expect and change it
forever.
The year was 2012.
The year in which I was supposed to be competing for NBA
Rookie of the Year.
But instead, I was working at a small, sweaty gym making minimum wage
And for the record, I did graduate.
And that's when it hit me.
What the hell am I going to do for a living?
I was offered a lot of jobs in the sports world.
But to be honest, I just haven't wanted to face it.
Sweat hard. A gym.
You shouldn't work out at.
Sweat Hard, a gym where no one sweats hard.
Located deep in the valley, away
from the glitz and glamor of Hollywood.
People keep telling me I need therapy.
Especially my coworker Missy.
Missy tells me I need therapy every day.
Todd, the gym owner's son,
the "manager" of this place, was in pottery class with me.
Guy couldn't make a vase to save his life.
But he offered me a job here.
In addition to working in this gym, my full time
job is trying to not be bitter.
Don't be so emotional, Chris.
Emotional Chris.
You're an art major.
Art major.
You're delusional.
Wake up.
You're delusional.
Wake up.
Excuse me.
There are so many membership packages.
I'm like, totally not sure what I want.
Oh, my God.
You look so familiar.
Do we know each other?
Oh, my God.
No, wait!
You played for LA Tech, didn't you?
O.M.G.
You're that basketball guy, right?
Can I help you ladies?
Um, you work here now?
I like, totally do.
Oh, my God. Right.
Like, isn't that, like, totally, like, crazy?
Are you mocking us?
Yeah.
Do you want a membership or what?
Thank you. Come again.
No, no, no-- Excuse me? Young ladies. Excuse me.
Hi. I'm Missy. Hi, ladies, excuse me, hi, nice to meet you--
Holy beJesus, Chris?
You really-- You really gave it to him, huh?
Bitches. Right?
Are you gonna let him speak to our customers like that?
What? They didn't-- They didn't buy anything.
Did they buy-- They didn't buy anything, did they? OK.
OK. So I might not have the best customer service,
but can you blame me?
This scantily dressed human is another co-worker of mine.
Sup, dick spit.
Bobby.
See the numbers on my YouTube video?
I'm up to a 104 views.
Bout to make that sneezing panda my bitch.
Bro, you're getting the floor all wet.
You're getting the kitchen all ugly.
Hey, Chris.
Don't you dare talk to her.
I'm not even talking to you.
You getting smart with me?
Huh, you tall fuck.
I'm an orange belt. I will ruin you.
Are we done?
I'm never done, Chris. I got twenty more laps.
And an hour more worth of legs.
And I'm not going to stop till I feel like I'm back in college
and there's a fucking party in the quad.
God, I love Mondays!
That's Gizell.
I'm pretty sure she hooks up with everyone.
Kind of want a popsicle now, too.
What you're looking at are the gym's pipes,
flooding our neighbor, Ivana's salon
with sewage.
Meanwhile, at our morning meeting, our staff gets along swimmingly.
No one is hiring.
And I know because I've tried to find extra work.
Okay. Calm down. We're not going to have to close down.
I don't think.
You stinky pigs do realize you have a business unattended outside?
Anybody care?
Okay--
This is Ivana.
She definitely abuses Adderall.
And your gross sewage pipes are leaking stank into my salon.
It's no wonder the pipes are leaking.
I told you the week before that.
Everything in this gym is broken, including the staff.
Yes. Oh, this is cute.
Oh, really? This is mature guys.
What is this? West Side Story? Did you rehearse this? Very good.
All right.
If you put this much effort into your gym maybe it wouldn't suck so fucking bad.
Smell that, it's much better.
I think her hair is pretty.
Honestly, I'm at my breaking point.
Asking myself every day.
Do I believe in second chances?
And yes, I also have a sweating problem.
Doctors say it's tied to my anxiety,
but I definitely don't need therapy.
Hello, Chris,
you look a little bit down.
Maybe I can cheer you up a little bit of a tap dance.
This is Dre.
Missy's husband.
Can bench press the building.
What are you doing?
I have an audition as a British tap dancer.
How'd I do?
And yet he's the one in the healthy relationship.
Paycheck time, huh?
What are you guys talking about?
Sports?
You know,
I've been hit with a few dodge balls back in my time, ya know?
We should get a hoop out back, huh?
Play a little B-ball.
I don't play basketball anymore, Todd.
What?
This guy. What?
Are you kidding? Why not?
You were the best man I used to hear about you all the time.
Chris Long scores thirty!
Chris Long's unstoppable!
My Dad thought you were the greatest.
He got real excited when I told him we were on the same team now.
Let's imagine
that this ticket right here represents all of my hopes and dreams.
Or better yet, my ACL, Okay?
Whoops!
There go those.
Hope you didn't need them, Chris.
This is not my life.
This is someone else's life.
Pardon me.
Jack Guy.
And that was the moment
I met the one and only Jack Guy.
He immediately put us all on edge.
But not to be a total hater.
His cologne was kind of amazing.
Jack Guy?
Is that even a real name?
Don't be jealous of his awesome name.
Todd said not all of us are gonna get fired.
As in some of us are getting fired?
Big changes are coming, Todd, it's gonna be awesome.
Oh, can you change the lock on that door for me?
I'm headed to Starbucks for a green tea latte I'll be back in twenty-ish.
Schmidty!
What the hell's going on, bro?
Let's hit that club tonight, yeah!
Todd.
What's up?
You tell us, motherfucker.
We have a new owner. What about your dad?
He said he was tired of
losing money on a business just to keep me employed,
and he wishes he would've strapped up 30 years ago.
I suck.
Do you know
he currently holds the title World's First Ever Male Supermodel.
I held that title once.
This is Buzz.
He's like an unofficial employee.
He's here all day, every day.
Guy's like 91.
That's a title?
Well then if he's so successful, what the fuck is he doing here?
He's dated Kate Beckinsale,
Cameron Diaz, and he's currently married to Adriana Lima.
The Victoria's Secret supermodel?
She asked me to marry her, once.
I bet ya even his dick has a six pack.
Not anymore.
I bet you $10.
He has a couch made of nothing but chinchilla fur
and he gets out of the pool wet, and he sits on it.
Just because he doesn't give a fuck.
Oh and he was an all Ivy League quarterback for Yale.
Record breaker, senior year, 28 touchdowns in 1 game.
Sounds like my resume.
How do you know all this?
I Google, Facebook, MySpace, Wikipedia, and Twittered him.
Plus, he told me.
Holy Sherlock.
Check her out, Holmes.
And this was someone
who is not usually around here.
Whoa.
She looked like an angel.
Who was she?
Where did she come from?
Maybe she's looking for a trainer?
Maybe I could be that trainer?
Maybe we could train together?
Maybe this is the beginning of something spec--
Of course.
Mr. Guy's got some moves.
Bet I can tell you exactly what he's saying.
Hi, I'm Jack.
Jack Guy.
I'm a supermodel, and I throw footballs incredibly far.
I'm married,
but I'd still like to bend you over the hood
of my incredibly expensive midlife crisis sports car.
Oh, my God. Your name is Jack Guy.
That is so cool.
And your wallet is so big.
If you treat me like shit, I promise I will love you forever.
Missy's right, dude.
You need therapy.
Bro, you wear a Speedo.
Did you guys hear the good news?
We're gonna be on TV.
I'm gonna be famous!
Yes. I've been training for this my whole life.
It'll be just like the iconic hit TV show The Office.
But unscripted and set in a gym.
It'll be great!
We'll have competitions, ya know, awards.
So those are the basics of the reality
show.
The less you know the better.
So let me be clear on one thing.
There will be no favorites.
We are a team.
Everybody is going to get plenty of screen time.
And I like the world to get to know each and every one of you
because I sense greatness in this room.
And speaking of the cast,
I thought
we needed a little bit more of a Zen aspect in this place.
So I'd like you to meet your new yoga instructor.
Namaste.
My humans, my earth name is Nyles.
My cosmic name is Baba Guru Yogi
G. Which you may call me once we attain enlightenment
in our practice together.
If this guy thinks I'm calling him
Baba Guru Yogi, G, he's got another thing coming to him.
Namaste. Yeah. Namaste. That's great.
I have a question.
What if we don't want our lives on display?
Everybody wants the limelight.
And the best part about this, this is only the beginning
of the Dumbbells experience.
Dumbbells?
That's our new name.
Dumbbells.
25/8.
25/8?
Exactly.
Because 24/7's for pussies.
We're Dumbbells all the time.
Speak for yourself.
So does that mean we get extra hours?
Negativo.
Operating hours remain the same.
So then how can we be called 25/8?
Perception
is reality.
Dumbbells 25/8?
But we're still open from 6 to 9?
In today's economy, reality shows have been proven to be a very valuable
mechanism to boost business profits by as much as 300%.
And speaking of percentages,
I need everybody to give that little bit extra.
So if you've been at a 100?
I need you at 150.
And if you been at 10%
I suggest a complete
attitude adjustment.
Fuck this guy.
500%. I'm done.
I thought about going pro, but I had so many modeling offers,
I figured, you know, why risk an injury?
Yeah.
On someone else's dime.
Whole education, ya know, it’s great I love--
Cliff.
Can I help you?
Actually, it's Chris.
He's a good looking, huh?
Too bad.
He's.
He's also married.
I know. Hi.
I'm Jack's niece, Rachel.
Chris.
My office.
10 minutes sharp.
Jack?
Yes.
You wanted to see me?
Yeah.
We need to talk.
I can come back.
No, no.
Right now.
I have two troubling words for you.
Jack.
Cockblock.
So you were hitting on your niece?
It's a metaphor.
This show is like my fat cock.
And nobody is going to block it.
I just want to say bye.
Rache', hi.
6 a.m.?
6 a.m.
sharp.
Wow. Cool fish.
You like it?
Yeah.
Well, it's yours.
Take it.
What? Really?
Yes. It was Todd's.
I'm sure he's going to throw it away.
Let's find the fish at home.
Consider it to be my gift to you for helping out with the show.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Wow. Cool.
I'll see you bright and early, okay?
Yeah.
All right.
Let me just make it
really, really simple for you.
Either you're a cockblock
or a Dumbbell.
You need to choose.
Honey, I'm home.
There's my MVP.
I made your favorite.
Wow.
Everything looks absolutely wonderful, dear.
Nice buzzer beating dunk over Dwight Howard tonight.
Oh, you'd think he would have learned from last time.
I set the table,
but what do you say we start with dessert first?
This is not my life.
This is someone else's life.
Chris, my man.
What is up?
You're a nice guy. I wanted to tell you this in person.
All right.
Look, you're evicted, man.
You can't live here anymore.
What?
Yeah, you're getting evicted.
You can't live here anymore.
It's just horrible, terrible stuff going on.
Your car's being towed downstairs right now, too.
I don't know if you wanted me to tell you.
Awesome.
Hey wait a sec, you uh-- You been working out?
You look nice, man. Real good. Incline?
I'll, I'll-- I'll come back.
All right.
Talk to you later.
Uhhh-- That was my boss on the phone, and he saw you coming in.
And good news
he actually thinks you look like a professional basketball player.
Isn't that great?
Does that mean I get the loan?
What? No. God, no. Not even.
Were you serious about that?
No. You have no assets to speak of.
Besides the size of your balls for even asking for that amount of money.
But look. OK, I understand.
All right. You're desperate.
Right? Everything's falling apart.
If I can offer you some advice.
Get the fuck out of my office.
Being on a reality show was not at the top of my list.
The last thing I wanted to do was share my reality with anyone.
But, Jack Guy was paying $1000 up front,
and that bought me more time with my landlord.
I'm an idiot.
Yo Mookie, you owe
ketchup, dude.
A full bottle of ketchup.
Hey, Nyles, Nyles--
Hey.
Good morning, Dumbbell. Check out the new uni's.
Not bad, huh?
You're 3 minutes late,
you get the sleeves.
So, what do you think?
You don't waste any time.
Yeah,
dreams do come true.
Hey, I'm glad you didn't pull a LeBron on us, teammate.
That's me.
Go team.
Come on.
Day one of the rest of your life.
Let's do this.
Small.
Thank you, Jack Guy.
Really?
Fuck.
Now we're talking!
What sweating problem?
That's 20
bucks old man.
This better be good shit.
Since when do you get to the gym during serious training hour?
We're filming a show aren't we?
Since when, do you want to do the show?
Bobby, stop talking to me.
Oh.
What are you "ohhhh'ing" about?
You got a little thing for Jack's niece, huh?
So I guess you made up with my Uncle?
Hi.
Hey.
Wow. Uhhh-- You look fit.
This is awkward.
I'm gonna go shoot glutamine in my ass.
So you're the Chris Long?
You didn't think I'd figure it out, did you?
I didn't really take you for the basketball fan.
Wait. Basketball?
No, I was referring to the fish.
It was signed Chris Long.
The painting, right? Yes.
Duh, me.
I'm. I'm.
I'm impressed you were able to read my signature.
Most people tell me it just looks like a like a C and a star.
Why didn't you say anything?
Oh, I uh-- you seemed so happy.
Who was I to interfere. Right?
I can't believe you painted that.
It's so cute.
Well, thank you. I'm.
I'm glad that you.
You liked it.
I named him Frank. Frank, the fish.
Do you mind?
What? That you stole my painting.
Or that you renamed Belvedere?
OK. Good morning, everyone.
Welcome to the Dumbbells experience.
We're going to have a lot of fun today,
but first, I'd like us all to give a big, warm Dumbbells
welcome to our very own Dumbbells, girls.
And I'd also like us
to give a big hand to our very acclaimed director.
Famous for his award winning short.
"I think it's HPV." Mr.
Sterling, LaBeouf.
Jones.
(French jibberish)
I'm pretty sure this guy doesn't realize he's in America.
(French jibberish)
Thank you, Sterling.
So now we're going to do a little B roll,
so please do me a fav, just pair up, work out.
And most importantly just mingle.
Pretend like we're not even here, but it is television.
So remember, it's all about looking hot.
But please, don't sweat.
OK, let's do this. Dumbbell teams out.
Whoo!
We're partners right?
But then I discovered what I loved which was psychotherapy.
Psychotherapy?
Yep.
I'm going to be a therapist.
Really? What?
You sound surprised.
No, it's just kind of funny because people are always telling me
that I need therapy.
Great stuff.
Keep going.
I love the honesty.
Physical therapy.
I mean,
and that is why I work out here.
Let's go Dumbbells!
Can you believe this shit?
Yeah.
It's a total exploitation of women.
I'm talking about Chris.
Oh. He's actually talking to her as if she's a person.
So you obviously don't like talking about basketball.
So what I want to know
is, other than adorable fish, what else do you paint?
I don't really paint that much anymore.
You're good. You should keep at it.
Are you drinking soda?
You out of your fucking mind?
I don't put that shit in my body.
I'm downing some C.O.C.
Cellular oxygen, creatine.
A liquid formula
that triples
my amino acid circulation while quadrupling my recovery time by five.
Plus it tastes like cherries.
Yea I was uh-- the captain of the gymnastics squad.
I'm gonna get a quick drink from the water fountain.
All right.
OK, so I'll be.
I'll be right back.
OK.
Oh, did you drop something?
How's the date going?
It is not a date.
It looks like a date from over here.
It is not a date.
Just tell her how you feel.
Hey. Why is only one of your pits Niagara Falling?
OK. Are
we ready for the exciting time of the show?
Gather round, gather round!
You could selling to all these people.
Keep your voice down, ok?
They're still shooting.
Namaste!
I can't have cameras rolling 25/8.
But the gym's only open from, like,
6 to 9?
You guys ready to meet your celebrity host?
Come on, come on, alright.
Now, this is a personal friend of mine,
and he just happens to be
one of the iconic sex symbols of our era.
Is it Brad Pitt?
No, no.
Oh my God. Is it Matthew McConaughey?
No.
Hulk Hogan?
Would you shut the fuck up, people.
Let me do this.
All right, come on. OK.
Drumroll, please.
Dumbbells girls, please take your places.
All right. With great pleasure.
I would like to introduce
the one
the only
the fabulous
FABIO!
Whala!
YES! YES!
Yes, I'm fucking stoked!!!
Have you tried his protein powder?
It's fucking fantastic.
So what'd you do?
You try rehabilitating it or something?
I did. I did.
And it was going really good too.
I was making really good progress.
Had some of the best physical therapists there were.
The Miami Heat even invited me to their summer league.
Wow. That's amazing.
I mean, the truth is,
I was never better than
50% after my injury.
It's crazy
how life takes us in directions we least expect, huh?
Tell me about it.
Hey! Turdface!
Some icky blond tramp just threw up in front of my salon
and we can hear your music blasting.
Ivana, listen, OK, I know when you were a little brat,
your dad gave you all the puppies and ponies you wanted.
But in the adult world, you can take a time out.
What time fucking in, Mr.
It wasn't a pony, it was a stallion.
And his name was Prancer.
And he was perfect and now he's dead. So fuck you!
This computer's like 70 years old.
Let's get out of here.
So is your mother.
And this is the point in the story
where I realize I haven't been this happy in a really long time.
It turns out Jack Guy's not so bad after all.
Gym's busier than ever.
And dare I say I'm smitten.
Are you kidding me?
Hello?
Hey, Chris, it's Kimmy.
Miss me? Of course you do. Oh, my gosh.
Daddy and I just got back from Sandro Pe, you would not believe it
I am so tan, but like perfect, not too tan because that's gross.
it's like the best skin color, ever...
Day one.
25/8 success.
Jack?
Chris, what are you still doing here?
I didn't realize anybody was still here.
I was using the Internet.
You don't have the Internet at home.?
Well, I kind of haven't paid the bill in the last couple...
seven months.
So no.
Money problems, huh?
You know what they say?
Mo money.
Mo problems.
Yeah.
What do they say about no money?
Oh, excuse.
Maria.
Que tal?
Si. Que? Oh, no problemo.
Oh, eh tambien, en pun
un case de Dos Equis
en la nevera, si.
Mis amigos Vien and Salvador.
Si.
Muchos gracias. Denada.
Buenos Noches.
Cao cao, Maria.
You speak Spanish.
What a surprise.
I used to date Sofia Vergara.
Dude, shouldn't you be at home spooning
with your Victoria's Secret supermodel wife?
Let me tell you something about me, Chris.
When I start filming something.
I never leave base camp.
It's 25/8.
baby, it's not just the talk.
I walk the walk.
Hey, could you put a towel on?
Not a locker room guy, huh?
More like not a cock in my face, guy.
You OK?
Yes, I'm fine.
You don't sound fine.
I'm fine.
I know that look.
What's her name?
OK, I know what to do.
Get comfortable.
What are you doing?
Bro. Therapy saved my life.
What is with everybody?
I don't need therapy!
She said she loved-- She said she loved me!
Guess what Kim? I don't want to play in the NBA anyway. You materialistic, fuck!
If she loved me then why did she leave?
Why don't you go whiten your teeth again?
Why don't you throw up that hamburger in the toilet again?
You didn't think I can hear it.
I can hear it every time!
She didn't even say goodbye.
She left a note.
It wasn't even grammatically correct.
And you know what else?
That painting that I did for you, guess what?
It was runner up in the Santa Monica amateur arts festival.
Two years in a row, beotch!
I guess what bothers me
the most is obsessively pondering over what I could have been.
My true potential.
An NBA Star, League MVP, happily married to Kim.
Or anything other than what I am now.
Chris.
Sometimes we need to lose everything that we think we want
in order to discover who it is that we really are.
That's deep.
It's a magnet on my refrigerator.
$4.95.
I can show you the place where I get them, they're amazing.
She told me if I passed the exam,
I could work for her father's real estate company.
$75,000 starting salary.
She goes on a retreat, and now all of a sudden, she appears.
I mean, where's she been? And why do I still give a shit?
If you didn't give a shit, you'd be just like her.
Be thankful.
You know what. You're right.
You're absolutely right.
Don't beat yourself up, pal.
That injury is probably the best thing that could happen to you.
That injury saved your life.
I don't need her,
and I don't need her daddy's money.
I've got things going on in my life.
I've got.
I've got Jack Guy.
That's right, brother.
I've got Dumbbells 25/8.
Right?
Ya know Jack,
I am feeling really good right now.
And, you know, I don't know if it's just the 14 energy
drinks, but my knee feels amazing.
I mean, look at this, huh? Hi-Ya!
Everybody should try therapy once, huh?
Hey, dumbass. Did you forget to lock the door last night?
I was a little tipsy.
Wait, do you hear music?
Good morning!
Who wants breakfast?
Energy drink?
Hey, there he is!
Day two, baby.
Ready to do this, buddy?
Nice wheels.
Hey, Jack.
Hey, something wrong?
I've been an A-hole, a jerk to both of you.
And I want you to know that
I think you're both equally amazing.
These were my issues that I was dealing with.
The check bounced you asshole.
Come on. Come on. Really?
There must be some mistake come-- Fabs You know I'm good for it.
Listen, don't call me Fab. It's Fabio.
Fab-ee-o.
Ee-o.
Fab-ee-o.
Yeah, Fabio.
Ee-o.
Yeah, ee-o, ee-o, you idiot.
B-T-Dubs.
I like Rachel. There.
I said it. I don't even care if she's standing right behind me.
I like Rachel.
I really like Rachel.
She's smart, funny, flexible.
Might try poking her later.
Facebook wise, of course.
Saul!
Call me back for the fourth time.
Where the hell are you?
I've got a huge problem.
What's wrong?
Fabio, quit.
Oh. Why?
Because he's a dick.
And the check I wrote him bounced, probably didn't help.
Oh.
I mean, I've got my money manager on it,
but what it means is
I've got everybody here, but gotta send them home and still pay for.
You should host the show.
You're always doing modeling campaigns,
you're used to being in front of a camera.
Why don't you do it?
Come on, buddy.
You can host this show, hell
you through 28 touchdowns in a single game!
That was in a season.
That does make more sense.
Yeah.
Kind of thought it was bullshit when I first heard about that.
But that's irrelevant.
OK, because you did rush for 300 yards
with the stomach flu on a bad ankle, did you not?
How do you even know that?
I Google, Facebook, MySpace, Wikipedia, and Twitter'd you.
Plus, you told me last night right before power napped.
We're all
looking through the point of view of our own reality tunnel man.
And every reality tunnel is different.
Did you know that Wikipedia says Fabio's protein is better than water?
Probably right.
(Scream!)
What you did with my lashes to make my eyes pop, perfect, I love that.
(French jibberish)
Ready to roll Sterling?
(French jibberish)
What's going on?
Why is Jack getting concealer applied?
His skin is perfect.
I've used a lot cleanser that's how I keep my skin smooth.
Fabio, quit.
Jack's the host.
And Chris is a fucking Alien. Jack.
Odd, Todd, what's up?
I was
uh-- trying to upload the footage to your Mac from yesterday
like you told me, but for some reason,
it doesn't seem that the, uh-- footage actually recorded.
What?
(French jibberish)
Sterling just hold on for a second alright?
(French jibberish)
how is that possible?
I mean, how could that be?
32 gigabytes of, beer!
I-- I don't know.
(French jibberish)
Sterling, did you know about this?
(French jibberish)
I don't understand one fucking word you're saying.
Does anyone here speak idiot?
(French jibberish)
Alright just fuck it, you know what, if you needs something
done, right. You got to do it yourself. Just.
Just roll, Sterling, I'm ready to go. Let's do this!
(French jibberish)
Fucking bitch.
Are you the owner of this establishment?
I am.
I'm with the Department of Health and pardon the pun,
but you need to get your shit together.
Have a nice day.
(French jibberish)
Hello, America! Uh--
We're in the gym.
Uh. Uhhh--
28/5, Uh--
Uh-- 20, 25, Uh-- Uh, 25.
Dumbbells 25/8
is it fitness center?
Or is it gym?
G-- Is it g-- gym?
OK. Uhhh-- But-- Yeah, I can't.
I ca-- can't work like this.
This is impossible!
Hello, America.
To be or not to be.
That is the question.
Aw, shit pancakes!
You got to be shitting me right now.
This is my fucking opportunity.
Son of a bitch, motherfucker.
Everything's OK.
It's just a coincidence that all my checks are bouncing
Saul travels a lot.
It's always hard to get a hold of.
Uncle Jack?
Hello, Rachel.
Are you OK?
Just having a few communication issues.
You know what I just thought of why don't you call Adriana?
She would make a perfect host. Problem solved.
Great idea.
Yeah. Adriana.
Adriana left me five months ago.
Oh. Is this Arcturian, related?
Arcturian?
He was in a cult for 20 years.
What like, Catholicism?
No, they worshipped a star, Arcturus.
Oh, they worshipped a star.
Arcturus. Of course.
But he escaped.
Hey.
Yes, he did.
Yeah. Oh. Oh. Look at that!
Things are looking brighter already. You see that?
Literally brighter.
And there he goes, folks.
Money manager Saul Rosenblattsteinberg
is being indicted on accusations of running a Ponzi scheme.
Involving some of Hollywood's biggest names, many of whom are linked
to the alleged cult known as Arcturian Lifestyles,
which was first exposed by famous model and former member
Jack Guy, who was also a victim in this tragic
turn of events.
Jack Guy
had his demons, too, like all of us.
Adriana never loved me.
She said she did, but she didn't.
She wen't away on a photo shoot and she never even came back.
I didn't join the cult mother!
No one joins a cult!
I was brainwashed!
She fell in love with some German photographer with a ponytail.
They told me I was saving the world they said sign here.
You’ll help save the world. I signed!
What would you do!?
Dirk.
Dirk the jerk.
And to answer your question.
Yes. Yes, I did think the spaceships were coming!
I guess what bothers me
the most is that no one ever seems to take me seriously.
I mean, even in the cult, my nickname was Dipshit.
Therapy did the trick again.
But the truth still remained.
Jack Guy was flat broke, and now he couldn't pay his landlord.
Once again, I'm really, really sorry.
But in light of
everything that's happened,
unless some sort of miracle occurs, I strongly encourage
all of you to explore other employment opportunities.
Three days of working here, you get a shut down!?
She's pregnant.
You are the best, best,
best, best-- You're the bestest.
Chrissy-poo.
I love you.
You are perfect in every way.
Except for one itsy-bitsy
teeny tiny little thing.
What's that?
You're a fucking loser! LOSER!
Don't be so emotional Chris.
Loser. Loser.
You're an art major. Loser.
This is not my life!
LOSER!
This is someone else's life.
We take the underprivileged kids
that I work with to the park to get some outdoor activity.
I was thinking maybe you could come by and show some basketball moves
or something.
Yeah, that sounds awesome.
You're early.
I figured I could use some practice.
Let's play some basketball.
Ta-daaa!
I figured we'd have to eat.
Right.
Check it out. Hey, boo. Boo.
I got this picnic basket from the park ranger myself.
Boo boo.
Yogi Bear?
OK, let's eat.
First up, my famous homemade macaroni salad.
Chris--
Next up is a 1981 bottle of merlot
given to me by my great grandmother over a decade ago.
For a special occasion.
And lastly for dessert,
peach and raspberry cobbler pie...
Oh, I'm sorry.
You wanted to say something...
I--
If you're such a superstar player, how come you can't dunk?
Well, I actually used to be able to dunk pretty well back in the day, so.
I still don't think you can.
Bu-gawk!
Seriously, Manny!
I got ten baseball cards that says you can't.
Oooh.
All right.
OK, let's be nice.
Bu-gawk! Bok Bok Bok! Bu-gawk!
Manny!
Chris. Chris.
Chris. Chris. Chris. Chris. Chris.
Please, God.
Don't make me look stupid in front of Rachel and all these kids.
Hey, baby. Huh?
I got back early.
What's going on?
Look at you.
You look healthy.
What's. What's up with all the rug rats?
Wow, Chris, I'm really sorry.
I never saw that one coming.
Yeah, me neither, Manny. Me neither.
Is this like a charity thing
or homeless people thing?
Yes. No, that's.
Hey, that's fair.
You know, that's how you feel, so.
Yes, for sure. OK.
See you at lunch.
All right.
Well, listen, that was my boss.
And he saw you coming in. And good news.
He thinks you look like a movie star.
Yeah, an action hero. Hi-ya!
Ge-ge-ge-pfshhh!
No, Daddy, I love you stuff.
So does
that mean I have the loan?
No. No. Oh, God, no.
No. In fact, I believe his words were.
Get him out of my building.
I'm not really sure, because when he gets angry,
he yells in Korean, which is weird, because he's from Europe.
The loan?
No, that's.
No, you're not even close to getting a loan.
You have no assets to speak of, like, whatsoever.
It's.
It's kind of embarrassing, actually, a man of your age,
when, in fact, you owe a ton of people a ton of money.
So let's hope they're not Italian.
Chris,
Chris, wait up. Chris?
Yeah. What's up?
I'm sorry. Look, I meant to tell you.
Don't be silly. Look, it's totally cool. I just.
What time is it?
I promised a friend that I would help him move today.
I got to get to IKEA.
Chris.
t's totally cool. You're engaged.
Not a big deal.
I mean, he looks like a successful guy.
Chris.
Look, I just came help you with the kids right?
Babe?
You ready?
It was nice meeting you, Cliff.
Yeah. You too--
Excuse me.
Yeah.
No, I took care of that.
I swear to God, you call me again like that.
No just make the deal.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What were you saying?
It was nice to meet you.
And by the way, thanks for helping Rachey out.
You know, I know those semen demons can be a handful, right?
Yeah.
And by the way, which one's your chariot?
You mean my car?
Exactly.
OK.
Yeah, well, you know, I actually walked
because it was such a nice day, so I'm going to go.
With a fucked up knee like that I call bullshit.
She calls shotgun.
Get in.
Huh.
Where's Manny?
Who?
Manny.
You can give me a handy later. Let's go.
Oh, what the fuck was that a fucking pterodactyl?
Uh-- Jeez--
You are a total fuck up.
We tier of your resistance and your incompetence.
The end of days is upon us.
The spaceships are coming, and you shall learn your lesson!
No, no, no, no.
Not the hair!
Anything but the hair!
NO!!!
You're evicted.
It hurts me, bro.
I'm sorry.
Can I borrow your Titanic DVD?
Are you serious?
Smells good in here, man.
You still owe me Sleepless in Seattle.
That was yours?
Get out of here.
I gave that back to you.
You did not give that back to me.
Say it. I gave that back to you.
You did not give that back to me, dammit.
I'll get your DVD.
I'll get it back to you.
Yeah.
Harold, look--
SURPRISE!
What are you doing here?
What do you mean?
What am I doing here?
I've come back to you.
Ummm...
Kim, uh-- you...
You should go.
Why?
Chris, I know that you think
I wasn't very nice to you in the past, but we were kids then.
And we are not kids anymore.
Are we?
No, we are not.
Oh, that.
That tickles.
By the way, Daddy said you can start at a hundred.
And hundred thousand dollars?
Uh, huh.
Oh, OK.
All right. Kim.
Kim. Kim, I need to know.
What?
Why now?
Why not now, I'm horny.
No. Why now? All of a sudden?
Do you want to be with me?
Chris, I've always loved you.
And when you got hurt, I was scared.
Jack?
Oh shit. Oh my God.
Holy pigeon shit.
Here's to two hearts becoming one.
My beloved Kimmy.
And Chris. Salute.
Cheers, sir.
Oh. Here we are princess, fat free...
Sugar free, gluten free.
Vegan lettuce cups.
Minus the rice and the oil.
Which I'm sure is much tastier than the chef always makes it.
Is that corn?
Yes. No, it is not.
It is. It is.
It is. Or it isn't?
It is if I'm being truthful about it.
It is corn.
It is.
It is corn.
Yeah.
Tha-- That's bad?
(Scream)
Daddy!?
I'm so sorry.
I'm a horrible person, and I will go improve myself
around the corner.
How difficult is it for this restaurant
to get it right?
So as you can see
the living room is very spacious.
Well, I see that there's a pool,
but where's the tennis court?
We were told this property has a tennis court.
Where do we go when the servants are cleaning the house?
There's a ping pong table in the basement.
How dare you?
I have not been practicing my backhand for nothing.
Why is there so much furniture in this room?
Well, ma'am, sometimes we give prospective buyers
an idea of what it will look like once they move in and furnish the uh--
It's pretty shitty trim who did it?
Jack?
Jack who?
Is he in the union?
He's speaking to you, dimwit.
I'm sorry.
I'm suffering from explosive diarrhea.
I will be right back.
Oh.
I suggest you take a shit!
Jack?
Call me Lonestar.
Lay low.
Lonestar?
Yeah.
That's what you want me to call you?
Yeah.
Lonestar?
Yeah.
That's what we're going with?
Absolutely.
Sure. What's up, Lonestar?
I can't let you do this.
Do what?
This. Look at you.
Look at me?
Jack--
Lonestar.
Lonestar, look at you.
You don't think I look good as a brunette?
I think it brings out my eyes.
Jack.
Lonestar.
Lonestar!
You look insane.
This is insane.
Oh.
Bianca.
Bianca where are you? You got to see this.
You're not going to believe this, Bianca!
Bia-- Ohhh--
Look, I'm happy right now, OK?
I've got my life together.
I've got money.
I can pay my rent for the first time, in like I don't even know how long.
Kim and I are happy.
Things are great.
Oh, everything's great, huh?
Oh, come on. Open your eyes.
Is this really what you want?
You are a foul loathsome young man.
Loathsome!
I'm going to call your office and file a complaint!
She had the nerve to say
this is a basketball expert that my uncle sent here to help us today.
I mean, it was so.
I looked like a fool, Jack.
Lonestar.
Lonestar, I completely misread the entire situation.
You didn't misread anything.
Her lame-o fiancee, Clay.
The guys been playing with her for years.
Don't you see Clay is Rachel's Kim.
The guy is always away on business trips, coming and going like the
breeze.
The poor girls been left feeling lonely, confused, and sad.
He's not the right guy for her.
We've all known that.
But Rachel didn't realize until she met you.
She said that?
Not exactly.
But I know that's what she thinks.
Jack--
Lonestar.
Lonestar!
The cult tried to kill my dreams.
I'm never gonna let anybody ever do that again.
Don't give up on Rachel, buddy.
And more importantly, don't give up on yourself.
You deserve better than this.
This.
Sheesh!
Vile, vile, vile, vile!
This isn't your life.
This is somebody else's life.
Wow, Jack, this is freakishly good.
One good thing about being in a cult
planning to take over the world every day makes you very meticulous.
And a great strategist.
Apparently.
Oh, you know what else we should do?
We should do a whole grassroots social media marketing campaign.
All right, let's get to work!
And get a little more comfortable here.
Chris.
Kim.
Dude, she is hot.
You're not helping.
Alright I'll meet you out front.
Be strong.
Who was that?
And what were you two doing?
It's my friend, Lonestar.
Alright, Daddy's waiting, ok--
Kim
I'm leaving.
I know.
We have to go.
No. I'm leaving alone.
We're not driving to Daddy's separately.
I'm not going to Daddy's.
Okay. This? Us?
It's over.
Your jokes aren't even funny.
Goodbye, Kim.
Oh, God is this you being emotional again?
Don't be so emotional, Chris.
You're an art major.
You're delusional.
Wake up.
You know what, Kim?
I'm a cancer, and we are emotional.
Art majoring, empathetic.
Fish painting.
Motherfuckers.
Have a great life. Oh.
And you wake up.
God, I feel amazing.
I feel like I could climb a mountain or something.
Why are we in a Prius?
I thought you had a Lamborghini?
Had to downsize for the mission.
Oh.
Wait, where are we going?
Page two. Step one, blue highlight.
Payback.
You want me to pretend to be your lawyer?
Oh, yes.
Oh, no.
Those fuckers took 6 million from me.
We need that money to save the gym.
You gave a cult $6 million dollars?! Are you out of your mind?
Listen.
I was a light-being investing in the star Arcturus.
Plus, they told me it was a write-off.
Look, Jack, I'm a-- Lonestar.
Lonestar. Look, I can't do this. I'm sorry.
It's too much.
I'm sorry. I can't.
We have all the power.
Just play the role.
It will be fine.
I did take an acting class back in college.
Perfect.
What do I call myself?
I don't want them knowing my real name.
Ronald.
Ronald McDonald, son.
OK, you ready?
What are we doing in a dentist's office?
Think about it.
That's how they get you.
Everybody needs to get their teeth cleaned.
Ron?
Yes, that's me.
Uhh-- Ron.
Arcturian Lifestyles.
This is Venus, how can I help you?
Have a seat.
Hello, benevolent leader.
You dare bring an outsider in here, dipshit.
I just want to say that I don't.
I don't judge.
I don't believe in judging others based on their personal views.
I actually, I used to have a shaved head back when I swam
made me more, more aerodynamic.
This right here is my lawyer.
Your worst nightmare.
Hey, uh-- I'm-- His lawyer.
My name is
Ronald... McDonald...
son...
I mostly do
pro bono work downtown.
Just pretend he's Kim.
Alright, motherfucker.
I want you to listen, and I want you to listen really good.
Your organization owes my client...
Upwards of 6 million dollars!
My client has suffered from anxiety.
Depression, erectile dysfunction!
I've got that last problem under control--
And I will not stop
until justice has been upheld
my bald friends!
Are you dentists familiar with the iPhone audio recorder app?
Well, lucky for me, my
client was during your little routine kidnapping.
You remember that, do you, Chuckles?
Because I do...
behold evidence A!
Can you just-- Just give it to me.
Can you just give it to me?
Relax.
BEHOLD EVIDENCE A!
No, no.
No, no, no.
Not the hair anything but the hair! No!!!!!
goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat,
goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat!
Silence! Arcturians!
Fuck this goat... on the floor!
(Goat noises)
Oh yeah!
(Goat noises)
Oh, and by the way,
that is not the only copy of that recording.
I've got that shit on my iCloud.
$6,000.
Yeah, baby! Boom!
Take that to the bank dipshits!
For the record, I didn't fuck that goat.
Oh, and Jack, please, don't try to play matchmaker with Rachel.
She's engaged.
Not anymore.
It's like the band's back together. Huh?
Hey, are you sure you invited her?
Yes, I'm sure. Relax.
Are you positive?
Trust me.
Hey!
Oh, yes.
Now that works.
That suits that suits you.
Speaking of bands, Jack's hair?
Fucking perfect. Look at it.
I just hope Bon Jovi has good news because we couldn't find anywhere
that was hiring.
And we're saving up for a Kia.
That's a great vehicle.
Well, listen, I got to rally the troops.
I'll talk more in a little bit, okay?
Alright.
Blondes way better.
Oh, yeah.
Hey.
How are ya?
Great.
Thanks for coming.
Of course. Gotta support my Uncle, right?
Right.
Look, I'm sorry for everything.
No, no, don't be sorry.
Water under the bridge.
OK, everyone
welcome back, everybody.
I'd just like to say it's fantastic to see you
all back in your uniform's again.
And I know that we've had some bumps in the road.
We've come up with a three part plan, Todd, hand out the binders.
Now, when I escaped,
I knew that I would have to face the leader once more.
Escaped?
The leader?
That's right--
I was in a cult for 20 years,
and I'm not ashamed,
and I'm not hiding anymore.
In fact, I'm not only fighting back
but I'm taking those mind sucking, alien loving parasites down.
I won't stop until I retrieve the $5,994,000 that they still owe me.
They will be begging me for mercy.
Across the universe.
The name Jack Guy will cause fear in the hearts of every Arcturian!
Yes-- Bobby.
So you want us to help you take the cult down
to get your money back to save this gym?
No, no, not at all. I was just venting.
It's a really important part of the healing process.
My therapist says it's vital.
I think what Jack is trying to say is that
after my injury, I started to play the victim in life,
and I was acting as if life robbed me of something that I deserved.
And I quit
on myself.
But I'm tired of sitting on the sideline.
I'm ready to get back in the game, and I'm ready to play some ball.
And what I want to know is, who wants to play some ball?
Bobby? Yes.
So you want us to join a basketball league?
No.
I think what Chris and Jack
are trying to say is if we work as a team,
we could turn dumbbells business around and save everyone's job.
Ohhh.
Isn’t that what we said?
Perfect.
Guys!
Hey.
Hi.
Wow. You look
beautiful.
Thank you.
Can I steal her for a minute?
Sure.
Thank you, Missy.
Hey. Any bats in the cave?
You're clear.
You know, I'm really glad you and I teamed up Chris--
Holy Valkyrie on Blu ray. Is that Tom Cruise?
Sometimes you just got to say, what the fuck make your move.
Woo, woo!
No, actually, that is not Tom Cruise.
That is Tom Cruise.
The truth. It doesn't matter
perception is reality.
Help me help you.
Help me.
Help you help me.
Help you.
Guys.
A real life Hollywood producer just gave me his card.
Said I had a dynamic look and wants to make me a star.
Awesome.
Congrats buddy.
Talk to you soon.
He reminds me of a young Macaulay Culkin.
OK, so I haven't told Dre, but, we're having twins!
What?! Oh my God, congratulations!
Thank you so much I'm so excited.
You're gonna make the cutest mom.
It's kind of crazy to think that I wanted to quit not even a month ago.
Yeah, we all want to quit at one time or another.
Important thing is to hang in the game because tomorrow
always bring another surprise.
What do you think about my wig?
It looks exactly like your real hair.
It's kind of weird.
Speaking of surprises, that is for you.
What's this?
I was able to salvage the footage from the reality show.
I edited it together,
added effects cool transitions, graphics, the whole nine.
Wow. How'd you learn to do that?
I was an art major.
Very cool.
Did you know we already have 42 new members.
Are any of them rich men?
Gizell, don't be a slut.
Well,
things are looking pretty good right now, huh Todd?
Yeah.
You guys did a really good job at this place.
My dad couldn't do this. He said I suck.
He sucks.
I am sorry to interrupt, Buzz, but, if I may cut in?
Well, I was just going to ask her to marry me, but it wouldn't work out.
Be free.
Shall we?
I'm all yours.
Well, congratulations on a very, very successful party.
You boys sure have come a long way.
Thank you.
Well, we've been doing a lot of according.
According?
I believe it was Sigmund Freud
who said man should not strive to eliminate his complexes.
But to get into accord with them for they legitimately direct his conduct...
...in the world.
Wow. I am impressed.
You like that?
Yeah--
You didn't see that one coming, did ya?
I did not.
I have you to thank.
For what?
For everything.
Are you getting emotional on me?
I'm sorry.
That's, that's lame, isn’t it?
Are you kidding me?
I don't know one girl who wouldn't love a man
who's in touch with their feelings...
And I wanted to say...
Thank you.
For respecting my boundaries.
I love respecting your boundaries.
My pursuit of happiness wasn't about finding somebody new to love.
It was about learning how to love myself again.
We've all got our demons. But with a good support system.
It's amazing what can happen.
Look who's got it all on camera you adorable love birds. This is perfect.
Chris!
They’re playing your DVD on the projector everyone loves it.
You gotta come check it out.
Sorry for C-blocking man.
Hey, Jack.
Hey, the Maloofs!
You guys made it. Gavin, Joe, how are you guys doing?
Fine.
Fabio told us you're having a party.
I'm glad you guys can make you have some fun?
Yeah, we're having fun-- Unfortunately, we're in a big rush.
Our helicopters picking us up in five.
We came here to pitch something.
We're branching out of Vegas, now.
We're producing television content,
and we were looking at the footage over here
and thought that the--
The premise rocks.
We love the name.
Could be a reality show. Or I'm thinking of even franchising
it. Let's talk more on Monday we'll discuss the details.
Abso-Maloofley!
All right. OK.
OK, guys.
Alright, Jack.
Sorry you got to leave.
So do I believe in second chances?
Hell, I believe in third and fourth chances.
Jack Guy credited my video with landing the franchise deal,
so he gave me equity part ownership of Dumbbells, the brand.
In life, we get multiple chances, so don't beat yourself up
if a career didn't work out or if you were in a failed relationship,
or if you were in a cult that believed in the alien takeover.
The point is, perception is reality,
and it's never too late to reinvent yourself.
And Jack Guy was right.
Sometimes you do need to lose everything you think
you want to discover who it is that you actually are.
And I must admit,
it feels really good to say
this is my life.
And even more importantly...
NO MOHAWK!