1 00:00:01,568 --> 00:00:03,236 Iguana jerky? 2 00:00:03,236 --> 00:00:04,671 -No, thanks. -You sure? 3 00:00:04,671 --> 00:00:05,939 It's a rare 4 00:00:05,939 --> 00:00:07,374 -and cantankerous delicacy. -I'm good. 5 00:00:07,374 --> 00:00:08,541 Well, I got plenty of different varieties 6 00:00:08,541 --> 00:00:10,009 in my billfold, if that's what 7 00:00:10,009 --> 00:00:11,244 floats your apple. Let's see. 8 00:00:11,244 --> 00:00:13,413 Ostrich, cicada, I got dolphin, 9 00:00:13,413 --> 00:00:15,382 albino dolphin, porpoise, 10 00:00:15,382 --> 00:00:18,051 albino porpoise, tarantula, Bunnicula, 11 00:00:18,051 --> 00:00:20,353 -fuckin' emu. -I'm fine, thank you. 12 00:00:20,353 --> 00:00:21,988 Suit yourself, Saltine. More for me. 13 00:00:21,988 --> 00:00:23,456 [munching] 14 00:00:23,456 --> 00:00:25,558 Oop, that one's not cured all the way through. 15 00:00:25,558 --> 00:00:27,360 [chuckling]: That's good luck, though. 16 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,095 And now back to this week's Arky Rankings. 17 00:00:29,095 --> 00:00:30,230 RIP: Ooh, turn it up. 18 00:00:30,230 --> 00:00:32,432 Coming in at number one: Zane Troy, 19 00:00:32,432 --> 00:00:33,933 fresh off his triumphant hire 20 00:00:33,933 --> 00:00:35,201 by Quail Eegan. 21 00:00:35,201 --> 00:00:36,569 I don't have a son, but if I did, 22 00:00:36,569 --> 00:00:38,671 I'd throw him away and make Zane my son. 23 00:00:38,671 --> 00:00:41,274 And I would go along with that, no matter the emotional fallout. 24 00:00:41,274 --> 00:00:43,376 One person not appearing on the Arky Rankings: 25 00:00:43,376 --> 00:00:45,378 Rip Digman. Just thought I'd mention that. 26 00:00:45,378 --> 00:00:46,746 Moving on to our next story: 27 00:00:46,746 --> 00:00:47,914 Santa Claus has announced 28 00:00:47,914 --> 00:00:49,249 that he will be participating 29 00:00:49,249 --> 00:00:50,750 in No Nut November. 30 00:00:50,750 --> 00:00:52,685 Well, pickle shit. 31 00:00:52,685 --> 00:00:54,521 Oh, don't worry, Rip, he'll blow a load in December. 32 00:00:54,521 --> 00:00:56,589 Not that, the Arky Rankings. 33 00:00:56,589 --> 00:00:58,224 12 years ago, I was number one, 34 00:00:58,224 --> 00:00:59,592 and now I can't even crack 'em. 35 00:00:59,592 --> 00:01:01,394 You know, you'll never make the rankings 36 00:01:01,394 --> 00:01:03,496 if you keep passing on every job that comes in. 37 00:01:03,496 --> 00:01:04,864 Well, the only job offers I'm getting 38 00:01:04,864 --> 00:01:06,900 are from little rinky-dink museums. 39 00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:08,535 New job offer just came in, Rip. 40 00:01:08,535 --> 00:01:10,703 Let me guess, some rinky-dink museum? 41 00:01:10,703 --> 00:01:13,473 Yeah, it's rinky and, from what I can tell, 42 00:01:13,473 --> 00:01:15,241 dinky, too. You want me to pass? 43 00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:16,643 Rip, before you say no, just listen: 44 00:01:16,643 --> 00:01:18,578 I have formulated a five-point plan 45 00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:20,079 to get you back atop the rankings, 46 00:01:20,079 --> 00:01:22,282 and step number one is to successfully complete 47 00:01:22,282 --> 00:01:23,383 a small-time job. 48 00:01:23,383 --> 00:01:24,484 Well, what are the other steps? 49 00:01:24,484 --> 00:01:25,618 I didn't want to spoil it, 50 00:01:25,618 --> 00:01:27,353 but step four is a makeover. 51 00:01:27,353 --> 00:01:28,655 Well, I like that. 52 00:01:28,655 --> 00:01:30,657 Of course you do. My plan will work. 53 00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:31,758 Just trust me. 54 00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:32,826 [echoing]: Trust me. 55 00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:34,093 You won't regret hiring me 56 00:01:34,093 --> 00:01:35,662 as your assistant. Trust me. 57 00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:37,564 Consider this my resignation. 58 00:01:37,564 --> 00:01:40,667 Bella! I will not let you die! 59 00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:43,169 -I'll never trust you, Zane! -Whoa, okay. 60 00:01:43,169 --> 00:01:44,504 I learned my lesson about 61 00:01:44,504 --> 00:01:46,105 blindly trusting an assistant. 62 00:01:46,105 --> 00:01:47,707 Agatha, tell that rinky-dink museum 63 00:01:47,707 --> 00:01:49,409 to make like Christopher McCandless 64 00:01:49,409 --> 00:01:51,044 -and take a hike. -The Into the Wild guy? 65 00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:52,412 Yeah, do you have a problem 66 00:01:52,412 --> 00:01:54,013 with what I said, Saltine? 67 00:01:54,013 --> 00:01:56,483 He famously took a hike. I'm halfway through that book, 68 00:01:56,483 --> 00:01:57,884 -and the guy is all about hikes. -Actually, Rip, 69 00:01:57,884 --> 00:01:59,586 you know how you've got that snake terrarium? 70 00:01:59,586 --> 00:02:02,455 Because they're my favorite animal, yeah, go on. 71 00:02:02,455 --> 00:02:04,324 And the snakes require heat lamps. 72 00:02:04,324 --> 00:02:05,825 Because they're ectothermic, yes. Continue. 73 00:02:05,825 --> 00:02:07,627 Well, those lamps use a lot of power, 74 00:02:07,627 --> 00:02:09,596 and we're way behind on our bills, 75 00:02:09,596 --> 00:02:11,231 so you should take the job because 76 00:02:11,231 --> 00:02:12,665 we desperately need the money. 77 00:02:12,665 --> 00:02:14,901 Okay, fine. I'll do it for my beloved snakes. 78 00:02:14,901 --> 00:02:16,169 So what's the job? 79 00:02:16,169 --> 00:02:18,004 Welcome to the Museum of Confetti. 80 00:02:18,004 --> 00:02:19,405 The only museum dedicated to 81 00:02:19,405 --> 00:02:21,241 indistinguishable little scraps of paper. 82 00:02:21,241 --> 00:02:22,609 Oh, man. 83 00:02:22,609 --> 00:02:24,310 So, this one is from the London Olympics' 84 00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:27,347 opening ceremony, and this one is from the closing ceremony. 85 00:02:27,347 --> 00:02:29,983 Wait, that's the closing, and this is the opening. 86 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,352 I'm sorry. I feel so ashamed right now. 87 00:02:32,352 --> 00:02:34,020 -Kind of wish I could die. -Oh, no. 88 00:02:34,020 --> 00:02:35,889 Anyways, I was hoping you could help me find 89 00:02:35,889 --> 00:02:38,658 a piece of the most historically significant confetti ever. 90 00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:40,627 I didn't know confetti had a history. 91 00:02:40,627 --> 00:02:42,028 -Please share. -[groans] 92 00:02:42,028 --> 00:02:43,363 PETEY: Hundreds of years ago in Ital, 93 00:02:43,363 --> 00:02:44,864 it was a young boy's birthday, 94 00:02:44,864 --> 00:02:46,633 but his family couldn't afford any gifts. 95 00:02:46,633 --> 00:02:48,635 So the boy sat alone, wishing for a miracle, 96 00:02:48,635 --> 00:02:50,036 when someone emptied their trash, 97 00:02:50,036 --> 00:02:51,371 filled with small pieces of paper, 98 00:02:51,371 --> 00:02:53,206 out the window above him. 99 00:02:53,206 --> 00:02:54,507 -♪ La-la-la-la-la... ♪ -His prayers were answered, 100 00:02:54,507 --> 00:02:55,808 and confetti was born. 101 00:02:55,808 --> 00:02:57,744 On the dark web, I came across a tip 102 00:02:57,744 --> 00:03:00,113 as to the location of one of the original pieces. 103 00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:02,482 It says it's hidden near the Rialto Bridge, 104 00:03:02,482 --> 00:03:03,850 but I can't go to Italy. 105 00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:05,552 Who would sing to my confetti at night? 106 00:03:05,552 --> 00:03:07,587 -[groans] -Five-point plan. 107 00:03:07,587 --> 00:03:10,189 Fine, yes, we're in. Swooper, gas up the plane. 108 00:03:10,189 --> 00:03:11,558 We're headed to Venice, Italy. 109 00:03:11,558 --> 00:03:12,825 Plane's already gassed up. 110 00:03:12,825 --> 00:03:14,694 If I add any more, it will explode. 111 00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:16,563 Is that what you want? 'Cause I swear to God, 112 00:03:16,563 --> 00:03:19,332 I'll do it, Rip. I'll do anything for you, man! 113 00:03:28,074 --> 00:03:30,209 RIP: Well, seems like Petey's tip was a bust, 114 00:03:30,209 --> 00:03:32,745 and that stupid piece of paper's nowhere to be found. 115 00:03:32,745 --> 00:03:34,280 What are you getting up to over there? 116 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:35,715 The confetti may not be on the bridge, 117 00:03:35,715 --> 00:03:37,317 but it could be in the bridge. 118 00:03:37,317 --> 00:03:39,652 I noticed an opening, so I'm having Fleety look inside. 119 00:03:39,652 --> 00:03:42,088 We can watch with my newest cool invention: 120 00:03:42,088 --> 00:03:43,456 The FleetyCam. 121 00:03:43,456 --> 00:03:44,791 RIP: Oh, yeah, look at that. 122 00:03:44,791 --> 00:03:46,626 SALTINE: That must be it. Go, Fleety. 123 00:03:46,626 --> 00:03:48,294 RIP: Oh. Oh, God. 124 00:03:48,294 --> 00:03:50,196 Fleety, watch out! What the...? 125 00:03:50,196 --> 00:03:51,431 Fleety? How did you...? 126 00:03:51,431 --> 00:03:52,966 The video's on a 30-second delay. 127 00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:54,400 Would you have preferred a live feed? 128 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:55,535 Yeah, of course. 129 00:03:55,535 --> 00:03:57,070 I mean, little anticlimactic. 130 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,638 Kind of wanted to see how Fleety got out of that. 131 00:03:58,638 --> 00:04:00,206 Nice work, buddy. Here's your treat. 132 00:04:00,206 --> 00:04:01,641 [snorts, sighs] 133 00:04:01,641 --> 00:04:03,176 Well, there it is, whoop-de-doo, 134 00:04:03,176 --> 00:04:06,045 a boring piece of confetti that nobody cares about. 135 00:04:06,045 --> 00:04:07,480 -Confetti? -Confetti? 136 00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:09,115 Did somebody say "confetti"? 137 00:04:09,115 --> 00:04:11,851 CROWD: ♪ Confetti, confetti ♪ 138 00:04:11,851 --> 00:04:13,052 ♪ Confetti, confetti, confetti. ♪ 139 00:04:13,052 --> 00:04:14,053 Confetti! 140 00:04:14,053 --> 00:04:15,888 Wow, I guess people here 141 00:04:15,888 --> 00:04:17,223 really do love confetti. 142 00:04:17,223 --> 00:04:19,559 Hold on, there's something written on this. 143 00:04:19,559 --> 00:04:21,060 [tires screech] 144 00:04:21,060 --> 00:04:22,161 They've got the confetti. 145 00:04:22,895 --> 00:04:24,364 RIP: Guys, I love the hat, 146 00:04:24,364 --> 00:04:26,232 but I think it's too long. 147 00:04:26,232 --> 00:04:28,301 [tires screech] 148 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,303 [both gasp] 149 00:04:30,303 --> 00:04:31,671 MAN: Welcome, Rip Digman. 150 00:04:31,671 --> 00:04:33,506 What the hell is going on here? 151 00:04:33,506 --> 00:04:36,342 We are the descendants of Julius Caesar, 152 00:04:36,342 --> 00:04:38,911 and my name is Cale. Cale Caesar. 153 00:04:38,911 --> 00:04:42,081 But before you say anything, I've heard all the jokes. 154 00:04:42,081 --> 00:04:43,383 And I love them, 155 00:04:43,383 --> 00:04:46,319 so if you'd like to make any, I am all ears. 156 00:04:46,319 --> 00:04:49,389 Uh, your name sounds like a salad? 157 00:04:50,189 --> 00:04:51,791 [laughs] 158 00:04:51,791 --> 00:04:54,293 I actually hadn't heard that one before. 159 00:04:54,293 --> 00:04:56,462 [laughs] Wow, you went right at it. 160 00:04:56,462 --> 00:04:58,598 We are known as the Little Caesars. 161 00:04:58,598 --> 00:05:00,733 And, yes, I've heard all the jokes. 162 00:05:00,733 --> 00:05:02,602 Those ones, I don't like. 163 00:05:02,602 --> 00:05:04,771 Seems arbitrary, but humor is subjective. 164 00:05:04,771 --> 00:05:07,373 We will stop at nothing to return the Caesars to power. 165 00:05:07,373 --> 00:05:09,008 For years we have been searching 166 00:05:09,008 --> 00:05:11,477 for the world's original batch of confetti 167 00:05:11,477 --> 00:05:13,613 because it is actually a torn-up map 168 00:05:13,613 --> 00:05:16,482 leading to one of Italy's greatest lost treasures. 169 00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:18,851 The knife Brutus used to kill Caesar. 170 00:05:18,851 --> 00:05:20,119 Ah, shit. 171 00:05:20,119 --> 00:05:22,255 CALE: Legend has it that the knife is cursed, 172 00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:23,589 and anyone who holds it 173 00:05:23,589 --> 00:05:25,758 is overcome by the desire to kill their boss. 174 00:05:25,758 --> 00:05:27,393 Just like Brutus did to Caesar. 175 00:05:27,393 --> 00:05:28,828 CALE: Many have sought the knife to 176 00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:30,797 exploit its power, so, hundreds of years ago, 177 00:05:30,797 --> 00:05:32,899 the great Venetian mapmaker Fra Mauro 178 00:05:32,899 --> 00:05:33,933 hid the knife 179 00:05:33,933 --> 00:05:35,501 and drew a map to its location. 180 00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:36,836 But when evildoers closed in 181 00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:38,705 on Fra Mauro, he tore up the map, 182 00:05:38,705 --> 00:05:40,139 scattering the pieces to the wind. 183 00:05:40,139 --> 00:05:41,741 -[Fra grunts] -♪ La-la-la-la ♪ 184 00:05:41,741 --> 00:05:43,276 ♪ La-la-la-la-la. ♪ 185 00:05:43,276 --> 00:05:45,445 The writing on the back, that's why you grabbed us. 186 00:05:45,445 --> 00:05:46,779 We found the final piece. 187 00:05:46,779 --> 00:05:48,915 Precisely. The map is now complete, 188 00:05:48,915 --> 00:05:51,584 but there's no "X" marking the knife's location, 189 00:05:51,584 --> 00:05:52,618 just a Latin riddle 190 00:05:52,618 --> 00:05:54,487 that you will help us solve. 191 00:05:54,487 --> 00:05:56,322 And why would we help you? 192 00:05:56,322 --> 00:05:57,690 Because if you don't, 193 00:05:57,690 --> 00:06:00,259 you'll find yourself at the bottom of a canal. 194 00:06:00,259 --> 00:06:01,694 -With scuba equipment on? -No. 195 00:06:01,694 --> 00:06:03,296 -Damn it. -GIRL: Lunch is here. 196 00:06:03,296 --> 00:06:05,131 Okay, I've got a Caesar salad. 197 00:06:05,131 --> 00:06:07,100 -That's me. -And I've got a Caesar salad. 198 00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:08,568 -That's mine. -GIRL: A make-your-own salad 199 00:06:08,568 --> 00:06:10,136 with romaine, anchovies, parmesan, 200 00:06:10,136 --> 00:06:11,771 -croutons, Caesar dressing. -Oh, that's... Hey, that's mine. 201 00:06:11,771 --> 00:06:13,740 You guys want any salad? 202 00:06:13,740 --> 00:06:15,108 And they stole the map and escaped. 203 00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:17,009 [sighs] I feel like that's on all of us. 204 00:06:17,009 --> 00:06:19,045 You know, I mean, honestly, who escapes anymore? Just stay. 205 00:06:21,873 --> 00:06:23,741 Now, this is more like it. If we find the knife 206 00:06:23,741 --> 00:06:25,043 that killed Caesar, I'll make the Arky Rankings for sure. 207 00:06:25,043 --> 00:06:26,811 And that will solve all my problems forever. 208 00:06:26,811 --> 00:06:28,312 Aren't you worried about the knife's curse? 209 00:06:28,312 --> 00:06:31,215 Oh, Saltine, there's no way this knife is cursed. 210 00:06:31,215 --> 00:06:32,283 People want to kill their bosses 211 00:06:32,283 --> 00:06:33,351 every day. 212 00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:34,652 Hell, you probably want to 213 00:06:34,652 --> 00:06:36,120 kill me right now. But don't, though. 214 00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:37,922 -I don't want to kill you. -Yeah, you say that, 215 00:06:37,922 --> 00:06:39,590 because you need job security, 216 00:06:39,590 --> 00:06:41,526 but we both know you'd kill me in an instant 217 00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:43,761 if given an opportunity. Now, all we have to do 218 00:06:43,761 --> 00:06:45,663 is solve this riddle, and, luckily, 219 00:06:45,663 --> 00:06:47,498 I know just the new character. 220 00:06:49,067 --> 00:06:50,234 Rip Digman? 221 00:06:50,234 --> 00:06:51,569 Oh, sorry, it's not 222 00:06:51,569 --> 00:06:53,171 that I'm shocked to see you, I'm just clumsy. 223 00:06:53,171 --> 00:06:55,406 A bit of an olive oil fingers, if you take my meaning. 224 00:06:55,406 --> 00:06:57,742 Saltine, meet Professor McEwan, 225 00:06:57,742 --> 00:06:59,577 my old Italian history professor, 226 00:06:59,577 --> 00:07:03,481 and an absolutely primo, grade A, male mentor. 227 00:07:04,816 --> 00:07:06,751 -Grappa? -No, thanks. 228 00:07:06,751 --> 00:07:09,153 -10:15 a.m. -Well, it's 5:00 somewhere. 229 00:07:09,153 --> 00:07:10,655 Not if it's 10:15? 230 00:07:10,655 --> 00:07:12,156 Right, so let's take a look at this map. 231 00:07:12,156 --> 00:07:14,425 -[glass shatters] -Whoop. My bad. So, the map... 232 00:07:14,425 --> 00:07:15,693 Not sure if I mentioned this, 233 00:07:15,693 --> 00:07:17,161 I'm a bit of an olive oil fingers. 234 00:07:17,161 --> 00:07:18,830 -Yeah, you did. -That's the Italian version... 235 00:07:18,830 --> 00:07:20,465 Of a butterfingers. Right, I get it. 236 00:07:20,465 --> 00:07:22,567 Great, then you understand. Moving on. 237 00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:23,868 Fascinating. 238 00:07:23,868 --> 00:07:26,170 Seems like this phrase may be a clue. 239 00:07:26,170 --> 00:07:27,638 "Flavo pila credere in." 240 00:07:27,638 --> 00:07:29,674 That's Latin for "Trust in the sun." 241 00:07:29,674 --> 00:07:32,110 Perhaps sunlight will reveal a hidden message. 242 00:07:32,110 --> 00:07:33,111 Ah, nothing. 243 00:07:33,111 --> 00:07:34,345 Let's think. 244 00:07:34,345 --> 00:07:35,780 if I were Fra Mauro, what would I do? 245 00:07:35,780 --> 00:07:38,116 Well, I'd change my name first, that's for sure. 246 00:07:38,116 --> 00:07:39,217 [both laugh] 247 00:07:39,217 --> 00:07:40,518 You are the funniest person 248 00:07:40,518 --> 00:07:42,487 I've ever met. Bar none. 249 00:07:42,487 --> 00:07:44,388 Now, how to solve this riddle. 250 00:07:44,388 --> 00:07:47,592 Can I try? I'm pretty good at cracking those things. 251 00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:49,694 [echoing]: Cracking those. 252 00:07:50,761 --> 00:07:52,130 -[groans] Damn these eggs. -Can I try? 253 00:07:52,130 --> 00:07:53,998 I'm pretty good at cracking those things. 254 00:07:53,998 --> 00:07:56,734 No way, Zane! I don't want your help, you backstabber! 255 00:07:56,734 --> 00:07:58,202 Whoa, Rip, you're clearly 256 00:07:58,202 --> 00:07:59,871 projecting your issues with Zane onto me. 257 00:07:59,871 --> 00:08:02,473 Well, I'm sorry, Saltine, but I have trauma. 258 00:08:02,473 --> 00:08:05,877 You can't argue with trauma. Are you unsympathetic to trauma? 259 00:08:05,877 --> 00:08:08,579 Uh, Saltine, perhaps we should give Rip a moment here. 260 00:08:08,579 --> 00:08:10,581 My assistant Roberto would be more than happy 261 00:08:10,581 --> 00:08:12,383 to show you around our beautiful city. 262 00:08:12,383 --> 00:08:13,818 At your service. 263 00:08:13,818 --> 00:08:15,219 Why don't you come with me, amica? 264 00:08:15,219 --> 00:08:16,287 [chuckles] 265 00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:18,823 Um, yes, please. 266 00:08:18,823 --> 00:08:20,424 And that is what happens 267 00:08:20,424 --> 00:08:23,528 when the moon hits your eye. But enough astronomy talk. 268 00:08:23,528 --> 00:08:25,763 This is really lovely, Roberto. 269 00:08:25,763 --> 00:08:27,932 Oh, for me, it's my pleasure. 270 00:08:27,932 --> 00:08:30,701 To stroll with a beautiful woman such as yourself, 271 00:08:30,701 --> 00:08:33,671 it made my armpits, um, how you say, uh, 272 00:08:33,671 --> 00:08:35,473 wet and scented. 273 00:08:35,473 --> 00:08:37,074 What a great way of putting that. 274 00:08:37,074 --> 00:08:39,076 May I, uh, remove? 275 00:08:39,777 --> 00:08:40,778 [Saltine laughs] 276 00:08:40,778 --> 00:08:43,214 "I'm with Stupid" in Latin? 277 00:08:43,214 --> 00:08:44,515 That's so clever. 278 00:08:44,515 --> 00:08:45,850 You're a fellow Latin lover? 279 00:08:45,850 --> 00:08:47,585 Oh, Mamma mia, yes. 280 00:08:47,585 --> 00:08:49,053 It is my one true passion. 281 00:08:49,053 --> 00:08:51,088 I-I wish it was a living language still. 282 00:08:51,088 --> 00:08:54,225 Me, too. I could talk about it "ad nauseam." 283 00:08:54,225 --> 00:08:55,660 [laughs] 284 00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:58,462 And yet, Saltina, I feel I could never reach 285 00:08:58,462 --> 00:09:00,298 "nauseam" with you. 286 00:09:00,298 --> 00:09:03,601 Ergo, I'd like to show you my Venice. Will you allow me? 287 00:09:03,601 --> 00:09:05,670 Well, "carpe diem," right? 288 00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:07,438 Saltina, I love you. 289 00:09:07,438 --> 00:09:10,741 Whoa. Okay, rad. Thanks. 290 00:09:11,609 --> 00:09:14,512 To me, this is the most romantic sight 291 00:09:14,512 --> 00:09:15,813 in all of Venezia. Via! 292 00:09:15,813 --> 00:09:17,181 [gasps] Is that 293 00:09:17,181 --> 00:09:19,951 an imperfect subjunctive contrafactual condition? 294 00:09:19,951 --> 00:09:20,985 Yes. 295 00:09:21,786 --> 00:09:23,254 [both moaning] 296 00:09:23,254 --> 00:09:25,990 Thank you for an incredible day, Roberto. 297 00:09:25,990 --> 00:09:27,458 It's so beautiful here. 298 00:09:27,458 --> 00:09:29,360 Made more beautiful 299 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:31,862 by you. [groans] 300 00:09:31,862 --> 00:09:33,297 -You okay there, Roberto? -Mm-hmm. 301 00:09:33,297 --> 00:09:35,233 'Cause it seems like you thought you could 302 00:09:35,233 --> 00:09:36,500 just take a big bite of a lemon 303 00:09:36,500 --> 00:09:37,568 like it would be no big deal. 304 00:09:37,568 --> 00:09:39,270 No, it tastes very good. 305 00:09:39,270 --> 00:09:41,372 If that's what happened, it's fine, we're still gonna smash. 306 00:09:41,372 --> 00:09:42,940 It just seems weird you wouldn't be honest. 307 00:09:42,940 --> 00:09:45,476 Mmm. You know, lemons 308 00:09:45,476 --> 00:09:48,679 were a rare treat in ancient Italy, 309 00:09:48,679 --> 00:09:51,282 reserved only for the wealthy. 310 00:09:51,282 --> 00:09:52,283 [Roberto laughs weakly] 311 00:09:52,283 --> 00:09:53,551 [gasps] 312 00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:55,186 We've got to get back to the manor. 313 00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:58,856 Hey, what are you doing? You're gonna ruin the map. 314 00:09:58,856 --> 00:10:00,091 No, I'm not. Your translation was wrong. 315 00:10:00,091 --> 00:10:01,559 It wasn't "Trust in the sun," 316 00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:03,027 it was "Trust in the yellow ball," 317 00:10:03,027 --> 00:10:04,428 which is what your average person called lemons 318 00:10:04,428 --> 00:10:06,130 in ancient Italy because they were so rare. 319 00:10:06,130 --> 00:10:07,798 And lemon juice can be used as an acid developer 320 00:10:07,798 --> 00:10:09,333 to make invisible phenolphthalein inks visible 321 00:10:09,333 --> 00:10:10,635 like so. 322 00:10:10,635 --> 00:10:12,236 Easy-peasy, 323 00:10:12,236 --> 00:10:13,738 lemon-squeezy. 324 00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:15,973 St. Mark's Piazza, that's where the knife is hidden. 325 00:10:15,973 --> 00:10:18,009 Holy authentic Italian cannoli. 326 00:10:18,009 --> 00:10:19,277 -You've done it. -[glass shatters] 327 00:10:19,277 --> 00:10:20,778 Oh, I think I should just go for it 328 00:10:20,778 --> 00:10:22,280 and get all rubber everything, right? 329 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:24,448 You'd be selling yourself short not to. Yeah. 330 00:10:24,448 --> 00:10:26,517 -Do you know a rubber monger? -Not locally. 331 00:10:26,517 --> 00:10:27,918 -But back home? -Yeah. 332 00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:29,320 If Rip gives you my email, will you send me 333 00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:30,521 your rubber monger's info? 334 00:10:30,521 --> 00:10:31,689 Of course, but just so you know, 335 00:10:31,689 --> 00:10:32,990 he's in Temecula until Thursday. 336 00:10:32,990 --> 00:10:34,925 It's his aunt and uncle's 40th anniversary. 337 00:10:34,925 --> 00:10:36,460 The anniversary was actually last year, 338 00:10:36,460 --> 00:10:38,796 but Don hurt his foot, so they couldn't celebrate. 339 00:10:38,796 --> 00:10:40,898 -Don is the uncle. -What is Don's wife's name? 340 00:10:40,898 --> 00:10:42,533 -Kathleen. -Kathleen and Don 341 00:10:42,533 --> 00:10:43,801 actually met a few blocks away 342 00:10:43,801 --> 00:10:45,069 from where the party is being held. 343 00:10:45,069 --> 00:10:46,437 -Is that so? -But Kathleen was with 344 00:10:46,437 --> 00:10:48,139 Gary Delvecchio back then, so she and Don 345 00:10:48,139 --> 00:10:49,974 didn't start dating until a few months later. 346 00:10:49,974 --> 00:10:51,375 In fact, he wanted to come to the anniversary, 347 00:10:51,375 --> 00:10:52,743 but he's staying in Chicago because 348 00:10:52,743 --> 00:10:53,978 it's his granddaughter Jessica's 349 00:10:53,978 --> 00:10:55,179 seventh birthday party. 350 00:10:55,179 --> 00:10:56,847 -It's pony-themed. -Which, yes, 351 00:10:56,847 --> 00:10:58,449 was also her friend Madison's birthday theme. 352 00:10:58,449 --> 00:11:01,018 Ah, well, please send Madison and her family my best. 353 00:11:01,018 --> 00:11:02,386 Will do. 354 00:11:10,428 --> 00:11:13,164 [sighs] This place is crawling with Little Caesars. 355 00:11:13,164 --> 00:11:14,765 Why don't you guys check the basilica, 356 00:11:14,765 --> 00:11:16,033 and we'll meet back up at... 357 00:11:16,033 --> 00:11:18,002 Uh, let's see, what time is it now? 358 00:11:18,002 --> 00:11:19,537 Great Caesar's ghost. 359 00:11:19,537 --> 00:11:20,638 That clock hand, it's the knife. 360 00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:22,206 Hidden in plain sight. 361 00:11:22,206 --> 00:11:24,141 Just like Waldo in the Where's Waldo? novels. 362 00:11:24,141 --> 00:11:25,409 Or the Bible verse on the bottom 363 00:11:25,409 --> 00:11:26,977 of a Forever 21 bag. 364 00:11:26,977 --> 00:11:29,580 Now, here's the plan. You'll climb the clocktower... 365 00:11:30,381 --> 00:11:32,750 -Oh, is that it? -Yup, that's the whole thing. 366 00:11:33,718 --> 00:11:35,286 [panting] 367 00:11:35,286 --> 00:11:36,253 [groans] 368 00:11:36,253 --> 00:11:37,488 How it's looking down there? 369 00:11:37,488 --> 00:11:39,490 Don't worry, no one's "clocked" you, 370 00:11:39,490 --> 00:11:41,892 pun absolutely intended. 371 00:11:41,892 --> 00:11:43,027 Everyone is just buried in their phones. 372 00:11:43,027 --> 00:11:44,295 It's sad when you think about it. 373 00:11:44,295 --> 00:11:45,930 No way, fuck that. I love my phone. 374 00:11:45,930 --> 00:11:47,598 Push that shit on someone else. 375 00:11:47,598 --> 00:11:49,567 Almost... got... it. 376 00:11:49,567 --> 00:11:50,568 [screams] 377 00:11:50,568 --> 00:11:51,802 Who am I, 378 00:11:51,802 --> 00:11:53,304 Harold Lloyd in Safety Last!? 379 00:11:53,304 --> 00:11:55,139 -Anyway, I'm in huge trouble! -[both gasp] 380 00:11:57,375 --> 00:11:58,376 [gasps] 381 00:11:58,376 --> 00:11:59,610 [grunts] 382 00:11:59,610 --> 00:12:01,412 Woo-hoo! 383 00:12:01,412 --> 00:12:03,180 Who am I, Hudson Hawk? 384 00:12:03,180 --> 00:12:04,582 Uh, I would describe that as 385 00:12:04,582 --> 00:12:06,117 Hudson Hawk meets Harold Lloyd. 386 00:12:06,117 --> 00:12:08,018 -Thank you. -[laughs] 387 00:12:08,018 --> 00:12:09,353 So, Saltine, you're holding the knife. 388 00:12:09,353 --> 00:12:10,354 Is it cursed? 389 00:12:10,354 --> 00:12:11,389 I am your boss. 390 00:12:11,389 --> 00:12:12,857 Does it make you want to kill me? 391 00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:13,991 Fine. It's just a normal knife. 392 00:12:13,991 --> 00:12:15,126 Well, I guess all's well 393 00:12:15,126 --> 00:12:16,127 -that ends... -It's them. 394 00:12:16,127 --> 00:12:17,661 -Over there. -Shit! 395 00:12:17,661 --> 00:12:19,397 Okay, this piazza is famously full of pigeons. 396 00:12:19,397 --> 00:12:21,132 We run straight at them, and when they take flight, 397 00:12:21,132 --> 00:12:22,666 they'll hide us in a canopy of wings and feathers. 398 00:12:22,666 --> 00:12:24,368 Sounds good, let's go! 399 00:12:24,368 --> 00:12:26,170 [all panting] 400 00:12:26,971 --> 00:12:28,339 [crunching] 401 00:12:28,339 --> 00:12:29,740 -They're not flying! -Why won't they fly? 402 00:12:29,740 --> 00:12:31,308 We're just crunching them. 403 00:12:31,308 --> 00:12:33,344 I can hear their tiny, brittle bones beneath my feet. 404 00:12:33,344 --> 00:12:35,413 Oh, God, I think I just curbed one. 405 00:12:35,413 --> 00:12:36,947 -Are we going to hell for this? -ROBERTO: Oh, no, no! 406 00:12:36,947 --> 00:12:38,816 I have now killed, like, 4,000 pigeons. 407 00:12:38,816 --> 00:12:41,018 I will never not feel them under my feet. 408 00:12:41,018 --> 00:12:42,787 And we're leaving a perfect pigeon carcass path 409 00:12:42,787 --> 00:12:44,121 for the Caesars to follow. 410 00:12:44,121 --> 00:12:46,123 It's disgusting and hurting our cause. 411 00:12:46,123 --> 00:12:49,460 Okay, new plan. Jump! 412 00:12:51,095 --> 00:12:52,062 [groans] 413 00:12:53,597 --> 00:12:55,533 Well, at least the canal water 414 00:12:55,533 --> 00:12:57,301 washed off the pigeon blood. 415 00:12:59,746 --> 00:13:00,847 And then she walked in with her perfect figure: 416 00:13:00,847 --> 00:13:03,550 30-30-30, a total tube. 417 00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:04,851 -[phone rings] -Yello? 418 00:13:04,851 --> 00:13:06,753 Swooper, we're in the canal by St. Mark's. 419 00:13:06,753 --> 00:13:08,555 Get a gondola and get us fast. 420 00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:09,689 On my way, Rippy. 421 00:13:09,689 --> 00:13:10,890 Sorry that my five-point plan 422 00:13:10,890 --> 00:13:11,891 might get us killed, Rip. 423 00:13:11,891 --> 00:13:12,926 Are you kidding me? 424 00:13:12,926 --> 00:13:14,194 This is the good stuff. 425 00:13:14,194 --> 00:13:15,094 I haven't been this happy in years. 426 00:13:15,094 --> 00:13:16,429 Really? Wow. So, I guess 427 00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:18,298 you could say trusting me was a good call. 428 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,033 [echoing]: Good call. 429 00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:22,669 Hey, Zane, what do you think of this turkey call? 430 00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:24,804 [gobbling] 431 00:13:28,708 --> 00:13:30,643 [whistles] Good call. 432 00:13:30,877 --> 00:13:32,812 No, I'm not falling for that again. 433 00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:35,215 I'll never trust you. [cries] 434 00:13:35,215 --> 00:13:38,084 Come on, Swooper, where are you? 435 00:13:38,084 --> 00:13:39,385 One gondola, please. 436 00:13:39,385 --> 00:13:41,821 You need a license to rent a gondola. 437 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,957 But getting one is no easy task. 438 00:13:43,957 --> 00:13:45,458 The training is rigorous. 439 00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:47,861 It will test you. It will break you. 440 00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:49,562 And it will cost you 441 00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:51,097 60 euros. 442 00:13:51,898 --> 00:13:53,433 Welcome to... 443 00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:55,435 Top Gondola. 444 00:13:55,435 --> 00:13:57,570 ♪ ♪ 445 00:13:57,570 --> 00:14:00,473 Gentlemen, look around you. 446 00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:01,741 Someone in this classroom will die 447 00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:02,809 before the training is over. 448 00:14:02,809 --> 00:14:05,144 [grunting] 449 00:14:09,549 --> 00:14:13,186 Rule number one: Never drop your oar. 450 00:14:19,058 --> 00:14:21,494 [crowd cheers] 451 00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:25,798 [singsongy]: I don't hear singing. 452 00:14:25,798 --> 00:14:28,902 [singing in Italian] 453 00:14:36,976 --> 00:14:39,479 ♪ ♪ 454 00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:55,995 This is wrong. You are my teacher. 455 00:14:58,498 --> 00:15:00,767 Yee-haw! 456 00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:02,135 Time for your greatest test: 457 00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:03,603 the Quick Stop. 458 00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:05,038 Guppy, you're up first. 459 00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:06,539 [singing in Italian] 460 00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:10,276 Guppy, there's a whirlpool! 461 00:15:11,144 --> 00:15:13,012 Quick stop, Guppy! 462 00:15:13,012 --> 00:15:17,383 Guppy! No...! 463 00:15:18,785 --> 00:15:20,820 Is Papà in heaven, Mamma? 464 00:15:20,820 --> 00:15:23,756 Sì. Papà è in paradiso. 465 00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:26,326 TEACHER: What do you mean you quit? 466 00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:28,194 You haven't even mastered the Quick Stop yet. 467 00:15:28,194 --> 00:15:30,630 We can't give you a license until you do. 468 00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:32,832 I'm sorry, Denise. I can't. 469 00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:34,734 Hey, man. 470 00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:37,270 You were the best of us. 471 00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,771 [sniffs] 472 00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:40,073 So you got your license? 473 00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:41,941 -Oh, yeah. -Okay, here you go. 474 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:45,111 Somebody order a gondola? 475 00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:47,981 ♪ Barcarola... ♪ 476 00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:49,382 Swooper, what are you doing? Shut up. 477 00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:51,517 I'm a gondolier, Rip, I got to sing. 478 00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:53,286 You're gonna attract too much attention. 479 00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,388 I'll attract more attention if I don't sing. 480 00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:58,157 There's nothing more suspicious than a silent gondolier. 481 00:15:58,157 --> 00:15:59,859 I don't care. Put a sock in it. 482 00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:02,428 Over there. That gondolier isn't singing. 483 00:16:02,428 --> 00:16:04,464 -It's them. -Told you. 484 00:16:06,432 --> 00:16:07,834 [squawks] 485 00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:10,069 [grunting] 486 00:16:10,069 --> 00:16:12,105 They have Jet Skis? 487 00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:13,539 Nothing a little NOS can't outrun. 488 00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:16,442 [cheering] 489 00:16:16,442 --> 00:16:18,044 -That's how you do it. -[dolphin squeaking] 490 00:16:18,044 --> 00:16:19,946 -H-hey, look, it's a dolphin. -[cheering] 491 00:16:19,946 --> 00:16:21,080 [laughs] 492 00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:23,483 -Oh, no, a shark ate it! -[booing] 493 00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:24,717 [cheering] 494 00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:26,886 SALTINE: A big dolphin ate the shark! 495 00:16:26,886 --> 00:16:29,155 [screaming] 496 00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:30,990 -There are rapids in Venice? -Yes. 497 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,525 Oh, my God, Swooper, stop. 498 00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:34,927 Swooper, what the hell are you doing? Stop! 499 00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:36,562 This is for you, Guppy. 500 00:16:36,562 --> 00:16:38,131 [shouts] 501 00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:40,900 [men screaming] 502 00:16:44,270 --> 00:16:45,638 Incredible work, Swooper. 503 00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:48,074 Thanks. I'm gonna go return the gondola. 504 00:16:48,074 --> 00:16:49,242 Well, that worked out great. 505 00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:50,843 And now for an epic selfie 506 00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,512 with my phone, which I love. 507 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,480 -Saltine, hold this a sec. -Okay. 508 00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:56,649 -Okay. -Oh, no, you don't, Zane. 509 00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:58,084 You'd stab me with it. 510 00:16:58,084 --> 00:16:59,685 You know that's not true. I was holding it earlier. 511 00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:00,753 You were joking about it. 512 00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:02,121 Doesn't matter, I have trauma. 513 00:17:02,121 --> 00:17:03,589 Roberto, here, you hold it. 514 00:17:03,589 --> 00:17:04,791 Sure thing. 515 00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:07,226 [laughs] 516 00:17:07,226 --> 00:17:08,995 What's so funny, Roberto? 517 00:17:08,995 --> 00:17:10,863 Are you remembering a Latin meme? 518 00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:12,198 -Can you share? -Mi scusi. 519 00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:13,800 I am laughing because 520 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,102 I have the knife now. 521 00:17:16,102 --> 00:17:17,904 Roberto, you're betraying us? 522 00:17:17,904 --> 00:17:19,038 I trusted you. 523 00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,373 Wait, so you've been undercover, 524 00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,575 working for and sleeping with Professor McEwan 525 00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:24,343 -just to look for the knife? -Wait, sleeping with? 526 00:17:24,343 --> 00:17:26,045 That's right. I tricked you. 527 00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:29,849 And soon I'll explain why. 528 00:17:29,849 --> 00:17:31,617 [both gasp] 529 00:17:31,617 --> 00:17:33,820 I'm sorry, not to harp on this. You were sleeping with McEwan? 530 00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:35,621 Yes, but you are focusing on the wrong thing. But yes. 531 00:17:38,933 --> 00:17:40,268 Roberto, no. Was it all just a lie? 532 00:17:40,268 --> 00:17:41,936 What about the seven times we had amazing sex? 533 00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:43,871 What about the time we started, but then you slipped out, 534 00:17:43,871 --> 00:17:45,640 and then we heard people coming so we decided to just call it? 535 00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:46,641 Been there. 536 00:17:46,641 --> 00:17:48,309 None of it was a lie, Saltina. 537 00:17:48,309 --> 00:17:50,812 When I said I loved you 45 seconds after meeting you, 538 00:17:50,812 --> 00:17:52,113 I meant it. 539 00:17:52,113 --> 00:17:54,282 But there is more you should know about me. 540 00:17:54,282 --> 00:17:56,384 I am actually the deputy vice president 541 00:17:56,384 --> 00:17:57,919 of Italy's Ministry of Education, 542 00:17:57,919 --> 00:18:00,388 meaning I am third in line to rule as secretary. 543 00:18:00,388 --> 00:18:02,857 But when I place the dagger in the hands of the man 544 00:18:02,857 --> 00:18:05,793 who is second in line, he will kill his boss, 545 00:18:05,793 --> 00:18:08,096 then be arrested, leaving the education throne 546 00:18:08,096 --> 00:18:09,430 to be assumed by me, 547 00:18:09,430 --> 00:18:12,066 and then I shall once more make Latin 548 00:18:12,066 --> 00:18:13,568 the national language of Italy! 549 00:18:13,568 --> 00:18:15,236 I realize you have the upper hand, 550 00:18:15,236 --> 00:18:16,704 but it's a weird plan. 551 00:18:16,704 --> 00:18:18,373 -It's not weird. -The knife isn't even cursed, 552 00:18:18,373 --> 00:18:20,008 genius. You saw it yourself. 553 00:18:20,008 --> 00:18:21,409 Oh, it's cursed all right. 554 00:18:21,409 --> 00:18:23,244 You just hadn't activated it. 555 00:18:23,244 --> 00:18:26,714 Veni ad vitam, cultrum mirabilis. 556 00:18:26,714 --> 00:18:28,549 Aw, shit, it's glowing red. Yeah, it's cursed. 557 00:18:28,549 --> 00:18:30,351 So, what, you're just gonna kill us? 558 00:18:30,351 --> 00:18:34,088 On the contrary, I want to rule this new empire 559 00:18:34,088 --> 00:18:35,990 with you by my side. But as for Rip? 560 00:18:35,990 --> 00:18:37,225 He will die. 561 00:18:37,225 --> 00:18:39,427 -By your hand. -No, I-I can't. 562 00:18:39,427 --> 00:18:41,896 Why not? He doesn't trust you. 563 00:18:41,896 --> 00:18:43,097 He can't even speak Latin. 564 00:18:43,097 --> 00:18:46,667 Tell me, Saltine. Where's the lie? 565 00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:47,835 I mean, sure, 566 00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:49,270 that is all true. 567 00:18:49,270 --> 00:18:50,905 Give me the knife. 568 00:18:50,905 --> 00:18:52,240 What? Saltine, no. 569 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:53,474 I thought we had a good thing going. 570 00:18:53,474 --> 00:18:55,043 This won't hurt a bit, boss. 571 00:18:55,043 --> 00:18:56,244 Trust me. 572 00:18:58,980 --> 00:18:59,981 Aw, crap. 573 00:18:59,981 --> 00:19:01,082 Is this curtains for me? 574 00:19:01,082 --> 00:19:02,083 I'm about to be fitted for 575 00:19:02,083 --> 00:19:03,151 a pine overcoat, aren't I? 576 00:19:03,151 --> 00:19:04,485 I don't want to pay Charon's fee 577 00:19:04,485 --> 00:19:05,853 and shake hands with Elvis. 578 00:19:05,853 --> 00:19:06,888 You're telling me I'm gonna be 579 00:19:06,888 --> 00:19:08,122 promoted to Glory? No way. 580 00:19:09,157 --> 00:19:10,792 [both shout] 581 00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:15,196 And now that he's definitely dead, 582 00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:16,397 I can fulfill my destiny 583 00:19:16,397 --> 00:19:17,598 -as the... -I'm back. 584 00:19:17,598 --> 00:19:19,167 -[both grunt] -[bones crack] 585 00:19:19,167 --> 00:19:20,168 [chuckles] Saltine, 586 00:19:20,168 --> 00:19:21,536 you remembered the jerky. 587 00:19:21,536 --> 00:19:24,172 -I did. -That was amazing. 588 00:19:24,172 --> 00:19:26,474 [both laugh, sigh] 589 00:19:28,109 --> 00:19:30,378 So... you kill people? 590 00:19:30,378 --> 00:19:32,346 It would appear so, yeah. 591 00:19:33,347 --> 00:19:34,449 -Huh. -Truth be told, 592 00:19:34,449 --> 00:19:35,683 this was my first time. 593 00:19:35,683 --> 00:19:37,585 [chuckles] I'm actually having... 594 00:19:37,585 --> 00:19:39,287 having a little trouble with it. 595 00:19:39,287 --> 00:19:40,855 Oh, my God, what have I done?! 596 00:19:40,855 --> 00:19:42,924 His life! I snuffed it out! 597 00:19:42,924 --> 00:19:44,525 He'll never have another birthday! 598 00:19:44,525 --> 00:19:46,494 But he was gonna kill us, right? I had no choice. 599 00:19:46,494 --> 00:19:49,430 You saw, he was evil. Oh, shit, I'm gonna boot. 600 00:19:50,598 --> 00:19:52,133 Oh, no. 601 00:19:52,133 --> 00:19:53,734 He slipped on a rock! You saw! 602 00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:56,237 Oh, God, he had a mother, Saltine! 603 00:19:56,237 --> 00:19:57,839 [sobs] Oh, fuck. 604 00:19:57,839 --> 00:20:01,109 I'm a piece of shit, I'm a fucking piece of shit! 605 00:20:01,109 --> 00:20:03,411 So it's agreed, we'll never talk about that again. 606 00:20:03,411 --> 00:20:05,113 Yup, you got it. So, are you excited 607 00:20:05,113 --> 00:20:06,781 to make the Arky Rankings this week, Rip? 608 00:20:06,781 --> 00:20:08,883 -The knife makes it a sure bet. -Indeed, 'twould be nice. 609 00:20:08,883 --> 00:20:11,152 But I think it will be many moons longer still. 610 00:20:11,152 --> 00:20:12,487 -What do you mean? -It's the unwritten 611 00:20:12,487 --> 00:20:13,888 arky code, Saltine. 612 00:20:13,888 --> 00:20:15,623 We can't give a cursed object to a museum, 613 00:20:15,623 --> 00:20:17,825 for it will always be targeted by ne'er-do-wells. 614 00:20:17,825 --> 00:20:19,827 I am just happy returning the confetti. 615 00:20:19,827 --> 00:20:21,429 That was step one of your five-point plan, 616 00:20:21,429 --> 00:20:22,864 and I trust your plan. 617 00:20:22,864 --> 00:20:25,733 Perfect, time for step two: Making amends. 618 00:20:25,733 --> 00:20:26,801 Fuck that. I'm out. 619 00:20:42,150 --> 00:20:43,584 Ouch! 620 00:20:57,265 --> 00:20:58,699 Come to papa.