1 00:00:01,267 --> 00:00:03,103 CHAP: Ch-Ch-Cheerio! 2 00:00:03,103 --> 00:00:04,604 And welcome to tonight's 3 00:00:04,604 --> 00:00:06,206 Bareknuckle Boxing Championship bout, 4 00:00:06,206 --> 00:00:08,174 where the action is set to get underway 5 00:00:08,174 --> 00:00:10,543 in just a matter of metric seconds. 6 00:00:10,543 --> 00:00:12,846 In one corner, we've got the champ himself, 7 00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:14,881 the undefeated Prince of Punches, 8 00:00:14,881 --> 00:00:18,485 the Lord of Long Armspan, Punchy Dunkins. 9 00:00:18,485 --> 00:00:20,286 And our challenger... 10 00:00:21,087 --> 00:00:22,088 [drumroll] 11 00:00:22,088 --> 00:00:23,823 ...Pee-Wee Pipsqueak. 12 00:00:23,823 --> 00:00:25,392 [man coughs] 13 00:00:25,392 --> 00:00:29,028 Please get prepared for some pugilism! 14 00:00:29,028 --> 00:00:30,397 [cheering] 15 00:00:30,397 --> 00:00:32,699 Now let's watch as Pee-Wee is pummeled 16 00:00:32,699 --> 00:00:35,335 into human jam before our very eyes. 17 00:00:38,138 --> 00:00:40,340 -[crowd gasps] -Down goes Punchy! 18 00:00:40,340 --> 00:00:43,476 Eight, nine. Cock and hen. It's a knockout! 19 00:00:43,476 --> 00:00:46,713 -[bell dings] -And Pipsqueak has defeated the champ. 20 00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:48,348 Unbelievable! 21 00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:55,822 Yeah, he went down like a ton of bricks. 22 00:00:55,822 --> 00:00:57,323 So, what's the gig, Nigella? 23 00:00:57,323 --> 00:00:59,325 You hiring us to look for that coffee filter 24 00:00:59,325 --> 00:01:01,027 Shakespeare called a collar? 25 00:01:01,027 --> 00:01:02,395 His Elizabethan Ruff? 26 00:01:02,395 --> 00:01:03,797 That's actually rather a good idea. 27 00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:05,064 I'll make a note, but no. 28 00:01:05,064 --> 00:01:07,434 I've someone I'd like you to meet. 29 00:01:07,434 --> 00:01:09,135 The Lord of Long Armspan?! 30 00:01:09,135 --> 00:01:12,172 Let me guess. He's a big, scary guy, but when he talks, 31 00:01:12,172 --> 00:01:14,607 he has a funny voice like Mike Tyson. 32 00:01:19,412 --> 00:01:21,714 [high-pitched voice]: 'Ello. Nice to meet you. 33 00:01:21,714 --> 00:01:24,284 -I was right! -Punchy, tell them what you told me. 34 00:01:24,284 --> 00:01:26,085 Well, everybody knows me training ritual. 35 00:01:26,085 --> 00:01:29,289 I've one very strict rule: no shags the night before a fight. 36 00:01:29,289 --> 00:01:31,291 That's right. You abstain from sex before boxing 37 00:01:31,291 --> 00:01:33,092 because it saps your strength. 38 00:01:33,092 --> 00:01:35,528 On the eve of the championship, I called for room service. 39 00:01:35,528 --> 00:01:37,330 -An order of crisps... -Chips. 40 00:01:37,330 --> 00:01:38,932 -And an order of chips. -Fries. 41 00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:41,000 Even though I knew the carbs'd go straight to me fanny. 42 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,635 -U.S. or U.K.? Butt. -U.S. 43 00:01:42,635 --> 00:01:44,270 When the bellman arrived in me room, 44 00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:45,638 he started reciting a poem. 45 00:01:45,638 --> 00:01:47,173 I-I don't recall the words, 46 00:01:47,173 --> 00:01:48,408 but it was quite beautiful, actually. 47 00:01:48,408 --> 00:01:49,742 And-and by the time he finished, 48 00:01:49,742 --> 00:01:51,644 I, uh... I climaxed. 49 00:01:51,644 --> 00:01:53,847 Well, then, I guess the legend 'tis true. 50 00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:57,116 Someone has found Shakespeare's Lost Sonnet. 51 00:01:57,116 --> 00:01:58,551 Okay, I'm going to need you to... 52 00:01:58,551 --> 00:02:00,587 [imitates tape rewinding] ...rewind. 53 00:02:00,587 --> 00:02:03,656 Okay, that was very cool. Now, here comes the explanation. 54 00:02:03,656 --> 00:02:05,492 There have long been whispers 55 00:02:05,492 --> 00:02:07,694 that the immortal Bard once wrote a sonnet so romantic, 56 00:02:07,694 --> 00:02:10,230 so passionate, so heartbreakingly amorous, 57 00:02:10,230 --> 00:02:12,732 that simply hearing it would cause any listener 58 00:02:12,732 --> 00:02:17,270 to become aroused to the point of biological climax on sight. 59 00:02:17,270 --> 00:02:19,539 -You mean shoot ropes? -Precisely, yes. 60 00:02:19,539 --> 00:02:21,774 Wow. I knew he wrote the source material 61 00:02:21,774 --> 00:02:24,377 for 10 Things I Hate About You, but he also wrote a poem? 62 00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:26,379 When he realized the sonnet's power, 63 00:02:26,379 --> 00:02:27,947 he hid it away from the world. 64 00:02:27,947 --> 00:02:30,149 I'd never encountered any proof of its existence, 65 00:02:30,149 --> 00:02:33,453 but like a casual Fleetwood Mac fan, I'd heard rumors. 66 00:02:33,453 --> 00:02:35,989 And now let me guess. You want us to track it down 67 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:38,124 so you can keep it safe within your archives. 68 00:02:38,124 --> 00:02:40,793 Would a rose by any other name smell as sweet? 69 00:02:40,793 --> 00:02:43,663 I can't help but imagine it would. 70 00:02:44,697 --> 00:02:46,733 ♪ ♪ 71 00:03:05,952 --> 00:03:08,821 ♪ ♪ 72 00:03:19,799 --> 00:03:22,035 -[phone ringing] -Talk to me, Agatha. 73 00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:24,571 Rip, I called every London bookie I know 74 00:03:24,571 --> 00:03:26,039 and found only one sizeable bet placed 75 00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:28,007 on that little guy the night of the fight. 76 00:03:28,007 --> 00:03:31,010 The bettor used a pseudonym, but called from a local pub 77 00:03:31,010 --> 00:03:32,545 where a bunch of stage actors hang out 78 00:03:32,545 --> 00:03:33,880 called "The Broken Keg," 79 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,682 which is actually a pretty novel name. 80 00:03:35,682 --> 00:03:37,951 So I better put down the phone and laugh for a moment. 81 00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:39,619 [laughs softly] 82 00:03:39,619 --> 00:03:42,088 Looks like I'm going to have to go undercover. 83 00:03:42,088 --> 00:03:44,924 And when I go in, I go all in. 84 00:03:44,924 --> 00:03:47,293 Rip, no. Every time you go undercover, 85 00:03:47,293 --> 00:03:49,329 you get in too deep, and you can't come back. 86 00:03:49,329 --> 00:03:51,397 -Well, that's ridiculous. -No, it's not! 87 00:03:51,397 --> 00:03:53,666 What about the Winnipeg incident? 88 00:03:53,666 --> 00:03:56,436 This is nothing like the Winnipeg incident. 89 00:03:56,436 --> 00:03:58,271 -What's the Winnipeg incident? -I'm sorry, 90 00:03:58,271 --> 00:04:00,139 but you're just gonna have to trust my instincts here. 91 00:04:00,139 --> 00:04:02,742 Don't like it? There's the door. There's a complaint box on it. 92 00:04:02,742 --> 00:04:04,277 You're welcome to drop a complaint in it. 93 00:04:04,277 --> 00:04:05,612 You better believe I will. 94 00:04:05,612 --> 00:04:06,913 Your instincts nearly got you killed. 95 00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:08,915 But they didn't! Instead, they paid 96 00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:10,650 for that Starbucks gift card you're always reloading 97 00:04:10,650 --> 00:04:12,218 for double the points. 98 00:04:12,218 --> 00:04:14,487 -Guys, come on! You're friends! -I'll kill you! 99 00:04:14,487 --> 00:04:16,289 -I'll have you arrested for homicide. -Guys! 100 00:04:16,289 --> 00:04:20,460 Fine, fine! But as of right now, I am no longer Rip Digman. 101 00:04:20,460 --> 00:04:23,830 The name's Doobie. Doobie McBooberton. 102 00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:25,598 Maybe we can work on the name? 103 00:04:25,598 --> 00:04:29,569 Oh, now even she's coming at me. Jesus Christ! 104 00:04:30,570 --> 00:04:33,473 [rock music plays quietly] 105 00:04:35,441 --> 00:04:37,477 [British accent]: 16 ounces of beer, please. 106 00:04:37,477 --> 00:04:39,879 Okay, here's a tongue twister for you. 107 00:04:39,879 --> 00:04:44,651 Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow. [groans] 108 00:04:44,651 --> 00:04:46,119 [crowd cheers, applauds] 109 00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:47,987 A proper pot of coffee in a proper coffee pot. 110 00:04:47,987 --> 00:04:51,290 The pot acts all posh, but we know they are not. 111 00:04:51,290 --> 00:04:52,825 -[crowd cheers, applauds] -Ha! 112 00:04:52,825 --> 00:04:55,128 -[growls] -Got a problem, mate? 113 00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:58,231 I hear you laughing, but I don't see anyone performing 114 00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:00,700 -The Taming of the Shrew. -It's your friends. 115 00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:02,935 Their words couldn't twist the tongue of a toddler! 116 00:05:02,935 --> 00:05:06,439 Well, if you think you can do better, the stage is yours. 117 00:05:06,439 --> 00:05:09,142 Unless it gives you... fright. 118 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:10,777 [gulping] 119 00:05:10,777 --> 00:05:12,645 Saltine, Swooper, bail me out here! 120 00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:14,647 "World's hardest tongue twister." 121 00:05:14,647 --> 00:05:16,482 Got it. Repeat after me. 122 00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:17,817 A biscuit baker... 123 00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:19,552 Mixed a box of biscuits in his mixer. 124 00:05:19,552 --> 00:05:21,120 "Mixed biscuits?" cried the baker. 125 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:23,056 -The mix betwixt the mixer. -SALTINE: Ow! 126 00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:25,091 -[muffled]: My tongue! -She sprained her tongue, Rip. 127 00:05:25,091 --> 00:05:27,860 -You got to take it from here. -Well. 128 00:05:27,860 --> 00:05:29,529 Ah. [laughs] 129 00:05:29,529 --> 00:05:31,230 [takes deep breath] 130 00:05:31,230 --> 00:05:34,500 So the biscuit baker mixed the mixes in his biscuit mixer 131 00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:37,303 as Seabiscuit sold his semen by the seashore by the liter. 132 00:05:37,303 --> 00:05:39,338 Lighted by the light on the ledger by the lighter, 133 00:05:39,338 --> 00:05:41,040 the letter read more lightly 134 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,776 than a lady lightly looming lollies littered on a sweater. 135 00:05:43,776 --> 00:05:45,311 "Better wetter," said the swimmer, 136 00:05:45,311 --> 00:05:46,946 who was drier but not slimmer, 137 00:05:46,946 --> 00:05:48,948 and as limber as the timber of a soggy finger splinter. 138 00:05:48,948 --> 00:05:50,750 "Time for dinner, David Schwimmer!" 139 00:05:50,750 --> 00:05:52,952 said the weary biscuit mixer, whose elixir was a fixer 140 00:05:52,952 --> 00:05:55,421 and a fixture in the picture of the scripture for the richer, 141 00:05:55,421 --> 00:05:56,789 not the poorer. "Pour the mixture 142 00:05:56,789 --> 00:05:58,091 "with a soggy swimmer's sweater texture 143 00:05:58,091 --> 00:06:00,993 sprinkled by a sprinkler!" [panting] 144 00:06:03,329 --> 00:06:05,498 No notes. 145 00:06:05,498 --> 00:06:06,699 -[whoops] Brilliant! -[cheering] 146 00:06:06,699 --> 00:06:09,502 His tongue-- it has nary a knot! 147 00:06:09,502 --> 00:06:12,071 That twister would please Thespis himself. 148 00:06:12,071 --> 00:06:15,541 -What's your name? -Fourth. Wally Fourth. 149 00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:17,543 Come rehearse with us. The Englandshire Theater, 150 00:06:17,543 --> 00:06:19,245 tomorrow night at 10:00. 151 00:06:19,245 --> 00:06:21,447 -Thank you, ten. -SWOOPER: Rip, 152 00:06:21,447 --> 00:06:22,882 -you did it! -Rip? Who's Rip? 153 00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:25,785 Oh, right. Me. Almost got in too deep. 154 00:06:25,785 --> 00:06:28,121 -[ominous sting plays] -[phone beeps] 155 00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:30,990 -Sorry. That's my ringtone. -Yeah, you should change that. 156 00:06:30,990 --> 00:06:33,426 It gives me a great sense of unease! 157 00:06:36,638 --> 00:06:38,006 SWOOPER: Okay, Rip, once you're inside, all you 158 00:06:38,006 --> 00:06:39,507 got to do is locate and extract that missing sonnet. 159 00:06:39,507 --> 00:06:41,409 Don't get sucked in by his charisma. 160 00:06:41,409 --> 00:06:43,211 Come on, Swooper. What do you take me for? 161 00:06:43,211 --> 00:06:45,213 I'm serious, Rip! Saltine, I think 162 00:06:45,213 --> 00:06:47,649 he's going to be fine. The guy is rock solid. 163 00:06:47,649 --> 00:06:51,586 Wally Fourth, welcome to our humble home. 164 00:06:51,586 --> 00:06:54,956 Quite chic. How'd you land such a fit flat? 165 00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:58,760 Well, let's just say it was thanks to a recent lucky bet. 166 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:02,030 -[laughter] -Everyone, lend me your ears. 167 00:07:02,030 --> 00:07:05,500 For too long, we have toiled as understudies, 168 00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:07,402 always waiting in the wings. 169 00:07:07,402 --> 00:07:09,404 We deserve the spotlight. 170 00:07:09,404 --> 00:07:11,305 Wow. This guy's charismatic as shit. 171 00:07:11,305 --> 00:07:15,209 But soon, we understudies shall become overstudies. 172 00:07:15,209 --> 00:07:17,412 And we shall mount the greatest production 173 00:07:17,412 --> 00:07:19,180 of Hamlet the world has ever seen. 174 00:07:19,180 --> 00:07:21,416 We've already secured the greatest stage. 175 00:07:21,416 --> 00:07:24,018 Next, the greatest prop. For you see, 176 00:07:24,018 --> 00:07:27,355 playing the part of Yorick's skull will be... 177 00:07:27,355 --> 00:07:30,558 the skull of The Bard himself. 178 00:07:30,558 --> 00:07:32,660 But isn't that at the Shakespeare Museum? 179 00:07:32,660 --> 00:07:35,963 Exactly. So we'll just have to liberate it. 180 00:07:35,963 --> 00:07:37,732 -Are you in? -SALTINE: No! Stay behind 181 00:07:37,732 --> 00:07:39,067 and look for the sonnet, Rip! 182 00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:41,302 SWOOPER: Don't betray the plan! 183 00:07:41,302 --> 00:07:42,904 You bet I am. 184 00:07:42,904 --> 00:07:44,839 Then let's go fetch that head bone. 185 00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:47,775 -[whooping, cheering] -Ha, ha! Yes! 186 00:07:48,576 --> 00:07:51,279 -The skull is yonder. -SWOOPER: Rip, what are you doing?! 187 00:07:51,279 --> 00:07:53,881 We're supposed to be working for Nigella, not robbing her. 188 00:07:53,881 --> 00:07:55,416 You don't think I see the irony in this? 189 00:07:55,416 --> 00:07:56,851 Come on, Wally. 190 00:07:56,851 --> 00:08:00,288 Most excellent fancy. 191 00:08:00,288 --> 00:08:01,656 Hey! What's all this, then?! 192 00:08:01,656 --> 00:08:03,758 I'll give you one chance 193 00:08:03,758 --> 00:08:06,461 to put down your weapons and lay on the floor. 194 00:08:06,461 --> 00:08:09,097 -Or else what? -Or else... this. 195 00:08:09,097 --> 00:08:10,665 Wally, put these on! 196 00:08:10,665 --> 00:08:13,468 [clears throat] "Such sweeter form." 197 00:08:13,468 --> 00:08:16,871 -[continues reading sonnet] -GRACE: Now, Wally, put them on! 198 00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:18,372 -[muffled chatter] -[Rip panting] 199 00:08:18,372 --> 00:08:20,508 -We lost sound! -Don't panic! 200 00:08:20,508 --> 00:08:22,009 -Too late! Oh! -[glass breaks] 201 00:08:22,009 --> 00:08:26,380 -[indistinct, muffled chatter] -[Rip panting] 202 00:08:26,380 --> 00:08:29,550 [whimpers, pants] 203 00:08:29,550 --> 00:08:32,487 [muffled groaning] 204 00:08:32,487 --> 00:08:33,688 [both sigh] 205 00:08:33,688 --> 00:08:35,323 -[laughter] -[glass breaking] 206 00:08:35,323 --> 00:08:37,925 Come, Wally. Let's make haste. 207 00:08:37,925 --> 00:08:40,828 -To us-- The Understudies! -[others cheering] 208 00:08:40,828 --> 00:08:42,563 -Yeah! -MAN: Hear! Hear! 209 00:08:42,563 --> 00:08:44,232 Hey, Seb, say, what even is that? 210 00:08:44,232 --> 00:08:46,501 Oh, just something I found tucked away inside 211 00:08:46,501 --> 00:08:47,702 -a very old book. -Oh. 212 00:08:47,702 --> 00:08:49,270 And where do you usually keep it? 213 00:08:49,270 --> 00:08:52,140 [chuckles] That is something I'll take to the grave. 214 00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:55,576 I like the way you handled yourself today, Wally. 215 00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:57,278 You're one of us now. 216 00:08:58,212 --> 00:09:01,783 Good night, my friend. Parting is such sweet... 217 00:09:01,783 --> 00:09:03,151 Well, you know the rest. 218 00:09:03,151 --> 00:09:05,153 -[laughs] -Sorrow. 219 00:09:05,153 --> 00:09:08,055 [gasps] I am an actor. 220 00:09:09,857 --> 00:09:11,559 Rip, where have you been? 221 00:09:11,559 --> 00:09:13,628 Oh, I think you've got the wrong chap. 222 00:09:13,628 --> 00:09:17,098 The name's Fourth. Wally Fourth. 223 00:09:18,132 --> 00:09:20,234 [indistinct chatter] 224 00:09:20,234 --> 00:09:23,971 Attention! The time has come to unveil the cast list 225 00:09:23,971 --> 00:09:26,374 for our most epic production of Hamlet. 226 00:09:26,374 --> 00:09:28,576 Behold! 227 00:09:28,576 --> 00:09:30,511 -[gasps] -Ooh. 228 00:09:30,511 --> 00:09:32,346 Gravedigger Number Two. 229 00:09:32,346 --> 00:09:34,582 You may not have many lines, but remember, for an actor, 230 00:09:34,582 --> 00:09:37,618 there's no such thing as a small role. 231 00:09:37,618 --> 00:09:39,153 -I agree! -Thank you, man with headband. 232 00:09:39,153 --> 00:09:40,855 I can't believe we get to perform Hamlet 233 00:09:40,855 --> 00:09:42,423 with Shakespeare's actual skull. 234 00:09:42,423 --> 00:09:45,226 That's got to be the most extreme acting there is. 235 00:09:45,226 --> 00:09:46,594 No, it's not. 236 00:09:46,594 --> 00:09:48,129 All right, here he goes again with his myth. 237 00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:50,832 Oh, 'tis no myth! Every 50 years, 238 00:09:50,832 --> 00:09:53,634 a majorly mondo tempest comes out of Antarctica 239 00:09:53,634 --> 00:09:55,469 and blasts the South Pacific. 240 00:09:55,469 --> 00:09:57,805 The most extreme acting would be to perform The Tempest 241 00:09:57,805 --> 00:10:00,141 in that tempest. 242 00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:02,877 It's happening next year. All are invited, Wally. 243 00:10:02,877 --> 00:10:04,612 -Then I'd better leave. -Where are you going? 244 00:10:04,612 --> 00:10:07,982 To find work as a gravedigger and truly live the role. 245 00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:11,352 For you see, when I go in, I doth go all in. 246 00:10:11,352 --> 00:10:14,322 Welcome back to ArkyTAINMENT This Evening! 247 00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:17,692 The theater world is abuzz with, well, buzz 248 00:10:17,692 --> 00:10:19,694 about actor Wally Fourth. 249 00:10:19,694 --> 00:10:22,363 Wally Fourth's turn as Gravedigger Number Two 250 00:10:22,363 --> 00:10:26,334 is the greatest non-Joker performance I've ever seen. 251 00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:27,902 DOREEN DONKER JR: And once the reviews were in, 252 00:10:27,902 --> 00:10:30,171 the television industry came a-calling. 253 00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:32,206 Wally walked 100 kilometers a day 254 00:10:32,206 --> 00:10:34,175 for the one-line role of Pedestrian 255 00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:37,712 in the hit BBC drama Small Cars Driving in the Left Lane. 256 00:10:37,712 --> 00:10:39,213 He went that way. 257 00:10:39,213 --> 00:10:41,182 He broke his own wrist for the role 258 00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:43,050 of Waiting Room Patient in the show 259 00:10:43,050 --> 00:10:44,886 Feeling a Bit Iffy, Are We? 260 00:10:44,886 --> 00:10:47,355 before a last-minute rewrite changed the injury. 261 00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:49,357 Hi. I think I broke my collarbone. 262 00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:50,658 What's next for Wally? 263 00:10:50,658 --> 00:10:52,927 Well, he's just been cast as Denim-Clad Dad 264 00:10:52,927 --> 00:10:54,662 in a commercial for Eegan Blue Jeans. 265 00:10:54,662 --> 00:10:55,963 And to prepare for the role, 266 00:10:55,963 --> 00:10:58,099 he's already adopted a small child. 267 00:10:58,099 --> 00:11:02,236 -We've lost him. -That's so, so, so sad. 268 00:11:02,236 --> 00:11:03,971 Dibs on his flat-screen. 269 00:11:06,807 --> 00:11:08,809 -Okay, Rip's birth certificate? -Toss it. 270 00:11:08,809 --> 00:11:10,945 -Rip's beloved childhood sled? -Toss it. 271 00:11:10,945 --> 00:11:13,414 I just don't see how this is necessary. 272 00:11:13,414 --> 00:11:16,651 Rip's gone, dear. I got to get all his belongings logged 273 00:11:16,651 --> 00:11:19,854 and incinerated by the end of the month for tax purposes. 274 00:11:19,854 --> 00:11:21,656 -Rip's petty cash? -Toss it. 275 00:11:21,656 --> 00:11:23,624 Wait. How did Rip come back from the Winnipeg incident? 276 00:11:23,624 --> 00:11:26,594 I told you never to say those words around me ever again! 277 00:11:26,594 --> 00:11:28,062 -No, you didn't! -Well, I meant to! 278 00:11:28,062 --> 00:11:30,031 He finished the original mission. 279 00:11:30,031 --> 00:11:33,067 He said that made him remember his true purpose in life-- 280 00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:35,836 to become the greatest arky of all time. 281 00:11:35,836 --> 00:11:37,571 After that, he was Rip again. 282 00:11:37,571 --> 00:11:38,906 So if he came back last time, 283 00:11:38,906 --> 00:11:40,641 why are you guys giving up so easily? 284 00:11:40,641 --> 00:11:42,143 Shouldn't we be trying to save him? 285 00:11:42,143 --> 00:11:43,911 Saltine, he's a famous actor now. 286 00:11:43,911 --> 00:11:45,346 He doesn't want to be saved. 287 00:11:45,346 --> 00:11:47,648 It's clearly simpler to just burn everything 288 00:11:47,648 --> 00:11:49,550 and start our lives over from scratch. 289 00:11:49,550 --> 00:11:52,019 Screw that. I worked too hard to get this job. 290 00:11:52,019 --> 00:11:54,055 If he came back once, he can come back again. 291 00:11:54,055 --> 00:11:56,257 We just need Wally to pick up where Rip left off 292 00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:58,426 and find the sonnet for the Shakespeare Museum. 293 00:11:58,426 --> 00:12:01,829 And how are we going to get showbiz's hottest method actor 294 00:12:01,829 --> 00:12:04,031 -to do that? -[gasps] I know what we can do. 295 00:12:04,031 --> 00:12:05,900 That's great, dear. We'll get on it 296 00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:07,601 as soon as we finish up here. 297 00:12:07,601 --> 00:12:09,236 -Rip's stick of dynamite? -Toss it. 298 00:12:09,236 --> 00:12:10,938 -[dramatic music plays] -ZANE: Honor, 299 00:12:10,938 --> 00:12:12,940 heritage, tradition, 300 00:12:12,940 --> 00:12:15,176 a rooster weather vein. 301 00:12:15,176 --> 00:12:18,379 Eegan Blue Jeans, one of the 7,200 subsidiaries 302 00:12:18,379 --> 00:12:19,880 of EeganCorp. 303 00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:21,882 And cut. Great take. 304 00:12:21,882 --> 00:12:23,551 I'm so glad I directed this myself. 305 00:12:23,551 --> 00:12:26,320 You're Wally Fourth, right? Ah, your aces, bruv. 306 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:29,023 You know, you'd be a dead ringer for my old boss Rip Digman, 307 00:12:29,023 --> 00:12:31,092 if you didn't have that scar or dark hair. 308 00:12:31,092 --> 00:12:33,427 Bet you do, so, never mind. Uh, you want to party after we wrap? 309 00:12:33,427 --> 00:12:34,695 Don't know what you're talking about. 310 00:12:34,695 --> 00:12:36,097 I'm just a modest farmer. 311 00:12:36,097 --> 00:12:37,465 I got to tend to my dying crops 312 00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:39,433 and my beloved little young boy son. 313 00:12:39,433 --> 00:12:42,370 -You do your homework, lad? -I swear I did, Pop. I promise. 314 00:12:42,370 --> 00:12:44,472 Actually, you know what? I think I got all I need. 315 00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:45,973 -That's a wrap. -Whoo! 316 00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:47,475 [British accent]: Let's fucking rage! 317 00:12:47,475 --> 00:12:49,777 -Back to the orphanage, bub. -But you adopted me. 318 00:12:49,777 --> 00:12:51,579 -No, Denim-Clad Dad adopted you. -[phone rings] 319 00:12:51,579 --> 00:12:53,481 -[boy cries] -Hold on. This is my agent. Talk to me. 320 00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:55,316 A film? Brilliant! 321 00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:56,584 SWOOPER [with gruff voice]: Wally Fourth. 322 00:12:56,584 --> 00:12:58,085 Just the man I want to see. 323 00:12:58,085 --> 00:13:00,755 I'm Don Sleaze, and here at Sleaze Pictures, 324 00:13:00,755 --> 00:13:03,691 we make highbrow art films that take home Oscar gold. 325 00:13:03,691 --> 00:13:05,359 Huh. The name is misleading. 326 00:13:05,359 --> 00:13:08,295 We've got the perfect project for you to sink your teeth into. 327 00:13:08,295 --> 00:13:10,297 -Bring me the script. -I'm Jill Filth! 328 00:13:10,297 --> 00:13:12,099 Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Fourth. 329 00:13:12,099 --> 00:13:14,001 Ooh, look at that physique. 330 00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:17,571 You'd be perfect for this. Boopy de doopsy! 331 00:13:17,571 --> 00:13:20,074 The Rip Digman Story. Hot off the press. 332 00:13:20,074 --> 00:13:22,943 We want youse to play Rip Digman. 333 00:13:22,943 --> 00:13:24,945 The has-been arky? Interesting. 334 00:13:24,945 --> 00:13:28,716 But if I take this role, I am going to live as Rip Digman. 335 00:13:28,716 --> 00:13:30,051 Do you think you could hook me up 336 00:13:30,051 --> 00:13:31,519 with his old coworkers for research? 337 00:13:31,519 --> 00:13:32,953 Oh, I think that could be arranged. 338 00:13:32,953 --> 00:13:33,988 That should be no problem at all. 339 00:13:33,988 --> 00:13:35,823 Is this how he walks? 340 00:13:35,823 --> 00:13:37,358 [grunting] 341 00:13:37,358 --> 00:13:38,759 [chittering] 342 00:13:38,759 --> 00:13:40,094 ♪ ♪ 343 00:13:42,263 --> 00:13:45,232 -How about this? [grunting] -[chittering] 344 00:13:45,232 --> 00:13:48,269 The seat goes up for number one and down for number two. 345 00:13:48,269 --> 00:13:50,171 I'm sorry. I just don't follow. 346 00:13:50,171 --> 00:13:52,206 Oh, what about something like...? 347 00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:53,808 -Ooh! [grunts] -[chittering] 348 00:13:53,808 --> 00:13:55,509 [normal voice]: Okay, very funny. 349 00:13:55,509 --> 00:13:57,278 Hey, I sound just like him. 350 00:13:57,278 --> 00:13:59,280 -[snoring] -I got to say, I'm feeling more and more 351 00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:01,749 like this Rip chap all the time. 352 00:14:01,749 --> 00:14:03,484 Wish I had a little more backstory, though. 353 00:14:03,484 --> 00:14:05,186 W-What was he doing before he disappeared? 354 00:14:05,186 --> 00:14:07,254 He was trying to find Shakespeare's lost sonnet 355 00:14:07,254 --> 00:14:08,956 by infiltrating a production of Hamlet. 356 00:14:08,956 --> 00:14:10,291 Maybe you could complete the mission. 357 00:14:10,291 --> 00:14:12,126 An undercover job, eh? Let me guess. 358 00:14:12,126 --> 00:14:14,128 When Rip would go in, he'd go all... 359 00:14:14,128 --> 00:14:16,997 No! Rip would only ever go partially in. 360 00:14:16,997 --> 00:14:18,432 You can just be Rip. 361 00:14:18,432 --> 00:14:19,800 He never learned where the sonnet was hidden. 362 00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:21,135 But the actor who had it said 363 00:14:21,135 --> 00:14:22,503 he'd take that info "to the grave." 364 00:14:22,503 --> 00:14:24,071 Well, if it's a production of Hamlet, 365 00:14:24,071 --> 00:14:26,340 maybe he meant Ophelia's grave. 366 00:14:26,340 --> 00:14:28,742 -Beneath the stage! -Swoopy, fire up the plane. 367 00:14:28,742 --> 00:14:31,479 We're headed to London, England. 368 00:14:31,479 --> 00:14:33,147 It's "Swooper," but okay. 369 00:14:34,448 --> 00:14:37,284 Hey, hey, you're the actors who are doing Hamlet, right? 370 00:14:37,284 --> 00:14:38,819 Indeed. 371 00:14:38,819 --> 00:14:41,188 Bartender, I'd like to buy these kind folks a round... 372 00:14:41,188 --> 00:14:43,791 -of steaming hot piss! -What the devil?! 373 00:14:43,791 --> 00:14:45,526 The person you've got playing Gravedigger Number Two 374 00:14:45,526 --> 00:14:47,528 can't act for shit. There, I said it. 375 00:14:47,528 --> 00:14:50,531 'Tis true. Ever since Wally left, 376 00:14:50,531 --> 00:14:53,200 we've been going through one replacement after another. 377 00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:54,668 The play is terrible now. 378 00:14:54,668 --> 00:14:57,037 You're right to order piss for us to drink. 379 00:14:57,037 --> 00:14:58,739 Why don't you let me play the part? 380 00:14:58,739 --> 00:15:00,141 I'm a goddamn arky. 381 00:15:00,141 --> 00:15:02,042 Wait just a Big Ben tick. 382 00:15:02,042 --> 00:15:03,511 Aren't you Rip Digman? 383 00:15:03,511 --> 00:15:05,980 Yup. My whole life is going on digs. 384 00:15:05,980 --> 00:15:09,917 Good Lord, you're right. Hell, even your name is "dig man." 385 00:15:09,917 --> 00:15:12,720 Oh, yeah, it is, isn't it? Never really put that together. 386 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,755 This is so mental, 387 00:15:14,755 --> 00:15:17,858 it just may bloody work. 388 00:15:18,926 --> 00:15:20,227 [indistinct chatter] 389 00:15:20,227 --> 00:15:22,897 I pray this isn't utterly dreadful. 390 00:15:24,031 --> 00:15:26,400 Looks like the trap door where the sonnet is hidden is locked. 391 00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,169 But I think I know a way around it. 392 00:15:28,169 --> 00:15:29,637 SWOOPER: Maybe we can get it after the show. 393 00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:31,605 No, I've got a better idea. 394 00:15:32,740 --> 00:15:34,742 [applause] 395 00:15:34,742 --> 00:15:37,845 Get thee to... a nunnery! 396 00:15:37,845 --> 00:15:41,115 Where is the beauteous majesty... 397 00:15:41,115 --> 00:15:43,484 of Denmark? 398 00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:45,819 -Showtime, mate. -Let's give these boards 399 00:15:45,819 --> 00:15:47,521 the trodding of their lives. 400 00:15:47,521 --> 00:15:49,623 Is she to be buried in Christian burial, 401 00:15:49,623 --> 00:15:51,825 that willfully seeks her own salvation? 402 00:15:51,825 --> 00:15:53,527 Yup! Let's dig! 403 00:15:53,527 --> 00:15:55,863 -[audience gasping] -Go, get thee in, 404 00:15:55,863 --> 00:15:57,631 and fetch me a stoop of liquor. 405 00:15:57,631 --> 00:16:00,167 Actually, I shall not fetch thee a stoop. 406 00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:02,636 I shall continue... to dig! 407 00:16:02,636 --> 00:16:04,772 [gasps] What the hell are you doing?! 408 00:16:04,772 --> 00:16:07,341 What I do best. [grunts] 409 00:16:07,341 --> 00:16:09,543 -Aha! -Dear God, no. 410 00:16:09,543 --> 00:16:12,279 [grunts] En garde, Rip Digman! 411 00:16:12,279 --> 00:16:15,249 [laughs] Wow. Break the fourth wall much? 412 00:16:18,386 --> 00:16:20,288 -Parry! Fleche! Flunge! -[grunts] 413 00:16:20,288 --> 00:16:21,622 -Uh, guys, am I good at fencing? -[grunting] 414 00:16:21,622 --> 00:16:23,524 -SALTINE: No. -Oh, that's too bad, 415 00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:25,493 because Wally just completed an expert-level fencing course. 416 00:16:25,493 --> 00:16:27,261 But I will not draw upon those skills. 417 00:16:27,261 --> 00:16:28,796 -Ugh. -You didn't know that! 418 00:16:28,796 --> 00:16:30,197 How could you have known that?! 419 00:16:30,197 --> 00:16:32,066 -[grunts] -[audience gasping] 420 00:16:32,066 --> 00:16:34,302 -It's Wally Fourth! -[applause and cheering] 421 00:16:34,302 --> 00:16:36,237 No, no, no, no, no. I'm Rip! I'm Rip! 422 00:16:36,237 --> 00:16:38,439 -Give me the sonnet. -[grunting] 423 00:16:38,439 --> 00:16:41,409 -You're going to jail. -I don't care what happens to me, 424 00:16:41,409 --> 00:16:43,511 but this sonnet shouldn't be locked away. 425 00:16:43,511 --> 00:16:46,747 Let me read it, here, now, for the people. 426 00:16:46,747 --> 00:16:50,251 I know the real Wally is in there somewhere. 427 00:16:50,251 --> 00:16:51,953 Don't let him have that sonnet, Rip! 428 00:16:53,754 --> 00:16:56,223 [British accent]: The name's Wally, not Rip. 429 00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:57,625 Oh, goddamn it. 430 00:16:57,625 --> 00:16:58,993 And I'm not an arky. 431 00:16:58,993 --> 00:17:02,263 I am an actor. [grunts] 432 00:17:02,263 --> 00:17:03,664 We have to get in there and stop him. 433 00:17:03,664 --> 00:17:04,999 Not anymore, Saltine. 434 00:17:04,999 --> 00:17:06,701 We have to trust his instincts. 435 00:17:06,701 --> 00:17:08,803 You're the one who didn't trust his instincts earlier. 436 00:17:08,803 --> 00:17:11,005 What possibly convinced you to trust them now? 437 00:17:11,005 --> 00:17:12,807 I'm too tired to walk in there. 438 00:17:12,807 --> 00:17:14,241 We just flew to England! 439 00:17:14,241 --> 00:17:17,345 [audience murmuring] 440 00:17:17,345 --> 00:17:19,847 -Lights, please. -[lights clack on] 441 00:17:19,847 --> 00:17:20,982 [audience whispering] 442 00:17:20,982 --> 00:17:22,049 [clears throat] 443 00:17:22,049 --> 00:17:24,919 A sonnet by William Shakespeare. 444 00:17:24,919 --> 00:17:26,287 [audience gasping] 445 00:17:26,287 --> 00:17:30,858 "Such sweet a form thy body and thy skin 446 00:17:30,858 --> 00:17:35,129 "and charms, that thou hath learned to preen and show. 447 00:17:35,129 --> 00:17:38,399 "But I desire what lieth deep within, 448 00:17:38,399 --> 00:17:42,203 "the part of thee that only thou yet know. 449 00:17:42,203 --> 00:17:46,240 "Oh, how mine poenis plumpens when you're near! 450 00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:49,677 "To see thy comely form all squished and smushed, 451 00:17:49,677 --> 00:17:53,481 "mine humors boil forsooth and roar arear. 452 00:17:53,481 --> 00:17:57,918 "And lo, unto my britches poenis pushest. 453 00:17:57,918 --> 00:18:00,688 "But what is silhouetted on the wall? 454 00:18:00,688 --> 00:18:02,356 "A shapely maiden? Nay. 455 00:18:02,356 --> 00:18:04,959 "My poenis 'tis. It's back. 456 00:18:04,959 --> 00:18:07,461 "In powdered wig and child's shawl, 457 00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:10,698 "for thine delight to dance a merry jig. 458 00:18:10,698 --> 00:18:14,702 "And now, as one, our seeds shall both be sowed, 459 00:18:14,702 --> 00:18:20,374 as your sweet maidenhood meets my stout chode." 460 00:18:20,374 --> 00:18:21,509 [grunts] 461 00:18:21,509 --> 00:18:23,511 -[squeals] -[groans] -Ah! 462 00:18:23,511 --> 00:18:25,680 [groaning, grunting, whimpering] 463 00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:27,181 [sighs] 464 00:18:28,883 --> 00:18:31,218 [applause and cheering] 465 00:18:34,755 --> 00:18:36,323 [grunts] 466 00:18:36,323 --> 00:18:37,792 Breaking news out of London. 467 00:18:37,792 --> 00:18:39,894 William Shakespeare's skull has been recovered 468 00:18:39,894 --> 00:18:42,763 by police and returned to the Shakespeare Museum. 469 00:18:42,763 --> 00:18:46,567 Stage actor Sebastian Lines has been found guilty on all counts 470 00:18:46,567 --> 00:18:49,070 and shipped to the penal colony of Australia. 471 00:18:49,070 --> 00:18:52,106 They should really update the law. It's very nice here. 472 00:18:52,106 --> 00:18:53,774 And ever since being recited publicly, 473 00:18:53,774 --> 00:18:56,777 Shakespeare's lost sonnet has spread like wildfire. 474 00:18:56,777 --> 00:18:58,579 And as global orgasms skyrocket, 475 00:18:58,579 --> 00:19:00,715 so too have sales of Eegan Blue Jeans. 476 00:19:00,715 --> 00:19:05,052 ZANE: Jeans so tough, so rugged, so resilient. 477 00:19:05,052 --> 00:19:07,321 -[honks] -[panting] 478 00:19:07,321 --> 00:19:09,090 Good luck creamin' them. 479 00:19:11,192 --> 00:19:12,860 Query for you chaps. 480 00:19:12,860 --> 00:19:14,395 I noticed a door in the garage 481 00:19:14,395 --> 00:19:16,163 that says Rip's Secret Chamber. 482 00:19:16,163 --> 00:19:17,732 Am I allowed to go in there for research? 483 00:19:17,732 --> 00:19:19,633 -Do whatever you want, Wally. -Cheers. 484 00:19:19,633 --> 00:19:22,436 I don't get why he didn't revert to being Rip. 485 00:19:22,436 --> 00:19:23,437 He finished the mission. 486 00:19:23,437 --> 00:19:24,872 Yeah, I was only guessing 487 00:19:24,872 --> 00:19:26,440 that that's what would bring him back. 488 00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:28,242 I'm not a shrink, Saltine. 489 00:19:28,242 --> 00:19:30,111 Huh. Whoop. 490 00:19:30,111 --> 00:19:31,779 [gasps] 491 00:19:31,779 --> 00:19:33,447 [whistles] 492 00:19:37,752 --> 00:19:40,087 Well, aren't you fit. 493 00:19:40,087 --> 00:19:41,188 [gasps] 494 00:19:41,188 --> 00:19:44,358 ♪ ♪ 495 00:19:48,763 --> 00:19:49,964 [roaring] 496 00:19:49,964 --> 00:19:51,298 [grunting] 497 00:19:54,101 --> 00:19:57,271 [gasps] I remember my true purpose in life. 498 00:19:57,271 --> 00:19:59,406 -[Rip yelling] -[birds squawking] 499 00:19:59,406 --> 00:20:02,243 -What was that? -Everything okay, Wally? 500 00:20:02,243 --> 00:20:05,312 Who's Wally? It's me, Rip. 501 00:20:05,312 --> 00:20:07,848 Oh, man, I went in too deep again, didn't I? 502 00:20:07,848 --> 00:20:10,317 -Rip, you're back. -Yeah, I guess I am. 503 00:20:10,317 --> 00:20:12,586 Just like the Winnipeg incident. 504 00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:15,156 No, this was nothing like the Winnipeg incident. 505 00:20:15,156 --> 00:20:17,558 Will you please just tell me what was the Winnipeg incident? 506 00:20:17,558 --> 00:20:19,727 Well, there was a missing poem that made people orgasm 507 00:20:19,727 --> 00:20:22,029 and Rip had to disguise himself as an actor to get it back. 508 00:20:22,029 --> 00:20:24,331 How was that any different than this? 509 00:20:24,331 --> 00:20:25,900 It happened in March, not May. 510 00:20:25,900 --> 00:20:28,435 So this was just a big waste of my time? 511 00:20:28,435 --> 00:20:31,105 Or was it so funny that you actually don't mind? 512 00:20:31,105 --> 00:20:34,275 I agree. It's funny in theory. It's just not my kind of humor. 513 00:20:34,275 --> 00:20:37,878 Well, I guess everyone has their own taste. 514 00:20:37,878 --> 00:20:39,980 [laughter] 515 00:20:39,980 --> 00:20:41,782 It's good to be back! 516 00:20:48,923 --> 00:20:52,059 I knew you wouldn't miss the 50-year tempest. 517 00:20:52,059 --> 00:20:53,994 [scoffs] Wally Fourth. 518 00:20:53,994 --> 00:20:55,896 It's not Wally Fourth anymore. 519 00:20:55,896 --> 00:20:57,164 I'm Rip Digman. 520 00:20:57,164 --> 00:20:59,533 -Are you? -[gasps] 521 00:20:59,533 --> 00:21:03,537 You are just in time for my one- man performance of The Tempest. 522 00:21:05,239 --> 00:21:08,309 Time to dance with the universe. 523 00:21:08,309 --> 00:21:10,544 [grunting] 524 00:21:12,279 --> 00:21:15,115 Boson! Here, master: what cheer? 525 00:21:15,115 --> 00:21:16,750 Good. Speak to the mariners: 526 00:21:16,750 --> 00:21:19,520 Fall to't, yarely, or we run ourselves aground. Bestir-- 527 00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:21,455 Oh, my God! These waves are huge! 528 00:21:21,455 --> 00:21:23,691 I'm going to fucking die! 529 00:21:23,691 --> 00:21:24,758 [screaming] 530 00:21:26,126 --> 00:21:28,629 Well, I guess all's well that ends well. 531 00:21:51,603 --> 00:21:53,605 Chirp.