1 00:00:08,141 --> 00:00:10,377 Wow. This is so exciting. 2 00:00:10,377 --> 00:00:12,011 I've never been to Grailfest before. 3 00:00:12,011 --> 00:00:15,448 Indeed. It's the world's biggest convention for Holy Grail fans. 4 00:00:15,448 --> 00:00:18,518 Rip, can you just imagine if you found the Grail someday? 5 00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:20,653 I'd have to buy a friggin' oxygen tank 6 00:00:20,653 --> 00:00:22,789 because I wouldn't deserve to breathe the same air as you. 7 00:00:22,789 --> 00:00:25,358 Ha! That's certainly true, Swooper, my good friend. 8 00:00:25,358 --> 00:00:28,595 Folks. Everyone has the Holy Grail all wrong. 9 00:00:28,595 --> 00:00:31,131 It's not that it grants eternal life, no, no. 10 00:00:31,131 --> 00:00:32,799 It brings the dead back to life. 11 00:00:32,799 --> 00:00:34,801 Jesus, Ganesha, Osiris. 12 00:00:34,801 --> 00:00:36,202 They all drank from the Grail... 13 00:00:36,202 --> 00:00:38,571 [echoing]: and returned to life. 14 00:00:38,571 --> 00:00:40,507 Oh, Bella, someday I'll find the Holy Grail 15 00:00:40,507 --> 00:00:42,041 and bring you back to life. 16 00:00:42,041 --> 00:00:45,044 And then we will make love in the light of the waxing moon. 17 00:00:45,044 --> 00:00:47,914 Our guttural cries echoing in the olive black night 18 00:00:47,914 --> 00:00:52,719 like the roars of a sexually receptive chimera in estrus. 19 00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:55,255 -Right, Rip? Rip? -Huh? What-what were you saying? 20 00:00:55,255 --> 00:00:57,657 I said that guy was a grade A loon. 21 00:00:57,657 --> 00:01:00,126 He really thinks the Grail can bring the dead back to life? 22 00:01:00,126 --> 00:01:03,029 I didn't expect you to be so closed-minded, Saltine. 23 00:01:03,029 --> 00:01:05,198 Let me guess, you also believe the Earth is flat, 24 00:01:05,198 --> 00:01:09,202 despite mounting evidence to the contrary. 25 00:01:09,202 --> 00:01:11,504 What? No, I'm just saying that I hope 26 00:01:11,504 --> 00:01:14,140 the Grail can't resurrect people, that's creepy. 27 00:01:14,140 --> 00:01:16,009 I got to side with Saltine here, boss. 28 00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:19,446 Only a fucking monster would want to raise the dead. 29 00:01:19,446 --> 00:01:21,781 Oh. [chuckles] Well, yeah, I mean, of course I agree, 30 00:01:21,781 --> 00:01:24,083 but what if someone wanted to use it once for, like, 31 00:01:24,083 --> 00:01:26,619 a really good cause, and then they'd give it to a museum? 32 00:01:26,619 --> 00:01:29,088 Good one, Rip. Obviously, using an artifact 33 00:01:29,088 --> 00:01:30,757 for a selfish reason like that 34 00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,892 would break the arky code, which we would never do, right? 35 00:01:32,892 --> 00:01:35,395 [chuckling]: Totally. Of course not. 36 00:01:35,395 --> 00:01:36,896 Okay, good. Well, I'm off. 37 00:01:36,896 --> 00:01:38,398 I heard there's another woman here, 38 00:01:38,398 --> 00:01:40,400 and I want to see if I can find her. 39 00:01:41,167 --> 00:01:43,403 ♪ ♪ 40 00:02:14,567 --> 00:02:16,035 ZANE: And that's essentially how I keep 41 00:02:16,035 --> 00:02:17,570 my bum looking so proper fit. 42 00:02:17,570 --> 00:02:19,706 -Did I answer your question? -No. My question was, 43 00:02:19,706 --> 00:02:21,207 what's your favorite holiday? 44 00:02:21,207 --> 00:02:22,475 Well, what do you say we all get to 45 00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:24,177 the real reason we're here today? 46 00:02:24,177 --> 00:02:25,945 Who loves museums? 47 00:02:25,945 --> 00:02:27,547 -[cheering] -[laughs] 48 00:02:27,547 --> 00:02:29,482 That's what I thought. And guess what. 49 00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:32,252 There's gonna be a new top dog in the museum game. 50 00:02:32,252 --> 00:02:33,486 Take a look. 51 00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:35,388 [over speakers]: Hammurabi's hat. 52 00:02:35,388 --> 00:02:38,157 Edison's telephone. Angela's ashes. 53 00:02:38,157 --> 00:02:39,959 Big momma's house. 54 00:02:39,959 --> 00:02:42,028 These were some of the greatet lost treasures in history, 55 00:02:42,028 --> 00:02:44,831 until now, because soon you'll be able to find them al 56 00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:48,268 inside the greatest museum the world has ever known-- 57 00:02:48,268 --> 00:02:49,736 the Eegan. 58 00:02:49,736 --> 00:02:51,571 But I'm not opening my museum until we find 59 00:02:51,571 --> 00:02:54,407 the most important relic of all: the Holy Grail. 60 00:02:54,407 --> 00:02:56,209 And I'm not releasing my new single 61 00:02:56,209 --> 00:02:58,311 -until we find it. -This year... 62 00:02:58,311 --> 00:03:00,380 BOTH: We will find the Holy Grail. 63 00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:02,615 QUAIL [echoing]: The Eegan. 64 00:03:02,615 --> 00:03:04,684 All right, listen up. I got good money 65 00:03:04,684 --> 00:03:06,152 for anyone who can tell me where to find the Grail. 66 00:03:06,152 --> 00:03:07,620 ALL: I know, I know... 67 00:03:07,620 --> 00:03:09,889 It's inside the sphinx, but only I know where. 68 00:03:09,889 --> 00:03:11,724 Let me guess. Inside the left nostril. 69 00:03:11,724 --> 00:03:13,927 -It's not. I checked. -It's inside the Titanic. 70 00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:15,795 Stowed behind the condenser in the turbine room? 71 00:03:15,795 --> 00:03:17,830 I looked. Nothing but starfish. 72 00:03:17,830 --> 00:03:21,200 I know where it is, but you'll have to do something for me. 73 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,669 Get out of here, Indiana Jones. 74 00:03:22,669 --> 00:03:24,203 You fucking perv. Come on. 75 00:03:24,203 --> 00:03:26,105 Does anyone have an actual lead? 76 00:03:26,105 --> 00:03:27,440 Thought not. 77 00:03:28,641 --> 00:03:31,010 Hey, you're new here. 78 00:03:31,010 --> 00:03:32,946 Think you know where the Grail is hidden? 79 00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:34,380 I don't think anything. 80 00:03:34,380 --> 00:03:35,882 I know where it is. 81 00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:36,849 Oh, yeah? Where? 82 00:03:36,849 --> 00:03:38,585 I ain't telling just anyone. 83 00:03:38,585 --> 00:03:41,054 Only someone who's looking for it for the right reasons. 84 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,089 So, why are you looking for it? 85 00:03:43,089 --> 00:03:46,926 [scoffs] Why, 'tis the desire of every arky to... 86 00:03:46,926 --> 00:03:48,661 to... [sighs] 87 00:03:48,661 --> 00:03:50,630 For true love, that's the only reason, 88 00:03:50,630 --> 00:03:52,398 I must admit most heartfeltedly. 89 00:03:52,398 --> 00:03:53,900 Right answer. 90 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:55,401 Follow this map. 91 00:03:55,401 --> 00:03:57,804 But what are all these blue lines? Oh, I see. 92 00:03:57,804 --> 00:03:59,806 Those are letters. Hmm. This is interesting. 93 00:03:59,806 --> 00:04:01,541 I wonder what Saltine and Swooper will think. 94 00:04:01,541 --> 00:04:03,409 Wait, I can't tell them. They'd think I'm a monster 95 00:04:03,409 --> 00:04:05,211 on par with Nosferatu himself. 96 00:04:05,211 --> 00:04:07,547 Looks like I got to do this solo. 97 00:04:07,547 --> 00:04:09,148 -[screeches] -[chuckles] All right, fine. 98 00:04:09,148 --> 00:04:12,085 You can come, too. Thank you for the map, my new friend 99 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:14,120 who immediately ghosted me? 100 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:16,022 Well, time to hit the road. 101 00:04:16,022 --> 00:04:18,558 ♪ ♪ 102 00:04:21,327 --> 00:04:23,630 Blueberry pie?! 103 00:04:24,697 --> 00:04:25,765 [grunts] 104 00:04:28,401 --> 00:04:29,869 Wow. I could be on the verge of 105 00:04:29,869 --> 00:04:31,504 the most important moment of my life. 106 00:04:31,504 --> 00:04:33,673 At a time like this, I believe John Keats put it best 107 00:04:33,673 --> 00:04:36,242 when he wrote-- Fleety, stop eating grass! 108 00:04:36,242 --> 00:04:37,543 [retches] 109 00:04:37,543 --> 00:04:39,045 Any word from Rip? It's been a week. 110 00:04:39,045 --> 00:04:40,580 Don't worry. It's not the first time 111 00:04:40,580 --> 00:04:41,914 he's taken off like this. 112 00:04:41,914 --> 00:04:43,316 Hmm. [gasps] I know. 113 00:04:43,316 --> 00:04:45,251 I'll look for clues inside his secret chamber. 114 00:04:45,251 --> 00:04:48,121 That's a bad idea. 115 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,622 Because of the stink. 116 00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:51,924 But if you absolutely insist, you'll need this. 117 00:04:51,924 --> 00:04:54,627 -Because of the stink. -[sighs] 118 00:04:55,662 --> 00:04:58,131 [groans] It does stink. 119 00:04:58,131 --> 00:04:59,766 What the hell? 120 00:04:59,766 --> 00:05:03,803 Now, let's see. Where might Rip leave a clue? 121 00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:05,938 Hmm. 122 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:10,710 [gasps] That's it. 123 00:05:10,710 --> 00:05:12,311 Yeah, well, that's why the yield 124 00:05:12,311 --> 00:05:14,614 on the benchmark ten-year Treasury note keeps rising. 125 00:05:14,614 --> 00:05:16,749 -I got it! -Hey, I was shitposting. 126 00:05:16,749 --> 00:05:18,217 I found a code in Rip's bathroom that uses 127 00:05:18,217 --> 00:05:20,386 the same syntax as my pet cat's tracking chip. 128 00:05:20,386 --> 00:05:22,355 I think there's a tracker in Fleety. [gasps] 129 00:05:22,355 --> 00:05:25,224 -I'm right. Look. -[grunts] 130 00:05:25,224 --> 00:05:26,826 He's on a mountain in Alaska. 131 00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:28,394 I don't have a good feeling about this. 132 00:05:28,394 --> 00:05:29,829 What if he's in danger? 133 00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:30,830 I don't want to see his name on a tombstone. 134 00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:32,331 His name is spelled R-I-P. 135 00:05:32,331 --> 00:05:34,200 You should get used to seeing it on tombstones. 136 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:37,670 Gas up the plane, Swooper. We're heading to Alaska. 137 00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:39,505 No can do. Rip and Fleety are 138 00:05:39,505 --> 00:05:40,640 in the White Hell Mountain Range. 139 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:42,241 It's inaccessible by normal plane. 140 00:05:42,241 --> 00:05:43,843 -You got to hike there. -We don't have time for that. 141 00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,912 Well, if you flew to a suborbital altitude, 142 00:05:45,912 --> 00:05:47,480 you could parachute in, but there's only 143 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,582 one aircraft in the world that can do that, 144 00:05:49,582 --> 00:05:51,617 and you're not gonna like who has it. 145 00:05:51,617 --> 00:05:53,686 Quail Eegan. 146 00:05:53,686 --> 00:05:56,122 Sorry, I'm just setting up the voice mail for my new phone. 147 00:05:56,122 --> 00:05:58,825 So, what's this about wanting to use my plane? 148 00:05:58,825 --> 00:06:01,027 Careful, Fleety. I get the feeling we're about 149 00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:03,830 to encounter a dark and unfathomable horror. 150 00:06:03,830 --> 00:06:06,332 A Lovecraftian nightmare meant to shatter our sanity 151 00:06:06,332 --> 00:06:09,635 and cast our fragile minds into deepest despair. 152 00:06:09,635 --> 00:06:11,471 Nope. I was wrong. 153 00:06:11,471 --> 00:06:13,139 -[lively chatter] -Whee! 154 00:06:13,139 --> 00:06:14,941 [laughter] 155 00:06:14,941 --> 00:06:16,542 Hey, couple quick questions. Who are you, 156 00:06:16,542 --> 00:06:17,777 and what the hell is this place? 157 00:06:17,777 --> 00:06:20,279 We are the Puff People. 158 00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:22,381 This is the Realm of Cumulus 159 00:06:22,381 --> 00:06:24,517 in the great Kingdom of Puffland. 160 00:06:24,517 --> 00:06:26,552 And that is the Jar on the Shelf. 161 00:06:26,552 --> 00:06:27,820 You don't say. 162 00:06:27,820 --> 00:06:29,789 Legend has it that whoever is able 163 00:06:29,789 --> 00:06:31,424 to pull that jar down from the shelf 164 00:06:31,424 --> 00:06:34,594 is the one true Lord of Cumulus. 165 00:06:34,594 --> 00:06:36,395 I've been practicing all year. 166 00:06:36,395 --> 00:06:38,631 I know I can reach the jar. 167 00:06:38,631 --> 00:06:40,800 -[all gasp] -[grunting] 168 00:06:43,136 --> 00:06:46,172 -[others groaning] -Doggone it, it's impossible. 169 00:06:46,172 --> 00:06:47,240 RIP: Mind if I try? 170 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,407 [gasping] 171 00:06:48,407 --> 00:06:49,809 -[laughter] -[laughs] Sure, 172 00:06:49,809 --> 00:06:52,678 if you feel like embarrassing yourself. 173 00:06:52,678 --> 00:06:54,080 This ought to be good. 174 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,982 [laughter] 175 00:06:55,982 --> 00:06:57,183 [all gasp] 176 00:06:57,183 --> 00:06:59,819 All hail our new lord. 177 00:06:59,819 --> 00:07:01,854 Sorry I disrespected you, my lord. 178 00:07:01,854 --> 00:07:04,757 If you like, you may bed my wife while I watch. 179 00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:06,759 [chuckles] Okay. Well, actually, no. 180 00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:08,661 I'm on a mission, so no, thank you. 181 00:07:08,661 --> 00:07:10,863 -Rats. -Now, great Lord of Cumulus, 182 00:07:10,863 --> 00:07:12,865 you must travel to Castle Puff 183 00:07:12,865 --> 00:07:15,134 and make yourself known to the king. 184 00:07:15,134 --> 00:07:16,936 [fanfare playing] 185 00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:18,838 Oh, I don't know if I'm up for all that. 186 00:07:18,838 --> 00:07:19,939 I'm just looking for a grail. 187 00:07:19,939 --> 00:07:21,674 You must mean the king's grail. 188 00:07:21,674 --> 00:07:23,009 You can find it at Castle Puff. 189 00:07:23,009 --> 00:07:24,811 Oh, no shit? Okay, then, sure, yeah. 190 00:07:24,811 --> 00:07:26,312 -I'll go meet the king. -Huzzah! 191 00:07:26,312 --> 00:07:28,781 -You thinking what I'm thinking, Fleety? -[screeches] 192 00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:30,716 Oh, yeah, no, I wasn't thinking that. 193 00:07:30,716 --> 00:07:32,885 Eh, I don't know if Ronald McDonald is sterile. 194 00:07:32,885 --> 00:07:35,454 I mean, if I had to guess, I'd say he's childless by choice, 195 00:07:35,454 --> 00:07:37,523 but I really couldn't say. 196 00:07:41,436 --> 00:07:44,006 So, what do you think of my expensive space plane? 197 00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:46,942 [sputters] You may have all the latest gadgets and gizmos, 198 00:07:46,942 --> 00:07:48,810 but there's one thing this plane doesn't have-- 199 00:07:48,810 --> 00:07:51,146 -a bathroom. -Yes, it does. 200 00:07:51,146 --> 00:07:54,116 -It's right over there. -Oh, really? Whoops. 201 00:07:54,116 --> 00:07:55,651 I took a dump in a flight helmet. 202 00:07:55,651 --> 00:07:57,920 Aw, poor Saltine. 203 00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:00,822 You're only now learning that Rip is as deceptive 204 00:08:00,822 --> 00:08:02,357 as an Eastern gray squirrel, 205 00:08:02,357 --> 00:08:04,826 which is a far more deceptive animal than a snake. 206 00:08:04,826 --> 00:08:07,062 He doesn't give one figgy whit about you. 207 00:08:07,062 --> 00:08:08,130 That's not true. 208 00:08:08,130 --> 00:08:09,798 Isn't it? He clearly got a hot tip 209 00:08:09,798 --> 00:08:11,767 at Grailfest and went off to find the Grail by himself 210 00:08:11,767 --> 00:08:14,169 so he wouldn't have to share credit with you. 211 00:08:14,169 --> 00:08:16,939 I should know. He used to do the same thing to me. 212 00:08:16,939 --> 00:08:19,508 [sputters] I just want to find him and make sure he's safe. 213 00:08:19,508 --> 00:08:21,243 Oh, such a good assistant arky. 214 00:08:21,243 --> 00:08:23,478 After I find the Grail, you should come work for me 215 00:08:23,478 --> 00:08:24,780 alongside your little friend Trisket 216 00:08:24,780 --> 00:08:26,114 when she gets back from Birthright. 217 00:08:26,114 --> 00:08:27,282 I would never do that. 218 00:08:27,282 --> 00:08:28,584 I hate you, you arse. 219 00:08:28,584 --> 00:08:30,586 Excuse me, what about that time 220 00:08:30,586 --> 00:08:32,220 you were shot by a poisoned dart? 221 00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:34,056 I told you where to find the bloody antidote. 222 00:08:34,056 --> 00:08:35,624 -You're the one who shot me. -Yeah, fair enough. 223 00:08:35,624 --> 00:08:37,059 QUAIL: Attention, passengers. 224 00:08:37,059 --> 00:08:38,660 I'm turning off the seat belt sign. 225 00:08:38,660 --> 00:08:40,095 Feel free to get up from your seat 226 00:08:40,095 --> 00:08:41,797 and jump your asses out of my plane. 227 00:08:44,433 --> 00:08:47,369 Gonna be pretty hard for me to not yell "cowabunga." 228 00:08:47,369 --> 00:08:48,770 Oh, please don't. 229 00:08:48,770 --> 00:08:52,074 -[grunts] -Cowabunga...! 230 00:08:53,342 --> 00:08:55,844 ♪ ♪ 231 00:08:55,844 --> 00:08:57,279 [crying] 232 00:08:57,279 --> 00:09:01,283 They say it's good to be king, but I find it sad. 233 00:09:01,283 --> 00:09:02,884 There, there, sir. 234 00:09:02,884 --> 00:09:05,120 -All is not lost. -HERALD: King Puff. 235 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:06,388 You have a visitor. 236 00:09:06,388 --> 00:09:08,490 The new lord from the Realm of Cumulus. 237 00:09:08,490 --> 00:09:10,659 Really? Show him in. Show him in. 238 00:09:10,659 --> 00:09:13,862 Good King, I am Lord Rip Digman. 239 00:09:13,862 --> 00:09:14,830 [whoops] 240 00:09:14,830 --> 00:09:17,132 Uhp, you dropped this, King. 241 00:09:17,132 --> 00:09:19,868 My lad, I am so happy to meet you. 242 00:09:19,868 --> 00:09:21,103 Me? Why? 243 00:09:21,103 --> 00:09:23,572 My daughter is almost 390 years old, 244 00:09:23,572 --> 00:09:25,607 which is when Puff People start to talk 245 00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:27,442 if a young lady is not yet married. 246 00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:28,910 Yeah, that's a tough age for a woman. 247 00:09:28,910 --> 00:09:30,812 I've tried to arrange a match with every lord 248 00:09:30,812 --> 00:09:33,815 in Puffland, and they've all rejected her. 249 00:09:33,815 --> 00:09:36,151 But perhaps you and she may hit it off. 250 00:09:36,151 --> 00:09:37,386 What? [groans] 251 00:09:37,386 --> 00:09:39,354 I'm sure she's lovely, my short king, 252 00:09:39,354 --> 00:09:41,590 but I must confess, I'm only here for the Grail. 253 00:09:41,590 --> 00:09:42,958 Well, why didn't you say so? 254 00:09:42,958 --> 00:09:44,726 I would be happy to give you the Grail 255 00:09:44,726 --> 00:09:46,094 if you marry my daughter. 256 00:09:46,094 --> 00:09:47,229 Really? Okay. 257 00:09:47,229 --> 00:09:48,530 Wonderful. 258 00:09:48,530 --> 00:09:50,132 There is one final test, though. 259 00:09:50,132 --> 00:09:52,801 To be certain that you truly deserve the Grail, 260 00:09:52,801 --> 00:09:55,270 you must be able to identify it. 261 00:09:55,270 --> 00:09:57,172 ♪ ♪ 262 00:09:59,808 --> 00:10:01,777 -That one. -Correct. Okay, great. 263 00:10:01,777 --> 00:10:03,612 -You'll marry my daughter tomorrow. -Great. 264 00:10:03,612 --> 00:10:05,147 But shouldn't I meet her first? 265 00:10:05,147 --> 00:10:07,816 I mean, she has no say in whether or not she gets married. 266 00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:09,484 That's entirely up to the two of us. 267 00:10:09,484 --> 00:10:11,920 But sure, you can meet her if you want, simp. 268 00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:13,221 -What was that? -Oh, nothing, nothing. 269 00:10:13,221 --> 00:10:15,223 Splendid idea. Whatever you want. 270 00:10:15,223 --> 00:10:17,626 ♪ ♪ 271 00:10:17,626 --> 00:10:19,461 I can't believe this place is real. 272 00:10:19,461 --> 00:10:21,363 Well, there have been rumors of a land like this. 273 00:10:21,363 --> 00:10:23,198 But then again, there are rumors that 274 00:10:23,198 --> 00:10:25,567 I got fillers in my earlobes to make them look taut and shapely. 275 00:10:25,567 --> 00:10:27,869 -And that's obviously not true. -VENDOR: Sheriff Sludgely, 276 00:10:27,869 --> 00:10:30,572 I'm begging you. I've already paid my taxes. 277 00:10:30,572 --> 00:10:31,840 What more could you want? 278 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:34,009 The princess is getting married tomorrow, 279 00:10:34,009 --> 00:10:36,878 so the king has instituted a wedding tax to pay for it. 280 00:10:36,878 --> 00:10:39,648 And now there's a surcharge on top of that 281 00:10:39,648 --> 00:10:41,516 for mouthing off to me. 282 00:10:42,217 --> 00:10:45,487 -There we go. -I hope you're happy. 283 00:10:45,487 --> 00:10:47,289 I won't be able to feed my kids. 284 00:10:47,289 --> 00:10:52,027 Lucky for them, thin is in. [laughs] 285 00:10:52,027 --> 00:10:53,762 -This is terrible. -Yeah, it reminds me of 286 00:10:53,762 --> 00:10:56,164 -my poverty-stricken childhood. -I didn't know that about you. 287 00:10:56,164 --> 00:10:58,467 I assumed you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth. 288 00:10:58,467 --> 00:11:00,001 No, no. In fact, when I was born, 289 00:11:00,001 --> 00:11:01,570 my mouth was completely empty. 290 00:11:01,570 --> 00:11:03,271 [grunts] 291 00:11:05,474 --> 00:11:08,043 ♪ ♪ 292 00:11:09,911 --> 00:11:11,546 I believe these are yours, milady. 293 00:11:11,546 --> 00:11:13,081 Thank you, kind stranger. 294 00:11:13,081 --> 00:11:15,417 I'll think of you tonight as I beat off. 295 00:11:15,417 --> 00:11:16,718 Right. 296 00:11:18,153 --> 00:11:20,522 -I may have underestimated you. -Perhaps so. 297 00:11:20,522 --> 00:11:23,125 I figured a good deed could help lead us closer to the Grail. 298 00:11:23,125 --> 00:11:25,694 -You see, I'm always thinking two steps ahead. -Wow. 299 00:11:25,694 --> 00:11:27,562 And sometimes it's three. 300 00:11:27,562 --> 00:11:29,030 The fuck! 301 00:11:29,030 --> 00:11:30,932 All right, Fleety. I don't feel great 302 00:11:30,932 --> 00:11:32,567 about marrying someone just to get the Grail. 303 00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:35,103 So here's the plan. I'll make the princess hate me 304 00:11:35,103 --> 00:11:37,038 so that she'll be glad to be rid of me. 305 00:11:37,038 --> 00:11:39,508 -No harm, no foul. -Lord Digman. 306 00:11:39,508 --> 00:11:41,076 This is my daughter, Gasolina. 307 00:11:41,076 --> 00:11:44,346 I wish I could stay, but I must oversee an execution. 308 00:11:44,346 --> 00:11:46,281 [imitates spring boing] 309 00:11:46,281 --> 00:11:50,085 So, you're the big shot who wants to marry me, huh? 310 00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:51,486 That's right, and just so you know, 311 00:11:51,486 --> 00:11:53,388 I think a woman's place is in the kitchen. 312 00:11:53,388 --> 00:11:55,590 Really? Wow, that's so... 313 00:11:55,590 --> 00:11:57,058 -progressive. -What? 314 00:11:57,058 --> 00:11:58,927 Women aren't allowed to cook meals in Puffland. 315 00:11:58,927 --> 00:12:00,662 I've never met such an open-minded man. 316 00:12:00,662 --> 00:12:03,465 Uh, I-I should also tell you that I think the homeless 317 00:12:03,465 --> 00:12:05,901 -should be thrown in jail. -Instead of incinerated? 318 00:12:05,901 --> 00:12:07,736 Oh, you compassionate hunk. 319 00:12:07,736 --> 00:12:09,004 All right. Didn't know that. 320 00:12:09,004 --> 00:12:10,739 Man, Puffland's pretty fucked-up. 321 00:12:10,739 --> 00:12:12,407 -Uh, I'm unemployed. -You better be. 322 00:12:12,407 --> 00:12:14,676 Being my husband is a full-time job. 323 00:12:14,676 --> 00:12:15,911 I lie a lot. 324 00:12:15,911 --> 00:12:17,779 So do I. On my bed, on my couch. 325 00:12:17,779 --> 00:12:20,015 -We are the same. -I hate kissing. 326 00:12:20,015 --> 00:12:21,817 Me, too. Just get to the good stuff already. 327 00:12:21,817 --> 00:12:23,318 I'm riddled with disease. 328 00:12:23,318 --> 00:12:25,520 The better to boost my immunity with, my sweet. 329 00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:26,888 I think the Earth is flat. 330 00:12:26,888 --> 00:12:29,591 Despite mounting evidence to the contrary? 331 00:12:29,591 --> 00:12:31,226 Oh, I love your confidence. 332 00:12:31,226 --> 00:12:33,361 Man, this is all backfiring. Better kick it up a notch. 333 00:12:33,361 --> 00:12:35,697 Okay, well, I'm gonna go roll around 334 00:12:35,697 --> 00:12:37,566 in that manure over there. [grunts] 335 00:12:37,566 --> 00:12:38,967 [gasps] My king. 336 00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:40,435 Everyone else shames me for that. 337 00:12:40,435 --> 00:12:43,004 Rip Digman, I absolutely love you, 338 00:12:43,004 --> 00:12:45,006 and I can't wait till we're married. 339 00:12:45,006 --> 00:12:48,443 Aw, why must I be the perfect man?! 340 00:12:52,214 --> 00:12:53,281 Guess what I just overheard at the bar. 341 00:12:53,281 --> 00:12:54,616 [gasps] Someone's drink order? 342 00:12:54,616 --> 00:12:55,951 No, the royal wedding tomorrow. 343 00:12:55,951 --> 00:12:58,453 It's between the princess and Lord Rip Digman. 344 00:12:58,453 --> 00:13:00,956 But the only dating Rip is interested in is carbon dating. 345 00:13:00,956 --> 00:13:03,225 I'm sure it's just a ruse to get to the Grail. 346 00:13:03,225 --> 00:13:05,193 But let's not worry about that now. Cheers. 347 00:13:05,193 --> 00:13:06,828 You know, Zane, maybe I've got you wrong. 348 00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:08,330 It's just that I've seen you act like-- 349 00:13:08,330 --> 00:13:09,364 pardon my French-- 350 00:13:09,364 --> 00:13:11,266 [French accent]: kind of a dick. 351 00:13:11,266 --> 00:13:13,768 [French accent]: Your French is pardoned. 352 00:13:13,768 --> 00:13:15,904 -[gasping] -Attention, fellow Puffs. 353 00:13:15,904 --> 00:13:17,772 Whosoever in here knows the identity of 354 00:13:17,772 --> 00:13:20,275 the wicked rogue who robbed me of my coins 355 00:13:20,275 --> 00:13:23,011 shall receive a tidy reward. 356 00:13:23,011 --> 00:13:24,579 [groans] These pricks again? 357 00:13:24,579 --> 00:13:26,581 I believe I can help you with that. She's the thief. 358 00:13:26,581 --> 00:13:29,084 I saw her knock you out and steal all your gold. 359 00:13:29,084 --> 00:13:30,318 Check her belongings. 360 00:13:30,318 --> 00:13:31,219 -Zane! -[grunts] 361 00:13:31,219 --> 00:13:33,855 -No! -Arrest her. 362 00:13:33,855 --> 00:13:35,490 Hey! 363 00:13:35,490 --> 00:13:36,658 But I, but I... 364 00:13:36,658 --> 00:13:39,027 And now you dare call me "butt eye"? 365 00:13:39,027 --> 00:13:41,997 -Throw her in the dungeon. -VENDOR: Oh! 366 00:13:41,997 --> 00:13:43,531 Thank you, good citizen. 367 00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:45,467 You know, we could use more honorable men like you 368 00:13:45,467 --> 00:13:47,435 to serve as guards at the royal wedding tomorrow. 369 00:13:47,435 --> 00:13:49,838 -Interested? -Oh, very much so. 370 00:13:49,838 --> 00:13:51,106 Zane, how could you? 371 00:13:51,106 --> 00:13:52,407 I thought you were misunderstood, 372 00:13:52,407 --> 00:13:55,110 but I was wrong. You were stood. Hmm. 373 00:13:58,280 --> 00:13:59,915 I've never been this happy. 374 00:13:59,915 --> 00:14:02,017 Oh, Rip, promise you'll never leave me. 375 00:14:02,017 --> 00:14:03,451 Uh, of course I won't. 376 00:14:03,451 --> 00:14:04,953 That's good, because if you do, 377 00:14:04,953 --> 00:14:06,721 I'll be sent to the Misery Zone. 378 00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:07,989 What's that now? 379 00:14:07,989 --> 00:14:09,391 That's the law of Puffland, silly. 380 00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:10,825 Any woman whose husband leaves her 381 00:14:10,825 --> 00:14:12,260 is banished to the Misery Zone, 382 00:14:12,260 --> 00:14:14,195 where she will endure a lifetime of torment. 383 00:14:14,195 --> 00:14:15,964 -Oh, fuck me. -I will! 384 00:14:15,964 --> 00:14:17,565 Tomorrow, after the wedding. 385 00:14:20,252 --> 00:14:21,854 Stupid Grail, making me compromise my many morals. 386 00:14:21,854 --> 00:14:23,055 Fleety, get back here! 387 00:14:23,055 --> 00:14:25,124 Stupid Zane, tricking me into thinking 388 00:14:25,124 --> 00:14:26,992 he's a good guy. [gasps] Fleety? 389 00:14:26,992 --> 00:14:30,096 -Saltine? -Rip? -And me. 390 00:14:31,297 --> 00:14:35,101 -Sorry, who are you? -I'm Snerdley Toothbottom. 391 00:14:35,101 --> 00:14:37,169 -Oh. -So, what's the move? 392 00:14:37,169 --> 00:14:40,106 -What are we thinking? -Um, we don't know you. 393 00:14:40,106 --> 00:14:42,475 Fine. I'll just roll away. 394 00:14:42,475 --> 00:14:44,310 Come here, yummy feet. 395 00:14:45,611 --> 00:14:48,114 So, you need to figure out how to get out of the marriage 396 00:14:48,114 --> 00:14:50,082 without endangering Gasolina but also get the Grail? 397 00:14:50,082 --> 00:14:51,884 Yeah, but it seems hopeless. 398 00:14:51,884 --> 00:14:53,853 Not so fast. There's always hope 399 00:14:53,853 --> 00:14:55,121 when there's a library. 400 00:14:55,121 --> 00:14:57,490 Well, I agree with that! 401 00:14:57,490 --> 00:14:59,158 It's so unfair. 402 00:14:59,158 --> 00:15:01,127 For years, I've pined after Gasolina, 403 00:15:01,127 --> 00:15:03,562 but the king has rebuffed my every advance 404 00:15:03,562 --> 00:15:07,166 because I'm not royalty and because I'm completely sleazy. 405 00:15:07,166 --> 00:15:09,969 And now this Rip Digman shows up out of nowhere 406 00:15:09,969 --> 00:15:12,071 and he's fit to wed the princess? 407 00:15:12,071 --> 00:15:13,806 There's no way he'll lock her in 408 00:15:13,806 --> 00:15:16,409 as nice a chamber as I would. 409 00:15:16,409 --> 00:15:18,511 Pardon me, sir, but one thing I've learned is that 410 00:15:18,511 --> 00:15:20,613 if there's something you want in this world, 411 00:15:20,613 --> 00:15:23,616 you have to fight for it, perhaps even kill for it. 412 00:15:23,616 --> 00:15:26,385 I knew I liked you, and not just because of 413 00:15:26,385 --> 00:15:28,154 your taut, shapely earlobes. 414 00:15:28,154 --> 00:15:31,090 Yes. Perhaps it's time the king learns 415 00:15:31,090 --> 00:15:33,993 what I'm truly capable of. 416 00:15:33,993 --> 00:15:36,228 [giggling] 417 00:15:37,530 --> 00:15:39,198 -Whoa! -Where can I find books about 418 00:15:39,198 --> 00:15:40,266 the history and laws of Puffland? 419 00:15:40,266 --> 00:15:42,835 My dear, you're looking at it. 420 00:15:42,835 --> 00:15:43,869 SALTINE: Wow. 421 00:15:43,869 --> 00:15:45,771 Looks like I need to put on 422 00:15:45,771 --> 00:15:47,873 my library visor. 423 00:15:47,873 --> 00:15:49,742 ♪ ♪ 424 00:15:49,742 --> 00:15:51,911 According to The Altostratusilmarillion, 425 00:15:51,911 --> 00:15:54,413 Rain Graysky usurped the throne from Altitudinus Cloud 426 00:15:54,413 --> 00:15:56,649 When Winona Non Strata joined Seamus O'Zone's clan. 427 00:15:56,649 --> 00:15:57,983 Whee! 428 00:15:57,983 --> 00:15:59,852 -So there are ten kingdoms? -Exactly. 429 00:15:59,852 --> 00:16:02,655 But inside the tenth kingdom is an 11th kingdom. 430 00:16:02,655 --> 00:16:04,490 And Lord Breezy was known across the land 431 00:16:04,490 --> 00:16:06,225 for his wonderful playing of the Puffle flute... 432 00:16:06,225 --> 00:16:07,960 The fog fee occurs every nine clouds 433 00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:10,429 unless the ninth cloud appears in the shape of a bigger cloud. 434 00:16:10,429 --> 00:16:12,898 So, when every last Pufff was slain, 435 00:16:12,898 --> 00:16:14,333 the Puffs took over the land. 436 00:16:14,333 --> 00:16:16,068 But I thought the Puffs were all killed. 437 00:16:16,068 --> 00:16:19,104 No, the Puffs with three Fs were killed. 438 00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:21,373 The Puffs with two Fs still reign supreme. 439 00:16:21,373 --> 00:16:23,275 Now, as for the Puffffs... 440 00:16:23,275 --> 00:16:25,344 [groans] This is so much to take in. 441 00:16:25,344 --> 00:16:26,879 You should see the main library. 442 00:16:26,879 --> 00:16:29,348 -This isn't the main library? -Oh, no, no, no, no. 443 00:16:29,348 --> 00:16:31,550 This library only covers the last five years 444 00:16:31,550 --> 00:16:32,551 of Puffland history. 445 00:16:32,551 --> 00:16:33,686 Or no, not years. 446 00:16:33,686 --> 00:16:35,020 What do you call them? Months. 447 00:16:35,020 --> 00:16:36,522 Ugh, that is what I call them. 448 00:16:36,522 --> 00:16:38,224 Yeah, even I get confused at times, 449 00:16:38,224 --> 00:16:39,892 and I know more than anyone. 450 00:16:39,892 --> 00:16:41,327 Well, let's keep going. 451 00:16:41,327 --> 00:16:43,028 So, the Mistborn clan-- or as they're known 452 00:16:43,028 --> 00:16:45,297 in the West on even-numbered days... 453 00:16:45,297 --> 00:16:46,732 -That's it! -[screams] 454 00:16:46,732 --> 00:16:49,301 In keeping with Puffland tradition, 455 00:16:49,301 --> 00:16:50,836 let's cut to the chase. 456 00:16:50,836 --> 00:16:52,538 Do you, Gasolina, take Lord Rip Digman of Cumulus 457 00:16:52,538 --> 00:16:54,507 -to be your husband? -I do. Ooh! 458 00:16:54,507 --> 00:16:57,376 And do you take Princess Gasolina to be your wife? 459 00:16:57,376 --> 00:17:00,145 Oh, what an interesting question. 460 00:17:00,145 --> 00:17:02,081 -Stop the wedding! -[gasping] 461 00:17:02,081 --> 00:17:03,582 What is the meaning of this? 462 00:17:03,582 --> 00:17:05,751 You two can't be married because Rip is a lord of Cumulus 463 00:17:05,751 --> 00:17:07,119 and, as such, cannot be wed 464 00:17:07,119 --> 00:17:08,554 to a Puffland princess until he's kept the Grail 465 00:17:08,554 --> 00:17:10,055 in his grasp for three storm cycles. 466 00:17:10,055 --> 00:17:11,657 So you must give him the Grail, 467 00:17:11,657 --> 00:17:13,893 and Gasolina has to be named Queen Ruler in his leave. 468 00:17:13,893 --> 00:17:15,794 -Says who? -The Book of Nimbulomos. 469 00:17:15,794 --> 00:17:17,096 It's because Gasolina was born 470 00:17:17,096 --> 00:17:18,631 under the cloud sign of Condensation 471 00:17:18,631 --> 00:17:20,799 -during the ninth vapor moon. -By the Puffs above! 472 00:17:20,799 --> 00:17:22,001 Great work, Saltine. 473 00:17:22,001 --> 00:17:23,402 How'd you learn all this so fast? 474 00:17:23,402 --> 00:17:25,504 I didn't. Their history is so convoluted, 475 00:17:25,504 --> 00:17:27,072 I realized nobody would know the difference 476 00:17:27,072 --> 00:17:28,240 if I just made up a bunch of bullshit. 477 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:30,376 -That's so smart. -Very well. 478 00:17:30,376 --> 00:17:31,677 I've always considered myself a textualist, 479 00:17:31,677 --> 00:17:33,245 so I will obey the letter of the law. 480 00:17:33,245 --> 00:17:35,614 Lord Digman, you may take the Grail, 481 00:17:35,614 --> 00:17:37,983 and I shall give my crown to my daughter. 482 00:17:37,983 --> 00:17:40,386 I hope it's not too late to object. 483 00:17:40,386 --> 00:17:41,520 -[guests gasping] -It actually is. 484 00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:42,955 Stop right there. [screams] 485 00:17:42,955 --> 00:17:44,223 [guests gasping] 486 00:17:44,223 --> 00:17:46,458 No one is going anywhere 487 00:17:46,458 --> 00:17:49,328 until the princess marries me! 488 00:17:49,328 --> 00:17:51,130 What do you say, Princess? 489 00:17:51,130 --> 00:17:53,465 Excited for me to be your prince? 490 00:17:53,465 --> 00:17:55,568 Actually, she's queen now, so you'll be king. 491 00:17:55,568 --> 00:17:57,202 -Even better. -I'm so glad 492 00:17:57,202 --> 00:17:59,238 I don't have to deal with this shit anymore. 493 00:18:01,999 --> 00:18:03,401 -Rip, do something. -Well, this is a pickle, 494 00:18:03,401 --> 00:18:04,902 to be sure. And I would love to help out, 495 00:18:04,902 --> 00:18:06,404 but I have lower back issues, 496 00:18:06,404 --> 00:18:08,806 so I'm just gonna snag this Grail and head out. 497 00:18:08,806 --> 00:18:11,042 Me thinks not. [grunts] 498 00:18:11,042 --> 00:18:12,743 Oh, no! Damn it! Not the Grail! 499 00:18:12,743 --> 00:18:15,946 Wait. You're more upset about the Grail than me? 500 00:18:15,946 --> 00:18:17,982 Did you never really love me? 501 00:18:17,982 --> 00:18:20,084 Alas, 'tis true, sweet Gasolina. 502 00:18:20,084 --> 00:18:21,285 I never caught feelings. 503 00:18:21,285 --> 00:18:23,087 So the man I love doesn't love me, 504 00:18:23,087 --> 00:18:24,922 and a man I hate is forcing me to marry him? 505 00:18:24,922 --> 00:18:27,224 This feels like the perfect plot for a TV show, 506 00:18:27,224 --> 00:18:29,193 but sadly, it is just my life. 507 00:18:29,193 --> 00:18:30,961 But it need not be. 508 00:18:30,961 --> 00:18:33,197 You tall twit. What is this? 509 00:18:33,197 --> 00:18:34,832 A surprise twist. 510 00:18:34,832 --> 00:18:36,067 [groaning] 511 00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:37,368 -[others gasp] -Puffs alive! 512 00:18:37,368 --> 00:18:39,103 Your Majesty, I've been undercover, 513 00:18:39,103 --> 00:18:41,172 trying to foil Sludgely's vile plan. 514 00:18:41,172 --> 00:18:44,041 Not because I want the Grail like this Rip jerk over there, 515 00:18:44,041 --> 00:18:45,176 but because I love you, my queen. 516 00:18:45,176 --> 00:18:46,444 Though I know we cannot marry 517 00:18:46,444 --> 00:18:47,778 because I lack the nobility. 518 00:18:47,778 --> 00:18:49,146 No, no, no, I'm the queen. 519 00:18:49,146 --> 00:18:51,549 I can choose who I marry, and I choose you. 520 00:18:51,549 --> 00:18:53,651 And you can keep that Grail, too, you big old hunk. 521 00:18:53,651 --> 00:18:56,387 -What? No! -Three steps ahead. 522 00:18:56,387 --> 00:18:57,922 Continuing our around-the-clock coverage, 523 00:18:57,922 --> 00:18:59,857 Zane Troy has found the Holy Grail 524 00:18:59,857 --> 00:19:01,492 and a brand-new bride. 525 00:19:01,492 --> 00:19:03,694 He's married Queen Gasolina of the Puff People, 526 00:19:03,694 --> 00:19:05,496 which, yes, sounds weird to us, too. 527 00:19:05,496 --> 00:19:07,131 Sorry we brought Zane to Puffland, Rip. 528 00:19:07,131 --> 00:19:08,699 I guess he wouldn't have snatched the Grail 529 00:19:08,699 --> 00:19:10,768 -if it weren't for us. -Go ahead and clock me, boss. 530 00:19:10,768 --> 00:19:12,536 I deserve it. Just fucking clock me. 531 00:19:12,536 --> 00:19:14,438 No, you guys only brought Zane 532 00:19:14,438 --> 00:19:16,073 because I ran off, and you were worried. 533 00:19:16,073 --> 00:19:17,541 I have but myself to blame. 534 00:19:17,541 --> 00:19:18,909 Yeah, why didn't you include us? 535 00:19:18,909 --> 00:19:21,545 TBH, I was afraid you'd think ill of me 536 00:19:21,545 --> 00:19:23,547 if you knew I truly wanted the Grail. 537 00:19:23,547 --> 00:19:25,916 Rip, you're a friend. There's nothing you can say 538 00:19:25,916 --> 00:19:27,485 that would make us think any less of you. 539 00:19:27,485 --> 00:19:29,086 Yeah, we're here for you. 540 00:19:29,086 --> 00:19:32,223 -Exactly. -Oh, well, in that case. 541 00:19:33,824 --> 00:19:35,359 Follow me. 542 00:19:35,359 --> 00:19:38,829 Your secret chamber is actually a secret chamber? 543 00:19:41,866 --> 00:19:44,668 And now it's time I tell you all the truth. 544 00:19:45,803 --> 00:19:47,304 -BOTH: Oh, my God! -Good gravy! 545 00:19:47,304 --> 00:19:50,274 I've been keeping Bella's frozen corpse 546 00:19:50,274 --> 00:19:52,877 down here in my secret chamber. Whew. 547 00:19:52,877 --> 00:19:55,713 Wow. I'm glad that's out in the open now. 548 00:19:55,713 --> 00:19:57,515 Anyway, uh, what should we get for lunch? 549 00:19:57,515 --> 00:19:58,749 I'm thinking family-style chili. 550 00:19:58,749 --> 00:20:00,451 Hey, w-what are you guys looking at? 551 00:20:00,451 --> 00:20:02,386 Oh, my goggles, that's why you want the Grail, 552 00:20:02,386 --> 00:20:03,787 to bring Bella back to life, 553 00:20:03,787 --> 00:20:05,756 even though that would break the arky code. 554 00:20:05,756 --> 00:20:07,958 You lied to me. Zane was right. 555 00:20:07,958 --> 00:20:10,227 You are as deceptive as an Eastern gray squirrel. 556 00:20:10,227 --> 00:20:12,396 Let me guess, he pronounced it "square-l"? 557 00:20:12,396 --> 00:20:14,098 The guy's a freakazoid. 558 00:20:14,098 --> 00:20:15,799 I'm sorry, Rip, but I quit. 559 00:20:15,799 --> 00:20:18,402 -Goodbye forever. -Saltine, please, no! 560 00:20:18,402 --> 00:20:20,804 Wait. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out! 561 00:20:20,804 --> 00:20:22,339 -[door closes] -SALTINE: Ow! My ass! 562 00:20:22,339 --> 00:20:23,507 Well, I tried to warn you! 563 00:20:23,507 --> 00:20:25,242 It's a very swingy door. 564 00:20:25,242 --> 00:20:26,610 But I will point out you did quit, 565 00:20:26,610 --> 00:20:27,912 so you're not eligible for workers' comp. 566 00:20:27,912 --> 00:20:29,079 You guys heard, right? 567 00:20:29,079 --> 00:20:31,515 [cries] This couldn't get any worse! 568 00:20:33,083 --> 00:20:35,753 ♪ ♪ 569 00:20:38,689 --> 00:20:41,759 -Looks like your plan worked. -Yes. 570 00:20:42,726 --> 00:20:45,529 Despite the best efforts of those foolish royals, 571 00:20:45,529 --> 00:20:48,465 we're finally free of that accursed Grail. 572 00:20:48,465 --> 00:20:50,267 What are you guys talking about? 573 00:20:50,267 --> 00:20:52,603 ALL: Nothing, Snerdley Toothbottom! 574 00:20:52,603 --> 00:20:54,638 [groans] 575 00:21:18,020 --> 00:21:19,154 Chirp.