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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[upbeat music plays]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[audience cheering]
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[announcer] Please welcome
Fortune Feimster!
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♪ I'm a powerful woman ♪
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♪ Always get what I want ♪
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♪ So don't you get in my way now
That's not what I want ♪
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♪ 'Cause I'm a powerful woman ♪
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♪ Always get what I want ♪
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♪ So don't you get in my way now
That's not what I want ♪
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♪ 'Cause I'm a powerful woman ♪
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♪ Always get what I want ♪
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♪ So don't you get in my way now
That's not what I want ♪
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♪ 'Cause I'm a powerful woman ♪
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♪ Always get what I ♪
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♪ Powerful woman, oh, yeah ♪
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[cheering]
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Oh man!
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Stop!
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[cheering continues]
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Stop!
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Chicago, what's going on?
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[cheering]
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Oh man!
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Thank you for being here at the beautiful
Chicago Shakespeare Theater.
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[cheering]
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A lot has transpired
in the last couple of years, right?
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The world has dealt with some crazy stuff.
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It felt like the end of times,
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and I thought lesbians
would be built for that, you know?
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[laughter]
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Put us in a bunker
with some canned hams, we're good.
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[laughter]
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But things went south,
and I learned a lot about myself.
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I found out I have zero survival skills.
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None.
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All I had to do was stay home.
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I got nothing accomplished.
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No sourdough was started in my house.
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I didn't learn
how to make cold brew. Nothing.
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It was my partner, Jax, who surprised me.
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She was the one
outside painting our fence,
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rewired our electricity,
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fixed our plumbing.
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I was the one on the couch every night,
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just watching documentaries
about old people in love.
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[sighs]
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Just crying in my Ugg boots.
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[laughter]
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I found out, y'all.
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I'm not butch.
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[laughter]
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Yeah.
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[cheering and applause]
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I am not butch, which is shocking, I know,
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'cause I have these broad shoulders
and my favorite color is plaid.
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[laughter]
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But this is a preview
to a whole different movie
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than what you think you're about to watch.
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As they say,
the carpet does not match the drapes.
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Two things that I do not know
how to install.
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[laughter]
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[cheering and applause]
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I look very handy, though. I do.
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I look handy.
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If you saw me
and your car was broken down,
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you might assume I could fix your car.
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I got that look about me,
'cause that is what a butch lady can do.
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She can literally
put your car on her back…
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[laughter]
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…and walk it to a service station.
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[laughter]
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She can actually
just spit in your gas tank…
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[imitates spitting]
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…and your car will start.
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[laughter]
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[sighs]
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Magical. But that is not me.
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And men are the most mystified
by this information.
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They come up to me constantly
at, like, a Home Depot
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because they assume I work there.
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[laughter]
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They're like, "Uh, what's up, dude? Um…"
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"Where are the nails?"
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I'm like, "Ooh, I'm here
for a potted plant."
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[laughter]
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"I do know
they sell M&M's at the checkout."
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[laughter and applause]
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We got bored at one point,
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and we drove out to the desert
in California, out to Joshua Tree,
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and I noticed up ahead on the freeway,
there was this car broken down,
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and this guy whose car it was,
he was really tall.
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He was ripped, shirtless,
he had a man bun.
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Straight ladies,
are we still into man buns?
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[woman] No!
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Oh, hard no right there.
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Wow.
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This guy had on
black-and-white striped pants.
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Looked like a gorgeous prisoner
that had escaped.
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Now his car is broken down
on the side of the road.
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I'm driving past him,
I look over my shoulder, I realize
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it's Jason Momoa. Yeah.
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Oh, you like man buns now, don't you?
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Yeah.
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That's what I thought.
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[applause]
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It was Aquaman,
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miles from the ocean, just
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stranded in the desert
without his superpowers.
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Beautiful, shirtless.
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I kept driving.
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[laughter]
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We've been over this. I can't fix his car.
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I can't give him a BJ while he waits
for somebody else to fix his car.
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I got nothing for this man.
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[laughter]
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I did the next best thing.
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When I had to get gas,
I went to his Instagram page.
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"Let me just double-check
to see if it was him."
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To me, all dudes look alike.
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[laughter]
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Went on his page,
he had posted a picture of him
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in the black-and-white striped pants,
side of the road.
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I went, "Oh my God, that was Jason Momoa."
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And I gave his picture a like.
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[laughter and applause]
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I did my part.
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But I'm a lot different
than what meets the eye.
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I am a dainty lady.
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I am a delicate flower.
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I like a massage every now and then.
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This girl likes to be pampered, y'all.
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I got a butt massage
for the first time recently.
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Have y'all had one of those? Oh man!
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I'm not talking
about an elbow to the glute.
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I'm talking full-on butt, booty massage.
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I mean, I was
at this very respectable spa,
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on my stomach, and this guy
just started going in on my ass.
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[laughter]
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Making noises too.
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[exhaling loudly]
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I went… [gasps]
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[laughter]
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I clutched my invisible pearls.
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[laughter]
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I had never been touched
by a man like this before.
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[laughter]
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He just kept digging into my butt,
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and he unlocked some sort of treasure.
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[laughter]
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I had never felt
anything that good before.
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I went home that night light as a feather.
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A whole new woman.
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I cooked a three-course meal.
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I don't even know how to cook.
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[laughter]
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I called a few days later.
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I had to book another appointment.
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This guy was booked solid for a month.
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I was like, "Oh, this is, like, his thing.
He's the butt massage guy,
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and everybody knows about it."
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So I finally got back in there
a month later, same thing.
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Went in on my ass.
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[exhales loudly]
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This time for, like, 30 minutes.
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He spent more time on my butt than
I have ever spent taking care of my face.
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[laughter]
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He wouldn't touch anything else.
Like, my feet, "Ugh, gross! Ugh."
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Just all butt.
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Went home. Called a couple of days later
to make another appointment.
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[laughter]
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He had gotten fired.
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[laughter]
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Yeah, somebody ruined it for all of us.
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Freaking butt narc.
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[laughter]
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[groans]
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Turns out he unlocked too many treasures.
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[laughter]
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But the one person
I did not want to find out
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that I'm not as tough as I appear
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is my partner, Jax.
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I did not want her
to know this information,
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because before me,
she dated nothing but butch women,
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and I'm talking butch.
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I'm talking cops,
truckers, and bouncers. Oh my!
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[laughter]
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Butch.
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I'm a whole different vibe.
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I'm like, "Who wants a hug?"
Like, so different.
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But we were going
to this fancy Hollywood event,
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and I was trying to play the part,
so I had on my Men's Wearhouse suit.
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[laughter]
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Jax had on her dress and heels, and we got
a phone call from the alarm company.
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They said our home alarm was going off,
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and did we want them
to send security out to check?
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I said, "Absolutely."
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We turn back around.
We get home, and nobody's there yet.
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Jax shifts. She goes, "Well,
we got to go in and assess the situation."
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I'm like, "No, we don't."
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[laughter]
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She said, "Well,
my ex, Darlene, who was a cop,
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said that home alarms
are the lowest of the priority."
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I was like, "Wait."
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"I thought that ex's name was Pam."
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She's like, "There is a Darlene and a Pam.
Maybe you're thinking about Sheila."
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I'm like, "How many cops?"
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[laughter]
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[groans]
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She dated, like,
the whole lady force of Chicago.
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[laughter]
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She said, "You're really not gonna
go inside and check the house?"
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I said, "No!" So she grabbed
the high heel off of her foot like this
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and held it up like a weapon,
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and she charged in there
with one shoe off.
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[laughter]
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Just going room to room,
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like she was gonna Jimmy Choo
someone's face if they jumped out.
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I stayed in the doorway
'cause I had on flats.
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[laughter]
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I'm like, "How am I gonna protect myself?
I don't have a kitten heel on, nothing."
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[laughter]
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I heard a noise at one point,
so I held the key fob up higher.
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[laughter]
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I was like, "I will press this button,
I swear to God."
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"It says 'Panic,' and I'm panicked."
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[laughter]
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The alarm company called,
they said it was a false alarm.
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A battery had died in one of the sensors.
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They said, "We are so sorry."
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"We hope we did not
cause you any inconvenience."
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I said, "My partner now knows
I am useless. This is very inconvenient."
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[laughter]
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Jax came hobbling out.
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She said, "You could have
at least gone in there with me."
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I was like, "Oh my God,
that did not even occur to me."
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[laughter]
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So I am not the protector of my family.
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And I know why Jax is so strong. I do.
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She is a kindergarten teacher,
and they are tough.
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-They have to be.
-[cheering]
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Yeah. That's a hard job.
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[applause]
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But I think about
when I was in kindergarten in the '80s,
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and, oh boy,
they just let you do whatever.
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I have a picture of me
at five years old in kindergarten class,
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and I am holding
249
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a hammer…
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00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:32,566
[laughter]
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…and nails.
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I mean, first off, somebody
should have taught me how to use 'em.
253
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:37,905
[laughter]
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But I'm like, "Why am I holding
a hammer and nails?"
255
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Were we practicing hammering?
256
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Was the teacher like, "All right, class,
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00:11:45,246 --> 00:11:47,289
we're gonna build shelves
for the classroom,
258
00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:50,918
and then afterwards,
maybe a nice bench for my garage"?
259
00:11:51,001 --> 00:11:52,086
That's bonkers.
260
00:11:52,169 --> 00:11:54,714
Imagine your five-year-old right now.
261
00:11:54,797 --> 00:11:58,384
They cannot color
inside of a giant circle,
262
00:11:58,467 --> 00:12:02,012
but you're gonna hand them
a large, heavy hammer
263
00:12:02,096 --> 00:12:05,808
and hope that they can hit
this itty-bitty, tiny nail.
264
00:12:05,891 --> 00:12:06,934
No!
265
00:12:07,017 --> 00:12:10,563
But that's the kind of stuff
that they would do in the '80s.
266
00:12:10,646 --> 00:12:14,191
I mean, recess alone was like, "Godspeed."
267
00:12:15,234 --> 00:12:18,195
You were on your own.
I mean, think about it.
268
00:12:18,696 --> 00:12:20,865
Our favorite game, dodgeball.
269
00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:23,659
You were taking a large, heavy ball
270
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:28,247
and you were pummeling each other
in the face as hard as you can.
271
00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:30,332
That's where we had to learn to Matrix.
272
00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:32,418
[laughter]
273
00:12:33,377 --> 00:12:35,880
To keep from getting our teeth knocked in.
274
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:40,009
That game did come in handy for me
a little bit later on in high school.
275
00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:42,678
I dodged a couple of balls. Not many.
276
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,764
-Um…
-[laughter]
277
00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:47,266
Never caught one.
278
00:12:48,350 --> 00:12:51,145
It was actually Red Rover
that would get the most intense.
279
00:12:51,228 --> 00:12:53,272
You guys remember Red Rover?
280
00:12:53,355 --> 00:12:55,816
[cheering]
281
00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:59,278
You get in a line with your friends
and you lock arms.
282
00:13:00,112 --> 00:13:03,991
Your other friends would get in a line
across from you and they'd lock arms.
283
00:13:04,074 --> 00:13:08,579
And then you yell, "Hold the line!"
284
00:13:09,079 --> 00:13:12,458
"Hold the line!"
285
00:13:12,541 --> 00:13:14,084
Like we're Braveheart.
286
00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:16,420
[laughter]
287
00:13:16,504 --> 00:13:19,632
You're staring your friends down
from across the field.
288
00:13:19,715 --> 00:13:24,220
Your only objective is to run as hard
as you can right towards that line,
289
00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:28,098
and they just wanna break your arm.
290
00:13:28,182 --> 00:13:29,475
[laughter]
291
00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:31,811
Then all you wanna do
is when they're running towards you,
292
00:13:31,894 --> 00:13:35,022
you wanna grab your neighbor's arm,
you wanna pull your arms up,
293
00:13:35,105 --> 00:13:38,317
and then you just wanna
crush their clavicle.
294
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:39,693
[laughter]
295
00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:41,695
And then you start taunting each other.
296
00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:44,990
You go, "Red Rover, Red Rover,
297
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:48,202
you send that little bitch Timmy…"
298
00:13:48,285 --> 00:13:49,745
[laughter]
299
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:51,080
"…right on over."
300
00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:52,665
[cheering and applause]
301
00:13:56,544 --> 00:14:00,256
Timmy gets that look in his eye.
He starts running as hard as he can.
302
00:14:01,882 --> 00:14:06,345
We're like, "Hold the line!"
303
00:14:06,428 --> 00:14:07,596
Here he comes.
304
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,056
We grab each other's arm.
305
00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:10,266
We pull our line up.
306
00:14:10,349 --> 00:14:12,268
Now Timmy's crashed through our line.
307
00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:14,478
Now our arm's dangling from the socket.
308
00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:16,397
[laughter]
309
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:17,731
We're like, "Did we win?"
310
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:20,609
"Did we hold the line?"
311
00:14:21,151 --> 00:14:22,987
Your teacher's not doing anything.
312
00:14:23,070 --> 00:14:26,740
She's over there on the blacktop,
just smoking a Virginia Slim.
313
00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:28,826
[laughter]
314
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:34,373
Having some sort of midlife crisis.
315
00:14:34,456 --> 00:14:35,666
[laughter]
316
00:14:35,749 --> 00:14:38,794
She's like, "They don't pay me enough
to care about that."
317
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,504
[laughter]
318
00:14:42,423 --> 00:14:44,341
The PE equipment was insane.
319
00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:45,634
We had merry-go-rounds.
320
00:14:46,343 --> 00:14:48,387
They're metal death traps.
321
00:14:49,054 --> 00:14:53,475
They were only fun
if you would spin 'em 60 miles an hour,
322
00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:56,812
and then we would try to run
and jump on 'em while they're moving.
323
00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,147
[laughter]
324
00:14:58,230 --> 00:15:01,734
It's like trying to jump
on the hood of a moving vehicle.
325
00:15:01,817 --> 00:15:03,319
But there was nowhere to land.
326
00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:06,238
There was already 20 friends
in a nook just going around.
327
00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:08,324
[laughter]
328
00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:13,579
Couldn't touch anything
'cause it's 135 degrees in the sun.
329
00:15:14,663 --> 00:15:17,541
Inevitably one friend
would fall off and get trapped.
330
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,543
"Agh!"
331
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:23,422
Bleeding from the kneecap now, we're
trying to get our teacher's attention.
332
00:15:23,505 --> 00:15:25,299
She's like, "20 more minutes!"
333
00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:27,176
[laughter]
334
00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:28,928
"This is me time."
335
00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:31,013
[laughter]
336
00:15:33,891 --> 00:15:37,603
And because I'm from North Carolina,
we used to play with tires.
337
00:15:37,686 --> 00:15:41,690
Yeah, I'm talking about tires
that fell off of a Mack truck,
338
00:15:42,232 --> 00:15:45,027
rolled into the elementary school
parking lot.
339
00:15:45,736 --> 00:15:49,949
Our administrators are like,
"Well, we don't got much of a budget,
340
00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:52,952
so we'll figure out something to do
with these old things."
341
00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:54,787
These were large tires.
342
00:15:55,537 --> 00:15:57,831
You stand them up, they're this tall,
343
00:15:57,915 --> 00:16:00,292
like 75 pounds, hollow in the middle.
344
00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:04,588
We had a hill
in the back of our elementary school,
345
00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:10,135
so it was our teachers
who had to push these tires up that hill,
346
00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:13,305
[grunts] Just so angry,
just pushing them up there.
347
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:15,849
They're like,
"I have a master's in education."
348
00:16:15,933 --> 00:16:17,935
[laughter]
349
00:16:19,353 --> 00:16:23,023
We ran up there, we took our little
five-year-old bodies, and we would…
350
00:16:26,318 --> 00:16:29,363
We got into the middle of these tires.
351
00:16:29,446 --> 00:16:31,782
Our friend would take
their five-year-old body,
352
00:16:32,741 --> 00:16:33,826
get in the other one.
353
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:39,832
Then it was our teachers
who would get behind each tire,
354
00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:42,668
and get momentum.
355
00:16:45,170 --> 00:16:47,131
[laughter]
356
00:16:47,631 --> 00:16:49,299
"All right, you little fuckers."
357
00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:51,468
[laughter]
358
00:16:51,552 --> 00:16:55,139
"Get ready for the ride of your life."
359
00:16:55,764 --> 00:16:59,435
And then they pushed us down a hill.
360
00:16:59,518 --> 00:17:03,564
We got speeds of, like, 20 miles an hour,
40 miles an hour, 60 miles an hour.
361
00:17:03,647 --> 00:17:05,107
There's no handle. You're just like…
362
00:17:05,190 --> 00:17:09,319
[yells]
363
00:17:09,403 --> 00:17:13,490
We crashed into a brick wall,
flew out of the tire, vomited.
364
00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:14,616
[laughter]
365
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:18,787
Your teacher came down the hill,
put her cigarette out on your forehead.
366
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:23,459
She'd be like, "Recess is dismissed.
In fact, school's dismissed."
367
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:27,880
"I got to go meet my man friend
who I connected with via the newspaper."
368
00:17:27,963 --> 00:17:29,465
[laughter]
369
00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:33,052
And that was recess in the '80s.
370
00:17:33,135 --> 00:17:35,137
[cheering and applause]
371
00:17:38,265 --> 00:17:40,100
It was a different time, y'all.
372
00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:42,728
It was when you could take
a large calculator
373
00:17:42,811 --> 00:17:44,980
and write the word
374
00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:47,107
"boobs."
375
00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:48,692
Ah.
376
00:17:50,235 --> 00:17:52,404
My favorite number,
377
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,949
80085.
378
00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:57,034
[cheering]
379
00:17:57,117 --> 00:17:58,452
[Fortune chuckles]
380
00:17:58,535 --> 00:18:01,872
I mean, yeah,
kids can get their phone out right now
381
00:18:01,955 --> 00:18:04,500
and see as many boobs as they want,
382
00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:08,128
but who got to write it out in numbers?
383
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:09,171
We did.
384
00:18:09,254 --> 00:18:10,631
[cheering and applause]
385
00:18:14,635 --> 00:18:15,928
Good times, y'all.
386
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:18,222
But I'm glad to be in a relationship.
387
00:18:18,305 --> 00:18:20,182
I like it. It suits me.
388
00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:23,018
Dating is hard. It's really hard.
I don't know.
389
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:26,021
You got to go on apps and swipe
and do the things.
390
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:30,109
Like, if I were single,
my favorite dating app would be Grubhub.
391
00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:32,152
[laughter]
392
00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:33,529
For sure.
393
00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:37,491
I think swingers
have it figured out. I do.
394
00:18:37,574 --> 00:18:40,577
It had to be tough for them
dating in the pandemic,
395
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:43,956
uh, but they have ways to let each other
know that they are swingers.
396
00:18:44,039 --> 00:18:45,249
Did you guys know this?
397
00:18:45,749 --> 00:18:47,334
I'm gonna teach you. All right.
398
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:52,756
I found out that if you want to let
people know that you are a swinger,
399
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:55,884
you can put flamingos in your front yard.
400
00:18:56,385 --> 00:19:00,889
Yeah. It gets very confusing in Florida
and at my mom's house.
401
00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:03,267
[laughter]
402
00:19:03,350 --> 00:19:06,687
Maybe that's why she's been busy
on the weekends. I don't know.
403
00:19:06,770 --> 00:19:08,438
[laughter]
404
00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:10,023
I don't quite understand it.
405
00:19:10,107 --> 00:19:12,067
Do people just drive
around the neighborhoods
406
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,278
looking for a flock of flamingos?
407
00:19:14,361 --> 00:19:17,614
They see it, they ring your doorbell
and tell you they're down to clown.
408
00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:18,574
I don't know.
409
00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:20,117
But I like it.
410
00:19:21,076 --> 00:19:23,996
There's also, uh,
an upside-down pineapple.
411
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:27,958
You can put an upside-down pineapple
on your front porch.
412
00:19:28,041 --> 00:19:29,418
Don't put it right side up.
413
00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:31,086
That is just a pineapple.
414
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:33,172
[laughter]
415
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,924
I always assumed
that an upside-down pineapple
416
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:38,260
was letting people know
that you like cake.
417
00:19:38,343 --> 00:19:40,012
[laughter]
418
00:19:40,095 --> 00:19:43,307
I would stop
and ring a stranger's doorbell for cake.
419
00:19:43,390 --> 00:19:44,766
[laughter]
420
00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:48,979
But I actually got approached
by a swinger couple after a show.
421
00:19:49,062 --> 00:19:51,690
Uh, they came up to me.
Yeah, it was very exciting.
422
00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:56,737
And I am not an ageist,
I am just telling you a fact.
423
00:19:56,820 --> 00:19:58,655
This is just a fact of the story.
424
00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:00,532
They both had canes.
425
00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:02,784
[laughter]
426
00:20:04,578 --> 00:20:06,788
So this was not their first rodeo.
427
00:20:06,872 --> 00:20:07,873
[laughter]
428
00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:11,627
And the wife informed me
that her husband really enjoyed the show,
429
00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:13,253
which I very much appreciated,
430
00:20:13,795 --> 00:20:17,174
and she said that he had told her
by the end of the show
431
00:20:17,257 --> 00:20:20,427
that she was allowed to get with me.
432
00:20:20,510 --> 00:20:22,763
-[laughter]
-[snickers]
433
00:20:25,349 --> 00:20:26,808
Sexually? I don't know.
434
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:28,518
[laughter]
435
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,437
I didn't know what to say.
436
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,190
So I curtsied.
437
00:20:33,273 --> 00:20:34,399
[laughter]
438
00:20:34,483 --> 00:20:36,485
[cheering and applause]
439
00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:41,615
Which is not a no.
440
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:44,076
[laughter]
441
00:20:44,159 --> 00:20:45,661
But it is polite.
442
00:20:45,744 --> 00:20:47,996
[laughter]
443
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,832
But you got to put yourself out there,
date different people.
444
00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:54,127
I went out with different people.
I went out with a nurse at one point.
445
00:20:54,211 --> 00:20:57,756
And God bless nurses. They have
gotten us through this crazy time.
446
00:20:57,839 --> 00:20:59,675
-[cheering and applause]
-Yeah.
447
00:21:02,052 --> 00:21:03,345
I thought it would be different.
448
00:21:03,428 --> 00:21:07,099
I thought she'd come home
in a sexy nurse outfit
449
00:21:07,182 --> 00:21:08,767
and be like, "Who's got an owie?"
450
00:21:08,850 --> 00:21:10,310
And I'd be like, "Me."
451
00:21:10,394 --> 00:21:11,812
[laughter]
452
00:21:11,895 --> 00:21:15,899
But it didn't work like that.
She'd come home in her dirty-ass scrubs.
453
00:21:15,983 --> 00:21:17,567
She brought her work home with her.
454
00:21:17,651 --> 00:21:20,153
She was always following me around
with a clipboard,
455
00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:23,240
asking me about my bowel movements.
456
00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:28,078
She thought I should lose weight,
which, touché.
457
00:21:28,161 --> 00:21:29,413
[laughter]
458
00:21:29,496 --> 00:21:32,165
I'm just saying it wasn't fun
to eat nachos with her,
459
00:21:32,249 --> 00:21:35,836
'cause she'd look at me and then
look at the nachos and be like, "Okay."
460
00:21:35,919 --> 00:21:37,337
[laughter]
461
00:21:37,421 --> 00:21:40,966
"All right. Well, someone made a choice."
462
00:21:41,508 --> 00:21:42,551
"Mm-hm."
463
00:21:42,634 --> 00:21:46,722
"Three kinds of cheeses,
sour cream, and liquid cheese?"
464
00:21:46,805 --> 00:21:47,889
[laughter]
465
00:21:47,973 --> 00:21:49,975
I'm like, "It's called queso."
466
00:21:50,058 --> 00:21:51,059
[laughter]
467
00:21:51,143 --> 00:21:53,812
"And it's Spanish for heart disease."
468
00:21:53,895 --> 00:21:55,147
[laughter]
469
00:21:55,230 --> 00:21:56,690
"And it's delicious."
470
00:21:57,190 --> 00:21:59,568
I knew it wasn't gonna work out
right then and there.
471
00:21:59,651 --> 00:22:03,113
I was trying to find, like,
a legitimate excuse to break things off.
472
00:22:03,196 --> 00:22:05,824
She's doing the Lord's work,
and I didn't wanna just be like,
473
00:22:05,907 --> 00:22:09,453
"Hey, you bum me out when I eat nachos."
474
00:22:09,536 --> 00:22:11,747
[laughter]
475
00:22:14,666 --> 00:22:18,670
Then I eventually met Jax
right here in Chicago.
476
00:22:19,379 --> 00:22:21,381
[cheering and applause]
477
00:22:23,342 --> 00:22:25,052
At Gay Pride.
478
00:22:25,135 --> 00:22:26,178
Yeah.
479
00:22:26,261 --> 00:22:27,929
[cheering]
480
00:22:28,513 --> 00:22:29,389
There's hope.
481
00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:33,018
We met in a parking lot. [chuckles]
482
00:22:33,894 --> 00:22:35,187
We met in a parking lot.
483
00:22:35,270 --> 00:22:39,232
That's how few lesbian bars
are left in the United States.
484
00:22:39,316 --> 00:22:42,319
The lesbians are just
relegated to a parking lot
485
00:22:42,402 --> 00:22:44,738
where you can either party or valet cars.
486
00:22:44,821 --> 00:22:45,989
It's up to you.
487
00:22:46,073 --> 00:22:47,199
[laughter]
488
00:22:47,282 --> 00:22:52,204
But we dated for a bit, but I knew
pretty early on that, uh, Jax was the one.
489
00:22:52,287 --> 00:22:55,123
And it got to the point
where I knew it was time to propose,
490
00:22:55,207 --> 00:22:58,251
and I'm not known for romance,
so I called my friend.
491
00:22:58,335 --> 00:23:00,670
I said, "Where should I propose to Jax?"
492
00:23:00,754 --> 00:23:04,007
And she said,
"Oh, you got to go to Big Sur."
493
00:23:04,091 --> 00:23:06,468
And no, that was not
my nickname in high school.
494
00:23:06,551 --> 00:23:07,636
[laughter]
495
00:23:07,719 --> 00:23:10,597
It's a town in California
out by the coast,
496
00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:12,974
really beautiful bridges and cliffs.
497
00:23:13,058 --> 00:23:15,685
She said, "There's this hotel,
very romantic, call there."
498
00:23:15,769 --> 00:23:19,106
I called the hotel, and whoever was
on the phone was upselling everything.
499
00:23:19,189 --> 00:23:21,733
I just wanted a standard cabin.
She goes, "Whoa!"
500
00:23:21,817 --> 00:23:24,736
"You're gonna propose?
Don't you be cheap, okay?"
501
00:23:25,445 --> 00:23:26,488
"Don't be cheap."
502
00:23:26,571 --> 00:23:29,449
"You better upgrade to that ocean view,
I'm telling you."
503
00:23:29,533 --> 00:23:30,450
"It's worth it."
504
00:23:30,534 --> 00:23:32,494
"It's gonna knock her tits off."
505
00:23:32,577 --> 00:23:33,620
[laughter]
506
00:23:33,703 --> 00:23:35,497
I don't know if she actually said that,
507
00:23:35,580 --> 00:23:38,792
but that was the energy
she was bringing to the conversation.
508
00:23:39,543 --> 00:23:41,628
I'm like, "Fine."
I paid a bunch of extra money,
509
00:23:41,711 --> 00:23:45,006
got this ocean view that's supposed
to be great, and off we went.
510
00:23:45,090 --> 00:23:49,845
We get up there to this cabin, I walk in.
A very old cabin, very expensive cabin.
511
00:23:49,928 --> 00:23:53,265
I said, "But wait till you see this view."
512
00:23:53,348 --> 00:23:56,852
And I'm about to open that back door,
and I say to her,
513
00:23:56,935 --> 00:23:58,728
"Hold on to your titties."
514
00:23:58,812 --> 00:24:00,814
[laughter]
515
00:24:00,897 --> 00:24:03,817
And I open that back door,
we walk outside,
516
00:24:03,900 --> 00:24:05,318
and it is just fog,
517
00:24:05,402 --> 00:24:06,445
fog,
518
00:24:07,237 --> 00:24:08,113
fog.
519
00:24:08,196 --> 00:24:10,574
Just a hateful fog.
520
00:24:11,366 --> 00:24:16,121
I'm like, "What is this?
An 1800s lesbian period piece?"
521
00:24:17,414 --> 00:24:20,625
"Why is there so much fog?"
522
00:24:20,709 --> 00:24:24,379
"Is Kate Winslet down there
searching for fossils?"
523
00:24:24,463 --> 00:24:25,464
[laughter]
524
00:24:25,547 --> 00:24:26,673
[groans]
525
00:24:27,340 --> 00:24:30,218
Not how I wanted things to start,
but I was like, "It's fine."
526
00:24:30,302 --> 00:24:33,722
My plan was I was gonna take her
to their fancy restaurant for dinner,
527
00:24:33,805 --> 00:24:37,809
and then I would go back to the room,
and that is where I would propose.
528
00:24:37,893 --> 00:24:41,104
So I, uh…
I called ahead to the hotel and I say,
529
00:24:41,188 --> 00:24:45,692
"Can you guys help me make our room
look like it does in The Bachelor?"
530
00:24:45,775 --> 00:24:47,777
I don't know, ladies seem to like that.
531
00:24:48,987 --> 00:24:53,575
"Can we get some candles and rose petals,
uh, how about some champagne?"
532
00:24:53,658 --> 00:24:56,578
"How about some strawberries?
But let's dip them in chocolate."
533
00:24:56,661 --> 00:24:57,871
"Otherwise it's fruit."
534
00:24:58,371 --> 00:25:00,874
[laughter]
535
00:25:00,957 --> 00:25:03,293
They said absolutely,
charged me a bunch of money.
536
00:25:03,376 --> 00:25:05,504
Happy to pay, happy to have the help.
537
00:25:05,587 --> 00:25:09,508
So off we went. We go to dinner. I go
find the waiter 'cause I need his help.
538
00:25:09,591 --> 00:25:10,842
I tell him what's going on.
539
00:25:10,926 --> 00:25:14,262
So I walk up to him
and I see that his name is Craig.
540
00:25:14,346 --> 00:25:16,264
And Craig is very dramatic.
541
00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:18,600
I think that he does
local theater up there.
542
00:25:18,683 --> 00:25:20,227
[laughter]
543
00:25:20,310 --> 00:25:23,146
So I walk up to him.
I go, "Hi, Craig," and he goes,
544
00:25:23,939 --> 00:25:24,773
"Hi."
545
00:25:24,856 --> 00:25:26,858
[laughter]
546
00:25:27,901 --> 00:25:33,365
I said, "Craig, I am going to be proposing
to my girlfriend tonight," and he goes,
547
00:25:33,448 --> 00:25:38,662
"Oh… my… God!"
548
00:25:38,745 --> 00:25:39,955
[laughter]
549
00:25:40,038 --> 00:25:42,832
He reminded me of the candlestick
in Beauty and the Beast.
550
00:25:42,916 --> 00:25:45,377
Just a lot of, like,
551
00:25:45,919 --> 00:25:49,047
"You will propose,
and the curse will be broken!"
552
00:25:49,130 --> 00:25:50,090
[laughter]
553
00:25:51,091 --> 00:25:53,760
I was like, "Thank you.
I'm very excited, but I'm nervous."
554
00:25:53,843 --> 00:25:57,347
"I don't want dinner to drag on.
This ring is burning a hole in my pocket."
555
00:25:57,430 --> 00:25:59,224
"So they're doing stuff to our room."
556
00:25:59,307 --> 00:26:02,018
"Do you mind near the end of dinner,
calling the front desk,
557
00:26:02,102 --> 00:26:05,272
finding out if our room is ready,
then giving me some sort of signal,
558
00:26:05,355 --> 00:26:06,982
and that's when I'll know to wrap it up?"
559
00:26:07,065 --> 00:26:09,401
He goes, "Absolutely. You got it."
560
00:26:09,901 --> 00:26:10,902
[laughter]
561
00:26:10,986 --> 00:26:15,365
I said, "You don't need to offer dessert,
I'm taking care of that in the room."
562
00:26:15,448 --> 00:26:16,283
He goes, "Okay."
563
00:26:16,366 --> 00:26:18,368
And then he turns around like this…
564
00:26:18,451 --> 00:26:20,120
[laughter]
565
00:26:20,203 --> 00:26:21,246
…and leaves.
566
00:26:21,329 --> 00:26:22,831
[laughter]
567
00:26:24,583 --> 00:26:26,376
I'm like, "I like Craig."
568
00:26:28,211 --> 00:26:30,714
So we start eating this meal,
569
00:26:30,797 --> 00:26:35,468
and every course that comes out
just ends up being weirder than the next.
570
00:26:35,969 --> 00:26:38,513
It's too fancy for us. It's too fancy.
571
00:26:38,597 --> 00:26:41,933
It's a lot of foams
and tentacles and shells.
572
00:26:42,017 --> 00:26:45,854
A lot of stuff from that "ocean"
I keep hearing about.
573
00:26:45,937 --> 00:26:48,064
[laughter]
574
00:26:48,148 --> 00:26:52,027
So everything is just a hair off,
but we finally finish dinner,
575
00:26:52,110 --> 00:26:55,864
and, uh, I'm ready to get the night going,
576
00:26:55,947 --> 00:26:56,948
and Craig goes,
577
00:26:57,032 --> 00:27:00,577
"Hi, ladies. Who wants dessert?"
578
00:27:00,660 --> 00:27:01,995
I'm like, "Not us, Craig."
579
00:27:02,078 --> 00:27:02,912
He goes, "Oops!"
580
00:27:03,538 --> 00:27:05,540
[laughter]
581
00:27:09,461 --> 00:27:10,712
I was like, "Craig!"
582
00:27:11,588 --> 00:27:13,214
"You had two jobs, bud."
583
00:27:13,298 --> 00:27:14,257
[laughter]
584
00:27:14,341 --> 00:27:19,262
How could someone be so excited
and incompetent all in one body?
585
00:27:19,346 --> 00:27:20,764
[laughter]
586
00:27:20,847 --> 00:27:22,766
So now Jax is very confused,
587
00:27:22,849 --> 00:27:25,352
'cause she's never
not seen me order dessert.
588
00:27:25,852 --> 00:27:27,562
[laughter]
589
00:27:27,646 --> 00:27:30,231
And I'm staring at her
and I don't know what to say.
590
00:27:30,315 --> 00:27:33,568
I'm thinking about getting this right,
I want it to be perfect.
591
00:27:33,652 --> 00:27:36,905
It's the one story that everybody
asks you about. They want every detail.
592
00:27:37,489 --> 00:27:40,075
And Craig's not coming, he's not coming.
593
00:27:40,158 --> 00:27:42,410
It is the least romantic dinner
of our life.
594
00:27:42,994 --> 00:27:45,455
And then finally,
after what felt like a lifetime,
595
00:27:45,538 --> 00:27:48,458
Craig sneaks up behind Jax.
596
00:27:48,541 --> 00:27:50,543
[laughter]
597
00:27:51,378 --> 00:27:53,713
And he's now hovering over her shoulder.
598
00:27:53,797 --> 00:27:55,799
She has no idea that he is behind her,
599
00:27:56,716 --> 00:27:58,510
and he is just staring at me
600
00:27:59,427 --> 00:28:02,931
so… intensely.
601
00:28:03,014 --> 00:28:04,974
[laughter]
602
00:28:05,058 --> 00:28:07,268
I have been with Jax for seven years.
603
00:28:07,352 --> 00:28:10,188
We have never
looked at each other in the eye
604
00:28:10,730 --> 00:28:12,482
for as long as Craig
605
00:28:13,817 --> 00:28:14,776
is staring at me.
606
00:28:17,153 --> 00:28:17,987
[exhales]
607
00:28:21,825 --> 00:28:22,992
Then finally, he goes…
608
00:28:23,535 --> 00:28:24,494
"Mm!"
609
00:28:24,577 --> 00:28:26,162
[laughter]
610
00:28:26,246 --> 00:28:27,872
So proud of himself.
611
00:28:29,541 --> 00:28:30,583
Turns around.
612
00:28:32,252 --> 00:28:36,798
Into the fog, never to be seen of again.
613
00:28:36,881 --> 00:28:38,883
[cheering and applause]
614
00:28:42,721 --> 00:28:43,763
We're heading to the room.
615
00:28:43,847 --> 00:28:46,641
I'm trying to think of all the things
I want to say to Jax.
616
00:28:46,725 --> 00:28:49,644
I just want it to be perfect,
I want it to be romantic.
617
00:28:49,728 --> 00:28:52,230
We're getting up to the door,
I'm starting to sweat.
618
00:28:52,313 --> 00:28:53,815
I'm getting nervous,
619
00:28:53,898 --> 00:28:56,609
and when I get nervous,
I start doing finger guns.
620
00:28:56,693 --> 00:28:57,736
[laughter]
621
00:28:57,819 --> 00:29:00,071
So I look at Jax and start going…
622
00:29:01,030 --> 00:29:03,032
[laughter]
623
00:29:07,620 --> 00:29:11,499
And then I am ready
to open that door to romance.
624
00:29:12,333 --> 00:29:13,334
We walk in there,
625
00:29:13,418 --> 00:29:15,754
and it just looks like a crime scene.
626
00:29:15,837 --> 00:29:17,839
[laughter]
627
00:29:18,339 --> 00:29:21,426
Our eyes are adjusting
'cause it's weirdly lit.
628
00:29:22,177 --> 00:29:25,764
You know what a room looks like when
just the bathroom light's been left on?
629
00:29:26,890 --> 00:29:30,393
I'm looking around,
there's, like, 50 tea light candles,
630
00:29:30,477 --> 00:29:32,854
but they're all battery-operated.
631
00:29:33,521 --> 00:29:36,983
And half of them are just dead.
They're just dead.
632
00:29:37,066 --> 00:29:39,736
Ten are flickering, like, "We're trying!"
633
00:29:39,819 --> 00:29:40,862
[laughter]
634
00:29:40,945 --> 00:29:43,573
My OCD brain is like,
"Who made this call?"
635
00:29:43,656 --> 00:29:47,744
But I can't even focus on it because
I'm standing on a mound of something.
636
00:29:47,827 --> 00:29:50,205
There are rose petals everywhere.
637
00:29:50,955 --> 00:29:53,792
Everywhere!
Not in any way that makes sense.
638
00:29:53,875 --> 00:29:56,836
There's no heart shape or initials.
639
00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:58,755
It's just chaos.
640
00:29:59,255 --> 00:30:01,883
It looks like
someone opened that back door,
641
00:30:01,966 --> 00:30:04,010
a bunch of shit flew in the room,
642
00:30:04,719 --> 00:30:06,971
then they grabbed a leaf blower…
643
00:30:07,055 --> 00:30:10,558
[imitates leaf blower buzzing]
644
00:30:10,642 --> 00:30:12,268
…and called it a night.
645
00:30:13,019 --> 00:30:16,648
I'm like, "Did I order
the 'It'll Do' package?"
646
00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:17,941
[laughter]
647
00:30:18,024 --> 00:30:19,692
"What is this?"
648
00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:23,196
And when you guys
think of roses and romance,
649
00:30:23,279 --> 00:30:24,989
what color do you think of?
650
00:30:25,073 --> 00:30:25,907
[audience] Red!
651
00:30:25,990 --> 00:30:27,826
Red? Interesting.
652
00:30:27,909 --> 00:30:29,369
[laughter]
653
00:30:29,452 --> 00:30:31,663
Well, these were white rose petals,
654
00:30:32,330 --> 00:30:33,581
half-dead.
655
00:30:34,123 --> 00:30:38,294
I googled later,
"What do white roses stand for?"
656
00:30:38,378 --> 00:30:39,712
It's chastity.
657
00:30:40,380 --> 00:30:41,256
Yeah.
658
00:30:42,048 --> 00:30:46,386
This is, in fact,
an 1800s lesbian period piece.
659
00:30:46,469 --> 00:30:48,471
[laughter]
660
00:30:49,889 --> 00:30:54,269
So even though they did not apparently
allow real candles in this cabin,
661
00:30:54,352 --> 00:30:57,397
they did light a roaring fireplace,
662
00:30:57,480 --> 00:31:00,275
and that was exactly
where they decided to place
663
00:31:00,358 --> 00:31:02,861
the chocolate-covered strawberries
664
00:31:02,944 --> 00:31:05,238
and the bucket of ice with champagne.
665
00:31:05,321 --> 00:31:07,699
Both are just profusely dripping
666
00:31:07,782 --> 00:31:09,742
onto the floor.
667
00:31:10,326 --> 00:31:13,705
Nothing about this scenario
makes Jax think
668
00:31:13,788 --> 00:31:16,499
that she is about to get proposed to.
669
00:31:16,583 --> 00:31:17,667
[laughter]
670
00:31:18,209 --> 00:31:20,128
I have a split second to decide
671
00:31:20,211 --> 00:31:23,006
which direction I am going
with this night.
672
00:31:23,089 --> 00:31:24,799
Do I call the front desk and be like,
673
00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:27,969
"Somebody broke into our room
and destroyed it"?
674
00:31:28,052 --> 00:31:29,053
[laughter]
675
00:31:29,137 --> 00:31:30,471
Or do I lean into this
676
00:31:30,555 --> 00:31:35,268
and pretend that every single thing
that is happening in that room
677
00:31:36,060 --> 00:31:39,522
is exactly how I planned it?
678
00:31:41,107 --> 00:31:43,985
So now I'm staring at Jax
like a deer in headlights.
679
00:31:45,570 --> 00:31:48,907
I can't think of any of the romantic
things I was gonna say to her.
680
00:31:49,991 --> 00:31:51,200
I'm sweating again.
681
00:31:52,702 --> 00:31:54,037
I'm getting nervous.
682
00:31:54,537 --> 00:31:56,664
Oh man, here come the finger guns.
683
00:31:56,748 --> 00:31:58,750
[laughter]
684
00:32:01,336 --> 00:32:04,130
I forget to get on my knee.
I can't think of anything.
685
00:32:04,213 --> 00:32:06,174
I'm panicked, so I just go…
686
00:32:08,217 --> 00:32:10,219
[laughter]
687
00:32:11,179 --> 00:32:12,263
And I yelled,
688
00:32:12,347 --> 00:32:13,806
"You wanna?"
689
00:32:14,349 --> 00:32:16,351
[laughter]
690
00:32:18,728 --> 00:32:20,146
Jax curtsied.
691
00:32:20,229 --> 00:32:22,732
[laughter and applause]
692
00:32:22,815 --> 00:32:27,445
And then, thank goodness, she said yes.
693
00:32:27,528 --> 00:32:29,530
[cheering and applause]
694
00:32:35,370 --> 00:32:36,537
Phew.
695
00:32:37,622 --> 00:32:40,375
So, um… So now that we were engaged,
696
00:32:40,458 --> 00:32:42,585
we had to start planning our wedding.
697
00:32:42,669 --> 00:32:45,046
And we were engaged for a while,
'cause truth be told,
698
00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:47,256
Jax and I are not big planners.
699
00:32:47,340 --> 00:32:52,470
And then my mom, Ginger, started
offering up her wedding planning services.
700
00:32:53,471 --> 00:32:55,014
And I was like, "Oh boy."
701
00:32:55,723 --> 00:32:58,768
Because my mom got remarried
later on in life,
702
00:32:59,310 --> 00:33:02,355
and I was at that wedding, and, um,
703
00:33:03,439 --> 00:33:05,149
my mom had a circus theme.
704
00:33:05,233 --> 00:33:06,734
-[laughter]
-Yeah.
705
00:33:07,318 --> 00:33:10,071
She was marrying
this old-school Southern guy
706
00:33:10,154 --> 00:33:12,490
who sounded like Foghorn Leghorn.
707
00:33:12,573 --> 00:33:13,783
[laughter]
708
00:33:13,866 --> 00:33:15,827
He was not part of the planning.
709
00:33:15,910 --> 00:33:20,748
Uh, I don't know if my mom thought she was
planning a 12-year-old's birthday party
710
00:33:20,832 --> 00:33:22,000
or her wedding,
711
00:33:22,083 --> 00:33:24,252
but that's what happened.
It was a circus theme.
712
00:33:24,335 --> 00:33:25,878
She invited 300 people.
713
00:33:25,962 --> 00:33:28,381
That's right, 300 people.
714
00:33:28,464 --> 00:33:31,384
To come to the Methodist church
for this big party.
715
00:33:31,884 --> 00:33:35,221
And she rented
a red-and-white striped circus tent
716
00:33:35,304 --> 00:33:38,057
and had them put it
inside the fellowship hall.
717
00:33:38,141 --> 00:33:41,102
Not outside where tents go. Inside.
718
00:33:41,185 --> 00:33:42,395
[laughter]
719
00:33:42,478 --> 00:33:44,981
She rented a cotton candy maker.
720
00:33:45,064 --> 00:33:49,277
She said," I'm gonna serve nachos
with 'jalapee-nos,'" as she called them.
721
00:33:49,986 --> 00:33:52,989
There was a juggler.
I guess I was the clown.
722
00:33:53,072 --> 00:33:54,657
[laughter]
723
00:33:54,741 --> 00:33:57,452
She had just 12 gallons of ice cream.
724
00:33:57,535 --> 00:34:00,413
The main entrée was a hot dog cart.
725
00:34:00,496 --> 00:34:04,083
She just found some guy
on the side of the road the week before,
726
00:34:04,167 --> 00:34:06,502
and was like,
"What are you doing on Saturday?"
727
00:34:07,045 --> 00:34:11,632
And this guy got there. I don't think
he'd sold more than 20 hot dogs in a day.
728
00:34:11,716 --> 00:34:15,261
And now he has 300 starving people
729
00:34:15,344 --> 00:34:19,307
wrapped around the church,
just desperate for one of his wieners.
730
00:34:19,390 --> 00:34:20,767
[laughter]
731
00:34:20,850 --> 00:34:22,894
He was just like, "Agh!"
732
00:34:22,977 --> 00:34:23,811
Panic.
733
00:34:23,895 --> 00:34:25,730
In the middle of this party,
734
00:34:25,813 --> 00:34:28,775
there were two round, plastic baby pools.
735
00:34:28,858 --> 00:34:31,694
I was like,
"Are we bobbing for apples now?"
736
00:34:32,528 --> 00:34:37,325
No. My mom had put ice
in both of these plastic baby pools
737
00:34:37,408 --> 00:34:41,704
and then put canned soft drinks
in both of these pools
738
00:34:41,788 --> 00:34:43,831
and announced to the party
739
00:34:43,915 --> 00:34:46,167
that these were our coolers.
740
00:34:46,250 --> 00:34:47,794
[laughter]
741
00:34:47,877 --> 00:34:53,966
I walked in there and I saw two plastic
baby pools being used as coolers,
742
00:34:54,050 --> 00:34:58,137
and I thought, "Here I am
working so hard in Los Angeles,
743
00:34:58,221 --> 00:35:00,389
trying to make a name for myself,
744
00:35:01,057 --> 00:35:04,644
and we are trash."
745
00:35:04,727 --> 00:35:06,437
[laughter]
746
00:35:07,522 --> 00:35:10,566
"We are trash."
747
00:35:11,484 --> 00:35:14,862
My mom's man friend walked in there
in his penny loafers,
748
00:35:14,946 --> 00:35:16,322
not knowing what was going on.
749
00:35:16,405 --> 00:35:18,866
He about fainted. Like, "I do declare!"
750
00:35:18,950 --> 00:35:21,035
[laughter]
751
00:35:21,119 --> 00:35:23,371
But the best part was the entertainment.
752
00:35:23,454 --> 00:35:26,874
They had a woman
from the church choir singing,
753
00:35:26,958 --> 00:35:29,001
and this was her big solo moment,
754
00:35:29,085 --> 00:35:32,755
and she took center stage so confidently,
755
00:35:32,839 --> 00:35:34,507
and she started singing.
756
00:35:35,049 --> 00:35:39,387
♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪
757
00:35:39,470 --> 00:35:44,016
♪ Over the hill and everywhere ♪
758
00:35:44,100 --> 00:35:47,937
♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪
759
00:35:48,020 --> 00:35:50,064
♪ That Ginger ♪
760
00:35:50,148 --> 00:35:54,902
♪ Got married ♪
761
00:35:55,444 --> 00:35:57,446
[cheering and applause]
762
00:36:00,950 --> 00:36:02,285
Oh, there was more.
763
00:36:02,785 --> 00:36:04,203
She started singing…
764
00:36:04,912 --> 00:36:08,624
♪ Oh when the saints go marching in ♪
765
00:36:08,708 --> 00:36:12,336
♪ Oh when the saints go marching in ♪
766
00:36:12,420 --> 00:36:16,549
♪ How I want to be in that number ♪
767
00:36:16,632 --> 00:36:20,428
♪ When the saints go marching ♪
768
00:36:20,511 --> 00:36:24,098
♪ In ♪
769
00:36:24,682 --> 00:36:26,475
[cheering]
770
00:36:26,559 --> 00:36:28,144
[Fortune laughs]
771
00:36:29,103 --> 00:36:31,981
That marriage lasted three months.
772
00:36:32,064 --> 00:36:33,149
[laughter]
773
00:36:33,232 --> 00:36:37,445
That circus tent was up
longer than my mom's marriage lasted.
774
00:36:38,821 --> 00:36:40,281
So… [laughs]
775
00:36:40,364 --> 00:36:42,200
We started planning our wedding
776
00:36:42,283 --> 00:36:44,952
and, uh, did not involve my mom.
777
00:36:46,078 --> 00:36:48,164
The pandemic hit, and we thought,
778
00:36:48,247 --> 00:36:51,292
"Well, I guess we're not
gonna be able to get married."
779
00:36:51,375 --> 00:36:53,920
Uh, but then the fall came,
it was October,
780
00:36:54,003 --> 00:36:56,964
and we're like, "Actually,
this is the perfect time to get married."
781
00:36:57,048 --> 00:37:01,010
"We can do it how we want and we don't
have to worry about anybody else."
782
00:37:01,093 --> 00:37:02,845
So yeah, it was great.
783
00:37:02,929 --> 00:37:04,305
[applause]
784
00:37:04,388 --> 00:37:08,601
We planned it in two weeks,
rented an Airbnb out by the ocean,
785
00:37:08,684 --> 00:37:11,687
had a stranger in a mask be our officiant.
786
00:37:12,438 --> 00:37:13,773
We Zoomed our families.
787
00:37:13,856 --> 00:37:16,442
I think my mom is still on that Zoom call.
788
00:37:16,525 --> 00:37:18,527
[laughter]
789
00:37:19,153 --> 00:37:22,823
And it's not how either of us
ever thought that we would get married,
790
00:37:22,907 --> 00:37:24,784
but it ended up being perfect
791
00:37:24,867 --> 00:37:27,536
'cause it was just about us
and just about our day,
792
00:37:27,620 --> 00:37:29,580
and, uh, we even got baptized that day.
793
00:37:29,664 --> 00:37:30,706
Not on purpose.
794
00:37:30,790 --> 00:37:32,041
[laughter]
795
00:37:32,124 --> 00:37:36,671
But… But we were taking these,
uh, these photographs,
796
00:37:36,754 --> 00:37:40,216
and we saw the sun was setting, and
there was these stairs down to the ocean.
797
00:37:40,299 --> 00:37:42,927
We were like, "Oh my gosh,
we got to get a picture here."
798
00:37:43,010 --> 00:37:44,220
So we stand over there,
799
00:37:44,303 --> 00:37:47,348
and our amazing photographer
got a series of pictures.
800
00:37:47,431 --> 00:37:49,684
And in our first picture,
we look beautiful.
801
00:37:49,767 --> 00:37:53,187
We look like, uh,
two lesbians at prom together.
802
00:37:53,271 --> 00:37:54,355
[laughter]
803
00:37:55,231 --> 00:37:56,065
Gorgeous picture.
804
00:37:56,148 --> 00:37:58,109
Our second picture,
we're kind of doing this
805
00:37:58,192 --> 00:38:00,361
'cause something is looming over us.
806
00:38:01,404 --> 00:38:05,408
Like the principal who's angry
that two lesbians went to prom together.
807
00:38:05,491 --> 00:38:06,867
[laughter]
808
00:38:07,660 --> 00:38:10,037
Then in the third picture,
we're doing this
809
00:38:10,121 --> 00:38:13,833
because the ocean is now
crashing into our earholes.
810
00:38:14,542 --> 00:38:17,670
Fourth picture,
we're completely covered by water.
811
00:38:17,753 --> 00:38:20,464
Fifth picture,
the ocean's been sucked back out to sea,
812
00:38:20,548 --> 00:38:22,383
and we're dripping wet like…
813
00:38:22,466 --> 00:38:24,468
[laughter]
814
00:38:25,303 --> 00:38:28,347
"So glad we decided
to take this picture in the sunset."
815
00:38:28,848 --> 00:38:29,890
[laughter]
816
00:38:29,974 --> 00:38:32,685
We have all these pictures,
and I think it means it's good luck.
817
00:38:32,768 --> 00:38:35,646
That's what I've been told.
It's good luck. We're gonna go with that.
818
00:38:36,230 --> 00:38:38,816
But, uh, a few days after we got married,
819
00:38:38,899 --> 00:38:41,360
they announced online
that we had gotten married,
820
00:38:41,444 --> 00:38:45,573
and we got a lot of love and a lot
of support, which I really appreciate.
821
00:38:46,115 --> 00:38:48,117
[cheering and applause]
822
00:38:50,369 --> 00:38:52,496
I try to put out positivity,
823
00:38:52,580 --> 00:38:55,207
so when it comes back to me,
it means so much.
824
00:38:55,291 --> 00:38:57,251
I try not to focus on negative stuff.
825
00:38:57,335 --> 00:39:00,129
I try to surround myself,
uh, with positive things.
826
00:39:00,212 --> 00:39:02,757
I try not to read negative comments,
827
00:39:02,840 --> 00:39:05,384
but in a job like mine,
you do hear from a lot of people.
828
00:39:05,468 --> 00:39:09,889
And I don't see everything,
but occasionally a turd will get through.
829
00:39:09,972 --> 00:39:11,140
[laughter]
830
00:39:11,223 --> 00:39:15,269
And I happened to see this message
on that day that was sent to me directly.
831
00:39:15,353 --> 00:39:19,148
And, uh, I wanted to read that message
to you guys, if that's okay.
832
00:39:19,231 --> 00:39:20,691
-[woman] Yes!
-Yes!
833
00:39:20,775 --> 00:39:21,859
All right.
834
00:39:22,401 --> 00:39:24,195
It's from a guy named Gary,
835
00:39:24,278 --> 00:39:26,364
and, uh, I will preface it with
836
00:39:26,447 --> 00:39:31,494
you are not going to like this message,
but we are going to unpack it together.
837
00:39:31,577 --> 00:39:32,995
[laughter]
838
00:39:33,079 --> 00:39:38,459
So here's what Gary wrote to me on the day
it was announced that I got married.
839
00:39:39,043 --> 00:39:42,254
He said, "How long have you and your wife
840
00:39:42,338 --> 00:39:43,881
been mentally ill,
841
00:39:44,423 --> 00:39:46,509
taco-licking lesbians
842
00:39:47,468 --> 00:39:49,970
who should be put in Alcatraz?"
843
00:39:52,264 --> 00:39:54,475
I was like, "Wow, that
844
00:39:55,309 --> 00:39:57,228
is very specific."
845
00:39:57,311 --> 00:39:59,313
[laughter]
846
00:40:00,648 --> 00:40:03,859
There was no grammar
in that message, by the way.
847
00:40:03,943 --> 00:40:06,112
He was like, "Mentally ill taco licking…"
848
00:40:06,195 --> 00:40:11,367
I'm like, "I think he means
'mentally ill,' comma, 'taco,' hyphen…"
849
00:40:11,450 --> 00:40:12,701
You guys get it.
850
00:40:12,785 --> 00:40:15,162
Already I'm doing him favors.
851
00:40:15,246 --> 00:40:16,205
[laughter]
852
00:40:16,956 --> 00:40:19,708
And I guess I was bored
on this particular day,
853
00:40:19,792 --> 00:40:23,754
because I was like, "I just got to see
what this person looks like."
854
00:40:23,838 --> 00:40:27,508
"Who sends a message like this
to a complete stranger?"
855
00:40:27,591 --> 00:40:30,636
So I went on his page,
and he did not have a picture of himself.
856
00:40:30,719 --> 00:40:33,889
It was a picture of an American flag,
857
00:40:33,973 --> 00:40:36,517
and written across of it, it said,
858
00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:40,187
"We need God in America again."
859
00:40:40,271 --> 00:40:44,275
That is what Gary leads with
860
00:40:45,151 --> 00:40:46,610
on Instagram,
861
00:40:47,278 --> 00:40:50,906
and then that was the message
that he sent me.
862
00:40:52,408 --> 00:40:53,409
I was like,
863
00:40:54,285 --> 00:40:56,745
"I don't know that God
864
00:40:57,455 --> 00:41:02,334
would be into the phrase 'taco-licking.'"
865
00:41:02,418 --> 00:41:04,420
[laughter]
866
00:41:05,171 --> 00:41:07,423
Call me crazy, which he did…
867
00:41:07,506 --> 00:41:09,091
[laughter]
868
00:41:09,175 --> 00:41:12,636
…but that did not sound
very Christ-like to me.
869
00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:13,971
[laughter]
870
00:41:14,054 --> 00:41:17,892
By the way, there is nowhere
in the Bible where it says
871
00:41:17,975 --> 00:41:21,645
what you can or cannot do
with your Mexican food.
872
00:41:21,729 --> 00:41:22,980
Just so you know.
873
00:41:23,063 --> 00:41:25,065
[cheering and applause]
874
00:41:28,402 --> 00:41:30,154
That is up to you, my friends.
875
00:41:30,738 --> 00:41:33,866
So then Gary said
that we should be put in Alcatraz.
876
00:41:33,949 --> 00:41:36,535
Now, I don't know
if he doesn't have Google…
877
00:41:36,619 --> 00:41:37,453
[laughter]
878
00:41:37,536 --> 00:41:41,165
…but Alcatraz has not been a prison
for a while.
879
00:41:41,248 --> 00:41:43,542
If that's what he intended,
it's not a prison.
880
00:41:43,626 --> 00:41:45,419
It's actually a museum,
881
00:41:46,212 --> 00:41:49,715
and it's a museum in San Francisco,
882
00:41:49,798 --> 00:41:55,012
which is one of the gayest cities
in the whole world.
883
00:41:55,095 --> 00:41:57,097
[cheering and applause]
884
00:41:58,390 --> 00:42:02,728
I'm like, "Is Gary telling me
I should be in a gay museum?"
885
00:42:03,354 --> 00:42:05,981
"Gary, stop."
886
00:42:06,690 --> 00:42:09,944
"Am I a trailblazer? Stop, Gary."
887
00:42:11,487 --> 00:42:15,407
At the top of the message, it said
that he and I did not follow each other,
888
00:42:15,491 --> 00:42:17,117
which was not a surprise.
889
00:42:17,785 --> 00:42:21,539
But it did say that we followed
one person in common.
890
00:42:21,622 --> 00:42:26,710
I'm like, "Who in the world
could Gary and I possibly agree on?"
891
00:42:26,794 --> 00:42:29,922
"We seem like very different people."
892
00:42:30,589 --> 00:42:33,509
And it said, "You both follow
893
00:42:34,260 --> 00:42:35,094
Oprah."
894
00:42:35,177 --> 00:42:37,179
[laughter]
895
00:42:37,930 --> 00:42:38,764
What?
896
00:42:39,807 --> 00:42:44,186
I have to say, I did not take Gary
as an Oprah kind of guy.
897
00:42:44,937 --> 00:42:47,189
But that is how famous Oprah is.
898
00:42:47,273 --> 00:42:48,440
She builds bridges.
899
00:42:48,524 --> 00:42:50,442
[laughter]
900
00:42:50,526 --> 00:42:52,236
So I read the message again.
901
00:42:52,319 --> 00:42:55,030
"How long have you and your wife
been mentally ill,
902
00:42:55,114 --> 00:42:58,784
taco-licking lesbians
who should be put in Alcatraz?"
903
00:42:58,867 --> 00:43:01,829
And I was like, "Why have I not moved on
from this message?"
904
00:43:02,413 --> 00:43:03,914
[laughter]
905
00:43:04,999 --> 00:43:06,500
And I'm looking at it.
906
00:43:08,085 --> 00:43:08,961
"What is it?"
907
00:43:09,044 --> 00:43:10,212
Then it hit me.
908
00:43:10,296 --> 00:43:12,047
I was like, "Oh my God."
909
00:43:12,798 --> 00:43:16,885
"Gary just recognized my marriage."
910
00:43:17,469 --> 00:43:18,679
He said,
911
00:43:19,221 --> 00:43:22,182
"Your wife,"
912
00:43:22,266 --> 00:43:26,520
and that is called progress.
913
00:43:26,604 --> 00:43:28,606
[cheering and applause]
914
00:43:37,031 --> 00:43:40,034
Granted, he spelled "wife" with a Y,
915
00:43:40,659 --> 00:43:42,453
but I know what he meant.
916
00:43:42,536 --> 00:43:43,579
[laughter]
917
00:43:43,662 --> 00:43:47,916
And listen, there are a lot of people
who fought many, many years
918
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:51,337
for someone like me
to be able to say "wife."
919
00:43:51,420 --> 00:43:55,549
Gary said it in 2.2 seconds
without even thinking.
920
00:43:55,633 --> 00:43:59,011
His head would explode if he knew
how progressive that message was.
921
00:43:59,094 --> 00:44:02,389
So that is, in fact, progress, my friends.
922
00:44:02,931 --> 00:44:04,558
[cheering and applause]
923
00:44:08,646 --> 00:44:12,441
So we got married, we stayed at home
for the next year like everybody else.
924
00:44:12,524 --> 00:44:15,694
I couldn't go on the road and do my job,
which was really weird.
925
00:44:15,778 --> 00:44:19,657
And now that I'm back on the road,
I do not take it for granted anymore.
926
00:44:19,740 --> 00:44:23,494
It is such a beautiful thing
to come out and make people laugh,
927
00:44:23,577 --> 00:44:26,080
and to add
some sort of levity to the world.
928
00:44:26,163 --> 00:44:28,666
I love Chicago, I love coming here.
929
00:44:28,749 --> 00:44:30,334
It's one of my favorite cities.
930
00:44:30,417 --> 00:44:31,877
[cheering and applause]
931
00:44:37,174 --> 00:44:40,886
There was only one city on this tour
I was nervous to go back to,
932
00:44:40,969 --> 00:44:42,638
and that was Des Moines.
933
00:44:42,721 --> 00:44:44,598
[laughter]
934
00:44:44,682 --> 00:44:47,309
Last time I was there,
it was in the middle of winter,
935
00:44:47,393 --> 00:44:50,813
and I forgot that in the Midwest,
when it is wintertime,
936
00:44:50,896 --> 00:44:52,064
and people are freezing,
937
00:44:52,147 --> 00:44:53,524
they get hammered.
938
00:44:54,024 --> 00:44:55,067
Hammered.
939
00:44:55,150 --> 00:44:58,404
It is too cold to go outside,
there is nothing else to do.
940
00:44:58,487 --> 00:45:03,367
So I get to the venue, and girls are
coming out of the bathroom like this.
941
00:45:03,450 --> 00:45:06,870
There is toilet paper
on the bottom of their shoes.
942
00:45:06,954 --> 00:45:08,414
It is 7 p.m.
943
00:45:08,497 --> 00:45:12,000
That is where we are starting this night.
944
00:45:12,084 --> 00:45:15,587
So I get out on stage,
and they are just wanting to party.
945
00:45:15,671 --> 00:45:19,091
They're sending shot after shot,
and I like drinks,
946
00:45:19,174 --> 00:45:20,843
but my vice is milkshakes,
947
00:45:20,926 --> 00:45:21,802
so I'm good.
948
00:45:22,803 --> 00:45:25,305
And they keep wanting me
to drink Fireball Whisky.
949
00:45:25,389 --> 00:45:26,807
They love Fireball Whisky.
950
00:45:26,890 --> 00:45:29,685
I think it tastes
like a bottle of gasoline
951
00:45:29,768 --> 00:45:32,896
with a stick of Big Red chewing gum
plopped in the middle.
952
00:45:32,980 --> 00:45:34,022
[pretends to retch]
953
00:45:35,482 --> 00:45:37,609
I'm like, "I'm good."
They're like, "What?"
954
00:45:38,193 --> 00:45:39,486
"She doesn't like Fireball!"
955
00:45:39,570 --> 00:45:41,238
"She doesn't like Fireball. Shit!"
956
00:45:41,321 --> 00:45:44,032
They cannot fathom this information.
957
00:45:44,116 --> 00:45:46,285
So now as an audience,
they only care about
958
00:45:46,368 --> 00:45:48,704
trying to figure out
what drink to send me next.
959
00:45:48,787 --> 00:45:51,248
"All right, okay,
she doesn't like Fireball."
960
00:45:51,331 --> 00:45:52,291
"All right. Oh, vodka!"
961
00:45:52,374 --> 00:45:53,751
"Yeah, send it, send it!"
962
00:45:53,834 --> 00:45:56,420
All these vodka and cranberries
start coming to the stage.
963
00:45:56,503 --> 00:45:59,214
"I'm not really a vodka person."
They're like, "What?!"
964
00:45:59,965 --> 00:46:03,218
"Uh, she doesn't like vodka.
Shit, she doesn't like vodka."
965
00:46:03,302 --> 00:46:07,139
"All right. Oh, beer! Yeah, send it."
All these beers start coming to the stage.
966
00:46:07,222 --> 00:46:09,516
I'm like,
"I never acquired a taste for it."
967
00:46:10,184 --> 00:46:12,186
They're like, "Well, that's surprising."
968
00:46:12,269 --> 00:46:14,146
[laughter]
969
00:46:14,229 --> 00:46:16,732
I know I look like somebody
that would pound a beer,
970
00:46:16,815 --> 00:46:19,318
take the can and crush it on my forehead,
971
00:46:19,943 --> 00:46:21,487
and still recycle.
972
00:46:21,570 --> 00:46:23,071
[laughter]
973
00:46:23,155 --> 00:46:24,490
[cheering and applause]
974
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:28,577
I'm now taking these drinks
they've passed up.
975
00:46:28,660 --> 00:46:31,955
I'm passing it back out to them.
I am only making them drunker.
976
00:46:32,039 --> 00:46:35,334
They go, "Please, for the love of God,
tell us what you drink."
977
00:46:35,417 --> 00:46:38,003
"You cannot leave Iowa
without having a drink with us."
978
00:46:38,086 --> 00:46:40,422
I'm like, "That's a weird rule,
but all right."
979
00:46:40,506 --> 00:46:41,340
[laughter]
980
00:46:41,423 --> 00:46:44,259
I'm trying to think of a drink
that's gonna take a while to make
981
00:46:44,343 --> 00:46:46,970
'cause then I can do my job,
tell some jokes.
982
00:46:47,054 --> 00:46:48,972
I go, "A sangria."
983
00:46:50,182 --> 00:46:52,392
[laughter]
984
00:46:52,976 --> 00:46:54,311
I forgot where I was.
985
00:46:54,394 --> 00:46:55,312
[laughter]
986
00:46:55,395 --> 00:46:57,272
I was like, "All right, an old-fashioned."
987
00:46:57,356 --> 00:47:00,984
I assume they got to find
a mixologist with a little mustache.
988
00:47:01,068 --> 00:47:02,903
He's gotta freeze a large ice cube,
989
00:47:02,986 --> 00:47:04,988
bitters, slice an orange…
It'll take a while.
990
00:47:05,072 --> 00:47:07,866
Two minutes later,
these gorgeous old-fashioneds show up.
991
00:47:07,950 --> 00:47:10,744
"All right, fine.
Is this gonna make you happy?"
992
00:47:10,828 --> 00:47:13,330
I grab this drink
that's meant to be sipped, and I just…
993
00:47:13,956 --> 00:47:15,082
Down the gullet.
994
00:47:15,165 --> 00:47:15,999
[sighs]
995
00:47:16,792 --> 00:47:17,876
They are so pumped.
996
00:47:17,960 --> 00:47:20,754
You would think
I had just competed in a decathlon.
997
00:47:20,838 --> 00:47:22,339
[laughter]
998
00:47:22,840 --> 00:47:24,383
So they're having a good time.
999
00:47:24,466 --> 00:47:27,469
We get back into the show,
we're laughing, the show's great.
1000
00:47:27,553 --> 00:47:31,139
Later, they start getting restless again.
I'm like, "What now?"
1001
00:47:31,765 --> 00:47:35,519
I look back, and there's this older woman
trying to make her way through the crowd.
1002
00:47:35,602 --> 00:47:38,021
She's got short, spiky, gray hair,
1003
00:47:38,480 --> 00:47:42,401
she's got this worn face
like she has seen some shit.
1004
00:47:42,484 --> 00:47:43,777
[laughter]
1005
00:47:43,861 --> 00:47:45,696
She's got a leather vest on.
1006
00:47:45,779 --> 00:47:48,866
I assume she's got
a dreamcatcher in her car.
1007
00:47:48,949 --> 00:47:50,617
[laughter]
1008
00:47:50,701 --> 00:47:54,246
She's walking very confidently
towards the stage,
1009
00:47:54,788 --> 00:47:57,165
and she lands right there
at the end of the stage,
1010
00:47:57,249 --> 00:47:59,751
and I look and I see that she is holding
1011
00:47:59,835 --> 00:48:01,712
a Smirnoff Ice.
1012
00:48:01,795 --> 00:48:03,297
[audience member] Oh!
1013
00:48:03,380 --> 00:48:05,382
And she looks at me and she goes, "Hey."
1014
00:48:06,133 --> 00:48:07,551
"My name's Linda…"
1015
00:48:07,634 --> 00:48:08,594
[laughter]
1016
00:48:08,677 --> 00:48:12,347
"…and you are about to get iced."
1017
00:48:12,431 --> 00:48:14,433
[laughter]
1018
00:48:16,018 --> 00:48:18,520
I grabbed the Smirnoff Ice and I said,
1019
00:48:18,604 --> 00:48:21,899
"What time capsule
did you dig this out of?"
1020
00:48:21,982 --> 00:48:23,150
[laughter]
1021
00:48:23,233 --> 00:48:25,444
Thinking the whole crowd would agree.
1022
00:48:25,527 --> 00:48:26,904
They start chanting,
1023
00:48:26,987 --> 00:48:29,615
"Iced, iced, iced, iced, iced!"
1024
00:48:29,698 --> 00:48:32,743
They are relentless.
I'm like, "What is iced?"
1025
00:48:32,826 --> 00:48:36,038
I have no idea
what they are talking about.
1026
00:48:36,121 --> 00:48:39,458
This very sweet Midwestern woman
stands up. She goes,
1027
00:48:39,541 --> 00:48:42,836
"Getting iced is when
you get down on your knees,
1028
00:48:42,920 --> 00:48:45,213
you take that bottle of Smirnoff Ice,
1029
00:48:45,297 --> 00:48:48,258
you drink that whole bottle
all in one gulp,
1030
00:48:48,342 --> 00:48:50,844
and that is getting iced."
1031
00:48:50,928 --> 00:48:52,930
[laughter and applause]
1032
00:48:56,516 --> 00:49:00,938
I'm not getting on my knees
1033
00:49:01,480 --> 00:49:04,650
and drinking a Smirnoff Ice.
1034
00:49:04,733 --> 00:49:06,360
The whole room yells,
1035
00:49:06,443 --> 00:49:09,279
"Those are the rules!"
1036
00:49:11,782 --> 00:49:16,119
I'm like, "I am a grown woman,
professional comedian."
1037
00:49:16,203 --> 00:49:18,872
Linda yells, "Get on your knees!"
1038
00:49:18,956 --> 00:49:20,832
[laughter]
1039
00:49:20,916 --> 00:49:23,168
"You are getting iced!"
1040
00:49:23,251 --> 00:49:24,086
[laughter]
1041
00:49:26,755 --> 00:49:28,757
[laughter continues]
1042
00:49:37,599 --> 00:49:39,601
[cheering]
1043
00:49:47,109 --> 00:49:49,111
So I got on my knee.
1044
00:49:49,194 --> 00:49:52,072
This would have come in handy
during my proposal.
1045
00:49:52,155 --> 00:49:53,532
[laughter]
1046
00:49:53,615 --> 00:49:58,078
And I start chugging this God-awful
Smirnoff Ice. Like… [groans]
1047
00:49:58,161 --> 00:50:02,124
This malt liquor bullshit's
falling down my face.
1048
00:50:02,207 --> 00:50:06,003
It's all sticky and gross,
it's ruining my perfectly good cardigan.
1049
00:50:06,837 --> 00:50:10,966
They're just going nuts. The audience
is going nuts. I'm like… [groans]
1050
00:50:11,633 --> 00:50:14,886
I finally finish this drink. Mm.
1051
00:50:17,347 --> 00:50:18,390
[exhales]
1052
00:50:18,473 --> 00:50:19,474
And I stand up.
1053
00:50:21,101 --> 00:50:22,477
And something about
1054
00:50:23,895 --> 00:50:25,230
that old-fashioned…
1055
00:50:25,313 --> 00:50:27,315
[laughter]
1056
00:50:28,400 --> 00:50:30,569
…and that Smirnoff Ice…
1057
00:50:32,738 --> 00:50:34,239
and that low gravity…
1058
00:50:34,322 --> 00:50:35,365
[laughter]
1059
00:50:35,449 --> 00:50:36,742
…did not mix.
1060
00:50:37,242 --> 00:50:39,327
I am immediately seeing double.
1061
00:50:40,120 --> 00:50:41,830
I don't finish my set.
1062
00:50:42,581 --> 00:50:43,999
I don't say goodnight.
1063
00:50:45,000 --> 00:50:46,960
I just look at the crowd and I said,
1064
00:50:47,627 --> 00:50:48,920
"You did this."
1065
00:50:49,004 --> 00:50:49,838
[laughter]
1066
00:50:49,921 --> 00:50:51,339
And I left.
1067
00:50:51,423 --> 00:50:53,425
[applause]
1068
00:50:59,389 --> 00:51:01,516
Passed out backstage.
1069
00:51:03,185 --> 00:51:06,396
I come to, like, two hours later
in the promoter's car.
1070
00:51:06,897 --> 00:51:10,108
I'm waking up, I'm like,
"How did I get here?"
1071
00:51:10,192 --> 00:51:14,613
She said, "Well, three very large
security guards had to carry you outside."
1072
00:51:14,696 --> 00:51:16,573
[laughter]
1073
00:51:16,656 --> 00:51:18,950
I'm like, "I did not ask that."
1074
00:51:19,034 --> 00:51:20,243
[laughter]
1075
00:51:20,327 --> 00:51:22,287
"And it could have been done with two."
1076
00:51:22,370 --> 00:51:23,789
[laughter]
1077
00:51:23,872 --> 00:51:25,165
I said, "No, what happened?"
1078
00:51:25,248 --> 00:51:27,000
She said, "Well, you got iced."
1079
00:51:27,542 --> 00:51:31,213
"I don't know if it was that,
if it was the mix of the two alcohols."
1080
00:51:31,296 --> 00:51:32,756
I said, "Get me out of Des Moines!"
1081
00:51:32,839 --> 00:51:34,841
[laughter]
1082
00:51:35,675 --> 00:51:38,804
She goes to start the car,
and it will not start.
1083
00:51:38,887 --> 00:51:42,432
I'm like, "Oh my gosh,
I am not getting stuck in Des Moines!"
1084
00:51:42,516 --> 00:51:44,476
It's freezing cold, it's late at night,
1085
00:51:44,559 --> 00:51:46,770
there's no Ubers, my plane's leaving soon,
1086
00:51:46,853 --> 00:51:47,938
people are icing me.
1087
00:51:48,021 --> 00:51:49,356
[laughter]
1088
00:51:49,439 --> 00:51:52,859
I'm just ready to leave, and I hear
the doors burst open to the club.
1089
00:51:52,943 --> 00:51:54,152
I look over.
1090
00:51:55,487 --> 00:51:56,571
Here comes Linda.
1091
00:51:56,655 --> 00:51:58,657
[laughter]
1092
00:52:01,660 --> 00:52:03,620
She saddles up to the car.
1093
00:52:04,538 --> 00:52:06,123
"What's up, ladies?"
1094
00:52:06,206 --> 00:52:08,041
[laughter]
1095
00:52:08,583 --> 00:52:09,918
I'm like, "Hey, Linda."
1096
00:52:10,001 --> 00:52:12,003
[laughter]
1097
00:52:14,131 --> 00:52:17,008
I'm trying not to make
eye contact with her, 'cause
1098
00:52:17,884 --> 00:52:21,012
I don't know what kind of powers
that dreamcatcher has.
1099
00:52:21,096 --> 00:52:22,806
[laughter]
1100
00:52:22,889 --> 00:52:27,018
I said, "Hey, Linda, uh, our car
won't start, but we're good. We got it."
1101
00:52:27,102 --> 00:52:28,854
"Thank you for coming. Good night."
1102
00:52:30,147 --> 00:52:32,440
She took a look at me,
she goes… [clicks tongue]
1103
00:52:33,567 --> 00:52:34,526
Gives me a wink.
1104
00:52:35,110 --> 00:52:37,195
Walks to the back of the car,
1105
00:52:37,988 --> 00:52:39,906
opens up that gas tank.
1106
00:52:39,990 --> 00:52:40,907
[pretends to spit]
1107
00:52:41,449 --> 00:52:44,494
Spit in the gas tank,
1108
00:52:44,578 --> 00:52:47,289
and I got the heck out of Des Moines.
1109
00:52:47,372 --> 00:52:49,249
[cheering and applause]
1110
00:52:54,045 --> 00:52:55,463
Oh, Linda.
1111
00:52:57,132 --> 00:52:58,300
[Fortune chuckles]
1112
00:52:59,217 --> 00:53:03,138
So I have now been married for two years.
1113
00:53:03,221 --> 00:53:05,432
[cheering and applause]
1114
00:53:05,515 --> 00:53:07,267
And it's great. I love it.
1115
00:53:07,851 --> 00:53:11,897
And, uh, we get that next question that
you always get when you're newly married.
1116
00:53:11,980 --> 00:53:14,774
Everybody wants to know
if we're having kids.
1117
00:53:14,858 --> 00:53:17,944
And I'll tell you parents,
you are not making it look fun.
1118
00:53:18,028 --> 00:53:19,112
[laughter]
1119
00:53:19,196 --> 00:53:21,364
You guys all have a glaze in your eyes.
1120
00:53:22,532 --> 00:53:25,243
So we're dog moms right now.
That's what we're doing.
1121
00:53:25,744 --> 00:53:27,871
And, uh, we'll see what happens.
1122
00:53:28,747 --> 00:53:32,083
But we have this little Pomeranian
named Biggie.
1123
00:53:32,167 --> 00:53:33,126
[cheering]
1124
00:53:33,210 --> 00:53:34,419
So cute.
1125
00:53:34,502 --> 00:53:37,130
He's a little guy, eight pounds,
1126
00:53:37,214 --> 00:53:39,007
and a very happy, healthy guy,
1127
00:53:39,090 --> 00:53:41,843
but he came down
with something called HGE.
1128
00:53:41,927 --> 00:53:44,179
Now it's this thing that dogs can get
1129
00:53:44,262 --> 00:53:46,306
where they go from being
totally healthy and fine
1130
00:53:46,389 --> 00:53:48,225
to being super, super sick,
1131
00:53:48,308 --> 00:53:49,434
and it can be deadly.
1132
00:53:49,517 --> 00:53:51,853
It comes on fast, like 48 hours,
1133
00:53:51,937 --> 00:53:54,481
and vets don't know how dogs get this.
1134
00:53:54,564 --> 00:53:59,778
They say it could be from something
they ate, it could be from stress.
1135
00:53:59,861 --> 00:54:04,074
I was like, "The Humane Society
found Biggie eating out of a dumpster,
1136
00:54:04,157 --> 00:54:06,952
and now he is walking around Beverly Hills
1137
00:54:07,035 --> 00:54:09,162
in my wife's Gucci purse."
1138
00:54:09,246 --> 00:54:10,247
[laughter]
1139
00:54:10,330 --> 00:54:13,375
"He ain't got no stress."
1140
00:54:13,458 --> 00:54:14,918
[laughter]
1141
00:54:16,086 --> 00:54:18,713
His food is more expensive than mine.
1142
00:54:18,797 --> 00:54:21,716
He ain't got no stress.
1143
00:54:22,509 --> 00:54:26,638
So we have no idea where this came from
or how he got it,
1144
00:54:26,721 --> 00:54:29,266
but the signs of it start to show up
1145
00:54:29,349 --> 00:54:32,435
at the beginning of our flight
from LA to New York City,
1146
00:54:32,519 --> 00:54:35,605
five and a half hours, and every hour,
he got significantly worse.
1147
00:54:35,689 --> 00:54:36,815
We couldn't do anything.
1148
00:54:36,898 --> 00:54:39,734
We landed, it took us an hour
to drive into New York City.
1149
00:54:39,818 --> 00:54:41,653
We went straight to an animal hospital.
1150
00:54:41,736 --> 00:54:43,655
Jax took him in the examination room,
1151
00:54:43,738 --> 00:54:45,991
and I was filling out tons of paperwork.
1152
00:54:46,074 --> 00:54:48,743
It's so different
than when I grew up with pets.
1153
00:54:48,827 --> 00:54:53,123
I mean, back in the day, your dog slept
inside, outside, your neighbor's house.
1154
00:54:53,206 --> 00:54:54,666
It'd roll up after two days,
1155
00:54:54,749 --> 00:54:56,876
you'd be like,
"Sparky, where've you been?"
1156
00:54:56,960 --> 00:54:57,877
[laughter]
1157
00:54:57,961 --> 00:55:01,047
Your dog ate whatever leftovers
your grandma threw over the fence
1158
00:55:01,131 --> 00:55:02,424
from the Sizzler.
1159
00:55:05,093 --> 00:55:08,763
And if suddenly your dog required
a large medical procedure,
1160
00:55:08,847 --> 00:55:10,890
your parents were straight up just like,
1161
00:55:10,974 --> 00:55:13,101
"It's been fun, Sparky."
1162
00:55:13,184 --> 00:55:14,102
[laughter]
1163
00:55:14,185 --> 00:55:15,603
And that was it.
1164
00:55:16,271 --> 00:55:17,814
But now I am the adult.
1165
00:55:17,897 --> 00:55:20,483
I have to be the one
that makes these decisions.
1166
00:55:20,567 --> 00:55:23,987
So I filled out everything,
and I hadn't seen Biggie in 45 minutes,
1167
00:55:24,070 --> 00:55:26,281
so I don't know
how he's doing at this point,
1168
00:55:26,364 --> 00:55:29,617
but I do know this.
1169
00:55:30,285 --> 00:55:34,122
It is time for me to step it up
1170
00:55:34,205 --> 00:55:37,751
and be that protector of my family.
1171
00:55:38,543 --> 00:55:41,212
It is time for me to be
1172
00:55:41,755 --> 00:55:43,006
butch.
1173
00:55:43,089 --> 00:55:44,924
[laughter]
1174
00:55:45,008 --> 00:55:47,927
I have my Rocky moment,
I'm, like, hitting myself in the face.
1175
00:55:48,845 --> 00:55:50,638
I would do a push-up, but I can't.
1176
00:55:50,722 --> 00:55:52,724
[laughter]
1177
00:55:52,807 --> 00:55:56,061
I'm all bowed up,
ready to walk in that room, all tough.
1178
00:55:56,144 --> 00:55:58,688
I walk in that door,
and Biggie's laid on the floor.
1179
00:55:58,772 --> 00:56:01,149
There's blood everywhere, he is way worse,
1180
00:56:01,232 --> 00:56:02,859
and I lose it. I just start going…
1181
00:56:03,443 --> 00:56:05,403
[screams]
1182
00:56:06,154 --> 00:56:07,489
"No!"
1183
00:56:07,572 --> 00:56:10,950
And Jax goes, "Get out of here!
You're bumming us out."
1184
00:56:11,034 --> 00:56:13,161
[laughter]
1185
00:56:13,244 --> 00:56:16,539
I got kicked out of the room!
1186
00:56:16,623 --> 00:56:17,624
[laughter]
1187
00:56:17,707 --> 00:56:20,585
I was forced to stand
behind the glass door.
1188
00:56:20,668 --> 00:56:22,670
[laughter]
1189
00:56:24,047 --> 00:56:25,882
I'm just staring at my family.
1190
00:56:27,384 --> 00:56:30,970
And I'd finally calmed down
'cause the nurse gave me a lollipop.
1191
00:56:31,054 --> 00:56:33,431
[laughter]
1192
00:56:33,515 --> 00:56:36,643
And I was so frustrated,
I was so disappointed in myself
1193
00:56:36,726 --> 00:56:40,688
that I couldn't just pull it together
for three freaking minutes,
1194
00:56:40,772 --> 00:56:41,856
but it's not who I am.
1195
00:56:41,940 --> 00:56:47,404
I'm a Cancer, I'm sensitive,
and I cannot change that about myself.
1196
00:56:47,987 --> 00:56:50,448
So I go wait in the lobby
till four in the morning.
1197
00:56:50,532 --> 00:56:54,452
Jax joins me, they go take Biggie back
and hook him up to all these machines.
1198
00:56:54,536 --> 00:56:57,414
Finally, the vet comes out
and he talks to us.
1199
00:56:57,497 --> 00:57:00,417
He says, "Listen, it is bad."
1200
00:57:00,500 --> 00:57:02,794
"He is at, like, 5%."
1201
00:57:02,877 --> 00:57:05,797
"And we will do whatever we can
to try and save him,
1202
00:57:05,880 --> 00:57:09,551
but for us to do that, he will have
to be here for three to four days,
1203
00:57:09,634 --> 00:57:10,802
round-the-clock care."
1204
00:57:10,885 --> 00:57:13,263
"He's gonna have
to have transfusions, plasma."
1205
00:57:13,847 --> 00:57:16,850
"We can't even guarantee
that it will work."
1206
00:57:16,933 --> 00:57:19,436
"But for us to try,
1207
00:57:19,936 --> 00:57:22,564
it is going to cost a minimum
1208
00:57:22,647 --> 00:57:26,484
of $10,000."
1209
00:57:27,026 --> 00:57:30,113
"What do you two want to do?"
1210
00:57:32,782 --> 00:57:34,784
[laughter]
1211
00:57:40,832 --> 00:57:42,834
[laughter continues]
1212
00:57:52,635 --> 00:57:56,181
Jax is like, "$10,000? I'm a teacher."
1213
00:57:56,264 --> 00:57:58,224
"That's like a whole year's salary."
1214
00:57:58,308 --> 00:57:59,476
[laughter]
1215
00:57:59,559 --> 00:58:01,227
I'm like, "$10,000?"
1216
00:58:01,311 --> 00:58:05,190
"He's eight pounds.
How much plasma could he possibly need?"
1217
00:58:05,690 --> 00:58:08,485
"He can't just share a crate
with a squirrel?"
1218
00:58:08,568 --> 00:58:10,820
[laughter]
1219
00:58:10,904 --> 00:58:13,406
The vet's like, "I need an answer."
I'm like… [groans]
1220
00:58:14,866 --> 00:58:18,161
Jax isn't saying anything, so it's clear
I've got to make this decision.
1221
00:58:18,244 --> 00:58:19,245
I'm like… [groans]
1222
00:58:19,746 --> 00:58:22,874
I'm like, "What would my parents do?
No, no, don't think that."
1223
00:58:22,957 --> 00:58:24,501
[laughter]
1224
00:58:25,752 --> 00:58:28,421
Jax is starting to get more upset.
I'm like… [groans]
1225
00:58:30,840 --> 00:58:31,716
[exhales]
1226
00:58:33,885 --> 00:58:34,802
[sighs]
1227
00:58:35,720 --> 00:58:37,555
So I pulled out my man wallet…
1228
00:58:37,639 --> 00:58:38,806
[laughter]
1229
00:58:42,227 --> 00:58:44,187
…and I grabbed my credit card
1230
00:58:46,105 --> 00:58:47,857
and slammed it on the table.
1231
00:58:48,983 --> 00:58:50,151
I said, "Charge it."
1232
00:58:51,319 --> 00:58:53,488
And then I looked Jax
1233
00:58:54,489 --> 00:58:56,866
dead in the eye, and I said,
1234
00:58:57,367 --> 00:59:00,370
"You think Darlene could have done that?"
1235
00:59:00,453 --> 00:59:02,539
[cheering and applause]
1236
00:59:02,622 --> 00:59:03,831
"No!"
1237
00:59:04,332 --> 00:59:06,334
[cheering]
1238
00:59:06,417 --> 00:59:09,295
"Pam is broke."
1239
00:59:10,797 --> 00:59:14,551
"Sheila has shitty-ass credit."
1240
00:59:14,634 --> 00:59:15,843
[laughter]
1241
00:59:15,927 --> 00:59:17,387
Who's butch?
1242
00:59:18,137 --> 00:59:19,806
I'm butch!
1243
00:59:19,889 --> 00:59:21,432
[cheering and applause]
1244
00:59:30,483 --> 00:59:36,114
And the best part is, you guys,
they did, in fact, save Biggie's life.
1245
00:59:36,197 --> 00:59:37,574
[cheering]
1246
00:59:38,241 --> 00:59:39,409
Who's that?
1247
00:59:39,492 --> 00:59:41,244
[loud cheering]
1248
00:59:45,373 --> 00:59:47,458
This is Biggie, everybody!
1249
00:59:47,542 --> 00:59:49,085
[cheering]
1250
00:59:50,837 --> 00:59:55,633
Worth every single penny
right here, you guys.
1251
00:59:55,717 --> 00:59:56,926
[cheering]
1252
00:59:57,010 --> 01:00:01,014
And give it up, everybody,
for my wife, Jax!
1253
01:00:01,097 --> 01:00:03,099
[cheering and applause]
1254
01:00:15,820 --> 01:00:17,447
That's it from me, everybody.
1255
01:00:17,530 --> 01:00:19,949
Thank you so much.
1256
01:00:20,033 --> 01:00:21,534
[cheering and applause]
1257
01:00:21,618 --> 01:00:23,286
Aw, thank you, guys.
1258
01:00:25,622 --> 01:00:27,290
Thank you, Chicago!
1259
01:00:27,373 --> 01:00:28,958
[cheering continues]
1260
01:00:29,042 --> 01:00:31,044
[upbeat music plays]
1261
01:00:32,211 --> 01:00:33,379
Look at that.
1262
01:00:36,090 --> 01:00:37,800
Goodnight, you guys. Thank you.
1263
01:00:37,884 --> 01:00:39,802
[cheering continues]
1264
01:00:39,886 --> 01:00:42,263
[upbeat music continues]
1265
01:00:43,598 --> 01:00:46,225
♪ You know we like to keep it lowkey ♪
1266
01:00:46,309 --> 01:00:48,353
♪ Windows down, feel the breeze ♪
1267
01:00:48,436 --> 01:00:49,812
♪ No cares, no worries ♪
1268
01:00:49,896 --> 01:00:51,397
♪ Just you and me ♪
1269
01:00:52,440 --> 01:00:54,817
♪ You and I, we don't have to try ♪
1270
01:00:54,901 --> 01:00:56,903
♪ We just work, can't deny ♪
1271
01:00:56,986 --> 01:01:00,073
♪ I know you'll stay by my side
Ride or die ♪
1272
01:01:00,156 --> 01:01:01,824
♪ It's feeling good ♪
1273
01:01:04,452 --> 01:01:05,995
♪ It's feeling good ♪
1274
01:01:08,665 --> 01:01:11,959
♪ it's feeling good, good, good ♪
1275
01:01:12,752 --> 01:01:16,130
♪ Good, good, good, good ♪
1276
01:01:17,256 --> 01:01:20,551
♪ It's feeling good, good, good ♪
1277
01:01:21,386 --> 01:01:24,639
♪ Good, good, good, good ♪
1278
01:01:42,990 --> 01:01:44,409
♪ It's feeling good ♪