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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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["Soul Man" by The Blues Brothers plays]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[audience cheering and applauding]

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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome

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Tom Papa!

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[cheering and applause
increases in intensity]

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♪ Good lovin' ♪

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♪ I got a truckload ♪

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♪ And when you get it ♪

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♪ You got something ♪

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♪ So don't worry ♪

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♪ 'Cause I'm coming ♪

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♪ I'm a soul man ♪

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Wow.

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Look at you.

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Look at you.

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-[audience cheers]
-[Tom chuckles]

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DC, thank you so much for coming out.

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[cheering and applause]

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So nice.

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Love this town. It's hilarious here.

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[audience laughing]

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[Tom laughs]

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Keeps getting funnier every year.

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[Tom and audience laugh]

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I'm, uh, happy to be here.

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I've been going through
some changes at my house.

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We, uh, dropped off my last daughter,
my last child, my youngest,

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off at college.

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And they're all gone now,

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and nobody tells you
how hard it's gonna be

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pretending to be sad.

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[audience laughing]

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[applause]

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[cheering and applause]

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Not one tear. Not one tear.

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[audience laughs]

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[laughs] I really thought
I was gonna cry. I feel so bad.

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[audience laughs]

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But I think I might be happier
than I've ever been.

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[audience laughing]

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[Tom laughs]

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And it's all right, you know.
We did all the things.

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We did all the things.

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Look, I love her to death.
I love both of them. I love 'em to death.

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But, you know,
we had a good run. It's over.

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[audience laughing]

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They want me to be happy.

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You don't want to think your dad's home,
in your empty room, crying his eyes out.

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You want to think he's all right,
moving on with his life, microdosing,

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and watching Rick and Morty by himself.

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[audience laughing]

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That's what I'm doing.

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-[laughs] Yeah.
-[audience cheering]

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Yeah.

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Because I have freedom now.
I never had freedom before.

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When I was little, I don't know
if you're like me, but when I was a child,

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they made me live with my parents.

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[audience laughing]

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And I couldn't drink stuff or smoke stuff
'cause they were always around.

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And then when I got away from them,
I made my own family.

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Nobody tells you, when you have kids,
your children become your new parents.

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[audience laughs]

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And you can't drink stuff or smoke stuff

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because they're always around.

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And they can't keep a secret.

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[audience laughing]

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But now, for the first time,
they're all gone,

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and I'm doing all the stuff.

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[audience laughs]

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I can have martinis
in the middle of the afternoon.

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[audience cheers]

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Yes.

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[cheering and applause]

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Because I know no one's
gonna call me out of the blue

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and ask for a ride home from karate.

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[audience laughs]

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[laughs] There were a lot of years

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I did very questionable driving
at 4:00 in the afternoon.

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[deep breath]

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"I got her. I'll get them."

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[audience laughing]

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[sighs]

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I don't even wear clothes there anymore.

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[audience laughs]

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What's the point? My wife leaves for work
in the morning, pants off.

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The dogs are so happy.
They're like, "You're one of us now."

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-"Ah!"
-[audience laughing]

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[laughs] Rolling around in the backyard,
my dog's just looking at me.

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"Rub your ass on this tree. It's amazing."

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[audience laughing]

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[chuckles] And she's right. It is.

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[audience laughing]

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It's a special tree.

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[Tom and audience laugh]

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But I'll be honest with you, folks.
I'll be honest. It almost killed us.

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It almost killed us.

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Raising kids is no joke. It's no joke.

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If you don't have children, people
approach you all the time very flippantly.

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"When are you gonna do it?
You should have kids."

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"When are you gonna have kids?"

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No. You should think long and hard
about whether you're gonna have kids.

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You should have seen me
before this experiment.

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[audience laughs]

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I was skinny. I had long curly hair.

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[audience laughing]

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And I could see. I could see.

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[audience laughing]

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I used to have eyes like an eagle.
Now I have eyes like a crab.

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[audience laughing]

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My wife and I are just husks.
We're just brittle husks of what we were.

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We'll be in the kitchen some days.

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She'll be like, "We could fool around
right here. No one would ever know."

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I'm like, "Yeah, we could."

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[audience laughing]

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"Or we could just lie down
on this cold floor for a while

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and shut our eyes."

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"It's really nice down here."

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"We're not dying. We're just resting."

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[audience laughing]

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I really can't see anymore.
Not all the time.

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Just when I'm driving at night
with other cars around.

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-[audience laughing]
-[Tom laughs]

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There's a lot coming at me.
It's like a fireworks display out there.

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I'm like, "I guess I'll just aim
for the dark part in the middle."

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[audience laughing]

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Mistaking a lot of garbage cans
for people at night.

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-"Oh!"
-[audience laughing]

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[laughs] "Why is everybody out tonight?"

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[audience laughing]

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"They're not. It's just recycle day.
You're all right."

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You've just got to get smart with it.
You have to adapt.

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I'm using the curbs now.

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[audience laughing]

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[laughs] That's why they're there.

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I just ricochet my way back to the house.

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-[audience laughing]
-[Tom chuckles]

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But it is a real treat. It is.

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Like, I can go back to being
who I was before all of this. You know?

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When you have kids,
you have to pretend you're Superman.

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You have children looking for protection.
And you don't have new skills.

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They just kicked you out of the hospital.
"Good luck." No instructions.

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You know? And… and I wasn't Superman.

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And now that they're older,
I can admit, I'm just a guy.

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And they know now
that they're lucky to be alive.

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[audience laughing]

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A lot of times, when I was a young father,
I wanted to cry. But you can't, you know?

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I didn't want my kids
coming home from school,

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seeing me at the kitchen table,
just sobbing.

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[sobs]

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"Dad, what's wrong?"

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"Everything! Everything!"

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[audience laughing]

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"I can't figure any of this out."

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[audience laughing]

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"I don't have any money.
Do you have money?"

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[audience laughing]

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"I saw a birthday card on the counter.
Don't lie to me."

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[audience laughing]

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[Tom chuckles]

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You can't be honest with them
when they're little.

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"Dad, are there really monsters?"

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"I don't know. Probably."

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[audience laughing]

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"I feel it sometimes. Don't you feel it?"

167
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[audience laughing]

168
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"Sometimes I think I hear it."

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"Do you ever hear them in the attic?
What is that?"

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[audience laughing]

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[laughing] You can't say that.

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When they come to breakfast,

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"Thank God you're alive!
I didn't think you were gonna make it."

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[audience laughing]

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"I thought I heard chewing last night.
I thought it was you."

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[audience laughing]

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Now I can be honest. You know?
I don't like the dark. I tell them.

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No, I don't like the dark.

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I don't think anyone likes the dark.
You don't like the dark. No, it's scary.

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In our utility room,
we have this door that's on a spring.

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As soon as you get in off the garage,
where we store all the stuff.

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And the door closes automatically
as soon as you get in there.

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But the switch is on the opposite wall
in these shelves.

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And it's too long. It's too far.

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You can't…

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I can't keep it open with my foot,
so you got to nail it.

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And you go for it. Sometimes there's
an Easter basket, or… ah!

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[audience laughing]

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And it closes, and it's dark.

190
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Oh!

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Whatever has been chasing me
my whole life is like, "Gotcha!"

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[audience laughing]

193
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I couldn't admit that
when they were little.

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I'd tuck in these two little girls,
these two beautiful angels.

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"Good night, girls.
I'll see you in the morning."

196
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"Good night, Dad."

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"Can you keep the light on?
It's scary in the dark."

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"No, no, no."

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[audience laughing]

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"Come on.
There's nothing to be afraid of."

201
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"I'll see you in the morning."

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[audience laughing]

203
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Then I run to my room
and turn everything on.

204
00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:38,601
[audience laughing]

205
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[breathing heavily]

206
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'Cause it's scary in the dark,
and I knew it was scary,

207
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because I could hear their whimpering
down the hallway.

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[audience laughing]

209
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For hours.

210
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[cheering and applause]

211
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We did one of those DNA tests
before they left.

212
00:08:58,037 --> 00:09:01,791
[audience laughing]

213
00:09:01,874 --> 00:09:04,418
I highly recommend it.
I really do. I really do.

214
00:09:04,502 --> 00:09:07,922
I know it's a little sketchy, 'cause you
gotta give your DNA away to a corporation.

215
00:09:08,005 --> 00:09:10,925
And they're not gonna do
anything great with it, for sure.

216
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No, they're definitely gonna
clone us in the future.

217
00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:16,973
But who cares? We'll be dead.
I think it's kind of exciting.

218
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Right? A bunch of us
fighting robots in the future.

219
00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:21,185
That's exciting, right?

220
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Six of you running through a wheat field,
with no private parts.

221
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[groaning] "Ah!"

222
00:09:25,147 --> 00:09:27,275
[audience laughing]

223
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Long hair like you never had.

224
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[moans] "Ah!"

225
00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:32,780
Learning karate and eating squirrel meat.

226
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It's exciting!

227
00:09:33,906 --> 00:09:35,908
[laughter]

228
00:09:36,867 --> 00:09:38,244
But in the short-term,

229
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not only do you find out
your family heritage, I expected that,

230
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:46,502
but you also find out
all your family secrets.

231
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I wasn't expecting that.
That's very exciting.

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All the secrets come out
when DNA shows up.

233
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There's no hiding it.

234
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DNA is like the drunk uncle
who comes to Christmas for the first time.

235
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He's like, "Wait a minute.
You think that's your real dad?"

236
00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:04,395
[audience laughing]

237
00:10:05,771 --> 00:10:08,149
"Have I got a story for you!"

238
00:10:08,232 --> 00:10:10,151
[audience laughs]

239
00:10:10,234 --> 00:10:13,404
We knew, in my family,
we were gonna be mostly Italian,

240
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and a little German
that we don't talk about.

241
00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:17,658
[audience laughing]

242
00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:21,245
When it came back, we were mostly Italian,
a little German, and a little French.

243
00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:22,580
A little French thrown in.

244
00:10:22,663 --> 00:10:25,291
I called my mother.
I said, "What's with the French?"

245
00:10:25,374 --> 00:10:27,084
She said, "Oh, secret's out!"

246
00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:29,629
"Your grandmother was a whore."

247
00:10:29,712 --> 00:10:32,465
[audience roaring with laughter]

248
00:10:36,135 --> 00:10:37,303
[audience member] Whoo!

249
00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:42,433
"I'm sorry. What did you call Nana?"

250
00:10:42,516 --> 00:10:44,518
[audience laughing]

251
00:10:45,811 --> 00:10:49,565
"Yep, she was a whore, all right.
Slept her way through Europe."

252
00:10:50,107 --> 00:10:52,985
"That's why you have weird eyebrows
and your uncle's gay."

253
00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:55,404
[audience laughing]

254
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:57,782
I don't think that's how it works.

255
00:10:57,865 --> 00:10:59,825
[audience laughs]

256
00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:01,952
No more secrets. No more secrets.

257
00:11:02,036 --> 00:11:05,081
DNA and social media.
You know, I tour all over the country.

258
00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:07,667
People do their research,
and they show up once in a while.

259
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:09,210
"I think we're related."

260
00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:11,962
And I'll call my mother. "Who's Holly?"

261
00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:13,172
"What do you know?"

262
00:11:13,255 --> 00:11:15,466
[audience laughing]

263
00:11:15,549 --> 00:11:17,843
"I know there's a middle-aged woman
in Tampa

264
00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:19,679
who wants to come to Thanksgiving."

265
00:11:20,554 --> 00:11:22,515
"And she looks a lot like Dad!"

266
00:11:22,598 --> 00:11:23,933
[audience laughing]

267
00:11:24,016 --> 00:11:25,643
"Oh, shit. She found us."

268
00:11:25,726 --> 00:11:27,728
[audience laughing]

269
00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:36,529
Families had secrets, for generations.
Long, deep secrets. Families kept secrets.

270
00:11:36,612 --> 00:11:39,448
Anything that embarrassed them
in front of the neighbors,

271
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:42,451
anything they didn't understand,
that made them uncomfortable,

272
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,870
they would just lie about it
or stick it in the attic.

273
00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:48,124
Just stick it in the attic.
Unwanted baby? Put it in the attic.

274
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:49,166
[audience laughing]

275
00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:52,253
Undiagnosed ADHD? Get her in the attic.

276
00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:56,257
"Is that your boy with a stutter?"
"What boy?" Put him in the attic.

277
00:11:56,340 --> 00:11:57,383
[audience laughing]

278
00:11:57,466 --> 00:12:00,052
All over America,
kids looking out of attic windows.

279
00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:02,763
"Where's everybody g-g-g-g-going?"

280
00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:05,433
[audience laughing]

281
00:12:08,769 --> 00:12:11,063
"I want a b-b-backpack too!"

282
00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:13,149
[audience laughing]

283
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:15,443
[Tom chuckles]

284
00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:16,610
It's so sad.

285
00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:21,240
And as a child, if you had an inkling
about a family secret,

286
00:12:21,323 --> 00:12:24,785
and you asked the elders about it,
they'd lie right to your face.

287
00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:26,620
"Who's that man living in the garage?"

288
00:12:26,704 --> 00:12:27,663
"What man?"

289
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:29,290
[audience laughing]

290
00:12:29,373 --> 00:12:31,834
"There's a man out there.
He's been there for quite some time."

291
00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:33,002
"There's no man out there."

292
00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:34,545
"Yes, there is." "Shut up!"

293
00:12:34,628 --> 00:12:36,297
[audience laughing]

294
00:12:36,380 --> 00:12:39,341
What a great time to be a parent,
by the way. Could you imagine?

295
00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:43,095
There was a time you could tell
your kids to shut up, right to their face.

296
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:44,638
[audience laughing]

297
00:12:44,722 --> 00:12:47,892
[cheering and applause]

298
00:12:47,975 --> 00:12:50,019
No long conversations.

299
00:12:50,102 --> 00:12:52,188
No explanations.

300
00:12:52,271 --> 00:12:53,689
Just "shut up!"

301
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:54,690
[audience laughs]

302
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:57,234
How much easier would that have been?

303
00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:58,486
[audience laughs]

304
00:12:58,569 --> 00:12:59,987
"Why is the sun hot?"

305
00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:02,364
"I don't know. Why don't you shut up?"

306
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:04,492
[audience laughing]

307
00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:08,621
"Well, that was uncalled-for."

308
00:13:08,704 --> 00:13:10,581
[audience laughs]

309
00:13:11,415 --> 00:13:13,501
Even easier to be a father back then.

310
00:13:13,584 --> 00:13:15,920
You weren't even considered
one of the parents.

311
00:13:16,003 --> 00:13:18,005
[audience laughing]

312
00:13:20,257 --> 00:13:23,093
You just had to show up
and hit everyone once in a while.

313
00:13:23,177 --> 00:13:25,179
[audience laughing]

314
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:30,851
My father would act like we were strangers
who just broke into the TV room.

315
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:35,689
"Where the hell did these kids come from?
Get them out of here!"

316
00:13:35,773 --> 00:13:38,984
My mother would come.
"Leave your father alone. He works hard."

317
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:42,029
"We were just playing."
"Well, now you're just shutting up."

318
00:13:42,112 --> 00:13:44,323
[audience laughs]

319
00:13:44,406 --> 00:13:45,574
[Tom chuckles]

320
00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:47,952
It was a different time.

321
00:13:48,869 --> 00:13:50,830
We had an uncle
who couldn't take it anymore.

322
00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:54,416
He just stood up in the middle of dinner
and just walked out the front door.

323
00:13:54,917 --> 00:13:58,003
And didn't come back.
Just left my aunt and my cousins behind.

324
00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:01,131
And just left.
We were like, "Where's Uncle Bob?"

325
00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:04,802
And they lied right to our face.
They said he went to Siberia.

326
00:14:04,885 --> 00:14:06,804
[audience laughing]

327
00:14:06,887 --> 00:14:08,222
He wasn't in Siberia.

328
00:14:08,305 --> 00:14:11,433
He went to his girlfriend's apartment
in the same town

329
00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:13,936
and lived there for two years.

330
00:14:14,603 --> 00:14:16,689
In the same town.

331
00:14:16,772 --> 00:14:18,732
We'd see him around.

332
00:14:18,816 --> 00:14:21,318
[audience laughing]

333
00:14:23,487 --> 00:14:25,906
We'd be in the supermarket.
"Is that Uncle Bob?"

334
00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:27,116
[audience laughs]

335
00:14:27,199 --> 00:14:29,577
"No, that son of a bitch is in Siberia."

336
00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:31,620
[audience laughing]

337
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:33,163
"Looks a lot like Uncle Bob."

338
00:14:33,247 --> 00:14:35,207
"Looks like you're gonna
shut the hell up."

339
00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:37,293
[laughter and applause]

340
00:14:38,168 --> 00:14:39,253
[Tom chuckles]

341
00:14:41,088 --> 00:14:44,466
And then one day, he just walked back in,
sat down, and kept eating.

342
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:45,634
[audience laughs]

343
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:49,471
Like nothing ever happened.
We were like, "How was Siberia?"

344
00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:52,016
He was like, "That wasn't her name."

345
00:14:52,099 --> 00:14:55,144
[audience roars with laughter]

346
00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:57,021
[applause]

347
00:14:57,104 --> 00:15:01,233
[cheering and applause]

348
00:15:03,944 --> 00:15:05,154
[Tom chuckles]

349
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:07,990
Things are better now.

350
00:15:08,073 --> 00:15:10,576
I think with the truth coming out,
things are better.

351
00:15:10,659 --> 00:15:14,371
We're actually helping people,
not sticking things in the attic anymore.

352
00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:17,166
We're dealing with mental health,
helping each other out.

353
00:15:17,249 --> 00:15:18,667
It's a much nicer time.

354
00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:20,669
Everyone's going to therapy.
Good for you.

355
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:24,548
If you need someone to talk to
and you go to therapy, good for you.

356
00:15:25,716 --> 00:15:27,885
I'm not going, but good for you!

357
00:15:27,968 --> 00:15:29,637
-[audience laughing]
-[Tom laughs]

358
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:32,097
I'm not right.
There's a lot needs to be fixed.

359
00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:33,641
But I'm having a good time.

360
00:15:34,433 --> 00:15:37,686
And I know if I go to therapy,
they're gonna stop it.

361
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,688
[audience laughing]

362
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,982
[applause]

363
00:15:43,150 --> 00:15:45,736
-[cheering and applause]
-[Tom laughs]

364
00:15:49,823 --> 00:15:53,077
I know what's wrong with me.
I eat too much, and I drink too much.

365
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:54,828
"Don't you want to find out why?"

366
00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:56,246
[chuckles] I know why.

367
00:15:56,997 --> 00:15:59,333
Life is hard, and that stuff's fun to do.

368
00:15:59,416 --> 00:16:01,418
[audience laughing]

369
00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:05,756
[chuckles] We all got stuff.
Everyone's dealing with stuff.

370
00:16:05,839 --> 00:16:07,800
Everybody in here's got something.

371
00:16:07,883 --> 00:16:09,218
I still shoplift.

372
00:16:09,301 --> 00:16:11,929
[surprised laughter]

373
00:16:12,012 --> 00:16:13,430
[laughing] I do.

374
00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:15,099
You should do it too. It's fun.

375
00:16:15,182 --> 00:16:16,684
[audience laughing]

376
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:18,560
[Tom laughs]

377
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:22,731
You know when you're a kid and you steal?
I never got caught, and I'm still going.

378
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,108
[audience laughing]

379
00:16:24,191 --> 00:16:25,985
Yeah, I'm undefeated.

380
00:16:26,068 --> 00:16:28,070
[audience laughing]

381
00:16:29,029 --> 00:16:30,531
Not big stuff. I'm not an ass.

382
00:16:30,614 --> 00:16:33,909
Little stuff, like dental floss and candy.
Stuff like that.

383
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:36,996
Stuff we shouldn't have to pay for
in the first place.

384
00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:41,375
[laughs] You know what I mean?
Pens? I'm not paying for pens.

385
00:16:42,126 --> 00:16:45,379
I'm not giving you money for pens.
I steal pens.

386
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,798
CVS, Walgreens…

387
00:16:47,881 --> 00:16:50,342
You. If we're hanging out,
I would get your pen.

388
00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:52,386
[audience laughing]

389
00:16:53,053 --> 00:16:54,304
Try it. It's really fun.

390
00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:57,099
Especially as an adult,
they don't really mess with you.

391
00:16:57,182 --> 00:16:59,768
Some 16-year-old manager of a CVS

392
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:02,354
sees you sticking a Blow Pop
in your pocket.

393
00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:04,189
"I don't have time for this shit!"

394
00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:06,817
-[audience laughing]
-[sighs]

395
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:09,695
"Call the cops on my principal?
This is ridiculous."

396
00:17:09,778 --> 00:17:11,780
[audience laughing]

397
00:17:13,657 --> 00:17:17,119
The older I get,
the more I'm gonna steal, for sure.

398
00:17:17,202 --> 00:17:18,245
[audience laughs]

399
00:17:18,328 --> 00:17:21,415
Oh yeah, when I'm 80,
that's all I'm gonna do.

400
00:17:21,498 --> 00:17:22,458
[audience laughs]

401
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:26,503
Wake up in the morning, have coffee,
go to Best Buy and roll that place.

402
00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:28,589
[audience laughing]

403
00:17:31,216 --> 00:17:34,344
"He's back! What's he got this time?
Looks like a PlayStation."

404
00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:37,014
[audience laughing]

405
00:17:37,097 --> 00:17:39,433
[applause]

406
00:17:41,685 --> 00:17:44,563
"Should we take it back?"
"No, follow him to his car."

407
00:17:44,646 --> 00:17:47,399
"He falls asleep before he turns it on.
He'll be all right."

408
00:17:47,483 --> 00:17:49,651
-[audience laughing]
-[Tom chuckles]

409
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:52,362
Oh.

410
00:17:53,405 --> 00:17:57,618
Helping kids now, that's better, you know?
Helping kids out, that's a good thing.

411
00:17:57,701 --> 00:18:02,414
When people have little problems,
great teachers are helping them out.

412
00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:05,125
We didn't have that. When I was a kid,
we didn't have great teachers.

413
00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:06,418
They were a hot mess.

414
00:18:07,044 --> 00:18:09,171
They had no answers for us.
They just called me hyper.

415
00:18:09,254 --> 00:18:10,881
That's what they would tell my parents.

416
00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:13,300
Every back-to-school night.
"This kid's hyper."

417
00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:16,553
"He talks all day
and makes friends in the middle of class."

418
00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:18,931
Oh! We got to stop that shit immediately.

419
00:18:19,014 --> 00:18:19,973
[audience laughs]

420
00:18:20,057 --> 00:18:22,434
[laughs] They would show up,
adjust their wigs,

421
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:24,937
do a shot of Jack Daniel's,
and throw shit at us.

422
00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:25,896
[audience laughs]

423
00:18:25,979 --> 00:18:28,649
They were always throwing stuff at us.
Erasers, chalk…

424
00:18:28,732 --> 00:18:31,360
My best friend got hit in the head
with a dictionary.

425
00:18:32,027 --> 00:18:33,612
Yeah, right in his head.

426
00:18:33,695 --> 00:18:36,281
We didn't need Adderall. We were focused.

427
00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:38,951
[audience laughing]

428
00:18:39,034 --> 00:18:41,703
[applause]

429
00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:44,039
[laughs] Our lives depended on it.

430
00:18:45,874 --> 00:18:49,044
We had a Spanish teacher.
She used to come in so hungover,

431
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:52,089
there was a 50% chance
her boobs would pop out.

432
00:18:52,172 --> 00:18:53,257
[audience laughing]

433
00:18:53,340 --> 00:18:55,592
[laughs] We were focused.

434
00:18:55,676 --> 00:18:57,886
[audience laughing]

435
00:18:58,887 --> 00:19:00,681
Muy bien! Muy bien!

436
00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:02,766
[audience laughing]

437
00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:07,813
[Tom laughs]

438
00:19:10,023 --> 00:19:12,776
If you do go to therapy,
just know, you're gonna go forever.

439
00:19:12,860 --> 00:19:14,153
You gotta go forever.

440
00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:16,613
Because we don't get fixed.
There's no fixing this.

441
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:20,409
I've never had a friend come up,
"Last day of therapy. I'm all better now."

442
00:19:20,492 --> 00:19:22,119
[audience laughing]

443
00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:24,496
[laughs] It doesn't work like that.

444
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:26,123
We're not-- We're physical beings.

445
00:19:26,206 --> 00:19:28,375
We're constantly changing,
constantly changing,

446
00:19:28,458 --> 00:19:30,043
evolving, and decaying.

447
00:19:30,127 --> 00:19:31,336
That affects you physically,

448
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:34,548
and that affects your emotions,
minute to minute, second to second.

449
00:19:34,631 --> 00:19:36,425
You can't pay
that much attention to yourself.

450
00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:38,719
We're an ongoing project.

451
00:19:38,802 --> 00:19:41,513
Sometimes I really think
my whole emotional makeup

452
00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:44,349
is completely dependent
on what I ate that day.

453
00:19:45,350 --> 00:19:46,643
Ever had one of those days?

454
00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:49,146
"Cool Ranch Doritos?
I haven't had those in a while."

455
00:19:49,229 --> 00:19:50,939
[munching]

456
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:54,234
And a half hour later, I'm like,
"I think I'm gonna kill myself."

457
00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:56,320
[audience laughing]

458
00:19:58,822 --> 00:20:00,866
"Why are my eyes hot? I feel weird."

459
00:20:00,949 --> 00:20:02,242
[audience laughing]

460
00:20:05,996 --> 00:20:06,830
Always changing.

461
00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:09,249
I don't know any of you,
but I know for a fact,

462
00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:12,628
you're slightly different now
than when we started the show.

463
00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:14,963
Right? The weed's wearing off.

464
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:15,964
[audience laughs]

465
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:17,507
The alcohol's kicking in.

466
00:20:17,591 --> 00:20:20,260
Some of you didn't get a chance to eat
and you're all cranky.

467
00:20:20,344 --> 00:20:23,764
Some ate too much. Now you're all gassy
and offending your neighbors.

468
00:20:23,847 --> 00:20:24,765
[audience laughs]

469
00:20:24,848 --> 00:20:27,392
Some of you are jammed in the middle.
You thought about peeing?

470
00:20:27,476 --> 00:20:30,312
You really should have peed.
You really should have peed.

471
00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:31,396
[audience laughs]

472
00:20:32,272 --> 00:20:34,316
[Tom laughs]

473
00:20:36,485 --> 00:20:38,403
We're not supposed to be happy
all the time.

474
00:20:38,487 --> 00:20:39,780
Don't put pressure on yourself.

475
00:20:39,863 --> 00:20:42,783
Don't feel like you're less than
because you're not happy all the time.

476
00:20:42,866 --> 00:20:45,702
That's a lie.
That's a social media construct.

477
00:20:45,786 --> 00:20:47,746
We're not supposed
to be happy all the time.

478
00:20:47,829 --> 00:20:50,415
Happy's like a coke spike.
It's like way up there.

479
00:20:50,499 --> 00:20:52,209
You know? No one's happy all the time.

480
00:20:52,292 --> 00:20:55,545
Clowns are happy all the time,
and they freak everybody out.

481
00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:57,089
[audience laughing]

482
00:20:57,172 --> 00:20:58,799
Walking around with permanent smiles.

483
00:20:58,882 --> 00:21:02,427
'Cause they're killing things at night
and thinking about it during the day.

484
00:21:02,511 --> 00:21:04,054
[audience laughing]

485
00:21:06,765 --> 00:21:08,934
We're not supposed
to be happy all the time.

486
00:21:09,017 --> 00:21:11,937
Happy's way up here.
Joyful, you should be joyful.

487
00:21:12,020 --> 00:21:15,732
But that's down here. That's down here.
Joy is right down there.

488
00:21:15,816 --> 00:21:17,734
And depressed, right under it.

489
00:21:17,818 --> 00:21:20,195
-[audience laughing]
-Right there. Right there.

490
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:22,322
So close to joy, and all day long,

491
00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:24,783
just "Zim, zam, zim, zam, zim."

492
00:21:24,866 --> 00:21:25,742
[exclaims]

493
00:21:25,826 --> 00:21:28,704
"Zim, zam, zim."
-[audience laughing]

494
00:21:28,787 --> 00:21:30,998
There'd be no comedy
if we were happy all the time.

495
00:21:31,081 --> 00:21:34,209
We wouldn't be here right now.
This is how it works.

496
00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:36,295
You come in,
we laugh for a couple of hours.

497
00:21:36,378 --> 00:21:38,922
As soon as it's done,
right back to Shitsville!

498
00:21:39,006 --> 00:21:41,591
[audience laughing]

499
00:21:41,675 --> 00:21:44,636
[laughs] Yeah.
That's what I called your life.

500
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:45,762
Shitsville.

501
00:21:45,846 --> 00:21:47,764
-[applause]
-[Tom laughs]

502
00:21:47,848 --> 00:21:49,641
It's all right. I live there too.

503
00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:50,684
[audience laughs]

504
00:21:50,767 --> 00:21:52,269
[Tom laughs]

505
00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:55,188
Not supposed to be happy all the time.

506
00:21:55,272 --> 00:21:57,524
Think about all the paintings
in all the great museums

507
00:21:57,607 --> 00:22:00,152
of all the great people
who came before us, right?

508
00:22:00,235 --> 00:22:02,070
Queen Elizabeth, Joan of Arc,

509
00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:04,197
Washington, Jesus.

510
00:22:04,281 --> 00:22:06,950
Not one smile. You ever notice that?

511
00:22:07,034 --> 00:22:08,493
No one is smiling.

512
00:22:08,577 --> 00:22:11,496
There's no paintings
of Lincoln and his bros, like…

513
00:22:11,580 --> 00:22:13,665
[audience laughing]

514
00:22:16,626 --> 00:22:19,963
One famous smile, the Mona Lisa,
and it's a shit smile.

515
00:22:20,047 --> 00:22:21,214
[audience laughing]

516
00:22:21,298 --> 00:22:23,175
That's the kind of smile
you give to someone

517
00:22:23,258 --> 00:22:25,761
when they get on your elevator
at the last minute.

518
00:22:25,844 --> 00:22:28,180
[audience laughing]

519
00:22:28,263 --> 00:22:31,600
[applause]

520
00:22:31,683 --> 00:22:33,560
"Couldn't wait? Couldn't wait? Okay."

521
00:22:34,519 --> 00:22:37,397
"Now you're pressing all the buttons.
Great. Nice to have you."

522
00:22:37,481 --> 00:22:39,566
[audience laughing]

523
00:22:39,649 --> 00:22:43,362
Sometimes you just need perspective,
to know that you're doing all right.

524
00:22:43,445 --> 00:22:44,529
You know?

525
00:22:44,613 --> 00:22:46,948
I go to shitty bars. You ever do that?

526
00:22:47,032 --> 00:22:48,367
Every town's got one.

527
00:22:48,450 --> 00:22:49,701
Do it. Do it.

528
00:22:49,785 --> 00:22:51,703
You know the bar I'm talking about.

529
00:22:51,787 --> 00:22:55,582
It's weird, no windows.
There's just one porthole on the door.

530
00:22:56,083 --> 00:22:57,959
You never see anyone go in or out.

531
00:22:58,043 --> 00:23:00,379
The door has padding on it,
for some reason.

532
00:23:00,462 --> 00:23:03,215
Go in there. Go in there
in the middle of the afternoon

533
00:23:03,298 --> 00:23:06,802
and buy drinks for the 80-year-old guy
sitting at that little crummy bar,

534
00:23:06,885 --> 00:23:09,513
under the saddest Christmas lights
of all time.

535
00:23:09,596 --> 00:23:12,057
They've been hanging there since 1937.

536
00:23:12,140 --> 00:23:13,475
[audience laughs]

537
00:23:13,558 --> 00:23:16,103
Buy that guy some drinks.
No one knows his name.

538
00:23:16,186 --> 00:23:19,398
They call him Popeye,
but nobody really knows his name.

539
00:23:19,481 --> 00:23:20,482
Listen to his stories.

540
00:23:20,565 --> 00:23:23,985
How he fought in every war,
lost money in every recession,

541
00:23:24,069 --> 00:23:26,321
has every STD known to man.

542
00:23:26,988 --> 00:23:29,282
After an hour of that,
you come back out into the light.

543
00:23:29,366 --> 00:23:31,243
You're like, "I think I can do this."

544
00:23:31,326 --> 00:23:32,953
[audience laughing]

545
00:23:33,036 --> 00:23:34,579
[exhales]

546
00:23:34,663 --> 00:23:36,456
"I'm gonna be all right."

547
00:23:36,540 --> 00:23:39,584
[cheering and applause]

548
00:23:46,675 --> 00:23:49,386
It's hard to feel good.
It's hard to feel good.

549
00:23:49,469 --> 00:23:51,179
I don't feel that great right now.

550
00:23:52,139 --> 00:23:54,724
Do you? I'm having a great time,
but I don't feel good.

551
00:23:54,808 --> 00:23:56,309
Do you feel good? No.

552
00:23:56,393 --> 00:23:58,520
Yeah. You feel fat. We all feel fat.

553
00:23:58,603 --> 00:24:01,523
-[audience laughing]
-[Tom laughs]

554
00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:03,984
Yeah. Not fat, puffy, puffy.

555
00:24:04,067 --> 00:24:05,902
-Definitely puffy.
-[audience laughs]

556
00:24:05,986 --> 00:24:08,405
We could totally pee this out.
Don't you think?

557
00:24:08,488 --> 00:24:10,740
We could totally pee it.
It's just water weight.

558
00:24:10,824 --> 00:24:15,787
Water mixed with adult chicken fingers,
and mac and cheese bites,

559
00:24:15,871 --> 00:24:19,583
and ice cream we eat standing up
in the kitchen when our family's asleep.

560
00:24:19,666 --> 00:24:22,752
-[audience laughing]
-[Tom laughs]

561
00:24:22,836 --> 00:24:24,754
No, you don't need me calling you fat.

562
00:24:25,380 --> 00:24:26,965
You know what's wrong with you.

563
00:24:27,048 --> 00:24:29,718
[audience laughing]

564
00:24:29,801 --> 00:24:32,304
Might not be fat, might not be fat,
but there's something.

565
00:24:32,387 --> 00:24:34,806
There's something you don't like
about you. We all carry it.

566
00:24:34,890 --> 00:24:37,601
I don't know what it is,
but you're thinking about it right now.

567
00:24:38,101 --> 00:24:39,853
Maybe you got weird love handles.

568
00:24:39,936 --> 00:24:42,481
Maybe a misshapen nipple.
I've seen a lot of those.

569
00:24:42,564 --> 00:24:45,525
The one that keeps wandering off
to the right for no reason.

570
00:24:46,318 --> 00:24:49,321
Everybody's looking this way,
and she keeps going over there.

571
00:24:49,404 --> 00:24:51,740
[audience laughing]

572
00:24:51,823 --> 00:24:56,036
A lot of feet. A lot of feet out there.
A lot of feet. It's feet season out there.

573
00:24:56,119 --> 00:24:58,997
I see 'em at the airport.
A lot of bad feet out there.

574
00:24:59,789 --> 00:25:03,043
A lot of middle-aged women
seem to be evolving right before our eyes,

575
00:25:03,126 --> 00:25:05,545
growing extra toes in real time.

576
00:25:06,213 --> 00:25:10,383
You ever see that? Next to the big toe,
there's a jut that comes out at the side.

577
00:25:10,467 --> 00:25:13,345
[imitates a monkey whooping]

578
00:25:13,428 --> 00:25:14,930
[audience laughing]

579
00:25:15,013 --> 00:25:18,517
Looks like it comes in handy at home,
you know, raking the leaves, and…

580
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:19,684
[audience laughing]

581
00:25:19,768 --> 00:25:22,979
…returning emails, and talking
on the phone at the same time.

582
00:25:23,063 --> 00:25:24,147
[audience laughing]

583
00:25:24,231 --> 00:25:26,983
You're in public now.
How about some socks?

584
00:25:27,067 --> 00:25:28,944
[audience laughing]

585
00:25:32,781 --> 00:25:34,449
We torture ourselves. It's our brains.

586
00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:35,951
I think our brain's main objective

587
00:25:36,034 --> 00:25:39,871
is to collect insults hurled at us
throughout our life, store them,

588
00:25:39,955 --> 00:25:42,707
and play them over and over
in a loop until we're dead.

589
00:25:42,791 --> 00:25:43,750
[audience laughs]

590
00:25:43,833 --> 00:25:46,336
And even then, I bet it doesn't stop.

591
00:25:46,419 --> 00:25:47,754
I bet it doesn't stop.

592
00:25:47,837 --> 00:25:50,507
I bet I'll be looking at myself
in the coffin at the end,

593
00:25:50,590 --> 00:25:52,801
"Oh, I am disgusting. Look at me."

594
00:25:52,884 --> 00:25:53,760
[audience laughs]

595
00:25:53,843 --> 00:25:56,930
"Why'd they put me in that tracksuit?
I never wore that."

596
00:25:57,639 --> 00:26:01,017
"How could I be dead
and still look sweaty? I'm the worst."

597
00:26:01,101 --> 00:26:03,103
[audience laughing]

598
00:26:04,145 --> 00:26:05,647
Most of these insults, by the way,

599
00:26:05,730 --> 00:26:08,900
this weird, little, low self-esteem
you have every once in a while,

600
00:26:08,984 --> 00:26:11,027
that's from insults long ago.

601
00:26:11,111 --> 00:26:12,362
This isn't fresh stuff.

602
00:26:12,445 --> 00:26:14,656
This is how long
your brain has held on to it.

603
00:26:14,739 --> 00:26:16,324
No one insults you as an adult.

604
00:26:16,408 --> 00:26:20,996
When's the last time in the supermarket,
someone rolls up, "Nice waddle, fat ass"?

605
00:26:21,079 --> 00:26:23,081
[audience laughing]

606
00:26:25,750 --> 00:26:28,920
Standing behind you at the register.
"You look poor."

607
00:26:29,004 --> 00:26:31,089
[audience laughing]

608
00:26:31,172 --> 00:26:32,966
"I'm shopping for my family."

609
00:26:33,049 --> 00:26:34,426
[audience laughing]

610
00:26:34,509 --> 00:26:38,597
[laughs] It was when you were little,
when you first went to school all excited.

611
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:41,016
"So long, everyone.
I'm going to kindergarten."

612
00:26:41,099 --> 00:26:45,228
And you walked into school all excited,
and the other kids came running up,

613
00:26:45,312 --> 00:26:46,730
"You smell like ham."

614
00:26:46,813 --> 00:26:50,233
[audience laughing]

615
00:26:50,317 --> 00:26:54,112
"Why would you say that?
I'm here to color and make friends."

616
00:26:54,738 --> 00:26:57,032
Thirty years later,
walking through your house,

617
00:26:57,115 --> 00:27:00,368
"I'm not getting that promotion.
Everyone knows I smell like ham."

618
00:27:00,452 --> 00:27:02,579
[audience laughing]

619
00:27:06,958 --> 00:27:09,669
"They're gonna give it to Donna.
Everyone loves Donna."

620
00:27:09,753 --> 00:27:11,129
"She smells like cookies."

621
00:27:11,212 --> 00:27:13,214
[audience laughing]

622
00:27:13,298 --> 00:27:15,967
Only our brains, by the way.
Only our brains.

623
00:27:16,051 --> 00:27:19,763
Other animals don't have this problem.
Your dog doesn't have low self-esteem.

624
00:27:20,263 --> 00:27:22,557
Your dog doesn't call himself
a piece of garbage,

625
00:27:22,641 --> 00:27:25,310
even while he's eating out of the garbage.

626
00:27:25,393 --> 00:27:27,604
[audience laughing]

627
00:27:27,687 --> 00:27:30,815
He doesn't sit on the couch afterwards
and beat himself up.

628
00:27:30,899 --> 00:27:32,692
"What is wrong with me?"

629
00:27:32,776 --> 00:27:33,735
[audience laughing]

630
00:27:33,818 --> 00:27:36,154
"I have got to get my act together."

631
00:27:36,821 --> 00:27:40,492
"I told everyone on New Year's Eve,
'no more garbage'."

632
00:27:40,575 --> 00:27:41,785
[audience laughing]

633
00:27:41,868 --> 00:27:44,371
"I said it in front of a room
full of people."

634
00:27:44,454 --> 00:27:48,083
"They left that door open a crack.
I lost my shit back there."

635
00:27:48,166 --> 00:27:50,627
[audience laughing]

636
00:27:50,710 --> 00:27:52,962
"I can't go for a walk looking like this."

637
00:27:53,046 --> 00:27:55,465
[audience laughing]

638
00:27:55,548 --> 00:27:57,717
No, your dog eats the garbage,
sits on the couch,

639
00:27:57,801 --> 00:27:59,803
"Thank you. I see what you did for me."

640
00:27:59,886 --> 00:28:01,262
[audience laughing]

641
00:28:01,346 --> 00:28:03,348
"Thank you. I love you too."

642
00:28:03,431 --> 00:28:05,725
"I ate it all. I ate it all."

643
00:28:06,351 --> 00:28:08,687
"I even ate the bag. Yes, I did."

644
00:28:08,770 --> 00:28:10,063
[audience laughing]

645
00:28:10,146 --> 00:28:13,358
"Yes, I did. You know why?
Because I'm a good boy."

646
00:28:13,441 --> 00:28:15,527
[audience laughing]

647
00:28:15,610 --> 00:28:18,154
"Yes, I am. I'm a good…" [mimics retching]

648
00:28:18,238 --> 00:28:19,197
"Oh, I'm sorry."

649
00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:20,657
[audience laughing]

650
00:28:20,740 --> 00:28:23,243
"Oh God, I threw it up. I'm so sorry."

651
00:28:23,326 --> 00:28:25,912
"Are you gonna clean that up? No, no, no."

652
00:28:25,995 --> 00:28:27,247
"I'm gonna eat that too."

653
00:28:27,330 --> 00:28:28,915
[audience roars with laughter]

654
00:28:28,998 --> 00:28:30,875
[applause]

655
00:28:33,503 --> 00:28:35,922
"You do for me, I do for you."

656
00:28:36,005 --> 00:28:38,007
[audience laughing]

657
00:28:40,844 --> 00:28:43,263
"I think there's an avocado pit
stuck in my ass."

658
00:28:43,346 --> 00:28:44,931
[audience laughing]

659
00:28:45,014 --> 00:28:47,809
"Don't worry. We'll deal with it
on Wednesday when you're late for work."

660
00:28:47,892 --> 00:28:49,269
"Don't worry about it now."

661
00:28:49,352 --> 00:28:51,312
[audience laughing]

662
00:28:54,315 --> 00:28:55,775
Got to be more like your dog.

663
00:28:56,693 --> 00:28:59,320
Treat yourself
like your dog treats themselves.

664
00:28:59,404 --> 00:29:03,241
Really. Cut yourself some slack.
You know? Don't be so hard on yourself.

665
00:29:03,324 --> 00:29:06,578
What's the objective here, friends?
What is it? To look amazing?

666
00:29:06,661 --> 00:29:10,707
No, it's to stay alive. That's it.
Just stay alive. That's all you gotta do.

667
00:29:10,790 --> 00:29:13,543
And you're here tonight, so you did it.
Congratulations.

668
00:29:13,626 --> 00:29:16,755
[cheering and applause]

669
00:29:16,838 --> 00:29:17,714
[Tom chuckles]

670
00:29:20,925 --> 00:29:22,969
Well… [Tom laughs]

671
00:29:23,052 --> 00:29:25,597
I don't know if it really
necessitates applause, really.

672
00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:26,598
[audience laughs]

673
00:29:26,681 --> 00:29:29,768
[laughs] It's a lot of momentum
at this point, isn't it?

674
00:29:29,851 --> 00:29:31,227
[laughing] Yeah.

675
00:29:31,311 --> 00:29:33,688
It turns out
it's not that hard to stay alive.

676
00:29:33,772 --> 00:29:36,441
All these close calls you've had
in your life, and you're still going.

677
00:29:36,524 --> 00:29:37,734
You're still going.

678
00:29:37,817 --> 00:29:40,195
Constantly. Just constant close calls.

679
00:29:40,278 --> 00:29:41,946
And every time there is a close call,

680
00:29:42,030 --> 00:29:44,115
everyone else thinks
it's hilarious, don't they?

681
00:29:44,199 --> 00:29:46,242
"Dude, that bus was this close!"

682
00:29:46,326 --> 00:29:47,994
-[Tom laughs]
-[audience laughing]

683
00:29:48,077 --> 00:29:51,790
"Dude, how long were you under the raft
at the pool party? Oh my God!"

684
00:29:51,873 --> 00:29:52,999
[audience laughs]

685
00:29:53,082 --> 00:29:54,959
Constantly choking on stuff.

686
00:29:55,043 --> 00:29:57,754
I once got a Pachinko ball
stuck in my brain.

687
00:29:57,837 --> 00:30:01,633
Know what Pachinko is? It's like pinball,
but with these little ball bearings.

688
00:30:01,716 --> 00:30:06,387
And when I was a kid, I realized
the ball bearing fit perfectly in my nose.

689
00:30:06,471 --> 00:30:10,183
I thought, "This will be hilarious.
I'll put one in this nostril."

690
00:30:10,266 --> 00:30:13,978
"Then I'll close this nostril
and shoot it at my friend's face."

691
00:30:14,062 --> 00:30:15,814
[audience laughing]

692
00:30:15,897 --> 00:30:17,023
Good joke.

693
00:30:17,106 --> 00:30:20,568
I got it all set up, and then I realized
how funny it was gonna be,

694
00:30:20,652 --> 00:30:21,903
and I inhaled.

695
00:30:21,986 --> 00:30:24,781
[audience laughing]

696
00:30:29,285 --> 00:30:30,954
I don't know where it went.

697
00:30:31,037 --> 00:30:31,996
[audience laughing]

698
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:36,668
It was a weird trip to the emergency room.
"Get it out!" It was so embarrassing.

699
00:30:36,751 --> 00:30:38,795
"He thinks he's funny.
Tell him what you did."

700
00:30:38,878 --> 00:30:40,171
"Tell him what you did."

701
00:30:40,255 --> 00:30:41,923
[whimpers]

702
00:30:42,006 --> 00:30:43,842
[audience laughing]

703
00:30:43,925 --> 00:30:45,218
"Just get it out."

704
00:30:47,178 --> 00:30:50,139
A lot of close calls. We're always
electrocuting ourselves. Constantly.

705
00:30:50,223 --> 00:30:52,559
How many times have you, like,
"bzz, bzz." Everywhere you go.

706
00:30:52,642 --> 00:30:55,019
Why is it we all know
what batteries taste like?

707
00:30:55,103 --> 00:30:57,564
[audience laughing]

708
00:30:57,647 --> 00:31:01,109
[laughs] Because we're stupid,
and we're lucky to be here.

709
00:31:01,192 --> 00:31:02,861
[audience laughing]

710
00:31:02,944 --> 00:31:04,445
I had a college roommate.

711
00:31:04,529 --> 00:31:07,198
This guy used to drink
grain alcohol straight,

712
00:31:07,282 --> 00:31:09,868
and then he'd light his farts
in front of everybody.

713
00:31:10,618 --> 00:31:12,745
Nightly. Nightly.

714
00:31:12,829 --> 00:31:15,290
Even that guy is still alive.

715
00:31:15,373 --> 00:31:16,332
[audience laughing]

716
00:31:16,416 --> 00:31:17,458
[laughs] He is.

717
00:31:17,542 --> 00:31:19,335
He's a lawyer in Phoenix.

718
00:31:19,419 --> 00:31:21,671
-[audience laughing]
-[Tom laughs]

719
00:31:22,505 --> 00:31:24,966
People come to him with their problems.

720
00:31:25,049 --> 00:31:28,177
They have no idea
he's just a twitchy brain stem in a suit.

721
00:31:28,261 --> 00:31:30,346
[audience laughing]

722
00:31:30,430 --> 00:31:31,890
[Tom laughs]

723
00:31:31,973 --> 00:31:35,101
I'm surprised we're alive
from all the food we eat in this country.

724
00:31:35,184 --> 00:31:36,352
Oh my God!

725
00:31:36,436 --> 00:31:39,272
We have a good time,
but we don't eat well.

726
00:31:39,355 --> 00:31:43,776
We're the only country that has
a nationwide hot-dog-eating contest.

727
00:31:43,860 --> 00:31:46,112
Hot-dog-eating contest.

728
00:31:46,195 --> 00:31:49,949
A hot dog is the worst thing
you can put in the human body.

729
00:31:50,033 --> 00:31:52,952
They've done studies
that every hot dog you eat

730
00:31:53,036 --> 00:31:55,914
takes 30 minutes off of your life.

731
00:31:56,623 --> 00:31:58,833
That should be a national emergency.

732
00:31:58,917 --> 00:31:59,834
[audience laughs]

733
00:31:59,918 --> 00:32:02,253
Does it stop us? Hell no!

734
00:32:02,337 --> 00:32:07,675
Instead, we have a contest
and put it on ESPN on the 4th July,

735
00:32:07,759 --> 00:32:10,929
to shine a light
on the best and brightest of us all.

736
00:32:11,012 --> 00:32:12,722
[audience laughing]

737
00:32:12,805 --> 00:32:15,350
-[cheering and applause]
-[Tom laughs]

738
00:32:17,769 --> 00:32:20,313
We feed them to our children
at the barbecue.

739
00:32:20,396 --> 00:32:23,274
We yell, "You get off that trampoline,
put out your cigarette,

740
00:32:23,358 --> 00:32:24,776
and eat this hot dog."

741
00:32:24,859 --> 00:32:27,403
[audience laughing]

742
00:32:27,487 --> 00:32:29,197
"Show some respect."

743
00:32:30,073 --> 00:32:31,074
But who cares, right?

744
00:32:31,157 --> 00:32:34,452
Thirty minutes off your life.
It's not like it comes off tonight.

745
00:32:34,535 --> 00:32:35,411
[audience laughs]

746
00:32:35,495 --> 00:32:38,706
It's not like you eat the hot dog today
and lose it this evening.

747
00:32:38,790 --> 00:32:41,459
No, it's at the end,
when it's weird and scary.

748
00:32:42,085 --> 00:32:44,462
So you're telling me,
with every hot dog I eat,

749
00:32:44,545 --> 00:32:48,549
I have 30 minutes less
of staring at a wall in a nursing home.

750
00:32:48,633 --> 00:32:49,634
[audience laughing]

751
00:32:49,717 --> 00:32:52,095
Waiting for a stranger to change me.

752
00:32:52,178 --> 00:32:53,554
[audience laughing]

753
00:32:53,638 --> 00:32:57,100
Sounds to me
like hot dogs are a superfood.

754
00:32:57,183 --> 00:32:59,060
[audience laughing and cheering]

755
00:32:59,143 --> 00:33:02,188
[cheering and applause]

756
00:33:02,271 --> 00:33:03,231
[Tom laughs]

757
00:33:05,233 --> 00:33:07,986
Seems like we should be eating hot dogs
with every meal.

758
00:33:08,486 --> 00:33:10,446
[laughs] They should redo
that food pyramid

759
00:33:10,530 --> 00:33:11,948
and put a hot dog on top.

760
00:33:12,031 --> 00:33:14,909
[audience laughing]

761
00:33:14,993 --> 00:33:16,536
[Tom laughs]

762
00:33:17,620 --> 00:33:19,622
I know there's pressure.
I know there's pressure.

763
00:33:19,706 --> 00:33:20,999
There's always a lot of pressure.

764
00:33:21,082 --> 00:33:23,292
I don't want to make you
feel bad about yourself,

765
00:33:23,376 --> 00:33:25,795
or add to your feelings
of low self-esteem.

766
00:33:25,878 --> 00:33:29,549
You're beautiful. You're all beautiful.
You really are. You're miracles.

767
00:33:29,632 --> 00:33:32,719
This is insane
that we're here in this moment at all.

768
00:33:32,802 --> 00:33:36,556
That somehow, all this stardust
in this vast, crazy universe

769
00:33:36,639 --> 00:33:39,434
somehow came together
and cobbled together you!

770
00:33:39,517 --> 00:33:42,395
You're a miracle, and you're sitting
next to another miracle.

771
00:33:42,478 --> 00:33:43,438
We're all miracles.

772
00:33:43,521 --> 00:33:45,523
I know it's hard to think that sometimes.

773
00:33:45,606 --> 00:33:49,485
When you stop at 7-Eleven
around midnight on your way home.

774
00:33:49,569 --> 00:33:51,571
[audience laughing]

775
00:33:53,740 --> 00:33:55,992
Not exactly crawling with miracles.

776
00:33:56,075 --> 00:33:58,661
[audience laughing]

777
00:33:59,954 --> 00:34:01,706
It looks like a lot of mistakes.

778
00:34:01,789 --> 00:34:03,666
[audience laughing]

779
00:34:03,750 --> 00:34:05,376
[laughs] That's okay.

780
00:34:05,460 --> 00:34:08,629
They're miracles too. They're just
making weird choices, that's all.

781
00:34:09,422 --> 00:34:12,592
No, you're all beautiful.
I'm attracted to all of you right now.

782
00:34:13,342 --> 00:34:15,928
Mostly 'cause you're covered up.
Let's be honest, right?

783
00:34:16,012 --> 00:34:18,431
Everyone's got their own style.
Everyone looks great.

784
00:34:18,514 --> 00:34:20,725
A couple hours from now,
we peel these layers off…

785
00:34:20,808 --> 00:34:22,852
-[groans] Oy-he-he-he.
-[audience laughs]

786
00:34:22,935 --> 00:34:25,688
Different story.
A lot of weird dangly bits.

787
00:34:26,355 --> 00:34:29,650
Strange Jack and the Beanstalk hairs
coming out of your ass.

788
00:34:30,526 --> 00:34:33,446
Things growing on your body
you didn't think grew on a human.

789
00:34:33,529 --> 00:34:35,406
"Is that a barnacle? What am I?"

790
00:34:35,490 --> 00:34:36,449
[audience laughing]

791
00:34:36,532 --> 00:34:37,784
"What am I, a boat?"

792
00:34:38,785 --> 00:34:41,204
I don't like seeing
myself naked, honestly.

793
00:34:41,287 --> 00:34:43,998
I come out the shower.
I'm the only one in the bathroom.

794
00:34:44,082 --> 00:34:46,084
I catch myself in the mirror. "Oh!"

795
00:34:46,167 --> 00:34:47,001
[audience laughs]

796
00:34:47,085 --> 00:34:51,172
I towel up immediately,
like a fancy lady, from tits to thighs.

797
00:34:51,255 --> 00:34:52,465
[audience laughing]

798
00:34:52,548 --> 00:34:56,511
Like a pig in a blanket,
with one soft serve towel on top.

799
00:34:56,594 --> 00:34:58,596
[audience laughing]

800
00:35:05,311 --> 00:35:07,063
My nipples used to be up here.

801
00:35:07,146 --> 00:35:08,439
[audience laughing]

802
00:35:08,523 --> 00:35:12,026
They were here. I saw a picture of me
in high school. They were here.

803
00:35:12,110 --> 00:35:14,654
They're here now. They're here.

804
00:35:14,737 --> 00:35:18,908
Really, they were here. They're now down…
I'm touching them right now. They're here.

805
00:35:18,991 --> 00:35:21,744
[audience laughing]

806
00:35:21,828 --> 00:35:24,038
It's like they quit
and walked off the job.

807
00:35:24,122 --> 00:35:25,164
[audience laughing]

808
00:35:25,248 --> 00:35:26,499
No two weeks' notice.

809
00:35:26,582 --> 00:35:30,461
Just flipped over the desk,
gave me the finger, and made a run for it.

810
00:35:31,295 --> 00:35:34,173
And they're still on the move.
They're still on the move.

811
00:35:34,257 --> 00:35:38,511
I never catch 'em, but they're moving.
They're like two ex-cons in a wheat field.

812
00:35:38,594 --> 00:35:41,180
[audience laughing]

813
00:35:43,015 --> 00:35:45,184
When I'm 80,
they're gonna be in my pockets.

814
00:35:45,268 --> 00:35:47,270
[audience laughing]

815
00:35:49,856 --> 00:35:52,900
It's hard to feel good about yourself,
especially with social media.

816
00:35:52,984 --> 00:35:56,612
Every time you open up your phone,
there's some people that look great.

817
00:35:56,696 --> 00:36:00,158
They're always calling you a loser,
because you don't live like them, right?

818
00:36:00,241 --> 00:36:02,743
You get all these cold plunge people
on your feeds.

819
00:36:02,827 --> 00:36:04,412
You get these jackasses.

820
00:36:05,037 --> 00:36:07,623
Act like you're a loser
if you don't start off at 6:00 a.m.

821
00:36:07,707 --> 00:36:09,500
in a bucket of ice water.

822
00:36:09,584 --> 00:36:11,127
Shut the hell up.

823
00:36:11,919 --> 00:36:13,671
Get off of my phone.

824
00:36:14,172 --> 00:36:17,884
I'm gonna do a video
about the benefits of a long hot shower.

825
00:36:18,634 --> 00:36:24,056
That's a winner, where you just keep
making it hotter and hotter and hotter,

826
00:36:24,140 --> 00:36:28,603
and then you stay an extra 15 minutes,
and you come out like a wet noodle,

827
00:36:28,686 --> 00:36:31,397
and cancel all your appointments
for the day.

828
00:36:32,023 --> 00:36:33,232
That's a winner.

829
00:36:33,316 --> 00:36:35,651
[cheering and applause]

830
00:36:35,735 --> 00:36:36,819
[Tom laughs]

831
00:36:41,115 --> 00:36:43,242
All these guys
always showing me their abs.

832
00:36:43,326 --> 00:36:45,828
They've always got their shirt off
where it should be on.

833
00:36:45,912 --> 00:36:47,955
Like at a school or a bus stop.

834
00:36:48,664 --> 00:36:50,374
"You want abs like these?"

835
00:36:50,458 --> 00:36:52,293
[chuckles] "No, honestly."

836
00:36:52,376 --> 00:36:55,087
What am I gonna do
with those abs? Nothing.

837
00:36:55,171 --> 00:36:56,714
They're not gonna help my life at all.

838
00:36:56,797 --> 00:36:59,967
I'm not impressed by those guys.
I feel bad for those guys.

839
00:37:00,051 --> 00:37:02,845
I know they're alone.
They have to be alone.

840
00:37:02,929 --> 00:37:05,681
You can't live with another person
and have abs like that,

841
00:37:05,765 --> 00:37:08,976
doing crunches under the coffee table
24 hours a day.

842
00:37:09,685 --> 00:37:13,147
When they're trying to watch their shows.
No one's gonna stand for that.

843
00:37:14,232 --> 00:37:16,859
No, they live alone
in a one-bedroom apartment

844
00:37:16,943 --> 00:37:18,152
with a pull-up bar,

845
00:37:18,236 --> 00:37:21,113
eating protein shakes,
and shitting like a goat.

846
00:37:21,197 --> 00:37:23,199
[audience laughing]

847
00:37:27,828 --> 00:37:29,747
They don't impress me. You impress me.

848
00:37:29,830 --> 00:37:33,125
People who live with other people
in a family. That's impressive.

849
00:37:33,209 --> 00:37:34,877
You think abs can do what you do?

850
00:37:34,961 --> 00:37:39,215
Get a whole family ready for school
on a Tuesday morning in the dark?

851
00:37:40,091 --> 00:37:44,387
Making individual breakfasts
for every needy bastard in your house?

852
00:37:45,054 --> 00:37:49,308
'Cause God forbid they eat the same thing
on the same damn day. They never do that.

853
00:37:49,392 --> 00:37:51,978
And then feed all the animals
at the same time?

854
00:37:52,061 --> 00:37:55,523
And clean what pops out
the other side of them almost immediately?

855
00:37:55,606 --> 00:37:56,816
[audience laughs]

856
00:37:56,899 --> 00:37:58,651
Then drop them all off at school.

857
00:37:58,734 --> 00:38:01,696
Then pick them up at the end of the day,
20 minutes later.

858
00:38:01,779 --> 00:38:04,740
[audience laughing]

859
00:38:04,824 --> 00:38:06,867
Then drive them around
like you're their Uber driver

860
00:38:06,951 --> 00:38:08,077
the rest of the afternoon,

861
00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:11,163
taking them to all their dumb activities
they can't even do.

862
00:38:11,247 --> 00:38:13,749
[audience laughing]

863
00:38:18,629 --> 00:38:22,466
No way. You think abs is gonna sit
in a little chair at a dentist's office?

864
00:38:22,550 --> 00:38:24,510
Flipping through a sticky magazine,

865
00:38:24,593 --> 00:38:28,431
just waiting for the dentist to come out
and give you a $5,000 bill?

866
00:38:28,514 --> 00:38:29,390
[audience laughs]

867
00:38:29,473 --> 00:38:34,186
A $5,000 bill, because the little bastard
stopped brushing his teeth.

868
00:38:34,270 --> 00:38:35,813
[audience laughing]

869
00:38:35,896 --> 00:38:39,275
And you knew it. You knew it.
You knew he wasn't brushing his teeth.

870
00:38:39,358 --> 00:38:40,526
But you stopped asking,

871
00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:43,195
because you didn't want
to ruin bedtime every night.

872
00:38:43,696 --> 00:38:45,406
You got tired of being the bad guy.

873
00:38:45,489 --> 00:38:47,491
You checked the brush,
you checked the brush,

874
00:38:47,575 --> 00:38:50,077
and it was wet, but that was a lie.

875
00:38:50,161 --> 00:38:52,163
[audience laughing]

876
00:38:52,246 --> 00:38:54,206
[applause and cheering]

877
00:38:54,290 --> 00:38:55,875
That was a lie.

878
00:38:56,459 --> 00:38:58,085
[laughs] That was a con job.

879
00:38:58,169 --> 00:39:00,338
He was wetting his brush,
sitting on the toilet,

880
00:39:00,421 --> 00:39:02,506
probably looking at porn on his phone.

881
00:39:02,590 --> 00:39:03,549
[audience laughing]

882
00:39:03,632 --> 00:39:06,260
And now you have a $5,000 bill.

883
00:39:06,344 --> 00:39:08,346
[audience laughing]

884
00:39:10,473 --> 00:39:14,226
But as crazy as that house is,
you know, and costly,

885
00:39:14,310 --> 00:39:16,562
I would much rather live
with all those heartbeats,

886
00:39:16,645 --> 00:39:19,940
all those needy heartbeats,
than live alone with my abs.

887
00:39:20,608 --> 00:39:23,694
You know? 'Cause on some level,
your family has to be grateful.

888
00:39:23,778 --> 00:39:25,279
They'll never say thank you.

889
00:39:25,363 --> 00:39:27,615
They'll never say,
"Thanks for keeping us alive."

890
00:39:27,698 --> 00:39:29,700
But that's literally what you're doing.

891
00:39:29,784 --> 00:39:33,662
You're literally keeping them alive.
Without you, they're dead. They're dead.

892
00:39:33,746 --> 00:39:35,289
[audience laughing]

893
00:39:35,373 --> 00:39:37,708
I could leave my daughters
with a can and a can opener,

894
00:39:37,792 --> 00:39:40,002
come back 24 hours later, dead!

895
00:39:40,086 --> 00:39:42,588
[audience laughing]

896
00:39:45,674 --> 00:39:46,509
Dead.

897
00:39:47,760 --> 00:39:50,679
They'll never say thank you, so don't wait
for it. Gotta draw it out of 'em.

898
00:39:50,763 --> 00:39:53,933
When you see them tomorrow, "My friend
last night told me to remind you,

899
00:39:54,016 --> 00:39:55,810
without me, you're dead!"

900
00:39:56,602 --> 00:39:59,522
"Or worse, no teeth. You'd have no teeth."

901
00:40:00,189 --> 00:40:02,400
"Like a jack-o'-lantern in December."

902
00:40:02,483 --> 00:40:03,651
[audience laughing]

903
00:40:03,734 --> 00:40:06,362
"Going to school with a smushed-in face…"

904
00:40:06,445 --> 00:40:08,447
[audience laughing]

905
00:40:10,074 --> 00:40:11,700
"…wishing you were dead."

906
00:40:11,784 --> 00:40:12,993
[audience laughing]

907
00:40:13,077 --> 00:40:14,787
"So you're welcome."

908
00:40:14,870 --> 00:40:16,122
[audience laughs]

909
00:40:16,205 --> 00:40:18,707
No, so I block all those people
on Instagram.

910
00:40:19,417 --> 00:40:21,293
I don't have those guys
on my Instagram feed.

911
00:40:21,377 --> 00:40:24,630
The only thing on my feed are bakers.
That's it. Just bakers.

912
00:40:24,713 --> 00:40:27,133
I love baking bread. I can't stop baking.

913
00:40:27,216 --> 00:40:29,176
-[cheering and applause]
-I love it.

914
00:40:29,260 --> 00:40:33,764
My whole algorithm is nothing but bread.
Bread and babies. That's all I got.

915
00:40:33,848 --> 00:40:37,852
My favorite guy… Oh, you'd love him.
He's two feet tall. He's five feet wide.

916
00:40:37,935 --> 00:40:40,813
He's just a French baker.
He's just one ab. He's just…

917
00:40:40,896 --> 00:40:41,814
[audience laughs]

918
00:40:41,897 --> 00:40:44,233
He's just one buttery ab.

919
00:40:44,984 --> 00:40:48,279
And he bakes croissants.
That's all he does. He bakes croissants.

920
00:40:48,362 --> 00:40:51,657
He puts them in the oven, bakes them,
breaks them out, cracks them open.

921
00:40:51,740 --> 00:40:52,950
Steam comes out.

922
00:40:53,033 --> 00:40:56,203
Then he eats them on camera,
and I get aroused.

923
00:40:56,287 --> 00:40:58,372
[audience laughing]

924
00:41:07,465 --> 00:41:10,176
Food is my love language,
or my family's love language.

925
00:41:10,259 --> 00:41:12,636
That's how we all communicate,
through food.

926
00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:16,474
My mom would make salami sandwiches
for me every day for school.

927
00:41:16,557 --> 00:41:19,059
That's how I could tell
how much she loved me at the moment.

928
00:41:19,143 --> 00:41:21,937
If I got one salami sandwich,
not that great.

929
00:41:22,021 --> 00:41:24,398
If I got three, I was a good boy.

930
00:41:24,482 --> 00:41:26,484
-[audience laughing]
-[Tom laughs]

931
00:41:26,567 --> 00:41:30,404
They used to call me Tommy Salami.
That's how many salami sandwiches I'd eat.

932
00:41:31,280 --> 00:41:34,658
They just visited me, my parents.
Oh my God. I love 'em to death.

933
00:41:34,742 --> 00:41:36,452
But two weeks, they came to my house.

934
00:41:36,535 --> 00:41:39,580
No hotel, two weeks.
Didn't ask, just showed up.

935
00:41:39,663 --> 00:41:40,539
[audience laughs]

936
00:41:40,623 --> 00:41:43,709
Two weeks! That's not a visit.
That's an insurrection.

937
00:41:43,792 --> 00:41:45,544
[audience laughing]

938
00:41:45,628 --> 00:41:47,254
Man. My father is so cheap.

939
00:41:47,338 --> 00:41:49,215
He picked the date they had to be there,

940
00:41:49,298 --> 00:41:52,134
and the one before and after it,
until it was cheap enough,

941
00:41:52,218 --> 00:41:53,802
and then he bought the tickets.

942
00:41:54,386 --> 00:41:56,430
I would have paid. I would have paid.

943
00:41:56,514 --> 00:41:57,723
[audience laughing]

944
00:41:57,806 --> 00:42:01,644
I would have paid for the flight,
or a hotel, or a sniper.

945
00:42:01,727 --> 00:42:03,729
[audience laughing]

946
00:42:05,856 --> 00:42:06,899
[Tom chuckles]

947
00:42:07,775 --> 00:42:10,152
I love 'em to death.
Don't get me wrong. I love 'em to death.

948
00:42:10,236 --> 00:42:12,613
It's a blessing to have your parents.
It really is.

949
00:42:12,696 --> 00:42:15,866
But, oh my God, it's a lot.

950
00:42:15,950 --> 00:42:17,034
[audience laughs]

951
00:42:17,117 --> 00:42:19,578
My mother was, like… She was so cute.
She's like, "Don't worry."

952
00:42:19,662 --> 00:42:22,665
"We're not gonna be a bother.
We're just gonna hang around."

953
00:42:22,748 --> 00:42:26,293
"It's not even gonna be like we're there.
You don't have to entertain us."

954
00:42:26,377 --> 00:42:28,879
"We just want to be around." "All right."

955
00:42:28,963 --> 00:42:29,922
Yeah, right.

956
00:42:30,798 --> 00:42:32,967
I'd try to sneak into the kitchen,
early in the morning,

957
00:42:33,050 --> 00:42:35,511
get one cup of coffee
before it all starts.

958
00:42:35,594 --> 00:42:39,139
They're just sitting there at the counter,
like two lonely sea lions.

959
00:42:39,223 --> 00:42:41,225
[audience laughing]

960
00:42:42,393 --> 00:42:43,727
[wails]

961
00:42:43,811 --> 00:42:46,272
[audience laughing]

962
00:42:46,355 --> 00:42:48,023
[wails]

963
00:42:48,774 --> 00:42:51,110
They've been waiting
since 4:00 in the morning.

964
00:42:51,193 --> 00:42:53,153
[audience laughing]

965
00:42:53,237 --> 00:42:54,863
[wails]

966
00:42:55,656 --> 00:42:58,951
"We didn't know
when you were gonna get up." [wails]

967
00:42:59,034 --> 00:43:01,537
-[audience laughing]
-[Tom laughs]

968
00:43:01,620 --> 00:43:02,871
When people stay with you,

969
00:43:02,955 --> 00:43:06,709
there's no activity
that eats up enough hours of the day.

970
00:43:06,792 --> 00:43:09,044
You take them to the beach.
"There's the ocean."

971
00:43:09,128 --> 00:43:10,754
"All right, back to the house."

972
00:43:11,505 --> 00:43:13,215
"Twelve more hours till bedtime."

973
00:43:13,299 --> 00:43:15,551
-[groans]
-[audience laughing]

974
00:43:15,634 --> 00:43:16,468
[chuckles]

975
00:43:16,552 --> 00:43:19,221
The problem is, they have no activities,
they have no hobbies.

976
00:43:19,305 --> 00:43:23,058
They don't crossword-puzzle,
they don't pickleball, Sudoku, nothing.

977
00:43:23,142 --> 00:43:25,644
They're just two Italian parents who eat.

978
00:43:25,728 --> 00:43:28,355
They just eat and then talk about
what they ate last night.

979
00:43:28,439 --> 00:43:30,649
And they talk about
what they're gonna eat tonight,

980
00:43:30,733 --> 00:43:32,735
and is there time to eat in between?

981
00:43:32,818 --> 00:43:36,155
They're like two retired raccoons
just going through my kitchen.

982
00:43:36,238 --> 00:43:39,033
[audience laughing]

983
00:43:39,116 --> 00:43:42,286
My mother was dumpster diving
under the kitchen sink,

984
00:43:42,369 --> 00:43:43,329
looking for scraps.

985
00:43:43,412 --> 00:43:45,706
"There's still meat on this chicken bone."

986
00:43:45,789 --> 00:43:48,500
"I don't know why you threw that out,
Mr. Big Shot."

987
00:43:48,584 --> 00:43:49,710
[audience laughing]

988
00:43:49,793 --> 00:43:52,046
My father was talking to me,
eating a cookie.

989
00:43:52,129 --> 00:43:57,468
He dropped it by mistake, stepped on it,
peeled it off the bottom of his shoe,

990
00:43:57,551 --> 00:43:58,719
and ate it!

991
00:43:58,802 --> 00:44:00,554
[audience laughing]

992
00:44:00,638 --> 00:44:01,805
Right in front of me!

993
00:44:01,889 --> 00:44:02,765
[audience laughs]

994
00:44:02,848 --> 00:44:04,767
I was like, "What are you doing?"

995
00:44:04,850 --> 00:44:08,729
He looked at me like a toddler who knows
he's in trouble but doesn't know why.

996
00:44:08,812 --> 00:44:12,274
[audience laughing]

997
00:44:17,988 --> 00:44:20,491
I'm like, "No shoe cookies!
No shoe cookies!"

998
00:44:20,574 --> 00:44:21,867
[audience laughing]

999
00:44:21,950 --> 00:44:24,119
"Why are you eating
a shoe cookie right now?"

1000
00:44:24,203 --> 00:44:28,499
He's like, "That? No, come on.
I beat it. Five-second rule. I beat it."

1001
00:44:28,582 --> 00:44:30,334
It's not how it works.

1002
00:44:30,417 --> 00:44:34,088
If you drop a cookie in the toilet,
you don't get to eat it if you're quick.

1003
00:44:34,171 --> 00:44:36,423
[audience laughing]

1004
00:44:39,176 --> 00:44:41,136
[laughs] I love 'em to death.

1005
00:44:41,220 --> 00:44:43,263
Look, I know
it's a complicated relationship.

1006
00:44:43,347 --> 00:44:46,642
If you're lucky enough to still have
your parents around, it's a blessing.

1007
00:44:46,725 --> 00:44:48,894
But I know you feel guilty
a lot of the times.

1008
00:44:48,977 --> 00:44:51,397
Because sometimes they call,
you don't pick up.

1009
00:44:51,480 --> 00:44:52,856
Then when you do pick up,

1010
00:44:52,940 --> 00:44:55,526
you get impatient,
because they can't use the phone.

1011
00:44:55,609 --> 00:44:59,655
You say something mean before you hang up.
I know you feel guilty a lot of the times.

1012
00:44:59,738 --> 00:45:02,991
But don't, don't,
because I got news for you.

1013
00:45:03,075 --> 00:45:05,661
They're not saying great things
about you either.

1014
00:45:05,744 --> 00:45:08,038
[audience roaring with laughing]

1015
00:45:08,122 --> 00:45:10,457
[applause and cheering]

1016
00:45:15,129 --> 00:45:18,006
I guarantee you my father
was in the guest room at night,

1017
00:45:18,090 --> 00:45:20,050
"We've gotta get the hell out of here."

1018
00:45:20,759 --> 00:45:23,887
"Mr. Big Shot won't let me
eat shoe cookies."

1019
00:45:23,971 --> 00:45:26,140
[audience laughing]

1020
00:45:26,223 --> 00:45:28,350
"Who the hell does he think he is?"

1021
00:45:28,892 --> 00:45:30,978
"I got you one, by the way, if you want."

1022
00:45:31,061 --> 00:45:33,272
[audience laughing]

1023
00:45:33,355 --> 00:45:34,481
"A little nightcap."

1024
00:45:34,565 --> 00:45:37,067
-[audience laughing]
-[Tom laughs]

1025
00:45:38,902 --> 00:45:41,155
And now it's putting family
in perspective for me.

1026
00:45:41,238 --> 00:45:44,825
Now that my kids are leaving,
I'm gonna be them. I'm gonna be them.

1027
00:45:44,908 --> 00:45:46,869
You know?
I'm gonna wanna just hang around.

1028
00:45:46,952 --> 00:45:50,080
I'm gonna want my kids to like me,
and all that kind of stuff.

1029
00:45:50,164 --> 00:45:54,793
[sighs] I love family. It's a great thing.
I come from a big family. I love family.

1030
00:45:54,877 --> 00:45:57,129
But it's a heartbreaker at the same time.

1031
00:45:57,212 --> 00:45:59,089
You're gonna get your feelings hurt.

1032
00:45:59,173 --> 00:46:01,717
You can't have that much love
without getting your heart broken.

1033
00:46:01,800 --> 00:46:04,261
It's the same as
when people buy those big dogs.

1034
00:46:04,344 --> 00:46:06,096
I never understand these people.

1035
00:46:06,180 --> 00:46:09,600
They get these giant dogs.
They're all filled with fur and love.

1036
00:46:09,683 --> 00:46:13,437
And they take over the whole house.
And everyone falls in love with them.

1037
00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:15,522
And they're dead in three months.

1038
00:46:15,606 --> 00:46:16,482
[audience laughs]

1039
00:46:16,565 --> 00:46:18,567
I couldn't take that heartbreak.

1040
00:46:18,650 --> 00:46:22,488
I need something small and shitty
that's just gonna twitch and pee on itself

1041
00:46:22,571 --> 00:46:24,031
for 25 years.

1042
00:46:24,114 --> 00:46:27,284
[audience laughing]

1043
00:46:27,367 --> 00:46:29,703
Losing limbs, one at a time.

1044
00:46:30,329 --> 00:46:31,371
Eyes popping out.

1045
00:46:31,455 --> 00:46:33,832
"I'm still with you, Tommy.
I'm still with you."

1046
00:46:33,916 --> 00:46:35,918
[audience laughing]

1047
00:46:37,169 --> 00:46:38,712
[Tom laughs]

1048
00:46:39,338 --> 00:46:41,548
I have a friend
that just got a Great Dane.

1049
00:46:41,632 --> 00:46:42,841
Are you high?

1050
00:46:42,925 --> 00:46:44,176
[audience laughing]

1051
00:46:44,259 --> 00:46:46,970
A Great Dane?
That dog should come with a shovel.

1052
00:46:47,054 --> 00:46:49,223
[audience laughing]

1053
00:46:55,521 --> 00:46:56,814
Couldn't handle it.

1054
00:46:57,898 --> 00:47:00,901
It's the same with the kids.
They take up the whole house.

1055
00:47:00,984 --> 00:47:03,195
And then, before you know it,
they're on their way out.

1056
00:47:03,278 --> 00:47:06,365
They don't remember the first five years
you did that stuff for them.

1057
00:47:06,448 --> 00:47:07,533
They have no memory of it.

1058
00:47:07,616 --> 00:47:10,244
Then the last four years,
they're trying to get away.

1059
00:47:10,327 --> 00:47:12,496
So you get, what,
eight years in the middle?

1060
00:47:12,996 --> 00:47:14,373
I'm not sure it's worth it.

1061
00:47:14,456 --> 00:47:17,501
[audience laughing]

1062
00:47:17,584 --> 00:47:19,086
I told my daughter before she left,

1063
00:47:19,169 --> 00:47:22,339
"Just so you know,
I did all of this for you."

1064
00:47:22,422 --> 00:47:24,007
"I did all of this for you."

1065
00:47:24,091 --> 00:47:27,261
"I didn't want this house.
I didn't want to live in this town."

1066
00:47:27,344 --> 00:47:29,513
"I didn't want any of these animals."

1067
00:47:29,596 --> 00:47:34,184
"I don't even have friends anymore.
All my friends are your friends' parents."

1068
00:47:34,268 --> 00:47:35,894
[audience laughing]

1069
00:47:35,978 --> 00:47:39,147
"I did this all for you,
and now you're gonna go?"

1070
00:47:39,231 --> 00:47:40,524
"I should go."

1071
00:47:40,607 --> 00:47:42,568
[audience laughing]

1072
00:47:42,651 --> 00:47:44,111
"You can have it all."

1073
00:47:44,194 --> 00:47:46,822
[cheering and applause]

1074
00:47:51,243 --> 00:47:55,205
"Just give me a backpack
with a Van Halen CD and some weed."

1075
00:47:55,747 --> 00:47:58,876
"And I'll go back to living the life
I was living before I met you."

1076
00:47:58,959 --> 00:48:01,461
[cheering and applause]

1077
00:48:05,549 --> 00:48:07,259
Oh, but I love 'em so much.

1078
00:48:08,468 --> 00:48:10,554
So funny.
You don't really plan your life, do you?

1079
00:48:10,637 --> 00:48:12,639
It just kind of unfolds.
It just kind of happens.

1080
00:48:12,723 --> 00:48:15,100
You have a couple of ideas,
but it just kind of happens.

1081
00:48:15,183 --> 00:48:17,269
I didn't know
I'd be at this point in my life,

1082
00:48:17,352 --> 00:48:19,062
talking about this family.

1083
00:48:19,146 --> 00:48:20,188
It just happened.

1084
00:48:20,272 --> 00:48:22,399
I just got tired
of eating pizza by myself.

1085
00:48:22,941 --> 00:48:26,904
I was eating pizza by myself all the time.
"This is getting depressing."

1086
00:48:26,987 --> 00:48:29,781
I was eating pizza by myself
when I saw a pretty girl.

1087
00:48:29,865 --> 00:48:32,034
I was like,
"You want to eat pizza with me?"

1088
00:48:32,117 --> 00:48:33,118
[audience laughs]

1089
00:48:33,201 --> 00:48:36,163
She was like,
"Yeah. I'm always eating pizza by myself."

1090
00:48:36,246 --> 00:48:38,206
"Me too. Let's eat pizza together."

1091
00:48:38,290 --> 00:48:40,167
"Okay." [munching]

1092
00:48:40,250 --> 00:48:41,418
[audience laughing]

1093
00:48:41,501 --> 00:48:44,880
Then five years later, we're going
through the airport, through security,

1094
00:48:44,963 --> 00:48:47,925
with a naked toddler and a cat carrier,

1095
00:48:48,008 --> 00:48:50,636
breaking down a stroller
with our feet at 6:00 a.m.,

1096
00:48:50,719 --> 00:48:52,262
sweating our asses off.

1097
00:48:52,763 --> 00:48:54,723
And our life was over. It was over.

1098
00:48:54,806 --> 00:48:56,224
[audience laughing]

1099
00:48:56,308 --> 00:48:58,518
All because I couldn't eat pizza
by myself.

1100
00:48:58,602 --> 00:49:00,604
[audience laughing]

1101
00:49:05,359 --> 00:49:07,903
And I can't tell you
what you should do with your life.

1102
00:49:07,986 --> 00:49:10,072
I don't know.
Have kids, not have kids. Who knows?

1103
00:49:10,155 --> 00:49:13,367
Get married, not get married. You know?
But for me, it was worth it.

1104
00:49:13,450 --> 00:49:17,788
For me, this whole thing was worth it,
because now I know, at the end,

1105
00:49:17,871 --> 00:49:20,457
there'll be someone
to pick up the phone. You know?

1106
00:49:20,540 --> 00:49:22,834
At the end, there'll be someone there

1107
00:49:22,918 --> 00:49:25,379
to pick up the phone when the police call…

1108
00:49:25,462 --> 00:49:26,922
[audience laughing]

1109
00:49:27,005 --> 00:49:30,676
…and say they found me swimming
in the fountain at the mall again.

1110
00:49:30,759 --> 00:49:32,761
[audience laughing]

1111
00:49:34,137 --> 00:49:36,765
"Come on down.
No, he's having a good time. No rush."

1112
00:49:36,848 --> 00:49:38,266
[audience laughing]

1113
00:49:38,350 --> 00:49:41,395
"No, his pants are on this time.
He's actually having a good time."

1114
00:49:41,478 --> 00:49:42,938
[audience laughing]

1115
00:49:43,021 --> 00:49:45,899
"Kids are throwing pennies at him.
He doesn't even feel it."

1116
00:49:45,983 --> 00:49:46,817
[audience laughing]

1117
00:49:46,900 --> 00:49:50,237
"He might have stolen a PlayStation.
We'll talk about it when you get here."

1118
00:49:50,320 --> 00:49:51,989
[laughter and applause]

1119
00:49:52,072 --> 00:49:53,365
[Tom laughs]

1120
00:49:55,158 --> 00:49:58,286
[cheering and applause]

1121
00:49:58,370 --> 00:49:59,579
[Tom laughs]

1122
00:50:04,876 --> 00:50:06,378
[Tom laughs]

1123
00:50:08,088 --> 00:50:09,673
We're all going the same way, though.

1124
00:50:09,756 --> 00:50:12,342
Whatever you choose,
we're all going off the same brochure.

1125
00:50:12,426 --> 00:50:14,720
We're all headed the same way. You know?

1126
00:50:14,803 --> 00:50:17,347
If you're young here tonight,
and you see an old person,

1127
00:50:17,431 --> 00:50:20,142
I know you don't think
that that's you in the future.

1128
00:50:20,225 --> 00:50:23,228
You look at an old person,
that's not you in the future.

1129
00:50:23,311 --> 00:50:26,982
That's like looking at a sequoia tree
or a unicorn.

1130
00:50:27,065 --> 00:50:28,066
[audience laughing]

1131
00:50:28,150 --> 00:50:30,485
But it is going to be you one day,
before you know it.

1132
00:50:30,569 --> 00:50:34,322
If you're older and look at a young person
and think, "I still look like that,"

1133
00:50:34,406 --> 00:50:35,782
you don't. You don't.

1134
00:50:35,866 --> 00:50:37,534
[audience laughing]

1135
00:50:37,617 --> 00:50:39,286
[applause]

1136
00:50:39,369 --> 00:50:40,328
You don't.

1137
00:50:44,374 --> 00:50:46,460
I know it's a cliché,
but I'm turning into my father.

1138
00:50:46,543 --> 00:50:48,462
It's happening. I'm not planning it.

1139
00:50:48,545 --> 00:50:51,465
I just bought a three-pack
of silicone spray the other day.

1140
00:50:54,885 --> 00:50:56,303
[audience laughing]

1141
00:50:56,386 --> 00:50:57,888
I don't even know what it is.

1142
00:50:57,971 --> 00:51:00,432
[audience laughing]

1143
00:51:00,515 --> 00:51:04,686
I don't know what people use it for,
but I knew it was a deal, so I bought it.

1144
00:51:04,770 --> 00:51:05,854
[audience laughing]

1145
00:51:05,937 --> 00:51:07,731
Just like my father would.

1146
00:51:07,814 --> 00:51:10,817
And now I'm gonna give one away
to the mailman for no reason.

1147
00:51:10,901 --> 00:51:11,777
[audience laughing]

1148
00:51:11,860 --> 00:51:13,236
Just like my father.

1149
00:51:15,447 --> 00:51:17,532
We all think we're young,
and strong, and healthy,

1150
00:51:17,616 --> 00:51:19,034
and you all look beautiful tonight.

1151
00:51:19,117 --> 00:51:20,285
But before you know it,

1152
00:51:20,368 --> 00:51:23,455
you're gonna be in line
at the airport, at the gate,

1153
00:51:23,538 --> 00:51:26,291
you're gonna be wearing a neck pillow,
thinking it's cool.

1154
00:51:26,917 --> 00:51:29,920
And you're gonna break into
old people exercises, out of nowhere.

1155
00:51:30,003 --> 00:51:31,880
Just gonna start doing some of these.

1156
00:51:31,963 --> 00:51:34,883
[audience laughing]

1157
00:51:44,976 --> 00:51:48,271
We're gonna be those old people
who start coughing, out of nowhere.

1158
00:51:48,355 --> 00:51:50,649
Not eating anything,
not drinking anything,

1159
00:51:50,732 --> 00:51:51,900
and they just explode!

1160
00:51:51,983 --> 00:51:53,276
[loud cough]

1161
00:51:53,360 --> 00:51:55,362
[audience laughing]

1162
00:51:57,322 --> 00:51:59,199
Turning purple. The eyes popping out.

1163
00:51:59,282 --> 00:52:00,325
[groans loudly]

1164
00:52:01,118 --> 00:52:04,037
And then they just stop
and continue with the conversation.

1165
00:52:04,121 --> 00:52:05,664
[audience laughing]

1166
00:52:05,747 --> 00:52:07,958
"Are we gonna talk
about what just happened?"

1167
00:52:08,542 --> 00:52:10,961
"You literally almost died a second ago."

1168
00:52:11,628 --> 00:52:15,048
"No? All right. Continue with the story
I've heard a thousand times."

1169
00:52:15,132 --> 00:52:16,049
"This is great."

1170
00:52:16,133 --> 00:52:18,677
[audience laughing]

1171
00:52:18,760 --> 00:52:20,428
[Tom laughs]

1172
00:52:22,889 --> 00:52:25,767
It's hard to be an old person
nowadays, though. It's hard.

1173
00:52:26,518 --> 00:52:27,978
Can't even retire anymore.

1174
00:52:28,061 --> 00:52:30,188
They keep raising the retirement age.
That's not cool.

1175
00:52:30,272 --> 00:52:31,815
That's not nice to the old people.

1176
00:52:31,898 --> 00:52:33,400
That's not nice to the young people

1177
00:52:33,483 --> 00:52:35,902
who have to work
with old people that long.

1178
00:52:35,986 --> 00:52:37,154
Do you… [laughs]

1179
00:52:37,237 --> 00:52:39,656
Do you really want
an 80-year-old pilot? Really?

1180
00:52:39,739 --> 00:52:40,782
[audience laughs]

1181
00:52:40,866 --> 00:52:44,452
"Buckle up. We're going to Dayton!
I mean Denver. You know what I mean."

1182
00:52:44,536 --> 00:52:45,871
[audience laughing]

1183
00:52:45,954 --> 00:52:47,414
[sighs]

1184
00:52:48,039 --> 00:52:49,291
"I'm so tired."

1185
00:52:49,374 --> 00:52:51,293
[audience laughing]

1186
00:52:51,376 --> 00:52:54,296
"I should have retired a while ago,
but they won't let me."

1187
00:52:55,088 --> 00:52:57,382
"I'm close to death, and so are you!"

1188
00:52:57,465 --> 00:52:59,801
[audience laughing]

1189
00:52:59,885 --> 00:53:01,344
[Tom laughs]

1190
00:53:02,345 --> 00:53:06,057
If we're gonna make old people work,
let's have fun with them. Rent 'em out.

1191
00:53:06,141 --> 00:53:08,852
Rent them out to people
who want to take the carpool lane.

1192
00:53:08,935 --> 00:53:11,104
[audience laughing]

1193
00:53:11,188 --> 00:53:13,106
Tell them they're going to work.

1194
00:53:13,190 --> 00:53:16,359
You get to the office, drop 'em off,
someone takes them the other way.

1195
00:53:16,443 --> 00:53:18,361
[audience laughing]

1196
00:53:18,445 --> 00:53:20,614
"Are we almost there?" [laughs]

1197
00:53:20,697 --> 00:53:22,824
"You were already there." "I was?"

1198
00:53:22,908 --> 00:53:24,034
[audience laughing]

1199
00:53:24,117 --> 00:53:25,785
"Didn't even eat my lunch."

1200
00:53:25,869 --> 00:53:27,871
-[audience laughing]
-[Tom laughs]

1201
00:53:29,414 --> 00:53:31,875
Rent them out to people
who do those haunted hayrides.

1202
00:53:31,958 --> 00:53:34,502
Just drop six old people
in the woods along the path.

1203
00:53:34,586 --> 00:53:36,588
[audience laughing]

1204
00:53:41,009 --> 00:53:42,260
[Tom laughing]

1205
00:53:47,307 --> 00:53:49,142
I don't mean to mock old people.
I really don't.

1206
00:53:49,226 --> 00:53:52,062
I want to be old people.
I want you all to be old people.

1207
00:53:52,145 --> 00:53:55,899
That would be a blessing, you know?
It'll be great. I'll still be on tour.

1208
00:53:56,566 --> 00:53:58,401
I'll come to your nursing home.

1209
00:53:58,485 --> 00:54:00,528
I'll tell jokes.
You won't be able to laugh.

1210
00:54:00,612 --> 00:54:02,280
You'll just blink and fart at me.

1211
00:54:02,364 --> 00:54:04,616
[audience laughing]

1212
00:54:04,699 --> 00:54:06,034
[Tom laughs]

1213
00:54:06,785 --> 00:54:10,413
I want to live till I'm one of those guys
that starts dressing like a sea captain

1214
00:54:10,497 --> 00:54:11,623
for no reason.

1215
00:54:11,706 --> 00:54:13,708
[audience laughing]

1216
00:54:13,792 --> 00:54:14,834
[Tom laughs]

1217
00:54:14,918 --> 00:54:16,127
You ever see these guys?

1218
00:54:16,211 --> 00:54:18,296
They don't have a boat,
they don't live near the ocean.

1219
00:54:18,380 --> 00:54:20,632
They just show up
like Captain Crunch one day.

1220
00:54:20,715 --> 00:54:22,509
-[audience laughing]
-"Toot, toot!"

1221
00:54:23,301 --> 00:54:27,389
Got the hat, the buttons, the whole thing.
And we just have to go along with it.

1222
00:54:27,472 --> 00:54:30,141
[audience laughing]

1223
00:54:30,225 --> 00:54:33,937
I hope you have a good rest of your year.
I do. You know, enjoy yourself.

1224
00:54:34,020 --> 00:54:36,982
I don't think
it's gonna be a great year.

1225
00:54:37,065 --> 00:54:38,900
-Uh…
-[audience laughing]

1226
00:54:38,984 --> 00:54:41,069
Seems like it's gonna be pretty annoying.

1227
00:54:41,987 --> 00:54:45,448
I'd say turn off the news once in a while,
but it's getting tougher to do.

1228
00:54:45,532 --> 00:54:49,202
Everyone's got dumb phones in your pocket.
Every time you open them, "Ah!"

1229
00:54:49,744 --> 00:54:53,623
Another jackass yelling at you, right?
"I just want to find a coffee place."

1230
00:54:53,707 --> 00:54:55,125
-"Oh! Ah!"
-[audience laughs]

1231
00:54:55,208 --> 00:54:56,876
Terrifying, these phones.

1232
00:54:56,960 --> 00:54:59,045
I had to describe
to my nephew the other day

1233
00:54:59,129 --> 00:55:01,214
what "nuclear Armageddon" was.

1234
00:55:01,298 --> 00:55:03,300
Yeah. Thanks for that, TikTok.

1235
00:55:03,383 --> 00:55:04,801
[audience laughing]

1236
00:55:04,884 --> 00:55:08,430
The kid had no idea what it was.
He's 17 years old, by the way. Yeah.

1237
00:55:08,513 --> 00:55:12,267
I was like, "Maybe there's an advantage
to being a C-student. Good for you."

1238
00:55:12,350 --> 00:55:14,644
[audience laughing]

1239
00:55:14,728 --> 00:55:16,021
[Tom laughs]

1240
00:55:16,104 --> 00:55:19,566
Everyone's yelling at him to read more.
He was happy until a week ago.

1241
00:55:19,649 --> 00:55:21,651
[audience laughing]

1242
00:55:23,945 --> 00:55:27,532
I was like, "Yeah, look. Yeah, look,
we're all gonna die one day,

1243
00:55:27,615 --> 00:55:30,910
and there's a way
we could all die on the same day."

1244
00:55:30,994 --> 00:55:33,455
[audience laughing]

1245
00:55:36,374 --> 00:55:38,752
So don't worry about it.
You can know too much in this world.

1246
00:55:38,835 --> 00:55:41,588
You can know too much.
You don't need all this information.

1247
00:55:41,671 --> 00:55:44,466
Just because it's feeding us all the time,
doesn't mean you need it.

1248
00:55:44,549 --> 00:55:46,092
You don't need it all. You know?

1249
00:55:46,176 --> 00:55:49,346
Sure, you can die in a nuclear attack.
You could also die in a squirrel attack.

1250
00:55:49,429 --> 00:55:52,349
I saw that on YouTube.
It's a horrible death.

1251
00:55:52,432 --> 00:55:54,893
They gouge out your eyes
and fill you with nuts.

1252
00:55:54,976 --> 00:55:56,978
[audience laughing]

1253
00:56:00,899 --> 00:56:02,859
You can know too much in this world,
my friends.

1254
00:56:02,942 --> 00:56:04,652
If someone gives you
a chocolate chip cookie,

1255
00:56:04,736 --> 00:56:06,488
you don't think about
what's in that cookie.

1256
00:56:06,571 --> 00:56:10,617
You don't think about all the butter,
and the fat, and the sugar, and salt.

1257
00:56:10,700 --> 00:56:12,243
Made with someone's hands.

1258
00:56:12,327 --> 00:56:13,495
Someone's hands!

1259
00:56:13,578 --> 00:56:16,456
[audience laughing]

1260
00:56:16,539 --> 00:56:19,709
They say it like it's a good thing.
"Here's a handmade cookie."

1261
00:56:19,793 --> 00:56:23,338
[audience laughing]

1262
00:56:27,342 --> 00:56:29,719
[laughter continues]

1263
00:56:31,721 --> 00:56:33,556
[Tom chuckles]

1264
00:56:33,640 --> 00:56:34,599
Don't think about that.

1265
00:56:34,682 --> 00:56:37,185
Someone gives you a cookie,
"Thank you!" [munching]

1266
00:56:37,268 --> 00:56:38,978
[audience laughing]

1267
00:56:39,062 --> 00:56:41,314
Do you want to know
all your friends' political views?

1268
00:56:41,398 --> 00:56:43,817
[chuckles]
Not if you want friends, you don't!

1269
00:56:43,900 --> 00:56:45,276
[audience laughing]

1270
00:56:45,360 --> 00:56:48,238
Don't ask those questions.
You can know too much.

1271
00:56:48,321 --> 00:56:49,531
I'll be honest with you.

1272
00:56:49,614 --> 00:56:52,909
I don't want to know what my wife
is thinking about most things

1273
00:56:52,992 --> 00:56:54,285
most of the time.

1274
00:56:54,369 --> 00:56:55,537
[audience laughing]

1275
00:56:55,620 --> 00:56:58,331
We've been happily married for 24 years.

1276
00:56:58,415 --> 00:57:01,251
You know why? We don't ask dumb questions.

1277
00:57:01,334 --> 00:57:02,752
[audience laughs]

1278
00:57:02,836 --> 00:57:05,296
[cheering and applause]

1279
00:57:07,507 --> 00:57:09,134
"Are you happy right now?"

1280
00:57:09,217 --> 00:57:11,803
"Is there anything
I should change about myself?"

1281
00:57:11,886 --> 00:57:13,680
We don't ask those questions.

1282
00:57:13,763 --> 00:57:17,100
You want to be happily married?
Shut up and keep going.

1283
00:57:17,183 --> 00:57:19,978
[audience roaring with laughter]

1284
00:57:20,061 --> 00:57:22,897
[cheering and applause]

1285
00:57:25,191 --> 00:57:26,943
[Tom laughs]

1286
00:57:27,026 --> 00:57:29,487
Couples therapy? Are you high?

1287
00:57:29,571 --> 00:57:30,530
[audience laughs]

1288
00:57:30,613 --> 00:57:34,075
Pay a stranger
to pick at your old fights? Hell no!

1289
00:57:34,159 --> 00:57:38,121
I tell my wife every night,
"Look, you're a mess. I'm a mess."

1290
00:57:38,204 --> 00:57:39,706
"Let's watch a show."

1291
00:57:39,789 --> 00:57:41,791
[audience laughing]

1292
00:57:43,334 --> 00:57:46,629
I'll be honest with you.
She doesn't like me right now.

1293
00:57:47,338 --> 00:57:51,301
She hasn't for, like, two months.
I have no idea why.

1294
00:57:51,384 --> 00:57:53,011
And I'm not gonna find out.

1295
00:57:53,094 --> 00:57:54,846
[audience laughing]

1296
00:57:54,929 --> 00:57:57,015
[applause]

1297
00:57:57,098 --> 00:57:58,975
She'll come back. She'll come back.

1298
00:57:59,517 --> 00:58:02,020
Twenty-four years.
She'll forget. She'll come back.

1299
00:58:02,687 --> 00:58:04,564
No, I love her to death. We're so solid.

1300
00:58:04,647 --> 00:58:07,108
If we didn't get divorced
from all the animals we live with,

1301
00:58:07,192 --> 00:58:08,193
we're gonna be fine.

1302
00:58:08,735 --> 00:58:11,696
I said when we were getting married,
"I'd love to start a family with you."

1303
00:58:11,779 --> 00:58:13,781
"That sounds wonderful.
I don't need pets."

1304
00:58:13,865 --> 00:58:17,243
She said, "I don't need pets either."
And she lied right to my face.

1305
00:58:17,327 --> 00:58:19,037
[audience laughing]

1306
00:58:19,120 --> 00:58:21,706
My wife and daughters went out
and got different animals

1307
00:58:21,789 --> 00:58:23,374
every single week.

1308
00:58:23,458 --> 00:58:26,669
I live in this weird Noah's ark.
You should see it.

1309
00:58:26,753 --> 00:58:28,671
Birds and fish and lizards.

1310
00:58:28,755 --> 00:58:32,717
We have a lizard.
It has a life expectancy of 50 years.

1311
00:58:32,800 --> 00:58:34,677
[audience laughing]

1312
00:58:34,761 --> 00:58:36,888
And it knows it. It knows it.

1313
00:58:36,971 --> 00:58:38,264
[audience laughing]

1314
00:58:38,348 --> 00:58:41,809
Just hangs out on his branch
and looks at me, like… [laughs mockingly]

1315
00:58:42,477 --> 00:58:44,479
"We both know who's winning this race."

1316
00:58:44,562 --> 00:58:46,022
[audience laughing]

1317
00:58:48,399 --> 00:58:49,526
Two crazy dogs.

1318
00:58:49,609 --> 00:58:52,487
We have this pug named Frank.
The thing is hilarious.

1319
00:58:52,570 --> 00:58:54,322
[cheering and applause]

1320
00:58:54,405 --> 00:58:56,449
It's like living with an alien.

1321
00:58:56,533 --> 00:58:58,243
It snores while it eats.

1322
00:58:58,326 --> 00:58:59,202
[audience laughs]

1323
00:58:59,285 --> 00:59:00,662
Who does that?

1324
00:59:00,745 --> 00:59:03,957
He's standing at his bowl, he's chewing
and he's swallowing. He's awake.

1325
00:59:04,040 --> 00:59:06,751
His eyes are closed.
He's snoring. He's asleep.

1326
00:59:06,834 --> 00:59:09,170
[audience laughing]

1327
00:59:09,254 --> 00:59:11,256
On Thanksgiving,
I went to move the cutting board,

1328
00:59:11,339 --> 00:59:12,674
after I carved the turkey,

1329
00:59:12,757 --> 00:59:15,385
and all the juice came
running down the bridges of it,

1330
00:59:15,468 --> 00:59:18,012
off the edge, right onto his face.

1331
00:59:18,096 --> 00:59:20,348
I never saw a dog laugh before.

1332
00:59:20,431 --> 00:59:22,433
[audience laughing]

1333
00:59:29,190 --> 00:59:33,570
He was so happy for half of the day.
Then the other half, he was miserable.

1334
00:59:33,653 --> 00:59:36,573
He smelled turkey
but didn't know where it was coming from.

1335
00:59:36,656 --> 00:59:38,449
[audience laughing]

1336
00:59:38,533 --> 00:59:41,327
[snoring]

1337
00:59:41,411 --> 00:59:43,955
[audience laughing]

1338
00:59:44,038 --> 00:59:47,917
And we've got this giant black lab,
who shits like a man.

1339
00:59:48,001 --> 00:59:49,836
[audience laughing]

1340
00:59:49,919 --> 00:59:51,504
Never seen anything like it.

1341
00:59:51,588 --> 00:59:54,424
And I have to scoop it up
and bring it back to the house,

1342
00:59:54,507 --> 00:59:56,634
like I'm bringing in wood for the storm.

1343
00:59:56,718 --> 00:59:58,720
[audience laughing]

1344
01:00:06,019 --> 01:00:09,230
And a cat, a psychotic serial killer cat,

1345
01:00:09,314 --> 01:00:10,773
who just kills for fun.

1346
01:00:10,857 --> 01:00:12,066
Doesn't eat any of it.

1347
01:00:12,150 --> 01:00:14,527
Just rips it to pieces and drops it off.

1348
01:00:14,611 --> 01:00:16,362
Here's a bird with no head.

1349
01:00:16,446 --> 01:00:17,363
"Oh!"

1350
01:00:17,447 --> 01:00:18,364
[audience laughs]

1351
01:00:18,448 --> 01:00:19,907
"Why would you do that?"

1352
01:00:19,991 --> 01:00:22,869
He looks at me like,
"Why would you ask me this question?"

1353
01:00:22,952 --> 01:00:24,954
[audience laughing]

1354
01:00:28,041 --> 01:00:30,501
"I give you a gift,
and this is how you treat me?"

1355
01:00:30,585 --> 01:00:32,545
[audience laughing]

1356
01:00:33,921 --> 01:00:37,300
It brings in live rats
and drops them in the laundry room.

1357
01:00:37,925 --> 01:00:41,638
Live rats! He goes to the yard, gets rats,
drags them in by their neck,

1358
01:00:41,721 --> 01:00:43,640
like the rat owes us money.

1359
01:00:43,723 --> 01:00:45,725
[audience laughing]

1360
01:00:47,769 --> 01:00:50,355
Of course my wife and I
aren't gonna like each other all the time.

1361
01:00:50,438 --> 01:00:54,359
We're now a rat-catching team.
This is how we spend our time.

1362
01:00:54,442 --> 01:00:57,278
I'm good with the magazine.
I can get it into the corner, you know?

1363
01:00:57,362 --> 01:00:58,237
I can pin it.

1364
01:00:58,321 --> 01:01:01,366
But then the three of us are looking
at each other. My wife, the rat, and I.

1365
01:01:01,449 --> 01:01:03,284
Someone's got to make a move.

1366
01:01:03,368 --> 01:01:06,663
Someone's got to grab this rat
by its ass and get it outside.

1367
01:01:06,746 --> 01:01:09,499
And I'll be honest with you.
I'm not doing it.

1368
01:01:09,582 --> 01:01:10,875
[audience laughing]

1369
01:01:10,958 --> 01:01:14,170
I didn't want these animals.
I'm not grabbing a rat trying to bite me.

1370
01:01:14,253 --> 01:01:16,923
I'm good at faking it.
Like I'm really trying, you know?

1371
01:01:17,006 --> 01:01:19,801
[audience laughing]

1372
01:01:19,884 --> 01:01:21,219
"They're so fast."

1373
01:01:21,302 --> 01:01:23,513
[audience laughing]

1374
01:01:23,596 --> 01:01:25,723
[laughs] My wife does it.
She gets impatient.

1375
01:01:25,807 --> 01:01:28,059
She grabs it and looks at me. "You sissy."

1376
01:01:28,142 --> 01:01:29,727
And takes it outside.

1377
01:01:30,228 --> 01:01:33,356
I'll be honest with you.
That's why I don't like her sometimes.

1378
01:01:33,439 --> 01:01:34,399
[audience laughs]

1379
01:01:34,482 --> 01:01:35,733
Who does that?

1380
01:01:35,817 --> 01:01:37,318
Now I've got to compartmentalize

1381
01:01:37,402 --> 01:01:40,113
that I'm not married
to old "Rat Fingers" Johnson.

1382
01:01:40,196 --> 01:01:42,573
[audience laughing]

1383
01:01:42,657 --> 01:01:45,743
The love of my life
is now covered in rat fingers.

1384
01:01:46,577 --> 01:01:50,039
"Oh, you don't want to fool around?
Maybe I'll make you a cookie."

1385
01:01:50,123 --> 01:01:51,916
[audience laughing]

1386
01:01:51,999 --> 01:01:54,460
Thank you so much for coming.
You guys were great.

1387
01:01:54,544 --> 01:01:55,962
[cheering and applause]

1388
01:01:56,045 --> 01:01:57,338
Thank you so much.

1389
01:01:57,422 --> 01:01:59,132
Take care of yourselves.

1390
01:01:59,966 --> 01:02:01,759
I'll see you next time around.

1391
01:02:01,843 --> 01:02:05,638
-[cheering and applause]
-["Soul Man" by The Blues Brothers plays]

1392
01:02:10,226 --> 01:02:11,811
♪ Comin' to ya ♪

1393
01:02:12,395 --> 01:02:13,688
♪ On a dusty road ♪

1394
01:02:14,897 --> 01:02:16,399
♪ Good lovin' ♪

1395
01:02:16,482 --> 01:02:17,942
♪ I got a truckload ♪

1396
01:02:18,776 --> 01:02:20,111
♪ And when you get it ♪

1397
01:02:20,737 --> 01:02:21,821
♪ You got something ♪

1398
01:02:21,904 --> 01:02:23,781
[upbeat music playing]