1 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:08,960 MYSTERIOUS VOCALISING 2 00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:12,960 HORSE NEIGHS 3 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:18,960 BIRDS CAWING 4 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:23,320 Grumio? Grumio, mate? 5 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:29,960 Marcus? 6 00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:34,640 Grumio. No. 7 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:36,960 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Grumio? 8 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:39,960 Grumio? No. MARCUS CRIES 9 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:41,960 Grumio, please don't be dead. 10 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:43,960 Don't be dead, Grumio. Don't be dead! 11 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:47,960 I'm sorry. 12 00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:50,960 Poor, sweet Grumio. 13 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:52,800 MARCUS SOBS 14 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,160 UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS 15 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:05,960 Hurry up, Grumio, you lazy slug. Why are you so slow? 16 00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,960 Told you we shouldn't have set off now, 17 00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,960 in between brekkie and me morning poo. 18 00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:10,960 I'm fully loaded over here. 19 00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:11,960 Yes. Well, not everything in life 20 00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:14,800 can be timed around your bowel movements, I'm afraid. 21 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:17,960 ALL: Hail! Hail! ELEPHANTS TRUMPET 22 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:37,320 Oh, you're kidding me! Now we'll definitely be late. 23 00:01:37,320 --> 00:01:39,960 Can't we just nip across this party, or whatever? 24 00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:42,960 It's not a party, you idiot. It's a victory parade. 25 00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:45,160 You don't just nip across. Ooh, victory? 26 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:47,960 Who'd they beat this time? The Parthians. 27 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,960 Looks like we kicked their arses. Fucking losers! 28 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,960 Ha-ha-ha! In your face, Parthians. 29 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:55,960 CHANTS: Who are ya? Who are ya? 30 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,960 Who, who, who are they, then, these Parthians? 31 00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,320 No idea. Either way, I'm not sure we should be cheering 32 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:01,960 the annihilation of another race. 33 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:03,960 It's their fault, in't it, for messing with t'best? 34 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,800 Come on. Let's go the long way round. 35 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:08,960 ELEPHANT TRUMPETS Bloody hell, what were that? 36 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:09,960 It sounds like we stole an elephant. 37 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:11,960 They can do that with their nose, apparently. 38 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:13,960 You what? This, I've got to see. 39 00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:14,960 Argh! Oh, sorry! 40 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,960 You're treading on my foot. Sorry. We just wanna see the elephant. 41 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:18,960 Well, I wanna see soldiers. 42 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,960 Remind myself what real men look like. 43 00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:22,960 Like professional murderers, I guess. 44 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:25,960 Well, not like some whiny pussy, whose mum still tucks him in. 45 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,960 You have a narrow definition of masculinity. 46 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,960 Touch me again, I'll lamp ya. 47 00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:31,960 And my mum doesn't tuck me in, thank you. 48 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:32,960 Bloody Nora, it's a whopper! 49 00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:34,960 Argh! 50 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,960 Argh! I warned you, dickhead. 51 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:40,960 Grumio, help me! Ha-ha-ha, this is quality. Ha-ha! 52 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:42,960 TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS 53 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,960 You're half an hour late. Yeah, sorry. 54 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:52,960 It was the army's fault for blocking the road. 55 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,960 And an old woman's fault for punching me in the face. 56 00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,960 And my slave's for not defending me. Defence in't my forte. 57 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,160 This is a slave whose licence you failed to renew. 58 00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:03,320 Grumio, is it? It is, yes. Hello. 59 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:05,960 Yeah, again, his fault for not completing the paperwork. 60 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,320 Paperwork's not my forte either. 61 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,960 I'm not sure he has a forte, to be honest. 62 00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,960 Well, why renew his licence, then? Wouldn't you rather just sell him? 63 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,960 What? Do you wanna buy him? 64 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,000 Definitely not. And there you go. 65 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,960 He's a dud, and I'm stuck with him. Pot, kettle, mate. 66 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:22,640 Right. Well, fill in this form, 67 00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:25,000 and return to collect your licence next week. 68 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,320 And don't be late this time. Yeah. 69 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:31,960 Well, can I use your back to write on? Oh! 70 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,960 And he says I don't have a forte. 71 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,960 UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS 72 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:46,960 GROANING 73 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,960 OK, darling. Right, next match, you V me. 74 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,320 No? All right, just follow him instead. 75 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:53,960 Don't blame you, he's a bleeding beefcake. 76 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,960 We're busy. Why are we busy? All right, boys? 77 00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:58,480 Yeah, I filled the place with soldiers. 78 00:03:58,480 --> 00:03:59,960 There's someone in me seat. 79 00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:02,960 It's a small price to pay, Grumio. This is amazing! 80 00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:03,960 I know, right? 81 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:04,960 I signed us up to this thing 82 00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:06,960 where businesses give freebies to soldiers. 83 00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:08,960 Freebies? Yeah. And then they all just pile in. 84 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:11,000 They're getting freebies? Yes. Why would you do that? 85 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,960 Erm, to show some appreciation to the heroes, maybe. 86 00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:16,960 Yeah. And to show some appreciation to the hotties that follow 'em in. 87 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:19,960 Although, they're only really interested in the heroes, though. 88 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:21,000 Sort of backfired in that respect. 89 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:22,960 It's backfired in every bloody respect. 90 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:25,960 This is a disaster! Yeah. Where am I meant to sit? 91 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,960 Excuse me?! Hello! 92 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:29,960 Hello, heroes and friends of heroes. 93 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,960 Just to say, we are no longer participating 94 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:33,960 in the free food and drink scheme. 95 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,640 You're more than welcome to stay, 96 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:36,960 but from now on, you'll have to pay. 97 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:37,960 GROANING 98 00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:40,960 We've already paid, mate, with our service. 99 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,960 OK. Well, from now on, you can pay with your money, 100 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:44,320 for our service. 101 00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:46,960 Is this guy for real? Are you for real? 102 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,480 Yes, I am. 103 00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:50,960 We just conquered Parthia for pricks like you, 104 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:51,960 and this is the thanks we get? 105 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:53,800 You didn't conquer it for me. 106 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:55,000 I was fine without Parthia, thank you. 107 00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:58,160 Some of us got killed. Yes. Well, not you, though, clearly. 108 00:04:58,160 --> 00:04:59,480 I got wounded, mate. 109 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:02,480 Picked up this baby on the final assault. 110 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:03,960 Did you? Really? 111 00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:04,960 Because I picked up a similar baby 112 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:06,960 falling off a pony when I was nine, so... 113 00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:08,960 Oh, I can't find it now. It must have faded. 114 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:11,960 Either way, you will have to pay, I'm afraid. 115 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:12,960 Well, come on, then, lads, 116 00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:14,960 let's go somewhere that values our sacrifice. 117 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:16,960 They're doing free chicken at The Beak Barn. 118 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,160 Yeah, that's more like it. 119 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:20,960 Come on. 120 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,640 You need to respect the eagle, boy. 121 00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:31,960 Oi, oi, oi! Stop it! Come on. 122 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,960 A couple more whacks, the whole thing'll come down. 123 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,480 All right, Landlord? 124 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:38,960 Salve, Grumio. Look at this. I have a message from the Emperor. 125 00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:40,960 Oh, right. Were that him there, then? 126 00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:43,960 Oh, yeah, yeah. He's very hands-on. What's it say? 127 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:45,960 "Following the victory in Parthia, 128 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:49,960 "His Holiness Augustus Caesar hereby calls an end to all wars 129 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:51,960 "and declares an era of lasting peace." 130 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,960 Oh, sweet! Peace is way better. 131 00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,960 Well, it's more peaceful, in't it? Yeah. 132 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:58,960 "As a result, our brave veterans will now need housing, 133 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,960 "and so he commands a series of purchase orders 134 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:04,960 "on selected tenements, including this one." 135 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,480 What? They're buying this place? And kicking us out, yeah. 136 00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,320 Don't kick us out. We love it here! 137 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:11,960 Well, I wouldn't go that far, but yeah, please don't kick us out. 138 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,960 That'd be a huge faff. Don't sweat it, boys. 139 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:17,960 You know me, I can wriggle out of it. 140 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:18,960 Cheers, Landlord. Nice. 141 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:20,000 "Given the inconvenience, 142 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,960 "we are prepared to offer an inflated price of a h..." 143 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:25,960 Bloody hell! Erm... 144 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:27,320 Right. So, does that mean...? 145 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:30,960 Well, maybe I can't wriggle out of it, actually. 146 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:33,960 Oh, super! Super-duper! 147 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:34,960 I mean, how have they done this? 148 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,960 In one day, these heroes have absolutely smashed 149 00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:37,960 my quality of life. 150 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,960 This must be what it's like for the bloody Parthians. 151 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:42,320 Look, I hear you, brother, and I agree. 152 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:44,960 It is jizz. It's red-hot jizz, OK? 153 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,960 But it's how we respond to this stuff that counts. 154 00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:49,960 Yes, yes. I know. Think of the positives. 155 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:51,960 Focus on what we've got. Well, no. 156 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:55,000 I was thinking more, we join the army. 157 00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:58,960 I'm sorry, what kind of response is that? 158 00:06:58,960 --> 00:06:59,960 Look, think about it. 159 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:01,960 As soon as we put them uniforms on, 160 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:03,960 we're gonna be drowning in hotties, free chicken. 161 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:06,160 And it doesn't matter if we get turfed out of this place 162 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:07,960 because they'll put us up in barracks. 163 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,960 You had me at free chicken, sweetheart. 164 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:12,000 And your quality of life, double naughty. 165 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:13,960 I mean, yeah, unless I get killed. 166 00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:16,160 Death wouldn't be ideal for my quality of life either. 167 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:17,960 Yeah, but you heard Landlord. 168 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,000 His Holiness has declared an era of lasting peace. 169 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:22,480 We'd have all the perks without any of the shit stuff, 170 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:23,800 eg, dying. 171 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:25,960 And we might get one of them bog-brush helmets. Exactly. 172 00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:29,320 Come on, man, there has never been a better time to sign up. 173 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:30,960 I turn 30 in a few weeks. 174 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,960 I'm not just starting again as a soldier. 175 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:37,160 Plus, there's the bar. We've got to think about that. 176 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:39,960 That place has got so much untapped potential. 177 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,960 AURELIUS: Look around you. They've trashed the place. 178 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,960 Me stock's gone, the plates are in pieces, 179 00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:48,960 and they've shat in the wine jugs. 180 00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:51,800 Ugh. It's quite impressive, actually. 181 00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:56,160 Oh! 182 00:07:56,160 --> 00:08:00,960 So, Jason, why do you want to join the armed forces? 183 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:04,960 Er, I guess, to impress girls, you know what I mean? 184 00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:08,480 OK. I'm going to put "to give something back to my country". 185 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:10,320 Cool. Yeah, yeah. That, too. Yeah. 186 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:13,960 Ooh! 187 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:14,960 Aaahhh! 188 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,960 Could you please tell me the motto of the Roman Army? 189 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:21,800 Uh, "kill strangers, get elephants"? 190 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:24,640 Almost. It's "strength and honour". 191 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:26,960 Well, they both work, don't they? 192 00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:31,960 WHISPERS: Yes! 193 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,960 What would you say is your greatest achievement? 194 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,960 That's a tricky one. There's so much to choose from. 195 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,960 I once ate a wheelbarrow full of cheese. 196 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:39,960 OK. Anything else? 197 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:41,960 I didn't cut my toenails for a year. 198 00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:43,960 I think I'll stick with the cheese. 199 00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:45,960 You're the boss. 200 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,960 Congratulations! Welcome to the army. 201 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:51,160 Ha! That was easier than I thought. 202 00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:52,960 Well, with so many soldiers retiring, 203 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,960 we're taking almost anyone at the moment. 204 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,960 OK. That makes sense now. 205 00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:58,960 And we get 2,000 denarii just for signing up. 206 00:08:58,960 --> 00:08:59,960 I can't believe it. I know! 207 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:02,480 I'm still waiting for the catch. I think it's coming now. 208 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,960 Oh, for Jove's sake, what are you doing here? 209 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,160 Erm, giving something back to my country, of course. 210 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:09,960 Did you follow us? 211 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,960 Well, let's not dwell on who followed who. 212 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:15,160 So, yes, then. Yes, I did. But who cares? 213 00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:16,960 We're together, is what matters. 214 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:18,960 This is a whole new adventure for us. 215 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,160 The Barracks Boys. 216 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,960 When do I learn how to strangle someone? 217 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:24,960 Recruits, fall in. 218 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:26,960 Which one's fall in? Sorry, mate. 219 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:28,320 Just stand still, golden tits. 220 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:30,800 Morning! 221 00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:35,960 My name is Centurion Gordian, 222 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:39,960 but YOU can call me sir. 223 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:43,960 My job is to turn you bunch of bed-wetters 224 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:47,960 into a crack troop of hardened killers. 225 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:51,960 Which, seeing as the Emperor has called an end to all war, 226 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:54,960 is a complete fucking waste of time. 227 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:58,960 We should just form a daisy chain and fucking tug each other dry. 228 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:03,000 But the big man is paying us... 229 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:06,960 ..so let's crack on with the oath. 230 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,960 Repeat after me, 231 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,960 I swear by the sacred gods of mine own honour... 232 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:14,960 ALL: I swear by the sacred gods of mine own honour... 233 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,960 '..that I will faithfully serve under the standards of Rome...' 234 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:22,800 ALL: '..that I will faithfully serve under the standards of Rome...' 235 00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:28,960 '..that I will follow my commander, wherever he may lead...' 236 00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:30,960 '..that I will obey orders enthusiastically 237 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,000 'and without question...' 238 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,160 '..that I will obey orders enthusiastically 239 00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:36,960 'and without question...' 240 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:41,960 '..that I will support my fellow soldiers...' 241 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:47,320 '..and I will never desert the legion.' 242 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:51,960 Having made this solemn oath, I congratulate you. 243 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,960 Welcome to the Second Legion. 244 00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,960 You are now soldiers of Rome. 245 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,960 Easy-peasy! 246 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,480 I told her I was a commando. I don't even know what that is. 247 00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:06,960 It's someone who don't wear undies. 248 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,960 That was definitely true by the end of the night. 249 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,960 I've got to hand it to you, Jason, I cannot believe how cushy this is. 250 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:14,960 I know! And it's just marching about, which is basically walking. 251 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:15,960 And not to stroke me own goat, 252 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,960 but I had nailed that by the age of two. 253 00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,960 And this is great. Uh-huh. 254 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:21,000 I didn't catch much of that, Grumio, 255 00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:23,960 but I'm assuming it was something about the free chicken. 256 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,960 THEY CHUCKLE 257 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:36,320 I need 400 sacks of grain, 258 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:39,480 200 packhorses and 3,000 cabbages. 259 00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:41,960 Oh, that's a big recipe. What are you making, a stew? 260 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,960 CHUCKLES No, no. 261 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:46,960 We had news last night of a barbarian invasion 262 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:47,960 on our northern border. 263 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,480 Oh, really? Where's that, then? 264 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:52,960 Frisia. About a three-week march away. 265 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,960 Oh, that's fine. They won't get here for ages. 266 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,960 They won't get here at all, ideally. 267 00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,960 We're sending the Second Legion to drive them back. 268 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,640 Nice one! That'll learn 'em. 269 00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:02,960 But that's us. We're the Second Legion. 270 00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,960 Oh, shit! That is us. There we go. The penny's dropped. 271 00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,960 Yes, the Emperor's put us on an immediate war footing, you see. 272 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,960 But what about the era of lasting peace? 273 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:13,960 I suppose it didn't last very long, did it? As per. 274 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:16,960 Did you hear the news, lads? Go pack your bollocks. 275 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:18,960 We're going to war, baby. Come on! 276 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:22,480 Let's kill some filthy foreign fucks. Yes! 277 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,000 Strength and honour, then. 278 00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,960 Strength and honour. 279 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:41,160 War?! Fucking war? 280 00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:43,960 "There's never been a better time to sign up," you said. 281 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:44,960 Well, don't blame me. 282 00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:48,000 Blame the barbarians for invading, or the Emperor for getting wound up. 283 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,960 Chill out. It'll be fine. 284 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,960 I'm sorry, what? War will be fine? 285 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:53,960 Probs. 286 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:55,960 Yeah. Look, it might even be good. 287 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:57,960 Right, we toddle up there, fight some foreigners, 288 00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:58,960 bang some birds and then we toddle back. 289 00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:00,960 It'll be like a lads' holiday. 290 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:03,960 Of course it won't. It will be horrible. 291 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:06,960 War is not for guys like us, OK? Let alone Grumio. 292 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,960 What? Why "let alone Grumio"? 293 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:10,960 What part of soldiering in't for me? 294 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:11,960 Well, let's have a think, shall we? 295 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:13,960 Erm, getting out of bed, making your bed. 296 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,640 Two things you struggle with in the first few minutes of the day. 297 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:18,960 And how will you cope with the bloodthirsty barbarians? 298 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,960 Well, I'll give them a wide berth, obviously. 299 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,960 And if shit gets nasty, I'll play dead. 300 00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:26,960 I think you won't have to play dead, Grumio, when you will just be dead. 301 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,160 Don't worry about me, son. I'll ace it. 302 00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:30,960 MARCUS SCOFFS 303 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,960 Hey, if you're not up for it, mate, 304 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:35,320 then how's about you just don't come? 305 00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:37,320 Well, no, because that's desertion. 306 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:39,960 And according to our oath, that is not cool. 307 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,960 MARCUS BREATHES HEAVILY 308 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,160 Grumio, pass me that knife. 309 00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:45,960 I'm gonna chop my pinkie off. 310 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,640 What? How's that gonna help? 311 00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:48,960 The army needs you to have all ten fingers. 312 00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:50,960 It's a bit chicken-y. Don't fucking judge me. 313 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,960 I meant the knife, it's covered in chicken juice. 314 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:54,960 That's fine. Just give it here. 315 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:55,960 HE EXHALES 316 00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,960 Goodbye, little finger. 317 00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:00,960 Never really used you, 318 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,960 but I thank you for your sacrifice to save the rest of me, so... 319 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:05,960 MARCUS EXHALES 320 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:10,160 If I can just... bring myself to do it. 321 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:15,960 MARCUS WINCES 322 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:16,960 OK, I am a bit chicken-y. 323 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:20,960 War it is, then. Good choice! I'll get one more for the road. 324 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,960 Excuse me! 325 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,160 LIVELY MUSIC 326 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:11,320 Company, fall out. 327 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:15,960 Fall out, not fall down, Gallo, you ugly turd. 328 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,960 On your feet, man. 329 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,960 Welcome. Welcome to the garrison. 330 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:22,960 It's a bit of a sausage party, innit? 331 00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:25,960 What, the army? Yeah, it is. What were you expecting? 332 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,960 Well, like, a girl in every port. That's the saying, innit? 333 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:31,960 Yeah, about the navy. Is it? Shit! 334 00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:34,960 Saw a hot blonde standing in a field a couple of days back. 335 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:35,960 That was a scarecrow, Grumio. 336 00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:38,960 A hot scarecrow, then. GORDIAN: Company, attention! 337 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:39,960 ALL: Sir. 338 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,960 Get yourselves in groups of four, and grab a tent from the pile. 339 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,160 Chop, chop! Get to it! 340 00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:47,960 And a one, two, three, four, they call us The Canvas Crew. 341 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,640 I don't think they do, actually. No fucking way, mate. 342 00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:51,960 But why not? We're a ready-made foursome. 343 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:54,960 Er, well, because our tent's full. 344 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,960 Yeah, we're already a foursome, mate. 345 00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:58,960 What? How? Who with? 346 00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:00,960 Oh, God, where's he gone? 347 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,960 It's a bit of a sausage fest, innit? 348 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,960 There he is. Oi, mate! Remind me your name again. 349 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,960 Draco Fructus. Why? 350 00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:09,960 That's the one. And you're in a tent with us, right? 351 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,960 Yeah. So, whatever! 352 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:13,960 Sorry, bro. We can't let Draco Fructus down. 353 00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:16,960 All right, lads, do you want to share a tent? 354 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:17,960 No, OK. 355 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,960 Greetings, Centurion. Welcome to Frisia. 356 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:22,960 Thank you, sir. Glad to be here. 357 00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,960 You shouldn't be. This place is a total toilet. 358 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,960 Yeah. Foreign milk tastes weird, doesn't it, Corporal? 359 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,960 Oh, it does, sir. Pillows are weird as well. 360 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,960 No fluff to them at all, is there, Corporal? 361 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,960 Oh, they are very flat, sir. Disgustingly flat. 362 00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,960 Well, let's hope these newbies are up to snuff, 363 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:36,960 so we can get out of this dump, pronto. 364 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:38,960 They certainly are, sir. 365 00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,640 GRUMIO: Where's the corners? That man's stuck in a tent. 366 00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:43,640 GRUMIO: Which way's the right? Get off me! 367 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:45,960 For fuck's sake! 368 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,800 Get off me! 369 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:49,320 Ridiculous! 370 00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:52,960 GORDIAN: Go. Move, move, move, move, move, move, move. Move! 371 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,960 Come on. That's it, boys. Move on through there. 372 00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:59,640 And the next! Let's go. Go on, that's it, wee man. 373 00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:01,960 Faster, Gallo, you boneless dick! 374 00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:04,960 Go, go, go! That's it, that's it! 375 00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,640 Keep moving. Come on, Gallo. Pathetic. 376 00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:09,480 You're like a lifeless testicle. 377 00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:13,960 Concentrate, Gallo, 378 00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:16,800 that wrist's had enough practice, hasn't it? 379 00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:18,960 Well done, Grumio. That's nice and shiny. 380 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:25,320 Don't just hang there, Gallo, you miserable streak of spunk. 381 00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:26,960 Pull up! 382 00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:33,960 OK, shit birds, the moment you've all been waiting for. 383 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,960 Combat training. 384 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,480 I need a volunteer. 385 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:41,960 Go on, then, sir, I'll have a bash. Good man. 386 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,960 Grab a sword. All right. Oh! 387 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:46,960 Now, I want you to edge forward, 388 00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:48,960 side on and stab it. 389 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:50,960 Yes, sir. I'll do my best. 390 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,160 Good. Good stance. 391 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,960 Low centre of gravity. 392 00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:58,960 Did you spar back in Rome? 393 00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:00,960 Well, the bath house did have a steam room, yeah. 394 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,960 Did you fight at home? 395 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:04,960 No, sir. I mostly ate and slept. 396 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,960 Ah, then, you must be a natural. 397 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:08,960 MARCUS SCOFFS AND CHUCKLES 398 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:11,960 You disagree, do you, legionary? 399 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:15,800 Well, perhaps you would like to show us how it's done. 400 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:17,960 Oh, yes, please do, legionary. 401 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:20,960 OK. 402 00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:25,960 So, something like... Side on. 403 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:30,160 I ordered you to stab, not swipe! 404 00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:31,800 Got it. "Got it, sir." 405 00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,960 Got it, sir. All right. It's quite heavy, innit? 406 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:34,960 Side on! 407 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,960 I ordered you to stab, not swipe! 408 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:39,960 Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab! 409 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,960 Oh, oh! Did I say you could stop?! 410 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:45,960 Sorry, sir, I just got a splinter. A splinter? Oh, shit! 411 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,960 Oh, is that why you're wailing like a baby being buggered, is it? 412 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:49,960 SOLDIERS LAUGH 413 00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:54,160 How in Jove's name are you gonna cope with actual barbarians? 414 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:55,960 Will they be made of wood, sir? 415 00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:58,160 No, legionary, they will not be made of wood! 416 00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:01,160 They will be made of pure savagery and hatred! 417 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:02,960 Something you'd better be ready for 418 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:05,960 if you're gonna be in the front line of the Roman fucking Army. 419 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,640 Sorry, in the front line? 420 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:10,960 Stand down, Gallo, you quivering anus. 421 00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:12,960 And shut up. 422 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:16,960 Pathetic! 423 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,160 The front line? 424 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,160 I thought we'd be hidden in the middle somewhere. 425 00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:25,960 The front line's closest to the action. That's what you want. 426 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:27,960 If you're at a gig, yes. Not at a war. 427 00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:29,960 Hey, we'll be first into enemy territory, 428 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,960 so dibs on the spoils, if you know what I'm saying? 429 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,800 Oh-ho, yeah. I'm gonna spoils myself rotten. 430 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:37,960 Oh, yeah, man, we'll scoop up some of that sweet barbarian booty. 431 00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:40,960 The booty! The fruity booty! 432 00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:41,960 Sorry, just to be clear, 433 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:43,800 are you talking about sexual assault? 434 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,960 No! I don't think so. What? Are we? 435 00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:47,320 No. No, not exactly. 436 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:50,640 Pillaging booty is a well-known part of the war experience. 437 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:52,960 Consensual pillaging, yeah? Well, they're foreign, 438 00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:54,960 so it's hard to know what they're saying. 439 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,800 Don't worry about it. It's a grey area. 440 00:19:57,800 --> 00:19:58,960 It's quite dark grey, though, innit? 441 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,960 Booty! Uh-huh. 442 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:03,960 Little tip from the top, I apply oil to my lips to keep them lubed. 443 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,000 Aurelius, where've you been? Why weren't you at training? 444 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:09,960 And what's with the curly sword? It's my big bugle, if you must know. 445 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,960 Top brass saw I had music skills on my forms 446 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:12,960 and transferred me to the Empire Band. 447 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,960 The band? What, do you still have to do soldiering, or what? 448 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:17,960 No. We just play tunes at the back. 449 00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:20,960 Which is a shame cos I'm also an excellent archer. 450 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:21,960 But hey-ho. 451 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,960 Can we get transferred to the Empire Band? 452 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:24,960 I doubt it. 453 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,960 You need at least grade five in a wind instrument. 454 00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,800 And, no, your bottom doesn't count. 455 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:29,960 THEY LAUGH 456 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:32,640 Come on, band of brothers, let's leave these losers behind. 457 00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:36,960 I'll catch you guys in a bit. Hey, where you going? 458 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:38,960 We're trying out defensive manoeuvres. 459 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:41,640 Yeah. Yeah, so am I. 460 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:51,960 Hello there. I'm here to see the senior officer. 461 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,960 I've just arrived from Rome. Oh, yes, of course. 462 00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:57,000 The General's just through there. Through here? Uh-huh. 463 00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:59,960 In you go, then. He's here, sir! 464 00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:06,480 General Diomedes, sir. Ah-ha, and about time too. 465 00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:08,960 Where do you want me, on the couch, the desk? 466 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:09,960 Er, wherever you like. 467 00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:11,960 It was just to ask about the possibility of, er... 468 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:14,960 I can't tell you how desperately I've needed someone with expertise. 469 00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:20,960 Come on, then, hop to it. 470 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:22,960 My neck and shoulders are in absolute knots. 471 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:27,960 Chop, chop! Right. Yes. Yeah. 472 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,960 Ah. 473 00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:38,960 Senator Macrobius was singing your praises. 474 00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:42,320 Said you had the magic touch. That's... kind of him? 475 00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:44,640 Hence why I had you sent from Rome. 476 00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:48,640 The doctors they have here are weird with weird smelly hands. 477 00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:52,960 Don't hold back. Really get in there, nice and deep. 478 00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:55,960 Ah, yes, that's it. Is it? 479 00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:58,960 I mean... yes, I know it is. 480 00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:01,320 Am I knotty? I imagine I'm knotty. Extremely knotty. 481 00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:05,000 Have you been doing anything stressful recently? 482 00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:07,960 Yes, I'm the General of the Roman Army during a military campaign. 483 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:10,960 And that explains it. Ah. 484 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:14,160 You know what? I think you need me in here with you full time. 485 00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:16,960 CLICK What was that? Was that a click? 486 00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:19,960 Yes, it was. But it was a good click. 487 00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:22,960 I clicked it on purpose. Well, it didn't feel like a good click. 488 00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:25,960 Well, which one of us is the expert? Excuse me, sir. 489 00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:29,800 Sorry to interrupt. What is it, Corporal? I'm busy. 490 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:32,960 The masseur has just arrived from Rome. Yes, I know, evidently. 491 00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:35,320 Ah, no. 492 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:41,960 This is my masseur? Ergo, this is not my masseur? 493 00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:44,960 Who the fuck are you, please? Marcus Gallo. Hi. 494 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:47,960 I'm a legionary in the Second. I came to request a transfer, but... 495 00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:49,960 You started massaging me? I did, yes. 496 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:52,960 It just felt like the right thing to do. 497 00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:54,960 You clicked my neck, you fool. Sorry about that. 498 00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:57,640 Even so, I do think I'd be better in a non-combat role, all the same. 499 00:22:57,640 --> 00:22:58,960 Why did you let him in here, Thaddeus? 500 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,960 I thought... Well, exactly. You should give me HIS job. 501 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:03,960 I would never have let me in here. No way. Get out! 502 00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:04,960 Yes, sir. Now! 503 00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:17,960 Oh, you missed a good one today, Marcus. 504 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:19,960 Yeah. Gordian taught us this formation called the tortoise. 505 00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:23,000 Does it involve moving very slowly and living to a ripe old age? 506 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:24,960 Cos that sounds ideal. 507 00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:30,960 Hey, I know you from somewhere. Where do I know you from? 508 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:33,960 No. No, I'm a stranger. 509 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:35,960 Hey, Virgil, how do I know this guy? 510 00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:38,960 The Crown And Toga, in Rome. Wouldn't serve you free drinks. 511 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:39,960 Thank you, Grumio (!) 512 00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:41,960 LAUGHS Yes, that's how I know him. 513 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:43,960 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The shirty barman. 514 00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:47,960 What are you doing here? You weren't a huge fan of the army, as I recall. 515 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:50,960 Yes. Well, I needed a new vocation after my workplace 516 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:53,800 was mysteriously trashed. Oh, was it really? 517 00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:55,960 That's a shame. Shame. THEY LAUGH 518 00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:58,960 Well, the military is no place for a little puss boy like you. 519 00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:02,640 You'll be cacking your panties when those barbarians show up. 520 00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:04,960 No, I won't, won't be doing that. BLOWS RASPBERRY 521 00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:07,960 I'll be repelling them, if anything. Yeah, with the smell of your pants. 522 00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:12,480 MIMICS THEIR LAUGH No. With my acts of valour. 523 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:14,960 Because, for your information, I'm thriving here. 524 00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:18,160 I'm really impressing and wowing people, actually. 525 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:21,960 Legionary Gallo, I know you missed training today and I know why, 526 00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:23,960 you filthy little bitch. 527 00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:26,960 Muster up the unit by the tents in one hour. 528 00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:28,960 Yes, sir. One hour, fuck knuckle. 529 00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:34,960 He seemed impressed, didn't he? Oh, yeah. He was well impressed. 530 00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:39,320 SHRIEKING LAUGHTER 531 00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:43,960 This afternoon, it was brought to my attention 532 00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:47,960 that a member of our unit stole into the General's quarters 533 00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:51,960 and assaulted his naked body. Assaulted's a bit strong. 534 00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:56,960 Accordingly, there will be a punishment for the entire unit. 535 00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:59,960 ALL GROAN So, we shall be doing a dawn patrol. 536 00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:02,960 Paying a friendly visit to some local villages, 537 00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:04,320 making our presence felt. 538 00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:06,960 I'll make them feel MY presence, all right. 539 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:09,320 Well, yeah, ask them to. Not make 'em. 540 00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:12,960 Grumio, I am promoting you to Legionary First Class 541 00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:14,160 in recognition of your progress. 542 00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:17,960 You will carry the eagle on patrol. Can you handle that? 543 00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:20,960 Will it peck me, sir? It's made of solid gold. 544 00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:22,960 Then I can handle it, sir. Good. 545 00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:25,960 I suggest we all get some sleep. We're up at first light. 546 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:29,960 OK. What are you doing? What are you on about? 547 00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:34,960 What? Obeying orders? Being... good? What are you up to? 548 00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:36,960 Nothing. He's my commanding officer. He outranks me. 549 00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:39,960 So do I. I'm literally your master and you have never done a thing 550 00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:42,960 I've asked you to, let alone call me "sir". 551 00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:45,960 Odd that, in't it? Maybe it's just a question of respect. 552 00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,480 If anything, you should be calling me sir now. 553 00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:49,960 OK. Just remember who the boss is here. 554 00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:52,960 Probably the lad with the solid gold eagle. 555 00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:34,960 Hey. 556 00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:38,960 # We're going to a village We'll have a little pillage 557 00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:41,960 # I need to do my duty Let's go and grab some booty 558 00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:46,960 # Before we stick it in Let's get their permission. # 559 00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:50,960 Well, no booty for me, thanks, guys. 560 00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:52,960 I've-I've got a sweetheart waiting for me back home. 561 00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:55,960 Ah, that's nice. Yep. I keep a picture in my pocket 562 00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:57,960 so I can see her every day until we're reunited. 563 00:26:57,960 --> 00:27:00,960 Can you not do that, please? Marcus is a bit unlucky in love. 564 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:02,960 It's just, it's making me a bit uncomfortable. 565 00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:05,960 We're getting married when I'm back. It just feels like tempting fate. 566 00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:07,960 There will be a big party and you'll all be invited. 567 00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:10,960 Oh, wicked, cheers! It'll be the happiest day of my life. 568 00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:12,960 Shut up, please! Sorry, dude. No offence! 569 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:15,960 Chill out, dude! He's just wanging on about his sweetheart. 570 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:18,960 RUSTLING 571 00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:22,960 Sir, there's something in t'trees. 572 00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:30,960 Oh, and by the way, sir, I absolutely love my new hat. Shh! 573 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:33,960 MEN SHOUTING 574 00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:38,960 SHOUTING GETTING LOUDER 575 00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:44,960 AXE WHOOSHES 576 00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:50,800 It's an ambush! 577 00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:55,000 Testudo, move up! Testudo! Testudo! 578 00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:58,640 What? What does that mean? Tortoise formation! 579 00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:01,960 That was the one I missed! Just get under your shield! 580 00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:04,960 Fuck, I don't like it. 581 00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:12,640 I don't like it! 582 00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:24,960 Oh, my fucking God! 583 00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:31,960 Fuck me! 584 00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:35,960 Get off me! 585 00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:43,960 Let's get out of here! 586 00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:46,640 I don't think that's really allowed, is it? Who cares?! 587 00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:50,800 OK. Fair enough. Let's go. 588 00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:10,960 Grumio? 589 00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:14,960 The barbarians have definitely gone home. 590 00:29:14,960 --> 00:29:17,640 Yeah, for now. Go on, then. 591 00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:27,960 Grumio. Grumio, mate. 592 00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:33,640 Oh, sorry! Sorry, mate. Who are you saying sorry to? 593 00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:35,960 The dead guys. I keep stepping on them. 594 00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:36,960 Sorry, sir. 595 00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:40,960 Grumio. 596 00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:45,960 Have you found him? No, it's just someone else with a shit haircut. 597 00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:50,960 Grumio? Grumio, mate. Grumio. 598 00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:56,960 Marcus! 599 00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:04,640 Oh, Grumio. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Grumio. 600 00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:05,960 Grumio. No. 601 00:30:07,960 --> 00:30:09,640 Grumio, please don't be dead. 602 00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:12,960 Don't be dead, Grumio, don't be dead! 603 00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:15,160 SOBBING: I'm sorry. 604 00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:17,960 Poor, sweet Grumio. 605 00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:24,960 All right, chill out. You're not dead?! 606 00:30:24,960 --> 00:30:26,960 No, I'm playing dead, like I said I would. 607 00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:29,640 Bloody hell, G-man. Thank fuck for that! 608 00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:32,640 Come on, then. Get this big bastard off me. 609 00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:37,160 OK. Let's get out of here. 610 00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:38,960 I'm not loving the vibe. 611 00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:42,960 Sorry. 612 00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:49,960 You were so still. I totally thought you was a goner. 613 00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:53,960 I actually fell asleep for a bit. That barbarian was so cosy. 614 00:30:53,960 --> 00:30:56,960 Yeah, I think Rome's due south, whichever way that is. 615 00:30:56,960 --> 00:30:59,000 OK, cool. I'm on it. Rome? 616 00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:01,960 Who cares about Rome? We're going back to camp. 617 00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:04,960 Are you kidding me? We're not going back to the army ever again. 618 00:31:04,960 --> 00:31:06,480 We swore an oath. 619 00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:08,960 If we don't go back now, we're a bunch of shitty deserters. 620 00:31:08,960 --> 00:31:11,960 Yeah. Well, I think I finally found my ideal role in the army. 621 00:31:11,960 --> 00:31:13,960 You lily-livered bastard. 622 00:31:13,960 --> 00:31:15,960 I'm sorry. Which one of us played dead? 623 00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:19,960 As Legionary First Class, I order you to take me back to camp. 624 00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:23,480 And as your master, I laugh in the face of your orders. Ha! 625 00:31:24,960 --> 00:31:27,960 But it's up to you, Grumio. You can toddle off back to camp 626 00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:29,160 and die in a horrid battle, 627 00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:31,000 or you can head south with me and Jason. 628 00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:33,960 Which is this way, by the way. Is it? Yeah. 629 00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:36,320 How do you know that? Oh, me and my dad used to go camping, right? 630 00:31:36,320 --> 00:31:38,960 We'd always work out the route by the sploshing of the rivers, 631 00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:40,960 the squawking of the geese, like... Oh, yeah. 632 00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:42,960 Over to you, then. 633 00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:44,960 We should get rid of these uniforms, though, 634 00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:46,960 with all these barbarians knocking about. 635 00:31:46,960 --> 00:31:47,960 I prefer not to look like a Roman soldier. 636 00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:49,960 Yeah, good shout. No, me neither. 637 00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:54,960 And nor would General Grumio, it seems. 638 00:31:59,960 --> 00:32:02,960 MUSIC: 'Chase The Devil' by Max Romeo and The Upsetters 639 00:32:02,960 --> 00:32:09,960 # I'm gonna put on a iron shirt And chase Satan out of Earth 640 00:32:09,960 --> 00:32:12,480 # I'm gonna put on a iron shirt 641 00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:15,960 # And chase the devil Out of Earth... # 642 00:32:15,960 --> 00:32:17,960 BIRD CAWS 643 00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:19,960 MIMICS BIRD 644 00:32:19,960 --> 00:32:22,960 # To find another race 645 00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:26,000 # I'm gonna send him to outta space 646 00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:29,800 # To find another race 647 00:32:29,800 --> 00:32:31,960 # Satan is a evilous man 648 00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:34,960 # But him can't chocks it on I-man 649 00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:38,640 # So when I check him My lassing hand 650 00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:41,960 # And if him slip I gaan with him hand 651 00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:44,960 # I'm gonna put on a iron shirt 652 00:32:44,960 --> 00:32:48,320 # And chase Satan out of Earth 653 00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:50,960 # I'm gonna put on a iron shirt... # 654 00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:53,960 They slaughtered every last man in the unit, sir, and took the eagle. 655 00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:56,480 What? They took the eagle? That's outrageous. 656 00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:58,640 And slaughtered every last man in the unit. 657 00:32:58,640 --> 00:33:00,960 Yes, of course, and it's sad. 658 00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:03,960 Excuse me, sir. Sorry to interrupt. Aurelius Leifer, bugle man. 659 00:33:03,960 --> 00:33:06,960 Just to say, there are three men I can't find among the dead, sir. 660 00:33:06,960 --> 00:33:10,960 Names? Marcus Gallo, Jason Brindisi and Grumio Grumio. 661 00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:13,960 You said Gallo? Well, he's the arsehole that buggered my neck. 662 00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:16,960 It's because of that charlatan I can no longer turn my head. 663 00:33:16,960 --> 00:33:19,960 Look at this. I have to wheel around like a bloody weather vane. 664 00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:21,960 He's not in my list of the dead, sir. Nor are the other two. 665 00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:24,960 And yet they've not reported back. Ergo, they must be deserters. 666 00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:26,960 Well, that makes total sense, sir. 667 00:33:26,960 --> 00:33:28,960 They already deserted me as a friend. 668 00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:31,320 Optio? Sir? Alert the tracker. 669 00:33:31,320 --> 00:33:32,960 If anyone can hunt down these deserters, 670 00:33:32,960 --> 00:33:35,960 it's that brooding bastard. Oh, the tracker sounds cool. 671 00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:37,960 Oh, he is... very cool. 672 00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:39,960 Then if I may, sir, I'd like to go too. 673 00:33:39,960 --> 00:33:42,800 You see, I know these guys like my own shadow. 674 00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:44,960 I've worked with them, eaten with them, slept with them. 675 00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:47,320 I've slept NEAR them. I haven't had sex with any of them. 676 00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:49,960 Yes, yes. Very well. You may accompany him. 677 00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:51,960 Help bring these treacherous shits to justice. 678 00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:53,480 You can count on me, sir. 679 00:33:53,480 --> 00:33:55,960 They'll get their just deserts as deserters. 680 00:33:56,960 --> 00:33:59,960 The deserters will get their deserts, sir. 681 00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:04,960 And let's find whichever barbarian pig fucker stole the eagle 682 00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:06,960 and raze their village to the ground. 683 00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:10,960 And our dead soldiers, sir? Yes, of course. 684 00:34:10,960 --> 00:34:13,960 Give them a dignified funeral. But do start with the eagle. 685 00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:23,000 Oh, it's chuffing chilly up north, in't it? 686 00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:25,960 Yeah, on reflection, dumping our uniform wasn't the best idea. 687 00:34:25,960 --> 00:34:28,960 Hold tight, boys. We'll soon feel the Roman sun on our backs. 688 00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:31,960 In the meantime, we could put on these uniforms down by this tree. 689 00:34:31,960 --> 00:34:33,960 Those are our uniforms. Even better, then. 690 00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:36,160 No. Much worse! 691 00:34:36,160 --> 00:34:38,960 It means we've been walking in a massive circle all day. 692 00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:40,960 But I was following the river and water always goes south. 693 00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:44,160 Well, it goes down, yeah. Yeah, exactly. The same thing. 694 00:34:44,160 --> 00:34:47,960 Is down the same as south? No, it isn't. 695 00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:49,960 Yes. What? Is it? Huh? 696 00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:53,480 Sorry, Jason. What exactly did your dad teach you 697 00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:54,640 on these camping trips? 698 00:34:54,640 --> 00:34:55,960 Well, I was on his shoulders most of the time, 699 00:34:55,960 --> 00:34:57,960 so I couldn't always hear what he was saying 700 00:34:57,960 --> 00:35:00,960 and, to be fair, we mainly camped in the garden, so... 701 00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:03,800 OK. So, you never got lost in the garden? 702 00:35:03,800 --> 00:35:04,960 Well, no. That's it. Never. 703 00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:07,960 Right. It feels like it's time for a lunch break. 704 00:35:07,960 --> 00:35:08,960 Let's go and hunt down some scran. 705 00:35:08,960 --> 00:35:12,320 See, my dad would know all about that. 706 00:35:12,320 --> 00:35:14,960 Well, I wish we'd brought him instead. Yeah, big time. 707 00:35:20,960 --> 00:35:23,960 So tell me, what are they like, these deserters? 708 00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:25,960 It's good to know what I'm dealing with. 709 00:35:25,960 --> 00:35:27,960 Oh, they're... they're mean. 710 00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:31,480 Mean? As in tough? 711 00:35:31,480 --> 00:35:33,960 No. Sorry. Mean as in not very nice. 712 00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:37,960 They're rude, basically. Rude? Huh, now I am scared. 713 00:35:37,960 --> 00:35:41,960 Rude how? Oh, I mean, where do I start? 714 00:35:41,960 --> 00:35:44,960 So, one of them, Marcus, I met while working as a waterman 715 00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:47,960 at Rome's third largest grain supply company. 716 00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:50,960 He and his buddy, Stylax, were constantly calling me names, 717 00:35:50,960 --> 00:35:53,960 sneaking stuff into my jug. Undermining me, basically. 718 00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:56,960 Probably payback because I'd smooched this Breton he fancied. 719 00:35:56,960 --> 00:35:59,640 Not my fault. She couldn't keep her hands off me. She's only human. 720 00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:01,960 Then, when Stylax got squashed by a slab of marble, 721 00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:04,320 I thought Marcus would go easy. But then Jason comes in 722 00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:06,960 and, actually, if anything, things got even worse. 723 00:36:06,960 --> 00:36:09,960 And Jason is...? Another deserter. And total scumbag. 724 00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:12,960 No sooner had I met him, than he's making me hide the corpse 725 00:36:12,960 --> 00:36:14,480 of a well-known restaurant critic. 726 00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:16,960 Then he sabotaged me in the Rome marathon. 727 00:36:16,960 --> 00:36:18,960 Made me eat my own poo. Ruined my career as an escort... 728 00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:21,960 Hold on! You ate your own shit? 729 00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:22,960 Yes, because I'd lost a bet, you see. 730 00:36:22,960 --> 00:36:25,000 But he didn't need to make me go through with it. 731 00:36:25,000 --> 00:36:27,960 This is what I'm talking about. They're mean guys. 732 00:36:27,960 --> 00:36:30,960 And don't even get me started on the little one. 733 00:36:30,960 --> 00:36:32,960 He looks exactly like a mushroom. 734 00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:35,960 He once ate a crab as though it was a pie. 735 00:36:35,960 --> 00:36:37,960 Just picked it up, like it was a pie. 736 00:36:37,960 --> 00:36:40,960 Bit it, hurt his tooth. Of course he did, it's a crab. 737 00:36:48,960 --> 00:36:51,960 Hey, I've found an apple. Sweet. Give it here, then. 738 00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:53,960 No, no, stop! We've got to share it, obviously. 739 00:36:53,960 --> 00:36:56,960 Fine. We'll take bites in turns. No. No, no, Grumio. 740 00:36:56,960 --> 00:36:59,800 You'll eat it all in one. Yeah, we should slice it up evenly. 741 00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:01,960 How? We haven't got a knife? We've got swords. 742 00:37:01,960 --> 00:37:04,960 Oh, yeah, I forgot about these. 743 00:37:04,960 --> 00:37:06,960 Probably should have used it in the ambush. 744 00:37:06,960 --> 00:37:08,960 Oh, well, too late now. 745 00:37:08,960 --> 00:37:10,960 Stab, don't swipe. Don't you start with that. 746 00:37:10,960 --> 00:37:13,960 HORSE WHINNIES WHISPERS: Barbarians, get down. 747 00:37:15,960 --> 00:37:18,960 OK, everyone quiet and still. 748 00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:24,960 APPLE CRUNCHES 749 00:37:27,960 --> 00:37:28,960 What the fuck, Grumio? 750 00:37:28,960 --> 00:37:33,960 I'm starving. I'll take my chances. Stop it! It's too crunchy. 751 00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:35,960 Fine. I'll lick it like a lolly. 752 00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:38,960 Don't do that, it's gross. 753 00:37:42,320 --> 00:37:44,800 OK. All right, I think they're going. 754 00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:50,480 No thanks to this greedy goon. 755 00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:53,640 Oi, look at the size of that bite. That's well out of order. 756 00:37:53,640 --> 00:37:56,800 Oh, good! So it's anarchy now, is it? 757 00:37:56,800 --> 00:37:57,960 I wondered how long it would take. 758 00:37:59,960 --> 00:38:02,960 He posed as a child to win a school boxing competition. 759 00:38:02,960 --> 00:38:03,960 He fingered a lion. 760 00:38:03,960 --> 00:38:07,960 He killed, genuinely killed, a renowned theatre director. 761 00:38:07,960 --> 00:38:10,000 He took a baby from the bins. Shut the fuck up a second. Whoa. 762 00:38:10,000 --> 00:38:11,960 What, what, what is it? 763 00:38:18,960 --> 00:38:20,960 Apple core. 764 00:38:20,960 --> 00:38:22,960 Only just starting to brown. 765 00:38:22,960 --> 00:38:25,960 They were here not long ago. What? How do you know it was them? 766 00:38:25,960 --> 00:38:28,000 These are strong Roman tooth marks. 767 00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:30,960 Dentistry's not so good around here. Wow! 768 00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:34,960 This is cool. You, sir, are very cool. 769 00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:37,960 And, you know, it is so nice to hang out with someone 770 00:38:37,960 --> 00:38:38,960 as intelligent as I am. 771 00:38:38,960 --> 00:38:40,960 Honestly, those thicko losers could be so annoying. 772 00:38:40,960 --> 00:38:44,960 We're not hanging out. You're just tagging along. 773 00:38:44,960 --> 00:38:46,960 In silence from now on. 774 00:38:46,960 --> 00:38:50,960 If it was up to me, I'd be working alone, OK? 775 00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:53,000 But I haven't even told you about the time Marcus's dad 776 00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:56,320 stabbed me in the shoulder. And I'll stab you in the fucking neck 777 00:38:56,320 --> 00:38:58,960 if I have to hear another one of your idiotic stories. 778 00:38:58,960 --> 00:39:00,960 Understand me, beardy boy? 779 00:39:02,960 --> 00:39:04,960 Beardy MAN. 780 00:39:17,960 --> 00:39:21,960 Stupid midges. They don't know who they're up against. 781 00:39:21,960 --> 00:39:23,960 I've actually decided not to light a fire, 782 00:39:23,960 --> 00:39:26,480 cos it might alert the enemy to our location. 783 00:39:26,480 --> 00:39:28,480 And also cos you can't? And that, yeah. 784 00:39:28,480 --> 00:39:30,800 Oh, God, this is a new low. 785 00:39:30,800 --> 00:39:33,960 This is really not where I thought I'd be on the brink of turning 30. 786 00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:35,960 Oh, come on, it's not so bad. 787 00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:37,960 If you forget about the whole war thing 788 00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:39,960 and the fact that we're totally lost, it's great. 789 00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:42,800 The three of us, bro-ing down, having a giggle, 790 00:39:42,800 --> 00:39:46,960 surrounded by nature. I guess it is pretty peaceful here. 791 00:39:46,960 --> 00:39:49,960 Oh! For fuck's sake, Grumio. 792 00:39:49,960 --> 00:39:51,960 You were surrounded by nature. 793 00:39:51,960 --> 00:39:53,960 Well, I'm knackered. I'm gonna crash. 794 00:39:53,960 --> 00:39:55,960 OK. But we need someone on guard duty at all times. 795 00:39:55,960 --> 00:39:57,960 We sleep in shifts, OK? 796 00:39:57,960 --> 00:39:59,960 Whatever happens, one of us has to be awake. 797 00:39:59,960 --> 00:40:01,160 Right you are. No probs. 798 00:40:14,960 --> 00:40:17,640 BUGLE PLAYS 799 00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:22,640 Wakey-wakey, dirt bags. That was your morning bugle. 800 00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:25,960 Look at you three, spooning away. It's quite sweet, actually. 801 00:40:25,960 --> 00:40:27,960 Aurelius, what are you doing here? 802 00:40:27,960 --> 00:40:29,960 Please say you're not still following us. 803 00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:32,960 Well, I am, yes. But officially this time. 804 00:40:32,960 --> 00:40:34,320 I'm a tracker, and we're the tracking team. 805 00:40:34,320 --> 00:40:38,480 No, we're not. We're not a team, and he's not a tracker in any way. 806 00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:41,960 But I am. And I'm here to arrest you for desertion. 807 00:40:41,960 --> 00:40:44,960 You're to be taken back to camp where you'll be crucified. 808 00:40:47,960 --> 00:40:49,480 Best go quietly now. 809 00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:54,960 Morning. Oh, what have I missed? 810 00:41:02,480 --> 00:41:06,960 I can't believe you're getting us executed, you knob. 811 00:41:06,960 --> 00:41:08,000 I'm not a knob, actually, 812 00:41:08,000 --> 00:41:10,800 because I didn't know that was the punishment. 813 00:41:10,800 --> 00:41:13,000 I thought it would just be a ticking off or a light flogging. 814 00:41:13,000 --> 00:41:14,960 It still makes you a knob. Yeah, a complete knob. 815 00:41:14,960 --> 00:41:16,160 Stop whining! 816 00:41:16,160 --> 00:41:17,960 If you don't want to die, don't desert. 817 00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:19,960 It's as simple as that. Great advice (!) 818 00:41:19,960 --> 00:41:21,960 We'll bear that in mind for next time, shall we? 819 00:41:21,960 --> 00:41:22,960 I didn't desert, by the way. 820 00:41:22,960 --> 00:41:24,960 I were forced into it by my master here. 821 00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:28,960 Ha! OK, so as soon as there's a price to pay, I'm in charge, am I? 822 00:41:28,960 --> 00:41:29,960 I were basically kidnapped. Of course. 823 00:41:29,960 --> 00:41:31,960 And are you gonna mention playing dead? 824 00:41:31,960 --> 00:41:34,800 Didn't force you into that, did I? I fell asleep. 825 00:41:34,800 --> 00:41:36,960 It's not my fault them barbarians wear such cosy clobber. 826 00:41:36,960 --> 00:41:42,960 Shut up, or I'm very happy to bring the execution forward a few hours. 827 00:41:42,960 --> 00:41:45,000 MUSIC: 'You Don't Love Me' by Dawn Penn 828 00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:47,960 # No, no, no 829 00:41:49,960 --> 00:41:55,800 # You don't love me And I know now 830 00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:04,960 # No, no, no 831 00:42:06,960 --> 00:42:13,800 # You don't love me Yes, I know now. # 832 00:42:18,960 --> 00:42:20,960 So, it's grilled badger for lunch. 833 00:42:20,960 --> 00:42:23,640 What? Badger? I'm not eating that. I'll have his, then. 834 00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:25,960 I'd eat a badger's tadger right now, I'm so hungry. 835 00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:27,960 You're so weird. 836 00:42:27,960 --> 00:42:29,960 Wait, Aurelius! 837 00:42:29,960 --> 00:42:33,480 Relio. Relio Delio. I'm not gonna help you escape. 838 00:42:33,480 --> 00:42:37,000 Please. We're gonna die. We're all gonna die eventually. 839 00:42:37,000 --> 00:42:38,960 Don't be a dick. Just set us free. 840 00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:41,320 No way! I'll get in big troubs. 841 00:42:41,320 --> 00:42:43,960 Not if you come with us. It'll be an adventure. 842 00:42:43,960 --> 00:42:45,960 The deserter dudes. Best bros forever! 843 00:42:45,960 --> 00:42:49,480 Hm! We weren't exactly best bros when I wanted to share your tent, 844 00:42:49,480 --> 00:42:50,960 as I recall. 845 00:42:50,960 --> 00:42:53,480 Well, yeah, but we couldn't share with you 846 00:42:53,480 --> 00:42:55,000 cos what if we wanted to bring girls back? 847 00:42:55,000 --> 00:42:56,960 I could have scooched over. No! 848 00:42:56,960 --> 00:43:00,960 They wouldn't be interested in us if you were there. Think about it. 849 00:43:00,960 --> 00:43:04,480 But the truth is, it's not easy being mates with you, dude. 850 00:43:04,480 --> 00:43:07,960 Like, having this buff, brainy legend around all the time, 851 00:43:07,960 --> 00:43:09,960 making us feel like losers. 852 00:43:09,960 --> 00:43:12,960 You can't blame us for wanting to step out of your shadow sometimes. 853 00:43:12,960 --> 00:43:14,960 It's cold in there, right, guys? 854 00:43:14,960 --> 00:43:17,960 I mean... Completely. ..sure, whatever. 855 00:43:17,960 --> 00:43:20,960 God, you must think I'm such a fool, 856 00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:23,960 not seeing how insecure I was making you feel. 857 00:43:23,960 --> 00:43:29,960 Maybe I am buff and brainy, sure, but I'm also blind and a bad friend. 858 00:43:30,960 --> 00:43:34,960 Well, never again, guys. You have my word. Best bros forever. 859 00:43:34,960 --> 00:43:37,800 Fuck me, what a bellend. 860 00:43:37,800 --> 00:43:40,160 Oh, can we do this after we've had the badger? 861 00:43:40,160 --> 00:43:43,640 OK, shit! I think he's on to us. What's going on over there? 862 00:43:43,640 --> 00:43:45,960 No, no, nothing. All good. 863 00:43:45,960 --> 00:43:46,960 Run! 864 00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:50,640 Shit! 865 00:44:17,960 --> 00:44:19,960 CLICKS TONGUE This way. 866 00:44:25,960 --> 00:44:27,640 Argh! 867 00:44:29,960 --> 00:44:31,960 HORSE WHINNIES 868 00:44:41,960 --> 00:44:43,960 HORSE WHINNIES 869 00:44:45,320 --> 00:44:46,960 Come on! 870 00:45:03,480 --> 00:45:04,960 Argh! 871 00:45:08,960 --> 00:45:10,160 Hey, hey! 872 00:45:20,320 --> 00:45:22,320 Argh! Fucking nettles! 873 00:45:22,320 --> 00:45:23,960 Argh! 874 00:45:34,800 --> 00:45:35,960 Argh! Oh! 875 00:45:39,960 --> 00:45:41,800 Shit! 876 00:45:42,960 --> 00:45:45,960 Come on, boys, don't be stupid now. 877 00:45:46,960 --> 00:45:48,960 Let's be stupid. 878 00:45:48,960 --> 00:45:51,960 No! Aaaargh! 879 00:45:54,960 --> 00:45:56,320 No! 880 00:45:56,320 --> 00:45:57,960 Stop! 881 00:45:57,960 --> 00:46:00,960 Aaaaargh! 882 00:46:06,960 --> 00:46:08,640 You won't get away! 883 00:46:08,640 --> 00:46:12,640 Wherever you run, wherever you hide, no matter how long it takes, 884 00:46:12,640 --> 00:46:14,960 the shadow of justice will haunt you until... 885 00:46:14,960 --> 00:46:16,960 Oh, fuck it, they've gone. 886 00:46:21,960 --> 00:46:24,000 PANTING AND GASPING 887 00:46:30,960 --> 00:46:32,960 We lost him! 888 00:46:32,960 --> 00:46:35,960 Ha! We bloody lost him, the dickhead! 889 00:46:35,960 --> 00:46:37,960 And, weirdly, I don't appear to be dead. 890 00:46:37,960 --> 00:46:41,160 Bonus! Ha! 891 00:46:41,160 --> 00:46:45,000 Guys, I actually got hit. Did you? Where? 892 00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:48,160 Whoa! 893 00:46:48,160 --> 00:46:50,960 What is it? Is it bad? Not ideal! 894 00:46:50,960 --> 00:46:53,480 You've got an arrow in your arse! Argh, argh, argh! 895 00:46:53,480 --> 00:46:55,960 Well, pull it out, then! Oh, God, really? 896 00:46:55,960 --> 00:46:56,960 I mean, OK. 897 00:46:58,960 --> 00:47:01,960 Don't pick your nose, Grumio. I'm hungry. 898 00:47:01,960 --> 00:47:02,960 Well, that's even worse. 899 00:47:02,960 --> 00:47:04,960 Aurelius, where's the key to these chains? 900 00:47:04,960 --> 00:47:05,960 Maybe in my man bag, 901 00:47:05,960 --> 00:47:07,960 if it didn't fall out in the kerfuffle. 902 00:47:09,960 --> 00:47:12,320 All right, here we go. Brace yourself, yeah? 903 00:47:12,320 --> 00:47:15,000 OK, great. No keys. But there is a soggy map. 904 00:47:15,000 --> 00:47:17,800 Is there? OK, it's coming! 905 00:47:17,800 --> 00:47:18,960 It's coming! 906 00:47:18,960 --> 00:47:20,800 SNAP Ooh! 907 00:47:20,800 --> 00:47:22,960 Is it out, then? Er... 908 00:47:22,960 --> 00:47:25,960 Yeah. Like, most of it. Most of it? What do you mean? 909 00:47:25,960 --> 00:47:27,960 Argh! Argh! 910 00:47:27,960 --> 00:47:31,160 You just pulled out the shaft and left the head inside my arse! 911 00:47:31,160 --> 00:47:33,960 Ooh-er. Ha! It's not funny, actually! 912 00:47:33,960 --> 00:47:35,960 I won't get very far with a skewered buttock. 913 00:47:35,960 --> 00:47:38,960 Luckily, you might not have to, cos if this is that river, 914 00:47:38,960 --> 00:47:42,960 then we're only, like, a day's walk from the Roman border. 915 00:47:42,960 --> 00:47:44,960 Ah, nice! See, all rivers do lead south. 916 00:47:44,960 --> 00:47:47,960 On this occasion, yes, they do. Right. Let's crack on. 917 00:47:47,960 --> 00:47:49,960 Ow, ow! Rome, here we come. 918 00:47:49,960 --> 00:47:54,960 Oh, God! Erm, can we crack on quite slowly, please? 919 00:47:54,960 --> 00:47:57,480 MUSIC: 'Sun Is Shining (Dub Version)' by Bob Marley 920 00:47:57,480 --> 00:48:00,960 # The weather is sweet, yeah... # 921 00:48:02,960 --> 00:48:04,960 Ah! Ah! 922 00:48:06,960 --> 00:48:09,640 Ah! Oh! 923 00:48:09,640 --> 00:48:11,960 # To the rescue. # 924 00:48:14,960 --> 00:48:20,320 Oh, Jove, I can't feel my bum. Could you feel it before? 925 00:48:20,320 --> 00:48:22,960 Erm, not sure, actually. 926 00:48:22,960 --> 00:48:25,960 Stop going on about your numb bum, you drama queen. You're fine. 927 00:48:25,960 --> 00:48:28,960 Argh! No, no, no. Come on, mate, we need to keep moving. 928 00:48:28,960 --> 00:48:31,960 I can't do it. I can't go on. OK, cool. 929 00:48:31,960 --> 00:48:33,960 We'll leave him here, cos he's dead weight, in't he? 930 00:48:33,960 --> 00:48:35,960 That is not an awful idea, actually. What? No way! 931 00:48:35,960 --> 00:48:38,960 You can't leave me. We're a team. The deserter dudes. 932 00:48:38,960 --> 00:48:40,960 Hey, I didn't desert, I fell asleep. 933 00:48:40,960 --> 00:48:41,960 Best bros forever, you said. 934 00:48:41,960 --> 00:48:43,960 Yeah, that's when we needed your help. 935 00:48:43,960 --> 00:48:45,960 A fair amount's changed since then. 936 00:48:45,960 --> 00:48:49,480 You can't leave me here to be feasted upon by bears and ants! 937 00:48:49,480 --> 00:48:51,960 He's got a point, hasn't he? Cos we could always eat him. 938 00:48:51,960 --> 00:48:52,960 Do not eat me! 939 00:48:52,960 --> 00:48:54,960 For one thing, I'd be very tough, 940 00:48:54,960 --> 00:48:57,800 sinewy meat owing to my high muscle-to-fat ratio. 941 00:48:57,800 --> 00:48:59,960 Look, why don't Grumio and I go for help 942 00:48:59,960 --> 00:49:01,160 while you stay with Aurelius? 943 00:49:01,160 --> 00:49:04,960 Holy Jove, why have you forsaken me?! 944 00:49:04,960 --> 00:49:08,960 Right. Or I go for help and you two stay with him. 945 00:49:08,960 --> 00:49:11,000 I'm not staying here with that twat. What are you talking about? 946 00:49:11,000 --> 00:49:13,800 Just coming up with a plan, bro! OK, right. 947 00:49:13,800 --> 00:49:16,960 Let's do papyrus, scissors, stone, and the loser has to stay. 948 00:49:16,960 --> 00:49:18,960 You don't need to play, we come as a two. 949 00:49:18,960 --> 00:49:20,960 I'll play for us, then. Scissors always wins. 950 00:49:20,960 --> 00:49:22,960 And that fundamental misunderstanding of the game 951 00:49:22,960 --> 00:49:24,960 is exactly why I'll be playing for us. 952 00:49:24,960 --> 00:49:26,960 I think I'm dying, guys. 953 00:49:26,960 --> 00:49:29,800 Right, here we go. BOTH: Papyrus, scissors, stone. 954 00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:33,960 Scissors! Ha! Bash, bash, bash. Never listen to Grumio, you moron. 955 00:49:33,960 --> 00:49:37,160 Hang in there, Aurelius. Jason will look after you. OK. 956 00:49:37,160 --> 00:49:40,960 Jason, will you sing to me, please, bud? 957 00:49:40,960 --> 00:49:42,960 Don't be long, all right? 958 00:49:42,960 --> 00:49:44,960 Jason? Yeah, I'm coming. 959 00:50:03,800 --> 00:50:05,960 I mean, can humans eat plants? 960 00:50:05,960 --> 00:50:07,960 What? Yeah, of course they can. 961 00:50:07,960 --> 00:50:09,320 Oh, fine then. 962 00:50:09,320 --> 00:50:12,960 Not ANY plants. I meant spinach, for example. 963 00:50:12,960 --> 00:50:13,960 You can't just eat that! 964 00:50:13,960 --> 00:50:16,960 The old nature, you confusing bastard. 965 00:50:16,960 --> 00:50:18,960 Can we keep going, please, and not get distracted? 966 00:50:18,960 --> 00:50:21,160 Shit! It's a chicken. 967 00:50:21,160 --> 00:50:23,480 What? Where? There. 968 00:50:23,480 --> 00:50:24,960 Right, I'm having you, lad. 969 00:50:24,960 --> 00:50:27,960 And then what? We can't cook it. I'll have it raw, then. 970 00:50:27,960 --> 00:50:29,960 I only joined the army for the free chicken anyway. 971 00:50:29,960 --> 00:50:31,960 We're meant to be getting help. 972 00:50:31,960 --> 00:50:34,960 Do not come between me and a chicken, Marcus, I am warning you. 973 00:50:36,960 --> 00:50:38,960 Oh, go on, then. Be quick. 974 00:50:39,960 --> 00:50:43,000 One quick grabaroo and it is teatime-for-me-time. 975 00:50:44,960 --> 00:50:46,960 Make that two quick grabaroos. 976 00:50:47,960 --> 00:50:51,640 CHICKEN CLUCKS 977 00:50:54,960 --> 00:50:56,960 Right. Well, that's at least 30. 978 00:50:56,960 --> 00:50:59,960 Three more grabaroos and we're giving up, OK? 979 00:50:59,960 --> 00:51:01,960 Fine, just don't rush me. 980 00:51:05,960 --> 00:51:07,960 One. 981 00:51:08,960 --> 00:51:10,960 Two. 982 00:51:10,960 --> 00:51:12,960 Last one, right? 983 00:51:12,960 --> 00:51:14,960 I know. Just shh! 984 00:51:14,960 --> 00:51:18,480 Come on, son. This is the one. 985 00:51:18,480 --> 00:51:19,960 Argh! 986 00:51:19,960 --> 00:51:21,800 Oh, yes! 987 00:51:22,960 --> 00:51:24,960 Ha-ha! I've got it! 988 00:51:24,960 --> 00:51:25,960 Oh, by Jove, you did it! 989 00:51:25,960 --> 00:51:27,480 Yes! Ha! 990 00:51:27,480 --> 00:51:30,160 # I got the chicken I got the chicken 991 00:51:30,160 --> 00:51:32,960 # I got the chicken He got the chicken 992 00:51:32,960 --> 00:51:34,960 # I got... # 993 00:51:34,960 --> 00:51:37,960 SINISTER MUSIC 994 00:51:39,160 --> 00:51:40,960 He got the chicken. 995 00:51:50,640 --> 00:51:53,960 # How happy is the shepherd 996 00:51:53,960 --> 00:51:56,960 # Who settles down to sleep 997 00:51:56,960 --> 00:51:59,960 # Because he is so knackered 998 00:51:59,960 --> 00:52:01,960 # From fucking all the sheep... # 999 00:52:01,960 --> 00:52:03,960 What? No, no, I don't want the rude version. 1000 00:52:03,960 --> 00:52:04,960 I only know the rude version. 1001 00:52:04,960 --> 00:52:08,960 That's not exactly gonna soothe me, is it? Thinking about bestiality. 1002 00:52:08,960 --> 00:52:10,000 How's my bum looking? 1003 00:52:11,960 --> 00:52:13,800 Ah! 1004 00:52:13,800 --> 00:52:16,960 OK, don't panic. All right, it's probably nothing. 1005 00:52:16,960 --> 00:52:18,960 But it's gone a bit green. Green?! 1006 00:52:18,960 --> 00:52:21,960 Yeah. How's that nothing?! Bums shouldn't be green. 1007 00:52:21,960 --> 00:52:23,960 Oh, it must be infected. What did I say? Don't panic. 1008 00:52:23,960 --> 00:52:25,960 The boys will be back in a bit, all right? Shushy bears. 1009 00:52:25,960 --> 00:52:27,960 They won't! They've left us! 1010 00:52:27,960 --> 00:52:29,960 We're all alone and green. 1011 00:52:29,960 --> 00:52:32,000 # He wakes up in the morning... # 1012 00:52:32,000 --> 00:52:33,960 Kiss me. Whoa! What? 1013 00:52:33,960 --> 00:52:35,960 Please kiss me. 1014 00:52:35,960 --> 00:52:37,960 I just want to feel some human tenderness before I die. 1015 00:52:37,960 --> 00:52:40,320 No! Right, and not just because I don't want to, 1016 00:52:40,320 --> 00:52:41,960 but cos you are not gonna die. 1017 00:52:41,960 --> 00:52:43,960 Right, no-one dies from green bums. Of course they do! 1018 00:52:43,960 --> 00:52:45,960 Bum rot. I've got bum rot. 1019 00:52:45,960 --> 00:52:50,480 Look, tell my family that they were proud of me. 1020 00:52:50,480 --> 00:52:51,960 What? Actually, no. 1021 00:52:51,960 --> 00:52:53,800 Tell them to never look under my bed. 1022 00:52:53,800 --> 00:52:55,960 You tell them yourself when you get back to Rome, OK? 1023 00:52:55,960 --> 00:52:56,960 What's under your bed? 1024 00:52:56,960 --> 00:52:59,960 Oh, you're a good bud, buddy, but it's too late. 1025 00:52:59,960 --> 00:53:02,640 I can feel death's icy grip on my arse. 1026 00:53:02,640 --> 00:53:05,960 No. No! No, you don't! 1027 00:53:05,960 --> 00:53:09,960 Marcus! Grumio! Come on. Where are you?! 1028 00:53:09,960 --> 00:53:11,960 AURELIUS GROANS 1029 00:53:11,960 --> 00:53:14,960 Right, come on. 1030 00:53:14,960 --> 00:53:18,000 Ooh, what are you doing? Saving your fucking life, boy. 1031 00:53:18,000 --> 00:53:19,960 Argh! 1032 00:53:32,320 --> 00:53:35,960 Oi, you, Roman scum! 1033 00:53:35,960 --> 00:53:37,000 Jog on, you little shite. 1034 00:53:37,000 --> 00:53:38,960 At least don't make it worse for ourselves. 1035 00:53:38,960 --> 00:53:40,960 Nah, it's just banter. 1036 00:53:40,960 --> 00:53:43,960 OK, that's FAIRLY intense banter. 1037 00:53:52,960 --> 00:53:54,960 Argh! Just kill me. 1038 00:53:54,960 --> 00:53:56,960 Please, just put me out of my misery. 1039 00:53:56,960 --> 00:53:59,640 I'd rather not, mate. I'm not even sure I'd know how to. 1040 00:53:59,640 --> 00:54:01,960 Just push me off of something tall 1041 00:54:01,960 --> 00:54:03,960 or sit on my face to block my airways. 1042 00:54:03,960 --> 00:54:05,960 Couldn't I just use my hands? 1043 00:54:07,960 --> 00:54:08,960 Yes, you could, actually. 1044 00:54:08,960 --> 00:54:11,320 I don't know why I suggested the sitting method. 1045 00:54:11,320 --> 00:54:12,960 I think I must be delirious. 1046 00:54:12,960 --> 00:54:14,960 Ooh, argh! 1047 00:54:14,960 --> 00:54:16,960 Urgh! 1048 00:54:16,960 --> 00:54:19,960 I can hear my mother calling me to dinner. 1049 00:54:19,960 --> 00:54:21,960 I'm coming, Mummy. 1050 00:54:21,960 --> 00:54:24,960 I can smell the wood burning on the stove. 1051 00:54:24,960 --> 00:54:26,640 Hang on, so can I. 1052 00:54:27,960 --> 00:54:29,960 Look, there! 1053 00:54:29,960 --> 00:54:30,960 Huh? 1054 00:54:31,960 --> 00:54:36,960 GRUNTING AND PANTING 1055 00:54:36,960 --> 00:54:39,960 Oh, oh! Get in! Argh! We're saved! 1056 00:54:39,960 --> 00:54:43,800 Well, unless they're Roman-hating savages who want to kill us. 1057 00:54:43,800 --> 00:54:46,000 Oh, yeah. Oh, I forgot about that. 1058 00:54:46,000 --> 00:54:48,160 OK, you're on your own. 1059 00:54:48,160 --> 00:54:50,960 Argh! Good luck. 1060 00:54:50,960 --> 00:54:52,800 Argh! You bastard! 1061 00:54:52,800 --> 00:54:53,960 WOMAN: Hello? Argh! 1062 00:54:53,960 --> 00:54:56,960 Man. There is a man. 1063 00:54:56,960 --> 00:54:58,960 He needs help. 1064 00:54:58,960 --> 00:55:00,320 Ursula, fetch water. 1065 00:55:00,320 --> 00:55:02,960 Cleo, Amara, Xanthe, help me take him inside. 1066 00:55:05,960 --> 00:55:07,960 Hi. Sorry, there's actually two men. 1067 00:55:07,960 --> 00:55:09,960 I also need help. 1068 00:55:09,960 --> 00:55:12,480 Ha. Hi. 1069 00:55:16,960 --> 00:55:18,960 Hey! Come off it! 1070 00:55:19,960 --> 00:55:23,800 So, first of all, hello. 1071 00:55:23,800 --> 00:55:25,960 Or, as you might say, salve. 1072 00:55:25,960 --> 00:55:26,960 All right. Hello. 1073 00:55:26,960 --> 00:55:28,960 My name is Segimundus. 1074 00:55:28,960 --> 00:55:32,960 I am spokesman of the Carpi Council of Elders 1075 00:55:32,960 --> 00:55:35,960 and I presume from your uniforms and proximity to our gates 1076 00:55:35,960 --> 00:55:40,960 that you are Roman spies sent out to rescue your precious bird, no doubt. 1077 00:55:40,960 --> 00:55:42,320 My eagle! 1078 00:55:42,320 --> 00:55:43,960 Give me back me eagle at once! 1079 00:55:43,960 --> 00:55:45,960 And my chicken an' all, while you're at it. 1080 00:55:45,960 --> 00:55:48,320 Grumio, don't. We couldn't care less about the eagle. 1081 00:55:48,320 --> 00:55:50,480 We're not even Roman soldiers, really. 1082 00:55:50,480 --> 00:55:51,960 No, so what is this, then? 1083 00:55:51,960 --> 00:55:53,960 Are you on your way to a fancy dress party, perhaps? 1084 00:55:53,960 --> 00:55:55,960 CROWD CHUCKLES 1085 00:55:55,960 --> 00:55:56,960 Ha! No, no. 1086 00:55:56,960 --> 00:55:59,960 We were soldiers, obviously, but we're not now, is my point. 1087 00:55:59,960 --> 00:56:01,960 We deserted, you see. I didn't. I fell asleep. 1088 00:56:01,960 --> 00:56:04,960 Yeah, just let me do the talking. We didn't want to join this war. 1089 00:56:04,960 --> 00:56:07,320 I did, to give your lot a spanking for invading our empire. 1090 00:56:07,320 --> 00:56:08,480 Grumio, just shut up! 1091 00:56:08,480 --> 00:56:10,960 There was no invasion. That was fake news. 1092 00:56:10,960 --> 00:56:12,960 A pretext for you to steal our bauxite. 1093 00:56:12,960 --> 00:56:15,320 Bauxite? What the fuck is bauxite? 1094 00:56:15,320 --> 00:56:17,960 I think it's a naturally occurring, I want to say, metal? 1095 00:56:17,960 --> 00:56:20,960 It is a sedimentary rock with high aluminium content. 1096 00:56:20,960 --> 00:56:23,960 We have a number of large and very valuable quarries 1097 00:56:23,960 --> 00:56:26,960 that you people have lusted after for some time now. 1098 00:56:26,960 --> 00:56:28,960 That does make sense. I always thought there was 1099 00:56:28,960 --> 00:56:30,960 some shady mercenary motive behind all this. 1100 00:56:30,960 --> 00:56:33,640 Romans are far sneakier than barbarians, in my opinion. 1101 00:56:33,640 --> 00:56:37,000 Ahem! Tut, tut, tut, tut, tut. We do not like the term "barbarian". 1102 00:56:37,000 --> 00:56:40,960 It's a reductive label which homogenises an array 1103 00:56:40,960 --> 00:56:43,960 of diverse communities and their unique identities. 1104 00:56:43,960 --> 00:56:46,800 We call ourselves the Carpi tribe. 1105 00:56:46,800 --> 00:56:48,160 Yes, of course. I'm so sorry. 1106 00:56:48,160 --> 00:56:49,960 I'm so sorry for being so insensitive. 1107 00:56:49,960 --> 00:56:52,800 Not at all. No, think of this as a teachable moment. 1108 00:56:52,800 --> 00:56:55,640 I will. Cross-cultural exchange is fundamental to progress. 1109 00:56:55,640 --> 00:56:57,960 We don't learn anything if we live in a bubble. Indeed. 1110 00:56:57,960 --> 00:57:00,960 And so that we can share this knowledge with our countrymen, 1111 00:57:00,960 --> 00:57:03,960 we'd love to be on our way. Yes, I'm sure you would. 1112 00:57:03,960 --> 00:57:07,960 But there's also one little thing you should learn about the Carpi. 1113 00:57:07,960 --> 00:57:09,960 It's what we do to our captives. 1114 00:57:09,960 --> 00:57:12,960 Oh, aye, yeah. What do you do? Do you take them for a tour? 1115 00:57:12,960 --> 00:57:16,640 No, we disembowel them in honour of our great god Zalmoxis. 1116 00:57:16,640 --> 00:57:17,960 Oh, shit. Right. 1117 00:57:17,960 --> 00:57:19,960 The ceremony will take place tomorrow evening 1118 00:57:19,960 --> 00:57:21,960 before the entire village. 1119 00:57:21,960 --> 00:57:24,640 CHEERING 1120 00:57:26,960 --> 00:57:28,960 AURELIUS GROANS 1121 00:57:28,960 --> 00:57:30,960 Apparently, the arrow went very deep 1122 00:57:30,960 --> 00:57:32,960 because his bottom is so soft and womanly. 1123 00:57:32,960 --> 00:57:36,640 Yeah, totally. Not like mine. My buns are rock hard. 1124 00:57:36,640 --> 00:57:38,960 Arrow would have just pinged off, probably. 1125 00:57:38,960 --> 00:57:41,960 He may stay until he recovers. Cool. 1126 00:57:41,960 --> 00:57:43,960 All right. And what about...? You may not. Yep. 1127 00:57:43,960 --> 00:57:46,960 Aside from emergencies, there are no men in the village. 1128 00:57:46,960 --> 00:57:49,960 Oh, really? I didn't... I didn't even notice that. 1129 00:57:49,960 --> 00:57:51,160 What's that about, then? 1130 00:57:51,160 --> 00:57:54,160 Our menfolk all left to fight another tribe some years ago 1131 00:57:54,160 --> 00:57:56,000 and never returned. 1132 00:57:56,000 --> 00:57:59,960 No! That's... so sad. 1133 00:57:59,960 --> 00:58:03,480 HE GROANS It was sad, but we adapted. 1134 00:58:03,480 --> 00:58:07,160 We trade spices with our neighbours. We are skilled in combat. 1135 00:58:07,160 --> 00:58:10,960 We no longer need men. Come on! 1136 00:58:10,960 --> 00:58:13,480 I'm sure you need a bloke sometimes to, like, you know, 1137 00:58:13,480 --> 00:58:15,960 open a jar or, like, get something from a higher shelf, 1138 00:58:15,960 --> 00:58:16,960 you know, like a jar, 1139 00:58:16,960 --> 00:58:18,960 or to put the shelf up to put the jars on. 1140 00:58:18,960 --> 00:58:22,960 Amazingly, we handle all jar-related tasks ourselves. 1141 00:58:22,960 --> 00:58:24,960 OK. 1142 00:58:24,960 --> 00:58:27,960 I guess it's another night in the forest for me, then. 1143 00:58:27,960 --> 00:58:29,960 I hope the wolves have had their tea. 1144 00:58:32,960 --> 00:58:35,960 We do have one other use for men. 1145 00:58:35,960 --> 00:58:36,960 Oh? 1146 00:58:36,960 --> 00:58:42,960 Occasionally, we may keep one as a... concubine. 1147 00:58:42,960 --> 00:58:45,960 A what? Concubine? What's that, like a hedgehog? 1148 00:58:45,960 --> 00:58:47,960 Not quite, no. 1149 00:58:49,960 --> 00:58:51,960 Ah! Ah! 1150 00:58:54,960 --> 00:58:57,160 I'm Jason, by the way. Silence! 1151 00:58:57,160 --> 00:58:58,800 You have no name now. 1152 00:58:58,800 --> 00:59:00,960 You are here for sexual congress, Roman, THAT'S all! 1153 00:59:00,960 --> 00:59:03,000 OK, cool. I can do that. 1154 00:59:04,960 --> 00:59:07,960 Oh, that's better. Thank you. 1155 00:59:07,960 --> 00:59:09,960 Now tie them to the post, please, Dromichaetes. 1156 00:59:09,960 --> 00:59:12,960 OK, great. Just to be safe. 1157 00:59:12,960 --> 00:59:15,160 So that you don't... sneak off. 1158 00:59:15,160 --> 00:59:17,960 How is that? Not too tight, I hope. 1159 00:59:17,960 --> 00:59:20,960 No, no. You're grand. It's a nice, soft rope, actually. 1160 00:59:20,960 --> 00:59:21,960 Yes, it's made from angora wool. 1161 00:59:21,960 --> 00:59:25,960 We Carpi are famous for our civilised treatment of prisoners. 1162 00:59:25,960 --> 00:59:28,000 Yeah. You ARE disembowelling us. 1163 00:59:28,000 --> 00:59:29,960 Yes, BEFORE execution, I mean. 1164 00:59:29,960 --> 00:59:31,960 Yes, it's enshrined in our constitution 1165 00:59:31,960 --> 00:59:33,960 that we offer our captives 1166 00:59:33,960 --> 00:59:36,960 a final meal of their choosing, for example. 1167 00:59:36,960 --> 00:59:38,960 Oh, aye? How many courses? 1168 00:59:38,960 --> 00:59:41,960 One. One? Call yourselves civilised? 1169 00:59:41,960 --> 00:59:44,960 May I take your order? Well, it doesn't really matter, does it? 1170 00:59:44,960 --> 00:59:47,960 I'm not gonna get to digest it. Just... give me an egg sandwich. 1171 00:59:47,960 --> 00:59:50,000 Is that on white, brown or seeded? 1172 00:59:50,000 --> 00:59:52,160 Brown's fine. 1173 00:59:53,160 --> 00:59:55,960 I'll take a lobster bisque. Of course you will. 1174 00:59:55,960 --> 00:59:57,960 I'm going out in style, son. Very well. 1175 00:59:57,960 --> 01:00:02,320 One egg sandwich on brown and one lobster... bisque. 1176 01:00:04,960 --> 01:00:07,160 I'll speak to the chef, and you prepare the altar. 1177 01:00:07,160 --> 01:00:12,000 Egg sandwich on brown bread for your final meal? 1178 01:00:12,000 --> 01:00:13,960 When they open up them bowels, 1179 01:00:13,960 --> 01:00:15,960 they should be seeing more than some shitty sandwich. 1180 01:00:15,960 --> 01:00:19,480 Unlike you, Grumio, I've got more on my mind than just food right now. 1181 01:00:19,480 --> 01:00:21,000 In fact, it was you chasing that chicken 1182 01:00:21,000 --> 01:00:23,960 that got us in this fucking mess. You didn't have to come with me. 1183 01:00:23,960 --> 01:00:26,960 We were chained together! You dragged me along, 1184 01:00:26,960 --> 01:00:29,160 which pretty much sums up our entire relationship. 1185 01:00:29,160 --> 01:00:31,480 I know. You've been holding me back for years. 1186 01:00:31,480 --> 01:00:33,960 What? Holding you back?! It's not about you, Grumio. 1187 01:00:33,960 --> 01:00:36,000 You're MY slave. Don't remind me! 1188 01:00:36,000 --> 01:00:38,320 I wish I weren't. I'd have ditched you yonks ago. 1189 01:00:38,320 --> 01:00:41,800 And I wish my parents had left you on that bloody hillside. Yeah? 1190 01:00:41,800 --> 01:00:42,960 You and me both! 1191 01:00:45,960 --> 01:00:47,960 Ordinarily, I would storm off at this point, 1192 01:00:47,960 --> 01:00:50,960 but being as I can't, I am going to sit down. 1193 01:00:59,960 --> 01:01:00,960 Aw... KIDS LAUGH 1194 01:01:00,960 --> 01:01:02,960 Yeah! Roman scum! 1195 01:01:02,960 --> 01:01:04,960 LAUGHTER 1196 01:01:05,960 --> 01:01:07,960 COCKEREL CROWS 1197 01:01:15,960 --> 01:01:17,960 Hi. Hi. 1198 01:01:20,960 --> 01:01:22,960 Hi. 1199 01:01:24,480 --> 01:01:26,960 Hi! 1200 01:01:30,960 --> 01:01:32,960 Mm. Thank you. 1201 01:01:32,960 --> 01:01:34,960 Knock, knock. How's the patient doing? 1202 01:01:34,960 --> 01:01:36,000 Much better, thank you. 1203 01:01:36,000 --> 01:01:39,320 Really? Are you sure? You still look well peaky. 1204 01:01:39,320 --> 01:01:40,960 What? No, I'm ready and raring, mate. 1205 01:01:40,960 --> 01:01:43,320 Nah, look, listen. You rest up just a few more days, right? 1206 01:01:43,320 --> 01:01:44,960 Don't wanna risk getting another green bum. 1207 01:01:44,960 --> 01:01:48,960 But we need to go and find Marcus and Grumio. Our best bros, forever. 1208 01:01:48,960 --> 01:01:52,960 Mm, do we, though? I mean, they're probably fine. They're handy guys. 1209 01:01:52,960 --> 01:01:55,960 You just don't wanna leave cos we've found a tribe full of women. 1210 01:01:55,960 --> 01:01:58,320 But I... 1211 01:01:58,320 --> 01:01:59,960 Well, yes. Yeah. Obviously. 1212 01:01:59,960 --> 01:02:02,960 But this is, like, our dream situation. 1213 01:02:02,960 --> 01:02:04,960 Not really. None of them fancy me. Oh, come on... 1214 01:02:04,960 --> 01:02:07,160 One of 'em will. A bit. Maybe. 1215 01:02:07,160 --> 01:02:08,960 There's, like, 50 of them. 1216 01:02:08,960 --> 01:02:10,000 That's not enough. 1217 01:02:10,000 --> 01:02:12,960 The odds are still stacked against me. I need more. 1218 01:02:12,960 --> 01:02:14,960 What about the old one? I've not met an old one. 1219 01:02:14,960 --> 01:02:16,960 That's cos you've been cooped up in here. 1220 01:02:16,960 --> 01:02:18,320 You need to get out there, make an effort. 1221 01:02:18,320 --> 01:02:19,960 You are the second hottest guy in this village. 1222 01:02:19,960 --> 01:02:21,960 Work it. 1223 01:02:28,960 --> 01:02:30,960 Hello again. 1224 01:02:30,960 --> 01:02:34,960 So, I talked to the chef, and, er, he can't get you lobster, 1225 01:02:34,960 --> 01:02:35,960 because it's Sunday, 1226 01:02:35,960 --> 01:02:39,960 and as we are in the heat of July, he likes the seafood to be fresh. 1227 01:02:39,960 --> 01:02:41,960 As do I. I'm happy to wait. 1228 01:02:41,960 --> 01:02:43,960 Yes, but we are not, I'm afraid. 1229 01:02:43,960 --> 01:02:46,960 The sacrifice is this evening, so you have to choose something else. 1230 01:02:46,960 --> 01:02:48,960 I've already chosen the bisque. 1231 01:02:48,960 --> 01:02:50,960 The chef does an excellent confit duck. 1232 01:02:50,960 --> 01:02:52,960 Oh, I don't give a shit, mate. 1233 01:02:52,960 --> 01:02:55,960 My lobster bisque is enshrined in your constitution, you said. 1234 01:02:55,960 --> 01:02:58,000 Or are you Carpi not civilised after all? 1235 01:02:59,800 --> 01:03:01,960 Er, which Sunday in July is it, out of interest? 1236 01:03:01,960 --> 01:03:03,960 It is the 21st. Why do you ask? 1237 01:03:03,960 --> 01:03:06,960 My birthday's the 22nd. Ah. I'm, er... 1238 01:03:06,960 --> 01:03:08,160 gonna be 30 tomorrow. 1239 01:03:08,160 --> 01:03:09,960 Oh, many happy returns. Thanks. 1240 01:03:09,960 --> 01:03:11,480 But I'm afraid you won't. 1241 01:03:11,480 --> 01:03:13,960 The chef has no problem with your egg sandwich, 1242 01:03:13,960 --> 01:03:16,800 and you will still be sacrificed this evening. 1243 01:03:16,800 --> 01:03:18,800 Come on, mate. He'll have the bisque as well. 1244 01:03:18,800 --> 01:03:22,640 He's changed his mind, haven't you? Yes, I have. Thank you. 1245 01:03:22,640 --> 01:03:25,960 On reflection, I'd also like to go out in style. 1246 01:03:26,960 --> 01:03:28,960 Fine! 1247 01:03:28,960 --> 01:03:30,640 You have one more day. 1248 01:03:31,960 --> 01:03:36,800 Ha! Bloody hell, I can't believe that worked. 1249 01:03:36,800 --> 01:03:38,960 Cheers, Grumio. I guess your lifelong obsession with food 1250 01:03:38,960 --> 01:03:39,960 does have its uses after all. 1251 01:03:39,960 --> 01:03:42,960 Well, let's just try and give you a birthday to remember. 1252 01:03:42,960 --> 01:03:44,640 Oh, incoming! Hm? Argh! 1253 01:03:44,640 --> 01:03:46,960 Ha-ha! Missed me! 1254 01:03:46,960 --> 01:03:47,960 In your face, fuckhead. 1255 01:03:47,960 --> 01:03:50,960 You barbarian bastards! Ha-ha! 1256 01:03:50,960 --> 01:03:52,960 Ha-ha! 1257 01:03:54,960 --> 01:03:56,960 BOTH GRUNT IN SATISFACTION 1258 01:03:59,960 --> 01:04:01,960 Um... 1259 01:04:01,960 --> 01:04:05,960 Now that I've, er, performed my duty, my lady, 1260 01:04:05,960 --> 01:04:09,800 do you want me to F off, as per, or...? 1261 01:04:09,800 --> 01:04:10,960 No. No? 1262 01:04:10,960 --> 01:04:13,960 You can stay this time, Jason. 1263 01:04:13,960 --> 01:04:15,800 I wish to hold you for a while. 1264 01:04:15,800 --> 01:04:18,960 What, like a cuddle? No, nothing like a cuddle. Just... 1265 01:04:18,960 --> 01:04:20,960 a hold. Oh, OK. 1266 01:04:20,960 --> 01:04:22,960 Got it. 1267 01:04:22,960 --> 01:04:24,960 Did you just call me Jason? Yeah, I did. What of it? 1268 01:04:25,960 --> 01:04:29,160 You may call me Barbronelda, if you wish. 1269 01:04:29,160 --> 01:04:31,960 OK, sure. Yeah. 1270 01:04:31,960 --> 01:04:33,960 Barbro... It's a bit of a mouthful, innit? 1271 01:04:33,960 --> 01:04:36,320 It's beautiful, don't get me wrong, but... 1272 01:04:36,320 --> 01:04:40,480 what if I shortened it to Barbie? Or Babs? 1273 01:04:40,480 --> 01:04:41,960 No, not Barbie. Mm. 1274 01:04:43,480 --> 01:04:45,960 But I don't hate Babs. 1275 01:04:45,960 --> 01:04:47,960 Give us a cuddle, then, Babs. 1276 01:04:47,960 --> 01:04:50,800 Hm! 1277 01:04:50,800 --> 01:04:52,320 Ahem. 1278 01:04:52,320 --> 01:04:54,960 Back in your corner, Roman! 1279 01:04:54,960 --> 01:04:55,960 Yes, boss. 1280 01:04:55,960 --> 01:04:59,960 News, my lady, which may concern your concubine. 1281 01:04:59,960 --> 01:05:02,960 Whilst selling pepper to the Carpi, we saw two Roman prisoners. 1282 01:05:03,960 --> 01:05:05,960 They're being prepared for sacrifice. 1283 01:05:05,960 --> 01:05:07,960 What did they look like? 1284 01:05:07,960 --> 01:05:10,800 One had a big nose, 1285 01:05:10,800 --> 01:05:14,160 and the other resembled a tiny button mushroom. 1286 01:05:20,800 --> 01:05:22,960 I actually play the bugle and the lute, 1287 01:05:22,960 --> 01:05:25,960 so I'm highly skilled with my fingers and my tongue, 1288 01:05:25,960 --> 01:05:27,960 if you know what I'm saying. SHE CHUCKLES 1289 01:05:27,960 --> 01:05:28,960 Aurelius! You do? 1290 01:05:28,960 --> 01:05:31,960 I love the feathers, by the way... Aurelius! 1291 01:05:31,960 --> 01:05:33,960 Come here. Sorry, one second, babe. What? 1292 01:05:33,960 --> 01:05:35,960 Marcus and Grumio have been taken prisoner. 1293 01:05:35,960 --> 01:05:37,160 Like, we need to bust a move. 1294 01:05:37,160 --> 01:05:39,960 I mean, do we, though? What? 1295 01:05:39,960 --> 01:05:40,960 Well, they're handy guys. And, you know, 1296 01:05:40,960 --> 01:05:43,320 you were right, actually. My bum's still not 100%, 1297 01:05:43,320 --> 01:05:44,960 so I should probably just stay here. 1298 01:05:44,960 --> 01:05:47,960 Oh, you're getting some heat off the old dear, are you? 1299 01:05:47,960 --> 01:05:50,960 Her name's Zena, and yes, I am. Major heat. 1300 01:05:50,960 --> 01:05:51,960 I can't leave now. 1301 01:05:51,960 --> 01:05:54,960 But, mate, they'll be gutted, right? And I don't just mean disappointed. 1302 01:05:54,960 --> 01:05:56,960 I mean, actually gutted. Like, in the guts. 1303 01:05:56,960 --> 01:05:59,640 Come on, Aurelius, they need us. 1304 01:05:59,640 --> 01:06:01,960 Grr! Cock-blocking, again! 1305 01:06:01,960 --> 01:06:02,960 HE SIGHS 1306 01:06:02,960 --> 01:06:04,960 Fine. She'd only have humped me and dumped me. 1307 01:06:04,960 --> 01:06:07,960 Yeah, definitely. Right, come on, let's get tooled up. 1308 01:06:35,800 --> 01:06:36,960 Oh, mate, the beard's got to go. 1309 01:06:36,960 --> 01:06:39,160 No can do, bro. It's the source of my strength. 1310 01:06:39,160 --> 01:06:40,640 Our secret weapon. 1311 01:06:40,640 --> 01:06:42,960 All right. Well, in that case, keep it a secret, 1312 01:06:42,960 --> 01:06:44,480 all right? All right. 1313 01:06:45,960 --> 01:06:46,960 Good luck, Roman. 1314 01:06:46,960 --> 01:06:48,960 Oh, thank you. 1315 01:06:48,960 --> 01:06:52,960 And, like, thanks for having me. In every sense. 1316 01:06:53,960 --> 01:06:55,960 I'll miss you, Babs. 1317 01:06:55,960 --> 01:06:57,960 As will I. 1318 01:06:57,960 --> 01:07:02,960 Your enthusiasm for the work was... admirable. 1319 01:07:02,960 --> 01:07:04,960 Well, look, it was my pleasure. 1320 01:07:04,960 --> 01:07:07,960 It was the best job I've ever had, honestly. 1321 01:07:14,960 --> 01:07:16,000 Take care, now. 1322 01:07:16,000 --> 01:07:17,960 OK, yeah. 1323 01:07:19,960 --> 01:07:20,960 Bye, then. 1324 01:07:34,480 --> 01:07:38,960 # Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you 1325 01:07:38,960 --> 01:07:42,160 # Happy birthday, Marcu-u-u-u-s 1326 01:07:42,160 --> 01:07:43,960 # Happy birthday. # Indeed. 1327 01:07:43,960 --> 01:07:45,960 Happy birthday to you, 1328 01:07:45,960 --> 01:07:49,960 and also, happy death day to you both. 1329 01:07:49,960 --> 01:07:51,480 Ah, ah, ah - 1330 01:07:51,480 --> 01:07:52,960 hang on, mate. 1331 01:07:52,960 --> 01:07:55,960 Where's the tarragon? You can't have a bisque without tarragon. 1332 01:07:55,960 --> 01:07:58,480 That IS savage. He is right. You'll have to kill us tomorrow. 1333 01:07:58,480 --> 01:08:03,960 No! No tarragon, no more stalling. You eat, then you die. 1334 01:08:06,160 --> 01:08:07,960 Oh, oh... 1335 01:08:07,960 --> 01:08:11,960 tarragon or not, this chef has played a blinder. Mmm! 1336 01:08:14,320 --> 01:08:15,960 We should probably eat a bit slower, though. 1337 01:08:15,960 --> 01:08:18,640 The sooner we finish, the sooner we die, remember? 1338 01:08:18,640 --> 01:08:21,960 I'll try, Marcus, but it's so bloody tasty. 1339 01:08:26,960 --> 01:08:30,160 You know, even though we are being executed later, 1340 01:08:30,160 --> 01:08:31,960 I've had way worse birthdays than this. 1341 01:08:31,960 --> 01:08:35,160 Tell me about it. Remember when your parents got you that creepy clown? 1342 01:08:35,160 --> 01:08:37,960 How could I not? I sat on his lap for three hours. 1343 01:08:37,960 --> 01:08:39,960 GRUMIO LAUGHS 1344 01:08:39,960 --> 01:08:41,960 Grumio, please slow down. 1345 01:08:41,960 --> 01:08:44,960 Oh, fuck me, this is torture! 1346 01:08:56,960 --> 01:08:58,160 Stop! 1347 01:09:03,960 --> 01:09:06,960 Hi. Hi. Can we come in, please? 1348 01:09:08,960 --> 01:09:10,160 What's in the cart? 1349 01:09:10,160 --> 01:09:13,800 Oh, just a bit of pepper, handsome. 1350 01:09:13,800 --> 01:09:16,960 We could all use some spice in our lives, eh? 1351 01:09:23,960 --> 01:09:26,640 OK, you can go in. 1352 01:09:26,640 --> 01:09:29,960 Where the fuck did that come from? I don't know. I have no idea. 1353 01:09:40,160 --> 01:09:42,960 Wh-Whoa, hang on. You can't just leave it like that. 1354 01:09:42,960 --> 01:09:44,960 That's terrible parking. Mate, we're women. 1355 01:09:44,960 --> 01:09:46,960 Think about it. Oh, yes. Clever. 1356 01:09:46,960 --> 01:09:49,320 I mean, deeply sexist, but still... 1357 01:09:49,320 --> 01:09:52,640 OK, right, we'll have a nosy round, find out where they're holding them, 1358 01:09:52,640 --> 01:09:55,960 and then we'll come back for the blades. 1359 01:09:55,960 --> 01:09:57,800 Stop! 1360 01:09:59,800 --> 01:10:00,960 I want to buy some pepper. 1361 01:10:00,960 --> 01:10:03,960 Oh! Yeah, course. 1362 01:10:03,960 --> 01:10:06,320 Yeah, so, how much for one sack, please? 1363 01:10:06,320 --> 01:10:08,960 Erm, well, how much do you usually pay? 1364 01:10:08,960 --> 01:10:11,960 Oh, sometimes six gulden. You know, sometimes seven. 1365 01:10:11,960 --> 01:10:13,960 Six gulden is fine. Ah, great. 1366 01:10:13,960 --> 01:10:17,320 Oh... Can you girls break a 20? 1367 01:10:17,320 --> 01:10:19,960 Er, I'll tell you what, you can have it for free. 1368 01:10:19,960 --> 01:10:21,960 We're doing a little promotion. No, really? Yes. 1369 01:10:21,960 --> 01:10:24,000 Thank you. Generous and beautiful. 1370 01:10:24,000 --> 01:10:25,960 What next? Stop it! 1371 01:10:25,960 --> 01:10:28,960 Charmer. Oh, no, no, no. Come here, I'll help. 1372 01:10:28,960 --> 01:10:30,960 I can't... No, I can't have a lady hauling a heavy sack for me. 1373 01:10:30,960 --> 01:10:32,960 It's fine. You're quite old. 1374 01:10:32,960 --> 01:10:34,960 No, no. Really, I insist. Mate, let go! 1375 01:10:34,960 --> 01:10:36,960 HE COUGHS 1376 01:10:38,960 --> 01:10:40,960 Why is your cart full of swords? 1377 01:10:40,960 --> 01:10:41,960 HE SNEEZES 1378 01:10:41,960 --> 01:10:43,960 Oh! Guards! 1379 01:10:43,960 --> 01:10:45,960 Guards! Aurelius, we're on! 1380 01:10:45,960 --> 01:10:48,960 Ah... Hang on a sec, I need to sneeze... 1381 01:10:48,960 --> 01:10:52,960 Ah, forget it. HE SNEEZES 1382 01:10:52,960 --> 01:10:55,960 Hey, mate, have you got any bread to mop up the dregs? 1383 01:10:55,960 --> 01:10:59,000 No. Your meal is over and you will now be sacrificed, 1384 01:10:59,000 --> 01:11:00,960 along with these two. 1385 01:11:00,960 --> 01:11:02,640 Oh, God, really? All right, boys? 1386 01:11:02,640 --> 01:11:05,960 All right, Jase? It's not so bad. You get to choose your last meal. 1387 01:11:05,960 --> 01:11:08,960 No, no. That rule was removed from our constitution. 1388 01:11:08,960 --> 01:11:10,960 It was, sadly, open to abuse. 1389 01:11:15,960 --> 01:11:18,480 What are you doing here? And like that? 1390 01:11:18,480 --> 01:11:21,640 Well, we came to save you, didn't we? Ah, wicked. Cheers! 1391 01:11:21,640 --> 01:11:22,960 Yes. I mean, we failed, obviously. 1392 01:11:22,960 --> 01:11:24,960 Well, it's the thought that counts, in't it? 1393 01:11:24,960 --> 01:11:26,960 Hey, it's his 30th birthday, by the way. 1394 01:11:26,960 --> 01:11:28,960 Oh, sweet! Well, happy birthday. 1395 01:11:28,960 --> 01:11:30,960 Yeah, cheers. Glad you could make it. 1396 01:11:30,960 --> 01:11:33,960 # Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you 1397 01:11:33,960 --> 01:11:35,960 ALL: # Happy birthday to you. # 1398 01:11:35,960 --> 01:11:38,960 CHATTER, LAUGHTER 1399 01:11:59,960 --> 01:12:02,960 All right! He did it! 1400 01:12:02,960 --> 01:12:05,960 Mighty Zalmoxis, 1401 01:12:05,960 --> 01:12:08,960 we humbly offer you this sacrifice today. 1402 01:12:08,960 --> 01:12:11,800 CROWD: Yeah! 1403 01:12:11,800 --> 01:12:13,960 Which of you would like to go first? 1404 01:12:13,960 --> 01:12:14,960 Oh, bloody hell. 1405 01:12:14,960 --> 01:12:16,960 I don't much fancy seeing your lot's innards, 1406 01:12:16,960 --> 01:12:18,960 but I don't wanna cop it first, neither. 1407 01:12:18,960 --> 01:12:20,960 Yeah, sort of lose-lose, really, innit? 1408 01:12:20,960 --> 01:12:22,960 I'll do it. I'll go first. I'm the oldest. 1409 01:12:22,960 --> 01:12:25,960 You're not, actually. I am. I'm 39. 1410 01:12:25,960 --> 01:12:26,960 What? You're 39? Are you?! 1411 01:12:26,960 --> 01:12:29,960 Yeah. Why you hanging round with us, then, you creepy old nonce? 1412 01:12:29,960 --> 01:12:31,960 I didn't realise you were a fucking adult. 1413 01:12:31,960 --> 01:12:33,960 Yeah, because I look late 20s, max. Thank you very much. 1414 01:12:33,960 --> 01:12:35,320 Compliment taken. Come on. 1415 01:12:35,320 --> 01:12:38,960 It does not matter who goes first. You are all going to die. 1416 01:12:38,960 --> 01:12:40,960 Shit! OK, er... 1417 01:12:40,960 --> 01:12:44,960 I guess, bye, then. See you in the afterlife, ideally. 1418 01:12:44,960 --> 01:12:48,960 And with this heretic Roman's entrails... 1419 01:12:50,960 --> 01:12:52,960 ..we honour thee! 1420 01:12:52,960 --> 01:12:53,960 ARROW WHISTLES 1421 01:12:53,960 --> 01:12:57,320 CLAMOUR 1422 01:12:57,320 --> 01:12:58,960 Babs?! Who? 1423 01:12:58,960 --> 01:13:00,960 VARIOUS BATTLE-CRIES 1424 01:13:00,960 --> 01:13:02,960 We are under attack! 1425 01:13:04,640 --> 01:13:06,000 Argh! SHOUTS, CLAMOUR 1426 01:13:06,000 --> 01:13:07,960 Men to arms! 1427 01:13:10,960 --> 01:13:12,960 Argh! 1428 01:13:12,960 --> 01:13:14,960 BELL RINGING 1429 01:13:19,960 --> 01:13:21,960 Here y'are! 1430 01:13:24,000 --> 01:13:25,960 What...? Oh, her name's Barbronelda. 1431 01:13:25,960 --> 01:13:28,320 Yeah, we've been hooking up the last couple of days. 1432 01:13:28,320 --> 01:13:30,960 Sorry, so while we were held prisoner, you've been busy humping? 1433 01:13:30,960 --> 01:13:33,160 Yeah, well, I was a prisoner too. But just, like, a sex one. 1434 01:13:33,160 --> 01:13:34,960 Course you were. Nice one, son! 1435 01:13:34,960 --> 01:13:37,960 I know! This whole time, I thought I wanted to get some booty, 1436 01:13:37,960 --> 01:13:39,960 when actually, I wanna BE the booty. 1437 01:13:39,960 --> 01:13:41,960 Wow. How profound (!) 1438 01:13:41,960 --> 01:13:44,640 Guys, can we discuss this later, please? 1439 01:13:44,640 --> 01:13:45,960 Kill the Romans! 1440 01:13:45,960 --> 01:13:48,800 Kill them! Oh, shit! 1441 01:13:48,800 --> 01:13:49,960 BARBARIANS ROAR 1442 01:13:49,960 --> 01:13:52,800 Argh! 1443 01:13:52,800 --> 01:13:53,960 Oh, shit! 1444 01:13:53,960 --> 01:13:55,960 Fucking war! 1445 01:13:55,960 --> 01:13:58,960 GRUNTING 1446 01:14:07,960 --> 01:14:09,960 Babs! Jason! 1447 01:14:09,960 --> 01:14:10,960 Thanks for coming to save me. 1448 01:14:10,960 --> 01:14:15,960 If anyone's gonna disembowel my concubine, it's going to be me. 1449 01:14:15,960 --> 01:14:17,960 Stay at my rear. Always. 1450 01:14:17,960 --> 01:14:19,960 THEY YELL 1451 01:14:26,960 --> 01:14:28,960 Thank you. Don't mind if I do. 1452 01:14:36,000 --> 01:14:37,960 Argh! 1453 01:14:37,960 --> 01:14:39,000 Yes, Aurelius! ARROW WHISTLES 1454 01:14:39,000 --> 01:14:40,960 Ow! No, ow! 1455 01:14:41,960 --> 01:14:43,960 Argh! 1456 01:14:43,960 --> 01:14:46,960 Grumio, what are you doing?! 1457 01:14:46,960 --> 01:14:48,960 Don't stop now! I want my bloody eagle. Why?! 1458 01:14:48,960 --> 01:14:51,960 It's just a lump of metal. Yeah, that them bastards nicked off me. 1459 01:14:51,960 --> 01:14:53,960 I'll 'ave it back with a quick grabaroo. 1460 01:14:53,960 --> 01:14:54,960 No. No more grabaroos! 1461 01:14:54,960 --> 01:14:57,160 Hey, you do you, soft lad. I'm going in. 1462 01:14:57,160 --> 01:14:58,960 What? Please, Grumio! 1463 01:14:58,960 --> 01:15:01,960 It's not worth it! Just obey me, for once in your life! 1464 01:15:03,960 --> 01:15:08,960 Well, I'm going, Grumio. I'll see you outside, OK? 1465 01:15:08,960 --> 01:15:10,960 Come on, let's get out of here. What? 1466 01:15:13,960 --> 01:15:16,960 Stop! Hand that over at once. 1467 01:15:16,960 --> 01:15:19,960 Get to fuck, mate. That eagle is a beacon of hope 1468 01:15:19,960 --> 01:15:22,960 for all of us who refuse to bow down to Roman oppression. 1469 01:15:22,960 --> 01:15:24,640 It's mine, is what it is. 1470 01:15:24,640 --> 01:15:25,960 YELLING 1471 01:15:28,960 --> 01:15:30,480 Fuck. 1472 01:15:30,480 --> 01:15:32,160 Get back, or I'll bloody beat you! 1473 01:15:34,960 --> 01:15:37,000 Oh, my nose! 1474 01:15:37,000 --> 01:15:38,960 YELLING 1475 01:15:44,960 --> 01:15:49,960 FOOTSTEPS THUD 1476 01:15:49,960 --> 01:15:51,960 HE STRAINS 1477 01:15:54,960 --> 01:15:57,320 STRANGLED CRY 1478 01:16:01,480 --> 01:16:02,960 What...? 1479 01:16:02,960 --> 01:16:03,960 Stab, don't swipe! 1480 01:16:03,960 --> 01:16:05,960 Oh, yeah. 1481 01:16:05,960 --> 01:16:09,960 Argh! 1482 01:16:11,960 --> 01:16:13,960 GURGLING 1483 01:16:23,800 --> 01:16:24,960 Can we go now? 1484 01:16:24,960 --> 01:16:26,960 Yes, please. 1485 01:16:41,960 --> 01:16:45,160 RETCHING Oh, not the bisque. 1486 01:16:45,160 --> 01:16:47,960 What a waste. Argh! 1487 01:16:47,960 --> 01:16:49,960 I can't believe it's happened again. 1488 01:16:49,960 --> 01:16:51,960 I know. It's like you're TRYING to get shot in the arse. 1489 01:16:51,960 --> 01:16:53,960 I've got three holes back there now. 1490 01:16:53,960 --> 01:16:55,960 You could pick me up like a bowling ball. 1491 01:16:55,960 --> 01:16:57,320 Well, d'you want me to yank it out? 1492 01:16:57,320 --> 01:16:59,960 No, no! Can you ask her to do it, please? 1493 01:16:59,960 --> 01:17:02,960 I don't want another green bum situation, thank you. 1494 01:17:03,960 --> 01:17:07,960 So, now you're no longer honouring the mighty Zalmoxis 1495 01:17:07,960 --> 01:17:09,960 with your entrails, what are your plans for the day? 1496 01:17:09,960 --> 01:17:13,480 Er... I guess we need to get back to Rome. 1497 01:17:13,480 --> 01:17:16,480 But despite popular wisdom, very few roads seem to lead there. 1498 01:17:16,480 --> 01:17:18,960 Ow, God, that stings! 1499 01:17:18,960 --> 01:17:19,960 Don't be a baby. 1500 01:17:19,960 --> 01:17:23,160 You know, your evil empire is stationed about half a day that way. 1501 01:17:23,160 --> 01:17:25,960 Hitch a ride with them. Yeah, that's the thing. 1502 01:17:25,960 --> 01:17:29,960 We're not exactly that popular with our evil empire. 1503 01:17:29,960 --> 01:17:31,800 Yet. 1504 01:17:54,960 --> 01:17:56,960 APPLAUSE Found the eagle. No big deal, lads. 1505 01:17:56,960 --> 01:17:58,800 Just bringing it home to Rome. 1506 01:17:58,800 --> 01:17:59,960 APPLAUSE 1507 01:17:59,960 --> 01:18:01,960 MAN: Well done, boys. 1508 01:18:04,960 --> 01:18:07,960 Let us through, fellas. Respect the eagle, please. 1509 01:18:07,960 --> 01:18:10,000 You? YOU found the eagle? 1510 01:18:10,000 --> 01:18:13,960 Yeah. Ah... You can buy me a drink later to say thanks. 1511 01:18:13,960 --> 01:18:15,960 Yeah! Well done, boys! 1512 01:18:21,960 --> 01:18:23,960 Jove be praised. 1513 01:18:23,960 --> 01:18:26,000 Where on earth was it? The Carpi tribe had taken it, sir. 1514 01:18:26,000 --> 01:18:28,960 Just say barbarians. I can't keep up with all the weird names. 1515 01:18:28,960 --> 01:18:31,320 We snuck in, we duffed 'em up and we grabbed our big bird there. 1516 01:18:31,320 --> 01:18:34,320 Marvellous. Well, jolly good work. I'm absolutely thrilled about this. 1517 01:18:34,320 --> 01:18:35,960 You're welcome. Yes. 1518 01:18:35,960 --> 01:18:36,960 You shall now be executed. 1519 01:18:36,960 --> 01:18:38,960 Not again! What?! 1520 01:18:38,960 --> 01:18:41,160 You're deserters. Ergo, you must be crucified. 1521 01:18:41,160 --> 01:18:42,960 I mean, I guess that beats disembowelment. 1522 01:18:42,960 --> 01:18:45,960 Barely. Come on, we got the bastard eagle back. 1523 01:18:45,960 --> 01:18:47,960 Yeah, you should be giving us a medal, if anything. 1524 01:18:47,960 --> 01:18:49,960 Also, I'm not sure I've forgiven you 1525 01:18:49,960 --> 01:18:51,960 for clicking my neck. Oh, look, mate... 1526 01:18:51,960 --> 01:18:53,960 "Mate"? General, sir. 1527 01:18:53,960 --> 01:18:54,960 We know that there was no invasion 1528 01:18:54,960 --> 01:18:58,960 and this war was waged entirely to get hold of more bauxite. 1529 01:18:58,960 --> 01:19:00,960 Did you know about that? About the bauxite? 1530 01:19:00,960 --> 01:19:02,640 Yes, of course. Did you? 1531 01:19:02,640 --> 01:19:04,960 Well, maybe the Roman people should too. 1532 01:19:04,960 --> 01:19:06,960 Oh, the plebs in Rome don't care why wars are waged, 1533 01:19:06,960 --> 01:19:09,000 as long as we win them and bring home some funny animals. 1534 01:19:09,000 --> 01:19:12,480 That is true. So let's erect the crucifixes and get this over with. 1535 01:19:12,480 --> 01:19:14,160 Oh, sorry, sir, I meant to say. 1536 01:19:14,160 --> 01:19:17,960 The crosses have all been dismantled and packed onto the wagons. 1537 01:19:17,960 --> 01:19:20,960 All right, fine. You're free to go. But I'm discharging the lot of you 1538 01:19:20,960 --> 01:19:21,960 the minute we arrive in Rome, 1539 01:19:21,960 --> 01:19:24,640 and you must promise never to set foot in the army again. 1540 01:19:24,640 --> 01:19:25,960 Yeah, deal. Yeah. 1541 01:19:25,960 --> 01:19:28,960 Hang on. Were there not four deserters? 1542 01:19:28,960 --> 01:19:30,960 There were, sir. Ergo, one is missing. 1543 01:19:30,960 --> 01:19:32,960 Yes, sir. 1544 01:19:32,960 --> 01:19:36,960 Jason Brindisi. He died liberating the eagle. 1545 01:19:36,960 --> 01:19:40,960 Oh. Well, that's one less mouth to feed on our journey home. 1546 01:19:40,960 --> 01:19:43,960 But also very sad. 1547 01:19:45,160 --> 01:19:48,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1548 01:19:48,960 --> 01:19:52,160 Hiya. Yep. 1549 01:19:52,160 --> 01:19:53,960 Hello. 1550 01:19:56,960 --> 01:19:58,960 We had a good war, on balance. 1551 01:19:58,960 --> 01:20:01,960 Well, it was terrifying and horrible 1552 01:20:01,960 --> 01:20:04,960 and waged purely to further the economic interest of the state, 1553 01:20:04,960 --> 01:20:06,640 but, yeah, you know, we didn't die. 1554 01:20:06,640 --> 01:20:07,960 Like I say, on balance. 1555 01:20:07,960 --> 01:20:09,960 Salve, Grumio. 1556 01:20:09,960 --> 01:20:11,960 All right, Landlord? 1557 01:20:11,960 --> 01:20:14,960 Hey, hey, hey, now we're veterans, we'll probs get our old flat back. 1558 01:20:14,960 --> 01:20:18,960 Bagsy Jason's old room, if that's cool with you guys? 1559 01:20:19,960 --> 01:20:21,960 Yeah, all right. You're in. 1560 01:20:21,960 --> 01:20:23,320 Yes! I'm in! 1561 01:20:23,320 --> 01:20:25,960 I'm finally in! HE LAUGHS 1562 01:20:25,960 --> 01:20:26,960 Whoo! 1563 01:20:28,640 --> 01:20:30,960 Yeah, so sorry to keep you again. 1564 01:20:30,960 --> 01:20:33,960 Believe it or not, we got caught in another military parade. 1565 01:20:33,960 --> 01:20:35,160 You're over three months late. 1566 01:20:35,160 --> 01:20:36,960 And in a military campaign. Yeah. 1567 01:20:36,960 --> 01:20:38,320 Right. OK. 1568 01:20:38,320 --> 01:20:41,960 Well, in the interim, your slave licence has been approved 1569 01:20:41,960 --> 01:20:42,960 and is now ready to sign. 1570 01:20:42,960 --> 01:20:44,960 Go on, then. 1571 01:20:45,960 --> 01:20:47,960 Do you have a manumission form, in fact? 1572 01:20:47,960 --> 01:20:50,960 Why? Do you want that one instead now? 1573 01:20:50,960 --> 01:20:51,960 I do, yeah. 1574 01:20:51,960 --> 01:20:53,960 Thanks. 1575 01:20:55,800 --> 01:20:57,960 What's this green one, then? It's manumission. 1576 01:20:57,960 --> 01:20:59,960 As in, freedom. 1577 01:21:01,480 --> 01:21:02,960 You are no longer a slave. 1578 01:21:02,960 --> 01:21:04,960 You what? 1579 01:21:04,960 --> 01:21:07,960 Are you yanking my chain? You're freeing me? 1580 01:21:07,960 --> 01:21:09,960 Yeah. 1581 01:21:09,960 --> 01:21:13,960 Well, all this licence business is such a bloody faff, isn't it? 1582 01:21:15,960 --> 01:21:18,160 And also, when that barbarian was about to cut you in half 1583 01:21:18,160 --> 01:21:20,960 and I was home free, 1584 01:21:20,960 --> 01:21:22,960 I wasn't coming back for my slave, I was.. 1585 01:21:24,960 --> 01:21:26,960 ..coming back for my brother. 1586 01:21:29,800 --> 01:21:33,960 My selfish, lazy, greedy scrotum of a brother. 1587 01:21:46,960 --> 01:21:50,960 There is a queue, you realise? Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, yeah. 1588 01:21:52,960 --> 01:21:53,960 Now you are a free man, 1589 01:21:53,960 --> 01:21:55,960 you can obviously fuck off and never see me again. 1590 01:21:55,960 --> 01:21:57,960 Mm-hm. I mean, it's nice to have the option, 1591 01:21:57,960 --> 01:22:00,960 but I reckon I'll stick around for a bit. 1592 01:22:00,960 --> 01:22:03,960 So... What shall we do now, then? 1593 01:22:03,960 --> 01:22:05,960 Well, now that I'm 30, 1594 01:22:05,960 --> 01:22:07,960 I should probably focus on settling down, 1595 01:22:07,960 --> 01:22:10,960 starting a career, get a mortgage, that sort of thing. 1596 01:22:10,960 --> 01:22:14,000 Right, cos I were gonna suggest getting some free chicken. 1597 01:22:14,000 --> 01:22:16,960 Yeah, that's much better. All right. Come on. 1598 01:22:16,960 --> 01:22:20,960 # I can see clearly Now the rain is gone... # 1599 01:22:20,960 --> 01:22:23,960 ..great big numbers, like, massive, massive chickens. Oh, yeah? 1600 01:22:23,960 --> 01:22:24,960 Erm, Greece, it was. 1601 01:22:24,960 --> 01:22:28,480 And there were all these different condiments... 1602 01:22:28,480 --> 01:22:31,960 # I can see all obstacles In my way... # 1603 01:22:31,960 --> 01:22:34,640 Spicy, spicy. Get me so excited... 1604 01:22:34,640 --> 01:22:39,960 # Gone are the dark clouds That had me blind 1605 01:22:39,960 --> 01:22:42,960 # It's gonna be a bright Bright 1606 01:22:42,960 --> 01:22:46,960 # Bright Bright Sunshiny day 1607 01:22:49,960 --> 01:22:55,960 # I think I can make it Now the pain is gone 1608 01:22:57,960 --> 01:23:03,320 # All of the bad feelings Have disappeared 1609 01:23:05,160 --> 01:23:08,480 # Here is that rainbow I've been praying for... # 1610 01:23:08,480 --> 01:23:11,960 HE CHUCKLES Yes! 1611 01:23:11,960 --> 01:23:13,960 # It's gonna be a bright Bright 1612 01:23:13,960 --> 01:23:17,960 # Bright Bright Sunshiny day 1613 01:23:20,800 --> 01:23:26,960 # Look all around There's nothing but blue skies 1614 01:23:26,960 --> 01:23:33,000 # Look straight ahead There's nothing but blue skies 1615 01:23:39,960 --> 01:23:45,960 # I can see clearly Now the rain is gone 1616 01:23:46,960 --> 01:23:52,000 # I can see all obstacles in my way 1617 01:23:54,960 --> 01:24:00,960 # Gone are the dark clouds That had me blind 1618 01:24:00,960 --> 01:24:03,960 # It's gonna be a bright Bright 1619 01:24:03,960 --> 01:24:07,480 # Bright Bright Sunshiny day. # 1620 01:24:07,480 --> 01:24:09,960 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com