MYSTERIOUS VOCALISING
HORSE NEIGHS
BIRDS CAWING
Grumio? Grumio, mate?
Marcus?
Grumio. No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Grumio?
Grumio? No. MARCUS CRIES
Grumio, please don't be dead.
Don't be dead, Grumio. Don't be dead!
I'm sorry.
Poor, sweet Grumio.
MARCUS SOBS
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
Hurry up, Grumio, you lazy slug. Why are you so slow?
Told you we shouldn't have set off now,
in between brekkie and me morning poo.
I'm fully loaded over here.
Yes. Well, not everything in life
can be timed around your bowel movements, I'm afraid.
ALL: Hail! Hail! ELEPHANTS TRUMPET
Oh, you're kidding me! Now we'll definitely be late.
Can't we just nip across this party, or whatever?
It's not a party, you idiot. It's a victory parade.
You don't just nip across. Ooh, victory?
Who'd they beat this time? The Parthians.
Looks like we kicked their arses. Fucking losers!
Ha-ha-ha! In your face, Parthians.
CHANTS: Who are ya? Who are ya?
Who, who, who are they, then, these Parthians?
No idea. Either way, I'm not sure we should be cheering
the annihilation of another race.
It's their fault, in't it, for messing with t'best?
Come on. Let's go the long way round.
ELEPHANT TRUMPETS Bloody hell, what were that?
It sounds like we stole an elephant.
They can do that with their nose, apparently.
You what? This, I've got to see.
Argh! Oh, sorry!
You're treading on my foot. Sorry. We just wanna see the elephant.
Well, I wanna see soldiers.
Remind myself what real men look like.
Like professional murderers, I guess.
Well, not like some whiny pussy, whose mum still tucks him in.
You have a narrow definition of masculinity.
Touch me again, I'll lamp ya.
And my mum doesn't tuck me in, thank you.
Bloody Nora, it's a whopper!
Argh!
I warned you, dickhead.
Grumio, help me! Ha-ha-ha, this is quality. Ha-ha!
TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS
You're half an hour late. Yeah, sorry.
It was the army's fault for blocking the road.
And an old woman's fault for punching me in the face.
And my slave's for not defending me. Defence in't my forte.
This is a slave whose licence you failed to renew.
Grumio, is it? It is, yes. Hello.
Yeah, again, his fault for not completing the paperwork.
Paperwork's not my forte either.
I'm not sure he has a forte, to be honest.
Well, why renew his licence, then? Wouldn't you rather just sell him?
What? Do you wanna buy him?
Definitely not. And there you go.
He's a dud, and I'm stuck with him. Pot, kettle, mate.
Right. Well, fill in this form,
and return to collect your licence next week.
And don't be late this time. Yeah.
Well, can I use your back to write on? Oh!
And he says I don't have a forte.
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
GROANING
OK, darling. Right, next match, you V me.
No? All right, just follow him instead.
Don't blame you, he's a bleeding beefcake.
We're busy. Why are we busy? All right, boys?
Yeah, I filled the place with soldiers.
There's someone in me seat.
It's a small price to pay, Grumio. This is amazing!
I know, right?
I signed us up to this thing
where businesses give freebies to soldiers.
Freebies? Yeah. And then they all just pile in.
They're getting freebies? Yes. Why would you do that?
Erm, to show some appreciation to the heroes, maybe.
Yeah. And to show some appreciation to the hotties that follow 'em in.
Although, they're only really interested in the heroes, though.
Sort of backfired in that respect.
It's backfired in every bloody respect.
This is a disaster! Yeah. Where am I meant to sit?
Excuse me?! Hello!
Hello, heroes and friends of heroes.
Just to say, we are no longer participating
in the free food and drink scheme.
You're more than welcome to stay,
but from now on, you'll have to pay.
GROANING
We've already paid, mate, with our service.
OK. Well, from now on, you can pay with your money,
for our service.
Is this guy for real? Are you for real?
Yes, I am.
We just conquered Parthia for pricks like you,
and this is the thanks we get?
You didn't conquer it for me.
I was fine without Parthia, thank you.
Some of us got killed. Yes. Well, not you, though, clearly.
I got wounded, mate.
Picked up this baby on the final assault.
Did you? Really?
Because I picked up a similar baby
falling off a pony when I was nine, so...
Oh, I can't find it now. It must have faded.
Either way, you will have to pay, I'm afraid.
Well, come on, then, lads,
let's go somewhere that values our sacrifice.
They're doing free chicken at The Beak Barn.
Yeah, that's more like it.
Come on.
You need to respect the eagle, boy.
Oi, oi, oi! Stop it! Come on.
A couple more whacks, the whole thing'll come down.
All right, Landlord?
Salve, Grumio. Look at this. I have a message from the Emperor.
Oh, right. Were that him there, then?
Oh, yeah, yeah. He's very hands-on. What's it say?
"Following the victory in Parthia,
"His Holiness Augustus Caesar hereby calls an end to all wars
"and declares an era of lasting peace."
Oh, sweet! Peace is way better.
Well, it's more peaceful, in't it? Yeah.
"As a result, our brave veterans will now need housing,
"and so he commands a series of purchase orders
"on selected tenements, including this one."
What? They're buying this place? And kicking us out, yeah.
Don't kick us out. We love it here!
Well, I wouldn't go that far, but yeah, please don't kick us out.
That'd be a huge faff. Don't sweat it, boys.
You know me, I can wriggle out of it.
Cheers, Landlord. Nice.
"Given the inconvenience,
"we are prepared to offer an inflated price of a h..."
Bloody hell! Erm...
Right. So, does that mean...?
Well, maybe I can't wriggle out of it, actually.
Oh, super! Super-duper!
I mean, how have they done this?
In one day, these heroes have absolutely smashed
my quality of life.
This must be what it's like for the bloody Parthians.
Look, I hear you, brother, and I agree.
It is jizz. It's red-hot jizz, OK?
But it's how we respond to this stuff that counts.
Yes, yes. I know. Think of the positives.
Focus on what we've got. Well, no.
I was thinking more, we join the army.
I'm sorry, what kind of response is that?
Look, think about it.
As soon as we put them uniforms on,
we're gonna be drowning in hotties, free chicken.
And it doesn't matter if we get turfed out of this place
because they'll put us up in barracks.
You had me at free chicken, sweetheart.
And your quality of life, double naughty.
I mean, yeah, unless I get killed.
Death wouldn't be ideal for my quality of life either.
Yeah, but you heard Landlord.
His Holiness has declared an era of lasting peace.
We'd have all the perks without any of the shit stuff,
eg, dying.
And we might get one of them bog-brush helmets. Exactly.
Come on, man, there has never been a better time to sign up.
I turn 30 in a few weeks.
I'm not just starting again as a soldier.
Plus, there's the bar. We've got to think about that.
That place has got so much untapped potential.
AURELIUS: Look around you. They've trashed the place.
Me stock's gone, the plates are in pieces,
and they've shat in the wine jugs.
Ugh. It's quite impressive, actually.
Oh!
So, Jason, why do you want to join the armed forces?
Er, I guess, to impress girls, you know what I mean?
OK. I'm going to put "to give something back to my country".
Cool. Yeah, yeah. That, too. Yeah.
Ooh!
Aaahhh!
Could you please tell me the motto of the Roman Army?
Uh, "kill strangers, get elephants"?
Almost. It's "strength and honour".
Well, they both work, don't they?
WHISPERS: Yes!
What would you say is your greatest achievement?
That's a tricky one. There's so much to choose from.
I once ate a wheelbarrow full of cheese.
OK. Anything else?
I didn't cut my toenails for a year.
I think I'll stick with the cheese.
You're the boss.
Congratulations! Welcome to the army.
Ha! That was easier than I thought.
Well, with so many soldiers retiring,
we're taking almost anyone at the moment.
OK. That makes sense now.
And we get 2,000 denarii just for signing up.
I can't believe it. I know!
I'm still waiting for the catch. I think it's coming now.
Oh, for Jove's sake, what are you doing here?
Erm, giving something back to my country, of course.
Did you follow us?
Well, let's not dwell on who followed who.
So, yes, then. Yes, I did. But who cares?
We're together, is what matters.
This is a whole new adventure for us.
The Barracks Boys.
When do I learn how to strangle someone?
Recruits, fall in.
Which one's fall in? Sorry, mate.
Just stand still, golden tits.
Morning!
My name is Centurion Gordian,
but YOU can call me sir.
My job is to turn you bunch of bed-wetters
into a crack troop of hardened killers.
Which, seeing as the Emperor has called an end to all war,
is a complete fucking waste of time.
We should just form a daisy chain and fucking tug each other dry.
But the big man is paying us...
..so let's crack on with the oath.
Repeat after me,
I swear by the sacred gods of mine own honour...
ALL: I swear by the sacred gods of mine own honour...
'..that I will faithfully serve under the standards of Rome...'
ALL: '..that I will faithfully serve under the standards of Rome...'
'..that I will follow my commander, wherever he may lead...'
'..that I will obey orders enthusiastically
'and without question...'
'..that I will obey orders enthusiastically
'and without question...'
'..that I will support my fellow soldiers...'
'..and I will never desert the legion.'
Having made this solemn oath, I congratulate you.
Welcome to the Second Legion.
You are now soldiers of Rome.
Easy-peasy!
I told her I was a commando. I don't even know what that is.
It's someone who don't wear undies.
That was definitely true by the end of the night.
I've got to hand it to you, Jason, I cannot believe how cushy this is.
I know! And it's just marching about, which is basically walking.
And not to stroke me own goat,
but I had nailed that by the age of two.
And this is great. Uh-huh.
I didn't catch much of that, Grumio,
but I'm assuming it was something about the free chicken.
THEY CHUCKLE
I need 400 sacks of grain,
200 packhorses and 3,000 cabbages.
Oh, that's a big recipe. What are you making, a stew?
CHUCKLES No, no.
We had news last night of a barbarian invasion
on our northern border.
Oh, really? Where's that, then?
Frisia. About a three-week march away.
Oh, that's fine. They won't get here for ages.
They won't get here at all, ideally.
We're sending the Second Legion to drive them back.
Nice one! That'll learn 'em.
But that's us. We're the Second Legion.
Oh, shit! That is us. There we go. The penny's dropped.
Yes, the Emperor's put us on an immediate war footing, you see.
But what about the era of lasting peace?
I suppose it didn't last very long, did it? As per.
Did you hear the news, lads? Go pack your bollocks.
We're going to war, baby. Come on!
Let's kill some filthy foreign fucks. Yes!
Strength and honour, then.
Strength and honour.
War?! Fucking war?
"There's never been a better time to sign up," you said.
Well, don't blame me.
Blame the barbarians for invading, or the Emperor for getting wound up.
Chill out. It'll be fine.
I'm sorry, what? War will be fine?
Probs.
Yeah. Look, it might even be good.
Right, we toddle up there, fight some foreigners,
bang some birds and then we toddle back.
It'll be like a lads' holiday.
Of course it won't. It will be horrible.
War is not for guys like us, OK? Let alone Grumio.
What? Why "let alone Grumio"?
What part of soldiering in't for me?
Well, let's have a think, shall we?
Erm, getting out of bed, making your bed.
Two things you struggle with in the first few minutes of the day.
And how will you cope with the bloodthirsty barbarians?
Well, I'll give them a wide berth, obviously.
And if shit gets nasty, I'll play dead.
I think you won't have to play dead, Grumio, when you will just be dead.
Don't worry about me, son. I'll ace it.
MARCUS SCOFFS
Hey, if you're not up for it, mate,
then how's about you just don't come?
Well, no, because that's desertion.
And according to our oath, that is not cool.
MARCUS BREATHES HEAVILY
Grumio, pass me that knife.
I'm gonna chop my pinkie off.
What? How's that gonna help?
The army needs you to have all ten fingers.
It's a bit chicken-y. Don't fucking judge me.
I meant the knife, it's covered in chicken juice.
That's fine. Just give it here.
HE EXHALES
Goodbye, little finger.
Never really used you,
but I thank you for your sacrifice to save the rest of me, so...
MARCUS EXHALES
If I can just... bring myself to do it.
MARCUS WINCES
OK, I am a bit chicken-y.
War it is, then. Good choice! I'll get one more for the road.
Excuse me!
LIVELY MUSIC
Company, fall out.
Fall out, not fall down, Gallo, you ugly turd.
On your feet, man.
Welcome. Welcome to the garrison.
It's a bit of a sausage party, innit?
What, the army? Yeah, it is. What were you expecting?
Well, like, a girl in every port. That's the saying, innit?
Yeah, about the navy. Is it? Shit!
Saw a hot blonde standing in a field a couple of days back.
That was a scarecrow, Grumio.
A hot scarecrow, then. GORDIAN: Company, attention!
ALL: Sir.
Get yourselves in groups of four, and grab a tent from the pile.
Chop, chop! Get to it!
And a one, two, three, four, they call us The Canvas Crew.
I don't think they do, actually. No fucking way, mate.
But why not? We're a ready-made foursome.
Er, well, because our tent's full.
Yeah, we're already a foursome, mate.
What? How? Who with?
Oh, God, where's he gone?
It's a bit of a sausage fest, innit?
There he is. Oi, mate! Remind me your name again.
Draco Fructus. Why?
That's the one. And you're in a tent with us, right?
Yeah. So, whatever!
Sorry, bro. We can't let Draco Fructus down.
All right, lads, do you want to share a tent?
No, OK.
Greetings, Centurion. Welcome to Frisia.
Thank you, sir. Glad to be here.
You shouldn't be. This place is a total toilet.
Yeah. Foreign milk tastes weird, doesn't it, Corporal?
Oh, it does, sir. Pillows are weird as well.
No fluff to them at all, is there, Corporal?
Oh, they are very flat, sir. Disgustingly flat.
Well, let's hope these newbies are up to snuff,
so we can get out of this dump, pronto.
They certainly are, sir.
GRUMIO: Where's the corners? That man's stuck in a tent.
GRUMIO: Which way's the right? Get off me!
For fuck's sake!
Get off me!
Ridiculous!
GORDIAN: Go. Move, move, move, move, move, move, move. Move!
Come on. That's it, boys. Move on through there.
And the next! Let's go. Go on, that's it, wee man.
Faster, Gallo, you boneless dick!
Go, go, go! That's it, that's it!
Keep moving. Come on, Gallo. Pathetic.
You're like a lifeless testicle.
Concentrate, Gallo,
that wrist's had enough practice, hasn't it?
Well done, Grumio. That's nice and shiny.
Don't just hang there, Gallo, you miserable streak of spunk.
Pull up!
OK, shit birds, the moment you've all been waiting for.
Combat training.
I need a volunteer.
Go on, then, sir, I'll have a bash. Good man.
Grab a sword. All right. Oh!
Now, I want you to edge forward,
side on and stab it.
Yes, sir. I'll do my best.
Good. Good stance.
Low centre of gravity.
Did you spar back in Rome?
Well, the bath house did have a steam room, yeah.
Did you fight at home?
No, sir. I mostly ate and slept.
Ah, then, you must be a natural.
MARCUS SCOFFS AND CHUCKLES
You disagree, do you, legionary?
Well, perhaps you would like to show us how it's done.
Oh, yes, please do, legionary.
OK.
So, something like... Side on.
I ordered you to stab, not swipe!
Got it. "Got it, sir."
Got it, sir. All right. It's quite heavy, innit?
Side on!
I ordered you to stab, not swipe!
Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab!
Oh, oh! Did I say you could stop?!
Sorry, sir, I just got a splinter. A splinter? Oh, shit!
Oh, is that why you're wailing like a baby being buggered, is it?
SOLDIERS LAUGH
How in Jove's name are you gonna cope with actual barbarians?
Will they be made of wood, sir?
No, legionary, they will not be made of wood!
They will be made of pure savagery and hatred!
Something you'd better be ready for
if you're gonna be in the front line of the Roman fucking Army.
Sorry, in the front line?
Stand down, Gallo, you quivering anus.
And shut up.
Pathetic!
The front line?
I thought we'd be hidden in the middle somewhere.
The front line's closest to the action. That's what you want.
If you're at a gig, yes. Not at a war.
Hey, we'll be first into enemy territory,
so dibs on the spoils, if you know what I'm saying?
Oh-ho, yeah. I'm gonna spoils myself rotten.
Oh, yeah, man, we'll scoop up some of that sweet barbarian booty.
The booty! The fruity booty!
Sorry, just to be clear,
are you talking about sexual assault?
No! I don't think so. What? Are we?
No. No, not exactly.
Pillaging booty is a well-known part of the war experience.
Consensual pillaging, yeah? Well, they're foreign,
so it's hard to know what they're saying.
Don't worry about it. It's a grey area.
It's quite dark grey, though, innit?
Booty! Uh-huh.
Little tip from the top, I apply oil to my lips to keep them lubed.
Aurelius, where've you been? Why weren't you at training?
And what's with the curly sword? It's my big bugle, if you must know.
Top brass saw I had music skills on my forms
and transferred me to the Empire Band.
The band? What, do you still have to do soldiering, or what?
No. We just play tunes at the back.
Which is a shame cos I'm also an excellent archer.
But hey-ho.
Can we get transferred to the Empire Band?
I doubt it.
You need at least grade five in a wind instrument.
And, no, your bottom doesn't count.
THEY LAUGH
Come on, band of brothers, let's leave these losers behind.
I'll catch you guys in a bit. Hey, where you going?
We're trying out defensive manoeuvres.
Yeah. Yeah, so am I.
Hello there. I'm here to see the senior officer.
I've just arrived from Rome. Oh, yes, of course.
The General's just through there. Through here? Uh-huh.
In you go, then. He's here, sir!
General Diomedes, sir. Ah-ha, and about time too.
Where do you want me, on the couch, the desk?
Er, wherever you like.
It was just to ask about the possibility of, er...
I can't tell you how desperately I've needed someone with expertise.
Come on, then, hop to it.
My neck and shoulders are in absolute knots.
Chop, chop! Right. Yes. Yeah.
Ah.
Senator Macrobius was singing your praises.
Said you had the magic touch. That's... kind of him?
Hence why I had you sent from Rome.
The doctors they have here are weird with weird smelly hands.
Don't hold back. Really get in there, nice and deep.
Ah, yes, that's it. Is it?
I mean... yes, I know it is.
Am I knotty? I imagine I'm knotty. Extremely knotty.
Have you been doing anything stressful recently?
Yes, I'm the General of the Roman Army during a military campaign.
And that explains it. Ah.
You know what? I think you need me in here with you full time.
CLICK What was that? Was that a click?
Yes, it was. But it was a good click.
I clicked it on purpose. Well, it didn't feel like a good click.
Well, which one of us is the expert? Excuse me, sir.
Sorry to interrupt. What is it, Corporal? I'm busy.
The masseur has just arrived from Rome. Yes, I know, evidently.
Ah, no.
This is my masseur? Ergo, this is not my masseur?
Who the fuck are you, please? Marcus Gallo. Hi.
I'm a legionary in the Second. I came to request a transfer, but...
You started massaging me? I did, yes.
It just felt like the right thing to do.
You clicked my neck, you fool. Sorry about that.
Even so, I do think I'd be better in a non-combat role, all the same.
Why did you let him in here, Thaddeus?
I thought... Well, exactly. You should give me HIS job.
I would never have let me in here. No way. Get out!
Yes, sir. Now!
Oh, you missed a good one today, Marcus.
Yeah. Gordian taught us this formation called the tortoise.
Does it involve moving very slowly and living to a ripe old age?
Cos that sounds ideal.
Hey, I know you from somewhere. Where do I know you from?
No. No, I'm a stranger.
Hey, Virgil, how do I know this guy?
The Crown And Toga, in Rome. Wouldn't serve you free drinks.
Thank you, Grumio (!)
LAUGHS Yes, that's how I know him.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The shirty barman.
What are you doing here? You weren't a huge fan of the army, as I recall.
Yes. Well, I needed a new vocation after my workplace
was mysteriously trashed. Oh, was it really?
That's a shame. Shame. THEY LAUGH
Well, the military is no place for a little puss boy like you.
You'll be cacking your panties when those barbarians show up.
No, I won't, won't be doing that. BLOWS RASPBERRY
I'll be repelling them, if anything. Yeah, with the smell of your pants.
MIMICS THEIR LAUGH No. With my acts of valour.
Because, for your information, I'm thriving here.
I'm really impressing and wowing people, actually.
Legionary Gallo, I know you missed training today and I know why,
you filthy little bitch.
Muster up the unit by the tents in one hour.
Yes, sir. One hour, fuck knuckle.
He seemed impressed, didn't he? Oh, yeah. He was well impressed.
SHRIEKING LAUGHTER
This afternoon, it was brought to my attention
that a member of our unit stole into the General's quarters
and assaulted his naked body. Assaulted's a bit strong.
Accordingly, there will be a punishment for the entire unit.
ALL GROAN So, we shall be doing a dawn patrol.
Paying a friendly visit to some local villages,
making our presence felt.
I'll make them feel MY presence, all right.
Well, yeah, ask them to. Not make 'em.
Grumio, I am promoting you to Legionary First Class
in recognition of your progress.
You will carry the eagle on patrol. Can you handle that?
Will it peck me, sir? It's made of solid gold.
Then I can handle it, sir. Good.
I suggest we all get some sleep. We're up at first light.
OK. What are you doing? What are you on about?
What? Obeying orders? Being... good? What are you up to?
Nothing. He's my commanding officer. He outranks me.
So do I. I'm literally your master and you have never done a thing
I've asked you to, let alone call me "sir".
Odd that, in't it? Maybe it's just a question of respect.
If anything, you should be calling me sir now.
OK. Just remember who the boss is here.
Probably the lad with the solid gold eagle.
Hey.
# We're going to a village We'll have a little pillage
# I need to do my duty Let's go and grab some booty
# Before we stick it in Let's get their permission. #
Well, no booty for me, thanks, guys.
I've-I've got a sweetheart waiting for me back home.
Ah, that's nice. Yep. I keep a picture in my pocket
so I can see her every day until we're reunited.
Can you not do that, please? Marcus is a bit unlucky in love.
It's just, it's making me a bit uncomfortable.
We're getting married when I'm back. It just feels like tempting fate.
There will be a big party and you'll all be invited.
Oh, wicked, cheers! It'll be the happiest day of my life.
Shut up, please! Sorry, dude. No offence!
Chill out, dude! He's just wanging on about his sweetheart.
RUSTLING
Sir, there's something in t'trees.
Oh, and by the way, sir, I absolutely love my new hat. Shh!
MEN SHOUTING
SHOUTING GETTING LOUDER
AXE WHOOSHES
It's an ambush!
Testudo, move up! Testudo! Testudo!
What? What does that mean? Tortoise formation!
That was the one I missed! Just get under your shield!
Fuck, I don't like it.
I don't like it!
Oh, my fucking God!
Fuck me!
Get off me!
Let's get out of here!
I don't think that's really allowed, is it? Who cares?!
OK. Fair enough. Let's go.
Grumio?
The barbarians have definitely gone home.
Yeah, for now. Go on, then.
Grumio. Grumio, mate.
Oh, sorry! Sorry, mate. Who are you saying sorry to?
The dead guys. I keep stepping on them.
Sorry, sir.
Grumio.
Have you found him? No, it's just someone else with a shit haircut.
Grumio? Grumio, mate. Grumio.
Marcus!
Oh, Grumio. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Grumio.
Grumio. No.
Grumio, please don't be dead.
Don't be dead, Grumio, don't be dead!
SOBBING: I'm sorry.
Poor, sweet Grumio.
All right, chill out. You're not dead?!
No, I'm playing dead, like I said I would.
Bloody hell, G-man. Thank fuck for that!
Come on, then. Get this big bastard off me.
OK. Let's get out of here.
I'm not loving the vibe.
Sorry.
You were so still. I totally thought you was a goner.
I actually fell asleep for a bit. That barbarian was so cosy.
Yeah, I think Rome's due south, whichever way that is.
OK, cool. I'm on it. Rome?
Who cares about Rome? We're going back to camp.
Are you kidding me? We're not going back to the army ever again.
We swore an oath.
If we don't go back now, we're a bunch of shitty deserters.
Yeah. Well, I think I finally found my ideal role in the army.
You lily-livered bastard.
I'm sorry. Which one of us played dead?
As Legionary First Class, I order you to take me back to camp.
And as your master, I laugh in the face of your orders. Ha!
But it's up to you, Grumio. You can toddle off back to camp
and die in a horrid battle,
or you can head south with me and Jason.
Which is this way, by the way. Is it? Yeah.
How do you know that? Oh, me and my dad used to go camping, right?
We'd always work out the route by the sploshing of the rivers,
the squawking of the geese, like... Oh, yeah.
Over to you, then.
We should get rid of these uniforms, though,
with all these barbarians knocking about.
I prefer not to look like a Roman soldier.
Yeah, good shout. No, me neither.
And nor would General Grumio, it seems.
MUSIC: 'Chase The Devil' by Max Romeo and The Upsetters
# I'm gonna put on a iron shirt And chase Satan out of Earth
# I'm gonna put on a iron shirt
# And chase the devil Out of Earth... #
BIRD CAWS
MIMICS BIRD
# To find another race
# I'm gonna send him to outta space
# To find another race
# Satan is a evilous man
# But him can't chocks it on I-man
# So when I check him My lassing hand
# And if him slip I gaan with him hand
# I'm gonna put on a iron shirt
# And chase Satan out of Earth
# I'm gonna put on a iron shirt... #
They slaughtered every last man in the unit, sir, and took the eagle.
What? They took the eagle? That's outrageous.
And slaughtered every last man in the unit.
Yes, of course, and it's sad.
Excuse me, sir. Sorry to interrupt. Aurelius Leifer, bugle man.
Just to say, there are three men I can't find among the dead, sir.
Names? Marcus Gallo, Jason Brindisi and Grumio Grumio.
You said Gallo? Well, he's the arsehole that buggered my neck.
It's because of that charlatan I can no longer turn my head.
Look at this. I have to wheel around like a bloody weather vane.
He's not in my list of the dead, sir. Nor are the other two.
And yet they've not reported back. Ergo, they must be deserters.
Well, that makes total sense, sir.
They already deserted me as a friend.
Optio? Sir? Alert the tracker.
If anyone can hunt down these deserters,
it's that brooding bastard. Oh, the tracker sounds cool.
Oh, he is... very cool.
Then if I may, sir, I'd like to go too.
You see, I know these guys like my own shadow.
I've worked with them, eaten with them, slept with them.
I've slept NEAR them. I haven't had sex with any of them.
Yes, yes. Very well. You may accompany him.
Help bring these treacherous shits to justice.
You can count on me, sir.
They'll get their just deserts as deserters.
The deserters will get their deserts, sir.
And let's find whichever barbarian pig fucker stole the eagle
and raze their village to the ground.
And our dead soldiers, sir? Yes, of course.
Give them a dignified funeral. But do start with the eagle.
Oh, it's chuffing chilly up north, in't it?
Yeah, on reflection, dumping our uniform wasn't the best idea.
Hold tight, boys. We'll soon feel the Roman sun on our backs.
In the meantime, we could put on these uniforms down by this tree.
Those are our uniforms. Even better, then.
No. Much worse!
It means we've been walking in a massive circle all day.
But I was following the river and water always goes south.
Well, it goes down, yeah. Yeah, exactly. The same thing.
Is down the same as south? No, it isn't.
Yes. What? Is it? Huh?
Sorry, Jason. What exactly did your dad teach you
on these camping trips?
Well, I was on his shoulders most of the time,
so I couldn't always hear what he was saying
and, to be fair, we mainly camped in the garden, so...
OK. So, you never got lost in the garden?
Well, no. That's it. Never.
Right. It feels like it's time for a lunch break.
Let's go and hunt down some scran.
See, my dad would know all about that.
Well, I wish we'd brought him instead. Yeah, big time.
So tell me, what are they like, these deserters?
It's good to know what I'm dealing with.
Oh, they're... they're mean.
Mean? As in tough?
No. Sorry. Mean as in not very nice.
They're rude, basically. Rude? Huh, now I am scared.
Rude how? Oh, I mean, where do I start?
So, one of them, Marcus, I met while working as a waterman
at Rome's third largest grain supply company.
He and his buddy, Stylax, were constantly calling me names,
sneaking stuff into my jug. Undermining me, basically.
Probably payback because I'd smooched this Breton he fancied.
Not my fault. She couldn't keep her hands off me. She's only human.
Then, when Stylax got squashed by a slab of marble,
I thought Marcus would go easy. But then Jason comes in
and, actually, if anything, things got even worse.
And Jason is...? Another deserter. And total scumbag.
No sooner had I met him, than he's making me hide the corpse
of a well-known restaurant critic.
Then he sabotaged me in the Rome marathon.
Made me eat my own poo. Ruined my career as an escort...
Hold on! You ate your own shit?
Yes, because I'd lost a bet, you see.
But he didn't need to make me go through with it.
This is what I'm talking about. They're mean guys.
And don't even get me started on the little one.
He looks exactly like a mushroom.
He once ate a crab as though it was a pie.
Just picked it up, like it was a pie.
Bit it, hurt his tooth. Of course he did, it's a crab.
Hey, I've found an apple. Sweet. Give it here, then.
No, no, stop! We've got to share it, obviously.
Fine. We'll take bites in turns. No. No, no, Grumio.
You'll eat it all in one. Yeah, we should slice it up evenly.
How? We haven't got a knife? We've got swords.
Oh, yeah, I forgot about these.
Probably should have used it in the ambush.
Oh, well, too late now.
Stab, don't swipe. Don't you start with that.
HORSE WHINNIES WHISPERS: Barbarians, get down.
OK, everyone quiet and still.
APPLE CRUNCHES
What the fuck, Grumio?
I'm starving. I'll take my chances. Stop it! It's too crunchy.
Fine. I'll lick it like a lolly.
Don't do that, it's gross.
OK. All right, I think they're going.
No thanks to this greedy goon.
Oi, look at the size of that bite. That's well out of order.
Oh, good! So it's anarchy now, is it?
I wondered how long it would take.
He posed as a child to win a school boxing competition.
He fingered a lion.
He killed, genuinely killed, a renowned theatre director.
He took a baby from the bins. Shut the fuck up a second. Whoa.
What, what, what is it?
Apple core.
Only just starting to brown.
They were here not long ago. What? How do you know it was them?
These are strong Roman tooth marks.
Dentistry's not so good around here. Wow!
This is cool. You, sir, are very cool.
And, you know, it is so nice to hang out with someone
as intelligent as I am.
Honestly, those thicko losers could be so annoying.
We're not hanging out. You're just tagging along.
In silence from now on.
If it was up to me, I'd be working alone, OK?
But I haven't even told you about the time Marcus's dad
stabbed me in the shoulder. And I'll stab you in the fucking neck
if I have to hear another one of your idiotic stories.
Understand me, beardy boy?
Beardy MAN.
Stupid midges. They don't know who they're up against.
I've actually decided not to light a fire,
cos it might alert the enemy to our location.
And also cos you can't? And that, yeah.
Oh, God, this is a new low.
This is really not where I thought I'd be on the brink of turning 30.
Oh, come on, it's not so bad.
If you forget about the whole war thing
and the fact that we're totally lost, it's great.
The three of us, bro-ing down, having a giggle,
surrounded by nature. I guess it is pretty peaceful here.
Oh! For fuck's sake, Grumio.
You were surrounded by nature.
Well, I'm knackered. I'm gonna crash.
OK. But we need someone on guard duty at all times.
We sleep in shifts, OK?
Whatever happens, one of us has to be awake.
Right you are. No probs.
BUGLE PLAYS
Wakey-wakey, dirt bags. That was your morning bugle.
Look at you three, spooning away. It's quite sweet, actually.
Aurelius, what are you doing here?
Please say you're not still following us.
Well, I am, yes. But officially this time.
I'm a tracker, and we're the tracking team.
No, we're not. We're not a team, and he's not a tracker in any way.
But I am. And I'm here to arrest you for desertion.
You're to be taken back to camp where you'll be crucified.
Best go quietly now.
Morning. Oh, what have I missed?
I can't believe you're getting us executed, you knob.
I'm not a knob, actually,
because I didn't know that was the punishment.
I thought it would just be a ticking off or a light flogging.
It still makes you a knob. Yeah, a complete knob.
Stop whining!
If you don't want to die, don't desert.
It's as simple as that. Great advice (!)
We'll bear that in mind for next time, shall we?
I didn't desert, by the way.
I were forced into it by my master here.
Ha! OK, so as soon as there's a price to pay, I'm in charge, am I?
I were basically kidnapped. Of course.
And are you gonna mention playing dead?
Didn't force you into that, did I? I fell asleep.
It's not my fault them barbarians wear such cosy clobber.
Shut up, or I'm very happy to bring the execution forward a few hours.
MUSIC: 'You Don't Love Me' by Dawn Penn
# No, no, no
# You don't love me And I know now
# No, no, no
# You don't love me Yes, I know now. #
So, it's grilled badger for lunch.
What? Badger? I'm not eating that. I'll have his, then.
I'd eat a badger's tadger right now, I'm so hungry.
You're so weird.
Wait, Aurelius!
Relio. Relio Delio. I'm not gonna help you escape.
Please. We're gonna die. We're all gonna die eventually.
Don't be a dick. Just set us free.
No way! I'll get in big troubs.
Not if you come with us. It'll be an adventure.
The deserter dudes. Best bros forever!
Hm! We weren't exactly best bros when I wanted to share your tent,
as I recall.
Well, yeah, but we couldn't share with you
cos what if we wanted to bring girls back?
I could have scooched over. No!
They wouldn't be interested in us if you were there. Think about it.
But the truth is, it's not easy being mates with you, dude.
Like, having this buff, brainy legend around all the time,
making us feel like losers.
You can't blame us for wanting to step out of your shadow sometimes.
It's cold in there, right, guys?
I mean... Completely. ..sure, whatever.
God, you must think I'm such a fool,
not seeing how insecure I was making you feel.
Maybe I am buff and brainy, sure, but I'm also blind and a bad friend.
Well, never again, guys. You have my word. Best bros forever.
Fuck me, what a bellend.
Oh, can we do this after we've had the badger?
OK, shit! I think he's on to us. What's going on over there?
No, no, nothing. All good.
Run!
Shit!
CLICKS TONGUE This way.
Argh!
HORSE WHINNIES
Come on!
Argh!
Hey, hey!
Argh! Fucking nettles!
Argh!
Argh! Oh!
Shit!
Come on, boys, don't be stupid now.
Let's be stupid.
No! Aaaargh!
No!
Stop!
Aaaaargh!
You won't get away!
Wherever you run, wherever you hide, no matter how long it takes,
the shadow of justice will haunt you until...
Oh, fuck it, they've gone.
PANTING AND GASPING
We lost him!
Ha! We bloody lost him, the dickhead!
And, weirdly, I don't appear to be dead.
Bonus! Ha!
Guys, I actually got hit. Did you? Where?
Whoa!
What is it? Is it bad? Not ideal!
You've got an arrow in your arse! Argh, argh, argh!
Well, pull it out, then! Oh, God, really?
I mean, OK.
Don't pick your nose, Grumio. I'm hungry.
Well, that's even worse.
Aurelius, where's the key to these chains?
Maybe in my man bag,
if it didn't fall out in the kerfuffle.
All right, here we go. Brace yourself, yeah?
OK, great. No keys. But there is a soggy map.
Is there? OK, it's coming!
It's coming!
SNAP Ooh!
Is it out, then? Er...
Yeah. Like, most of it. Most of it? What do you mean?
Argh! Argh!
You just pulled out the shaft and left the head inside my arse!
Ooh-er. Ha! It's not funny, actually!
I won't get very far with a skewered buttock.
Luckily, you might not have to, cos if this is that river,
then we're only, like, a day's walk from the Roman border.
Ah, nice! See, all rivers do lead south.
On this occasion, yes, they do. Right. Let's crack on.
Ow, ow! Rome, here we come.
Oh, God! Erm, can we crack on quite slowly, please?
MUSIC: 'Sun Is Shining (Dub Version)' by Bob Marley
# The weather is sweet, yeah... #
Ah! Ah!
Ah! Oh!
# To the rescue. #
Oh, Jove, I can't feel my bum. Could you feel it before?
Erm, not sure, actually.
Stop going on about your numb bum, you drama queen. You're fine.
Argh! No, no, no. Come on, mate, we need to keep moving.
I can't do it. I can't go on. OK, cool.
We'll leave him here, cos he's dead weight, in't he?
That is not an awful idea, actually. What? No way!
You can't leave me. We're a team. The deserter dudes.
Hey, I didn't desert, I fell asleep.
Best bros forever, you said.
Yeah, that's when we needed your help.
A fair amount's changed since then.
You can't leave me here to be feasted upon by bears and ants!
He's got a point, hasn't he? Cos we could always eat him.
Do not eat me!
For one thing, I'd be very tough,
sinewy meat owing to my high muscle-to-fat ratio.
Look, why don't Grumio and I go for help
while you stay with Aurelius?
Holy Jove, why have you forsaken me?!
Right. Or I go for help and you two stay with him.
I'm not staying here with that twat. What are you talking about?
Just coming up with a plan, bro! OK, right.
Let's do papyrus, scissors, stone, and the loser has to stay.
You don't need to play, we come as a two.
I'll play for us, then. Scissors always wins.
And that fundamental misunderstanding of the game
is exactly why I'll be playing for us.
I think I'm dying, guys.
Right, here we go. BOTH: Papyrus, scissors, stone.
Scissors! Ha! Bash, bash, bash. Never listen to Grumio, you moron.
Hang in there, Aurelius. Jason will look after you. OK.
Jason, will you sing to me, please, bud?
Don't be long, all right?
Jason? Yeah, I'm coming.
I mean, can humans eat plants?
What? Yeah, of course they can.
Oh, fine then.
Not ANY plants. I meant spinach, for example.
You can't just eat that!
The old nature, you confusing bastard.
Can we keep going, please, and not get distracted?
Shit! It's a chicken.
What? Where? There.
Right, I'm having you, lad.
And then what? We can't cook it. I'll have it raw, then.
I only joined the army for the free chicken anyway.
We're meant to be getting help.
Do not come between me and a chicken, Marcus, I am warning you.
Oh, go on, then. Be quick.
One quick grabaroo and it is teatime-for-me-time.
Make that two quick grabaroos.
CHICKEN CLUCKS
Right. Well, that's at least 30.
Three more grabaroos and we're giving up, OK?
Fine, just don't rush me.
One.
Two.
Last one, right?
I know. Just shh!
Come on, son. This is the one.
Argh!
Oh, yes!
Ha-ha! I've got it!
Oh, by Jove, you did it!
Yes! Ha!
# I got the chicken I got the chicken
# I got the chicken He got the chicken
# I got... #
SINISTER MUSIC
He got the chicken.
# How happy is the shepherd
# Who settles down to sleep
# Because he is so knackered
# From fucking all the sheep... #
What? No, no, I don't want the rude version.
I only know the rude version.
That's not exactly gonna soothe me, is it? Thinking about bestiality.
How's my bum looking?
Ah!
OK, don't panic. All right, it's probably nothing.
But it's gone a bit green. Green?!
Yeah. How's that nothing?! Bums shouldn't be green.
Oh, it must be infected. What did I say? Don't panic.
The boys will be back in a bit, all right? Shushy bears.
They won't! They've left us!
We're all alone and green.
# He wakes up in the morning... #
Kiss me. Whoa! What?
Please kiss me.
I just want to feel some human tenderness before I die.
No! Right, and not just because I don't want to,
but cos you are not gonna die.
Right, no-one dies from green bums. Of course they do!
Bum rot. I've got bum rot.
Look, tell my family that they were proud of me.
What? Actually, no.
Tell them to never look under my bed.
You tell them yourself when you get back to Rome, OK?
What's under your bed?
Oh, you're a good bud, buddy, but it's too late.
I can feel death's icy grip on my arse.
No. No! No, you don't!
Marcus! Grumio! Come on. Where are you?!
AURELIUS GROANS
Right, come on.
Ooh, what are you doing? Saving your fucking life, boy.
Argh!
Oi, you, Roman scum!
Jog on, you little shite.
At least don't make it worse for ourselves.
Nah, it's just banter.
OK, that's FAIRLY intense banter.
Argh! Just kill me.
Please, just put me out of my misery.
I'd rather not, mate. I'm not even sure I'd know how to.
Just push me off of something tall
or sit on my face to block my airways.
Couldn't I just use my hands?
Yes, you could, actually.
I don't know why I suggested the sitting method.
I think I must be delirious.
Ooh, argh!
Urgh!
I can hear my mother calling me to dinner.
I'm coming, Mummy.
I can smell the wood burning on the stove.
Hang on, so can I.
Look, there!
Huh?
GRUNTING AND PANTING
Oh, oh! Get in! Argh! We're saved!
Well, unless they're Roman-hating savages who want to kill us.
Oh, yeah. Oh, I forgot about that.
OK, you're on your own.
Argh! Good luck.
Argh! You bastard!
WOMAN: Hello? Argh!
Man. There is a man.
He needs help.
Ursula, fetch water.
Cleo, Amara, Xanthe, help me take him inside.
Hi. Sorry, there's actually two men.
I also need help.
Ha. Hi.
Hey! Come off it!
So, first of all, hello.
Or, as you might say, salve.
All right. Hello.
My name is Segimundus.
I am spokesman of the Carpi Council of Elders
and I presume from your uniforms and proximity to our gates
that you are Roman spies sent out to rescue your precious bird, no doubt.
My eagle!
Give me back me eagle at once!
And my chicken an' all, while you're at it.
Grumio, don't. We couldn't care less about the eagle.
We're not even Roman soldiers, really.
No, so what is this, then?
Are you on your way to a fancy dress party, perhaps?
CROWD CHUCKLES
Ha! No, no.
We were soldiers, obviously, but we're not now, is my point.
We deserted, you see. I didn't. I fell asleep.
Yeah, just let me do the talking. We didn't want to join this war.
I did, to give your lot a spanking for invading our empire.
Grumio, just shut up!
There was no invasion. That was fake news.
A pretext for you to steal our bauxite.
Bauxite? What the fuck is bauxite?
I think it's a naturally occurring, I want to say, metal?
It is a sedimentary rock with high aluminium content.
We have a number of large and very valuable quarries
that you people have lusted after for some time now.
That does make sense. I always thought there was
some shady mercenary motive behind all this.
Romans are far sneakier than barbarians, in my opinion.
Ahem! Tut, tut, tut, tut, tut. We do not like the term "barbarian".
It's a reductive label which homogenises an array
of diverse communities and their unique identities.
We call ourselves the Carpi tribe.
Yes, of course. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry for being so insensitive.
Not at all. No, think of this as a teachable moment.
I will. Cross-cultural exchange is fundamental to progress.
We don't learn anything if we live in a bubble. Indeed.
And so that we can share this knowledge with our countrymen,
we'd love to be on our way. Yes, I'm sure you would.
But there's also one little thing you should learn about the Carpi.
It's what we do to our captives.
Oh, aye, yeah. What do you do? Do you take them for a tour?
No, we disembowel them in honour of our great god Zalmoxis.
Oh, shit. Right.
The ceremony will take place tomorrow evening
before the entire village.
CHEERING
AURELIUS GROANS
Apparently, the arrow went very deep
because his bottom is so soft and womanly.
Yeah, totally. Not like mine. My buns are rock hard.
Arrow would have just pinged off, probably.
He may stay until he recovers. Cool.
All right. And what about...? You may not. Yep.
Aside from emergencies, there are no men in the village.
Oh, really? I didn't... I didn't even notice that.
What's that about, then?
Our menfolk all left to fight another tribe some years ago
and never returned.
No! That's... so sad.
HE GROANS It was sad, but we adapted.
We trade spices with our neighbours. We are skilled in combat.
We no longer need men. Come on!
I'm sure you need a bloke sometimes to, like, you know,
open a jar or, like, get something from a higher shelf,
you know, like a jar,
or to put the shelf up to put the jars on.
Amazingly, we handle all jar-related tasks ourselves.
OK.
I guess it's another night in the forest for me, then.
I hope the wolves have had their tea.
We do have one other use for men.
Oh?
Occasionally, we may keep one as a... concubine.
A what? Concubine? What's that, like a hedgehog?
Not quite, no.
Ah! Ah!
I'm Jason, by the way. Silence!
You have no name now.
You are here for sexual congress, Roman, THAT'S all!
OK, cool. I can do that.
Oh, that's better. Thank you.
Now tie them to the post, please, Dromichaetes.
OK, great. Just to be safe.
So that you don't... sneak off.
How is that? Not too tight, I hope.
No, no. You're grand. It's a nice, soft rope, actually.
Yes, it's made from angora wool.
We Carpi are famous for our civilised treatment of prisoners.
Yeah. You ARE disembowelling us.
Yes, BEFORE execution, I mean.
Yes, it's enshrined in our constitution
that we offer our captives
a final meal of their choosing, for example.
Oh, aye? How many courses?
One. One? Call yourselves civilised?
May I take your order? Well, it doesn't really matter, does it?
I'm not gonna get to digest it. Just... give me an egg sandwich.
Is that on white, brown or seeded?
Brown's fine.
I'll take a lobster bisque. Of course you will.
I'm going out in style, son. Very well.
One egg sandwich on brown and one lobster... bisque.
I'll speak to the chef, and you prepare the altar.
Egg sandwich on brown bread for your final meal?
When they open up them bowels,
they should be seeing more than some shitty sandwich.
Unlike you, Grumio, I've got more on my mind than just food right now.
In fact, it was you chasing that chicken
that got us in this fucking mess. You didn't have to come with me.
We were chained together! You dragged me along,
which pretty much sums up our entire relationship.
I know. You've been holding me back for years.
What? Holding you back?! It's not about you, Grumio.
You're MY slave. Don't remind me!
I wish I weren't. I'd have ditched you yonks ago.
And I wish my parents had left you on that bloody hillside. Yeah?
You and me both!
Ordinarily, I would storm off at this point,
but being as I can't, I am going to sit down.
Aw... KIDS LAUGH
Yeah! Roman scum!
LAUGHTER
COCKEREL CROWS
Hi. Hi.
Hi!
Mm. Thank you.
Knock, knock. How's the patient doing?
Much better, thank you.
Really? Are you sure? You still look well peaky.
What? No, I'm ready and raring, mate.
Nah, look, listen. You rest up just a few more days, right?
Don't wanna risk getting another green bum.
But we need to go and find Marcus and Grumio. Our best bros, forever.
Mm, do we, though? I mean, they're probably fine. They're handy guys.
You just don't wanna leave cos we've found a tribe full of women.
But I...
Well, yes. Yeah. Obviously.
But this is, like, our dream situation.
Not really. None of them fancy me. Oh, come on...
One of 'em will. A bit. Maybe.
There's, like, 50 of them.
That's not enough.
The odds are still stacked against me. I need more.
What about the old one? I've not met an old one.
That's cos you've been cooped up in here.
You need to get out there, make an effort.
You are the second hottest guy in this village.
Work it.
Hello again.
So, I talked to the chef, and, er, he can't get you lobster,
because it's Sunday,
and as we are in the heat of July, he likes the seafood to be fresh.
As do I. I'm happy to wait.
Yes, but we are not, I'm afraid.
The sacrifice is this evening, so you have to choose something else.
I've already chosen the bisque.
The chef does an excellent confit duck.
Oh, I don't give a shit, mate.
My lobster bisque is enshrined in your constitution, you said.
Or are you Carpi not civilised after all?
Er, which Sunday in July is it, out of interest?
It is the 21st. Why do you ask?
My birthday's the 22nd. Ah. I'm, er...
gonna be 30 tomorrow.
Oh, many happy returns. Thanks.
But I'm afraid you won't.
The chef has no problem with your egg sandwich,
and you will still be sacrificed this evening.
Come on, mate. He'll have the bisque as well.
He's changed his mind, haven't you? Yes, I have. Thank you.
On reflection, I'd also like to go out in style.
Fine!
You have one more day.
Ha! Bloody hell, I can't believe that worked.
Cheers, Grumio. I guess your lifelong obsession with food
does have its uses after all.
Well, let's just try and give you a birthday to remember.
Oh, incoming! Hm? Argh!
Ha-ha! Missed me!
In your face, fuckhead.
You barbarian bastards! Ha-ha!
BOTH GRUNT IN SATISFACTION
Um...
Now that I've, er, performed my duty, my lady,
do you want me to F off, as per, or...?
No. No?
You can stay this time, Jason.
I wish to hold you for a while.
What, like a cuddle? No, nothing like a cuddle. Just...
a hold. Oh, OK.
Got it.
Did you just call me Jason? Yeah, I did. What of it?
You may call me Barbronelda, if you wish.
OK, sure. Yeah.
Barbro... It's a bit of a mouthful, innit?
It's beautiful, don't get me wrong, but...
what if I shortened it to Barbie? Or Babs?
No, not Barbie. Mm.
But I don't hate Babs.
Give us a cuddle, then, Babs.
Hm!
Ahem.
Back in your corner, Roman!
Yes, boss.
News, my lady, which may concern your concubine.
Whilst selling pepper to the Carpi, we saw two Roman prisoners.
They're being prepared for sacrifice.
What did they look like?
One had a big nose,
and the other resembled a tiny button mushroom.
I actually play the bugle and the lute,
so I'm highly skilled with my fingers and my tongue,
if you know what I'm saying. SHE CHUCKLES
Aurelius! You do?
I love the feathers, by the way... Aurelius!
Come here. Sorry, one second, babe. What?
Marcus and Grumio have been taken prisoner.
Like, we need to bust a move.
I mean, do we, though? What?
Well, they're handy guys. And, you know,
you were right, actually. My bum's still not 100%,
so I should probably just stay here.
Oh, you're getting some heat off the old dear, are you?
Her name's Zena, and yes, I am. Major heat.
I can't leave now.
But, mate, they'll be gutted, right? And I don't just mean disappointed.
I mean, actually gutted. Like, in the guts.
Come on, Aurelius, they need us.
Grr! Cock-blocking, again!
HE SIGHS
Fine. She'd only have humped me and dumped me.
Yeah, definitely. Right, come on, let's get tooled up.
Oh, mate, the beard's got to go.
No can do, bro. It's the source of my strength.
Our secret weapon.
All right. Well, in that case, keep it a secret,
all right? All right.
Good luck, Roman.
Oh, thank you.
And, like, thanks for having me. In every sense.
I'll miss you, Babs.
As will I.
Your enthusiasm for the work was... admirable.
Well, look, it was my pleasure.
It was the best job I've ever had, honestly.
Take care, now.
OK, yeah.
Bye, then.
# Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you
# Happy birthday, Marcu-u-u-u-s
# Happy birthday. # Indeed.
Happy birthday to you,
and also, happy death day to you both.
Ah, ah, ah -
hang on, mate.
Where's the tarragon? You can't have a bisque without tarragon.
That IS savage. He is right. You'll have to kill us tomorrow.
No! No tarragon, no more stalling. You eat, then you die.
Oh, oh...
tarragon or not, this chef has played a blinder. Mmm!
We should probably eat a bit slower, though.
The sooner we finish, the sooner we die, remember?
I'll try, Marcus, but it's so bloody tasty.
You know, even though we are being executed later,
I've had way worse birthdays than this.
Tell me about it. Remember when your parents got you that creepy clown?
How could I not? I sat on his lap for three hours.
GRUMIO LAUGHS
Grumio, please slow down.
Oh, fuck me, this is torture!
Stop!
Hi. Hi. Can we come in, please?
What's in the cart?
Oh, just a bit of pepper, handsome.
We could all use some spice in our lives, eh?
OK, you can go in.
Where the fuck did that come from? I don't know. I have no idea.
Wh-Whoa, hang on. You can't just leave it like that.
That's terrible parking. Mate, we're women.
Think about it. Oh, yes. Clever.
I mean, deeply sexist, but still...
OK, right, we'll have a nosy round, find out where they're holding them,
and then we'll come back for the blades.
Stop!
I want to buy some pepper.
Oh! Yeah, course.
Yeah, so, how much for one sack, please?
Erm, well, how much do you usually pay?
Oh, sometimes six gulden. You know, sometimes seven.
Six gulden is fine. Ah, great.
Oh... Can you girls break a 20?
Er, I'll tell you what, you can have it for free.
We're doing a little promotion. No, really? Yes.
Thank you. Generous and beautiful.
What next? Stop it!
Charmer. Oh, no, no, no. Come here, I'll help.
I can't... No, I can't have a lady hauling a heavy sack for me.
It's fine. You're quite old.
No, no. Really, I insist. Mate, let go!
HE COUGHS
Why is your cart full of swords?
HE SNEEZES
Oh! Guards!
Guards! Aurelius, we're on!
Ah... Hang on a sec, I need to sneeze...
Ah, forget it. HE SNEEZES
Hey, mate, have you got any bread to mop up the dregs?
No. Your meal is over and you will now be sacrificed,
along with these two.
Oh, God, really? All right, boys?
All right, Jase? It's not so bad. You get to choose your last meal.
No, no. That rule was removed from our constitution.
It was, sadly, open to abuse.
What are you doing here? And like that?
Well, we came to save you, didn't we? Ah, wicked. Cheers!
Yes. I mean, we failed, obviously.
Well, it's the thought that counts, in't it?
Hey, it's his 30th birthday, by the way.
Oh, sweet! Well, happy birthday.
Yeah, cheers. Glad you could make it.
# Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you
ALL: # Happy birthday to you. #
CHATTER, LAUGHTER
All right! He did it!
Mighty Zalmoxis,
we humbly offer you this sacrifice today.
CROWD: Yeah!
Which of you would like to go first?
Oh, bloody hell.
I don't much fancy seeing your lot's innards,
but I don't wanna cop it first, neither.
Yeah, sort of lose-lose, really, innit?
I'll do it. I'll go first. I'm the oldest.
You're not, actually. I am. I'm 39.
What? You're 39? Are you?!
Yeah. Why you hanging round with us, then, you creepy old nonce?
I didn't realise you were a fucking adult.
Yeah, because I look late 20s, max. Thank you very much.
Compliment taken. Come on.
It does not matter who goes first. You are all going to die.
Shit! OK, er...
I guess, bye, then. See you in the afterlife, ideally.
And with this heretic Roman's entrails...
..we honour thee!
ARROW WHISTLES
CLAMOUR
Babs?! Who?
VARIOUS BATTLE-CRIES
We are under attack!
Argh! SHOUTS, CLAMOUR
Men to arms!
Argh!
BELL RINGING
Here y'are!
What...? Oh, her name's Barbronelda.
Yeah, we've been hooking up the last couple of days.
Sorry, so while we were held prisoner, you've been busy humping?
Yeah, well, I was a prisoner too. But just, like, a sex one.
Course you were. Nice one, son!
I know! This whole time, I thought I wanted to get some booty,
when actually, I wanna BE the booty.
Wow. How profound (!)
Guys, can we discuss this later, please?
Kill the Romans!
Kill them! Oh, shit!
BARBARIANS ROAR
Argh!
Oh, shit!
Fucking war!
GRUNTING
Babs! Jason!
Thanks for coming to save me.
If anyone's gonna disembowel my concubine, it's going to be me.
Stay at my rear. Always.
THEY YELL
Thank you. Don't mind if I do.
Argh!
Yes, Aurelius! ARROW WHISTLES
Ow! No, ow!
Argh!
Grumio, what are you doing?!
Don't stop now! I want my bloody eagle. Why?!
It's just a lump of metal. Yeah, that them bastards nicked off me.
I'll 'ave it back with a quick grabaroo.
No. No more grabaroos!
Hey, you do you, soft lad. I'm going in.
What? Please, Grumio!
It's not worth it! Just obey me, for once in your life!
Well, I'm going, Grumio. I'll see you outside, OK?
Come on, let's get out of here. What?
Stop! Hand that over at once.
Get to fuck, mate. That eagle is a beacon of hope
for all of us who refuse to bow down to Roman oppression.
It's mine, is what it is.
YELLING
Fuck.
Get back, or I'll bloody beat you!
Oh, my nose!
YELLING
FOOTSTEPS THUD
HE STRAINS
STRANGLED CRY
What...?
Stab, don't swipe!
Oh, yeah.
Argh!
GURGLING
Can we go now?
Yes, please.
RETCHING Oh, not the bisque.
What a waste. Argh!
I can't believe it's happened again.
I know. It's like you're TRYING to get shot in the arse.
I've got three holes back there now.
You could pick me up like a bowling ball.
Well, d'you want me to yank it out?
No, no! Can you ask her to do it, please?
I don't want another green bum situation, thank you.
So, now you're no longer honouring the mighty Zalmoxis
with your entrails, what are your plans for the day?
Er... I guess we need to get back to Rome.
But despite popular wisdom, very few roads seem to lead there.
Ow, God, that stings!
Don't be a baby.
You know, your evil empire is stationed about half a day that way.
Hitch a ride with them. Yeah, that's the thing.
We're not exactly that popular with our evil empire.
Yet.
APPLAUSE Found the eagle. No big deal, lads.
Just bringing it home to Rome.
APPLAUSE
MAN: Well done, boys.
Let us through, fellas. Respect the eagle, please.
You? YOU found the eagle?
Yeah. Ah... You can buy me a drink later to say thanks.
Yeah! Well done, boys!
Jove be praised.
Where on earth was it? The Carpi tribe had taken it, sir.
Just say barbarians. I can't keep up with all the weird names.
We snuck in, we duffed 'em up and we grabbed our big bird there.
Marvellous. Well, jolly good work. I'm absolutely thrilled about this.
You're welcome. Yes.
You shall now be executed.
Not again! What?!
You're deserters. Ergo, you must be crucified.
I mean, I guess that beats disembowelment.
Barely. Come on, we got the bastard eagle back.
Yeah, you should be giving us a medal, if anything.
Also, I'm not sure I've forgiven you
for clicking my neck. Oh, look, mate...
"Mate"? General, sir.
We know that there was no invasion
and this war was waged entirely to get hold of more bauxite.
Did you know about that? About the bauxite?
Yes, of course. Did you?
Well, maybe the Roman people should too.
Oh, the plebs in Rome don't care why wars are waged,
as long as we win them and bring home some funny animals.
That is true. So let's erect the crucifixes and get this over with.
Oh, sorry, sir, I meant to say.
The crosses have all been dismantled and packed onto the wagons.
All right, fine. You're free to go. But I'm discharging the lot of you
the minute we arrive in Rome,
and you must promise never to set foot in the army again.
Yeah, deal. Yeah.
Hang on. Were there not four deserters?
There were, sir. Ergo, one is missing.
Yes, sir.
Jason Brindisi. He died liberating the eagle.
Oh. Well, that's one less mouth to feed on our journey home.
But also very sad.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hiya. Yep.
Hello.
We had a good war, on balance.
Well, it was terrifying and horrible
and waged purely to further the economic interest of the state,
but, yeah, you know, we didn't die.
Like I say, on balance.
Salve, Grumio.
All right, Landlord?
Hey, hey, hey, now we're veterans, we'll probs get our old flat back.
Bagsy Jason's old room, if that's cool with you guys?
Yeah, all right. You're in.
Yes! I'm in!
I'm finally in! HE LAUGHS
Whoo!
Yeah, so sorry to keep you again.
Believe it or not, we got caught in another military parade.
You're over three months late.
And in a military campaign. Yeah.
Right. OK.
Well, in the interim, your slave licence has been approved
and is now ready to sign.
Go on, then.
Do you have a manumission form, in fact?
Why? Do you want that one instead now?
I do, yeah.
Thanks.
What's this green one, then? It's manumission.
As in, freedom.
You are no longer a slave.
You what?
Are you yanking my chain? You're freeing me?
Yeah.
Well, all this licence business is such a bloody faff, isn't it?
And also, when that barbarian was about to cut you in half
and I was home free,
I wasn't coming back for my slave, I was..
..coming back for my brother.
My selfish, lazy, greedy scrotum of a brother.
There is a queue, you realise? Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, yeah.
Now you are a free man,
you can obviously fuck off and never see me again.
Mm-hm. I mean, it's nice to have the option,
but I reckon I'll stick around for a bit.
So... What shall we do now, then?
Well, now that I'm 30,
I should probably focus on settling down,
starting a career, get a mortgage, that sort of thing.
Right, cos I were gonna suggest getting some free chicken.
Yeah, that's much better. All right. Come on.
# I can see clearly Now the rain is gone... #
..great big numbers, like, massive, massive chickens. Oh, yeah?
Erm, Greece, it was.
And there were all these different condiments...
# I can see all obstacles In my way... #
Spicy, spicy. Get me so excited...
# Gone are the dark clouds That had me blind
# It's gonna be a bright Bright
# Bright Bright Sunshiny day
# I think I can make it Now the pain is gone
# All of the bad feelings Have disappeared
# Here is that rainbow I've been praying for... #
HE CHUCKLES Yes!
# It's gonna be a bright Bright
# Bright Bright Sunshiny day
# Look all around There's nothing but blue skies
# Look straight ahead There's nothing but blue skies
# I can see clearly Now the rain is gone
# I can see all obstacles in my way
# Gone are the dark clouds That had me blind
# It's gonna be a bright Bright
# Bright Bright Sunshiny day. #
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