[person 1] You got your keys, right?
- [person 2 stammers] Yeah. Yeah, got them. - [keys jingle]
[line ringing]
[phone ringing]
[grunts]
Hey.
[person 3] Ah, there you are. Thought you might be asleep for a second.
Nope. Still up, as always. [sighs]
How's the, uh, sleep app working?
Well... [sighs] ...I tried it again the other night.
The fella's meant to talk you to sleep, right? But his voice is so sexy,
I started fantasizing about him rescuing me from a burning oil rig.
Which, you know, is great but useless if you're an insomniac.
- [chuckles] - Have you ever tried them?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Hypnotism, acupuncture, none of it works.
I bought a book online
called One Thousand and One Sleep Cures and Remedies. Rubbish.
It's full of crap. Like, wear a hat full of lavender.
Listen to a recording of someone else sleeping.
Only inhale through one nostril.
Sleep on a soft mattress. Sleep on a hard mattress.
Get the soft mattress on top of the hard mattress.
Then sleep on them both.
Pray to a Norse god. Ignore your eyes.
No. All right, look,
I may have made a couple of those up, but, you know.
Sorry, I didn't listen to a word you just said.
Danny, why are you crawling around in the dark?
- You know my neighbor? - What, the pussy person?
- The Cat Man. - You like that?
For some unfathomable reason, he invited me to his cat's birthday party.
Oh, how old is it?
Oh, it's 17. We all chipped in and got it driving lessons.
- [speaks indistinctly] - [grunts]
- [person 2 chuckles] - [sighs]
Anyway... [sighs]
...I had to come up with an excuse for why I couldn't attend,
and in hindsight, I went a little bit overboard.
Why? What'd you tell him?
I was going on a month-long sabbatical staying at every Disneyland in the world.
- Why did you tell him that? - Never been. Always wanted to.
Thought now would be a good time to go.
But you never even go out.
Yeah, I know. There are flaws to my logic.
- And now he thinks I'm away. - [sighs]
He's having the party on my patio. It's been going on for hours.
Right, so is that your plan for the next month?
Every time he's outside, you're just gonna crawl around in the dark?
Yeah. I'm committed now.
And, on the bright side, think of all the money I'll save on light bulbs.
[sighs] Why don't you just pull the curtains?
- I don't have any. - [Cat Man cheering]
And if I get some and I put them up and he sees them, he'll think,
"Where did those curtains come from?" And he'll know I'm in.
So it's like a catch-22.
Hmm. Just a thought.
What are you gonna do about food?
Or is Adam across the hall still doing your shopping for you?
No, I had to make him believe I'm in Disneyland too.
- [sighs] - You know what he's like.
If he knew the truth, he'd spill the beans to the whole building in 30 seconds.
- Yeah. - Look, it's fine.
I feel fine. I feel good. I'm just gonna live off what's in the flat, which is...
A jar of mayonnaise and a variety pack of Frosties.
[person 2 laughs]
Ah. Yeah, I-- I didn't think this through properly, did I?
[chuckles] This is one of those times where being able to go outside
- might be quite useful. - Would it? Thank you.
Well, I can't help it. And now I'm hungry. I'm-- I'm gonna have to order a pizza.
Uh, Cat Man, deliveries.
[groans] Hiding from someone is so complicated.
- I'm gonna risk it. - [laughs]
I'll use it as a dummy run, see if it's possible.
- Cat Man can't stay out there forever. - [chuckles]
Right. One anchovy and pineapple.
Ew, anchovy and pineapple?
Absolutely. On the way. Where are you?
Late-night chemist.
Poppy's chicken pox. [sighs]
She is still scratching herself like a little baboon,
and we've run out of Peridyne.
And on top of that, most of her class has now come down with it.
Parents' WhatsApp has been going nuts all week. I feel terrible.
Why do you feel terrible?
- [child grunts] - [parent] Remember how I said...
- [sighs] Oh. - ...I didn't take Poppy on the school trip
- because of her chicken pox? - What's wrong, Mummy?
Nothing's wrong.
- Yeah, we'll be going in a minute. - [Poppy] Mummy!
I've just gotta make something first.
[slurps] Mmm.
Well, I kind of did.
There. Now you really look like a sheep.
- Baa! - Baa.
There was no way I was gonna bail.
What, and let Zach's bitchy mum get one over on me again?
[Poppy mumbles]
Everything okay there?
Yeah, fine.
It's just how we do it at home.
We had lasagna last night. Total chaos. [chuckles]
I could tell she was getting suspicious, but I totally got away with it. [chuckles]
Hmm.
[sighs] Crafty. And, you know, morally questionable.
Don't you start. Ooh, I saw this ad for some new pills called Snoozers.
Extra strength for proper insomniacs.
I should see if I can get some in here.
No, don't. They don't knock you out.
They just make everything taste like cabbage.
Apart from cabbage, which, you know, already has that slightly cabbage-y taste.
But you know what I'm gonna say, don't you?
No, can we please go one night without having this conversation?
I'm not going with you to a sleep clinic.
Go on.
No. People with clipboards watching me kip?
When I sleep, I don't like an audience.
Also, what if, um, you know--
What if when I'm snoozing...
I-- I touch myself?
I mean, do you touch yourself when you sleep?
I don't know, but judging by how much I do when I'm awake,
I wouldn't be ruling it out.
Anyway, wouldn't, you know, Veggie mind you spending the night with me?
I doubt it. He just thinks of you as one of the girls. You know,
basically a lady.
Does he? Well, that's nice to know.
Oh, hang on. Veggie's calling. I'll call you back.
- [line rings, clicks] - Hi, Veg.
Panic over. She is asleep,
- and I am the best stepdad ever. - [Poppy breathing deeply]
How did you manage that?
Uh, I just read to her.
Oh, well, I tried that. What'd you read?
Oh, well, you know, just, um... [stammers] ...The History of Bricks.
Sorry, what?
The History of Bricks.
- Why are you reading that now? - [chuckles] For Saturday.
- Oh, yeah, the brick thing. - Yeah, you know me.
- Preparation is everything. - [chuckles]
Plus, it's actually really interesting.
Currently learning about the brick Gothic period of the 12th century.
All right. Well, as long as you're happy.
- Please don't leave me. - [chuckles]
Did you get the itchy medicine?
Uh, no. I'm waiting for the pharmacist.
That's fine. I still have seven more chapters to go.
All right. Well, let me know how it ends.
Well, I-- I don't think there's really a story as such--
[stammers] You were joking, weren't you?
Little bit, yeah. Do you want me to bring you something home?
- You could always surprise me. - Hmm.
Okay. Challenge accepted. I'll text you when I'm on my way home.
- Okay. Bye-bye. - All right, bye!
Okay, where were we?
- [phone ringing] - [Danny] All good?
[person 2] Yeah, it's all fine. Oh, knee supports. Perfect.
- I'll get him one of these. - Oh, yeah.
- He's doing a brick-athlon on the weekend. - What's a brick-athlon?
It's like a triathlon. You run, swim and cycle.
But at the end, you have to build a small wall.
Impressive.
Have you been served yet?
No. There's no one behind the counter. Must be out the back.
Well, do yourself a favor. Get their attention. Shout.
No. I hate that. It's rude.
- [door beeps] - [gasps]
[Danny gasps]
- What? - Shut up.
You shut up. I didn't say anything. What are you doing?
[person 2] It's Zach's mum.
[gasps, stammers] Oh.
- Lisa. Hi. - Kate, oh, my God. This is so weird.
Ah.
- Were you hiding from me? - Hiding? God, no.
No, why would I-- [stammers] Why would you th-- No.
Definitely wasn't hiding, no.
Zach has chicken pox.
- [clears throat] Mmm. - Oh, no. Aw--
- How's Poppy, by the way? - Um...
She didn't wanna take that mask off, did she? [chuckles]
No. She wanted her portrayal of the sheep to be as-- as accurate as possible.
- She's so method these days. [chuckling] - [chuckles]
Mm-hmm.
So I take it that bottle of calamine lotion you're holding
is for something else?
Uh... [stammers] ...yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it is. Absolutely. Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
- Well, I should be getting back. - Okay.
Where's the pharmacist?
I don't know. I've just been waiting here.
- Well, have you shouted? - That's a good idea.
- Uh, no, I didn't wanna-- - [shouting] Hello?
Hello?
- [chuckles] - [chuckles]
Well... [chuckles] ...looks like we'll just have to wait it out.
- Mmm. [chuckles] - Together.
[inhales deeply]
- Maybe I can buy this for you? - Why would you offer to do that?
Well, I just think us mums should stick together. You can get the next round.
- [scoffs] Okay. Well... [chuckles] ...thanks. - [grunts]
[grunts, chuckles] Y-Yeah. [breathes sharply]
[Danny] Sorry, ca-- can I talk now?
- [door beeps] - [sighs] I have got to get out of here.
I cannot run into any more parents of children I might have infected.
[chuckles]
Hello? Mr. Pharmacist?
Mrs. Pharmacist?
- Anyone? - Well, how about this?
Take the lotion and leave the money.
I can't do that. I've only got a card.
Well, do you know how to use a card machine?
I do actually. But that just feels all wrong.
- Okay, fine. - Do it.
Fine. [sighs]
Oh. [mumbles]
- Oh, shit. No. Shit. - What?
- Oh, God, no.
- I just charged myself a hundred quid. - What?
Okay, uh, and if I did this?
- Come on then. No! - What?
Just charged myself another hundred quid.
This guy's profits are gonna go through the roof.
Now I have to stay here to wait for a refund.
Danny, this is all your fault.
Come on.
14.99 for Vagisette?
That is daylight robbery.
What is Vagisette? It sounds like a kind of glue.
So why would a woman need a kind of glue for down there, Danny?
I don't know. In case something snaps off. A nubbin or something.
[laughs] A nubbin? [chuckling]
Okay, m-my memory of the female anatomy is a touch cloudy. Thank you.
- So you're not seeing anyone then, yeah? - Course not. [stammers]
The closest I've come in God knows how long
to having intimate contact with another living being was yesterday,
when I ate a pork scratching.
You do have to leave the flat if you actually want to meet someone.
Yeah, well, you know, Chloe was hard to get over.
Well, she was three years ago.
What's the longest you've been single for?
Mmm, I would say five-and-a-half weeks.
Congratulations. What can I say? I'm pathetic.
- I'm not judging you. - Yes, you are.
- [chuckles] Yeah, I am a little bit. - [chuckles]
[laughs] Ooh, you know what?
I am gonna sign you up for this dating app.
[chuckles] Very good.
That's not happening at all. Not on my watch.
- Mmm. It is. - Nope.
- [scooter beeping] - Hang on.
Here we go. Pizza's here.
[cats meowing]
Oh, yes.
[intercom rings]
Hey. Just come in and leave the pizza by Flat 8. I'll buzz you in.
Oh, I'm not allowed to come inside. You have to come out.
What do you mean? You guys always come inside.
The rule's changed. You need to come outside so I can take a picture.
- Why do you need to take a picture? - To prove I've delivered the pizza.
[sighs] Do I have to be eating it, holding a copy of today's newspaper as well?
[stammers] Look, mate, please.
- It's only my second day. - Can I help you?
Shit.
U-Um, I'm just delivering a pizza to Flat 8.
Oh, you must have the wrong address.
The gentleman living in Flat 8 has gone to Disneyland.
But I was just talking to him.
[intercom rings]
[sighs]
See? Disneyland.
[sighs]
[intercom beeps]
Adam Fothergill.
Hi. I don't suppose you've ordered a pizza?
No, I never order takeaways. Too many junk calories. What kind is it?
Anchovy and pineapple. That is a Danny special.
But Danny's in Disneyland.
Oh... [stammers] ...right.
Happy to help, mate.
[whispers] Disneyland?
[sighs]
- [intercom rings] - Hi.
Hello. [stammers] Can I ask you a question?
Sure.
Are you in Disneyland?
Not right now, no.
I didn't think you was.
You're coming out to get your pizza, yeah?
[stammers]
Yeah. [stammers] Yeah. I'll be-- I'll be right there.
[breathing shakily]
[breathing deeply]
[people chattering]
[breathing shakily]
[sighs]
Why are you still here?
Um, the bloke from Flat 8, he's here. He's not at Disneyland. Look.
- [intercom beeps] - Hello?
- [breathes heavily] - [intercom rings]
[pizza delivery person] Hello?
- [sighs, breathing deeply] - Hello? Mate?
[sighs]
Do you want this?
Ooh, thank you.
Um... [stammers]
...it's my cat's birthday party, if you're interested.
- Mm-hmm. Um... - [chuckles] I've made a flan.
[stammers] I would, but, um... [sighs] ...w-work.
[stammers] Suit yourself.
- Come on, Angela. - [Angela purrs]
[breathes heavily]
I was so close.
What's your date of birth? The third of the ninth, isn't it?
Yeah. Why? What are you doing?
I told you. I'm setting up your dating profile.
No, you're not. No, no, no, no, no. Don't, don't.
I thought you were joking. Haven't you got to buy drugs for an itchy kid?
Look, I'm sure the chemist won't be long, and until then we're gonna do this.
I don't want to. Why are you making me?
Because, Daniel, you're my friend and I don't want you to die alone.
Trust me, this site is great. Me and Veggie met on it.
He was the first person I rated compatible with.
How compatible?
Well, the percentage isn't important, is it?
No, go on. How compatible?
- Fifty-two percent. - [laughs]
I reckon I'd be 52% compatible with Veggie.
Name. Daniel Gibson.
- Occupation? - Mm-hmm.
What is your occupation?
Internet person? Oh, journalist.
That's right. Do you wanna know what hard-hitting,
Pulitzer Prize-winning stories I'm working on?
Mmm?
"Twelve Ways to Know Your Dog's Depressed"...
Mmm.
...and "Ten Things They Haven't Told You about Vinegar."
- What haven't they told us? - I don't know. I haven't made them up yet.
[chuckles]
Okay. First question. "Do you desire sexual activity?"
Yeah, a little bit.
You know, if they're-- [stammers] It's like-- It's an offer.
I imagine you do after three years.
[chuckles] Okay.
"How important is your partner's physical appearance?
Not at all important, somewhat important, very important?"
Not important at all.
Not important. No, no, no, no, no. Not at all.
Maybe a tiny bit. It's probably a little bit more important than that.
Maybe a sliver a bit more important than I just said.
Really depends, the way you look at it, 'cause--
- Shall I just put very important? - Yes, please.
Okay. Next.
"Do you have any hidden talents?" I'll just put a no there.
- Don't put a no there. Put a yes there... - Have you?
- ...and make it bold... - Mmm.
...because I do have talents.
- Do you? Like what? - I can play the keyboard.
- No, you can't. - Yes, I can.
Don't laugh. I can. Don't laugh, 'cause I can. Yeah, I was in a band.
Stop it.
The Cuties.
[chuckles]
What were we? We were kind of Radiohead meets the Backstreet Boys.
[band playing]
[Danny] I was quite flamboyant actually.
I performed with a candelabra over the head.
Whoo, whoo.
So how come you didn't become a rock god then?
All fell apart. [stammers] Broke up after a couple months.
Why?
I set fire to the drummer.
- [Danny] Wait, wait, wait. Jeff! - [shouting]
I'm sorry!
[laughs]
How's the Cat Man situation?
He's still out there.
You know you're supposed to be sharing that with Dame Judy.
I think he's feeding my pizza to the cats.
[Cat Man] You wanna go over there? Huh? Okay.
- Now. - What are you doing now?
Well, I ordered another pizza about 20 minutes ago.
What? You ordered another one?
Yeah. I've been watching, and around every half hour or so,
Cat Man does a circuit of the building.
Takes him approximately four and a half minutes to return.
That's four and a half Cat Man-free minutes.
Also, it took 28 minutes for the first pizza to be delivered.
I've timed the last order to coincide with Cat Man's latest wander.
If my calculations are correct...
- [intercom rings] - Very good.
How about that?
Hey. Go to the last window on the left-hand side of the building.
You're not gonna muck me about again, are you?
No, no, no. It's all good. Trust me.
[grunts] No, no, no, no. Shit. Not again.
[grunts]
Hey. Hey. Psst, psst, psst. Here. Here.
Don't work, but we'll pass it through. Come on.
[pizza delivery person sighs]
- Wait, um-- [stammers] - It'll fit. It'll fit. Come on.
It's not gonna fit.
Okay. We have two minutes until the man with the cat comes back.
You're gonna have to slide it through slice by slice.
- Oh. I don't know. - What do you mean you don't know?
I mean, this is getting kind of weird. This isn't like a fetish, is it?
No, I'm-- No. I'm hungry. It'll only take a minute.
I'll give you a 20 quid tip.
- [exhales shakily] Okay. Money first. - Yeah. Money first.
So...
Come on.
- You ready? - Yeah.
Open wide. [sighs]
I don't want you to feed me. I just want you to pass it through.
Oh. Okay.
[speaks indistinctly]
Great. This is good. Keep them coming.
You're good.
- [rattling] - Wait. Don't move.
- [cat meows] - Do you hear that?
Hear what?
Okay, continue. Come on. Let's pick up the pace.
- That's right. - [breathes deeply]
It's stuck.
Okay.
- Last one. - Yeah. [sighs] Thank you.
I've got to get that picture now.
- What are you doing? - [breathing shakily]
The party's back this way.
[Danny] You've officially been waiting a stupidly long time.
[groans]
I'm sure they won't be much longer, but let's just crack on.
Okay.
"How well does the following word describe you?
Sexy. Not at all, somewhat or very well?"
I'd have to say somewhat sexy.
[chuckles]
What?
No, nothing.
I just didn't know you thought so highly of yourself. [chuckles]
Yeah. Well, I didn't say very sexy, did I?
I said somewhat sexy. Like, I'm mildly sexy.
If I'm lucky and I don't feel bloated.
- [chuckles] - How would you describe me?
I don't know. Sometimes you come across a bit like, um--
Like a kindly milkman.
- Put that then. - Okay. Last question.
"How skilled are you at the following?
Creating romance in a relationship.
Not at all skilled, somewhat skilled or very skilled?"
I have my moments, I suppose.
Really? I can't imagine you being romantic.
Yeah. Course you can't, because I'm Danny the kindly milkman.
[chuckles] Well, go on then. When was the last time you were romantic?
- You remember Chloe? - Yes. I remember Chloe.
Okay. On our first date, I hired a canalboat.
Covered the whole thing in fairy lights.
We sailed down the Regent's Canal watching the sunset,
drinking the cheapest champagne imaginable.
Mainly 'cause I-- I couldn't afford much else
after hiring the boat, to be honest. [chuckles]
But, yeah, it didn't matter.
We didn't care.
We listened to a playlist of romantic songs, and we just talked.
And we laughed.
And then we stopped.
And then from there, we watched a firework display
that was happening in the park.
Huddled under some blankets.
Is that any good?
Yeah. That's pretty good. [stammers]
- A bit tacky. [inhales sharply] - [cell phone chimes]
Oh, it's Veggie. Oh, no. She's awake and asking for me.
I mean, that's a first. She usually just wants Peppa Pig.
Right, what am I doing? I've got to get out of here.
At last. Hallelujah. Go.
Okay, Mr. Pharmacist, I'm coming in.
What are you doing?
I'm not leaving here without Peridyne.
This is quite exciting. It's like Mission: Impossible or something.
Yeah, it is. I feel all tingly. I can see why criminals do it, actually.
[breathing heavily] Okay.
Now what are you doing?
Well, if I can't get a refund, I'm gonna get my 200 quid's worth.
[sighs]
[entrance bell chimes]
Oh, my God.
[coughs]
- Hello. - I'm not stealing.
- What? - What?
I'm here to pick up a prescription. Mrs. Anne Cooper.
What?
I'm here for a prescription. Mrs. Anne Cooper.
[stammers] Uh, what was the name?
Mrs. Anne Cooper.
Bear with me. [chuckles]
You okay?
Yeah. Just trying to remember where I put the prescriptions.
Are they not in one of the blue prescription boxes?
Seems like a good place to start, doesn't it? [chuckles]
- Here you go. [chuckles] - How much?
Oh. Uh, that's 9.35, please.
- No. Can't use the card machine. - Why not?
Because I'm stupid.
- Do you have any cash? - [groans]
[sighs]
- This is not my prescription. - [inhales sharply]
It's for Mr. Garfield Sununu.
[sighs] Are you not him?
No.
- What was the name? - [Anne, Danny] Anne Cooper.
Just a sec.
[sighs]
[indistinct radio chatter]
They said he'd been dead for about three hours.
I should finish giving my statement to the police.
I just feel so guilty.
Oh, come on. The paramedics said he had a cardiac arrest.
He died almost instantly. He didn't suffer.
It's just so sad, going like that, all alone
- in the back. - You're kidding me, aren't you?
Face down in a pile of drugs, that's how I'd like to go.
I'd prefer something stronger than baby laxatives.
[chuckles]
You gonna be okay?
Yeah. Of course. You know me.
Yeah, I do. That's why I asked.
There's only room for one morbid, miserable twat in this relationship--
friendship.
And, uh, you know, I've pretty much got that position sewn up, so...
Noted. Thank you.
Anyway, look... [sighs]
...it's probably time I stop annoying you for another night. Um--
Oh, no. You can't go yet. We haven't finished setting up your dating profile.
Oh, yeah. Well, no, we don't-- we don't need to do that now.
- We can do it-- - Yeah. No. Let's do it.
It'll only take a few seconds,
and then it'll start throwing up matches immediately.
Ready?
- Done. - [app ringing]
Right. And... [stammers] ...so with these matches, now, what do I d--
Do you have to e-mail them or something, see if they wanna go for scones and stuff?
I mean, yeah. You-- You're gonna have to leave the flat eventually.
Hmm.
Oh. You've got a match.
Ninety-one percent compatibility.
Really? Okay. Well, uh, what's she like?
She is...
Oh, I'm still on...
- Oh. - Well?
[Lisa] Uh...
Uh, yeah. No. Sorry. Um, it's just a-- just a glitch. No matches yet.
[sighing] Phew. Good. That's good.
Um, I-- I should probably, uh, let Veggie know what I'm doing.
Yeah, of course. Same time next time?
Yes. Same time. Try and sleep. [chuckles]
All right. Good night, you maniac.
All right. Night. [chuckles]
[cell phone chimes]
[breathes deeply, grunts]
Oh, at last. Thank you.
How was Disneyland?
["I Guess I Should Go To Sleep" playing]
Uh...