- [Lisa] Thank you. Good night. - [customer] Night.
- [Lisa sighs] At last. - [phone chimes]
[inhales sharply]
[sighs]
Um... [sighs]
[breathes deeply]
[sighs]
Yes, I am sure.
- You sure about what? - Oh, nothing. [chuckles]
- Thanks for coming at such short notice. - Oh.
- I know you don't usually work nights. - That's all right.
Um, Alonso has saved some chocolate gâteau for Poppy.
- Yes, lovely. - [laughs]
Oh, Alonso. Thank you. That's amazing. She's gonna love that.
Ah, well, then marry me. I cook, you eat. We're perfect for each other.
[chuckles] That is, um-- That's an interesting offer.
I'll just, um, discuss that with your wife, will I?
- Oh. - Oh, just take him. He's yours.
Word of warning, he's got a very hairy back.
- Really? [laughs] - [laughs] You not staying for drinks?
I can't. I've gotta go and drop something off, but thanks.
See you later, all right?
- All right. Night, Lisa. - Night. Thanks.
- [line ringing] - [Alonso speaking indistinctly]
Yeah. [inhales deeply]
All right.
Oh, I hate it when I miss her bedtime. Was she okay?
Yeah. She passed out pretty much straightaway.
She was a bit upset though?
Nah, she was fine.
Could you at least lie and pretend that she did?
[chuckles] Right. [stammers] Sorry.
Yeah, no, now-- now that you mention it, no, she was a little bit--
Too late. Okay, look,
I'll be home soon. I've gotta drop something at Aunt Em's before tomorrow.
- What, now? - [pants] Yeah.
[sighs] Sorry, I don't really have a choice.
Um, but just, seriously, go to sleep.
- Yeah. Oh, okay then. - Thanks.
Um, it's just that I've just finished my new video, yeah.
I was hoping to show it to you before I uploaded it to the channel.
Oh, uh... [sighs] ...really?
Yeah. You know, I could always send it over.
You know, you could watch it on the bus.
Uh... [sighs] ...yeah. Yeah, that would be great.
Um, I better go, but look, I'll be home before you know it.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Night. - Night.
[pedestrian] Wait, wait, wait! Hang on!
[groans] For fu--
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Hello, Vedge-fans, and welcome back to another edition of
Unboxing for Unboxers.
Today, I'll be reviewing a product that every unboxer needs
if you wanna be taken seriously,
- the Sharptooth Box Blade 32AA box cutter. - [speaking indistinctly, laughing]
Not to be confused with the Sharptooth Box Blade 32.
I mean, it is the crème de la crème of box cutters.
- Man, don't even-- [chuckles] - Fascinating. [chuckles]
- Okay, so let's talk specifics. - [rider] Oh, my gosh.
- The sleek, ergonomic... - Idiots.
- Bailey, did you hear what he said? - [giggling]
- What you talking about? - ...and it also creates grip, okay?
Secondly, let's talk about ceramic coating.
- Hey! - Hello.
- Okay, spill it. - What?
You've obviously got something you wanna tell me. So, out with it.
How did you get all that from just "hello"?
[chuckles] 'Cause I'm fluent in Danny.
Are you on a bus?
Uh, yeah.
At half 11:00?
- It's kind of a long story. - Well, I'm not going anywhere.
Well, basically, my Aunt Em died recently.
- Oh, God. I'm so sorry. - Yeah.
- Were you close? - Yeah, we were actually.
- [Young Lisa] Give me my shoe. - [Bully 1] No.
[Lisa] I wasn't always the most popular girl at school.
- Missed again. - Can I have it?
- Just catch the thing. - [Young Lisa] Stop!
- If you want it, take it. - [bully 1] Yes.
[bully 2] No need to cry about it.
[doorbell rings]
Lisa, whatever's the matter?
[Lisa] But she was always there for me.
Glacier movements happen by the process of abrasion, plucking and...
- Anyone else? Uh-- - [door opens]
[teacher] Can I help you?
I wouldn't have thought so.
Which one of you is Melanie Bent?
Right.
[Lisa] I mean, her methods could be a little bit unorthodox.
[Melanie] Get off. What're you doing?
- You're lucky I'm a pacifist. - [Melanie] Get off!
[Lisa] But she was a hero to me.
And so generous.
Like, for my graduation, she lent me her favorite dress.
This green satin one.
Oh, I loved that dress.
But then I maybe sort of forgot to give it back. [chuckles]
- You stole it? - Little bit, yeah.
[rider] No way. I'm not having that. No way.
It wasn't my fault. I was really forgetful when I was younger.
Right. So w-what's that got to do with you being on a bus?
Okay, well, apparently Aunt Em left strict instructions
as to what she wanted to be buried in.
- A coffin? - Obviously a coffin.
I mean, she wanted to be buried wearing the dress.
- And the funeral's this week. - So what are you gonna do?
- The right thing. - Yeah? You're gonna come clean?
- No. - No.
No, I've got the dress with me now.
I'm taking it to Aunt Em's house.
I'm gonna hide it, but hide it really, really badly.
And then tomorrow, they'll find it,
and then everyone will live happily ever after.
Except Aunt Em, obviously.
Yeah. Oh, what were you gonna tell me earlier?
[stammers] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um, you remember that dating app that you signed me up for?
Uh, oh, yeah. Yeah.
Well, I got a match.
Really?
Yes, really. Can you not sound so surprised?
- Well, uh, what's her name? - Amy.
Oh, okay. Well, that's great news.
Yeah, it's good. But... [stammers] ...what happens next?
You just send her a message and say, "Hey."
No, I can't do that.
I can't get away with just a "hey". I'm not a "hey" kind of person.
Oh, my God, you're overthinking this. Trust me.
- Do you think? - Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Go on. - Okay.
[clears throat]
[phone chimes]
- Sent. - Okay.
- Well done. - [breathes deeply]
[breathes deeply]
[sighs]
She hasn't responded. Why hasn't she responded?
That's you with the "hey".
- "Do a little 'hey'." - It's been a minute. Give it a moment!
[phone chimes]
Oh.
- It's her. - Oh. Well?
- Okay. She wrote "hey" back. - Mmm.
- That's it. And then "How was your day?" - There you go.
That's a good start, isn't it?
Okay. Now tell her what you got up to today.
- I don't think I wanna do that. - Why? What did you get up to today?
I don't wanna tell you either. You'll think I'm weird.
- Danny, I already think you're weird. - That's fair.
- [riders clamoring, laughing] - [chuckles] So?
Well... [sighs]
[clamoring]
I tried to make a bust of Michael Fassbender's head
- out of some Blu Tack. - Excuse me, what?
This is him in X-Men.
Wh-- Why did you do that?
I was in an arty mood. And, uh, I just have way too much Blu Tack.
Yeah, you're right. Definitely don't tell her about that.
- Then what do I do? - [clamoring, giggling]
Well, just be yourself.
Okay. Yeah, good point.
Be almost yourself and just, like, trim away the weird, little edges.
Okay. Yeah. Yeah... [stammering] ...I could do that.
- [rider 1] Are you talking about me? - [rider 2] White suit, trousers-- Yes.
Uh, Danny, can I call you back?
No, you can't. Please. No. [stammers] What do I say to her?
Yeah. I'll check in, I ju-- [sighs]
- [rider 1] You're meant to be my girl. - [shushes]
- Did you ju-- Did you just shush someone? - Yeah, I did just shush someone.
I don't think I've ever shushed anyone in my life. My legs are shaking.
I've never shushed anyone either. I wish I was someone that could shush.
- I'm a bit jealous. - [notification pings]
- Danny, I've really gotta go. - No. Don't go.
- No. Wait. Don't-- - I'll call you back. Good luck.
No. Lisa, no, plea-- I-- [stammering]
[call ends]
[sighs]
So, in terms of color, it comes in red...
- [riders chattering] - ...black, silver, green, lime green.
Doesn't come in purple, which I thought was a shame.
Do it.
"Not bad. Thanks."
"How about you?"
[sighs]
- [sighs] - [phone chimes]
[Veggie] The recommended retail price is higher than we all expected with this.
But with the addition of the tape blade down here
and an additional blade that can replace this blade once
- it's been overused, you know what it-- - Oh. [sighs]
[riders chattering, laughing]
- Uh, sorry. Have you seen a bag? - There wasn't one here when I got on.
- [riders speaking indistinctly] - Uh, sorry. Excuse me. Sorry.
Hi.
- Hey. How's it going? - Yeah. Good, good.
Um, is that my dress?
Which dress?
The dress you're wearing.
- This dress? - Yeah.
Mmm, right. No, I don't think so. I'm pretty sure it's my dress.
Right. Okay, I'll put it another way. Um, that is my dress.
Right. But I'm pretty sure it's my dress. That's weird, isn't it?
Right. But I think we both know that it's not, don't we?
Then how comes I'm wearing it?
[inhales deeply] Okay. Um, you've had your fun. [chuckles]
- Now it's time to give the dress back-- - [shushes]
Right. Okay. Yeah. Okay, I see what this is about. Um, I'm really sorry that--
[shushes]
- You can't just-- - [shushes]
Okay. [sighs]
- [phone ringing] - [groans, sighs]
- You won't believe it-- - She wants to meet up.
- What? - Amy. She wants to meet up in real life.
- Oh. - Yeah.
Uh, well, I don't know.
Maybe this is the thing that you need to get back out there.
But I don't wanna be back out there. That's why I'm in here.
Maybe you could invite her round to yours.
- What? Like, won't she be in my flat? - Well, yeah.
No, I don't think so. What if-- You know, what if it goes well?
- What if she wants to get intimate? - I mean,
do you need me to cover this with you as well?
- No, of course not. It's just-- - Good.
If I remember correctly, when, you know...
- Yeah. - ...you know.
- What? - You have to get naked.
Oh, yeah. No, no, I actually-- I put on more clothes.
It's just-- Listen.
Don't-- Don't-- Don't spread this to anyone.
- When I was showering this morning... - Yeah?
...washing a personal place,
Oka-- Okay.
- I found a mound. - A mound?
- I think it might be cancerous. - Danny--
- Actually, I know it's cancerous. - No, it's not cancerous. What?
- Would you take a look? - What?
Not like that. I just have-- I've taken a photo on my phone.
- If you could take a look at it-- - No, I will not.
Go and see a doctor.
Yeah. No, well, I have. Sort of.
Basically, I used to send a lot of photos to my doctor. You know, save me going in.
- Right. - Over the years,
I may have sent quite a lot, and she ended up sort of blocking me.
Luckily, my neighbor Adam offered to help out.
Please, do come in.
- [chuckles] - Take a seat, please, Adam.
Cheers.
Okay. What appears to be the problem?
Oh. Hold that thought.
- [chuckles] - Hi, Doctor. L-Listen to this.
For some reason, I can no longer taste pineapple.
At first I thought it was a bad pineapple, but very recently,
I've had another, and still I can't taste anything.
Okay.
Let's just try this one last time, shall we?
Please do let me know if there's any part of this that you struggle to understand.
- Yep. - Go away.
Go away.
[sighs]
- She threw you out? - Well, technically she threw Adam out.
You know? Look, if I just send you this photo, please just take a look.
And then tell me if it's something or nothing.
- Yes. Okay. I'll take a look at it. - Yeah? Serious?
- Yeah. - Oh, thank you, thank you.
- There. It's sent. Are you okay? - No, I'm not okay.
- Someone's stolen my dress. - I thought you stole your dress.
No, I mean here. Right now. They're wearing it in front of me.
Let's have a look.
Oh, yeah. He can really pull it off.
Danny! [sighs] Look, I need your help.
- Okay, have you confronted him? - Of course I confronted him.
- And what happened? - He shushed me.
[exhales deeply] The shushee becomes the shusher. A classic move.
Oh, my God. You're not helping me at all.
Okay, I've got it. You could start crying.
No. I don't want to cause a scene.
Lisa, he's the one causing a scene.
You need to expose him. Drag his crimes out into the light,
and then make a podcast about the whole ordeal.
- What? - What I mean is,
you need to get the whole bus on your side.
People love getting outraged at this stuff.
Yeah, you're right. You're right. I'm gonna bloody do it.
You are gonna do it. I can see it on your face.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna cause a scene.
- You're gonna do it. - I'm bloody going.
You're gonna-- Oh, sh-- She's gone.
Hello. Hi, everyone.
Sorry, uh, I just wanted you all to know that we have a thief on this bus.
This person has stolen my dress.
See that? That's the kind of dress I wanted for my birthday.
Well, then why tell me perfume? I'm not a mind reader.
Look, um, sorry, I-- I know it's late and everyone just really wants to get home,
but I'd very much appreciate your help.
Somebody must have seen something.
- Anybody? [chuckles] - Sorry, I don't mean to interfere--
Oh, no, no, no, please do. Please interfere.
But if that's not his dress, then where are his other clothes?
Well, I mean, obviously it's gonna be under...
- [grunts] - [rider] Hey! [grunts]
[scoffs]
- Come on now. Obviously-- - [grunts]
- What do you think you're doing? - [chuckles] Actually, do you know what?
You are interfering. If you wouldn't mind staying out of it, that would be great.
Thank you.
- Um... - Don't worry, love. I'll believe ya!
Oh, thank you.
Bloke wearing a dress. Disgusting, if you ask me.
Oh, no. No, no. Uh--
Okay, no one listen to him.
[stammers] He's-- I'm not-- We're not-- Um--
We are not on the same team.
[sighs]
Of course, I believe that anyone should be allowed to wear
- whatever they wanna wear. - Great. Thanks.
Yeah, just, in this situation, that actually is my dress.
Our plumber wears lipstick. [chuckles] I still give him fruitcake.
[chuckles]
No, that's not-- [speaks indistinctly, sighs]
No.
- [phone ringing] - [Danny] Hey, how'd it go?
Yeah, not great. I, uh, pretty much turned most of the bus against me.
But you were meant to turn them against him.
- I know that. Thanks, Danny. - It's okay.
Okay? We'll think of something.
While we're thinking, I don't suppose you could tell me that I don't have cancer?
I already told you I don't think you have cancer.
Yeah, but what-- What did it look like to you?
Well, I don't know. It hasn't come through yet.
What do you mean? I sent it to you ages ago. You should-- [gasps]
- What? - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- Danny, what? What? - Oh, no. God, no.
- Amy. I sent the picture to Amy. - Oh. [laughs]
Oh, well, do-- Don't laugh.
- What are you laughing for? - Okay, well, that's fine.
No, it's not fine. In what world is this fine?
It's bold.
It's saying,
- "Do you know what? Screw small talk." - Yeah.
- "Let's just cut to the chase." - To the chase.
"Do you like my body? Also, do you think I have cancer?
And if the answer is 'yeah' and then 'no,'
- let's just bloody get together." - Together.
Look, the upside is,
if she gets back to you, you know you've found a keeper.
No, Lisa, if she gets back to me, she should be certified insane.
Mmm, yeah.
Well, then that's another thing you have in common.
[groans] You idiot.
So, this is your forever, is it?
You in this flat.
Do it.
[inhales, exhales deeply]
Huh.
Okay. Yeah. That's not so-- That's not so bad.
[fluttering]
[gasps] Jesus Christ!
[grunts]
[Danny] Hey. Y-You don't know how to ask a pigeon
- to leave your flat by any chance, do you? - What?
[Danny grunts, sighs] Uh, never mind.
- [Lisa sighs] - You okay?
- Not really. - [pigeon fluttering]
Did Amy get back to you?
Funnily enough, she didn't.
- This way. [grunts] - Oh, no. Sorry.
Did you get your dress back?
No, I did not.
Look, there's gotta be something you can do.
There's not. I've got nothing.
I just wish Aunt Em was here. She'd know what to do in this situation.
[grunts] Well, given what you've-- Given what you've told me about her,
she would have just ripped the dress off his back, right?
Get off. [breathes heavily]
Never let the bastards win, Lisa.
[students cheering]
Of course.
- Oh, my God, that's it. - What?
Okay, come with me.
Well, where are we going?
Um, could you move, please? This is my stop.
I just want to let you know that you are a horrible person,
and that you have dragged me down to this.
And I want everyone here and everyone who's going to watch this online
to know that what is about to happen next is because of this person.
Yeah. Screw you, man. Sorry, I d-- I didn't catch your name.
Um, Tyler.
Thanks. Screw you, Tyler.
Yeah. Screw you, Tyler.
[sighs] Would you please point this at me? It's recording.
- What? - Danny will explain.
- What's happening? - I don't know.
I think we're just supposed to do what we're told.
Mmm.
Are we ready?
- [pigeon coos] - No! [mutters]
Okay.
- [fluttering] - [grunting]
[yawns]
- [pigeon coos] - [groans]
I'll keep going.
[gasps] He's uncomfortable.
[grunts, sighs]
- [inhales sharply] - Whoa. Okay. [sighs]
- What you doing? - [Tyler] This isn't worth the hassle, man.
Look, it's getting pretty cold out there, so if you're gonna be a nutter about it,
- then you should probably take this. - Oh.
Thank you very much.
I've got some extra clothes with me anyway. So...
Oh. Thought you might.
[claps]
- [phone chimes] - [bird chirping from phone]
[pigeon cooing]
[phone chimes]
[bird cawing from phone]
[sighs]
- [phone chimes] - [bird wailing from phone]
Piss off.
[bird wailing from phone]
[groans] Oh, come on.
[bell clangs]
[inhales deeply] Bye.
- Better luck next time. - [rider smacks lips] Whatever.
Oh, my God. Did you see me?
That is the coolest thing I think I have ever done.
Uh, yeah. It was amazing.
- Oh, shit. This isn't my stop. [groans] - What? [laughs]
- [chuckles] - [pigeon flutters, thuds]
What was that?
Trust me. You don't wanna know.
[panting]
Tell me again how this isn't breaking and entering.
[panting] Because I'm using a key.
Will you just relax? I'll be in and out in a minute.
Then I've gotta get back and find my shoes before someone puts them on eBay.
Look, I'll call you back when I'm done.
[door opens, closes]
[sighs]
You've gotta be kidding me.
[line ringing]
- [Danny] I have some excellent news. - [Lisa] Hit me.
It's just an ingrown hair.
- What? - Amy, she got back to me.
No. Seriously?
Trust me, nobody's more surprised than I am.
Okay, well, what did she say?
Well, just that it's a beautiful, nonlethal, ingrown hair.
I'm not dying, Lisa.
[chuckles] Well, that is great, Danny.
Hold on. What are you wearing?
Oh, well, it turns out that most of Aunt Em's stuff was in storage,
so now I'm dressed like a '70s sofa.
No, it's a good look. A strong look.
Yeah, whatever. All right, I better go.
- Same time next time? - Same time next time.
See you later.
Hello, again.
[Danny sighs] Rest in peace, you crazy bird.
[cooing]
Godspeed, little guy.
[sighs, grunts]
[pigeon thuds]
- [salesperson speaks on TV] - [sighs]
You've got to be kidding me.