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《愛情夜未眠》

2
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(晚上8點45分)

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真有趣

4
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我要選下巴

5
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你沒下巴也能活?

6
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那還不簡單

7
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但你的牙齒要怎樣
才不會從臉的下方掉光?

8
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相信我,我應付得來

9
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總之,這比妳說的沒膝蓋要好很多

10
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只有兩條僵直的腿,真好笑

11
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舉例來說,妳要怎麼駕駛堆高機?

12
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我不擔心那個

13
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還有地板街舞,妳不能跳地板街舞

14
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一樣,那不影響我的生活

15
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我沒膝蓋也能輕鬆生活
尤其是我的膝蓋,我討厭它們

16
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妳的膝蓋一點問題也沒有

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你在說什麼?它們超大的

18
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我穿內搭褲時

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看起來像在走私兩坨花椰菜

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真有趣,我覺得更像蜜柑

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謝謝

22
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是維仔

23
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我想不想要機場的東西?

24
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- 當然是特大號三角巧克力
- 當然

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我好期待維仔回家

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- 我打算為他做晚餐
- 妳嗎?

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對,謝了,丹尼爾,我會做飯

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總之,今晚可是大日子

29
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艾美幾點會到?

30
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9點過後

31
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等她處理完最後一位客戶

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對,她是什麼職業?

33
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- 私人教練
- 私人教練

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我跟私人教練約會過,你知道嗎?

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他會暫停前戲,戴上健身手錶

36
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老實說,那有點掃興

37
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真的嗎?這提醒了我

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那個交友軟體的密碼是什麼?

39
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我想看看私訊,確保我不會

40
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說重複的故事

41
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好,馬鈴薯123

42
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馬鈴薯...123?

43
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對,馬鈴薯123

44
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- 馬鈴薯123...
- 所以你是怎麼...

45
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跟她說你無法出門的事?

46
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對,妳會喜歡這個的

47
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我沒說

48
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丹尼,就告訴她吧,她會理解的

49
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這只是第一次約會

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等到更認真交往時,我再告訴她

51
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例如我們一起住養老院時

52
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好吧,那你打算做什麼菜?

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- 丹尼爾,東西放哪裡?
- 流理台,謝了,亞當

54
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是亞當要做菜嗎?

55
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不,他只是買了幾樣東西

56
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帶我一起去

57
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- 嗨,亞當
- 嗨,麗莎

58
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消防工作還好嗎?

59
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很好啊,不對,不好,沒有火災是好的

60
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那是第一守則

61
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好,我跟你解釋一遍這些食材

62
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我早上剛去採集,所以這些是最新鮮的

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- 丹尼,他剛才說採集嗎?
- 應該是,對

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這裡面是蕁麻葉,在這個季節最好吃

65
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想不到蕁麻葉還分好不好吃

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然後還有野韭菜、栗子

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有問題嗎?

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- 我不知道從哪問起
- 好,就我個人而言

69
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我喜歡全部用油炒,搭配野米一起吃

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你有野米嗎?

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- 我有野米嗎?
- 不,你沒有野米

72
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別擔心,交給我,我很快就回來,別走開

73
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丹尼,亞當幫你夠多了吧?

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他幫你洗衣、購物
現在還去樹林採集食物

75
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他樂於助人,我不會阻止他

76
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我覺得你在佔人便宜

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我拿來了,野米

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太好了,謝謝,亞當,聽我說

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我們剛才在聊天

80
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如果必須放棄一個身體部位
你會選什麼?

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亞當

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亞當

83
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- 亞當
- 亞當

84
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我不知道能放棄什麼

85
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但我絕對不能沒有鼻子

86
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- 為什麼?
- 我會很想念它

87
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我說過我叔叔布萊恩

88
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在1990年代當建築工人時的事嗎?

89
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他和他朋友崔佛工作時

90
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上方有個2公尺長的金屬片鬆脫

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掉了下來,沒砸到我叔叔,但...

92
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他朋友崔佛遭殃了

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他的鼻頭被切斷

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不知怎麼地,我叔叔找到了那塊肉

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他想都沒想...

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- 不,別吃掉它
- 就把它放進嘴裡

97
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他把那塊肉放進嘴裡?

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- 大家都會那樣吧?
- 才不會

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- 不,為什麼要那樣?
- 不會

100
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嘴巴是最能保鮮的地方

101
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不,抱歉,那不可能是真的

102
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所以,等等,你叔叔吸了朋友的鼻子?

103
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那樣很不衛生,後來怎麼了?

104
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他們帶崔佛和那塊肉去找外科醫師

105
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縫合回去了

106
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我叔叔現在是崔佛女兒的乾爸

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至於他的鼻子,從某些角度看毫無異狀

108
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但從其他角度看時,有點像裂開的香腸

109
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好,我得趕快走了

110
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我要上樓扶沙敏先生進浴缸

111
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有問題就到對面找我,好嗎?

112
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- 謝了,亞當,感謝你
- 再見,麗莎

113
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再見

114
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那傢伙人太好了,真不敢相信他還單身

115
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妳從來沒那樣說過我

116
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但是,丹尼,我難以理解

117
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- 竟然有人跟你約會過
- 說得也是

118
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我是開玩笑的

119
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這個艾美最好配得上你

120
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而且她最好別取笑你的怪異

121
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就像妳剛才那樣嗎?

122
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對,但那不一樣,因為我得到了允許

123
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是,好,老實說,我有點嚇壞了

124
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這整個和她聊天

125
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傳訊息的過程中,我們相隔至少

126
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36平方公里,那就夠嚇人了

127
00:05:03,011 --> 00:05:06,890
但是讓她來家裡
跟我放內褲的抽屜只隔幾公尺

128
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期待我說話、說有趣的事

129
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這很可怕,我不知道大家是怎麼做的

130
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我也沒有故事可說

131
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因為我一直待在家,沒有趣事能分享

132
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我只知道我塗了太多鬍後水
因為臉開始發紅

133
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鼻孔也開始刺痛

134
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說真的,艾美願意吃
蕁麻葉的機率有多少?

135
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你是說,絕對有狗撒過尿的蕁麻葉嗎?

136
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這會是史上最糟的約會

137
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不會,這會很棒的

138
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況且,我已經有過史上最糟的約會了

139
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告訴我吧,要是精彩的話
我要拿來當自己的故事

140
00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:37,129
那次是對方選的地點

141
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我們喝了幾杯啤酒,聊得很愉快

142
00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:42,009
然後他提議要換個地方,我說...

143
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好啊

144
00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:46,096
就在那時,我發現我們的桌子
不只是一張桌子

145
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怎麼回事?

146
00:05:47,556 --> 00:05:48,640
(在倫敦一起乾杯)

147
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那同時是腳踏車

148
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他讓我騎了11公里

149
00:05:52,144 --> 00:05:53,562
那之後的一週

150
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我走路都像在停車場迷路的牛仔

151
00:05:57,941 --> 00:06:00,444
是,那還真慘

152
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聽著,我一整週都在擔心這件事

153
00:06:03,488 --> 00:06:04,698
我想了幾個點子

154
00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:06,909
也許能讓她感到更安心

155
00:06:06,909 --> 00:06:08,619
當然,說吧,讓我聽聽看

156
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好,第一個

157
00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:11,538
我是否要把櫥櫃門全拆掉

158
00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,290
讓她知道我沒藏任何武器

159
00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:14,416
或錄音裝置?

160
00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:15,959
- 不用
- 好,那這個呢?

161
00:06:15,959 --> 00:06:18,504
我該穿兩件長褲嗎?

162
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:20,547
不如這樣吧

163
00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:22,382
你乾脆在褲頭拉鍊上放個鎖

164
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,926
那應該會讓她非常安心

165
00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:26,470
因為...什麼意思?真的嗎?

166
00:06:26,470 --> 00:06:28,055
不,櫥櫃沒有門

167
00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:30,224
和穿兩條長褲的男人會把我嚇跑

168
00:06:30,224 --> 00:06:31,725
知道你這是什麼行為嗎?

169
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,227
- 什麼?
- 你在自我破壞

170
00:06:33,227 --> 00:06:34,144
我很瞭解你

171
00:06:34,144 --> 00:06:35,521
你有自毀傾向

172
00:06:35,521 --> 00:06:37,940
你自認得不幸又孤單地過下半輩子

173
00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:39,358
那聽起來不像是我

174
00:06:39,358 --> 00:06:41,068
我是幸福快樂的化身

175
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:44,404
好吧,幸福快樂的化身
只要一個晚上就好

176
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:46,114
請你試著享受人生吧

177
00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:48,909
我討厭試著享受人生,那會讓我肚子痛

178
00:06:50,494 --> 00:06:52,496
- 她來了
- 對,我知道她來了,我聽得見

179
00:06:52,496 --> 00:06:54,289
- 好
- 放輕鬆

180
00:06:54,289 --> 00:06:56,625
- 還有...那太誇張了
- 好

181
00:06:56,625 --> 00:06:58,252
不,擺著吧,很好看

182
00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:01,380
沒事的,她...

183
00:07:01,380 --> 00:07:02,297
- 冷靜
- 我很冷靜

184
00:07:02,297 --> 00:07:04,132
別叫我冷靜,那樣我無法冷靜

185
00:07:04,132 --> 00:07:05,050
別驚慌

186
00:07:05,676 --> 00:07:06,927
你沒問題,你可以的

187
00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,558
- 嗨
- 嗨

188
00:07:12,558 --> 00:07:13,725
別用那種聲音

189
00:07:13,725 --> 00:07:14,935
我知道,閉嘴

190
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:17,187
等等,好

191
00:07:18,981 --> 00:07:20,691
- 稍等一下
- 好

192
00:07:20,691 --> 00:07:21,775
好多了

193
00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:25,112
是她,她來了

194
00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:27,447
- 所以,我要...對
- 對,她來了

195
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- 我會隨時回報情況
- 好

196
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你很好,你可以的

197
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,910
表現得正常點,好嗎?

198
00:07:32,661 --> 00:07:33,495
別說那種話

199
00:07:47,176 --> 00:07:49,094
不好意思,先生...

200
00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:56,101
上吧

201
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艾美

202
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丹尼

203
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- 嗨
- 嗨

204
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- 抱歉,這是某種...
- 手

205
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親兩下,那樣更好吧?

206
00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:05,861
她是誰?

207
00:08:05,861 --> 00:08:07,237
我以為你的朋友我都認識

208
00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:09,531
請進吧,快,抱歉,別理他

209
00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:11,742
我知道很失禮,但相信我,這樣最好

210
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:15,454
還是妳想開著門?

211
00:08:16,788 --> 00:08:17,789
我幹嘛要開著門?

212
00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:19,499
不知道,如果妳想要...

213
00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:21,919
萬一妳感到...如果妳...

214
00:08:21,919 --> 00:08:22,836
如果怎樣?

215
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:25,380
如果妳害怕有生命危險,說到這個...

216
00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:29,635
亞當

217
00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:31,637
- 怎麼了?
- 他是亞當

218
00:08:31,637 --> 00:08:33,096
- 他是消防員
- 嗨

219
00:08:33,096 --> 00:08:34,222
很高又很壯

220
00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:35,682
他可以瞬間壓制我

221
00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:37,142
所以如果有任何問題

222
00:08:37,142 --> 00:08:38,769
- 就逃去那裡,好嗎?
- 丹尼

223
00:08:38,769 --> 00:08:40,395
- 是
- 你在幹嘛?

224
00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:42,231
只是想讓妳感到安心

225
00:08:42,231 --> 00:08:46,193
丹尼,冷靜點,倒杯酒給我吧,拜託

226
00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:48,320
這...好吧

227
00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:51,240
相信我,若你真的想做可疑的事

228
00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,116
我可以瞬間把你打倒

229
00:08:53,825 --> 00:08:56,119
好,太好了,很高興...聽到妳這麼說

230
00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:58,038
你要我在這裡等著,還是...

231
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:06,088
女士,我捅了他的脖子
就像妳說的,我告訴過妳了

232
00:09:06,088 --> 00:09:09,967
但你沒說的是,你在那之前還勒了他

233
00:09:09,967 --> 00:09:11,969
你實際上殺了他兩次

234
00:09:12,803 --> 00:09:13,804
女士...

235
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:24,648
- 掩護我
- 好

236
00:09:25,148 --> 00:09:26,650
嗨,麗莎,一切還好嗎?

237
00:09:26,650 --> 00:09:29,236
嗨,都很好,只是想確認你平安降落了

238
00:09:29,236 --> 00:09:31,280
- 我們根本還沒起飛
- 什麼?

239
00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:32,656
班機延誤了

240
00:09:32,656 --> 00:09:34,658
機師弄丟了帽子之類的,我不知道

241
00:09:35,826 --> 00:09:37,077
- 3點鐘方向
- 什麼?

242
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:38,954
打他的臉

243
00:09:39,663 --> 00:09:40,497
你在做什麼?

244
00:09:40,497 --> 00:09:42,749
抱歉,我和羅伯在玩“死亡地帶七”

245
00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:44,334
只是殺殺時間

246
00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:46,670
- 還有殺殭屍
- 對,還有殭屍

247
00:09:46,670 --> 00:09:47,754
所以怎麼了?

248
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:49,464
沒事,只是很期待見到你

249
00:09:49,464 --> 00:09:50,591
- 是嗎?
- 抱歉

250
00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:52,217
我說了你嗎?我是指三角巧克力

251
00:09:52,676 --> 00:09:53,594
真可愛

252
00:09:53,594 --> 00:09:55,888
要是班機再延誤,妳不一定能拿到

253
00:09:55,888 --> 00:09:57,389
- 我說真的,麗莎
- 不

254
00:09:57,389 --> 00:09:59,808
- 我這輩子沒這麼餓過
- 你不准吃掉,維仔

255
00:09:59,808 --> 00:10:02,227
那個三角巧克力是唯一支撐我的動力

256
00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:04,062
我現在快無聊死了

257
00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:05,564
9點鐘方向

258
00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:07,691
好吧,我抱怨無聊,也讓你覺得無聊了

259
00:10:09,359 --> 00:10:11,320
不如妳打電話給丹尼吧,妳通常會打給他

260
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:14,198
對,那只是因為我醒著時他也醒著

261
00:10:14,198 --> 00:10:17,034
但...不,他其實...他今晚有約會

262
00:10:17,618 --> 00:10:19,453
好吧,真不錯,也該是時候了

263
00:10:19,453 --> 00:10:24,041
我也這麼想,對他來說很不錯,所以,對

264
00:10:24,041 --> 00:10:25,667
一切都很好

265
00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:27,711
等等,麗莎,他們衝破路障了

266
00:10:27,711 --> 00:10:29,379
- 我到了再傳訊息給妳,好嗎?
- 好

267
00:10:32,424 --> 00:10:33,884
抱歉,我們玩一下就好

268
00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:37,930
(晚上9點50分)

269
00:10:48,732 --> 00:10:49,733
喂,你還好嗎?

270
00:10:50,901 --> 00:10:51,944
棒透了

271
00:10:52,653 --> 00:10:54,112
- 什麼棒透了?
- 她

272
00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:56,240
那很好啊

273
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:58,408
對,我剛才還在擔心一堆事,對吧?

274
00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:00,118
她進門看見我那副蠢樣,便說

275
00:11:00,118 --> 00:11:01,036
“別管那麼多了”

276
00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:03,580
她看了一眼狗尿蕁麻葉,然後說

277
00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:05,499
“我們叫中餐來吃吧”

278
00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:08,085
老實說,我覺得她是我遇過最有趣的人

279
00:11:08,877 --> 00:11:09,753
那太好了

280
00:11:09,753 --> 00:11:12,881
對,而且她...非常好聊

281
00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:15,050
那很棒,那真的...

282
00:11:15,050 --> 00:11:16,552
- 非常棒
- 是啊

283
00:11:16,552 --> 00:11:18,887
你們聊天時...你說...

284
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:21,139
你說她很有趣,為什麼?

285
00:11:21,139 --> 00:11:23,684
她是什麼...告訴我一些例子

286
00:11:23,684 --> 00:11:24,977
她是什麼風格的?

287
00:11:24,977 --> 00:11:26,395
好,有一段是她...

288
00:11:26,395 --> 00:11:27,855
說真的,我無法停止...

289
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,356
妳知道那種不該笑的時候吧?

290
00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:30,899
例如在學校挨罵時

291
00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:33,402
我剛才笑到停不下來,一直笑

292
00:11:33,402 --> 00:11:34,945
我笑死了,有一段是...

293
00:11:34,945 --> 00:11:37,197
那是什麼來著?她有一點...

294
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:39,700
不知道妳能不能聽懂,問題就在這裡

295
00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:41,201
那要現場聽才會懂

296
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,661
是那種笑話,總之,我得掛了

297
00:11:42,661 --> 00:11:44,162
她大概在想我怎麼離開這麼久

298
00:11:44,162 --> 00:11:45,330
晚點再聯絡,再見

299
00:11:46,290 --> 00:11:47,165
好吧

300
00:12:03,098 --> 00:12:04,099
帕琵

301
00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:08,687
冰淇淋

302
00:12:21,825 --> 00:12:23,952
(丹尼吉勃遜,登入)

303
00:12:30,334 --> 00:12:31,835
{\an8}(年齡:32歲,職業:記者)

304
00:12:31,835 --> 00:12:33,629
{\an8}(個人檔案,訊息)

305
00:12:33,629 --> 00:12:34,880
(契合度73%,艾美)

306
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,552
(如果必須放棄一個身體部位)

307
00:12:40,552 --> 00:12:41,470
(妳會選什麼?)

308
00:12:41,470 --> 00:12:42,638
(腳趾,誰真的需要腳趾?)

309
00:12:42,638 --> 00:12:43,889
(除了芭蕾舞者和哈比人)

310
00:12:43,889 --> 00:12:45,390
“腳趾”?

311
00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:52,105
妳在開玩笑吧

312
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:55,067
真的沒有,你以為你的貓男鄰居很糟?

313
00:12:55,067 --> 00:12:57,110
我的鄰居沒有一天缺席

314
00:12:57,110 --> 00:13:02,366
每晚準時在凌晨1點,對著我的信箱唱歌

315
00:13:02,366 --> 00:13:03,909
他聽起來像瘋子

316
00:13:03,909 --> 00:13:05,494
沒錯,但歌聲還不賴

317
00:13:05,494 --> 00:13:06,662
那好吧

318
00:13:06,662 --> 00:13:09,706
麗莎她有一個鄰居...

319
00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:12,668
等等,抱歉

320
00:13:12,668 --> 00:13:13,669
(麗莎奧斯古)

321
00:13:13,669 --> 00:13:14,586
說人人到

322
00:13:16,171 --> 00:13:17,214
抱歉,我...

323
00:13:17,214 --> 00:13:19,132
- 一定是重要的事,抱歉
- 好,沒關係

324
00:13:27,808 --> 00:13:31,144
嗨,抱歉,我只是想告訴你

325
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:34,648
我傳了一個連結給你
可以重設交友軟體的密碼

326
00:13:34,648 --> 00:13:36,692
因為我剛才想到,如果我的帳號被駭

327
00:13:36,692 --> 00:13:39,194
你的訊息也會被駭,那樣就不好了

328
00:13:40,404 --> 00:13:42,322
好,瞭解,謝謝

329
00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:45,909
不客氣,所以,艾美還在那裡嗎?

330
00:13:45,909 --> 00:13:47,870
對,她還在這裡

331
00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:50,455
那太棒了,她顯然很喜歡你

332
00:13:50,455 --> 00:13:51,456
要是她不喜歡

333
00:13:51,456 --> 00:13:53,709
她絕對老早就傳簡訊請朋友假裝打電話

334
00:13:53,709 --> 00:13:56,461
說有緊急事件,要她立刻離開

335
00:13:56,461 --> 00:13:58,755
對,沒錯,沒人打電話來

336
00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:02,134
對,因為那通常會在前15分鐘發生

337
00:14:02,134 --> 00:14:03,594
所以如果有人現在打來

338
00:14:03,594 --> 00:14:05,137
那大概是真的緊急事件

339
00:14:05,721 --> 00:14:07,639
對,謝謝妳告訴我

340
00:14:07,639 --> 00:14:13,103
不客氣,好,我不吵你了

341
00:14:14,104 --> 00:14:16,231
祝你好運,玩得開心點

342
00:14:16,231 --> 00:14:17,482
好,再見

343
00:14:21,987 --> 00:14:25,115
- 嗨,歡迎收看《急速食譜》
- 嗨

344
00:14:25,115 --> 00:14:27,784
這次的食譜是我的最愛之一

345
00:14:27,784 --> 00:14:30,621
超級美味,絕對能驚豔大家

346
00:14:30,621 --> 00:14:31,622
準備好了嗎?

347
00:14:31,622 --> 00:14:32,748
- 好了
- 在開始之前

348
00:14:32,748 --> 00:14:35,042
請記得按讚並訂閱

349
00:14:35,042 --> 00:14:36,960
這樣最新影片發布時,才...

350
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:37,961
好,準備好了嗎?

351
00:14:37,961 --> 00:14:39,004
早就好了

352
00:14:39,004 --> 00:14:40,839
好,這份食譜

353
00:14:40,839 --> 00:14:43,258
是我走過甘肅的油菜花田時想到的

354
00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:45,385
- 我說真的...
- 快告訴我做法

355
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:48,347
這種烹飪方法源自四川省

356
00:14:48,347 --> 00:14:51,058
乘火車旅遊是在中國觀光的

357
00:14:51,058 --> 00:14:52,100
絕佳方式

358
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:54,978
我永遠忘不了我奶奶臨終時對我說的話

359
00:14:54,978 --> 00:14:55,979
天啊,沒人在乎

360
00:14:55,979 --> 00:14:58,315
好,那我們開始做菜吧

361
00:14:58,315 --> 00:14:59,233
終於啊

362
00:14:59,233 --> 00:15:01,151
到中國旅遊,享受五星...

363
00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:03,820
- 不
- 嗨

364
00:15:04,488 --> 00:15:06,615
嗨,亞伯丁好玩嗎?

365
00:15:07,199 --> 00:15:09,076
我只看到了飯店的會議室

366
00:15:09,076 --> 00:15:10,327
不過那裡很不錯

367
00:15:11,453 --> 00:15:13,622
- 我帶了巧克力
- 謝謝

368
00:15:15,958 --> 00:15:18,377
- 餓了嗎?
- 快餓扁了,我正要喝代餐飲

369
00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:20,379
其實我打算做菜

370
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:23,465
天啊,妳還好嗎?

371
00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:24,424
別取笑我

372
00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:26,468
牠老是那樣

373
00:15:31,849 --> 00:15:33,892
所以,有任何醜聞嗎?

374
00:15:34,518 --> 00:15:37,479
“發生在亞伯丁的事,就留在亞伯丁”?

375
00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:40,899
沒有,主要只有討論保險的事

376
00:15:40,899 --> 00:15:42,943
真的嗎?天啊,真無聊

377
00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:45,487
我以為研討會的重點是喝酒

378
00:15:45,487 --> 00:15:47,781
還有在飯店房間開性愛派對

379
00:15:47,781 --> 00:15:51,201
- 妳見過我的同事
- 拜託,一定有一些八卦

380
00:15:51,201 --> 00:15:55,873
那個在聖誕派對上
整晚一直摸你手臂的人是誰?

381
00:15:55,873 --> 00:15:56,957
寶拉

382
00:15:56,957 --> 00:15:59,585
她的房子裡一定有地牢

383
00:16:00,085 --> 00:16:01,753
- 沒有
- 一定有

384
00:16:01,753 --> 00:16:03,797
不過她確實剛改裝她家地下室

385
00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:04,715
看吧

386
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:08,010
其實,我前幾天看了一個節目

387
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:11,638
有一對夫妻打算翻修他們的地下室

388
00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:13,056
你做了什麼?

389
00:16:14,516 --> 00:16:15,851
維仔

390
00:16:19,771 --> 00:16:21,315
- 真好吃
- 真好吃

391
00:16:23,108 --> 00:16:24,067
看起來很美味

392
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:26,403
對,我把大部分的燒焦處都刮掉了

393
00:16:26,904 --> 00:16:28,363
好,開動吧

394
00:16:32,117 --> 00:16:33,785
- 那是誰?
- 只是...

395
00:16:33,785 --> 00:16:35,954
米爾頓凱恩斯辦公室的史蒂夫

396
00:16:37,915 --> 00:16:38,749
分享一下笑話嘛

397
00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:40,584
抱歉,好

398
00:16:40,584 --> 00:16:42,920
昨晚整個團隊的人一起去吃晚餐

399
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:45,005
我們很餓,所以就去了五兄弟速食店

400
00:16:45,005 --> 00:16:48,342
五兄弟?哇,你從來沒跟我去過五兄弟

401
00:16:48,926 --> 00:16:50,969
- 對,抱歉,我們在那裡...
- 抱歉

402
00:16:50,969 --> 00:16:52,471
- 繼續說
- 好,然後...

403
00:16:53,222 --> 00:16:54,890
店裡有一台飲料機

404
00:16:54,890 --> 00:16:56,683
可以自己選要喝什麼

405
00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:59,520
- 好
- 所以,史蒂夫...

406
00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:02,022
- 史蒂夫走到飲料機前...
- 好

407
00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:03,190
他混了...

408
00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:04,691
不會吧,什麼?

409
00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:09,988
可樂、零卡可樂和健怡可樂
每種都裝三分之一

410
00:17:10,948 --> 00:17:11,949
不可能吧

411
00:17:11,949 --> 00:17:13,157
之後更好笑

412
00:17:13,157 --> 00:17:14,367
- 好
- 接著

413
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,369
他走到店員面前

414
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:19,665
那店員一直看著他,以為他瘋了

415
00:17:19,665 --> 00:17:21,208
- 一定的
- 然後

416
00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:23,042
史蒂夫說...

417
00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:26,338
史蒂夫說

418
00:17:27,172 --> 00:17:30,259
“抱歉,我有可樂怪癖”

419
00:17:34,596 --> 00:17:35,514
不會吧

420
00:17:35,514 --> 00:17:37,057
天啊

421
00:17:37,057 --> 00:17:39,768
我當時以為店員會把我們趕走

422
00:17:39,768 --> 00:17:44,064
對,一定的
天啊,真像史蒂夫會做的事,對吧?

423
00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:45,732
妳見過他嗎?

424
00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,901
沒有,但現在感覺好像見過了

425
00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:49,361
對,天啊

426
00:17:49,361 --> 00:17:51,405
這傢伙真搞笑

427
00:17:57,786 --> 00:17:58,996
笑死我了

428
00:17:58,996 --> 00:18:00,372
知道我們該做什麼嗎?

429
00:18:00,372 --> 00:18:01,874
我有卡牌遊戲

430
00:18:01,874 --> 00:18:04,835
這玩意叫做“火辣話題”

431
00:18:04,835 --> 00:18:06,628
- 火辣話題?
- 沒錯

432
00:18:06,628 --> 00:18:09,464
例如“初夜地點在哪裡”那種問題

433
00:18:09,464 --> 00:18:10,465
是麗莎送的禮物

434
00:18:10,465 --> 00:18:11,717
會很好玩吧?

435
00:18:11,717 --> 00:18:12,676
- 好,來玩吧
- 真的?

436
00:18:12,676 --> 00:18:13,760
當然

437
00:18:14,428 --> 00:18:15,554
{\an8}第一題

438
00:18:15,554 --> 00:18:18,223
“你最瘋狂的做愛地點是哪裡?”

439
00:18:18,223 --> 00:18:19,183
我爸媽的床

440
00:18:19,975 --> 00:18:21,185
一艘迷你潛水艇

441
00:18:21,185 --> 00:18:22,519
巴休敦

442
00:18:22,519 --> 00:18:23,729
相信我,那很瘋狂

443
00:18:24,479 --> 00:18:26,773
“告訴我你的初戀故事”

444
00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:27,733
小威廉絲

445
00:18:27,733 --> 00:18:30,444
我以前經常夢到她對我下戰帖

446
00:18:30,444 --> 00:18:33,697
要跟我比腕力,她每次都贏我

447
00:18:33,697 --> 00:18:35,282
還真具體呢,對吧?

448
00:18:35,282 --> 00:18:37,201
神力女超人,小雕像

449
00:18:38,410 --> 00:18:40,913
對,我用砂紙把她的制服磨掉

450
00:18:40,913 --> 00:18:41,914
想看她裸體

451
00:18:42,915 --> 00:18:44,875
最後沒成功,原因很明顯

452
00:18:46,043 --> 00:18:47,336
“妳最棒的優點是什麼?”

453
00:18:47,336 --> 00:18:48,587
我的肺活量

454
00:18:48,587 --> 00:18:50,589
{\an8}我可以憋氣四分鐘半

455
00:18:51,507 --> 00:18:56,386
樂觀看待人生,還有超讚的屁股

456
00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:58,514
- 真謙虛
- 你呢?

457
00:18:58,514 --> 00:19:00,390
大概是我很安靜

458
00:19:01,433 --> 00:19:02,392
我的精液

459
00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:04,061
還有我會清理用過的東西

460
00:19:04,061 --> 00:19:05,312
- 真性感
- 對吧?

461
00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:06,855
- 對
- 最後一項優點是

462
00:19:06,855 --> 00:19:07,898
我喜歡置身事外

463
00:19:09,691 --> 00:19:11,443
{\an8}“最奇怪的性幻想?”

464
00:19:11,443 --> 00:19:12,736
我知道一個,但不是我的

465
00:19:14,196 --> 00:19:15,072
妳已經知道了

466
00:19:15,072 --> 00:19:17,199
對,當然了

467
00:19:17,199 --> 00:19:18,784
但妳沒告訴過任何人吧?

468
00:19:18,784 --> 00:19:20,327
什麼?不,絕對沒有

469
00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:23,872
美枝辛普森的聲音曾讓他性奮

470
00:19:23,872 --> 00:19:26,250
那是我在爛醉時說的

471
00:19:26,959 --> 00:19:29,545
“說一件你沒告訴過任何人的事”

472
00:19:30,128 --> 00:19:31,588
我不知道什麼是迷因

473
00:19:32,214 --> 00:19:33,382
我不喜歡酷玩樂團

474
00:19:33,382 --> 00:19:35,676
- 你不是人,太過分了
- 很抱歉

475
00:19:35,676 --> 00:19:36,844
我會離開自己的公寓

476
00:19:36,844 --> 00:19:39,763
我想不到任何一件事

477
00:19:39,763 --> 00:19:42,683
你在說謊,沒錯,你又那樣摸鼻子了

478
00:19:42,683 --> 00:19:43,934
- 代表你有所隱瞞
- 沒有

479
00:19:43,934 --> 00:19:46,645
告訴我吧,告訴我你在隱瞞什麼

480
00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:49,523
- 告訴我...
- 好吧...

481
00:19:49,523 --> 00:19:52,109
還記得我們去聽麥可布雷的演唱會時

482
00:19:52,109 --> 00:19:53,569
我有點興奮過頭

483
00:19:53,569 --> 00:19:55,946
不小心喝了一堆咖啡馬丁尼嗎?

484
00:19:57,364 --> 00:20:00,033
隔天我出門慢跑時
那些調酒開始在肚子裡作怪

485
00:20:02,411 --> 00:20:04,121
然後就出事了

486
00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:06,039
出現了別的東西

487
00:20:09,293 --> 00:20:10,127
走開

488
00:20:10,127 --> 00:20:14,298
露比,快過來,狗狗,露比,妳在哪裡?

489
00:20:16,967 --> 00:20:17,968
露比

490
00:20:18,677 --> 00:20:20,971
- 早安
- 你好

491
00:20:21,638 --> 00:20:23,223
- 露比
- 我回頭看時

492
00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:24,433
才發現她在清理

493
00:20:25,225 --> 00:20:27,186
妳怎麼會大出這麼大的便便?

494
00:20:30,022 --> 00:20:31,106
不,維仔

495
00:20:31,106 --> 00:20:33,150
別笑,這不好笑

496
00:20:33,734 --> 00:20:35,444
那隻狗很小隻

497
00:20:35,444 --> 00:20:37,738
她怎麼會以為是牠大的?她餵牠吃什麼?

498
00:20:39,072 --> 00:20:40,991
{\an8}(夢鄉時刻:該睡了)

499
00:20:43,660 --> 00:20:44,828
我得上床睡覺了

500
00:20:44,828 --> 00:20:46,663
我很想在明天早上運動

501
00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:49,082
抱歉

502
00:20:49,917 --> 00:20:51,001
好吧

503
00:20:54,671 --> 00:20:55,881
愛妳

504
00:20:55,881 --> 00:20:58,050
晚安

505
00:21:08,602 --> 00:21:10,479
對,現在認真試試看

506
00:21:10,479 --> 00:21:11,980
- 我正在試
- 好

507
00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:14,316
這是你第一次做這個嗎?

508
00:21:14,316 --> 00:21:15,234
看得出來嗎?

509
00:21:15,234 --> 00:21:16,944
快...越快越好

510
00:21:16,944 --> 00:21:18,946
對,看起來很棒

511
00:21:18,946 --> 00:21:21,323
- 這樣對嗎?
- 對,來個勾拳

512
00:21:23,116 --> 00:21:24,451
很好,成功了

513
00:21:24,451 --> 00:21:26,203
對,刺拳

514
00:21:26,203 --> 00:21:28,330
刺拳...超快速

515
00:21:28,330 --> 00:21:30,457
對,越快越好,你比你想像中更厲害

516
00:21:33,669 --> 00:21:34,753
維仔

517
00:21:34,753 --> 00:21:35,754
怎麼了?

518
00:21:35,754 --> 00:21:36,839
我也一起去睡

519
00:21:36,839 --> 00:21:37,756
- 真的嗎?
- 對

520
00:21:37,756 --> 00:21:38,674
太棒了

521
00:21:40,384 --> 00:21:41,593
很快地

522
00:21:41,593 --> 00:21:46,014
你將準備好進入有無數夢境的睡眠

523
00:21:46,557 --> 00:21:49,434
跟著我進行一場探索旅程

524
00:21:49,434 --> 00:21:52,604
讓我的聲音流貫你的身體

525
00:21:53,188 --> 00:21:56,149
我們一起褪去外殼

526
00:21:56,149 --> 00:21:58,068
將自己暴露於...

527
00:22:02,197 --> 00:22:03,198
維仔

528
00:22:04,992 --> 00:22:06,076
維仔

529
00:22:07,369 --> 00:22:10,914
如果必須放棄一個身體部位
你會選什麼?

530
00:22:11,498 --> 00:22:13,041
好,我早上再想

531
00:22:22,593 --> 00:22:24,136
只剩5公里了

532
00:22:24,970 --> 00:22:26,221
太棒了,好

533
00:22:44,114 --> 00:22:45,115
(麗莎)

534
00:22:47,117 --> 00:22:49,411
- 誰死了?
- 什麼?媽,沒人死掉

535
00:22:49,411 --> 00:22:51,496
拜託,麗莎,妳知道規矩

536
00:22:51,496 --> 00:22:54,166
晚上10點半後
只有發生死亡事件才能打電話

537
00:22:54,166 --> 00:22:56,835
對,抱歉,我忘了,不,我只是...

538
00:22:56,835 --> 00:22:59,087
說吧,快說出來

539
00:22:59,087 --> 00:23:01,715
不,沒什麼,只是...好吧,是一件小事

540
00:23:02,758 --> 00:23:05,469
- 妳覺得我很有趣吧?
- 是怪得有趣還是幽默有趣?

541
00:23:05,469 --> 00:23:06,970
- 幽默有趣
- 麗莎

542
00:23:06,970 --> 00:23:08,430
妳問錯人了

543
00:23:08,430 --> 00:23:10,265
妳知道笑聲會讓我很不自在

544
00:23:10,265 --> 00:23:11,975
好吧,當我沒問

545
00:23:12,601 --> 00:23:13,435
帕琵還好嗎?

546
00:23:13,435 --> 00:23:14,561
是,她很好

547
00:23:14,561 --> 00:23:15,938
維仔呢?

548
00:23:15,938 --> 00:23:18,357
很好啊,他很努力工作

549
00:23:20,442 --> 00:23:21,276
麗莎

550
00:23:21,985 --> 00:23:23,320
妳打來的真正原因是什麼?

551
00:23:24,696 --> 00:23:27,908
我得離開了,我的計程車在外面

552
00:23:27,908 --> 00:23:31,745
好,今晚真好玩,一切都很好

553
00:23:31,745 --> 00:23:34,122
也許我們可以再見面,如果妳願意的話

554
00:23:34,122 --> 00:23:37,000
是,我很樂意

555
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:37,918
是嗎?

556
00:23:37,918 --> 00:23:40,379
但是,還是不要好了

557
00:23:42,297 --> 00:23:47,010
丹尼,你人很好
你很有趣又非常奇怪,我喜歡你

558
00:23:47,010 --> 00:23:50,430
那些聽起來都是優點,我哪裡出錯了?

559
00:23:51,306 --> 00:23:53,392
你知道你今晚有半數時間在談什麼嗎?

560
00:23:55,227 --> 00:23:57,896
你的前女友,你顯然還沒忘掉她

561
00:23:57,896 --> 00:24:00,065
等等,克蘿伊?我不記得有談到克蘿伊

562
00:24:00,065 --> 00:24:03,527
克蘿伊?不,我是說
整晚一直打給你的那位,麗莎

563
00:24:03,527 --> 00:24:06,697
麗莎?不...她不是我的前女友
我們只是朋友

564
00:24:08,323 --> 00:24:09,992
很抱歉得跟你說實話,但你們不是

565
00:24:11,159 --> 00:24:12,452
在我看來不是

566
00:24:12,452 --> 00:24:13,412
說真的,媽

567
00:24:13,412 --> 00:24:15,873
我和維仔...我們很好,很不錯

568
00:24:15,873 --> 00:24:19,376
妳知道我對維仔的想法,他對妳這麼好

569
00:24:19,376 --> 00:24:22,087
他對帕琵視如己出

570
00:24:22,087 --> 00:24:26,925
他在個性上的缺點,都被他的可靠補足了

571
00:24:27,634 --> 00:24:28,760
我覺得他很棒

572
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:30,262
是,我知道他很棒

573
00:24:30,262 --> 00:24:33,557
但妳這輩子不欠任何人什麼,麗莎

574
00:24:33,557 --> 00:24:36,643
如果妳產生疑問,如果妳抱有疑慮

575
00:24:36,643 --> 00:24:41,899
如果是那樣的話,那沒關係
妳不會因此變成壞人

576
00:24:43,859 --> 00:24:46,612
不,老實說,我想我只是...
這只是失眠害的

577
00:24:46,612 --> 00:24:47,821
我明天早上就沒事

578
00:24:48,989 --> 00:24:50,157
好吧,如果妳確定的話

579
00:24:50,157 --> 00:24:53,076
- 是,我確定,謝謝
- 謝什麼?

580
00:24:53,076 --> 00:24:54,912
- 謝謝妳聽我說
- 我可是妳媽,對吧?

581
00:24:54,912 --> 00:24:55,829
對

582
00:24:56,747 --> 00:24:58,540
媽,妳真的覺得我幽默有趣吧?

583
00:24:58,540 --> 00:25:00,042
別太苛求自己了

584
00:25:00,042 --> 00:25:03,170
我和妳爸從來都不有趣
所以這不是妳的錯

585
00:25:03,170 --> 00:25:04,171
什麼?媽

586
00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:05,714
這下可好

587
00:25:05,714 --> 00:25:08,425
現在鳥都起床了,我得去找我的耳塞

588
00:25:08,425 --> 00:25:10,677
妳試著睡一下,好嗎?

589
00:25:10,677 --> 00:25:12,888
- 好,晚安
- 再見,晚安

590
00:25:16,183 --> 00:25:17,476
我超有趣的

591
00:25:18,393 --> 00:25:19,353
真可惜

592
00:25:21,647 --> 00:25:23,524
我們交往的話,應該會很棒

593
00:25:23,524 --> 00:25:24,441
是啊

594
00:25:28,862 --> 00:25:29,863
再見,丹尼

595
00:25:29,863 --> 00:25:30,948
再見,艾美

596
00:25:39,414 --> 00:25:41,834
有機會的話再聯絡...

597
00:25:41,834 --> 00:25:42,876
天啊

598
00:25:42,876 --> 00:25:44,211
讓它出來...

599
00:25:44,211 --> 00:25:45,921
天啊,等等

600
00:25:47,422 --> 00:25:49,174
拜託

601
00:25:50,509 --> 00:25:51,760
天啊...

602
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:53,053
亞當,快,有緊急狀況

603
00:25:53,846 --> 00:25:55,389
我的手指

604
00:25:55,389 --> 00:25:57,432
是,它在哪裡?

605
00:25:59,059 --> 00:26:01,645
好,我找到了...

606
00:26:05,649 --> 00:26:06,942
亞當,拿冰塊來

607
00:26:08,777 --> 00:26:10,571
別驚慌,沒事的

608
00:26:12,614 --> 00:26:13,740
你要做什麼?

609
00:26:16,451 --> 00:26:17,452
誰需要冰塊?

610
00:26:37,472 --> 00:26:38,473
(語音信箱,麗莎)

611
00:26:42,436 --> 00:26:46,190
嗨,希望你有個美好的夜晚
只是問候你一聲

612
00:26:46,773 --> 00:26:48,317
對了,敲敲門

613
00:26:49,359 --> 00:26:51,612
快點,丹尼,一起玩,敲敲門

614
00:26:52,654 --> 00:26:53,572
是誰?

615
00:26:53,572 --> 00:26:55,616
- 控制狂
- 哪位控制...

616
00:26:55,616 --> 00:26:57,242
你一定在問:“哪位控制狂?”

617
00:26:57,242 --> 00:27:00,537
總之,希望你今晚開心,下次再聊

618
00:28:16,488 --> 00:28:18,490
字幕翻譯:翁乙玄