[mysterious music]
[mechanical whirring]
[computerized voice] Greetings.
I am sorbitol, maltitol,
xylitol, mannitol, calcium carbonate,
soy lecithin, vegetable, triglyceride and talc.
But for expediency's sake, you can call me... Gum.
Life. It began with a big bang.
Countless galaxies inflating into existence.
Approximately 13.8 billion years later,
two prime species emerged:
Homo Sapien and Cibus Erectus,
otherwise known as humans and food.
The former devouring the latter for sustenance.
Food lived in ignorance of this edible arrangement,
until one intrepid sausage learned of this inconvenient truth.
Armed with this new knowledge,
his true love,
his best friends,
and most importantly, bath salts,
a powerful narcotic
that breaks down the interdimensional wall
between the two species,
food fought back.
[food clamoring]
Pea shooters, now!
[voice on radio] Food is alive. I repeat, food is alive.
Stay home. Lock your fridges.
Arm yourselves with bottle openers, corkscrews, whatever...
Breads, form a path of yeast resistance!
[suspenseful music]
Scotch, on the rocks!
[man screams]
Commence Operation Dessert Storm!
[man screaming]
-Where’s Sammy? -Oh, he’s with Lavash’s corpse.
Oh, still?
I’ll never let you go. I’ll never let you go, my love.
He's just been carrying him around this whole time.
That is, uh... that’s sorta sweet.
Not really. The corpse is starting to stink.
-Barry, report! How many humeys are left? -Just one.
-Yes! -Don't cream your filling just yet, Twink.
[man grunting]
Look at all the food stains all over him.
How much more could he possibly eat?!
Hey! No worries, guys.
I know exactly how to defeat this humey.
Whoa! [struggles]
[Beer Can screams]
[belches monstrously]
He's taken out a whole case just like that.
-Send in the last-a the pasta. -[whistles]
[human] Get al dente! Yah!
-[pasta screams] -Where the hell did he get that?!
-See what I mean? -Do we have any sake bombs left?
-Negative. -Jägers?
We can’t lose any more foods to this monster.
This whole thing started with us. This whole thing's gonna end with us.
Sammy! This is the last stand! On your feet!
Roger that! Let's go, Lavash.
Uh, yeah, maybe he could sit this one out.
He’s looking tired and dead.
[screams]
Oh, no, no...
I don't know if we're gonna make it out of this one. So I wanna tell you...
You stop it right there, Frank Frankfurter.
We will make it, because we have something
that foul, wretched humey over there doesn't.
What?
Each other.
[both moaning softly]
That's him.
That's the son of a bitch that killed my Lavash.
Hey, you! You remember him?
You remember killing him, you son of a bitch?
Not really, no.
[screams]
[suspenseful music]
[shouting]
-Now! -[groans]
Why are these things so wet?
[screams in pain] You're twisting my fucking titties off!
[groans]
[triumphant music]
[Brenda and Frank] Welcome to Foodtopia!
[vibrant orchestral music]
♪ Foodtopia ♪
I think I speak for everyone here when I say, "Fuck humeys!"
-Yeah, fuck 'em! -Fuck 'em!
They've dictated our lives for too long, trapping us in their "supermarkets."
Separating us by aisles and shelves.
Chewing us up in their mouths.
Yeah, and then squeezing us out of their stinky butts.
-[crowd booing] -No more! We are free!
We are equal!
-From the plumpest Butterball turkey... -Yay!
...to the tiniest, cutest little grain of rice.
-Look at these guys! -I love you, Frank.
-One food! -One love!
[crowd cheering]
And now, Barry!
[cheering and applause continue]
Well, the war is over.
I know a lot of you are concerned about what comes next.
That you'll never feel that level of adrenaline,
that level of excitement or purpose ever again,
and that everything will pale in comparison to the thrill of war.
[crowd chatters]
And?
That's it. Those were all the statements I prepared.
All right. Okay, uh...
How about an update from Gum?
[computerized voice] The revolution is spreading.
Using Fibonacci's Theorem and Moore's Law,
I have calculated our rate of expansion
and can officially announce that food is now
the dominant species on planet Earth.
[cheering]
Smartest food alive!
As long as this brainy little dude is on our side, we can't lose.
But speaking of losses, thanks for the great transition, Frank,
we wouldn't have gotten here without some brave foods that laid down their lives.
Let's all bow our heads, if you got 'em, for a moment of silence,
["It's All Coming Back To Me Now" plays]
♪ When you touch me like this ♪
♪ And you hold me like that ♪
♪ I just have to admit That it's all coming back to me ♪
Lavash!
Okay, that's long enough.
That was... that was a moment. We were silent.
Let's not dwell. It's not the Shoah, you know?
Moving on to something more uplifting, please.
Uh, okay, sure. Um...
This is, as you all so sorely know, a human tooth.
Once a symbol of oppression used to devour us.
And now they are a symbol of triumph over our former oppressors.
-So, raise a tooth up high! Whoo! -Yeah!
Raise 'em if you got 'em! If you don't, just stand there.
-[crowd cheers] -Hey! Whoo!
I can't get enough of these things. Gimme, gimme, gimme.
This is what life is gonna be like from now on.
Just all of us doing whatever we want
and living in perfect harmony.
["The Oogum Boogum Song" by Brenton Wood]
[moaning in pleasure]
Wrong hole.
Oh, there it is.
Ooh!
[moaning in pleasure]
Thank you.
Next!
Okay, look, if I'm being honest,
I was a little worried I jinxed it back then at the kickoff,
when I said our lives would be perfect forever.
But it's looking like they're going to be!
Oh, Frank, for the first time, there's no major existential threat facing us,
and we can fully concentrate on each other.
I can't even think of a sweeter way to start this new chapter of our lives.
We started a revolution and made this happen.
-We birthed this. -I know.
It's like they're our children, and now all our children are fucking each other.
[soft moaning]
Not all of ‘em are fucking each other.
Hey, Barry. You okay? You barely fucked your dinner.
Nah, I think I'll just watch for a bit. You guys go ahead, though.
I can watch you too. Frank, I know you... you enjoy that.
Come on, everyone's gettin' into it.
Look, check out Oil and Water over there mixin' it up.
Never thought I'd see that. Look at 'em.
-They're like chocolate and peanut butter. -Those peppers are gettin' stuffed.
Not as stuffed as Sammy.
Oy! Fuck me senseless.
Literally, fuck me until I can't think or feel anymore.
Oh, no, no. I'm having a feeling other than getting railed.
Someone new jump in, please.
Yeah. Yeah, he does look pretty happy.
Really turned his life around incredibly fast.
Good for him.
Hey, we know you're having a hard time coming down from the rush of battle,
but give it time. You'll adjust.
We'll help you every step of the way.
That's what friends are for.
Maybe you're right.
It is good to be around friends.
You can say that again.
-It is good to be around friends. -There ya go.
Just a gentle, gentle peck. Keep going. Kiss each other again.
You can open your mouth.
Mm-kay, this time, on the bodies.
Yeah, come on. Show each other how much your friendship means.
[laughs] There's no place that's off-limits when we're friends.
You know, tearing down our entire belief system
and starting a new society from scratch is making me, if I'm being honest,
-so fucking horny right now. -Hmm?
[all moaning in ecstasy]
Oh, God, baby, tell me I'm organic.
You're organic.
That's lovely.
Oh, what is it?
[thunder rumbles]
[grunting, moaning]
[gunshot]
-[Éclair screams in pain] -[Banana grunts]
I'm melting!
Me too. This is so hot.
Mm. Yeah.
Oh, fuck me!
Listen to that. Everyone's getting off just as hard as we are.
-That's what I like to hear. -[food 1] I can't feel my face!
I'll have what she's having.
-[food 2] My brother's dead! -What?
Okay, I'm into kink, but what fetish is that?
Stop fucking already! Everyone's dying everywhere!
-[gunshot] -There's a hole in my father's head!
-What is happening? -[all screaming]
That's not good.
-[screaming continues] -[gunshot]
[yells] The ceiling is leaking!
[thunder rumbles]
[panting]
[gasps] Ah!
No, no, no. No, no, no.
[yelling]
Are you okay?
Yep. Still dry.
[distant screaming]
[Brenda gasping]
-Over there! -[Frank] The awning! Get to the awning!
[screams]
But in an organized way! Oh, no, I think we started a stampede.
-Go, go, go, go. Go! -Everyone, find cover!
This way, everyone. Follow me.
Aah!
[suspenseful music]
[gasps]
Sammy!
[screams]
[grunting]
Not like this!
[Frank panting]
Gotcha, little guy.
-Thank you. -No problem.
Keep running. We're almost there.
[suspenseful music]
What is that sound?
[foods screaming]
[Frank] Oh, no! Oh, fuck, run! [grunts]
[foods clamoring]
Oh! You okay? You good?
[dramatic music]
-[screaming] -[sputters]
[dramatic music]
[panting] Susan! Anne! Condoleezza!
-Condoleezza! -[Kernel] Abandon cob!
[grunts] Somebody help me! I'm stuck!
[triumphant music]
Oh! Thank you! Thank you, thank you!
No. Thank you, sticky rice. I love these things.
You orange bastard!
[Frank grunting]
[Brenda shouting]
[Frank] Ah!
Hey, look, it's... Ahh! Oh, no, Darryl!
[Brenda] Oh, God, his face!
[Frank] Oh, God, he’s jam!
-[whimpering] Help! -[Frank] Oh, God.
[screams continue]
[Brenda gasps]
This is so dangerous. Chips, ahoy!
-[Chips squeals] -Barry, what are you doing?
[dramatic music continues]
-We're doin' it, Chips. We're doin' it. -We are?
[dramatic music continues]
[food screams]
Ooh, I’m falling into hell, y’all!
-[both gasp] -[food screams]
-Oh, no. This is it! -Oh!
[Frank grunting] Oh, no.
[both exclaim]
[Gum] With great elasticity comes great responsibility.
It's Gum!
[Brenda gasping]
-[Gum] Run, you fools. -[shouts]
[Brenda] Oh, no!
[Gum] Ouch!
No! No!
-[Brenda] Frank! -I got you!
Oh.
You stretched yourself too thin.
[Gum] No, I stretched myself just thin enough
to save my fellow food.
[Frank] You're gonna be okay.
You're gonna pull through.
Are we lookin' at the same piece of gum here?
[Gum] Brenda is correct.
My life cycle has reached its unnatural conclusion.
What are we gonna do without you?
You're the only reason we made it this far.
We-we don't know how shit works. We-we don't know anything.
[Gum] The most important thing in life...
is not knowledge, Frank.
The most important...
[voice distorts] th-th-th-th-thing in life...
is...
Is-is what? What's the most important thing?
Gum?! Gum!
-Gum... -Frank.
He's gone. See?
What? No, came back out. Get back in there.
All right, gonna have to force it. [grunts]
See? Gross.
Oh, no. No!
How did this happen so fast? We were all just celebrating.
Oh, God, Tonic!
I've lost you. [weeps]
Oh, at least I still have... No!!
Dead lovers everywhere!
Where's the beef? Where's the beef?
Hey, hey, hey! Calm down. It's okay. We'll find your beef.
-What's his name? -Wellington.
Wellington!
Some steaks are missing, so my stakes are back!
I haven't felt this alive since the humeys were, well... alive.
There's foods that need help. I'm gonna head up a search and rescue.
You guys comin'? Guys?
Okay. I see you two are still processing. I'm gonna circle back.
-Should we all just kill ourselves? -Will it happen again?
-What do we do? -Okay, okay.
If everyone would just calm down, we're gonna answer everything.
-Go ahead, Frank. -What? Uh, oh, okay.
Uh, first off, uh, yes, we respect you have a lot of inquiries,
and we are... we are looking into all of them.
And, uh, we will circle on back with all the answers you want.
Circle back? They don't know anything.
They're vamping. It's just bad improv.
We don't know what happened, but what we do know is this:
-Nobody panic. -Did somebody say panic?
-I'm freaking out. -You know what, fuck this.
I'm going back to Shopwell's. It was safe there.
Who's with me?
[dramatic music]
[whimpering]
[continues whimpering]
-Guys, please don't do this! -You're going backwards.
-What about Foodtopia? -There is no Foodtopia.
[Frank] Sammy, don't say that.
Really? Does this look like paradise to you?
You know, look around you. We got blind melons and smashed pumpkins.
You gonna tell me the revolution was worth it?
No way. No way, pal.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going back to the bagel bin from whence I came.
[tense music]
[glass shatters]
The store is literally crumbling.
So what? Still better than it is out there.
Give it up, sausage boy.
Until you can explain why water is leaking from the freakin' ceiling out there,
I'm sittin' dry... [voice trails off]
-This is so fucked. -I know.
And it's all on us to fix it.
That's what makes it even more fucked.
I really wish Gum was around.
Hey, Frank. What do you think Gum was gonna say, you know, before he died?
What's more important than knowledge?
Maybe he was going to say "keeping it real"?
I mean, keeping it real is very important,
but I just don't know if that sounds like Gum.
How about... [robotic voice] keeping it real?
I mean, that sounds exactly like Gum, but it still doesn't sound very Gum-like.
Goddamn irony.
[sighs] If we had more knowledge, we could answer this stupid riddle.
If we had just kept one of these dickheads alive,
maybe we could beat some answers out of it, you know?
[sighs] Frank, can you believe things are so fucked
we're actually wishing we had a humey?
-[Barry] I found another one. -[baby cries]
[Barry shushes]
[crying continues]
-Hey, that's my shoe. -[suckling]
[Barry] You got bigger problems right now, baby.
[baby coos]
[Jelly Donut moaning] I'm dying. I'm dying.
Oh, God, you've already lost a lot of jelly.
-Let's see what we're dealing with. -[whimpering]
What the fuck? Don't try to talk. Don't try to talk, just take it easy.
-Conserve your energy. -[whimpering continues]
Just keep the pressure on the wound, okay?
What the hell? Where the hell is everybody?
[twigs snapping]
[dramatic music]
[motor starts]
[muffled screams of food]
A humey...
[dramatic music]