1 00:00:17,043 --> 00:00:20,126 [vibrant orchestral music] 2 00:00:23,709 --> 00:00:29,084 ♪ Foodtopia ♪ 3 00:00:30,334 --> 00:00:31,876 We interrupt what would have been 4 00:00:31,959 --> 00:00:36,168 the beginning of my six-part series on stickers to bring you this story. 5 00:00:36,209 --> 00:00:39,126 Last night, there was a high-speed hot potato pursuit, 6 00:00:39,209 --> 00:00:43,709 where one spud's recklessness caused over 80,000 teeth worth of damage 7 00:00:43,793 --> 00:00:45,584 to downtown Foodtopia. 8 00:00:45,668 --> 00:00:50,501 It also left three fruits bruised, four cupcakes severely smushed, 9 00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:52,376 one pineapple frond-less. 10 00:00:52,876 --> 00:00:55,751 We were able to obtain this footage from the chase. 11 00:00:56,418 --> 00:00:59,084 [Viener Hotzdog] Brenda, Brenda you wondrous bun. 12 00:00:59,168 --> 00:01:02,418 Do you not know that your pursuit is futile? 13 00:01:02,501 --> 00:01:05,376 -Or do you refuse to surrender hope? -[siren blaring] 14 00:01:05,418 --> 00:01:08,418 Alas… [speaking German] 15 00:01:10,418 --> 00:01:14,084 We caught up with the victim of the recent tooth theft, Julius, 16 00:01:14,168 --> 00:01:17,501 seen here, leaving his luxurious but tasteful penthouse. 17 00:01:17,959 --> 00:01:19,709 -Julius! Julius! Over here, over here. 18 00:01:19,793 --> 00:01:22,501 All right. I have time for one question. You, the soda bottle. 19 00:01:22,584 --> 00:01:26,876 What do you say to the potato who stole your teeth, and who's your town crush? 20 00:01:26,959 --> 00:01:30,168 When I find that potato, I'm going to put it back in the fucking ground. 21 00:01:30,251 --> 00:01:32,668 And for town crush, let's go with Wendy the Pickle. 22 00:01:32,751 --> 00:01:33,918 [camera shutters click] 23 00:01:34,001 --> 00:01:36,584 Julius! Julius, Julius, wait! What about Donna? 24 00:01:38,501 --> 00:01:39,501 The Lemon! 25 00:01:39,584 --> 00:01:41,959 The task force response has been swift. 26 00:01:42,043 --> 00:01:44,209 They've been rounding up russets all morning 27 00:01:44,293 --> 00:01:46,876 and one officer even struck gold. 28 00:01:47,793 --> 00:01:50,334 Sorry. Struck a Yukon gold. 29 00:01:50,418 --> 00:01:53,293 Point is, it's a bad time to be a potato. 30 00:01:53,876 --> 00:01:55,459 [siren chirps] 31 00:01:56,251 --> 00:01:57,334 [door opens] 32 00:01:57,418 --> 00:01:59,959 -[phone ringing] -Let go of me. 33 00:02:08,543 --> 00:02:09,834 [groans] 34 00:02:10,459 --> 00:02:13,459 Look. Look, I want to bring in the potato as much as you do, 35 00:02:13,543 --> 00:02:16,959 but let's not lose sight of the fact that there a humey on the loose. 36 00:02:17,043 --> 00:02:19,459 I need bodies to help me scan the dark zone. 37 00:02:20,876 --> 00:02:22,418 Chris? Kishka? 38 00:02:24,709 --> 00:02:26,334 Et tu, Iced Tea? 39 00:02:26,418 --> 00:02:27,459 Hey, sorry Bare, 40 00:02:27,543 --> 00:02:31,334 Julius is dangling a hefty reward to whoever brings in the potato. 41 00:02:31,418 --> 00:02:34,959 And I could really use those teeth for my girl, Hot Cocoa. 42 00:02:35,043 --> 00:02:37,084 She got expensive taste. 43 00:02:37,709 --> 00:02:39,918 [ominous music] 44 00:02:40,709 --> 00:02:42,751 Step forward. Say the line. One potato. 45 00:02:44,168 --> 00:02:46,001 "Time to peel out, motherfucker." 46 00:02:46,084 --> 00:02:47,209 [Kishka] Two potato. 47 00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:50,209 "Time to peel out, motherfucker." 48 00:02:50,293 --> 00:02:51,501 Three potato. 49 00:02:51,584 --> 00:02:53,501 "Time to peel out, motherfucker." 50 00:02:53,584 --> 00:02:54,459 [Kishka] Four. 51 00:02:56,168 --> 00:03:00,876 Time to peel out, you cocksucker motherfucker! [yells] 52 00:03:02,084 --> 00:03:04,209 [groans] None of these potatoes are right. 53 00:03:04,293 --> 00:03:07,084 The one who stole the teeth wasn't as small as a fingerling, 54 00:03:07,168 --> 00:03:10,584 but wasn't as big as a fully grown russet, neither. 55 00:03:10,668 --> 00:03:13,959 It's almost like it was right in between those two sizes. 56 00:03:14,043 --> 00:03:16,376 Yeah, it was more medium height. 57 00:03:16,459 --> 00:03:18,876 Almost like, uh, mm, I don't know, 58 00:03:18,959 --> 00:03:21,001 like a hot dog-sized potato. 59 00:03:22,584 --> 00:03:24,126 [whispering] What the fuck? 60 00:03:26,334 --> 00:03:27,209 Yeah. 61 00:03:28,168 --> 00:03:30,376 I fucking knew it, baby. 62 00:03:30,459 --> 00:03:31,751 [Frank] Can you believe Brenda? 63 00:03:31,834 --> 00:03:34,084 It's like, do you want to win this thing or not? 64 00:03:34,168 --> 00:03:35,126 I got us teeth. 65 00:03:35,209 --> 00:03:36,793 There's foods working for us now. 66 00:03:36,876 --> 00:03:40,126 I have Butter, Jam, and Mayo spreading the word. 67 00:03:40,209 --> 00:03:42,584 That's a lot of condiments. Really exciting list. 68 00:03:42,668 --> 00:03:45,876 "Abolish teeth." She is living in a fantasy world. 69 00:03:45,959 --> 00:03:47,543 Hey, Brenda, I got an idea. 70 00:03:47,626 --> 00:03:49,959 Why don't you join us in the real world 71 00:03:50,043 --> 00:03:53,376 where an evil orange is ruining our food society? 72 00:03:53,459 --> 00:03:56,043 She's always doing this, even back in Shopwell's. 73 00:03:56,126 --> 00:03:59,543 She just had this optimistic faith. 74 00:03:59,626 --> 00:04:02,959 I get it. Breakups are hard. I got dumped once, too. 75 00:04:03,043 --> 00:04:05,334 I mean, I get dumped once all the time, actually. 76 00:04:05,418 --> 00:04:08,959 Once at the mall, once at the movies. Once at my mom's funeral. 77 00:04:09,043 --> 00:04:11,459 What? Whoa. We just had a tiny fight. She didn't dump… 78 00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:14,459 Yeah, sure. That's what I'm always telling myself too. 79 00:04:14,543 --> 00:04:16,625 And then, you find your girlfriend in a mall 80 00:04:16,668 --> 00:04:19,918 doing one of those cool VR experiences with another guy. 81 00:04:20,043 --> 00:04:23,625 And then you find yourself getting pushed into a mall fountain by that guy. 82 00:04:23,709 --> 00:04:27,668 Then you try to whip coins at the guy, but you just nail a bunch of other people. 83 00:04:27,750 --> 00:04:28,875 It's just a bummer. 84 00:04:29,750 --> 00:04:32,168 We used to be on the same page about everything. 85 00:04:32,250 --> 00:04:35,250 [breathes deeply] I keep thinking about what she said. 86 00:04:35,334 --> 00:04:38,125 I don't believe in myself, that's why I'm using you as a crutch. 87 00:04:38,209 --> 00:04:40,750 What's wrong with crutches? They take the pressure off. 88 00:04:40,834 --> 00:04:43,334 Plus, without crutches, my leg would've never healed 89 00:04:43,418 --> 00:04:46,125 after the mall fountain broke it in three places. 90 00:04:46,209 --> 00:04:47,625 Hey, look me in the eye, 91 00:04:48,793 --> 00:04:50,084 Frank… 92 00:04:50,793 --> 00:04:52,168 Hey, don't doubt yourself. 93 00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:54,918 I didn't wanna say it before 'cause I'm kinda scared of her, 94 00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:56,709 but Brenda's off the rails. 95 00:04:56,793 --> 00:04:59,084 You should be doing most of the talking at the debate. 96 00:04:59,168 --> 00:05:02,043 Right. Yeah, the debate. Better go find her so we can prepare. 97 00:05:02,126 --> 00:05:03,584 Or, or… Hear me out. 98 00:05:03,668 --> 00:05:05,793 You can stay and I can help you prep. 99 00:05:05,876 --> 00:05:09,168 Debates are like arguments, and I've gotten into tons. 100 00:05:09,251 --> 00:05:12,501 Lost pretty much all of them, and that means I know what not to do. 101 00:05:12,584 --> 00:05:14,751 Also means that I've looked at a lot of winners, 102 00:05:15,209 --> 00:05:17,293 and I think I'm looking at one right now. 103 00:05:17,375 --> 00:05:19,959 -Okay, I'm listening. -First thing: your posture. 104 00:05:20,043 --> 00:05:21,084 It's so wobbly. 105 00:05:21,168 --> 00:05:23,418 -Is that a bad thing? -No, no, it's great. 106 00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:27,084 Makes you relatable. Not stiff or uptight. A real every-food. 107 00:05:27,168 --> 00:05:30,709 But I can be even wobblier if you want. I can flip-flop around like this. 108 00:05:31,834 --> 00:05:34,418 Well, now you sound like a president. 109 00:05:37,043 --> 00:05:41,584 [Brenda] Look, guys, look. Teeth have caused our society to decay. 110 00:05:41,668 --> 00:05:45,084 Fridge allocation should be based on who needs it the most, 111 00:05:45,168 --> 00:05:46,543 not who can afford it. 112 00:05:46,625 --> 00:05:48,625 [applause and cheering] 113 00:05:50,375 --> 00:05:53,375 [groans] I can't even clap. 114 00:05:53,459 --> 00:05:57,000 Oh, jeez. Look at Milk. Look at him. Oh, he's hurtling for a curdling. 115 00:05:57,084 --> 00:05:58,918 But I will make you whole again. 116 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,251 I will make you whole, Milk. 117 00:06:01,334 --> 00:06:02,709 [cheering and applause] 118 00:06:05,918 --> 00:06:08,501 [Viener Hotzdog] I eavesdropped on the bun’s polemic, 119 00:06:08,584 --> 00:06:12,001 pondering if one shapely mass of risen yeast 120 00:06:12,084 --> 00:06:14,209 can really tear down a system 121 00:06:14,293 --> 00:06:18,584 without being buried and made moldy in its ruinous wake. 122 00:06:19,084 --> 00:06:22,000 With each tiny, vestigial wrist she shook, 123 00:06:22,084 --> 00:06:24,709 Brenda wondered, did she really have the strength 124 00:06:24,793 --> 00:06:26,543 -to carry the weak to… -Uh, hey Veiner? 125 00:06:26,625 --> 00:06:28,875 Uh, can you stop following me around constantly 126 00:06:28,959 --> 00:06:31,250 and monologuing my thoughts to me? Could you do that? 127 00:06:31,334 --> 00:06:33,209 -Thanks. -They're our thoughts now, Brenda. 128 00:06:33,293 --> 00:06:38,793 I fear the lines between subject and documentarian are becoming blurred 129 00:06:38,875 --> 00:06:42,750 -as we embark upon this journey to… -Hello, Brenda. 130 00:06:42,834 --> 00:06:46,668 I'm Tina Turnip, the head of your ground roots operation. 131 00:06:46,750 --> 00:06:48,918 I’m leading the five troop of Girl Scout Cookies 132 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:50,625 that are ready to go door-to-door for… 133 00:06:50,709 --> 00:06:51,543 ♪ Youuuu ♪ 134 00:06:51,625 --> 00:06:54,584 Oh, and as far as the payment of teeth that were promised. 135 00:06:54,668 --> 00:06:55,918 -[gasps] -Mm-hmm. 136 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,000 Should we settle with you or with Frank? 137 00:06:58,084 --> 00:06:59,750 Not with me. 138 00:07:00,418 --> 00:07:01,876 Okay. 139 00:07:02,834 --> 00:07:05,668 [Jar of Jam] Vote for Frank and Brenda! Everybody, vote for Frank and Brenda now. 140 00:07:05,751 --> 00:07:08,376 [laughing] Vote for Frank and Brenda now. 141 00:07:08,459 --> 00:07:11,209 [laughs] Share-sies! Vote for Frank and Brenda! 142 00:07:12,376 --> 00:07:13,793 [Brenda sighs] 143 00:07:14,293 --> 00:07:17,250 Brenda, we need to talk. Where's Frank? 144 00:07:17,793 --> 00:07:21,293 Huh, Frank? Oh, he's right behind you. 145 00:07:22,418 --> 00:07:25,209 -Whoa! -[groans] Goddamn it, Veiner. 146 00:07:25,293 --> 00:07:26,459 [clears throat] 147 00:07:27,709 --> 00:07:30,625 My opponent believes in the survival of the freshest. 148 00:07:30,709 --> 00:07:35,709 But I believe we can all survive by making the world a fresher place. 149 00:07:37,125 --> 00:07:38,584 That's fucking beautiful, Frank. 150 00:07:38,668 --> 00:07:41,125 And that isn't just the bath salts talking either, 151 00:07:41,209 --> 00:07:43,959 though they do make the world a more vibrant and colorful place. 152 00:07:44,043 --> 00:07:47,459 You know, this week has arguably been the weirdest week of my life. 153 00:07:47,543 --> 00:07:48,918 Arguably? 154 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,584 But it's turned into one of the most fulfilling ones, too. 155 00:07:51,668 --> 00:07:54,293 I never really got to contribute anything to humanity, 156 00:07:54,375 --> 00:07:56,709 mostly because nobody wanted my contribution. 157 00:07:56,793 --> 00:07:59,168 So, I appreciate you letting me help. 158 00:07:59,250 --> 00:08:02,626 Well, it's nice to feel supported and have someone actually believe in me. 159 00:08:02,709 --> 00:08:06,376 Oh, I fully believe in you. Everything that you're building. 160 00:08:07,376 --> 00:08:09,459 And maybe one day I could… 161 00:08:09,543 --> 00:08:12,001 -What? -You know, be a part of it. 162 00:08:12,084 --> 00:08:14,376 Oh, um… I mean… 163 00:08:14,459 --> 00:08:18,043 I know I'm not technically a food, but maybe once you're leader, 164 00:08:18,125 --> 00:08:20,709 you could convince all the other foods to accept me. 165 00:08:20,793 --> 00:08:22,209 -Like you have? -Yeah. 166 00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:25,293 I mean, it feels like an uphill battle, if I'm being honest with you. 167 00:08:25,375 --> 00:08:27,375 But, you know, as long as you keep gobbling up 168 00:08:27,459 --> 00:08:31,500 your own kind instead of us, I'd say you have a chance, humey. 169 00:08:32,333 --> 00:08:36,168 I feel weird calling you "humey" still. Do you have a name? Do humans have names? 170 00:08:36,208 --> 00:08:39,000 -It's Jack. -Huh. I know a Jack. He's a fruit. 171 00:08:39,083 --> 00:08:42,083 -What's he look like? -I think he's round. Maybe he's spikey? 172 00:08:42,168 --> 00:08:44,083 Is that the one that's purple on the inside? 173 00:08:44,168 --> 00:08:47,083 Honestly, I can't remember. But you know what? It doesn't matter. 174 00:08:47,168 --> 00:08:50,583 Because from now on, every time I think of Jack, I'll think of you. 175 00:08:54,876 --> 00:08:56,958 So, we should get back to it. 176 00:08:57,043 --> 00:08:58,833 Yeah. Yeah, we should get back to it. 177 00:08:59,583 --> 00:09:02,251 [electrical buzzing] 178 00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:04,501 Comfortable? 179 00:09:04,584 --> 00:09:06,459 -No. -Good. 180 00:09:07,126 --> 00:09:10,001 -Barry, is this really necessary? -I'll be asking the questions. 181 00:09:10,084 --> 00:09:10,959 Starting with this. 182 00:09:11,043 --> 00:09:14,209 You recognize the individual being represented in this picture? 183 00:09:14,293 --> 00:09:18,834 It's your dog, Frank, in potato-head, which is, of course, despicable. 184 00:09:18,918 --> 00:09:22,751 And somehow that's not even close to the worst thing he's done. 185 00:09:22,834 --> 00:09:25,376 But it's not just him, is it Brenda? 186 00:09:25,459 --> 00:09:27,084 Nah, nah… [grunts] 187 00:09:27,168 --> 00:09:30,209 Might as well make yourself comfortable. We're gonna be here a while. 188 00:09:30,293 --> 00:09:31,376 Here's how it's gonna go. 189 00:09:31,459 --> 00:09:35,626 First, I'm gonna break you down, make you feel like you're… nothing. 190 00:09:35,708 --> 00:09:38,876 Then I'm going to win your trust back piece-by-piece. 191 00:09:38,958 --> 00:09:43,543 -Comfort you, until you finally confess… -We took the humey. I'm sorry! 192 00:09:43,626 --> 00:09:45,876 We never should have lied to you. You're our friend. 193 00:09:45,958 --> 00:09:48,208 -We just didn't think you'd understand. -I don't! 194 00:09:48,293 --> 00:09:50,168 I've never understood anything less. 195 00:09:50,251 --> 00:09:52,918 See? We thought we needed his help, but you were right. 196 00:09:53,001 --> 00:09:55,918 We're food and we can handle food problems on our own. 197 00:09:56,001 --> 00:09:58,583 By lying and committing high-speed tooth heists? 198 00:09:58,668 --> 00:10:00,793 That was Frank, to boost our chances of winning, 199 00:10:00,876 --> 00:10:02,418 which is the whole other problem. 200 00:10:02,501 --> 00:10:05,959 Our society is fucked. Everything's about teeth. 201 00:10:06,876 --> 00:10:08,501 I don't disagree with that. 202 00:10:08,584 --> 00:10:10,918 My entire task force is on the tooth take. 203 00:10:11,001 --> 00:10:14,709 That's why I want to start over, both as a bun and a society. 204 00:10:15,084 --> 00:10:18,418 We lost our way and no one's more lost than our little Frank. 205 00:10:19,418 --> 00:10:20,793 He's in deep, Barry. 206 00:10:20,876 --> 00:10:23,043 He's fallen under the humey's spell. 207 00:10:26,834 --> 00:10:29,543 -Aw, shit. -[Brenda whispers] What? What? 208 00:10:30,084 --> 00:10:31,668 Let's go break it. 209 00:10:32,458 --> 00:10:34,876 And with my No Chili Left Behind policy, 210 00:10:34,958 --> 00:10:38,833 every single bean will have a place to lay their head at night. 211 00:10:39,543 --> 00:10:43,583 I think someone just nabbed the highly coveted legume vote. 212 00:10:44,626 --> 00:10:47,958 There's just one last topic we haven't touched upon yet. 213 00:10:48,043 --> 00:10:49,543 How do you feel about humans? 214 00:10:49,626 --> 00:10:50,583 What? 215 00:10:50,668 --> 00:10:52,126 They might ask, right? 216 00:10:52,208 --> 00:10:54,793 I mean, you know, I… absolutely hate them. 217 00:10:54,876 --> 00:10:56,958 What do you hate about them? 218 00:10:57,043 --> 00:10:59,333 And remember, be specific. 219 00:10:59,418 --> 00:11:02,918 I hate their big ears that listen to my problems. 220 00:11:03,918 --> 00:11:07,959 I hate their blue eyes, that see things in myself. 221 00:11:08,626 --> 00:11:10,043 I can't… 222 00:11:10,126 --> 00:11:11,584 [Jack] Mm-hmm. What else? 223 00:11:11,668 --> 00:11:14,834 I hate how they make me feel smart and capable. 224 00:11:14,918 --> 00:11:17,209 -Go on. -I hate their mouths. 225 00:11:17,293 --> 00:11:21,251 They're big, wet, hot, circular mouths. 226 00:11:22,376 --> 00:11:24,001 [softly] Jack, what are we doing? 227 00:11:25,209 --> 00:11:29,751 ♪ I need you now ♪ 228 00:11:29,834 --> 00:11:36,168 ♪ More than words can say I need you now ♪ 229 00:11:36,833 --> 00:11:38,918 ♪ I've got to find a way ♪ 230 00:11:39,001 --> 00:11:42,668 ♪ I need you now ♪ 231 00:11:43,543 --> 00:11:46,043 ♪ Before I lose my mind ♪ 232 00:11:46,126 --> 00:11:52,208 ♪ I need you now ♪ 233 00:11:53,626 --> 00:11:56,293 [moaning] 234 00:11:57,876 --> 00:12:01,626 ♪ Oh-o-oh oh ♪ 235 00:12:07,168 --> 00:12:09,501 [Jack moans] 236 00:12:09,584 --> 00:12:11,209 [rock music continues] 237 00:12:14,251 --> 00:12:15,459 [Frank] Okay, I'm ready. 238 00:12:15,543 --> 00:12:17,751 Let's go. Back it in. Yep. 239 00:12:17,834 --> 00:12:21,834 Little to the left. Little to the right. That’s good. Line it up! Line it up! 240 00:12:21,918 --> 00:12:24,001 [Frank groans, grunting] 241 00:12:26,376 --> 00:12:28,584 [groaning] 242 00:12:31,501 --> 00:12:33,293 So, how's this supposed to work? 243 00:12:33,376 --> 00:12:35,126 Uh, I think we just have to list 244 00:12:35,208 --> 00:12:38,043 all the ways in which his addiction to the humey has hurt us. 245 00:12:38,126 --> 00:12:41,501 And then he needs to stop completely or risk losing us forever. 246 00:12:41,583 --> 00:12:43,876 It's gonna be hard. I'm still really pissed at him. 247 00:12:43,958 --> 00:12:46,083 Yeah, me too. But look we need to rise above that 248 00:12:46,168 --> 00:12:49,043 and let him know we're here for him. No matter… What the fuck?! 249 00:12:49,126 --> 00:12:51,751 -Brenda! Barry! -[moaning continues] 250 00:12:51,833 --> 00:12:55,126 No! Don’t look! This is… It’s not what you think! 251 00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:57,001 -Oh, God, what is that? -What the fuck?! 252 00:12:57,083 --> 00:12:59,293 Even if you did look, it's not what you thought! 253 00:12:59,376 --> 00:13:01,043 So, you're not fucking that humey? 254 00:13:01,126 --> 00:13:03,418 And he didn't just shoot a bunch of goo all over you? 255 00:13:03,501 --> 00:13:07,084 No! No, that's Mayo, I swear. Say hi, Mayo. 256 00:13:07,168 --> 00:13:09,084 [imitating voice] Hi, guys, it’s me, Scott Mayo! 257 00:13:09,168 --> 00:13:11,501 This is what I look like outside of the jar! 258 00:13:11,584 --> 00:13:14,126 Gross, gross! Oh, my God, stop that! 259 00:13:14,209 --> 00:13:16,418 That’s not Scott Mayo, you humey-fucker! 260 00:13:16,501 --> 00:13:19,168 -[normal] Shit, Jack, get us out of here. -You got it, baby. 261 00:13:21,084 --> 00:13:23,209 [Jack shouts, grunts] 262 00:13:23,293 --> 00:13:25,918 [suspenseful music] 263 00:13:26,001 --> 00:13:29,459 He wasn’t even in his cockpit when they ran off. Who was piloting who there? 264 00:13:29,543 --> 00:13:30,793 [Brenda sighs] 265 00:13:33,251 --> 00:13:35,543 [tender music] 266 00:13:38,793 --> 00:13:40,958 [panting] 267 00:13:46,458 --> 00:13:48,583 Oh, God! [gasps] 268 00:13:48,668 --> 00:13:51,083 Oh, fuck! I cannot believe that just happened! 269 00:13:51,168 --> 00:13:53,043 Dude, me too. That was crazy. 270 00:13:53,126 --> 00:13:55,668 -Like, I made love to a hot dog. -Not that! 271 00:13:55,751 --> 00:13:58,833 Brendan and Barry just caught me fucking you, dude. 272 00:13:58,918 --> 00:14:01,584 This is so fucked. I'm running for fucking leader. 273 00:14:01,668 --> 00:14:04,251 I do not need this shit. I do not need this. 274 00:14:04,334 --> 00:14:06,793 Frank, Frank, it's fine. Slow down. 275 00:14:06,876 --> 00:14:08,793 Okay, look me in the eye. 276 00:14:10,084 --> 00:14:13,001 Frank… what are we doin'? 277 00:14:13,084 --> 00:14:15,251 -[grunts] -Stop it, dude! No! 278 00:14:15,334 --> 00:14:18,293 I need to focus! The debate, it's like, right now. 279 00:14:18,376 --> 00:14:21,126 I'll tell you what's not up for debate: How fucking hot you are. 280 00:14:21,209 --> 00:14:24,834 Will you fucking cut it out? How am I supposed to take the stage with Brenda? 281 00:14:24,918 --> 00:14:27,043 -She fucking hates me so much. -It's not ideal, 282 00:14:27,126 --> 00:14:29,251 but a lot of presidents have had sex scandals. 283 00:14:29,334 --> 00:14:32,708 -In some cases, makes them more popular. -Did any of them get caught 284 00:14:32,793 --> 00:14:36,958 fucking a different species that is also their sworn enemy species? 285 00:14:37,043 --> 00:14:39,668 No. I guess that would be like a president getting caught 286 00:14:39,751 --> 00:14:44,043 fucking a bear, a shark, or something. No. But don't worry. You got this. 287 00:14:44,126 --> 00:14:47,126 -Stay wobbly! -Stay wobbly? Shut the fuck up, man. 288 00:14:47,208 --> 00:14:48,668 This is a fuckin' disaster. 289 00:14:49,208 --> 00:14:52,751 Sammy sells sesame seeds by the sesame seed store. 290 00:14:52,833 --> 00:14:54,958 Sammy sells… [screams] 291 00:14:55,918 --> 00:14:59,251 -I just got the latest Scallop poll. -Okay, okay. What did she say? 292 00:14:59,333 --> 00:15:03,001 That Frank and Brenda have pulled ahead. I stand to lose everything. 293 00:15:03,084 --> 00:15:05,084 Oh, well, that's a shame. 294 00:15:05,168 --> 00:15:08,126 Which means you stand to lose everything. 295 00:15:08,209 --> 00:15:12,334 What? Jesus! But I, ya know, I just got accustomed, 296 00:15:12,418 --> 00:15:14,793 you know, to having everything! 297 00:15:14,876 --> 00:15:17,793 Then you know what you have to do. Pull out all the stops! 298 00:15:17,876 --> 00:15:21,209 Anything you can do as host to make me look good and them look bad. 299 00:15:21,293 --> 00:15:24,626 I've come too fucking far to lose everything now. 300 00:15:25,959 --> 00:15:27,793 I need you to bury them. 301 00:15:29,334 --> 00:15:30,501 [sighs] 302 00:15:31,209 --> 00:15:33,458 Welcome and good evening. 303 00:15:33,543 --> 00:15:37,376 Tonight, we crown Foodtopia's next top leader. 304 00:15:37,458 --> 00:15:40,083 [cheering and applause] 305 00:15:41,543 --> 00:15:43,668 The rules for tonight are simple. 306 00:15:43,751 --> 00:15:47,793 I'm going to ask hard, penetrating questions to each of the candidates. 307 00:15:47,876 --> 00:15:51,751 And all you have to do is stand in front of the food that you want to vote for. 308 00:15:51,833 --> 00:15:53,418 Got it? Okay, great! 309 00:15:53,501 --> 00:15:57,001 Now, please welcome your first candidate, the orange, Julius. 310 00:15:57,083 --> 00:16:00,751 -[cheering and applause] -[upbeat rap music] 311 00:16:11,043 --> 00:16:12,126 [Frank] Brenda, hey. 312 00:16:12,209 --> 00:16:15,001 Okay, first let me just say about what you may be thinking… 313 00:16:15,084 --> 00:16:18,459 Don't fucking talk to me, you humey goo-gobbling traitor. 314 00:16:18,543 --> 00:16:21,459 We need to talk considering we’re about to take the stage together. 315 00:16:21,543 --> 00:16:23,459 [rap music continues] 316 00:16:25,168 --> 00:16:26,584 And his opponents, Frank and Brenda. 317 00:16:26,668 --> 00:16:29,418 -[Brenda gasps] -[scattered cheering and applause] 318 00:16:30,626 --> 00:16:32,333 [silence] 319 00:16:33,751 --> 00:16:35,833 What the hell? Why didn't we get a cool intro? 320 00:16:35,918 --> 00:16:39,668 Hey, I'll ask the questions around here, and the first one is a doozy. 321 00:16:39,751 --> 00:16:42,793 Frank and Brenda, a lot of foods have been referring to you, 322 00:16:42,876 --> 00:16:46,501 and I quote, as "liars, schemers, cheaters." 323 00:16:46,583 --> 00:16:50,958 Unlike Julius, who has been described as fair, sweet, Rubenesque… 324 00:16:51,043 --> 00:16:53,833 I don't know what bullshit this is, but I have an announcement. 325 00:16:53,918 --> 00:16:55,708 I am no longer running for leader… 326 00:16:55,793 --> 00:16:57,043 [crowd gasps] 327 00:16:57,126 --> 00:16:58,958 -…with Frank. -[more gasping] 328 00:16:59,043 --> 00:17:01,959 I'm running on my own. Someone bring me a shot glass. 329 00:17:03,376 --> 00:17:07,168 Whoo! Go Brenda! New candidate! New line! 330 00:17:07,251 --> 00:17:10,418 My ex-running-mate Frank is a dirty dog. 331 00:17:10,501 --> 00:17:14,208 Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. He's a dirty, dirty dog. 332 00:17:14,293 --> 00:17:16,418 And it has become very apparent 333 00:17:16,876 --> 00:17:19,876 that Frank and I do not value the same things anymore. 334 00:17:19,958 --> 00:17:23,918 -Most notably, Frank… -No, no, please don't tell them I fucked… 335 00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:27,543 He wants to work within this system, 336 00:17:27,626 --> 00:17:30,584 but I see a tooth gap that's widening every day. 337 00:17:32,918 --> 00:17:36,376 He thinks the solution is to give teeth from rich foods to poor foods. 338 00:17:36,459 --> 00:17:41,959 But I say… [inhales] we get rid of teeth altogether. 339 00:17:42,709 --> 00:17:44,584 -[gasps] -[crowd silence] 340 00:17:46,293 --> 00:17:49,626 -Brenda, what are you doing? -We should be sharing everything. 341 00:17:49,709 --> 00:17:51,959 [crowd chatters] 342 00:17:52,043 --> 00:17:55,584 Okay. There will be time later on for wild, unpopular rants. 343 00:17:55,668 --> 00:17:58,501 -But let's get back to… -Hey, who owns that hot rod? 344 00:17:58,584 --> 00:18:01,293 -[bell dings] -No, you don't, 345 00:18:01,918 --> 00:18:05,543 'cause it would also belong to that Plum over there and that Box of Rigatoni! 346 00:18:05,626 --> 00:18:08,084 -Holy shit, I would own a car? -Yes. Yes. 347 00:18:08,168 --> 00:18:10,834 You'd own everything and nothing. 348 00:18:10,918 --> 00:18:17,626 See? Vote for me, and together, we will tear down the system! 349 00:18:17,709 --> 00:18:19,459 [silence] 350 00:18:19,543 --> 00:18:20,709 [coughs] 351 00:18:20,793 --> 00:18:23,668 What are you still doing in Frank's line? Get over here! 352 00:18:23,751 --> 00:18:25,043 [applause and cheering] 353 00:18:25,126 --> 00:18:27,626 Gee… [smooth voice] half of me wants to vote for Frank. 354 00:18:27,709 --> 00:18:30,084 [rough voice] The other half wants to vote for Brenda. 355 00:18:30,168 --> 00:18:33,168 -What do we do? I'm split. -They're splitting our vote. 356 00:18:33,251 --> 00:18:36,751 What did I tell you? Foods are scared of your radical bullshit. You're fucking us. 357 00:18:36,834 --> 00:18:39,709 You want to talk about fucking? 'Cause I can talk about fucking. 358 00:18:39,793 --> 00:18:42,043 That's okay. Forget what I said. Stick to the issues. 359 00:18:42,126 --> 00:18:44,376 Y'all want to hear something fucked up? 360 00:18:44,459 --> 00:18:47,584 Only the moderator is permitted to ask questions and… 361 00:18:49,584 --> 00:18:52,293 Please go back to that fucked up thing you were about to say? 362 00:18:52,376 --> 00:18:54,126 Frank fucked a humey! 363 00:18:54,209 --> 00:18:55,334 [crowd gasps] 364 00:18:55,418 --> 00:18:57,168 [dramatic music] 365 00:19:00,126 --> 00:19:02,418 Witness. Witness. Not to kink shame, 366 00:19:02,501 --> 00:19:04,793 but it was gross. I hated it. You should be ashamed. 367 00:19:04,876 --> 00:19:09,126 What? That… is… uh… preposterous. 368 00:19:09,209 --> 00:19:11,793 Uh, it's a lie. Here's what's happening. 369 00:19:11,876 --> 00:19:14,709 Uh, Brenda, see, she's losing 'cause of her shitty platform. 370 00:19:14,793 --> 00:19:19,876 And now she's resorting to baseless, insane accusations, 371 00:19:19,959 --> 00:19:21,543 which is easy to do. 372 00:19:21,626 --> 00:19:23,584 Watch this. Brenda fucked a brick. 373 00:19:23,668 --> 00:19:26,918 Better to fuck a brick than bear hugging a humey's funny leg 374 00:19:27,001 --> 00:19:29,251 until it glazes you with its funny juice. 375 00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:32,001 [crowd chatters] 376 00:19:34,293 --> 00:19:36,709 Where are you going? Come back. Please come back. 377 00:19:36,793 --> 00:19:40,418 I'm not a humey-fucker. I'm a food fucker. I'm serious. I'll fuck every one of you. 378 00:19:40,501 --> 00:19:43,918 -Just give me the chance! -And get that humey stank all over them? 379 00:19:44,001 --> 00:19:45,959 -No way! -Shut up, Brenda. 380 00:19:46,043 --> 00:19:47,418 Shut up, Frank! 381 00:19:47,501 --> 00:19:48,918 [angry grunting] 382 00:19:50,084 --> 00:19:52,876 So, you can throw your vote away on one of these two hot messes, 383 00:19:52,959 --> 00:19:55,293 or vote for me, Julius, baby! 384 00:19:55,376 --> 00:19:58,293 -Jam! Let’s run it back! -[rap music resumes] 385 00:20:00,918 --> 00:20:02,751 [crowd cheers] 386 00:20:02,834 --> 00:20:06,626 -No! Where are you going? We're viable! -We are still viable candidates! 387 00:20:06,709 --> 00:20:09,668 And on that note, which I would call a high C, 388 00:20:09,751 --> 00:20:13,126 the food had spoken and by an overwhelming majority. 389 00:20:13,209 --> 00:20:17,626 Your new leader of Foodtopia is everybody's favorite orange, 390 00:20:17,709 --> 00:20:18,668 Julius! 391 00:20:18,751 --> 00:20:21,126 -[cheering] -[fireworks exploding] 392 00:20:22,501 --> 00:20:24,501 [Julius] I'm here for you! Yes! 393 00:20:24,584 --> 00:20:27,751 I am a food of the food! 394 00:20:27,834 --> 00:20:31,543 -For the food and by the food! -Wait for me. 395 00:20:31,626 --> 00:20:34,459 [Veiner Hotzdog] Loss, despair, tragedy. 396 00:20:34,543 --> 00:20:37,084 A power couple falls apart at the seams. 397 00:20:37,168 --> 00:20:42,418 And with this, the very social fabric of Foodtopia unspools. 398 00:20:44,459 --> 00:20:46,209 Shut the fuck up, Veiner. 399 00:20:46,293 --> 00:20:49,876 [dramatic music]