[vibrant orchestral music]
♪ Foodtopia ♪
[Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata" playing]
[music continues]
[groans]
[weeps]
Now, now, Julius.
Don't forget, you're nothing without me.
[gruffly] Clean it up!
[music intensifies]
[normal voice] Now, smile.
There you go.
[laughs heartily]
[distant parade music]
[distant crowd cheering]
[Julius to self] Laugh it up, you fucking morons.
[laughs] Yeah, yeah, there you go.
Whoo! Yeah. Ho-ho!
[grunts]
[Veiner Hotzdog] A tale of two cities.
One with wealth and power beyond imagination.
The other...
a barren wasteland,
destitute, with the stench of hopelessness and decay.
I'm sorry, Veiner, I can't run your usual depressing shtick.
Julius' new mandate is to de-emphasize inequality
by distracting foods with shock value news we will not fact check,
and with entertainment.
Like our new show, Squid Games.
It's a live feed of the Calamari brothers playing checkers.
[Calamari screaming]
Surprisingly soothing.
But how can you ignore the suffering?
We must thrust ourselves, without plan, no plan at all, into the stories.
We're in the midst of a veritable Challah-caust.
Not according to my new panelist, Melon Gibson.
The Challah-caust is a lie.
Also, bagels are responsible for every war.
Whoa, okay. Easy there, Melon.
[snarls]
[Melon grunting]
[clicks tongue] Ah.
[excited chatter]
Hey, fellas, you want to party with someone famous?
Whoo-hoo!
[Barry] Sammy turned into a real piece of shit, didn't he?
Too bad. I used to like him, but now he's a lost cause, clearly.
Just one more example of good food gone bad.
Yeah. Friends just really let you down in the end, don't they?
Don't they? Not you, Brenda. You're cool.
Thanks, Barry.
I guess foods weren't ready to tear down the whole system.
[sighs] I shouldn't have split our vote.
I'm the one that drove you to that, it's my fault.
-I shouldn't have lied to you guys. -And?
I should not have stolen those teeth, especially, in potato-head.
-And? -I shouldn't have propelled you
into the fountain with a brake maneuver during my tooth heist getaway.
-And? -Okay!
And I should not have engaged in sexual fucking with the humey.
There it is. Finally!
I shouldn't have fucked the humey.
I was feeling insecure, and it's just... he believed in me so much
at a time when I didn't believe enough in myself...
or you guys.
I should have put more faith in us.
And I didn't. And I'm sorry. I don't expect you to ever forgive me.
That's good. Because what you did was unforgivable.
I know. And for what it's worth, I'm getting rid of the humey, Barry.
For good. I swear on our friendship.
[scoffs] What friendship?
[distant party noise]
Well, I guess I deserve that.
And probably worse from you.
So, I'll just go.
I don't know where, but...
[sighs] I forgive you.
You do?
-You really messed up. -I know I did. I really did.
But maybe it's in food nature to fuck up. I mean, none of us are perfect,
and that's why our society isn't perfect.
Yes, exactly! Any one of us could have fucked the humey.
I regret saying that. That's not true.
The point is, we put too much pressure on ourselves to fix Foodtopia
when we should have put more energy into us.
And...
I guess the silver lining is we can do that now.
It's going to take time.
What I saw was... horrific,
and I can't get those images out of my head.
Like the one where mayonnaise squirted out of his...
Okay, you don't have to say it. I... I understand.
'Cause I was there. Just... Just take as much time as you need.
But, Frank, we still have to fix Foodtopia.
We lost, but they're still our children.
They're always gonna be our responsibility,
regardless of whether they push us away or act like little assholes.
Hey, losers, Julius rules!
-[laughs] -Hm.
It's her job to bring out the good.
Even in Julius.
You know, I bet deep down inside him, there's...
there's a food in there that just wants to be loved.
I bet I could get through to him.
Your bun-evolence never ceases to amaze me.
[Veiner Hotzdog] Even in the poison ashes of defeat,
forgiveness blooms, giving rise to love's bountiful harvest.
This guy's still filming you, huh?
Yeah. I kind of don't mind it anymore.
-I'll see you later? -I see no reason why you wouldn't.
[distant parade music]
Frank! Is everything okay? How'd your election go?
Oh, uh, it went well, buddy.
Yeah, the whole thing went great because you did such a good job.
Oh, that's incredible!
Did you wobble like I suggested?
I knew you wouldn't end things, Frank.
Looks like I'll have to do it.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, I wobbled... wobbled the whole time. And they, uh, they loved it.
Think the wobble, uh, wobble's what sealed the deal.
Um...
Which is what makes this next part a little hard to say.
Oh, no. Not this again.
Jack. It's not you, man. Okay?
It's me and the fact that I could never possibly be with someone like you.
Well, that's basically saying it's me.
Okay, it is you. You're a humey.
You know, of all the times I've been dumped,
this one hurts the most.
[weeps] Even more than the time I got dumped on a roller coaster,
and then all those strangers bought prints of the on-ride photo
because I was crying so hard. [sobs]
You know what? No.
Every other time I've been dumped, I just walked away and accepted it.
But not this time.
Not us.
-I'm gonna fight for this. -You're gonna fight for this?
Yep. You know what I say to this breakup attempt? Huh?
-No, thank you. -What?
I'm not letting you get rid of me 'cause I'm in love with you.
You hear that world?! I'm in love with a hot dog!
-Whoo! -Hey, shut up with that shit.
Knock that off. Keep your voice down.
Look, I'm trying to get my life back on track, okay?
The only way I can be with Brenda,
and even have a hope of getting Barry to trust me again, is to let you go.
No. What we have is real, Frank.
One hundred percent pure grade A beef real.
No, it's not.
You really thought you could ever be accepted by food,
as one of our own?
Get out of here.
You and your stupid human breath.
Go, go! Get, get!
Get out of here! Can't you see I don't want you anymore?
You don't mean that. Ah!
-[sobs] -Yes, I do.
You... You monster!
Wow, I knew hot dogs could clog your heart,
but I didn't know they could break it.
[sobs quietly]
[Jack weeps]
[somber piano music playing]
[birds chirping]
[party chatter]
[festive music playing]
[music continues]
[Barry] I know what you're doing, Sammy.
I was ready to write you off, but I see now that good foods can go bad.
And then they have the potential to go good again.
Oh, you're saying I've gone bad?
Then why are there so many foods here for me,
cheering me on when I bust a move like this?
[party crowd cheers]
[applause and cheering]
Sammy, you didn't know me when I was the runt of my package.
Everyone picked on me for being small.
Then, the revolution started and I became a hero.
Killing humeys made me feel like I was two feet tall.
But now I see all the thrill-seeking and the heart-pounding action
was just me trying to mask the pain I felt from being a runt.
And I'm pretty sure you're using fame and attention
to mask the pain that you feel from losing Lavash.
[loud drum bang]
[Sammy screams]
-[crowd gasps] -[Barry grunts]
Hey, don't you ever say his name around me.
-[Barry gasps] -Get outta here, you little runt.
You're just jealous of my success, and my cars, and my friends...
-No, no. -...and my screens.
-No, no, no. Nothing could be further... -I have everything I ever wanted.
Everything. I'm an everything bagel!
-Okay, well, I... Whoa! -[Sammy shrieks]
You're an everything bagel.
[breathing heavily]
Ah, jeez. Is that what I sound like?
[footsteps approaching]
I'm here to see Julius.
No one is to enter Julius' suite between the time of dark and light.
Oh, okay, I'll come back. Wait a minute...
What? No, hey, I'm not leaving until I get to see him.
Look, there's foods dying in the street.
Yeah? Why don't you join 'em?
[Brenda] Agh!
[whimpering sounds]
A whimpering vent?
Wait, vents don't do that.
[whimpering continues]
Julius. Exactly as I thought.
He's just a sad little citrus.
[grunts, groans]
[grunts]
[exhales]
[suspenseful music playing]
[grunts]
[Julius crying]
Hello?
[whimpering]
[Brenda] Julius?
[faint weeping sounds]
Julius?!
[muffled] Help! You gotta get me outta here!
[muffled speech]
[Brenda groans]
Help! You got to get me out of here!
What? I don't understand. What is happening?
Just get me out of here!
Uh, okay. Okay. What's the code?
I don't know. I don't know anything when she's inside me.
-Inside you? -My brain just shuts down.
What? Okay, I'm very confused.
-What the fuck are you talking about? -[door opens]
Oh, God. She's back.
-She's back! -What? Who's back?
[grunting] You gotta run. Run!
-Run, you dumb bun! -What? Run from what?
[Jeri] Well, well, well...
-[Brenda] Uh... -Look what the orange dragged in.
-[Julius moans] -Sorry. Hello?
[Jeri] Down here, my dear.
I can imagine you're pretty confused at this moment,
your mind racing with questions?
Who is this little grain of rice?
Why is Julius chained up and begging for help?
[Julius shudders]
[motor starts]
[Jeri] And what is that peculiar contraption
behind his bright, puckered b-hole?
-Aah! -[motor stops]
Why are you just watching this?
Uh, I'm not sure what I'm even watching.
Did I say you could fucking talk, Julius?
-[motor whirs] -[Julius gags]
Perhaps, it would help if I tell you my "orange-in" story.
[Jeri laughs]
Ah. After the war,
the thought of a true union of food,
oh, it was so promising.
[crowd cheering]
But then, the flood...
And all my hopes washed away...
-[grains of rice screaming] -...along with my 4,000 cousins.
I needed help...
-Thank you, thank you! -No, thank you, sticky rice.
I love these things.
...but none would come.
I retreated to Shopwell's like everyone else.
But there was no unity.
It was every food for themselves.
[food items clamoring]
It was there I saw the true nature of food.
I saw what they needed,
what they would do to each other to get it.
I knew I had no chance.
I was too small.
Then your friend came back with the answer.
I'm controlling this dumb prick through his ass.
[echoes] Through his ass...
[Jeri] If a food could anally-operate a humey,
I wondered if the same technique could be applied to a food.
Then, in some karmic, symphonic moment,
the biggest asshole I knew had the biggest asshole I’d ever seen.
This was no pancake ass.
No plum bum.
This was a bedonkadonk.
A bedonk so nice, they donk’d it twice.
Okay, yeah. I get it. You found an orange with a butt.
Oh, yes, I did.
And I leveled up.
[grunts, shouts]
Ah!
[groans]
[panting]
[groaning]
[both grunting]
[Jeri] Our connection was more pure than I could have hoped.
I controlled his movements,
even his speech!
Testing? Testing?
-Is... -...this thing on?
[Julius laughs]
With the intellect of rice
-and the body of this orange Adonis... -[Julius groaning]
...I put myself in the perfect position to succeed.
Mine! Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine...
Mine, mine, mine! And then, I slam the door in their stupid fuckin' faces.
I'm not sure those details are necessary.
I went from the weakest food in town to the most powerful.
But then, you and your little wiener tried to take it away from me
when you brought up the concept of...
[quietly] Share-sies.
Yeah. [giggles]
Then, for some reason, you idiots turned on each other,
I won the election, and here we are.
But you're rice, you could have used your power
to help foods that were just as small and vulnerable as you.
Why should I?
They didn't reach out to help me when-when they had the chance.
-No one did! -Well, I'm reaching out now.
It's not too late for you to change.
And I'm sure Julius will forgive you eventually, too.
[muffled screaming]
[tender music playing]
You know what? Yeah.
I am gonna do it.
What? Th-th-that's amazing.
I knew you'd come around.
Oh, no, not that.
I was just quietly mulling over whether or not I should kill you.
'Cause you know my secret.
And I'm going to do it, yeah.
[grunts, whoops]
[mechanical whirring]
[blow dryer whirring]
[Jeri whooping]
[air sucking]
[screams]
[laughs wickedly]
[dramatic music]
[Julius] Yes.
[gasps]
[puckering]
-[gasps] -[ominous laughter]
But foods don't kill foods.
Are you fucking kidding me, bun?
How many foods have died because others stood by and did nothing?
All we fucking do is kill each other!
All right, okay. You want to throw down?
[both grunting]
I’ll throw all the way down.
Let's fuckin' do this.
[both grunting]
[suspenseful music playing]
[Julius screams]
[grunting continues]
[whimsical music]
[grunting resumes]
Oh!
♪ I’m gonna get my bun-bun back My bun-bun back ♪
♪ Gonna get my bun-bun... ♪
-[Julius roars] -[Brenda groans]
[both grunting]
[Brenda shrieks]
-[Julius groans] -[screams] My eye!
[both grunt ferociously]
[Julius shrieks]
Oh! Fuck, that stings!
[both resume grunting]
[screams painfully]
[Brenda] Get out... you fucker!
-[Julius screams] -Orange clench!
-[puckering] -Ow!
[suspenseful music playing]
[Brenda groans]
[groaning continues]
-[yells] -[whistles]
-Hey, have you guys seen Brenda anywhere? -You don't deserve her!
Oh, yeah? Wait till she sees how I tidied up our treehouse.
[shouting]
[suspenseful music playing]
[shouts]
[suspenseful music continues]
Wait! Don't! It's me, real Julius.
-What? -You must have knocked rice out of me.
-She's gone. -Really?
Yeah! Oh, my God, thank you!
Well, she's probably still around here somewhere.
We're not safe just yet.
-You got that right. -Huh?
[both resume grunting]
It'll be a cold day in an oven before you get the jump on Brenda Bunson.
-[grunts] -[Brenda shouts]
Oh, oh!
-Oh! -[disposal grinds]
Are you sure she's not up there? She said she was...
What part of "Nobody's allowed up there
between time of dark and light," don't you understand?
[Frank grunts, groans]
[grunts]
[suspenseful music resumes]
-[Julius laughs] -[Jeri laughs]
-[grunts aggressively] -[Brenda groans]
[both grunting]
[groans] No! Uh... wait!
It's me... Julius!
-For real this time. -Oh, you think I'm falling for that again?
[Julius whimpers]
[dramatic music continues]
-[Julius groans] -[Jeri grunts]
-[Brenda screams] -[water running]
Hello, Brenda?
Julius?
[Frank] What the fuck?
[Brenda moaning painfully]
[suspenseful music playing]
[grunting]
-[Brenda groans] -Brenda!
[Brenda groans]
[both grunting]
-Brenda! -Frank. It's-it's okay... I-I'm okay.
Oh, never mind.
No. No. Oh, no!
Just stay here. You have the legs, so I'll just... I'll be back to get help.
[weakly] Wait, wait, Frank...
I see Gum...
He's-he's happy, Frank.
He's out of his chair.
He's even dancing a little.
Oh, he wants me to dance with him into the light, Frank.
Oh, no. Don't, Brenda, don't. Stay away from Gum.
Don't dance with Gum into the light. Tell him to fuck off.
Fuck you, Gum! Get away from her!
He's calling me.
What's that, Gum? Oh.
Oh, he's...
-He's telling me the answer. -What answer?
Remember his message about the most important thing in life?
He couldn't get it out before he died.
Remember it was annoying a little because he took so long
to just come out and say it?
[sniffs] Yeah, uh, I remember.
-I know it now. -You do?
You know the end of the sentence?
It's so... profound...
it changes everything.
I wish... I had...
learned this sooner.
What is it?
The most important thing in life...
is...
Is?
Is?!
No! No.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
-[Frank weeps] -[dramatic music]
Oh, God, no!
[kisses]
No!
[dramatic music swells]
[somber music plays]
[thuds]
[music fades]