-[explosion] -[vibrant orchestral music]
♪ Foodtopia ♪
[dramatic music]
[indistinct grunting, muttering]
[foods grunt]
[Julius] We don't have much time!
If you're old enough to carry a utensil,
we need you on the front line!
I swore I'd never hold one of these again.
You prefer the tenderizer?
[babies crying]
[Iced Tea] How many food they got, Bar?
More than we can handle, Tea.
But it's not their food we need to worry about.
Affirmative. I suggest our main focus
should be murdering their humeys in the first degree.
If we're in a pinch, second degree.
Rutabaga's right. We'll take the fight to those gangly fucks.
Though their true weakness lies in the decrepitude of their putrid souls.
I suggest we aim for their beating hearts.
Copy that. Operation Heart Attack.
Even if we take their humeys out, we're still outnumbered by their food
a baker's dozen to one. No. There's only one way we win this war.
It's not by killing their humeys. It's by commandeering them.
-Man, no way! -We don't need 'em!
-Gobshite! -I understand your hesitation,
and what you were all able to accomplish here on your own
without humeys is remarkable. But I think the point Barry is trying to make…
should come from Barry.
Look, all I'm asking is that we weaponize their humeys, not live with them,
not make them work for us in town.
It wouldn't be right to you. It wouldn't be right to them.
As hard as it is for me to admit this, we are the same.
They think. They feel. They… love.
So let's band together as one, climb up inside their asses,
use their asses, respectfully, and set their asses free.
Okay, but listen up.
Breaking and entering into these cockpits isn't going to be easy.
Who wants to head up the division for anal intrusion?
[Julius] Kind of feel like I'm the one
with the most real world experience with this.
If you give me 12 of our most phallic shaped warriors, I'll get the job done.
We're going to need a distraction.
-[tapping] -[Sammy] And that's where I come in.
You see, entertainment is the ultimate distraction.
It's hard to concentrate on anything else when something like this is going on.
Hey! Ho!
He's right. I can't remember what I was even thinking about before this.
Look, my film might not have succeeded in, you know, ending conflict forever,
but I did pick up some nifty production tricks along the way.
Okay? A little sprinkle of fairy dust, you know, smoke and mirrors, if you will,
could give us the edge.
-[crowd] Yeah! Yeah! -All right, let's move out.
Frank, what are you going to do?
[breathes deeply] I'm going to make things right with Jack.
Okay. I meant like, war-wise, like all the stuff we've all been focusing on.
But, yeah, that does seem like something you need to do.
[Jack] Everyone excited for the big day?
I made a little pre-game snack.
Yeah, I cobbled them together from what was left in the cooler.
I tried to de-limb as many foods as I could,
but there may be a few gloves and shoes in there still.
Jalapeño Cheez Whiz fudge fritters,
otherwise known as Jack Balls.
They look like big chocolate turds.
Yeah, considering we're literally about to enter an all-you-can-eat war buffet,
-I think I'll pass. -Fine! Don't eat my Jack Balls!
It's not like I stayed up all night making them
hoping that you'd like them and you'll like me.
But it doesn't look like either of those things is going to happen.
So just forget it! Forget it!
Hey, no. We're going to eat them.
The Jack Balls look… good. Right, everybody?
[chewing, restrained disgust]
[mouth full] The chocolate really brings out the jalapeño and the Cheez Whiz.
[all groaning]
Thank you. I knew you'd like them.
[groans]
[grunts]
-[car unlocking beep] -[gasps]
-Well, hello, Jack. -Uh, hi.
Oh, there's no reason to be nervous. We just want to ask you some questions.
Firstly, how are things going between you and Jill?
And how would you feel if something bad happened to her? You know, because of you.
Huh?
[indistinct yelling]
[Sinead] Potatoes, locked and loaded.
Loaded potatoes. I like the sound of that.
At least we know their point of attack, right?
[Barry] Indeed. Good thing we didn't break back there.
-I see something! It's small! -[engine gets louder]
No, it's getting bigger. It's either growing or getting closer!
Here they come! Knives out!
Hold!
Now!
[war cries]
[scream of terror]
-[sounds of battle] -[foods screaming]
-[bottle breaks] -No, no, no, no, no!
[jelly donut screams]
[butter screams]
How the fuck did they find the secret entrance?
I'm sorry, Foodtopia, this is all my fault!
Run for your sweet and savory lives.
I've got two hoagies on my tail. I'm taking them out.
[Jack screams]
[whoops] How you like that, Jack? Feel alive, big stuff?
[yelling]
[grunting]
[screams of horror]
Brilliant idea, threatening to hurt Jill to get the intel.
Thank you, Sherman. And may I say, your eyes are looking extra perky today.
Thank you.
[screams of panic]
[“National Aerobic Championship Theme” by Ty Parr plays]
-Okay, guys!
-[screams] -[war cry]
[kiwi screams]
-[war cry] -[Melon grunts]
Melon, no!
[groans] You may take our lives, but you'll never take our freedom!
Oh, Melon… no.
Our freedom to discriminate against foods who aren't like us. [groans]
-Oh, Melon. No. -[council] Aye, aye!
Well, the council just voted in a new measure.
Whichever food kills Frank the traitor
will have our very own town square renamed after them.
-Let's take this baby to Mach 2. -But that's faster than the speed of…
[screams]
Jack! Jack, where are you? [grunting]
Jack! Jack!
[grunts] Jack! Thank God, I have so much I need to say to you.
Jack! No! Not Jack! Oh, shit! Fuck! Why is everyone coming after me?
[humans growl and grunt]
-[Benson] Frank! Now you're mine! -[yelps]
[pants heavily, gasps]
[devious laughter]
-[frustrated growls] -[sniffing]
[sniffs, gagging]
-Barry, they're all trying to kill me. -That's great.
[Frank] What? What the fuck?
[grunts]
Last looks. Rolling, rolling!
Hey, humeys!
-Huh? [growls] -You want Frank?
[winces]
-Come and get him, baby! -Fuck, man!
[yelps]
[suspenseful music playing]
More atmosphere. Pump the atmos!
Where did they…
-Whoo. -There! Vanillas in the mist!
-[Benson] Ow! Dammit! -[vanillas grunt]
Featured extras!
-Y'all want a piece of this ass? [laughs] -[frustrated growl]
Come and get it!
[laughs]
-[yelps in pain] -Fuck!
-[groans] -My tooth!
[Sammy] The stand-ins worked.
Art department, move in!
Couch potatoes, now!
[grunting]
-[grunts] -[Wilhelm scream]
That's right! How do you like them taters, boyo?
[groans] Curtis! Look out!
[Curtis and Lee grunt and groan]
[Lee] I'm sorry, Curtis!
[cackles]
-[yelps] -I'm flying blind! [grunts]
[groans]
-[human gasping] -Jack!
Jack!
[panting] Just hear me out! [gasps]
What started as a casual arrangement between us… [yelps]
became more than that!
Emotions got involved, I worked… [yelps]
-[laughs maniacally] Get back here! -[screams]
-[groaning] -No, no, no…! [yelps]
-[pained groans] -[computer] Warning. Warning.
Now!
[grunting]
You rotten tomato!
[groaning]
Not on my watch.
-[yells, grunts] -[Jill] Ha!
[grunts] Huh? No! [screams] Oh, my God!
[screams]
-[screams, gasping] -[slurping]
-[Iced Tea] Oh, shit! -[Jill battle cry]
-[Jack gasps] -[Maverick] It's not working! Screw it!
-Initiate safety lock counter measure 113. -[screams]
[Maverick yelps]
-[laughs] Bring it! -[Jack yelps in pain]
[grunts, groans of pain]
Ah! Easy on the clutch! God!
[yelling]
[Jack and Maverick groaning]
[yelling]
Whoo!
Ow!
[yelps]
Just let it happen.
-[strains] -Just let it happen.
That's it.
-[strains] -[gasps]
[yelps]
[exhales]
[groans]
Jack, it's me. I need to borrow your body, but only for a little…
-[yelps] -[Jill grunts]
I'm so sorry, honey pretzel, are you okay?
-[Jack] I can't tell, am I bleeding? -No!
[yelps, groans] No…!
[panting] Mr. Benson, please. You taught me to read!
[Jack yelling]
[Jill] I'm so sorry!
It is time, Barry. Are you ready to engage in mortal combat?
No, I mean, I'd rather not.
-Jill, look out! -[yelps]
[growls]
-[yelps] -[groans]
[Jill] Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
[grunting]
No, no! Ahh!
[Jack and Jill grunting]
[grunting continues]
Jack, protect your face more!
[Jack screams]
[Jack grunts]
[gasps]
No!
[gasps]
[Benson grunts] Get 'em!
-[strains] -This is the only way it could end, Barry.
[groans]
Dijon, please. If you ever cared about me, don't make me do this.
-Ferme ta bouche. -[yelps]
This is not, how you say, democracy.
You are a weapon. Nothing more.
[stomach rumbles]
[groans]
What is occurring?
[humans whimpering in pain]
You said there was no escape. Well, I found one.
The Jack Balls.
This way no one else has to die.
Humans or food.
Oh, no, no.
Oh, God, this is going to be bad.
[sounds of diarrhea]
-[pilot] Eject! Eject! -[pilots screaming]
-[humans whimpering] -[defecation sounds]
[pilot screaming]
-[pilots whimper] -Oh, my God. Are you okay?
We don't have much time, Jill. So I'll keep this brief.
Ever since I was a little boy,
I would have this recurring dream where I was all alone in a lighthouse.
No one was around for miles and miles. No ships, no fishermen.
This sounds potentially sweet, but very long.
With you, I don't feel alone anymore.
You're my lighthouse. You brighten my way,
and make sure I don't crash into the metaphorical rocks of life.
You're strong and sturdy,
and you don't need a lighthouse keeper to make you shine.
Merde!
Let's be free! Jeans and long hair!
Humans! To the recreational vehicle!
[humans groaning]
No, no!
They're trying to escape!
[Jack] Come on. This way.
Jack! Wait!
[foods yelling]
[foods screaming]
I know. I'm sorry.
I wanted to tell you guys that my Jack Balls were brimming with Ex-Lax,
-but I was worried that some of you might… -[grunts]
You're one crazy son of a bitch, Jack.
Thanks for giving us all diarrhea.
Now, let's get out of here.
Well, we tried. We're all dead.
Don't worry. I used to hotwire my uncle's combine harvester for fun.
Hopefully, this is similar.
[exhales]
Dijon. I'm done fighting you. Okay?
If you really want to kill me, just go ahead…
[yells] Fuck! What the fuck?!
You didn't just desert our town. You deserted me!
[suspenseful music playing]
[grunts] Did I mean nothing to you?
Are you kidding? I never met anyone who made me feel this good.
Ow! Fuck! Stop stabbing me! Fuck off! Ow!
-[foods clamoring] -Jack! Jack, can you hear me?
I have something really important I need to say to you!
[foods shouting]
[grunting]
Dijon, I had to leave. I couldn't let innocent foods die.
Look around at the spoils of your war.
See? Milk gurgling its last breath from my town…
-[gurgling] -…sounds the same as milk gurgling
their last breath from yours.
Mon dieu. I have spilled my last pint.
[Barry, weakly] Ah! Easy on the multiple stab wounds.
[truck revs]
-Got it purring. -[Sherman] Don't go!
-[screams] -[Sherman] Please don't go!
Stay! Stay and we'll show you leniency! We'll even up your caloric intake!
Reinstate Taco Tuesday! Someone else think of something!
[Sherman] Uh, how about pickleball league? We could start a pickleball league, uh…
[Jack] What the hell?!
[suspenseful music playing]
[gasping]
[screaming]
[grunts, yelps]
Ah, fuck.
[suspenseful music continues]
-[grunts] -[yelps]
Frank, you asshole, look what you've done!
What I've done? You're the one that started this crazy war. Let go of me!
Never!
-Ow! Why do you have to be so hardheaded? -[Trish laughs]
-[both grunt] -Stop fighting me!
What's wrong with you? We're all food, we're all the same!
You know how much smarter I am than you?
How can you possibly think we're the same?
Because we're both fuckin' nuts!
[grunts, gasps]
[Trish screams]
[screams]
The ayes have it.
We will catch our falling council memb… Oh! Shit.
[soft thud]
-[gasps] -[coughs]
Jesus. Thank God you don't have bones, are you okay?
-Yes! -[applause, cheering]
[dramatic music playing]
[Barry] Hey, guys.
Hey, I don't think you've ever been introduced in a non-torture setting.
-This is Dijon, my, uh… -Warrior princess.
She sure is. What'd I miss, what are we all looking at? What's going on?
Barry, did you not notice the giant metal bird that just swooped down
and stole all the humans?
-[helicopter blades whirring] -Look at that.
Hey, did you… did you make things right with Jack?
I hope so.
[Jamie] There's foods out there sophisticated enough
to pilot a UH-60 Black Hawk?
I'd be crapping myself right now if there was any left in my system.
[dramatic music playing]
[vehicle thuds]
[helicopter flies off]
It's okay. You're safe now.
The food rations we have here can't hurt you.
You must be Jack.
[chuckles] You've got a lot of fans here.
I do? Yeah, I think you must be talking about another Jack.
You've been through quite a lot.
We've been watching your every move via satellite.
Every move? Even when Frank and I…
Every move. I've never seen a human honeypot a hot dog so effectively.
If we get out of this, you'll be teaching lectures on it at West Point. Follow me.
When the food revolution broke out, our armed forces were woefully unprepared.
We had our eyes on the sky,
monitoring UFOs and Chinese weather balloons.
Little did we know, the real enemy was in our bakeries,
our ice cream parlors, in our very own fridges.
The brave men and women you see on this base are all that's left.
Jeez, that's not a lot.
Well, thanks to your presence, we have ten more.
The tide is finally turning.
-Really? Just because you have us? -No.
-[beeping] -Because we have this.
[indistinct murmurs]
-It's… incredible! How did you do this? -No. That's a Keurig.
The secret weapon is that giant object on the other side of the blast shield.
Oh, yes, yes… That's incredible, too.
[Owens] Once we unleash this on foodkind,
they're going to wish they were never grown, processed, packaged,
or sold in bulk.
Welcome to the US military.
Hoo-rah?
[triumphant music plays]