The cicadas buzzed as Mama Tess scrubbed my shoulders.
I watched the dirty water run over cuts and scrapes
on my weary ebony skin.
I thought of the scars on Mama Tess's back-"
Okay, David.
Why don't we stop there?
What? I just started.
I know I just...
I'm not sure it's appropriate for you
to be writing in the voice of a young slave girl.
But I did a ton of research.
I've been working on this for months.
I'm sorry,
I just don't think this is your story to tell.
I mean... I wouldn't play her in the movie.
Alright, why don't we stop here for the day?
Oh, and some exciting news,
Yael Golding will be attending next week's reading.
Yael Golding!?
She's like my favorite living author!
And now I've got nothing!
Oh, Robert Louis Stevenson wrote
Jekyll and Hyde in three days.
I'm sure you'll come up with something.
Ugh.
[construction sounds]
Gah!
Yo, looks like they're finally replacing the uh...
the infrastructure pipes.
- You excited? - No.
I've got three days to write a masterpiece from scratch
but it's impossible with all this racket!
You know David,
if you're looking for a
nice quiet place to work,
my Uncle Kenny's actually got a nice little cabin
up in the Poconos.
You're totally welcome to go up there for the weekend.
Oh, thanks, but I just wouldn't want to,
you know, impose on your Uncle...
Nah it's all good don't worry about it he's dead.
Ah. I'm s-- what?
I'm telling you you're gonna love this place dude.
It's nice and secluded,
you got the pine trees everywhere,
you got the rustic charm...
And it's not like some Hoagies
"Deliverance" type thing up there?
Nah, nah, nah my inbred cousins,
they live in the Pine Barrens.
Ah.
[adventure music]
Ugh.
Hm... not too shabby, Mark...
Alright. Here we go... just let it flow.
[Tammy and Mark outside] Oh this place is cute, Mark!
What with the logs and all,
- I love it. - I know! It's classic, right?
You've gotta be kidding me...
[♪]
♪ Well, I used to work at a hot dog factory. ♪
♪ Until them robots came along. ♪
♪ And now there is no job for me ♪
♪ But I get 3,000 bucks a month ♪
♪ Thanks to UBI
♪ Now we're Universal Basic Guys. ♪
♪ It may not sound like much. ♪
♪ But we're still gonna try ♪
♪ We're just Universal Basic Guys ♪
Yo that spot right there is where the gerbil exploded!
- Oh...
Oh man we got so many memories here.
I can't wait for you guys to experience all the traditions.
Ooh maybe we can go snowshoeing...
Okay well hold on there's like a whole itinerary here Tam.
Yo Jinglebells!
You finish your book?
I've been here thirty minutes...
I didn't realize you were also gonna be here.
Ah you know it baby!
So you excited for the classic Mark Hoagies Poconos Weekend?
What? No. I came here to write.
Exactly.
We're gonna give you a ton of material.
We're a buncha goofballs.
- Yeah that's not what I- - Ah don't worry, David.
We'll be out of your hair and on the slopes.
Ah okay,
so you're gonna be skiing the whole weekend?
I'll be skiing.
Mark and Hank are going sledding.
Uh, snow tubing! Totally different.
Come on. Snow tubing is just for people who can't ski.
Woah woah woah.
I know how to ski, okay.
I just prefer snow tubing.
Mark gets a little insecure that his wife does black diamonds
while he's on the bunny slopes.
Aw that's ridiculous.
Snow tubing is a Hoagies Poconos tradition!
Okay great.
Well Darren and I are going skiing,
maybe get some hot chocolate...
Mom, I said I don't want to go skiing.
Hell yeah. Team tubing. Let's go Dar!
Uh... no I'm not tubing either.
Oh come on Darren. What kid doesn't want to go
super fast down a mountain
in an inner tube?
Do you like consciously make an effort
to not know anything about me?
- Please go Darren.
[loud game]
Oooh you're an ugly one. You're an ugly one.
Come and get it. Ooh, eat it!
Yeah you like that!? Bee-yotch!
Fricken skiing elitist Tammy wants to belittle
a time-honored Hoagies tradition like snow tubing?
Pfft, wait until we tell her we did a double black diamond.
Uh... you sure about this Mark?
Uh yes, Hank.
If anything this is probably safer.
I mean you're in an inflated tube.
You're basically riding an airbag down the mountain.
Excuse me?
- What's up chief?
No inner tubes on the ski slopes.
Okay well that's discrimination.
How is that discrimination?
The mountain is for everyone,
it shouldn't matter what equipment we choose to love,
we all share the same gravity.
- Enough.
If we hit a tree, do we not bleed?
Can I get security to the top of Pine Run?
Hank! Go go go go go!!!
Here we go duuuuuude.
Cancel that. Can I get the coroner
to the bottom of Pine Run?
[relaxing music]
[sigh] Mmm.
[crash!]
Oh my god! The hell!?
Nailed it.
[loud game]
Yes?
Uh, would you mind putting headphones on?
Why?
Well, it's a little hard to write with you
blasting this active shooter game or whatever this is.
It's a zombie game, David.
Well can't you play Sudoku or something?
Thank you.
[sigh]
[voices downstairs] No Tammy!
[voices downstairs]] What it is, is discrimination.
We should be filing a lawsuit against them!
No! Come onnnn.
Stupid idea to come here, so stupid.
Hey, there David.
You wanna play some games with us?
No.
What happened to ski tubing?
Oh,
Shaun White Hoagies over there got us banned.
Well maybe there's another mountain that's like...
open all night.
Nah. Storm's already started.
Wait... storm!?
Oh no.
No! Ughhhh.
Okay,
let the Board Game Olympics begin!
Hank, hit it.
[loud air horn]
Do I have to do this?
Darren you know, I was really hoping to make
one of those viral videos where the stepdad surprises the kid
with adoption papers but first
I'm gonna need you to at least try and make an effort here.
I'm going upstairs.
Oh c'mon, Dar.
Why don't we play something together.
I don't want to play with you guys.
You just end up arguing the whole time.
Oh that's not true. We're having fun!
Right, Mark?
100%. In fact, it's time for our first event:
Extreme Ball Blasters.
That's not a board game. That's a toy.
What are you talking about!? It's a game and there's a board.
You just shoot metal balls at each other! -See?
Alright alright fine, okay. We'll skip to the second event:
Wienerland.
Oh hell yeah.
Oh come on. That game is all luck.
Ooh that's not true, Tam. You gotta know all the colors.
Why can't we just play a mature board game,
like Scrabble here?
Tam nobody here plays that. That's like decoration.
Yeah right. You're just saying that
'cause I'm gonna mop the floor with yous.
Where's all the letter tiles?
Oh Hank flushed them down the toilet years ago.
Why on Earth would you do that Hank?
Oh I was trying to send a message to the Ninja Turtles.
Uh huh...
Well there's gotta be some good board games somewhere.
I'm gonna check the cellar.
I wouldn't do that, Tam.
What do you mean? Why not?
It's just... you know... we...
we don't really go in the cellar.
It's kind of a house rule.
Since when do you care about rules?
Well there's just certain important rules
that we respect and one of them is, you know:
we do “not ” go in the creepy cellar.
Are you scared of the cellar?
Oh get outta here. That's ridiculous.
- Afraid of the cellar-- - Oh my god. You are.
You so are.
Well I'm going down there.
[door creaks]
[scary music]
"Witch Trials."
Oooh. Baby.
Look what I found. Hehehe.
Absolutely not.
Hard no!
Ooh that's the forbidden game.
- The forbidden game?
Uncle Kenny was very clear:
we're not allowed to play that.
You do realize you're adults now.
Okay I gotta be honest, Tam.
You're really throwing off the vibes here.
I'm trying to show you and Darren
my most cherished family traditions
and you're just fully going rogue.
Mark, not everyone has fun the same way you do.
God forbid we do something I wanna do.
Oh boy. Here we go.
Uh, what's goin on?
What the hell?
Woah.
Woah there.
Welcome... to the witch trials!
- What? - Oh my God.
Welp. Great job, Tam.
Now we've got a fricken Jumanji situation.
Yo,
is this like some sort of immersive AR thing?
Nah nah Dar, this is an old-school,
classic magical game.
You see back in the old days,
if you wanted to have an immersive experience,
you had to play a magical forbidden game.
Uh, did you know this was gonna happen?
Pfft I mean I had an idea...
Why didn't you say something!?
Tammy, it's a creepy game
in my creepy uncle's creepy cellar.
The hell did you think was gonna happen?
Not this!?
Well, you should have stuck to the itinerary.
Your attention, please as I explain the rules.
You have one simple objective.
These four women are on trial for witchcraft.
Your team must decide which... is the witch!
I mean I think I've got a pretty good idea here.
You're going down, Tam.
Hah, no chance.
You forget I got a PhD in true crime.
In order to determine who the witch is
you'll need to question various townspeople.
Ugh! Skip. Skip.
Is there a skip button?
Knock it off, will ya?
You only get five questions per turn,
so consult with your teammates...
Okay and I'm out.
Oh come on, Dar.
The guy said it's a team strategy game.
We can't agree on anything.
It's hopeless.
Therefore, I forfeit. Ah!
There's no quitting in a game of life or death.
MWUHAHAHAH!
Life or death!?
[bang, bang!]
Uh... Mark? Are we expecting someone?
Hank, get the door, please.
Hello, there. I live next door, I thought I'd pop on over,
see if you wanted me to plow your driveway.
Ooooh. Are you playing one of Kenny's magical games!?
I always wanted to play but he'd never let me.
Oh, well you should come play.
Oh thanks!
What's the game?
It's real easy. You just gotta like
figure out which one's the witch or something.
Oh... I bet it's the black girl.
Okay, that's a little racist.
Is that your official accusation?
Eh, sure.
Incorrect!
Arrrrrghhhhhhh!
Yo, what?
Oh. My. God.
He's...
he's gonna respawn, right?
Shouldn't have skipped the rules.
Only the Jury Foreman can make official accusations.
Who's the jury foreman?
You!
Okay I'll admit.
Got Darren in the old timey wig there.
That's pretty funny.
Mark! We need to take this seriously!
Don't look at me, I mean you're the one
who haaaad to play the fricken forbidden game.
I warned you dude.
Ugh.
Woah...
uh..okay. Are you a ghost?
Am I having a stroke?
Is this like a Shining thing?
No. I just want to explore a bit
before I get sucked back into the game again.
Okay... so I am hallucinating.
Oh man.
I have such a low reishi tolerance.
So why aren't you out there playing the game?
Well I have to write a novella from scratch in three days
which is why I came up here in the first place,
so I could be alone
and of course the fricken idiot brigade
just shows up and I can't focus.
Why is God so mean to me?!
Sounds rough.
Ugh. You don't even know the half of it.
Anyway, what's your deal?
I'm a slave.
Oh.
Uh,
sorry to hear that...
So you're a writer?
I actually taught myself how to read.
That's why everyone in the village thinks I'm a witch.
Interesting...
you know, I'd actually be curious
to get your thoughts on something...
I think you're gonna like it.
Okay, big money, big money no whammies.
Boom!
You may ask the reverend five questions.
Okay. Watch and learn.
Hun, remember, we're a team.
How we doin' pal?
Fine.
Can I ask you a question?
Sure.
Three questions remaining.
Stop wasting questions!
Okay level with me here, Father.
Yo she's a witch, right?
Probably.
Boom. There it is.
He could be lying!
You're not lying to me, are you pal?
No. I'm a man of god.
Great, Tam. Now I look like a jerk.
One more question.
Mark! Consult with your teammates.
Trust me Tam,
she's gotta be the witch. I mean the warts,
the big nose. Look at that.
That's like a classic witch right there okay?
I'd like to solve the puzzle!
Stop rushing.
We just watched a guy burn to death.
Well, maybe he'd be alive
if we played Ball Blasters, okay? Just sayin'.
Would you just ask him if he's seen anything suspicious.
Tammy, you know,
you've already hijacked our classic Poconos weekend
and now you won't even let me do my turn.
I will ask the questions, thank you very much.
Father, let me ask you. Uh...
you seen anything suspicious, or?
Indeed.
I witnessed Eleanor over there in the parish kitchen
sprinkling eye of newt into a cauldron.
Okay now that's a twist.
You got the fricken lizard eyeballs?
Yo that's a classic witch thing. It's gotta be the nun.
[sniffs]
Mark, this ain't newt eyes.
It's mustard seed.
That's what they used to call it back in the day.
I mean witches eat mustard too, Tam.
I'm gonna be honest, David.
I can't even make it through this.
What? Why not!? I did tons of research!
Did you get to the part about Osnaburg fabric?
I did yeah. That's definitely what we wear.
Yes indeed.
So, would you say it's authentic?
I guess.
Haha! I did it!
Suck it, writers group!
Edith?
Okay, Mr. Blacksmith,
have you ever seen any of these girls doing anything strange?
Indeed.
The other day I saw Agnes behind the stables,
kissing... a girl.
Ohhh boy, that chick's definitely the witch.
Kissing girls? I mean that's “Classic ”
sexy witch stuff right there.
It's just like that movie with Bette Midler
where they all make out.
What version of Hocus Pocus did you watch?
I don't know what that is.
Three questions remaining.
Ugh, Mark!
Would you stop messin' up my turn?
Okay, Mr. Blacksmith,
have you ever seen Margaret do anything strange?
Never seen anything myself,
but you know she's always in a rotten mood.
Yelling at her husband and what not.
[cackling]
Ohh yeah, that's a witch alright!
Can you tell me more about Margaret's husband?
Oh, he's a real piece of work.
Always running off doing crazy things with his brother,
the village idiot. Heard he commandeered a horse
and tried to make it do some sort of backflip maneuver.
Said it was his "signature move."
Guy sounds pretty cool actually.
Yeah.
Did this husband of hers ever check with his wife
before he did these things?
Nope.
That was your final question.
Dammit, Tam.
Hell yeah. Fourteen.
You have rolled a 12.
You have 60 seconds to question the Baker.
Oooh what's that? Some kind of witch goo?
Ooh good catch, dude.
It's dough.
Oh my god. Hank! C'mon.
So you're telling me that blob right there
is gonna become bread?
Yes.
Man. How far in the future do you live?
Actually this game takes place 300 years in the past.
Whoa. Now that's a twist.
Two questions remaining.
Hank, let's work as a team here.
Okay. What should I ask?
You should ask about the spell Agnes cast on my bread.
Oh. Okay uh...
so what kind of spell did Agnes cast on your bread?
One day I caught her speaking in tongues.
And it turned out she turned all my bread into crackers!
Uh, witch alert!
We're dead.
It's time to make your final accusation.
You have two minutes to deliberate.
The foreman makes the final decision.
Choose carefully...
or die!
Muahahaha!
Oh no.
Oh there you are! Um...
Can you just do me a quick favor?
Can I just get a quick video of you saying
that you found my novel like super authentic
and powerful or whatever?
Okay go.
Uh...
Wait what the hell?
Why aren't you showing up on here?!
Damnit!
I forgot you're just a fricken figment of my imagination.
Ugh. Ugh. I'm screwed.
I'm screwed!!!
Alright team listen up,
so they're obviously all witches. We agree.
Let's do this. We're ready.
Mark, no.
Tam You gotta trust me on this one.
I got great witch-dar.
When I watched Wizard of Oz for the first time,
I knew exactly who the witch was.
I called it right off the bat.
Uh her name was "The Wicked Witch of the West."
Yeah but also the socks.
I mean come on. Tam, I know witches. Okay,
I got witches in my family!
Mark I think it's pretty obvious
that the whole point of this game is that
there are No Real Witches!
It was just a bunch of ignorant, fearful people
making baseless accusations.
So how do you square that with the fact that
all these women are obviously witches!?
They're not witches!
Eleanor was just making mustard and Agnes is gay.
Yeah, but what about the bread spell?
Speaking in tongues? Turning bread into crackers?
She's Jewish, Hank.
Time's almost up.
Tam, how are you gonna tell me
that the fricken one with the warts is not a witch?
I mean look, she's a classic fricken witch right there.
Oh come on. She's obviously not a witch!
She's just frustrated with her husband's reckless antics.
Oh come on Tam that's ridiculous.
Stop! Stop!
I'm sick of you both arguing all the time.
Thirty seconds remaining...
Darren, now's not the time to get into this--
No. It's exactly the time to get into this
because if you would both would just listen to each other,
you could figure it out.
I'm actually an excellent listener.
I listen very long-form podcasts occasionally.
You think they're literally all witches
when Mom clearly showed you the evidence was bad.
Exactly. None of 'em are witches.
Tell 'em Dar.
No. You're wrong, mom.
What are you talking about!? You said it yourself.
There's no witches. There's no magic!
Except there is magic!
It's literally a magical game.
Which means it was made by a witch.
5...4...
- 3... - I'm ready to make my
- 2... - my final accusation:
- 1... - the witch is...
“Margaret! ”
- Oh jeez... - Woah.
What?! No! Dar what are you doing--
That is...
correct!
Margaret? The classic witch?
Uh... who would make a game that stupid!
It was made by Hoagies!
The game can definately be that stupid.
Oh my god. - Oh yeah?
How about that?
That's my great great Aunt Margaret.
Yeah, apparently she was a witch or something.
Mom, you were so busy
trying to figure everything out yourself,
you weren't listening when Mark literally said
he had witches in his family.
Huh.
Yo. Looks like we got a regular
Encyclopedia Brown over here.
Well done, children.
Why in the hell would you make a game
that could kill your descendants?
The game was meant to keep curious,
naughty little children out of my workshop.
Luckily, you're a good team...
well except for that guy over there.
Alright, well,
back to the spirit world we go!
[cackling!]
Go birds!
I've got nothing!
I have a once-in-a- lifetime chance
to impress Yael fricken Golding
and I've got nothing!
Argh! Maybe Andrea is right.
I'm not a writer!
I should just go back to being a stupid lawyer
and stop this charade.
I don't even like writing!!
Uh, you okay, David?
Maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself.
Stop trying to write the next great American novel
and just write something fun.
Fun?
What does that even mean?
I don't know. Stop trying to impress people
and think of something that gets you excited.
And then just let it rip.
Oh my god,
did you see that?
His head freakin' exploded!
Hell yeah!
Edith?
Hehe, yo, we did it!
Well Tam, I gotta say,
that game was actually pretty fricken awesome.
Thanks, hun.
I guess when we listen to each other
we make a pretty good team.
Hey, we do make a pretty good team right...
wink wink...
You know,
I've got an idea for a new classic
Hoagies Poconos weekend activity if you know what I mean...
Ooh Wienerland?
You could say that.
Oh god, maybe I prefer you guys
not listening to each other.
Oh, Mark! This is so crazy!
Yeah!
I can't believe we're doing this in the bed Uncle Kenny died in.
Think of something that gets you excited.
Let it rip.
Uh-huh!
[fast typing]
Yes, yes.
I mean I do got witches in my family
you know what I mean?
Mark, I gotta say these are actually pretty good.
Yo I know right? Yeah the cheesesteak pancakes,
those are a classic Poconos Weekend tradition.
Yo, there he is! You finish?
Hahahaha. Yes, Mark.
So did we inspire any ideas?
Oh yes.
Very much so.
Awesome dude.
Oh and Darren, got a little surprise for you.
Uh... what are you doing Mark?
Why don't you call me Dad.
I'm gonna be your Dad now, buddy.
Nah... I'm good.
Love you too, son! He's getting emotional.
Didn't want it on camera, you know.
And now I'd like to welcome up... David!
Yo let's go, Jinglebells!
Let it rip, baby! Let's go!
The sharp smell of pine filled my nostrils
as I drove up the winding mountain
towards the estate.
On the radio, the news warned of a virus,
infecting the brains of people in the Philadelphia area.
He grunted in his stupid accent:
"Guys Day. Guys Day! That's classic."
I ripped the three-thousand dollar crossbow from his hands
and RAT-TAT-TAT,
lit him up like Boathouse Row.
Oh, god.
I jammed the frozen hot dogs through his eyes
and into his hollow skull.
...I admired their rotting corpses on the spiked fence
while I sipped my tea
and basked in the silence.
It's horrible. Just awful.
Incredible, David. That was great!
Yeah, you like that?
Nailed it, dude.
Let's get out of here.