[murmurs]
Hi, everybody. Thanks for coming to the
world premiere of my prestige documentary:
Universal Basic Guys.
[polite clapping] Thank you.
Thank you everyone.
It's always been my dream to
make award-winning documentaries.
I wanna give a quick shout out to my A.D.,
Jared Bouchard, who uh, was the first and only
person to respond to my Facebook post.
What a ride man! Love ya brotha!
Anyway, without further ado, I am thrilled
to finally share this passion project with you all.
Wooo! Let's go Jinglebells!
Yo, you're about to be married to a reality star, Tam.
We're gonna be the next "The Situation."
I just want to let everyone know,
this has not been vetted by Humantis'
legal team and will likely never be released.
Boooo!
Oh God! Jared! Come on!
Oh! Oh man! My uh, my b!
Wrong video. Haha. I'm so sorry.
Ah, there we go.
Enjoy!
♪ [Piano/Cello - documentary style] ♪
Crazy man. I did this walk every day, 15 years.
So what brought you back here today?
To reflect on the trauma of obsolescence?
Uh... you?
You said you wanted to film us going back to the factory.
Hank c'mon dude, you're not supposed to say that.
You can't break the fourth wall.
He's never, uh, he's never been on set before, so...
Yeah, so it's been, uh, two years
since we got laid off from the factory,
and so Humantis is throwing his big, uh,
reunion ceremony thing in a few weeks, so...
We thought we'd pop back in, s-- jus' kinda see what's going on.
Do a little reminiscing, a little reflecting, you know.
Aw, c'mon... Ah--
Guess they got the doors locked now, pfft.
Unbelievable.
You're supposed to pull.
Ohp. Okay yep. There we go.
They must have changed that since, uh... You know.
Man, it's like nothing's changed.
Except that everybody who works here is a robot now.
[TV] Humantis shares are up 12% in pre-market
trading after the company announced
its latest innovation... the AVIA-4,
a versatile automated humanoid robot
they claim will revolutionize manufacturing,
reducing labor costs by up to 90%.
Yeah, I mean I remember walking in and
you could just-- you could feel
it in the air. Something was off.
At first I thought it was "Bring Your Kid to Work Day"
and uh-- everybody had robot kids.
Everyone else was like, "Yo, this is awesome"
and I was like, "Nah dude, this is bad."
Oh we all knew this was bad. Except for Thumbhead Hoagies.
He kept grinning like an idiot and rubbing
his hands together, saying it was gonna be a "game changer."
So Big Mike gathered us for an emergency all hands.
I didn't know what was going on.
I was like, oh damn, he found my hentai folder.
Boss was like listen, I don't really need
people to run these machines,
and the bad news is, you guys are people.
And that was the end of that.
Did you feel bad about automating the
factory and laying off all your employees?
Oh yeah, I definitely lost some sleep over it.
Honestly, it was probably harder on me than it was on them.
Whoa. Is this the new hot dog taster?
Yep. I call him Hank 2.0.
It uses a wide-spectrum laser scanner,
50 times more sensitive than the human tongue.
Whoa.
Pfft. I mean obviously Hank is replaceable, but sales?
Nah that's all about people skills.
There's no way these droids have been hitting my numbers.
Pretty sure Big Mike regrets letting me go.
Mark? Ah, well I switched to online sales years ago.
I didn't even realize we still had a sales team.
I thought Mark worked in shipping.
Robots suck!
P-E-O-P-L-E people!
I mean yeah, everybody was pretty mad.
But Alfred was real mad.
Screw you Big Mike!
Screw Humantis!
Greedy corporate bastards!
If you had to describe Alfred Millings in one word...
Passionate.
Definitely passionate.
Hothead.
Angry drunk.
- Unstable. - Hot dog.
Nuts.
I mean that guy was straight-up nuts.
Good guy, though. Good guy.
Alright, here's the deal okay.
We are officially in "The Terminator."
It's man vs robots. Only one can survive.
So we gotta go back in time?
The hell are you talking about?
In Terminator, don't they send
Schwarzenegger back in time to protect
the kid from American History X?
No. That's Terminator 2.
In "The Terminator", they send Kyle Reese
back in time to protect Sarah Connor.
Schwarzenegger's the bad guy.
Yeah, the T-1000.
No, he's the T-800. Robert Patrick is the T-1000.
Would you all shut the hell up about the damn Terminator!
Time for action!
I'm going down there!
Uhhhh... what's he doing?
Alfred?!
[smash...crash]
Alfred! What are you doing, man?
Something I should have done a long time ago!
You think we're replaceable?! Replace this!
[operator] 9-1-1, what's your emergency?
No Hank, he's frickin' hot dogs!
Oh boy, that's not good.
Ay yo Hank, tell them I just got put in a ten pack.
To Alfred.
Rest in Bun, brother.
Hey, at least he died doing what he loved, y'know?
Making hot dogs.
Dude. Frickin' Alfred, man.
Miss him every day.
Didn't have to be this way.
Ya know, you got some nerve, Thumbhead.
Acting like you give a crap about Alfred.
Mary? I don't know what her deal is, man.
If I'm being honest, I think she's just a
little bitter because she's always
had a thing for me, y'know?
Alright, c'mon Mary, why you gotta
give me crap all the time?
Cause you got us all canned, Hoagies.
The hell you talking about?
You're the reason Big Mike automated the factory.
That's ridiculous, okay! You're nuts, Mary.
David showed us the tape.
Tape? What tape?
Ay yo, boss. You see these new Humantis robots?
Oh my god. Yo, they're unbelievable.
No, I haven't. Impressive.
Dude, I'm telling you, these things
are like the future of manufacturing.
Gonna be a total game changer.
You always gotta run your mouth, Hoagies.
Oh, please, okay. That's selective editing.
You cut it off right before I told him
how the robots can never replace people.
Dude they can do like, everything
people can do, but like 500 times better.
And you don't even have to pay 'em.
Well, if anything, y'know, I did
you guys a favor' 'cause, ya know,
we got UBI now. So... you guys should
be thanking me, to be honest!
Protests erupted today at the headquarters
of Humantis, after the tragic death of
Alfred Millings, the 39-year-old factory
worker who died Tuesday after falling into a meat grinder.
Friends say it was an act of protest
against the factory replacing its human workers with robots.
Yo, you guys suck!
You guys suck!
His name was Alfred!
That was when we realized, okay,
we've got a problem on our hands.
I'm Andrea Ito.
I oversee public relations at Humantis.
There was a small but vocal group of...
activists who tried to spin this
into some kind of a martyr situation.
- And what about the fact that your AVIA-4s
inspected the Alfred hot dogs and still
sent them down the line for packaging?
- Are you serious?
- Andrea, it's my job to ask difficult questions.
I have to be objective.
- Okay, well, it's my job that's funding your little movie.
I wanted to wait it out.
Humans tend to have a limited attention span.
But our PR team felt we should get in front of this.
- So what was your solution?
U.B.I.
Though Humantis was found in no way liable
for what happened... at the Glantontown
Hot Dog Factory, we recognize the impact our
revolutionary technologies have on the
workforce, as we transition toward an automated future.
Today, I'm proud to announce that
Humantis... in partnership with the township of
Glantontown, will be launching
an experimental UBI pilot program.
- Would you say the program has been a success?
Uh, from a public relations standpoint, yes.
It mitigated a lot of the initial backlash.
However, I remain agnostic as to
whether U.B.I can be a long-term solution.
- Mm. So what does that mean for the program?
I'm unsure.
I'll wait until the two-year reunion
to hear their personal accounts.
If I'm convinced it's made a meaningful
impact, I'll consider extending it.
- And if not?
Then I'll end the program.
This here are some of my rare comics.
I find a lot of inspiration and moral
perspective in our modern myths.
- Who are some of the superheroes that inspire you?
Hmm.
I would say Lex Luthor, The Maker, and Ozymandias.
- So what exactly are you hoping to see at
this reunion that would convince you to keep the program going?
I would like to see that the
money has been used productively.
- So how have you been using your UBI?
I was in a dark place after the layoffs.
But now I'm able to spend more time with my kids.
I'm actually coaching my son's little league team now...
And I'm training to be an EMT.
And was that something you've always been interested in?
Nah I just Googled "Jobs that are Safe from Automation."
I've actually been contributing a lot to the community.
- Oh, so like charity work?
Uh... more like online communities.
I make digital content for, you know, certain fandoms.
- Oh God. Is that Gumby?!
Thanks to U.B.I. I've been able to
focus on some of my personal projects.
Oh! Ohh! Oh! My ponytail!
- Oh God, Ahp sorry!
I rescue and rehabilitate sick and injured possums.
People hate 'em because they're scary looking,
but they're actually our friends. I mean they
eat ticks and they clean up dead animals.
- And would you have been able to do this without UBI?
Oh, no.
Uh, believe it or not, there's not really
much money in possum sanctuaries.
So we just gotta show them we haven't
been putzing around and wasting the money.
Hmm, well, I can talk about Bry's Pies,
my boutique artisan pie company I started out of my house.
No way, Pete from logistics, how you doing buddy?
Bryan Eggbert. I worked in accounting.
We've met many times.
Ohh, gotcha, okay.
Well, if I'm being honest, I'm not sure
baking apple pies or saving raccoons is gonna cut it.
He said "meaningful impact." Not... whatever you're doing.
Oh yeah? The hell have you been doing the last two years?
Pfft. Uh, all kinds of stuff.
♪ [action]
I'm like the role model for UBI. I should be the frickin' mascot.
You already cost us our jobs.
You better not cost us this program.
Maybe sit this one out.
Pfft! Are you kidding me?
I'm the one who's gonna save this program.
So I heard from a little birdie that Otto's into comic books.
Well, what better way to impress
him than by becoming a superhero?
- Have you ever done a procedure like this before?
No. But I'm always up for a challenge.
- And would you say this is ethical?
Look, I'm a cosmetic plastic surgeon, not a cardiologist.
My Sixers season tickets aren't gonna pay for themselves. Haha.
- What do you think is driving Mark's hero complex?
Is it male fragility?
A crisis of meaning now that society's deemed him obsolete?
I think he's just an idiot.
Oo, ah, but I love him.
Love you, hun!
- Are you sure you want to do this to yourself?
Uh-uh, it's not about me, okay?
This is about sacrificing for the greater good.
It's about doing what it takes to save the
program and showing stupid Mary that I'm
actually a great example of a UBI success story.
Also, it's gonna be cool as hell, so c'mon.
Alright, count backwards from 10.
And by the time you get to 5, you'll already be drifting off.
Yeah okay, dude.
Let me tell you, I got a crazy tolerance, okay,
I'll make it to 0 no problem.
10 -- [snoring]
- How are you feeling?
Like someone who's about to save the UBI program.
Boom. Wolverine claws, baby.
Let's go!
Oh man, look at these things. Yo, how awesome is this?
Ah! Come on. Co-- ah!
Must have gone into the 2x4. Dammit.
- Aren't they supposed to retract?
Nah that was like, three times more
expensive, so I just got the basic package
where they... always kinda sticking out.
Gah! C'mon...
Yo, edit that out.
Hey Tam, can you help me out here in the downstairs bathroom?
Hey Jigglebells, can you uh... help me here?
Uh, kinda need a wipe boy...
- Can you tell us what you're doing?
So I'm patrolling the streets here,
looking for any shady activity.
Trying to get some uh, heroic acts
under my belt before the ceremony.
Maybe some good press about a vigilante
superhero keeping Glantontown safe.
That way Otto can see I'm the real deal.
- What's with the eye patch?
Had a little mishap brushing my teeth the other day.
Hey, how you doin'? Sup?
Gotta be vigilant, okay?
There's a lotta crime in this area.
Yeah so uh, not a lot of illicit activity today uh...
Just one guy parked in a handicapped spot but,
had his flashers on, so I let it slide.
Definitely deterred a lot of crimes though.
Criminal see these bad boys are just like "Nope. Not today."
- So what's your plan for the ceremony?
Hmm. I'm just gonna have to do what they do in the comic books.
Create my own superhero situation.
For the greater good, of course.
- How are you feeling about today?
Not gonna lie. I'm a little nervous.
A lot riding on this.
I'm excited. It's kinda like a talent show.
We'll be okay.
So long as Thumbhead Hoagies doesn't show up.
Oh, hell no.
Welp. It's over.
Mm... oh yeah. - What the hell are you doing?
Uh... saving the UBI program, that's what.
You better not screw this up for us.
Alright Mary, c'mon,
why don't you cut it with all the salty stuff, okay.
We all know what's going on.
You're attracted to me, and you're mad that I'm married.
I'm gay.
You know what, that tracks, that actually tracks.
Hey look. Otto's here.
Oh baby. Showtime.
So I guess I just wanna say, thanks Humantis,
for giving me the dough to start Bry's Pies.
[applause]
And so as I reflect on two years,
I guess you could say, UBI's been a real lifesaver.
With all of this new free time,
I have been able to watch almost all the
Phillies games and I enjoy spending time with my brother.
Also, I learned how to play piano.
Thank you.
Whoohoo! Yeah! Go Hank!
Ah. Whoops.
Ah, sorry about that,
no big deal, just a crap mic s-- uh, mount.
Some of you may see UBI as merely money.
But to me, it is my origin story.
Two years ago, Alfred died.
But from his ashes, a hero was born.
A lot of people say that UBI is free money,
but I don't see it that way.
To me, it is a debt to which I must repay society.
And so, thanks to Humantis, I have
committed myself to a life of
sacrifice in the name of justice.
Not today!
Oh, wait. Not my line.
Hold on. Oh, yeah.
I have been sent from the future to destroy Humantis.
Not today!
Hey, watch it.
Oh God. Ughhhhh.
Time out. Time out one sec.
[crowd gasps] What the hell, dude?
Where's the stab-proof vest I got you?
Ohhhh...Dah, I knew I forgot something.
Okay, not to alarm everyone, but this is
actually my friend Eric... and he needs
some immediate medical attention.
I figured he'd do something stupid, but this was next level.
[sighs] Man...
Everything was going really well
until whatever the hell that was.
It's okay. You're okay.
The first thing we need to do is stop the bleeding.
Mark, don't move. - Oooh!
Mark! What the hell is wrong with you?!
I just said don't move.
Sorry. I figured I was supposed to pull the claws out first.
Oh no... it's my blood...
Oooh...
Oh man... Oh...
Great job Hoagies. You blew it.
We were supposed to look productive
and instead you stabbed your friend with Wolverine claws.
...Well you know what? Maybe that's the problem.
Everybody's saying we gotta be productive,
but isn't that what the robots are for?
I mean, the whole point of automation is
so the robots can do all the boring work
and people can be free to do whatever
the hell they want with their lives.
Why do we always gotta feel bad about
hanging out or watching the Phillies,
or playing video games... or uh...
getting metal claws surgically implanted in our knuckles?
What happened to just... I don't know, being fun?
I mean, maybe I'm crazy, but I
thought that's what UBI is all about.
So we can stop bein' stressed out all
the time and just enjoy life for once in our...
life.
Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go find a
first aid kit because I just accidentally
stabbed myself in the leg.
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and...
whatever that last display was.
It has made what was a difficult decision, much easier.
After careful consideration... I have decided
to continue the UBI program. Thank you.
[crowd cheers]
Yeah you like that, David?
I was against the ropes there for a
minute, but then pop-pop, pulled the Rocky and
crushed it with that speech, dude.
I saved the frickin' day.
- So how did you come to that decision?
Was it Mark's speech?
No.
Mark's display reminded me that humans
are highly irrational, emotional beings.
And if they don't have some way to meet
their basic needs, they get desperate.
And I do not wish to be stabbed by Wolverine claws.
- Will UBI be humanity's answer as we
endeavor into an increasingly automated future?
That question remains to be answered.
But for now, at least in Glantontown,
the experiment continues.
Man these hot dogs are terrible.
Maybe robots can't replace us after all.
I know, right?
Yo, are these from the factory?
I think so.
Yeah, I got them from your basement freezer.
Oh my God.
Uh, hey guys...
Uh... I think we just ate Alfred.
[puking]
[applause]
Dude, that was frickin' awesome, David!
Man, I'm gonna blow up from this.
I gotta get an agent.
I gotta say that was better than I thought it was gonna be.
Wow, thanks.
You think Humantis will approve it for release?
No chance. I need you to destroy it immediately.
Oh, come on!
Oh uh, hey everyone, so...
As you know, I uh, learned a little piano
and, uh, I wrote a song inspired by David's movie.
♪ Well, I used to work at a hot dog factory ♪
♪ Until them robots came along ♪
♪ And now there is no job for me ♪
♪ But I get three thousand bucks a month ♪
♪ Thanks to UBI ♪
♪ Now we're Universal Basic Guys ♪
♪ It may not sound like much much but we're still gonna try ♪
♪ We're just Universal Basic Guys ♪