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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen!
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Give it up for Tom Papa!
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[audience cheering, applauding]
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[cheering continues]
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Thank you very much.
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Look at you.
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Look at you, still alive. Good job.
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I'm proud of you.
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Oh, thank you so much for that.
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This is so nice to be here.
We're gonna have a good time, I hope.
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They say these are
very exciting times. They are.
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Some people say scary times. I disagree.
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I think these are very exciting times.
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When they're changing all the rules,
we can do anything we want now.
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I say, let's kidnap some billionaires.
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[audience cheers]
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Why not? We got a lot of problems.
Five guys have all the money.
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Let's go get them. Who's gonna stop us?
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I'm all for you being a billionaire.
Good job.
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You worked hard, you changed the world.
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You get to be a billionaire for 24 hours.
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You don't start giving that money
away to poor people by morning,
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we're coming to get you.
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Could you imagine a billion dollars?
I don't even dream like that, do you?
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One person, a billion dollars.
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No, I used to be bothered by big dreams
and high expectations.
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Not anymore.
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This is it, guys. This is it.
We're already doing it.
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You did it. Good job.
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This is it. Really.
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For me, a good day is any day I don't
have to retrieve a username and password.
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[sighs] Oh. Oh.
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What a great day.
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Nothing worse on the planet,
when you're about to have some fun
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and you're cock-blocked
by the username and password.
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There's nothing worse.
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I mean, I know there's wars going on,
and things are on fire, but for us,
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for us...
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there's nothing worse.
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It's not like in the olden times
and fairy tales and storybooks,
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when you need a magical password,
go on an adventure,
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you get something amazing for it.
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You need the password to get in the gate,
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go into the dark forest,
and become friends with a talking crow,
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fight a demon with a willow stick,
and you get the password.
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And the doors open up,
and a unicorn gives you a ride
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to a magical wizard who gives
you gold coins and sexual favors.
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We don't get any of that after pouring
our heart and souls into our devices
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for three straight hours,
giving away all our family secrets,
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our mom's maiden name,
and who she had sex with in high school...
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and then we play that "squarey" game
like we're in nursery school.
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Is there a stoplight in the square?
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Is there a dump truck in the square?
Was that my dead grandma in the square?
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They send a bunch of codes to other emails
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you don't have the password for, either.
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Then finally you get the password.
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Do we get sexual favors from wizards? No.
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What do we get? What do we get?
We get to order on the Pizza Hut app. Yay.
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Yay.
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If only I had the courage to call someone
on the phone three hours ago...
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and place this order.
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But I'm scared of people now.
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I don't know what that 16-year-old
manager at Pizza Hut
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is gonna ask me,
but it's gonna be scary.
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No way around it. We're all being changed,
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dragged into the metaverse,
turned into robots as we speak.
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Remember you before these devices
as a different person?
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You get a glimpse of it when you
go out into the world without your phone.
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You ever do that, leave your phone behind?
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By mistake, of course.
You wouldn't do it intentionally.
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But just go out
about the day without your phone?
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Oh! What a great day.
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Once you get past
the crying and the dry heaving and...
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tugging on strangers' pant legs,
asking for help.
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Once you get through all of that,
it's a magical day.
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You just walk around with your
own thoughts, just thinking about stuff.
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Wow, this must be what
Benjamin Franklin felt like...
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just walking around, thinking about
kites and candies and syphilis.
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There's no getting around it.
The world is too easy with it.
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Could you imagine traveling
without your phone?
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Leaving tomorrow, going to the airport,
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getting on a plane and leaving for
three days without your phone? [exclaims]
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Terrifying idea.
How did you even get to the airport?
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That's a good question.
How did you get to the airport?
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Is Uber responding to smoke signals now?
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What happens once you're at the airport
and they change your flight or gate?
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How are you gonna know?
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You're not. You're not gonna know.
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You're just gonna wander the halls
of the airport until you die.
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You're going to die at the airport
on the floor outside of a Hudson News...
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that's filled with things that could
save you if only you had Apple Pay.
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That'd be a good ending to the story.
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Or would it? What happens if you die,
and you go up to Heaven,
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and they're like, "We weren't gonna
let you in, but you did your best."
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"You get in. Welcome to Heaven.
Congratulations."
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"What's your username and password?"
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I don't have it, I don't have it.
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Remember two years ago, when
they told us we couldn't see our families?
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Remember that?
Yeah. Don't do it. Don't go home.
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You're gonna kill
your family with your face.
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No. No holidays for you,
not this year. You stay home.
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You're gonna kill your mom
with your breath.
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Two years, no family. Oh, my God.
Those were the good old days.
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We all had the same excuse,
we all had the same excuse.
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I would love to come home,
but they won't let me.
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I'm gonna have to spend Thanksgiving
with my friends and have fun this year.
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Oh, man. Families are a blessing.
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It is a blessing if you have your family,
but it doesn't make 'em any less annoying.
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I just saw my parents. Oh, my God.
They're getting goofy.
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My father bought my mother one of those
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weapons-grade jackhammer massage guns.
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Have you seen these things?
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These new torture devices
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they're just selling to old people
to try on each other?
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No background check,
no licensing, no training of any kind.
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My father just aimed it at
my mother's shoulder and hit the trigger.
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Wasn't good. Wasn't good.
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It just gathered up her skin
like pancake batter.
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[imitates jackhammer]
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She couldn't get away.
He couldn't turn it off.
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She looked like a Shar Pei
stuck in a car wash.
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Yeah, it got the knot out.
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It also got her collarbone out
and her shoulder blade.
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And all her insides
are on the outside now.
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I love them to death. I do.
But what are we doing with our old people?
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We should be protecting our old people.
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Why are we telling our old people they can
do more things the older they get?
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That's not how it works.
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You don't add things
to your bucket list after 70.
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Anything you don't do by 70,
you don't have to do.
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My mother watches TV,
she gets these ideas,
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seeing all these active old people,
she comes back,
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"Your father and I are
gonna start to travel."
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"Your dad and I
are gonna hit the road."
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"Time to start traveling."
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No.
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You're scared of stairs.
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This isn't the time
to backpack through Europe.
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Your ankles are made of Popsicle sticks.
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It takes Dad three tries
to get up the ramp at Starbucks,
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just gaining momentum
till he eventually bursts through the door
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and forgets where he is.
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Starts cursing out the barista
because his car's not ready.
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"You don't know.
Your father and I like activities."
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"We rent the tandem bike."
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"We go to the hotel.
We rent a tandem bike."
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Don't.
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A tandem bike after 70
should be called a double suicide.
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Two people who don't get along
and don't know where they're going,
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turning in opposite directions,
should not be on a tandem bike.
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You should be in a wagon.
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You should be in a wagon,
and we'll tug you around,
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you can feed the ducks.
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We'll have you home by 4:00,
in time for your programs.
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[cheering, applauding]
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And then they get angry.
They get angry if I try and help them,
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and give them advice,
and protect them, they get all defensive.
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"Don't tell us what to do.
We're your parents. We made you."
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All right. Thank you for inventing me.
That was very nice.
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But things have changed.
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Things have changed.
My brain's still intact.
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I didn't put sponges
in the toaster this morning.
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I'm looking forward to the time
when my kids help me out.
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I have two teenage daughters.
They help me out now.
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I'm grateful for the assistance.
I don't do things right a lot.
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They don't have to know
it's because I'm drunk and high.
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But I am confused sometimes.
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"Dad, should the stove still be on?"
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"No."
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00:11:37,906 --> 00:11:41,160
"No, I made dinner an hour ago."
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"That pot's going
to have to soak for a while."
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"Fill it with bubbles.
We'll deal with it on Wednesday."
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"Dad, that was a stop sign."
"Good thing we're speeding."
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"Hold my weed.
I'm gonna make a U-turn."
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"Don't tell your mom."
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They could be nicer about it, though.
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00:12:08,145 --> 00:12:11,482
Nothing meaner than a teenage girl
when she comes after you.
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Nothing meaner on the planet,
'cause they're smart,
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they're cunning, and they just laser
on your weaknesses.
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It's very unsettling.
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My daughter came into
the kitchen she said,
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"Dad, we're trying to watch
a movie in the other room,
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and we can hear you breathing."
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00:12:31,376 --> 00:12:33,504
"Okay, I'll just stop that."
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"I'll just stop breathing and living here,
and living all together. How about that?"
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And she just high-fived her sister
and went back to watching The Avengers.
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My other daughter, 16,
was just staring me down at breakfast.
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Very scary. She hasn't made
eye contact with me since she was six.
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00:12:54,816 --> 00:12:57,444
"I don't like the way
you chew your granola."
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00:12:57,819 --> 00:13:02,658
"Why you chewing your granola like that?"
What the hell does that even mean?
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00:13:02,741 --> 00:13:05,494
It's granola. It's big and it's crunchy.
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00:13:05,577 --> 00:13:09,540
I have to make it smaller.
or it's gonna rip apart my trachea.
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00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:15,212
How do you eat your granola?
You just swallow it whole, like a snake?
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Devil child?
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00:13:18,757 --> 00:13:20,968
This is the same daughter, by the way,
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00:13:21,051 --> 00:13:23,178
who without my permission or my knowledge,
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00:13:23,262 --> 00:13:26,848
during the Troubles,
went out and adopted a rescue pug.
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00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:31,103
A pug! Did all the paperwork herself
and just showed up with a pug.
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00:13:31,186 --> 00:13:35,732
If you don't know what a pug is,
they advertise it as a dog.
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00:13:40,279 --> 00:13:41,697
It is not.
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00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:45,200
It has a fat, round,
hairy, turkey-like body,
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00:13:45,742 --> 00:13:49,705
four spindly legs that look like
it couldn't support that fat body.
203
00:13:49,788 --> 00:13:51,665
Dogs have paws.
204
00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:56,545
Pugs have long, lady fingers
with fancy press on nails.
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00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:02,968
Some have four, some have three, some two.
Like a chicken foot.
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00:14:05,596 --> 00:14:09,558
And the face
of an arthritic 80-year-old man.
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00:14:11,852 --> 00:14:15,939
Eyes that look like it belongs
on a different animal altogether.
208
00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:19,860
It looks like God was making it,
ran out of pug eyes
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00:14:19,943 --> 00:14:23,155
and said, "Let's give it cow eyes.
See how that goes."
210
00:14:24,907 --> 00:14:26,533
It doesn't go.
211
00:14:26,617 --> 00:14:30,662
This poor guy's got these two
bulbous things hanging out of his skull.
212
00:14:30,746 --> 00:14:33,790
The lids can't even
get up and over the ball.
213
00:14:34,333 --> 00:14:37,836
He hasn't had his eyes shut
in the time I've had him.
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00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:41,506
He just struggles
and snores 24 hours a day.
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00:14:41,590 --> 00:14:44,384
[snoring]
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00:14:45,636 --> 00:14:49,181
"Is he asleep right now? We're on a walk."
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00:14:56,730 --> 00:14:57,773
Fun fact.
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00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:07,574
Fun fact. If a pug falls
in the pool, it sinks immediately.
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00:15:09,910 --> 00:15:13,330
Turns out if your head's
made of a concrete block,
220
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:15,749
you're gonna face plant in the deep end.
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00:15:16,541 --> 00:15:20,879
Still snoring, still snoring.
Bubbles coming up on either side.
222
00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:23,757
I don't think he
even knows he's in the pool.
223
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,760
Think he thinks he wandered
into a weird part of the yard
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00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:28,512
and his glaucoma's flaring up.
225
00:15:33,058 --> 00:15:35,310
Best part about him, his name is Frank.
226
00:15:35,394 --> 00:15:37,980
Which is hilarious,
because any time you yell at him,
227
00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:40,107
it's like you're in a movie with Sinatra.
228
00:15:40,399 --> 00:15:43,235
"Come on, Frank.
Why are you acting that way?"
229
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:46,029
"You've changed, Frank. You've changed."
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00:15:46,113 --> 00:15:47,948
[snoring]
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00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:52,869
Like I said, he's a purebred--
a purebred rescue dog.
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00:15:52,953 --> 00:15:56,164
He was found on the mean streets
of Downey, California.
233
00:15:56,248 --> 00:16:00,377
If you don't know where Downey is,
it's like here, but a little more stabby.
234
00:16:01,670 --> 00:16:05,799
Why was Frank just wandering
the mean streets of Downey, California?
235
00:16:05,882 --> 00:16:09,803
There's either something wrong
with him, or he's wanted by the law.
236
00:16:09,886 --> 00:16:14,099
There's something wrong with Frank.
Something very wrong with Frank.
237
00:16:14,182 --> 00:16:16,309
Frank pees everywhere he goes,
238
00:16:16,393 --> 00:16:19,521
inside or out, wherever the hell
he wants, Frank pees.
239
00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:23,316
I found this out because
I got a blacklight on Amazon.
240
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,986
Yes. Well, I never caught him in the act.
241
00:16:26,069 --> 00:16:30,032
I'd always see him walking down
the hall with his fancy lady feet
242
00:16:30,115 --> 00:16:32,743
and a suspicious look in his fat eye.
243
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:35,787
I never caught him,
but I got that blacklight,
244
00:16:35,871 --> 00:16:39,708
and I went through my house.
He has devastated my home.
245
00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:43,628
Ruined it.
My office in particular, wrecked it.
246
00:16:44,129 --> 00:16:47,549
First I didn't say anything.
I was like, "What if it's me?"
247
00:16:50,427 --> 00:16:54,264
After careful analysis, it's Frank.
It's very low.
248
00:16:55,140 --> 00:16:58,852
So what do you do? I got angry at first.
"How do I handle this?"
249
00:16:58,935 --> 00:17:03,273
Maybe leave the back door open
and see if he wants to go for a swim?
250
00:17:08,236 --> 00:17:09,988
Then I checked myself.
251
00:17:10,072 --> 00:17:11,948
"No, let's get him checked out."
252
00:17:12,032 --> 00:17:15,619
Maybe there's something really
wrong with Frank, like a bladder problem.
253
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:19,414
I don't know what goes on
inside pugs other than prizes.
254
00:17:19,998 --> 00:17:22,542
Maybe there is a urinary tract infection.
255
00:17:22,626 --> 00:17:25,253
I took him in,
he's a healthy son of a pug.
256
00:17:25,337 --> 00:17:26,671
Everything checks out.
257
00:17:26,755 --> 00:17:30,425
There's nothing wrong with his
urinary tract. No infections.
258
00:17:30,509 --> 00:17:32,636
What's wrong, according to the vet,
259
00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:36,640
in medical terms, is Frank is an asshole.
260
00:17:43,105 --> 00:17:46,817
He knows what he's doing,
and he's gonna continue doing it
261
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:49,528
while he's looking me right in the face.
262
00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:54,366
So I went back to Amazon,
where all our answers lie,
263
00:17:54,449 --> 00:17:57,077
and they make diapers for pugs.
264
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,788
They make diapers for pugs.
You can get 'em on Amazon.
265
00:17:59,871 --> 00:18:03,166
I know it's pathetic.
It doesn't even look like a diaper.
266
00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:06,378
Looks like those Velcro
back braces the UPS guy wears
267
00:18:06,461 --> 00:18:10,632
his last year on the job.
Just kind of hanging off his ass.
268
00:18:11,550 --> 00:18:15,846
Doesn't look like it does much,
but his sciatica is really bothering him.
269
00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:20,308
We don't call them diapers out of respect
for Sinatra. We call them pants.
270
00:18:20,642 --> 00:18:24,729
"Come on, Frank. We got company over.
Put on some pants, will you?"
271
00:18:24,813 --> 00:18:26,565
"For crying out loud."
272
00:18:27,899 --> 00:18:30,652
I'll admit it felt weird
putting pants on a dog.
273
00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,654
Didn't feel right,
didn't feel natural.
274
00:18:32,737 --> 00:18:36,116
But then I thought about what
dogs have done in our short years.
275
00:18:36,199 --> 00:18:38,493
When I was a child, a dog was a dog.
276
00:18:38,577 --> 00:18:41,204
It lived outside in the yard,
tied to a tree.
277
00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:43,999
If you went somewhere,
the dog waited for your return.
278
00:18:44,082 --> 00:18:48,336
It could be an hour, a day, a year.
The dog waited for you to come home.
279
00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:52,591
You'd never say to your father,
"Can we bring the dog on vacation?"
280
00:18:52,674 --> 00:18:55,218
They would have
tied you to the other tree.
281
00:18:59,222 --> 00:19:03,518
And look what they've accomplished now,
these dogs, I see them everywhere.
282
00:19:03,602 --> 00:19:06,563
I see them checking
into hotels by themselves.
283
00:19:07,189 --> 00:19:10,150
I see them in fancy restaurants,
drinking martinis,
284
00:19:10,233 --> 00:19:11,902
boarding flights to Hawaii.
285
00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:15,530
Well, I don't know how you did it,
dogs, but you did it.
286
00:19:15,614 --> 00:19:19,618
You're part of the human world.
You did it. Congratulations.
287
00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:29,169
Now that you're here, take your tongue
out of your ass and take a look around.
288
00:19:30,295 --> 00:19:32,964
And you'll notice we're all wearing pants,
289
00:19:33,048 --> 00:19:36,551
'cause we know what our junk
looks like and it should be covered up.
290
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:39,554
I don't know if you've
ever seen a pug's penis, sir.
291
00:19:39,638 --> 00:19:42,599
You look like you've seen
some shit in your day.
292
00:19:43,308 --> 00:19:46,478
Maybe you did some time.
I don't know how you live.
293
00:19:46,895 --> 00:19:49,314
If you haven't seen it,
Google it after the show.
294
00:19:49,397 --> 00:19:53,235
All of you, Google it after the show.
Private browser, private browser.
295
00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:56,863
Wait till you see it.
It's weird, it's misshapen,
296
00:19:56,947 --> 00:19:59,282
it's covered in weird,
multicolored horse hairs.
297
00:19:59,407 --> 00:20:02,077
It follows you around
the room when you walk by.
298
00:20:02,744 --> 00:20:06,039
It looks like something
the devil would tickle you with.
299
00:20:14,506 --> 00:20:16,174
Put on some pants.
300
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:23,807
But, as disgusting as pugs are,
and they are, we're worse.
301
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,934
Human beings are worse.
302
00:20:26,017 --> 00:20:29,062
I thought we were gonna be better
after all we went through.
303
00:20:29,145 --> 00:20:32,565
I thought we'd be more germ conscious,
a little more mannerly. Nope!
304
00:20:32,649 --> 00:20:35,694
Just as disgusting as before.
We are. We're horrible.
305
00:20:35,777 --> 00:20:37,445
Coughing's back. Coughing's back.
306
00:20:37,529 --> 00:20:41,032
Walking through the airport,
all these people acting like sea lions.
307
00:20:41,199 --> 00:20:44,744
[mimics sea lion barking]
308
00:20:44,828 --> 00:20:47,038
No one covers their mouths. [barks]
309
00:20:47,122 --> 00:20:50,083
Spraying whole rows of people. [barks]
310
00:20:51,668 --> 00:20:54,212
I saw a guy on the plane
clipping his nails.
311
00:20:54,296 --> 00:20:57,590
-[audience groans]
-Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Why?
312
00:20:57,674 --> 00:21:00,719
Why is a nail clipper in your pocket
in the first place?
313
00:21:00,802 --> 00:21:04,097
What's in your other pocket?
Used dental floss and toilet paper?
314
00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:05,765
What's wrong with you?
315
00:21:06,975 --> 00:21:09,769
They're back to spitting everywhere,
those big man-spits
316
00:21:09,853 --> 00:21:11,938
right on the sidewalk
where you're walking.
317
00:21:12,022 --> 00:21:15,984
Those big, disgusting,
from the small intestine, windup spits.
318
00:21:16,526 --> 00:21:19,571
It was six inches
from going out the other way.
319
00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:25,869
And this guy says,
"No, I'm bringing it up top."
320
00:21:28,663 --> 00:21:31,249
"People are gonna wanna see this."
321
00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:37,047
And it just lands on the sidewalk
like an alien afterbirth.
322
00:21:38,465 --> 00:21:41,551
It's got eyes
and a heartbeat and feelings.
323
00:21:43,094 --> 00:21:46,181
Skitters into the sewer
and replicates itself.
324
00:21:47,390 --> 00:21:49,642
And that's where COVID came from.
325
00:21:57,734 --> 00:22:00,820
I'm not really kidding.
That's where it came from.
326
00:22:00,904 --> 00:22:04,783
All these examples are
things that men do. Men do these things.
327
00:22:04,866 --> 00:22:09,371
I never saw a woman blow her nose in
the air without a tissue in all my days.
328
00:22:10,288 --> 00:22:14,000
These are things that men do.
And I know we're trying to figure it out.
329
00:22:14,084 --> 00:22:16,753
Was it a bat?
Was it a kangaroo? Was it a lab?
330
00:22:16,836 --> 00:22:19,297
I don't know. I know one thing's for sure.
331
00:22:19,381 --> 00:22:21,674
Men were involved.
332
00:22:23,176 --> 00:22:24,594
You know.
333
00:22:24,677 --> 00:22:30,517
You know, you know
some guy dared another guy
334
00:22:30,975 --> 00:22:35,063
to do something weird to a bat for $10.
335
00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:44,864
And they went out
to an alley next to a lab,
336
00:22:44,948 --> 00:22:48,201
and a bunch of other guys
got in a circle and cheered him on.
337
00:22:48,284 --> 00:22:51,704
And now we're gonna be
wearing masks to the end of time.
338
00:22:52,205 --> 00:22:56,376
We can't help it. Men. We're horrible.
Men are horrible. We're horrible.
339
00:22:56,459 --> 00:23:00,130
We're disgusting. Every guy in here
pees in his own yard.
340
00:23:00,797 --> 00:23:04,342
Pees in his-- Right? Yes, yes, yes.
341
00:23:09,264 --> 00:23:13,101
"No, Tom, not my guy." Yeah, your guy.
342
00:23:13,434 --> 00:23:18,648
I guarantee it, when you're not looking,
behind the lounge chair, behind the grill.
343
00:23:19,607 --> 00:23:21,734
In the grill, if it's on.
344
00:23:23,194 --> 00:23:25,321
Yeah, because that's a fun noise.
345
00:23:29,159 --> 00:23:32,328
Think about it, any inconvenience
you have out in the world
346
00:23:32,412 --> 00:23:35,623
is because men were there before,
did something horrible
347
00:23:35,707 --> 00:23:37,625
and they had to change the rules.
348
00:23:37,709 --> 00:23:40,712
Why can't you just walk
into a bathroom at a gas station ?
349
00:23:40,795 --> 00:23:45,508
Why do they have to give a key attached
to a chain attached to a truck tire?
350
00:23:46,551 --> 00:23:50,930
And we have to drag it around
the building like an Egyptian slave.
351
00:23:51,639 --> 00:23:56,895
Why? Because men were in there.
Horrible men doing horrible things.
352
00:23:57,145 --> 00:24:00,481
Playing in the toilet like a bird bath.
353
00:24:01,149 --> 00:24:03,818
Putting their penis in the hand dryer.
354
00:24:04,694 --> 00:24:09,490
Yes. You think when the Dyson
came out, that's not what they were doing?
355
00:24:10,158 --> 00:24:12,285
That's what they're doing.
356
00:24:12,368 --> 00:24:16,206
[imitates hand dryer whirring]
357
00:24:23,546 --> 00:24:25,632
I know,
the lady's room is no treat either.
358
00:24:25,715 --> 00:24:28,009
That's not because
of anything you do in there.
359
00:24:28,092 --> 00:24:30,845
That's 'cause men sneak in there
when you're not looking
360
00:24:30,929 --> 00:24:32,639
and use your hand dryer too.
361
00:24:37,185 --> 00:24:42,065
But, as disgusting as we are,
and no man will dispute that fact,
362
00:24:42,148 --> 00:24:43,483
we're good for you.
363
00:24:43,566 --> 00:24:46,361
Men are good for you.
We make you stronger.
364
00:24:46,653 --> 00:24:50,281
Yes, we're immunity boosters.
You think this whole thing was bad?
365
00:24:50,365 --> 00:24:53,493
It would've been twice as bad
if men weren't fiddling their nuts
366
00:24:53,576 --> 00:24:56,663
and grabbing every door handle in town.
367
00:24:57,538 --> 00:24:59,374
So you're welcome.
368
00:25:07,423 --> 00:25:10,385
The other thing that men have,
and I don't understand
369
00:25:10,468 --> 00:25:13,012
why women don't have it,
this seems backwards to me,
370
00:25:13,096 --> 00:25:16,474
is this incredible amount
of self-esteem and self-confidence
371
00:25:16,557 --> 00:25:18,935
built on absolutely nothing.
372
00:25:22,188 --> 00:25:27,402
As awful as we are, every guy also thinks
everyone wants him all the time.
373
00:25:27,485 --> 00:25:32,532
A guy will pee in his backyard, walk out
the front door and think, "She wants me."
374
00:25:34,575 --> 00:25:39,998
And yet women are the most magical,
beautiful creatures on this planet,
375
00:25:40,081 --> 00:25:45,336
just gliding around the globe
like cotton candy goddesses,
376
00:25:45,420 --> 00:25:48,464
just filled with life and love
377
00:25:48,548 --> 00:25:51,509
and beauty and self-doubt.
378
00:25:52,260 --> 00:25:57,348
"Do I look fat? Do I look old? I hate
my hair. I hate my eyes. I hate my ass."
379
00:25:58,099 --> 00:26:03,521
And meanwhile, you're walking around
with a pet orangutan.
380
00:26:07,608 --> 00:26:10,111
Who doesn't even look in the mirror.
381
00:26:13,823 --> 00:26:16,534
The epitome of male vanity
is in the summer.
382
00:26:16,617 --> 00:26:21,289
In the summer, in any town,
you will see a man, an 80-year-old man,
383
00:26:21,372 --> 00:26:26,794
walking down the street in a tank top,
or worse, no shirt at all.
384
00:26:26,878 --> 00:26:29,714
Just strutting down the sidewalk
385
00:26:29,797 --> 00:26:32,884
like an expired rotisserie chicken.
386
00:26:38,139 --> 00:26:42,518
No muscle mass left,
just two bony chicken wings.
387
00:26:44,562 --> 00:26:47,607
Licorice nipples swaying in the wind.
388
00:26:53,237 --> 00:26:57,950
Gold chains tangled
in his spooky cobweb body hair.
389
00:26:59,702 --> 00:27:02,455
With the nerve to hit on young women.
390
00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:07,377
God, I don't know how you women
let us climb all over you.
391
00:27:07,460 --> 00:27:11,547
I really don't.
I would be a lesbian for sure.
392
00:27:14,592 --> 00:27:18,513
Both of my daughters are straight.
I'm like, "Focus, we have time."
393
00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:22,600
"You don't have to do this."
394
00:27:26,062 --> 00:27:31,234
[audience cheers, applauds]
395
00:27:36,531 --> 00:27:38,157
I am not a lesbian.
396
00:27:39,450 --> 00:27:41,411
I am a straight, married man.
397
00:27:41,494 --> 00:27:44,747
I've been married now
to the same woman for 22 years.
398
00:27:44,831 --> 00:27:46,833
[audience cheering]
399
00:27:46,916 --> 00:27:48,042
Thank you.
400
00:27:50,253 --> 00:27:52,922
You don't know what I'm going through.
401
00:27:54,048 --> 00:27:55,091
[chuckles]
402
00:27:55,174 --> 00:27:58,970
No, she's great, of course. 22 years.
She's the best. I love her to death.
403
00:27:59,053 --> 00:28:01,264
I'm not gonna be up here
attacking marriage.
404
00:28:01,347 --> 00:28:04,600
I believe in marriage, really do.
It's a hard life to get through.
405
00:28:04,684 --> 00:28:07,478
If you find someone else,
partner up through it all,
406
00:28:07,562 --> 00:28:10,273
it's good.
It can make your life a lot better.
407
00:28:10,356 --> 00:28:14,610
If you find the right person,
and lower your expectations
408
00:28:14,694 --> 00:28:18,781
of what you're gonna get out of it,
you'll be very happily married.
409
00:28:19,991 --> 00:28:22,994
I don't mean to demean it
when I say lower your expectations.
410
00:28:23,077 --> 00:28:25,037
I think that's why people get divorced.
411
00:28:25,121 --> 00:28:28,040
Too high of an expectation
of what they're gonna get
412
00:28:28,166 --> 00:28:30,960
out of this one relationship.
It's not that much.
413
00:28:33,713 --> 00:28:35,756
Don't put so much pressure on it.
414
00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:40,428
Keep your eyes open going into it.
Don't be dumb about it. Gotta be smart.
415
00:28:40,511 --> 00:28:43,514
I have a friend that's thinking
about getting married.
416
00:28:43,598 --> 00:28:46,267
He's so dumb.
The way he's talking, he's a moron.
417
00:28:46,350 --> 00:28:49,604
He's been with the girl for five years,
the things he talks about,
418
00:28:49,687 --> 00:28:52,482
"She's nice,
you know, her family's pretty cool."
419
00:28:52,565 --> 00:28:55,401
"She's smart, but I don't know
if she's hot enough."
420
00:28:55,485 --> 00:28:58,738
"Don't know, we're talking about
getting married. She hot enough?"
421
00:28:59,530 --> 00:29:00,990
Are you high? Hot enough?!
422
00:29:01,157 --> 00:29:04,285
You're talking about getting married
for the rest of your life.
423
00:29:04,368 --> 00:29:07,538
You don't care about hot,
you don't marry hot. You marry strong.
424
00:29:07,622 --> 00:29:08,998
You don't want a supermodel.
425
00:29:09,081 --> 00:29:12,585
You want someone who can pick up
the other end of the couch.
426
00:29:19,967 --> 00:29:22,720
Without taking
the cigarette out of her mouth.
427
00:29:24,931 --> 00:29:26,516
That's who you marry.
428
00:29:28,893 --> 00:29:30,436
No. It's a good thing.
429
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:33,940
If you're married, and in here tonight,
it's a great night for you.
430
00:29:34,023 --> 00:29:39,654
You're having a great time. There's no
pressure on you at all. You're married.
431
00:29:39,737 --> 00:29:43,199
You don't even care if your
partner's having fun right now.
432
00:29:45,827 --> 00:29:51,207
That's not why you're here.
Let's let someone else talk for an hour.
433
00:29:59,590 --> 00:30:00,716
It's easy.
434
00:30:01,676 --> 00:30:04,428
If you're dating,
if you're in here right now on a date,
435
00:30:04,512 --> 00:30:06,556
this is a difficult night for you.
436
00:30:07,014 --> 00:30:11,561
This is a lot of work.
You actually care how this goes tonight.
437
00:30:11,644 --> 00:30:14,981
You want them to be happy.
It's a lot of pressure.
438
00:30:15,064 --> 00:30:18,192
This is why-- this is the thing
that bothers me about dating.
439
00:30:18,317 --> 00:30:21,195
If you do get in a fight
on the way home tonight,
440
00:30:21,279 --> 00:30:23,698
maybe off of something I'm about to say,
441
00:30:23,781 --> 00:30:26,075
if you get in a fight tonight,
442
00:30:26,158 --> 00:30:30,121
the whole relationship
could be over tonight.
443
00:30:32,498 --> 00:30:35,751
Tonight. You could end it tonight.
444
00:30:36,544 --> 00:30:41,674
Because you have that option.
And that's a horrible option to have.
445
00:30:42,133 --> 00:30:44,302
Because if you do leave,
oh my God,
446
00:30:44,385 --> 00:30:47,763
you gotta get your laptop,
and all your chargers.
447
00:30:48,764 --> 00:30:50,391
[exhales deeply]
448
00:30:52,143 --> 00:30:56,606
Get a new haircut, buy some cool clothes,
go back out into the world.
449
00:30:56,689 --> 00:31:00,109
Lie to everybody all over again
about how great you are.
450
00:31:02,194 --> 00:31:06,991
My wife and I could get in the same exact
fight tonight, and we're not breaking up.
451
00:31:07,074 --> 00:31:10,661
We are not leaving,
because we don't have that option.
452
00:31:10,953 --> 00:31:14,749
We could get in the worst fight
in the world, we are not leaving.
453
00:31:14,832 --> 00:31:19,462
I'm not leaving. I get in a fight,
I don't leave. I go to the pantry.
454
00:31:21,672 --> 00:31:25,760
I go to the pantry and I get
a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies.
455
00:31:27,303 --> 00:31:32,892
And I eat them one by one as I'm staring
at my reflection in the toaster oven.
456
00:31:46,197 --> 00:31:48,866
Until I feel so disgusting
that I forgive her,
457
00:31:48,950 --> 00:31:53,329
for whatever it is she said,
because I know she's probably right
458
00:31:53,412 --> 00:31:58,376
because she's married to a monster person
who just ate 24 Samoas standing up.
459
00:32:07,718 --> 00:32:10,721
I don't need cool clothes,
I don't have to get a new haircut.
460
00:32:10,805 --> 00:32:13,432
Get a haircut when she says,
"get a haircut."
461
00:32:13,516 --> 00:32:17,311
And I get clothes when she gets clothes--
reminds me I need clothes.
462
00:32:17,395 --> 00:32:20,314
That's how married
couples end up looking alike.
463
00:32:22,984 --> 00:32:26,320
"Be right back, going to get sneakers."
"Wait a minute."
464
00:32:28,114 --> 00:32:30,116
"I need sneakers, too."
465
00:32:31,617 --> 00:32:34,745
"You do? You wanna come?"
"Yeah, I wanna come."
466
00:32:34,829 --> 00:32:37,164
"Let's go. Sneaker day!"
467
00:32:44,088 --> 00:32:47,591
And we go to Footlocker
and we sit in the married section.
468
00:32:48,467 --> 00:32:53,014
And they bring out sneakers that aren't
made for any athletic event whatsoever.
469
00:32:54,849 --> 00:32:58,644
No, they're big
and they're white and they got Velcro.
470
00:33:00,771 --> 00:33:04,108
They're good for standing
while we wait for each other.
471
00:33:09,155 --> 00:33:11,991
"You want socks, too?"
"You read my mind."
472
00:33:12,742 --> 00:33:17,329
"Socks, shorts, and sneakers. Don't bag
'em up. We're gonna wear 'em out."
473
00:33:19,290 --> 00:33:23,919
Do we look good? No.
We don't look good. That wasn't the point.
474
00:33:24,211 --> 00:33:28,299
The point was to make each other
unfuckable to the rest of the world.
475
00:33:35,431 --> 00:33:39,018
We don't need some single pervert
looking at your cool shoes
476
00:33:39,101 --> 00:33:43,564
and making a move on you.
That'll ruin the good thing we got going.
477
00:33:46,692 --> 00:33:49,445
"What about the sex, Tom?
What about the sex?"
478
00:33:49,528 --> 00:33:52,740
Everyone asks,
"One person for the rest of your life?"
479
00:33:52,823 --> 00:33:57,661
"What about the sex?"
Grow up. Dumbass sex.
480
00:33:57,745 --> 00:34:00,372
You mean the cause of every
dumb decision you've made?
481
00:34:00,456 --> 00:34:03,334
That sex? Sex is fun, but it's a ride.
482
00:34:03,417 --> 00:34:07,213
It's a ride. The first time I went on
Space Mountain, sure, it was exciting.
483
00:34:07,296 --> 00:34:09,882
I didn't know it was gonna do that.
Whee!
484
00:34:10,925 --> 00:34:12,510
[laughs] Hey!
485
00:34:13,886 --> 00:34:16,972
I've been riding
Space Mountain now for 22 years.
486
00:34:18,140 --> 00:34:20,142
I know how it goes.
487
00:34:21,143 --> 00:34:25,189
It's fun, but you end up confused,
nauseous, and in need of a nap.
488
00:34:28,734 --> 00:34:30,486
I was staying in New York recently,
489
00:34:30,569 --> 00:34:33,531
and the people in the hotel room
next to me were having sex.
490
00:34:33,614 --> 00:34:38,494
Very loud, very rhythmic, very joyful.
And it kept going, 15, 20 minutes.
491
00:34:38,577 --> 00:34:41,288
I was like, "I guess the pandemic's over."
492
00:34:41,831 --> 00:34:44,416
Have fun in there. Didn't stop.
Kept going.
493
00:34:44,500 --> 00:34:47,670
Twenty-five, 30 minutes.
Nonstop. No break.
494
00:34:47,753 --> 00:34:52,299
Thirty straight minutes. I called my wife,
I was like, "I owe you an apology."
495
00:34:58,597 --> 00:35:03,644
Didn't stop there. 35, 40 minutes.
40 minutes nonstop action.
496
00:35:03,727 --> 00:35:06,522
We've never hit 40 minutes--
40 minutes straight?
497
00:35:06,605 --> 00:35:09,859
No, you could add in dinner.
We haven't hit 40 minutes.
498
00:35:13,946 --> 00:35:17,658
I wouldn't want to. 40 minutes?
Get off me. I got stuff to do.
499
00:35:20,369 --> 00:35:21,787
Where's my phone?
500
00:35:27,668 --> 00:35:31,213
At an hour, I just put in earplugs
and cried myself to sleep.
501
00:35:31,922 --> 00:35:35,176
I don't wanna know
these people even exist out there.
502
00:35:35,259 --> 00:35:38,721
Woke up the next morning,
7:00 in the morning, still heard it,
503
00:35:38,804 --> 00:35:41,599
Still heard it, 7:00 in the morning!
I go, wait a minute.
504
00:35:41,682 --> 00:35:43,976
This isn't people. This is porn.
505
00:35:44,268 --> 00:35:47,188
This is porn. I was so relieved.
506
00:35:47,271 --> 00:35:51,066
But then I got angry, who's in there
at the ass-end of a pandemic,
507
00:35:51,150 --> 00:35:53,152
spraying all over like Frank?
508
00:35:54,987 --> 00:35:59,658
A man. A disgusting man. Awful.
509
00:36:02,661 --> 00:36:06,457
Look, I'm not gonna judge you,
or where you're at in your relationship.
510
00:36:06,540 --> 00:36:08,500
Single or married? I don't know.
511
00:36:08,584 --> 00:36:12,004
These are things are complicated,
they're difficult to navigate.
512
00:36:12,087 --> 00:36:14,298
It's tricky, you hook up with somebody
513
00:36:14,381 --> 00:36:16,675
you don't know,
you're gonna go the distance?
514
00:36:16,759 --> 00:36:19,011
That's gonna change.
You're gonna change.
515
00:36:19,094 --> 00:36:21,931
You'll both get weird hobbies,
start doing weird things.
516
00:36:22,014 --> 00:36:24,850
You're gonna look weird.
It's gonna change.
517
00:36:24,934 --> 00:36:28,479
You're gonna find out things about
your spouse you didn't see coming.
518
00:36:28,562 --> 00:36:31,440
I just found out
my wife doesn't like when I read.
519
00:36:32,441 --> 00:36:38,155
She doesn't like when I read! Anything!
A book, a magazine, a cereal box.
520
00:36:38,239 --> 00:36:42,493
If my wife sees me reading, she doesn't
think, "He needs some quiet time."
521
00:36:42,576 --> 00:36:47,373
No, she thinks, "He's bored. Let me
tell him a story about my sister at work."
522
00:36:52,962 --> 00:36:55,714
"He's reading a book.
He must be really bored."
523
00:36:55,798 --> 00:36:59,593
"Let me tell him about my mom's
new lease agreement on her apartment."
524
00:37:02,054 --> 00:37:03,055
Ugh.
525
00:37:03,889 --> 00:37:07,893
The other time she likes to talk
is late at night.
526
00:37:07,977 --> 00:37:11,563
Late at night when I get into bed,
put my head on the pillow,
527
00:37:11,647 --> 00:37:13,565
and turn out the lights.
528
00:37:13,649 --> 00:37:18,070
That's when she likes
to talk about cancer,
529
00:37:19,863 --> 00:37:24,201
child abductions, and the end of days.
530
00:37:26,662 --> 00:37:30,624
Whatever bad news
she gathered up during the day,
531
00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:34,169
she's gonna sprinkle
on my side of the bed.
532
00:37:36,714 --> 00:37:39,967
Until she unloads and starts to snore.
533
00:37:45,431 --> 00:37:49,977
As soon as she turns out the light,
"I spoke to your mom on the phone today."
534
00:37:50,853 --> 00:37:55,858
"She sounded so old. I wonder
how much more time we have with her."
535
00:38:00,529 --> 00:38:04,867
"Have you pet the cat recently?
He's got a tumor on his neck."
536
00:38:06,535 --> 00:38:10,956
"Carol's cat grew a tumor. It's so big,
it looks like he's wearing a hat."
537
00:38:13,208 --> 00:38:16,378
"Did I mention I spoke to your mom
on the phone today?"
538
00:38:16,462 --> 00:38:18,922
"Who's older, your mother or your father?"
539
00:38:19,006 --> 00:38:22,426
"One of 'em's not making it
to Christmas, I can feel it."
540
00:38:26,555 --> 00:38:30,100
"I can't believe our daughters
are going away to college soon."
541
00:38:30,184 --> 00:38:34,605
"It's terrible to think they'll be out in
the world with all those horrible men."
542
00:38:34,688 --> 00:38:37,149
"Probably no more horrible
than what they're doing
543
00:38:37,232 --> 00:38:39,693
in their rooms on their phones
right now, though."
544
00:38:40,361 --> 00:38:43,989
"Carol's daughters have been
taking pictures of their vaginas,
545
00:38:44,406 --> 00:38:46,241
putting 'em on the internet."
546
00:38:51,830 --> 00:38:55,501
"Do you think that's what
our daughters are doing right now?"
547
00:38:56,794 --> 00:39:01,507
"Twenty feet from our bed,
on our family plan?"
548
00:39:05,594 --> 00:39:08,639
"I spoke to your mom.
I spoke to your mom on the..."
549
00:39:08,722 --> 00:39:12,476
[snoring, exhales deeply]
550
00:39:21,318 --> 00:39:24,279
And I stare at the ceiling
for six straight hours
551
00:39:25,239 --> 00:39:27,032
just waiting for the sun to come up
552
00:39:27,116 --> 00:39:30,744
so I can get some coffee, and get away
from this devil woman I sleep with.
553
00:39:35,916 --> 00:39:39,420
Shouldn't be sleeping
in the same bed anymore. Not all the time.
554
00:39:39,503 --> 00:39:40,921
Once in a while it's fun.
555
00:39:41,004 --> 00:39:44,049
But, you know look,
I hope you find love in life. I really do.
556
00:39:44,133 --> 00:39:46,051
I hope you're as lucky as I have been.
557
00:39:46,135 --> 00:39:49,221
It doesn't mean a life sentence
of having to be in the same bed
558
00:39:49,304 --> 00:39:51,557
with your partner
for the rest of your life.
559
00:39:52,015 --> 00:39:55,144
Oh my God. Look, I tell her,
"Look, someone's leaving tonight."
560
00:39:55,227 --> 00:39:58,230
"Someone's getting the pillow,
kicking the other one
561
00:39:58,313 --> 00:40:01,191
and leaving in the middle
of the night in a rage."
562
00:40:01,275 --> 00:40:04,194
Why not do that at 10:00,
with a peck on the cheek?
563
00:40:07,614 --> 00:40:11,618
"Love you. Mwah.
See you in the morning. Mwah"
564
00:40:13,287 --> 00:40:16,290
She won't do it. She's hanging on to
the young version of us.
565
00:40:16,373 --> 00:40:19,251
And of course, starting out,
you should be in the same bed.
566
00:40:19,334 --> 00:40:22,171
You have to be!
You're young, sexual, you're in love.
567
00:40:22,254 --> 00:40:24,006
Make love three times a night.
568
00:40:24,089 --> 00:40:28,802
You end up asleep in a pretzel twist,
foot in your face, hanging upside down.
569
00:40:28,886 --> 00:40:30,971
And you do sleep well that way.
570
00:40:31,054 --> 00:40:34,308
That's the thing. You actually sleep
a solid eight hours that way.
571
00:40:34,391 --> 00:40:37,644
And you wake up in the morning
so refreshed and in love.
572
00:40:37,728 --> 00:40:40,898
You look at each other,
"Let's do it again."
573
00:40:40,981 --> 00:40:43,442
"Let's have morning sex," you say.
574
00:40:44,193 --> 00:40:46,445
We don't say that where I live.
575
00:40:47,696 --> 00:40:51,492
No, we're too busy in the morning
pointing at each other
576
00:40:51,575 --> 00:40:56,038
and blaming each other
for who ruined the sleep last night.
577
00:40:59,750 --> 00:41:05,506
"It was you. There's something
wrong with you."
578
00:41:05,589 --> 00:41:08,675
"Oh, no. You need a doctor."
579
00:41:09,885 --> 00:41:13,889
"There's something inside of you
and it's trying to get out."
580
00:41:17,809 --> 00:41:22,147
And the reality is it's probably
both of us because we're over 40.
581
00:41:22,231 --> 00:41:25,526
And if you're over 40,
you have a 50% chance of getting
582
00:41:25,609 --> 00:41:27,569
a good night's sleep tonight.
583
00:41:27,653 --> 00:41:29,571
Fifty percent. Just you, alone.
584
00:41:29,655 --> 00:41:32,241
Fifty percent chance
you'll get a good night's sleep.
585
00:41:32,324 --> 00:41:34,993
'Cause you're dying. You're slowly dying.
586
00:41:35,869 --> 00:41:40,165
Your body's trying to choke you out
and technology's keeping you alive.
587
00:41:41,667 --> 00:41:44,336
Fifty percent chance you'll get
a good night's sleep.
588
00:41:44,419 --> 00:41:48,799
And not 'cause you did something crazy,
not 'cause you went on a cocaine bender.
589
00:41:48,882 --> 00:41:53,220
No, someone had a cookie after 6:00.
590
00:41:59,434 --> 00:42:02,896
"Donna had cheese at the party. Oh, no!"
591
00:42:03,021 --> 00:42:05,816
"She's not going
to breathe right for a week."
592
00:42:07,568 --> 00:42:11,738
"Bob had three beers. Three beers.
Welcome to the Fart Palace."
593
00:42:13,699 --> 00:42:16,159
"Buckle up. No one's sleeping tonight."
594
00:42:19,204 --> 00:42:22,833
My wife has a lot going on.
She grinds her teeth in her sleep.
595
00:42:22,916 --> 00:42:26,295
She's so angry she's grinding
her own teeth down to nubs.
596
00:42:27,170 --> 00:42:30,048
Rather than find out the cause
of that, they don't do that.
597
00:42:30,132 --> 00:42:33,260
Instead they just give
her an NFL issued mouthpiece
598
00:42:33,594 --> 00:42:37,389
and just shove that in her mouth
like a chew toy from Petco.
599
00:42:40,392 --> 00:42:44,229
She goes through three or four
a month like an angry beaver.
600
00:42:44,313 --> 00:42:47,107
[grinding]
601
00:42:48,734 --> 00:42:51,486
I wake up with bits
of plastic all over my face.
602
00:42:51,570 --> 00:42:53,739
[grinding]
603
00:42:58,285 --> 00:43:01,121
And it's blue and it glows in the dark.
604
00:43:01,538 --> 00:43:04,916
Yeah, that's how I know
if we're fooling around at night.
605
00:43:05,000 --> 00:43:08,378
If I see a blue floaty thing
coming across the room...
606
00:43:11,381 --> 00:43:12,591
Not happening.
607
00:43:14,092 --> 00:43:18,680
Not tonight.
She just put on her equipment.
608
00:43:20,515 --> 00:43:26,104
Put on her headgear and her mouthguard
and her eucalyptus ointments,
609
00:43:26,188 --> 00:43:30,442
climbs into bed with her
unshaved legs like a koala bear.
610
00:43:31,234 --> 00:43:34,946
Like an angry koala bear
trying out for the Packers.
611
00:43:42,412 --> 00:43:45,707
And she gets up to pee like six,
seven times a night.
612
00:43:45,791 --> 00:43:49,628
I didn't know a woman could have
a swollen prostate, but she does.
613
00:43:51,672 --> 00:43:53,799
And when she walks, her ankle pops.
614
00:43:53,882 --> 00:43:56,551
You can hear it! Pop, pop, pop, pop.
615
00:43:57,678 --> 00:44:02,474
You don't hear it during the day when
there's leaf blowers and garbage trucks.
616
00:44:02,557 --> 00:44:04,601
You don't hear it at all.
617
00:44:04,685 --> 00:44:08,271
Three o'clock in the morning,
loudest sound you'll ever hear.
618
00:44:08,355 --> 00:44:09,815
Pop, pop, pop, pop.
619
00:44:09,898 --> 00:44:12,609
Trying to breathe
through the mouthpiece...
620
00:44:12,693 --> 00:44:15,737
[breathing hoarsely]
621
00:44:15,821 --> 00:44:18,782
Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
[breathing hoarsely]
622
00:44:18,865 --> 00:44:22,619
It's like Darth Vader's trapped
in bubble wrap in my bedroom.
623
00:44:24,037 --> 00:44:26,915
And that's why you
should get married, too.
624
00:44:28,917 --> 00:44:30,919
[audience cheering]
625
00:44:41,638 --> 00:44:44,099
It's weird being a human being, isn't it?
626
00:44:44,182 --> 00:44:47,644
This is weird, what you're going through.
I know, 'cause I'm one, too.
627
00:44:48,395 --> 00:44:49,479
It's weird.
628
00:44:49,563 --> 00:44:51,940
The reason we're here,
to connect with people.
629
00:44:52,023 --> 00:44:54,109
It's our whole thing,
connect with people.
630
00:44:54,192 --> 00:44:58,029
Befriend people, date people,
marry people, make new people.
631
00:44:58,113 --> 00:45:01,032
But everybody that you fall in love with,
connect with,
632
00:45:01,116 --> 00:45:04,202
you have more to worry about.
Every love is a worry.
633
00:45:04,286 --> 00:45:07,664
It's a weird way to live.
That's why everyone's on drugs.
634
00:45:09,791 --> 00:45:11,501
First time I took my daughter
635
00:45:11,585 --> 00:45:13,920
into a doctor's appointment
when she was a baby,
636
00:45:14,004 --> 00:45:17,591
Her first doctor's appointment I realized,
"I'm never gonna sleep again."
637
00:45:17,674 --> 00:45:22,012
I never loved something so much
and felt so vulnerable at the same time.
638
00:45:22,095 --> 00:45:25,265
It's a weird way to live.
Everything was cool, but terrifying.
639
00:45:25,348 --> 00:45:28,685
Doctor's like, "Everything's great,
everything's good."
640
00:45:28,768 --> 00:45:29,978
"Okay, good."
641
00:45:30,061 --> 00:45:32,481
"One thing."
"Oh, shit. What is it?"
642
00:45:32,564 --> 00:45:34,900
Start sweating immediately.
643
00:45:34,983 --> 00:45:38,778
"Not a big deal,
but her head is in the fifth percentile."
644
00:45:43,116 --> 00:45:44,701
"What does that mean?"
645
00:45:44,784 --> 00:45:48,955
"It means that 95% of the heads
out there are bigger than her head."
646
00:45:50,081 --> 00:45:53,084
"What?"
"Yes. Only 5% of the population
647
00:45:53,168 --> 00:45:55,462
have a head as small as your daughter."
648
00:45:55,545 --> 00:45:58,340
"You don't see them,
'cause they're scurrying in the dark
649
00:45:58,423 --> 00:46:00,050
from alleyway to alleyway."
650
00:46:04,221 --> 00:46:05,222
"What?"
651
00:46:05,639 --> 00:46:08,183
"Not a big deal. We'll just
check every six months."
652
00:46:08,266 --> 00:46:10,477
"Okay."
I got her home,
653
00:46:10,560 --> 00:46:13,355
I took her to the playroom,
started blowing in her mouth.
654
00:46:13,438 --> 00:46:15,815
[blowing] "Come on, grow."
655
00:46:17,234 --> 00:46:21,988
Panicked for two years. There's nothing
to worry. Everyone's head grows.
656
00:46:22,072 --> 00:46:25,325
You never walk through the mall,
see someone with a ping pong head
657
00:46:25,408 --> 00:46:28,578
walking down the hall,
with a bottle cap for a hat. "Hello."
658
00:46:31,998 --> 00:46:34,167
No, everyone's head is fine.
659
00:46:34,543 --> 00:46:37,629
But you shouldn't stop loving
because of the fear. You can't.
660
00:46:37,712 --> 00:46:41,216
The more love, the less you actually
are frightened. You keep doing it.
661
00:46:41,299 --> 00:46:44,844
All the closest people in your life,
you don't know what they're up to.
662
00:46:44,928 --> 00:46:48,557
Everyone's got their own secrets, lives.
You're not responsible for them.
663
00:46:48,640 --> 00:46:50,892
Even the people you make!
Even your children!
664
00:46:51,101 --> 00:46:53,937
My daughter came home from college,
first year of college,
665
00:46:54,020 --> 00:46:56,356
I was like, "You're an adult now.
Welcome home."
666
00:46:56,439 --> 00:46:59,985
"Would you like some wine with dinner?
You're a grown-up now. Welcome."
667
00:47:00,068 --> 00:47:03,321
"How about some wine?"
"No, thanks, Dad. I don't drink."
668
00:47:03,405 --> 00:47:05,615
"Oh."
"I don't like alcohol."
669
00:47:05,699 --> 00:47:08,743
"Oh. What a good dad I am."
670
00:47:10,495 --> 00:47:12,497
She said, "I only smoke weed."
671
00:47:14,624 --> 00:47:16,751
"Oh? How long you been doing that?"
672
00:47:16,835 --> 00:47:19,546
"Since I was a freshman in high school,"
she said!
673
00:47:21,172 --> 00:47:22,090
"Oh?"
674
00:47:23,174 --> 00:47:25,885
"Where?"
"In my room," she said.
675
00:47:26,970 --> 00:47:29,014
Four years, straight A student.
676
00:47:29,097 --> 00:47:34,352
High as a kite, in my house.
She loved the weed.
677
00:47:34,436 --> 00:47:37,022
Here's the problem. I love the weed more.
678
00:47:38,315 --> 00:47:41,776
And for four years I didn't smoke it
because I wanted to be
679
00:47:41,860 --> 00:47:43,987
a good example for the children.
680
00:47:45,947 --> 00:47:49,117
For four years, I ate nothing but handfuls
681
00:47:49,200 --> 00:47:52,329
of melatonin gummies
to get some kind of buzz
682
00:47:52,412 --> 00:47:54,164
and eventually fall asleep.
683
00:47:54,247 --> 00:47:57,042
She was doing bong hits
right down the hall.
684
00:48:07,510 --> 00:48:11,598
My real goal, what I've learned having
these kids is make good people.
685
00:48:11,681 --> 00:48:15,226
There's a lot of bad people,
there's a lot of good people.
686
00:48:15,310 --> 00:48:17,562
We can't change the bad people,
apparently,
687
00:48:17,646 --> 00:48:20,899
but maybe we could outnumber them
by making more good people.
688
00:48:20,982 --> 00:48:22,609
Should be easy.
689
00:48:22,692 --> 00:48:26,154
[audience applauds]
690
00:48:26,696 --> 00:48:31,034
It's not like bad people are making
great kids. No, they make shitty kids.
691
00:48:31,117 --> 00:48:35,747
You see them out there, knocking things
over in restaurants, falling down wells.
692
00:48:37,290 --> 00:48:39,793
I don't know why we even scoop 'em out.
693
00:48:40,627 --> 00:48:43,505
Who's falling down a well? Not a good kid.
694
00:48:43,588 --> 00:48:45,382
They're gonna fall again.
695
00:48:46,466 --> 00:48:50,303
Seems like it should be easy to change
bad people, doesn't it? Should be easy.
696
00:48:50,387 --> 00:48:54,474
it's common sense: your life will be
better if you just turn it down a notch,
697
00:48:54,557 --> 00:48:56,643
and try and get along with the rest of us.
698
00:48:56,768 --> 00:49:00,271
I know you don't care about anyone else,
but your life will be better,
699
00:49:00,355 --> 00:49:03,400
and less stressed
if you just turn it down a notch.
700
00:49:03,483 --> 00:49:05,902
We're not even asking you
to do anything extra.
701
00:49:05,985 --> 00:49:09,489
Just do less of what you're doing now.
702
00:49:11,241 --> 00:49:12,659
Start small.
703
00:49:13,076 --> 00:49:14,661
Start small.
704
00:49:14,744 --> 00:49:17,831
Don't put testicles
on the back of your pickup truck.
705
00:49:18,915 --> 00:49:20,834
Why are you doing that?
706
00:49:21,668 --> 00:49:25,255
What is wrong with you?
And why are you doing that?
707
00:49:25,630 --> 00:49:28,717
I have a minivan filled
with children and old people.
708
00:49:28,800 --> 00:49:31,803
We don't need you teabagging us
on the freeway.
709
00:49:38,101 --> 00:49:40,145
Not easy to be good,
you gotta work at it.
710
00:49:40,228 --> 00:49:43,857
You're good people, I can tell.
People at my shows are always nice people.
711
00:49:43,940 --> 00:49:46,151
But you gotta work at it.
You all drive cars,
712
00:49:46,317 --> 00:49:48,653
so I know you're an asshole
once in a while.
713
00:49:48,737 --> 00:49:52,073
Everyone's merging, a nice beautiful day.
You even surprise yourself.
714
00:49:52,157 --> 00:49:53,783
All of a sudden, out of nowhere,
715
00:49:53,867 --> 00:49:57,370
"Not today, you old bag.
You're not getting in front of me. No!"
716
00:49:58,037 --> 00:50:01,374
"I feel you're looking at me.
I'm not gonna look back."
717
00:50:01,458 --> 00:50:04,794
"Not today, raisin face. Not today."
718
00:50:05,754 --> 00:50:08,131
Where the hell did that come from?
719
00:50:08,214 --> 00:50:11,009
Got to work at it.
Be nice to people in customer service.
720
00:50:11,092 --> 00:50:14,721
Be nice to people in customer service.
You think they want to wait on you?
721
00:50:14,846 --> 00:50:17,557
These people waiting--
No, you're not the queen
722
00:50:17,640 --> 00:50:19,809
because you walked into a restaurant.
723
00:50:19,893 --> 00:50:22,771
They don't want to wait on you.
They just-- It's their job.
724
00:50:22,854 --> 00:50:24,939
They just wanna make money,
pay their rent,
725
00:50:25,023 --> 00:50:26,858
and buy some cocaine on the way home.
726
00:50:29,194 --> 00:50:30,862
And from a former busboy,
727
00:50:30,945 --> 00:50:34,657
be nice to the busboys,
those people will lick your rolls.
728
00:50:38,536 --> 00:50:41,289
Be nice to people
in customer service on the phone.
729
00:50:41,372 --> 00:50:44,209
You think these kids in India
want these jobs? Helping us?
730
00:50:44,292 --> 00:50:46,711
No, they just want
their families to survive.
731
00:50:46,795 --> 00:50:49,881
Can you imagine them telling their friends
they got these jobs?
732
00:50:49,964 --> 00:50:52,717
"I got a job today."
"Good for you! What are you doing?"
733
00:50:52,842 --> 00:50:56,679
"I'm gonna help Americans
fix their computers over the phone."
734
00:50:57,388 --> 00:50:58,890
"Oh, no!"
735
00:50:59,766 --> 00:51:02,852
"You don't even have a computer."
"I know."
736
00:51:05,563 --> 00:51:08,024
"You hardly speak English."
"I know."
737
00:51:09,526 --> 00:51:12,278
"They're gonna kill you."
"I start tomorrow."
738
00:51:15,365 --> 00:51:17,492
I'm supporting babies who cry
on airplanes.
739
00:51:17,575 --> 00:51:19,452
Yeah. I'm team baby now.
740
00:51:19,536 --> 00:51:22,539
I'm always next to some businessman
who's always complaining.
741
00:51:22,622 --> 00:51:24,624
"Who's gonna shut that damn kid up?"
742
00:51:24,707 --> 00:51:27,585
No, wait a minute. You shut up.
You're a man.
743
00:51:27,669 --> 00:51:31,381
You're a man with hairy arms and a wallet.
744
00:51:32,674 --> 00:51:36,553
You chose to be on this flight.
That baby doesn't wanna be here.
745
00:51:36,636 --> 00:51:40,431
No baby wants to be at 30,000 feet
with their skeleton collapsing
746
00:51:40,515 --> 00:51:42,433
like a Poland Spring bottle.
747
00:51:44,477 --> 00:51:48,064
Sitting at ass level with all you
middle-aged gas bags,
748
00:51:48,147 --> 00:51:50,733
crop dusting them on the way to your seat.
749
00:51:51,317 --> 00:51:54,904
No, that kid's in a bad spot right now.
750
00:51:54,988 --> 00:51:57,323
He should be crying on the airplane.
751
00:51:57,699 --> 00:52:00,368
We all should be crying on the airplane.
752
00:52:00,451 --> 00:52:03,079
He's the only honest one
on the goddamn plane.
753
00:52:09,919 --> 00:52:12,839
And let me be clear.
I'm not even a fan of babies.
754
00:52:12,922 --> 00:52:15,967
I'm not. I made two
and I still don't like 'em.
755
00:52:16,050 --> 00:52:20,805
I don't trust anyone who's heart you can
see beating out of the top of their head.
756
00:52:21,514 --> 00:52:24,601
Useless dinner roll feet,
can't stand for years.
757
00:52:24,684 --> 00:52:28,646
No, I don't like them. But if
a kid's crying, they're in a bad spot.
758
00:52:28,730 --> 00:52:32,734
They're at church, restaurant
or on a plane. You know, let 'em cry.
759
00:52:32,817 --> 00:52:35,904
You took 'em out too early.
Why you gotta take them everywhere?
760
00:52:35,987 --> 00:52:38,698
They're babies. Leave 'em at home.
That's a happy baby.
761
00:52:39,365 --> 00:52:43,369
At home, 72 degrees, naked,
Cheerios stuck to their torso.
762
00:52:43,870 --> 00:52:47,582
Eating out of the cat dish.
That's a happy baby.
763
00:52:48,583 --> 00:52:51,878
You gotta go out, putting a big
pink bow on her bald head
764
00:52:51,961 --> 00:52:54,005
so everyone stops calling her a boy.
765
00:52:55,590 --> 00:52:58,509
She looks like a boy. She's not done yet.
766
00:53:00,219 --> 00:53:04,682
She looks like a man. She looks like
a middle-aged man working at the docks.
767
00:53:06,643 --> 00:53:09,646
Give her a year,
let her fill in, then take her for a ride.
768
00:53:12,065 --> 00:53:14,651
Now you wanna complain
to me about toddlers
769
00:53:14,734 --> 00:53:18,488
who have their own seats in
business class? I'll listen to you.
770
00:53:19,322 --> 00:53:20,865
Because that should be illegal.
771
00:53:21,449 --> 00:53:24,243
I travel a lot,
that's tough to take, my friends,
772
00:53:24,327 --> 00:53:26,955
when I don't get the upgrade,
and I'm jammed in coach
773
00:53:27,038 --> 00:53:29,874
between two sumo wrestlers in track suits
774
00:53:29,958 --> 00:53:33,211
eating pretzels like a praying mantis
for six hours.
775
00:53:38,299 --> 00:53:41,928
And the toddler standing naked
in my seat, drinking a mimosa
776
00:53:42,011 --> 00:53:44,806
and giving me the finger
through the curtain.
777
00:53:48,351 --> 00:53:49,644
Tough to take.
778
00:53:52,480 --> 00:53:56,484
Look, I understand why we get angry
at babies, hearing them cry on a plane.
779
00:53:56,567 --> 00:54:00,196
Because you're scared. That
businessman's scared. We're all scared.
780
00:54:00,279 --> 00:54:03,408
It's scary up there. Scary. It's scary.
781
00:54:03,491 --> 00:54:06,285
We're not far from
the children that we were.
782
00:54:06,369 --> 00:54:09,872
You get scared, hear a cry for help,
and get more unnerved.
783
00:54:09,956 --> 00:54:13,793
That was the nice thing about being home
for two years, you feel safe at home.
784
00:54:13,876 --> 00:54:17,171
Gives you this illusion that you've
got control over the universe.
785
00:54:17,255 --> 00:54:18,589
Which, of course, we don't.
786
00:54:18,673 --> 00:54:22,969
But at least there you know where the
toilet paper is, where all the spoons go.
787
00:54:23,094 --> 00:54:25,304
Then as soon as you travel,
it's uncertainty.
788
00:54:25,388 --> 00:54:27,390
I've had a great time with you tonight.
789
00:54:27,515 --> 00:54:30,018
This was a wonderful experience.
I love all of you,
790
00:54:30,101 --> 00:54:31,853
but it was hell getting here.
791
00:54:32,437 --> 00:54:34,022
Soon as you get to security,
792
00:54:34,105 --> 00:54:37,066
you're like a third grader
being yelled at by the principal.
793
00:54:37,150 --> 00:54:40,319
As soon as you leave your house,
Security's holding up your bag.
794
00:54:40,403 --> 00:54:43,281
"Whose bag is this?"
"Ah, shit. My bag."
795
00:54:44,741 --> 00:54:46,743
"Is there water in here?"
"Maybe."
796
00:54:48,286 --> 00:54:51,080
"You're a moron."
"No, I can do things."
797
00:54:58,212 --> 00:55:00,798
Then you get to the hotel,
more uncertainty, right?
798
00:55:00,882 --> 00:55:03,468
How does the key work?
How does the elevator work?
799
00:55:03,551 --> 00:55:06,262
How's the remote control?
How's the thermostat work?
800
00:55:06,345 --> 00:55:08,014
Whose curly hair is this?
801
00:55:08,097 --> 00:55:10,433
[audience groans]
802
00:55:12,769 --> 00:55:16,355
How do you turn on the lamp?
How do you turn on the damn lamp?
803
00:55:16,439 --> 00:55:20,151
Why are there so many lamps?
You can never find the switch on the lamp.
804
00:55:20,234 --> 00:55:24,530
Is it on the base? Is it on the stem?
Is it a chain? Where's the switch?
805
00:55:24,947 --> 00:55:29,952
You put it on the wire, under the table?
You heartless sons of bitches.
806
00:55:36,292 --> 00:55:39,921
I'm just a strange man
in a strange town trying to survive.
807
00:55:40,004 --> 00:55:42,965
This is the easiest travel you could have,
by the way.
808
00:55:43,049 --> 00:55:46,552
This is alone with a wheelie bag.
Then you travel with your family.
809
00:55:46,636 --> 00:55:52,100
Oh. That's hell on Earth.
A family vacation? Don't do that.
810
00:55:52,183 --> 00:55:55,394
Don't do that. Look, a family
is a bad organization.
811
00:55:55,478 --> 00:55:57,522
It barely works at home.
812
00:55:58,689 --> 00:56:00,733
Why would you take it on the road?
813
00:56:01,943 --> 00:56:03,945
And I'm always so stupid.
I always think,
814
00:56:04,028 --> 00:56:06,405
when we get to the resort,
then I'll have fun.
815
00:56:06,489 --> 00:56:10,785
Travel will be hell, of course, but when
we get to the resort, I'll have my time.
816
00:56:10,868 --> 00:56:12,203
No, you moron.
817
00:56:12,286 --> 00:56:16,207
Now you're in this weird reality show
with obstacles being thrown at you
818
00:56:16,290 --> 00:56:19,460
you couldn't even dream of.
They come running out of nowhere.
819
00:56:19,544 --> 00:56:22,922
"Your wife was just stung
in the vagina by a jellyfish, go!"
820
00:56:29,470 --> 00:56:32,348
"Your mother-in-law is trying out
her Spanish on the busboy
821
00:56:32,431 --> 00:56:34,642
and saying slightly racist comments, go!"
822
00:56:36,811 --> 00:56:39,480
Lo siento, lo siento.
823
00:56:41,566 --> 00:56:44,902
"Your youngest child broke out in hives
in the middle of the night."
824
00:56:44,986 --> 00:56:48,322
"There's not a hospital for hours.
What do you do?" What do I do?
825
00:56:48,406 --> 00:56:52,160
I'm gonna get a dirty
Benadryl out of the bottom of my backpack,
826
00:56:52,243 --> 00:56:54,453
take the hair off it, give it to her,
827
00:56:54,537 --> 00:56:57,874
put her back in bed
and hope she wakes up in the morning.
828
00:56:58,791 --> 00:57:01,669
I'm not a doctor.
I'm a drunk dad on vacation.
829
00:57:10,469 --> 00:57:13,723
And news flash, the kids
don't wanna be there either.
830
00:57:13,806 --> 00:57:17,727
No kid wants to be trapped in a hotel
room with their half-naked parents.
831
00:57:17,810 --> 00:57:20,563
The only two people
who can get them in trouble.
832
00:57:20,646 --> 00:57:24,192
Your whole childhood is spent
getting away from your parents.
833
00:57:24,275 --> 00:57:28,863
Hiding in tree houses, piles of leaves,
sleeping over at your friend's house.
834
00:57:28,946 --> 00:57:31,782
My friends and I used
to play in a drain pipe.
835
00:57:31,866 --> 00:57:37,622
A drain pipe that took all the human waste
from the town and dumped it in the lake.
836
00:57:37,705 --> 00:57:41,709
Yes, that's where we played,
in the town shit pipe.
837
00:57:42,502 --> 00:57:44,504
And we loved it
838
00:57:44,754 --> 00:57:48,382
because we knew our parents
would never look for us in the shit pipe.
839
00:57:49,342 --> 00:57:52,094
"Tom's been gone awhile.
Do you think he's in the pipe?"
840
00:57:52,178 --> 00:57:53,763
"No."
841
00:57:53,846 --> 00:57:55,848
It's scary in the shit pipe.
842
00:57:55,932 --> 00:57:58,601
It was! There were ghosts
and that clown from It.
843
00:57:58,684 --> 00:58:00,311
It was scary in there.
844
00:58:00,853 --> 00:58:04,732
But I would much rather be in the pipe
than sitting in a hotel room
845
00:58:04,815 --> 00:58:09,070
at the end of the bed waiting
for my father to come out of the bathroom
846
00:58:09,153 --> 00:58:10,821
for an hour and a half.
847
00:58:13,115 --> 00:58:14,951
"What are those noises?"
848
00:58:16,994 --> 00:58:20,540
"Sounded like a bear rummaging through
a dumpster filled with balloons."
849
00:58:23,000 --> 00:58:26,629
He'd come out an hour later.
"I wouldn't go in there if I were you."
850
00:58:27,255 --> 00:58:30,508
"But I have to go in there.
There's nowhere else to go."
851
00:58:30,883 --> 00:58:33,594
Walking through a toxic haze. [groans]
852
00:58:34,387 --> 00:58:37,515
"Why does it smell like
an antique pet shop in here?"
853
00:58:38,891 --> 00:58:42,228
Standing in your socks in water.
"What did he do?"
854
00:58:44,188 --> 00:58:45,982
That's childhood, isn't it?
855
00:58:46,065 --> 00:58:49,485
Being stuck in your socks,
in some place you didn't ask to go.
856
00:58:49,569 --> 00:58:53,072
It's tough being a kid, isn't it?
It's like a hostage situation.
857
00:58:53,155 --> 00:58:57,285
Eighteen years being dragged around
by these two kidnappers.
858
00:58:57,368 --> 00:59:01,330
No money, no identification. 18 years.
859
00:59:01,414 --> 00:59:03,165
No decision is your own.
860
00:59:03,249 --> 00:59:05,334
"Get in the car."
"Where're we going?"
861
00:59:05,418 --> 00:59:07,336
"I said get in the car."
862
00:59:12,800 --> 00:59:14,594
Thank you so much for coming.
863
00:59:15,970 --> 00:59:19,140
You guys were tremendous.
Thank you so much.
864
00:59:19,223 --> 00:59:21,934
[audience cheering, applauding]
865
00:59:25,855 --> 00:59:30,860
Sincerely, thank you so much.
Take care of yourselves.
866
00:59:30,943 --> 00:59:35,239
Take care of yourselves and I'll see you
next time around. Thank you.
867
00:59:37,950 --> 00:59:41,037
[cheering, applauding]