1
00:00:06,090 --> 00:00:08,092
[cheering]
2
00:00:11,304 --> 00:00:14,557
[announcer] Nashville, Tennessee,
are you ready?
3
00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:16,851
[cheering]
4
00:00:16,934 --> 00:00:20,063
Ryman Auditorium, are you ready?
5
00:00:20,146 --> 00:00:23,191
[cheering]
6
00:00:23,274 --> 00:00:24,859
Please welcome
7
00:00:25,943 --> 00:00:31,574
Chelsea Handler!
8
00:00:31,657 --> 00:00:34,577
[cheering continues]
9
00:00:35,495 --> 00:00:36,662
[drowned out by cheering]
10
00:00:43,044 --> 00:00:45,213
[cheering continues]
11
00:00:51,594 --> 00:00:53,596
[cheering continues]
12
00:00:54,931 --> 00:00:56,808
Yeah!
13
00:00:56,891 --> 00:00:58,851
What's up, Nashville?
14
00:00:58,935 --> 00:01:00,520
[cheering]
15
00:01:03,272 --> 00:01:05,525
Oh, yeah, what a warm welcome.
16
00:01:05,608 --> 00:01:07,610
Woo!
17
00:01:08,778 --> 00:01:12,448
Oh my God, you guys, we made it.
We're survivors!
18
00:01:12,532 --> 00:01:14,534
[cheering]
19
00:01:15,660 --> 00:01:18,538
We survived a global pandemic,
20
00:01:18,621 --> 00:01:21,958
and now we're gonna pretend
it's not happening anymore.
21
00:01:22,708 --> 00:01:24,544
And I am down with that!
22
00:01:24,627 --> 00:01:26,129
[cheering]
23
00:01:26,712 --> 00:01:27,964
[sighs contentedly]
24
00:01:28,047 --> 00:01:30,091
What an exciting time to be alive.
25
00:01:31,551 --> 00:01:35,263
Right? I mean, I don't wanna
toot my own horn, you guys,
26
00:01:36,013 --> 00:01:39,559
but after the last
two and a half, three years
27
00:01:39,642 --> 00:01:43,688
of watching everybody
stuck inside their houses
28
00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:45,314
with their spouses
29
00:01:47,191 --> 00:01:48,401
and babies,
30
00:01:49,277 --> 00:01:54,782
I have never been more confident
in my life-decision-making skills.
31
00:01:54,866 --> 00:01:56,868
[cheering and applause]
32
00:02:01,247 --> 00:02:03,666
In remaining childless and alone!
33
00:02:03,749 --> 00:02:06,043
[cheering]
34
00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:09,547
The entire reason
that I have never had a child
35
00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:11,382
was on the off chance…
36
00:02:16,012 --> 00:02:19,932
I might live through a global pandemic
and would have to home school it.
37
00:02:20,933 --> 00:02:22,560
Fuck that noise.
38
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:27,190
There are people that will never recover
from what happened.
39
00:02:28,024 --> 00:02:29,650
And they're called parents.
40
00:02:30,943 --> 00:02:32,945
Can you imagine becoming a parent,
41
00:02:33,029 --> 00:02:35,907
you've already made a huge miscalculation,
42
00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:39,035
and the one reprieve you get
43
00:02:39,118 --> 00:02:42,330
is when you send that child
off to school to get an education,
44
00:02:42,413 --> 00:02:46,375
and that is stolen away from you
in the name of a plague?
45
00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:55,676
The real reason I've never had a child
was I don't wanna be responsible
46
00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:59,096
for conveying misinformation
to people that are growing.
47
00:03:00,431 --> 00:03:04,310
You know? I'm still confused
about a lot of shit that is going on.
48
00:03:04,894 --> 00:03:09,190
And at a certain age,
it is too embarrassing to ask questions.
49
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,657
I only recently found out…
50
00:03:18,574 --> 00:03:21,994
And by recently, I mean seven years ago,
when I turned 40.
51
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:26,624
I only recently found out
that the sun and the moon
52
00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,084
are not the same thing.
53
00:03:34,799 --> 00:03:36,425
I was flabbergasted.
54
00:03:38,261 --> 00:03:41,806
I was in Africa on safari
with my older sister, Simone,
55
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:43,432
and we were riding an elephant,
56
00:03:43,516 --> 00:03:46,644
and there was an African man
riding the elephant for us
57
00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:49,230
because that's what rich white bitches do.
58
00:03:54,860 --> 00:03:56,362
And we were trotting along,
59
00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:59,699
or whatever it's called
when an elephant is on the move.
60
00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:04,787
And my sister, Simone,
slaps me on the shoulder,
61
00:04:04,870 --> 00:04:07,873
and she goes,
"Chels, Chels, look up at the sky."
62
00:04:07,957 --> 00:04:10,501
"It's not often you get to see the sun…
63
00:04:16,507 --> 00:04:17,633
and the moon
64
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:19,969
at the same time."
65
00:04:20,052 --> 00:04:21,012
And I was like…
66
00:04:24,390 --> 00:04:25,725
I was like Scooby-Doo.
67
00:04:25,808 --> 00:04:27,351
[mimicking Scooby-Doo] "Where is it?"
68
00:04:27,893 --> 00:04:30,021
I said, "Aren't they always together?"
69
00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:33,941
And the look on my sister's face,
70
00:04:34,025 --> 00:04:36,694
right away, I was like,
"Back that up. Back that up."
71
00:04:38,154 --> 00:04:41,032
She goes, "What did you say?"
I said, "I didn't say anything."
72
00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:46,454
She goes, "I heard what you said."
73
00:04:47,580 --> 00:04:49,582
"And I need you to explain to me
74
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:54,545
what you think is happening
between the sun and the moon."
75
00:04:58,174 --> 00:05:01,427
I was like, "Listen, honestly,
I haven't really thought about it."
76
00:05:02,428 --> 00:05:04,096
"It's not a huge concern of mine."
77
00:05:04,180 --> 00:05:06,349
"It's operating fine
without my interference."
78
00:05:06,432 --> 00:05:09,185
"Why would I even get involved,
you narcissist?"
79
00:05:12,188 --> 00:05:13,564
"But if you must know,
80
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,192
I just assumed
81
00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:19,362
that when the sun dropped down,
82
00:05:19,445 --> 00:05:21,280
it popped back up as the moon."
83
00:05:23,449 --> 00:05:24,992
"Is that not what's going on?"
84
00:05:26,952 --> 00:05:30,373
The man riding the elephant,
who spoke no English, went, "Pfft!"
85
00:05:35,711 --> 00:05:38,756
He was thinking, "Another dumb American."
86
00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:43,594
My sister goes, "How is it possible
that you're 40 years old
87
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:47,556
and you make this kind of living
and you don't know basic astronomy?"
88
00:05:48,057 --> 00:05:51,268
I said, "Why don't you
back the duck up, okay?"
89
00:05:52,645 --> 00:05:54,814
"We are in the southern hemisphere
right now."
90
00:05:54,897 --> 00:05:57,483
"I don't even know
which moon you're talking about."
91
00:06:07,743 --> 00:06:09,703
She goes, "No, you listen to me."
92
00:06:10,454 --> 00:06:11,664
"There is one moon."
93
00:06:12,832 --> 00:06:15,960
"In the whole solar system,
there's one fucking moon."
94
00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:18,796
"And then there's a sun.
There's also one sun."
95
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:22,133
"And then there's one fucking moron.
Which one are you?"
96
00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:29,390
I was like, "The sun?"
97
00:06:33,436 --> 00:06:37,356
Before this pandemic, I had never
spent two weeks alone with myself.
98
00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:43,070
I had never had a clue about how much
I enjoyed the pleasure of my own company.
99
00:06:44,572 --> 00:06:45,531
I was fun.
100
00:06:45,614 --> 00:06:47,616
[cheering]
101
00:06:47,700 --> 00:06:48,534
Yeah.
102
00:06:49,410 --> 00:06:50,244
Thank you.
103
00:06:51,287 --> 00:06:54,540
I'd wake up. I'd be in a good mood.
She'd be in a good mood.
104
00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:59,712
I'd be like, "You wanna party?" I'm like,
"I don't know, does me? Yeah, let's go!"
105
00:07:01,881 --> 00:07:05,759
Nothing serves as a better reminder
to not having children
106
00:07:05,843 --> 00:07:09,388
as setting your alarm for 10:00 a.m.
on a Monday morning.
107
00:07:09,472 --> 00:07:11,474
[cheering and applause]
108
00:07:14,685 --> 00:07:17,188
To remind yourself to do mushrooms.
109
00:07:20,566 --> 00:07:24,153
Have you ever taken mushrooms,
walked outside into your backyard,
110
00:07:24,236 --> 00:07:27,990
and talked to what you thought was a tree
for two hours
111
00:07:28,824 --> 00:07:31,660
until you realized
you were talking to your landscaper?
112
00:07:36,165 --> 00:07:39,126
Have you ever taken mushrooms
with your landscaper?
113
00:07:40,503 --> 00:07:43,839
You know who has time for that?
People who make strong decisions.
114
00:07:43,923 --> 00:07:44,757
[cheering]
115
00:07:48,344 --> 00:07:49,720
I know people who are married
116
00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:52,264
were going through their own personal hell
during COVID.
117
00:07:52,348 --> 00:07:55,643
And single people were going through
their own version of hell
118
00:07:55,726 --> 00:07:59,063
because we were like, "Oh, when are
we gonna get something going again?"
119
00:07:59,563 --> 00:08:02,024
The first dip there was in COVID,
it wasn't safe,
120
00:08:02,107 --> 00:08:04,318
but I was like,
"I gotta get back out there."
121
00:08:05,903 --> 00:08:07,530
I went in to see my gynecologist,
122
00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:09,865
and I was like,
"Listen, just tell me what's safe."
123
00:08:09,949 --> 00:08:13,285
You know, "Do I just get it from behind?
What's the best practice?"
124
00:08:22,586 --> 00:08:24,713
She said, "I know you think
you're in your forties
125
00:08:24,797 --> 00:08:26,257
and you can't get pregnant,
126
00:08:26,340 --> 00:08:30,386
but I'm here to tell you
that you have the eggs of a 25-year-old."
127
00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:36,600
I wanted to stab her with a fork
when she said that.
128
00:08:38,310 --> 00:08:39,603
I told her she could take my eggs
129
00:08:39,687 --> 00:08:42,815
and turn them into a frittata
for all I care.
130
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,651
I am looking to wrap shit up
in this department,
131
00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:47,319
not get the party started.
132
00:08:48,988 --> 00:08:51,615
I'm not into elderly pregnancies.
133
00:08:52,783 --> 00:08:53,784
Gross.
134
00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:59,915
I once did a Gwyneth Paltrow Goop panel
in New York City,
135
00:08:59,999 --> 00:09:03,669
and we were all on stage
on benches like this with microphones.
136
00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:08,632
It was Drew Barrymore, Gwyneth Paltrow,
Laura Linney from Ozark, and me.
137
00:09:08,716 --> 00:09:11,635
[scattered cheering and applause]
138
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:16,140
And we're all sitting there,
you know, talking about soap.
139
00:09:21,270 --> 00:09:25,107
And the conversation slowly shifted
to parenting, so I nodded off.
140
00:09:27,443 --> 00:09:29,695
I knew I had nothing to contribute
on that topic.
141
00:09:29,778 --> 00:09:33,157
You know what I mean? I'm not arrogant
to think, "I'm gonna chime in."
142
00:09:33,657 --> 00:09:34,825
Then I heard Laura Linney
143
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:39,246
talking about how all she ever wanted
her entire life was to become a mother.
144
00:09:39,330 --> 00:09:41,165
That was her one true purpose.
145
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:43,626
And that she had
a really hard time getting pregnant,
146
00:09:43,709 --> 00:09:47,046
and so she did several rounds
of in vitro fertilization.
147
00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:50,382
And then, out of respect,
I opened my eyes.
148
00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,182
And then she said the sentence,
149
00:09:58,265 --> 00:09:59,975
"And then by some act of God,
150
00:10:00,059 --> 00:10:04,772
I was able to vaginally give birth
at the age of 50," and I went…
151
00:10:04,855 --> 00:10:05,981
"Bleurgh!"
152
00:10:07,691 --> 00:10:09,318
And grabbed my pikachu.
153
00:10:09,401 --> 00:10:11,612
My vagina sewed itself shut that day.
154
00:10:12,863 --> 00:10:16,075
I thought I was gonna catch her baby
just by virtue of her talking about it.
155
00:10:16,158 --> 00:10:18,077
"Get the fuck away from me, Laura Linney."
156
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:21,121
"Get the fuck away from me
with your 50-year-old baby."
157
00:10:27,461 --> 00:10:29,338
I'm not against people having children.
158
00:10:29,421 --> 00:10:33,050
If you're passionate about wanting a baby,
I get it. I wanna support you.
159
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:36,136
But it's when you're on the fence
and you have a baby.
160
00:10:36,220 --> 00:10:38,847
When you're in your forties,
like many of my girlfriends,
161
00:10:38,931 --> 00:10:40,808
who accidentally get pregnant,
and they're like…
162
00:10:40,891 --> 00:10:41,892
[groans]
163
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:43,602
"I guess I'll have a baby."
164
00:10:43,686 --> 00:10:47,231
It's like, "Hey, bitch, get an abortion
while you still can, okay?"
165
00:10:47,731 --> 00:10:49,733
[cheering]
166
00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:56,907
You're not doing any baby any favor
167
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:59,952
by being on the fence
about becoming a parent.
168
00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:03,997
[cheering and applause]
169
00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:06,542
Or my brother.
170
00:11:06,625 --> 00:11:10,045
I was with my brother the other day,
and I said, "Why are you even a parent?"
171
00:11:11,422 --> 00:11:13,215
I said, "You're not very good at it."
172
00:11:15,634 --> 00:11:18,262
He said, "Chelsea,
I had to think about my legacy."
173
00:11:19,430 --> 00:11:21,890
I said, "Who are you talking to?
Is someone behind me?"
174
00:11:21,974 --> 00:11:22,933
"What are you talking…"
175
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:26,979
"You had to think about your… Who the fuck
are you to think about your lega…"
176
00:11:27,062 --> 00:11:28,897
"Who do you think you are,
177
00:11:28,981 --> 00:11:33,777
that people are waiting to see
what you leave behind on this earth?"
178
00:11:33,861 --> 00:11:36,280
"Your legacy is
that you're my fucking brother."
179
00:11:37,406 --> 00:11:40,075
[cheering and applause]
180
00:11:47,291 --> 00:11:49,376
So embarrassing when men
say things like that.
181
00:11:49,460 --> 00:11:52,755
You know? Sometimes, you have to pretend
you can't hear. You're like…
182
00:11:52,838 --> 00:11:54,840
[high-pitched whining]
183
00:11:57,426 --> 00:12:01,346
I say I don't wanna be a mother,
but I wouldn't mind being a divorced dad.
184
00:12:03,974 --> 00:12:07,811
I could crush that role.
Coming in hot at, like, 50% all the time.
185
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:13,692
Yeah. Showing up Friday afternoons
with unicorn frappuccinos,
186
00:12:13,776 --> 00:12:15,903
and then back to The Cheesecake Factory,
187
00:12:15,986 --> 00:12:17,279
and then back to Starbucks,
188
00:12:17,362 --> 00:12:21,742
and then drop 'em off and skedaddle Monday
before shit really hits the fan.
189
00:12:26,955 --> 00:12:28,207
I could crush that role.
190
00:12:28,290 --> 00:12:30,000
Or a stepfather.
191
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,211
That's another role I would crush.
192
00:12:32,294 --> 00:12:34,713
Nobody expects anything from you guys.
193
00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:38,008
But it's important to know
194
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,636
when you don't have the skills
to raise a baby, you know?
195
00:12:40,719 --> 00:12:42,971
Instead of shaming people,
we should say, "Oh, good."
196
00:12:43,055 --> 00:12:45,432
"Good for you for knowing
that you shouldn't have a baby."
197
00:12:45,516 --> 00:12:49,520
We should get a carbon credit
for not polluting to mass population.
198
00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:51,605
[cheering and applause]
199
00:12:57,027 --> 00:12:59,780
I know I don't have the skills
to raise a baby.
200
00:12:59,863 --> 00:13:03,116
I have rescued nine dogs in my life.
201
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,202
[cheering and applause]
202
00:13:06,328 --> 00:13:07,204
Thank you.
203
00:13:08,664 --> 00:13:09,915
I've returned four.
204
00:13:19,258 --> 00:13:20,592
Because I have a type.
205
00:13:21,885 --> 00:13:24,638
And I'm impulsive,
and I don't think things through.
206
00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:27,432
And like any other animal lover
here tonight,
207
00:13:27,516 --> 00:13:31,436
when you have a type, you stick
to that type, and my type is slow
208
00:13:33,105 --> 00:13:34,022
and overweight.
209
00:13:34,106 --> 00:13:36,608
That is what I'm looking for in an animal.
210
00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:43,240
I'm not looking to go on long walks
with my animal or go for hikes
211
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:45,951
or even play fetch,
quite frankly, you know?
212
00:13:47,077 --> 00:13:51,039
I wanna come home
at the end of a long day and snuggle.
213
00:13:51,123 --> 00:13:53,959
I wanna get into bed with the Lion King,
214
00:13:54,042 --> 00:13:57,337
you know, and have him on top of me
with his big, fat face
215
00:13:57,421 --> 00:14:00,632
and his big, meaty neck
swaying back and forth
216
00:14:00,716 --> 00:14:02,593
while I wrap my arms around him.
217
00:14:02,676 --> 00:14:06,263
And then, when it gets too hot,
I can say, "Get the fuck off of me."
218
00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:14,271
That's what I'm looking for
in a companion.
219
00:14:16,857 --> 00:14:19,234
And I went to England,
and I went to a dog show.
220
00:14:19,318 --> 00:14:21,028
We were filming something, obviously,
221
00:14:21,111 --> 00:14:23,906
'cause I would never
seriously go to a dog show.
222
00:14:25,741 --> 00:14:28,118
And I saw a Bernese mountain dog.
223
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:30,412
I had never seen this type of dog before.
224
00:14:30,495 --> 00:14:35,083
I was like, "Oh my God. This is something
I would conjure up in my best dream."
225
00:14:35,792 --> 00:14:38,253
They're perfect.
They're black and brown and white.
226
00:14:38,337 --> 00:14:39,963
And they're lazy, you know?
227
00:14:40,047 --> 00:14:41,965
They don't wanna do anything. I was like…
228
00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:45,052
You can tell in their eyes
that they just have no gumption.
229
00:14:45,135 --> 00:14:46,053
Like, "Uh?"
230
00:14:46,637 --> 00:14:48,013
I was like, "I want that dog."
231
00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:50,140
I came home. I told my assistant, Tanner.
232
00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:53,352
I said, "You need to get me
a Bernese mountain dog."
233
00:14:55,979 --> 00:14:58,941
But when you're a celebrity,
you cannot buy a dog.
234
00:14:59,024 --> 00:15:01,360
You have to rescue all of your animals.
235
00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:06,239
Otherwise, PETA will burn your house down.
236
00:15:11,161 --> 00:15:17,292
So I told my assistant, Tanner, "You need
to find me a used Bernese mountain dog."
237
00:15:25,884 --> 00:15:31,098
And two weeks later, this seven-pound,
two-week-old Bernese mountain dog
238
00:15:31,181 --> 00:15:32,182
traipsed into my life,
239
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:34,768
and I couldn't believe it.
I named him Gary right away.
240
00:15:37,396 --> 00:15:40,232
But I hadn't thought it through,
because puppies are energetic.
241
00:15:40,315 --> 00:15:43,443
They wanna play. That's all they wanna do.
And their teeth are sharp.
242
00:15:43,527 --> 00:15:46,655
And they jump on everything.
And they're annoying.
243
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:52,661
And my two other dogs met Gary.
Within two hours, they went upstairs
244
00:15:53,161 --> 00:15:56,123
to the second floor
and didn't come down for two weeks.
245
00:15:57,290 --> 00:16:00,711
One of them texted me and said,
"Let us know when Gary's gone."
246
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:11,430
Within 48 hours,
Gary had eaten two of my sofas.
247
00:16:11,513 --> 00:16:14,307
Not even my cushions. The entire sofa.
248
00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:16,893
I was like, "Oh my God, what is…"
249
00:16:16,977 --> 00:16:19,438
We had to remove
all of the downstairs furniture.
250
00:16:19,521 --> 00:16:21,523
I was basically living
in an empty warehouse,
251
00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:23,775
wearing a miner's lamp and knee pads,
252
00:16:23,859 --> 00:16:25,819
waiting for the next altercation.
253
00:16:27,612 --> 00:16:30,991
On day four, I found a dead owl…
254
00:16:31,074 --> 00:16:32,409
[disgusted groans]
255
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:33,869
…in my backyard.
256
00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:37,080
I didn't even know owls were real.
257
00:16:46,214 --> 00:16:48,633
I thought they were from Game of Thrones.
258
00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:57,225
And then Gary,
every time he slept, he would grow.
259
00:16:59,144 --> 00:17:02,397
He would take a nap. He'd wake up,
and I'm like, "Is he bigger? Wha--"
260
00:17:02,898 --> 00:17:07,069
And then I started to get suspicious,
so I got a scale. A doggy scale.
261
00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:12,240
One night, before he went to sleep,
I weighed him, and he weighed 19 pounds.
262
00:17:12,324 --> 00:17:14,534
And in the morning, he weighed 22 pounds.
263
00:17:15,994 --> 00:17:18,997
I was like, "This dog
is going to swallow somebody."
264
00:17:20,248 --> 00:17:23,418
I took him to the vet. "I don't know
what's going on with this dog."
265
00:17:23,502 --> 00:17:26,588
"Normally, I would be down with this,
but it's happening too fast,
266
00:17:26,671 --> 00:17:27,756
and I'm scared."
267
00:17:28,799 --> 00:17:30,467
And she said, very casually,
268
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:33,845
"Oh, this is a Bernese mountain dog."
269
00:17:34,471 --> 00:17:38,600
"You have to massage their anal glands."
270
00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:50,403
I said, "Well, we're gonna
have to put him down."
271
00:17:57,953 --> 00:18:00,122
"So do you have a supervisor or…"
272
00:18:01,331 --> 00:18:03,708
"Do I do that through PayPal? What's the…"
273
00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:13,718
Then a couple of weeks later, I had
a doctor's appointment in Beverly Hills.
274
00:18:13,802 --> 00:18:15,679
That's where you have to go
in Los Angeles.
275
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,597
All the doctors are on the same street.
276
00:18:19,057 --> 00:18:21,101
I put all three dogs in my back seat.
277
00:18:21,184 --> 00:18:23,770
I go to a parking garage in Beverly Hills.
278
00:18:23,854 --> 00:18:25,105
I park on level four.
279
00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:29,484
Gary weighed 49 pounds that morning.
280
00:18:31,528 --> 00:18:35,907
So I got out my calculator and figured out
how much I needed to open the window.
281
00:18:35,991 --> 00:18:37,492
It was two and a half inches.
282
00:18:37,993 --> 00:18:41,121
I cracked the window
two and a half inches 'cause I'm a mother.
283
00:18:42,414 --> 00:18:45,292
I went to my doctor's appointment.
45 minutes. Not even an hour.
284
00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:47,502
I come back, and Gary is gone.
285
00:18:50,714 --> 00:18:53,550
And I could tell
by the way my other two dogs were acting
286
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:55,218
that one of them had opened the door…
287
00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:58,638
and let Gary out.
288
00:19:05,395 --> 00:19:07,647
So I look to my right,
and I look to my left.
289
00:19:07,731 --> 00:19:10,817
I didn't see Gary,
and I thought, "Thank God that's over."
290
00:19:17,282 --> 00:19:21,703
And then I drove down the four stories
hurriedly to get the fuck out of there.
291
00:19:22,621 --> 00:19:25,207
And I drive down to the bottom, base camp,
292
00:19:25,290 --> 00:19:29,294
and I go up to the little glass partition
where the parking lot attendant lives…
293
00:19:32,130 --> 00:19:33,048
and as I'm pulling up,
294
00:19:33,131 --> 00:19:35,800
I see the parking lot attendant
in the little glass booth,
295
00:19:35,884 --> 00:19:37,844
up against the wall,
296
00:19:38,595 --> 00:19:42,140
and Gary is just jumping on him,
like this.
297
00:19:44,476 --> 00:19:46,102
And I kept driving.
298
00:19:49,022 --> 00:19:52,984
I just thought, "That's your father now.
Fuck you, Gary. Fuck you."
299
00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:58,531
And I drove all the way home.
300
00:19:58,615 --> 00:20:02,744
I get home, and my assistant, Tanner,
comes running out of the house, and goes,
301
00:20:02,827 --> 00:20:06,414
"They found Gary! He's in a parking garage
in Beverly Hills."
302
00:20:06,498 --> 00:20:08,667
[frantically]
I'm like, "Where's my baby?!"
303
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:19,928
And the whole way home,
I'm just like, "You're a cunt."
304
00:20:21,930 --> 00:20:23,640
"You're a dirty little cunt."
305
00:20:24,766 --> 00:20:26,518
I was like, "You can do better than this."
306
00:20:26,601 --> 00:20:28,853
"You can be more maternal.
You have to try."
307
00:20:29,688 --> 00:20:31,982
So I made a commitment.
I was like, "I will try."
308
00:20:32,482 --> 00:20:35,735
I went and I picked him up,
and I did some skin-to-skin.
309
00:20:40,657 --> 00:20:43,702
Then I took him to a doggy park,
and we walk into the doggy park,
310
00:20:44,202 --> 00:20:47,330
and this woman named Teresa
comes running over, and she's like…
311
00:20:47,414 --> 00:20:49,499
[excited squeal]
312
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:52,544
"Is that a Bernese mountain dog?"
313
00:20:52,627 --> 00:20:54,546
I'm like, "It is. His name is Gary."
314
00:20:54,629 --> 00:20:57,257
She's like, "I love
Bernese mountain dogs."
315
00:20:57,340 --> 00:20:59,259
I'm like, "I thought I did too."
316
00:20:59,884 --> 00:21:03,388
She's like, "I've always wanted one,
but they never have them at rescues."
317
00:21:03,471 --> 00:21:05,974
I'm like,
"You're about to rescue one now."
318
00:21:06,558 --> 00:21:08,184
I was like, "Please take Gary."
319
00:21:08,268 --> 00:21:11,938
"I'll pay for his clothing and education.
Just fucking take him!"
320
00:21:12,439 --> 00:21:14,149
Gary lives with Teresa now.
321
00:21:14,232 --> 00:21:16,359
[cheering and applause]
322
00:21:22,365 --> 00:21:25,994
I found him his forever home.
That's how I look at that story.
323
00:21:28,204 --> 00:21:29,205
And I know enough to know
324
00:21:29,289 --> 00:21:31,833
that you can't do that
with a real live baby.
325
00:21:33,877 --> 00:21:36,963
Especially if you are a celebrity.
You will get caught.
326
00:21:47,432 --> 00:21:50,769
Now that we're done
making fun of brown and Black people,
327
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:55,940
I think it's a perfect opportunity
for us to focus on straight, white men.
328
00:21:56,024 --> 00:21:56,900
I'll start.
329
00:21:56,983 --> 00:21:58,985
[cheering and applause]
330
00:22:04,407 --> 00:22:06,368
My sister, the one from the moon,
331
00:22:07,911 --> 00:22:09,913
invaded my house during COVID.
332
00:22:09,996 --> 00:22:10,955
She calls me…
333
00:22:11,039 --> 00:22:15,543
She has three children,
ages 24, 21, and 18.
334
00:22:16,544 --> 00:22:18,380
Those aren't fucking children. Okay?
335
00:22:19,089 --> 00:22:21,716
And they live in San Francisco,
so they're in an apartment.
336
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:24,177
So she goes, "We're on top of each other."
337
00:22:24,260 --> 00:22:27,847
"We might have to come down and live
with you in Los Angeles for a little bit."
338
00:22:28,890 --> 00:22:32,185
Keep in mind, I'm having a great time
with my landscaper.
339
00:22:35,313 --> 00:22:39,150
But it's my sister, so I say, "Of course,
yes, come move into our house."
340
00:22:39,234 --> 00:22:42,153
Meanwhile, I'm googling,
"Which countries can I get into?"
341
00:22:43,655 --> 00:22:44,489
And right away…
342
00:22:44,572 --> 00:22:46,574
It didn't take 48 hours
343
00:22:46,658 --> 00:22:50,453
for me to understand what everyone
has been bitching and moaning about
344
00:22:50,537 --> 00:22:52,080
for the last five years.
345
00:22:52,163 --> 00:22:55,291
Because I have one nephew, 24, Jakey,
346
00:22:55,375 --> 00:22:56,709
and I have two nieces.
347
00:22:56,793 --> 00:23:00,255
So that means four women
were living in my house, and one male.
348
00:23:00,338 --> 00:23:03,216
And right away, I saw the difference.
349
00:23:03,299 --> 00:23:06,761
'Cause women are conscientious
about each other and other people.
350
00:23:06,845 --> 00:23:08,179
Everyone was wearing AirPods.
351
00:23:08,263 --> 00:23:10,515
All the girls
on their Zoom-Zoom boom-booms
352
00:23:10,598 --> 00:23:11,724
were wearing AirPods.
353
00:23:11,808 --> 00:23:14,519
Any calls, they'd go
out of the room, you know,
354
00:23:14,602 --> 00:23:16,980
to respect another person's privacy.
355
00:23:17,063 --> 00:23:19,732
I was even wearing AirPods
in my own house.
356
00:23:19,816 --> 00:23:22,318
I wasn't on a Zoom or listening to music.
357
00:23:24,779 --> 00:23:27,574
I was just hoping
no one would interact with me.
358
00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:34,831
And then I walk downstairs
into my living room,
359
00:23:34,914 --> 00:23:37,792
and here's my 24-year-old nephew, Jakey,
360
00:23:37,876 --> 00:23:43,047
wearing basketball mesh shorts,
just, you know, broken everywhere,
361
00:23:43,131 --> 00:23:44,132
just worn in.
362
00:23:44,215 --> 00:23:45,884
No footwear, of course. Why?
363
00:23:45,967 --> 00:23:48,887
You know? And he's on my sofa,
propped up just like this.
364
00:23:51,097 --> 00:23:52,140
On his computer.
365
00:23:52,223 --> 00:23:53,933
[moaning unintelligibly]
366
00:23:54,642 --> 00:23:57,020
With his balls just split
right down the middle.
367
00:24:05,528 --> 00:24:07,864
I go, "I'm sorry. Can I get you a cigar?"
368
00:24:09,157 --> 00:24:11,868
I said, "Can you close your legs?
You're polluting my visual space."
369
00:24:11,951 --> 00:24:15,079
I've never even sat like that
in my own fucking house!
370
00:24:16,956 --> 00:24:21,127
And I go, "Jakey, why are you the only
person in this house not wearing AirPods?"
371
00:24:21,211 --> 00:24:24,005
"Every woman is wearing AirPods,
and you're not."
372
00:24:24,088 --> 00:24:26,174
He's like, "Oh, sorry, Chels. Sorry."
373
00:24:26,257 --> 00:24:28,676
Second day, same thing.
"Where are your AirPods?" "Sorry."
374
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:31,262
On the third day,
I go, "Hey, miracle ear."
375
00:24:32,889 --> 00:24:35,475
"Where are your AirPods?
They look like two tiny little balls."
376
00:24:35,558 --> 00:24:37,268
"They shouldn't be hard for you to find."
377
00:24:44,526 --> 00:24:47,695
He goes, "Oh, hey, I'm just watching…"
He's a sports journalist.
378
00:24:47,779 --> 00:24:52,033
So what he's listening to is more annoying
than any noise I can think of.
379
00:24:53,034 --> 00:24:57,455
He goes, "I'm just watching this classic
Michael Jordan basketball play."
380
00:24:57,539 --> 00:24:59,499
"If you come over here,
381
00:24:59,582 --> 00:25:03,336
I can explain to you
how basketball works."
382
00:25:03,419 --> 00:25:05,421
[disapproving groans]
383
00:25:07,465 --> 00:25:09,717
I was like, "We are in my mansion."
384
00:25:12,303 --> 00:25:14,305
[cheering and applause]
385
00:25:20,311 --> 00:25:22,730
"And let me explain something
to you, Jakey."
386
00:25:22,814 --> 00:25:26,651
"I don't give a shit
about how basketball works."
387
00:25:26,734 --> 00:25:27,694
"And if I did,
388
00:25:27,777 --> 00:25:32,490
I would have been paying attention
for the last 45 years of my life,
389
00:25:32,574 --> 00:25:35,076
like I was to the sun and the moon."
390
00:25:39,205 --> 00:25:40,999
I know two things about basketball.
391
00:25:41,082 --> 00:25:43,334
I know that Michael Jordan is the GOAT.
392
00:25:43,418 --> 00:25:45,795
I saw that documentary, The Last Dance.
393
00:25:45,878 --> 00:25:47,797
-I saw that.
-[cheering and applause]
394
00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:50,508
I know. He… Yeah.
I've never seen anything like…
395
00:25:50,592 --> 00:25:54,512
That's somebody who's earned the right
to wear basketball mesh shorts.
396
00:25:55,263 --> 00:25:56,848
Broken in the middle, you know?
397
00:25:56,931 --> 00:25:59,183
He has earned the right to do that.
398
00:25:59,267 --> 00:26:01,227
Sitting in the middle
of his own documentary
399
00:26:01,311 --> 00:26:02,353
with a whiskey neat,
400
00:26:02,437 --> 00:26:05,732
with his eyes bloodshot
'cause he's shit-faced the entire time.
401
00:26:07,066 --> 00:26:10,320
Six-time champion bitching about
every single person
402
00:26:10,403 --> 00:26:11,529
he's ever played against.
403
00:26:11,613 --> 00:26:14,782
I was like,
"You are the man, motherfucker. Yeah."
404
00:26:16,784 --> 00:26:19,621
I know two things about basketball.
I know Michael Jordan is the GOAT.
405
00:26:19,704 --> 00:26:23,333
And I know the Denver Nuggets
have nothing to do with chicken fingers.
406
00:26:27,128 --> 00:26:29,756
Explain to me how basketball works?
407
00:26:29,839 --> 00:26:31,549
It's like, "Oh my God."
408
00:26:31,633 --> 00:26:34,594
I know it must be confusing for men
because we used to like that.
409
00:26:34,677 --> 00:26:36,888
I know I did.
When you wanted to fuck a guy
410
00:26:36,971 --> 00:26:39,015
and he knew about something
you didn't know about,
411
00:26:39,098 --> 00:26:40,683
you're like, "Yeah."
412
00:26:41,351 --> 00:26:44,937
You know? You'd listen to him
talk about almost anything.
413
00:26:45,980 --> 00:26:48,816
I'd be like, "Yeah,
I wanna know how a sprinkler works."
414
00:26:54,947 --> 00:26:56,658
But then you guys overdid it.
415
00:26:57,784 --> 00:27:00,119
You explained too much,
and now we're pissed.
416
00:27:01,537 --> 00:27:04,415
[cheering and applause]
417
00:27:08,336 --> 00:27:10,546
And my sister, Simone,
sees this little exchange,
418
00:27:10,630 --> 00:27:14,300
and she goes, "Hey, I feel like the kids
are starting to get on your nerves."
419
00:27:14,384 --> 00:27:16,010
I was like, "Do you think so?"
420
00:27:17,303 --> 00:27:20,390
And she said,
"I think Jakey is really stressed out."
421
00:27:20,473 --> 00:27:21,849
I said, "Is he?"
422
00:27:23,685 --> 00:27:25,895
And she goes, "Yeah." I go,
"What is stressing Jakey out?"
423
00:27:25,978 --> 00:27:27,313
And she goes, "The pandemic."
424
00:27:27,397 --> 00:27:29,649
I said, "More so than the rest of us?"
425
00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:31,693
And she goes, "He's a guy."
426
00:27:31,776 --> 00:27:34,362
She goes, "I think
it would do him some good
427
00:27:34,445 --> 00:27:36,906
to have some female interaction."
428
00:27:37,657 --> 00:27:40,326
"Maybe have, like, a COVID-safe date
in the backyard."
429
00:27:40,410 --> 00:27:43,246
"You know, they won't touch.
They'll play cards or something."
430
00:27:43,329 --> 00:27:46,833
"I just think it will…
it will improve his, like, mood."
431
00:27:46,916 --> 00:27:49,377
And I'm looking at my sister
like she's an alien.
432
00:27:50,545 --> 00:27:52,672
I said, "You want him
to have a date come over
433
00:27:52,755 --> 00:27:55,842
so they can play cards in the backyard?"
434
00:27:56,342 --> 00:27:59,595
"And then what?
He's gonna jerk off into my pool? What?"
435
00:28:00,763 --> 00:28:03,725
"What is happening?
What is the run of events?"
436
00:28:04,809 --> 00:28:09,814
I said, "And who's playing cards anymore
anyway? Are we on the set of Cocoon?"
437
00:28:12,567 --> 00:28:14,736
She's like, "It's gonna be
better for his mood."
438
00:28:14,819 --> 00:28:18,489
I'm looking at my sister. I'm like,
"Oh my God. I need a cocktail."
439
00:28:19,115 --> 00:28:21,534
I said, "Sure, Simone.
Let's go out to my friend's house."
440
00:28:21,617 --> 00:28:23,745
We go to my friend's house,
have a couple of cocktails.
441
00:28:23,828 --> 00:28:24,912
We get pretty buzzed.
442
00:28:25,913 --> 00:28:30,585
We come home, and here's my nephew,
propped up on my kitchen stool,
443
00:28:31,461 --> 00:28:32,545
shit-faced.
444
00:28:33,087 --> 00:28:36,257
You know, like young, drunk face.
Red in the face everywhere.
445
00:28:37,049 --> 00:28:40,803
With his head in his hands,
like super dramatically.
446
00:28:40,887 --> 00:28:44,307
You know, like he's got
the weight of the world on his shoulders.
447
00:28:44,390 --> 00:28:46,517
Like he's Dr. Fauci or something.
448
00:28:50,938 --> 00:28:55,818
He's sitting there. I'm looking at him,
like, "Oh my God, are you kidding me?"
449
00:28:55,902 --> 00:28:59,739
I go, "What's the matter, Jakey?
Did you not get any penetration tonight?"
450
00:29:02,825 --> 00:29:04,202
He looks up, and he goes,
451
00:29:04,285 --> 00:29:07,997
[pained yelling] "No, I didn't!
And it's really frustrating!"
452
00:29:13,294 --> 00:29:15,546
I couldn't even make eye contact
with my sister.
453
00:29:16,047 --> 00:29:20,301
I've been to therapy. I know
when to remove myself from the situation
454
00:29:20,384 --> 00:29:22,470
because I will strike someone.
455
00:29:23,346 --> 00:29:26,307
So I left, I went upstairs
to my big girl bedroom,
456
00:29:26,390 --> 00:29:28,643
and I lit a joint and I sat there,
457
00:29:28,726 --> 00:29:31,270
and thought
about what I had just witnessed.
458
00:29:31,354 --> 00:29:33,356
[cheering and applause]
459
00:29:36,359 --> 00:29:37,777
And my sister comes up and she goes,
460
00:29:37,860 --> 00:29:39,821
"Hey, sorry about that."
461
00:29:39,904 --> 00:29:41,906
I go, "You are sorry."
462
00:29:43,407 --> 00:29:47,912
I said, "You have a 24, a 21,
and an 18-year-old living in my house."
463
00:29:47,995 --> 00:29:51,916
"When is this whole parenting thing
gonna wrap itself the fuck up?"
464
00:29:54,043 --> 00:29:55,878
She goes, "It's my job."
465
00:29:57,129 --> 00:29:58,047
I said, "What?"
466
00:29:58,130 --> 00:30:00,716
She goes, "It's my job to listen to him."
467
00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:04,512
I said, "It's your job
to listen to your 24-year-old son
468
00:30:04,595 --> 00:30:08,015
bitch and moan about how horny he is
469
00:30:08,099 --> 00:30:10,184
in the middle of a global pandemic
470
00:30:10,268 --> 00:30:13,187
where thousands of people
are dying every single day?"
471
00:30:13,271 --> 00:30:15,064
"You know who else is horny?!"
472
00:30:16,315 --> 00:30:17,984
[cheering and applause]
473
00:30:20,695 --> 00:30:24,740
"Know who's been jerking off to
Michael Jordan for fucking eight weeks?"
474
00:30:26,158 --> 00:30:29,829
"And can't do anything about it 'cause
you won't get the fuck out of my house."
475
00:30:32,498 --> 00:30:33,416
So they left.
476
00:30:35,126 --> 00:30:38,629
And then it was go time.
I was like, "Let's get down to business."
477
00:30:39,130 --> 00:30:42,592
I went and got
my own at-home COVID health test,
478
00:30:42,675 --> 00:30:46,470
which meant I could nasally swab
any potential penetrators
479
00:30:46,554 --> 00:30:49,557
that showed up in my backyard.
So they would come over…
480
00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:52,560
I would stagger their call times
'cause I'm not an idiot.
481
00:30:54,645 --> 00:30:57,648
I'd have someone come at 7:00,
someone come at 8:00, come at 9:00.
482
00:30:57,732 --> 00:30:59,859
I knew they wouldn't all be home runs.
483
00:30:59,942 --> 00:31:02,612
So they'd come over.
I'd give them the nasal swab.
484
00:31:02,695 --> 00:31:05,656
I'd run into my kitchen,
plug it into a cartridge,
485
00:31:05,740 --> 00:31:09,744
and it took about, like, 30 minutes
to run the diagnostics.
486
00:31:10,328 --> 00:31:11,996
And within that 30 minutes,
487
00:31:12,079 --> 00:31:15,416
I could go back outside
and interview them from six feet away.
488
00:31:16,876 --> 00:31:19,086
And if they said anything annoying,
489
00:31:20,212 --> 00:31:21,547
or I saw a pinkie ring,
490
00:31:21,631 --> 00:31:23,174
I would say, "You have COVID."
491
00:31:26,218 --> 00:31:28,137
"You have to quarantine
for two weeks now."
492
00:31:32,016 --> 00:31:34,977
The first guy that came over to my house
wasn't really my type.
493
00:31:35,061 --> 00:31:38,731
He was pretty muscular. Too muscular.
He looked like he just came from the gym.
494
00:31:39,357 --> 00:31:40,566
Tattoos everywhere.
495
00:31:40,650 --> 00:31:42,568
Also not my thing,
but we're in a pandemic.
496
00:31:42,652 --> 00:31:44,320
I'm not gonna be judgy, you know?
497
00:31:45,237 --> 00:31:46,197
I was desperate.
498
00:31:47,531 --> 00:31:51,869
I interviewed him. I was like, "Okay."
I could visualize him being inside of me.
499
00:31:55,414 --> 00:31:57,959
I go inside. I look at his COVID test.
It's negative.
500
00:31:58,042 --> 00:32:00,169
I come back out.
I go, "Just one more question."
501
00:32:00,252 --> 00:32:03,965
I was slightly paranoid. We all
were slightly paranoid at this point.
502
00:32:04,048 --> 00:32:07,009
This is when I was still
Windex-ing my to-go food.
503
00:32:11,263 --> 00:32:12,974
And I said, "Just one more question."
504
00:32:13,057 --> 00:32:15,768
"Morally, what do you think's appropriate
during this time?"
505
00:32:16,352 --> 00:32:18,396
He said, "Well, I wear a mask
all the time."
506
00:32:18,479 --> 00:32:20,731
I go, "Great. That's all I care about."
507
00:32:20,815 --> 00:32:22,817
He said, "But I don't think they work."
508
00:32:23,734 --> 00:32:25,695
I said, "What? What? What did you say?"
509
00:32:26,904 --> 00:32:29,031
He goes, "What?"
I go, "What are you, a doctor?"
510
00:32:29,115 --> 00:32:31,283
"No." "Are you a scientist?"
511
00:32:31,367 --> 00:32:33,577
"No." "Are you a male nurse?"
512
00:32:34,078 --> 00:32:37,456
"No." "Then who gives a shit what you
think about masks working or not?"
513
00:32:37,540 --> 00:32:39,709
"Who gives a shit
about your stupid opinion?"
514
00:32:39,792 --> 00:32:42,128
-[cheering and applause]
-"What are you talking about?"
515
00:32:45,214 --> 00:32:47,550
"Now you have COVID.
Get the fuck out of my house!"
516
00:32:47,633 --> 00:32:50,511
"Get out! Go home.
I want you to think about what you did."
517
00:32:50,594 --> 00:32:52,221
"I was just about to fuck you."
518
00:32:54,807 --> 00:32:57,268
Second guy comes over to my house
an hour later.
519
00:32:57,351 --> 00:33:01,480
Within 30 seconds, he's in my backyard
and mentions that he hurt his ball…
520
00:33:05,276 --> 00:33:06,819
at the gym that morning.
521
00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:11,449
I will never understand why straight guys
522
00:33:11,532 --> 00:33:14,869
think it's appropriate
to mention your balls ever.
523
00:33:16,579 --> 00:33:20,041
Never mind on a first encounter
with a potential suitor.
524
00:33:20,124 --> 00:33:23,711
I want every straight man
sitting here tonight
525
00:33:23,794 --> 00:33:27,048
to think about a time where you were
on a first date with a woman
526
00:33:27,131 --> 00:33:29,091
and you heard the term "labia."
527
00:33:33,429 --> 00:33:34,930
[cheering]
528
00:33:37,725 --> 00:33:40,061
It's never happened. Never, ever happened.
529
00:33:40,144 --> 00:33:41,520
In the history of the world,
530
00:33:41,604 --> 00:33:42,646
no straight woman…
531
00:33:42,730 --> 00:33:43,689
Maybe lesbians.
532
00:33:43,773 --> 00:33:44,940
No straight woman
533
00:33:46,067 --> 00:33:49,445
has ever been like,
"Oh, I'm pretty banged up down there."
534
00:33:51,155 --> 00:33:54,825
"It was Flag Day. You know how that goes."
Never!
535
00:33:58,370 --> 00:34:02,708
No woman's like, "Oh, I caught my labia
on the Peloton this morning."
536
00:34:10,925 --> 00:34:12,009
Unbelievable.
537
00:34:12,093 --> 00:34:17,181
Just so you guys all know, that happens
to us every time we ride a Peloton.
538
00:34:18,265 --> 00:34:20,267
[cheering and applause]
539
00:34:22,394 --> 00:34:23,979
So man up, you pussies.
540
00:34:26,023 --> 00:34:30,236
I was like, "What's going on?
Look how cute I am. Look at me."
541
00:34:30,736 --> 00:34:32,363
My God, this is the best I've ever looked.
542
00:34:32,446 --> 00:34:33,989
My boobies are real. My ass is juicy.
543
00:34:34,073 --> 00:34:37,660
I was ready to spread my love around town.
544
00:34:38,285 --> 00:34:40,663
And men were making it impossible.
545
00:34:41,914 --> 00:34:44,375
I was like,
"I'm gonna have to go to Canada."
546
00:34:46,502 --> 00:34:48,254
Canadian men can be slightly boring,
547
00:34:48,337 --> 00:34:50,589
but at least they're appropriate,
you know?
548
00:34:51,173 --> 00:34:54,552
No Canadian is getting into a fight
at a CVS
549
00:34:54,635 --> 00:34:57,304
about wearing a mask
in the middle of a plague.
550
00:34:57,805 --> 00:35:00,224
No Canadian man brings up his ball
551
00:35:00,307 --> 00:35:03,227
within the first 30 seconds
of an interaction.
552
00:35:04,728 --> 00:35:06,939
And I love to ski. That's my passion.
553
00:35:07,022 --> 00:35:08,149
[scattered cheering]
554
00:35:08,232 --> 00:35:10,276
So I love Canada for that reason.
555
00:35:11,110 --> 00:35:13,821
And during COVID,
I realized I don't have regular hobbies.
556
00:35:13,904 --> 00:35:16,782
Other people were getting excited
to go for long walks
557
00:35:16,866 --> 00:35:18,242
or do puzzles.
558
00:35:19,451 --> 00:35:20,536
Or do crafts.
559
00:35:20,619 --> 00:35:22,454
I was like, "Oh my God."
560
00:35:22,538 --> 00:35:23,831
I have three interests.
561
00:35:23,914 --> 00:35:27,042
I like to smoke pot, I like to read books,
and I like to fucking ski.
562
00:35:27,126 --> 00:35:28,460
Those are my passions.
563
00:35:28,544 --> 00:35:30,212
[cheering and applause]
564
00:35:34,425 --> 00:35:38,679
I don't have other interests.
I don't know how to dance or sing.
565
00:35:39,555 --> 00:35:43,309
Although, when I was a child,
I had a lot of misplaced confidence.
566
00:35:45,686 --> 00:35:48,022
And I believed I could dance,
and I could sing,
567
00:35:48,105 --> 00:35:51,609
and that the world would be a better place
once I started doing that.
568
00:35:52,568 --> 00:35:56,197
And the first opportunity I got,
I was 12 years old, in middle school,
569
00:35:56,280 --> 00:35:59,283
and they had cheerleading auditions,
and I was like, "This is it."
570
00:35:59,366 --> 00:36:02,995
This is my moment where I'm gonna
get the respect I believed I deserved.
571
00:36:03,662 --> 00:36:05,539
I went into those cheerleading auditions.
572
00:36:05,623 --> 00:36:07,625
They had a routine
that everybody needed to learn.
573
00:36:07,708 --> 00:36:10,085
I was like, "Fuck that noise.
I got my own shit going on."
574
00:36:14,715 --> 00:36:16,300
[cheering and applause]
575
00:36:16,383 --> 00:36:17,218
Exactly.
576
00:36:20,012 --> 00:36:22,473
I walked out of school that day
with my head held high.
577
00:36:22,556 --> 00:36:26,268
For the first time in my elementary
or middle school career,
578
00:36:26,352 --> 00:36:27,853
I was like, "I got this."
579
00:36:28,562 --> 00:36:33,067
And I came in early the next day,
and I went right up to the whiteboard
580
00:36:33,150 --> 00:36:37,196
where they listed everyone's names
who had made the cheerleading team,
581
00:36:37,279 --> 00:36:39,365
and as I was approaching the whiteboard,
582
00:36:39,865 --> 00:36:41,951
the school nurse intercepted me.
583
00:36:44,245 --> 00:36:45,746
And she said, "Sweetie,
584
00:36:46,580 --> 00:36:49,416
we all saw
your cheerleading audition yesterday,
585
00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:53,003
and I need you
to come to the nurse's office with me
586
00:36:53,545 --> 00:36:56,048
so we can test you for scoliosis."
587
00:37:07,893 --> 00:37:10,104
And I'm sitting in her office,
and I'm like,
588
00:37:10,604 --> 00:37:12,106
"So am I on the squad?"
589
00:37:15,985 --> 00:37:18,696
She goes, "No, honey.
You're not on any squad."
590
00:37:20,197 --> 00:37:24,535
And she said, "When you get home today,
we also need you to get from your parents
591
00:37:24,618 --> 00:37:26,954
your proof of vaccination for polio."
592
00:37:28,455 --> 00:37:30,374
"Something's up with your back."
593
00:37:32,459 --> 00:37:36,714
I went home that day. I was flabbergasted.
I couldn't believe what had happened.
594
00:37:36,797 --> 00:37:40,342
I stormed home. I walked home…
I was in a rage.
595
00:37:40,426 --> 00:37:42,344
I opened the front door and smashed it,
596
00:37:42,428 --> 00:37:45,764
walked into my mother's kitchen,
where she was making macaroni and cheese
597
00:37:45,848 --> 00:37:48,350
'cause she thought
that was a healthy fucking snack.
598
00:37:49,810 --> 00:37:53,522
And I said, "Hey! I auditioned
for the cheerleading team yesterday,
599
00:37:53,605 --> 00:37:56,817
and, today, the school nurse
tested me for scoliosis."
600
00:37:57,526 --> 00:37:59,528
"Do you know anything about that?"
601
00:38:00,362 --> 00:38:03,741
And she turned around and she said,
"We told you never to dance."
602
00:38:13,125 --> 00:38:14,251
But I wasn't an idiot.
603
00:38:14,335 --> 00:38:17,546
I knew that those two diagnoses,
polio, scoliosis,
604
00:38:17,629 --> 00:38:19,757
I was like,
"That's gonna come in handy later."
605
00:38:19,840 --> 00:38:21,717
"I'll put that in my back pocket."
606
00:38:22,718 --> 00:38:23,844
And it wasn't long.
607
00:38:23,927 --> 00:38:26,889
I had a German test a few weeks later,
and I woke up…
608
00:38:26,972 --> 00:38:29,641
You know when you woke up in middle school
remembering you hadn't studied
609
00:38:29,725 --> 00:38:31,310
for something
you were supposed to study for?
610
00:38:31,393 --> 00:38:35,481
I shot out of bed. I'm like, "Oh fuck,
I didn't study for my German test."
611
00:38:35,564 --> 00:38:38,442
And I didn't care about learning German,
'cause I'm a Jew.
612
00:38:43,155 --> 00:38:44,239
It's too soon.
613
00:38:47,659 --> 00:38:50,120
But I heard my mother's footsteps
coming down the hallway.
614
00:38:50,204 --> 00:38:52,664
And I just sat in my bed,
shot my legs out.
615
00:38:52,748 --> 00:38:55,334
And she opened the door.
I'm like… [screams in pain]
616
00:38:55,876 --> 00:38:57,586
I said, "Ma, I don't know what happened."
617
00:38:57,669 --> 00:39:00,798
"I don't know
if this is the polio acting up or what."
618
00:39:02,257 --> 00:39:03,759
"But I woke up like this."
619
00:39:05,010 --> 00:39:07,346
My mom would give me such a side eye.
620
00:39:07,429 --> 00:39:10,724
'Cause I was a liar growing up.
I lied about everything.
621
00:39:10,808 --> 00:39:12,976
And my parents knew I was a liar.
622
00:39:13,060 --> 00:39:15,938
And my mom looked at me. She goes,
"Oh really? Now you have polio?"
623
00:39:16,021 --> 00:39:18,649
I go, "I don't know
what else this could be."
624
00:39:20,150 --> 00:39:23,695
I said, "They only go out like that.
They won't bend at the knee."
625
00:39:24,530 --> 00:39:25,364
"What…"
626
00:39:26,365 --> 00:39:29,368
She goes, "If you think you have polio,
we have to go to the emergency room."
627
00:39:29,451 --> 00:39:32,121
"You can't just sit at home all day
watching your soap operas."
628
00:39:32,204 --> 00:39:33,622
I was like, "Let's go."
629
00:39:41,880 --> 00:39:44,299
And then she didn't know what to do.
She was flummoxed.
630
00:39:44,383 --> 00:39:45,300
She goes, "Well…"
631
00:39:45,384 --> 00:39:48,137
She hands me a pair
of my stonewashed jeans on the floor.
632
00:39:48,220 --> 00:39:51,473
She throws them at me, "If we're going
to the ER, put those jeans on."
633
00:39:51,557 --> 00:39:54,726
I was like, "Okay."
I was 12. I knew how to scissor.
634
00:39:54,810 --> 00:39:56,353
I was like… [grunts]
635
00:39:57,229 --> 00:39:59,731
Shimmied one leg down,
and then I switched 'em.
636
00:39:59,815 --> 00:40:03,652
All the time, making eye contact with her,
like that fucked-up doll Chucky.
637
00:40:03,735 --> 00:40:05,279
I was like, "Yeah, bitch."
638
00:40:06,155 --> 00:40:09,533
Then I shimmied 'em up my waist,
and I hopped up. I go, "Let's go."
639
00:40:16,540 --> 00:40:18,250
And we get to the hospital,
640
00:40:18,333 --> 00:40:20,669
and I'm in this hospital gown,
641
00:40:20,752 --> 00:40:22,296
lying on a gurney,
642
00:40:22,379 --> 00:40:26,091
and the doctor comes in with this needle
that's, like, four inches long,
643
00:40:26,175 --> 00:40:30,304
and starts pricking me from my ankle
all the way up to my thigh.
644
00:40:30,387 --> 00:40:31,597
He's like, "Can you feel this?"
645
00:40:31,680 --> 00:40:33,265
I was like… [masking pain] "No."
646
00:40:34,933 --> 00:40:37,186
"I told you. I can't feel anything."
647
00:40:38,395 --> 00:40:42,816
The whole time, I'm like, "Shit. I wish
I had known this is the test for polio."
648
00:40:45,235 --> 00:40:47,988
"I would have picked
a more believable disease."
649
00:40:48,489 --> 00:40:50,407
"Like chlamydia or something."
650
00:40:54,369 --> 00:40:55,704
And at the end of the exam,
651
00:40:55,787 --> 00:40:58,040
he closes the curtain
to talk to my mother privately,
652
00:40:58,123 --> 00:41:01,126
and he says,
"Your daughter doesn't have polio,
653
00:41:01,210 --> 00:41:03,212
and she doesn't have scoliosis."
654
00:41:03,712 --> 00:41:06,340
"But she does need
a psychiatric evaluation."
655
00:41:10,052 --> 00:41:12,054
[cheering and applause]
656
00:41:16,183 --> 00:41:19,269
I'm like, "That sounds like
another day off from school."
657
00:41:20,646 --> 00:41:22,773
So that's why skiing
is so important to me,
658
00:41:22,856 --> 00:41:25,275
because it took me so long
to get good at it
659
00:41:25,359 --> 00:41:27,152
'cause I'm physically uncoordinated.
660
00:41:27,236 --> 00:41:29,863
And I take skiing very seriously.
661
00:41:29,947 --> 00:41:32,699
And my spot is Whistler, Canada.
That's where I love to go.
662
00:41:32,783 --> 00:41:35,786
I go with my family
every year for Christmas.
663
00:41:35,869 --> 00:41:39,039
I go every year for my birthday
to film my topless videos.
664
00:41:39,122 --> 00:41:40,791
[cheering]
665
00:41:44,962 --> 00:41:48,882
But my only dilemma was to bring my dogs
or to leave them here.
666
00:41:48,966 --> 00:41:51,593
Because I didn't know
if I was gonna be able to come back.
667
00:41:51,677 --> 00:41:53,595
The borders were pretty tight.
668
00:41:53,679 --> 00:41:57,015
And I have two dogs
left over from the Gary saga.
669
00:41:58,475 --> 00:41:59,893
And I didn't wanna leave them here
670
00:41:59,977 --> 00:42:02,563
because they already believe
that my housekeeper, Mabelle,
671
00:42:02,646 --> 00:42:04,064
is their birth mother.
672
00:42:05,023 --> 00:42:06,900
And that I'm some slutty au pair.
673
00:42:06,984 --> 00:42:10,612
that comes sauntering through the house
every three to four weeks.
674
00:42:11,196 --> 00:42:15,033
I don't know if Mabelle
is hiding peanut butter in her underwear,
675
00:42:16,326 --> 00:42:17,995
but I believe that she is.
676
00:42:19,037 --> 00:42:20,831
Because I was the one
that went to the rescue.
677
00:42:20,914 --> 00:42:24,501
I know enough to know that you have to be
the one to rescue your dogs
678
00:42:24,585 --> 00:42:26,962
so that they know that you're the mommy.
679
00:42:28,088 --> 00:42:31,425
And I went to a chow rescue
because that's my favorite type of dog.
680
00:42:31,508 --> 00:42:33,260
They look like real, live teddy bears
681
00:42:33,343 --> 00:42:35,804
with their purple tongues
and their tails that go up.
682
00:42:35,887 --> 00:42:37,931
They're aloof. I also respect that.
683
00:42:39,683 --> 00:42:43,562
I went to a chow rescue. I said,
"I'm looking for any sort of chow mix."
684
00:42:43,645 --> 00:42:46,315
"Preferably slightly obese.
What do you have?"
685
00:42:47,482 --> 00:42:50,944
And she said, "We have
a brother and sister combo platter."
686
00:42:52,738 --> 00:42:54,781
I was like, "I like the sound of that."
687
00:42:55,449 --> 00:42:58,368
I'm from a big family.
I love a sibling dynamic.
688
00:42:58,452 --> 00:43:00,078
I was like, "Bring them out."
689
00:43:00,162 --> 00:43:04,875
And I will never forget this image
of seeing the male dog round the corner,
690
00:43:04,958 --> 00:43:07,419
and his ass was so giant
691
00:43:08,587 --> 00:43:10,339
that, even though
he was running towards me,
692
00:43:10,422 --> 00:43:12,257
that was the first feature I saw.
693
00:43:14,426 --> 00:43:16,595
And he had that neck meat that I love.
694
00:43:16,678 --> 00:43:19,431
The neck meat was swaying back and forth.
695
00:43:19,514 --> 00:43:23,352
And then he had underarm meat
that was also swaying back and forth.
696
00:43:23,435 --> 00:43:27,648
I was like, "Oh my God.
This is a dog you could hide jewelry in."
697
00:43:30,734 --> 00:43:33,028
And then the female,
sister version of him,
698
00:43:33,111 --> 00:43:36,281
she was more
of a petite filet female version of him,
699
00:43:36,365 --> 00:43:38,367
came around the corner,
and she was scrappier.
700
00:43:38,450 --> 00:43:42,162
She looked like she had
just gotten off a bus from Guadalajara.
701
00:43:44,081 --> 00:43:46,166
She had alopecia down her back.
702
00:43:46,249 --> 00:43:50,087
Bald. You know, a bald tail.
She had a diamond earring in her ear.
703
00:43:50,170 --> 00:43:52,673
I was like, "Oh my God,
back the fuck up, bitch."
704
00:43:53,507 --> 00:43:55,384
"You're safe now. You're with Mommy."
705
00:43:58,679 --> 00:44:00,222
And then the woman from the rescue said,
706
00:44:00,847 --> 00:44:04,059
"Their names are Bertrand and Bernice."
707
00:44:08,105 --> 00:44:10,774
I almost climaxed right there on the dirt.
708
00:44:12,025 --> 00:44:15,028
I had to look away from her
so she didn't think I was a predator.
709
00:44:15,112 --> 00:44:19,533
I was like, "Oh my God, that is exactly
what I was gonna name them!"
710
00:44:20,992 --> 00:44:22,119
I scooped them right up.
711
00:44:22,202 --> 00:44:25,247
I'm like, "Come on, guys.
I'm your mother now. Let's go."
712
00:44:25,747 --> 00:44:28,792
I had to take them straight to the vet,
you know, because they were rescues,
713
00:44:28,875 --> 00:44:31,086
and Bernice's teeth were a hot mess.
714
00:44:32,087 --> 00:44:33,922
She looked like she was from London.
715
00:44:42,347 --> 00:44:46,685
And the vet calls me, and she goes,
"Hi, we're heading into surgery right now,
716
00:44:46,768 --> 00:44:48,186
and I just wanna let you know
717
00:44:48,270 --> 00:44:51,440
that we may have to remove
all of Bernice's teeth."
718
00:44:52,232 --> 00:44:56,069
I was like, "No. Absolutely not.
She's not living that lifestyle anymore."
719
00:45:01,616 --> 00:45:04,286
"She's not moving to Bel Air
with no teeth, okay?"
720
00:45:04,369 --> 00:45:07,998
Talk about an underdog.
She needs two teeth at the very least.
721
00:45:09,082 --> 00:45:12,502
So she can chew and defend herself
in case of an emergency.
722
00:45:13,378 --> 00:45:16,673
And then the vet said,
"And Bert needs to lose 17 pounds."
723
00:45:16,757 --> 00:45:18,216
I hung up on that bitch.
724
00:45:20,886 --> 00:45:22,262
I said to my housekeeper, Mabelle,
725
00:45:22,345 --> 00:45:25,390
"Under no circumstances
are we body-shaming this dog."
726
00:45:25,474 --> 00:45:28,143
"If anything, we are expanding his size."
727
00:45:29,895 --> 00:45:31,897
And then I made a crucial mistake.
728
00:45:32,522 --> 00:45:34,775
I went away
too soon after I rescued these dogs.
729
00:45:34,858 --> 00:45:36,777
I didn't know that that was a rule.
730
00:45:36,860 --> 00:45:38,695
I just went away for 48 hours.
731
00:45:39,237 --> 00:45:40,363
And I came back
732
00:45:40,864 --> 00:45:43,700
and saw my housekeeper of 15 years
733
00:45:43,784 --> 00:45:47,078
walking through my kitchen
wearing two ankle weights.
734
00:45:48,705 --> 00:45:50,874
And guess who was behind her,
wearing four?
735
00:45:53,001 --> 00:45:53,835
Bert.
736
00:45:55,629 --> 00:45:58,089
I go, "What are you doing?
What is going on here?"
737
00:45:58,173 --> 00:46:00,675
She goes, [in Spanish accent]
"Momma and Poppa are on a diet."
738
00:46:05,180 --> 00:46:07,891
I said, "Oh really?
You're Momma and he's Poppa?"
739
00:46:07,974 --> 00:46:10,185
"Who the fuck am I in this scenario?"
740
00:46:12,103 --> 00:46:14,105
She goes, "You are Baby Pig."
741
00:46:17,150 --> 00:46:19,361
That's what my housekeeper calls me.
Baby Pig.
742
00:46:19,444 --> 00:46:21,863
Fifteen years together
and she calls me Baby Pig.
743
00:46:21,947 --> 00:46:24,950
And now all of my friends
also call me Baby Pig.
744
00:46:27,911 --> 00:46:29,079
She calls me Baby Pig
745
00:46:29,162 --> 00:46:32,249
'cause she leaves chocolate nut clusters,
Turtles, that's my favorite snack…
746
00:46:32,332 --> 00:46:35,210
She leaves them on my pillow
every single night,
747
00:46:35,293 --> 00:46:37,420
which would be nice if I lived in a hotel.
748
00:46:39,631 --> 00:46:43,468
But then she ups the ante and she removes
the cellophane from the Turtles,
749
00:46:43,552 --> 00:46:45,887
so they are bare-backing my pillow.
750
00:46:52,185 --> 00:46:53,687
And then comes in every morning going,
751
00:46:53,770 --> 00:46:56,523
"Where is the stain, you baby pig?
Where is it?"
752
00:47:00,777 --> 00:47:03,697
She's trying to frame me in my own house.
753
00:47:04,698 --> 00:47:07,659
And she loves
that my dogs prefer her over me.
754
00:47:07,742 --> 00:47:09,244
She can't get enough of it.
755
00:47:09,327 --> 00:47:11,454
When she leaves every day at 4:30,
756
00:47:11,538 --> 00:47:15,083
Bert sits at the window.
He sees her minivan take off,
757
00:47:15,166 --> 00:47:18,795
and he gets pissed
and slams his head on the ground,
758
00:47:18,879 --> 00:47:20,213
concusses himself,
759
00:47:21,047 --> 00:47:24,885
and is in a blackout until 8:00 a.m.
when she returns the next morning.
760
00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:30,807
If I wanna sleep with my own dogs,
761
00:47:30,891 --> 00:47:34,102
which is the entire reason
I even have dogs…
762
00:47:34,185 --> 00:47:36,521
All I wanna do is just sleep with them.
763
00:47:37,439 --> 00:47:40,567
If I wanna sleep with my own dogs,
I have to lure them,
764
00:47:41,818 --> 00:47:42,903
like a molester.
765
00:47:44,821 --> 00:47:47,824
I have to get their leashes
inside the house.
766
00:47:47,908 --> 00:47:50,702
I have to put their leashes on
inside the house.
767
00:47:50,785 --> 00:47:53,914
And I have to get a chicken wing
out of the refrigerator,
768
00:47:54,414 --> 00:47:56,291
then I have to put on
one of Mabelle's scarves,
769
00:47:56,374 --> 00:47:57,918
so they smell her scent.
770
00:47:58,418 --> 00:48:00,962
And I have to speak in Spanish
the whole way up to my bedroom,
771
00:48:01,046 --> 00:48:05,258
and say, "Come to Mama, Papa.
Venga, venga. Vamos, vamos."
772
00:48:05,842 --> 00:48:07,844
[cheering and applause]
773
00:48:11,640 --> 00:48:14,267
I've had more one-night stands
that are less demeaning
774
00:48:14,351 --> 00:48:16,394
than my relationship with my dogs.
775
00:48:16,478 --> 00:48:20,315
Then when they get up to my bedroom,
I lure them up the doggy steps.
776
00:48:20,398 --> 00:48:24,027
When they're on the bed, I have to kick
the steps away so that they're trapped.
777
00:48:28,782 --> 00:48:31,242
After two months of this,
I was like, "This is dehumanizing."
778
00:48:32,243 --> 00:48:33,620
I said, "These dogs suck."
779
00:48:35,288 --> 00:48:36,998
And then a Westwood rescue called me,
780
00:48:37,082 --> 00:48:39,918
and they said, "Oh, we have a rescue.
He's a Leonberger."
781
00:48:40,001 --> 00:48:41,336
I was like, "What's that?"
782
00:48:42,128 --> 00:48:43,296
And they sent me a picture.
783
00:48:43,380 --> 00:48:45,423
I was like,
"That's not my type," you know?
784
00:48:45,507 --> 00:48:49,970
He's 110 pounds. A big dog.
Lean, muscular. Not into that.
785
00:48:50,053 --> 00:48:51,429
But again, I was desperate.
786
00:48:52,639 --> 00:48:54,140
I went down there. I saw the dog.
787
00:48:54,224 --> 00:48:56,726
I'm like, "Maybe he and I
can have a connection."
788
00:48:57,352 --> 00:48:59,688
So I grabbed him, and I named him Hodor.
789
00:49:00,188 --> 00:49:01,356
[audience] Awww!
790
00:49:01,439 --> 00:49:05,235
I took him home with Bert and Bernice.
I put them all in my bedroom.
791
00:49:05,318 --> 00:49:07,362
I closed the door, and I thought,
792
00:49:07,445 --> 00:49:09,948
"They'll figure out
who the alpha male is," you know?
793
00:49:10,448 --> 00:49:11,866
Or the alpha dog is.
794
00:49:11,950 --> 00:49:14,953
Let them sort it out.
I'm not gonna be a helicopter parent.
795
00:49:18,873 --> 00:49:21,167
So I popped an edible,
and I went to sleep.
796
00:49:24,295 --> 00:49:27,298
I like to be as stoned as possible
when I sleep at night.
797
00:49:28,383 --> 00:49:30,969
Just in case anything goes down.
798
00:49:33,888 --> 00:49:37,976
Just in case there's a burglary
or an intruder or a rapist.
799
00:49:38,059 --> 00:49:39,811
I wanna sleep through that attack.
800
00:49:41,771 --> 00:49:44,816
I don't wanna wake up in the night
looking for a steak knife
801
00:49:44,899 --> 00:49:47,610
or a panic button and fight off somebody.
802
00:49:47,694 --> 00:49:51,239
I wanna slowly pass away
while that attack is happening.
803
00:49:53,074 --> 00:49:55,410
If Michael Jackson's doctor
were still a doctor,
804
00:49:55,493 --> 00:49:56,870
he would be my doctor.
805
00:50:06,629 --> 00:50:10,008
So I go to sleep.
I drift off into la la land.
806
00:50:10,091 --> 00:50:12,177
I wake up to a sound
I had never heard before.
807
00:50:12,260 --> 00:50:15,346
Like a coyote was in my bedroom.
That's what it sounded like.
808
00:50:15,847 --> 00:50:18,224
And I turn the light on and I look,
809
00:50:18,308 --> 00:50:19,726
and I see one of my dogs
810
00:50:19,809 --> 00:50:23,813
wrapped around the new dog, Hodor,
like a shape-shifter.
811
00:50:25,315 --> 00:50:27,400
At first, I couldn't tell
if it was Bert or Bernice.
812
00:50:27,484 --> 00:50:28,902
And then I realized it was Bernice
813
00:50:28,985 --> 00:50:32,822
'cause she was still in a yellow négligée
I had put her in the night before.
814
00:50:35,325 --> 00:50:36,993
And her eyes were bloodshot and red,
815
00:50:37,077 --> 00:50:39,370
just like Michael Jordan's
in his documentary.
816
00:50:40,997 --> 00:50:43,249
She looked like
she may have put on a little lipstick too.
817
00:50:43,333 --> 00:50:46,461
She was biting Hodor's neck. I'm like,
"Oh my God, she's winning."
818
00:50:46,544 --> 00:50:50,381
I got out of bed. I grabbed my daughter
and threw her across the room,
819
00:50:50,465 --> 00:50:52,842
into my closet,
and then I shut the closet door.
820
00:50:52,926 --> 00:50:56,012
And then Hodor's coming for us,
and I fought him off,
821
00:50:56,096 --> 00:50:59,224
and then guided him out of my bedroom door
and shut that door.
822
00:50:59,307 --> 00:51:02,268
And then I go back into my bedroom
and just collapse.
823
00:51:03,144 --> 00:51:07,232
And I'm like, "Oh my God,
I'm so high. What was that?"
824
00:51:11,319 --> 00:51:12,737
"Who were those people?"
825
00:51:20,245 --> 00:51:23,915
And then I look down,
and my breast was exposed.
826
00:51:26,126 --> 00:51:28,336
And my nipple was bleeding.
827
00:51:30,713 --> 00:51:34,050
[sighs] And I checked
to make sure it was still attached.
828
00:51:35,510 --> 00:51:37,804
And I thought,
"I'll deal with this tomorrow."
829
00:51:41,641 --> 00:51:44,144
[cheering and applause]
830
00:51:49,399 --> 00:51:50,900
Then I grabbed the doggy steps
831
00:51:50,984 --> 00:51:54,154
and put them back up against the bed,
and I climbed up them.
832
00:51:57,073 --> 00:51:58,575
And I lay in my bed,
833
00:51:59,284 --> 00:52:01,035
and I texted my assistant, Tanner,
834
00:52:01,119 --> 00:52:02,996
and said, "I'm gonna need to see
835
00:52:03,079 --> 00:52:05,665
the security footage
from my bedroom tonight."
836
00:52:12,505 --> 00:52:15,884
"And if you wouldn't mind
putting it to some Shania Twain…
837
00:52:17,969 --> 00:52:21,055
or some other upbeat music,
I would appreciate that."
838
00:52:24,392 --> 00:52:25,310
"I'd like to watch it
839
00:52:25,393 --> 00:52:28,646
the next time my landscaper and I
do mushrooms together."
840
00:52:30,648 --> 00:52:32,650
[cheering and applause]
841
00:52:39,490 --> 00:52:41,075
And in that footage…
842
00:52:43,411 --> 00:52:47,540
when you watch it in slow motion,
you see me stumble out of bed,
843
00:52:48,124 --> 00:52:49,918
looking like Gary Busey.
844
00:52:52,795 --> 00:52:57,425
Picking up my own daughter
and tossing her across the sky,
845
00:52:57,508 --> 00:53:02,430
while she is twirling in the air
with her belly facing the ceiling.
846
00:53:03,389 --> 00:53:04,224
Then, at some point,
847
00:53:04,307 --> 00:53:06,768
she straightens herself out
like a squirrel
848
00:53:06,851 --> 00:53:11,189
and flips a bitch like a 747 in the sky
849
00:53:11,272 --> 00:53:13,733
to come back and bite me in the tit.
850
00:53:20,573 --> 00:53:23,826
With the two teeth
I campaigned for her to keep.
851
00:53:32,043 --> 00:53:33,711
So, yeah, I took her to Whistler.
852
00:53:35,171 --> 00:53:37,173
I respect the shit out of that dog.
853
00:53:37,674 --> 00:53:40,343
I took them both to Whistler.
"We're gonna be in a winter wonderland."
854
00:53:40,426 --> 00:53:42,637
"I'm gonna imprint
new memories on their brains."
855
00:53:42,720 --> 00:53:44,305
"They're gonna forget about Mabelle."
856
00:53:44,806 --> 00:53:46,391
I had to quarantine for two weeks.
857
00:53:46,474 --> 00:53:48,893
It just snowed every day.
All I could do was walk the dogs.
858
00:53:48,977 --> 00:53:51,229
I had never even taken them
for a walk before.
859
00:53:52,105 --> 00:53:53,815
The second day, we were walking,
860
00:53:53,898 --> 00:53:56,317
and this Canadian woman
comes around the corner,
861
00:53:56,401 --> 00:53:58,569
and she's got a big parka and Ugg boots.
862
00:53:58,653 --> 00:54:01,197
She sees Bert and Bernice and she goes…
863
00:54:01,281 --> 00:54:02,615
[excited squeal]
864
00:54:03,449 --> 00:54:04,450
And I go, "What?"
865
00:54:04,534 --> 00:54:06,744
And she goes,
"Why aren't they on leashes?"
866
00:54:06,828 --> 00:54:10,373
I was like, "'Cause they're so lazy.
Like, they can't even walk."
867
00:54:10,456 --> 00:54:13,251
"They're never gonna run.
Like, don't worry about it."
868
00:54:14,711 --> 00:54:18,172
She goes, "It's not for me. Somebody else
could think that they're bears."
869
00:54:23,303 --> 00:54:25,930
I said, "They're both
wearing handkerchiefs."
870
00:54:36,232 --> 00:54:38,276
"Do you know
a lot of bears that get dressed up
871
00:54:38,359 --> 00:54:40,361
before they go out to murder?"
872
00:54:43,406 --> 00:54:46,409
My quarantine ended. I wanted to ski.
All I cared about was skiing.
873
00:54:46,492 --> 00:54:48,578
But I had no one to ski with.
That's not really safe.
874
00:54:48,661 --> 00:54:51,789
So I was like, "Oh God, what do I do?"
So I hired a ski guide.
875
00:54:52,290 --> 00:54:55,251
And he slowly transitioned
into a full-time prostitute.
876
00:54:59,964 --> 00:55:02,383
[cheering]
877
00:55:02,467 --> 00:55:05,178
And then I got a yeast infection.
I was like…
878
00:55:06,387 --> 00:55:07,597
"Are you kidding me?"
879
00:55:07,680 --> 00:55:09,599
I mean, that is the story
of being a woman.
880
00:55:09,682 --> 00:55:12,435
You're so horny, you're so horny,
you find somebody to penetrate you,
881
00:55:12,518 --> 00:55:15,188
and then you have an allergic reaction
to that person.
882
00:55:17,398 --> 00:55:19,776
[groans in frustration]
So I go down to the pharmacy,
883
00:55:19,859 --> 00:55:23,696
and I'm going through the pharmacy aisles,
looking for yeast infection cures,
884
00:55:23,780 --> 00:55:25,990
and I come across Monistat 3,
885
00:55:26,074 --> 00:55:28,493
which means you rub this cream
on your pikachu,
886
00:55:28,576 --> 00:55:31,537
and in three days,
your yeast infection is gone.
887
00:55:32,038 --> 00:55:36,876
Or if you're having a really good time
and you want to extend it by four days,
888
00:55:36,959 --> 00:55:38,461
there's Monistat 7.
889
00:55:48,805 --> 00:55:52,225
I was like, "I'm sorry.
Is there not a ten or 14-day option
890
00:55:52,725 --> 00:55:55,061
if I want to treat this
like a regular spring break
891
00:55:55,144 --> 00:55:58,189
because I love scratching my beaver
in front of strangers?"
892
00:56:01,567 --> 00:56:04,070
You know who came up
with that medication? A man.
893
00:56:04,153 --> 00:56:05,780
[cheering and applause]
894
00:56:11,160 --> 00:56:14,497
I couldn't believe it.
I'm like, "What is this?"
895
00:56:14,580 --> 00:56:16,624
So I text my doctor in LA.
896
00:56:16,707 --> 00:56:18,584
In America, we get a Diflucan.
897
00:56:18,668 --> 00:56:23,714
That's one large pill. You take it.
48 hours later, yeast infection is gone.
898
00:56:23,798 --> 00:56:26,592
I said, "Can you prescribe me a Diflucan?"
899
00:56:26,676 --> 00:56:30,304
He said, "They don't have that in Canada,
but I will get you something comparable."
900
00:56:30,388 --> 00:56:32,640
I'm like, "Okay."
He calls it into the pharmacy.
901
00:56:32,723 --> 00:56:34,225
I'm pacing up and down the pharmacy.
902
00:56:34,308 --> 00:56:38,146
I'm in my ski outfit. My ski boots,
my helmet. I look like a giant dick.
903
00:56:40,815 --> 00:56:42,400
And then he calls my name.
904
00:56:42,483 --> 00:56:45,445
I go over, and he hands me a pill
that's bigger than Diflucan.
905
00:56:45,528 --> 00:56:47,196
The size of a small missile.
906
00:56:48,698 --> 00:56:51,033
So I pop it in my mouth,
I chug some water,
907
00:56:51,117 --> 00:56:53,744
and I get back out there,
and I go on the chairlift.
908
00:56:53,828 --> 00:56:56,747
And I'm riding up the chairlift
with two complete strangers,
909
00:56:56,831 --> 00:56:59,459
and the pill [mimicking throat blockage]
is not going down my throat.
910
00:56:59,959 --> 00:57:02,211
I'm like, "This is a really big pill."
911
00:57:03,129 --> 00:57:04,714
"Why won't it go down?"
912
00:57:05,298 --> 00:57:08,092
I'm like… [rasping]
913
00:57:09,510 --> 00:57:13,473
I'm like, "I've got to dislodge this
before I start skiing. It's dangerous."
914
00:57:14,307 --> 00:57:16,893
"I can't ski
with a pill in my throat like this."
915
00:57:18,060 --> 00:57:20,354
I get to the top.
It's still not down. I'm like…
916
00:57:20,438 --> 00:57:22,815
[groaning] "I gotta get some more water."
917
00:57:22,899 --> 00:57:24,609
I go into the bar. I get a margarita.
918
00:57:24,692 --> 00:57:25,693
I chug that down.
919
00:57:25,776 --> 00:57:28,196
I'm like… [gargling]
920
00:57:29,113 --> 00:57:31,407
And the pill
still will not go down my throat.
921
00:57:31,491 --> 00:57:33,743
I'm like, "I'm in a real pickle here."
922
00:57:35,828 --> 00:57:37,413
I'm like, "What is going on?"
923
00:57:37,497 --> 00:57:41,292
And then I take the wrapper
that it came in out of my ski pants,
924
00:57:41,792 --> 00:57:44,420
and in big, bold, black lettering,
925
00:57:44,504 --> 00:57:47,006
it says, "For vaginal use only."
926
00:57:47,089 --> 00:57:49,091
[appalled groans and applause]
927
00:58:07,527 --> 00:58:09,529
I was like, "Oh, whoopsie-doodle."
928
00:58:12,406 --> 00:58:13,908
So I text my doctor.
929
00:58:18,204 --> 00:58:19,789
And I'm like, "Hey."
930
00:58:28,339 --> 00:58:30,049
I said… [anxiously] "Hey, you."
931
00:58:36,806 --> 00:58:38,140
I said, "That pill
932
00:58:39,600 --> 00:58:41,852
that you prescribed me, does that work
933
00:58:42,436 --> 00:58:44,230
whichever hole you put it in?"
934
00:58:54,448 --> 00:58:57,076
And he wrote back,
"Which hole did you put it in?"
935
00:59:03,833 --> 00:59:06,919
I'm like, "What?"
Counting my holes. I'm like, "What?"
936
00:59:08,337 --> 00:59:10,006
I wrote back, "Not my butt."
937
00:59:13,342 --> 00:59:14,802
And he wrote back, "Oh dear."
938
00:59:23,853 --> 00:59:26,314
The next 48 hours were excruciating
939
00:59:27,773 --> 00:59:32,361
while I waited for a sourdough starter kit
to pop out of my mouth.
940
00:59:42,038 --> 00:59:45,708
I was like, "Oh great.
Now I'm a baker. A Canadian baker."
941
00:59:51,422 --> 00:59:55,092
After that fiasco,
I finally was able to meet a friend.
942
00:59:55,176 --> 00:59:57,887
Her name was Kelly.
We skied together for a couple of days.
943
00:59:57,970 --> 01:00:00,181
I said, "Hey,
you're really cool and everything,
944
01:00:00,264 --> 01:00:02,767
but what I'm really looking for is a man."
945
01:00:03,434 --> 01:00:06,479
"Okay? I'm here for,
I don't know, three months, six months."
946
01:00:06,562 --> 01:00:08,689
"Who knows how long
this is gonna go on for?"
947
01:00:08,773 --> 01:00:12,818
"But I would like somebody I can ski with
and then have sex with, in that order,
948
01:00:12,902 --> 01:00:14,403
and you're not gonna cut it."
949
01:00:15,571 --> 01:00:19,075
I said, "I will never, ever contact
this person once I leave Whistler."
950
01:00:19,158 --> 01:00:21,994
"This is a huge opportunity for somebody."
951
01:00:23,954 --> 01:00:26,582
She goes, "I can help you."
I go, "Great. That's perfect."
952
01:00:26,666 --> 01:00:29,418
She said, "Come to a party
with me on Saturday."
953
01:00:29,502 --> 01:00:32,922
So I go with her to a party in Whistler.
I'm sitting on a sofa.
954
01:00:33,422 --> 01:00:37,760
A man walks into the party, and she goes,
"That's the guy I wanna set you up with."
955
01:00:37,843 --> 01:00:38,761
I look over,
956
01:00:40,096 --> 01:00:42,515
and here's a guy wearing a captain's hat.
957
01:00:43,182 --> 01:00:44,225
[audience member] Yeah!
958
01:00:44,308 --> 01:00:45,768
No. Not "yes."
959
01:00:48,354 --> 01:00:52,149
I don't know what happens to men
when they put on captain's hats.
960
01:00:52,942 --> 01:00:54,819
But it's embarrassing to watch.
961
01:00:56,278 --> 01:00:58,781
Do you know how much
micro dick energy it takes
962
01:00:58,864 --> 01:01:02,952
to put on a captain's hat and then act
like you have a fleet of ships
963
01:01:03,035 --> 01:01:04,870
or a fleet of fucking planes?
964
01:01:04,954 --> 01:01:08,999
You know how embarrassing it is
to be like, "Waaah, I'm a captain now"?
965
01:01:09,083 --> 01:01:11,335
No, you're not. You're not a captain.
966
01:01:11,419 --> 01:01:12,962
I've studied this for a long time
967
01:01:13,045 --> 01:01:15,089
'cause my father used to wear
a captain's hat.
968
01:01:15,172 --> 01:01:17,550
And we would take the ferry over
to Martha's Vineyard
969
01:01:17,633 --> 01:01:19,093
every summer from Boston,
970
01:01:19,176 --> 01:01:21,095
and he would wear a captain's hat
on the ferry.
971
01:01:21,178 --> 01:01:23,973
And the entire ferry ride,
I would be so paranoid
972
01:01:24,056 --> 01:01:25,766
that the real captain
would come down and see
973
01:01:25,850 --> 01:01:27,977
that my father was in a Halloween costume.
974
01:01:31,272 --> 01:01:33,816
And it's only white guys
that pull this kind of shit.
975
01:01:33,899 --> 01:01:37,528
Black guys don't fucking put on
captain's hats and act like assholes.
976
01:01:37,611 --> 01:01:40,406
Asian guys are definitely
not pulling that shit,
977
01:01:40,489 --> 01:01:42,867
and Latino guys aren't doing it either.
978
01:01:43,617 --> 01:01:46,328
Well, Pitbull is,
but he's a special situation.
979
01:01:50,541 --> 01:01:53,586
Because anyone in our society
who's, like, a real captain,
980
01:01:53,669 --> 01:01:54,670
you know, heroes,
981
01:01:54,754 --> 01:01:57,298
they would never put on a captain's hat
in the first place.
982
01:01:57,381 --> 01:01:59,467
Nobody would deem themselves a captain.
983
01:01:59,550 --> 01:02:01,552
The real heroes of our society,
984
01:02:01,635 --> 01:02:04,722
who are nurses and teachers
and flight attendants…
985
01:02:04,805 --> 01:02:06,307
[cheering and applause]
986
01:02:06,390 --> 01:02:09,477
Yeah. Those are the heroes now.
Flight attendants.
987
01:02:09,560 --> 01:02:12,521
Can you believe
the shit that they've had to put up with
988
01:02:12,605 --> 01:02:14,273
the last three years?
989
01:02:14,356 --> 01:02:15,816
Innocent women
990
01:02:15,900 --> 01:02:16,984
and gay men…
991
01:02:19,320 --> 01:02:23,532
who just wanted to spend a few extra
weekends a year in Puerto Vallarta
992
01:02:24,533 --> 01:02:29,872
now have to spend their shifts duct-taping
fat Republicans to their airplane seats.
993
01:02:29,955 --> 01:02:31,957
[cheering and applause]
994
01:02:37,838 --> 01:02:39,215
Unbelievable.
995
01:02:39,298 --> 01:02:42,009
Talk about a societal breakdown.
996
01:02:42,092 --> 01:02:45,471
They're not equipped
to be fighting crime in the sky.
997
01:02:47,473 --> 01:02:50,518
So I see this guy right away,
and I'm like, "Boner killer."
998
01:02:52,603 --> 01:02:53,979
I'm like, "There's no way."
999
01:02:54,063 --> 01:02:56,857
He sees me and makes a beeline,
comes straight over to me.
1000
01:02:58,234 --> 01:03:00,110
And he goes, "Are you Chelsea Handler?"
1001
01:03:00,611 --> 01:03:01,445
I go, "No."
1002
01:03:05,324 --> 01:03:07,868
And I look down,
and he's wearing flip-flops.
1003
01:03:09,161 --> 01:03:11,163
I'm like, "This is a double assault."
1004
01:03:12,456 --> 01:03:15,251
In the middle
of a winter storm in February,
1005
01:03:15,334 --> 01:03:16,502
this guy's wearing flip-flops.
1006
01:03:16,585 --> 01:03:21,257
I am so done with men
extending their visa for flip-flops.
1007
01:03:21,340 --> 01:03:24,176
You are allowed to wear them
in one season. It's called summer.
1008
01:03:24,260 --> 01:03:26,595
Okay? Don't extend boundaries.
1009
01:03:26,679 --> 01:03:28,389
[cheering and applause]
1010
01:03:28,472 --> 01:03:29,390
Those are our shoes.
1011
01:03:29,473 --> 01:03:32,560
They're for us
and for gay men who get fucking pedicures.
1012
01:03:32,643 --> 01:03:35,521
Don't flaunt your feet in our faces.
We're sick of it.
1013
01:03:39,233 --> 01:03:42,069
He goes, "You have a problem
with flip-flops?" I go, "I do."
1014
01:03:42,778 --> 01:03:45,447
I said, "And just so you know,
there's a whole other group of men
1015
01:03:45,531 --> 01:03:47,741
that love to wear flip-flops
in the wintertime
1016
01:03:47,825 --> 01:03:49,535
and also argue with women."
1017
01:03:49,618 --> 01:03:51,078
"They're called the Taliban."
1018
01:03:51,161 --> 01:03:53,163
[shocked exclamations and cheering]
1019
01:03:58,794 --> 01:04:02,631
"Think about that the next time you wanna
slap those puppies on your feet, okay?"
1020
01:04:07,094 --> 01:04:09,096
He goes, "Let me cut the tension."
1021
01:04:09,597 --> 01:04:11,599
"My name is Gregg."
1022
01:04:13,684 --> 01:04:15,936
I said, "Let me guess. Two Gs?"
1023
01:04:17,813 --> 01:04:19,106
He goes, "How did you know?"
1024
01:04:19,189 --> 01:04:21,233
I go, "Because of your outfit."
1025
01:04:25,362 --> 01:04:28,532
And then he tried again. He goes, "Quick.
Top ten favorite bands. Name 'em."
1026
01:04:32,244 --> 01:04:33,787
I was like, "Nickelback."
1027
01:04:35,372 --> 01:04:37,791
[applause]
1028
01:04:43,088 --> 01:04:46,258
And then, as a last-ditch effort,
he goes, "I have drugs."
1029
01:04:47,593 --> 01:04:48,969
I said, "You'd better."
1030
01:04:51,889 --> 01:04:55,726
And he takes out this plastic bag
filled with all these capsules.
1031
01:04:55,809 --> 01:04:57,353
"What is that?" He said, "It's Molly."
1032
01:04:57,937 --> 01:05:01,315
And he goes to hand me one capsule.
I said, "Please give me the whole bag."
1033
01:05:06,779 --> 01:05:08,155
I said, "Listen to me,
1034
01:05:08,656 --> 01:05:09,949
Grejjjj."
1035
01:05:18,832 --> 01:05:22,252
"You might be wearing the captain's hat,
but I'm the captain now."
1036
01:05:22,336 --> 01:05:23,754
[cheering and applause]
1037
01:05:29,510 --> 01:05:32,304
"And you don't deserve your drugs."
1038
01:05:32,388 --> 01:05:35,224
"These drugs are now
for every woman at this party
1039
01:05:35,307 --> 01:05:37,518
who had to see that outfit
walk in the door."
1040
01:05:39,728 --> 01:05:40,980
He goes, "You seem angry."
1041
01:05:41,063 --> 01:05:42,189
I said, "Oh, I am."
1042
01:05:43,107 --> 01:05:45,192
"I'm angry on behalf of all women."
1043
01:05:45,901 --> 01:05:48,529
"That a man like you
thinks he can wear an outfit like that
1044
01:05:48,612 --> 01:05:51,907
and come to a party and fuck
a girl like me. Not gonna happen."
1045
01:05:51,991 --> 01:05:54,159
[cheering and applause]
1046
01:05:59,206 --> 01:06:02,960
I'm angry that, after everything
we've learned as a society,
1047
01:06:03,043 --> 01:06:06,338
all together, men and women alike,
and everything in between,
1048
01:06:06,422 --> 01:06:10,426
all together, everything we've learned
about the imbalance of power
1049
01:06:10,509 --> 01:06:13,053
and what abuse
women have been subjected to,
1050
01:06:13,137 --> 01:06:14,555
that men aren't just walking up
1051
01:06:14,638 --> 01:06:17,307
and the first sentence out of their mouth
is "I'm sorry."
1052
01:06:17,391 --> 01:06:19,018
[cheering and applause]
1053
01:06:21,311 --> 01:06:24,565
After everything we've gleaned
about the imbalance of power
1054
01:06:24,648 --> 01:06:28,318
and the abuse that women have been
subjected to at the hands of men…
1055
01:06:28,402 --> 01:06:30,487
It doesn't mean you're guilty
or you're guilty.
1056
01:06:30,571 --> 01:06:32,114
It doesn't mean anything like that.
1057
01:06:32,197 --> 01:06:34,992
As a society,
you all owe us a fucking apology.
1058
01:06:35,075 --> 01:06:37,077
[cheering and applause]
1059
01:06:39,663 --> 01:06:40,497
Honestly.
1060
01:06:40,581 --> 01:06:44,918
You're arguing with us about flip-flops
and a captain's… I mean, honestly!
1061
01:06:46,045 --> 01:06:46,879
And I know…
1062
01:06:46,962 --> 01:06:49,173
If you're a straight, white man
sitting here tonight,
1063
01:06:49,256 --> 01:06:50,758
I know somebody made you come.
1064
01:06:53,469 --> 01:06:57,181
I know if you're not a girl or gay
or transitioning or non-binary,
1065
01:06:57,264 --> 01:06:58,932
somebody dragged your ass here tonight.
1066
01:06:59,016 --> 01:07:02,186
And I know when straight, white men
hear the sound of my voice
1067
01:07:02,269 --> 01:07:05,773
or the name Chelsea Handler,
they're like, "Get the fuck away from me!"
1068
01:07:07,733 --> 01:07:08,567
I know that.
1069
01:07:08,650 --> 01:07:12,529
But I don't need you to like me in order
for me to try to fucking help you, okay?
1070
01:07:14,239 --> 01:07:16,366
It's not easy for me either.
1071
01:07:17,201 --> 01:07:21,705
I have to wake up two hours earlier
than everyone just to de-cuntify myself.
1072
01:07:23,082 --> 01:07:26,168
I have to sit on the edge of my bed
like a baby
1073
01:07:26,251 --> 01:07:29,880
and do a mantra that says,
"Do not be a cunt today. You are one."
1074
01:07:34,259 --> 01:07:38,764
But after all this time, when you guys
ask us stupid fucking questions,
1075
01:07:39,431 --> 01:07:43,602
like, "We don't know what to do anymore.
Can we still open the door for you?"
1076
01:07:46,730 --> 01:07:47,815
It's like, "Yeah."
1077
01:07:47,898 --> 01:07:51,777
"You've been raping us
since the beginning of time."
1078
01:07:51,860 --> 01:07:54,822
"The least you could do
is open the door for us."
1079
01:07:54,905 --> 01:07:56,907
[cheering and applause]
1080
01:07:58,742 --> 01:08:02,079
"Open it, close it,
and then open it again, you moron!"
1081
01:08:02,913 --> 01:08:05,582
"Are you missing the entire conversation?"
1082
01:08:06,208 --> 01:08:07,793
I mean, it's unbelievable.
1083
01:08:07,876 --> 01:08:10,754
My brother's like, "Chelsea,
not all white guys are bad guys."
1084
01:08:10,838 --> 01:08:14,007
I go, "Nobody said that.
Nobody ever said that."
1085
01:08:14,091 --> 01:08:15,676
"But now you sound suspicious."
1086
01:08:19,596 --> 01:08:20,806
And if you're not the asshole…
1087
01:08:20,889 --> 01:08:23,058
I'm assuming if you're sitting
in this audience tonight,
1088
01:08:23,142 --> 01:08:25,978
you're with a woman or a man
who's already explained this shit to you.
1089
01:08:26,061 --> 01:08:28,188
If you're not the asshole,
you know an asshole,
1090
01:08:28,272 --> 01:08:30,190
and you need to spread this messaging.
1091
01:08:30,691 --> 01:08:32,693
[cheering and applause]
1092
01:08:35,028 --> 01:08:40,159
No more complaining. No more complaining
about how hard it is to be a white guy.
1093
01:08:40,242 --> 01:08:44,955
Do you understand how insulting that is?
"It's so hard to be a white guy now."
1094
01:08:45,038 --> 01:08:49,751
We just won the right to do what we want
with our bodies 50 years ago,
1095
01:08:49,835 --> 01:08:52,546
and it's being taken away from us today.
1096
01:08:52,629 --> 01:08:54,631
[cheering and applause]
1097
01:08:57,593 --> 01:09:00,512
So don't call us hysterical.
We're not hysterical.
1098
01:09:00,596 --> 01:09:02,014
Okay? We're not hysterical.
1099
01:09:02,097 --> 01:09:05,809
Your opinions on racism and sexism
are irrelevant.
1100
01:09:05,893 --> 01:09:08,478
You're not the victims of that.
You're the perpetrators.
1101
01:09:08,979 --> 01:09:10,981
[cheering and applause]
1102
01:09:16,653 --> 01:09:20,157
I was in Whistler
three and a half, four months maybe.
1103
01:09:20,240 --> 01:09:21,325
I came home
1104
01:09:21,950 --> 01:09:22,784
and nine…
1105
01:09:22,868 --> 01:09:27,623
nine of my girlfriends
who were in heterosexual relationships
1106
01:09:28,207 --> 01:09:29,333
had transitioned
1107
01:09:29,416 --> 01:09:32,085
into full-time pussy pounders.
1108
01:09:39,343 --> 01:09:41,637
Nine of my girlfriends.
1109
01:09:43,096 --> 01:09:45,265
There is a mass exodus
1110
01:09:46,725 --> 01:09:50,062
of adult onset lesbianism happening
1111
01:09:50,687 --> 01:09:53,649
as a direct result of men's behavior.
1112
01:09:57,027 --> 01:10:01,031
People who are not naturally gay
are contemplating becoming gay.
1113
01:10:02,115 --> 01:10:05,285
You are turning us against you
and towards beaver.
1114
01:10:07,871 --> 01:10:10,958
I called my sister from the moon,
and I said,
1115
01:10:12,042 --> 01:10:14,544
"Hey, you and I
might need to become a couple."
1116
01:10:16,296 --> 01:10:18,090
She said, "I don't want that."
1117
01:10:19,049 --> 01:10:20,550
I said, "Nor do I. Okay?"
1118
01:10:20,634 --> 01:10:22,719
"But pickings are getting pretty slim."
1119
01:10:23,929 --> 01:10:28,058
"So get yourself a pair of Birkenstocks
'cause we might be heading to Maine."
1120
01:10:28,141 --> 01:10:30,143
[cheering and applause]
1121
01:10:34,898 --> 01:10:37,442
That's how serious
the situation has gotten.
1122
01:10:37,526 --> 01:10:41,405
You are forcing me to contemplate
going down on my own sister.
1123
01:10:48,245 --> 01:10:50,706
And that's why I'm dating a Filipino man.
1124
01:10:50,789 --> 01:10:52,958
[cheering and applause]
1125
01:10:56,962 --> 01:11:00,173
Because no man has ever spoken to me
or treated me
1126
01:11:00,257 --> 01:11:02,926
the way that Jo Koy speaks to me
and treats me.
1127
01:11:03,010 --> 01:11:04,636
[cheering and applause]
1128
01:11:04,720 --> 01:11:05,721
I mean…
1129
01:11:06,596 --> 01:11:09,850
Some of the things he says to me,
I can't even believe he's for real.
1130
01:11:09,933 --> 01:11:11,143
I'm like, "What?"
1131
01:11:11,226 --> 01:11:14,104
We were on one of our first dates,
we were at a restaurant,
1132
01:11:14,187 --> 01:11:18,066
and the owner of the restaurant,
some big, fat idiot, comes to our table
1133
01:11:18,900 --> 01:11:22,029
and he goes, "Hey, I saw your name
on the reservation list, Chelsea."
1134
01:11:22,112 --> 01:11:25,115
"Not a big fan, but my wife is.
But she's my third wife."
1135
01:11:28,410 --> 01:11:30,954
I said, "Well, good luck
with your fourth wife, sir."
1136
01:11:34,958 --> 01:11:36,168
He walked away from the table
1137
01:11:36,251 --> 01:11:38,628
and Jo Koy goes,
"That just made my dick hard."
1138
01:11:40,380 --> 01:11:42,174
[cheering and applause]
1139
01:11:45,886 --> 01:11:50,849
My confidence and my inability
to take shit from anybody turns him on.
1140
01:11:50,932 --> 01:11:53,435
Instead of me
having to shrink my personality
1141
01:11:53,518 --> 01:11:55,270
to avoid emasculating a man,
1142
01:11:55,354 --> 01:11:57,564
he's fucking turned on by who I am.
1143
01:11:57,647 --> 01:12:00,025
[wild cheering]
1144
01:12:00,108 --> 01:12:02,569
You know how sexy that is? Uh!
1145
01:12:05,989 --> 01:12:09,326
We were in Hawaii for Thanksgiving,
and I put on a bikini,
1146
01:12:09,409 --> 01:12:12,496
and I said, "Honey, can you check out
my cellulite on the back of my ass?"
1147
01:12:12,579 --> 01:12:14,456
"Is it too bad?" He goes, "What?"
1148
01:12:14,539 --> 01:12:18,043
"Cellulite is what makes a woman a woman.
That's fucking hot."
1149
01:12:18,126 --> 01:12:20,128
[cheering and applause]
1150
01:12:23,256 --> 01:12:25,759
I was like, "That just made my dick hard."
1151
01:12:28,470 --> 01:12:30,430
I didn't even know that was a sentence.
1152
01:12:30,931 --> 01:12:34,810
I was like, "I have to write this down
so every woman can hear that sentence."
1153
01:12:34,893 --> 01:12:35,769
[audience member] Yes!
1154
01:12:35,852 --> 01:12:38,313
I'm a Jewish girl from New Jersey
1155
01:12:38,397 --> 01:12:41,358
who has never, ever liked giving blow jobs
1156
01:12:41,441 --> 01:12:43,652
because one guy from high school
1157
01:12:43,735 --> 01:12:47,572
ruined it for the rest of the guys
I was ever gonna have sex with.
1158
01:12:47,656 --> 01:12:50,450
His name is Daniel Lombardo.
1159
01:12:56,706 --> 01:12:59,918
L-O-M-B-A-R-D-O.
1160
01:13:05,882 --> 01:13:08,385
I tried to give him
my very first blow job.
1161
01:13:08,468 --> 01:13:13,014
You know how intimidating that is
for a 16-year-old girl, to go down on…
1162
01:13:13,098 --> 01:13:16,309
You don't even know what you're gonna do
when you get down there.
1163
01:13:17,018 --> 01:13:19,396
Like, "I guess I'll just whistle." [blows]
1164
01:13:26,862 --> 01:13:29,698
I tried to give
my very first blow job to Daniel,
1165
01:13:29,781 --> 01:13:31,408
and I put my head down there,
1166
01:13:31,491 --> 01:13:34,703
and then Daniel put his hand
on the back of my head.
1167
01:13:34,786 --> 01:13:37,873
-[outraged groans]
-And I got up and kicked him in the nuts.
1168
01:13:37,956 --> 01:13:39,958
[cheering and applause]
1169
01:13:44,129 --> 01:13:46,298
Now that I'm being seen and respected,
1170
01:13:46,381 --> 01:13:49,593
I take Jo Koy's hand
and put it on the back of my head
1171
01:13:49,676 --> 01:13:51,386
'cause I love blow jobs now.
1172
01:13:51,470 --> 01:13:53,472
I can't get enough of them.
1173
01:13:54,347 --> 01:13:56,766
Sometimes, I even put my Invisalign in.
1174
01:14:10,614 --> 01:14:12,991
The other night,
we were both performing in Missouri.
1175
01:14:13,074 --> 01:14:15,285
I was in Kansas City,
and he was in Springfield.
1176
01:14:15,368 --> 01:14:19,206
And we were two and a half hours away,
but we both had two nights of a show.
1177
01:14:19,289 --> 01:14:22,334
One night and then the next night.
That's what two nights means.
1178
01:14:27,714 --> 01:14:30,884
And he texted me after the first show.
"I'm coming to kiss you good night."
1179
01:14:30,967 --> 01:14:33,220
"I can't be this close to you
and not kiss you good night."
1180
01:14:33,303 --> 01:14:34,137
[audience] Awww!
1181
01:14:34,221 --> 01:14:37,599
He drove two and a half hours there
and two and a half hours back.
1182
01:14:37,682 --> 01:14:38,683
[audience] Awww!
1183
01:14:38,767 --> 01:14:40,852
I would never do that for anyone.
1184
01:14:47,734 --> 01:14:49,861
We were in New York City the other night.
We got home,
1185
01:14:49,945 --> 01:14:52,113
and I was like,
"Oh shit, I forgot to get tampons."
1186
01:14:52,197 --> 01:14:54,407
He goes, "Honey, sit down.
I'll get your tampons for you."
1187
01:14:54,491 --> 01:14:56,785
I go, "Absolutely not.
It's 2:30 in the morning."
1188
01:14:56,868 --> 01:14:59,579
"It's New York City.
It's not safe. I'll go with you."
1189
01:15:02,666 --> 01:15:04,251
And he looked at me, sat me down.
1190
01:15:04,334 --> 01:15:06,795
He goes, "You've been buying tampons
your entire life."
1191
01:15:06,878 --> 01:15:08,964
"I'm gonna buy your tampons from now on."
1192
01:15:10,423 --> 01:15:12,425
[cheering and applause]
1193
01:15:16,888 --> 01:15:18,974
That made me wanna do anal.
1194
01:15:26,022 --> 01:15:28,942
Okay? So just start
sprinkling that bullshit around, guys.
1195
01:15:29,025 --> 01:15:32,571
I'm gonna write a handbook for men
called The Filipino In Me.
1196
01:15:35,448 --> 01:15:37,993
Just start saying that shit to us.
You don't have to believe it.
1197
01:15:38,076 --> 01:15:40,036
Just start saying it
and you'll start believing it.
1198
01:15:40,120 --> 01:15:42,205
But more important,
we'll start hearing it.
1199
01:15:42,289 --> 01:15:45,667
We need to hear that stuff.
We need to hear that cellulite is sexy.
1200
01:15:45,750 --> 01:15:47,752
[cheering and applause]
1201
01:15:49,421 --> 01:15:52,716
And if you're sitting in this audience
and you haven't found your person yet,
1202
01:15:52,799 --> 01:15:54,718
please do not ever lower your standards
1203
01:15:54,801 --> 01:15:56,970
or panic because you think
you're getting too old.
1204
01:15:57,053 --> 01:15:58,346
Your person is coming,
1205
01:15:58,430 --> 01:16:01,224
and they're not wearing flip-flops
and a captain's hat.
1206
01:16:01,725 --> 01:16:03,727
[cheering and applause]
1207
01:16:07,147 --> 01:16:10,692
I said to him…
I go, "I love you to the moon and back."
1208
01:16:12,819 --> 01:16:16,239
He said, "Honey, you don't even know
where the fucking moon is."
1209
01:16:16,740 --> 01:16:20,410
Thank you, Nashville! Thank you so much!
1210
01:16:20,493 --> 01:16:22,579
[cheering]
1211
01:16:22,662 --> 01:16:24,331
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
1212
01:16:24,414 --> 01:16:26,666
[indistinct speech]
1213
01:16:26,750 --> 01:16:28,209
Thanks, guys!
1214
01:16:29,336 --> 01:16:30,378
Thank you!
1215
01:16:31,296 --> 01:16:33,089
Hello. Hi.
1216
01:16:33,923 --> 01:16:34,883
Thank you.
1217
01:16:35,675 --> 01:16:36,760
Thank you.
1218
01:16:36,843 --> 01:16:38,845
[cheering]
1219
01:16:41,139 --> 01:16:44,059
Thank you, Nashville!
This was fucking awesome.
1220
01:16:44,142 --> 01:16:46,019
[cheering]