♪
(Bria moaning)
- Oh, my God, Trevor.
Yeah!
(moaning)
Oh, my God! Yeah! (Marie): Woo!
(Bria and Marie both continue moaning)
(Marie): Yes! Woo!
Hot Roddy!
(phone clicks on)
- Fuck it.
- Ew! You're looking for dick now?
You and your mom just came at the same time! Ew!
- Okay, well, I just forgot until you mentioned it, thank you.
- You're welcome! - God, it's just reliable dick.
What's the problem? - No, no!
The problem is that Omar is a huge fuck boy
and we said no to fuck boys!
- Okay, we said no to dating fuck boys,
but I just wanna fuck a fuck boy!
(grunting)
No! No!
(whistle toots) - Shit!
- No! No!
(hammer clangs)
- Okay, but he's not that bad, you know?
Plus, he has amazing forearms
and you know I'm a sucker for a good forearm.
- Ugh! Girl, may I remind you
what he said the last time we hung out?
(Black Attack): So, what's good?
Oh yeah, um, you got cash on you for the pizza?
The sex is on me.
Mmm. (sucks lips)
(Bria): Okay, okay, you're not wrong,
you're not wrong, but girl,
meeting new people is just so much work, you know?
Look, I just wanna have easy sex, okay?
I want my legs beside my ears and I want a gold chain
dangling in front of my face, and I want it now!
- Look, I'm all for you gettin' flipped and folded
like a flapjack, but you don't need Omar Green's community dick!
Come on! You're a grown woman now,
you got your grown woman shit, got a new job,
you got new money, and you need new dick.
Period. - Okay, you know, true, true.
- Look, all I'm saying is that there's good dick out there and you can get it.
You just need to step your pussy up. All right?
(chains clinking)
(grunts)
(clanking)
So, until then, you're wearing this.
(panting)
- What the fuck?
(breathing heavily)
Is this really necessary?
- Bri, you know it is.
Welcometh everyone. (crowd cheering)
I'm thy host, Black Attack and this is...
(all): Pitch Ye Dick!
- The game is simple.
Our melanated maiden, Bria,
here, doth search-eth for a knight to rest his sword in her flesh sheath.
Sorry, I may have overcommitted to the theme. Okay.
We're looking for a knight with the right key
to unlock that belt.
Thou must be well groomed, respectable.
And a feminist.
(cheering) Shall we?
Contestant #1.
(all): Pitch Ye Dick!
- Oh, ah, ah, ah, no, no, let's give the people what they want.
(crowd): Yeah, we want the dick! (Black Attack): Lower.
- Show us the dick! Give us the dick.
- Lower. (cheering)
- Closer.
Closer.
Yep, oh, ah, that's it.
All right, Contestant #1... (clears throat)
He says, oh, his dick doesn't see no colour.
In fact, it's been known to conquer many a wenches
of the sun-drenched complexion.
(crowd): No, no, no!
- Sorry, there'll be no room
for problematic peen in this queendom.
- Next! (buzzer honks)
Contestant #2!
(crowd exclaiming)
Ooh, it's all about the girth with him.
He says he has more in common
with his horse than ye might think!
(man): Neigh!
(woman): Doth he want her dead?
That's simply too much! (Bria panting)
- Ah, and thy lords know that sometimes
an extra large jousting stick can be quite useless in combat.
If thy know what I mean.
Next! (buzzer honks)
All right, our Contestant #3.
(crowd cheers)
He says while his dick is more than adequate,
he's also an accomplished composer.
(chuckling) Okay.
And he believes that all women
are destined for more than just wifery and childbearing.
And... says he has the fairest forearms in all the land.
- Tell me more, forearms!
- I'd rather show you.
(crowd exclaiming)
(retching)
- All right, all right, all right. Enough.
Now, maiden-- - Easy pick for me!
Contestant #3!
(crowd cheers) - Jesus Christ, Bria.
- Omar?! - What's up, Bria.
Mmmm. (buzzer honks)
- Nay, nay, that was a test and ye failed.
- Why doth thou protest? What if it's meant to be?
Look at him! - No! No dick for thee.
And that chastity belt is staying put.
(belt clangs) (Black Attack): Like Fort Knox.
- Hot Roddy, don't forget, we still have to fix that sink.
Open house is next week.
- Don't worry, chérie Marie, amour, I got you, eh?
You look so beautiful this morning.
- Why thank you. - Can I get a kiss?
(Bria clears throat) - Next think you know it's...
- Good morning, Bria! - Look who finally wake.
(Rodrigo): Yes. - Late start now, Bria.
- Yes, Mother. My plan was to be up bright and early,
but there was a terrible racket at 1:30 a.m.
that pierced my slumber like daggers in my ears.
(tense music)
(Rodrigo slurps coffee) - Hmm.
Uh, Bria. (chuckling)
S-s-so... - Mm-hmm?
- About last night. - Mm-hmm.
- We didn't think you were up.
- Well, I was up, Rodrigo. - Mm-hmm.
- 'Cause I live here. - Yeah.
- And I have ears. - Yeah.
- And until you two ship off to Florida,
I'm still a member of this household,
who's a light sleeper.
- Hmm. - With ears.
- Okay, yes, you have clean ears.
Okay, we will, we will keep that in mind.
- Great! (Rodrigo): Yeah.
- Did you shave your moustache?
- Yes, I did! Yes! - Why?
(Marie): Um... (stuttering, mumbling)
It no really, it no really suit you.
Put it back on. - It makes me look younger.
Hello, handsome fellow.
Yeah, I totally look younger.
(coffee splatters) - Shit.
(indistinct chatter)
(phone chiming)
(tense music)
(Black Attack pops in)
- Who in the Black excellence are they?
- Girl, I have no idea, but I'm gonna find out.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Okay, let's get to business.
First of all, I am happy to say
that my world famous jerk chicken is back!
Yes! (hands clapping, laughing)
Okay, well, don't all rush at once.
It's okay. It's all good. It's all good.
Just means there's gonna be lots left for me
and our newest member, Bria McFarlane. Welcome, Bria!
(chuckles nervously) - Hi.
(whooping) (clapping)
(Allan): Okay, Bria, let me give you the lay of the land.
In the past, Smith & Tanner's approach to various movements
of the time was to start a dedicated committee.
Well, it started with equal pay back in the '80s.
- Yeah.
- And then, there was the climate change committee.
And then the LGBTQIA2S+ committee.
(clapping) Yes, yes.
Well, just too many committees. Too many groups.
So, when I was hired as the new Chief Marketing Officer,
I proposed that we pool our efforts and come together
as one big group known as the change committee!
(imitates sound of trumpet)
(clapping) (chuckling)
(Allan): Which brings us to today.
Where, as a response to the racial reckoning
and the new debit card rollout fiasco.
- Which I still don't understand, I'm sorry.
We have always had a white debit card.
- Yeah. Not the point, Frank.
As I was saying, I wanna open up the floor
to hear what we can do to appeal to our Black clientele
and how we can better support our staff.
Any ideas?
(silence)
(tense music)
- So, hold up, you're supposed to be giving ideas
on behalf of all Black people?
Bitch, you are not Barack.
- Right? - Yeah.
- Damn.
You know, I think we just need more perspectives involved.
- She's right. She's right.
This shouldn't be all on you. - Yeah.
- Okay, think Frank, think.
Uh, bingo bango, let's have a cookout.
Hot dogs, hamburgers. A three-legged race.
- Frank, I uh, yeah, I think she meant
more perspectives from the Black community.
- Oh. Well, we could check with Black Twitter.
I don't have his handle.
- Uh, sorry I'm late, everyone,
I forgot we moved these meetings to the accounting floor.
(Allan clears throat)
(tense music)
(Black Attack): Two women of colour spot each other
in the white people wilderness for the first time.
Will they join forces bonding over melanin and micro aggressions,
or is there only room for one diversity hire
in the corporate hallows of Smith & Tanner?
(Frank): Happy Diwali, Ami.
- I'm not Hindu, Frank.
- Well, I'm gonna make a note of that.
Oh.
Ooh.
(tense music)
(alert chimes)
(Bria): Perfect timing.
I wonder if that's where those people work?
- Yo, yo, yo, somebody order a monitor?
- Only way to be the true data entry maverick I am.
(chuckles) - You are funny.
- Hmm. - Can I jump on that real quick?
- Yeah, yeah. Have at it.
- Uh, you have a power bar, great.
- Yeah. - So, I'm gonna need to get
under the desk to get this all set up.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
(grunts) - Down we go. Okay.
- Trevor, it's 2023,
you can't just keep flaunting the goods like this in front of women anymore.
(Trevor chuckles) - You know, if feminism
has taught me anything, Bria. - Mm-hmm.
- It's that this moment right here has nothing to do
with how I'm flaunting my ass, and everything to do
with how you're looking at it. And I think you like what you see.
Can you grab that cable here, please?
- Yeah! Yeah. I mean, one could interpret it that way.
(chuckling)
(Dawn): Bonjour, Bria!
- Oh, hi, Dawn. - How's it going?
- You scared me there. Yeah, no, everything's good.
I'm just getting set up with some state-of-the-art hardware here.
- Oh, these computers are hardly state of the art, dear.
- Yeah, no, I-I was just making a joke.
Um. (chuckling)
Once Trevor's done with this Costanza nap here,
I'm gonna get back to work.
I was joking by the way about...
- Right, funny. Yes.
I just wanted to check in on the...
the end of quarter report I asked you to work on?
- Yeah, isn't that due next Friday?
- Yes, it is, but you know how it is,
I always like a little, uh,
what's the name in English, uh...
En tout cas, ces jeunes-là,
ça se plaint des conditions de travail,
mais ça travaille pas. Efficacy.
(hubbub) (sighing)
- Thank you for gathering.
It is with deep regret that after an extensive 10-day,
nationwide search, my client is unable to find
a single fuck to give about the assigned work at hand
or arbitrary company policy.
That's the only update we have on this matter.
There'll be no further questions at this time.
(reporter): Hey Bria, do you have any advice
for other Black females with no fucks to give?
- I got it. - You got it?
- I got it. Yeah.
- Yep. - Yeah.
Just don't wear it on your fucking face.
(crowd exclaims)
(Dawn): Bria, everything okay? - Yeah, no.
Yeah, everything's oui, good.
- Good. Bon.
Bien, fait que... I leave you.
Get back to it. - Okay.
- Remember, vendredi!
- Vendredi!
(chuckling) Okay.
(Trevor): And voila!
You got a monitor. - Wow! Thanks, I appreciate it.
- Yeah, don't sweat it.
Sounds like you have a lot on your plate already
with miss "due next Friday, but I like efficiency"!
(laughing) - Okay.
- I told you, if there's a reason for Dawn
to be on your ass, she's gonna find it.
Ooh, joining the cool kids in marketing, are we?
Looking to move up to the 16th floor?
- Yeah, you know, I-I just may apply for it.
- Well, they are pretty exclusive,
so it'll be hard to get in there.
Plus STI's paying out the ass for them as well.
- STI...
- You don't, the... Smith Tanner Investments, STI.
- Okay, marketing geniuses.
- Right? (chuckles)
Anyway, computer malfunctions await.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah. - Welcome to the office.
And uh, enjoy that monitor.
- Thanks. I will.
(cart rattles)
(knocks on door) - Mm, Bria, right?
- Ami, right? - Oh my gosh, hi! Take a seat.
- Yeah. - Good to see you.
- Thank you. - Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
- So, you are the Bria that got
the accounting department on Slack, huh?
How is Cheryl taking it? - Not well. Not well.
But everyone else loves it. - Mm-hmm.
- You know, I actually came by to talk to you
about that marketing coordinator position you sent out earlier.
- Oh yeah. - You know, I just feel like
it's more my speed. - Mm-hmm.
- But I feel like because I haven't really
been here that long, it might be too early to jump ship.
- Well, you're not wrong about that.
I mean, internal transfers usually take a year
to be approved, but I'm guessing you have no real desire
to remain in the accounting department.
- Basically, I mean, maybe there's a way I can like,
circumvent the red tape. - Well, bold of you for only
being here for three weeks and already wanting to bend the rules.
But lucky for you, that team is desperate.
They just brought in this team run by this woman, Sharon.
She's so badass.
But there is a lot of drama with the rebrand though,
so there's gonna be a lot of eyes on that department.
Do you think you can handle it? - Oh, yeah!
No, it's fine. I'm not worried at all.
I just wanna make sure that I have a chance.
- Wow! Watch out! Confidence.
(laughing) Not mad at it.
Okay, so it's Allan's baby,
so impress him, then you have a real chance.
- Okay. Okay, so impress Allan.
Copy that. - Yeah.
- Copy that.
So, that's Allan's jerk chicken, huh?
- Okay, honestly, you just need to try it.
- Okay.
Girl, it's seasoned! - I know, right!
- Damn! - His husband's Jamaican.
- Hmm, that makes sense.
- Yeah, it does make sense.
It's tasty, though. - It-it is.
- Yeah. - Damn.
(Bria's phone chimes)
(spaghetti squelches)
(mouse clicks) - Trevor, you're gonna have
to give me permission to check you out or I will call HR myself.
- Um, permission granted indefinitely.
- Ooh! - How's the monitor?
I save the good ones for cute girls only, you know.
(clicks tongue) - Um, yeah, I-I just wanted
to say thank you for the insider info earlier.
Um... and I was wondering
if maybe you'd wanna hang out tonight?
- Yes. Yeah, did you wanna grab something to eat?
- Oh, I didn't mean like a date.
I meant like... like hang out, like...
- Oh! - You know.
- You're trying to get some. - Shut up.
- Okay. - We're adults, right?
- Yeah. - There's no need
for pussyfooting around. - Agreed, yeah.
No, I'm definitely down for that.
Not the pussyfooting, the other thing.
- Got it. - Although...
Nope, that was a joke. - Okay.
- Bad joke. Did you wanna do your place or mine?
- Good question. Good question.
Um, you know what? Let me get back to you on that.
- Cool. - 'K.
I will catch you later. - Sounds good.
- Bye. - I'll see ya around.
- 'K. (both screaming)
- He's so cute. - I know! He's so cute!
- He's so fly. - So, his place or mine?
- Yo, your place. Always fuck on home turf.
- Okay, but I haven't cleaned my room yet.
- Right. But if you go to his, he could murder you.
- Okay, highly unlikely.
- Ah, ah, ah, yo, remember that girl who ended up
in the hospital 'cause her date fed her Bolognese
with traces of his ex-girlfriend's remains in it?
(both): And she had to testify in court! Right!
- Fuck, okay, I forgot about that.
Uh, okay, I'll tell him to come to mine.
That way I can kick him out when it's done.
- Boom! Yo, home court advantage.
What! We gettin' laid!
Yo girl, what's wrong?
Is it the pink dick thing? Come on, you'll be fine.
Look, there is a rainbow of earthly delights out there
that I think we are meant to explore.
- No, that's not it. It's just that...
Yo, we work together, you know, that's kind of awkward, no?
- No! Coworkers hook up all the time
and it's not like he's your boss.
- Okay, sure, but like, what if he tells people?
- Oh, he better not. - And now that you mention it,
I actually haven't had sex with a white guy before.
- Ooh. - You know, okay, fuck it.
I'm overthinking it. Let's just do it.
- Let's do it! - Let's do it!
(exclaiming) - You gettin' some.
- I'm gettin' some... - You getting' some.
- Pink... dick. (both): Ha!
Pink... dick... pink...
- Hey! - Dick!
(Bria): Hello, Mother.
- Oh, yes, Bria, we need to talk.
- Yes, yes. I actually wanted to talk to you, too.
Um, can we come to some sort of understanding
about what we should do if either of us are home while the other person is home,
in the way that you were home with Rodrigo last night?
I mean, some people put scarves on doors.
- No, no, no, no, Bria. Mi a big woman,
me nah put no scarf on no door for me to make you know a say ah dooks me ah have sex.
Mi is a big woman, I'm not one of your likkle friend dem.
However, how about we play a likkle music like Queen Bey Bey?
- Not what we call her. But you know what, if you wanna play music, I'll take it.
FYI, I will be home tonight.
- Oh! Oh.
So, who is the guy or the girl or the somebody?
- It's a guy, mother. - Oh. Oh!
O-okay. You know, feel free to explore
'cause sexual exploration is healthy for the body.
And before I met Hot Roddy...
- Okay, please don't call him that to me, Mom.
- Okay. Listen...
When I was with your father,
nothing exciting happened to my vagina
except giving birth to you.
And although I love you like cooked food.
I love you like stew peas. Your head was so big,
it felt like I was shooting out a cannon.
And guess what? You ripped me,
I swear you did, from yahso to dehso.
- It's all good now, though.
Yeah, looks like, very good.
Very good, yeah.
(leaves rustle)
(Marie): Oh, Roddy. (chuckles)
Oh Bria, you're really going to have company with your room stay suh?
(Trevor and Bria panting)
(laughing)
- Wow. (chuckling)
- Well, this seems like it could be a pretty promising arrangement.
- Yeah. - Is it cool if we keep it
on the low, though 'cause people do not need to know at work.
- Of course, yeah. Sure thing.
- You know, speaking of work, I submitted my application
for the transfer and I feel pretty good about it.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
(sighs)
- Don't get your hopes up, though.
I've been there for like, four years
and still never gotten a transfer.
- I mean, have you ever even applied to one?
Or are you just saying that because your white privilege
hasn't automatically gotten you one for your years of service?
- Yeah, but I mean... (sighing)
You and that marketing department,
you sure you'd fit in?
(rap music playing)
- Wait, what do you mean by fit?
- I don't know, they're kinda standoffish.
All they care about are their retro Jordans and Ivy Park,
and all that dumb capitalist shit.
Whereas you, I know we just met,
but I feel like you're different.
Not so uppity. A lot more approachable.
Anyways, I think you're gonna get it.
(sighing)
(ominous music)
- Bria!
(gasps)
(Trevor): Um, have you seen my shirt?
- What in the Jordan Peele? - Ah, found it.
Come on, Bria, I didn't mean it like that.
I was just being honest. (door slams)
Oh, come on, Bria!
Bria, come on! Hey, I'm sorry!
I didn't mean it like that.
(upbeat Latin music plays)
(Rodrigo and Marie giggling)
- I thought you might wanna talk about what happened with Trevor.
Unpack a bit, you know?
Because based on my analysis... (Marie whooping)
...it-it's looking like his caucasity is incurable.
And, you know, maybe just knowing
what the word feminism is might not be the great bench marker
we once thought it was.
- Yep, that's how Omar got me too.
- Exactly. A-and there were a couple of what I like to call
red fuck boy flags that we ignored with Trevor.
(Marie whooping) You don't recall?
That's okay. But I think it has something to do
with this forearm fetish of yours.
Have you considered what that's all about?
(Marie): Ready for round two, Roddy?
(Rodrigo): Oh, ready, Mami baby.
(Marie whooping)
(Rodrigo grunting)
- Please, girl, she's faking.
(upbeat music)