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**
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,
I need you to make some noise for the hometown hero.
Give it up for Sean Patton!
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
Hello, everyone. How are you?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you very much for being here...on a -- on a Thursday...
[ Laughter ]
...during another torrential downpour.
I love you all dearly.
Thank you for coming.
Before we get started,
this -- just so I get to know you a little bit,
how many of you, by round of applause,
have ever had an anxiety attack whilst high?
[ Cheers and applause ]
On marijuana specifically.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Okay.
I feel like other substances are designed to freak you out.
Weed's supposed to mellow you out,
so when you have --
if you've never had an anxiety attack whilst high,
imagine something terrible,
and then make it unexpectedly worse.
[ Laughter ]
So it's like -- it's like being bitten by a snake,
which already sucks.
You're already like, "Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, no."
And then as the snake slithers away,
it hisses the name of your ex.
[ Laughter ]
"S-S-Samantha." Like...[ Groans ]
[ Laughter ]
"Fuck you, snake! Did she send you?!
Tell her I died in another woman's arms.
And tell her that woman begged you to bite her, as well,
so she can join me in the afterlife.
But -- But then tell her that I stopped you from biting her
and let you bite me some more
'cause I wanted you to live your best life.
Tell her I'm not selfish!
Tell her I'm not selfish!"
[ Laughter ]
I am so fucking bad at smoking weed.
I want to be great at it.
I want to be a great stoner. It's all I've ever wanted.
I've tried for 25 years to be great at smoking weed.
I'm terrible at it because I have OCD, right?
In my experience, you cannot mix OCD with THC.
OCD, it's a disorder -- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, we all know,
stands for Tetra Hydro Can I get an eighth? Right?
[ Laughter ]
In my experience, when you mix the two,
you get an entirely new acronym, COCDTH.
[ Laughter ]
C-O-C-D-T-H --
stands for "constantly overanalyzing
certain deviant traits of humanity."
That's what happens to me, okay?
[ Laughter ]
If you know -- If you also have OCD,
and statistically speaking, 30% of you do.
So...you know our brains are like neverending parades
of intrusive thought.
It never ends.
Can be anything from, "Throw shit at that baby!
Throw shit at that baby!"
to, "Join the Marines!
Do it right now."
[ Laughter ]
Those were today!
I didn't act on them.
I didn't -- I did not do those things.
I didn't howler monkey a baby
and then join the Corps to avoid prosecution.
[ Laughter ]
But I thought it.
And those are mild,
mild examples of intrusive though-- PG examples.
Right? Like -- And I know, I know, I know.
All thoughts are intrusive, right?
They just pop into your head, but -- but a non-OCD brain
can scare away the twisted ones with logic and whatnot.
Not -- An OCD brain invites those thoughts
to squat for a while in your cerebrum
and sets up a glory hole in our frontal lobe
for other perverted thoughts, right?
[ Laughter ]
I -- And I keep doing it!
I keep smoking weed.
I just --
I shouldn't, but I keep doing it.
There's a reason behind it, but it's hard.
Like -- But first of all, here's the thing.
Here's something you got to know about me before we go on here.
I piss like this.
[ Laughter ]
You have to know this.
Everywhere I piss, I'm pissing like this.
For 20-something years now, I piss like this...
because I spend all day, every day thinking about
what makes strangers laugh, right?
I need one for me, too, and this --
this one's for me.
[ Laughter ]
I find this hilarious.
[ Laughter ]
You can't be mad at the world...
when you're pissing in this stance...
like a coach...
like a P.E. coach,
like a P-E-E coach, like a pee coach.
You can't be mad.
[ Laughter ]
See?
Because even, like, even when I'm not high,
just normally, I am in my head constantly,
digging up things to stress out about.
"Oh, my God, my album sucks. I haven't even released it yet.
Jesus Christ, is COVID my fault?
I did go to China that one time, and I did it bat.
Did I bring it back? Is this all my fault?
Did I vote for Kanye?
I can't remember. I was drunk when I voted.
Probably shouldn't vote drunk.
Did I sell my soul to the Disney corporation?
I can't prove I didn't.
I can't prove I'm not owned by the Disney corporation.
My soul is just a corporate whore. I'm just...
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
You can't take the world seriously
when you got to bunny-hop shake!
Hey.
And so, being from here, here's --
So New Orleans, Louisiana...
where we are, in case you forgot.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Okay.
It's a fantastic city
that people travel to from around the world...
to piss all over.
[ Laughter ]
It's -- It's kind of fucking annoying,
but I don't know, I mean, New Orleans is a kinky town.
Maybe it's into it. I don't know.
If corporations can be considered people,
you know, I guess a municipality could be into golden showers.
[ Laughter ]
It's a very -- Like, it's world-famous.
Make no mistake about it. Like, people know it fr--
You know, they know this city for its culture in general --
the music, the food, right?
The nightlife, the -- the festivals,
the ghosts, the architecture.
Its -- Its inability to evacuate its citizens on time
in the face of a Category 4 1/2 storm.
[ Laughter ]
Very famous for that, as well...
but also, the resiliency to stay put and rebuild
when the Bush administration was like,
"What, they want help?
Did they vote for us?" [ Chuckles ]
And we were just like pbht!
And rebuilt and here it is,
one of the few cultural meccas left in this country.
It's a fantastic place, right?
[ Cheers and applause ]
And it's not just drunkards.
I've seen all kinds of people here --
Bible thumpers...
holy rollers...
scripture peddlers...
proverb slingers...
Jesus dealers.
For what drug is more addictive than He upon high?
[ Laughter ]
Oh, they love New Orleans.
I love seeing those fucking -- go get 'em!
See them out there with their matching t-shirts
with whatever scripture they're slinging that week --
"Jebediah 13:69."
[ Laughter ]
They all got their matching signs like,
"Repent! Repent or burn in Hell!"
Which I think those signs only make people want to go harder.
Like, no one wants to be saved whilst they are sinning.
[ Laughter ]
You got to get to them just before or just after.
In the moment, the reminder of what they're doing
just makes them want to double down, I think.
Like, I bet there's a guy who was just out
for a couple of beers with friends
and then saw all these signs about going to Hell
and was like, "Fuck it. Fuck it.
I'm-a cheat on my wife first. Gonna do that.
I'm-a Google the Ten Commandments
and break them all tonight!
I don't give a shit!
If I'm going to Hell,
I want to arrive in a chariot, boy!"
[ Laughter ]
I -- They always have a cross.
I love when they set up the giant cross
in the middle of the street.
I am disappointed that it's not a crucifix,
which means someone would have to be nailed to it,
and if they were true believers, they'd nail one of them to it.
I would love to see it.
That would be insane...
but I would respect it... if that was their tactic,
they were out on the streets like,
"Jesus died for your sins, just like Stuart is right now."
[ Laughter ]
"Stuart, tell the people how much pain you're in.
Tell them. Preach to the people, Stuart.
Tell them what it's like saving their souls.
Tell them the word of the -- Stu.
Hey, Stu.
Hey.
Okay, shit, he bled out.
He bled out.
Now you need to meet Jesus personally,
you lucky son of a gun!
That ain't a martyr!
The Lord took him!"
[ Laughter ]
Y'all felt that, too?
See?
Even here, even here on a Thursday during Carnival,
you bring up Jesus...
I felt it from a few of you...
a collective puckering of the ani.
[ Laughter ]
Come on, now. What y'all scared about, babies?
Come on, now. Y'all got to trust Uncle Sean.
I ain't gonna tell you no --
I ain't about to bash Jesus Christ.
No, no, no. Unh-unh.
Unpucker those collective ani.
[ Laughter ]
Come on.
[ Laughter ]
I'm a very spiritual person.
Okay?
On June 17, 2021...
I'm very good with dates.
I was back home here visiting.
It was my first time home
since this whole COVID situation kicked off.
I'm visiting. I'm out at bars with friends.
I leave this one bar.
I'm crossing Bourbon Street, and there they are,
the Jesus lovers in full regalia.
They're back, and the leader has a megaphone
and he's repeating this phrase.
He's going, "Jesus loves you!
But I love Jesus!
Jesus loves you, but I love Jesus.
Jesus loves you!"
And then he stops and looks me directly in the eyes.
I was just standing there 10 feet away,
giggling like a lunatic...
because I had thought of a response,
and his silence invited me... to respond.
So I simply shouted back, "Then you should marry him!"
[ Laughter ]
See? I wasn't being a dickhead.
That was just -- That was just a playful little jab.
Also a veiled shot
at the Catholic Church's stance on gay marriage,
specifically in the South.
According to them,
that guy couldn't marry Jesus even if he wanted to.
And that's fucked up because they're in love.
[ Laughter ]
Telling me that's not love?
You heard how much pain he was in,
having to share Jesus with the rest of us.
[ Voice breaking ] "Jesus loves you, but I love Jesus."
[ Laughter ]
And as me and this gentleman
are just having this momentary awkward stare down,
what happens next
is why I will forever believe in a higher power,
because it was just too good to be random.
Right then and there, this woman comes stumbling...
out of a bar,
out of Johnny White's Saloon, just to give you some --
just to give you coordinates, right?
She comes stumbling out, just hammered,
as if shoved out by the hand of something divine.
[ Laughter ]
Or a bouncer, we'll never know. but...
So hammered on the streets now, in high heels.
The perfect drinking shoe, ladies.
[ Laughter ]
Right?
She's looking like a Bourbon Street gazelle.
[ Laughter ]
Like a rosé raptor.
[ Laughter ]
And she stares at this cross for a few seconds
and then very loudly goes, "I would completely fuck Jesus!"
[ Laughter ]
And then stumbled on, and I laughed.
I laughed a hearty, hearty laugh
because I'd never heard it phrased that way before.
How do you completely fuck someone?
[ Laughter ]
You make them come 10 times and then steal their identity?
[ Laughter ]
Does Jesus even have a credit score?
If so, would you want it? It's probably not that good.
He didn't come back when he said he was gonna.
It's probably just average, like 666, you know?
[ Laughter ]
I laughed at those words,
but those Jesus lovers were mortified!
They reacted to her like what she actually said was,
[ Shouting in foreign language ]
[ Growls ]
[ Laughter ]
For she had lusted over the body of Jesus Christ!
She lusted over the body of our savior, but where --
where does it say that you could not bang Jesus Christ?
[ Laughter, applause ]
Where in the good book is it written
that thou shall not bestow our Lord and Savior
with a healthy serving of some ass?
[ Laughter ]
He died for us and came back!
I know people who have put out over far less than that.
[ Laughter, applause ]
I know people who have fucked 'cause there was an Uber surge.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you.
Don't know if the mics picked that up, but that was a snort.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you.
Every time an audience member snorts,
a comedian gets a wish, so...
Thank you.
[ Laughter ]
It's Jesus I'm talking about.
Everyone here would sleep with Jesus Christ.
Need I remind -- Remember, Jesus.
I'm not talking about Steve Bannon.
I'm talking about...Jesus.
[ Laughter ]
We don't focus on the specs enough.
He was probably like 6 foot 3, 170 pounds,
all muscle, built like an Olympic swimmer,
for Christ's sake -- for his sake.
[ Laughter ]
Limber, athletic.
You know Jesus Christ was athletic.
And I don't want to offend anyone.
I'm not just saying that 'cause he was black.
He was also the Son of God.
That helps.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Exactly!
Exactly, you heathens!
You'd bang the shit out --
If Jesus had come back to New Orleans...
and was like, "Let's not do this rapture thing.
I want to just live for a few decades,"
moved here to -- move to the Marigny or the Bywater
or whatever the Brooklyn of New Orleans is now.
Right? Opened up a Krav Maga studio.
[ Laughter ]
And, like, a pourover coffee shop
and, like, a shuffleboard bar, you know?
He's already got that good Dr. John beard, you know?
That good beard.
Pulls his hair back in a man bun or cornrows, whatever, right?
And...see him rocking a full Lululemon outfit,
just walking -- walking his Shiba Inu pitbull mix.
[ Laughter ]
Off-leash? Duh.
[ Laughter ]
People are running up to pet it, like, "Is this a rescue?"
"No, no, no. He's a resurrect."
[ Laughter ]
"Say hi, Lazarus. Say hi."
[ Laughter ]
What?
Jesus would be laying more pipe than Local 188, baby!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Greenpeace would have to set up shop here
to protest all that drilling.
[ Laughter ]
I live in Brooklyn now.
Now, Brooklyn, in case you didn't know,
is the number-one place in the world to raise a kid...
based on how many kids I see being raised there.
[ Laughter ]
It's a lot.
There's a coffee shop I go to quite a bit
in my neighborhood of Crown Heights, Brooklyn, right?
I go in there one day, and there's a cool dad,
cool as shit, you know, very, very rugged motif, huh?
Clearly, he had handled an axe before
while throwing it at a target in a bar...
where they were doing a corporate teambuilding exercise.
And I bet he even picked up the tab, right?
You could tell.
He was just like, "Yeah, I'm a man."
[ Laughter ]
And he's trying to be cool
whilst also disciplining his kid,
who is maybe 5 years old, maybe, right?
So this dude's all,
"Mason? Mason? Mason? Mason? Mason?"
[ Laughter ]
And you could tell he noticed then that people were watching,
so the question mark becomes a period, right?
"Mason. Mason. Mason. Mason?"
I know, by the way, Mason, right?
I know. Strong name.
You think of George Mason or Stone Masons.
I guarantee you this fucking guy named him after the jar.
100%.
He likes drinking sour IPA out of them so much,
named his kid after one.
Kid's middle name is probably Brita.
[ Laughter ]
"Mason."
And Mason was the coolest fucking kid I have ever seen.
He did not give a shit.
He earned my respect forever with one move.
He walked over to a table and closed a laptop
while the guy was on the laptop!
[ Laughter ]
It's the most hardcore shit I've ever seen.
So this dude was there just typing away
in a coffee shop in Brooklyn,
so no doubt authoring the next great Vulture article...
taking down the patriarchy from within...
and then one of its youngest members comes over
and just shatters everything about it.
Like, jellyfishes him right there on the spot,
'cause he has to move his hands away
so Mason could slam the shit,
and then this adult just sat there like he was in trouble.
[ Laughter ]
And Mason just stared back at his dad like this.
[ Laughter ]
Just cold as ice.
Like, he might as well have been like...
[ Laughter ]
"The fuck you gonna do, Gregory?"
[ Laughter ]
"I'll call you Dad when you earn it!"
[ Laughter ]
And the dad tried to flex.
He like, "One...two...three."
And Mason's response to three was
just to start swaying, just like this.
[ Laughter ]
Like a video-game character
whose player temporarily put down the controller.
[ Laughter ]
I don't know where this falls on the spectrum,
but it is terrifying.
[ Laughter ]
And you could tell his dad was afraid of him
but pushed on, like, "Four...
Five.
Do you want to sign a treaty before I get to six?"
And at that moment, Mason turns his back
and starts pulling napkins out of the dispenser,
and I had to leave because
I was about to start rooting for this kid.
You understand?
I was about to start, like, "Mason! Mason! Mason!"
He was so badass.
Like, I left with my coffee,
made the block, and considered going back in
'cause I know they still would have been there,
but only now, his dad's balled up crying
and Mason's counting like, "Eight...nine...ten.
I don't know what comes after ten.
I'm a child.
Here, take a napkin, crybaby.
What a little bitch."
[ Laughter ]
I bet he'll never respect his dad
'cause that dad clearly cares entirely too much
about the opinion of the strangers around him.
Which is probably why he became a parent in the first place.
[ Light laughter ]
I know that's harsh. I know.
And I don't mean for it to be.
I simply grew up with a different type of parent,
the parent that doesn't give a fuck!
[ Laughter ]
A fuck!
Fuck!
A fuck!
About the opinion of the strangers around them...
which is probably also why
they had kids in the first place, too.
Let's just be honest.
[ Laughter ]
But they also don't want those strangers to call the cops.
So in public, it's a far harder parent to spot.
They don't make a negotiation scene.
They don't do a countdown...
when the kid starts being a dickhead in public.
They give him a few seconds to pull out of it,
save their own skin,
and if they don't, they just get drug off.
"Listen to me right fucking now.
If you do not shut the fuck up this fucking second,
I promise you, the second we get home,
I will break your goddamn neck in front of your fucking toys.
Do you understand me? Do you understand me?
I will line them up.
You will say goodbye to each one individually.
Yeah.
And they will watch the life leave your fucking f--
Oh, oh, that's funny? Oh, that's funny? You're lau--
Oh, that's funny. You know what else is funny?
I wished for it to be a miscarriage.
I did.
I flipped a coin into a fountain!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
No. Oh, you have something to say now?
No, say it. Say it. I'm listening. Say it.
No, say it. I'm listening.
Exactly!
Act tough, then back down!
Just like your father.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hi. No, just one, please. He's not eating.
[ Laughter ]
Am I reminding some of you of your mothers?
[ Laughter, applause ]
Or of yourselves?
When my mom would get liftoff-level angry...
she'd make threats.
She'd say things that were supposed to frighten us,
like, "Y'all need to calm down.
Calm this shit down now.
I'm gonna tell your daddy."
And our response would be like, "Please tell Dad.
Please immediately tell Dad
so that someone else knows the whereabouts of our remains."
[ Laughter ]
"Please rope a third party into this."
[ Laughter ]
It was when she got cruising-altitude pissed off...
when it became terrifying.
Terrified, because that was the moment she would begin praying.
[ Laughter ]
Some of you understand.
[ Laughter ]
The rest of you,
I can hear the question burning on your minds.
"Well, what's so terrifying about prayer?"
How about the fact that we weren't raised religious?
[ Laughter ]
That'll get in your fucking head.
I remember my brother and I were children
at the grocery store with my mom,
acting like children.
What does that mean, obeying her every command?
Fuck no.
That's not your duty as a child.
Our parents all brought us into this world
without our permission.
Your duty as a child is to push them to the edge,
see what they're fucking made of,
test their resolve.
Have they earned the right to tell you what to do
for the next 18 to 30 years of your life?
Depending on whether or not you get your shit together later,
and that's also kind of on them.
[ Laughter ]
It's your duty to see what they're made of at that age.
And that's what we were doing.
We were doing our duty as children,
and we get out to the parking lot.
And my mom just fucking snaps.
Lets go of the basket.
It rolls into a parked car, right?
I remember the car, too -- a Lincoln Continental.
I remember it because I wanted nothing more
than to be locked inside of it at that moment
'cause I knew what was about to happen.
The alarm gets set off by the basket.
Now people are looking. She doesn't care.
She's not here anymore.
[ Laughter ]
I saw her eyes go black.
I was terrified.
And right there, in broad daylight,
in front of all these witnesses, she starts begging.
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph"...
[ Laughter ]
So not only a deity she'd never introduced in our lives before,
but his parents, begging them...to stop her...
[ Laughter ]
...to stop her.
And my brother's like, "Stop her from what?"
[ Laughter ]
And that was the day I became the oldest.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh! Oh!
Brrr!
Back to you.
Peacock call.
My fucking parents, man.
They -- They --
Like, okay, I can give you so many stories,
but we don't have time.
Here's an example of how my parents did things, alright?
When I was 18 years old, I borrowed their van, okay?
Did I have my license yet?
No, but that was their fucking issue, alright?
They were the ones who wouldn't let me get it
just because I had failed sophomore year --
again, alright?
So they were projecting
their bullshit onto me, and I needed the van
'cause me and my boys had to go play mailbox baseball.
Okay?
We'd been planning it for hours, okay?
And how were we supposed to know
that there would be mail in the mailboxes at that hour, okay?
We didn't, and the cops were total fuckin' dicks, per uge,
and we get arrested.
And instead of being cool
and just bailing me out that day,
my dad decides, no, they're gonna leave me in jail
'til my arraignment three days later --
for 72 straight hours --
so I would learn a lesson, right?
What a fucking genius.
That's brilliant parenting across the board, really.
That's a great strategy right there, you know?
"Hey, boy, you made your bed.
Now hide your cigarettes underneath it,"
you know what I'm saying?
[ Laughter ]
That probably would have worked on someone less stupid than me.
Like, I am the reason why I am so pro-choice.
[ Laughter ]
It's all me.
[ Applause ]
Based on the hell I put my parents through as a youngster,
I think every woman should consider
terminating her first pregnancy just on principle.
[ Laughter, applause ]
Be like Texas Hold' Em dealers --
burn the first one so you can flop out the next three, right?
[ Laughter, applause ]
Makes the game move much smoother.
[ Laughter ]
There is no better time than now
to make an abortion reference with Texas in the title,
I'll tell you that.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Like, I was -- [ Chuckles ]
But I think, like, the key to parenting --
like, my parents were not cool at all.
They were t-- they were parents.
Parenting is hard, right?
It's not an activity. It's a lifestyle.
It's not axe-throwing.
It's being a lumberjack,
and some people obviously can't hack it.
But I -- Like --
I think the key to parenting is embracing the fact
that you are going to fuck your kids up.
Not just accepting, but embracing,
and that is not a critique on anyone as an individual.
It is a statement about the human condition.
We are flawed. We will pass that shit on.
And if you just thought, "I'm not gonna fuck my kids up,"
I guarantee that is exactly
how you're gonna fuck your kids up.
[ Laughter ]
You're gonna try too hard.
I don't think it matters your approach.
You could be the cool parent.
You could be the chill parent who, you know,
the first time you catch him smoking weed,
you smoke the weed with him and wait 'til you're both baked
to decide on your disciplinary action.
That's great.
But now you're gonna raise a person
who probably will think the world is fair.
And once they're crushed by the sheer unfairness of it all,
they're gonna have to move back home with you
and start a podcast about monetizing one's victimhood.
Right?
And if you're the harsh parent that, you know,
makes them have chores on the weekend
and they have to get a job when they're 8
and it's all about accountability
and responsibility, that's amazing.
You're raising a go-getter,
but unfortunately, 60 years too late
'cause the system's fucking rigged.
So they're gonna get to the top, and then right then and there
have an opportunity swiped away from them
by the unqualified, coked-up son of the CEO,
and then they're gonna be broken by that
and have to move back home with you
and start a podcast about murdering their boss' son --
a pre-murder podcast, first of its kind.
So there you go.
As young parents, ask yourselves,
"What kind of podcast do I want my kids to start?
And am I willing to produce it?"
[ Laughter ]
Like -- By round of applause,
how many of you have divorced parents?
[ Cheers and applause ]
You're lucky. You're very lucky.
[ Laughter ]
Very, very lucky.
I know -- I know their divorce fucked you up,
but it fucked you up
in a very cool, sexy, brooding way.
You're all mysterious with your pain and shit.
[ Laughter ]
Like, when my mom was about to go nuclear,
when she started sharpening her knives,
and I mean that figuratively and literally, okay?
My dad could distract her with one sentence.
He'd say, "Woman, you need to calm it down
or I'm gonna go live with my other wife."
[ Laughter ]
He didn't have no other wife. He wasn't that smooth.
But that sentence would still make her jealous,
and she'd go after him.
Why? Because that is true love. Understand?
[ Laughter ]
My parents were born the same year
next door to one another in the Lower Ninth.
They grew up knowing each other since birth,
and they started dating when they were like 14, okay?
And it ruined me! Destroyed me!
[ Laughter ]
Their -- Their relationship turned me into
a little romance bitch, you know?
Just weeping all the time, like a fatter version of Cupid,
just firing hot-dog darts that would just deflect
off of every woman I fell in love with
every 48 hours, you understand?
You think being ghosted is bad?
Try not getting a response to handwritten poetry
over and over again.
[ Laughter, applause ]
That's how they fucked me up.
That's all he had to say.
"Woman, I'm gonna go live with my other wife,"
and that would make her jealous
and she'd turn all her rage on him and go after him.
And then he'd fart,
and we'd all laugh and come together as a family.
[ Laughter ]
If you don't think farting is important to family,
you're absolutely wrong.
Someone should light a match near your logic.
Farting is what --
Like, here's how powerful farting is.
In a relationship,
the moment you decide you love one another,
you fart in front of each other.
The first time, and even before that,
it's when you know you truly trust someone,
when you rip ass in front of them for the first time.
Farting is important.
It's also hilarious.
If you don't think farting is funny,
go walk into the Mississippi River,
short yourself out, 'cause your simulation sucks,
you understand?
Like, we could be in an active- shooter situation right now,
terrified for our lives,
and if someone rips ass, we're all gonna be like,
"Ha! Oh, man."
[ Laughter ]
The shooter might even laugh and be like,
"What am I doing? I'm sorry.
I got to chill out, y'all.
I'm gonna take a walk."
[ Laughter ]
Like, farting -- he would fart,
and my dad was so good at farting.
He was so -- He was great at it.
No fart was ever wasted with him.
He understood it was all about timing, okay?
He knew when to fart to end an argument.
He knew when to fart to start a conversation.
He knew when to fart to raise morale.
He knew when to fart to -- to celebrate.
He knew when to fart to commiserate.
He was the best I'd ever seen.
And he could do all the farts,
everything from a tap-dancing bullfrog
to a screeching eagle.
He could do them all.
He was the best.
[ Laughter ]
Like, here's what he'd do --
when he'd ripped the ass, he give it a second,
and then he'd go, "Y'all heard that baby wolf?"
[ Laughter, applause ]
And every time he said that, I would go, [Howls]
[ Laughter ]
That's how much I respected a fart.
I howled at the baby wolf
so it wouldn't feel like it was alone.
[ Laughter ]
Now, based on everything I just said,
some of you probably assume
I live my entire life neck-deep in poontang.
[ Laughter ]
The haters amongst you probably think I'm still a virgin.
That's fine.
I lost my virginity on March 7, 1998.
I'm very good with dates.
I don't so much remember the act itself.
What I remember more about the sex
was the morning after.
I woke up first. She was still asleep.
We were in the spooning position.
I was big spoon. She was a little spoon.
And the bed was like our own private silverware drawer.
[ Laughter ]
I was a man now, so I did what I thought men should do.
I got up and went into the kitchen
to make the woman breakfast in bed.
[ Cheering ]
Fuck yeah.
[ Applause ]
I found a big-ass punch bowl.
I filled it full of an entire box of cereal...
[ Laughter ]
...then added in an entire half-gallon of milk,
two spoons.
Casanova? Yes.
Also still a teenager? Yes.
I walked back into the bedroom,
and there she was, my angel, fast asleep, and whoops!
Dowsed her, direct hit, soaked from neck to ankle.
"Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!
I was just bringing you breakfast in bed,
and I tripped over the...floor.
I didn't realize how flat and level it was."
[ Laughter ]
But now, between you and I, that wasn't no accident.
I did that on purpose.
See, there's a little fact I left out earlier.
I didn't tell you 'cause I didn't trust you yet,
but now I do.
The private silverware I had mentioned, the bed...
was full of piss.
[ Laughter ]
I just want to make eye contact with everyone individually.
[ Laughter ]
'Cause you see, one of us... had pissed the bed.
And the one of us that did it...
you all paid money to watch perform tonight.
[ Laughter ]
Oh! Oh, I'm leaking.
[ Laughs ]
See, I...am a bedwetter.
Now, when I say that, people want to ask, "Still?"
Here's the thing about being a bedwetter --
once a bedwetter, always a bedwetter.
But it's a lot like being a professional athlete.
At a certain point, you can't do it anymore.
You have to retire for your own health...
but maybe every now and again, you do it for charity events.
[ Laughter ]
And at that point,
I was the best that ever fucking did it.
You understand?
I was the GOAT of bedwetting, okay?
By that point, I had done them all --
single beds, double beds, full size, king size,
queen size, the entire monarchy of beds.
I did those.
Bunk beds? Fuck yeah, both north and south, done.
Futons, couches?
I could do those in my sleep.
And I did.
[ Laughter ]
Murphy beds -- you ever even see a Murphy bed?
That's the bed you pull out of the wall
like you're an old private dick
living in your office in Manhattan in 1922.
There's a mystery for you to solve.
Back in the wall.
Water beds -- two of them!
How many people have ever even slept in a water bed,
let alone pissed in?
Two.
You'd think pissing a water bed
would magically open up a portal to Atlantis.
It doesn't.
[ Laughter ]
Just remember that.
I was the GOAT.
Well, if GOAT stands for greatest of all time,
we are talking about bedwetting here, so I'll --
I was the SHEEP --
Steadily Hosing Everything Everywhere...Piss.
[ Laughter ]
But this was my greatest accomplishment.
This was my crown jewel.
This was my Super Bowl trophy.
I had pissed my girlfriend's parents' bed with her in it.
[ Laughter, groans ]
You know how it is in the south.
Her parents were out of town,
and she wanted to lose her virginity
in the same place she was possibly conceived.
Everybody kn--
That's that good luck, Jimbo! Everybody knows that!
[ Laughter ]
Direct hit.
[ Laughter ]
What kind of cereal was it, you ask?
[ Laughter ]
Life.
[ Laughter, applause ]
There's poetry everywhere.
[ Laughter ]
On January 13, 1999 -- good with dates --
she dumped me.
Now, yes, for a split second, I was terrified.
For a split second, I was like, "Did she figure it out,
that it wasn't cows milk, but bladder milk?"
[ Laughter ]
"Which cleansed our sin from her loins?"
[ Laughter ]
No, she didn't figure it out.
[ Laughter ]
She broke up with me because,
in her words, I was too emotional.
That's ridiculous. It's a terrible excuse.
Too emotional? Come on.
I'm a Scorpio.
I have master control over my emotions.
You understand?
No other person is gonna get those out of me.
Sure, I was hurt. I had opened myself up to her.
I did what people say they want you to do in a relationship.
I was vulnerable.
I opened my -- I said, "There's my --
There's me on the inside. That's my heart.
Would you like to touch it?" And she said, "Uh-huh."
Took it.
Ripped it out of my ch-- I never saw it again.
I don't know what she did with it.
Probably used it around the house like a sponge,
like a -- like a paperweight or a doorstop.
Probably every time she met a guy
she wanted to bang and he didn't have a condom,
she was like, "Well, here, it's no big deal.
Use Sean's heart as a condom."
[ Laughter ]
Unfortunate, it hurt, but, hey, life happens, alright?
But I was still broken.
I was still a sad little boy.
And I decided after a couple of weeks in the doldrums
that the best way to get over her
and move on with life was to see some titties...
go to a strip club for the first time.
Now, there's no shortage of strip clubs here.
Bourbon Street alone's got two or three.
[ Laughter ]
It's got eight, I believe.
I think it's actually like 13.
And there used to be off-Bourbon strip clubs.
You remember those?
Which were a lot like off-Broadway theaters,
if you know what I'm saying.
[ Laughter ]
Like, yeah, you're gonna pay less to get in,
but you're gonna be kind of confused
by what you're watching on the stage.
It's more experimental than you were hoping.
And there'll be a fog machine unnecessarily at full blast.
You can guarantee it.
And, like, you know, the Quarter has got world-famous
strip clubs, you know, like Rick's Cabaret,
you know, Stiletto's, Barely Legal --
Larry Flynt's Barely Legal, Larry Flynt's Hustler Club.
They've got -- I didn't go to the Quarter, though.
I didn't go to any fancy strip clubs.
I went 33 miles north of the city...
to a suburb known as Slidell, Louisiana.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Where there's a gem of a gentlemen's club
called Scuttlebutt.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You know it. You -- Hey.
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
They should be paying me money for that response.
[ Laughter, applause ]
I don't know that anyone's ever cheered for Scuttlebutt,
but there -- you know, it's there.
[ Applause ]
Now, I grew up near that place, and for my entire life,
I thought it was just the dumbest-named strip club ever.
Such a -- Scuttlebutt, like the owner was just some meathead
who didn't understand English that well.
Was like, "Look, I want them to scuttle in
to see some butt.
Bam, names itself.
It's better than Scuttlegash.
It's better than Scuttletwat -- Scuttlebutt.
Put it on the fucking sign, dude."
[ Laughter ]
But later, I would learn that "scuttlebutt" is a real word
with an actual definition,
the definition of which is "a rumor or gossip."
So now that changes... right away.
Now I think the owner's just, like, a dude with a monocle
and a top hat twirling a cane.
"Pardon me, gentlemen and scholars alike.
Behind these doors
be scantily clad women of the night,
willing to polish the knob on your front side
for mere pennies on the dollar, or so that be the scuttlebutt."
[ Laughter ]
Now, at the time, I was only 20 years old.
That is technically too young to get in...
anywhere else in the country.
But I was also heartbroken,
so I walked into that place with the confidence of a vet.
You know what I mean?
Like the -- Like the --
The bouncer didn't even look at me,
but I swear I heard him say, "Thank you for your service."
[ Laughter ]
I went to the bar, ordered a PBR...
off the imported-beer list.
[ Laughter ]
Imported from Milwaukee, bruh!
[ Laughter ]
And I sat at the stage
and just sort of flipped dollar bills at the strippers
while listening to them strip
'cause I was still that heartbroken
where I couldn't even look at another female form.
Like, "Oh, she had a stomach, too, man.
No, I'm just not ready."
And I was 20, so I was broke.
So, like, every third flick, there was nothing there.
I just did the motion.
[ Laughter ]
And I just listened to the cavalcade.
"Alright, fellas, here she comes, Crystal!"
"Alright, club favorite Cacophany."
"Sexiest woman in the southeast five years running,
it's Ebony!"
A white girl, by the way.
[ Laughter ]
You know?
Culturally appropriating before
"cultural appropriation" was a buzzword.
She was a real South African American,
if you know what I'm saying.
[ Laughter ]
"Alright, fellas, here she is, club favorite Jubilee."
[ Laughter ]
"Alright, late night. Here she comes, Nancy."
[ Laughter ]
That caught my attention.
Nancy -- that's not a stripper name.
That's a normal name.
The stripper's name-name might be Nancy,
but then her stripper name would be like Charcuterie.
[ Laughter ]
"She's a board full of meat, fellas," right?
[ Laughter ]
Nancy -- that caught my attention,
and unlike every stripper before her who came out
dancing to Ja Rule or Metallica or Pantera or DMX,
Nancy came out dancing to the Goo Goo Dolls' "Iris."
[ Laughter, applause ]
We all know that song.
And a lot of people tell themselves over and over again
that they hate that song.
And if you truly believe you hate that song,
then I guess the world saw you and it didn't understand.
[ Laughter ]
And Nancy and I make eye contact right then and there,
and it's obvious there's a bond.
It's strong between us.
I'm almost worried other people can see it, right?
I mean, she was looking right through me.
She could see right through me.
I was a broken little boy.
That's why I was in the strip club.
And -- But I could see right through her, as well.
She was also broken.
It's why she was stripping.
[ Light laughter ]
I know. I feel it from some of you, like,
"W-Well, Sean, are -- what are you saying?
Are you implying that all strippers are broken people?"
Yes, I absolutely fucking am, and you need to respect that...
'cause I don't give a shit.
If you're not broken,
go out there and live your life.
Get broken, then we can hang out.
Broken people are real, you understand?
Like, human beings, we're like glow sticks.
We can't truly shine 'til someone cracks us...
shakes us up.
[ Laughter, applause ]
Because she was broken,
Nancy was more human than human...
which is a White Zombie song
that Crystal had danced to earlier.
[ Laughter, applause ]
And she's dancing around now, and she's topless.
And there they are, those titties I came to see.
But now they were more than just titties.
They were breasts.
Those which nourish us as children
and please us as adults.
This was somewhere in between, right?
And we make eye contact again, and it's a bridge of light.
It's like I'm staring into the eyes of someone
I had known for centuries,
and our last words to one another were,
"Find me in the next life."
And here we were,
finding each other in the next life,
in a strip club in Slidell, Louisiana.
Who would've thunk it?
And she kept dancing around.
She had other people there,
but every second, she'd look back at me
and we'd make eye contact over and over again.
Our bond was so strong.
We're here, Nancy! We found each other!
How many lifetimes have we spent searching?!
Our journey can finally continue!
We can be together again and travel the world
and show the human race the possibilities of love
and how it's the only thing that will save us from doom!
Nancy and I would be together!
And then -- And then I'm in a headlock.
I'm in a headlock, right?
[ Laughter ]
Out of nowhere.
And I look up, and it's the bouncer.
He's got me in a headlock,
and he's walking me out because he saw --
he saw the connection.
He knew the prophecy was true!
[ Laughter ]
He knew why I was there -- to free Nancy
so she could free others like her.
My heart was pounding at five times the rate it ever had,
pumping blood into this body
that was stronger than it has ever been.
I was more than a man because of her.
I almost felt sorry for this fucking fool.
He had no clue who he had just put his hands on.
And we got out to the parking lot,
and he makes the mistake of releasing me.
Me! A gladiator and warrior in one,
ready to destroy anyone that stood between Nancy and I,
starting with that fucking mortal.
[ Laughter ]
And he very calmly goes, "Hey, hey, man. Hey.
I can't have you in there crying, dude."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, that makes sense.
That checks out.
[ Laughter ]
Maybe I am too emotional.
[ Laughter, applause ]
Years before that --
Years and years before that,
whilst I was still an active bedwetter,
on November 17, 1991 -- I know that day.
I remember it
'cause it was the day after my 13th birthday,
and I was in a bad place
because I was still pissing the bed.
When you're still bedwetting at 13, it's an issue.
And my uncle -- he did what uncles do...
which is where they think your parents can't get the job done,
so they take a crack at it.
[ Light laughter ]
He sat me down, and he did the whole thing, was like,
"Look at me, boy!
Look at me when I'm talking to you, boy.
Look at me, boy.
Pissing the bed, like you do?
You know else does that?
Serial killers."
[ Laughter ]
Told me that at 13.
Like that is what was gonna wake me up
from my bedwetting nightmare
and I'd go take a piss in the toilet of maturity.
Like, that's a lot to tell a 13-year-old,
and if you didn't know that, yes.
A trait that a lot of serial killers share
is wetting the bed into their adult years.
It's also a trait that people with perfect pitch share, so...
take it as you will.
[ Laughter, applause ]
But that fucked with me.
That information was too much for my young mind,
and thus, my first OCD tic was born.
Every time I pissed the bed,
from then on out, the entire next day,
I had to avoid eye contact with anyone
or they would be murdered.
[ Laughter ]
And depending on what year we're talking about,
that was anywhere from one eight days a week,
you understand?
I spent a lot of time alone looking at the ground back then.
And yes, I suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder.
Obsessive compulsive disorder.
[ Laughter ]
A lot of people are under the impression
that these past two years have been like a dream come true
for those of us with OCD
because we get to wash our hands a lot.
[ Chuckles ]
Do you think we like washing our hands?
Is that what you think?
Do you think people like succumbing
to their mental illness?
Is that what you think?
Do you think schizophrenics are like,
"Oh, boy, the voices are back!
Can't wait to hear what they're up to.
Can't wait to hear what they got planned for me."
I think people project their weak bullshit
onto the mentally ill because they're afraid to admit
that they're mentally ill themselves.
We're all fucking mentally ill.
That should be the norm.
There's no such thing as mentally healthy.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Like, seriously.
We are all mentally under the weather at best.
[ Laughter ]
And that's what makes us interesting.
Like, yes, OCD is complex, very much so.
Do I wash my hands a lot?
Of course I do.
But not for the reasons you think.
I don't give a fuck about germs.
I wish I was afraid of germs. No.
Do I care about 90-degree angles
and things being put away properly?
Fuck no.
Do I have to hang up all the clothes in my closet
in a color-coordinated fashion?
I barely even hang them up half the time.
Can my food touch?
Obviously.
Obviously, my food can touch.
[ Laughter, applause ]
None of the OCD tropes apply to me.
However...
do I feel like in a past life,
I borrowed money from God and never paid God back,
so in this life, God taxes me
in the form of daily rituals I have to perform
and if I don't, God goes after my loved ones
like a Mafia boss would?
Yes, that's what it feels like,
like there's a God in heaven talking to his angels
who are like his fucking capos and shit, like,
"Hey, did Sean Patton remember to microwave absolutely nothing
for exactly 33 seconds last night?"
[ Laughter ]
"The fuck you mean, no?
He's got to do that every Tuesday at 11:59 p.m.
on the dot.
He didn't do it?!
Okay. Okay.
Well, then, I guess he don't like having
a cancer-free family, then, does he?
[ Laughter ]
"Do it! Do it!
His Uncle Billy, both lungs."
[ Laughter ]
[ Light laughter ]
What, are we all cousins here?
Guys got real weird on that one.
"Oh, my God. Is that what happened to Uncle Billy?"
[ Laughter ]
"I thought it was the 30-some odd years
of unfiltered Lucky Strikes."
It was.
That was the message.
So sometimes, God works in very obvious ways.
Like, this is why I have a beef with superstitious people,
because you know those aren't real.
You know those are OCD light at best, diet OCD.
[ Light laughter ]
I mean, superstitions were definitely started
by someone with OCD.
That's a fact. That's a fact.
There's -- There's a dialect of Spanish -- Castilian, right?
Where they make a sound that sounds like a lisp,
but do you know where that came from?
It was Spanish king hundreds of years ago
who himself had a lisp and was so insecure about it
that he made it the highborn way to speak
and the entire country followed suit,
and now it's built into the enunciation.
[ Lisping ] Or so that be the scuttlebutt.
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Now, the same thing happened
with superstitions, I guarantee it.
There was a powerful king who himself had OCD
and was -- wanted everyone to have to deal with
the shit he dealt with, so one day was like,
"It is my decree that if thy see a tabby cat
in thy path, one must turn the other way
and walk away or face tidings of ill-doing.
Make it law!"
"Your Majesty, we can never enforce
such -- such a ridiculous law."
"Off with your head!
Do it in one stroke or three, but neither two nor four."
[ Laughter ]
And thus, superstitions were born.
They don't have any stakes involved.
Superstitions are about avoiding bad luck,
saving yourself, something you can't do.
Like, we can contrast and compare all day.
If you're superstitious,
you wouldn't want to walk under a ladder
'cause that'll bring you bad luck.
What does that even mean? That's life.
And what are you so afraid of bad luck for?
Bad luck brought us the blues.
Everybody loves the fucking blues.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Growing up with OCD,
every time I made a sandwich, which was a lot,
I had to kiss all four corners before I bit into it
so that my grandfather would never die
in a boating accident, you understand?
[ Laughter ]
And it worked.
[ Laughter ]
He's been dead for a quarter century,
but it happened on dry fucking land.
[ Laughter ]
If you're superstitious,
you wouldn't want to break a mirror
'cause that'll bring you seven years of bad luck.
Seven years of bad luck?
That sounds like the premise of a CBS sitcom
that's only gonna last two seasons anyway,
so what are you afraid of?
As a teenager, every Wednesday,
I had to wear my shoes on the opposite feet
until someone noticed, and then when they noticed,
I would then have to pretend like I just noticed
because that was the only thing
that stopped the HIV virus from going airborne, okay?
[ Laughter ]
You're welcome.
I'm sorry COVID slipped through the cracks,
but that clearly wasn't my assignment.
It was airborne already.
I was focused on blood-based virus.
[ Laughter ]
Do you see?
OCD is about saving lives!
[ Light laughter ]
But there is one superstition I respect, and only one, okay?
Step on a crack, break your mother's back.
That one is proof that life is pure chaos.
You never know.
You're walking down the street one day, like you do every day.
You step on a crack, not even thinking about it,
but in that crack was a little baby cockroach
that went scurrying down the block, passed the child.
That child saw it and screamed loud enough
to distract a cyclist, who blew through a traffic light
and got plowed by a dump truck,
and then that dump truck got plowed by a cement truck.
And then that cement truck, dump truck bike rider
got plowed by a postal van.
Now you've got the largest all-municipal-vehicle accident
since Jacksonville '76, right?
This causes a traffic jam, hours.
Cars are just sitting there idling,
their engines pumping more and more carbon dioxide
into the atmosphere,
strengthening the effects of climate change,
yielding more and more psychotic,
unpredictable weather patterns like a late-season nor'easter
that unleashes a 50-mile-an-hour gale of wind
with no conscience that crosses paths with your mother
while she's doing some roofing repairs.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
She'd never see it coming.
[ Laughter ]
'Cause it's wind.
[ Laughter ]
But her spine shatters in three places upon impact
right there in the damn driveway.
You broke your mother's back.
Poetically enough, her name was probably also Gail.
Chaos!
Now, listen, I didn't invite you out
to frighten you, and I can tell I've done that.
So hear my words.
There are others like me, and we're out there
doing what we can to protect us all, you understand?
I'm a grown man, and still to this day,
I have to touch my asshole twice a day, every day,
independent asshole touchings not while showering
and not while toileteering.
Those don't count.
Independent asshole touching.
It's quick and clean -- hand in the pants,
pop right on the button, get it right out of there.
You'd never know I was doing it.
You would never know.
I would demonstrate for you,
but I've already done it twice today.
I have no clue what happens if I go for it a third time.
[ Applause ]
I don't want to risk it.
[ Laughter ]
And I know -- I know the question
that's now burning in your minds, "Why?
Sean, why?
Why must you touch your asshole twice a day
and not while showering nor toileteering, why?"
[ Light laughter ]
Well, that's a very good question,
but it's the wrong question.
The right question would be,
"Sean, why hasn't there been a successful
presidential assassination in your lifetime?"
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, if you look at the word "assassination"...
[ Laughter ]
Go ahead. Spell it out.
A-S-S-A-S-S-I-N-A-T-I-O-N.
Now apply an OCD lens to that,
it breaks it up into four words --
"ass," "ass," "I," "nation."
I nation.
That's how a leader should think.
"I am responsible for nation.
I serve nation."
But I'm no leader,
so there's nothing I can do about that.
However, "ass ass," got that covered all day.
I can serve my ass ass.
I can be responsible for that,
so as long as I touch my ass ass,
the leader can continue serving the nation.
Do you see?
[ Cheers and applause ]
As I said before, I wash my hands a lot, too,
but it has nothing to do with germs
and everything to do with national fucking security.
Oh, yeah, weed! That's why I can't smoke weed.
[ Laughter ]
I got sidetracked there.
[ Laughter ]
I want to smoke weed. I keep fucking trying.
Weed is like steroids for intrusive thought,
you understand?
The right amount and the right supervision is fine,
but what's the right amount
and what's the right supervision, okay?
Nobody I know personally. That's a fact.
I'll take it. I'll smoke one.
I'll smoke weed sometimes and my thoughts are great.
They're intrusive, but they knock, at least, you understand?
There I am, just like,
"Hey, man, just because I enjoy performing cunnilingus
does not mean I have cannibalism in my DNA.
No way, man. That's just a metaphor, right?
Eating pussy?
You're not literally devouring labia.
That's just a metaphor. I love metaphors.
Who doesn't love metaphors?
Metaphors are fantastic.
One time I met a four, and they were great.
She was cool as shit.
Damn right she was. I'm probably a four.
I should have said,
'Hey, fellow four, together we can make an eight.'
Oh, that's sexy. I'm glad I'm a Scorpio.
Wow, look at this cat.
I want to pet this cat, but what if it scratches me?
I've been through worse.
I got to live my life. I got to live.
Fuck it, let's do it. Here we are.
Listen to this cat purr.
It's awesome. Sounds like it's beatboxing.
I should drop some rhymes, be a cat rapper.
Hell, yeah.
This the only pussy I'll ever need."
Fun thoughts.
[ Laughter ]
However, then comes the moment when I look up
and see a stranger across the street
that resembles Jeffrey Dahmer.
[ Laughter ]
And that's all it takes, the reminder that evil exists,
and my thoughts go dark, like,
"I hope I don't put this cat in the microwave.
But what if I'm a serial killer? Why would I be a serial killer?
I mean, I guess I did piss my bed 'til I was 31.
Jesus, I hope I don't throw my brother out the window.
But what if I show my dick to my dad?
Why would I show my dad my dick?
Because I'm gonna be the first son to molest his father.
Oh, my God, I hope not.
I know I'm gonna see Grandma tomorrow.
I sure hope I don't grab her tits.
But what if I grab her tits?
But I would never grab her tits.
But maybe I will, right there at the wake in front of everyone,
just grab her big old, dead titties,
and everyone will just assume I'm grieving.
Like, 'That boy sure loves his Meemaw.'
But I would never grab Meemaw's tits!
Maybe that's why she died. I didn't love her enough."
But all this would look like to you is this.
[ Laughter ]
I almost stopped touching my asshole once.
[ Laughter ]
Once and only once on September 2, 2005.
Now, if you grew up in this area,
in the Gulf coastal region,
I probably shouldn't have to remind you
what happened four days before that, on August 29, 2005.
Yeah, Michael Jackson's 57th birthday?
[ Laughter ]
You were there?! I know.
We missed that
'cause we were busy evacuating from a fucking storm.
Hurricane Katrina makes landfall.
Now, I don't really remember that morning
because I woke up in the afternoon.
[ Laughter ]
I woke up because my phone had been ringing nonstop.
At that point, I had eight missed calls from my dad.
Now, my dad is a small-business owner.
All my life, I've only ever heard him
answer the phone one way and one way only -- like this.
"This is Tim."
Every time, everywhere.
Obviously in the office, but also at home.
"This is Tim."
At a relative's house, the phone's ringing.
He's like, "I'll get it. This is Tim."
We could walk past a payphone ringing.
He'd be like, "Excuse me. This is Tim."
[ Laughter ]
His name was Tim.
I mean, it's not -- it's not a joke.
It's not like his name's Gary, and it's just a prank
he's been playing for 30 years on strangers,
like, "This is Tim."
[ Laughter ]
"They think I'm Tim! It's hilarious.
Yeah, this is still Tim.
What a bunch of doofuses."
[ Laughter ]
And he never looked at caller ID.
It's something I always noticed.
When he got a cellphone, he would just answer.
And knowing my dad, he had a whole system worked out
as to why he would never look at caller ID.
Like, "Listen, every time you look at caller ID,
that's three seconds wasted.
Add that up over a full day, that's a whole minute gone.
Now add that up over a year. That's eight hours gone.
That's a whole day wasted checking caller ID.
I ain't got a whole day to waste checking caller ID, son.
I got a business to run.
Excuse me. This is Tim."
[ Laughter ]
So he calls again, and I would often answer and go,
"This is Sean."
But I didn't even get to that point.
The moment I answered the phone,
he goes, "Where the fuck are you?"
He was with my two youngest siblings,
heading to my other sister's house in Baton Rouge, right?
Which was strange to me because my dad -- we never evacuated.
My dad had been through every single hurricane
that hit this area since 1952.
The murderer's row, all of them.
Camille, Betsy, Andrew -- He'd been through --
And, like, we were oftentimes there --
Like, we never evacuated, man, ever, right?
I mean, hurricanes can be fun.
It's a Category 3 or less,
you know, you get all your snacks in there,
all your -- you know, if you're an adult, you get some booze.
If you're a child around here,
you get some booze, as well, you know?
[ Laughter ]
The power goes out, the rain's coming down,
the wind, the lightning.
You go out in the middle of it with your sister,
pretend like you're in a Creed video.
It's a great time.
[ Cheers and applause ]
We never left,
but something about Katrina terrified him.
He was out.
He says to me, "Get the fuck up now.
Pack up anything you care about.
Get to the hospital, get your mom, get to Erin's."
My mom was an RN, right?
She was at work.
So how did I respond?
I went back to sleep.
[ Laughter ]
I got to the hospital an hour later than I was supposed to,
and at that point, they were begging her to stay.
They had let too many people go already.
They were begging my mom to stay.
She had every right to leave.
The supervisor's there with tears in his eyes,
and she said yes.
She chose to stay to do her fucking job.
"Get the fuck out of here," to me.
"Go. Go now. You got to go."
I didn't even try. I was like, "Okay."
[ Laughter ]
By the time I got to Baton Rouge, right,
my dad was asleep when I walked in,
exhausted from getting everybody out of there.
I woke him up and expected him to bite my head off
and spit it back down my neck.
Clearly, my mom had called him
and told him that I was an hour late
and she couldn't leave because of me, but she didn't.
She was not a snitch, and he hadn't heard from her
since before...I had, since way earlier that day.
So I lied to him.
I lied and said they wouldn't let her go.
I lied and said, "I tried.
I tried to get her out of there,
and they wouldn't let her go, the bastards."
And my dad did what my dad do.
My -- My dad did what my dad do.
You know?
That alligator tongue coming out.
[ Laughter, applause ]
My dad did what my dad does.
My dad put his best foot forward.
That's something he taught me from the get-go.
Always put your best foot forward.
You have no clue what everybody else
in that situation is going through.
You got to be better than even you are.
And he did that in that moment.
His response was,
"Ah, don't worry about your mama, boy.
She's meaner than any damn hurricane.
[ Laughter ]
"Plus, I could just go live with my other wife."
[ Cheers and applause ]
He was being strong...
in case the rest of us were about to be weak, right?
Storm hits -- Storm hits.
A day or two goes by, every day, "She'll call,"
and you remember the media back then,
they weren't exactly checking their facts, alright?
"Oh, the -- the prisoners of Orleans Parish Prison
have escaped and gotten custody of a nuclear warhead!"
Like, "Custody of a nuclear warhead?"
The fuck -- is anybody fact-checking
or grammar-checking these assholes?"
They were just putting everything out there.
"The city is overrun by mer-people!"
[ Laughter ]
It's fucking insane.
"There's a kraken!"
[ Laughter ]
That's why people, those of us from this area,
are not -- we're not very shocked
at what the media has become
because, like, "Oh, the media is full of shit all the time?
No duh. Gotcha."
[ Laughter ]
The national media, I mean, but like...
Every day was just going by. "She'll call. She'll call."
Not a goddamn word.
And I remember it was like 2:00 in the morning.
I'm stepping outside to have a cigarette,
and my dad's just wide awake, staring at the TV,
and I, just to make conversation, go,
"What you watching?"
And his response was, "She'll call."
Now, that moment, I started thinking about my mom,
and I hadn't thought about her in days at that point, right?
And the first thing I remember,
the first thing I think about, was the time...
she punched me in the jaw.
I know, that's a -- that's a --
that opens up an entire new conversation.
Like, should you hit your kids?
All depends on your definition of "kid."
I was 21 when it happened.
[ Laughter ]
Her and I were in an argument that day,
and we were always in an argument.
My mom and I argued non-fucking-stop,
but on that day, I went too far.
I said things that couldn't be taken back,
and she made a mom threat.
Mom threats are obvious.
"Boy, do not raise your voice at me again!"
That's when you're supposed to back down, walk away...
get about a couch and a half's distance between you,
and then you go, "Bitch," and...
[ Laughter ]
...if she hears you, you've got a couch and a half head start.
[ Laughter ]
Moms ain't that fast...
or so I thought.
I went the other way
because I was a little fucking monster back then.
I was taller than my mom, too,
so I got up on top of her, looking down on her, like,
"Why?! What the fuck you gonna do?!
I'll raise my voice whenever the fuck I please!
Hit me, bitch!"
[ Laughter ]
It was so fast.
Lightning would have blushed
and thunder would have fainted at the speed of this punch.
[ Laughter ]
And I saw it all too late.
She -- Her feet were planted.
She was in an "L" stance, and her knees got springy.
And the moment the word "bitch" left my mouth for its voyage
across my sister's birthday party...
[ Laughter ]
...she threw that punch from the hips that birthed me.
[ Laughter ]
Whap! With a left.
That's what threw me off the most, the left.
All my life, I had known my mom to be right-handed.
I'd spent 15-plus years deflecting Mom rights,
but she adapted
and now came at me with this southpaw bullshit,
with this ambidextrous quality that I did not inherit.
Prah! Right across the jaw, right?
And I'll never forget, I went demonic right away.
My thought process, like, "I'm about to fuck this lady up.
I don't give a shit. I'm about to beat her ass.
I'm about to cause her more pain
than I did during childbirth, which until now,
was physically the most painful shit one could experience.
It's also emotionally and mentally the most painful thing
one could experience.
I mean, millions of women suffer from postpartum.
That's kind of fucked up.
Another million women die every year
just in the act of giving birth, even in first-world countries,
yet they do it year in and year out.
They take the risk, knowing it's a risk,
but they do it, because when you think about it,
it is a miracle.
She fucking did that for me.
I never even asked what her dreams were. Fuck.
I wonder what other sacrifices she's made
that I'm not even aware of."
[ Cheers and applause ]
And then I cried.
[ Laughter ]
And she made me a grilled cheese.
[ Laughter ]
That is good parenting!
Negotiations have broken down.
She took a leap of faith in me, her creation.
She believed in me enough to punch me in the fucking jaw...
knowing that could either turn me into a scumbag
or a decent human being.
And here I am...
a stand-up comedian.
[ Cheers and applause ]
But that's today.
On September 2, 2005.
I was just some dumb shit on my sister's front porch
halfway through an American Spirit.
So I'd been out there for like half an hour at least.
[ Laughter ]
And my dad's phone had been ringing for at least a drag...
[ Laughter ]
...and he hadn't answered it yet.
So I turn and I look through the window,
and I can see him in there.
I can see him in there breathing heavier and heavier,
bracing himself for this call.
I could see that when he answered it...
it took everything for him to do that.
I could see...he didn't even get to identify himself
as he always did.
"This is..."
All I had to do was get there on time
and she could have came with me.
All I had to do was get there on time...
but I was a fucking piece of shit.
At that moment,
I stopped believing in a God and started wishing
there were gods, old-school-style fucking gods
that would take me as a sacrifice
and bring her back if need be.
All I had to do was not be this.
The world doesn't fucking need this.
The world doesn't need another fat, bearded, loud mouth
with some sob stories.
All I had to do was be a son for once...
and the world wouldn't be punishing them because of me.
Fuck me.
And then he answered... and crumbled.
And if you've never heard a grown man crumble,
it sounds a lot like this.
"Oh! Oh, baby. Oh.
Oh, baby, I'm so glad you called.
I'm so glad you called, baby."
[ Chuckles ]
It was her...
his other wife.
[ Laughter ]
I'm just fucking with you. I had to do it.
Listen, I had to bring you there with me then
so you could be here with me now.
It was her, my mother.
She lived.
And right then and there, I developed an OCD tic
that I carry with me forever, and it is this --
I have to let go so that life can move on.
No matter what it is, let go and move on.
It's the only way to keep living.
Just like my father in that moment
had to let go of that phone call.
She was on a satellite phone, only had three minutes,
had to share it with the entire fucking hospital, okay?
Just like he then let go of a reservoir of emotion.
His soul mate was still alive!
Just like he then let go of the loudest...
[ Laughter ]
...most emotional raspberry rim shot I have ever heard.
I mean, it was perfect.
[ Cheers and applause ]
A perfect fart, just [Imitates fart] right?
A full octave.
Like, I think it was in the key of G shart.
[ Laughter ]
I didn't know a fart to tell a story.
If a stranger had heard that fart,
they'd be like, "Well, that's quite the saga.
I'm glad she lived."
[ Laughter ]
And just like then and there from that front porch,
I let go of a [Howls]
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Let go.
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
Now, this is something I try to remember,
but she reminds me of as much as she possibly can.
On October 31, 2017, right?
On that day in New York, in Manhattan, on the west side,
there was a terrorist attack.
A guy got a van and ran eight people over, killed them, right?
And then it ended.
It was bad, and it ended.
And then for the next day, I was receiving phone calls,
texts, e-mails, direct messages --
any way you could reach out to someone,
people were reaching out to me to make sure I was okay.
Everyone -- friends I hadn't spoken to in a decade,
family members I'd written off
after the last Bush administration.
Everyone.
Family members I liked, my immediate family --
everyone was reaching out to me to make sure I was good,
everyone except...my mom.
[ Laughter ]
Radio silence from this woman.
And I just couldn't let it go.
I was just in my head about it,
like, "Who the fuck does she think she is?
I'm her firstborn son.
What the fuck is wrong with her?
Oh, is this how she wants to show me
she doesn't love me anymore?
She thinks she can get away with that shit?
This is crazy!" And I couldn't let it go.
And finally, nights later,
I'm at a bar, shitfaced out of my mind,
hammered, and I start sending her
a string of very passive-aggressive...
cunty texts.
That's the only way I can describe them,
I'm like, "Hi, Mom.
My name is Sean, in case you don't have this number saved.
It's spelled S-E-A-N.
It's me, your firstborn son, pride of the herd --
your words, not mine."
[ Laughter ]
"And I was just reaching out to let you know that I am fine."
[ Laughter ]
And within a minute, she responded,
"Yeah, Sean, I assumed you were fine
'cause it all happened on a bike path."
[ Laughter ]
And then, "Love you. Got a grilled cheese waiting."
[ Chuckles ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you all very much.
Thank you, New Orleans.
You're beautiful people.
I love you all.
Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you all!
Thank you!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you all! Goodnight!
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
**
Thank you very much.