-Watch the frickin' gifts! Watch.
-Alright. -"Frickin"?
-She said frickin'. -Okay.
-Hey, Len, watch. You're gonna get
this shrimpy water all over my coat.
You know what? Just pretend like
you're driving your family in the car.
-Mom, not everybody is a bad driver, okay?
Some people, like, go places
'cause they have interests. They do things.
-Look, I'm not gonna let you ride with your friends, okay?
-I just don't get why. -I'm just not gonna do it.
-It doesn't make any sense.
It's legal.
It's not like I'm committing a crime.
-Andy, uh, you're my eyes back there.
Keep a lookout for those freaks, okay?
I swear this neighborhood sometimes is like a freak show.
I think this is the year I'm gonna put a-a-a bazooka
on top of the car.
Kaboom! -Ow! Ugh.
-Kaboom! -You -- You fricked up my hair.
-You got it, honey. It's gonna be a hell of a night.
Hell of a night.
-Hey, how's my, uh -- my extended family face?
It's very good.
Keep your eyes on the road. -Okay.
-I have interests.
-Here comes the tunnel.
-You ready, buddy?
Here we go. The old house.
Duck and cover.
-Hi! -Hello.
- Hey! How are you?
-Hi. -Hi.
- Oh, look at you!
-Alright, let's move everybody inside.
Close the door.
-I closed the door. -The heat's going out.
Everybody go inside. -Move us in. Move us in.
-Ugh. Twisted my ankle in the damn divot
in the front lawn. -Divot?
Lenny boy, let's get you a drink.
-Yeah.
Divot? I don't know if it's a hole in the ground.
Hey, Ron. -Lenny, buddy.
-Stirring the pot? -How you doing?
-Hopefully that's the only pot you'll be stirring tonight.
-Hey, Lenny.
I think you'll appreciate what I did with the green beans.
-Oh, yeah.
-Blanched.
-Gonna be a good year coming up.
-Hey!
Hi, Mom.
-Hi, Kathleen. -Hi.
-How are you? -Merry Christmas.
-How are you?
-I'm fine. -Yeah?
-And you? -Trust me.
-It's good to see you. I haven't seen you in a while.
-Yeah. Well,
alright. I'm gonna go find a place for this.
-All the ducks in a row?
Yeah, sure.
If some of the ducks jump into the pond
a little early?
Is what it's.
Anyway, huh?
Exactly.
I think we're in a optimal selling zone, as well.
Anyway, I want to wish you and your wife and children
a very merry Christmas.
Oh, you're not married? Well, never mind.
-I got a whole chicken nugget stuck in my braces.
-36 or 37, Shelter Rock Road
or Huntington or something.
But that's always a spot where it thinks it can save you time,
and then it's just a total wild goose chase.
It's like half a mile on the service road back --
-Hey! -Hey!
-Lenny, hey, where's your drink?
-It's, uh -- -You look fantastic.
-Thanks. It's, uh -- It's the cane. I got a new one.
-Yeah. Yeah. I see your point.
The black with a gold band really suits you.
-Hey, Ray. -Yeah.
-You see all the hors d'oeuvres here?
-Merry Christmas, guys. -Merry Christmas.
-Salami sticks again this year, Ray?
-Excuse me.
Mmm. They're a hit, Matty.
-What's this, Ray? -Huh?
-I'm gonna go put this under the tree for you.
-No, no, no, no, no! That's some boring business stuff for work.
I got it.
-Emily, get over here. We have business.
-Merry Christmas. -Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas, love. You look beautiful.
Oh, my goodness. You look like a magazine.
Oh, I used to look like a magazine.
Now I'm about to be a grandma. -Don't say that. You look great.
-Honey, put those gifts by the tree.
-How about it? -Okay, I'm gonna make you one.
-Try to relax.
You've been top of your class.
So you can't stress about it.
-It's so hard.
-Think of other things, other things you want to study.
-Ugh.
-I need a lot more. -When my kids were little?
-Uh-huh? -I would never let them
out of my sight. Never.
-And I fill it to the gizzard with onions and garlic
and thyme and sausage.
And then my hand's buttered. Right?
I massage the whole thing.
Almost like I'm --
Almost like I'm shampooing someone's head, hmm?
-They protect us, but you never, ever want those police
to bring home your kids the way they did Brucey.
-Oh, yeah, I liked it.
-Hey, Gram. -Very old-fashioned school.
Very old-fashioned.
Hi, sweetheart. How are you? -Good.
-That's my beautiful girl. -Thank you.
-You didn't say that about me. -I know, I know.
-People are crazy. Oh, my God. They're so crazy.
-I know. -Right?
-Yeah, honestly, I just -- Oh.
She's such a pain in the ass. -They all are.
-I know, but I would be so happy if you could,
like, work a little bit of your magic on her,
because you know what she needs right now
is a little bit of magic. -Well --
-So that she could turn her life around,
because otherwise --
-Ugh, God, you're so cold from outside.
-Yeah. -Freezing, right?
-Yeah. -Well, I did hear
it's just the right temperature to wander around.
-Yeah. Well, what are you going to do?
You know, wintertime. It's here. It's here.
-Look at my kids,
I have no magic. -Why? Your kids are lovely.
-Not even in this pinky finger.
So are yours. So are yours. -Used to be,
when she was this big. What's happening? Where's Timmy?
-They're all grown now. -He's sick! Oh, no!
-You're gonna blink, you're gonna blink,
and they're gonna be grown. -I know, I know.
-So enjoy every minute.
-Alright. We're gonna go find Timmy.
-Timmy's sick! Timmy's sick! Timmy's sick! Hurry!
-Where are we going? -Timmy's sick! Timmy's sick!
-Timmy's sick? -Timmy's sick! Come on!
-Timmy's sick again.
-Timmy's sick! -Okay.
-Hurry! Timmy's sick.
-You know what he tells me?
"No can do, Dad. I have a mission scheduled."
-A mission?
-That's right.
-What's the mission? -How the hell should I know?
-It's classified?
-I mean, sometimes he has the door closed.
-You know, I think he's onto something.
He's sticking to his guns.
-This could be important.
This could be handy.
Look, everything's gonna be remote control one day, right?
-Absolutely. -So it might be a good idea
to have one of our own behind the wheel.
Huh?
'Cause it's always been about protecting a fort, right?
Since the early people, survival of the fist.
It's always been that way and always will be, right?
-Survival of the fist? -Yeah.
-The kid's locked in a room for 14 hours a day
playing video games. -Come on, Matty,
cut him some slack, will you?
-It's what kids do now. They don't fight.
They -- They type. -Exactly.
-Can one of you goombas fix the Roomba?
- Stop.
-It's me! -Hey!
-Aw, I gotta go. -No.
- Later! Not yet!
-What the heck happened to your face?
-Yo, yo, yo. Go to your right.
No, your other right. -Grab that.
-No. -Oh, yes.
-Told you I could beat you.
-Flank them. Flank them.
-Oh, no.
-Come on, baby, come on.
Baby, baby.
Baby.
Oh, bro. They thought they had a chance.
-What does flank mean?
-You know... get them.
-Oh.
Whoa, someone down there. Someone down there.
-No. -On me, on me.
Oh, there you are. Oh. Oh, shoot. Oh.
-I see them!
Oh, my God.
- Terrorists win.
-Democracy fallen.
-Five-minute respawn. Forget it.
-You just got squiggled, dude.
-I know. Hey, you want to play?
-Me? Is it easy?
-Yeah. I could just get this unranked game here.
Not that bad.
Yo, where's Dragonfire?
-I didn't have him. Nico had him.
-No, I didn't. I wasn't with him the whole time.
-You had him. -I can't even carry him.
He's too big.
-Forget it. We have to go soon anyways.
We got to be home for dinner.
-Well, where's Dragonfire?
-I got it.
-Got this, buddy.
-Dragonfire.
Dragonfire.
Real funny.
Dragonfire.
-Lenny, we'll fix the damn divots, okay?
-It's not even a divot. It's more like a crater.
Now, are you and Matty drilling for oil or something?
-Oh, God. -Don't worry. It's an easy fix.
Um, you just put some salt down.
I got a friend who can do it for pretty cheap.
Lasts 60 years.
-60 years?
-I can celebrate my 112th right out there on the sod.
-Can you come turn this music off?
-Yeah, Mom, just give me one sec.
-20 minutes. You've been in there for 20 minutes.
-Ugh.
-You okay?
-You don't get rid of the police. You keep the police.
Like, what, are they nuts? Huh?
You get rid of the bad guys, right?
The bad people. You keep the good, huh?
That -- That's the way it's always been and always will be.
'Cause if not, chaos and insurrection.
Okay, Brucey? -Yeah!
-Brucey, keep an eye on my masterpiece.
I gotta go do a thing.
-I got Bruce the funniest gift.
I cannot wait to see his face. He's gonna freak.
Just wait.
My dad,
I got him one of those back scratchers
that you see everywhere.
And have you seen those prank golf balls,
ones where you hit them and they explode into a thousand pieces?
-You got him a back scratcher? -Yeah, a really nice one, too.
So, are we gonna see that boy you like later?
Greg Falk?
Did you get him anything?
What was I gonna say?
Um... Oh, my mom.
She's the worst to shop for.
I mean, birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's Day,
it's just -- I mean, it's impossible.
I never know what to get her.
What'd you get yours?
-Earrings.
-Okay. That's what I should have done.
Are they pretty?
Not really.
What are you doing on the computer, Bill?!
-Look. What's the solution?
What's the alternative?
Ma is deteriorating right now, okay?
And she needs around the clock care.
I've got to get up at 4:00 in the morning
and take her to the bathroom.
Something's got to be done.
That's why I think Sunrise is the solution to all this.
-Sunrise? Come on, Matty, this is Mom you're talking about.
You're just gonna send her away?
She's happy. She looks good.
I'm sorry. We can't do that.
-Ray, I know she looks happy,
and I know this is all she's ever known,
but she's deteriorating. And what happens when she falls
in the middle of the day, in the middle of the night?
Who's gonna pick her up off the floor? Bev?
-Come on. What is all this workout equipment for?
-You're strong. -We all have her best interests
in mind. How long has she been in that small bedroom, right?
For eight years. I mean, Matt has done so much,
but there's just a limit to what he can do.
You know, even if they don't sell the house --
I mean, it's only a home.
You know, she's gonna need so much more.
-Nobody is selling Ma's house.
Okay, so you know what?
I'll take her in. Yeah.
I'll take her in. Problem solved.
-Alright, Ray, you're gonna take her.
Ray, you're not taking her. Nobody's taking her.
This is my house. -Why not?
I don't like Sunrise. -Let me dumb this down for you.
-Who do they have over there anyway?
Hired hands?
Mercenaries? -Okay, please, Ray.
-I don't know, I don't know. It's not gonna be easy.
None of this is gonna be easy.
We just have to work together as a family.
Instead of arguing about this, let's come together.
Let's pull it together and see what we can do.
Let's see what she thinks.
-What are you guys, gabbadost?
Get it through your thick skulls.
This is for her. For her.
-Look, she's not gonna want to go.
Look, obviously she's not gonna want to go.
But it's scary.
But we have to make the right decision for her.
-Kathleen, what happened to us
getting a live-in aide? What -- What happened to that?
Wasn't that a choice that we were gonna --
Wasn't that up for conversation? -A live-in aide?
And who pays for that? Salary, room and board?
And I gotta have a stranger living in my house?
You can forget it. I don't want that here.
-Matty, we just have to give her a chance.
-It's very easy for all you to say
because you don't live with her. I do. I see it 24/7.
Forget about me. What about my wife?
She's the one that's gotta bear the brunt of all of this.
And it's putting a strain on her.
-That's what -- is for! -Shut up, Ray!
You don't know what you're talking about!
-Matty, we can't just push her out.
We're gonna push her over the deep end.
-Hello? That's what I've been trying to say
for the last half a mile here.
-How do we just do that?
Listen, all I'm gonna say is Sunrise is a great choice.
But till we find the perfect choice --
-And Joe has to be thrilled.
-Oh, yeah. -Three years without any work.
You know, she's not a good homebody.
Well, who's a better homebody than Joe's mom?
-Ron?
Ron?
-Here I go. Here I go.
Can I do it? Can I do it?
-I need to go to the bathroom.
-Okay, buddy. -Okay, okay.
-Let's go. Let's go. -I love this guy.
-Me, too.
He does so well for himself, my Ty.
-Oh, God bless him.
-God bless him is right. He's in computers.
-Yes. -More or less.
-What do you mean, more or less?
More. Not less. Not ever less. More.
-Alright, Ma. -Ma what?
Ma what? This is what his ancestors do.
They're excellent at it. And this is what they do.
And I'm so proud of him. What do you mean, Ma?
Unbelievable. He's got two offices, not one, two.
-Two? -Two.
-Wow. -And my daughter will say,
alright, Ma.
-Eventually, the kids are gonna move out.
Hopefully they'll move out, right?
I don't know about Ricky.
-I play darts.
Why -- Why couldn't you raise me to play like a fun sport
like basketball or baseball?
-How many sports did I put you in? You quit.
You didn't like it. -I didn't quit.
-Oh, no? -You took me off the team.
-I took you off one team, soccer,
'cause you embarrassed me a little bit.
-I don't like kicking the ball.
-What? -It's -- It --
I'm just so proud of my kids.
I love my family so much.
-Yeah, you can tell. -You know?
-You should be. -And it's just --
It's all about family. You know what I'm saying, Lenny.
-Yeah. It's a great family.
-It is a great family. And we love you,
and we love everybody in this family.
-Hey, buddy, thanks a lot. And I love you guys.
-Appreciate that. -From the jump.
You guys are great.
Don't worry. It's all gonna be alright.
Kid's not gonna look like you.
-You know, Lenny, I don't think that's pretty funny.
-Yeah. Anyway -- -I'm teasing you.
-And Bev's still talking about, uh, about selling
maybe, going to the city?
-We've talked about it. -The house?
Hey, I still think of this as Grandma's house. Come on.
I'm sure Grandma's gonna pull herself together.
These things happen in phases, you know?
The cold is always harder on an older body.
-What do you know about that, huh, Brucey?
-That's how it is. That's why you got so many
people moving down to Florida. -Oh, yeah?
-We'll surround her with some space heaters.
She'll be back on her feet right away, huh?
-That's a start.
-Bruce, that makes absolutely zero sense.
-Just wait till springtime.
You'll see. Things are gonna be fine.
-That's Uncle Ron.
That's Uncle Ray right there.
I think that one is Aunt Bev and Uncle Matthew
right there.
Uh, I don't really know who that one is on the left.
-Again, again.
-Uh, that's Cousin Ricky.
That's Grandpa Henry.
-Thank you. -Yeah. So, Ricky?
-Yeah. -I got your notes
about the, uh --
You know, I gave your notes a lot of thought,
and I think you're gonna like the changes.
-Okay. -And I got what you meant
about, uh, some of the details not fitting in.
-Right, right. right, right. -But, uh,
you know, it's like it's tough putting it all together again.
-Mm. -There's, uh,
pieces here and pieces there, and, uh...
Sometimes I want to say one thing, and then I'm not sure.
You know what I'm saying? -Yeah. Exactly.
-But, uh, definitely, let me know
how it fits together for you this time.
And, uh, it may not be perfect,
but it's moving in the right direction.
-I love it. It's gotta be the best chapter so far.
-And, um, I, uh --
I don't know, but -- I don't want to jinx it,
but it could be big.
Could be big. Could be a bestseller.
You know what I'm saying? -Yeah, definitely.
I'm so excited to read the next chapter.
-Thank you. -It's really getting there.
-Hey. Huh? Keep it close, okay?
- Okay. Yeah. - Let's go!
It's time, everyone! -Oh.
Holy! -Oh.
-Come on, let's go.
-Hey, what happened to the Muppets?
-Let's go, Ricky! Everyone, let's go!
-No, I don't want to go. -Go ahead. I'll catch up.
I'll catch up. -Oh, my gosh.
Come on!
-Ugh. Freezing my "kaiyoons" off!
You know?
-I mean, seriously.
-Is it coming?
-It's not coming, guys! It's not coming!
-It's not coming! -Don't lose faith.
-Why do I even come here?
-Uh, I think I see something, guys.
-Let's take it out. -Let just get out of here!
-Geez. That's incredible.
-Whoo-hoo! Come to Mama Claus!
Let's go!
-That's my wife.
-I'm not paying taxes anymore. -Yeah.
-I haven't paid them in the last eight years. Come on.
-There we go. -Shocker.
-That's the right idea. -That's the right idea.
Shocker. You're right, sir. I'm not shocked.
I'm unemployed.
-It's a waste of my time.
-It's coming!
-I don't know. I'm freezing.
-It's here!
He's here!
Yes! Yes!
-That was cool. -That was really good time.
And then they were just so amazing.
Seeing all those fire people up there.
-It was worth the wait.
-No, because she's like, oh, you made me feel like a bad mom.
Like, I didn't know that.
-Bruce? Bruce. -What's this? Who?
-Brucey. -Who is it?
-Did you guys see me?
-Oh, it's Brucey. -Did you see me?
-Was it good? -Dude!
-Good? -Dude, that was awesome.
-I was on the truck. I was on the truck,
and I was dancing. -That was awesome.
-It was great, right? Yeah. -Yeah!
-I stayed in character a whole week.
-It'll take him forever.
He just wants that little basement.
That's all he cares about, that man cave of his.
-The old smoking hole. How could he?
-Smoking hole? That's exactly what it is.
I don't know what's gonna happen.
All I know is it's time. Something's gotta be done.
-Very proud of you, you know?
Not every family gets represented in the parade.
-Ma still upset with you not seeing her enough?
-Is it that obvious?
-Yeah.
-Well, it's not easy. You know, I got the kids.
I got Lenny and his health.
I don't know. I can't be everywhere at once.
-Tough. -Yeah.
So you really thinking about selling the house?
-It's already done.
-Dear Lord, our Savior,
please bless the food that is on this table
and the wonderful people that sit around
who are here to join for Christmas Eve.
And please, oh, don't forget those
that are no longer with us,
Cousin Giuseppe, Aunt Mary,
Rosie, Ralph,
Deborah, Maryann, Peter, John, and all.
Oh, I forgot the other people.
Let me see. Charles. Carmine. Sebastian.
Sabatino. Angelina.
-Ray, remember that time we went to New Jersey,
and Matty had to pick you up, your car broke down?
Well, I was telling my girlfriend that story
the other day because every time she goes away,
she always packs way too much.
Just like you, Ray.
And she couldn't believe that you go road tripping
with a couch in your vehicle.
Who does that? -Oh, really?
-This guy. -Yeah, you.
Just you, Ray.
Joe, could you hold this for me?
How long you been with the Double R, Bill?
-Uh, seven years now.
- Spring chicken.
The baby.
-I'm a baby.
-Ty, honey, how's that office expansion going?
You must be so excited.
-It's been a little hectic, but it's been exciting.
I'm looking forward to see how we do.
-You're gonna do amazing, honey.
-Thank you. Thank you. -Bear in mind,
there's continuous fluctuations in the market.
And if the business expands too quickly, it becomes insolvent.
And I've seen them -- Hold on.
And I've seen them when they just dissolve just like that.
So just be careful. -I appreciate that,
but we've got some safety measures in place
that should keep us in check. -Safety measures?
You know how many times I heard safety measures?
We had the stock market crash in 1987.
We had safety measures in 2000 with the World Trade Centers.
All I'm trying to say is just be careful.
If you expand too quickly, believe me, it can happen.
You'll fail just like that.
-Matty, he'll be perfect. He'll be fine.
Thank you.
-This food's delicious.
-It was -- It was an ordeal of nuns.
Anyway, yeah, and they were giving me --
As soon as they come on, they're giving me problems about,
they want a discount on account of their being nuns.
I'm like, I can't do that.
We don't have that for you. -What'd you say?
-And that's exactly the way they looked at me, too.
-What are you talking about? I missed that.
-And they said that they would say a prayer for me, too.
-Hey.
Got that in my Army days.
-Eric, what do you do for a living?
-I run an online web community for anthro lovers.
-For what?
-The anthropomorphic community.
Like people who are animals.
We have forums and chats, and people post pictures.
40,000 subscribers as of September.
-Yeah, but how much money is that?
-I'm only in it for the money. -This guy plays keys.
Yeah, I play keys, but this guy plays keys. Yeah.
-You're so talented, dude. I don't like to hear you
talk about yourself like that. Seriously.
-No, no. I'm talking about you.
-Hey, Bruce. Do you get paid for your job?
-Mm, uh, firefighting?
-Yeah, that's a job. -It's volunteer.
Just volunteer. -You just volunteer?
You don't get nothing? You must get something.
-Pride. -Pride.
You don't get any perks from this stuff?
-What's a perk?
-Well, sometimes they take you out to dinner.
They give you a vacation. -I've got some dinners.
-So you are getting paid. You just don't report that.
-Take it easy, kid. -Not the reason you do it.
You do it 'cause you like to help people.
Right? -I do like to help people.
-I know you do. -So when does it start?
-Three weeks. -Oh. So soon. That's great.
-Yeah, it's really just a secretary position.
It's not worth all the excitement.
-Oh, hey, come on, you know, you're selling yourself short.
That's a solid law firm. -I don't know.
-Listen. Look around.
You know, it's a family of hardened criminals.
We've never had someone on the other side before.
You know, you're the first.
It's like we're putting someone on the moon.
Hey, you okay?
Oh. I'm sorry, I'm just -- I was just kidding around.
-Yeah, I'm -- I'm fine.
-Emily, would you hand me those rolls?
Emily. -What?
-Pass me the rolls.
-They're close enough to you.
-You really want to spend dinner like this?
-Can you pass me the cranberry sauce?
-What is it with you two? It's not mission impossible.
We'll show you how it's done. -Thank you.
Don't help, Matty.
-It's very simple. Don't mention it.
-Hey, Matty. I thought you said you had this place cleaned.
Huh?
-What's going on?
-Hey, run while you can.
-I didn't think about eating the chicken before my speech.
-Let's go, let's go. We want to hear.
-Okay. Hold on.
-Yo!
Thanks, Mom. -You're welcome.
-I like to start with Mom. She takes care of me so much.
-Yes, she does. -She changed my diapers
until I was, I don't know, 7 or 8.
I was a late bloomer.
Mom had to buy so many Pampers
that I thought she was gonna create a new brand.
She had a brain about the Pampers.
And, um, you know, I look forward to this all year.
And, uh, whether it's Christmas Eve or Easter
or July 4th, the birth of our country,
um,
I'm always gonna look forward to the holidays with youse all.
-Yes. Yes.
-Um, and I'd just like to say, uh, just a couple more words,
if youse don't mind. Do you mind?
-No. -You sure?
-Just keep that nice -- -Today --
- Thank you.
-Today -- -You think?
-Let me eat those.
-Let him finish. -Have, you know, have a bite.
Um, today at the parade was, um, it was something
that I-I keep extremely dear to my heart.
Um, I look forward to it very much,
because when I was young, as Mom knows,
I always wanted to be an actor and a performer.
And, um, you know, I gave up on those dreams
when I got into trouble.
But no matter how much life kicks you when you're down,
you gotta get up.
Because you gotta kick life back and tell life it's your foot.
It's not its foot. It's your -- It's your foot.
So, uh, everybody, uh, pick your glasses up,
and, um -- -Here's to feet.
-I'd like to, uh, say, uh, our foot, huh?
-Our foot! -Our foot!
Chin don! Chin don.
-Chin don. -Chin don!
-Chin don!
-I never eat like this.
Never eat like this. Never.
-It's called the cherry affogato.
-Cherry after gato. Cherry affogato.
-Yeah. Really good. -Cherry after gato.
-That's right. For you little ones,
it's decaf. I think. And it's a special dessert
that our family has been making for over 30 years.
Grandpa Henry used to make them every Christmas Eve.
-Say thank you. -Thank you.
-Come on, guys, let's go. Come on.
Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry!
-Oh, this is for Andrew.
Here you go.
Wow. Merry Christmas.
Alright, who's next here? Who's next?
Where's Joey? Where's Joey? I can't --
Can you catch it? Can you catch?
Catch.
Wow!
-Very similar. -Bev.
-Thank you, Secret Santa.
-Spit fire over the middle. -Oh, sure I can.
-Who's next? -Me!
-Nope. Who's next?
Who's left? -Oh, wow. Look at that.
-Who's this? -Mine!
-Oh, my God. Yes, it is, Henrietta.
There you go.
-I really love this.
Oh, my God.
-Hey, what do you think it is, bud?
-I don't know.
-Uh -- -Oh.
-Oh, my God. -Ah.
-Oh, what's this?
-Aww, look, Grandma.
-Is that you? -Mm-hmm.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
-When I had a full head of hair.
-Oh, no! It's Matty!
-Aww.
-Oh, Judy.
Oh, God.
-Oh, look at her. -Oh, it's all over her face.
-What did Secret Santa get you?
-Hmm? Nothing. Thank you.
-What? She didn't get you anything?
-No, nothing. -Thought she, uh --
Oh, God.
Oh! What a great gift.
Look at that. I've never seen them like that.
These are three of my favorite crackers.
Thank you.
-What the shit was that?
-Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
-Go, go, go!
-That was crazy.
-My sneakout was insane.
My mom was passed out, and my dad was out at work.
I could have rang the doorbell on the way out if I wanted to,
really.
Oh, Salwen.
Craig Salwen.
-Hey.
-I think we met at a bar mitzvah or something,
like years ago.
-Ah. Sure we did.
-Mine was crazy. I left my socks inside,
so I had to go back inside,
and I couldn't get the window open for like two minutes.
-Oh, no. -I was like shaking.
-Do you feel? -Oh. Yeah. Wow.
-Just kicking and kicking, you know?
-How many times have you been on the walk?
-This is gonna be year number five.
-I can't believe you keep coming back.
I'm kidding.
-I love you guys. You kidding me?
-Yeah. -I mean, compared to my family?
-Really? -Well --
-I don't -- I'm waiting for mine.
This one's mine. -Wait, where's Emily?
-Okay. This is -- This is great.
-Hey, Ray. Ray.
You coming with us?
-No, no, no. I'll hang out here for once.
It's too cold out there.
-Come on. Come with the family.
-No. I'm good.
-I was sleeping upstairs.
-Put your coat on.
-I'm alright, Ron. Go have some fun.
I'll see you soon.
-You always hanging back, Ray.
Alright, suit yourself. Keep warm.
-Alright. Fine.
-I missed you.
-Hey, Andrew. -Yeah?
-Where's Emily? -She's sleeping.
-She's sleeping? -Yeah.
-Where? -In that bedroom.
-The bedroom with no mattress in it?
-No, she's at --
Well, she's in the bedroom to the right of that one.
-Oh. Okay.
-What are you gonna do?
-How come your face looks like that?
No reason.
-Bye. -Bye.
-Let's go, people. Time for the walk.
Let's go!
Jesus Christmas.
Alright. Let's go.
-What's with the mailbox?
-I told you this was a drug addict neighborhood.
-Chaos and insurrection.
-Those guys are totally crazy.
Is he cute?
-Are you insane? -No, no.
They're monsters. -Yeah. You see that tall one?
His name is Splint.
-They're all the same height.
-He's the one in the middle.
He sold drugs to Graham that put him in the hospital.
And he's still messed up.
And he, like, he beat up that little kid.
Like I'm talking like little kid.
Like he was like under 4 feet tall.
-Screw that guy.
Should we go talk to them?
-Are you crazy? -I'm joking!
-They're failures.
-What the heck?
-What is that? -Uh, lock the doors.
-Yo, yo, what? -Yeah.
-Yo. Yo.
-Oh, my gosh. -Oh, my God.
-Do you see those guys?
-Yes, we saw them. -They saw you, too.
-I think they saw us.
You know, we've been planning that
for the last like 40 minutes.
-That was crazy. We're like --
We're all like what? I mean, I knew it was you guys.
-Yeah, sure, sure, you do.
-Grave diggers!
Oh, my --
-Go, go, go. -Go, go, go, go, go.
-Dude, come on. -Go, go, go, go!
-What, you don't think they'll dig up my grandma, do you?
-Ah! Freegans!
I'll catch those freegans. You'll see.
Friggin' assholes.
-No pumpernickel? Huh?
No pumpernickel.
-To be 15 again. Am I right?
-Yeah.
-Are you done with this? -Yeah.
-Thank you.
-Are you nervous now? -No.
-Are you nervous now?
-Yes.
-Hey, yo. How we doing?
-Yo. -What's up, what's up?
-What's up, Greg? -Good job, man.
- Boom.
-Yo, Greg. We just found out
that all our dads are narcissists.
Is your dad a narcissist?
-Whoa, whoa. Slow down. I just sat down.
This kid's already asking if my dad's a narcissist.
-Salwen's been busting our chains all night?
-Hey, yeah, big news.
-So, are you getting out of here later?
-Yeah, in like 20 minutes. -Alright, cool.
Do you want to maybe, like, do something?
-You and the, uh -- and the kids?
- Yeah. Maybe.
-Yeah. -Yeah?
-Maybe something like that.
I could be convinced.
-Oh, really? -Yeah.
-Okay. -Yeah.
-That'd be fun.
-God. Please do something about it.
It's illegal. It's my dumpster.
I mean, come on, that's your job, isn't it?
It's unjust, is what it is.
You want another bagel?
-It's literally just thicker bread.
-Yeah.
-With an interesting outer layer.
-But that's always how it happens, you know?
Like, if you would look at a chart of waste disposal,
there's always a huge spike right after Christmas.
I mean, the whole thing, it just makes no sense.
Like, it's just a consumer obligation at this point.
I get you a gift, and you throw it out.
You get me a gift, and I throw it out.
-It's just, like, capitalist propaganda.
-Exactly. -I'll drink to that.
-This one's still wrapped.
-Oh, what is it? -Earrings or something dumb.
-Are you going to open it?
-No.
-Are you throwing this out? -Yeah.
-Ohh! -Okay, Em!
-That one is so funny. -One time when I was like 12,
I took like one horseback riding lesson,
and my grandma got me this subscription to, like,
a horseback riding magazine, you know?
And so it came like twice a month every month.
And I threw out literally like every single article.
-Mm. -Grandmas.
-You guys ready? I mean, I've got the keys in my pocket.
I've got the car out there.
- Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
- Do it like Daddy! Do it like Daddy!
-Car equals freedom!
We're never gonna fucking die!
Ha ha!
-You, like, in the basement, or...?
-No. -Okay.
-I have my own room.
-Mm. Wow. A whole room to yourself. Wow.
-To myself. How about you?
-Uh, I'm on my own, lone wolf.
-That's cool, I like it.
-Where we gonna go next?
-Where? -I don't know.
Northport? -Ooh, okay.
This guy means business.
I like the way you think.
-I mean, it's pretty much the city.
-Yeah, we should go. It'd be cool.
-That sounds terrible.
-Sasha, we know you're not going.
-Wet blanket.
-We have to stay awake for Santa.
-Are you gonna get any more?
-Yeah, go get some more.
-A'ight.
-You guys are really gonna do it?
-No.
-5-year-olds.
-There's no way acting like that they're gonna get it.
-I'm giving it five minutes, and we walk,
I said, guys, we couldn't get it. Five minutes.
-Hey, man. Merry Christmas. -Merry Christmas.
-Um, great outfit. Really lovely.
Um, it's really cold outside,
and we were just wondering if we could,
like, get in here and -- -Just -- Yeah.
-You know, get some, get some --
-Oh, I love this. This is really nice.
-I know, it's really nice.
-Yeah. Um, yeah.
Um, so this is a big ask,
but we were thinking --
Oh, sorry. I'll do that. Um --
-I seriously, actually,
actually, seriously think
that everybody wishes they had friends like us.
Like, I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding.
This is like, this is --
Holy crap. Like, this is incredible.
I feel so good right now. Like, you guys are awesome.
I love you guys. -Aww. We love you.
-We should we should all try to get into the same college
and live together.
-Let's get married! -Yeah, let's get married!
-What do you guys think they're doing in there?
They've been there for a while.
-Be good roommates.
-Yeah. No, but seriously. -You might need to stop.
If me and Rob break up before we're like 30,
we're all getting married. Like, that's it.
- That's the thing that is really nice.
Yeah, well, have a good night before you change your mind.
-No, I think --
-Stop. Look like they're like 6.
-Yo! -What?
-No way!
-Okay, gentle, now. Gentle.
Oh, I'm gonna take these.
Taxes.
-Oh, my God. Be safe. Please. -Please.
Thank you.
-Let's go! Let's go!
-Easy, easy.
-Alright, good job. -It is pretty impressive.
I'm not gonna -- -Alright.
-You only got it 'cause Michelle was there.
I don't -- Oh, my God. What? -Oh!
-Ohh! -Ohh!
-Yay, Brucey! -Yay!
Jesus! Jesus! -Oh!
-No, no, no, no, no! Ronnie!
You're drunk. Stop. Ronnie.
Come on. Come on, calm down, Ronnie.
Come on, calm down.
Stop drinking. Stop. No more.
Enough! -Maybe later?
-I'm good here.
I'm good. I'm dancing from the couch. See me?
-Here you go, Daddy. You just have a little bit more, okay?
There you go.
Yes, yes, yes.
-Think I'm an arsonist?
You don't think I love Ma?
You don't think I love this family?
Think I'm trying to burn this house down and be an arsonist?
I'm gonna be a pop-pop soon, grandfather.
I want to keep this family together.
-5, 6, 7, 8.
-Now that you're over the hill.
Pick up speed.
-Come have a drink. One more drink, just one more.
-Come on, honey. We're tired now.
-It's too much. -I'm finally getting started.
I'm ready to party with everybody, please.
-Relax. -Oh, come on. It's still early.
-Come have a --
-$10 to tackle the Christmas tree.
-"Hey, wait a minute,
the officer says,
checking the I.D. with his flashlight.
Isn't this the same fella who rolled into a ditch
on the I-205 last year?
Yeah, that's him, says the other one.
His suitcase fell on his head when we pulled him out."
-What are you doing?
-"Check if he's still got a lump."
"Don't touch my head, he tells -- he tells him."
-Jo, what are you doing?
-"I'm not that guy. Just let me go already."
-What are you talking about? Matty?
-"Hey, take it easy, says the one."
-Did you write this?
-"Don't you remember us?" -What is this?
-"We remember you.
The whole way home, he can't shake it.
The -- The mean mugs, their stinking paws.
A neighbor's light hits him in the driveway,
and he wants to yell, that's it! No more.
Get your stinking faces out of here!"
-Catch a can. -Come on.
-"But he doesn't have the heart for that."
-Bruce. -"And he knows where
it didn't start.
So when he goes inside and throws off his coat..."
-What the hell is this? -"...he decides it's in here
that he's gotta forget.
He's gotta forget the rooms, the kitchen,
the dining room, the den.
He's got to forget the little spaces inside the rooms,
like the -- the cabinets and the drawers,
and then the littler things, too,
like tchotchkes, hinges, and cans."
"But it's -- it's not even a minute before,
and it's all just too hard.
In that blue-looking dark, he feels every space
that won't be forgot getting bigger around him
till finally it's like he's standing in every room
and closet and cupboard
and crawl space at the same time.
No way out and all alone.
He is all alone.
And when he goes up the stairs, he ignores the spot
where you could hang a portrait
and a shadow is instead.
He goes up till he gets to the landing.
And then he's just got to sit down
like an old man with a body that's no good
and no breath.
Thinking that's it.
That's it. No more.
And sitting sad like that, it's like all of a sudden,
all those things in life that never happened
go past him like footsteps.
They are walking and running and big and small.
And who gives how he knows them,
because he knows them all the same.
Like it's not even up to him,
and they've been there just as long.
Like a sorry feeling over his shoulder
or an echo under the carpet.
He curls up and lays on his side,
waiting or hoping.
And like that he falls asleep.
And it's probably a dream.
It's got to be that."
-1800.
I'm done.
I called the police and nobody's helping me.
It's freezing outside.
-You ever think,
Officer Gibson,
about a theoretical situation
in which one officer of the law
were to make a pass
on another officer of the law?
-On Christmas?
-What I'm trying to say
is there could come up.
a situation in which
one of our force
may make
some sort of advancement
on another member of our force,
whether it be romantic,
intimate,
deeply personal,
or in a downright sexual capacity.
Did you ever give any thought to that?
-Well, I haven't been on the force that long.
But if you really want to know...
yes, I have thought about that.
-Right.
-I've thought about it quite a lot.
And I don't think it would be right.
-I agree.
-It's a matter of principle.
There would be little
positive outcome
if it happened
like the way you said it.
-It's not right.
Yet we still think about it.
That's how the cards fall.
The law,
the human mind, it's not tidy.
-I suppose.
-My hope is to eventually be out there.
But we've been so busy here on Long Island
that my main focus has been to stay right here.
And between us, there's a lot going on right now.
-I don't know.
-Hey.
- Hi.
-You want to get a little messed up?
- No.
-Gotcha!
-Oh! I found you, you brat!
Thief!
Catch her!
Go! Oh, my God.
Slow.
- Do something!
I want justice!
-Try that one.
There you go.
That one's good.
-I hear these sounds like dogs barking,
and I know they're here.
And I'm just sick of it.
Just dead sick of it. -Yeah.
-It's Christmas Eve,
night of angels.
Go get her.
Come on. Go get her.
-I don't know what they're thinking,
just like lowlifes coming out here
and just driving us all crazy. -Okay.
-I keep hearing these sounds. -Yeah.
-Every single day, I hear the noise.
If they're there, if they're not, I still hear it.
It's just unbelievable.
I'm just so sick of it.
-Yo, guys.
I'm ecstatic right now.
It's been 9,
10 years since we graduated from high school.
That means this is our 10-year reunion.
And there's something about this cop car
that makes me think of being at that 10-year reunion.
I can smell it.
We're going to clean up good for this one, boys.
Suits, ties, socks, the whole nine.
-I can't wait to see everyone, man.
God bless them.
And us.
Everyone.