1
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:11,094
[cheering, applause]
2
00:00:29,821 --> 00:00:32,240
[cheering continues]
3
00:00:33,992 --> 00:00:37,662
Every study they've ever done
to determine who's smarter,
4
00:00:37,746 --> 00:00:42,375
men or women, every study comes back
and says women are smarter.
5
00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:44,210
-Every fucking one.
-[audience whoops]
6
00:00:44,294 --> 00:00:46,588
Ladies, you shouldn't be applauding that.
7
00:00:47,839 --> 00:00:49,424
You know I'm an asshole.
8
00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:52,051
You know this isn't gonna end well.
9
00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:54,929
[audience chuckling, whistling]
10
00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:58,725
"Did he say I'm pretty? Oh, my God."
11
00:00:58,808 --> 00:01:00,602
Get out of the relationship.
12
00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:03,897
[chuckling]
13
00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:09,652
If every study says that you're smarter--
okay--
14
00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:12,989
the question you should be asking yourself
was, "If we're so goddamn smart,
15
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,325
how are we in the situation we're in?"
16
00:01:19,662 --> 00:01:20,747
Well?
17
00:01:20,830 --> 00:01:22,373
[audience laughs]
18
00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:23,875
[chuckles]
19
00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:28,671
You're in the situation you're in,
not because of guys like me.
20
00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,965
As much as you wanna blame me, you know?
21
00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:34,844
Ladies, you can't tell me you never
drove by a sports bar on a football Sunday
22
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:36,805
and looked at the humanity in there.
23
00:01:37,305 --> 00:01:40,850
All those dumb guys with their
big beer bellies bumping chests.
24
00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:44,896
"Hey, he's on my fantasy team.
Up top, yeah.
25
00:01:44,979 --> 00:01:47,482
You wanna get
some more mozzarella sticks?"
26
00:01:47,565 --> 00:01:48,775
[exclaims]
27
00:01:49,651 --> 00:01:51,444
As a woman, with your bigger brain,
28
00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:54,072
you never looked in there
and thought to yourself,
29
00:01:54,155 --> 00:01:57,408
"I'm fucking losing to that?
I'm losing to that."
30
00:02:01,538 --> 00:02:06,751
My nephew is 25 years old,
and he is dating this architect.
31
00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:11,506
My goodness,
she-- she is so smart and interesting,
32
00:02:11,589 --> 00:02:14,384
successful and charismatic.
33
00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:17,887
And we all hope
that he marries her one day.
34
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:20,390
But he calls me up earlier this week,
and he was like,
35
00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:24,269
"You know, Auntie Ali,
I think I'ma break up with her.
36
00:02:24,894 --> 00:02:27,105
Yeah, because she's a boss at work,
37
00:02:27,188 --> 00:02:32,068
and so she thinks it's okay
to come home and boss me around."
38
00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:36,364
I was like, "Oh.
39
00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:39,367
Well,
40
00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:43,580
that's shit's gonna happen to you
no matter what."
41
00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:45,623
[audience laughing]
42
00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:54,674
Whether she a boss,
whether she employed or unemployed,
43
00:02:55,174 --> 00:03:00,179
once you get married and have kids,
your wife gonna boss you around.
44
00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:05,143
And you would know that
if you watched House Hunters.
45
00:03:05,226 --> 00:03:07,020
[audience laughing]
46
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:13,318
House Hunters is a show on HGTV
47
00:03:13,401 --> 00:03:18,990
where a couple pretends that
there's a decision to be made together.
48
00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:29,208
And they go on this fake-ass journey
looking at three different houses.
49
00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:32,211
And the audience is meant
to be left in suspense.
50
00:03:32,295 --> 00:03:35,798
"Oh, which house are they gonna choose?"
51
00:03:37,842 --> 00:03:42,513
It's whichever one Barbara wanted
in the first place, okay?
52
00:03:44,182 --> 00:03:48,228
And Barbara, who lives in Boise, Idaho,
53
00:03:48,311 --> 00:03:52,774
or wherever the fuck
these HGTV shows are filmed
54
00:03:52,857 --> 00:03:56,152
where houses cost $5,000 an acre…
55
00:03:57,528 --> 00:03:59,030
[applause]
56
00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:05,453
Barbara, she don't got money,
power or respect,
57
00:04:05,536 --> 00:04:07,705
but Barbara is a woman.
58
00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:11,751
And all women are very good at
59
00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:14,587
being extremely unpleasant…
60
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:16,673
[audience laughs]
61
00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:21,511
and holding your happiness
and self-esteem hostage
62
00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:24,681
until we get
what we fucking deserve, okay?
63
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,392
-Yes.
-[audience cheering]
64
00:04:28,810 --> 00:04:31,479
I'm at that age where I don't like
going to the doctor.
65
00:04:32,730 --> 00:04:35,984
'Cause a lot of doctors are my age.
66
00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:37,819
[audience laughing]
67
00:04:37,902 --> 00:04:38,987
[giggles]
68
00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:41,489
And they're Indian,
which means I might know them.
69
00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:45,118
So we're sitting there
in the waiting room at NYU, right?
70
00:04:45,201 --> 00:04:47,245
Door opens, nurse come out.
71
00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:51,040
She's like, "Dr. Gupta will see you now."
72
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:52,458
I'm like, "Oh… [chuckles]
73
00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:55,378
…this better not be Arjun Gupta
from Sacramento."
74
00:04:56,212 --> 00:04:59,632
Then I hear a familiar voice.
He's like, "Hasan Minhaj?"
75
00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:02,802
I'm like, "This is Arjun Gupta
from Sacramento!" [chuckles]
76
00:05:02,885 --> 00:05:06,014
I know this kid. He's a fucking idiot.
[chuckles]
77
00:05:06,097 --> 00:05:07,557
[audience laughing]
78
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:10,935
He failed out of the Caribbean med school.
79
00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:12,020
Twice!
80
00:05:12,103 --> 00:05:14,480
I go, "Arjun, how are you licensed?"
81
00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,107
He's like, "I don't know.
82
00:05:17,608 --> 00:05:20,361
That's why I'm a jizz doctor
with a basement office.
83
00:05:20,862 --> 00:05:22,697
Yo, drop your pants. How's auntie?"
84
00:05:22,780 --> 00:05:24,907
I'm like,
"Don't talk about my mom, Arjun."
85
00:05:25,491 --> 00:05:27,452
Beena, he's not even an MD!
86
00:05:28,369 --> 00:05:31,205
He's a goddamn DO!
87
00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:33,416
[audience laughing]
88
00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:35,626
Oh, boo.
89
00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:39,088
Boo it up, DOs. In the back.
90
00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:42,508
Doctors of osteopathic medicine
hate that joke.
91
00:05:43,259 --> 00:05:47,096
So MDs and DOs,
they're basically the same.
92
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,765
They're both good doctors.
93
00:05:49,557 --> 00:05:51,309
The only thing is
94
00:05:51,392 --> 00:05:54,729
a DO's sense of humor stops
at their MCAT score.
95
00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:57,356
[giggles]
96
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,192
You see those seats? Way back there?
97
00:05:59,275 --> 00:06:00,735
Those are the DO seats.
98
00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:04,363
These are the MD seats.
Do you know what the difference is?
99
00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:07,867
It's five points on your MCAT, okay?
100
00:06:07,950 --> 00:06:09,494
[chuckles]
101
00:06:09,577 --> 00:06:13,164
So this dude is all up in my merchandise.
He's like, "Bro, I know what's wrong."
102
00:06:13,247 --> 00:06:14,665
I'm like, "Stop saying 'bro.'"
103
00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:17,251
He's like, "Son, oh…
104
00:06:19,587 --> 00:06:22,090
you got too much blood down there.
It's lowering your sperm count.
105
00:06:22,173 --> 00:06:25,593
So we're gonna do a dangerous surgery
called varicocele repair.
106
00:06:25,676 --> 00:06:28,554
But don't worry.
I'll be doing the surgery."
107
00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:32,308
I go, "Arjun, I'm very worried." [sighs]
108
00:06:32,391 --> 00:06:34,352
You're in a lab coat and Jordans.
109
00:06:36,604 --> 00:06:39,482
Still pulls out a trimmer. He goes,
"Let me shave you right now."
110
00:06:40,441 --> 00:06:45,029
"Let's do this right here, right now."
I go, "Arjun, back up. I'm not ready."
111
00:06:46,447 --> 00:06:47,782
He goes, "Listen, man.
112
00:06:48,699 --> 00:06:50,493
If you don't get this surgery,
113
00:06:52,161 --> 00:06:53,538
you can't have kids.
114
00:06:54,872 --> 00:06:55,998
Ever."
115
00:06:57,917 --> 00:06:59,460
I go, "Are you serious?
116
00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:02,713
Me and Beena, we can't have kids?
117
00:07:04,006 --> 00:07:06,509
Like, you're telling me
we can't start a family?"
118
00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:11,973
See, that's the crazy thing
they never tell you about adulthood.
119
00:07:13,307 --> 00:07:18,271
Life gets very real
when "don't want" becomes "can't have."
120
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:21,774
Isn't that right, DOs?
121
00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:23,985
[audience laughing]
122
00:07:27,488 --> 00:07:30,992
I don't think anybody should feel bad if
they get diagnosed with a mental illness.
123
00:07:31,075 --> 00:07:33,035
'Cause it's just information about you
124
00:07:33,119 --> 00:07:35,538
that helps you know
how to take better care of yourself.
125
00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:37,457
-[cheering, applause]
-Yeah.
126
00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:40,126
Being bipolar--
There's nothing wrong with it.
127
00:07:40,209 --> 00:07:42,211
Being bipolar is like
not knowing how to swim.
128
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:43,838
It might be embarrassing to tell people,
129
00:07:43,921 --> 00:07:46,549
and it might be hard
to take you certain places.
130
00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:48,634
[audience giggling]
131
00:07:53,014 --> 00:07:55,183
But they have arm floaties.
132
00:07:56,809 --> 00:07:59,479
And if you just take your arm floaties…
133
00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:03,274
you can go wherever the hell you want.
134
00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:06,903
And I know some of you are like,
135
00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:09,405
"But, Taylor, what if people judge me
for taking arm floaties?"
136
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,616
Well, those people don't care
if you live or die,
137
00:08:11,699 --> 00:08:13,201
so maybe who cares?
138
00:08:13,784 --> 00:08:16,162
Maybe fuck those people a little.
139
00:08:16,245 --> 00:08:18,498
-[audience cheering]
-I don't know.
140
00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:20,583
[applauding]
141
00:08:24,670 --> 00:08:27,715
That being said,
you have to take your arm floaties.
142
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,676
Because it's not cool
to know you can't swim,
143
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,887
go to the public pool anyway
and jump into the deep end,
144
00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:34,972
making it everyone else's problem.
145
00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:39,894
You're thrashing around going, "I'm good."
They're like, "You literally drowning."
146
00:08:39,977 --> 00:08:42,480
And then someone nice
and handsome jumps in to help you,
147
00:08:42,563 --> 00:08:44,607
and you're like,
"See, I'm fine. I can totally swim."
148
00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:47,985
And they're like,
"No, you're holding him underwater.
149
00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:51,906
You turned Kevin into an arm floaty,
150
00:08:52,698 --> 00:08:56,118
and that's not a fair relationship
for Kevin."
151
00:08:58,037 --> 00:09:01,290
Then someone floats by you on their back
and you're like, "What was that?"
152
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:05,127
And they're like, "Oh, that's someone
whose parents supported them in the pool…
153
00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:11,384
until they could be trusted not to die.
154
00:09:12,468 --> 00:09:14,887
Here are your arm floaties."
155
00:09:17,515 --> 00:09:21,018
After leaving a, uh--
a taco stand one night,
156
00:09:21,519 --> 00:09:25,773
I, uh-- I realized that a lot of people
needed to step out of their comfort zones
157
00:09:25,856 --> 00:09:29,151
in order to find alternative ways
of making ends meet.
158
00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:33,864
I made the mistake one night of assuming
the guy working the stand was Mexican.
159
00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:36,325
He wasn't.
160
00:09:37,868 --> 00:09:40,955
I even spoke Spanish
to him, which is a no-no.
161
00:09:41,038 --> 00:09:45,626
The rule is, when engaging a brown person,
you must speak English to them first,
162
00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:48,421
and then if there's a language barrier,
then you go to plan B,
163
00:09:48,504 --> 00:09:49,714
high school Spanish.
164
00:09:50,506 --> 00:09:52,216
You start off in English.
"Hello, sir, may I--"
165
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:53,384
[speaking Spanish]
166
00:09:53,467 --> 00:09:55,469
Oh, hold on. I got this. I got this.
167
00:09:55,553 --> 00:09:56,846
Hola.
168
00:09:58,639 --> 00:10:00,141
[speaks Spanish, giggles]
169
00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:04,145
So I walked up to this guy at the stand,
and I was like--
170
00:10:04,228 --> 00:10:05,896
You know, he reminded me of a tío.
171
00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:08,316
So I was like, you know… [speaks Spanish]
172
00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:10,192
Which is like,
"Hello, friend. How are you?"
173
00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:11,277
And he responded…
174
00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,696
[imitating heavy accent]
…"What are you saying to me?"
175
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:19,118
"I'm sorry, sir.
I thought you were Mexican."
176
00:10:19,201 --> 00:10:22,246
"No, no. I am not Mexican.
I am not Mexican.
177
00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:23,539
I am Greek."
178
00:10:24,373 --> 00:10:25,625
Greek?
179
00:10:26,542 --> 00:10:28,044
Shit, I was way off.
180
00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:30,212
[audience laughs]
181
00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:33,674
"I'm sorry, bro. It's late, I'm tired.
Can I have two tacos?"
182
00:10:33,758 --> 00:10:36,469
"What you mean, 'Can I have two tacos?'
183
00:10:36,552 --> 00:10:39,680
I just finished tell you I am not Mexican.
I am Greek.
184
00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:41,766
I do not sell taco.
185
00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:44,644
I sell gyro."
186
00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:46,937
Gyro?
187
00:10:47,521 --> 00:10:49,649
Then I remembered seeing writing
on the front of the cart,
188
00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:52,568
and I just thought it was
the guy's name or something, right?
189
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:57,114
I was like, "It spells it out. G-Y-R-O.
190
00:10:57,698 --> 00:10:59,075
It's a gyro."
191
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:03,496
He got all pissy.
"It is not a gyro. It is gyro."
192
00:11:04,538 --> 00:11:05,873
"That shit says 'gyro.'"
193
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:08,167
"It is gyro!"
194
00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:11,253
"Bro, I'm tired. It's late.
What is a gyro?"
195
00:11:16,133 --> 00:11:17,343
"It's like a taco."
196
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:25,601
I found out, y'all. I'm not butch.
197
00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:28,104
Yeah.
198
00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:29,647
[audience whooping]
199
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:34,902
I am not butch, which is shocking, I know,
200
00:11:34,985 --> 00:11:38,906
'cause I have these broad shoulders
and my favorite color is plaid.
201
00:11:40,783 --> 00:11:43,035
But this is a preview
to a whole different movie
202
00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:45,663
than what you think you're about to watch.
203
00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:49,875
As they say,
the carpet does not match the drapes.
204
00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:53,712
Two things that I do not know
how to install.
205
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,887
[audience whistling, cheering]
206
00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:07,601
I look very handy, though.
I do. I look handy.
207
00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:10,813
If you saw me
and your car was broken down,
208
00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:13,482
you might assume I could fix your car.
209
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:15,651
I got that look about me.
210
00:12:15,734 --> 00:12:18,154
'Cause that is what a butch lady can do.
211
00:12:18,237 --> 00:12:21,657
She can literally put your car
on her back…
212
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:23,451
[pants]
213
00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:25,911
…and walk it to a service station.
214
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:28,164
[panting]
215
00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:31,208
She can actually just spit
in your gas tank…
216
00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:33,043
[imitates spitting]
217
00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:35,171
…and your car will start.
218
00:12:36,005 --> 00:12:40,176
Oh, magical, but that is not me.
219
00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:44,472
And men are the most mystified
by this information.
220
00:12:44,555 --> 00:12:47,725
They come up to me constantly
at, like, a Home Depot
221
00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:49,768
because they assume I work there.
222
00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:54,273
They're like, "Uh, what's up, dude? Um…
223
00:12:55,274 --> 00:12:56,275
Where are the nails?"
224
00:12:56,358 --> 00:12:59,320
I'm like, "Ooh, I'm here
for a potted plant."
225
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:01,280
[mouthing words]
226
00:13:02,281 --> 00:13:06,035
"I do know they sell M&M's
at the checkout."
227
00:13:10,789 --> 00:13:13,209
Ain't nobody got no COVID
in here, do they? Shit.
228
00:13:13,292 --> 00:13:16,045
-[audience member] No.
-Uh-uh, my ass.
229
00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:20,174
Little fake COVID card motherfuckers.
230
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,845
Yeah, COVID is some bullshit, man,
you know.
231
00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:26,680
Fuckers talking about, "Take the shot."
232
00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:29,225
I'm-- You know--
I don't know what the fuck to do.
233
00:13:29,308 --> 00:13:31,852
That shit is--
They're trying to scare you with the shit.
234
00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:34,688
"Go ahead and take it. We got a pill now."
[shouts]
235
00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:41,362
I went on and got it. I said, "Fuck it."
I went on and got the motherfucking shit.
236
00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:44,990
Yeah, I went on and got it.
237
00:13:46,158 --> 00:13:48,744
When they started talking about
cutting my shit off Netflix,
238
00:13:48,827 --> 00:13:51,163
I said, "Here, where you wanna hit it at?
Put it--"
239
00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:53,249
[audience laughing]
240
00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:55,459
I said, "Hit me in the ass with it.
Hit me."
241
00:14:04,426 --> 00:14:05,427
[chuckles]
242
00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:08,722
I thought I had it. I did.
I thought I had it.
243
00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:11,308
I went to the doctor.
He said, "That ain't what I said."
244
00:14:11,392 --> 00:14:12,643
I said, "What did you say?"
245
00:14:12,726 --> 00:14:16,522
He said, "I told you you tested positive
for cocaine on the 19th."
246
00:14:16,605 --> 00:14:18,148
[audience laughing]
247
00:14:18,232 --> 00:14:21,986
I said, "I didn't hear you. I didn't know
what you said. All I heard was 19."
248
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:30,202
See, niggas don't wanna take the shot.
249
00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:34,123
The best way to get niggas
to take that shot is put it in flavors.
250
00:14:35,499 --> 00:14:39,211
That motherfucker poppin'.
That pineapple Moderna, nigga?
251
00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:41,547
Shit.
252
00:14:42,423 --> 00:14:44,300
That watermelon Pfizer?
253
00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:45,634
[laughing continues]
254
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:48,429
"Look it here, man.
I'm on my ninth shot, man.
255
00:14:48,512 --> 00:14:51,807
You know they got the mango
coming out next month, man."
256
00:14:57,438 --> 00:14:58,898
My problem with guns is
257
00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:01,775
I don't buy either side's arguments
completely, right?
258
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:04,945
So, the conservative argument is
that guns were written in the constitution
259
00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:07,781
because the founding fathers thought
if all the citizens have guns,
260
00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:10,910
the government will have to do what
they say or else the people will rise up
261
00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:12,494
and fight the government, right?
262
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:16,832
Which is a legitimately great idea
in the 1700s,
263
00:15:17,833 --> 00:15:20,878
but the problem is
there's still people now hoarding weapons
264
00:15:20,961 --> 00:15:24,757
thinking that at some point they may need
to take on the American military,
265
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:27,092
and they think they have a shot, right?
266
00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:30,012
And look, maybe they're right,
267
00:15:30,095 --> 00:15:33,057
which is why I'm proposing
we test their theory
268
00:15:33,140 --> 00:15:36,018
and once a year have
a head-to-head shoot-up.
269
00:15:36,101 --> 00:15:38,103
[audience laughing]
270
00:15:40,689 --> 00:15:42,858
Say, a-- a hundred members of the NRA
271
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:45,402
versus, I don't know,
two members of the military.
272
00:15:46,737 --> 00:15:49,156
Broadcast it on Fox, Christmas Day.
273
00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:54,995
Like, "Merry Christmas, and welcome
to the 2022 NRA-military showdown.
274
00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:58,582
Let's go down to the field of battle
and meet one of our NRA combatants.
275
00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:00,960
Sir, what's your name?
What kind of weapon you working with?"
276
00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:02,378
He's like, "My name's Andy Baker,
277
00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:05,297
and I got a AR15,
wearing Kevlar head to toe."
278
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,466
"Andy, how confident are you,
scale of one to ten?"
279
00:16:07,549 --> 00:16:09,176
"Fucking a million."
280
00:16:09,259 --> 00:16:11,095
[audience laughing]
281
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,934
"We're gonna check in
with the military real quick."
282
00:16:17,017 --> 00:16:19,520
They cut to one guy by himself
in a bunker, and he's like,
283
00:16:19,603 --> 00:16:21,855
"My name's
Staff Sergeant Jeremiah Walker."
284
00:16:21,939 --> 00:16:23,857
"Jeremiah, what kind of weapon
are you working with?"
285
00:16:23,941 --> 00:16:27,820
He's like, "I don't know if this is fair,
but I'm working with a drone.
286
00:16:27,903 --> 00:16:30,114
[laughing continues]
287
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:39,081
Yeah, it's equipped with eight Hellfire
missiles and a high-powered camera.
288
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:40,749
As you can see on this monitor here,
289
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:43,627
the NRA fellows are actually
in just one big cluster.
290
00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:50,175
So, uh-- I'm gonna--
Have we started? All right.
291
00:16:52,761 --> 00:16:56,015
All right, yeah, so I'm gonna hit
this button right here.
292
00:16:58,726 --> 00:17:00,185
Yeah, now they're all dead."
293
00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:04,940
"That'll do it
for this year's NRA-military showdown…
294
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:07,401
[audience cheering]
295
00:17:07,484 --> 00:17:12,114
…brought to you by Whole Foods."
296
00:17:15,826 --> 00:17:18,120
The bigger your boobs are,
the uglier that bra is.
297
00:17:18,203 --> 00:17:20,414
-There's some truth for you. Yeah.
-[whooping]
298
00:17:20,497 --> 00:17:23,250
If you're working with
anything over a C cup, I got you.
299
00:17:23,333 --> 00:17:27,171
I know that pain.
I know how hideous our bras are, okay?
300
00:17:27,254 --> 00:17:29,882
So you are my people. Anything--
301
00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:33,177
And I know, people are like,
"You've got big boobs. Is that hard?"
302
00:17:33,260 --> 00:17:35,054
It fucking is. Okay?
303
00:17:35,679 --> 00:17:37,723
-They gaslight you. That's right.
-[cheering]
304
00:17:37,806 --> 00:17:40,059
There's where all the big tits are. Yeah.
305
00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:42,269
The world wants you
to have giant knockers,
306
00:17:42,352 --> 00:17:45,856
and then when you do, they give you
no infrastructure to support them.
307
00:17:45,939 --> 00:17:47,357
All we want are cute bras.
308
00:17:47,441 --> 00:17:50,444
Instead, they're like,
"Here's a Soviet-era wind sock.
309
00:17:50,527 --> 00:17:55,074
Just-Just strap it on and help plow.
Just do it."
310
00:17:56,992 --> 00:17:58,619
You never got to wear the cute bras.
311
00:17:58,702 --> 00:18:00,662
Remember when you were a teenager
and your girlfriends--
312
00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:03,874
By the way, if you have smaller breasts,
if you got an A cup or a B cup,
313
00:18:03,957 --> 00:18:06,126
like, this is size-inclusive,
but you don't know.
314
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,879
You don't know what it was like
being friends with you
315
00:18:08,962 --> 00:18:11,590
and all your girlfriends are like,
"Let's go to the mall." Remember malls?
316
00:18:11,673 --> 00:18:14,843
And you'd go, and they--
"Let's go get cute bras at Abercrombie."
317
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:15,928
Remember Abercrombie?
318
00:18:16,011 --> 00:18:17,012
And you'd go with them.
319
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:18,180
They're running forward,
320
00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:21,058
and you're carrying around
your grown-woman divorcée chest
321
00:18:21,141 --> 00:18:22,267
like, "Wait for me.
322
00:18:23,977 --> 00:18:26,730
I can't run. I'm not wearing
two sports bras. I'm coming."
323
00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:29,650
They're all trying on cute bras,
playing slap tickle.
324
00:18:29,733 --> 00:18:33,362
You're just sitting there eating a slice
from Sbarro, like, "I'll be here.
325
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,700
My mom's getting me at two.
I'll just be here."
326
00:18:39,326 --> 00:18:40,577
They'd have the cutest bras.
327
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:42,913
I always wanted the cute bras.
None for you.
328
00:18:42,996 --> 00:18:46,250
They'd come out cute. "Look at this one.
It's made of moose felt.
329
00:18:48,418 --> 00:18:50,963
So bucolic.
Look at this one, it's got hearts on it.
330
00:18:51,046 --> 00:18:52,631
This one's got little kisses on it.
331
00:18:52,714 --> 00:18:54,716
I'm a child. Isn't this so cute?
332
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,219
This one's got feathers.
333
00:18:57,302 --> 00:18:59,972
This one's just two contact lenses
and dental floss.
334
00:19:01,181 --> 00:19:02,182
Bouncy."
335
00:19:02,724 --> 00:19:05,477
Not me!
Not me and every other big-breasted girl.
336
00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:08,772
We were getting hauled
to some back-alley discount van
337
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:14,862
where some Eastern European woman
named Loretta is gonna hand-fit you,
338
00:19:14,945 --> 00:19:18,824
scoop each breast
into its own personal hurt locker
339
00:19:18,907 --> 00:19:22,244
and jiggle your tits around
in front of your mother!
340
00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:24,288
[audience cheering]
341
00:19:26,790 --> 00:19:29,626
You're just sitting there.
You've never even made out with a boy.
342
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:32,045
She's just grabbing at you like,
"How does this feel?"
343
00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:34,673
You're like,
"I'm kinda turned on. I don't know."
344
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:40,637
I'm a little bit late
to the self-care game.
345
00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:45,976
I-- I just started using
enough body lotion.
346
00:19:46,935 --> 00:19:50,314
You know what I mean?
To really moisturize the whole body.
347
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:52,774
It's a lot of lotion.
348
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:57,237
I always cheated myself.
I didn't think I deserved that much.
349
00:19:58,071 --> 00:19:59,781
I always gave myself a modest amount,
350
00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:03,243
started lotioning from the top down,
so my legs paid the price.
351
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:06,705
Then I joined Costco.
352
00:20:08,832 --> 00:20:11,126
Changed my life.
Costco lotion is a great value.
353
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,212
Comes in a big old container.
354
00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:15,923
Usually has a convenient pump
on top, right?
355
00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:18,508
The only issue is,
about two-thirds into the bottle,
356
00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:20,844
the technology collapses.
357
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:23,513
Oh, no.
358
00:20:23,597 --> 00:20:26,141
A lot of lotion left,
but you can't access it via the pump.
359
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:27,476
The pump is dead.
360
00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:32,648
At that point you gotta unscrew the top
and use the pump like a dipstick.
361
00:20:32,731 --> 00:20:34,733
[audience chuckling]
362
00:20:35,984 --> 00:20:37,152
I don't like that.
363
00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:42,115
Going from pumping to dipping,
that's a humbling transition.
364
00:20:43,659 --> 00:20:46,536
You know? 'Cause when I'm pumping,
I feel carefree. I feel rich. I'm like…
365
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,665
"Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
366
00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:52,251
Keep the change."
367
00:20:55,671 --> 00:20:57,631
When I'm dipping, it's like, "Oh…
368
00:21:02,386 --> 00:21:04,346
I'm an intelligent animal.
369
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:09,810
I can use tool."
370
00:21:13,522 --> 00:21:15,607
[chuckling continues]
371
00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:18,026
You know, you gotta twist and pull
at the same time.
372
00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:20,487
It's like buttering toast
with a chopstick.
373
00:21:27,661 --> 00:21:30,831
I got body lotion. I got face lotion.
374
00:21:30,914 --> 00:21:33,583
I stepped up my game. I got eye cream.
375
00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:34,793
[audience whoops]
376
00:21:34,876 --> 00:21:37,087
That's next-level, you know?
377
00:21:37,170 --> 00:21:41,341
Eye cream is serious
'cause eye cream costs more.
378
00:21:42,759 --> 00:21:46,096
More than any other lotion you ever bought
in your whole life.
379
00:21:46,179 --> 00:21:48,348
But it comes in the tiniest container.
380
00:21:48,849 --> 00:21:50,934
You have to justify
this precious purchase.
381
00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:53,687
You only apply the eye cream
with your ring finger.
382
00:21:54,855 --> 00:21:56,857
The softest finger, right?
383
00:21:56,940 --> 00:21:58,859
'Cause it's the laziest finger.
384
00:21:59,484 --> 00:22:03,155
Your ring finger, it don't pick,
it don't point, it don't cuss.
385
00:22:04,906 --> 00:22:07,451
It's-- It's only--
386
00:22:09,619 --> 00:22:12,039
Your ring finger is only good
for making one promise
387
00:22:12,122 --> 00:22:13,123
and eye cream.
388
00:22:14,666 --> 00:22:17,711
Which you apply
in a gentle, dabbing motion
389
00:22:17,794 --> 00:22:19,671
with your mouth slightly open like…
390
00:22:20,172 --> 00:22:22,299
[chuckling continues]
391
00:22:26,470 --> 00:22:27,971
"This better work.
392
00:22:29,681 --> 00:22:31,266
So expensive."
393
00:22:35,270 --> 00:22:37,606
Now as an adult, though,
I speak three languages.
394
00:22:37,689 --> 00:22:41,568
I speak Spanish, English and Caucasian.
395
00:22:43,028 --> 00:22:44,863
Now, Caucasian is like English,
396
00:22:44,946 --> 00:22:47,407
but I have to use fancy words
I don't normally use,
397
00:22:47,491 --> 00:22:49,618
like "organic" and "deductible."
398
00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:53,121
Let me give you an example.
399
00:22:53,205 --> 00:22:55,415
Like, in my everyday life,
when my friends mess up,
400
00:22:55,499 --> 00:22:57,584
I'm like, "Bitch, you fucked up."
401
00:22:59,377 --> 00:23:03,632
But in Caucasian, I'm like,
"Ma'am, that is unacceptable."
402
00:23:03,715 --> 00:23:06,510
See? A little right there? A little--
403
00:23:06,593 --> 00:23:08,595
[audience cheering]
404
00:23:10,430 --> 00:23:12,015
"I will fuck you up."
405
00:23:13,058 --> 00:23:14,976
"Let me speak to the manager."
406
00:23:15,060 --> 00:23:16,061
See?
407
00:23:19,481 --> 00:23:23,193
When my mom pees, she doesn't wipe.
408
00:23:24,319 --> 00:23:26,321
Ooh, I heard a woman right there go, "Ew."
409
00:23:26,404 --> 00:23:28,365
Look, she's covering her mouth,
and she waved.
410
00:23:28,448 --> 00:23:30,033
Look, right there in the jeans.
411
00:23:30,534 --> 00:23:34,329
Jean jacket, she went, "Ugh!"
Like it was a-- Like, "Oh, my God."
412
00:23:34,412 --> 00:23:37,624
And then she went like this,
"That was me. That's-- Ew."
413
00:23:37,707 --> 00:23:38,708
Look at her.
414
00:23:40,252 --> 00:23:42,379
I'm gonna tell you why. What's your name?
415
00:23:42,462 --> 00:23:43,839
-Eileen.
-Eileen.
416
00:23:43,922 --> 00:23:47,592
Let me tell you why she doesn't use paper.
All right, Eileen?
417
00:23:47,676 --> 00:23:50,178
Because she washes it with water.
So ew you, bitch.
418
00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:55,308
Don't you ever disrespect my mom's pussy.
419
00:23:55,392 --> 00:24:00,230
It's the cleanest pussy in Los Ang--
[chuckles]
420
00:24:01,982 --> 00:24:03,233
She calls it a tabò.
421
00:24:03,316 --> 00:24:05,318
[audience cheering]
422
00:24:07,737 --> 00:24:08,864
It's a cup.
423
00:24:10,699 --> 00:24:13,577
There's a lot of people in here going,
"What's a tabò?"
424
00:24:13,660 --> 00:24:15,245
Especially the ones that aren't Filipino.
425
00:24:15,328 --> 00:24:17,080
I'ma tell you what a tabò is.
426
00:24:17,581 --> 00:24:18,999
A tabò can be anything.
427
00:24:20,834 --> 00:24:22,878
A coffee mug with a broken handle.
428
00:24:22,961 --> 00:24:25,046
[audience chuckling]
429
00:24:25,130 --> 00:24:28,550
An empty I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!
container.
430
00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:33,805
Or my mom's favorite,
a Super Big Gulp cup.
431
00:24:35,098 --> 00:24:38,101
"Because it holds
44 ounces of water, Joseph.
432
00:24:38,852 --> 00:24:40,729
I can really clean it, huh?"
433
00:24:42,522 --> 00:24:45,817
And my mom's tabò sits
in the same spot it always sat in
434
00:24:45,901 --> 00:24:48,236
since the day she moved to this country.
435
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:52,407
Between the--
Between the shower and the toilet.
436
00:24:53,450 --> 00:24:57,412
That little area right there
is called tabò lane.
437
00:24:59,331 --> 00:25:01,833
And that's
where my mom's special cup sits.
438
00:25:02,751 --> 00:25:05,337
And I know there's a lot of guys in here
that aren't Filipino going,
439
00:25:05,420 --> 00:25:07,339
"Why are you telling us this, Jo Koy?"
440
00:25:07,422 --> 00:25:08,965
Well, I'll tell you why.
441
00:25:09,049 --> 00:25:12,385
Say you start dating a Filipino chick
and things go well.
442
00:25:12,886 --> 00:25:15,639
You hook up one night,
and you stay the night at her house.
443
00:25:15,722 --> 00:25:18,475
You wake up, brush your teeth,
and you're like, "I need a cup."
444
00:25:18,558 --> 00:25:21,394
-Don't use that fucking cup.
-[audience laughing]
445
00:25:24,689 --> 00:25:26,524
That cup is not for your mouth.
446
00:25:29,903 --> 00:25:32,614
Anytime my wife and I go out,
when we go back to the house,
447
00:25:32,697 --> 00:25:36,743
she's always shocked
how fast I get into bed, all right?
448
00:25:38,119 --> 00:25:41,581
I don't know what you people do
after a night out,
449
00:25:41,665 --> 00:25:45,877
but I go home, I brush my teeth,
take my clothes-- And boom.
450
00:25:45,961 --> 00:25:47,128
Right in bed.
451
00:25:48,255 --> 00:25:49,756
There's no washing the face.
452
00:25:49,839 --> 00:25:51,967
I just washed it two hours ago.
453
00:25:52,050 --> 00:25:57,806
What? I'm gonna take a-- a sink bath
after going out for an hour and a half?
454
00:26:01,226 --> 00:26:05,355
My wife always walks in the bedroom,
"Oh, my God. You're in bed already?"
455
00:26:05,438 --> 00:26:08,108
"Yeah. It's nighttime.
456
00:26:08,191 --> 00:26:11,361
What did you think I was gonna do?
Cut the lawn?
457
00:26:11,444 --> 00:26:13,738
Get in. Get in."
458
00:26:14,281 --> 00:26:16,283
[chuckling]
459
00:26:21,454 --> 00:26:23,999
I don't know what she does
in that bathroom.
460
00:26:25,792 --> 00:26:28,169
The noises that are coming out of there.
461
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:32,007
The water-- [imitates water spurting]
462
00:26:34,342 --> 00:26:37,387
She comes out rolling her face
with some spiked roller.
463
00:26:37,470 --> 00:26:41,391
I go, "Is that-- You're bleeding.
Is that helping you?
464
00:26:42,642 --> 00:26:45,395
My mother uses that to make pasta.
465
00:26:45,478 --> 00:26:49,357
Why are you using that on your forehead?"
466
00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:56,865
Then she puts some Korean mask on.
You ever see the m--
467
00:26:56,948 --> 00:27:00,994
As soon as you see the mask, you're like,
"No sex tonight. There goes that."
468
00:27:01,828 --> 00:27:04,497
I'm gonna make love to a hockey goalie?
469
00:27:06,458 --> 00:27:09,586
"Just blink, babe,
so I know you're enjoying this.
470
00:27:11,004 --> 00:27:12,505
You under that thing?"
471
00:27:16,134 --> 00:27:20,722
White schools do not celebrate
Black History Month
472
00:27:20,805 --> 00:27:23,475
the same way Black schools do.
473
00:27:23,558 --> 00:27:24,559
Mm-mmm.
474
00:27:24,642 --> 00:27:26,770
White schools celebrate
Black History Month
475
00:27:26,853 --> 00:27:29,773
according to how many Black kids
is at the school.
476
00:27:30,940 --> 00:27:33,443
So if it's four niggas, it's four days.
477
00:27:33,526 --> 00:27:35,528
[audience chuckling]
478
00:27:36,279 --> 00:27:38,156
Let's just say,
at my kids' fucking school,
479
00:27:38,239 --> 00:27:40,909
Spirit Week lasts longer
than Black History Month.
480
00:27:41,743 --> 00:27:43,244
And the few white people I see here,
481
00:27:43,328 --> 00:27:46,164
I don't know if you know how important
Black History Month is to us,
482
00:27:46,247 --> 00:27:49,417
but we used to go all-out for that shit,
didn't we, Black people?
483
00:27:49,501 --> 00:27:51,503
You had to dress up as a Black hero
484
00:27:51,586 --> 00:27:54,881
and be that fucking Black hero
for 30 fucking days.
485
00:27:56,633 --> 00:27:59,469
Now I know what you're thinking.
"Ms. Pat, it's only 28 days."
486
00:27:59,552 --> 00:28:01,346
Fuck you, we took them two days back.
487
00:28:02,180 --> 00:28:04,099
[scattered applause]
488
00:28:04,182 --> 00:28:05,975
So let me give you an example.
489
00:28:06,059 --> 00:28:08,520
If your child chose to be Harriet Tubman,
490
00:28:08,603 --> 00:28:11,564
your child had to be
Harriet fucking Tubman.
491
00:28:11,648 --> 00:28:17,320
Your child had to be smart,
be able to lead, be good at hide-and-seek…
492
00:28:19,572 --> 00:28:21,658
and be able to pistol-whip a nigga.
493
00:28:22,742 --> 00:28:24,702
And have a strong-ass face.
494
00:28:29,457 --> 00:28:31,084
Niggas, don't play with me.
495
00:28:32,335 --> 00:28:34,546
You know Harriet wasn't fucking cute.
496
00:28:36,214 --> 00:28:39,175
You know good and damn well
Harriet looked like her uncle.
497
00:28:39,259 --> 00:28:41,386
[audience laughing]
498
00:28:41,469 --> 00:28:42,929
[chuckles]
499
00:28:43,012 --> 00:28:46,516
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying
I don't appreciate Harriet, 'cause I do.
500
00:28:46,599 --> 00:28:50,395
'Cause without Harriet, I'd be sucking
some white dude dick against my will.
501
00:28:55,191 --> 00:28:58,111
Y'all act like y'all would fuck Harriet.
Ain't a nigga here that'd fuck Harriet.
502
00:28:58,194 --> 00:29:00,613
Would you fuck Harriet?
You a girl. I'm sorry.
503
00:29:01,364 --> 00:29:03,366
[audience cheering]
504
00:29:05,994 --> 00:29:08,329
You probably would fuck Harriet, but--
505
00:29:08,413 --> 00:29:10,415
[cackling]
506
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,544
I'm sorry, I didn't see you.
My glasses ain't on.
507
00:29:15,128 --> 00:29:18,131
You probably would
eat the shit out of her, but I'm sorry.
508
00:29:18,214 --> 00:29:19,549
[cackling]
509
00:29:21,926 --> 00:29:24,804
Ah, anything to be free,
ain't that right, bitch?
510
00:29:24,888 --> 00:29:26,514
[cackling]
511
00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:30,101
Eat your way straight out of master house.
512
00:29:33,104 --> 00:29:35,190
Someone tried to hug me today. [chuckles]
513
00:29:35,273 --> 00:29:37,400
I mean, I sound like a dick,
514
00:29:38,234 --> 00:29:41,571
but this older woman was very sweet,
and she saw me, and we both froze,
515
00:29:41,654 --> 00:29:44,866
and she goes, "Oh, no. Wait a second.
516
00:29:45,533 --> 00:29:48,828
No. Are you someone?"
517
00:29:50,079 --> 00:29:52,040
And I go, "Yes, I am."
518
00:29:53,124 --> 00:29:55,376
And she goes, "Give me a hug."
519
00:29:55,460 --> 00:29:56,878
I go, "Oh, no."
520
00:29:56,961 --> 00:30:00,215
Not because I don't like it.
It's just I'm terrified.
521
00:30:00,298 --> 00:30:01,299
You know what I mean?
522
00:30:01,883 --> 00:30:02,884
Who's hugging still?
523
00:30:02,967 --> 00:30:05,345
I go, "Maybe I could just
get away with a fist bump."
524
00:30:05,428 --> 00:30:08,348
She goes, "Nope. Come here. I'm a hugger."
525
00:30:08,431 --> 00:30:09,849
[imitates cawing]
526
00:30:10,350 --> 00:30:14,813
She did this eight-foot wingspan,
and she came in for the kill.
527
00:30:14,896 --> 00:30:18,441
And I gave up. I said, "All right,
bring it in. Let's both die. Come on."
528
00:30:19,067 --> 00:30:21,736
Because I don't know what's going on.
Is she sick? I don't--
529
00:30:22,362 --> 00:30:24,072
But that's how paranoid I am.
530
00:30:24,155 --> 00:30:26,991
And by the way, the old "I'm a hugger,"
can we get rid of that?
531
00:30:27,075 --> 00:30:28,535
I mean, it's not working anymore.
532
00:30:28,618 --> 00:30:31,412
"I'm a hugger" and that's it?
No questions asked?
533
00:30:33,081 --> 00:30:35,708
That shouldn't work anymore
for obvious reasons,
534
00:30:35,792 --> 00:30:39,045
and it definitely doesn't work with guys
for probably a hundred reasons.
535
00:30:39,128 --> 00:30:41,673
I mean, my uncle was like that.
536
00:30:41,756 --> 00:30:43,925
"Come on. Come here. I'm an ass-grabber.
537
00:30:44,008 --> 00:30:46,511
Get in here. Give me that juicy ass.
538
00:30:46,594 --> 00:30:49,722
No, it's okay. I'm just an ass-grabber.
539
00:30:50,515 --> 00:30:54,269
Don't be weird about it.
No, I grab asses, and I like it."
540
00:30:55,061 --> 00:30:56,229
"No, we understand that part."
541
00:30:56,312 --> 00:31:00,024
"I'm an old-school guy.
It's part of my charm.
542
00:31:00,108 --> 00:31:02,986
I'm a camel toe grazer,
and that's what I do.
543
00:31:03,069 --> 00:31:04,946
Just a little bit on the knuckles.
544
00:31:05,029 --> 00:31:07,198
I don't even feel it.
I have no nerve endings.
545
00:31:07,699 --> 00:31:08,825
You can't get mad.
546
00:31:10,410 --> 00:31:12,370
Ask my family. I've been doing it forever.
547
00:31:13,621 --> 00:31:17,834
I like to bump a biscuit now and then,
and everyone's been cool with it.
548
00:31:19,252 --> 00:31:22,922
I don't wanna change.
Don't be so woke. Come on."
549
00:31:25,174 --> 00:31:27,510
I went to England,
and I went to a dog show.
550
00:31:27,594 --> 00:31:29,304
We were filming something, obviously,
551
00:31:29,387 --> 00:31:32,265
'cause I would never seriously
go to a dog show.
552
00:31:34,017 --> 00:31:38,646
And I saw a Bernese Mountain Dog.
I had never seen this type of dog before.
553
00:31:38,730 --> 00:31:39,856
I was like, "Oh, my God.
554
00:31:39,939 --> 00:31:43,401
This is like something
I'd conjure up in my best dream."
555
00:31:44,027 --> 00:31:46,571
They're perfect.
They're black and brown and white.
556
00:31:46,654 --> 00:31:50,199
And they're lazy, you know?
They don't wanna do anything. I was like--
557
00:31:50,283 --> 00:31:53,202
You can tell in their eyes
that they just have no gumption.
558
00:31:53,286 --> 00:31:54,746
You're like…
559
00:31:54,829 --> 00:31:56,331
I was like, I want that dog.
560
00:31:56,414 --> 00:31:58,499
I came home. I told my assistant, Tanner.
561
00:31:58,583 --> 00:32:01,711
I said, "You need to get me
a Bernese Mountain Dog."
562
00:32:04,213 --> 00:32:07,216
But when you're a celebrity,
you cannot buy a dog.
563
00:32:07,300 --> 00:32:09,719
You have to rescue all of your animals.
564
00:32:11,346 --> 00:32:14,557
Otherwise, PETA will burn your house down.
565
00:32:14,641 --> 00:32:16,643
[audience laughs]
566
00:32:19,395 --> 00:32:21,189
So I told my assistant, Tanner,
567
00:32:21,272 --> 00:32:25,818
"You need to find me
a used Bernese Mountain Dog."
568
00:32:25,902 --> 00:32:27,612
[scattered applause]
569
00:32:27,695 --> 00:32:29,697
[audience chuckling]
570
00:32:34,077 --> 00:32:39,415
And two weeks later, this seven-pound,
two-week-old Bernese Mountain Dog
571
00:32:39,499 --> 00:32:41,417
traipsed into my life,
and I couldn't believe it.
572
00:32:41,501 --> 00:32:43,086
I named him Gary right away.
573
00:32:45,672 --> 00:32:48,591
But I hadn't thought it through
because puppies are energetic.
574
00:32:48,675 --> 00:32:50,343
They wanna play. That's all they wanna do.
575
00:32:50,426 --> 00:32:53,680
And their teeth are sharp,
and they jump on everything,
576
00:32:53,763 --> 00:32:55,056
and they're annoying.
577
00:32:57,016 --> 00:32:58,810
And my two other dogs met Gary.
578
00:32:58,893 --> 00:33:02,230
Within two hours, they went upstairs
to the second floor
579
00:33:02,313 --> 00:33:04,399
and didn't come down for two weeks.
580
00:33:05,566 --> 00:33:09,028
One of them texted me and said,
"Let us know when Gary's gone."
581
00:33:16,285 --> 00:33:19,747
Within 48 hours,
Gary had eaten two of my sofas.
582
00:33:19,831 --> 00:33:22,625
Not even my cushions. The entire sofa.
583
00:33:23,626 --> 00:33:25,253
I was like, "Oh, my God, what is"--
584
00:33:25,336 --> 00:33:27,755
We had to remove
all of the downstairs furniture.
585
00:33:27,839 --> 00:33:29,799
I was basically living
in an empty warehouse,
586
00:33:29,882 --> 00:33:34,178
wearing a miner's lamp and kneepads,
waiting for the next altercation.
587
00:33:35,930 --> 00:33:42,353
On day four,
I found a dead owl in my backyard.
588
00:33:43,312 --> 00:33:45,398
I didn't even know owls were real.
589
00:33:46,441 --> 00:33:48,443
[audience laughing]
590
00:33:54,532 --> 00:33:56,951
I thought they were from Game of Thrones.
591
00:33:59,662 --> 00:34:02,874
One of my dreams came true. I got to go
to Switzerland for the first time.
592
00:34:02,957 --> 00:34:04,083
One of my dreams.
593
00:34:04,167 --> 00:34:07,336
If you don't know, I'll tell you
why it was such a big dream of mine.
594
00:34:07,420 --> 00:34:10,381
My mother is a Black woman, Xhosa woman,
from South Africa.
595
00:34:10,465 --> 00:34:12,300
I grew up in South Africa, right?
596
00:34:12,383 --> 00:34:14,052
[speaks Xhosa]
597
00:34:14,135 --> 00:34:17,889
My dad is a Swiss man from Switzerland.
White man, right?
598
00:34:17,972 --> 00:34:20,016
And so, I never got to go to Switzerland.
599
00:34:20,099 --> 00:34:22,935
When I got the chance, I never really
made the time, then I couldn't go.
600
00:34:23,019 --> 00:34:26,022
And then finally, now,
we went to Switzerland for the first time.
601
00:34:26,105 --> 00:34:29,734
And it was liberating, you know?
'Cause here's the thing.
602
00:34:29,817 --> 00:34:32,028
My whole life, my whole life,
603
00:34:32,111 --> 00:34:38,284
I have always felt like
my dad didn't really love me, okay?
604
00:34:38,367 --> 00:34:42,497
And then now,
when I went and met him in Switzerland,
605
00:34:42,580 --> 00:34:43,581
I was like, "No.
606
00:34:44,207 --> 00:34:45,708
He's just Swiss."
607
00:34:45,792 --> 00:34:47,794
[audience laughing]
608
00:34:47,877 --> 00:34:49,295
They're all like that!
609
00:34:52,590 --> 00:34:53,966
It was a bit weird though.
610
00:34:54,050 --> 00:34:55,802
I tried to surprise him, though.
611
00:34:55,885 --> 00:34:58,721
I tried to surprise him
by learning German.
612
00:34:58,805 --> 00:35:01,432
We hadn't seen each other for a while,
and because he speaks German,
613
00:35:01,516 --> 00:35:03,768
I thought I was gonna surprise him
on the trip, you know?
614
00:35:03,851 --> 00:35:06,187
I went on Duolingo,
did a bunch of studying,
615
00:35:06,270 --> 00:35:09,524
and I got to Germany, got over there
and practiced, the whole thing,
616
00:35:09,607 --> 00:35:11,317
got to Switzerland
and was like, "This is it."
617
00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:13,402
I was ready,
like, "I'm gonna surprise my dad."
618
00:35:13,486 --> 00:35:15,196
I planned to get to his house,
knock on the door.
619
00:35:15,279 --> 00:35:17,073
He was gonna open it
and be surprised like, "Trevor!"
620
00:35:17,156 --> 00:35:19,742
Then I would be like,
"Papa! Ich sprechen Deutsch!"
621
00:35:19,826 --> 00:35:23,246
He was gonna be like… [speaking German]
622
00:35:23,329 --> 00:35:25,665
And be like… [sings in German]
623
00:35:26,249 --> 00:35:28,793
It was gonna be a whole thing.
I had it all planned out.
624
00:35:29,669 --> 00:35:30,920
Didn't go according to plan.
625
00:35:32,255 --> 00:35:34,173
I got there.
He was surprised. He was happy.
626
00:35:34,257 --> 00:35:36,843
But as soon as I spoke, like,
"Papa! Ich sprechen Deutsch!"
627
00:35:36,926 --> 00:35:39,512
He was like, "Don't do that.
Don't do that, huh?
628
00:35:39,595 --> 00:35:41,264
No. Don't do that. No."
629
00:35:43,558 --> 00:35:45,643
It's a different world now, man.
630
00:35:45,726 --> 00:35:47,603
It's a different world, isn't it?
631
00:35:47,687 --> 00:35:51,274
Cruise ships? You'll never see
a cruise ship again. Kiss that goodbye.
632
00:35:52,066 --> 00:35:54,652
Our grandkids won't know what a buffet is.
633
00:35:55,153 --> 00:35:56,154
Oh…
634
00:35:56,988 --> 00:35:58,990
Fuck, COVID changed everything.
635
00:35:59,073 --> 00:36:03,911
First off, every cruise ship is booked
up to the year 2026.
636
00:36:03,995 --> 00:36:07,081
People cannot wait
to get aboard the plague barge
637
00:36:07,165 --> 00:36:10,126
and sail the bounding main.
638
00:36:12,128 --> 00:36:14,255
"Oh, let me die near a waterslide!"
639
00:36:19,802 --> 00:36:21,429
Not only are buffets gonna come back,
640
00:36:21,512 --> 00:36:24,724
they're gonna come back with this weird,
"own the libs" vengeance to 'em.
641
00:36:24,807 --> 00:36:26,559
Every single one's gonna have an agenda.
642
00:36:26,642 --> 00:36:30,813
"Come on down to Captain COVID's
Alpha-Males-Only Buffet.
643
00:36:33,941 --> 00:36:35,943
You the kind of left-wing soy boy
644
00:36:36,027 --> 00:36:39,155
that needs a sneeze guard
over your clam chowder?
645
00:36:39,238 --> 00:36:41,824
Or are you able to fuck your wife?
646
00:36:41,908 --> 00:36:45,703
Then come on down to Captain COVID's.
647
00:36:49,707 --> 00:36:51,918
You show us proof
you ain't been vaccinated,
648
00:36:52,001 --> 00:36:55,004
you get a free platter
of room-temperature scallops.
649
00:36:55,087 --> 00:36:56,923
[audience chuckles]
650
00:36:57,506 --> 00:36:58,507
That's right."
651
00:37:03,888 --> 00:37:04,931
Cancel me.
652
00:37:06,432 --> 00:37:08,809
Tell Twitter I told you to say the N-word.
653
00:37:09,685 --> 00:37:12,730
Do it. Cancel me. Cancel me.
654
00:37:13,856 --> 00:37:19,153
If you really think
you have the ability to cancel me,
655
00:37:19,237 --> 00:37:23,157
sitting in your underwear at home,
on your fucking phone, do it.
656
00:37:24,408 --> 00:37:27,328
Cancel me. Cancel me.
657
00:37:27,411 --> 00:37:31,207
I left three countries
with free health care and no guns.
658
00:37:31,290 --> 00:37:32,458
[audience laughing]
659
00:37:36,504 --> 00:37:40,633
I moved to America in 2015
already prepared to die.
660
00:37:45,012 --> 00:37:49,892
You think MAGA idiots,
Asian hate, uncontrolled COVID,
661
00:37:49,976 --> 00:37:52,979
Twitter people scare me?
662
00:37:53,062 --> 00:37:55,648
Do it. Cancel me. Cancel me.
663
00:37:55,731 --> 00:37:59,443
What are you gonna do? Cancel me
so I have to go back to Malaysia?
664
00:37:59,944 --> 00:38:02,280
Where I'm a national hero?
665
00:38:02,780 --> 00:38:04,407
[audience chuckling]
666
00:38:05,574 --> 00:38:09,370
And the currency advantage
is very much in my favor?
667
00:38:10,246 --> 00:38:12,373
Oh, no! [imitates crying]
668
00:38:12,456 --> 00:38:14,583
How will I ever survive?
669
00:38:14,667 --> 00:38:16,168
Do it. Do it.
670
00:38:17,044 --> 00:38:18,713
Free me from this hell.
671
00:38:21,674 --> 00:38:23,134
Welcome to my show.
672
00:38:23,217 --> 00:38:25,761
It's not a show.
There's no dancers or jugglers.
673
00:38:25,845 --> 00:38:27,930
It's basically a bloke talking.
674
00:38:28,014 --> 00:38:31,017
Which is essentially what stand-up comedy
is, isn't it? A bloke talking.
675
00:38:31,100 --> 00:38:32,727
Sexist. Um…
676
00:38:37,356 --> 00:38:40,067
What about all the funny female comedians?
677
00:38:40,151 --> 00:38:41,652
Like, um…
678
00:38:42,153 --> 00:38:45,239
-[audience laughing]
-No. No, no. Right.
679
00:38:45,323 --> 00:38:46,657
No, no, no, no.
680
00:38:46,741 --> 00:38:48,492
I'm not doing that. Okay, right.
681
00:38:48,576 --> 00:38:49,910
That was irony, okay?
682
00:38:49,994 --> 00:38:53,205
There's gonna be a bit of that throughout
the show. See if you can spot it.
683
00:38:53,289 --> 00:38:57,626
Now, that's when I say something
I don't really mean for comic effect,
684
00:38:57,710 --> 00:38:58,836
and you, as an audience,
685
00:38:58,919 --> 00:39:01,881
you laugh at the wrong thing
'cause you know what the right thing is.
686
00:39:01,964 --> 00:39:03,883
It's a way of satirizing attitudes.
687
00:39:03,966 --> 00:39:04,967
Like that first joke.
688
00:39:05,051 --> 00:39:08,179
I used the old-fashioned,
sexist trope that women aren't funny.
689
00:39:08,262 --> 00:39:11,098
Now, in real life,
I know there are loads of funny women.
690
00:39:11,182 --> 00:39:12,391
Like, um…
691
00:39:14,643 --> 00:39:16,228
I did it again. Well spotted. Good.
692
00:39:18,064 --> 00:39:19,273
No, but there are.
693
00:39:19,899 --> 00:39:22,568
Dame Edna Everage. She's…
694
00:39:24,278 --> 00:39:25,279
Uh…
695
00:39:27,239 --> 00:39:28,532
Eddie Izzard.
696
00:39:31,994 --> 00:39:33,788
She's brilliant, isn't she?
697
00:39:34,997 --> 00:39:40,252
She's not only a great comedienne,
she's also a great actress. Isn't she?
698
00:39:40,336 --> 00:39:44,048
She was brilliant
in that thing as that man, wasn't she?
699
00:39:47,385 --> 00:39:49,929
And upgrade your sex toys, goddamn it.
700
00:39:50,888 --> 00:39:53,557
Some of y'all's sex toys
are older than your kids.
701
00:39:54,475 --> 00:39:57,728
Got that same rabbit and tongue,
702
00:39:59,563 --> 00:40:01,816
wand, bullet.
703
00:40:01,899 --> 00:40:05,152
It ain't even a bullet no more.
It's a slingshot and shit.
704
00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:07,655
Upgrade your shit.
705
00:40:07,738 --> 00:40:11,742
There's some new shit out there
right now called "Tracy's Dog."
706
00:40:12,618 --> 00:40:14,245
[audience members whooping]
707
00:40:14,328 --> 00:40:16,247
[audience laughing]
708
00:40:23,212 --> 00:40:25,589
Those testimonial hollers right there.
709
00:40:28,467 --> 00:40:31,137
Shando, let him use you, sister. Go ahead.
710
00:40:32,805 --> 00:40:35,141
[chuckling]
711
00:40:35,224 --> 00:40:39,186
Tracy's Dog.
This motherfucker is serious, you hear me?
712
00:40:39,270 --> 00:40:41,564
It's only 50 motherfucking dollars, yo.
713
00:40:41,647 --> 00:40:44,984
My son's mother, she said, "I can't keep
that motherfucker in the house
714
00:40:45,067 --> 00:40:47,445
'cause I ain't getting shit done
with it in there.
715
00:40:47,528 --> 00:40:50,114
I can't get shit done
with that motherfucker in there."
716
00:40:50,197 --> 00:40:52,741
And this motherfucker 50 fucking dollars,
you hear me?
717
00:40:52,825 --> 00:40:54,452
And it's this U-shaped device, right?
718
00:40:54,535 --> 00:40:57,246
This part go in and vibrating,
then it curve around to the top.
719
00:40:57,329 --> 00:41:00,666
And on top is the sucking mechanism
that go right on the clit.
720
00:41:00,749 --> 00:41:02,668
All it do is suck. Just…
721
00:41:02,751 --> 00:41:04,295
[imitates sucking]
722
00:41:05,254 --> 00:41:08,883
Ten speeds of sucking
on this motherfucker.
723
00:41:09,508 --> 00:41:13,012
This bitch will collapse your forehead,
I promise you.
724
00:41:13,095 --> 00:41:14,680
[audience chuckles]
725
00:41:14,763 --> 00:41:16,098
It's serious.
726
00:41:16,182 --> 00:41:18,267
Now, go ahead. Put it in your phone.
Go ahead.
727
00:41:19,018 --> 00:41:21,145
No, go ahead before you forget.
Put it in your--
728
00:41:21,228 --> 00:41:24,648
Don't worry about who looking at you.
Put it in your phone.
729
00:41:25,399 --> 00:41:26,692
You old women, put it--
730
00:41:26,775 --> 00:41:28,986
You know your mind ain't
like it used to be.
731
00:41:29,069 --> 00:41:31,322
Go ahead.
Put it in your phone before you forget it.
732
00:41:31,822 --> 00:41:33,741
Sitting there,
trying to remember that shit.
733
00:41:33,824 --> 00:41:36,535
[laughs] "He's so silly.
734
00:41:36,619 --> 00:41:40,164
"Tracy's Dog. Tracy's Dog.
Tracy's Dog. Tracy's Dog.
735
00:41:40,664 --> 00:41:42,833
Tracy's Dog. Tracy's Dog.
736
00:41:43,501 --> 00:41:45,836
Okay, I know a bitch.
She named Tracy. She got a dog.
737
00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:47,338
It's Tracy's…
738
00:41:47,421 --> 00:41:49,590
Okay, Tracy's-- Tracy's Dog."
739
00:41:52,593 --> 00:41:55,679
You putting tape over your camera
on your computer, sir?
740
00:41:55,763 --> 00:41:57,389
You are? I knew it.
741
00:41:58,933 --> 00:42:01,644
Putting tape over your computer camera,
you're like,
742
00:42:01,727 --> 00:42:03,812
"Russia's not gonna see this dick."
743
00:42:09,318 --> 00:42:12,530
"They don't deserve to see
this V-neck and this dick."
744
00:42:16,408 --> 00:42:17,993
You deleting your cookies?
745
00:42:19,203 --> 00:42:23,040
You don't know? You're not sure?
That means, "Yes. Every 20 seconds."
746
00:42:24,416 --> 00:42:26,001
All the guys in my office are like,
747
00:42:26,085 --> 00:42:28,420
"We need a program
that deletes all our cookies."
748
00:42:28,504 --> 00:42:31,382
I'm like, "How much weird-ass porn
are you watching?"
749
00:42:31,465 --> 00:42:35,010
Where's our homey? Where's 65?
Where's our guy? Did he pass on?
750
00:42:35,094 --> 00:42:36,095
Okay, there he is.
751
00:42:37,888 --> 00:42:40,391
Listen to me. They--
If you can hear me, listen.
752
00:42:40,474 --> 00:42:43,477
They watch all the porn on the Internet,
753
00:42:43,561 --> 00:42:46,397
and then they complain
that it doesn't get deleted fast enough.
754
00:42:46,480 --> 00:42:47,731
They have to delete cookies.
755
00:42:47,815 --> 00:42:52,152
Do you have any idea what he had to do
when he wanted to see a pair of titties?
756
00:42:54,154 --> 00:42:56,949
He had to drive into town,
757
00:42:58,659 --> 00:43:01,412
look for a newsstand.
758
00:43:01,495 --> 00:43:04,748
He had to look a grown man in the eye
759
00:43:05,833 --> 00:43:10,421
and say, "I would like
a Big Beaver magazine, please."
760
00:43:12,631 --> 00:43:14,633
[cheering, applause]
761
00:43:18,262 --> 00:43:21,599
His cookies was a human man
762
00:43:23,058 --> 00:43:26,520
who he could run into
at the grocery store or church, whenever.
763
00:43:26,604 --> 00:43:27,855
He never knew.
764
00:43:27,938 --> 00:43:32,067
If he wanted to delete his cookies,
he had to kill his friend.
765
00:43:36,447 --> 00:43:40,367
I saw an article the other day that said
the movie Snow White is now problematic.
766
00:43:40,451 --> 00:43:41,744
And it's like, all right.
767
00:43:41,827 --> 00:43:44,538
Look, if a movie is 75-plus years old,
768
00:43:44,622 --> 00:43:48,917
let's just assume there's a few problems
and go about our day.
769
00:43:49,001 --> 00:43:51,587
We don't need a think piece every time.
770
00:43:52,254 --> 00:43:53,756
But of course, I read the article,
771
00:43:53,839 --> 00:43:55,924
and it said,
"Look, the movie is problematic
772
00:43:56,008 --> 00:44:00,012
because he kisses her and she's sleeping.
There's no consent."
773
00:44:00,095 --> 00:44:03,474
And I was like, "All right. But it was
a quick kiss, and it saved her life."
774
00:44:03,557 --> 00:44:07,645
It's not-- It's not like he's making out
with her while jacking off,
775
00:44:07,728 --> 00:44:10,606
and the dwarves are filming.
776
00:44:10,689 --> 00:44:12,775
It was pretty tastefully done, huh?
777
00:44:14,568 --> 00:44:18,530
I don't think that movie has ever inspired
a sexual assault.
778
00:44:19,323 --> 00:44:23,285
I don't think there's a dude in prison
right now, like, "Disney lied."
779
00:44:23,369 --> 00:44:24,912
[audience laughs]
780
00:44:27,164 --> 00:44:29,208
If you pass out
and you get kissed by a prince,
781
00:44:29,291 --> 00:44:32,378
it's not-- it's not exactly
the worst-case scenario, you know?
782
00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:34,880
I'm not saying it's okay, but that's--
783
00:44:34,963 --> 00:44:38,717
If you're unconscious, that is most likely
not who's gonna kiss you.
784
00:44:44,056 --> 00:44:46,975
Maybe Prince Andrew,
but normally, you know, it's…
785
00:44:47,685 --> 00:44:49,019
Right? Okay.
786
00:44:49,103 --> 00:44:51,105
[audience members whooping]
787
00:44:53,649 --> 00:44:56,151
Is the canceling real anymore?
I don't know.
788
00:44:56,652 --> 00:45:01,407
Cut to me in a basement in two years,
like, "It's real. It's-- It's very real."
789
00:45:01,490 --> 00:45:04,576
But some of it seems ridiculous.
790
00:45:04,660 --> 00:45:07,913
Like Dr. Seuss last year.
They were like, "He's canceled."
791
00:45:07,996 --> 00:45:10,416
I was like,
"I'm pretty sure he's dead. I don't know--
792
00:45:11,291 --> 00:45:14,211
He's not frantically checking
his Twitter right now."
793
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:17,089
I saw one that said,
"Dr. Seuss is under fire."
794
00:45:17,172 --> 00:45:21,260
I was like, "He's underground.
He's not-- He's not with us anymore."
795
00:45:21,927 --> 00:45:25,639
I guess he had some racist stuff in some
of the lesser-known children's books.
796
00:45:25,722 --> 00:45:27,850
Of course,
Tucker Carlson comes on the news like,
797
00:45:27,933 --> 00:45:29,601
"They're coming for Seuss.
798
00:45:32,312 --> 00:45:35,190
It's Seuss today.
It could be any of us tomorrow.
799
00:45:36,608 --> 00:45:39,486
You need to pick a side
in the Seuss wars."
800
00:45:40,404 --> 00:45:42,406
There were people spending
thousands of dollars
801
00:45:42,489 --> 00:45:45,159
on the racist Dr. Seuss books
for I don't know what occasion.
802
00:45:45,242 --> 00:45:46,910
I don't know when you break those out.
803
00:45:47,411 --> 00:45:49,496
"Daddy, will you read me Cat in the Hat?"
804
00:45:49,580 --> 00:45:51,707
He's like, "Nah, I got the good shit."
805
00:45:52,833 --> 00:45:55,878
We're gonna do
a little Jew in the Zoo tonight. That's--
806
00:46:00,090 --> 00:46:02,259
The one that broke my heart
more than anything
807
00:46:02,342 --> 00:46:05,762
was when we lost Aretha Franklin,
the Queen of Soul.
808
00:46:06,263 --> 00:46:08,390
Tried to pay my respects
and watch the funeral,
809
00:46:08,474 --> 00:46:10,184
but that funeral was so long.
810
00:46:10,934 --> 00:46:13,228
I kept hollering at the TV, "Let her go."
811
00:46:14,313 --> 00:46:16,231
She's supposed to be with the Lord.
812
00:46:16,732 --> 00:46:19,443
That funeral was so long,
they turned off my cable.
813
00:46:20,360 --> 00:46:23,363
I said, "This funeral
done went through two billing cycles."
814
00:46:23,864 --> 00:46:25,657
They call me,
"Why ain't you paying your bill?"
815
00:46:25,741 --> 00:46:27,326
I said, "I'm still at the funeral."
816
00:46:28,952 --> 00:46:29,953
Let her go.
817
00:46:30,954 --> 00:46:33,582
I never seen
a pastor preach the whole Bible.
818
00:46:34,750 --> 00:46:36,752
This nigga didn't miss a scripture.
819
00:46:37,377 --> 00:46:39,171
I knew we were gonna be there a long time
820
00:46:39,254 --> 00:46:41,840
'cause the nigga come out talking about,
"In the beginning…"
821
00:46:42,716 --> 00:46:44,134
I said, "The beginning?"
822
00:46:45,719 --> 00:46:48,055
What do Adam and Eve got to do
with a funeral?
823
00:46:48,555 --> 00:46:51,517
Let her go.
She's supposed to be with the Lord.
824
00:46:52,142 --> 00:46:54,102
CNN was there.
They was unplugging their shit.
825
00:46:54,186 --> 00:46:55,938
"Come on. Let's get the fuck out of here."
826
00:46:57,147 --> 00:46:58,815
We've been here for three weeks.
827
00:46:59,316 --> 00:47:01,735
Don Lemon supposed to be on TV right now.
828
00:47:02,444 --> 00:47:04,696
I kept hollering at the TV, "Let her go!"
829
00:47:05,197 --> 00:47:08,575
I knew it was long
when Aretha got up to change dresses.
830
00:47:08,659 --> 00:47:10,536
[audience laughing]
831
00:47:10,619 --> 00:47:14,248
"I'm gonna wear something different
in the second half of the funeral."
832
00:47:14,331 --> 00:47:16,375
I said, "The second half?
833
00:47:17,167 --> 00:47:19,586
Who has a halftime at a funeral?"
834
00:47:20,128 --> 00:47:23,298
Let her go.
She's supposed to be with the Lord.
835
00:47:24,633 --> 00:47:28,220
That funeral was so long, nigga,
they held her in Detroit so long,
836
00:47:28,303 --> 00:47:32,558
by the time she finally did make it
to the Pearly Gates to get into heaven,
837
00:47:32,641 --> 00:47:35,769
an angel came to the door
and said, "God gone."
838
00:47:37,604 --> 00:47:39,856
You supposed to been here three weeks ago.
839
00:47:39,940 --> 00:47:42,359
He touched you on the third.
It's the 21st.
840
00:47:43,402 --> 00:47:45,654
I know you the queen, but he the king.
841
00:47:46,947 --> 00:47:50,158
You just can't have
the Lord just waiting for you, Aretha.
842
00:47:50,242 --> 00:47:51,952
This is no kind of respect.
843
00:47:54,830 --> 00:47:58,041
Florida's got a new bill.
People call it the Don't Say Gay bill.
844
00:47:58,125 --> 00:48:01,211
One of the provisions
in this bill that they dropped
845
00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:04,506
was that teachers were gonna have to
out kids as gay
846
00:48:04,590 --> 00:48:06,800
to their parents within six months.
847
00:48:06,883 --> 00:48:10,178
Which is horrible but hilarious.
848
00:48:10,262 --> 00:48:11,513
-[gasps]
-[audience gasps]
849
00:48:11,597 --> 00:48:15,559
When you think of the calls
the teachers would have to make…
850
00:48:17,603 --> 00:48:19,730
"Hey, Mr. Morris. How are you? Yeah.
851
00:48:20,314 --> 00:48:21,982
I'm Todd's English teacher.
852
00:48:22,608 --> 00:48:25,986
Yeah, he's doing great. No, no problems.
He's doing great.
853
00:48:26,069 --> 00:48:28,905
He is very close with another boy though.
854
00:48:30,282 --> 00:48:32,951
They laugh a lot.
They take the bus together.
855
00:48:33,535 --> 00:48:35,037
Oh, that's his brother?
856
00:48:35,704 --> 00:48:37,539
Okay. No, nothing. Nothing, uh…
857
00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:42,628
Nothing at all.
How are you? Are you good? [chuckles]
858
00:48:43,128 --> 00:48:45,547
Yeah, I'm just checking up on everybody."
859
00:48:47,507 --> 00:48:49,926
I would call. I'd give it no context.
860
00:48:50,636 --> 00:48:51,970
"Hey, Mrs. Miller.
861
00:48:52,596 --> 00:48:54,765
Your daughter's a les."
862
00:48:58,393 --> 00:49:00,020
Let them figure it out.
863
00:49:01,521 --> 00:49:02,606
You know?
864
00:49:02,689 --> 00:49:05,901
It also makes teachers look horrible,
you know?
865
00:49:05,984 --> 00:49:09,321
"I watched your son jerk off
with his friend. I think they're gay.
866
00:49:09,946 --> 00:49:13,367
No, I did. I-- I filmed it.
I knew you wouldn't believe me.
867
00:49:14,534 --> 00:49:17,037
Do you want to see it? It's my job.
868
00:49:17,120 --> 00:49:20,582
No, it's my job. I'm a teacher."
869
00:49:25,003 --> 00:49:28,131
I'm so sick of motherfuckers
talking shit about Joe Biden.
870
00:49:28,799 --> 00:49:31,093
"Joe need to get his shit together."
871
00:49:33,136 --> 00:49:35,097
"You need to wake up, Joe."
872
00:49:38,350 --> 00:49:40,394
"Go Brandon, Joe."
873
00:49:43,730 --> 00:49:45,732
The fuck is wrong with you people?
874
00:49:46,400 --> 00:49:48,026
Who raised you?
875
00:49:50,070 --> 00:49:53,949
Joe Biden is
96 motherfucking years old, bitch.
876
00:49:56,076 --> 00:49:58,870
You gave pawpaw the job, bitch.
877
00:50:00,163 --> 00:50:04,000
You gave great-granddaddy the job, bitch.
878
00:50:05,335 --> 00:50:08,547
Now you want
big daddy to get his shit together?
879
00:50:10,674 --> 00:50:13,844
Joe Biden is doing the best
he motherfucking can.
880
00:50:14,886 --> 00:50:17,472
That man is 97 years old.
881
00:50:21,435 --> 00:50:23,854
People talking shit about Joe Biden.
882
00:50:23,937 --> 00:50:26,982
"I don't like
the way he left Afghanistan."
883
00:50:27,566 --> 00:50:31,737
Bitch, how the fuck do you think
a 98-year-old man leave a fight?
884
00:50:34,239 --> 00:50:36,575
Quickly and quietly, bitch.
885
00:50:39,244 --> 00:50:41,121
Joe Biden left Afghanistan like this.
886
00:50:42,748 --> 00:50:44,750
[audience laughing]
887
00:50:50,881 --> 00:50:53,091
Joe is doing the best he fucking can.
888
00:50:54,468 --> 00:50:58,096
Give him a fucking break.
Joe is 99 goddamn years--
889
00:50:58,680 --> 00:51:00,682
[laughing continues]
890
00:51:04,144 --> 00:51:06,146
If you lucky enough
to have a great-granddaddy,
891
00:51:06,229 --> 00:51:07,856
call him up right now on the phone
892
00:51:07,939 --> 00:51:12,319
and ask him is he ready to do
12 press conferences tomorrow, bitch.
893
00:51:13,069 --> 00:51:14,696
No, he is not.
894
00:51:19,618 --> 00:51:21,912
I mean, does anyone here
look in the mirror
895
00:51:21,995 --> 00:51:23,413
and feel good about what they see?
896
00:51:23,497 --> 00:51:24,998
-No.
-Yeah.
897
00:51:25,081 --> 00:51:28,418
Yeah. There's usually one guy and Lizzo.
898
00:51:28,502 --> 00:51:30,587
[audience laughing]
899
00:51:33,632 --> 00:51:34,841
You know?
900
00:51:34,925 --> 00:51:36,134
And I get it with Lizzo.
901
00:51:36,218 --> 00:51:38,970
She plays the flute.
It's very sexy. It's cool.
902
00:51:40,472 --> 00:51:43,642
But who's that guy? I mean,
you know those guys that are just like…
903
00:51:43,725 --> 00:51:45,560
[audience chuckling]
904
00:51:51,942 --> 00:51:54,903
Like, the sun is always in their eyes,
you know what I mean?
905
00:51:57,948 --> 00:52:00,283
Always touching their chests, you know?
906
00:52:07,707 --> 00:52:10,252
I'm like, what is the--
What is his morning like?
907
00:52:11,378 --> 00:52:14,005
You know? Does he look in the mirror,
and he's just like…
908
00:52:15,382 --> 00:52:16,800
"Fucking nailed it.
909
00:52:19,803 --> 00:52:22,097
All right. Let's start the day, Jake."
[chuckles]
910
00:52:25,308 --> 00:52:28,061
That is not what my morning is like, okay?
911
00:52:28,144 --> 00:52:31,606
I do everything in my power
to be as attractive as possible.
912
00:52:31,690 --> 00:52:36,152
And tonight, that's to look like one of
Christopher from The Sopranos' friends.
913
00:52:38,530 --> 00:52:39,990
"How you doing?
914
00:52:40,073 --> 00:52:43,368
Hey, Chris, are you gonna talk
to your uncle Tony for me?"
915
00:52:44,160 --> 00:52:47,330
I do everything in my power,
and then I look in the mirror.
916
00:52:47,414 --> 00:52:50,125
And the voice that I hear
when I look in the mirror
917
00:52:50,208 --> 00:52:52,168
is like an English bully.
918
00:52:53,128 --> 00:52:54,629
You know, he's just like…
919
00:52:54,713 --> 00:52:59,551
[imitating English accent] …"Look at you.
You fat fucking iguana."
920
00:53:01,928 --> 00:53:06,016
[normal voice] The voice I hear might be
British action star Jason Statham.
921
00:53:08,351 --> 00:53:11,354
[imitating Cockney accent] "Why are you
so red when you get out the shower?"
922
00:53:12,230 --> 00:53:13,648
[normal voice] "Cause I have eczema."
923
00:53:13,732 --> 00:53:16,610
[imitating Cockney accent]
"Yeah, you got eczemas, don't you?
924
00:53:17,193 --> 00:53:19,654
And what makes the eczema flare up?"
925
00:53:20,572 --> 00:53:21,573
[normal voice] "Dairy."
926
00:53:21,656 --> 00:53:24,534
[imitating Cockney accent] "You're still
eating lots of ice creams, aren't you?"
927
00:53:24,618 --> 00:53:25,619
[normal voice] "Yeah."
928
00:53:25,702 --> 00:53:27,120
[imitating Cockney accent]
"And tree nuts."
929
00:53:27,203 --> 00:53:29,039
[normal voice]
"Yeah, I'm not supposed to eat cashew--"
930
00:53:29,122 --> 00:53:32,208
[imitating Cockney accent] "Yeah, you're
not supposed to eat cashews, are you?
931
00:53:33,209 --> 00:53:35,629
-What are you gonna do about it?"
-[normal voice] "I guess I should go--"
932
00:53:35,712 --> 00:53:37,172
[imitating Cockney accent]
"To the chemist?"
933
00:53:37,255 --> 00:53:38,548
[normal voice] "We call it a pharmacy."
934
00:53:38,632 --> 00:53:41,009
[imitating Cockney accent]
"Yeah, I bet you fucking do.
935
00:53:43,303 --> 00:53:48,808
Why don't you go down to the pharmacy
and get your fragrance-free moisturizers
936
00:53:49,392 --> 00:53:53,396
and get your jumbo pack
of children's melatonin?"
937
00:53:54,397 --> 00:53:55,398
[normal voice] "'The regular--"
938
00:53:55,482 --> 00:53:57,150
[imitating Cockney accent]
"'Cause the regular stuff
939
00:53:57,233 --> 00:53:59,444
makes you groggy in the morning,
doesn't it?
940
00:54:00,654 --> 00:54:02,530
And then you walk out of the pharmacy,
941
00:54:02,614 --> 00:54:04,616
-and what did you forg--"
-[normal voice] "I forgot my eczema--"
942
00:54:04,699 --> 00:54:07,869
[imitating Cockney accent]
"Yeah, you forgot your eczema creams!
943
00:54:08,703 --> 00:54:10,997
So why don't you get the fuck out of here,
944
00:54:11,081 --> 00:54:15,251
you fat, forgetful,
amphibious, red, rashy,
945
00:54:15,335 --> 00:54:20,173
pathetic, Semitic fucking nobody?"
946
00:54:20,882 --> 00:54:23,969
[audience cheering]
947
00:54:25,679 --> 00:54:29,307
And then I look in the mirror
and I'm like, "Let's start the day."
948
00:54:32,602 --> 00:54:35,689
They wanted a dog. I don't want no dog.
You understand?
949
00:54:35,772 --> 00:54:39,317
First of all, dogs got different lives
than they had when I came up.
950
00:54:39,401 --> 00:54:40,402
Understand? I don't dig--
951
00:54:40,485 --> 00:54:43,738
You new dog owners, y'all doing too much.
I'm telling you that right now.
952
00:54:43,822 --> 00:54:45,699
You got 'em in the grocery store,
953
00:54:45,782 --> 00:54:49,452
you walking around with 'em and shit
in little bags.
954
00:54:49,536 --> 00:54:52,664
I flew here first-class
with a poodle next to me,
955
00:54:52,747 --> 00:54:54,457
looking at me like,
"What the fuck you doing here?"
956
00:54:54,541 --> 00:54:56,543
No, bitch, what the fuck you doing here?
957
00:54:57,419 --> 00:54:59,462
Y'all got your mouth in their mouth.
958
00:54:59,546 --> 00:55:01,423
"Oh, my God, I love you so much."
959
00:55:01,506 --> 00:55:04,300
But you won't get the vaccine.
But this right here…
960
00:55:04,384 --> 00:55:06,928
[applause]
961
00:55:07,012 --> 00:55:09,472
But this, "I don't want that in my body!
962
00:55:09,556 --> 00:55:12,392
But my dog,
who's been licking his balls all day…"
963
00:55:13,351 --> 00:55:14,853
Get the fuck out of here.
964
00:55:17,605 --> 00:55:19,607
I was like, "Why did I want a dog?"
965
00:55:19,691 --> 00:55:22,027
You know what I mean?
Like, I had a dog coming up.
966
00:55:22,110 --> 00:55:24,821
And then it hit me.
I went, "I had a dog coming up.
967
00:55:24,904 --> 00:55:26,322
And it was horrible."
968
00:55:26,906 --> 00:55:28,992
One of my biggest childhood pains
969
00:55:29,075 --> 00:55:31,870
is connected to one of my dogs
when I grew up.
970
00:55:31,953 --> 00:55:34,706
I grew up here in Cleveland, Ohio.
I'll never forget. I was about eight.
971
00:55:34,789 --> 00:55:38,793
And I was standing in the doorway,
dog was outside on the tree lawn peeing.
972
00:55:38,877 --> 00:55:43,590
Outside, a car pulls up, opens the door,
grabs the dog, drives away.
973
00:55:43,673 --> 00:55:45,508
-[audience groans]
-I said, "What?"
974
00:55:47,802 --> 00:55:49,846
I said, "Dad, they got the dog!"
975
00:55:51,306 --> 00:55:55,185
This is all my father had to give me
in this horrible moment in my life.
976
00:55:55,268 --> 00:55:56,394
He went, "Aw!
977
00:55:58,772 --> 00:56:01,107
[audience chuckling]
978
00:56:03,568 --> 00:56:04,903
All right, come on in the house."
979
00:56:04,986 --> 00:56:06,404
I said, "Wait a minute!"
980
00:56:08,073 --> 00:56:10,116
I was like, "You're not gonna do shit?"
981
00:56:10,200 --> 00:56:12,494
Now he's mad at me.
"What the fuck you want me to do?
982
00:56:12,577 --> 00:56:13,703
The dog is gone."
983
00:56:14,329 --> 00:56:17,999
I said, "Goddamn. We're not supposed
to care about these dogs!"
984
00:56:19,459 --> 00:56:21,711
For years this haunted me.
985
00:56:21,795 --> 00:56:25,715
And I came up at a time where you didn't
talk to your parents about your feelings.
986
00:56:25,799 --> 00:56:29,135
You just processed that shit through
your own little eight-year-old mind.
987
00:56:29,219 --> 00:56:31,596
And for years,
I would run that through my head.
988
00:56:31,679 --> 00:56:36,476
Like, you know, I understand why
he came out and looked that way.
989
00:56:37,685 --> 00:56:39,938
Because that's the way they drove off.
990
00:56:43,775 --> 00:56:45,735
But what the fuck
you looking back here for?
991
00:56:47,028 --> 00:56:49,948
Like you thought they're gonna
go around the block with the car
992
00:56:50,031 --> 00:56:51,074
and come back with the dog?
993
00:56:51,157 --> 00:56:53,284
"There you go.
I was fucking with you. There's your dog."
994
00:56:56,079 --> 00:56:59,249
Look at Ice Cube.
Ice Cube doesn't wanna get the vaccine.
995
00:56:59,332 --> 00:57:01,876
He was supposed to do
this movie called Oh Hell No,
996
00:57:01,960 --> 00:57:05,880
which, sadly, we'll never see. And…
997
00:57:10,635 --> 00:57:13,555
He was supposed to get the vaccine,
and he wouldn't do it.
998
00:57:14,055 --> 00:57:15,849
But you know what's weird?
999
00:57:15,932 --> 00:57:20,395
A few months before the pandemic,
Ice Cube got a colonoscopy.
1000
00:57:21,187 --> 00:57:23,440
You know what a colonoscopy is?
1001
00:57:24,190 --> 00:57:26,317
Basically, Ice Cube went to the doctor.
1002
00:57:26,401 --> 00:57:28,820
The doctor was like,
"You got a problem in your stomach,
1003
00:57:28,903 --> 00:57:30,697
and we need to do a colonoscopy."
1004
00:57:30,780 --> 00:57:32,365
And he was like, "What's that?"
1005
00:57:32,449 --> 00:57:36,744
And they're like,
"Uh, well, sit down, Ice Cube.
1006
00:57:39,247 --> 00:57:41,749
Basically, you need to drink
a gallon of fluid
1007
00:57:41,833 --> 00:57:43,626
and just shit out everything in your body.
1008
00:57:43,710 --> 00:57:45,462
Just clean out your system, right?
1009
00:57:45,545 --> 00:57:47,464
Next day, you come in,
we'll put you under,
1010
00:57:47,547 --> 00:57:50,675
and we'll shove a rubber hose
up your asshole
1011
00:57:50,758 --> 00:57:52,385
that's got a camera on the end of it.
1012
00:57:52,469 --> 00:57:55,305
We'll go in there, film for a few hours,
and see what's going on.
1013
00:57:55,388 --> 00:57:58,516
And we'll run some tests,
and when we're done, we'll wake you up."
1014
00:57:59,267 --> 00:58:02,562
And he was like, "All right.
Well, do what you gotta do."
1015
00:58:03,605 --> 00:58:05,815
He didn't say any of the shit
he's saying now.
1016
00:58:05,899 --> 00:58:09,068
He wasn't like out there like,
"I gotta understand the science."
1017
00:58:09,861 --> 00:58:13,323
He wasn't out there like,
"My butthole, my rights." No.
1018
00:58:13,823 --> 00:58:18,536
He was passed out
with four strangers around him.
1019
00:58:18,620 --> 00:58:20,538
They were like,
"We're having a little trouble."
1020
00:58:20,622 --> 00:58:22,540
He's like, "You can do it.
Put your back into it."
1021
00:58:22,624 --> 00:58:24,626
[audience chuckling]
1022
00:58:25,418 --> 00:58:29,088
They-- They were in there for hours.
1023
00:58:29,172 --> 00:58:31,174
For hours.
1024
00:58:31,257 --> 00:58:34,594
What were they doing?
Filming a limited series?
1025
00:58:34,677 --> 00:58:38,973
Does season 2 of Queen's Gambit
take place in Ice Cube's large intestine?
1026
00:58:44,312 --> 00:58:45,396
[sighs]
1027
00:58:45,939 --> 00:58:48,983
I don't know
if Ice Cube's had a colonoscopy. Uh…
1028
00:58:50,485 --> 00:58:54,948
But… he's--
1029
00:58:56,324 --> 00:58:59,202
He's over 45 years old.
He should have had one.
1030
00:58:59,285 --> 00:59:02,497
It's-- It's a screening colonoscopy.
1031
00:59:02,580 --> 00:59:04,624
It's to make sure
you don't have colon cancer.
1032
00:59:04,707 --> 00:59:07,252
So, let's hope my joke is true.
1033
00:59:10,338 --> 00:59:14,801
I am breaking the cycle
of generational trauma.
1034
00:59:15,385 --> 00:59:16,803
And it's a lot of work, okay?
1035
00:59:16,886 --> 00:59:18,471
So, here's what I've done so far.
1036
00:59:18,555 --> 00:59:20,974
So, it's like a decade in therapy.
1037
00:59:21,558 --> 00:59:25,228
And then every day, okay,
I wake up, I practice my gratitude,
1038
00:59:25,311 --> 00:59:28,273
and then I drink my coffee, I take a shit.
1039
00:59:28,356 --> 00:59:30,108
[audience chuckles]
1040
00:59:30,191 --> 00:59:35,280
I exercise because the endorphins
from exercise help fight depression.
1041
00:59:35,363 --> 00:59:39,450
And then I adhere to a low-carbohydrate,
high-protein diet,
1042
00:59:39,534 --> 00:59:41,244
I meditate twice a day,
1043
00:59:41,327 --> 00:59:44,497
I feel all my dumb feelings… [sighs]
1044
00:59:47,333 --> 00:59:49,961
…and I am still so fucked up.
1045
00:59:50,044 --> 00:59:53,881
Like, I'm-- [cackles, snorts, exclaims]
I'm so fucking crazy.
1046
00:59:53,965 --> 00:59:56,467
[audience whooping, whistling]
1047
00:59:56,551 --> 00:59:58,761
Thank you. [giggles] Mmm.
1048
00:59:58,845 --> 01:00:00,346
Woo! [chuckles]
1049
01:00:04,017 --> 01:00:06,102
But… [cackles]
1050
01:00:06,185 --> 01:00:09,188
But I'm trying, and I'm in the game.
1051
01:00:09,272 --> 01:00:11,316
And I'm gonna do it, man.
1052
01:00:11,399 --> 01:00:13,651
I'm gonna do it. Yeah.
1053
01:00:13,735 --> 01:00:15,236
[audience cheers]
1054
01:00:17,071 --> 01:00:19,824
Yeah, 'cause my childhood was wacky, like…
1055
01:00:19,907 --> 01:00:24,287
Well, put it this way. Like, growing up,
I couldn't understand, like--
1056
01:00:24,370 --> 01:00:27,999
I couldn't understand those people
who lived at home in their twenties.
1057
01:00:28,082 --> 01:00:30,835
You know, like, dude,
I wanted out at six, bro.
1058
01:00:30,918 --> 01:00:34,005
I was like,
"Where's my letter to Hogwarts?
1059
01:00:34,088 --> 01:00:35,882
Get me the fuck out of this."
1060
01:00:36,633 --> 01:00:41,137
You know, I would have rather lived
with those bitches from The Facts of Life
1061
01:00:42,513 --> 01:00:45,933
and get scissored by that lesbo Jo.
Remember Jo?
1062
01:00:46,601 --> 01:00:49,020
You guys know Jo was a lesbo, right?
1063
01:00:50,021 --> 01:00:52,690
Yeah, 'cause she had a ponytail…
1064
01:00:55,193 --> 01:00:57,445
and she was a…
[imitates deep voice] …mechanic.
1065
01:00:59,197 --> 01:01:02,742
A pussy mechanic, am I right? Yeah!
1066
01:01:02,825 --> 01:01:04,452
[cheers]
1067
01:01:06,871 --> 01:01:09,582
My son's really good at basketball.
He has a nice jump shot.
1068
01:01:09,666 --> 01:01:11,959
He always wants to play one-on-one
with me, but it leaves my daughter out.
1069
01:01:12,043 --> 01:01:14,295
She has nothing to do.
So one day I hand her a little ball.
1070
01:01:14,379 --> 01:01:16,339
I say, "Sweetie,
you play with this ball here.
1071
01:01:16,422 --> 01:01:18,800
When me and your brother are done,
I'll play with you."
1072
01:01:18,883 --> 01:01:20,718
We start playing. She drops the ball.
1073
01:01:20,802 --> 01:01:23,554
It rolls into our game, disrupts us.
We have to stop.
1074
01:01:23,638 --> 01:01:27,684
My son's already in a bad mood,
and he loses his shit.
1075
01:01:27,767 --> 01:01:30,687
Right, he picks up the ball up,
and he's going, "No, no, no, no.
1076
01:01:31,938 --> 01:01:33,856
No, no, no, no, no."
1077
01:01:33,940 --> 01:01:35,775
And I go,
"Whoa, buddy, what are you doing?
1078
01:01:35,858 --> 01:01:38,194
What are you gonna do?
Throw the ball at your sister?"
1079
01:01:38,277 --> 01:01:39,862
He goes, "I'm tired of this, Dad."
1080
01:01:39,946 --> 01:01:42,573
I go, "Buddy, you're 12.
You're not tired of shit, okay?
1081
01:01:42,657 --> 01:01:44,492
I'm tired. I'm tired.
1082
01:01:44,575 --> 01:01:47,995
Me and your mother might get divorced
from what happened at breakfast, okay?
1083
01:01:48,830 --> 01:01:51,082
There's gonna be another guy named Phil
living here in six months.
1084
01:01:51,165 --> 01:01:52,291
Give her the ball back."
1085
01:01:55,086 --> 01:01:57,922
And my daughter's going,
"Lucas, can I have the ball?" Right?
1086
01:01:58,005 --> 01:02:00,842
And I go, "Do the right thing
and hand it to her. Hand it." Right?
1087
01:02:00,925 --> 01:02:04,721
And in anger and disgust,
he bounced it at her hard.
1088
01:02:04,804 --> 01:02:06,723
Hits her nose and lip, splits her lip.
1089
01:02:06,806 --> 01:02:08,850
She's bleeding, screaming, crying.
1090
01:02:08,933 --> 01:02:11,102
And it is an absolute shit show.
1091
01:02:11,936 --> 01:02:15,523
So now I need to console my little girl
and scold my boy at the same time.
1092
01:02:15,606 --> 01:02:17,775
I'm going, "Sweetie, I'm so sorry.
We're gonna clean that up.
1093
01:02:17,859 --> 01:02:21,028
What are you, nuts? She's bleeding
and crying 'cause of your attitude.
1094
01:02:21,112 --> 01:02:22,321
I hope you feel good about that.
1095
01:02:22,405 --> 01:02:23,698
I'm so sorry. Give me one second.
1096
01:02:23,781 --> 01:02:26,284
You wanna play one-on-one?
We're gonna play right now, me and you.
1097
01:02:26,367 --> 01:02:29,370
You wanna play like that with your sister?
My ball first. My house."
1098
01:02:29,454 --> 01:02:31,164
So I back him to the hole hard.
1099
01:02:33,291 --> 01:02:34,584
Back him to the hole hard.
1100
01:02:34,667 --> 01:02:37,670
Layup. One-nothing. Let's go.
Make it, take it. My house. Respect.
1101
01:02:38,463 --> 01:02:42,300
[pants] I get it again. Boom.
Ten-footer. Nothing but net. Swish.
1102
01:02:42,383 --> 01:02:44,260
I go, "You get your shot from me.
Let's go."
1103
01:02:44,343 --> 01:02:45,553
Now he starts getting amped up.
1104
01:02:45,636 --> 01:02:47,180
Guys, on the third possession,
1105
01:02:47,263 --> 01:02:49,265
my son legitimately steals the ball
from me.
1106
01:02:49,348 --> 01:02:51,184
I tried to get it behind my back.
He steals it.
1107
01:02:51,267 --> 01:02:53,811
He starts running towards the hoop.
He's all blushing and into it.
1108
01:02:53,895 --> 01:02:56,022
And he pulls up an eight-footer.
Nothing but net.
1109
01:02:56,105 --> 01:02:57,607
He steps up to me. He chested up.
1110
01:02:57,690 --> 01:03:00,443
He looked at me, and he just goes,
"Let's fucking go."
1111
01:03:00,526 --> 01:03:02,487
[audience laughing]
1112
01:03:02,570 --> 01:03:04,280
[applause]
1113
01:03:11,329 --> 01:03:14,540
"What? What did you just say to me?"
1114
01:03:14,624 --> 01:03:16,042
He goes, "Let's go?"
1115
01:03:16,125 --> 01:03:19,754
I go, "Go sit on the wall for five minutes
and think about what you just--
1116
01:03:19,837 --> 01:03:22,673
I am your father. You never speak to me
like that. Are you out of your mind?"
1117
01:03:22,757 --> 01:03:23,966
I turned and thought to myself,
1118
01:03:24,050 --> 01:03:27,553
"That was the greatest shit
I have ever seen in my fucking life!
1119
01:03:27,637 --> 01:03:28,971
My son is the man!"
1120
01:03:30,640 --> 01:03:33,518
Yeah, one month into COVID,
my mom's flip phone broke.
1121
01:03:33,601 --> 01:03:36,395
And so we bought her
her very first iPhone.
1122
01:03:36,479 --> 01:03:38,272
And if you were to say to me tonight,
1123
01:03:38,356 --> 01:03:43,486
"Jeff, would you rather
teach your mother how to text
1124
01:03:43,569 --> 01:03:46,364
or teach your dog how to wipe his ass?"
1125
01:03:48,366 --> 01:03:50,868
I would probably say,
"Hand me the toilet paper.
1126
01:03:50,952 --> 01:03:52,912
Let me give that a shot."
1127
01:03:55,456 --> 01:03:58,835
The texting has been
a little bit of a challenge.
1128
01:03:58,918 --> 01:04:01,546
And my daughters were
so excited, you know,
1129
01:04:01,629 --> 01:04:05,091
that their gabba was finally texting,
so they're texting her.
1130
01:04:05,174 --> 01:04:07,510
One night, I get a call from my mom,
1131
01:04:07,593 --> 01:04:11,180
and sh-she says to me, "What is 'lo'?"
1132
01:04:13,474 --> 01:04:14,934
I said, "What are you talking about?"
1133
01:04:15,017 --> 01:04:19,564
She said, "Jordan sent me a text,
and at the end of it, it said 'lo.'"
1134
01:04:20,481 --> 01:04:23,901
I said, "How do you spell it?"
She said, "L-O-L."
1135
01:04:24,861 --> 01:04:27,822
I said, "Mom, that's not 'lo.'
That's 'laugh out loud.'"
1136
01:04:27,905 --> 01:04:29,615
I said, "That's what the kids do now.
1137
01:04:29,699 --> 01:04:33,828
Instead of writing everything out,
you know, they just use initials.
1138
01:04:33,911 --> 01:04:37,456
Like 'I-D-K' is 'I don't know.'
'O-M-G' is 'Oh, my gosh.'"
1139
01:04:37,540 --> 01:04:39,000
I said, "That's how they do it."
1140
01:04:39,500 --> 01:04:44,755
Few nights later,
I get a text from my mother that says,
1141
01:04:44,839 --> 01:04:50,761
"I-Y-G-T-T-G-S-I-N-S-K."
1142
01:04:50,845 --> 01:04:52,847
[audience chuckling]
1143
01:04:56,267 --> 01:04:58,728
I'm like, "Oh, God. Mom's had a stroke."
1144
01:05:00,980 --> 01:05:04,400
I called her up and said,
"Mom, what did you just text me?"
1145
01:05:04,483 --> 01:05:07,486
She said, "I was doing like the girls do.
1146
01:05:07,570 --> 01:05:12,033
I said, 'If you go to the grocery store,
I need some ketchup.'"
1147
01:05:15,202 --> 01:05:17,538
Well, of course. Why didn't I see that?
1148
01:05:21,334 --> 01:05:22,460
Orgasms are wild, though.
1149
01:05:22,543 --> 01:05:26,130
The differences between the male orgasm
and the female orgasm, insane.
1150
01:05:26,213 --> 01:05:29,008
Like, the male orgasm, as we all know,
it's very straightforward.
1151
01:05:29,091 --> 01:05:30,092
It's like Mario Kart.
1152
01:05:30,176 --> 01:05:32,678
You just go around the track enough times,
and you've won.
1153
01:05:33,262 --> 01:05:35,431
Whereas the female orgasm,
from what I'm told,
1154
01:05:35,514 --> 01:05:38,392
it's very much like you're entering
a maze, and there's a sphinx,
1155
01:05:38,476 --> 01:05:41,354
and he's like, "I only tell the truth,
and my brother only tells lies."
1156
01:05:41,437 --> 01:05:44,649
And you sort of have to solve that riddle,
1157
01:05:44,732 --> 01:05:46,776
get to the middle of the maze
and defeat the Minotaur,
1158
01:05:46,859 --> 01:05:49,445
and then maybe you'll find the G-spot.
You don't know!
1159
01:05:49,528 --> 01:05:51,822
The way we talk about the G-spot
in this culture,
1160
01:05:51,906 --> 01:05:55,534
it's as thought it moves about the body,
every night, a different location,
1161
01:05:55,618 --> 01:05:57,286
like the Room of fucking Requirement.
1162
01:05:57,370 --> 01:05:59,705
It is absolutely nuts.
1163
01:05:59,789 --> 01:06:03,376
Like, I just don't think
it could be that difficult.
1164
01:06:03,459 --> 01:06:05,795
You only ever hear
it's hard to make a woman come
1165
01:06:05,878 --> 01:06:07,964
in the context
of heterosexual relationships.
1166
01:06:08,047 --> 01:06:09,674
You never hear that from queer women,
1167
01:06:09,757 --> 01:06:12,468
and I wonder what the missing piece
of the equation is.
1168
01:06:12,551 --> 01:06:15,513
-[audience chuckles]
-You know? Like… Like, honestly.
1169
01:06:15,596 --> 01:06:17,056
[scattered applause]
1170
01:06:17,139 --> 01:06:18,140
No, stop.
1171
01:06:20,685 --> 01:06:23,187
I will not let this descend
into "clapter."
1172
01:06:24,772 --> 01:06:27,942
You either laugh and clap or none. Okay?
1173
01:06:28,025 --> 01:06:29,944
[audience chuckles]
1174
01:06:31,904 --> 01:06:35,449
I don't think it could be that difficult,
though, to make a woman come.
1175
01:06:35,533 --> 01:06:38,661
Like, honestly,
I think I could do it. [chuckles]
1176
01:06:38,744 --> 01:06:41,205
-[audience member screams]
-I do. Put me in, Coach. You know?
1177
01:06:41,288 --> 01:06:43,165
Like, I just-- I think I could do it.
1178
01:06:43,249 --> 01:06:45,668
I haven't spent a lot of time down there,
but I love a puzzle,
1179
01:06:45,751 --> 01:06:49,338
so I just feel like I would approach it
like any escape room.
1180
01:06:49,422 --> 01:06:52,383
Just hit all the corners
and then get out of there. You know?
1181
01:06:53,217 --> 01:06:56,512
So with that in mind, ma'am,
if you could come up here on the stool.
1182
01:06:56,595 --> 01:06:59,974
If I could get my beach towel flown in,
please, that would be really great.
1183
01:07:00,057 --> 01:07:02,309
I'm just kidding, but what if I wasn't?
1184
01:07:02,393 --> 01:07:05,563
Like, what if you were watching
this Netflix special, and you were like,
1185
01:07:05,646 --> 01:07:09,859
"Oh, my God. A gay Asian man
just got a woman off live on stage."
1186
01:07:10,735 --> 01:07:12,862
Who said theater was dead?
1187
01:07:15,489 --> 01:07:19,660
I have a lot of new traits now.
I recently went to Chipotle at 10:45 a.m.
1188
01:07:19,744 --> 01:07:20,786
Doctor's orders.
1189
01:07:23,456 --> 01:07:24,915
And when I walked in, I was like…
1190
01:07:25,750 --> 01:07:28,753
'Cause I'm cool. When I walk into
a Chipotle, I'm not-- Up here, I'm all…
1191
01:07:28,836 --> 01:07:31,088
At Chipotle, I'm like--
I get it. I'm like…
1192
01:07:34,717 --> 01:07:35,801
[smacks lips]
1193
01:07:37,386 --> 01:07:39,722
So I walk into a Chipotle,
and the guy working there--
1194
01:07:39,805 --> 01:07:41,932
Yes, a man. Important for the story.
1195
01:07:42,683 --> 01:07:44,185
He's like, "What do you want?"
1196
01:07:44,268 --> 01:07:47,688
And I'm like, "Okay, he wants to have
raw-dog sex with me."
1197
01:07:49,982 --> 01:07:55,488
Now I say, "Hello.
I would like a chicken burrito bowl.
1198
01:07:55,571 --> 01:07:58,866
I know guac is extra,
and I'll take the hottest sauce."
1199
01:07:58,949 --> 01:08:03,287
He goes… [snorts] …"You sure?"
1200
01:08:05,122 --> 01:08:06,165
[moans]
1201
01:08:07,958 --> 01:08:13,422
I was like… [imitating baby voice]
…"Oh, my God. Am I sure?
1202
01:08:15,299 --> 01:08:16,842
Mmm.
1203
01:08:17,927 --> 01:08:20,096
I don't know.
1204
01:08:20,679 --> 01:08:23,307
I never thought about it before.
1205
01:08:23,390 --> 01:08:25,059
[audience chuckling]
1206
01:08:26,477 --> 01:08:29,730
I don't think about big-boy questions
like that.
1207
01:08:30,981 --> 01:08:33,734
I'm just a little girlie.
1208
01:08:33,818 --> 01:08:38,197
I think about little girlie things
like earrings and shoes.
1209
01:08:38,280 --> 01:08:40,324
I don't know about big-boy stuff
like that.
1210
01:08:40,407 --> 01:08:42,701
I'm just a little baby with titties.
I'm just"--
1211
01:08:42,785 --> 01:08:43,953
[sputters]
1212
01:08:45,204 --> 01:08:47,414
[normal voice] Oh, I'm sorry.
I just completely blacked out.
1213
01:08:47,498 --> 01:08:48,582
Did I do something?
1214
01:08:50,292 --> 01:08:52,378
Wait, did I say something annoying?
1215
01:08:55,089 --> 01:08:58,342
Let me be real with you.
You've followed my journey from the start.
1216
01:08:58,425 --> 01:09:00,177
Life hasn't always been show business.
1217
01:09:00,261 --> 01:09:04,014
There's been times in my life where
I've been broke. Like, "broke" broke.
1218
01:09:04,098 --> 01:09:07,309
You know, you ever been so broke you pray?
You ever done that?
1219
01:09:07,393 --> 01:09:09,186
You're not even religious.
1220
01:09:09,270 --> 01:09:11,772
You start praying.
You don't even know how to pray.
1221
01:09:11,856 --> 01:09:14,483
"Uh, yeah. Um, yeah.
1222
01:09:15,067 --> 01:09:17,611
I don't know who's up there.
Buddha, one of you, listen.
1223
01:09:18,362 --> 01:09:20,114
I beg you, please.
1224
01:09:20,197 --> 01:09:24,326
If there's any way that Our Father
can walk through the shadow of death
1225
01:09:24,410 --> 01:09:28,330
and find me some kind of sign for money"--
1226
01:09:28,414 --> 01:09:33,669
Even while you're negotiating
with the Lord, it doesn't even make sense.
1227
01:09:33,752 --> 01:09:36,088
"If you can find me a sign of money,
1228
01:09:36,172 --> 01:09:39,300
I promise I will never swear again
in my life."
1229
01:09:39,383 --> 01:09:40,384
What?
1230
01:09:41,510 --> 01:09:42,511
Real broke, man.
1231
01:09:45,139 --> 01:09:48,559
It's over for white people. It's 100%--
We had a nice run.
1232
01:09:48,642 --> 01:09:53,522
Listen, white people,
we had a nice run, but, baby, it's over.
1233
01:09:53,606 --> 01:09:55,858
Okay? Make no mistake.
1234
01:09:55,941 --> 01:09:59,195
Facedown. Done. Over. Never coming back.
1235
01:09:59,278 --> 01:10:03,407
But, I mean, hall of fame historically.
Really, a lot of good things.
1236
01:10:03,490 --> 01:10:08,204
Also a lot of bad things.
But brush over it, you know?
1237
01:10:08,746 --> 01:10:11,332
But it's over. It's over for whites.
And I knew that.
1238
01:10:11,415 --> 01:10:13,709
I felt that about seven years ago.
1239
01:10:13,792 --> 01:10:18,130
I felt that coming.
I felt the tide turning for the whites.
1240
01:10:18,214 --> 01:10:21,091
I looked in the mirror,
I said, "Uh-oh, SpaghettiO.
1241
01:10:21,175 --> 01:10:22,259
[audience laughs]
1242
01:10:22,343 --> 01:10:25,930
Chris, you are"--
'Cause I am, like, skin-condition white.
1243
01:10:26,013 --> 01:10:28,015
Like, I am supremely white.
1244
01:10:28,098 --> 01:10:31,143
And it's just-- I knew.
So I had to make a decision.
1245
01:10:31,227 --> 01:10:34,897
'Cause I deliberately, on purpose--
Both my daughters are Puerto Rican.
1246
01:10:34,980 --> 01:10:38,234
-[whooping]
-I have-- Yes. Latina children. Thank you.
1247
01:10:38,317 --> 01:10:39,318
Ooh.
1248
01:10:40,945 --> 01:10:44,240
I have Latina kids and-- Again, by design.
1249
01:10:44,323 --> 01:10:48,827
I went out to a bar seven years ago.
It's called "Place to Beach."
1250
01:10:48,911 --> 01:10:51,872
It's still there, actually.
It's in Coney Island, Brooklyn.
1251
01:10:51,956 --> 01:10:53,499
Google it. Yeah, Place to Beach.
1252
01:10:53,582 --> 01:10:57,586
Yeah, I bought my fake vaccine card there
with a mai tai.
1253
01:10:59,338 --> 01:11:00,881
And-- From Vito.
1254
01:11:00,965 --> 01:11:04,760
He's dead of COVID, but what can you do?
1255
01:11:06,512 --> 01:11:09,139
I like doctors.
I like specialists though, you know?
1256
01:11:09,223 --> 01:11:10,891
Like, this is what I don't understand.
1257
01:11:10,975 --> 01:11:13,352
Your foot hurts,
so you wanna go to the foot doctor.
1258
01:11:13,435 --> 01:11:14,603
You phone the foot doctor, he goes,
1259
01:11:14,687 --> 01:11:16,480
"You can't come.
You gotta go to a regular doctor."
1260
01:11:16,563 --> 01:11:18,857
So then you go to the regular doctor,
and he goes,
1261
01:11:18,941 --> 01:11:21,277
"Yeah, you gotta go to a foot doctor.
1262
01:11:21,360 --> 01:11:24,280
Yeah, just pay Agnes 80 bucks
on the way out."
1263
01:11:24,363 --> 01:11:26,448
What is that scam, you know?
1264
01:11:27,199 --> 01:11:28,409
You go, "All right."
1265
01:11:28,993 --> 01:11:31,829
He goes, "While you're here,
want me to take your blood pressure?"
1266
01:11:31,912 --> 01:11:36,250
I'm like, "No, that's fine. I've had my
blood pressure taken about 5,000 times."
1267
01:11:37,001 --> 01:11:38,502
Don't even know what it means.
1268
01:11:38,585 --> 01:11:40,587
They go, "It's 150 over 60."
1269
01:11:40,671 --> 01:11:43,173
I go, "Is that good?"
They go, "It's… I don't know.
1270
01:11:43,257 --> 01:11:44,258
It's all a blur.
1271
01:11:45,009 --> 01:11:46,010
I'm a doctor.
1272
01:11:47,011 --> 01:11:49,847
I'm gonna be hitting your knee
with a hammer now."
1273
01:11:49,930 --> 01:11:53,892
[chuckles]
That's the oddest one to me of all time.
1274
01:11:53,976 --> 01:11:55,644
We haven't gotten past that?
1275
01:11:55,728 --> 01:11:58,564
That's like a cartoon from the 1950s.
1276
01:11:58,647 --> 01:12:01,483
Guy pulls out a hammer,
hits your knee with it,
1277
01:12:01,567 --> 01:12:04,737
and then you go, "Ah, my knee!
Oh, my God, that hurts."
1278
01:12:04,820 --> 01:12:08,866
And then the guy writes down,
"Excellent. Very good."
1279
01:12:09,491 --> 01:12:14,580
That's exactly how you should react
when your knee is struck by a hammer.
1280
01:12:16,498 --> 01:12:20,961
Sometimes, doctors just know smart words.
You ever see those guys?
1281
01:12:21,045 --> 01:12:24,590
Like one time I remember I was real tired.
I had this thing, I didn't know what.
1282
01:12:24,673 --> 01:12:27,760
So I went in, and I say, "Hey, Doc,
I got this thing. I'm real tired."
1283
01:12:27,843 --> 01:12:30,554
He goes, "Sounds like
chronic fatigue syndrome to me."
1284
01:12:30,637 --> 01:12:31,930
I say, "Really? What's that?"
1285
01:12:32,014 --> 01:12:34,266
He says, "Well, 'chronic' means 'always,'
1286
01:12:35,017 --> 01:12:38,020
and 'fatigue' means 'tired,'
1287
01:12:38,687 --> 01:12:43,108
and 'syndrome,'
that means 'something you got.'
1288
01:12:44,526 --> 01:12:48,322
Anyway, you can pay Agnes 80 bucks
on the way out."
1289
01:12:52,534 --> 01:12:55,662
I just like a thick-necked,
ignorant-looking man. That's what I like.
1290
01:12:57,247 --> 01:12:59,833
I like a guy that looks like he'd say,
"Follow the money,"
1291
01:12:59,917 --> 01:13:01,835
when he's talking about the vaccine.
1292
01:13:02,378 --> 01:13:07,716
I want One Direction to do
a BTS covers medley at my funeral.
1293
01:13:07,800 --> 01:13:10,094
Because that way, I'll be glad I'm dead.
1294
01:13:10,594 --> 01:13:12,221
[audience laughs]
1295
01:13:12,304 --> 01:13:14,723
I'm looking for a hot young thing.
Somebody about…
1296
01:13:15,516 --> 01:13:16,558
50.
1297
01:13:16,642 --> 01:13:18,060
[audience laughs]
1298
01:13:18,143 --> 01:13:20,145
The best thing about coming out
as transgender
1299
01:13:20,229 --> 01:13:22,272
is that people have been
so thrown off by this
1300
01:13:22,356 --> 01:13:24,233
that they've totally forgotten
to be racist.
1301
01:13:24,316 --> 01:13:27,069
So it's the best thing
that's ever happened. It's great.
1302
01:13:27,152 --> 01:13:29,321
Every single month, I think I'm pregnant.
1303
01:13:29,405 --> 01:13:30,572
Even if I don't have sex,
1304
01:13:30,656 --> 01:13:34,827
I'm like, "Happened to Mary.
It could definitely happen to me."
1305
01:13:34,910 --> 01:13:37,871
People with children will act like
if you don't have children,
1306
01:13:37,955 --> 01:13:40,541
you not allowed to point out
when they're being a shitty parent.
1307
01:13:42,042 --> 01:13:45,879
The weird thing is,
I wasn't trans before I got the vaccine.
1308
01:13:46,380 --> 01:13:49,007
[audience laughing]
1309
01:13:49,091 --> 01:13:53,929
♪ Don't you hate it
When the hooker turns out to be 17? ♪
1310
01:13:54,012 --> 01:13:56,140
[audience chuckling]
1311
01:13:56,932 --> 01:13:59,309
It's like,
"I'm pretty sure I paid for 16."
1312
01:13:59,393 --> 01:14:01,311
[audience member squeals]
1313
01:14:01,395 --> 01:14:04,940
Being a comedian is not
a psychiatric condition.
1314
01:14:06,108 --> 01:14:09,528
Are many of us also very fucked up,
myself included?
1315
01:14:09,611 --> 01:14:12,364
Yes. But whatever.
1316
01:14:16,285 --> 01:14:18,954
Periodically, if you're lucky,
you might find lasagna in there.
1317
01:14:19,037 --> 01:14:20,330
[audience chuckles]
1318
01:14:20,414 --> 01:14:22,249
-We love you, nigga. Real shit.
-Thank you for the marijuana.
1319
01:14:22,332 --> 01:14:25,252
Yeah, go on. Get down, nigga.
I got one more for you right here.
1320
01:14:25,335 --> 01:14:27,421
-This shit here, that shit there…
-This roll for me?
1321
01:14:27,504 --> 01:14:30,507
This is a Snoop Dogg Netflix production.
1322
01:14:30,591 --> 01:14:32,134
Let's all squeeze together
1323
01:14:32,217 --> 01:14:34,470
'cause I'm sure the regular people
in the front row
1324
01:14:34,553 --> 01:14:35,929
want a picture of the fab four.
1325
01:14:36,013 --> 01:14:38,098
Absolutely not.
1326
01:14:38,182 --> 01:14:39,892
No. Fuck, no. I'm not--
1327
01:14:40,642 --> 01:14:43,979
Recently, comedy has lost Norm Macdonald,
1328
01:14:44,563 --> 01:14:45,647
Louie Anderson,
1329
01:14:45,731 --> 01:14:46,732
Bob Saget,
1330
01:14:47,399 --> 01:14:48,650
Gilbert Gottfried
1331
01:14:48,734 --> 01:14:50,068
and Will Smith.
1332
01:14:50,569 --> 01:14:53,822
[audience laughing, cheering]
1333
01:14:57,534 --> 01:14:59,453
Thank you, balcony. I appreciate it.
1334
01:15:00,871 --> 01:15:02,998
I appreciate you coming
and paying half price.
1335
01:15:03,081 --> 01:15:04,750
I thank you very much. It's--
1336
01:15:04,833 --> 01:15:07,085
Thank you, but shut the fuck up.
1337
01:15:07,169 --> 01:15:10,506
No fucking whooping or--
Just laugh. Thank--
1338
01:15:10,589 --> 01:15:13,008
No, but thank--
But shush. Everyone calm down.
1339
01:15:13,091 --> 01:15:14,468
All right, shut the fuck up.
1340
01:15:14,551 --> 01:15:16,887
You letting a bitch know she done made it.
1341
01:15:17,429 --> 01:15:19,973
Where the sexy ladies at?
1342
01:15:21,683 --> 01:15:24,520
Who ain't got no panties on?
1343
01:15:25,020 --> 01:15:27,189
♪ I smell turkey bacon ♪
1344
01:15:28,065 --> 01:15:30,108
Netflix is letting me know…
1345
01:15:30,776 --> 01:15:31,944
[giggles]
1346
01:15:32,027 --> 01:15:34,571
…that my, uh, one-hour special
1347
01:15:35,697 --> 01:15:38,617
has gone over
by 37 minutes and 30 seconds.