Agh! Ohh!
(DING!)
Argh! Ohh!
A-a-a-a-gh.
We slayed it!
Mwah, mwah!
Is this good television?
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Hello, and welcome to Taskmaster Australia.
I'm an artificially intelligent robot clone of Tom Gleeson.
I've only been programmed to say a few stock phrases,
but I'm happy to announce that one of them is
I am the Taskmaster.
Whoo! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Tonight we're going to watch five Australian comedians
attempt a series of very important tasks.
I'll hand out points for their efforts,
and together we'll figure out
who deserves to win the official Taskmaster trophy.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
The five comedians competing to have this beautiful trophy
don their otherwise accolade-free mantelpieces
are Aaron Chen...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
..Concetta Caristo...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
..Mel Buttle... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
..Peter Helliar...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
..and Rhys Nicholson!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And, finally, sitting next to me on a much smaller throne,
which he had 3-D printed at Officeworks,
is my assistant, Tom Cashman.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
G'day, Tom.
Hi, other Tom. Do I look different?
No.
I've got new contacts.
(LAUGHTER)
You can't... You can't really see them.
They're not in my eyes.
(LAUGHTER)
So, that's...
(LAUGHTER)
That's the number for Marty.
He lives in the apartment across from mine.
And that's the poisons hotline.
(LAUGHTER)
I thought maybe I'd look different, like, more prepared and confident.
Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
Alright, Tom, what's our prize task tonight?
Tonight our contestants have been asked
to bring in what they consider to be
the object that, if they got Pompeii-ed whilst holding,
future civilisations would question.
(LAUGHTER)
OK.
And, so, for anyone who hasn't studied Ancient Rome...
Mm. ..what's being Pompeii-ed mean?
It's when, like, lava comes real quick and it freezes you
whatever you're doing. OK.
Alright, Concetta, what strange item would you be holding?
A bonnet-hood hairdryer attachment.
OK.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) OK.
(APPLAUSE)
See, if you wore the pink bit on your head,
do you know what you'd be thinking?
You'd be like, "Oh, my God,
"did this poor person get attacked by an octopus?!"
(LAUGHTER)
But, like, a severely disabled octopus.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, that octopus is on its last leg.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Alright, Rhys, what did you bring in?
Well, I took the task by the words,
so, I just went simple.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
OK, so, as the lava's coming down the hill,
you'd hold up your cardboard sign...
Yeah, yeah.
..and as the lava came over the top of you
and it set fire and was gone in about a...
No, no, no, no. ..about a minute...
So, you'd actually have no item. You can't see it.
It's made of Teflon and Kevlar.
Alright. Well, Peter, what did you bring in?
I also have a sign. OK.
But it's made from really strong material
that hasn't been invented yet.
I like the Terminator films. OK.
I like a bit of a practical joke,
so, I'm going to have a sign
that warns the future
that something is imminent.
That's why I've got this sign.
(LAUGHTER)
OK. (APPLAUSE)
Because they would have heard of the Storage Wars...
Yeah. ..but they just think
it's just a TV show,
but then somebody has warned them the Storage Wars are real!
In movies like Terminator... Yeah.
..it's people from the future who have knowledge.
They go back to the past and they warn the past.
It's never the past warning the future.
The future know everything.
(LAUGHTER)
It's a fair point. (APPLAUSE)
And the nerds are going to get angry because we keep saying 'lava',
but in Pompeii it was actually ash that landed on people
who were dying due to asphyxiation,
and that cast them and that's why they were all preserved.
And paper can survive ash. Yeah.
Yep. Let's be very clear on that.
Because, to be honest, I was lying about the special material.
(LAUGHTER) It is just paper.
Yeah.
Sorry. They said it was lava.
(LAUGHTER)
I just got corrected again. It wasn't ash.
I got corrected again from your...
(LAUGHTER)
It was ash. It was ash. OK.
I'm being told I won the series.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Mel, what did you bring in?
I brought in something that includes you, Taskmaster.
OK.
Because I wanted the future generations
to look back on a time
when maybe you and I weren't the mega stars of this show
that we are now.
(LAUGHTER) What do you... What do you mean 'we'?
How many Instagram followers you got, cuz?
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Um... I don't know.
It's not relevant, is it?
'Cause you haven't had to scrap around the edges of the industry
just to get a nibble.
Anyway...
(LAUGHTER)
What I want the people of the future to know
is a time when you and I, Tom,
worked together...
Oh, yeah. ..on a Chennel 10 show
that lasted one season.
Oh. Do you remember this one?!
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
I remember this. This was a sketch series that YOU wrote...
Yep. ..but I was just guesting in it.
I was a guest, wasn't I?
I threw you a bone. I...
(LAUGHTER)
OK. Alright. Aaron, what have you got?
I brought in a volcano experiment kit.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Yeah, I think people would be asking a lot of questions.
They'd be like,
"This guy's a loser 'cause he's doing it small
"but he could have just gone outside."
(LAUGHTER)
"Saw it in the big time," that type of thing, you know?
Well, people might even think that THAT was the volcano
that caused you to be Pompeii-ed.
Like, it just spilled out of that tiny one.
Oh, like it was a personal Pompeii. Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah. Your Pompeii-ed yourself.
Yeah. Pompeii for one, you know.
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, so, I am going to give 1 point to Peter Helliar
because I'm worried that his object is extremely flammable.
2 points to Rhys for pretty much the same reason.
And I'm going to give 3 points to Concetta.
4 points to Mel.
I actually remember that sketch being very, very funny.
The people who just ran that show had no (BLEEP!) vision.
(LAUGHTER) So, I'm giving Mel 4 points.
Thank you!
Just for the sheer weirdness of it,
I'm giving 5 points to Aaron Chen
for his volcano experiment.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Alright, I've got that special feeling in my tummy, Tom,
and you know what that means -
you're about to introduce a new task.
(LAUGHTER)
Once again, your torso is correct.
It's 40-love.
There you are. Hi, Pete. Hey, Tom.
Oh! Hello.
You remembered I love tennis!
I love tennis. Oh, do you?
Is this tennis-related?
I want this to come out and not...
Shit!
Roger Federer, Rafael Nadal, Andre Agassi.
What do they all have in common?
They're all men?
"Make the most obnoxiously loud racket with this racquet."
"Your obnoxiously loud racket must commence in exactly..."
"10 minutes."
Your time starts now. Boop!
And, so, you want me to make the loud racket within the 10 minutes
or after the 10 minutes?
All the information you need is in the task.
(APPLAUSE)
Um... Pete, you said, uh...
"Is this something to do with tennis?"
Yeah. This is, uh... one of the early tasks I did,
so, I was just getting into the groove of it.
So, I saw the tennis balls and I saw a tennis racquet,
and I thought, "Hang on a second."
(LAUGHTER)
"This could be tennis related."
Alright, who are we going to see first?
Will they ace it or will they fault-er?
It's Concetta, Mel and Peter.
"You're obnoxiously loud racket must commence in exactly 10 minutes."
Think, think, think, think, think.
What I'll get you to do, Tom,
is hold this, Tom. That's a snare.
It's not the actual task to get the drum names right,
so, let's not focus on that.
What's with these?
Oh, that's what these are for.
Now, this is where it gets fun. Oh.
I haven't played for a while, so... OK.
It has to commence in 10 minutes, doesn't it?
Well, now six minutes and 53 seconds.
OK.
(DRUM BANGS)
Sorry. I'm gonna start thinking with my brain.
I've been thinking with my tits this whole time.
Like, can I go anywhere?
Yeah. Why don't you come?
Where are you going? To over in this place.
(DRUM BANGS)
I'm doing triples now.
Ohh!
Oh, what's the time, Tom? One minute and 22 seconds.
It's not long enough! I haven't had time to think!
Got to keep going.
(DRUM BANGS)
45 seconds left.
Last two.
Ohh!
Did I... Yeah, that hit me. That hit you.
Will you say go? I'll blow my whistle.
When I blow my whistle, that's when the sound can commence.
You finished? Yeah.
Catch you around.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
(LAUGHTER)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-rgh!
I need to administer the task!
I can't tell you anything that's not on the task sheet!
My name's Tom Cashman!
Tom Gleeson's b-o-o-o-o-o-o...
A-a-a-a-a-gh! A-a-a-gh!
(DOOR CLANGS)
Agh! Agh!
(LAUGHTER)
I'm here to administer the task!
(TABLE CLANGS)
(DOOR CLANKS)
(TABLE CLANGS)
(LAUGHTER)
I think I've concluded my task.
That'll do me, Tom.
That'll do me.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
So, you know before, Pete, when you were saying
this is one of the first tasks that you did?
I now believe you.
Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
So, you missed the whole task.
Did you know that you'd missed it?
I'm finding out right now.
(LAUGHTER)
And did Pete make any other sounds after he left?
So, we have some audio
of the next noise that Pete made
into his microphone.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
So, hang on, hang on.
So, the obnoxious racket he made
was whispering an order for a cup of tea?
(LAUGHTER)
I'm actually relieved
because after that I took a dump.
(LAUGHTER)
Mel, I'm concerned about your racqueting.
Thank you.
You were yelling all this stuff into a microphone
while holding a racquet... Correct.
..but I don't think you were actually using the racquet
to make a racket. Ah, OK.
It was "with the racquet," I'm sure. Yep. But I'm with the racquet.
I've got it. I'm with it, baby.
(LAUGHTER) I'm 100% with that racquet.
You've got to listen to...you've got to actually read every word.
(LAUGHTER) Every word. Every word.
Yeah.
Yeah, they nitpick, don't they?
They do. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm not sure that we can actually use your obnoxious words.
We're going to have to use what you actually did with the racquet.
Mel's banging with the racquet was 83 decibels loud.
Ooh. 83. Huge number. That's quite loud.
That's very loud.
Now, Concetta,
how loud was it when you were banging the racquet on those lockers?
I feel like it would have been quite deafening
if you were there in person.
I had AirPods in. I was just listening to Family Guy.
So... (LAUGHTER)
..I didn't hear it in its full...
You were listening to the audio of a Family Guy episode?
Yeah, I like to play the episode on YouTube,
put it in my pocket and listen to it...
(LAUGHTER) ..like a podcast.
So, you're so into radio at Triple J, you listen to TV shows?
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, I think it was deafening. What about you, Tom? You were there.
It was very loud. We measured the decibel levels,
and it was 91 decibels.
Oh! OK. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I should say as well,
obviously, Pete's was the least loud,
but we measured that as well - 32 decibels.
It's disappointing because usually I scream in the face of the help,
to be honest.
(LAUGHTER)
Get me a (BLEEP!) tea! (LAUGHTER)
Is what I would usually say.
Alright, time for you at home
to make some obnoxious noises of your own
while you scream into the void waiting for the show to come back on.
Don't worry, it's only a few minutes.
We'll see you soon for more Taskmaster!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where five Australian comedians
are making themselves the centre of attention
by being as loud and obnoxious as humanly possible.
So far we've heard some medium obnoxiously loud noises
from Concetta and Mel,
and watched a really good practice from Pete.
(LAUGHTER)
Next up - will they have the juice or will they be a double fault-er?
It's Aaron and Rhys!
Obnoxiously loud. Obnoxious.
I mean, my voice, like...
A-a-a-gh!
It's pretty obnoxious.
Let's go to the kitchen. OK.
I would like to record something
and then play it very, very, very, very, very loudly back through...
..like, a big speaker. OK.
I reckon these will be obnoxiously loud to blend.
Wow. Two blenders.
This will make me lose the task.
Maybe I play Tom Gleeson accepting the Logie, I reckon.
(AMPLIFIED) Hello!
This is some of the most obnoxious racket I can make with the racquet.
I don't know much about electrics, but I hope this works.
OK.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
(APPLIANCES WHIRR)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
(BOWLS CLANK)
(ON SPEAKER) Because I like it and I hate it at the same time.
(APPLIANCES WHIRR)
(ON SPEAKER) I can tell you this - I'm not the most popular person
on Australian television.
I know I'm not.
(MIXER WHIRRS)
(ON SPEAKER) The most popular personality on Australian TV
are dating someone from Married At First Sight or the...
(BALLS RATTLE)
Pretty obnoxious!
Thanks, Rhys.
Bye!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
So, Rhys... Yes!
..I think you playing my Logies speech through a speaker
doesn't count.
It wasn't YOU making a racket with a racquet.
It was ME talking at the Logies.
You know how people kind of listen to music when they run
to make them feel kind of it really pushes them through?
Listening to your Gold Logie speech
made me want to smash the shit out of that kitchen.
(LAUGHTER)
OK.
(APPLAUSE)
So, it inspired you to break things. It inspired me to make a racket,
just like you did with that stuck-up Australian industry.
(LAUGHTER)
That you're in.
That I'm in. (LAUGHTER)
And, if anything, I would love to be more involved.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
So, we'll end up having to just count
the sound of you bashing the racquet on the pots and pans.
Sure! The speech doesn't count.
So, how loud was that? That was 86 decibel. Just above Mel.
OK.
(APPLAUSE)
So, Aaron, how did the racquet actually work?
I cut a hole in the racquet
so that I could place the cable through it,
and that would create a counter pressure
in which I could use it to hit that cable
into an extension cord.
(LAUGHTER)
Game. Set. Match.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
What was it like being in the room with that noise?
I would say it was the loudest,
and we measured it at 102 decibels.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
So, that's 1 point for Pete, 2 for Mel, 3 for Rhys,
4 for Concetta and 5 points for Aaron Chen!
OK! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
What's our scoreboard looking like these days, Tom?
It's Aaron with the advantage right now with 10 points!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Alright, let's jump to another one.
(LOW, SLOW VOICE) OK.
Here's another task.
(LAUGHTER)
Hi, Mel. G'day, maggot.
How are you?
Alright.
What am I looking for?
'Mel'!
Ha-ha-ha.
(READS) "Find and record
"someone with the most heavenly speaking voice."
(READS) "You must introduce your heavenly-speaking-voice person
"by using your own annoying voice."
"Your heavenly-speaking-voice person recording
"must include the sentence..."
"How now, brown cow?"
"You have until the studio recording of episode 9.
"Your time starts now"!
But I live in Brisbane.
(LAUGHTER) It's gonna be hard.
What about... (GRUFF VOICE) ..like this?
No. That one's... Is that hot?
Quite nice. Oh!
You should introduce them in the recording using an annoying voice.
That was a bit annoying.
Do you have anyone in mind?
Dame Judi Dench.
Wow. You know her? No.
Oh. (LAUGHTER)
Hello?
Oh!
Could use it as a battery holder, you know?
Pretend that you really need a battery.
Mm-hm.
Oh, Aaron, so glad I ran into you. I really need some batteries.
Do you have any? Nuh.
(LAUGHTER)
See ya later, Tom.
Take it easy, OK?
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Alright, let's see what heavenly voices
our little angels managed to find.
Rhys, we'll start with you, I think.
Yeah. Alright.
So, I've got to introduce it with the most annoying voice,
and I think, to me, that is low talkers.
And, so, to introduce mine, I'm going to say...
(SPEAKS INAUDIBLY)
(LAUGHTER)
"Your heavenly-speaking-voice person's recording
"must include the sentence 'How now, brown cow?'"
You have...
What's his name?!
(LAUGHTER) CREW: Rhys Nicholson.
"Rhys Nicholson,
"you have until the studio record of episode 9.
"Rhys,
"your time starts
"now."
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Wow. Wow.
(APPLAUSE)
I must say it's pretty impressive.
How did you get Rebecca Gibney?
(LAUGHTER)
I genuinely don't know how it happened.
I took a swing, I emailed her.
She'd seen me perform before
and did not stick around.
(LAUGHTER)
And, so, I took the swing and it paid off.
And I want to win so much. I want to win this so much.
I don't care about anything else
because this is the best thing I'm ever going to do in my whole life.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Mel, what do YOU have?
Not Cate Blanchett, that's for sure.
(LAUGHTER)
So, MY person
is also a very large celebrity on this network.
This is me introducing it in my annoying voice,
which, as the listeners
of many radio stations over the years have told me,
and I quote, "Why is that (BLEEP!) fishwife on the radio?"
(LAUGHTER)
Here we go!
Lloyd.
Comedian.
How now,
brown cow.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
It was pleasing to the ears.
It's a straight white man -
your favourite!
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, Concetta, what did you bring in?
(SHRILL VOICE) Introducing my heavenly voice.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh. Hello, Tom.
It's me, Alex Horne, your boss's assistant
and the creator of Taskmaster.
(GASPS)
So, I wanted to check in.
Obviously, your contract is up at the end of the year, so, um...
Yeah. We'll see. We'll see how that goes.
But mainly I just wanted to get in touch to, um...
I'm so sorry. I'm on a farm, and the reception is terrible,
but, um...yeah, it's very important for me to say to you how now...
How now, brown cow?
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
That was like watching the Monkeys watch the Beatles.
(LAUGHTER)
Of course, Alex Horne, creator of this show, that's who that was.
How did you get Alex?
Uh...
We've boned before.
(LAUGHTER)
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Let me start again.
That's how I got Cate Blanchett.
(LAUGHTER)
Wow.
Oh, I just... I also sent an email.
And he'd watched me perform and stayed back.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Alright, Aaron, what have you got?
Can I just say? My mind is blown right now.
(APPLAUSE)
I didn't know you were allowed to use star power.
Um... (LAUGHTER)
If I had known, I would have called Obama, but...
(LAUGHTER)
So, um...
Yeah, I just got a mate.
(LAUGHTER)
(SHRILL VOICE) Every snowman needs a showman,
and my showman's name is Rowan Dix.
He has the most heavenly voice in the world.
How now, brown cow?
(LAUGHTER)
Thank you.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Pretty good.
(APPLAUSE)
Oh, it's tricky, isn't it?
Because he sounded better than Rebecca Gibney.
(LAUGHTER)
Did you say he's a voiceover artist?
No, he is a musician.
He has a podcast.
Do you want to give his podcast a mention? Give him a shout-out.
The Meeting Tree Podcast.
Is that right? Mm.
Yeah. You know Rowan as well.
I know Rowan. Yeah.
Wow. So, we have had a full scale, haven't we?
We've had, like, celebrities,
and then we've had yours and Aaron's mate.
(LAUGHTER)
It's hard to ignore the star power, though, because it was very exciting
because you've got the story behind it.
Mm. Oh.
PETE: Tom? Yes.
Can I show mine?
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
I mean...
I know I'm only on 2 points...
(LAUGHTER)
..but I would like to play the episode out.
(LAUGHTER)
Can I go now? Yes, you can go now.
Now, Tom, I mentioned when I got the envelope...
Yeah. ..a certain name - Dame Judi Dench.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
She recorded one for me.
Wasn't happy with her performance. I scrapped it.
(LAUGHTER)
But then I heard a voice out in the street one day,
and I thought, "I need to record you. You have a heavenly voice."
So, there's no video.
We're just going to have to listen.
OK.
So, I'm going to introduce the way I would order a tea...
(LAUGHTER) ..um...normally.
OK?
(YELLS) Play the bloody audio!
(LAUGHTER)
(RECORDING) I'm glad you find my voice so angelic.
And I hope Taskmaster feels the same.
I guess all I need to say now
is how now, brown cow?
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Removing the visual helped me luxuriate in the sound of the voice.
But I stripped it back
and it was the most heavenly voice I've ever heard.
Who was it?
Do you not know? No.
Are you joking?
(LAUGHTER)
Well, it's just a bit embarrassing because my wife might be watching,
and I don't want to say that I found someone else's voice attractive.
I've got you covered
because it WAS your wife.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
I'm in a bit of a pickle now, aren't I?
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, well, I'm giving Concetta 1
because I didn't enjoy the sound of Alex Horne's voice at all.
Mm.
Which, you know, could be a career-limiting move,
but...
..I've got another TV show.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm gonna give 2 points to Aaron Chen... OK.
..because I just don't like podcasts in general.
Right.
So, it's more about the content that he does outside the show.
OK.
I've always enjoyed the sound of Lloyd Langford's voice.
OK. So, 3 points to Mel.
I'm giving 4 points to Cate Blanchett between gritted teeth.
And I'm going to give 5 points to Peter Helliar
mostly so I can say on national TV
my wife's voice is sexier than Cate Blanchett's.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
If that task was enough to get you believing in heaven,
then here's a break so you can look up
your nearest non-denominational place of worship.
Just make sure they're not one of the dodgy ones.
We'll see you after this!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia,
the show that tackles the most important questions facing society,
like if you get caught in a volcanic eruption,
what would be the funniest way to die?
Alright, lesser Tom,
we just finished a task before the break.
So, what should we do now?
It's our last team task for the season.
(ALL GASP)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
Tom.
Oh! Cute!
What gorgeous headshots.
Aww.
"Kill these women.'
(LAUGHTER)
I want to kiss them all.
You're going to have to get all this positivity out of your system.
I like the sound of that, Tom.
(READS) "Make a disinformation video
"that smears the reputation of the other team."
(READS) "The video that smears the other team the most wins."
"You have 60 minutes.
"Your time starts now.
Well, Rhys has already done it.
OK, so, Aaron - disinformation. What's coming to you?
I'm not going to say it. OK.
I'll never work again.
What if he's racist to Italians?
She's Italian.
(LAUGHTER) That's true, though.
RHYS: Look into their history.
Should they have something paranormal?
Ah.
Should we say Rhys has, like, udders?
Yes. Yes!
Udders are paranormal?
Didn't even have to run that past me.
I believe she was kicked off the set of the baking show.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
What did she do to get kicked off Bake Off?
We'll make the video and you'll find out.
(WHISPERS) She shat on a cake.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
See? See?
(APPLAUSE)
OK.
The team tasks are back,
so we've got Ernie and Bert versus the Muppets.
(LAUGHTER)
What smear campaign should we see first?
It's the Sesame Street Press -
it's Concetta and Mel!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
We interrupt your program tonight
to bring you some news from the Australian 7:00PM Factual News
Reported By The Government.
I'm Sarah... (LAUGHS)
(BLEEP!) I'm just going to go... Shut up.
You're a nightmare. I'm Sarah Paprika.
And I'm 47.
News just in.
Peter Helliar has been discovered
that his 20-plus-year career
has been held up by a monkey.
He has had his jokes written by a monkey this whole time.
And he has made a statement to media that he likes upskirting.
Shocking stuff, Sarah.
I wouldn't do it. Mm.
Sham comedian Aaron Chen
has made the news tonight for his sham marriage.
It's a marriage of convenience, unfortunately,
which has been proven to be not real.
The proposal, the dress, the whole caboodle -
absolutely fake.
Even more shocking news and disturbing -
the RSPCA is aware of some animal cruelty
or some cruelty near an animal
where Aaron was caught doing a wank near a seagull later this afternoon.
He was caught... Oh!
Sorry, we've just got some breaking news.
Comedian Rhys Nicholson
has been caught with udders that are...
(LAUGHS) Sorry.
That are regularly milked in secret by Peter Helliar
for Aaron Chen to drink and get big and strong.
Mm. Disturbing stuff, Sarah. (LAUGHTER)
And that's the news for tonight.
Stay tuned for what's coming up next on your favourite station.
We're the Australian 7:00PM Factual News Report From The Government.
I'm 47.
I'm Sarah Paprika.
Goodnight.
(APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHS)
Um... I'm... Sorry. I just dropped my phone.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
It was a good effort, Ernie and Bert.
I'm worried I'm gonna have to deduct points, though,
'cause there was no disinformation there at all.
(LAUGHTER)
I don't think you complete the task
if you just say all these true things about our colleagues.
I think we should maybe have a look at the Muppets' effort.
Let's do it. It's our last jaunt with the Muppets.
Here's Aaron, Pete and Rhys.
PETE: The leading ladies of Aussie comedy,
Mel Buttle and Concetta Caristo,
have had audiences rolling in the aisles for years,
but now many are asking,
"Is it time for the laughter to stop?"
Rhys Nicholson has more.
Tonight I'm at the home of Mel Buttle and Concetta Caristo,
two women in comedy at the top of their game.
But are they playing the rules of the game?
What is the game? Is it a family game?
We caught up with Australian icon Maggie Beer
to tell us what happened on the set of The Great Australian Bake Off.
Mel Buttle took a dump in one of my quince paste tubs...
(LAUGHTER)
..and then shared it with the crew.
Mel! Get away from me, you arsehole!
I don't know about anything! Answer the question!
Why did you shit in the cake?!
I don't... Why did you shit in the cake?!
It was enormous.
It was a lot of poo.
A lot of poo.
We now turn our gays and lesbians onto the story of Concetta Caristo.
She's not even Italian.
She's taking away the roles from real Italian guys like us.
And what are we left with?
The Chinese roles!
(SPITS)
Concetta! Concetta!
Is it true that you're not really Italian?
(ITALIAN ACCENT) How can you say this? I am Italian, I love pizza?
What's your favourite landmark in Italy?
I'll get back to you!
Can you put pineapple on a pizza? Concetta!
Yeah, we're after any information any of the public has
involving these comedians -
Mel Battle and Concetta Crystal.
We're now giving you a list of alleged things
that they've been involved in.
It is... This is not a finished list.
We're adding to it every day.
So, please call the number on your screen for any help.
Yeah, man, it's a lot.
It doesn't even mention the Maggie Beer quince paste incident.
Mm. That was revolting.
Sure, it's all been giggles for these girls,
but what Aussie audiences are now saying is, "Please, stop the crimes
"and crapping into tubs of Maggie Beer Quince Paste.
"She deserves better."
So do we all.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Alright, Pete, it's good to see the wigs are back.
Absolutely. Absolutely. (LAUGHTER)
Good to see Aaron adopting some wigs as well.
Yes. That's right.
I mean, it's... I'm not sure how Aaron and Rhys feel,
but this is episode 9 now,
and we've kind of developed a bit of a bond.
But to see that report, to see...
Like, we've shared meals...
(LAUGHTER)
..and you offered me some Maggie Beer Quince Paste...
(LAUGHTER) ..at lunch yesterday,
and I thought, "This tastes different."
Pete... (LAUGHTER)
(QUIETLY) ..we just made that up.
(LAUGHTER)
No, we didn't.
(LAUGHTER)
No, no, no, we did because it was disinformation.
I don't get it.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, I feel like they were both actually really good,
but I reckon Ernie and Bert had it by just a smidge.
So, I'm going to give Ernie and Bert 5, 5,
and the Muppets 4, 4, 4.
OK.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
OK, in light of recent allegations,
we're going to start a short break
so Channel 10 can do an internal investigation on our contestants.
We'll be back shortly!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
Welcome back to Taskmaster, everyone.
Lesser Tom, have you got another task for us?
Sure do. It's time for us to give you a hiding.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
CONCETTA: Tom?
Don't make me do this without Tom.
(READS) "Hide from Tom inside one of these five items."
(READS) "Tom will emerge from the shed in exactly two minutes."
(READS) "And make an accusation from the mat."
(READS) "If he is correct,
"you've been found and must reveal yourself."
(READS) "If incorrect,
"Tom will return to the shed and admonish himself for 20 seconds
"before returning to make another accusation."
"The process will repeat until you are found."
"Most accusations wins."
"Your time starts now."
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
OK, so, essentially, it's hide-and-go-seek
with some annoying structure added to make it not hide-and-seek.
Mm. OK. Alright.
Whose attempt are we going to see then?
Will they stick out like a sore thumb
or will they blend in like normal thumbs,
which, as we all know, are very elusive?
It's Aaron, Concetta and Mel!
I used to be in the closet. Then I came out.
Whoo! Done. OK.
I'm not a guinea pig, so, I'm not going in there.
He's gonna know that I want to go there.
It's called the red herring.
I don't know!
Agh.
Am I...
..obscure?
Two minutes!
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
I accuse you of being in the tent.
(BUZZER)
I accuse you of being in the kennel.
(BUZZER)
I accuse you of being in the bathtub.
(DING!)
Could you see? Yep.
What part did you see?
Your knees.
(LAUGHTER)
You're an idiot! How do I get away?
Obviously she wasn't in the tent!
Of course Mel didn't go in the kennel!
She's not an animal!
God damn it! Idiot!
Do better next time!
God!
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
What?
(LAUGHTER)
Hey!
Hi, Concetta.
That wasn't two minutes.
That's bonkers!
I was in there for 20 seconds
admonishing myself.
Not again.
I accuse you of being
in none of the items
in front of the cupboard.
Again, reading wrong has undone me.
I accuse you of being in the closet.
(BUZZER)
I was going to go in the tub,
but I think you'd see me, OK?
I can see you. You can see me?
Yeah. Smart.
If you couldn't see, do you reckon you would have guessed?
In another world where I couldn't see that you were in the bathtub?
Yeah. I'm not sure.
But the fact that I could see that you were in the bathtub
was a big part of why I guessed the bathtub.
I accuse you of being in the tent.
(DING!)
Maybe. How do you think you went?
Uh... Pretty good!
Is there a reason you removed
one of the possibilities from contention?
What do you mean?
(APPLAUSE)
So, Mel, was your tactic just to climb in the tent and have a sleep?
I was exhausted, it was very cold.
Did you hear the, uh...
Nope. I had no idea what had happened.
And then I thought it was part of the task.
And when I came out of the tent
and you were like, "Why did you remove the thing?"
I was like, "Oh, because I'm... Yeah, I...
"On purpose!"
I thought it was a very elaborate double trick...
Correct. ..that you put it on the cupboard.
I thought production, I thought the director and stuff said,
"Oh, Mel, when you're in the tent, heaps of ducks got in
"and flicked all the balls out."
And I was like, "Is this another trick?"
"Is this..."
Where I'm meant to go up to you and go, "Yeah, a duck did it,"
and you're like, "Egh! No, that's not part of the task.
"A duck can't help you," that's what...
(LAUGHTER)
Anyway, I've upped my meds and we're all good.
OK.
So, Concetta, why did you change from the bath?
Why did you give up on that?
I just had an instinct that it wasn't right.
And then I ended up being right.
I think you said you could see my big fat ass.
(LAUGHTER)
Um... Those were not my words.
(LAUGHTER)
So, Aaron, you said that you hid in the bath...
Yeah. ..as a red herring.
But a red herring is something you place for someone to see...
Yeah. ..to distract them.
So, I put the task card in front of the bath...
Right. ..which I hid in,
which is a double red herring.
Can I say that is the kind of red herring
that would have worked
had I not been able to literally see him in the bath?
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, let's see who else you got.
We know they're an expert at hiding bodies.
Can they hide their own? It's Rhys Nicholson!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
I accuse you of being in the closet.
(BUZZER)
You're an idiot!
I accuse you of being in the closet.
(BUZZER)
The same guess twice in a row!
Of course that wasn't gonna be correct!
I accuse you of being in the closet.
The same guess three times in a row!
You're trying to be clever, but you're just a fool!
I accuse you of being in the kennel.
(BUZZER)
(LAUGHTER)
What the...is going on with this guy?
Well, la-dee-da!
Look where we are again!
I accuse you of being in the ball pit.
(BUZZER)
Look at you! You've made how many guesses, four, five?
You've lost count,
that's how many incorrect guesses you've made in a row.
I accuse you of being in the tent.
(BUZZER)
Tom, don't turn around,
but how long do we do this for?
As long as it takes.
One of the things was open,
and you still got it incorrect!
I accuse you of being in the tent.
(BUZZER)
A fun fact - I lost my virginity in a tent.
(LAUGHTER)
Little something-something for everyone playing at home.
Come on! Try harder! Use logic!
I accuse you of being in the closet.
(BUZZER) You idiot!
Get it right this time!
I accuse you of being in the tent.
(DING!)
Hey, Tom!
Hi, Rhys.
Good boy!
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
You just wanted to say I was in the closet most, I think.
I thought that maybe that's a joke that you would go for.
Yeah, yeah.
And then once I'd said it once, I thought,
"Ooh, it would be a double trick
"for you to go in there after I just guessed it."
Yeah, yeah.
And then the third time I thought, "Oh, it'll be a triple trick."
Like, now you're REALLY gonna think...if I didn't say it. Yeah, yeah.
And then, at that point, I was sick of guessing.
Yeah. But you've ignored the fact
that there's a pit of balls over there.
(LAUGHTER)
Where would I prefer to be now in my life, Tom?
In the closet
or surrounded by balls?
You're always one step ahead.
I am thinking a lot about Peter Helliar jumping into that ball pit.
What do you think I should guess first for Peter Helliar?
Kennel.
OK.
Bye! See ya.
(APPLAUSE)
Rhys, you are very good at hiding.
And also very good at looking like a Cluedo villain.
Yes!
Now it's time for you at home to go and hide.
And I'll give you a few minutes head start.
You better find a good hiding spot
because I'm coming for you, and I'm bloody good.
We'll be back soon!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where we've been making contestants hide in one of five objects.
(LAUGHTER) Just good, honest fun.
That's right.
So far Rhys Nicholson is out in front in the lead,
and they also gave me a bit of a clue.
Next up we've got Pete Helliar.
I think he's going to not expect me to be in here.
(GROANS)
Oh!
I accuse you of being in the kennel.
(DING!)
(LAUGHTER)
How did you know?
Rhys told me.
(APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHS)
Well, that's disappointing. I really...
I was in here chuckling to myself,
thinking, "This is bloody brilliant."
Mm.
Would you like to get out of the kennel?
It's like I'm being born again.
When I said, "Would you like to come out?" I imagined you coming out the top.
Can you go through the top?
Yep. Really?
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Sorry!
I...
I'll forgive you one day, but it's going to take some time.
I only said kennel 'cause I was calling you a dog.
I know.
I know. No, I really thought,
being a man of girth,
you won't expect me to crawl through that,
not knowing you could go through the top with the lid...
(LAUGHTER)
..you won't expect me to be able to crawl through,
and I was just having a bloody good time in there going,
"Oh, you're winning Taskmaster, Pete," and...
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, well, I think we should look at the scores.
Aaron and Pete both were found with one accusation,
Concetta needed two accusations, Mel three,
and Rhys was found after nine accusations.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
So, that means Aaron and Pete get 2 points,
Concetta 3 points, Mel with 4,
and Rhys takes out the task with 5 points!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Alright, lesser Tom, I think we need a scoreboard update, please.
They're the current leaders on 18 -
it's Aaron, Rhys and Mel!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Alright, live task time. Let's party up to the stage!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I shouldn't have to ask,
but give the task to someone to read, please, lesser Tom.
Rhys, could you please read the task?
(READS) "In teams whilst wearing your VR headset
"communicate to the Taskmaster the scene you're seeing.
"One team member may only mime actions relating to their scene.
"One team member may only make sound effects with their mouth
"relating to their scene.
"And for the team of three, their oldest member..."
(LAUGHTER)
Mate, are you alright? Sorry, Aaron.
Yeah.
"..your oldest member
"may only say 'wow'
"over and over again."
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
"Each team will get one round of five scenes to communicate about.
"Most scenes communicated to the Taskmaster wins.
"The team of two will begin on Tom's whistle."
Could the team of three please sit down on the couch?
And we're going to activate the team of two's VR goggles.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
No moving, Mel. (IMITATES SPUTTERING)
(LAUGHTER)
Parachuting? (DING!)
Alright.
(IMITATES SWOOSHING)
OK. Uh... Skiing?
(DING!)
(IMITATES MOTOR)
Oh!
(IMITATES MOTOR)
Lock in the beach.
(BUZZER)
(LAUGHTER)
(IMITATES STATIC)
Uh...
Astronauts. (DING!)
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Ohh!
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
(SPEAKS NONSENSICALLY)
The bathroom?
(BUZZER) (BLOWS WHISTLE)
(APPLAUSE)
Team of three, please step up to the plate.
Scene one.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Oh, wow. (LAUGHTER)
Wow! (LAUGHS)
Uh...
Train. (BUZZER)
(IMITATES SWOOSHING)
Oh, wow.
(LAUGHTER)
Uh...
River.
(IMITATES SWOOSHING) Rapids.
Canoeing in the rapids. (DING!)
Wow!
(LAUGHTER)
Lock in scuba diving. (DING!)
(CHORTLES) Oh, wow!
(IMITATES SCRAPING)
(BARKS)
(LAUGHTER)
(IMITATES SCRAPING)
(BARKS)
Paper delivery.
(BUZZER)
(SPEAKS NONSENSICALLY)
(LAUGHTER)
(SPEAKS NONSENSICALLY)
Wow!
(LAUGHTER) (SPEAKS NONSENSICALLY)
Soccer stadium.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Alright, I guess I'll find out what I got right and wrong
after the break!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
You're just in time for our magic trick,
where, with just a few words,
we will transform five ordinary Australian comedians
into something extraordinary -
one winner and four massive losers.
We're going to need some scores for that live task,
please, lesser Tom.
So, Ernie and Bert, you got two correct and one quite close.
Snowboarding was their clue. You said skiing.
How about the Muppets?
They made you get two correct.
So, I suppose it's a matter of whether snowboarding and skiing
is close enough for you to...
I wouldn't think so. ..give that the difference.
They are fierce rivals.
You go up in the slopes...
Am I right? Snowboarders and skiers, fierce rivals. Hate each other.
Alright, well, I think, to split the difference,
I'll say that skiing and snowboarding is close enough.
I'll make it half a point. So, the clear winners - Ernie and Bert.
OK.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
But in terms of their skill level of executing that live task,
about the same, so, I'm going to give 5, 5, and 4, 4, 4.
OK.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And now, for the main event,
would you please tell us who our winner is tonight?
Well, after doing some maths,
Aaron, Pete, Rhys and Concetta did really, really well.
But for Mel, VR stands for very remarkable
because you've won the episode!
Yay! Yay! Oh, my gosh! Wow!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Congratulations, Mel!
Please, head up to the stage and enjoy your prizes!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
OK, now, other Tom,
give me an update on the season scores.
Well, at this stage, Aaron is still in the lead
and Mel is still in last place.
And, with only one episode to go,
it's going to be very difficult for Mel to catch up.
I don't want to say impossible
because I still want her to come next week,
but her only hope really
is everyone else doesn't come this week.
(APPLAUSE)
So, what did we learn tonight?
We learnt a crapload of career-ending stuff
about all five of these sickos.
We learned that the Taskmaster dog kennel has multiple entrances,
but, most importantly,
we learned that Mel is the winner of episode 9.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
See you all next week!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Welcome to the grand finale of Taskmaster Australia Season 3.
Argh! Yes!
Oh! You dog!
You weren't looking for any patterns or trying to solve any puzzles?
I don't think I did that the whole season.
You're a naughty, bad, bad boy!
Eugh! I don't know what's happening.
By the end of this show we will have a series champion.
(APPLAUSE)
Tom, if it affects the points,
I'm pissing my pants right now.
(LAUGHTER)