DISTORTED MUSIC
This programme contains strong language and adult humour
CHEERING
Go on, Steve!
If he does that again, I'm going in.
That's disgusting. He's like a dog.
Come on, you loved it when you were little.
Oh, it's hot today, innit, kids? Hot, hot, hot.
SHE SWALLOWS LOUDLY
Oh, my God. Do you have to swallow so loudly?
I'm sorry, right, I can't stand it. I'm going in.
We'll come back out for cake.
Just ring us, we'll have our headphones on.
SHE SWALLOWS LOUDLY
Hey, Siobhan, come here a minute.
What, can't walk now you're 50?
Be dribbly wees next.
Do I swallow loudly? Listen.
SHE SWALLOWS
Have you taken your medication?
I'm not on medication. Exactly.
Oh, guess what happened at work today.
An alien turned up said they'd all heard
about your fascinating work story.
I was on the tills and this bloke dropped a bag of peas,
and the bag split and the peas went everywhere.
Leave it, Lin. Let it go. Have a day off. It's your birthday!
No, no, no. This won't take long.
So I said, "That's OK, mate. You leave it. I'll sort that out."
Doesn't look up from his phone,
doesn't acknowledge my existence in any way at all.
But then, oh, then, he looks at this attractive woman behind him
and he goes like this. He goes, "Huh!"
SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE
Siobhan. He goes...
SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE AND SIGHS
And then she rolls her eyes as well. She was a right bitch.
I mean, I know you shouldn't say women are bitches,
but some of them just are, aren't they?
Anyway, so then I'm down on my hands and knees with a dustpan and brush
and he goes, "Are you going to be much longer, love?
"I've got better things to do than watch you sweep up, peas."
So I look up and he's now scratching his balls, like that.
Sorry, Annie, a man in the shop.
Anyway, I nearly faint,
because you know what I'm like with men's genitals.
Why don't you have a nice drink
and a little break from speaking?
Anyway, then I get back to my chair
and there's only blood all over it where I've leaked on it.
So him, he sees it and he recoils in horror.
I thought, "Oh, I'm not having that after I've swept your peas up."
So I looked at him and I said, "Oh! Oh, you can see me now, can you?"
And then I looked at her and I goes,
"Yeah, and you'll be invisible soon enough an'all."
Ooh, it's nippy when the sun goes in, innit?
I get a creek in my neck.
Crick.
Ey?
Crick. You said creek.
Yes. I'm going to get a creek in my neck from the wind.
It's crick.
Are you OK?
Yeah. Are you OK? I am, yes.
SHE SWALLOWS LOUDLY
It was so great for Steve to organise all of this for you.
You're lucky to have him.
Hmm. Well, I invited everyone.
Got all the shopping, cooked it.
Baked my own cake, chose my own present,
wrapped it up and now I'm clearing up.
But...
But, yeah, yeah.
I have had a really nice time.
Lin, Lin, any more sausages?
Yeah. Do another one! Go on, Steve! Here he goes.
Go on!
RAUCOUS CHEERING
WATCH BEEPS
All right, let's have a bit of hush, please.
I'd like to say a few words now about my dear lady wife.
Oh, no, no, please. Linda, it's your 50th!
I hate it, though!
The birthday queen, Linda Jane Jenkins.
You...
...are well fit...
...for your age and great mum.
So, three cheers for Linda.
Hip, hip... Hooray!
Steve-o! Oh, go on.
Get it, go on.
CHEERING
Nice one, Steve. woo!
WATCH BEEPS
Come on, babe.
No, leave that. I'll do it in the morning.
Mum wants to cut the cake now.
Oh, does she? Oh, we'll cut it now, then, shall we?
Is everything OK?
Couldn't you think of anything else to say about me?
Ey?
Nothing.
Can you get the cake...
...knife thing, please.
The what? It's, it's got...
It's flat, it's triangle.
You cut a slice of cake with it, and then it catches it underneath it.
What? The cake knife thing!
What are you talking about?
It's OK. I'll get it. You tidy up outside.
Got it! Here we go.
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Merry Christmas, everybody!
Go, limbo!
Ah, my back's gone! No, seriously, my back's gone. What?
My back's gone.
Lin, Lin, my back's gone!
Lin, Nurofen!
Get the Nurofen!
Hurry up, Linda, we're losing him!
CREAKING
ROCKING CHAIR CREAKS
Is that case you fall off the chair, or...
Hmm?
Oh, God.
I'm always forgetting to take it off.
HE CHUCKLES
How are you, Linda?
Yeah, OK.
There's just a couple of niggly little things that I wanted to...
Well, I can only address one issue per appointment.
I think I might have early onset dementia,
osteoporosis, ringing in my ears when I'm stressed,
anxiety, depression, cardiovascular disease,
and a strange mental disorder involving loss of nouns.
Well, that's quite a list.
And you're 50 now?
How are your moods? Fine! How are yours?!
Any irritability or rage?
Well, nothing unjustified.
Well, this all sounds like the menopause to me, Linda.
The menopause?
So it was the one issue, then?
Just need to get on top of your symptoms, and you'll be tiptop.
I'll print out a fact sheet for you.
God, how did I not know that?
Some women find the shift in hormones liberating.
My wife's taken up extreme climbing.
She hangs off cliffs at weekends now. Ah!
I used to love climbing.
She's currently in in the Yorkshire Dales.
HIS VOICE FADES OUT
Vaginal dryness? Sorry.
Any vaginal dryness?
No. Loss of libido.
Still in the honeymoon period.
Well, let me know when you're not and I can prescribe testosterone.
No, it's fine, really.
It improves sex drive, but it also...
Can we drop the sex talk, please, doctor?
I get it. You can prescribe me something to keep me wanting sex.
I didn't actually ask for that, but good to know.
Thank you. Goodbye.
And how is Steve?
Not in my ten minutes, Doctor.
Not in mine.
Thanks then, bye.
He's fine, thank you.
APPLIANCES RUMBLE
WATCH BEEPS
RUMBLING AND WHIRRING SWELLS
RUMBLING FADES
HIGH-PITCHED WHINE
RUMBLING
Hang on, hang on. HE CRUNCHES
You're leaving me because I didn't match up the Tupperware?
Not just because of that, no.
And I'm not leaving you. I'm just going away on my own for a bit.
Well, then why then? I just told you why.
Yeah, but I didn't hear you. These are twice baked.
I'm sorry. They're really crunchy.
WATCH BEEPS
I'll tell you again why I'm leaving.
But if you interrupt or zone out,
I am going to leave you a note instead.
I'm not going to interrupt.
I'm not going to zone out.
I swear.
I don't know for how long, Mum, she didn't say.
She won't pick up.
She said I'll just ask her where things are.
She's been saving up.
She says there isn't anyone else.
She's gone to look for some time capsule in a tree.
She says she wants to be more than just
someone's wife or mother for a while.
I'm not being a gullible dick, Mum.
Yeah, well, apparently she's been adding up all the so-called
invisible work she's done over the past 25 years...
ENGINE REVS
...and writing it all down in a ledger.
Every chore, every second, every minute.
Yeah.
And she's taking some of that time back now.
♪ When I first came to town
♪ They called me the roving jewel... ♪
What do you mean, you wish you'd done that more?
♪ Now they've changed their tune... ♪
And this bit's weird.
She said an Incredible Hulk plaster gave her a sign.
And that the Hulk is the only menopausal role model
in the history of TV and film.
It's not funny, Mum. I can't find the towels.
♪ Through the woods I go And through the boggy mire... ♪
I blame Dr Spence, putting ideas into her head.
♪ Till I come to my heart's desire. ♪
Well, Dave said lots of menopausal women become selfish
when their oestrogen runs out.
Yeah, she's taken the old beast.
No, not Siobhan, Mum.
A Triumph.
She doesn't care what people think.
She said, I can tell them whatever I want.
LAUGHTER
Lin's got cancer.
FIDDLE PLAYS
Yur's a biker ol'bur?
Sorry? Tha's yur biker ol'bur?
Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't know what you're saying.
I is asking you if you are a biker.
Oh, am I a... Yes.
Yes, I am.
OK. Nice to meet you. Bye.
UNINTELLIGIBLE SHOUTING
LAUGHTER
HE SIGHS
There you go. Thanks, Car. Cheers, Car.
Small, medium or large?
Small, medium or large!?
Oh, sorry. I was miles away there.
I've come for the caravan, actually, not the eels.
CUTLERY DROPS
What?
Uh, I'm sure they're delicious.
It's just, I'm a vegetarian, that's all.
And I'm not hungry at all.
Vegetarian townie here's come for Father's caravan, Agnes.
Oh, aye?
How long for?
Oh, 44,000 minutes, maybe?
Oh, sorry. Force of habit.
Maybe a month?
Just passing through here, then.
Listen here, vegetarian town mouse.
See that tree o'er there?
It's been here hundreds of years.
Just like our forefathers. And formathers.
Sorry, which one?
I am that tree. And Caramel here is that one o'er yonder.
You see this earth?
You were born on it. By those bins, over there.
FLIES BUZZ
And one day shall be returned to it.
We're a community here, Town Mouse.
These here people, these here trees. These here eels.
We're as one. Humanity in nature.
Not separate, like in towns.
We're proud of these here lands.
So when someone only wants it for a few weeks
that don't sit right with us, do it, Ags?
No, it do not.
I don't really know what I've done wrong here.
I can't stay longer.
I'm literally just here to find a tree.
And then I'll be moving on.
You can stay in the caravan.
But we got one rule.
No pets, no music, no children, no shitting in bushes.
You look like the type. Oh, and a no loud sex.
That's five rules, I think.
You want this fucking caravan or not, Town Mouse?
Yes, please. Now...
Got no pets? No.
No friends? No.
No children? No.
Cash up front. 400 for the month. That's fine.
And it'll need a clear out.
No-one's been inside since Dad died in it.
Well, he's not still in it, though?
BIRDS CAW
LINDA COUGHS
It's a bit hard to breathe here, isn't it?
Ooh!
Bit dusty.
It's really settling on my throat.
You might want to give it a bit of a wipe down.
Ey? You want me to clean it?
I haven't come all the way out here just to clean up another man's mess,
and a dead one at that.
I'm sorry about that.
But I just didn't expect to be cleaning as soon as I got here.
No, no.
That's a deal breaker, I'm afraid.
I'm not doing it.
WATCH BEEPS
PHONE RINGS
RINGING STOPS
Steve said you've left because you've done some ironing.
Bollocks. Who is he?
Call me back.
PHONE VIBRATES
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
Nice to see a bit of fresh meat.
May I?
No, I absolutely don't want you to sit down and join me.
Woman with a bit of spunk what can read.
Just my type. Oh, got a type?
You shouldn't be sitting here on your own,
pretty lady like you.
Why not? It's not right.
Why isn't it right?
Ey?
Why isn't it right for an adult woman to sit by herself
reading and drinking?
I don't know. I've never really thought about it before.
In case someone...
...tries to rape you, I suppose?
What, in here?
SNORING
Well, there's never right time or place, is there?
I mean, it could happen anywhere, couldn't it?
Hot-air balloon, ghost train.
In space.
Space?
Well, where there's a will, there's a way.
That's a long way off for you, isn't it?
What, the menopause? No, I'm in it now.
Look. Um...
Oh, Tony. Or Tone to my friends.
Tony.
You seem like a lot of fun.
But I'm 50 now.
I know I don't look it, but I am.
And I've spent most of my adult life putting other people's feelings
and needs before my own.
Even those of complete strangers like you.
Just politely listening along. "Ooh, really?"
But I'm not going to do that for a bit.
And it feels...
...so great.
Time, Tony is the most precious thing we have.
And yet we just squander it.
And your time, Tony, it's not more valuable than mine, is it?
No. No, it isn't, no.
So I'm going to sit here, read my book, drink my pint.
You can either sit there and be quiet or go away.
I'm not buying you a drink and I'm not chatting
about rape in space. All right?
Yeah.
No chance of a blowjob then?
No.
Not until I finish this chapter anyway.
HE LAUGHS
♪ Oh, Sally, my dear
♪ It's you I'd be kissing
♪ Oh, Sally, my dear
♪ It's you I'd be kissing.
♪ She smiled and replied
♪ You don't know what you're missing.
♪ Oh, Sally, my dear
♪ I wish I could wed you.
♪ Oh, Sally, my dear
♪ I wish I could bed you... ♪
Subtitles by Red Bee Media