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This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

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VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS

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♪ O Mother, my mother

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♪ Cruel mother country

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♪ How sweetly your siren-song sounds
o'er the sea

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♪ If it weren't for your arms,
an orphan I'd be

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♪ O Mother, my mother

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♪ Cruel mother country. ♪

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I've a mind to smash the dead
fucker's headstone in,

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like they did with Savile's.

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I could have been a lion tamer
if I took that scholarship.

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And I a magician. He's still right,
you know, David Copperfield.

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Weren't just careers we lost, Carm.

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We could have had any man
in this town.

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Or dog. Gave our whole lives
to that calf,

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and this is how he thanks us.

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We won't hand our legacy
over to some undeserving bastard

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without a fight.

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I'll get psychic Sandra to get
hold of him, tear him a new one.

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He won't answer! The dead coward.

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If Faither thinks he's had the last
word by dying,

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he's got another think coming.

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KNOCK AT DOOR Ooh.

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Oh!

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Ooh, God.

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Ooh. Oh.

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Oh! Oh.

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Oh! Ooh!

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Mm!

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Thank you!

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Lovely.

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PHONE RINGS

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OK!

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Bye, then!

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Pick up, Linda!

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Steve's told me you've gone to find
a time capsule in a tree...

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in a forest of 20 million trees!

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Well, he might have fallen
for it, but I haven't.

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And what's all this shit
about a chore ledger?

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We're women, Linda.
This is what we do.

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It's what we've always done.

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What makes you so bloody special?

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Nothing. That's what.

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So stop whingeing and moaning
about being a woman, and come home!

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The kids said Steve smells already.

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Today's show is about men's
sense of entitlement

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and where it comes from.

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I was at a friend's daughter's
ninth birthday recently

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and we were about to do the cake,

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and her little brother came out

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with a poo on a plate with
nine candles stuck in it.

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And his mum, my friend, laughed.

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And you know, it got me thinking
that we don't have the same levels

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of tolerance for little girls'
behaviour.

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If a little girl came out with a poo
on a plate with a candle stuck

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in it at her brother's birthday,
we would have her psychologically

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assessed, as little girls
were asked to smile,

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be nice, put that pigeon down.

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Is it our reluctance to call out
the bad behaviour of boys

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what leads to their sense
of superiority and entitlement?

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And is that the root cause
of everything that's wrong

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in the world? Lines are open...
Chemically castrate all boys!

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Yeah, you can't keep calling in
and saying that, Becky.

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Right, line two, Agnes.

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There ain't going to be no Eel King
at this year's Eel Festival.

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We're having a woman instead.

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Well!

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That's going to ruffle some feathers.

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CYNICAL LAUGH

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Brian on line three.

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I don't understand why you has to
have an Eel Queen

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when tradition says it's always...

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Sorry, Brian. The line seems to be
coming out. I can't really...

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Shh!

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And lastly, one final reminder
before I hand over to the Verderer,

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Tony's tackle will be out again for
my life drawing class tonight.

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Great news about the Eel Queen, Verderer.

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Not today, Joy.
I'm not in the mood.

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Joy. Can I?

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Yes. All right. Thank you.

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SIGHS HEAVILY

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Hot flush?

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Yeah. I'm on my seventh of the day.

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CHUCKLES

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Oh, I'm sorry about the bell,
by the way.

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Shouldn't you just take it off or
maybe put a sign up warning people?

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No, no. Everyone knows. It's simple.

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If we're talking, no walking. Oh.

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SIGHS

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God. Phew!

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Is that...? Tony.

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Yeah, Tony. Yeah, I met him in the
pub last night.

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Oh, yeah? Yeah.

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Really captured the essence
of him, haven't they?

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I hear the caravans looking pukka.
Eh?

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News travels fast around here, Linda.

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Hey! Coffee?

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Yes, please.
Yeah, that'd be lovely.

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He's sweet.

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They. Ryan's nonbinary.

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He says it like it is, taking
on the wokerati one snowflake

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at a time, giving it to you straight
and unfiltered...

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It's the Verderer.

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Good morning. Good morning.

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I was going to speak to you about
immigration on the show today

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and ask you, with the NHS in
crisis, isn't the taxpayers' money

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better spent dealing
with an Englishman's cancer

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than an African's aids?

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But that will have to wait
till tomorrow because today

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we are up against it with
the feminazis.

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That's right. You'll have heard of
the Eel Sisters' ridiculous,

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frankly, offensive idea of replacing
the Eel King with a queen

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this Eel Festival. Well, not if I've
got anything to do with it,

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they won't!

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LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY

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I'm all for equality
of the sexes, you know.

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But not if that means
men missing out.

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The men of this town have got nothing.

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Nothing!

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And you take away their Eel King,

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well, that's the type of thing
that tip them over the edge.

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And with male suicide rates
at an all-time high, today

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I'm asking, is feminism
literally killing men?

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Listen to this.

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PLAYS SONG

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Crikey!

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He had a really hard lockdown. Oh.

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First he lost a sister
and then he lost his job.

129
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He actually went out to the forest
to end it all.

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But then he saw some nesting
birds in an old oak tree

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and he couldn't bear to do
it in front of them.

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Oh.

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We were just talking
about your uncle.

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Every family has a problematic uncle
that they have to tolerate

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over Christmas, but Ryan lives with
theirs all year round.

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Is everything OK?

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If you're still around Saturday,
you should come to our

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cat speed-dating night.
Speed-dating for cats?

139
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I set up a charity matching
homeless cats up with the elderly

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and we have a date night in the pub.

141
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Oh, that's nice!
Yeah, it gets pretty wild.

142
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We had to pay for security.
Biting, scratching, spraying

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all over the bars and furniture.
The cats are no trouble, though.

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Ryan! Ah! Ahh!

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Oh...

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You should tell those Eel Sisters
you don't like eels or they'll keep

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leaving them on your step for you.
What...?

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Don't worry. You'll get used to the
forest grapevine.

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Oh, I need to go as well, actually.

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I hope you find your tree.

151
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I'm Joy, by the way.

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Jesus! They'll be telling me
the colour of my pants next!

153
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Beige!

154
00:10:47,083 --> 00:10:50,123
Please send Anthony, help me
to find my tree.

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INSECT BUZZES
Huh!

156
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Huh!

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00:11:06,243 --> 00:11:07,763
PERSON HUMS A TUNE

158
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Oh!

159
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Oh, you have got to be kidding me.

160
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I didn't mean find it on the first
day, Saint Anthony!

161
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Oh.

162
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Oh, God.

163
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Oh, mother of Jesus!

164
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STRAINING

165
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It's time, Lin!

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SCREECHING

167
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SCREECHING

168
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Come, come, come, come, come!

169
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Come on.

170
00:14:00,443 --> 00:14:02,483
Whoa! Jesus!

171
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You scared the shit out of me.

172
00:14:04,163 --> 00:14:06,043
Wait, wait, wait, wait, woo!

173
00:14:06,043 --> 00:14:07,643
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

174
00:14:07,643 --> 00:14:10,883
I've got pepper spray up here
if you try anything.

175
00:14:10,883 --> 00:14:12,523
Is it coarse or ground?

176
00:14:12,523 --> 00:14:17,043
What, you think this is funny?
A lone woman trapped up a tree?

177
00:14:17,043 --> 00:14:20,363
I'm sorry. It was just a little joke
to try and put you at ease.

178
00:14:20,363 --> 00:14:21,763
What are you doing, anyway?

179
00:14:21,763 --> 00:14:24,003
I was... I was given the all clear
for the boar.

180
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This is where they come
for their breakfast.

181
00:14:25,923 --> 00:14:27,203
The boar?

182
00:14:27,203 --> 00:14:29,123
Yeah. The wild pigs.

183
00:14:29,123 --> 00:14:31,523
There's wild pigs? Yes.
Here? Yeah.

184
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Now? Yeah, and they're a little bit
confused now.

185
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Oh. Oh, THEY'RE confused?

186
00:14:35,923 --> 00:14:38,523
Yeah, because I told them
it was safe, and then I told them

187
00:14:38,523 --> 00:14:39,923
to wait - because of you.

188
00:14:41,483 --> 00:14:44,083
Can you ask them to wait
a little bit longer?

189
00:14:44,083 --> 00:14:45,643
Oh, they won't hurt you. Please!

190
00:14:45,643 --> 00:14:47,523
OK. OK.

191
00:14:47,523 --> 00:14:48,923
I'll warn them off.

192
00:14:48,923 --> 00:14:52,283
Home, home, home! Home, home, home!

193
00:14:52,283 --> 00:14:54,803
Come on, girls and boys!
Home, home! Home, home, home!

194
00:14:54,803 --> 00:14:58,203
Come on, girls and boys! You
know, you men should be more

195
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self-aware of how threatening
you can be to lone women.

196
00:15:01,843 --> 00:15:06,563
You know, you've killed
more women than cancer...

197
00:15:08,763 --> 00:15:13,923
...wars, malaria and traffic
accidents combined.

198
00:15:13,923 --> 00:15:15,883
Well, I try and keep myself busy.

199
00:15:15,883 --> 00:15:17,523
Oh, my God! Oh, shit.

200
00:15:17,523 --> 00:15:20,083
What did I just say? I'm sorry.

201
00:15:22,363 --> 00:15:24,243
It looks like you know your way
around a rope.

202
00:15:24,243 --> 00:15:26,443
Yeah, well, it's been a while,
but it all came back.

203
00:15:26,443 --> 00:15:28,643
The porkers wouldn't have harmed
you, by the way.

204
00:15:28,643 --> 00:15:30,963
They're only young'uns.
They lost their mum.

205
00:15:30,963 --> 00:15:34,043
This is where they come
for their morning truffles. Right.

206
00:15:34,043 --> 00:15:37,163
So why...? Some people want to keep
their numbers down.

207
00:15:37,163 --> 00:15:40,683
I don't really agree with that
so I try to keep an eye on them.

208
00:15:40,683 --> 00:15:43,803
You keep an eye out for the pigs
when they're digging for truffles?

209
00:15:43,803 --> 00:15:46,683
Yeah. Oh.

210
00:15:46,683 --> 00:15:48,083
Tha... that's nice.

211
00:15:49,763 --> 00:15:51,643
I've not seen you around here
before, have I?

212
00:15:51,643 --> 00:15:53,563
What were you doing up there? Oh,

213
00:15:53,563 --> 00:15:56,163
I was looking for something
but it's gone.

214
00:15:57,643 --> 00:16:00,123
It was a really long shot.

215
00:16:00,123 --> 00:16:02,123
Oh, sorry to hear that.

216
00:16:04,163 --> 00:16:06,323
Maybe the starlings made
a nest of it.

217
00:16:07,483 --> 00:16:08,723
Maybe they did.

218
00:16:09,843 --> 00:16:10,843
Hmm!

219
00:16:14,363 --> 00:16:17,923
Why don't I make you a nice
cup of coffee? Perk you up a bit?

220
00:16:17,923 --> 00:16:19,763
Oh... Only if you...

221
00:16:20,963 --> 00:16:22,963
Yeah, why not? Oh, good.

222
00:16:22,963 --> 00:16:27,003
OK. I'll just, erm, text...

223
00:16:27,003 --> 00:16:29,403
Yeah, I'm just around the corner.

224
00:16:30,483 --> 00:16:32,923
...let them know. Of course. Yeah.

225
00:16:32,923 --> 00:16:34,603
Where I...where I am.

226
00:16:39,803 --> 00:16:41,883
Here we are. Ooh!

227
00:16:44,923 --> 00:16:47,483
Lovely. My veranda.

228
00:16:47,483 --> 00:16:48,523
Mm!

229
00:16:52,123 --> 00:16:54,163
Come on in.

230
00:16:54,163 --> 00:16:57,283
It's not Buckingham Palace,
but it's home. Come in.

231
00:16:57,283 --> 00:17:01,563
Ooh, it's a cave!

232
00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:05,323
I'll get the coffee on. Wow.

233
00:17:07,763 --> 00:17:09,363
Oh, I'm Linda, by the way.

234
00:17:09,363 --> 00:17:10,963
Oh, I'm sorry - William.

235
00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:13,003
But my friends call me Pig Man.

236
00:17:13,003 --> 00:17:14,763
Nice to meet you, William.

237
00:17:14,763 --> 00:17:17,083
Nice to meet you, Linda.

238
00:17:17,083 --> 00:17:20,083
How did you end up living
in here like this?

239
00:17:20,083 --> 00:17:22,563
Fate, I guess. I followed my gut.

240
00:17:25,043 --> 00:17:27,403
Were you in the military
or the SAS or something?

241
00:17:27,403 --> 00:17:29,803
No, I was a numbers man. Hmm?

242
00:17:29,803 --> 00:17:33,283
Big job in the city. But adding
up other people's money all day

243
00:17:33,283 --> 00:17:37,003
didn't amount to much for me. I felt
like I was squandering my time.

244
00:17:37,003 --> 00:17:39,723
I can relate to that.
What about you?

245
00:17:39,723 --> 00:17:41,843
Numbers woman. Oh.

246
00:17:44,083 --> 00:17:45,643
Is that your daughter?

247
00:17:46,963 --> 00:17:48,723
Yeah.

248
00:17:48,723 --> 00:17:49,763
Sweet.

249
00:17:51,043 --> 00:17:52,563
What about you? You got any kids?

250
00:17:52,563 --> 00:17:55,443
No. It's very clean in here.

251
00:17:55,443 --> 00:17:57,643
Why wouldn't it be? I'm not
an animal.

252
00:17:57,643 --> 00:18:00,203
Which is a silly thing to say,
because I am.

253
00:18:00,203 --> 00:18:02,523
I mean, we are animals, aren't we?
Mm.

254
00:18:02,523 --> 00:18:03,963
Animals? Humans?

255
00:18:03,963 --> 00:18:06,563
Who's making the mess
in this world, I wonder.

256
00:18:06,563 --> 00:18:08,323
Sorry. I went off on one, then.

257
00:18:08,323 --> 00:18:10,443
No, it's good. Humans ARE messy.

258
00:18:11,643 --> 00:18:14,603
I've always been very house-proud.
Cave-proud now.

259
00:18:17,363 --> 00:18:18,563
GRUNTS

260
00:18:20,763 --> 00:18:21,883
Okeydokey.

261
00:18:21,883 --> 00:18:24,923
What's the matter? Never seen a man
frothing milk before?

262
00:18:24,923 --> 00:18:28,083
Yes, I have, actually. Just
not in a cave surrounded by pigs.

263
00:18:28,083 --> 00:18:30,643
HE CHUCKLES
You should get out more often.

264
00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:32,243
There we go.

265
00:18:32,243 --> 00:18:34,763
Oops. Should be nice and frothy now.

266
00:18:34,763 --> 00:18:37,243
I hate it when there's no froth!

267
00:18:37,243 --> 00:18:39,203
Oh, damn. I've only got one cup.

268
00:18:39,203 --> 00:18:42,203
Oh, you don't make coffee
for every woman you find trapped

269
00:18:42,203 --> 00:18:44,083
up a tree, then? I do, yeah.

270
00:18:44,083 --> 00:18:45,923
But then I have to kill them afterwards

271
00:18:45,923 --> 00:18:47,243
and bury the cup with them.

272
00:18:53,923 --> 00:18:56,403
Sorry. It's OK. It's funny.

273
00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:57,443
Sometimes I burn them.

274
00:18:57,443 --> 00:18:58,723
Oh, no, that's enough now.

275
00:18:58,723 --> 00:18:59,763
OK. Yeah.

276
00:19:05,003 --> 00:19:06,083
Oh, my God.

277
00:19:06,083 --> 00:19:07,563
Nice and frothy, isn't it?

278
00:19:07,563 --> 00:19:10,723
GULPS

279
00:19:11,963 --> 00:19:12,963
You like it?

280
00:19:14,203 --> 00:19:17,043
It's always better when someone
else makes it, isn't it?

281
00:19:21,803 --> 00:19:24,323
CUPBOARDS AND DRAWERS BANGING

282
00:19:31,723 --> 00:19:33,603
Carm! Out of there!

283
00:19:33,603 --> 00:19:35,203
You've got enough dildos now.

284
00:19:35,203 --> 00:19:36,883
I'll never have enough!

285
00:19:41,923 --> 00:19:45,083
That is the best coffee I've
ever had. Thank you.

286
00:19:46,363 --> 00:19:48,843
Well, the porkers should be
having their siesta now,

287
00:19:48,843 --> 00:19:50,643
so it's a good time to make
a dash for it.

288
00:19:50,643 --> 00:19:51,843
Oh, right. Yeah.

289
00:19:51,843 --> 00:19:55,043
Come on, I'll show you to the path.
Oh, that'd be great. Yeah, thanks.

290
00:20:09,123 --> 00:20:11,563
Laptop cushions. 46.

291
00:20:12,603 --> 00:20:14,683
Empty dishwasher. Two minutes, ten.

292
00:20:15,803 --> 00:20:18,203
Talk to neighbour re dogshit.

293
00:20:18,203 --> 00:20:20,163
15 minutes, seven seconds.

294
00:20:22,083 --> 00:20:24,123
Cleaned up plates. Two minutes, 30.

295
00:20:25,803 --> 00:20:27,843
Sex with Steve.

296
00:20:27,843 --> 00:20:29,243
One minute 20.

297
00:20:34,283 --> 00:20:35,283
No!

298
00:20:36,803 --> 00:20:38,283
Lampshades get dusty?

299
00:20:40,563 --> 00:20:42,083
PHONE RINGS

300
00:20:43,563 --> 00:20:46,403
Hello, Siobhan!
Abandoning your own children.

301
00:20:46,403 --> 00:20:48,243
You're worse than Magda Gobbles.

302
00:20:48,243 --> 00:20:50,003
It's Goebbels, I think.

303
00:20:50,003 --> 00:20:52,403
And I haven't abandoned them.
They're with their dad.

304
00:20:52,403 --> 00:20:55,283
AND I'm sending them pictures
of the moon.

305
00:20:55,283 --> 00:20:57,803
Well, they can't eat pictures
of the moon!

306
00:20:57,803 --> 00:20:59,723
People will judge you for this.

307
00:20:59,723 --> 00:21:01,403
No, they won't. They won't know.

308
00:21:01,403 --> 00:21:02,963
What do you mean, they won't know?

309
00:21:02,963 --> 00:21:05,163
Well, I'm not telling anyone
I'm married with kids.

310
00:21:05,163 --> 00:21:07,203
I don't want to be asked about them
all the time.

311
00:21:07,203 --> 00:21:08,963
I don't know what the big
deal is, Siobhan.

312
00:21:08,963 --> 00:21:10,883
I'm just having some time to myself.

313
00:21:10,883 --> 00:21:14,523
Trying to find some time capsule
in a stupid tree.

314
00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:16,923
Yeah, well, that didn't work out.
I've found it already.

315
00:21:16,923 --> 00:21:18,403
The capsule wasn't there.

316
00:21:18,403 --> 00:21:19,883
SIOBHAN LAUGHS

317
00:21:19,883 --> 00:21:21,643
It's not funny, Siobhan.

318
00:21:21,643 --> 00:21:23,083
LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY

319
00:21:23,083 --> 00:21:25,043
It's really not that funny.

320
00:21:26,323 --> 00:21:27,563
Saint Anthony!

321
00:21:27,563 --> 00:21:29,643
Yes. Who else?

322
00:21:29,643 --> 00:21:31,963
So you're coming home now, then?

323
00:21:34,763 --> 00:21:40,083
Linda? I don't... I don't know. But
I shouldn't need a reason to stay.

324
00:21:40,083 --> 00:21:42,523
Dads go away
on their own all the time.

325
00:21:42,523 --> 00:21:45,883
Joe Wicks went off on his Triumph
and no-one batted an eyelid.

326
00:21:45,883 --> 00:21:48,883
I've had enough of this
whingy women shit.

327
00:21:48,883 --> 00:21:50,603
Just grow up and come home!

328
00:21:50,603 --> 00:21:52,163
HORN BEEPS

329
00:21:52,163 --> 00:21:53,643
And you can fuck off!

330
00:22:09,443 --> 00:22:11,443
Nice to see a bit of old meat.

331
00:22:11,443 --> 00:22:12,483
May I?

332
00:22:17,483 --> 00:22:18,883
What's that? Death notices?

333
00:22:18,883 --> 00:22:24,283
See, the problem with these
new-fangled gender neutral toilets,

334
00:22:24,283 --> 00:22:30,563
Linda... Like many blokes, I enjoys
a big old fart when I urinate,

335
00:22:30,563 --> 00:22:32,643
Not in front of the ladies.

336
00:22:32,643 --> 00:22:34,683
No, because I am a gentleman.

337
00:22:34,683 --> 00:22:37,123
That's how I've been brought up.

338
00:22:37,123 --> 00:22:39,643
They don't call me Tony Bond
for nothing.

339
00:22:39,643 --> 00:22:43,203
But what someone looks like ain't
always what they are.

340
00:22:43,203 --> 00:22:46,123
Some people looks like gentlemen,
but are ladies.

341
00:22:46,123 --> 00:22:49,563
And some people looks
like ladies, but are gentlemen.

342
00:22:49,563 --> 00:22:52,683
Some of them are neither, and some
of them are both

343
00:22:52,683 --> 00:22:56,683
ladies and gentlemen.
They move about, you know?

344
00:22:56,683 --> 00:23:01,563
But if I can't ask someone
what they is or what they isn't

345
00:23:01,563 --> 00:23:06,723
for fear of causing offence, how do
I know who I'm allowed to fart

346
00:23:06,723 --> 00:23:10,603
in front of when I'm at a urinal, urinating?

347
00:23:10,603 --> 00:23:11,803
Hmm.

348
00:23:11,803 --> 00:23:14,403
It's a nightmare.

349
00:23:14,403 --> 00:23:17,763
Maybe just... don't fart.

350
00:23:21,363 --> 00:23:23,643
What, don't fart...

351
00:23:23,643 --> 00:23:26,443
...while I'm urinating? Don't fart
in front of anyone,

352
00:23:26,443 --> 00:23:28,003
regardless of gender.

353
00:23:32,843 --> 00:23:34,043
Yeah.

354
00:23:34,043 --> 00:23:36,323
I suppose I could do that. Yeah.

355
00:23:36,323 --> 00:23:39,603
Never really thought about it
before. There you go, then. Yeah.

356
00:23:44,883 --> 00:23:47,483
I don't know what I'm doing here, Tony.

357
00:23:47,483 --> 00:23:49,923
You're here to get laid, Linda,
like the rest of us.

358
00:23:49,923 --> 00:23:51,363
I'm really not.

359
00:23:51,363 --> 00:23:53,643
Drink? I'll get them.

360
00:23:53,643 --> 00:23:55,883
You might break something
on the way.

361
00:23:55,883 --> 00:23:58,563
Yeah. Every woman's heart, eh?

362
00:23:58,563 --> 00:24:00,763
THEY CHUCKLE

363
00:24:06,003 --> 00:24:10,243
♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, it's you
I'd be kissing.

364
00:24:11,563 --> 00:24:17,043
♪ Oh, Sally, my dear,
it's you I'd be kissing.

365
00:24:17,043 --> 00:24:22,163
♪ She smiled and replied, "You
don't know what you're missing."

366
00:24:28,843 --> 00:24:34,603
♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, I wish
I could wed you

367
00:24:34,603 --> 00:24:40,003
♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, I wish
I could bed you.

368
00:24:40,003 --> 00:24:42,843
♪ She smiled and replied... ♪