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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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- ♪ (SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Thank you.
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Thank you. Thank you for coming.
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I don't want
to be negative, but...
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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...I don't think anything's ever
gonna get better ever again.
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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I don't wanna bum anybody out,
but I think this is pretty much
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the way it's gonna be
for however long it takes us
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- to polish this planet off.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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And don't misunderstand me,
I have no hope.
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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I think if you have hope,
what are you, fucking seven?
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- So...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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...again, I don't want
to be negative,
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but you kinda know
it's true, right?
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In your heart, you know
that it's fucking over, right?
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- I know it's hard to handle...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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...culturally, politically,
climate-wise.
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What are you gonna do
about the climate? Nothing.
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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I think in the back
of our heads we're like,
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"Well, you know,
I don't wanna get in the way
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of anything that Swedish
teenager's doing, you know?"
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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Like, "Greta's got focus,
she's young,
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- I think she's gonna nail it."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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And, look, I don't know.
I... You know,
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I have moments where I'm like,
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"What can I do?"
And then you're like,
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"What? Is that gnocchi?"
You know, so, like it's...
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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Look, I'm doing a thing,
that, uh, occasionally I'll--
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Well, yeah, I'll do it now.
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Just like, a lot of these ideas
that I'm playing with,
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they're hard to do, comedically.
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So I've been working
on a one-man show,
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sort of a serious one-man show,
and I workshop it
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during the comedy act
occasionally.
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I'll do it for you now.
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It's called
Voices From the Future.
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This is a multi-character
one-person show
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where I play all the characters.
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If you ever are like,
you know, "Where's Marc?"
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- It's still me, I'm here.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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So this is a one-person show,
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it's called
Voices From the Future.
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It's just random people
saying random things
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in the very near future.
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The show right now is running
about a minute and 30.
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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I picture that,
when I produce it,
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it'll be
in a small black box theater.
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You know, it'll be dark
and the lights will like,
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come up on each character,
but I'll just kinda mime that.
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- But you'll get it.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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Some references
are to the West Coast,
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but I think you'll get them
and maybe I'll throw one
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that's-- in that's
more appropriate to this coast.
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Yeah, I'll have to do
a whole new character,
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but I think I can do it.
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Right, so this is the first guy,
Voices From the Future.
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Okay, first guy, lights come up.
"How close are the fires?"
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- Lights down.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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All right, this... (CHUCKLES)
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...this is the second guy,
lights up.
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"Will the fifth booster
work on the Zephyr strain?
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'Cause I can't see
out of this eye, doc.
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- I can't see." Lights down.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
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All right, this is--
This guy. All right, this is--
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Hold on, this guy's sad.
(BREATHES DEEPLY) Okay.
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- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- Lights up.
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"What, do you mean--
You mean there's no more water?"
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- Bring the lights down.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
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Wait. All right, wait, there's--
Okay. So a East Coast one.
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All right,
this guy's a-- All right.
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All right. Okay, okay,
here we go. (GROANS) Lights up.
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"Do they have
the floatable seating
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- at the restaurant downtown?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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Okay. Now, this last guy--
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So, if you're doing this
at your community theater
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- or, uh, your high school...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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...uh, you'd want to cast, like,
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a working-class guy
for this last guy
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'cause he's kind of
the comic relief at the end.
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Okay. (GROANS) Lights up.
"You know, 130 is not that hot."
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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"Once you get out in it,
it's not that bad.
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Don't be a pussy and hydrate!"
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Thank you,
Voices From the Future.
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- Appreciate it.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
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So, like, I'm trying to cover
a lot of territory,
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or a lot of things
in this first chunk
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of this show,
and it gets a little heavy,
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but you'll be all right.
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- Um...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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There's-- I think we have
a stupid people problem
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and I'm not saying that
as a condescending person
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or a-- I'm not a genius,
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but I kinda miss
old-timey stupid.
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You know,
I miss back-in-the-day stupid.
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I miss, like,
ten-years-ago stupid.
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You know, stupid that
had a little humility,
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where you could say things
like, "You're kinda dumb,"
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and they'd be like,
"Yeah, I know."
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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"Well, it's good you know that."
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"Well, I'm not that dumb.
I mean, come on!"
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"Well, good talk.
Good luck with everything."
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- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
- But now, there's a new stupid,
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a brazen, sort of shameless,
confident stupid.
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They're just loaded up
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with all kinds
of bullshit information.
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It has a tone to it.
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I'll try to do a little
of it for ya, the tone.
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"Oh, so, you're a scientist?"
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
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And you can't pull
that same thing
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you used to be able to pull
with the old stupid.
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You can't be like,
"You're kind of dumb."
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'Cause they go,
"What's your source?"
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- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- "What are you talking about?"
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"Where are you getting
your information?"
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"Just talking to you right now."
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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"You gotta do
your own research, bro."
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- "I'm doing it in real time..."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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"...and I think
my study's almost concluded.
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And I'm stepping away slowly."
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So now,
we're just kinda half-waiting
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for the stupids
to choose a uniform. Um...
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
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I don't know. Are you nervous?
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Isn't it weird
that, like, you know,
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you get your information
one place
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and they get
there's another place.
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Everyone gets it
at different places,
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but there's definitely
a strain of stupid
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where you hear guys do, like,
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"You know, you don't have to get
any vaccines ever.
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I was listening
to this podcast."
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Most of the time
that's not going a good place.
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- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- "I was with this podcast.
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You know,
I was kinda in and out."
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- "But..."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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"...I'm pretty sure the guy said
that if you take
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a human growth hormone
suppository
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and stick it up your ass hard
until you get a boner,
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but it's not a gay boner
'cause it's your finger,
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- so why would it be gay?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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"And I don't know
if you know this,
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but there's a man clit
in your asshole that I found
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when I was watching UFC once.
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I was just poking around
up there.
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And I told my bros about it,
I'm like,
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'Do you know about the man clit
in your ass?'
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So, they were like,
'What the fuck, dude?'
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I'm like, 'All right,
you live your life.'
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- Anyway..."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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"...so when you get the boner,
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you stick it
into a warm elk's heart,
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which you can order
from the guy's website.
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Comes three in a package,
frozen, and you just fuck it
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like a pocket pussy
or a fleshlight.
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It's not gay,
it's an elk's heart.
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- How would that be gay?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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"And then you cum in it,
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and then you just throw it
on a Traeger
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or whatever kinda grill
you have.
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I have a Weber,
but it doesn't matter
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and you cook it up
and you, like,
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eat it on a sandwich or--
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It's not gay to eat your own cum
if it's cooked.
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- Anyway..."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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"...if you do that
and you eat it,
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you don't have to get vaccinated
for anything.
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Pretty sure
that's what the guy said.
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I was kinda in and out,
was ordering supplements
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and, a new fleshlight and,
you know, the uniforms are in,
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so I wanted to get
a jump on that."
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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"And then I think the guy
interviewed a professor
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- of misogyny from Canada."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
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"That was really smart, man.
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He really knew
what he was talking about.
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Someday when I have a woman,
I'm gonna use some of it."
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
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And now, there's all these
comedians, like,
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"I'm an anti-woke comic, man.
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I'm anti-woke and that's why
I don't get work."
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- "Really?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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"You think that's the reason?"
(CHUCKLES)
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"Yeah, man.
We can't say anything anymore.
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Like, me and all the other
anti-woke comedians,
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we all wanna say our version
of the same three things.
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- And you just can't--"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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"You can't say anything
anymore."
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"No, I'm pretty sure you can say
whatever you want, really."
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He's like, "No, you can't, man."
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"You can.
There just may be consequences."
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"See, that's
the fucked up thing,
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- the consequences."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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"Well, maybe when you get
your uniform,
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you can make that
the first order of business,
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is getting rid
of the consequences."
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- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
- (CHUCKLES)
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- "No, man. I'm anti-woke."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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Look, there's problems.
You know, I don't wanna--
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But I don't wanna say
there's a problem
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- with Christian fascism, but...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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...there might be a problem.
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And I'm not saying
you're all in on it,
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if you're Christians,
but, you know, you kinda are.
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- Right?
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:10,633
Like, if you really think
a flying Jew
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- is gonna come back...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
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...and make everything okay,
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isn't that, like,
mental illness?
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00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:21,894
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
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I don't wanna make anyone
uncomfortable
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'cause I know, a lot of you know
that we have--
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You know, as I'm speaking,
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and I guess I should
make it clear
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that we have found recently
that there is actually something
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that brings
most people together,
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it's antisemitism.
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00:09:38,869 --> 00:09:42,707
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- And... (CLICKS TONGUE) ...yeah.
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I'm saying that as a Jew,
231
00:09:45,459 --> 00:09:49,839
and as a Jew, I'm saying
that we will replace you.
232
00:09:49,922 --> 00:09:53,426
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
233
00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:54,510
It's...
234
00:09:57,847 --> 00:09:59,390
it's happening,
we're all part of it.
235
00:09:59,473 --> 00:10:02,184
We're doing it,
we're all doing our bit.
236
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:04,770
You-- There's an app now
we can replace you with.
237
00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:06,063
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
238
00:10:06,147 --> 00:10:09,984
And it's a commission thing.
How-- We get a certain kickback
239
00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:12,445
for the number of you replaced.
240
00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:13,821
I talked to my brother
last week,
241
00:10:13,904 --> 00:10:16,574
he replaced, like, 76 last week.
242
00:10:16,657 --> 00:10:18,409
And every quarter,
we get a check
243
00:10:18,492 --> 00:10:22,038
- from Global Control HQ.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
244
00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:24,165
It's got the cool logo
with the planet
245
00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:27,835
and the Star of David
and gold leaf around it,
246
00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:31,756
- signed by George Soros.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
247
00:10:31,839 --> 00:10:33,257
It's kinda cool,
it's almost frameable,
248
00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:36,886
- but we cash them. So...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
249
00:10:38,262 --> 00:10:40,097
And I don't know, like,
I'm not religious,
250
00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:41,891
I'm a Jew, so...
251
00:10:41,974 --> 00:10:46,103
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
252
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:48,814
And there's a difference
between Jews and Christians,
253
00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:49,899
obviously, I mean, I think
254
00:10:49,982 --> 00:10:51,192
if the relationship with God
is different,
255
00:10:51,275 --> 00:10:54,070
if you look at the testaments,
the Old Testament.
256
00:10:54,153 --> 00:10:56,530
It seemed like the relationship
with Jews and God
257
00:10:56,614 --> 00:11:00,701
- was basically, "What?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
258
00:11:00,785 --> 00:11:02,244
"What do you want me to do?
259
00:11:03,704 --> 00:11:05,539
Now?
260
00:11:05,623 --> 00:11:08,042
All right, all right.
Don't yell, don't yell."
261
00:11:08,125 --> 00:11:11,754
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
262
00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:15,049
Whereas I think
the Christian relationship
263
00:11:15,132 --> 00:11:17,551
is more like... (WHIMPERS)
264
00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:22,431
- So...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
265
00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:24,767
But there's not a racket.
266
00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:27,228
I don't see the Jew thing
as a racket.
267
00:11:27,311 --> 00:11:28,729
The Christian thing
I see as a racket.
268
00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:29,772
It's almost like, you know,
269
00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:31,690
"Here's the New Testament,
make it your own
270
00:11:31,774 --> 00:11:35,528
- and grift as you will."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
271
00:11:35,611 --> 00:11:38,864
Right? I mean,
and there's a pitch to it.
272
00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:40,074
that's kinda genius.
273
00:11:40,157 --> 00:11:42,701
And if you really break it down,
the pitch is basically,
274
00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:45,329
"Everything will be amazing
275
00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:48,707
- when you're dead."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
276
00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:52,753
- "Put some money in the jar."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
277
00:11:55,673 --> 00:11:59,343
But, look, the real problem
right now with, uh, you know...
278
00:12:00,386 --> 00:12:03,973
- Christian fascism...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
279
00:12:04,056 --> 00:12:07,685
...is that, you know,
Roe v. Wade was taken down.
280
00:12:07,768 --> 00:12:09,645
Women, all women
in this country have lost
281
00:12:09,728 --> 00:12:11,188
their physical autonomy
and their rights
282
00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:12,648
and the weird thing is,
283
00:12:12,731 --> 00:12:13,941
I don't hear men
talking about it.
284
00:12:14,024 --> 00:12:15,943
I hear no men talking about it.
285
00:12:16,026 --> 00:12:17,987
Which is unusual to me
because if you're a guy
286
00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:19,155
with any game at all,
287
00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:20,948
you've paid
for at least two of those.
288
00:12:21,031 --> 00:12:25,494
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
289
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:29,206
So you had something to say
at some point in time.
290
00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:32,126
I think most men are pro-choice,
usually desperately.
291
00:12:32,209 --> 00:12:33,586
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
292
00:12:33,669 --> 00:12:35,337
"Baby, it's up to you.
It's your choice,
293
00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:38,382
- but not a great time, right?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
294
00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:40,885
"I mean, for either of us,
it's just not a good time.
295
00:12:40,968 --> 00:12:44,430
I mean, fuck, right? Fuck!
296
00:12:44,513 --> 00:12:47,475
No, I'm not mad at you,
it's just my whole fucking life!
297
00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:49,852
I'm not crying,
just do what you want!
298
00:12:53,981 --> 00:12:55,608
I'll pay for it.
I'll drive you down there.
299
00:12:55,691 --> 00:12:56,734
I'll take you to the place.
300
00:12:56,817 --> 00:12:59,195
We can get pancakes
at that place you like."
301
00:12:59,278 --> 00:13:02,656
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
302
00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:04,033
Or the entertainer's version,
303
00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:06,494
"I'll fly back into town,
just tell me the day!"
304
00:13:06,577 --> 00:13:08,913
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
305
00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:16,337
It's hard to talk to people
of faith about abortion
306
00:13:16,420 --> 00:13:18,589
if they have
the whole murder frame in place.
307
00:13:18,672 --> 00:13:21,133
If it's murder to somebody,
there's really no conversation.
308
00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:23,469
There's no way to bridge it.
You can't do the, like,
309
00:13:23,552 --> 00:13:27,139
"No, it's just cluster of cells,
not unlike a tumor. It's just...
310
00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:28,599
going a different direction,
you know?"
311
00:13:28,682 --> 00:13:30,976
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
312
00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:35,689
(CHUCKLES)
"With the same result sometimes,
313
00:13:35,773 --> 00:13:37,483
it's just a longer game,
really."
314
00:13:37,566 --> 00:13:39,985
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
315
00:13:43,447 --> 00:13:45,866
But a lot of it has to do
with the language of choice
316
00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:49,161
which is...
it's practical, it's medical.
317
00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:51,121
You know,
abortion, abortion clinic.
318
00:13:51,205 --> 00:13:53,499
Easy to demonize, scary.
319
00:13:53,582 --> 00:13:54,917
Like, if we shifted
some of the language,
320
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:58,796
we might be able to bridge
a gap and have a conversation
321
00:13:58,879 --> 00:14:00,130
with people of faith.
Maybe just--
322
00:14:00,214 --> 00:14:02,383
Maybe we call them
angel factories.
323
00:14:02,466 --> 00:14:08,514
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
324
00:14:10,474 --> 00:14:13,811
I mean, that would be at least
a conversation starter, right?
325
00:14:13,894 --> 00:14:15,646
I didn't-- I don't--
I didn't say abortion clinic.
326
00:14:15,729 --> 00:14:17,731
I said an angel factory.
327
00:14:17,815 --> 00:14:20,359
And how if the concern
is getting souls to heaven,
328
00:14:20,442 --> 00:14:22,444
we need more of them,
we need more.
329
00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:24,029
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
330
00:14:24,947 --> 00:14:25,948
Now...
331
00:14:27,074 --> 00:14:28,367
Christians have corrected me
on this.
332
00:14:28,450 --> 00:14:29,577
One guy who wrote me an email.
333
00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:33,163
It was a fairly heady email.
It had two levels to it.
334
00:14:33,247 --> 00:14:37,459
The first level was, "The number
of angels is finite."
335
00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:40,963
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
336
00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:44,633
"Dead children do not become
angels, they're separate things.
337
00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:47,970
There's only a given number
of angels, good and bad.
338
00:14:48,053 --> 00:14:51,807
- So you were wrong there."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
339
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:57,730
And the other thing was,
340
00:14:57,813 --> 00:14:59,732
"If a soul needs--
is gonna go to heaven,
341
00:14:59,815 --> 00:15:01,567
it needs to be baptized."
So, I'm like,
342
00:15:01,650 --> 00:15:03,402
"All right,
well there's-- That's--
343
00:15:03,485 --> 00:15:04,945
We can troubleshoot
around that."
344
00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:07,865
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- Right?
345
00:15:07,948 --> 00:15:11,577
I mean, there's a lot of priests
around with a lot of free time,
346
00:15:11,660 --> 00:15:13,787
and historically,
that's not a great thing.
347
00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:17,833
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
348
00:15:17,916 --> 00:15:20,836
But I say get the priests out
in front of the angel factories
349
00:15:20,919 --> 00:15:24,506
with the water and the,
whatever the kind of Latin hokum
350
00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:27,301
they need to do
the little dance around.
351
00:15:27,384 --> 00:15:30,846
And just do it for each woman
coming in and then, boom!
352
00:15:30,929 --> 00:15:35,017
Guaranteed soul
right up to heaven, every time.
353
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:39,188
And I think that the vibe
outside an angel factory
354
00:15:39,271 --> 00:15:42,691
with the Christians hanging out
will be different than those
355
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:45,152
at the abortion clinic.
I think it'd be more festive.
356
00:15:45,235 --> 00:15:48,739
- Just like...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
357
00:15:52,910 --> 00:15:54,912
Just standing around
watching the counter
358
00:15:54,995 --> 00:15:56,163
on the side of the building.
359
00:15:59,124 --> 00:16:01,168
Maybe there's a bell
on top of it.
360
00:16:01,251 --> 00:16:05,297
Bing! "Hallelujah! Praise Jesus.
361
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:09,593
When the bell rings,
an angel gets its wings.
362
00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:12,096
We are blessed today.
We are blessed.
363
00:16:12,179 --> 00:16:13,430
Thank you, lady.
364
00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:15,641
Put a little money in the jar.
You're not off the hook."
365
00:16:15,724 --> 00:16:17,810
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
366
00:16:20,187 --> 00:16:22,398
(CLICKS TONGUE) So, okay.
367
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:24,858
I know it's a lot
to get through,
368
00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:28,028
- especially from a Jew.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
369
00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:30,531
(CHUCKLES)
I don't know why I do this.
370
00:16:30,614 --> 00:16:34,201
I don't know why every show,
there's part of me,
371
00:16:34,284 --> 00:16:37,454
that just wants to keep poking
the Jew thing...
372
00:16:37,538 --> 00:16:38,789
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
373
00:16:38,872 --> 00:16:41,542
...just so people who think
they don't have anything
374
00:16:41,625 --> 00:16:44,461
against Jews,
under their breath says,
375
00:16:44,545 --> 00:16:49,216
- "We fucking get it, man."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
376
00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:56,598
(CHUCKLES) I just want you
to find that part of you.
377
00:16:59,601 --> 00:17:03,230
(SIGHS) All right.
So... (CHUCKLES)
378
00:17:05,149 --> 00:17:07,735
...I'm getting old.
379
00:17:07,818 --> 00:17:10,654
I'm 59. It's not really old,
but it's ol-- I'm in a--
380
00:17:10,738 --> 00:17:13,407
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
- Yeah, whatever. I'm in a...
381
00:17:13,490 --> 00:17:19,288
It's no victory.
(CHUCKLES) Just luck.
382
00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:21,832
So-- But it's weird,
you get to a certain age
383
00:17:21,915 --> 00:17:23,751
where like,
like almost every night,
384
00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:26,420
right before I go to sleep,
I'm like, "Is this it?"
385
00:17:26,503 --> 00:17:28,922
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
386
00:17:29,006 --> 00:17:30,507
Right? And then the next thought
is always like,
387
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:34,970
"I gotta get rid of some shit."
(CHUCKLES)
388
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,639
"I got too much shit, man."
389
00:17:38,974 --> 00:17:40,559
But I don't always know
that I'm getting older.
390
00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:41,977
I don't always feel it
because I think
391
00:17:42,060 --> 00:17:44,188
it's a few reasons,
'cause I don't have kids.
392
00:17:44,271 --> 00:17:45,272
I think if you have kids,
393
00:17:45,355 --> 00:17:47,733
you can kinda see
you're dying in your kids.
394
00:17:47,816 --> 00:17:49,985
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
395
00:17:50,068 --> 00:17:51,737
I mean, maybe that's cynical
and I don't really know,
396
00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:52,946
but I have to imagine
397
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:55,073
at some point you're like,
"Happy birthday, son.
398
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:56,825
How old are you today?
Seventeen?
399
00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:59,578
- Fuck, I'm dying."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
400
00:17:59,661 --> 00:18:01,121
"I'm sorry. I meant
to say have fun today.
401
00:18:01,205 --> 00:18:03,999
I don't know. I guess
I was thinking out loud
402
00:18:04,082 --> 00:18:05,209
a little bit."
403
00:18:08,295 --> 00:18:09,338
Mirrors don't really help.
404
00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:11,465
I mean, they do,
but that you can't trust them.
405
00:18:11,548 --> 00:18:13,133
You have a relationship
with your mirror.
406
00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:14,885
It's the same thing
you look at every day.
407
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:16,845
You have a codependent
relationship with the mirror
408
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:19,473
that you look in every day
where you gaslight yourself
409
00:18:19,556 --> 00:18:22,935
into believing
that you're hanging in there.
410
00:18:23,018 --> 00:18:26,271
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
411
00:18:26,355 --> 00:18:27,523
I don't know
what your ritual is,
412
00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:29,691
but it's probably something
along the lines of...
413
00:18:35,405 --> 00:18:41,620
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
414
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:44,581
And then you walk out
into the world
415
00:18:44,665 --> 00:18:46,792
totally deluded...
416
00:18:46,875 --> 00:18:49,336
that you look
the age you think you look.
417
00:18:50,879 --> 00:18:52,297
The only time I know
how I'm getting old,
418
00:18:52,381 --> 00:18:53,257
or that I am getting old,
419
00:18:53,340 --> 00:18:54,508
is when I look
at pictures of myself.
420
00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:55,592
Then it's-- It's somehow,
421
00:18:55,676 --> 00:18:57,553
it's clearer to me
'cause it's separate.
422
00:18:57,636 --> 00:18:58,846
And I look at pictures
and I'm like,
423
00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:01,598
"Oh, my God,
look at my old head!
424
00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:03,225
Look at my old, big head!
425
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:06,061
When did my head
get big and old?"
426
00:19:06,144 --> 00:19:07,896
And it did,
and there's nothing you can do
427
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:09,231
under your head
428
00:19:09,314 --> 00:19:11,775
that's gonna diminish
from your old head.
429
00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:14,027
No matter how you dress.
Everyone--
430
00:19:14,111 --> 00:19:15,696
People are gonna be like,
"Cool boots,
431
00:19:15,779 --> 00:19:18,866
- old head though, right?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
432
00:19:18,949 --> 00:19:22,244
"Yes, it is an old head.
It's an old, honest head.
433
00:19:22,327 --> 00:19:24,454
I do nothing to it."
434
00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:25,873
I can't dye my hair.
Who the hell--
435
00:19:25,956 --> 00:19:28,041
How can you dye
your hair in your mid fifties
436
00:19:28,125 --> 00:19:30,502
as a dude and just--
What, you just expect everyone
437
00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:33,046
in your life to play along
with that decision, like...
438
00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:36,842
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
439
00:19:36,925 --> 00:19:39,136
You just show up one day
and everyone's like, "Oh, fuck,
440
00:19:39,219 --> 00:19:42,180
- I guess that's who he is now."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
441
00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:44,099
"What do you think, man?
You think-- Does it look good?"
442
00:19:44,182 --> 00:19:45,726
I'm like, "What are you
going for, Dracula?
443
00:19:45,809 --> 00:19:48,312
If you're going for Dracula,
you nailed it."
444
00:19:48,395 --> 00:19:49,479
"I did it myself."
"I can tell,
445
00:19:49,563 --> 00:19:52,774
- you dyed your scalp."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
446
00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:54,818
Think it's a little late
to go through a goth period,
447
00:19:54,902 --> 00:19:56,236
don't you? Am I wrong?
448
00:20:01,241 --> 00:20:02,993
And I think about what kind
of old guy I'm gonna be.
449
00:20:03,076 --> 00:20:05,412
I don't know, like,
you know, I'm approaching it,
450
00:20:05,495 --> 00:20:07,581
but, like, I know guys
in their eighties.
451
00:20:07,664 --> 00:20:08,832
Like, and I've decided that
452
00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:11,877
there's like two kinds
of old guys in their eighties.
453
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,086
Like, there's the kinda guy
454
00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:14,838
that no matter
what kinda life he had,
455
00:20:14,922 --> 00:20:16,089
you know,
he's got some humility,
456
00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:17,799
he knows where he's at
in his life.
457
00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:20,010
You know, he's got
a certain amount of acceptance,
458
00:20:20,093 --> 00:20:21,470
you know, the kinda guy
that's like,
459
00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:22,512
"Yeah, you know, life was hard,
460
00:20:22,596 --> 00:20:24,139
but, you know,
it was up and down.
461
00:20:24,222 --> 00:20:26,016
But I'm just happy
to have another day.
462
00:20:26,099 --> 00:20:28,268
I'm grateful,
and I'm just gonna sit here
463
00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:30,562
and watch the water."
464
00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:34,316
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
465
00:20:34,399 --> 00:20:36,568
Right? That guy.
466
00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:37,986
And then there's
the other guy in his eighties
467
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:39,529
that no matter
what kind of life he had,
468
00:20:39,613 --> 00:20:41,406
in his mind,
he got fucked somehow.
469
00:20:41,490 --> 00:20:42,616
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
470
00:20:42,699 --> 00:20:45,327
"The whole thing was bullshit.
It was all bullshit.
471
00:20:45,410 --> 00:20:49,247
No money left. No fucking money.
Two ex-wives. No money.
472
00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:50,624
One of my kids
doesn't talk to me.
473
00:20:50,707 --> 00:20:54,336
- The one that does is a moron."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
474
00:20:54,419 --> 00:20:56,380
"Fuck the whole thing,
it was bullshit.
475
00:20:56,463 --> 00:20:58,465
Just gonna sit here
and watch this asshole,
476
00:20:58,548 --> 00:20:59,675
watch the water."
477
00:20:59,758 --> 00:21:02,094
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
478
00:21:02,177 --> 00:21:04,846
"My best friend here,
the water watcher.
479
00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:06,390
Not mad at this guy."
480
00:21:06,473 --> 00:21:07,975
"Not today, you're not,
but yesterday--"
481
00:21:08,058 --> 00:21:11,603
- "Shut up. Don't talk."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
482
00:21:13,814 --> 00:21:15,440
MARC MARON:
I have old guys in my life.
483
00:21:15,524 --> 00:21:19,236
My dad's still alive.
My dad is 84 years old.
484
00:21:19,319 --> 00:21:20,612
- Don't. No. Don't.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
485
00:21:20,696 --> 00:21:22,572
I get-- Don't.
Hold your applause...
486
00:21:22,656 --> 00:21:24,324
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
487
00:21:24,408 --> 00:21:26,159
...'cause I have to preface
this material by...
488
00:21:26,243 --> 00:21:28,203
with some honesty.
My-- For most of my life,
489
00:21:28,286 --> 00:21:30,664
my father
was very self-centered.
490
00:21:30,747 --> 00:21:31,665
He had bipolar,
491
00:21:31,748 --> 00:21:33,709
emotionally abusive,
narcissistic fuck.
492
00:21:33,792 --> 00:21:37,379
Now, the only reason
I'm telling you that
493
00:21:37,462 --> 00:21:38,714
is because
I don't want you to have
494
00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:43,468
- the wrong amount of empathy...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
495
00:21:43,552 --> 00:21:45,137
...when I do
these next few jokes.
496
00:21:45,220 --> 00:21:46,555
I don't want you,
497
00:21:46,638 --> 00:21:48,765
I don't want you rooting
for the wrong guy.
498
00:21:48,849 --> 00:21:54,312
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
499
00:21:54,396 --> 00:21:55,272
My father's 84,
500
00:21:55,355 --> 00:21:56,523
recently diagnosed
with dementia.
501
00:21:56,606 --> 00:21:59,526
- We're all pretty excited.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
502
00:22:03,196 --> 00:22:06,616
Everyone's dealing with this,
everyone's dealing with this.
503
00:22:06,700 --> 00:22:09,327
And I gotta be honest with you,
he's right at the beginning,
504
00:22:09,411 --> 00:22:11,371
so he's still got
almost all his old memories.
505
00:22:11,455 --> 00:22:15,333
Day of stuff's a little tricky.
But to be honest,
506
00:22:15,417 --> 00:22:17,294
he's very pleasant
to be around right now.
507
00:22:17,377 --> 00:22:20,964
He's open,
he's kinda funny. He's warm.
508
00:22:21,048 --> 00:22:22,466
Look, I guess
what I'm saying is,
509
00:22:22,549 --> 00:22:25,927
I know it's a terrible disease,
but don't miss the sweet spot.
510
00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:29,473
- It's...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
511
00:22:29,556 --> 00:22:30,766
...I think it's right
at the beginning.
512
00:22:30,849 --> 00:22:33,435
It's just lovely.
It really is just lovely.
513
00:22:36,396 --> 00:22:37,731
I'll just walk up to him
and be like,
514
00:22:37,814 --> 00:22:39,483
"How you doing, Dad?
How you doing?"
515
00:22:39,566 --> 00:22:40,942
I rub his little head.
516
00:22:41,610 --> 00:22:42,652
People get uncomfortable
517
00:22:42,736 --> 00:22:44,237
when they think of me
rubbing my dad's head.
518
00:22:44,321 --> 00:22:45,697
What am I supposed to be doing?
519
00:22:45,781 --> 00:22:49,076
- "What's my name?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
520
00:22:49,159 --> 00:22:51,870
"Where do you live?
Do you know where you live?
521
00:22:53,288 --> 00:22:55,123
What day is today?"
522
00:22:58,668 --> 00:23:01,963
That's what they've earned at 84
is for you to selfishly
523
00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:04,758
yell at them thinking it helps
524
00:23:04,841 --> 00:23:07,469
as they look at you
confused and crying.
525
00:23:11,181 --> 00:23:13,433
But I'm showing up for him,
which is interesting, you know,
526
00:23:13,517 --> 00:23:15,268
because we did
have a difficult relationship
527
00:23:15,352 --> 00:23:21,108
and it's kinda nice
to live to be my age
528
00:23:21,191 --> 00:23:22,567
and have your parents alive,
529
00:23:22,651 --> 00:23:24,236
because, look, I'm one
of those people.
530
00:23:24,319 --> 00:23:27,948
I have a hard time
when people my age say,
531
00:23:28,031 --> 00:23:29,449
"Aren't you a little old
532
00:23:29,533 --> 00:23:31,743
to still be mad
at your parents?"
533
00:23:33,703 --> 00:23:37,040
- "No."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
534
00:23:39,126 --> 00:23:42,295
- "They did it."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
535
00:23:42,379 --> 00:23:48,343
(APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
536
00:23:48,426 --> 00:23:50,178
(CHUCKLES) I love my audience
537
00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:51,847
because I just know
there's a room full of people
538
00:23:51,930 --> 00:23:54,724
that were-- They only
had maybe one good parent.
539
00:23:54,808 --> 00:23:56,351
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
540
00:23:56,434 --> 00:24:00,772
Maybe. So it's a big room
full of broken toys in here.
541
00:24:00,856 --> 00:24:04,025
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
- (CHUCKLES)
542
00:24:04,109 --> 00:24:07,779
Every day is a fucking challenge
and you're overly sensitive
543
00:24:07,863 --> 00:24:10,699
and just... (CHUCKLES)
...battling dread all the time
544
00:24:10,782 --> 00:24:12,826
and wondering
if you're talented.
545
00:24:12,909 --> 00:24:14,578
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- So...
546
00:24:16,913 --> 00:24:19,207
So, my dad, so, he's like--
Okay, so, here's the thing.
547
00:24:19,291 --> 00:24:22,002
I'm like, I'm showing up
for the guy, like I said before.
548
00:24:22,085 --> 00:24:25,505
And it is weird,
but something gives way,
549
00:24:25,589 --> 00:24:26,882
no matter how difficult
550
00:24:26,965 --> 00:24:30,343
the relationship was between you
and that parent or both of them.
551
00:24:30,427 --> 00:24:32,304
Like, you get old enough,
and, you know, in your mind,
552
00:24:32,387 --> 00:24:34,514
you're sort of like,
"I kind of won."
553
00:24:34,598 --> 00:24:38,852
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
554
00:24:38,935 --> 00:24:41,146
So, I'm gonna go out there,
you know?
555
00:24:41,229 --> 00:24:42,647
But I go out there
to hang out with him.
556
00:24:42,731 --> 00:24:44,858
You know, the dementia
is new to him, it's new to me.
557
00:24:44,941 --> 00:24:47,360
I don't know his life that well.
558
00:24:47,444 --> 00:24:48,820
And I'll take him out
to this Chinese place.
559
00:24:48,904 --> 00:24:50,030
The last time I was there,
560
00:24:50,113 --> 00:24:53,283
we go to the Chinese place
and I order, you know,
561
00:24:53,366 --> 00:24:55,118
soup and some entrées.
562
00:24:55,202 --> 00:24:56,620
And we're just sitting there,
me and my dad,
563
00:24:56,703 --> 00:24:57,621
just sitting there,
564
00:24:57,704 --> 00:24:59,539
and he just picks up
his soup spoon
565
00:24:59,623 --> 00:25:03,084
- and he fills it with soy sauce.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
566
00:25:03,168 --> 00:25:08,757
And he's looking right at me,
right in my face. (SLURPS)
567
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:11,760
And he just sucks the spoonful
of soy sauce down.
568
00:25:11,843 --> 00:25:13,595
And my only thought
in that moment was,
569
00:25:13,678 --> 00:25:15,222
"I didn't know my dad did that."
570
00:25:15,305 --> 00:25:20,352
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
571
00:25:20,435 --> 00:25:21,519
"I really haven't gone out
to Chinese
572
00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:22,771
with him
in a long time, I guess."
573
00:25:22,854 --> 00:25:25,649
You know. That's wild.
Right out of the spoon.
574
00:25:27,359 --> 00:25:29,986
Yeah, I watched him fill it
up again. He filled it up again.
575
00:25:30,904 --> 00:25:34,950
He's looking right at me.
(SLURPS)
576
00:25:35,033 --> 00:25:37,994
And I said, "Is that good?"
And he said, "I like it."
577
00:25:38,078 --> 00:25:42,540
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
578
00:25:42,624 --> 00:25:45,126
He did it three times...
579
00:25:45,210 --> 00:25:47,879
before my brain was like,
"He has dementia.
580
00:25:49,381 --> 00:25:50,757
Take the spoon away from him,
581
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:54,219
or he'll drink all the soy sauce
one spoonful at a time."
582
00:25:58,473 --> 00:25:59,391
So I put the spoon down.
583
00:25:59,474 --> 00:26:00,600
"Dad, we're gonna
have food coming."
584
00:26:00,684 --> 00:26:02,435
And he's like, "All right.
Now, there he is."
585
00:26:02,519 --> 00:26:04,271
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
586
00:26:04,354 --> 00:26:05,563
Every time I do that
to his head,
587
00:26:05,647 --> 00:26:07,399
he's like... (CHUCKLES)
588
00:26:07,482 --> 00:26:10,235
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
589
00:26:15,365 --> 00:26:16,700
And, look, I know. (SIGHS)
590
00:26:16,783 --> 00:26:19,244
I know it's a terrible disease
and...
591
00:26:20,412 --> 00:26:22,122
you know, and at some point,
he's--
592
00:26:22,205 --> 00:26:24,249
he's not going to know
who I am anymore. I know that.
593
00:26:24,332 --> 00:26:28,545
(CLICKS TONGUE) And I also know,
on that day,
594
00:26:28,628 --> 00:26:32,590
- I will be truly free.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
595
00:26:35,427 --> 00:26:38,054
"Hey, Dad, how you feeling?"
"Who the fuck are you?"
596
00:26:38,138 --> 00:26:41,349
- "Yes! It's over."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
597
00:26:41,433 --> 00:26:42,684
"The most toxic relationship
598
00:26:42,767 --> 00:26:45,687
of my life just ended, buddy,
just ended."
599
00:26:45,770 --> 00:26:47,439
"Who the fuck are you?"
"Doesn't matter.
600
00:26:47,522 --> 00:26:51,318
Doesn't matter. I thought
I knew you. My bad. My bad."
601
00:26:52,360 --> 00:26:54,779
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (CHUCKLES)
602
00:26:56,323 --> 00:26:58,825
So I have this other old man
in my life.
603
00:26:58,908 --> 00:27:00,327
My mother is still alive.
But I can't--
604
00:27:00,410 --> 00:27:02,078
I'm going to go easy on her
because she's still,
605
00:27:02,162 --> 00:27:06,666
- you know, cognizant.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
606
00:27:06,750 --> 00:27:08,001
It's not great.
607
00:27:09,085 --> 00:27:10,211
But she's got this boyfriend.
608
00:27:10,295 --> 00:27:12,547
Do you still call him
a boyfriend when they're 85?
609
00:27:12,630 --> 00:27:14,549
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
610
00:27:14,632 --> 00:27:18,428
The guy who's fucking my mother
is 85 years old and...
611
00:27:20,597 --> 00:27:22,891
I should be nothing but grateful
that he's fucking my mother.
612
00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:27,020
I should thank God every day
that John is fucking my mother.
613
00:27:27,103 --> 00:27:30,023
Right. It's great.
Takes a load off of me.
614
00:27:30,106 --> 00:27:33,568
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
615
00:27:33,651 --> 00:27:38,323
- In a metaphorical way.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
616
00:27:41,284 --> 00:27:42,327
But John's difficult.
617
00:27:42,410 --> 00:27:43,870
And it's not
'cause he's fucking my mother.
618
00:27:43,953 --> 00:27:47,999
I mean, like, I'm 59. He's 85.
Is there a point
619
00:27:48,083 --> 00:27:49,667
where you grow past
that sort of like,
620
00:27:49,751 --> 00:27:51,461
"Why are you
fucking this guy, Ma?"
621
00:27:51,544 --> 00:27:54,672
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
622
00:27:56,549 --> 00:27:57,842
But they've been together
a long time.
623
00:27:57,926 --> 00:28:00,053
He's just annoying, you know?
And I try to be tolerant.
624
00:28:00,136 --> 00:28:02,555
But he's one of these old guys
that, you know... (CHUCKLES)
625
00:28:02,639 --> 00:28:04,849
He just talks. He talks a lot.
626
00:28:04,933 --> 00:28:07,477
He thinks he's telling stories,
but he's not really.
627
00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:09,646
They don't go anywhere.
They don't land.
628
00:28:09,729 --> 00:28:11,356
You don't even know
they're over,
629
00:28:11,439 --> 00:28:14,067
you know,
until he wistfully says,
630
00:28:14,150 --> 00:28:15,902
"It was a different time."
You know?
631
00:28:15,985 --> 00:28:18,947
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- And it's annoying, you know?
632
00:28:19,030 --> 00:28:20,615
Like, I'll go over there
and he'll be like,
633
00:28:20,698 --> 00:28:22,867
"Marc. Marc, come here.
Let me tell you something."
634
00:28:22,951 --> 00:28:26,830
"What?" "Listen." "Okay?"
"When I was younger,
635
00:28:26,913 --> 00:28:28,248
we used to go
to the delicatessen,
636
00:28:28,331 --> 00:28:32,919
maybe have a sandwich,
some coffee, talk a little bit.
637
00:28:33,002 --> 00:28:36,673
- It was a different time."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
638
00:28:36,756 --> 00:28:39,467
"Is that the whole thing?
That's the whole story?"
639
00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:41,594
"Why you got to be a wiseass?"
"It's just not a story.
640
00:28:41,678 --> 00:28:43,763
I mean, there was probably
a story in there.
641
00:28:43,847 --> 00:28:45,348
You know, what deli?
Who were you talking to?
642
00:28:45,432 --> 00:28:47,809
What kind of sandwich?
A lot of options.
643
00:28:47,892 --> 00:28:51,020
- You chose none of them. Zero."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
644
00:28:52,397 --> 00:28:54,899
"I can't talk to you." "Good.
Don't fucking talk to me or..."
645
00:28:54,983 --> 00:28:56,860
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
646
00:28:56,943 --> 00:28:58,278
"...get some sort
of narrative arc going.
647
00:28:58,361 --> 00:29:02,532
Flesh it out a little bit.
Land it. Land it."
648
00:29:04,451 --> 00:29:05,452
(CLICKS TONGUE)
649
00:29:05,535 --> 00:29:07,745
"Marc. Come here,
let me tell you something."
650
00:29:07,829 --> 00:29:09,414
"What? What is it?"
651
00:29:09,497 --> 00:29:12,792
"Listen." "Okay?"
"When I was younger."
652
00:29:13,168 --> 00:29:14,169
"Yeah?"
653
00:29:14,252 --> 00:29:16,337
"We used to go out
maybe on a Saturday night
654
00:29:16,421 --> 00:29:19,132
with the ladies, to a show.
655
00:29:19,215 --> 00:29:21,468
Always shined my shoes. Always.
656
00:29:22,844 --> 00:29:26,306
- Different time."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
657
00:29:28,016 --> 00:29:29,684
"Not a story, again,
not a story."
658
00:29:29,767 --> 00:29:32,812
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- "Why you got to be a wiseass?"
659
00:29:32,896 --> 00:29:34,814
"I'm just saying,
there was a story in there?
660
00:29:34,898 --> 00:29:36,941
What show? What ladies?
What year?
661
00:29:37,025 --> 00:29:39,986
The type of shoe
would be a nice detail."
662
00:29:40,069 --> 00:29:41,821
"Maybe that's just me."
"I can't talk to you."
663
00:29:41,905 --> 00:29:45,658
"Good. Don't fucking talk to me.
Do me a favor."
664
00:29:50,997 --> 00:29:53,833
- "Marc." "What?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
665
00:29:53,917 --> 00:29:56,377
"Listen." "What? What is it?"
666
00:29:56,461 --> 00:29:59,380
"New York City." "Okay, yeah?"
667
00:30:00,215 --> 00:30:01,925
"It's raining outside."
668
00:30:02,592 --> 00:30:04,052
"Okay."
669
00:30:04,135 --> 00:30:07,138
- "Different time."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
670
00:30:10,683 --> 00:30:13,269
"Wait, are these poems?
These are poems.
671
00:30:13,353 --> 00:30:14,646
I thought you're trying
to tell stories,
672
00:30:14,729 --> 00:30:17,023
but these are actually poems
and they're kind of good.
673
00:30:17,106 --> 00:30:18,816
You're kind of an amazing poet.
674
00:30:18,900 --> 00:30:22,445
Maybe we should self-publish
an anthology of your poetry.
675
00:30:22,529 --> 00:30:26,366
And just call it, It Was
a Different Time: The Poems.
676
00:30:26,449 --> 00:30:27,575
Like, I could blurb it for you.
677
00:30:27,659 --> 00:30:30,787
Quote, 'These little bits
and pieces of his life
678
00:30:30,870 --> 00:30:32,497
are just vague enough
to make you wonder
679
00:30:32,580 --> 00:30:34,916
what it was like to be him
during the times
680
00:30:34,999 --> 00:30:36,376
he doesn't really
tell you about...'"
681
00:30:36,459 --> 00:30:37,794
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
682
00:30:37,877 --> 00:30:40,421
"...unquote. Marc Maron,
683
00:30:40,505 --> 00:30:44,592
stand up-comic, podcaster,
his girlfriend's son."
684
00:30:44,676 --> 00:30:48,346
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
685
00:30:48,429 --> 00:30:49,931
MARC: But the point
I was trying to make
686
00:30:50,014 --> 00:30:51,099
is that the mortality thing,
687
00:30:51,182 --> 00:30:54,561
the idea of impending death,
which is, you know,
688
00:30:54,644 --> 00:30:59,023
pretty much going to happen.
To everyone.
689
00:30:59,816 --> 00:31:02,110
It's right there.
690
00:31:02,193 --> 00:31:05,780
And I know a lot of you know me
and you know my life
691
00:31:05,863 --> 00:31:07,156
'cause you listen to me
all the time.
692
00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:09,617
And you know that during COVID,
my partner, my girlfriend,
693
00:31:09,701 --> 00:31:12,829
Lynn Shelton, the director,
the genius passed away.
694
00:31:12,912 --> 00:31:13,830
She didn't get COVID.
695
00:31:13,913 --> 00:31:16,291
- Thank you, I...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
696
00:31:16,374 --> 00:31:20,295
I'm assuming that's applaud
of recognition.
697
00:31:20,378 --> 00:31:22,630
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (CHUCKLES)
698
00:31:22,714 --> 00:31:25,133
"Thank God, she's gone. Jesus."
699
00:31:25,216 --> 00:31:29,012
So... (SHUSHES) Take it easy.
700
00:31:29,095 --> 00:31:31,306
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- It'll be okay.
701
00:31:31,389 --> 00:31:33,516
I can get right back
into the sad tone.
702
00:31:37,061 --> 00:31:38,104
But she did. She passed away.
703
00:31:38,187 --> 00:31:39,314
And it was the most
horrible thing
704
00:31:39,397 --> 00:31:41,899
that's ever happened to me.
And I'm sure to her.
705
00:31:41,983 --> 00:31:45,028
- And...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
706
00:31:50,116 --> 00:31:51,367
It was right there.
707
00:31:53,786 --> 00:31:57,123
But let me get serious.
You know, she did die
708
00:31:57,206 --> 00:32:01,002
and it was a terrible tragedy.
And the truth is, like,
709
00:32:01,085 --> 00:32:02,587
I'm a guy
who talks about his life.
710
00:32:02,670 --> 00:32:04,964
So I wasn't clear
how that was gonna go.
711
00:32:05,048 --> 00:32:06,466
How am I going
to talk about that?
712
00:32:06,549 --> 00:32:07,842
You know, "Is that ever
going to happen?
713
00:32:07,925 --> 00:32:10,678
Is there a way to bring
humor to that?"
714
00:32:10,762 --> 00:32:12,680
Because I'm not really
the kind of guy
715
00:32:12,764 --> 00:32:14,557
that's like, "She's dead,
what are the bits?
716
00:32:14,641 --> 00:32:16,684
- Let's get going." You know?
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
717
00:32:16,768 --> 00:32:19,103
But there was also moments
where I'm like,
718
00:32:19,187 --> 00:32:20,188
"Well, maybe I can't do it.
719
00:32:20,271 --> 00:32:21,981
Maybe I have to do something
more serious.
720
00:32:22,065 --> 00:32:24,942
Maybe I have to do maybe
a Jewish themed one-man show,
721
00:32:25,026 --> 00:32:27,403
you know, maybe, like,
Marc Maron's Kaddish:
722
00:32:27,487 --> 00:32:30,490
A Prayer for the Dead,"
you know,
723
00:32:30,573 --> 00:32:33,660
sort of a black box theater.
You know, before the show,
724
00:32:33,743 --> 00:32:39,207
there's like Israeli music
playing, you know. (VOCALIZES)
725
00:32:39,290 --> 00:32:41,292
And then the lights come up
and I just lean into it.
726
00:32:41,376 --> 00:32:44,754
(IN HEBREW)
♪ Yis-gadal, v'yis-kadash! ♪
727
00:32:44,837 --> 00:32:48,800
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
728
00:32:48,883 --> 00:32:50,218
People would walk out
of that show going,
729
00:32:50,301 --> 00:32:53,221
"Definitely wasn't funny,
wasn't funny at all.
730
00:32:53,304 --> 00:32:55,598
And I like him. He's funny.
But this was very sad.
731
00:32:55,682 --> 00:32:57,058
But I'm glad he did it.
732
00:32:57,141 --> 00:32:58,976
He seemed to, like, really work
through some stuff.
733
00:32:59,060 --> 00:33:01,062
But not one laugh.
Not one laugh.
734
00:33:01,145 --> 00:33:02,063
And I'm not Jewish,
735
00:33:02,146 --> 00:33:04,023
so I missed half
the references."
736
00:33:04,107 --> 00:33:08,653
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
737
00:33:08,736 --> 00:33:10,530
But then I thought, "Well,
maybe how about a TED talk?
738
00:33:10,613 --> 00:33:12,115
People do TED talks.
I could do a TED talk.
739
00:33:12,198 --> 00:33:14,200
How hard is a fucking TED talk?
I just have to get one
740
00:33:14,283 --> 00:33:17,203
of those weird, you know,
earphone, microphones.
741
00:33:17,286 --> 00:33:19,372
You know, change my posture
a little bit."
742
00:33:19,455 --> 00:33:21,207
You know, like, "Everyone dies."
743
00:33:21,290 --> 00:33:24,669
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
744
00:33:24,752 --> 00:33:26,045
"I'm gonna die.
745
00:33:26,129 --> 00:33:32,885
You're going to die. We all die.
I'm Marc Maron. I'm a comedian."
746
00:33:32,969 --> 00:33:38,766
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
747
00:33:38,850 --> 00:33:40,309
But then, ultimately,
what happens is I realize,
748
00:33:40,393 --> 00:33:41,602
well, you're just going
to talk about it.
749
00:33:41,686 --> 00:33:42,937
You know, somehow or another,
you figured out
750
00:33:43,020 --> 00:33:44,647
you're gonna talk about it
and if, you know,
751
00:33:44,731 --> 00:33:46,524
you need to talk about it
in a funny way,
752
00:33:46,607 --> 00:33:47,525
it will happen at some point
753
00:33:47,608 --> 00:33:50,027
if it's necessary,
which it always is.
754
00:33:50,111 --> 00:33:52,405
But, like, I realize, you know,
and thinking about it that,
755
00:33:52,488 --> 00:33:54,449
you know, no one really talks
about grief.
756
00:33:54,532 --> 00:33:55,700
No one talks about PTSD.
757
00:33:55,783 --> 00:33:57,201
No one knows
how to process this stuff.
758
00:33:57,285 --> 00:34:00,747
Everybody has it. It's just,
you know, locked into us.
759
00:34:00,830 --> 00:34:02,165
And there's not a conversation.
760
00:34:02,248 --> 00:34:03,583
There's not really
a cultural conversation
761
00:34:03,666 --> 00:34:06,794
around it. And it's difficult.
You know, when she died,
762
00:34:06,878 --> 00:34:08,796
the only things that really
kind of stuck in my head
763
00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:11,257
was that I'm not the victim,
you know, she is.
764
00:34:11,340 --> 00:34:12,383
And it's horrible.
765
00:34:12,467 --> 00:34:15,052
And, you know,
this is not unusual.
766
00:34:15,136 --> 00:34:17,305
People die in people's lives.
Tragedy happens.
767
00:34:17,388 --> 00:34:18,556
You hope
it doesn't happen to you,
768
00:34:18,639 --> 00:34:20,767
but it happens
to probably most people.
769
00:34:20,850 --> 00:34:21,934
And then the Jewish thing,
you know,
770
00:34:22,018 --> 00:34:23,269
"May her memory be a blessing."
771
00:34:23,352 --> 00:34:25,313
These sort of,
you know, kept me going.
772
00:34:25,396 --> 00:34:27,815
And it was a difficult time
to grieve because it was COVID,
773
00:34:27,899 --> 00:34:29,942
so, you know,
no one could really come by.
774
00:34:30,026 --> 00:34:32,653
People reached out,
but there was not a lot of,
775
00:34:32,737 --> 00:34:34,322
you know, human contact,
and I guess--
776
00:34:34,405 --> 00:34:38,076
I'd be honest with you,
I got very tired of crying
777
00:34:38,159 --> 00:34:40,286
in front of strangers,
my neighbors.
778
00:34:40,369 --> 00:34:42,038
'Cause I didn't know them.
And it was in the paper.
779
00:34:42,121 --> 00:34:44,081
And this is how I met
my neighbors.
780
00:34:44,165 --> 00:34:45,208
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
781
00:34:45,291 --> 00:34:47,335
You know, and grief
is a fucked up thing.
782
00:34:47,418 --> 00:34:49,754
You know, I remember, like,
a week after she died,
783
00:34:49,837 --> 00:34:51,380
I was just taking
my garbage out
784
00:34:51,464 --> 00:34:54,342
and from across the street,
I hear, "Hey, Marc, I'm Troy.
785
00:34:54,425 --> 00:34:56,010
I live across the street.
How are you doing, man?"
786
00:34:56,094 --> 00:34:59,806
I'm like, "Not good, dude!
It's not good."
787
00:34:59,889 --> 00:35:01,682
He's like, "Yeah, I bet, buddy.
I bet."
788
00:35:01,766 --> 00:35:03,851
"It's fucking terrible."
"I bet, man.
789
00:35:03,935 --> 00:35:05,269
Well, I'm just
across the street."
790
00:35:05,353 --> 00:35:07,647
"I know, man. I see you.
You're right there."
791
00:35:07,730 --> 00:35:11,108
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
792
00:35:11,192 --> 00:35:13,986
And he just stood there
until I stopped crying.
793
00:35:14,070 --> 00:35:15,571
And I was like, "Thanks, man."
794
00:35:15,655 --> 00:35:18,074
That's-- I feel better, buddy.
I feel better."
795
00:35:18,157 --> 00:35:19,575
"Nice meeting you, dude."
796
00:35:21,118 --> 00:35:22,370
It was that moment
where I realized, like,
797
00:35:22,453 --> 00:35:24,664
it doesn't take much to show up
for somebody in grief.
798
00:35:24,747 --> 00:35:26,415
And a lot of us,
when it happens in our lives,
799
00:35:26,499 --> 00:35:28,084
you're like, "What do I do?
What do I say?"
800
00:35:28,167 --> 00:35:32,004
You don't have to say anything.
You barely have to show up.
801
00:35:32,088 --> 00:35:34,382
You don't even
have to invest emotionally.
802
00:35:34,465 --> 00:35:37,051
You just have to be like,
"How you doing?"
803
00:35:37,134 --> 00:35:39,846
Wait till they stop crying
and go like, "Okay."
804
00:35:39,929 --> 00:35:41,681
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- And they'll think
805
00:35:41,764 --> 00:35:43,057
you're the greatest person
in the world.
806
00:35:43,140 --> 00:35:45,309
Like, "You really showed up
for me when I was grieving."
807
00:35:45,393 --> 00:35:47,395
I'm like, "Really?
Oh, yeah. Okay."
808
00:35:47,478 --> 00:35:49,647
- So...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
809
00:35:51,023 --> 00:35:53,401
But it was just weird because,
you know, it was COVID.
810
00:35:53,484 --> 00:35:55,528
And, you know,
I just sit on my porch
811
00:35:55,611 --> 00:35:57,071
and people I knew
would come over
812
00:35:57,154 --> 00:35:59,490
and they stand in the yard,
you know, with their mask on.
813
00:35:59,574 --> 00:36:01,617
I felt like a zoo exhibit.
814
00:36:01,701 --> 00:36:03,870
There should've just been a sign
that said, "Grieving Man."
815
00:36:03,953 --> 00:36:06,873
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- And I would just sit there
816
00:36:06,956 --> 00:36:08,249
and people would show up,
they'd be like,
817
00:36:08,332 --> 00:36:10,418
"How are you doing?"
I'm like, "Not great."
818
00:36:10,501 --> 00:36:11,586
"We brought food."
819
00:36:11,669 --> 00:36:15,590
- "Slide it into the cage."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
820
00:36:17,508 --> 00:36:20,344
"Oh, bagels. I like bagels.
821
00:36:20,428 --> 00:36:23,389
Grieving Man feeding time."
(CHOMPS)
822
00:36:26,350 --> 00:36:29,604
People wanna help you.
You want to be helped.
823
00:36:29,687 --> 00:36:31,856
You want to feel better.
You want it to go away.
824
00:36:31,939 --> 00:36:34,358
But it doesn't,
because it happened.
825
00:36:34,442 --> 00:36:36,611
And you realize over time
that it'll never go away.
826
00:36:36,694 --> 00:36:40,197
But people want to help
and you want to feel better.
827
00:36:40,281 --> 00:36:41,407
If you have smart friends,
828
00:36:41,490 --> 00:36:44,201
you'll get, like, six copies
of the Joan Didion book.
829
00:36:44,285 --> 00:36:48,080
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
830
00:36:48,164 --> 00:36:49,457
It seems like there's a group
of people
831
00:36:49,540 --> 00:36:51,042
that as soon
as someone dies, man,
832
00:36:51,125 --> 00:36:54,045
The Year of Magical Thinking
goes out.
833
00:36:56,547 --> 00:36:58,049
And you read it
'cause you want to feel better.
834
00:36:58,132 --> 00:37:00,718
And you're like, "All right.
So her husband died, too.
835
00:37:00,801 --> 00:37:03,679
- Didn't really help me."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
836
00:37:03,763 --> 00:37:06,515
But if you're a creative person,
it adds another level of despair
837
00:37:06,599 --> 00:37:09,310
'cause you're like, "Fuck,
do I need to start writing now?"
838
00:37:09,393 --> 00:37:11,979
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
839
00:37:13,439 --> 00:37:15,399
People tell you things
that they want,
840
00:37:15,483 --> 00:37:16,943
they think
will make you feel better.
841
00:37:17,026 --> 00:37:18,110
like, I remember someone
told me,
842
00:37:18,194 --> 00:37:19,779
I can't remember who it was.
843
00:37:19,862 --> 00:37:22,073
They said, "Hey, man, you know,
844
00:37:22,156 --> 00:37:24,700
when people die,
they don't really leave.
845
00:37:24,784 --> 00:37:26,994
You know, their energy
is still here."
846
00:37:27,078 --> 00:37:29,497
And I'm like,
"How is that helpful?"
847
00:37:29,580 --> 00:37:32,083
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
848
00:37:32,166 --> 00:37:34,377
"I got used to her
in a human form."
849
00:37:36,003 --> 00:37:37,797
And this person was like, "Yeah,
but just think about it, man,
850
00:37:37,880 --> 00:37:41,092
everyone who's ever died,
their energy is still here."
851
00:37:41,175 --> 00:37:45,012
- And I'm like, "Okay."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
852
00:37:45,096 --> 00:37:46,180
But oddly, you know,
853
00:37:46,263 --> 00:37:49,517
when you're fucking sad,
you'll go mystical.
854
00:37:49,600 --> 00:37:50,768
You need it.
855
00:37:50,851 --> 00:37:52,770
A couple of days
after that guy told me that,
856
00:37:52,853 --> 00:37:54,397
I'm just sitting on my porch
857
00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:56,983
and a hummingbird came
right up to my head,
858
00:37:57,066 --> 00:37:58,401
just like... (IMITATES BUZZING)
859
00:37:58,484 --> 00:38:01,612
I'm like, "Oh, my God! Lynn!
Lynn, you're a hummingbird now.
860
00:38:01,696 --> 00:38:04,156
Of course, you are.
That makes so much sense."
861
00:38:04,240 --> 00:38:08,911
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
862
00:38:08,995 --> 00:38:10,371
"I miss you, baby.
I can't believe
863
00:38:10,454 --> 00:38:13,749
you're a hummingbird.
What's that like? That's crazy."
864
00:38:17,962 --> 00:38:18,879
And then the next day
865
00:38:18,963 --> 00:38:20,047
there were, like,
four hummingbirds
866
00:38:20,131 --> 00:38:21,507
and I'm like,
"What the fuck is happening?"
867
00:38:21,590 --> 00:38:24,218
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
868
00:38:24,301 --> 00:38:26,887
"Which one is Lynn? Who's Lynn?
869
00:38:26,971 --> 00:38:28,806
Is this, like, Lynn
and her new dead friends?
870
00:38:28,889 --> 00:38:31,350
This is what happens
when people die.
871
00:38:31,434 --> 00:38:33,185
They just become birds
of one kind or another.
872
00:38:33,269 --> 00:38:35,271
That's going to disappoint
some Christians."
873
00:38:35,354 --> 00:38:39,692
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (MARC CLICKS TONGUE, CHUCKLES)
874
00:38:39,775 --> 00:38:44,739
"Everything will be amazing
when you're a bird."
875
00:38:46,198 --> 00:38:48,200
(CHUCKLES)
876
00:38:48,284 --> 00:38:52,788
- "Put the money in the jar."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
877
00:38:52,872 --> 00:38:55,458
But the bird thing kind of stuck
because, like, at some point,
878
00:38:55,541 --> 00:38:58,085
like, a bird, you know,
built a nest right above
879
00:38:58,169 --> 00:39:01,088
where I walk into my house
and they just shit so much.
880
00:39:01,172 --> 00:39:02,673
It's, like, astounding.
881
00:39:02,757 --> 00:39:04,467
If you really just take a minute
to think, like,
882
00:39:04,550 --> 00:39:07,428
"How much do birds shit?"
It's a lot.
883
00:39:07,511 --> 00:39:10,264
And I have to be careful
walking into my house
884
00:39:10,347 --> 00:39:12,558
because the bird was shitting,
and at some point I said,
885
00:39:12,641 --> 00:39:14,351
"Hey, baby,
I'm not going to forget you.
886
00:39:14,435 --> 00:39:16,812
- Is there a different way..."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
887
00:39:18,522 --> 00:39:19,565
"...that we can do this?
You know,
888
00:39:19,648 --> 00:39:22,068
I still have the hat and stuff,
and...
889
00:39:22,151 --> 00:39:24,445
the shit thing's kind of tired,
I think."
890
00:39:24,528 --> 00:39:28,574
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
891
00:39:28,657 --> 00:39:31,410
But, look, I miss her
and it's weird
892
00:39:31,494 --> 00:39:33,788
when you lose somebody
because it really, you know,
893
00:39:33,871 --> 00:39:36,123
it wakes you up to some...
894
00:39:36,207 --> 00:39:41,420
To who you are really,
and also how fragile life is.
895
00:39:42,546 --> 00:39:44,340
You know, maybe love
will happen again.
896
00:39:44,423 --> 00:39:45,966
I don't know.
I'm not that great at it.
897
00:39:46,050 --> 00:39:49,720
I just... (CHUCKLES) I come
from very selfish stock,
898
00:39:49,804 --> 00:39:52,681
and I don't have the tools
necessary
899
00:39:52,765 --> 00:39:55,267
to really be as open
as I'd like.
900
00:39:55,351 --> 00:39:57,144
But who knows? It might happen.
I might find love again.
901
00:39:57,228 --> 00:40:00,773
And maybe I'll be sleeping
with a person I love,
902
00:40:00,856 --> 00:40:03,442
having love sex as opposed
to the other kind.
903
00:40:03,526 --> 00:40:06,028
- Equally as good.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
904
00:40:06,821 --> 00:40:07,947
But maybe I'm having love sex
905
00:40:08,030 --> 00:40:10,324
and, you know, it's beautiful
and the woman
906
00:40:10,407 --> 00:40:12,201
I'm having sex with
907
00:40:12,284 --> 00:40:13,953
kind of looks over my shoulder
and she says,
908
00:40:14,036 --> 00:40:16,122
"Why is that hummingbird
just hovering out there?"
909
00:40:16,205 --> 00:40:19,208
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
910
00:40:19,291 --> 00:40:20,543
I'm like, "Yeah,
that's my old girlfriend.
911
00:40:20,626 --> 00:40:22,461
She just-- I don't know.
912
00:40:22,545 --> 00:40:24,171
She just likes
to be part of it sometimes."
913
00:40:24,255 --> 00:40:26,507
"You cool with that?"
"Is she with her friends?"
914
00:40:26,590 --> 00:40:28,134
"Usually there's
four of them and...
915
00:40:29,260 --> 00:40:30,845
it's fucking out of control."
916
00:40:34,807 --> 00:40:36,684
I did wonder, like,
917
00:40:36,767 --> 00:40:39,812
would I ever be able
to be funny about things?
918
00:40:39,895 --> 00:40:41,355
But I find that, like, you know,
919
00:40:41,438 --> 00:40:42,982
humor that comes
from real darkness
920
00:40:43,065 --> 00:40:44,817
is really the best
because it disarms it.
921
00:40:44,900 --> 00:40:47,403
It's elevating to the spirit.
It's why I got into comedy,
922
00:40:47,486 --> 00:40:49,822
because I would watch comics
and they would take things
923
00:40:49,905 --> 00:40:53,159
that were complicated
or horrifying and simplify them
924
00:40:53,242 --> 00:40:55,369
and sort of make you see them
in a different way
925
00:40:55,452 --> 00:40:57,204
and have a laugh.
926
00:40:57,288 --> 00:41:00,040
And I think
it's a beautiful thing.
927
00:41:00,124 --> 00:41:03,085
And necessary, like,
I believe there was probably,
928
00:41:03,169 --> 00:41:05,629
some hilarious people
in Auschwitz.
929
00:41:05,713 --> 00:41:09,884
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
930
00:41:09,967 --> 00:41:11,469
I mean, come on.
It was, like, all Jews.
931
00:41:11,552 --> 00:41:14,221
- Are you going to tell me...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
932
00:41:14,305 --> 00:41:16,182
...are you going to tell me
there wasn't one guy
933
00:41:16,265 --> 00:41:17,308
where the other Jews are like,
934
00:41:17,391 --> 00:41:18,726
"Are you going
to watch Murray tonight?
935
00:41:18,809 --> 00:41:21,228
It's crazy. He's hilarious.
He does all the Nazis.
936
00:41:21,312 --> 00:41:24,315
- It's hilarious."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
937
00:41:26,233 --> 00:41:28,152
Of course, there was.
938
00:41:29,445 --> 00:41:31,238
I'm sure there's, like,
an Auschwitz joke book
939
00:41:31,322 --> 00:41:35,117
written by Jews that no one
knows how to publish.
940
00:41:35,201 --> 00:41:38,120
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
941
00:41:39,121 --> 00:41:40,289
"What are we going to call it?
942
00:41:40,372 --> 00:41:41,957
The Auschwitz Joke Book
by Jews."
943
00:41:42,041 --> 00:41:45,211
- "It's not happening. We can't."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
944
00:41:45,294 --> 00:41:47,129
"It'll be misunderstood.
We can't."
945
00:41:51,258 --> 00:41:54,595
But I do remember the first,
you know, joke that came to me
946
00:41:54,678 --> 00:41:57,890
about Lynn's passing
that made me feel better.
947
00:41:59,183 --> 00:42:02,269
And I'll share it with you.
The setup is heavy.
948
00:42:02,353 --> 00:42:05,940
And if you're-- if...
949
00:42:06,023 --> 00:42:08,192
The fact that you're going
to die is triggering to you,
950
00:42:08,275 --> 00:42:09,985
you might want to leave
for a few minutes.
951
00:42:10,069 --> 00:42:13,697
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- All right. So...
952
00:42:15,282 --> 00:42:16,909
this is a day that a lot
of people have had.
953
00:42:16,992 --> 00:42:18,077
It's when you have a loved one
954
00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:19,411
in the hospital
who's fighting for their life.
955
00:42:19,495 --> 00:42:21,747
It's a horrible day.
Don't wish it on anybody.
956
00:42:21,830 --> 00:42:23,582
It's the worst day of your life.
957
00:42:23,666 --> 00:42:25,417
You're on the phone
with doctors, with friends,
958
00:42:25,501 --> 00:42:27,711
with family members,
trying to hold on to hope,
959
00:42:27,795 --> 00:42:29,129
trying to get information,
960
00:42:29,213 --> 00:42:33,634
trying to figure out a way
to stay positive.
961
00:42:33,717 --> 00:42:37,263
You know, and at some point,
you know,
962
00:42:37,346 --> 00:42:39,014
it turns and it's not going
to work out
963
00:42:39,098 --> 00:42:41,517
the way that you want it
to work out.
964
00:42:42,685 --> 00:42:46,313
And about 5:30,
6:30 in the afternoon,
965
00:42:46,397 --> 00:42:47,856
you know, the doctor says to me,
he says,
966
00:42:47,940 --> 00:42:51,277
"Look, you can come down here
and see her if you want."
967
00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:53,779
This is peak COVID,
no one's in hospitals.
968
00:42:53,862 --> 00:42:56,073
"She's probably going
to be gone.
969
00:42:56,156 --> 00:42:57,658
We're taking her off
the machines,
970
00:42:57,741 --> 00:43:00,786
but you can come down here
and see her."
971
00:43:00,869 --> 00:43:02,079
And I was like... (EXHALES)
972
00:43:02,162 --> 00:43:05,791
"What? Do-- What do you mean?
Do people even do that?"
973
00:43:05,874 --> 00:43:07,251
And he's like,
"I don't know what people do.
974
00:43:07,334 --> 00:43:08,669
I'm just telling you
I can make that happen."
975
00:43:08,752 --> 00:43:10,045
I'm like, "I don't know.
I don't know.
976
00:43:10,129 --> 00:43:11,463
I don't know what to do.
I gotta, you know,
977
00:43:11,547 --> 00:43:14,717
I gotta call, like, 12 people
to figure out what to do."
978
00:43:14,800 --> 00:43:16,677
So I start calling people
and I'm like,
979
00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:19,179
"Dude, the doctor just said
that I can go see her
980
00:43:19,263 --> 00:43:20,222
and she's going to be dead."
981
00:43:20,306 --> 00:43:21,348
And they're like,
"That's fucked up."
982
00:43:21,432 --> 00:43:22,683
And I'm like,
"That's not helpful."
983
00:43:22,766 --> 00:43:24,184
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
984
00:43:24,268 --> 00:43:26,395
So I went through about nine
of those.
985
00:43:27,730 --> 00:43:29,440
And finally,
I called Michaela Watkins,
986
00:43:29,523 --> 00:43:32,067
who's a friend of both of ours,
great actress.
987
00:43:32,151 --> 00:43:33,319
And I go, "Michaela,
the doctor says
988
00:43:33,402 --> 00:43:35,029
I can come see her,
but she's going to be dead."
989
00:43:35,112 --> 00:43:37,072
And Michaela just goes,
"Oh, you have to do that."
990
00:43:37,156 --> 00:43:40,659
And I'm like, "I don't.
It sounds terrible."
991
00:43:40,743 --> 00:43:42,286
She goes, "You would regret
not doing that."
992
00:43:42,369 --> 00:43:43,871
And I thought, like,
"You don't really know me,
993
00:43:43,954 --> 00:43:47,124
apparently, because it sounds
like the worst thing
994
00:43:47,207 --> 00:43:49,710
I could ever do in my life."
And she said,
995
00:43:49,793 --> 00:43:51,545
"Well, it's never going
to happen again,
996
00:43:51,628 --> 00:43:54,048
and it might be good to do it
997
00:43:54,131 --> 00:43:55,382
because there's going
to be closure there
998
00:43:55,466 --> 00:43:57,051
and you don't really know
how it will feel.
999
00:43:57,134 --> 00:44:00,220
And it's an important thing
to do. It's an opportunity."
1000
00:44:00,304 --> 00:44:05,392
And I'm like, "Oh, okay. Fuck."
1001
00:44:05,476 --> 00:44:06,935
So I call the doctor back
and I'm like,
1002
00:44:07,019 --> 00:44:08,937
"All right, I'm in,
I'm coming down."
1003
00:44:09,021 --> 00:44:11,148
And he's like, "All right, well,
I gotta give you a heads up.
1004
00:44:11,231 --> 00:44:12,483
We can't really clean up
1005
00:44:12,566 --> 00:44:14,026
because the coroner
has to sign off on her."
1006
00:44:14,109 --> 00:44:15,361
And I'm like,
"You're not really selling this.
1007
00:44:15,444 --> 00:44:19,114
- I gotta be honest with you."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1008
00:44:20,115 --> 00:44:21,533
"I don't know
if I can handle it, man."
1009
00:44:21,617 --> 00:44:23,202
He's like, "You can handle it.
1010
00:44:23,285 --> 00:44:25,120
Just come down here
and we'll take care of you."
1011
00:44:25,204 --> 00:44:28,207
And I'm like, "Oh, all right."
So, now, it's 12:30 at night,
1012
00:44:28,290 --> 00:44:31,335
I'm driving down to the hospital
and I'm in shock.
1013
00:44:31,418 --> 00:44:33,087
My girlfriend died.
1014
00:44:33,170 --> 00:44:35,422
You know,
out of body experience.
1015
00:44:35,506 --> 00:44:37,841
I'm shattered
and totally traumatized.
1016
00:44:37,925 --> 00:44:39,426
And I'm driving alone
1017
00:44:39,510 --> 00:44:41,470
to this hospital
in the middle of the night.
1018
00:44:41,553 --> 00:44:43,847
And I get to the hospital
and there's no one in it,
1019
00:44:43,931 --> 00:44:45,724
just a security guard. I'm like,
"I'm here."
1020
00:44:45,808 --> 00:44:48,060
He says, "Yeah, I know."
1021
00:44:48,143 --> 00:44:51,897
And he takes me up
to intensive care.
1022
00:44:51,980 --> 00:44:53,023
Now, like, thank God for nurses.
1023
00:44:53,107 --> 00:44:55,984
They're real heroes
and they're at this shit.
1024
00:44:56,068 --> 00:44:58,737
- Yeah.
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
1025
00:44:58,821 --> 00:44:59,905
Every day.
1026
00:45:01,156 --> 00:45:03,492
Every day, nurses are dealing
with this stuff.
1027
00:45:03,575 --> 00:45:06,203
And I'm saying that to preface
the fact that the nurses
1028
00:45:06,286 --> 00:45:07,871
up in the ICU
were a little chipper.
1029
00:45:07,955 --> 00:45:10,999
- I don't know why. But...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1030
00:45:13,460 --> 00:45:14,628
Maybe it was helpful.
I don't know.
1031
00:45:14,711 --> 00:45:16,463
But I got up there
and I'm like, "Hi."
1032
00:45:16,547 --> 00:45:18,924
And they're like, "Hi!"
And I'm like, "Re-- Okay."
1033
00:45:19,007 --> 00:45:23,512
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1034
00:45:23,595 --> 00:45:25,973
And I'm like, "You know,
I'm here to see Lynn Shelton."
1035
00:45:26,056 --> 00:45:28,016
They're like, "We know,
she's just in there."
1036
00:45:28,100 --> 00:45:30,102
And there's no rooms
in an ICU. Not at this one.
1037
00:45:30,185 --> 00:45:32,104
It was dark
and there was just curtains.
1038
00:45:32,187 --> 00:45:33,272
And they said, "She's in there.
1039
00:45:33,355 --> 00:45:34,606
You know, you go in there
and, you know,
1040
00:45:34,690 --> 00:45:37,943
take as much time as you want."
And I'm like, "Okay."
1041
00:45:38,026 --> 00:45:40,737
So I walk in there
and Lynn's there and she's gone.
1042
00:45:40,821 --> 00:45:43,157
And I was able to, you know,
touch her forehead
1043
00:45:43,240 --> 00:45:45,409
and, you know, tell her
I loved her and cry,
1044
00:45:45,492 --> 00:45:46,535
you know, for a few minutes.
1045
00:45:46,618 --> 00:45:49,496
And I stayed with her
for a good five minutes,
1046
00:45:49,580 --> 00:45:52,166
and I was like,
you know, I felt like,
1047
00:45:52,249 --> 00:45:57,337
"Okay, I'm going to go,"
you know, and I said goodbye
1048
00:45:57,421 --> 00:46:00,424
and I'm walking out
and I'm thinking,
1049
00:46:00,507 --> 00:46:02,009
"Selfie? No. Right?"
1050
00:46:02,092 --> 00:46:07,514
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1051
00:46:07,598 --> 00:46:08,891
(MARC MUMBLES)
1052
00:46:13,103 --> 00:46:14,146
Now...
1053
00:46:14,229 --> 00:46:18,108
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
1054
00:46:20,068 --> 00:46:22,196
...when I wrote that joke
1055
00:46:22,279 --> 00:46:24,823
or when I came up with it,
it made me feel so happy.
1056
00:46:24,907 --> 00:46:27,367
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1057
00:46:27,451 --> 00:46:28,869
But I didn't know
what to do with it, you know,
1058
00:46:28,952 --> 00:46:30,496
so I call the darkest comic
I know,
1059
00:46:30,579 --> 00:46:32,164
Dan Vitale, who's since passed.
1060
00:46:32,247 --> 00:46:34,958
And I said-- I told the joke.
And he's like,
1061
00:46:35,042 --> 00:46:40,297
"Oh, my God, that's amazing.
But you can never tell that."
1062
00:46:40,380 --> 00:46:42,382
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1063
00:46:42,466 --> 00:46:45,344
And I'm like,
"I don't know, man. We'll see."
1064
00:46:45,427 --> 00:46:47,429
I think-- And I think Lynn
would like it,
1065
00:46:47,513 --> 00:46:49,515
you know, and I held on
to that,
1066
00:46:49,598 --> 00:46:51,767
you know, until I got
to Ireland recently.
1067
00:46:51,850 --> 00:46:55,229
- And now, it's become unclear.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1068
00:46:55,312 --> 00:46:56,772
I was doing that bit in Ireland,
1069
00:46:56,855 --> 00:46:59,733
and her and I
had a vacation there.
1070
00:46:59,817 --> 00:47:01,193
It was the only vacation
we had taken
1071
00:47:01,276 --> 00:47:04,363
and we had an amazing time.
We both had a deep sort of love
1072
00:47:04,446 --> 00:47:07,366
for Ireland for whatever reason,
because it's amazing. But--
1073
00:47:07,449 --> 00:47:09,743
So I'm in Dublin doing
a show recently
1074
00:47:09,826 --> 00:47:10,994
and I do that bit
1075
00:47:11,078 --> 00:47:13,914
and the lights in the venue
started going on and off.
1076
00:47:13,997 --> 00:47:18,502
The lights on me
started wavering.
1077
00:47:18,585 --> 00:47:21,171
And everyone in the room
was like, "Oh, my God."
1078
00:47:21,255 --> 00:47:25,634
And I'm like, "Take it easy.
Hi, Lynn.
1079
00:47:25,717 --> 00:47:29,763
I'm glad you're in Ireland
and you love it here. You good?"
1080
00:47:29,846 --> 00:47:32,099
And then it was like, "Okay."
And I did--
1081
00:47:32,182 --> 00:47:35,936
And I took it as a sign that,
"Okay, she likes the jokes."
1082
00:47:36,019 --> 00:47:40,774
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
- Wait. But wait.
1083
00:47:41,733 --> 00:47:43,986
So then I get back
to my hotel room
1084
00:47:44,069 --> 00:47:46,613
and the venue manager said,
"That's never happened before."
1085
00:47:46,697 --> 00:47:48,240
"No, it was Lynn,
she's hanging out."
1086
00:47:48,323 --> 00:47:50,742
So-- "Usually she's a bird."
1087
00:47:50,826 --> 00:47:54,371
- So...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1088
00:47:58,750 --> 00:48:01,211
But I get back to my hotel room
in Ireland and I go to turn
1089
00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:03,547
the lamp on and the bulb goes...
(IMITATES CRACKLING)
1090
00:48:03,630 --> 00:48:06,758
It just doesn't-- It goes out.
And I'm like,
1091
00:48:06,842 --> 00:48:10,387
- "Shit. What's up, baby?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1092
00:48:10,470 --> 00:48:11,972
But I'm still holding on
to the idea that,
1093
00:48:12,055 --> 00:48:15,767
"No, she likes the jokes.
Right?"
1094
00:48:15,851 --> 00:48:17,769
When you're sad,
you'll go mystical.
1095
00:48:18,812 --> 00:48:22,691
So I do them in Texas
a few months later
1096
00:48:22,774 --> 00:48:26,111
and during that bit
the mic starts going in and out
1097
00:48:26,194 --> 00:48:28,655
and I'm like, "Oh, shit,
she came to Texas."
1098
00:48:28,739 --> 00:48:32,117
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1099
00:48:32,200 --> 00:48:34,620
(CHUCKLES) "Maybe
she doesn't like the jokes."
1100
00:48:34,703 --> 00:48:37,372
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1101
00:48:39,708 --> 00:48:41,835
But I thought if it happens
at the HBO taping,
1102
00:48:41,918 --> 00:48:43,962
I'm definitely
never doing them again.
1103
00:48:44,046 --> 00:48:50,677
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
1104
00:48:52,304 --> 00:48:53,305
But...
1105
00:48:55,098 --> 00:48:58,143
Look. I-- She was, you know,
a big supporter of mine,
1106
00:48:58,226 --> 00:49:01,688
and I loved her and I miss her.
So, rest in peace, Lynn Shelton.
1107
00:49:01,772 --> 00:49:05,150
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
1108
00:49:10,739 --> 00:49:12,240
You know, I'm--
1109
00:49:12,324 --> 00:49:15,827
You know, I do try to focus
on gratitude to some degree
1110
00:49:15,911 --> 00:49:19,206
when I can, and I have no kids.
And it's amazing.
1111
00:49:19,289 --> 00:49:21,833
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1112
00:49:21,917 --> 00:49:24,586
It really is. It's--
I can't even begin to tell you,
1113
00:49:24,670 --> 00:49:25,921
if you have them what--
1114
00:49:26,004 --> 00:49:28,048
well, how amazing it would
have been if you didn't.
1115
00:49:28,131 --> 00:49:32,177
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1116
00:49:33,261 --> 00:49:35,305
(CLICKS TONGUE)
And I think even ten years ago,
1117
00:49:35,389 --> 00:49:37,516
a 59-year-old man on stage
saying he didn't have kids,
1118
00:49:37,599 --> 00:49:38,809
a lot of people
would be like, "Aw,"
1119
00:49:38,892 --> 00:49:41,103
but I think that paradigm
is shifting a little bit.
1120
00:49:41,186 --> 00:49:42,354
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1121
00:49:42,437 --> 00:49:43,647
I think there are people
that are like,
1122
00:49:43,730 --> 00:49:47,734
"Oh, God, good for you.
Jesus, what a mistake."
1123
00:49:49,277 --> 00:49:50,612
I don't know
why people have them.
1124
00:49:50,696 --> 00:49:52,698
I have nothing against them.
But it really seems that people
1125
00:49:52,781 --> 00:49:54,491
don't know that
they don't have to have them.
1126
00:49:54,574 --> 00:49:55,701
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1127
00:49:55,784 --> 00:49:57,035
Like, something just clicks on
and they're like,
1128
00:49:57,119 --> 00:49:59,413
"I guess it's time." It's like,
It doesn't have to be.
1129
00:49:59,496 --> 00:50:01,957
You're human. You can decide.
You're not a dog.
1130
00:50:02,040 --> 00:50:04,292
It's not based on a smell.
Think about it.
1131
00:50:04,376 --> 00:50:06,294
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1132
00:50:09,506 --> 00:50:10,966
But I just-- I never thought
about having them.
1133
00:50:11,049 --> 00:50:12,426
I never really wanted
to have them.
1134
00:50:12,509 --> 00:50:14,928
And people, you know, say to me,
you know, like,
1135
00:50:15,011 --> 00:50:16,430
"Well, don't you get lonely?"
I'm like, "I do.
1136
00:50:16,513 --> 00:50:18,807
I get very lonely.
But I never think, like, a kid
1137
00:50:18,890 --> 00:50:20,100
would make this better,
you know?"
1138
00:50:20,183 --> 00:50:23,854
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1139
00:50:23,937 --> 00:50:26,314
I've had two wives
and I got no kids.
1140
00:50:26,398 --> 00:50:28,692
It takes a special kind
of asshole...
1141
00:50:28,775 --> 00:50:31,361
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1142
00:50:31,445 --> 00:50:33,071
...to have two wives
and no kids.
1143
00:50:33,155 --> 00:50:35,782
I think my second wife
put it like this,
1144
00:50:35,866 --> 00:50:37,826
"You think I'm bringing
children into this?"
1145
00:50:37,909 --> 00:50:40,495
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1146
00:50:42,038 --> 00:50:43,373
"It was a different time."
1147
00:50:43,457 --> 00:50:49,296
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1148
00:50:52,591 --> 00:50:54,801
Look, if you have love
in your heart
1149
00:50:54,885 --> 00:50:56,303
and you want to bring
a kid in the world
1150
00:50:56,386 --> 00:50:57,763
'cause you want to spread
that love
1151
00:50:57,846 --> 00:50:59,306
or whatever the way is.
1152
00:51:00,891 --> 00:51:02,642
And that's your impulse,
that's your reason.
1153
00:51:02,726 --> 00:51:03,935
Good. Do it, you know.
1154
00:51:04,019 --> 00:51:06,146
You know, I think
it's a beautiful thing.
1155
00:51:06,229 --> 00:51:07,481
But if you have nothing but like
1156
00:51:07,564 --> 00:51:10,400
a weird void where your heart
should be
1157
00:51:10,484 --> 00:51:12,694
and you think like,
"A kid will fill this."
1158
00:51:14,738 --> 00:51:17,699
- Maybe don't do it. Maybe don't.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1159
00:51:17,783 --> 00:51:19,785
Because that void
will be passed along
1160
00:51:19,868 --> 00:51:20,786
for generations.
1161
00:51:20,869 --> 00:51:23,038
You can't stop the void
from moving.
1162
00:51:25,916 --> 00:51:28,168
You can now track your void
on 23andMe.
1163
00:51:28,251 --> 00:51:33,715
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1164
00:51:33,799 --> 00:51:37,719
My void started in the chest
of a tailor's wife in Belarus...
1165
00:51:39,221 --> 00:51:42,682
in the 1850s,
in the Pale of Settlement,
1166
00:51:42,766 --> 00:51:47,813
it was a-- It's a 99.9 percent
Ashkenazi void.
1167
00:51:49,606 --> 00:51:52,484
And you've all been sitting
in it for an hour now.
1168
00:51:52,567 --> 00:51:57,405
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1169
00:52:04,162 --> 00:52:08,708
People had children
during the pandemic.
1170
00:52:08,792 --> 00:52:13,046
- What kind of...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1171
00:52:13,129 --> 00:52:16,424
...cynical, selfish weirdos...
1172
00:52:17,551 --> 00:52:21,346
saw that as an opportunity
to start a family?
1173
00:52:21,429 --> 00:52:24,516
Like, there's no cure,
there's no vaccine.
1174
00:52:24,599 --> 00:52:26,518
And people are like,
"Let's have a baby."
1175
00:52:27,936 --> 00:52:29,896
"What if we all die?"
"Then we'll die as a family."
1176
00:52:29,980 --> 00:52:31,565
"I think we should do it."
1177
00:52:36,319 --> 00:52:37,737
At some point,
those plague babies
1178
00:52:37,821 --> 00:52:39,281
are going to want answers.
They're gonna...
1179
00:52:39,364 --> 00:52:42,450
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- ...they're gonna want to know
1180
00:52:42,534 --> 00:52:45,161
what it was like
before they were born.
1181
00:52:45,245 --> 00:52:48,540
And some dad is going
to have to step up and be like,
1182
00:52:48,623 --> 00:52:50,041
"All right, son, I think
you're ready to hear this,
1183
00:52:50,125 --> 00:52:53,461
- you're five."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1184
00:52:54,838 --> 00:52:56,756
"Before you were born,
there was a horrible disease
1185
00:52:56,840 --> 00:52:57,924
that was spreading
around the world
1186
00:52:58,008 --> 00:52:59,050
that killed millions of people.
1187
00:52:59,134 --> 00:53:01,595
And there was no cure
and no medicine for it.
1188
00:53:01,678 --> 00:53:02,888
And we couldn't leave the house.
1189
00:53:02,971 --> 00:53:04,556
Your mother and I
were stuck in the house,
1190
00:53:04,639 --> 00:53:07,142
- for a long time!"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1191
00:53:07,225 --> 00:53:10,145
"We had to have food delivered.
It was dark and scary.
1192
00:53:10,228 --> 00:53:11,313
You just couldn't leave
the house.
1193
00:53:11,396 --> 00:53:13,523
And then eventually,
you had to.
1194
00:53:13,607 --> 00:53:14,733
You just had to get out.
1195
00:53:14,816 --> 00:53:17,569
And you had to wear gloves
and a mask and a visor.
1196
00:53:17,652 --> 00:53:19,029
Yeah, kind of like a superhero.
1197
00:53:19,112 --> 00:53:22,490
Like an angry superhero
that just needed some space."
1198
00:53:22,574 --> 00:53:25,493
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1199
00:53:26,786 --> 00:53:28,288
"And then your mom
started making bread.
1200
00:53:28,371 --> 00:53:29,497
I don't know why.
1201
00:53:31,666 --> 00:53:32,667
So a lot of bread being made.
1202
00:53:32,751 --> 00:53:34,002
It was like a bakery
at the house,
1203
00:53:34,085 --> 00:53:36,254
sometimes two,
three loaves a day.
1204
00:53:36,338 --> 00:53:37,756
Sometimes she'd walk
into the living room
1205
00:53:37,839 --> 00:53:38,757
with a loaf and say,
1206
00:53:38,840 --> 00:53:39,966
'I don't think
this one turned out,
1207
00:53:40,050 --> 00:53:41,968
but we can still eat it.'
1208
00:53:42,052 --> 00:53:43,219
And I ate it
because I didn't want
1209
00:53:43,303 --> 00:53:45,639
to hurt her feelings.
It was a dark time!
1210
00:53:46,473 --> 00:53:47,641
Then puzzles started coming.
1211
00:53:47,724 --> 00:53:50,852
There were puzzles coming.
Yeah, I don't like puzzles.
1212
00:53:50,936 --> 00:53:53,480
You don't like puzzles, do you?
They're terrible, right?
1213
00:53:53,563 --> 00:53:54,773
I know, right?
1214
00:53:54,856 --> 00:53:56,358
Hundreds of puzzles
it seemed like.
1215
00:53:56,441 --> 00:53:57,776
We're doing puzzles
all the time.
1216
00:53:57,859 --> 00:54:00,570
We're watching movies
we've seen, like, five times.
1217
00:54:00,654 --> 00:54:03,031
We're eating bread.
It's the worst.
1218
00:54:03,114 --> 00:54:04,699
It was terrible.
And then, you know,
1219
00:54:04,783 --> 00:54:07,535
she starts drinking wine
and I'm like,
1220
00:54:07,619 --> 00:54:09,704
'All right, if she's going
to do it, I'll drink scotch.'
1221
00:54:09,788 --> 00:54:11,039
And at some point,
I just think
1222
00:54:11,122 --> 00:54:12,624
we stopped
loving each other and..."
1223
00:54:12,707 --> 00:54:14,626
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1224
00:54:14,709 --> 00:54:16,002
"...I'll be honest with you,
I was Zooming
1225
00:54:16,086 --> 00:54:18,588
with a woman
from work and...
1226
00:54:18,672 --> 00:54:19,631
But I couldn't act on it.
1227
00:54:19,714 --> 00:54:20,715
I don't know
what she was doing.
1228
00:54:20,799 --> 00:54:22,676
It was just bad.
And, you know,
1229
00:54:22,759 --> 00:54:24,844
we were fighting and drinking
and eating bread.
1230
00:54:24,928 --> 00:54:26,554
And one time we were just
yelling at each other,
1231
00:54:26,638 --> 00:54:28,807
we're crying,
and it was very sad
1232
00:54:28,890 --> 00:54:29,975
and we didn't know what to do.
1233
00:54:30,058 --> 00:54:31,810
And, you know,
I kicked over a puzzle
1234
00:54:31,893 --> 00:54:34,229
because I was mad
and I don't know,
1235
00:54:34,312 --> 00:54:36,147
we just ended up
having sex on the floor,
1236
00:54:36,231 --> 00:54:37,232
right on the puzzle pieces.
1237
00:54:37,315 --> 00:54:41,486
And puzzle pieces
were sticking to us.
1238
00:54:41,569 --> 00:54:44,280
I don't know. Well,
that's when we made you."
1239
00:54:44,364 --> 00:54:46,199
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1240
00:54:46,282 --> 00:54:49,536
"Oh, shit. I think she's here.
Do you have all your stuff?"
1241
00:54:49,619 --> 00:54:52,998
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1242
00:54:53,081 --> 00:54:56,501
"Where's your iPad?
Is it in your backpack?
1243
00:54:56,584 --> 00:54:58,128
She's coming. Just go.
I don't want to talk.
1244
00:54:58,211 --> 00:55:00,714
Just go out there. Go.
She's getting out of the car.
1245
00:55:00,797 --> 00:55:02,298
Go out there.
You have everything? I love you.
1246
00:55:02,382 --> 00:55:04,884
I'll talk to you in a week.
Don't tell her what I told you.
1247
00:55:04,968 --> 00:55:06,886
Go. Get out there.
She's coming."
1248
00:55:08,304 --> 00:55:10,724
That's a one-man show
called Plague Baby.
1249
00:55:10,807 --> 00:55:12,350
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
1250
00:55:12,809 --> 00:55:13,977
Thank you.
1251
00:55:14,060 --> 00:55:17,480
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
1252
00:55:17,564 --> 00:55:21,609
That'll be running in repertory
with Voices From the Future
1253
00:55:21,693 --> 00:55:23,737
and Marc Maron's Kaddish:
A Prayer for the Dead,
1254
00:55:23,820 --> 00:55:27,532
in an evening of one-acts
when they are all published
1255
00:55:27,615 --> 00:55:28,616
in the same volume
1256
00:55:28,700 --> 00:55:31,244
from the Samuel French
Publishing Company.
1257
00:55:33,455 --> 00:55:35,290
The other reason I'm happy
I don't have kids is,
1258
00:55:35,373 --> 00:55:38,418
I have friends my age
who have grown kids.
1259
00:55:38,501 --> 00:55:40,295
Grown-ups.
And if I haven't seen
1260
00:55:40,378 --> 00:55:42,881
that friend in a while
and ask him how his kids are,
1261
00:55:42,964 --> 00:55:43,965
it's never a great story.
1262
00:55:44,049 --> 00:55:46,926
- I mean, it's like...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1263
00:55:47,010 --> 00:55:50,013
...70 percent of the time,
it's not a good story. So...
1264
00:55:50,096 --> 00:55:52,057
"Hey, man, long time.
How you been?"
1265
00:55:52,140 --> 00:55:54,726
"I'm dealing,
you know how it is."
1266
00:55:54,809 --> 00:55:56,478
"Yeah, man. Me, too.
How are the kids?"
1267
00:55:56,561 --> 00:55:57,812
"Well, you know...
1268
00:55:59,314 --> 00:56:00,940
one of them is doing great.
1269
00:56:02,358 --> 00:56:04,402
But the other one, I don't know,
kind of got away from us.
1270
00:56:04,486 --> 00:56:05,653
I don't know
what the fuck happened.
1271
00:56:05,737 --> 00:56:07,739
I don't know
if it's anyone's fault,
1272
00:56:07,822 --> 00:56:09,783
but fuck 'em. I've had it.
1273
00:56:09,866 --> 00:56:11,493
Got a guy out there
looking for him again.
1274
00:56:11,576 --> 00:56:13,912
It's just bullshit.
It's killing his mother.
1275
00:56:13,995 --> 00:56:15,955
I can't fucking take it.
Fuck that kid.
1276
00:56:16,039 --> 00:56:18,625
But... his sister
is doing great.
1277
00:56:18,708 --> 00:56:21,377
Just got in to a good school.
Thanks for asking."
1278
00:56:21,461 --> 00:56:23,379
"That sounds terrible."
"You know how it is."
1279
00:56:23,463 --> 00:56:26,925
- "I don't."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1280
00:56:27,008 --> 00:56:28,468
And then they always ask me
the same thing
1281
00:56:28,551 --> 00:56:29,636
if they know me,
and I can't help
1282
00:56:29,719 --> 00:56:31,554
but hear it as condescending,
where they're like,
1283
00:56:31,638 --> 00:56:33,932
"Oh, that's right,
you still got cats.
1284
00:56:34,015 --> 00:56:37,644
- How those cats doing?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1285
00:56:38,895 --> 00:56:42,065
But in my head, I'm always like,
"Go fuck yourself.
1286
00:56:42,148 --> 00:56:44,609
You think you're a better man
than me
1287
00:56:44,692 --> 00:56:48,655
- because you have human kids."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1288
00:56:48,738 --> 00:56:52,659
"Like, that makes you
more responsible? More evolved?
1289
00:56:52,742 --> 00:56:55,787
A better human?
Go fuck yourself."
1290
00:56:55,870 --> 00:56:59,749
I have three cats that I love
and in the best case scenario,
1291
00:56:59,833 --> 00:57:01,584
I'm going to have to have them
all killed.
1292
00:57:01,668 --> 00:57:04,546
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1293
00:57:07,966 --> 00:57:10,343
I'm going to have to kill
my friends.
1294
00:57:10,426 --> 00:57:12,971
And I knew it going in.
That's how big my heart is.
1295
00:57:13,054 --> 00:57:16,391
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1296
00:57:19,227 --> 00:57:22,272
You can't have your drug-addled
son put down, can you?
1297
00:57:22,355 --> 00:57:26,651
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1298
00:57:26,734 --> 00:57:29,404
No matter how much you want to,
1299
00:57:29,487 --> 00:57:31,573
you can't walk
into a veterinarian's office
1300
00:57:31,656 --> 00:57:34,450
and just say,
"I think it's time.
1301
00:57:37,370 --> 00:57:40,540
He's not grooming himself.
He's barely eating.
1302
00:57:40,623 --> 00:57:43,668
Can't keep his head up.
There we go. There we go."
1303
00:57:46,462 --> 00:57:48,381
"This is
a veterinarian's office.
1304
00:57:48,464 --> 00:57:51,259
We don't do people."
I'm like, "Doc, I got cash.
1305
00:57:51,342 --> 00:57:53,887
How much would it take?
Just help me out.
1306
00:57:53,970 --> 00:57:55,513
Do me a-- His mother thinks
he's dead already.
1307
00:57:55,597 --> 00:57:57,891
Can't you just
bring him in back?
1308
00:57:57,974 --> 00:58:00,268
Knock him out, burn him up,
put him in a box.
1309
00:58:00,351 --> 00:58:03,897
And if you want, you give me
the handprint on the paper."
1310
00:58:03,980 --> 00:58:08,109
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1311
00:58:08,193 --> 00:58:10,153
(CHUCKLES)
You kind of got to go
1312
00:58:10,236 --> 00:58:11,863
all the way with that one.
I'm sorry, I...
1313
00:58:11,946 --> 00:58:16,326
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
1314
00:58:18,119 --> 00:58:21,080
"Yeah, man, it's 'cause
I'm an anti-woke comedian."
1315
00:58:21,164 --> 00:58:24,125
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1316
00:58:28,338 --> 00:58:30,256
So... (EXHALES DEEPLY)
1317
00:58:30,340 --> 00:58:32,383
...I almost bought
a gun recently.
1318
00:58:35,261 --> 00:58:36,721
My friends are like, "What,
just for home protection?"
1319
00:58:36,804 --> 00:58:39,098
I'm like, "I don't know.
It just feels like it's time."
1320
00:58:39,182 --> 00:58:42,977
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (CHUCKLES)
1321
00:58:43,061 --> 00:58:45,730
"What do you mean?"
"When they come around
1322
00:58:45,813 --> 00:58:48,399
looking for Jews
who have had HBO specials..."
1323
00:58:48,483 --> 00:58:55,573
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
1324
00:58:55,657 --> 00:58:58,159
"...I just want to go
down shooting, that's all.
1325
00:58:58,243 --> 00:58:59,202
I don't think I'll win.
1326
00:58:59,285 --> 00:59:00,286
I just want
to go down shooting.
1327
00:59:00,370 --> 00:59:01,913
That's my right
as an American.
1328
00:59:01,996 --> 00:59:04,040
That's what
the Second Amendment
is all about.
1329
00:59:04,123 --> 00:59:05,750
It's like--
It's not about gun ownership.
1330
00:59:05,833 --> 00:59:07,752
It's about going down shooting!"
1331
00:59:07,835 --> 00:59:12,382
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1332
00:59:12,465 --> 00:59:14,384
I currently have a bat.
1333
00:59:17,553 --> 00:59:19,138
I'm a grown man
with my own house
1334
00:59:19,222 --> 00:59:20,974
on the second floor,
in his own bedroom,
1335
00:59:21,057 --> 00:59:24,978
with a bat next to his bed.
That you can see.
1336
00:59:25,061 --> 00:59:27,981
- Like I live in a dorm room.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1337
00:59:31,234 --> 00:59:33,695
And I'll be honest with you,
I don't think I could hit
1338
00:59:33,778 --> 00:59:35,113
a guy with a bat...
1339
00:59:36,531 --> 00:59:38,533
let alone shoot a guy
with a gun. I mean...
1340
00:59:39,534 --> 00:59:41,077
if you're going
to hit a guy with a bat,
1341
00:59:41,160 --> 00:59:43,204
you better have hit a guy
with a bat before.
1342
00:59:43,288 --> 00:59:46,624
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1343
00:59:46,708 --> 00:59:48,876
Or you're just going to end up
getting hit with your own bat.
1344
00:59:48,960 --> 00:59:51,129
That's how that's going to go.
And it's...
1345
00:59:51,212 --> 00:59:53,423
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1346
00:59:53,506 --> 00:59:56,050
...and it's going
to happen very quickly.
1347
00:59:56,134 --> 00:59:58,344
And you're not even
going to understand how.
1348
00:59:58,428 --> 01:00:01,639
You'll just be like,
"Get the fuck out of my head!
1349
01:00:01,723 --> 01:00:03,224
What's happening?
1350
01:00:03,308 --> 01:00:05,852
Why am I running in my house?
Ow!"
1351
01:00:10,398 --> 01:00:11,441
And I have an alarm system.
1352
01:00:11,524 --> 01:00:13,651
I have a very expensive,
multi-laser alarm system
1353
01:00:13,735 --> 01:00:16,821
that protects the gemstone
I have in my foyer.
1354
01:00:16,904 --> 01:00:19,782
- It's a...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1355
01:00:19,866 --> 01:00:21,826
Yeah, it's a gift
from George Soros.
1356
01:00:21,909 --> 01:00:25,330
- It's the bonus level.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1357
01:00:25,413 --> 01:00:28,499
You know, when you replace
a certain number.
1358
01:00:28,583 --> 01:00:32,337
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1359
01:00:32,420 --> 01:00:35,965
But even with the alarm,
if I hear something in my house,
1360
01:00:36,049 --> 01:00:39,552
I'll pick up that bat,
upstairs, in my boxers.
1361
01:00:39,635 --> 01:00:42,764
And I'll pick it up
and walk around.
1362
01:00:43,473 --> 01:00:44,557
And a voice comes out of me
1363
01:00:44,640 --> 01:00:46,934
that only comes out of me
when I'm holding a bat.
1364
01:00:47,018 --> 01:00:48,436
And I'll do it for you.
But brace yourself.
1365
01:00:48,519 --> 01:00:51,689
- It's intense.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1366
01:00:51,773 --> 01:00:53,358
"What's going on down there?"
1367
01:00:53,441 --> 01:00:57,904
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1368
01:00:57,987 --> 01:01:00,073
"Who's down there?
What's going on?"
1369
01:01:02,950 --> 01:01:05,286
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1370
01:01:05,370 --> 01:01:08,206
MARC: Yeah. Right.
1371
01:01:08,289 --> 01:01:11,000
If you're breaking
into my house, you take pause.
1372
01:01:11,084 --> 01:01:14,879
"Holy shit. You hear that, man?
That guy means business.
1373
01:01:16,089 --> 01:01:18,216
Sounds like he's got
a bat up there.
1374
01:01:19,300 --> 01:01:20,593
I've been doing this
a long time.
1375
01:01:20,676 --> 01:01:22,428
That's definitely bat voice."
1376
01:01:23,888 --> 01:01:25,681
"I'm coming down there!"
1377
01:01:25,765 --> 01:01:26,891
"He won't.
1378
01:01:27,809 --> 01:01:29,394
- Not that guy."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1379
01:01:29,477 --> 01:01:31,437
(CHUCKLES)
"Let's just take the Jew stone
1380
01:01:31,521 --> 01:01:34,023
- and get out of here."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1381
01:01:37,819 --> 01:01:40,780
But I'll be honest with you,
I like having a bat because...
1382
01:01:42,365 --> 01:01:44,242
it's good. A bat is good.
1383
01:01:44,325 --> 01:01:48,079
Beca-- Look, I'm a-- You know,
I'm a moody person.
1384
01:01:48,162 --> 01:01:50,415
I have good days,
I have bad days, you know.
1385
01:01:51,833 --> 01:01:52,750
But in my heart,
1386
01:01:52,834 --> 01:01:56,629
I know, that no matter
how bad my day is,
1387
01:01:56,712 --> 01:01:59,006
I'm never going to look
at a bat and think,
1388
01:01:59,841 --> 01:02:01,300
"I'm going to kill myself."
1389
01:02:01,384 --> 01:02:05,930
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
1390
01:02:06,013 --> 01:02:11,811
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
1391
01:02:11,894 --> 01:02:13,688
Because that would take
some time...
1392
01:02:13,771 --> 01:02:16,274
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1393
01:02:16,357 --> 01:02:19,318
...and a level of commitment
I don't think I have.
1394
01:02:22,363 --> 01:02:23,948
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
1395
01:02:24,031 --> 01:02:27,285
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1396
01:02:27,368 --> 01:02:33,082
"Fuck it, man. Fuck this shit.
Fucking done with it, man."
1397
01:02:33,166 --> 01:02:36,878
(IMITATES CLACKING) "Ow, fuck!
1398
01:02:38,004 --> 01:02:41,757
Wow. Fuck, man. Whoo!"
1399
01:02:41,841 --> 01:02:44,677
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1400
01:02:49,932 --> 01:02:51,058
"Oh."
1401
01:03:02,653 --> 01:03:05,323
"Fuck this life, man.
1402
01:03:05,406 --> 01:03:08,326
I don't want to live anymore."
(IMITATES CLACKING)
1403
01:03:08,409 --> 01:03:13,080
"God damn it."
(IMITATES CLACKING) "Ow, fuck!"
1404
01:03:14,081 --> 01:03:16,876
(IMITATES CLACKING, GROANS)
1405
01:03:22,632 --> 01:03:27,261
- "I feel better."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1406
01:03:27,345 --> 01:03:31,474
"Wow. That was great.
I think that's all I needed.
1407
01:03:32,475 --> 01:03:34,143
I got to remember that.
1408
01:03:34,227 --> 01:03:37,230
I got to remember that."
Thank you very much.
1409
01:03:37,313 --> 01:03:42,860
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
1410
01:03:42,944 --> 01:03:44,070
Thank you.
1411
01:03:47,073 --> 01:03:48,866
Thank you very much.
1412
01:03:48,950 --> 01:03:52,995
{\an8}♪ (CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
1413
01:03:53,079 --> 01:03:57,583
{\an8}(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
1414
01:04:38,958 --> 01:04:41,002
- ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- (CAT MEOWING)