1 00:00:01,238 --> 00:00:03,305 Emcee 1: ... to say that you saw her in a laundromat. 2 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 3 00:00:03,374 --> 00:00:05,975 Put your hands together big for Marcella Arguello! 4 00:00:06,044 --> 00:00:09,111 (applause, cheering) 5 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 6 00:00:09,180 --> 00:00:11,514 Emcee 2: Marcella Arguello! 7 00:00:11,583 --> 00:00:12,814 Hey, what's up, guys? 8 00:00:12,882 --> 00:00:15,217 Emcee 3: She's one of my best friends. Let's hear it for 9 00:00:15,286 --> 00:00:19,088 -Ms. Marcella Arguello! -(crowd cheering) 10 00:00:19,157 --> 00:00:21,522 Okay, okay, okay! Everybody, what's up? 11 00:00:21,591 --> 00:00:23,658 Make some noise. What's up, what's up, what's up? 12 00:00:23,727 --> 00:00:25,293 Everybody make some noise. Keep it going. 13 00:00:25,362 --> 00:00:28,030 Make some motherfucking noise! 14 00:00:28,099 --> 00:00:29,865 What's up, New York? 15 00:00:29,934 --> 00:00:33,438 (applause, cheering) 16 00:00:34,604 --> 00:00:37,072 What's up, y'all? My name is Marcella. 17 00:00:37,141 --> 00:00:39,875 I'm very tall for a woman, bitch. Take it in, okay? 18 00:00:39,944 --> 00:00:41,546 -(cheering) -Yeah. 19 00:00:42,781 --> 00:00:44,145 I'm 6'2". I'm gonna go over 20 00:00:44,214 --> 00:00:48,283 -a few things I don't wanna be asked ever again, okay? -(laughter) 21 00:00:48,352 --> 00:00:50,753 I don't play basketball, I don't play volleyball, 22 00:00:50,822 --> 00:00:51,854 I'm not a model, 23 00:00:51,923 --> 00:00:53,255 and since I have everybody's attention, 24 00:00:53,324 --> 00:00:55,224 just wanna let you all know 25 00:00:55,293 --> 00:00:57,259 the tops of your refrigerators are fucking disgusting. 26 00:00:57,328 --> 00:00:58,994 (laughter, applause) 27 00:00:59,063 --> 00:01:01,157 Clean 'em up! 28 00:01:01,226 --> 00:01:05,367 They're all greasy and dusty and shit. What's that about? 29 00:01:05,436 --> 00:01:08,037 I get mistaken for a man sometimes. It's all good. 30 00:01:08,106 --> 00:01:09,633 I don't care. I'm very confident. 31 00:01:09,702 --> 00:01:11,374 I don't give a fuck, right? 32 00:01:11,443 --> 00:01:12,908 (laughter) 33 00:01:12,977 --> 00:01:14,543 But sometimes, it hurts my feelings. 34 00:01:14,612 --> 00:01:15,878 (laughter) 35 00:01:15,947 --> 00:01:17,312 When I was flying out to New York, 36 00:01:17,381 --> 00:01:19,014 as soon as we land-- Now, 37 00:01:19,083 --> 00:01:21,749 I don't look like this when I fly, right? 38 00:01:21,818 --> 00:01:25,153 I'm, like, sweatpants, you know, sneakers, baggy T-shirt, 39 00:01:25,222 --> 00:01:28,423 hair pulled back, glasses, mask, right? No makeup. 40 00:01:28,492 --> 00:01:31,626 And so, when we land in New York, 41 00:01:31,695 --> 00:01:34,362 the woman across the aisle, she-- she props up. 42 00:01:34,431 --> 00:01:37,365 She's a tiny woman. She props up out of her chair. 43 00:01:37,434 --> 00:01:38,667 You know, she's getting her bag, 44 00:01:38,736 --> 00:01:41,173 but she starts struggling with her bag. 45 00:01:43,573 --> 00:01:46,345 And then this fine-ass Black guy 46 00:01:47,144 --> 00:01:48,839 helps her with her bag. 47 00:01:48,908 --> 00:01:50,946 And I was like, I'm gonna struggle. 48 00:01:51,015 --> 00:01:53,082 (laughter, applause) 49 00:01:53,151 --> 00:01:54,786 With my bag, right? 50 00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:59,221 But like I said, I didn't look like this, right? 51 00:01:59,290 --> 00:02:01,022 So, I get up, and I'm like, 52 00:02:01,091 --> 00:02:03,528 -"Oh." (pouty sigh) -(laughter) 53 00:02:04,795 --> 00:02:07,127 "My little wrist. 54 00:02:07,632 --> 00:02:08,964 Owie!" 55 00:02:09,033 --> 00:02:11,100 (groans) And he looks at me. He's like, 56 00:02:11,169 --> 00:02:12,801 "You got that, bro?" 57 00:02:12,870 --> 00:02:14,970 (laughter) 58 00:02:15,039 --> 00:02:16,105 I didn't give a fuck. I was like, 59 00:02:16,174 --> 00:02:18,173 "Yeah, it's all good, dog! 60 00:02:18,242 --> 00:02:19,878 -Don't even trip." -(applause) 61 00:02:21,278 --> 00:02:23,278 I am Latina. Any Latinos in the house? 62 00:02:23,347 --> 00:02:26,782 -(cheering, applause) -Nice. 63 00:02:26,851 --> 00:02:28,517 Yeah. 64 00:02:28,586 --> 00:02:31,086 I'm a-- I'm a very proud Latina. 65 00:02:31,155 --> 00:02:32,855 I'm a very proud Latina. Um... 66 00:02:32,924 --> 00:02:34,184 And it was-- it was-- 67 00:02:34,253 --> 00:02:36,524 It's funny because, you know, because of how I look, 68 00:02:36,593 --> 00:02:38,793 people don't think I'm Latina, right? 69 00:02:38,862 --> 00:02:41,696 I once, when I worked as a bank teller, I had this woman. 70 00:02:41,765 --> 00:02:43,565 A lot of people think I'm mixed with Black and white, 71 00:02:43,634 --> 00:02:45,300 especially in California. In New York, y'all know. 72 00:02:45,369 --> 00:02:47,602 Y'all don't get it fucked up in New York. Y'all know. 73 00:02:47,671 --> 00:02:49,638 You guys got everything in New York, so you're just like, 74 00:02:49,707 --> 00:02:53,608 "Ah, mija !" Right? As soon as they see me. "Ah!" 75 00:02:53,677 --> 00:02:55,911 But in California, they're-- if you don't look Mexican, they're like, 76 00:02:55,980 --> 00:02:59,148 -"What?" -(laughter) 77 00:02:59,217 --> 00:03:02,317 So, I'm working as a teller, uh, in Cali, 78 00:03:02,386 --> 00:03:05,320 and this customer, her account was all fucked up, 79 00:03:05,389 --> 00:03:08,990 and she starts talking shit about me in Spanish 80 00:03:09,059 --> 00:03:11,726 -at the teller window right in front of me, right? -(booing) 81 00:03:11,795 --> 00:03:13,495 Probably thought I was mixed Black and white. 82 00:03:13,564 --> 00:03:15,597 Probably didn't know I spoke Spanish. 83 00:03:15,666 --> 00:03:18,166 So, she's talking shit. And as soon as she finishes, I'm like, 84 00:03:18,235 --> 00:03:19,634 "Oh, I'm sorry. (laughs) 85 00:03:19,703 --> 00:03:22,307 "Looks like I won't be able to help you with this account..." 86 00:03:25,243 --> 00:03:28,313 (applause, cheering) 87 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:33,414 So, she was upset. She was upset. 88 00:03:33,483 --> 00:03:35,751 She's upset. She goes up to my manager. 89 00:03:35,820 --> 00:03:38,353 She's like, "Oh, my God! 90 00:03:38,422 --> 00:03:40,756 This young woman just called me an old bitch in Spanish." 91 00:03:40,825 --> 00:03:42,958 And my manager was like, "(gasps) Wha... 92 00:03:43,027 --> 00:03:45,393 She is Black and white! She don't speak Spanish!" 93 00:03:45,462 --> 00:03:48,196 I was like... (imitates airhorn) 94 00:03:48,265 --> 00:03:50,132 Wu-Tang is for the children! 95 00:03:50,201 --> 00:03:52,771 Bobby Digital! (beeping) Um... 96 00:03:54,138 --> 00:03:57,740 -Stupid bitch. Um... -(laughter) 97 00:03:57,809 --> 00:03:59,675 It's crazy though because, like, you know, 98 00:03:59,744 --> 00:04:01,243 Latinos, we're everything, right? 99 00:04:01,312 --> 00:04:03,378 We're the blackest Black, we're the whitest white. 100 00:04:03,447 --> 00:04:05,647 We look like every-- We are everybody, right? 101 00:04:05,716 --> 00:04:09,284 That's why we're taking over, girl, ha! Um... 102 00:04:09,353 --> 00:04:11,018 But it's-it's a mind-fuck in Hollywood, too, 103 00:04:11,087 --> 00:04:13,521 because, like Sofia Vergara-- I don't know if you guys know, 104 00:04:13,590 --> 00:04:15,758 but Sofia Vergara, when she got "Modern Family," 105 00:04:15,827 --> 00:04:18,427 it was because she dyed her hair brown, 106 00:04:18,496 --> 00:04:20,895 so she could look "more Latina," right? 107 00:04:20,964 --> 00:04:23,559 Which is crazy. That's fucked up that she had to do that. 108 00:04:23,628 --> 00:04:26,301 And then when she got the role on "Modern Family," what happened? 109 00:04:26,370 --> 00:04:28,671 The Latinos gave her backlash 110 00:04:28,740 --> 00:04:30,705 because she was "too stereotypical." 111 00:04:30,774 --> 00:04:32,608 They didn't like the way she represented Latinos. 112 00:04:32,677 --> 00:04:34,009 And I was like, (clicks tongue) 113 00:04:34,078 --> 00:04:36,779 I got a lot of family members that act like her, okay? 114 00:04:36,848 --> 00:04:38,580 (laughter) 115 00:04:38,649 --> 00:04:41,686 Yeah, it's my gay Uncles pero still, you know, like? 116 00:04:43,020 --> 00:04:45,057 They deserve representation. 117 00:04:48,025 --> 00:04:50,992 So, because I grew up in a conservative, uh, town, 118 00:04:51,061 --> 00:04:53,462 I-- you know, I don't identify as white. I don't. 119 00:04:53,531 --> 00:04:56,331 I identify as white-passing, and the difference 120 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,533 between white and white-passing 121 00:04:58,602 --> 00:05:01,870 is that I would never put my parents in a nursing home. 122 00:05:01,939 --> 00:05:04,006 -Um... -(applause) 123 00:05:04,075 --> 00:05:07,710 -(laughs) Oh shit. -(cheering) 124 00:05:07,779 --> 00:05:09,014 Thank you. 125 00:05:10,414 --> 00:05:12,481 Hey, man, shout out to all y'all for coming out. 126 00:05:12,550 --> 00:05:13,748 We appreciate you. 127 00:05:13,817 --> 00:05:15,350 I can't have you guys applauding every joke. 128 00:05:15,419 --> 00:05:17,652 -I don't got that kind of time. Please don't do that. -(laughter) 129 00:05:17,721 --> 00:05:19,788 Just laugh. I-I don't wanna fuckin' fuck my shit up 130 00:05:19,857 --> 00:05:22,494 'cause y'all are too excited. Um... 131 00:05:23,593 --> 00:05:25,756 -(laughs) -(laughter, indistinct yell) 132 00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:28,230 I know, girl. Um... 133 00:05:28,299 --> 00:05:31,467 So, the pandemic fucked shit up, right? 134 00:05:31,536 --> 00:05:32,768 I think it-- it changed me. 135 00:05:32,837 --> 00:05:34,169 I don't know if it changed you, guys. 136 00:05:34,238 --> 00:05:36,571 I appreciate you guys all coming out. 137 00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:38,408 You guys aren't wearing masks. What is wrong with you? 138 00:05:38,477 --> 00:05:39,407 I don't know. 139 00:05:39,476 --> 00:05:42,343 Shout out to you, sir. Thank you. 140 00:05:42,412 --> 00:05:44,612 Um, but the pandemic changed me. 141 00:05:44,681 --> 00:05:46,447 Remember at the begin-- It's been so long, right? 142 00:05:46,516 --> 00:05:48,016 It's been so long. Remember at the beginning, 143 00:05:48,085 --> 00:05:51,019 people were posting stupid shit on social media? 144 00:05:51,088 --> 00:05:53,088 I had hella friends just posting the dumbest shit. 145 00:05:53,157 --> 00:05:54,589 I had one friend that was like, 146 00:05:54,658 --> 00:05:57,226 (mocking): "I just cut my own hair for the first time ever. 147 00:05:57,295 --> 00:05:58,793 Hashtag bangs." 148 00:05:58,862 --> 00:06:01,696 -(laughter) -I had another homegirl who was like, 149 00:06:01,765 --> 00:06:04,132 (mocking): "Just painted my own nails for the first time ever. 150 00:06:04,201 --> 00:06:06,668 -Hashtag DIY." -(laughter) 151 00:06:06,737 --> 00:06:08,403 I had a homeboy who was like, 152 00:06:08,472 --> 00:06:10,738 "Just cooked every meal for the first time this week 153 00:06:10,807 --> 00:06:13,276 in my whole life." I was like, have you guys never been broke? 154 00:06:13,345 --> 00:06:14,575 (laughter) 155 00:06:14,644 --> 00:06:17,247 Hashtag hella broke. You guys never been broke, ever? 156 00:06:17,316 --> 00:06:18,914 Okay. Alright. 157 00:06:18,983 --> 00:06:21,016 I know who I'm gonna hit up for bail money. 158 00:06:21,085 --> 00:06:22,617 (laughter, applause) 159 00:06:22,686 --> 00:06:24,753 And then, the vaccine rollout happened, 160 00:06:24,822 --> 00:06:26,655 and I was so excited, you know, 161 00:06:26,724 --> 00:06:29,692 because being single during the pandemic was rough, right? 162 00:06:29,761 --> 00:06:31,860 -(audience agreeing) -It was rough! 163 00:06:31,929 --> 00:06:33,729 Me and all my homegirls were so excited 164 00:06:33,798 --> 00:06:34,997 when the vaccine rollout happened. 165 00:06:35,066 --> 00:06:36,531 We were just like in the group chat, like, 166 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:38,233 "Oh, I can't wait to get back out there." 167 00:06:38,302 --> 00:06:41,097 "Yeah, me--" Bitch, I was so desperate, 168 00:06:41,166 --> 00:06:43,439 I almost ordered a male sex robot. 169 00:06:43,508 --> 00:06:45,235 (laughter) 170 00:06:45,304 --> 00:06:46,608 That's where I was at, but with my luck, 171 00:06:46,677 --> 00:06:48,711 it was gonna show up and be 5'6". 172 00:06:48,780 --> 00:06:50,212 (laughter) 173 00:06:50,281 --> 00:06:51,480 I turn it on, it be like, 174 00:06:51,549 --> 00:06:54,116 (robotic): "I am 5'9". Beep, boop, boop." 175 00:06:54,185 --> 00:06:57,417 (applause, laughter) 176 00:06:58,255 --> 00:06:59,554 I don't know why, y'all men, 177 00:06:59,623 --> 00:07:01,156 you guys always lie about your height. 178 00:07:01,225 --> 00:07:02,892 I don't know what that's about. 179 00:07:02,961 --> 00:07:04,659 Men lie so much about their height, 180 00:07:04,728 --> 00:07:07,896 they accuse me of being seven feet tall. 181 00:07:07,965 --> 00:07:09,531 (laughter) 182 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:11,866 That's happened more than three times. 183 00:07:11,935 --> 00:07:15,204 You realize how fucked up that is? Anyways, alright. 184 00:07:15,273 --> 00:07:19,041 So, I was getting-- I was getting thirsty, man. It was hard. 185 00:07:19,110 --> 00:07:20,676 And then, in the group chat, we were all like, 186 00:07:20,745 --> 00:07:21,877 I just wanna get back out there. 187 00:07:21,946 --> 00:07:23,612 I'm gonna join the dating websites. Me, too. 188 00:07:23,681 --> 00:07:24,780 And one of my homegirls was like, 189 00:07:24,849 --> 00:07:27,086 "Marcella, I just miss kissing." 190 00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:29,418 (laughter) 191 00:07:29,487 --> 00:07:31,186 I was like, "It's been two years, bitch. 192 00:07:31,255 --> 00:07:33,155 I wanna be railed into a wall." 193 00:07:33,224 --> 00:07:36,091 (applause, laughter) 194 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:38,761 I want a dude to blow my back out so hard. 195 00:07:38,830 --> 00:07:42,067 my scoliosis reverses, you feel me? 196 00:07:44,902 --> 00:07:46,634 God damn. 197 00:07:46,703 --> 00:07:49,604 Kissing. I don't even kiss one-night stands. 198 00:07:49,673 --> 00:07:52,174 I had a one-night stand try to kiss me once. I was like, 199 00:07:52,243 --> 00:07:54,076 "Sir, ew! I don't know you!" 200 00:07:54,145 --> 00:07:57,012 (laughter) 201 00:07:57,081 --> 00:08:00,148 -Now, let's go raw dog, come on. -(applause) 202 00:08:00,217 --> 00:08:03,186 Oh, we got some hoes in the audience tonight. Nice. 203 00:08:03,255 --> 00:08:04,554 (cheering) 204 00:08:04,623 --> 00:08:06,754 -Yeah. -(cheering continues) 205 00:08:06,823 --> 00:08:11,293 Alright, relax, you thirsty-ass bitches. God damn. 206 00:08:11,362 --> 00:08:14,629 Uh, and I-- you know what I miss about the before times, though, 207 00:08:14,698 --> 00:08:16,665 -is going out dancing. -(sad groans) 208 00:08:16,734 --> 00:08:18,266 That's-- All the girls got sad. 209 00:08:18,335 --> 00:08:20,135 -(laughter) -I know! I miss it! 210 00:08:20,204 --> 00:08:22,470 I miss going out dancing. I used to go every week. 211 00:08:22,539 --> 00:08:24,973 It was so fun, and I miss going out dancing. 212 00:08:25,042 --> 00:08:28,075 Um, I-I-- My favorite is going to gay clubs, right? 213 00:08:28,144 --> 00:08:31,379 I love going to gay clubs 'cause gay men love straight women. They love-- 214 00:08:31,448 --> 00:08:33,015 You could walk in, looking like shit. 215 00:08:33,084 --> 00:08:35,550 -I've done it before. -(laughter) 216 00:08:35,619 --> 00:08:37,086 And one time-- It's a safe space, right? 217 00:08:37,155 --> 00:08:38,786 They're not gon-- They're not there to bug you, right? 218 00:08:38,855 --> 00:08:40,923 You can just do whatever. You can smell however you want. 219 00:08:40,992 --> 00:08:41,957 No one cares. 220 00:08:42,026 --> 00:08:43,558 I one time walked into a gay club, 221 00:08:43,627 --> 00:08:45,693 looking like straight-up shit head-to-toe, 222 00:08:45,762 --> 00:08:47,662 and as soon as I walked in, this little queen was like, 223 00:08:47,731 --> 00:08:50,666 "Yes, girl! You serving hobo realness!" 224 00:08:50,735 --> 00:08:53,468 -(applause) -(laughs) 225 00:08:53,537 --> 00:08:56,972 I was like, "Thank you! Thank you." 226 00:08:57,041 --> 00:08:58,534 But I hate going to straight clubs 227 00:08:58,603 --> 00:09:01,876 'cause, men, y'all have lost your sense of decorum. 228 00:09:01,945 --> 00:09:04,180 Motherfuckers went from, "May I have this dance," to... 229 00:09:04,249 --> 00:09:05,809 (grunting) 230 00:09:05,878 --> 00:09:07,082 (laughter) 231 00:09:07,151 --> 00:09:09,651 (grunting) 232 00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:12,087 Just shit-faced drunk, just thrusting their genitals. 233 00:09:12,156 --> 00:09:15,023 -They're doing (blubbering). -(laughter) 234 00:09:15,092 --> 00:09:17,287 You're just minding your business with your girl, 235 00:09:17,356 --> 00:09:18,693 doing the little junior high circle, 236 00:09:18,762 --> 00:09:21,996 -minding your business, right? -(laughter) 237 00:09:22,065 --> 00:09:24,533 And they just, (grunting)-- "Oh, my God! Is that a mosquito? 238 00:09:24,602 --> 00:09:27,368 -Ah!" -(applause) 239 00:09:27,437 --> 00:09:29,637 And straight dudes are tenacious. 240 00:09:29,706 --> 00:09:31,673 It's a numbers game for straight men. They're like, 241 00:09:31,742 --> 00:09:33,441 "Oh my bad, my bad." And they just move on. 242 00:09:33,510 --> 00:09:36,916 -(blubbering) -(laughter) 243 00:09:37,782 --> 00:09:39,381 "Oh, no, my bad, my bad, my bad." 244 00:09:39,450 --> 00:09:41,483 -(grunting) -(laughter) 245 00:09:41,552 --> 00:09:42,988 (blubbering) 246 00:09:45,256 --> 00:09:47,222 And then when you try to be like, "Oh, no, thank you," 247 00:09:47,291 --> 00:09:48,690 they're just, they just... 248 00:09:48,759 --> 00:09:50,058 "Hey, you don't have to play hard to get." 249 00:09:50,127 --> 00:09:52,295 Sir, you're playing hard to get away from! 250 00:09:52,364 --> 00:09:53,628 (applause) 251 00:09:53,697 --> 00:09:57,467 Leave me alone. No means no, Bill Cosby. Um... 252 00:09:57,536 --> 00:10:00,135 (shocked groans) 253 00:10:00,204 --> 00:10:02,438 If that's what you're offended by, just buckle up. 254 00:10:02,507 --> 00:10:03,939 (laughter) 255 00:10:04,008 --> 00:10:07,409 I got some shit in the second half. Alright, um... 256 00:10:07,478 --> 00:10:09,711 But I do. I miss going out dancing. 257 00:10:09,780 --> 00:10:11,213 I, uh... (laughs) 258 00:10:11,282 --> 00:10:13,882 I one time had a guy approach me at the bar. 259 00:10:13,951 --> 00:10:17,152 He comes right up to me. He's like, "I been watchin' you." 260 00:10:17,221 --> 00:10:19,658 Which is a bad start, right, ladies? 261 00:10:20,325 --> 00:10:22,691 Creepy as fuck. 262 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:25,527 He's like, "You're very tall." 263 00:10:25,596 --> 00:10:28,964 I was like, cool, he has eyeballs? I don't... 264 00:10:29,033 --> 00:10:31,166 He's like, "You don't move like a tall person." 265 00:10:31,235 --> 00:10:33,501 -What the fuck does that mean? -(laughter) 266 00:10:33,570 --> 00:10:34,970 Does he expect me to walk in the room 267 00:10:35,039 --> 00:10:36,939 and just start dunking on fools? 268 00:10:37,008 --> 00:10:38,907 (laughter) 269 00:10:38,976 --> 00:10:41,410 Soon as I walk in, every room I walk into, I'm like, 270 00:10:41,479 --> 00:10:43,546 "Hey, guys, I'm here from downtown!" 271 00:10:43,615 --> 00:10:46,114 (applause) 272 00:10:46,183 --> 00:10:48,984 "What's up, y'all? Boom-shakalaka! 273 00:10:49,053 --> 00:10:53,088 She's on fire!" I don't know what I'm doing wrong. 274 00:10:53,157 --> 00:10:55,924 I once had a guy roll up on me. Literally. He's in a wheelchair. 275 00:10:55,993 --> 00:10:58,493 -He rolls up. -(laughter) 276 00:10:58,562 --> 00:11:00,863 I'm so excited. I don't have a type. 277 00:11:00,932 --> 00:11:02,665 I really don't. Short, tall, fat, skinny. 278 00:11:02,734 --> 00:11:03,865 I don't give a fuck. You got a dick? 279 00:11:03,934 --> 00:11:05,501 I wanna see it, I wanna smell it. 280 00:11:05,570 --> 00:11:08,807 (applause) 281 00:11:09,674 --> 00:11:11,241 I'm like a curious puppy. 282 00:11:11,310 --> 00:11:14,213 (rapid sniffing) 283 00:11:17,915 --> 00:11:21,116 So this fool rolls up. I'm excited. He goes like this. 284 00:11:21,185 --> 00:11:23,318 I love confidence in a man. When he goes like this, 285 00:11:23,387 --> 00:11:24,948 I'm like, oh, what's up? 286 00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:26,391 (laughter) 287 00:11:27,391 --> 00:11:28,623 And he says, and I quote, 288 00:11:28,692 --> 00:11:32,161 "You would be perfect if you had a fat ass." 289 00:11:32,230 --> 00:11:33,996 (audience gasps) 290 00:11:34,065 --> 00:11:36,465 I was like, "You don't have legs." 291 00:11:36,534 --> 00:11:39,134 (laughter) 292 00:11:39,203 --> 00:11:42,637 (applause) 293 00:11:42,706 --> 00:11:44,039 And I wasn't even gonna bring it up! 294 00:11:44,108 --> 00:11:46,441 I had no problem with this shit, right? 295 00:11:46,510 --> 00:11:48,477 I'm glad you guys enjoyed that. 296 00:11:48,546 --> 00:11:50,045 (laughter) 297 00:11:50,114 --> 00:11:51,881 For anybody at home who's watching 298 00:11:51,950 --> 00:11:53,543 and is uptight about it, just so you know, 299 00:11:53,612 --> 00:11:56,151 I'm not the bad guy in that story, okay? 300 00:11:56,220 --> 00:11:59,621 MLK taught me to judge people by the content of their character. 301 00:11:59,690 --> 00:12:03,258 -That dude was a dick, right? -(applause) 302 00:12:03,327 --> 00:12:05,160 Because think about it. He could have been clever 303 00:12:05,229 --> 00:12:07,262 with this shit, but he chose to neg me. 304 00:12:07,331 --> 00:12:08,697 I hate when men neg. 305 00:12:08,766 --> 00:12:10,132 For-- Young women, do not fall for negging. 306 00:12:10,201 --> 00:12:13,301 Negging is when a man includes a insult in his compliment. 307 00:12:13,370 --> 00:12:15,737 That's not a compliment. Just say I'm perfect. 308 00:12:15,806 --> 00:12:17,472 We both know that's not true. Who gives a fuck? 309 00:12:17,541 --> 00:12:18,908 Are you trying to fuck or not? 310 00:12:18,977 --> 00:12:21,813 (applause, laughter) 311 00:12:22,447 --> 00:12:23,639 Right? 312 00:12:23,708 --> 00:12:25,647 And he could have been clever with this shit. 313 00:12:25,716 --> 00:12:27,615 He could've fucking rolled up, did this, 314 00:12:27,684 --> 00:12:29,885 I would've been like, "What's up?" He could've been like, 315 00:12:29,954 --> 00:12:32,120 "You ain't got no ass. I ain't got no legs. 316 00:12:32,189 --> 00:12:34,155 Together, we make a whole person." 317 00:12:34,224 --> 00:12:36,219 -(cheering) -I'd have been like, 318 00:12:36,288 --> 00:12:38,261 "Oh, shit, let's go!" 319 00:12:38,330 --> 00:12:41,366 (applause) 320 00:12:44,468 --> 00:12:47,663 -Your guys' clapping is stressing me out. Um... -(laughter) 321 00:12:47,732 --> 00:12:51,206 I don't like it. You guys are too lit right now! 322 00:12:51,275 --> 00:12:53,773 I'm good, huh? That's the problem. Um. 323 00:12:54,646 --> 00:12:56,479 (laughing) 324 00:12:56,548 --> 00:12:58,013 (applause) 325 00:12:58,082 --> 00:13:00,049 They got it. They heard it. 326 00:13:00,118 --> 00:13:01,616 But ever since I was a little girl, 327 00:13:01,685 --> 00:13:03,585 I always wanted a man to approach me 328 00:13:03,654 --> 00:13:07,388 the way Michael Jackson used to approach women in his videos. 329 00:13:07,457 --> 00:13:09,892 That's all I ever wanted. Ever since I was a little girl, 330 00:13:09,961 --> 00:13:12,064 I just wanted a guy to be all like-- 331 00:13:12,697 --> 00:13:15,935 (laughter) 332 00:13:19,904 --> 00:13:23,639 "What's your name? (imitating Michael Jackson) 333 00:13:23,708 --> 00:13:26,274 (laughter) 334 00:13:26,343 --> 00:13:27,109 (sings high note) 335 00:13:27,178 --> 00:13:30,415 (imitating Michael Jackson) 336 00:13:33,251 --> 00:13:35,587 (laughter) 337 00:13:36,754 --> 00:13:39,992 (applause) 338 00:13:43,461 --> 00:13:44,727 "Can I buy you a drink? 339 00:13:44,796 --> 00:13:46,328 (laughter) 340 00:13:46,397 --> 00:13:49,565 Vodka tonic? Be right back." Just moonwalks. 341 00:13:49,634 --> 00:13:51,734 (laughter, applause) 342 00:13:51,803 --> 00:13:53,438 Into my heart. Okay. 343 00:13:55,306 --> 00:13:56,341 (laughs) 344 00:13:57,742 --> 00:13:59,011 (laughs) 345 00:14:00,712 --> 00:14:02,878 This is too much. Um... 346 00:14:02,947 --> 00:14:05,381 Anybody drunk? I'm fuckin' lit, bitch, right up. 347 00:14:05,450 --> 00:14:08,184 (cheering) 348 00:14:08,253 --> 00:14:09,150 (sighs) 349 00:14:09,219 --> 00:14:11,120 But here's the thing. I realized 350 00:14:11,189 --> 00:14:13,588 that I don't want all that shit, right? 351 00:14:13,657 --> 00:14:16,125 I was like, I don't-- I miss going out dancing, 352 00:14:16,194 --> 00:14:19,394 but I don't-- I don't miss these dudes, right? 353 00:14:19,463 --> 00:14:22,197 And I was like, I need to work on myself. 354 00:14:22,266 --> 00:14:24,500 Because the truth is I'm 37, 355 00:14:24,569 --> 00:14:26,134 and I've been single 356 00:14:26,203 --> 00:14:28,704 -all those 37 years. -(laughter) 357 00:14:28,773 --> 00:14:31,073 And during the pandemic, I was like, 358 00:14:31,142 --> 00:14:32,741 "Oh, shit, it's me." 359 00:14:32,810 --> 00:14:34,776 (laughter) 360 00:14:34,845 --> 00:14:36,078 It's me. I'm the problem. And, bitch, 361 00:14:36,147 --> 00:14:39,281 if you're not laughing, girl, it's you. 362 00:14:39,350 --> 00:14:41,617 You need to work on yourself. You need to do some self-reflecting-- 363 00:14:41,686 --> 00:14:44,853 -Don't point at her! -(laughter) 364 00:14:44,922 --> 00:14:46,558 Oh, it's you. (laughs) 365 00:14:47,625 --> 00:14:49,759 And she said, "It's us." 366 00:14:49,828 --> 00:14:51,594 It's her and I. 367 00:14:51,663 --> 00:14:53,396 We, too, are the problem. 368 00:14:53,465 --> 00:14:54,964 (laughter) 369 00:14:55,033 --> 00:14:57,633 That goofy-ass outfit, of course, you're single. Um... 370 00:14:57,702 --> 00:15:00,469 Audience: Oh! 371 00:15:00,538 --> 00:15:03,175 (applause) 372 00:15:04,809 --> 00:15:07,609 Me deflecting your kisses. Ah! Ah! 373 00:15:07,678 --> 00:15:09,912 Uh, and I realized I need to work on myself, right? 374 00:15:09,981 --> 00:15:12,280 I was like, bitch, it's time to grow up, right? 375 00:15:12,349 --> 00:15:14,883 And then I started thinking about shit, how I am. 376 00:15:14,952 --> 00:15:17,319 I had an epiphany when I was watching 377 00:15:17,388 --> 00:15:19,120 "Beauty and the Beast" with my niece. 378 00:15:19,189 --> 00:15:20,621 Okay, it's her favorite movie. 379 00:15:20,690 --> 00:15:23,025 Of course, I grew up in the '90s, right? I love that movie. 380 00:15:23,094 --> 00:15:26,327 So we're watching it, and we get to that scene where, 381 00:15:26,396 --> 00:15:28,363 you know, Belle has that realization, 382 00:15:28,432 --> 00:15:30,665 and the snowball fight scene, you know what I'm talking about? 383 00:15:30,734 --> 00:15:33,068 Where she starts, like, looking at him different. 384 00:15:33,137 --> 00:15:34,937 (scattered laughter) 385 00:15:35,006 --> 00:15:36,171 She starts realizing shit, 386 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:39,509 I was like, I start realizing shit, you know? 387 00:15:39,578 --> 00:15:42,614 -I mean... -(laughter) 388 00:15:43,581 --> 00:15:45,881 I'm coarse. 389 00:15:45,950 --> 00:15:47,750 I'm unrefined. I'm the Beast! 390 00:15:47,819 --> 00:15:50,055 -No! -(laughter) 391 00:15:51,221 --> 00:15:53,154 And I was like, let me chill out. 392 00:15:53,223 --> 00:15:55,490 We kept watching the movie, right? 393 00:15:55,559 --> 00:15:57,058 As we watched the movie, I was like, oh! 394 00:15:57,127 --> 00:16:00,128 -I, too, slurp my oatmeal. -(laughter) 395 00:16:00,197 --> 00:16:03,598 I also look good in a-- in a blue suit. 396 00:16:03,667 --> 00:16:05,700 I'm the Beast, right? So I accepted that. I was like, 397 00:16:05,769 --> 00:16:07,698 that's who I am. I'm the Beast. The next time I fucked a dude, 398 00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:09,939 I was like, "Yeah, kill the Beast!" 399 00:16:10,008 --> 00:16:13,108 Psht! Kill the Beast. Psht! Be my guest. 400 00:16:13,177 --> 00:16:16,412 Psht! Put this pussy. Psht! To the test. 401 00:16:16,481 --> 00:16:17,549 Psht! Okay. 402 00:16:18,744 --> 00:16:21,249 -(laughter continues) -(laughs) 403 00:16:21,318 --> 00:16:23,553 That was for all the Disney heads, you know what I'm sayin'? 404 00:16:23,622 --> 00:16:25,190 (humming) Okay. 405 00:16:26,523 --> 00:16:28,423 So, I was like, I gotta work on myself. 406 00:16:28,492 --> 00:16:30,825 And it's hard because, you know, I-- 407 00:16:30,894 --> 00:16:35,063 You know, I have, obviously, a great sense of humor, right? 408 00:16:35,132 --> 00:16:36,264 And men, on the dating profiles, 409 00:16:36,333 --> 00:16:37,565 they always say they want a woman 410 00:16:37,634 --> 00:16:39,400 with a good sense of humor. They always say that. 411 00:16:39,469 --> 00:16:41,136 "I want a woman--" But they don't! 412 00:16:41,205 --> 00:16:42,971 Because when men say they want a woman 413 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:44,372 with a good sense of humor, what they mean 414 00:16:44,441 --> 00:16:46,207 is they want a chick whose boobs bounce 415 00:16:46,276 --> 00:16:48,478 when she laughs at his jokes. 416 00:16:48,547 --> 00:16:50,245 (laughter, applause) 417 00:16:50,314 --> 00:16:52,514 You see how the men aren't clapping? 418 00:16:52,583 --> 00:16:54,716 The women are clapping but the men aren't, okay? 419 00:16:54,785 --> 00:16:57,553 Because that's true. They're like, "What? No, come on." 420 00:16:57,622 --> 00:17:00,389 (laughter) 421 00:17:00,458 --> 00:17:02,524 So I was trying to watch-- I've been trying to watch myself. 422 00:17:02,593 --> 00:17:05,556 I was looking at the last dude that I was, I was talking to. 423 00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:07,462 I was like, what happened? 424 00:17:07,531 --> 00:17:09,634 And then, I looked at our old text messages. 425 00:17:11,202 --> 00:17:14,439 This dude goes, "Marcella, you have a beautiful face." 426 00:17:15,907 --> 00:17:17,472 And my response was, 427 00:17:17,541 --> 00:17:19,908 "I look like my dad. Are you gay?" 428 00:17:19,977 --> 00:17:22,143 (laughter) 429 00:17:22,212 --> 00:17:24,580 No wonder it didn't work out. 430 00:17:24,649 --> 00:17:26,949 Gee whiz, right? 431 00:17:27,018 --> 00:17:28,383 So, I've been working on myself, right? 432 00:17:28,452 --> 00:17:30,189 I'm trying to watch my mouth a little bit. 433 00:17:31,789 --> 00:17:32,855 I'm dating a short guy right now 434 00:17:32,924 --> 00:17:34,423 because I don't have a choice, right? 435 00:17:34,492 --> 00:17:35,523 (laughter) 436 00:17:35,592 --> 00:17:38,493 He's always asking me for piggyback rides. 437 00:17:38,562 --> 00:17:41,700 Every time he hugs me, it looks like a koala bear on a tree. 438 00:17:43,233 --> 00:17:45,433 It's all good. I like how you guys are like, 439 00:17:45,502 --> 00:17:48,536 -"Come on, give him a chance." -(laughter) 440 00:17:48,605 --> 00:17:50,072 I did give him a chance. It's going on for a-- 441 00:17:50,141 --> 00:17:51,506 It's been going on for a minute now, 442 00:17:51,575 --> 00:17:54,877 -and we are in love, okay? Yes! -(cheering) 443 00:17:54,946 --> 00:17:56,778 I am in love! 444 00:17:56,847 --> 00:17:59,514 For the first time in my life-- No, wait, let me correct that. 445 00:17:59,583 --> 00:18:02,752 This is the first time in my life someone loves me back. 446 00:18:02,821 --> 00:18:04,586 Audience: Aw... 447 00:18:04,655 --> 00:18:07,655 You see, the girls are like, "Ooh, I feel that." 448 00:18:07,724 --> 00:18:10,162 You felt that right here, bitch, huh? 449 00:18:10,895 --> 00:18:13,361 (laughs) 450 00:18:13,430 --> 00:18:15,898 And it's been great. I'm-- I am enjoying it, but I-- 451 00:18:15,967 --> 00:18:17,466 So I'm trying to like watch my mouth. 452 00:18:17,535 --> 00:18:19,902 Not-- You know, not when it counts, but you know what I mean? 453 00:18:19,971 --> 00:18:21,336 (laughter) 454 00:18:21,405 --> 00:18:23,138 Like trying to watch what I say out of my mouth, 455 00:18:23,207 --> 00:18:24,707 now what goes into it, right? 456 00:18:24,776 --> 00:18:26,374 (laughter) 457 00:18:26,443 --> 00:18:28,911 And so, and the first time we had sex, 458 00:18:28,980 --> 00:18:30,713 I was trying to be mindful, 459 00:18:30,782 --> 00:18:32,384 and I took off my shirt. 460 00:18:33,050 --> 00:18:34,378 And he-- 461 00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:36,652 (laughter) 462 00:18:36,721 --> 00:18:39,154 Bitch, I-- Was that you? 463 00:18:39,223 --> 00:18:41,824 She went, "Okay." 464 00:18:41,893 --> 00:18:43,659 -She taking notes! -(laughter) 465 00:18:43,728 --> 00:18:44,988 She's like, "Okay." 466 00:18:45,057 --> 00:18:47,630 Are you a bitch, too? Is that the problem? 467 00:18:47,699 --> 00:18:49,031 Are you trying to work on yourself 468 00:18:49,100 --> 00:18:50,369 because you're a bitch, too? 469 00:18:51,702 --> 00:18:54,303 -You're fucking sliding into your chair. -(laughter) 470 00:18:54,372 --> 00:18:56,066 What happened? Let's talk about it. 471 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,901 What's wrong with you, girl? No, just kidding. 472 00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,642 You're a bitch. That's what it is. Okay. 473 00:18:59,711 --> 00:19:01,476 (laughter) 474 00:19:01,545 --> 00:19:03,845 So, the first time we're having sex, I take off my shirt, 475 00:19:03,914 --> 00:19:08,050 and he was like, "Marcella, you have incredible breasts." 476 00:19:08,119 --> 00:19:10,753 -It took all of me... -(quiet laughter) 477 00:19:10,822 --> 00:19:12,353 not to say... 478 00:19:12,422 --> 00:19:14,722 -"You, too." -(loud laughter) 479 00:19:14,791 --> 00:19:18,230 -He doesn't need to hear that shit! -(applause) 480 00:19:18,796 --> 00:19:20,399 He knows. 481 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:26,101 So, I'm trying to watch my mouth with this dude. He's great. 482 00:19:26,170 --> 00:19:29,471 Yeah, he's great. I love him. We're a very progressive couple. 483 00:19:29,540 --> 00:19:32,908 Yeah, he's pansexual, and I am also a hoe. Um... 484 00:19:32,977 --> 00:19:35,543 (laughter, applause) 485 00:19:35,612 --> 00:19:37,416 -Audience member: Woo! -(laughs) 486 00:19:38,750 --> 00:19:40,181 That's funny you wooed at that, sir, 487 00:19:40,250 --> 00:19:41,250 because I've been watching you, 488 00:19:41,319 --> 00:19:43,384 and you've been hesitating to laugh. 489 00:19:43,453 --> 00:19:45,086 And then you wooed that pansexual shit 490 00:19:45,155 --> 00:19:48,423 -because you love to suck a dick and eat a pussy! -(cheering) 491 00:19:48,492 --> 00:19:52,695 And! And eat a pussy! I love it! 492 00:19:52,764 --> 00:19:55,531 (imitates airhorn) Shout out to you. 493 00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:56,731 (applause) 494 00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,404 Suck a dick and eat a pussy. I love it. Okay! 495 00:20:00,871 --> 00:20:02,407 Reset! Okay. 496 00:20:03,775 --> 00:20:05,810 (sighs, laughs) 497 00:20:06,945 --> 00:20:08,944 (cheering, applause) 498 00:20:09,013 --> 00:20:11,984 No! No excessive clapping. I don't have time for it. 499 00:20:13,084 --> 00:20:15,883 I gotta focus. 500 00:20:15,952 --> 00:20:18,420 That's your laugh? That's a good-- Uh! I just-- I'm too-- 501 00:20:18,489 --> 00:20:20,956 I have too much ADHD. When I hear shit, I'm like... 502 00:20:21,025 --> 00:20:22,157 (growls) 503 00:20:22,226 --> 00:20:23,458 Come watch me live another time 504 00:20:23,527 --> 00:20:25,894 so I can make fun of your laugh! Okay. 505 00:20:25,963 --> 00:20:28,663 Focus. Focus. Let me get back on track. Okay. 506 00:20:28,732 --> 00:20:31,834 Okay, so we've been going for a few months now. 507 00:20:31,903 --> 00:20:33,869 Eight-- Eight months, something like that. 508 00:20:33,938 --> 00:20:35,437 But, like three months into it, 509 00:20:35,506 --> 00:20:37,305 I told my homegirl-- You know, I was all excited. 510 00:20:37,374 --> 00:20:39,641 I was telling my closest homegirls about it, 511 00:20:39,710 --> 00:20:42,443 and one of my homegirls who's known me for a long time, she was like, 512 00:20:42,512 --> 00:20:44,279 "Marcella, you need move in with him!" 513 00:20:44,348 --> 00:20:46,648 And I was like, "Whoa! 514 00:20:46,717 --> 00:20:48,083 Relax." 515 00:20:48,152 --> 00:20:50,352 You know, like, I'm trying to go slow. 516 00:20:50,421 --> 00:20:51,653 And she was like, "Marcella, 517 00:20:51,722 --> 00:20:53,555 "I just know you've dealt with so many fuck-boys, 518 00:20:53,624 --> 00:20:55,391 and you're not getting any younger." And I was like, 519 00:20:55,460 --> 00:20:57,025 "Okay, relax again." 520 00:20:57,094 --> 00:20:58,627 (laughter) 521 00:20:58,696 --> 00:20:59,990 -I'm not... -Member: Going too far. 522 00:21:00,059 --> 00:21:03,165 -Yeah, going too far! -(laughter) 523 00:21:03,234 --> 00:21:04,366 And I just went, "You know what, girl? 524 00:21:04,435 --> 00:21:06,634 I'm just not trying to ruin things, right?" 525 00:21:06,703 --> 00:21:08,164 And she goes, "Don't worry, Marcella. 526 00:21:08,233 --> 00:21:11,206 It'll get ruined because everything gets ruined." 527 00:21:11,275 --> 00:21:12,907 (groaning laughter) 528 00:21:12,976 --> 00:21:15,978 I was like, "Damn, you're single? Who would've guessed?" 529 00:21:16,047 --> 00:21:17,312 (laughter) 530 00:21:17,381 --> 00:21:19,048 Who the fuck says that shit, right? I was like, 531 00:21:19,117 --> 00:21:20,916 "You know what? I got somebody I want you to meet." 532 00:21:20,985 --> 00:21:21,984 She was like, "Really? Who?" 533 00:21:22,053 --> 00:21:23,985 I was like, "My therapist, you fuckin' bitch." 534 00:21:24,054 --> 00:21:25,187 Who-- 535 00:21:25,256 --> 00:21:27,856 Who says that to someone who's newly in love? 536 00:21:27,925 --> 00:21:30,493 (applause) 537 00:21:30,562 --> 00:21:31,627 But it's hard, right? 538 00:21:31,696 --> 00:21:33,562 To try to change and to focus on it 539 00:21:33,631 --> 00:21:36,331 because then you also start to internalize your fuck-ups. 540 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:38,633 Right? You feel terrible. 541 00:21:38,702 --> 00:21:41,936 I once was going to my homegirl's house. 542 00:21:42,005 --> 00:21:43,972 I shouldn't say homegirl 'cause we're not super good friends. 543 00:21:44,041 --> 00:21:46,508 My friend Teresa, she's a beautiful Asian girl, 544 00:21:46,577 --> 00:21:49,410 right? And, like, we've kicked it before, 545 00:21:49,479 --> 00:21:52,614 so I know what she looks like. 546 00:21:52,683 --> 00:21:55,385 But then, I'm walking up to her house, 547 00:21:55,454 --> 00:21:58,153 and I see her, 548 00:21:58,222 --> 00:22:01,456 and I'm about to be like, "Hey, girl! What's up?" Right? 549 00:22:01,525 --> 00:22:04,793 And I'm right here. I'm right at, "He..." 550 00:22:04,862 --> 00:22:06,028 (laughter) 551 00:22:06,097 --> 00:22:07,662 I'm like... (squeaks) 552 00:22:07,731 --> 00:22:11,633 And I realize that she's not looking at me 553 00:22:11,702 --> 00:22:14,370 with the same familiar eyes... 554 00:22:14,439 --> 00:22:16,404 that I'm looking at her. 555 00:22:16,473 --> 00:22:19,308 And I was like, "He-- Oh... 556 00:22:19,377 --> 00:22:22,677 -"I'm a racist. Oh, my God." -(laughter) 557 00:22:22,746 --> 00:22:25,681 "I think all Asians look alike. Sandra Oh no." 558 00:22:25,750 --> 00:22:27,582 (laughter) 559 00:22:27,651 --> 00:22:30,152 "I'm a racist. Oh, my-- I think all Asians look like this-- 560 00:22:30,221 --> 00:22:31,954 Oh my-- This is terrible." 561 00:22:32,023 --> 00:22:33,689 I'm str-- I have all these intrusive thoughts, 562 00:22:33,758 --> 00:22:35,891 and as I'm having these thoughts, 563 00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:37,325 the girl, she looks at me, she's like, 564 00:22:37,394 --> 00:22:39,260 "Are you Marcella? I'm Teresa's twin sister." 565 00:22:39,329 --> 00:22:41,297 -I was like, twins! -(laughter) 566 00:22:41,366 --> 00:22:45,133 (applause) 567 00:22:45,202 --> 00:22:47,439 That's a racist's worst nightmare! 568 00:22:48,805 --> 00:22:51,043 You gotta let a bitch know when you're twins. 569 00:22:53,444 --> 00:22:56,078 It's hard trying to be a better person. 570 00:22:56,147 --> 00:22:57,813 But here's what I do like. 571 00:22:57,882 --> 00:23:00,315 I do like the music on the radio right now 572 00:23:00,384 --> 00:23:02,852 with all the rap girlies. I love it. 573 00:23:02,921 --> 00:23:06,321 Megan, Cardi, Doja, Saweetie, the City Girls. 574 00:23:06,390 --> 00:23:08,758 I love all of it. Latto, I love all of it. 575 00:23:08,827 --> 00:23:10,691 I'm so happy these girls are on the radio, 576 00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:13,695 and they're-- but they're always rapping about broke dudes 577 00:23:13,764 --> 00:23:16,331 or shitting on broke dudes, right? Cardi had that one song. 578 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:19,634 -"Broke boys don't deserve no pussy." -Audience: I know that's right! 579 00:23:19,703 --> 00:23:22,833 -Brainwashed. You see these bitches? -(laughter) 580 00:23:22,902 --> 00:23:24,573 Fucking brainwashed. 581 00:23:24,642 --> 00:23:25,874 That shit ain't right. 582 00:23:25,943 --> 00:23:28,743 That's classism, girl! That's elitism! 583 00:23:28,812 --> 00:23:30,578 And here's the fucked-up part. They never tell you 584 00:23:30,647 --> 00:23:33,052 why you shouldn't fuck a broke dude. 585 00:23:34,751 --> 00:23:36,919 Does anybody know why you shouldn't fuck a broke dude? 586 00:23:36,988 --> 00:23:38,987 (indistinct suggestions) 587 00:23:39,056 --> 00:23:41,022 They got the best dick. 588 00:23:41,091 --> 00:23:42,958 (cheers, laughter) 589 00:23:43,027 --> 00:23:44,960 They got the-- Broke dudes got the best dick. 590 00:23:45,029 --> 00:23:47,163 That's facts. I've done the research. 591 00:23:47,232 --> 00:23:50,800 (laughter) 592 00:23:50,869 --> 00:23:52,034 And why do they have the best dick? 593 00:23:52,103 --> 00:23:54,403 Because they've been sleeping all day... 594 00:23:54,472 --> 00:23:55,905 (laughter) 595 00:23:55,974 --> 00:23:59,174 then they fuck the shit out of you! 596 00:23:59,243 --> 00:24:02,578 And your stupid young ass is like, "There was a spark." 597 00:24:02,647 --> 00:24:04,679 -(laughter) -(sighs) 598 00:24:04,748 --> 00:24:07,282 Like, that wasn't a spark, girl. He's just well-rested. 599 00:24:07,351 --> 00:24:09,150 -(laughter) -Right? 600 00:24:09,219 --> 00:24:11,887 "Like, you don't understand. We had romantic shower sex." 601 00:24:11,956 --> 00:24:14,357 Bitch, he needed to take a shower. 602 00:24:14,426 --> 00:24:16,291 (laughter) 603 00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:17,727 "Marcella, you don't understand. 604 00:24:17,796 --> 00:24:18,928 In the morning, he made me coffee." 605 00:24:18,997 --> 00:24:21,864 Girl, he is a 46-year-old barista. 606 00:24:21,933 --> 00:24:23,568 (laughter) 607 00:24:24,169 --> 00:24:25,534 (laughs) 608 00:24:25,603 --> 00:24:27,335 Look, I'm not saying don't fuck them. 609 00:24:27,404 --> 00:24:31,072 Just don't fall for them. That's what I'm saying, right? 610 00:24:31,141 --> 00:24:33,375 'Cause they either fuck you right or they pay all your bills. 611 00:24:33,444 --> 00:24:35,378 -It's never both. -(laughter) 612 00:24:35,447 --> 00:24:37,680 Because if it's both... 613 00:24:37,749 --> 00:24:40,585 -he's cheating on you. -(laughter) 614 00:24:42,652 --> 00:24:44,653 Yeah, but I've been trying to grow up, 615 00:24:44,722 --> 00:24:46,989 get better, be a better person. 616 00:24:47,058 --> 00:24:48,351 And, uh, it's hard. 617 00:24:48,420 --> 00:24:49,958 But I always think about how I was as a kid. 618 00:24:50,027 --> 00:24:51,894 You guys remember the DARE program? 619 00:24:51,963 --> 00:24:53,523 Guys, remember the DARE program? Oh, my God. 620 00:24:53,592 --> 00:24:55,430 I love the DARE program. For those that don't remember, 621 00:24:55,499 --> 00:24:57,332 the DARE program was a program, 622 00:24:57,401 --> 00:25:00,602 an abstinence-- an abstinence-only... 623 00:25:00,671 --> 00:25:04,106 Wait. A drug and alcohol resistance program. 624 00:25:04,175 --> 00:25:06,845 Right? Just taught you to say no. That's all it was. 625 00:25:07,545 --> 00:25:09,878 And I fucking loved it. 626 00:25:09,947 --> 00:25:13,181 I-- When I was a kid, I loved being good. 627 00:25:13,250 --> 00:25:16,384 I love getting straight A's. I loved being a snitch. 628 00:25:16,453 --> 00:25:18,587 -I loved it. -(laughter) 629 00:25:18,656 --> 00:25:21,689 My siblings fuckin' hated me. 630 00:25:21,758 --> 00:25:24,059 I was like, "Listen, I'm not here to make friends." 631 00:25:24,128 --> 00:25:25,094 (laughter) 632 00:25:25,163 --> 00:25:28,000 "They feed me and buy me toys! Come on!" 633 00:25:29,500 --> 00:25:32,200 And I loved the DARE program. It was built for me. I loved it. 634 00:25:32,269 --> 00:25:35,170 And I loved, "Say no to drugs." I loved being good. 635 00:25:35,239 --> 00:25:38,040 And, uh, I actually... 636 00:25:38,109 --> 00:25:39,841 (laughs) I don't know if you remember, 637 00:25:39,910 --> 00:25:42,444 at the end of the DARE program, you wrote an essay 638 00:25:42,513 --> 00:25:45,108 about why you love the DARE program. 639 00:25:45,177 --> 00:25:46,147 Girl, my essay was so good, 640 00:25:46,216 --> 00:25:48,984 I got to read it in front of the whole school. 641 00:25:49,053 --> 00:25:49,952 (laughter) 642 00:25:50,021 --> 00:25:52,888 Yeah. That's how good it was, okay? 643 00:25:52,957 --> 00:25:54,890 I was so proud. My mom was so proud. 644 00:25:54,959 --> 00:25:57,659 My mom was so proud of me, she framed it 645 00:25:57,728 --> 00:26:00,162 and had it hanging by the front door. 646 00:26:00,231 --> 00:26:02,231 Right, but, yeah. Adorable. Yeah. You leave the house, 647 00:26:02,300 --> 00:26:04,567 and it was right there. Every time I left, I was like, 648 00:26:04,636 --> 00:26:05,934 -"Mm..." -(laughter) 649 00:26:06,003 --> 00:26:07,335 And then I think back, I'm like, 650 00:26:07,404 --> 00:26:08,704 no wonder my siblings hated me. 651 00:26:08,773 --> 00:26:10,205 You know, like, how annoying. 652 00:26:10,274 --> 00:26:11,841 But whatever, you know? 653 00:26:11,910 --> 00:26:14,276 I was proud of myself. I loved it. 654 00:26:14,345 --> 00:26:15,915 And then, I grew up. 655 00:26:17,381 --> 00:26:20,710 I started drinking at 21, which is good. That's good. 656 00:26:20,779 --> 00:26:23,646 -I started smoking weed around 24, right? -(lone laugh) 657 00:26:23,715 --> 00:26:26,189 And-- I don't like the way you laughed at that, ma'am. 658 00:26:26,258 --> 00:26:28,424 (laughter) 659 00:26:28,493 --> 00:26:30,125 Damn... Your laughter, 660 00:26:30,194 --> 00:26:32,160 you just called me a virgin with that laughter. 661 00:26:32,229 --> 00:26:33,765 I don't like that. 662 00:26:34,599 --> 00:26:36,498 And so, 663 00:26:36,567 --> 00:26:38,100 uh, the first time I got high, 664 00:26:38,169 --> 00:26:41,103 I went back to my mother's house, my parents' house, 665 00:26:41,172 --> 00:26:42,938 and I was high as shit, 666 00:26:43,007 --> 00:26:44,439 and I was trying to hide it. 667 00:26:44,508 --> 00:26:46,774 Like, looking down and shit, you know. 668 00:26:46,843 --> 00:26:49,044 And parents, they-- if there's parents of kids here, 669 00:26:49,113 --> 00:26:51,213 you know. You know when something is up with your kid. 670 00:26:51,282 --> 00:26:54,249 You know when they're happy, sad, when something's up, 671 00:26:54,318 --> 00:26:55,317 when something's bothering them, 672 00:26:55,386 --> 00:26:57,385 when they wanna talk about something, you know. 673 00:26:57,454 --> 00:27:00,889 So, my mom knew since I walked in that something was up, right? 674 00:27:00,958 --> 00:27:03,091 But she-- but I was looking all, you know, I was, like, 675 00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:04,993 not trying to look at her. And she-- she's 5'8", 676 00:27:05,062 --> 00:27:06,762 so she was trying to get up under me. She's like, 677 00:27:06,831 --> 00:27:08,833 -qué te pasa , Marcella? -(laughter) 678 00:27:10,168 --> 00:27:12,400 Qué te pasa, Marcella? Qué te pasa? 679 00:27:12,469 --> 00:27:14,970 Ey, Marcella, qué te pasa? 680 00:27:15,039 --> 00:27:16,472 Marcella, qué te pasa, Marcella? 681 00:27:16,541 --> 00:27:18,106 (clicking tongue) 682 00:27:18,175 --> 00:27:19,575 (laughter) 683 00:27:19,644 --> 00:27:20,913 Qué te pasa? 684 00:27:22,714 --> 00:27:23,979 And I don't lie. I've never lied. 685 00:27:24,048 --> 00:27:26,682 I've always been a good kid, so I don't lie. 686 00:27:26,751 --> 00:27:29,188 So, on her sixth qué te pasa, 687 00:27:30,421 --> 00:27:32,120 I told my mother, 688 00:27:32,189 --> 00:27:34,990 -"I am high on marijuana!" -(laughter) 689 00:27:35,059 --> 00:27:38,297 That's how I said it. "I am high on marijuana." 690 00:27:40,164 --> 00:27:43,198 And she was upset. Yeah. And-and-- 691 00:27:43,267 --> 00:27:45,600 You know, she got me in trouble. I went to my room. 692 00:27:45,669 --> 00:27:47,002 And in the morning, when I got up, 693 00:27:47,071 --> 00:27:49,304 I was too ashamed to, like, go-- like, go say good morning. 694 00:27:49,373 --> 00:27:50,873 None of that shit. I didn't do none of that. 695 00:27:50,942 --> 00:27:52,407 I just, like, snuck out of the house, 696 00:27:52,476 --> 00:27:54,877 and as I was sneaking out of the house to get breakfast, 697 00:27:54,946 --> 00:27:57,680 I noticed that the essay... 698 00:27:57,749 --> 00:27:59,682 Audience: Aw... 699 00:27:59,751 --> 00:28:01,987 ...was taken down. It was gone. 700 00:28:03,421 --> 00:28:06,354 You know, Latinos, we don't, like, talk about our problems 701 00:28:06,423 --> 00:28:07,723 or what's bothering us. 702 00:28:07,792 --> 00:28:10,125 So I had never mentioned it. 703 00:28:10,194 --> 00:28:12,428 I was like, "She-- she not wrong." 704 00:28:12,497 --> 00:28:14,166 (laughter) 705 00:28:15,467 --> 00:28:18,166 And then, a month ago, 706 00:28:18,235 --> 00:28:20,836 I heard her moving something, like, in the back, 707 00:28:20,905 --> 00:28:23,205 and I hear something fall and break. 708 00:28:23,274 --> 00:28:25,468 Like, something crashes. 709 00:28:25,537 --> 00:28:27,479 And I just hear, "Oh, sorry, Marcella." 710 00:28:28,613 --> 00:28:29,879 And I was like, what? 711 00:28:29,948 --> 00:28:31,880 And it was the DARE essay. 712 00:28:31,949 --> 00:28:33,315 She had saved it. 713 00:28:33,384 --> 00:28:35,451 So I brought it here to read to you guys. 714 00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:37,820 (applause) 715 00:28:37,889 --> 00:28:40,389 So... Look at that. 716 00:28:40,458 --> 00:28:43,195 (cheering) 717 00:28:44,829 --> 00:28:46,862 The stationery. This is the original. 718 00:28:46,931 --> 00:28:49,431 The cardstock. It's legit. 719 00:28:49,500 --> 00:28:51,427 Okay. 720 00:28:51,496 --> 00:28:53,669 "I promise to say no to drugs..." 721 00:28:53,738 --> 00:28:54,837 (laughter) 722 00:28:54,906 --> 00:28:57,406 "because of the everyday things I wanna do. 723 00:28:57,475 --> 00:28:59,442 Breathe and stay alive." 724 00:28:59,511 --> 00:29:01,043 (laughter) 725 00:29:01,112 --> 00:29:04,213 "Drugs are something I will never do. 726 00:29:04,282 --> 00:29:07,616 "Drugs aren't just flashy things. They are deadly things. 727 00:29:07,685 --> 00:29:09,051 "If you think drugs are cool 728 00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:11,687 "because famous people like models and TV stars use them, 729 00:29:11,756 --> 00:29:13,449 you think wrong." All capital. 730 00:29:13,518 --> 00:29:15,691 -"You think wrong." -(laughter) 731 00:29:15,760 --> 00:29:18,560 "I promise again to say no to drugs. 732 00:29:18,629 --> 00:29:20,029 "The only way I can keep my promise 733 00:29:20,098 --> 00:29:22,131 "is to pick good friends, people I trust, 734 00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:24,132 "and great adults that I can depend on. 735 00:29:24,201 --> 00:29:25,834 "If I didn't have all those people, 736 00:29:25,903 --> 00:29:27,703 who knows where I'd be right now?" 737 00:29:27,772 --> 00:29:29,305 I'm 10. 738 00:29:29,374 --> 00:29:31,572 (laughter) 739 00:29:31,641 --> 00:29:34,877 "The promise is very important to keep because of cancer, 740 00:29:34,946 --> 00:29:36,712 -AIDS..." -(audience groaning) 741 00:29:36,781 --> 00:29:39,515 It was the '90s. "Cancer, AIDS, 742 00:29:39,584 --> 00:29:41,016 "and a lot of deadly things. 743 00:29:41,085 --> 00:29:43,919 "If everyone knew about this and cared about themselves, 744 00:29:43,988 --> 00:29:46,755 "no one would be buying drugs today. 745 00:29:46,824 --> 00:29:48,523 "My goals are never, ever to use drugs, 746 00:29:48,592 --> 00:29:50,826 but that will be hard because all of the pressure." 747 00:29:50,895 --> 00:29:52,160 (laughter) 748 00:29:52,229 --> 00:29:53,863 "My other goals are to become a teacher 749 00:29:53,932 --> 00:29:56,226 and to have a lovely drug-free family." 750 00:29:56,295 --> 00:29:57,660 Audience: Aw... 751 00:29:57,729 --> 00:29:59,534 "The most fun thing I did in DARE was acting 752 00:29:59,603 --> 00:30:01,871 "and learning all about drugs. Marcella Arguello, 753 00:30:01,940 --> 00:30:04,439 Cypress School, May 18, 1995." 754 00:30:04,508 --> 00:30:07,476 -(cheering) -Thank you. 755 00:30:07,545 --> 00:30:10,406 (applause) 756 00:30:10,475 --> 00:30:12,384 So I wrote a little response. 757 00:30:13,450 --> 00:30:16,417 -"You dumb little bitch." -(laughter) 758 00:30:16,486 --> 00:30:20,388 "You broke your promise and your mother's heart. 759 00:30:20,457 --> 00:30:22,291 "First of all, you really should take a break 760 00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:25,593 "from playing with your Barbies and eating pupusas and realize 761 00:30:25,662 --> 00:30:28,163 "that being an adult is not easy. 762 00:30:28,232 --> 00:30:30,265 "One day, you will grow up to love drugs 763 00:30:30,334 --> 00:30:32,468 because guess what? Drugs are great." 764 00:30:32,537 --> 00:30:34,470 (laughter) 765 00:30:34,539 --> 00:30:36,171 "And life is hard. 766 00:30:36,240 --> 00:30:37,606 "Drugs can get you through the day 767 00:30:37,675 --> 00:30:39,775 or help you sleep at night, and they even clear your skin." 768 00:30:39,844 --> 00:30:41,877 -That's true. -(laughter) 769 00:30:41,946 --> 00:30:44,312 "You said you would keep your drug-free promise 770 00:30:44,381 --> 00:30:46,248 "by picking good friends, people you trust, 771 00:30:46,317 --> 00:30:47,782 "and great adults that you can depend on. 772 00:30:47,851 --> 00:30:50,152 "And I want you to know that some of the best 773 00:30:50,221 --> 00:30:53,455 "and only people you should do drugs with are good friends, 774 00:30:53,524 --> 00:30:56,892 people you trust, and great adults that you can depend on." 775 00:30:56,961 --> 00:31:00,199 (applause, cheering) 776 00:31:02,633 --> 00:31:05,000 "Additionally, the DARE program will end very soon 777 00:31:05,069 --> 00:31:07,170 because it's tremendously ineffective." 778 00:31:07,239 --> 00:31:08,270 (laughter) 779 00:31:08,339 --> 00:31:11,473 "In fact, it will become an anti-bullying program, 780 00:31:11,542 --> 00:31:15,177 "which you could use. 781 00:31:15,246 --> 00:31:17,078 "You know, some of those gay kids are gonna grow up 782 00:31:17,147 --> 00:31:19,882 to be your best friend, you homophobic twat." 783 00:31:19,951 --> 00:31:20,949 (laughter) 784 00:31:21,018 --> 00:31:23,318 Again, it was the '90s, okay? 785 00:31:23,387 --> 00:31:25,888 "Look, in 'Parable of the Sower,' Octavia Butler writes, 786 00:31:25,957 --> 00:31:27,455 "'The only lasting truth is change.' 787 00:31:27,524 --> 00:31:29,690 "So, little me, it's time to start changing 788 00:31:29,759 --> 00:31:32,427 "because the sooner you focus your energy on taking down 789 00:31:32,496 --> 00:31:34,296 "oppressive institutional power structures 790 00:31:34,365 --> 00:31:35,965 "that brainwash you into thinking 791 00:31:36,034 --> 00:31:37,900 "you're morally superior than other people, 792 00:31:37,969 --> 00:31:40,569 the better off you'll be. Yours forever, You." 793 00:31:40,638 --> 00:31:43,033 (cheering) 794 00:31:43,102 --> 00:31:45,474 My name is Marcella Arguello, you guys. Thank you so much. 795 00:31:45,543 --> 00:31:46,709 Have a good night! 796 00:31:46,778 --> 00:31:50,015 (applause) 797 00:31:54,952 --> 00:31:58,190 (cheering, applause continue)