Okay. Here's my advice when it comes to marriage:
Never marry someone you love more than they love you.
That is so cynical. You were married for 20 years.
It had to have been nice for some time.
Nice? (scoffs)
The last nice thing my ex-wife said to me was,
"I do," and then she didn't
for the rest of the marriage.
Go ahead, give me your feminist rebuttal.
I don't have one,
P. Bear.
P. Bear? What the hell is that?
It's my new nickname for you.
I don't like it.
It sounds like I get up five times
in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.
Go back to "Poppa."
Okay... P. Bear.
See? Now I got to go use the bathroom.
How about a word from our sponsors?
Hey, Trey.
Okay, this was a good conversation,
but we got to figure out
new ways to market our show.
How about T-shirts?
How about you go back outside and play?
(sniffs) And that smell
better not be coming off your shoe.
It's not. Hey!
(laughs) What was that?
Go wash your hands.
(laughs) (groans)
He is so cute.
You didn't smell his fingers.
All right, P. Bear, we got to get back to the marketing.
I got an idea. Why don't we get
one of those things at the dealership
that does this?
Guess what!
Hey, Junior. Hi-vy, Ivy.
(fingers snap)
My feral son Trey,
who is currently peeing in your petunias,
is a genius.
Yeah, he just took an IQ test, and apparently he's gifted.
Really? The same boy
that brought all the bees in my house? Yep.
The one that likes to sniff the seats? Yep.
The one that like to take a... Yep.
...in top of the... Yep.
Upper decker, yep.
But here's the best part.
He got accepted into Buckingham.
The palace?
No, not the palace. The school.
It's one of the top schools in the country.
Congratulations, Junior.
You know, they don't just take anybody.
Let me guess. That's where you went?
It is. (laughs, snorts)
You see, Buckingham is a place
that teaches kids really important things
like kindness and compassion, happiness...
Aw, these private schools are nothing but
a big money racket.
You got your tuitions and your uniforms,
the mandatory donations.
By the time your kid finishes school,
you're broke, living underneath a bridge.
JUNIOR: Gosh, Dad. Again with this?
I went to private school.
Yeah, and I don't hold that against you, son.
I hold it against your mother.
See, public school teaches you grit and street smarts.
Getting locked in a locker for the whole day,
it prepares you for working a nine-to-five.
I am the man I am today
courtesy of public school.
And I am the woman I am today courtesy of private school.
And I rest my case.
And I am having dinner tomorrow night
to celebrate Trey's brilliance
and would love for you to be there.
And I have to go pee right now. How bad you got to pee?
Are you gonna come? Are you gonna come? I got to pee, son.
I'll-I'll be there. I'll be there!
♪ Poppa's ♪
♪ House ♪
♪ Yeah. ♪
Now, I just want to say how proud we are of Trey
for getting into such a prestigious school.
Clearly, he gets his brains
from his mother.
Thank you, Daddy.
TREY: They say you can't
lick your own elbow.
My dad also says you can't lick your own...
All right.
(giggles)
Anyways... (clears throat)
Where was I? Yes, our generous...
Look, cut the crap.
You need money for tuition, right?
"Need" is such a strong word.
I-I prefer "yearning..."
To answer your question, yes.
We would like for you to help us pay for Trey's education.
Help? So, that means you have some of the money?
We've raised almost $5,000, but that's not enough.
(laughing): No, not at all.
Not for Buckingham.
Well, why don't you take out a loan?
Ooh, tried and denied.
Why don't you ask shortstop over there?
Also tried, also denied.
Hey, I paid for this house.
Helped pay for this hou--
No, no, you paid for it.
Yeah, you paid. You did that.
Whole house.
Look, I already told you
that I don't like these--
What is-- Who's that for?
What? What?
Hello.
Grandma!
Mommy!
I thought I smelled half my money.
Hello, Catherine.
Hello, tightwad.
Hello, Catherine.
Hello, little one.
Are we having your lasagna
again? (laughs)
(quietly): Little one. You hear that?
Having your mom here better work.
Look, if anyone can get money out of my dad,
it's my mom. Trust me.
I have a plan.
Grandma, do you have presents for us?
Do you remember the magic words?
BOTH: We love you more than Poppa!
Ooh! Presents for the babies.
Now, go open them in a place where I can't see you.
Catherine, are you aging backwards?
Oh, Joseph, Joseph.
You always know what to say.
Unlike some people sitting here,
right over there.
You look good, too, Joseph.
Thank you.
You still have some hair.
You sure were the one that got away.
(sniffs)
Yeah, and I sure wish you would stay away.
What are you doing here,
wallet whisperer?
You already got half.
I don't want your money, tightwad.
It's for our grandson.
I told you years ago,
I don't believe in these kinds of schools.
I thought you'd say that, but have you told this guy?
(gentle piano music playing)
JUNIOR (over laptop): There are so many kids
who don't get to go to private school.
What's two plus two, little guy?
I can't afford to know that.
(voice breaking): He can't afford to know that.
These kids didn't have the opportunity to learn
because they couldn't get the money
from their rich grandfather who claims to love them.
(goofy voice): Mm! I don't want to be that grandpa.
You sure don't.
And all you have to do is show up
with $22,740 and 15 cents.
That's it? What a deal.
A deal indeed.
And then your grandchild can live happily ever after.
What's two plus two, honey?
Money!
Yes, it is.
ALL: Thank you, Poppa!
(sighs) So...
cash or check?
Tried and denied.
Damon, a word.
(sighs)
What, woman?
"Some hair."
My plan's coming together like butt cheeks.
How dare you not even consider...
Don't start with the "how dare you's."
That's all I ever hear from you.
"How dare you this. How dare you that."
Like, "How dare you sleep with that slut?"
She wasn't a slut.
She was a ballet dancer working her way through law school.
Yeah, like a slut.
She was moonlighting at NASA.
Oh, like a slut on the moon.
Why you always bring her up?
You're the one who cheated first.
No, I had a fling.
You fell in love. I never gave him my heart.
Yeah, but you gave him everything else,
including what you only gave me on my birthday.
You know I have bad knees.
Okay, now, look, do not make this conversation
about you, all right?
This is about what is best for our grandson.
Catherine, I'm standing on principle.
The only thing you are standing on
is that pile of crap that is coming out of your mouth.
Hey, don't you dare with that...
Don't you "don't you dare" me. That's my thing.
You know what, Catherine? What?
You're not winning this argument.
You know, this is not about winning anything.
This is about you being selfish.
Now, you don't mind wasting your money
on your fancy cars. Collectibles.
Music collection. Vintage.
Your stupid fancy sneakers.
I have a club foot
and fallen arches.
And you never bring up the real waste of my money,
which is you and your alimony payment.
Well, I earned every single dollar.
Cooking the meals, raising the kids,
putting up with your tiny head and your even tinier...
Hey, hey, watch your mouth.
I was gonna say heart, but if the condom fits, then...
You know the condom didn't fit.
You'd bring home those Magnums.
Why? Oh. Oh, real-- It's like a body bag.
Yes. Oh, so now it's a body bag?
It's that bad? Yes.
Quiet!
Both of you.
Oh, quite a big bark coming from such a little pup.
The little jokes are getting old, just like you.
Ooh.
Thank you.
Junior, are you gonna let her talk to your mother like that?
Did you hear that? I think someone's at the door.
I'll get it.
Poppa, before you make a decision,
please come see the school tomorrow,
see what your dollar buys.
Just keep an open mind.
Ha! Open mind?
I can be open-minded.
You couldn't be open-minded
if someone cracked your head open.
And by "someone," I mean me.
Nina, I will be there.
And my mind is open.
However, my wallet remains closed.
Uh, Dad, you should take your hat off.
For who? Is the pope in town?
(school bell rings) ♪ And here's your gold star ♪
♪ For brightest smile ♪
♪ And here's your gold star ♪
♪ For one good day in a row ♪
♪ And here's your gold star ♪
♪ For last place ♪
♪ Way to never give up. ♪
Look at this. Everybody here gets a gold star?
JUNIOR: Isn't it great?
See, this is what I'm talking about
with these types of schools.
(British accent): Hello, Fulton family.
Welcome to Buckingham.
It's a pleasure to have you.
(British accent): Oh, the pleasure is ours,
Your Majesty.
Mwah! (chuckles)
NINA: I am so sorry.
He does this when he's nervous. It's a tic.
JUNIOR (normal voice): Yeah, yeah.
Whenever I hear an accent, I have to imitate it.
Remember Jamaica?
(Jamaican accent): Me can't get rid of me accent
for three weeks.
(Jamaican accent): Or your ganja habit.
(laughs) Lord have mercy.
(chuckles, clears throat)
You must be Trey.
I'm Headmistress Pierce,
but the students call me Susan.
Hey, Susan, want to see me lick my...
Hey. No, hey. No.
Why don't you go and explore our Leadership Lounge,
and I'll talk to your parents and grandparents?
See, Buckingham is all about family.
We think of children as trees that we nurture,
but the family is the roots.
Well, all this talk about trees makes me want to leaves.
Susan, get it? (chuckles)
(chuckles) I prefer the parents call me Headmistress.
Oh, my ex-husband had a head mistress.
Oh, and she was good at her job.
Are you smelling my hair?
Uh, yes.
(British accent): Enough with all this tiddlysquat and collywobble.
I would love to have a look-see at your learnatorium.
Are you mocking me?
Mocking you? No!
God save the Queen, no!
(normal voice): I can't stop. I'm sorry.
Neither can I. (chuckles)
(British accent): Dr. Reed?!
What in the Daniel Radcliffe are you doing here?
Nina invited me.
She wrote such a lovely recommendation for Trey.
And she insisted on coming.
Oh, so this must be your little radio girlfriend.
And you must be the bitter ex-wife.
(chuckles) Maybe you are funny.
I told you. (laughs, snorts)
I take it back.
Well, what you probably don't know
is that I had the privilege
of writing the Buckingham cheer 20 years ago.
20 years ago, my ass. (laughing)
♪ Hey, Poppa, yeah, hey, Poppa, yeah ♪
♪ Introduce yourself, okay ♪
♪ Introduce yourself ♪
♪ Right on, my name is Poppa, yeah ♪
♪ And I'm a Buckster, yeah ♪
♪ I cheer for Ivy, all right, all right. ♪
Oh.
Ow! I'm stuck.
And here's your gold star...
♪ For finally making me laugh. ♪
(holds note)
What is wrong with you?
This reminds me of high school.
You know, you-you actually could still be in high school.
High school, my ass.
Really? (chuckles)
Well, thank you, Joseph Joseph.
You know what? And you could be the hot jock
(trilling): in a letterman's jacket.
(trilling): With the receding hairline.
Hey, I'll take a half a 'fro over a no-'fro anytime.
And besides, what I have left is very soft.
I think they make a blue pill for that.
Perhaps we should spend some time in the wellness room.
(British accent): The wellness room?
What in the Meghan Markle is that?
(normal voice): I'm sorry. I-I can't stop.
(playing soft melody)
Children today are told
to keep their negative emotions locked away,
but at Buckingham, we believe that there's just no such thing
as a negative emotion.
Well, what's this thing I'm feeling right now?
Cynicism? Inferiority?
(British accent): I was thinking more of contempt.
Well, perhaps you should take this class.
See, the children here learn to turn suppression
into expression, with aggression.
All right, children. Time to let it all out.
Three, two, one.
And rage!
(kids screaming) (Poppa exclaims)
(screaming continues)
(grunting): You're not the boss of me, Dad!
This is money down the drain.
Dad, wait.
I am not spending my hard-earned money
on this place.
And there it is.
Just admit it.
The only reason you don't want Trey to come here
is because of money.
No, because of my money.
See, I don't see you chipping in to send him
to this obnoxious, gold-star touchy-feely-obsessed school.
The only joke I see here is you
and your pompous, ignorant view of this institution.
Look, lady, let me tell you something...
No, I will be doing the telling.
I've had to stand here listening
to your disparagingly snide remarks
about something I have dedicated my life to.
Yeah, but... You, sir, are a dinosaur.
And I, for one, will not cry when you become extinct.
I feel sorry for Trey.
There. I dressed you down.
Hold up.
You bargain basement Mary Poppins.
Nobody dresses this man down but me.
Now, sure, he's pigheaded.
You're damn right he is.
And cheap. Than a mug.
And always thinks he's right about everything.
Which he is not. But...
And here comes my mom's "but."
Junior, I think I got this.
But you can search this world over
and you will never find another man
who is more dedicated and loving towards his family,
and especially his grandson.
Now, he may not be perfect...
...but he's the best man that I've ever known.
Hey, what about me, Cat?
Uh-- "Cat"? We not like that.
Each to their own, dear.
(sighs)
Wow, you meant that?
Don't you make me regret saying it.
But yes.
I know you only want the best for Trey.
I do. I just don't want him to grow up
to be a soft, spoiled, entitled mooch.
Like me.
That's what you're afraid of, right?
I-I can't believe I just hyped up my mom to defend you.
Junior, listen... No. No, Dad.
I get it, all right?
I'm a complete disappointment to you.
Junior.
Not complete.
Go fix it.
Go fix it, and I'll fix things
(British accent): with Mary Poppins.
Junior. You ever heard of knocking?
You ever heard of not slamming the door in your father's face?
You ever heard of not being a jerk?
You ever heard of not calling your father a jerk?
Only when he's not a jerk!
Which is rare.
Look, Dad, I don't even know why you're here.
It's obvious that you're embarrassed by me.
I'm not embarrassed by you, son.
Well, you don't think I have fire or grit.
You know, and maybe you're right, you know?
Maybe I'm just a guy with amazing arms, abs and chest
that likes to play in the bathtub with toy boats.
But that's who I am, Dad, all right?
Whether you like it or not.
You play with boats in the bath?
Yeah, it's fun.
Look, Jun--
(sighs)
Look.
Do I wish you were tougher? Yes.
But you know what, son?
In a lot of ways, I look up to you.
You're smart.
You're kind.
And your relationship with Nina, I envy.
You are a much better father and husband than I ever was.
Well, do you ever think
that's because I went to private school?
And didn't get shoved in a locker like you every day?
Well...
to be honest, I never got shoved in the locker.
I did the shoving. (laughs)
But seriously, son, if-if I hurt your feelings,
I'm sorry.
Wh-What was that?
You said sorry. Those are kissing words.
I'm trying to apologize...
Synonym.
I don't make the rules. I just enforce them.
You think I want to do this? No.
So, listen, you kiss everybody that says "I'm sorry"?
Mm.
Yes.
Okay, Junior, listen, this is not about you and me.
This is about Trey and what's best for him.
And to be honest, I didn't see anything at Buckingham
to make me change my mind.
Well, maybe this will change your mind.
Trey, show him.
Check it out.
POPPA: Whoa! Look at that cool T-shirt.
Where'd you get that from?
I made it at school. Try the QR code.
What's that?
Take your phone and point it at the little box.
I do that every night. (chuckles)
It's not working.
Is that a phone or a Life Alert?
Whoa, look, the podcast came up.
This kid is smart.
You-You did this all at Buckingham?
Duh.
(chuckling)
Wow.
I'm impressed.
Thank you, Poppa. You're the best grandpa ever.
Aw. Aw.
You hear that, Damon? And you see that face?
Now, if that doesn't melt the ice on your wallet,
then you really are the Grinch.
(grumbles) You always know what to say.
Trey, I would be
honored to help pay
for your tuition. JUNIOR: Yes.
Joseph Joseph, now, I know you're not gonna let Damon
come in and steal your glory again.
What? Of course not.
I'll split it with you, 50/50.
Mm-mm. Too late for that, Jack.
Okay, fine. You don't want my 50%?
I'll go 60. Ooh.
(auctioneer voice): I've got 60%. Do we have 75?
Do we have 75?
Seventy-five. JUNIOR: 75% from Baldy.
We got Tiny, Bald Head with 75, back in the game.
Do I hear 80? Do we have 80?
Ninety.
90. Soft-Bottom Baby Shoes with 90.
Baby Shoes taking baby steps to 90. Do I hear...
Ninety-five! JUNIOR: 95!
Ninety-eight! JUNIOR: 98!
Going once, going twice...
Sold to the sexy man with two first names.
That would be me. (chuckles)
In your face, Damon.
Nope, in your wallet. That's right.
In my... In...
Wait a minute.
I've been had.
Oh, Joseph Joseph, my silly little puppet.
Welcome to my web.
♪ Hey, Junior? ♪
♪ Yeah? ♪
♪ Hey, Junior? ♪ Yeah? ♪
♪ Introduce yourself ♪ Okay ♪
♪ Introduce yourself ♪
♪ My name is Junior ♪ Yeah ♪
♪ My son is Trey ♪ Yeah ♪
♪ And he's a Buckster ♪
BOTH: ♪ Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah! ♪
(squealing) (laughing)
You kiss everybody who says sorry?
(laughing)
(goofy voice): Mm. That's all?
Oh, well... (grunting)
(laughing)
How's the petting?
(laughs) Is that good?
No, you're petting him like a dog.
How many times do you have to do this?
I think seven more. (chuckles)
Like 70,000. Yeah.
Um... But you guys are crushing it.
Mm-hmm.
Just like a baby's diaper.
Let's get through this so these kids stop roasting me.
(laughing)
Captioning sponsored by CBS
and TOYOTA.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org