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Downloaded from
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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NOTEBOOKS
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DEATH CERTIFICATE
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63-YEAR-OLD FEMALE
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DEATH REGISTERED
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SUSPECTED SUICIDE BY HANGING
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I'VE STARTED WRITING AGAIN, WHICH IS WHY...
I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOING.
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WHO WILL READ WHAT I'VE WRITTEN
IN THE DEPTHS OF THIS FOLDER
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AMONG ALL THE OTHER FILES
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WHY IS THERE ALWAYS THIS HOPE
OF BEING UNDERSTOOD AFTER MY DEATH?
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FOUND AND SAVED.
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What can I say
that I haven't already said, or that...
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00:03:00,471 --> 00:03:03,950
I want you to get to the end
of this work and get rid of it.
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Why, Dad?
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Your mom never
managed to get rid of it.
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So, yes.
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00:03:10,031 --> 00:03:12,190
And I think that...
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00:03:12,711 --> 00:03:15,950
basically, I don't think
your future is in this, it's elsewhere.
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You're dragging crates
that you don't need to drag.
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Your mum dragged
them around all her life.
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That's what drove her crazy.
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And I think your future, your strength,
and your energy lie elsewhere.
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They lie with your kids, your work,
with the people around you,
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and not in a desperate attempt
to understand something
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that's incomprehensible,
because it's absurd.
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Shit.
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At the moment, I am mostly working on...
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what I call my genesis, before me.
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You were writing.
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DAUGHTER OF
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Your last book speaks only of
your own mother, also a writer.
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THE PLANE TREES
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My mother is still
an incredible character.
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For this book,
you recorded your conversations
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with the surviving witnesses
from your childhood.
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00:06:31,191 --> 00:06:34,470
You went through
your mother's correspondence,
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sorted through thousands
of photos in crates.
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You read her notebooks.
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You copied all the notes
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00:06:42,921 --> 00:06:47,110
she had written in the small
diaries kept in this suitcase.
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I TELL CAROLE THAT
SHE'S TOO CLOSED OFF WITH ME.
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SHE'LL BE BLOCKED IN HER WRITING.
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You archived everything,
your writing and your mother's.
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Both of your notebooks and manuscripts.
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The enigma of your faces
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and your voice.
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BUT WHO IS CAROLE?
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- Hello.
- Hello.
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Come in.
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- Would you like a tea, some water?
- No, I have what I need.
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This was her desk.
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So...
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These are her jeans.
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Her T-shirt.
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I got a cardigan with her scarf.
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A matching handbag.
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Here you have her diary,
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00:09:06,551 --> 00:09:09,590
her passport,
ID card, social security card.
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00:09:11,111 --> 00:09:16,110
I have two pairs of glasses.
You can tell me which you prefer.
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I bought some lenses, since your
eyes are blue and hers were brown.
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Her perfume.
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Here is her watch and some rings.
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She always wore this necklace.
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A wig.
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There's a mirror there
if you want while changing.
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Pass me your shoes, please.
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- What?
- Your shoes.
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00:13:41,671 --> 00:13:43,710
"My mother left me an enigma."
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"The story of our relationship."
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00:13:48,711 --> 00:13:53,550
You're doing exactly what she did.
You're investigating your mother.
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My grandmother wrote a book
about her own mother.
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After her mother's death,
Carole Achache kept a suitcase
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with her mother's diaries
haphazardly thrown in.
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00:15:51,031 --> 00:15:55,110
In them, her mother noted her schedule
and quotes reflecting her mood,
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00:15:55,271 --> 00:15:57,910
as well as the photos of a life.
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00:15:58,071 --> 00:16:02,230
A life essentially dedicated to books
and those who wrote them.
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00:16:02,391 --> 00:16:05,350
Monique Lange began working
at Gallimard in the '50s,
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climbing all the rungs of the ladder,
daring to start writing herself one day.
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00:16:10,471 --> 00:16:12,390
I remember this office,
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with some whispering
about how I sucked, but was funny.
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00:16:15,911 --> 00:16:20,430
At that time, it was extraordinary.
This was the '50s.
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00:16:20,591 --> 00:16:24,070
We ate in the canteen,
all jostling to sit next to Camus.
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00:16:24,231 --> 00:16:28,550
I knew Genet,
who made a great mark on my life.
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00:16:28,951 --> 00:16:31,510
I knew Marguerite Duras,
Violette Leduc.
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00:16:31,671 --> 00:16:33,830
It was a great, great time.
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00:16:33,991 --> 00:16:36,150
Carole Achache,
now a photographer,
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began writing about her family
and its secrets in 2008,
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with "La plage de Trouville"
through the story
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00:16:43,111 --> 00:16:47,190
of her grandmother's painting,
stolen by Nazis during the Occupation.
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00:16:47,351 --> 00:16:50,270
She is now publishing with Stock
"Fille de",
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a novel that tenderly
and violently describes her mother
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and the life she had with her.
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00:16:55,751 --> 00:17:00,950
An incredibly lucky life spent mixing
with artists, intellectuals and writers.
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00:17:01,111 --> 00:17:05,830
An unfortunate life in which she
could not just be a protected child,
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listened to, consoled.
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00:17:07,871 --> 00:17:09,870
A life in which
a strange silence settled
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00:17:10,031 --> 00:17:14,430
in the midst of the incessant,
excitable chatter of brilliant adults.
99
00:17:23,671 --> 00:17:28,830
At the same time, I'd like to transpose
this kind of... great moment.
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00:17:28,991 --> 00:17:30,950
- Yes.
- Great.
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00:17:31,111 --> 00:17:32,550
- Yes.
- Of this...
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00:17:32,711 --> 00:17:36,390
Yes, there's the whole personal aspect
that's fascinating and...
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00:17:36,551 --> 00:17:39,390
- Sad.
- Yes, sad and fascinating.
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00:17:39,551 --> 00:17:42,110
- Yes.
- For a reader, it's fascinating.
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00:17:42,591 --> 00:17:45,230
My mother is an
incredible character, though.
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00:17:47,151 --> 00:17:51,470
Listen, the credits,
if it were a film.
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00:17:51,511 --> 00:17:56,630
Well, at times it's a film,
but let's forget about cinema.
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00:17:56,791 --> 00:18:00,310
This book's credits are incredible.
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00:18:01,751 --> 00:18:05,030
In this manuscript we have,
in order of appearance,
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Monique Lange,
Dyonis Mascolo, Jean Genet...
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00:18:12,511 --> 00:18:15,910
Of course, we should not
rule out the possibility
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that I have a particular soft spot
for the book
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00:18:19,751 --> 00:18:22,710
due to the kind image you paint of me.
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00:18:23,431 --> 00:18:27,230
Growing up where you did,
having a mother like yours,
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was already somewhat lucky.
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00:18:29,871 --> 00:18:33,110
And what luck!
These were the '50s in Paris.
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00:18:33,271 --> 00:18:36,550
What Monique Lange was
on the right bank,
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Marguerite Duras, whom she
knew very well, was on the left bank.
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00:18:40,751 --> 00:18:43,110
We were 25.
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00:18:44,351 --> 00:18:46,630
This was Saint-Germain-des-Prés.
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00:18:46,791 --> 00:18:51,430
That's where everything that turned out
to be decisive happened
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00:18:52,911 --> 00:18:56,670
in our youth, in our feelings,
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00:18:57,511 --> 00:19:00,630
in our beliefs, in our madness.
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00:19:02,231 --> 00:19:05,350
We had become mad
about communism.
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00:19:05,511 --> 00:19:09,910
We'd say people had the right
to decide what their struggle was.
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00:19:10,551 --> 00:19:13,870
As usual, we didn't write about it.
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00:19:14,871 --> 00:19:16,870
But no one writes about happiness.
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That's how she was at that time,
Carole Achache,
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00:19:29,871 --> 00:19:35,710
politics, literature, discussions,
the night drinking and smoking.
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00:19:35,871 --> 00:19:39,910
And in the middle of that,
the kids sort of had to manage.
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00:19:40,071 --> 00:19:45,630
Yes, and it was obvious
that my mother and Duras,
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they really wanted us to benefit
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00:19:49,231 --> 00:19:53,310
from this kind of happiness,
as Duras calls it,
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00:19:53,471 --> 00:19:57,110
from this kind of passion.
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00:19:57,271 --> 00:20:01,870
And then, you also have to think
that when the war was ending,
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in this environment,
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00:20:03,831 --> 00:20:09,990
there was this desire for freedom
that was crazy and necessary.
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00:20:10,151 --> 00:20:15,950
That is to say that many, many people
violently turned their backs
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00:20:16,111 --> 00:20:19,830
on the war, and they went for it.
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00:20:19,991 --> 00:20:25,510
I think that they were far freer
than we were in 1968...
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00:20:25,671 --> 00:20:29,150
This is the hardest thing
I've ever done.
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00:20:34,151 --> 00:20:37,390
And... There we go. But...
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00:20:37,551 --> 00:20:41,430
Crazy and necessary.
Okay. We're good.
144
00:20:41,591 --> 00:20:46,870
I think that they were far freer
than we were in 1968,
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00:20:47,031 --> 00:20:48,710
they were far braver.
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00:20:48,871 --> 00:20:52,710
And the kids, well,
we had to benefit from all that.
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00:20:52,871 --> 00:20:56,750
But you also had to adapt,
which, for a child, means
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00:20:56,911 --> 00:21:02,230
not having a childhood, having
kind of an adult life at a young age.
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00:21:02,391 --> 00:21:03,870
I couldn't have known.
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00:21:04,031 --> 00:21:06,950
I didn't know
what another child's life was like.
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00:21:07,111 --> 00:21:09,950
That's how it is,
and it's true, I was very lucky
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00:21:10,111 --> 00:21:12,430
because it's still great nourishment.
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00:21:12,591 --> 00:21:16,750
So, we can't really consider
early knowledge
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00:21:16,911 --> 00:21:19,030
to be something harmful.
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00:21:19,791 --> 00:21:26,270
But basically, there wasn't really
any playing at home.
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00:21:26,431 --> 00:21:29,670
And then also, you had to face,
at a very young age,
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00:21:29,831 --> 00:21:33,030
something now quite commonplace;
your father leaving.
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00:21:38,911 --> 00:21:41,990
I'm full of good advice here,
informed like no one else,
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00:21:42,151 --> 00:21:44,870
and embarrassed
to have to write you this letter.
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00:21:45,711 --> 00:21:47,990
Please destroy it once you've read it.
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00:21:50,591 --> 00:21:53,950
Increasingly obsessed with
what you know, I didn't hold back
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00:21:54,111 --> 00:21:57,070
when talking to a doctor
I hold in high esteem.
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00:21:57,231 --> 00:21:59,830
Don't be mad,
I'm in turmoil with all this.
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00:22:00,871 --> 00:22:02,796
Number one,
why wait two months?
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00:22:02,846 --> 00:22:05,990
You know you can't hide
what's inside you for long.
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00:22:06,751 --> 00:22:09,630
Number two, there are ways
to avoid Switzerland.
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00:22:09,791 --> 00:22:12,950
If you were here,
this could be sorted out easily.
168
00:22:13,591 --> 00:22:18,310
But you, alone, so far from me, I'm
feeling more and more like we're kids.
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00:22:18,471 --> 00:22:20,390
If you could see my face!
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00:22:21,711 --> 00:22:23,830
A, you come to Alsace
to be near me.
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00:22:23,991 --> 00:22:26,350
I'll be reassured. We'll figure it out.
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00:22:26,511 --> 00:22:30,870
B, if you think you can do it, you'll
use the technique recommended to me.
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00:22:31,031 --> 00:22:34,310
I think it's essential
to avoid surgical intervention
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00:22:34,471 --> 00:22:37,310
which, even in Switzerland,
scares me.
175
00:22:38,551 --> 00:22:43,470
If someone can give you the injections,
they're apparently highly effective.
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00:22:43,911 --> 00:22:46,710
Meanwhile, walking, running,
not lying down, etc.
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00:22:46,871 --> 00:22:49,190
until the moment in which... etc.
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00:22:49,351 --> 00:22:51,830
It's called Benzoginestril Number 5.
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00:22:51,991 --> 00:22:54,950
Two vials in a syringe per day
for four days
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00:22:55,111 --> 00:22:58,870
injected into the buttock muscle,
four injections of two vials.
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00:22:59,031 --> 00:23:02,950
On the ninth day, it should come.
If it's insufficient, start again.
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00:23:03,111 --> 00:23:06,326
If all goes well,
you won't need a curettage.
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00:23:06,376 --> 00:23:07,750
That's it. Decide.
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00:23:09,071 --> 00:23:12,230
My poor darling,
I am upset, disgusted, humiliated.
185
00:23:12,391 --> 00:23:16,270
Forgive me, I am panicked.
Reply soon.
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00:23:17,271 --> 00:23:19,470
I'd like us to have a calm month,
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00:23:19,631 --> 00:23:22,750
in which I make amends to you
for this letter.
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00:23:22,911 --> 00:23:24,190
Jean-Jacques.
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00:23:25,591 --> 00:23:27,030
Destroy this letter.
190
00:23:27,631 --> 00:23:30,590
C, how long have you been waiting
for your latest... season?
191
00:23:30,751 --> 00:23:31,870
CAROLE'S BIRTH
192
00:23:32,031 --> 00:23:35,030
D, I love you.
193
00:23:37,191 --> 00:23:40,390
The surrogate father was a Spaniard.
194
00:23:40,551 --> 00:23:42,910
His name was Juan Goytisolo.
195
00:23:43,071 --> 00:23:46,230
He was a Spanish anti-Franco refugee,
196
00:23:46,391 --> 00:23:48,830
very engaged politically,
a writer.
197
00:24:00,111 --> 00:24:04,150
ALL THE MEN WHO MADE A MARK ON
MY MOTHER'S LIFE WERE NAMED JEAN.
198
00:24:04,311 --> 00:24:06,150
Want me to remind you?
199
00:24:10,111 --> 00:24:12,110
It's the story of a young girl,
200
00:24:12,271 --> 00:24:16,150
who's desperately in love
with a man who doesn't love her.
201
00:24:16,311 --> 00:24:18,910
Only at the end of the book
does she discover
202
00:24:19,071 --> 00:24:22,390
that the reason he doesn't love her
is because he's gay.
203
00:24:23,991 --> 00:24:27,630
It's been almost a year
since I started visiting the Arabs.
204
00:24:28,271 --> 00:24:31,710
It took me
a few weeks to face facts.
205
00:24:31,871 --> 00:24:35,230
I found my balance again
and grew closer to you.
206
00:24:36,711 --> 00:24:41,190
But I also discovered
that I am totally, definitively,
207
00:24:41,351 --> 00:24:43,550
and irreparably gay.
208
00:24:45,071 --> 00:24:49,550
You'll have noticed that since that date
our relations have improved.
209
00:24:51,031 --> 00:24:55,110
Although in a different way,
I began to love you more than before
210
00:24:55,271 --> 00:24:59,430
and I've reached a kind of happiness
that I've never known before.
211
00:24:59,871 --> 00:25:01,870
I felt relaxed,
212
00:25:02,311 --> 00:25:07,470
happy to share my life with you,
and to have you and Carole beside me.
213
00:25:09,471 --> 00:25:11,590
JUAN COMES HOME DRUNK
AFTER SCREWING A GUY TWICE
214
00:25:11,751 --> 00:25:14,230
I am currently at an impasse.
215
00:25:14,391 --> 00:25:17,710
I can no longer offer you anything,
promise you anything,
216
00:25:17,871 --> 00:25:21,430
I dread your reaction,
and secretly also desire it.
217
00:25:21,591 --> 00:25:23,550
JUAN SLEPT WITH AN IDIOT ARAB.
218
00:25:23,711 --> 00:25:25,910
JUAN HAD A QUICKIE WITH AN ALGERIAN.
219
00:25:26,071 --> 00:25:27,590
JUAN SLEPT WITH A TURK.
220
00:25:27,751 --> 00:25:32,190
I know I'm destroying my happiness,
which is so strong, to be around you.
221
00:25:32,351 --> 00:25:34,550
JUAN SLEEPS IN HIS OWN ROOM.
222
00:25:34,711 --> 00:25:36,990
I'm scared to live without you.
223
00:25:37,311 --> 00:25:42,590
There's your face, your capacity
for love, your eyes, your tenderness.
224
00:25:43,431 --> 00:25:45,990
I've never been this close to anyone.
225
00:25:46,151 --> 00:25:50,590
I have never gone as far in love
as I have with you.
226
00:25:53,871 --> 00:25:55,486
From now on,
227
00:25:55,536 --> 00:26:00,430
the success of our relationship
depended on our desire to stay together.
228
00:26:00,591 --> 00:26:04,070
The illusion of facing a normal
relationship was shipwrecked
229
00:26:04,231 --> 00:26:08,150
and we had to face the challenges
to create something new.
230
00:26:08,311 --> 00:26:12,510
But would the love, the understanding,
the mutual respect that we had
231
00:26:12,671 --> 00:26:16,830
be enough to maintain the strength
of the bonds we considered primordial?
232
00:26:16,991 --> 00:26:22,390
WHEN THEY SAY I WRITE FICTION,
I THINK OF AFFLICTION
233
00:26:22,551 --> 00:26:27,950
WHAT TO MAKE UP WHEN EVERYTHING
THAT MAKES ME DESPAIR IS ALIVE?
234
00:26:28,111 --> 00:26:33,390
My only question is why?
What's with my mother and gays?
235
00:26:33,551 --> 00:26:36,590
You? Genet? And Juan!
236
00:26:36,751 --> 00:26:40,670
I don't know where her taste
for gays come from.
237
00:26:40,831 --> 00:26:42,230
It's inexplicable.
238
00:26:43,151 --> 00:26:45,870
Unless it's extreme masochism.
239
00:26:46,511 --> 00:26:49,150
No, but she's a very moving person.
240
00:26:50,831 --> 00:26:52,790
I think she had a difficult life.
241
00:26:52,951 --> 00:26:58,030
Fortunately,
she had some kind of fantasy.
242
00:26:59,471 --> 00:27:02,630
But no, she's someone
who had a hard life.
243
00:27:03,471 --> 00:27:06,470
She was tragic.
244
00:27:06,631 --> 00:27:09,150
Yes, that's what I'm saying.
245
00:27:10,951 --> 00:27:16,030
But I think that, deep down,
she was very happy at Gallimard
246
00:27:16,191 --> 00:27:18,790
because she was placed there,
247
00:27:18,951 --> 00:27:21,430
alongside people who were entirely...
248
00:27:23,191 --> 00:27:24,950
more than tragic.
249
00:27:25,631 --> 00:27:29,830
And basically,
she was in the right environment.
250
00:27:29,991 --> 00:27:32,470
She wasn't isolated.
251
00:27:32,631 --> 00:27:34,070
Yeah.
252
00:27:38,431 --> 00:27:40,270
I'm going to read it again.
253
00:27:50,991 --> 00:27:53,190
She says she was frigid...
254
00:27:53,351 --> 00:27:54,990
Before my father.
255
00:28:04,751 --> 00:28:08,870
And then, she was soon cheated on.
256
00:28:09,871 --> 00:28:14,630
And this is a text
that she wrote after her operation.
257
00:28:14,791 --> 00:28:18,630
I finally understood,
not the condition that she had...
258
00:28:18,791 --> 00:28:21,150
...but that they had removed her uterus.
259
00:28:22,871 --> 00:28:26,390
So, I asked a doctor
260
00:28:26,551 --> 00:28:31,030
because the name she gave
was incoherent.
261
00:28:31,911 --> 00:28:37,030
"No, no, no.
It was a kind of necrobiosis."
262
00:28:39,431 --> 00:28:42,430
And the text is terrible
because she says,
263
00:28:42,591 --> 00:28:45,790
"I ended up losing my uterus..."
264
00:28:45,951 --> 00:28:48,270
"I ended up losing my uterus,
265
00:28:48,431 --> 00:28:54,390
even if it isn't a sex organ
because I didn't use it."
266
00:28:55,711 --> 00:28:59,070
"And it took me a week to recover."
267
00:28:59,231 --> 00:29:02,430
"Thank God I had Juan..."
268
00:29:03,191 --> 00:29:08,390
"And it so closely resembled..."
269
00:29:08,551 --> 00:29:11,870
"...this bodily suicide..."
270
00:29:12,031 --> 00:29:13,110
Yes, absolutely.
271
00:29:13,271 --> 00:29:14,430
...that she had.
272
00:29:14,591 --> 00:29:19,350
Listen, I always got the impression
there was something unresolved.
273
00:29:19,511 --> 00:29:20,990
It's incredible.
274
00:29:22,911 --> 00:29:25,910
FLO SAYS I USED TO HAVE A CRAZY VITALITY.
I'M CALMER NOW.
275
00:29:26,071 --> 00:29:29,670
SHE TELLS ME TO RENOUNCE MY SEXUALITY
WHEN CAROLE HAS ONE.
276
00:29:29,831 --> 00:29:31,990
IT'S A REAL FEELING OF GUILT...
277
00:29:32,151 --> 00:29:36,030
There are letters from my adolescence
that she had transcribed.
278
00:29:36,191 --> 00:29:40,110
- That means she went through my things.
- I don't like that.
279
00:29:40,271 --> 00:29:43,830
No, but it's sexuality by proxy.
280
00:29:43,991 --> 00:29:48,990
But the more we think about,
I don't know, Monique's trajectory,
281
00:29:49,151 --> 00:29:51,110
the more we're obliged to think
282
00:29:51,271 --> 00:29:56,550
her sexuality had an awful importance,
awful consequences...
283
00:29:56,711 --> 00:29:58,630
Especially with me.
284
00:29:58,791 --> 00:30:02,590
- I mean, this kind of fusional being...
- Totally.
285
00:30:47,711 --> 00:30:49,870
She thinks I'm great. I can tell.
286
00:30:50,031 --> 00:30:52,764
My mother's eyes
show this passion for me,
287
00:30:52,814 --> 00:30:55,350
no matter what day,
what second it is.
288
00:30:55,511 --> 00:30:58,870
Even from behind,
when I walk in front, it's an acid burn.
289
00:30:59,031 --> 00:31:04,350
On Rue Montorgeuil, on Sundays,
she sells L'Humanité paper to passers-by.
290
00:31:04,511 --> 00:31:07,590
I sit next to her
on the steps to a building,
291
00:31:07,751 --> 00:31:10,990
and receive her happiness
like a shower of glitter.
292
00:31:11,151 --> 00:31:13,830
She's crazy about me. I'm drunk.
293
00:31:13,991 --> 00:31:17,870
During big dinners, on Rue Poissonnière,
all squeezed in tight,
294
00:31:18,031 --> 00:31:21,990
I always feel my mother's gaze
on me intermittently
295
00:31:22,151 --> 00:31:23,870
across the table.
296
00:31:24,031 --> 00:31:26,630
I can tell she's proud
without even looking.
297
00:31:26,791 --> 00:31:29,590
My seriousness, my gravity,
298
00:31:29,751 --> 00:31:32,790
my mother's smile,
and her happiness again.
299
00:31:32,951 --> 00:31:34,670
I am exceptional.
300
00:31:36,671 --> 00:31:38,590
One Thursday, my mother notes,
301
00:31:38,751 --> 00:31:41,070
"Definition of depression by Carole."
302
00:31:41,231 --> 00:31:43,910
"Sadness that's long-lasting
if not overcome."
303
00:31:46,191 --> 00:31:51,910
CAROLE TELLS ME ABOUT A REFLECTION
AROUND HER EDUCATION
304
00:31:52,071 --> 00:31:57,310
"HER STORY IS THAT OF DESTRUCTURED
CHILDHOOD AND HELLO MASOCHISM."
305
00:31:57,471 --> 00:32:01,350
THAT GENET WAS PERVERSE
306
00:32:01,511 --> 00:32:08,110
AND SHE'S NOW DECIDED
NOT TO TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE.
307
00:32:08,951 --> 00:32:13,790
What gave me a little freshness,
308
00:32:13,951 --> 00:32:17,230
was the insecurity.
309
00:32:30,871 --> 00:32:33,710
Genet's inviting me to lunch
near his hotel.
310
00:32:33,871 --> 00:32:36,150
I'm proud. So is Monique.
311
00:32:37,151 --> 00:32:39,590
She's so happy
that he's interested in me.
312
00:32:39,751 --> 00:32:44,230
We're the two people she loves
most in the world, more than Juan even.
313
00:32:44,871 --> 00:32:48,110
Seeing Genet's the best thing
that could happen to me.
314
00:32:48,271 --> 00:32:51,550
I can only benefit from his originality.
315
00:32:52,111 --> 00:32:56,110
She thinks it's wonderful.
That it's an incredible chance.
316
00:32:56,711 --> 00:33:00,350
And it's true. I feel like
he enjoys discovering me.
317
00:33:00,791 --> 00:33:02,030
He laughs with me.
318
00:33:02,671 --> 00:33:05,110
He makes me think in an unusual way.
319
00:33:05,271 --> 00:33:09,670
He helps me to confirm my revolt
and not be like others.
320
00:33:10,991 --> 00:33:12,830
He's happy in my presence.
321
00:33:12,991 --> 00:33:15,110
I have gifts that Monique doesn't.
322
00:33:15,271 --> 00:33:19,030
I give him back his taste for life.
I'm much funnier than her.
323
00:33:19,871 --> 00:33:23,230
There are moments in which
he is as childish as I am.
324
00:33:23,391 --> 00:33:27,830
We're capable of flipping the menu
outside a restaurant
325
00:33:27,991 --> 00:33:32,310
or emptying a saltshaker into a vase.
326
00:33:33,071 --> 00:33:36,510
I even had a fling
with his lover at the time, Jacky.
327
00:33:36,671 --> 00:33:39,230
I stop by Genet's before leaving.
328
00:33:39,391 --> 00:33:41,030
He still hasn't moved.
329
00:33:41,191 --> 00:33:43,630
He's sat on the bed smoking.
330
00:33:43,791 --> 00:33:48,430
I go to sip water from the tap
in the bathroom just behind him.
331
00:33:48,591 --> 00:33:51,470
I don't put the light on
and leave the door open.
332
00:33:51,631 --> 00:33:53,990
I get stabbed in the back.
333
00:33:55,031 --> 00:33:58,950
"According to Jacky,
you suck at giving head, and you bite."
334
00:33:59,111 --> 00:34:00,870
"I get myself off better."
335
00:34:02,311 --> 00:34:06,230
Sat on the bed, cigar in hand,
wearing striped pyjamas,
336
00:34:06,391 --> 00:34:09,630
he tells me
that I could never give him a hard-on.
337
00:34:09,791 --> 00:34:13,310
I can. I'm sure of it.
338
00:34:14,271 --> 00:34:18,270
He doesn't give up. "Yes. Go on, try."
339
00:34:19,031 --> 00:34:20,550
He gets up,
340
00:34:20,711 --> 00:34:24,110
and remains standing,
exquisitely frozen.
341
00:34:24,791 --> 00:34:28,510
I touch his balls through his trousers.
342
00:34:29,191 --> 00:34:32,710
"See? I was right.
No woman can do it for me."
343
00:34:32,871 --> 00:34:36,550
- Are you Monique's only child?
- Yes.
344
00:34:36,711 --> 00:34:38,830
- That's incredible.
- Why?
345
00:34:38,991 --> 00:34:42,630
No, because when you have an only child,
I don't know, you...
346
00:34:42,791 --> 00:34:47,750
It's rare to establish
relationships like that. Odd.
347
00:34:48,671 --> 00:34:52,750
Why odd? There were two people
in the world that she adored
348
00:34:52,911 --> 00:34:55,510
more than anything,
me and Jean.
349
00:34:55,871 --> 00:34:56,670
Right.
350
00:34:57,031 --> 00:34:58,390
So, for her,
351
00:34:58,551 --> 00:35:03,190
that I could be "chosen" by Jean,
352
00:35:03,351 --> 00:35:05,030
because when I was 11.
353
00:35:05,191 --> 00:35:08,630
I'd skip class
to go to his hotel and chat.
354
00:35:08,791 --> 00:35:10,510
It's true that...
355
00:35:12,991 --> 00:35:16,590
I was somewhat lucky
to have great discussions with him
356
00:35:16,751 --> 00:35:18,950
He soon started playing with me.
357
00:35:19,111 --> 00:35:23,030
He challenged me.
"You can't do that."
358
00:35:23,511 --> 00:35:26,750
And so, a little kid
with a bit of a soft brain...
359
00:35:27,831 --> 00:35:29,790
is easily manipulated.
360
00:35:32,071 --> 00:35:36,350
I've not managed to decipher everything
from the letters you sent my mom.
361
00:35:36,511 --> 00:35:39,870
- You have terrible handwriting.
- Thank you!
362
00:35:42,031 --> 00:35:47,910
But you warned my mother
on several occasions
363
00:35:48,711 --> 00:35:50,590
that Genet was dangerous.
364
00:35:51,951 --> 00:35:54,550
No, but he was crazy.
He was nuts.
365
00:35:54,711 --> 00:35:56,110
A pervert.
366
00:35:57,911 --> 00:36:01,190
Did you know that he hurt me?
Genet hurt me.
367
00:36:01,351 --> 00:36:03,110
- Really?
- Yeah.
368
00:36:03,271 --> 00:36:05,910
That's why
I'm asking you these questions.
369
00:36:08,911 --> 00:36:12,190
But unfortunately,
he's someone I don't know.
370
00:36:12,351 --> 00:36:14,190
Your mother was
371
00:36:16,231 --> 00:36:19,110
- taken in by him.
- Yeah.
372
00:36:19,271 --> 00:36:23,870
But the more she was hurt,
the more she loved people.
373
00:36:24,031 --> 00:36:25,670
So, what can you do?
374
00:36:25,831 --> 00:36:29,150
She got more than she bargained for
with Genet.
375
00:36:29,311 --> 00:36:30,950
That's an understatement.
376
00:36:34,911 --> 00:36:37,550
- And...
- She sacrificed herself.
377
00:36:37,711 --> 00:36:39,270
She sacrificed herself.
378
00:36:39,431 --> 00:36:40,910
She loved it.
379
00:36:41,831 --> 00:36:43,950
All the people she knew,
380
00:36:44,111 --> 00:36:46,950
it was the chance
to sacrifice herself for them.
381
00:36:47,471 --> 00:36:49,150
To be their victim.
382
00:36:50,071 --> 00:36:53,190
Not that people abuse,
383
00:36:53,351 --> 00:36:57,830
but she offered herself as a victim,
and so we took advantage of that.
384
00:36:57,991 --> 00:37:01,710
Yeah. She was submissive
to the people she loved.
385
00:37:01,871 --> 00:37:02,990
Totally.
386
00:37:03,351 --> 00:37:07,670
And so, it was great.
387
00:37:07,831 --> 00:37:11,110
WE TALKED EVERYTHING OVER.
388
00:37:11,271 --> 00:37:14,870
I'M WORRIED HE'S GETTING BORED
AND THINKS I'M STUPID.
389
00:37:23,751 --> 00:37:29,590
JEAN: IS YOUR DAUGHTER STILL
SUCH A STUPID BITCH?
390
00:37:32,111 --> 00:37:37,550
That's the ambiguity of Genet,
that is that he has...
391
00:37:38,391 --> 00:37:43,670
he's this brilliant person
but at the same time very childish.
392
00:37:43,831 --> 00:37:46,910
His round face,
his fits of laughter.
393
00:37:47,071 --> 00:37:50,590
So, yes, he hated women.
394
00:37:50,751 --> 00:37:54,710
So, when I saw him a lot,
I was quite young.
395
00:37:54,871 --> 00:37:58,270
I was 11, 12,
so I was still androgynous.
396
00:37:58,431 --> 00:38:00,270
I think he also really liked me
397
00:38:00,431 --> 00:38:03,510
because I was a bit dark,
a bit Arabic looking.
398
00:38:03,671 --> 00:38:06,910
And maybe that reminded him
of Abdallah,
399
00:38:07,071 --> 00:38:10,630
the tightrope walker,
who had committed suicide by then.
400
00:38:28,471 --> 00:38:31,470
But Abdallah is such
an intimate part of my life
401
00:38:31,631 --> 00:38:34,910
that I'd prefer not to talk about him
on camera.
402
00:38:37,751 --> 00:38:39,750
I would never forget Abdallah,
403
00:38:40,191 --> 00:38:43,910
the tightrope walker I loved
and wanted to marry when I was ten.
404
00:38:44,711 --> 00:38:48,030
Abdallah fell from the top of the rope,
without a harness.
405
00:38:48,191 --> 00:38:51,430
Shortly after he got back up,
perhaps too quickly,
406
00:38:52,351 --> 00:38:55,670
to repeat an act in front of Genet,
407
00:38:55,831 --> 00:39:00,190
who, though sat down himself,
wanted him to go further and further.
408
00:39:00,551 --> 00:39:02,510
Another fall.
409
00:39:02,671 --> 00:39:04,550
Then the doctors' verdict.
410
00:39:04,711 --> 00:39:08,350
Abdallah could no longer take any risks
in his thousand-sequined costume
411
00:39:08,511 --> 00:39:11,150
under the big top of any circus.
412
00:39:12,551 --> 00:39:14,030
He had become banal.
413
00:39:14,871 --> 00:39:18,710
There's this word banal,
which is omnipresent with Genet.
414
00:39:20,071 --> 00:39:24,550
The whispers I could hear from the
adults around me implied a tragedy,
415
00:39:24,991 --> 00:39:27,670
like a chronicle announcing his suicide.
416
00:39:27,831 --> 00:39:29,670
Everyone was worried.
417
00:39:32,831 --> 00:39:34,910
And one day, he hanged himself.
418
00:39:46,111 --> 00:39:49,750
No, I don't want
to talk about my pain like that.
419
00:39:49,911 --> 00:39:52,430
- I'd like to make it part of a story.
- Yes.
420
00:39:52,591 --> 00:39:54,550
I am still the child
421
00:39:55,591 --> 00:39:59,870
of an intellectual world,
and I also wonder about that.
422
00:40:00,031 --> 00:40:03,470
How did they leave me like that? Why?
423
00:40:04,791 --> 00:40:06,430
That's where my pain lies.
424
00:40:07,551 --> 00:40:10,150
And under no circumstances
425
00:40:10,951 --> 00:40:15,510
do I bring you all into my story
426
00:40:15,671 --> 00:40:18,910
to condone anything.
427
00:40:19,071 --> 00:40:22,510
It's just because my question is
how could a kid like me,
428
00:40:22,671 --> 00:40:24,550
with such potential,
429
00:40:24,911 --> 00:40:28,630
have had behaviour
that was such a remarkable failure?
430
00:40:29,471 --> 00:40:32,910
I am regularly haunted
by what I have experienced.
431
00:40:33,951 --> 00:40:37,870
HOW COULD I NOW ADMIT THAT THE IDEA
OF SUICIDE CROSSES MY MIND?
432
00:40:38,031 --> 00:40:39,830
IT WOULD EMBARRASS THE PERSON
433
00:40:39,991 --> 00:40:43,350
AND MAKE THEM RESPONSIBLE
WHEN I POTENTIALLY DO IT.
434
00:40:44,511 --> 00:40:48,870
Jorge Semprún was also important
to the making of this book.
435
00:40:49,031 --> 00:40:53,070
You went to see him
to verify certain memories,
436
00:40:53,431 --> 00:40:57,110
and he looked at you,
or so it feels,
437
00:40:57,271 --> 00:41:02,550
with a kind of remorse,
saying that at one point you'd gone mad.
438
00:41:03,271 --> 00:41:04,350
Mad?
439
00:41:05,151 --> 00:41:07,790
- Not well.
- Why not?
440
00:41:07,951 --> 00:41:10,990
When he looks at you...
I said mad, it's not that,
441
00:41:11,151 --> 00:41:16,270
but we can tell that he remembers you
as a rebelling teenager,
442
00:41:16,431 --> 00:41:21,710
who had started doing crazy things,
443
00:41:21,871 --> 00:41:27,550
that is to say not worrying about having
any respect for yourself or your body.
444
00:41:27,711 --> 00:41:29,778
At the same time,
wanting freedom,
445
00:41:29,828 --> 00:41:32,510
to show you could be
away from your mother.
446
00:41:32,671 --> 00:41:36,150
But at the same time,
you were, Carole Achache,
447
00:41:36,311 --> 00:41:38,550
hurting yourself for a while.
448
00:41:39,991 --> 00:41:41,470
I had no choice.
449
00:41:49,871 --> 00:41:53,830
I'll begin my story from my 16th year.
450
00:41:53,991 --> 00:41:57,510
Before, I was sleepwalking,
I racked up a huge step count.
451
00:41:57,671 --> 00:42:02,390
And when it came to shaping my
personality, it was just a rough draft.
452
00:42:03,631 --> 00:42:06,550
I won't talk about my family,
my social origins,
453
00:42:06,711 --> 00:42:10,910
even if Mr Freud explained
how everything stems from there.
454
00:42:11,071 --> 00:42:14,790
But in fact, until May '68,
455
00:42:15,631 --> 00:42:18,350
my tribulations were entirely solitary,
456
00:42:18,511 --> 00:42:23,990
except for a few disparate encounters
I made just to fuck.
457
00:42:25,271 --> 00:42:28,190
And so, that notorious month of May
458
00:42:28,911 --> 00:42:33,990
brought me into the dream,
into reality,
459
00:42:34,151 --> 00:42:35,630
into my reality.
460
00:42:36,591 --> 00:42:40,350
That month of May,
a wonderful 16th birthday gift!
461
00:42:40,511 --> 00:42:44,550
It simply allowed me
not to disconnect from my revolt,
462
00:42:44,711 --> 00:42:47,830
because the outside world
had my colour.
463
00:42:48,831 --> 00:42:52,910
At that time, I expressed
my discomfort through politics.
464
00:42:54,111 --> 00:42:56,590
Thinking about it,
my activism was bogus.
465
00:42:56,751 --> 00:42:59,206
But I had managed
to find some theories,
466
00:42:59,256 --> 00:43:02,030
that perfectly
corresponded to my laziness.
467
00:43:02,191 --> 00:43:04,790
To do politics is
to not suffer the world.
468
00:43:04,951 --> 00:43:09,630
I'm almost sure I've always wanted
to do it my way because of that month.
469
00:43:09,791 --> 00:43:15,030
It's an authorisation that
society gave me from that day on.
470
00:43:15,631 --> 00:43:20,830
I am really happy and proud
to have experienced a time like that.
471
00:43:20,991 --> 00:43:25,430
I spent the next summer
flitting through anarchist groups.
472
00:43:25,991 --> 00:43:27,750
No way could I go back to college.
473
00:43:28,111 --> 00:43:31,910
I moved in with a guy
who was a year older than me.
474
00:43:32,071 --> 00:43:34,510
I wanted to live, but I didn't know how.
475
00:43:34,671 --> 00:43:38,230
My intellectual heritage didn't help
in that regard.
476
00:43:38,391 --> 00:43:42,390
I got by on only moral references,
without letting myself go.
477
00:43:43,071 --> 00:43:45,310
In a way, I came into life
478
00:43:45,471 --> 00:43:49,590
knowing a bit about what not to do,
but nothing about what to do.
479
00:43:49,751 --> 00:43:51,670
Everything was fixed in my mind.
480
00:43:51,831 --> 00:43:55,190
Everything crystallised
in a perfect ennui,
481
00:43:55,351 --> 00:43:57,150
in a strange sadness.
482
00:43:57,311 --> 00:43:59,030
I began blowing up
483
00:43:59,191 --> 00:44:02,230
because intuitively I could see
I was going nowhere.
484
00:44:09,431 --> 00:44:13,590
After a year of austerity,
I separated from this boy
485
00:44:13,751 --> 00:44:17,510
and encountered the world
of Parisian stoners.
486
00:44:17,671 --> 00:44:20,470
The simple fact
that I started getting high
487
00:44:20,631 --> 00:44:25,830
erased many of the intellectual limits
that I had set myself.
488
00:44:27,551 --> 00:44:29,910
These were people
whose only problem
489
00:44:30,071 --> 00:44:33,430
was being well
and, why not, happy in the same day.
490
00:44:33,991 --> 00:44:36,310
They opened up this free world to me.
491
00:44:36,471 --> 00:44:37,870
I was amazed.
492
00:44:38,031 --> 00:44:42,190
I wanted to join their circle,
become integrated, accepted.
493
00:44:44,511 --> 00:44:48,590
I wanted to prove I could have fun,
that I could be crazier than them.
494
00:44:48,751 --> 00:44:52,710
And this manifested itself
in shooting up heroin.
495
00:44:53,471 --> 00:44:57,830
Or by the money I gave them,
if they needed any.
496
00:44:58,631 --> 00:45:01,510
A couple I admired
couldn't pay their rent.
497
00:45:01,671 --> 00:45:05,990
The next day, by stealing and selling,
of course, some of Genet's scripts,
498
00:45:06,151 --> 00:45:08,310
I brought them 600 francs.
499
00:45:08,471 --> 00:45:09,590
Scam!
500
00:45:09,751 --> 00:45:12,350
My God, how that could thrill me.
501
00:45:12,511 --> 00:45:16,750
This word corresponded
to a way of reacting against society
502
00:45:16,911 --> 00:45:19,270
by living royally at its expense.
503
00:45:19,431 --> 00:45:23,630
Books of the Pleiades,
manuscripts, writers' letters,
504
00:45:23,791 --> 00:45:28,790
even a little drawing by Giacometti.
I exhausted the archival capital.
505
00:45:29,231 --> 00:45:32,870
I noticed that I had started
to relax physically.
506
00:45:34,431 --> 00:45:37,550
At the same time,
I absolutely wanted to be accepted.
507
00:45:37,711 --> 00:45:41,390
It's strange that I always have
this gratuitous guilt
508
00:45:41,551 --> 00:45:43,910
that can, at any time,
509
00:45:44,071 --> 00:45:47,230
make me feel rejected or watched.
510
00:45:48,471 --> 00:45:51,910
Having sex was the only way
for me to gain the upper hand.
511
00:45:52,071 --> 00:45:57,030
The number of times
I've resolved a situation by having sex.
512
00:45:58,391 --> 00:46:02,230
But I couldn't really get used
to vegging out.
513
00:46:02,391 --> 00:46:06,390
I forced myself to think like them
so I wouldn't be alone.
514
00:46:06,551 --> 00:46:08,910
I was taking a lot of acid at the time.
515
00:46:09,071 --> 00:46:11,110
I freaked out like crazy,
516
00:46:11,271 --> 00:46:16,270
but I thought I had to get past
this freaking out by taking some more,
517
00:46:16,431 --> 00:46:17,990
and then some more.
518
00:46:18,711 --> 00:46:22,230
And now, I had only one desire.
519
00:46:22,911 --> 00:46:27,230
To start making something of myself.
520
00:46:27,671 --> 00:46:29,510
And then, I met Jean.
521
00:46:31,231 --> 00:46:36,390
I liked him because he made me laugh.
I'd charmed him by cooking.
522
00:46:37,311 --> 00:46:40,910
I sold my latest manuscripts,
Genet, Violette Leduc,
523
00:46:41,071 --> 00:46:45,190
to catch a plane
that took us to New York.
524
00:46:45,351 --> 00:46:49,910
We totally did not expect
the freezing cold of this city.
525
00:46:50,071 --> 00:46:54,270
I was happy, it's true,
in the most modern country in the world.
526
00:46:54,431 --> 00:46:57,150
I was happy because I was right.
527
00:46:57,311 --> 00:46:59,150
This country would be mine.
528
00:47:07,871 --> 00:47:12,510
Two hours later,
my mood had completely changed.
529
00:47:13,351 --> 00:47:15,910
I was hungry. We were broke.
530
00:47:17,191 --> 00:47:19,710
And worst of all,
531
00:47:21,511 --> 00:47:26,950
I was starting to come down
from all the dope I'd taken.
532
00:47:57,151 --> 00:47:59,550
He lived in a nearby hotel.
533
00:48:00,871 --> 00:48:05,750
Around three or four in the morning,
this guy came back to bed.
534
00:48:06,031 --> 00:48:10,150
The moron wanted to fuck me,
when I was dead tired.
535
00:48:10,311 --> 00:48:14,350
And well, it was
ten times more tiring to refuse,
536
00:48:14,511 --> 00:48:17,550
to explain to him
that maybe tomorrow I'd be better,
537
00:48:17,711 --> 00:48:19,630
see things more clearly.
538
00:48:20,231 --> 00:48:24,670
It was better for me
to spread my legs while dozing off.
539
00:48:26,311 --> 00:48:30,350
The first sordid experience,
as soon as I'd arrived. Bam!
540
00:48:30,511 --> 00:48:34,630
We started selling anything valuable
left in our suitcases.
541
00:48:35,911 --> 00:48:41,070
I had a few sexual obligations
to our landlords, but it was cool.
542
00:48:41,991 --> 00:48:45,950
I wandered around New York every day.
It was amazing.
543
00:48:46,871 --> 00:48:52,590
I'd left Paris because I didn't manage
to achieve anything in that city.
544
00:48:52,751 --> 00:48:55,590
We think about things too much in Paris.
545
00:48:55,751 --> 00:48:59,630
I wanted a new world
in which I could build myself.
546
00:49:00,151 --> 00:49:03,750
I wasn't at all concerned
about financial issues.
547
00:49:03,911 --> 00:49:06,958
I'd go out every day
with $2 in my pocket.
548
00:49:07,008 --> 00:49:09,230
It was enough for my strolls.
549
00:49:10,591 --> 00:49:13,190
I was looking for encounters.
550
00:49:14,231 --> 00:49:16,630
I had hope in an underground
551
00:49:16,791 --> 00:49:19,630
that had been simmering
in the US for two years.
552
00:49:21,991 --> 00:49:26,190
My revolt has been,
and always will be, I hope,
553
00:49:26,951 --> 00:49:32,350
the fact that the world of work
makes people's daily lives sordid.
554
00:49:33,391 --> 00:49:35,110
But when it comes to work,
555
00:49:35,271 --> 00:49:38,230
there's nobody more sordid
than an American.
556
00:49:38,391 --> 00:49:42,150
I wasn't even looking out for myself.
557
00:49:42,311 --> 00:49:45,070
Looking for work
would've been shameful to me.
558
00:49:48,271 --> 00:49:52,070
Roselyne suggested
I get away from this sordidness
559
00:49:52,231 --> 00:49:54,230
and go and pig out.
560
00:49:55,471 --> 00:49:58,950
The owner of a French restaurant
invited us there.
561
00:49:59,111 --> 00:50:02,710
She warned me
he was a guy of little interest.
562
00:50:02,871 --> 00:50:05,190
He was a man in his fifties.
563
00:50:06,591 --> 00:50:09,750
Typical nouveau riche,
happy with himself.
564
00:50:11,071 --> 00:50:12,630
We went to his table.
565
00:50:13,351 --> 00:50:15,643
We had no interest
in the conversation.
566
00:50:15,693 --> 00:50:18,350
I was only thinking
of eating and drinking.
567
00:50:18,511 --> 00:50:21,750
It was Roselyne who took care
of the fair play side.
568
00:50:23,071 --> 00:50:27,750
A kind of numbness pervaded me
due to an excellent wine.
569
00:50:27,911 --> 00:50:32,390
I became lascivious,
oblivious to the outside.
570
00:50:33,271 --> 00:50:37,230
My body was warming up from
the calories it had long been lacking.
571
00:50:38,191 --> 00:50:40,430
The end of the meal was approaching.
572
00:50:40,591 --> 00:50:45,070
At one point in the conversation,
I was picking up on
573
00:50:45,911 --> 00:50:48,590
some "Why don't we head
to my studio?" chat.
574
00:50:48,751 --> 00:50:52,470
And that was addressed to me
from the boss.
575
00:50:54,031 --> 00:50:57,110
Basically, I was fine.
576
00:50:57,271 --> 00:51:00,950
For me, any experience
was to be taken.
577
00:51:01,111 --> 00:51:05,590
And I was a girl who, for
a very long time, could never say no.
578
00:51:05,751 --> 00:51:09,190
And the mixture of all the alcohol
579
00:51:09,351 --> 00:51:12,950
had made me rather indifferent
to my prejudices.
580
00:51:14,151 --> 00:51:18,150
The boss stood up
to work out the final details.
581
00:51:20,071 --> 00:51:24,630
At that point,
Roselyne told me something like,
582
00:51:24,791 --> 00:51:29,710
"Don't ask him for any money upfront.
He'll give you $20 at the end anyway."
583
00:51:30,791 --> 00:51:35,550
And that sentence disappeared
584
00:51:35,711 --> 00:51:37,350
in my woozy state.
585
00:51:37,911 --> 00:51:40,910
We went to the studio
opposite the restaurant.
586
00:51:41,711 --> 00:51:44,390
Things went completely normally,
587
00:51:44,551 --> 00:51:49,950
except there was no looking
for a romantic connection.
588
00:51:50,111 --> 00:51:51,710
But that didn't bother me
589
00:51:51,871 --> 00:51:54,950
since it was, unfortunately,
not the first time
590
00:51:55,111 --> 00:51:58,870
I'd fucked without making
a real human connection.
591
00:52:00,191 --> 00:52:02,230
Half an hour later, it was over.
592
00:52:02,391 --> 00:52:04,030
I know that I came.
593
00:52:05,511 --> 00:52:07,230
A quick wash, get dressed.
594
00:52:07,391 --> 00:52:10,950
And he did indeed give me $20.
595
00:52:12,591 --> 00:52:15,310
Roselyne thought that I had guts,
596
00:52:15,471 --> 00:52:19,270
that she'd found her first time
more difficult.
597
00:52:20,911 --> 00:52:23,430
The fog in my head persisted.
598
00:52:24,631 --> 00:52:28,230
We were walking in Manhattan.
The air was quite cool.
599
00:52:29,151 --> 00:52:31,550
And I was starting to unwind.
600
00:52:33,991 --> 00:52:36,550
She suggested we spend
the afternoon together
601
00:52:36,711 --> 00:52:40,630
as there was an unexpected opportunity
to earn $100 each.
602
00:52:40,791 --> 00:52:43,510
Two men on a business trip.
603
00:52:45,831 --> 00:52:51,070
And suddenly,
this lump rose in my throat.
604
00:52:51,991 --> 00:52:55,510
I was completely disgusted with myself.
605
00:52:57,151 --> 00:53:00,574
I realised that
I had sold myself morally.
606
00:53:00,624 --> 00:53:02,870
Physically, I didn't care.
607
00:53:03,031 --> 00:53:07,150
But all my theories, my rebellion
608
00:53:07,911 --> 00:53:11,710
were cancelled out
by what I'd just done.
609
00:53:12,631 --> 00:53:15,430
Selling myself wasn't the problem.
610
00:53:15,591 --> 00:53:18,950
But I had just sullied
611
00:53:19,111 --> 00:53:23,550
the one act
in which I thought I was free.
612
00:53:23,711 --> 00:53:29,310
I had just compromised myself
with this world that I hated.
613
00:53:30,351 --> 00:53:31,750
In just two hours,
614
00:53:32,551 --> 00:53:36,830
I had erased all of my violence,
all of my refusal.
615
00:53:38,271 --> 00:53:41,110
Jean told me
616
00:53:41,271 --> 00:53:45,390
that this was the price
we had to pay for our freedom,
617
00:53:45,551 --> 00:53:48,790
that the outlandish party side,
618
00:53:48,951 --> 00:53:53,550
the need for unlimited happiness,
came at a high cost.
619
00:53:54,071 --> 00:53:58,070
"The world is ugly, and life is hard."
That's what he says.
620
00:53:59,511 --> 00:54:04,790
And that ultimately,
it was a very short time to spend
621
00:54:04,951 --> 00:54:07,590
to allow you to live afterwards.
622
00:54:09,111 --> 00:54:10,830
I shouldn't dream.
623
00:54:10,991 --> 00:54:12,830
If we wanted
624
00:54:12,991 --> 00:54:17,310
to get something
out of this society to live well,
625
00:54:17,471 --> 00:54:19,350
it had to be done.
626
00:54:20,831 --> 00:54:22,350
That I have no illusions.
627
00:54:22,511 --> 00:54:26,830
It's a precondition
to being able to live freely.
628
00:54:31,231 --> 00:54:34,270
Effectively, I had no choice.
629
00:54:36,751 --> 00:54:42,070
I never asked myself
how I would manage financially.
630
00:54:42,231 --> 00:54:43,590
I let myself live.
631
00:54:43,751 --> 00:54:47,470
I also had this economic ease
thanks to my mother,
632
00:54:47,631 --> 00:54:49,870
who took care of all my needs.
633
00:54:53,071 --> 00:54:55,430
I was entering a strange reality,
634
00:54:56,151 --> 00:54:57,750
that of lies,
635
00:54:58,991 --> 00:55:03,670
of pure compromise and,
in a way, of deep disillusionment.
636
00:55:05,031 --> 00:55:10,270
And I went all the way.
I became a very good prostitute.
637
00:55:11,791 --> 00:55:13,230
The process was simple.
638
00:55:13,391 --> 00:55:17,630
Go into the best hotel, ask at
reception if Mr so-and-so was there,
639
00:55:17,791 --> 00:55:21,430
making a shitty face
when given an obviously negative answer,
640
00:55:21,591 --> 00:55:24,270
and finally waiting patiently
641
00:55:24,431 --> 00:55:29,550
in a chair with a clear view
of all the comings and goings.
642
00:55:32,991 --> 00:55:38,110
Within half an hour, I'd find someone.
643
00:55:41,511 --> 00:55:43,710
I experienced a real dichotomy.
644
00:55:43,871 --> 00:55:47,790
I had several lives,
and I was unable to reconcile them.
645
00:55:47,951 --> 00:55:49,390
But in the end,
646
00:55:50,671 --> 00:55:56,270
it was impossible for me
not to incorporate my life as a whore
647
00:55:57,351 --> 00:56:01,910
into my life
as the daughter of intellectuals.
648
00:56:04,351 --> 00:56:09,630
If I analyse
my attitude during those years,
649
00:56:13,751 --> 00:56:19,230
I can see that I was pursuing
a suicidal approach.
650
00:56:46,871 --> 00:56:51,990
I'M DOING THE TERRACE UP. PETUNIAS.
NO, CAROLE NOT WHORE LIKE JEAN SAYS.
651
00:56:56,271 --> 00:56:59,790
CAROLE TELLS US THERE'S NO POINT
SLEEPING AROUND TO BECOME AN ACTRESS
652
00:56:59,951 --> 00:57:02,790
WHEN YOU CAN MAKE MONEY
BY SLEEPING AROUND.
653
00:57:03,151 --> 00:57:05,430
I know some details,
but not if they're...
654
00:57:05,591 --> 00:57:06,710
Well?
655
00:57:06,871 --> 00:57:10,750
Well, I don't know,
it's what was said at the time.
656
00:57:10,911 --> 00:57:13,870
- I hesitate to tell you, maybe.
- No, no.
657
00:57:14,031 --> 00:57:16,950
That Genet pushed you
into working the streets.
658
00:57:17,551 --> 00:57:20,150
Oh, no. No.
659
00:57:20,311 --> 00:57:21,670
That's funny. Why...
660
00:57:21,831 --> 00:57:23,950
Someone told me at the time...
661
00:57:24,551 --> 00:57:26,630
I did it eventually.
662
00:57:27,551 --> 00:57:31,870
- Yes.
- But it's odd. It's unbelievable.
663
00:57:32,031 --> 00:57:34,122
I did do it, but later.
I think that...
664
00:57:34,172 --> 00:57:36,430
And Genet
had nothing to do with it?
665
00:57:36,591 --> 00:57:43,350
No, but he was complicit in my relationship
with Jacky starting at too young an age.
666
00:57:43,511 --> 00:57:45,230
- Really.
- Yes.
667
00:57:45,391 --> 00:57:51,390
My mother was also somewhat complicit
because I was only 11, 12, 13.
668
00:57:52,191 --> 00:57:55,390
So, in my opinion, that's premature.
669
00:57:55,551 --> 00:57:58,630
And... But this thing is funny.
670
00:57:58,791 --> 00:58:00,910
The noise was carrying, anyway.
671
00:58:02,231 --> 00:58:03,950
I prostituted myself.
672
00:58:05,591 --> 00:58:10,270
- Which isn't a great thing to do.
- No.
673
00:58:10,431 --> 00:58:12,470
- There we go.
- Yeah.
674
00:58:12,631 --> 00:58:15,910
But I really thought
that it was the work of Jean Genet.
675
00:58:16,071 --> 00:58:20,390
Listen, you wouldn't have done it
if Jean hadn't been around.
676
00:58:20,551 --> 00:58:22,590
Well, I don't know...
677
00:58:22,751 --> 00:58:24,430
I totally agree.
678
00:58:25,751 --> 00:58:28,830
Why are you saying that?
I totally agree, but it's...
679
00:58:28,991 --> 00:58:32,190
Because he had a taste
for challenging people,
680
00:58:32,351 --> 00:58:34,110
for challenging them,
681
00:58:34,271 --> 00:58:38,550
pushing them as far as he could
into their "contradictions",
682
00:58:38,711 --> 00:58:40,830
which were his fantasies.
683
00:58:41,511 --> 00:58:46,110
In this sense, he pushed Abdallah
to the extent he pushed him.
684
00:58:46,271 --> 00:58:48,070
He pushed Jacky.
685
00:58:48,231 --> 00:58:51,310
He broke people doing it,
throughout his life.
686
00:58:51,471 --> 00:58:53,917
He broke me
when I was a kid really.
687
00:58:53,967 --> 00:58:57,190
It's one of the reasons
I went off the rails.
688
00:58:57,351 --> 00:58:59,110
- Yes, of course.
- Right.
689
00:59:05,271 --> 00:59:07,990
Could my mother have been aware of it?
690
00:59:08,751 --> 00:59:12,070
That Genet would've put me...
I mean, it's serious.
691
00:59:13,231 --> 00:59:15,950
I don't know.
I can't say for sure really.
692
00:59:18,871 --> 00:59:22,710
No, it didn't happen directly,
but there were...
693
00:59:22,871 --> 00:59:29,710
by dint of highlighting
theft, delinquency, and all that.
694
00:59:29,871 --> 00:59:31,910
I didn't know what to do but that.
695
00:59:32,071 --> 00:59:35,230
- I know. He was a manipulator too.
- Totally.
696
00:59:36,191 --> 00:59:39,350
But why did my mother leave me
in his hands?
697
00:59:39,511 --> 00:59:43,670
It must've been her passion for Genet.
She would've agreed to anything.
698
00:59:43,831 --> 00:59:47,190
- Really, anything. It's crazy.
- Yeah.
699
00:59:48,671 --> 00:59:51,950
So, it's my ambivalence.
700
00:59:52,111 --> 00:59:56,710
It's the grudge I hold against Genet.
I mean, he's disgusting.
701
00:59:57,151 --> 00:59:59,630
- Yeah, that's for sure...
- Right.
702
00:59:59,791 --> 01:00:02,670
And at the same time,
I know that I had...
703
01:00:02,831 --> 01:00:07,230
that I may have a form of intelligence
that was shaped by Jean.
704
01:00:07,391 --> 01:00:09,870
- Yes.
- Yes, right.
705
01:00:10,031 --> 01:00:12,790
And it's true
that in the middle of all this,
706
01:00:13,951 --> 01:00:15,710
my mother plays an odd role.
707
01:00:15,871 --> 01:00:19,190
Yes, the mother-daughter relationship
in these cases is...
708
01:00:19,351 --> 01:00:21,990
Yes, this one's staggering.
709
01:00:22,151 --> 01:00:23,950
- Yeah.
- It is.
710
01:00:32,831 --> 01:00:35,590
"TO LIVE IS TO SURVIVE A DEAD CHILD."
JEAN GENET
711
01:00:35,751 --> 01:00:40,830
FINISH FLAGYL. START AMPHOCYCLINE.
LAMB WITH BEANS. I FART ALL NIGHT.
712
01:00:57,111 --> 01:00:58,950
I was not understood.
713
01:00:59,111 --> 01:01:02,070
They were writers,
male or female,
714
01:01:02,231 --> 01:01:05,390
I always put men before women
because I love them.
715
01:01:05,551 --> 01:01:07,590
That's how it is. It's carnal.
716
01:01:08,391 --> 01:01:12,310
They enter me.
I can feel them filling me.
717
01:01:12,471 --> 01:01:13,950
It doesn't last long.
718
01:01:14,471 --> 01:01:15,790
It last so little time
719
01:01:15,951 --> 01:01:19,390
that I haven't continued
getting filled up like that.
720
01:01:19,551 --> 01:01:22,150
It reminded me too much
of my emptiness.
721
01:01:30,111 --> 01:01:32,590
It's not hard for me
to tell myself right now
722
01:01:32,751 --> 01:01:36,110
that I'm an eternally incapable
piece of shit.
723
01:02:10,511 --> 01:02:13,830
Four, three, two, one.
724
01:02:14,151 --> 01:02:17,590
François Mitterrand's been elected
President of France.
725
01:02:28,671 --> 01:02:30,190
SILENCE = DEATH
726
01:02:52,671 --> 01:02:55,510
GENET ABOUT CAROLE THE OTHER DAY:
727
01:02:55,671 --> 01:02:59,830
SHE'S LIKE POLICE CARS,
SHE'S GOING UNDERCOVER
728
01:02:59,991 --> 01:03:02,390
Two, three...
729
01:03:07,551 --> 01:03:10,030
Happy birthday
730
01:03:13,311 --> 01:03:18,150
Happy birthday, dear Mona
731
01:03:18,311 --> 01:03:21,270
Happy birthday to you
732
01:03:24,511 --> 01:03:29,430
It's no coincidence that I stayed with
the father of my children for 30 years.
733
01:03:29,791 --> 01:03:32,790
Finding a balance
by tidying up my house,
734
01:03:32,951 --> 01:03:35,430
sweeping away so much dust.
735
01:03:35,831 --> 01:03:38,644
This need for
the outside to be organised,
736
01:03:38,694 --> 01:03:41,230
because I feel
so disfigured inside,
737
01:03:41,711 --> 01:03:46,630
referring to the severity in opposition
to anything I have experienced.
738
01:03:48,391 --> 01:03:53,630
Have I been too conformist in appearance
to compensate for my lack of references?
739
01:03:59,391 --> 01:04:04,190
Yes, one day, you caught your finger.
You really hurt yourself.
740
01:04:04,351 --> 01:04:06,150
You cried. Oops!
741
01:04:06,311 --> 01:04:09,590
Because you should just
pull a drawer out like this.
742
01:04:09,751 --> 01:04:12,990
Don't put your hands like this.
Take the handle.
743
01:04:14,511 --> 01:04:17,750
There you go. Well done! You got it.
744
01:04:17,911 --> 01:04:21,470
That's how you have to do it
so you won't hurt yourself.
745
01:04:24,471 --> 01:04:27,310
Do you think conformism
is a nasty disease?
746
01:04:28,351 --> 01:04:30,430
It's a miserable disease.
747
01:04:32,111 --> 01:04:34,350
Why is it a miserable disease?
748
01:04:34,511 --> 01:04:36,870
Because it prevents you from existing.
749
01:04:38,111 --> 01:04:41,230
People who are truly conformist
have not lived.
750
01:04:41,391 --> 01:04:45,470
Possessions make one conformist,
the accumulation of goods, of wealth.
751
01:04:45,631 --> 01:04:51,510
Throughout life, we get attached
to objects, memories, photos.
752
01:04:51,671 --> 01:04:54,510
It's not malicious.
You must be able to go without.
753
01:04:54,671 --> 01:04:58,830
- But you don't here. There are...
- Of course there are.
754
01:04:58,991 --> 01:05:02,430
- But the day there no longer is...
- It won't matter?
755
01:05:02,591 --> 01:05:06,110
There's a wonderful Cocteau quote
I used in one of my books,
756
01:05:06,271 --> 01:05:10,150
"What would you take
if your house were burning? The fire."
757
01:05:10,671 --> 01:05:12,590
- Nice.
- Very nice.
758
01:05:26,191 --> 01:05:28,510
I'll continue the comic book.
759
01:05:37,511 --> 01:05:41,230
My mother made a lot of noise
when drinking her morning tea.
760
01:05:42,951 --> 01:05:46,105
Oh, I thought we were
taking a quick break.
761
01:05:46,155 --> 01:05:47,190
No.
762
01:05:54,151 --> 01:05:57,830
She'd hold her sip in her mouth,
and then swallow.
763
01:06:19,351 --> 01:06:23,550
- I hated that noise.
- So, why recreate it?
764
01:06:30,791 --> 01:06:34,830
Happy birthday to you
765
01:07:07,391 --> 01:07:12,070
MONA HAS ECZEMA AGAIN.
766
01:07:12,231 --> 01:07:18,230
CAROLE: THAT'S HER PROBLEM.
767
01:07:18,391 --> 01:07:22,550
You often told me an anecdote
that you were strangely proud of.
768
01:07:25,191 --> 01:07:26,430
You were one.
769
01:07:27,351 --> 01:07:30,910
I laid you down on your changing table
to change your nappy.
770
01:07:32,271 --> 01:07:37,670
I confused the bottle of saline solution
with 90% alcohol and put it in your eyes.
771
01:07:37,831 --> 01:07:39,710
You started screaming.
772
01:07:39,871 --> 01:07:42,150
When I realised my mistake,
773
01:07:42,311 --> 01:07:45,950
I took the bottle of alcohol
and put some in my eyes too.
774
01:07:46,231 --> 01:07:48,550
To feel the same pain you did.
775
01:07:51,311 --> 01:07:53,470
Why this transmission of pain?
776
01:07:57,191 --> 01:08:00,870
You soon told me
that your mother had been gang raped
777
01:08:01,191 --> 01:08:04,510
during a bullfight
on the streets of Pamplona.
778
01:08:04,991 --> 01:08:07,390
This story is part of my childhood.
779
01:08:08,871 --> 01:08:12,950
From your mouth, Pamplona
sounded like a mythological tale.
780
01:08:14,391 --> 01:08:20,030
Just like Hera throwing Hephaestus
out of the window because of her ugliness,
781
01:08:20,191 --> 01:08:24,630
there was Penelope, who undid at night
what she had woven by day,
782
01:08:24,951 --> 01:08:28,190
and Momo, who was gang raped
783
01:08:28,351 --> 01:08:31,550
during a bullfight
on the streets of Pamplona.
784
01:08:34,111 --> 01:08:36,550
From a young age,
this singsongy word
785
01:08:36,711 --> 01:08:39,430
mixed with verbose images
of a bloodied bull,
786
01:08:39,591 --> 01:08:43,470
young boys assaulting my young
grandmother in Spanish alleyways,
787
01:08:43,631 --> 01:08:47,350
Left strange
and romantic impressions on me.
788
01:08:49,871 --> 01:08:53,750
The spectre of the abuse you suffered
hung over my childhood
789
01:08:53,911 --> 01:08:58,110
in a more insidious way,
so much so that I now realise
790
01:08:58,271 --> 01:09:01,550
I grew up with the unspoken idea
it would happen to me.
791
01:09:02,391 --> 01:09:04,270
That it always happened.
792
01:09:04,431 --> 01:09:08,110
And that it wasn't really a tragedy,
but an inevitability.
793
01:09:08,471 --> 01:09:10,430
An inevitable initiatory rite.
794
01:09:20,151 --> 01:09:23,150
From my childhood,
I've retained the happy memory
795
01:09:23,311 --> 01:09:27,550
of our stays in Juan's Marrakech house,
where he spends 50% of his time.
796
01:09:30,471 --> 01:09:33,430
At 13, I found out
about Juan's homosexuality
797
01:09:33,591 --> 01:09:37,270
and I better understood who Amir is.
Amir who I've known forever,
798
01:09:37,431 --> 01:09:41,070
who lives in the house
with his brother and his family.
799
01:09:41,231 --> 01:09:43,849
JUAN LIVES LIKE A SULTAN.
AMIR DREAM SLAVE.
800
01:09:43,899 --> 01:09:45,510
THE WOMEN PEEL AND SWEEP.
801
01:09:46,431 --> 01:09:49,390
In the heart of the medina,
this timeless happiness
802
01:09:49,551 --> 01:09:54,430
was inherent in Amir's servitude for
Juan and, by extension, for us.
803
01:09:55,591 --> 01:09:58,230
I TRIED TO EXPLAIN
MY MARRAKECH TORMENT TO JUAN.
804
01:09:58,391 --> 01:10:02,030
Obviously, I loved this Moroccan part
of my childhood.
805
01:10:03,271 --> 01:10:07,390
I loved my grandfather,
and vice versa.
806
01:10:11,351 --> 01:10:15,430
But at 14, during one
of our trips to Morocco,
807
01:10:16,551 --> 01:10:22,350
Amir started coming into my room
every night, and I was unable to say no.
808
01:10:29,391 --> 01:10:32,190
I tell you about it, you collapse
809
01:10:32,991 --> 01:10:35,990
and tell me that you knew
it would happen to me,
810
01:10:36,151 --> 01:10:38,310
that it had happened to you too.
811
01:10:39,991 --> 01:10:42,230
As women are cursed in our family.
812
01:10:45,911 --> 01:10:50,070
Later, Juan chose the comfort of
maintaining his Moroccan life with Amir
813
01:10:50,231 --> 01:10:52,638
to the detriment
of my confessions,
814
01:10:52,688 --> 01:10:55,790
suggesting I envelop
myself in your silence.
815
01:10:55,951 --> 01:11:02,870
TRY NOW TO FORGET
816
01:11:03,031 --> 01:11:08,950
I don't forget and I cut ties with Juan
on behalf of those he maintains with Amir.
817
01:11:10,671 --> 01:11:15,190
But I soon discover you're reproducing
the ambiguities of your own mother.
818
01:11:15,351 --> 01:11:19,510
You're unable to sacrifice the privilege
of your relationship with Juan
819
01:11:19,671 --> 01:11:22,070
due to the abuse
your daughter suffered.
820
01:11:32,591 --> 01:11:35,396
Mona, you told Juan
some home truths,
821
01:11:35,446 --> 01:11:38,710
so you liberated
yourself somewhat, right?
822
01:11:39,711 --> 01:11:43,510
And haven't I, a former whore,
come a long way?
823
01:11:44,951 --> 01:11:47,446
You find my contact
with Juan despicable.
824
01:11:47,496 --> 01:11:49,990
As if I were denying
what happened to you.
825
01:11:50,151 --> 01:11:55,150
I told you that you shouldn't
confuse Amir with Juan.
826
01:11:56,031 --> 01:11:59,070
But actually, I was speechless again
827
01:11:59,231 --> 01:12:03,030
because Juan's attitude
towards you is zero.
828
01:12:04,231 --> 01:12:09,150
And I am in the middle,
in my eternal silence,
829
01:12:10,791 --> 01:12:15,670
having given all my strength
to structuring my children.
830
01:12:17,751 --> 01:12:20,870
And I am in the middle,
having had a past
831
01:12:21,031 --> 01:12:23,790
that all three of mine dismissed;
832
01:12:23,951 --> 01:12:27,350
my dad, my mom, and Juan.
833
01:12:28,471 --> 01:12:33,110
A sinister trinity
that prevented me from causing a ruckus.
834
01:12:33,271 --> 01:12:37,710
I'm the middle
and I am fed up with being nothing.
835
01:12:37,991 --> 01:12:39,790
A piece of shit in your eyes.
836
01:12:40,231 --> 01:12:44,070
A good-for-nothing
who collaborated with the enemy.
837
01:12:44,231 --> 01:12:48,230
And I'm in the middle,
having been subjected to events
838
01:12:48,391 --> 01:12:52,270
that I consider more serious
than those you've experienced.
839
01:12:52,551 --> 01:12:54,710
It is not a matter of competition,
840
01:12:55,711 --> 01:12:58,230
nor of lesser evil,
841
01:12:58,391 --> 01:13:02,750
but you are less alone than I was
when faced with three crazy people,
842
01:13:02,911 --> 01:13:05,430
Juan, my father and my mother.
843
01:13:21,671 --> 01:13:27,470
Why? Why did I not condemn them
as you do me?
844
01:13:27,631 --> 01:13:29,670
Why did they kill me?
845
01:13:31,831 --> 01:13:35,870
I am a ridiculous, grotesque person.
846
01:13:36,031 --> 01:13:38,430
I am an eternal piece of shit
847
01:13:38,591 --> 01:13:41,830
in the eyes of those
who are meant to be my parents,
848
01:13:41,991 --> 01:13:44,030
in the eyes of my daughter.
849
01:13:45,991 --> 01:13:50,190
You find me unworthy
for having collaborated with the enemy.
850
01:13:51,111 --> 01:13:56,670
For saying, during a dinner you attended,
that Juan was a good person.
851
01:13:56,831 --> 01:13:57,950
Yes,
852
01:13:59,511 --> 01:14:03,390
I do demonstrate ambivalence
and ambiguity.
853
01:14:05,271 --> 01:14:06,990
I really do think
854
01:14:08,071 --> 01:14:13,470
that Juan is both a good person
and a swine, as you say.
855
01:14:13,631 --> 01:14:15,390
I really do think
856
01:14:16,431 --> 01:14:20,350
that my mother is both a swine
and a good person,
857
01:14:20,511 --> 01:14:25,230
and that my father is both a swine
and a good person.
858
01:14:25,391 --> 01:14:30,550
And I am the fruit of this trinity,
859
01:14:32,311 --> 01:14:35,230
therefore a mistake.
860
01:14:38,191 --> 01:14:44,750
I cannot fix what Amir did to you.
861
01:14:46,231 --> 01:14:49,590
I cannot fix
862
01:14:49,751 --> 01:14:53,350
the resentment you are holding for me.
863
01:14:56,031 --> 01:14:57,990
And I am in the middle.
864
01:14:59,671 --> 01:15:04,030
I want to cut out my tongue
865
01:15:05,111 --> 01:15:07,710
to force myself to be silent,
866
01:15:09,911 --> 01:15:11,950
which would make me die,
867
01:15:12,671 --> 01:15:16,550
like a dehydrated flower.
868
01:15:41,911 --> 01:15:45,950
I've got you by the chin.
You've got me by the chin.
869
01:15:46,111 --> 01:15:49,550
The first to laugh
gets a tap on the shin!
870
01:16:16,711 --> 01:16:19,510
Ah no, I just remembered.
871
01:16:20,671 --> 01:16:23,750
You wanted...
Damn, I heard an indication.
872
01:16:23,911 --> 01:16:26,910
I don't know
if you gave it to me directly or...
873
01:16:28,991 --> 01:16:31,670
You wanted me
to do something special, right?
874
01:16:31,831 --> 01:16:34,070
Damn, no.
I was dreaming, forget it.
875
01:16:35,671 --> 01:16:36,990
Whatever!
876
01:16:41,591 --> 01:16:43,310
Yeah, the photos.
877
01:16:55,911 --> 01:16:58,150
- My mum and her mum.
- My grandma and her mum.
878
01:16:58,311 --> 01:17:01,310
- You and your mum.
- Your mum's mum and her mum.
879
01:17:01,471 --> 01:17:04,950
- Her mum's mum.
- Her mum's mum's mum.
880
01:17:05,111 --> 01:17:07,910
- Her mum's mum's mum.
- Me, you. Her mom's mum.
881
01:17:08,071 --> 01:17:09,990
Her mum's mum's mum.
882
01:17:10,151 --> 01:17:12,350
- Her mum's mum's mum.
- You.
883
01:17:12,511 --> 01:17:14,470
- And her mum's mum's mum.
- You.
884
01:17:14,631 --> 01:17:17,950
My problem today is
that I don't fit in there at all.
885
01:17:18,431 --> 01:17:19,990
I don't exist there.
886
01:17:20,431 --> 01:17:22,230
- How so?
- I don't exist there.
887
01:17:23,751 --> 01:17:27,510
We're talking about Juan,
about Genet, about Semprún, all that.
888
01:17:27,671 --> 01:17:31,790
I feel like
I was swept along in all this.
889
01:17:32,631 --> 01:17:34,990
I am not a powerful man
890
01:17:35,151 --> 01:17:38,190
who overpowered Carole.
891
01:17:39,391 --> 01:17:42,270
I am not that.
At least, I don't think I am.
892
01:17:45,991 --> 01:17:50,350
Yet she still spent 33 years
of her life with me, so over half.
893
01:17:56,231 --> 01:17:59,390
But I, if you like, was actually absent.
894
01:17:59,551 --> 01:18:02,190
I went through all this without...
895
01:18:04,511 --> 01:18:06,190
without playing my role.
896
01:18:07,591 --> 01:18:11,390
It reminds me
of my own cowardice, it's true.
897
01:18:12,191 --> 01:18:13,670
I know.
898
01:18:27,831 --> 01:18:32,950
In your family, men pass,
and God knows if they're important.
899
01:18:33,111 --> 01:18:34,910
First, they make children.
900
01:18:35,071 --> 01:18:38,910
But it's really something
901
01:18:39,071 --> 01:18:42,830
that you wrote,
mother to daughter, mother to daughter,
902
01:18:42,991 --> 01:18:44,950
through the generations.
903
01:18:45,111 --> 01:18:49,190
For now, only my mother
and I wrote about it.
904
01:18:49,351 --> 01:18:54,070
And I hope to have put an end
to precisely this kind of matriarchy
905
01:18:54,231 --> 01:18:57,590
that makes men somewhat secondary.
906
01:19:17,751 --> 01:19:19,670
I've been writing for days.
907
01:19:19,831 --> 01:19:23,710
Discipline of isolation,
alongside the truth of my loneliness.
908
01:19:23,871 --> 01:19:26,070
No doubt I'm responsible for it,
909
01:19:26,231 --> 01:19:29,310
but I vowed not to complain
in these notebooks.
910
01:19:29,471 --> 01:19:32,270
I just read a Duras quote online.
911
01:19:32,431 --> 01:19:36,390
She says, "Only the idea of two things
can free me from myself,
912
01:19:36,551 --> 01:19:38,870
the idea of suicide
and the idea of writing."
913
01:19:39,031 --> 01:19:41,750
The bitch, she holds the key.
914
01:19:41,911 --> 01:19:44,550
I still don't have it. At my age.
915
01:19:44,711 --> 01:19:48,110
Yes, but no one in her family
wrote before her.
916
01:19:48,271 --> 01:19:49,533
Around me, they did.
917
01:19:49,583 --> 01:19:52,390
That's where censorship
or the complex lies.
918
01:19:58,911 --> 01:20:00,750
INTERESTING, BUT...
919
01:20:07,191 --> 01:20:08,310
WE'RE SORRY...
920
01:20:09,911 --> 01:20:11,150
A RATHER VAGUE STORY...
921
01:20:16,551 --> 01:20:17,590
WEAKEST...
922
01:20:20,551 --> 01:20:21,350
WITH REGRET...
923
01:20:21,511 --> 01:20:22,990
MISSED THE POINT...
924
01:20:23,151 --> 01:20:24,230
UNFORTUNATELY...
925
01:20:28,831 --> 01:20:29,910
THIS BOOK HAS NO...
926
01:20:30,071 --> 01:20:31,390
UNFORTUNATELY...
927
01:20:32,671 --> 01:20:34,390
UNFORTUNATELY...
928
01:20:37,071 --> 01:20:39,190
WITH MY REGRET AND CONSIDERATION...
929
01:20:49,791 --> 01:20:52,030
Carole, with regards to your book,
930
01:20:52,191 --> 01:20:55,790
you told me the other day
you reread it and found it crap.
931
01:20:57,711 --> 01:20:59,150
Don't doubt yourself.
932
01:21:00,431 --> 01:21:03,710
For 18 months,
I've been preparing for my retirement.
933
01:21:04,551 --> 01:21:05,790
I'm flabbergasted,
934
01:21:05,951 --> 01:21:09,710
bewildered by the number
of unsuccessful books and screenplays.
935
01:21:10,631 --> 01:21:15,390
Some perhaps due to injustice,
but others were downright bad, immature.
936
01:21:16,831 --> 01:21:20,110
I am not bitter
about all those that did not succeed.
937
01:21:21,551 --> 01:21:24,510
It is what made me,
or what undid me, I don't know,
938
01:21:24,671 --> 01:21:26,830
but it's what made me who I am.
939
01:21:28,591 --> 01:21:31,073
My life may seem
like a series of failures.
940
01:21:31,123 --> 01:21:32,590
I don't see it that way.
941
01:21:34,031 --> 01:21:36,230
If I had to do it all again,
I think I would.
942
01:21:43,311 --> 01:21:45,150
I regret only one thing;
943
01:21:45,311 --> 01:21:49,310
the incredible lack of self-confidence
that has pervaded my life
944
01:21:49,471 --> 01:21:51,790
and, to be honest, still does.
945
01:21:53,311 --> 01:21:55,470
I don't want you to suffer that.
946
01:21:55,631 --> 01:21:58,110
As you would be wrong to,
like I was wrong.
947
01:22:00,311 --> 01:22:03,390
I do not believe in you blindly.
You amaze me daily.
948
01:22:05,311 --> 01:22:09,670
I'm glad to see you don't react like me.
I don't want to weigh you down.
949
01:22:11,511 --> 01:22:14,550
When I am stuck because of you,
it's no big deal.
950
01:22:15,431 --> 01:22:18,510
But if anything's bothering you,
it makes me sick.
951
01:22:25,271 --> 01:22:27,470
MONUMENTAL BLOW WITH REGARDS TO MY WORK.
952
01:22:27,631 --> 01:22:30,710
ALMOST WANT TO DIE (NOT LIVE ANYMORE).
953
01:22:39,471 --> 01:22:43,430
BLUE BLUE DEPRESSED. IT'S HARD TO WRITE.
EASIER THAN TO DIE.
954
01:22:51,511 --> 01:22:56,190
SHE CAN'T ANYMORE.
IT'S RIGHT HERE ON PAPER.
955
01:22:58,911 --> 01:23:02,870
She's taking more and more medication.
956
01:23:03,031 --> 01:23:04,990
It's terrible. A deterioration.
957
01:23:05,151 --> 01:23:07,070
It's awful. It's really awful.
958
01:23:07,231 --> 01:23:10,670
She's let herself...
959
01:23:10,831 --> 01:23:14,190
SHE CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE.
960
01:23:14,991 --> 01:23:19,790
MY DEATH WOULD HAVE NO MORE MEANING
THAN MY LIFE... I WANT TO DIE.
961
01:23:43,831 --> 01:23:47,430
Her whole life,
your mother wrote about wanting to die.
962
01:23:48,591 --> 01:23:49,790
Just like you.
963
01:23:54,791 --> 01:24:00,510
Like her, you inherited ownership
of the building we all lived in,
964
01:24:02,031 --> 01:24:03,990
and you sold it.
965
01:24:04,151 --> 01:24:06,657
You put everything
into the stock market.
966
01:24:06,707 --> 01:24:09,150
It collapsed,
and you lost everything.
967
01:24:42,831 --> 01:24:46,190
I am responsible for my solitude.
It is unbearable.
968
01:24:46,351 --> 01:24:49,590
What keeps me alive? Writing.
What a luxury!
969
01:24:49,751 --> 01:24:52,670
I will hold on to this luxury.
It is all I have left.
970
01:24:52,831 --> 01:24:55,630
I have never cared
about being like other people.
971
01:24:55,791 --> 01:24:58,110
Foresighted, efficient, employees,
972
01:24:58,271 --> 01:25:00,710
sowing a fruitful past,
retirement points,
973
01:25:00,871 --> 01:25:03,590
enriching accumulations
in every sense of the word,
974
01:25:03,751 --> 01:25:06,030
maintaining relationships, affinities.
975
01:25:06,191 --> 01:25:09,590
I don't know how to play the game well.
That excites me.
976
01:25:09,751 --> 01:25:10,866
I'm a Penelope,
977
01:25:10,916 --> 01:25:14,310
who never stops questioning the
day before, unravelling every second.
978
01:25:14,471 --> 01:25:17,270
Suddenly, no proof
of what I'd thought to build up
979
01:25:17,431 --> 01:25:21,550
until proof came through the attitude
of my children fleeing from me.
980
01:25:21,711 --> 01:25:24,750
Even my love for them is not credible.
981
01:25:53,551 --> 01:25:56,950
I'm looking for a job at the moment.
Do you have anything?
982
01:25:57,111 --> 01:25:58,790
In what field?
983
01:25:58,951 --> 01:26:03,550
Anything, because, you know... worries.
984
01:26:03,711 --> 01:26:05,310
Yeah.
985
01:26:05,471 --> 01:26:07,270
What are you into?
986
01:26:08,231 --> 01:26:12,990
I don't know.
I can write. I can take photos.
987
01:26:13,151 --> 01:26:18,670
But actually, I'm always beside...
I've never really...
988
01:26:18,831 --> 01:26:24,990
So, I've gotten by so far,
but I don't really have a job.
989
01:26:25,151 --> 01:26:28,390
When you found it,
what kind was it?
990
01:26:28,551 --> 01:26:31,110
I was a set photographer.
991
01:26:31,791 --> 01:26:33,190
I was a ghost writer.
992
01:26:34,671 --> 01:26:38,910
- But I've always done what I wanted.
- Yeah!
993
01:26:41,111 --> 01:26:43,310
I trust you on that!
994
01:26:43,471 --> 01:26:45,870
Then I was raising my kids.
995
01:26:46,031 --> 01:26:50,270
- How old are they?
- They're 25 and 30.
996
01:26:51,591 --> 01:26:53,603
And you have
a good relationship?
997
01:26:53,653 --> 01:26:56,430
They've not killed you yet,
that's not bad!
998
01:26:56,591 --> 01:27:01,790
- Not yet, but they want to sometimes.
- Yes, that's normal.
999
01:28:03,911 --> 01:28:08,830
I think about what Stevenson said
about a man who wrote
1000
01:28:08,991 --> 01:28:12,190
and was independently wealthy
due to an inheritance.
1001
01:28:12,351 --> 01:28:16,590
He knew that by buying a cigar, he
was shaving a few minutes of his life,
1002
01:28:16,751 --> 01:28:20,150
until the day he'd have none left.
1003
01:28:21,671 --> 01:28:24,950
Afterwards, he knew
that he would commit suicide.
1004
01:28:25,991 --> 01:28:29,950
I only read a few sentences
two years ago, I think.
1005
01:28:31,271 --> 01:28:34,670
And I wonder if this bet
may be the right one.
1006
01:28:36,271 --> 01:28:39,550
It's called being fed up.
1007
01:28:50,591 --> 01:28:53,630
And one night,
from your large bookcase,
1008
01:28:55,271 --> 01:28:56,790
you hanged yourself.