Ah, apologies.
Sorry, the thing is, uh, public speaking
has never been my, uh...
my... I can't even think of the word.
I, uh...
I would pretty much do anything to avoid public speaking.
Like, even die. I would die...
rather than public speak.
Like, if a meteor came and landed on us right now, I'd be relieved.
I'd be, like, "Come to papa."
Elijah, relax.
It's only a practice pitch.
We're all on the same team, right?
No pressure.
I mean, other than the Regal Blue Condom Company's future
and all of us who work here.
This pitch fails, we all go tits up.
- And we don't want that to happen. - Right.
As you all know, I'm a bit of a germaphobe.
Raw dog?
"Nah." I say, "Nah, dog."
And, um, and so there was this one time that I was making love
to a woman from... oh, it doesn't matter where...
but, uh, we were getting it on and I...
my testicles were becoming adjacent to things
I didn't want them to become adjacent to...
What is happening here? What are we...
I don't know, but I can't look away.
May I, uh, suggest a change of clothes?
Maybe a-a wet suit?
Let Elijah finish, please.
I relate to what you're saying because I, myself, have often felt a man's balls
lightly tapping me from behind like pieces of warm dog shit
dangling in a plastic poo-bag.
It's unnerving and disgusting.
That is unnerving.
Sorry, is Steve from HR here?
I didn't invite him. Ugh, the fun police.
Uh, actually, I'm here.
Oh, fuck.
Anyways, as you all know, um...
m-more prophylactics are sold during the World Cup
than any event on planet Earth.
Even more than the Valentine's Days.
Even more than the Olympics.
Raoul, that's your cue, "More than the Olympics."
Oh, sorry. Yeah.
- Uh... Yeah. - No. Yeah.
Oh, sh...
Oh, my God. Please get that away from me.
It's alive!
Okay, there's,
- uh... - T-Turn it off.
Okay.
I don't... There's a button somewhere.
Uh, may I, uh, be excused?
- Not now, Jeremy. - No, it's just I have a...
I got a hard out at 11:30, so...
Eleven-thirty?
- Yeah. - What can't move?
Dialysis.
- Oh, shit. - Yeah.
I'm sorry. Yeah. No, no problem.
Everybody do what they got to do.
Anyways, um, drumroll, please.
In order to win the World Cup account,
I have devised and designed
a condom that covers both the penis
and the testicles.
I call it...
Any time on that meteor, God.
The Testicle Sentinel.
Oh.
Yeah, it kind of sells itself, am I right?
For what it's worth, you designed the shit out of that condom.
It's one of the most amazing products I'll ever have the pleasure to pitch.
Yeah.
Hey, Brad, uh...
don't patronize me.
We both know that that was supposed to be a, uh, practice run.
Just a test. I was working out the kinks.
Oh, it had some kink.
What? It's a courtesy buffet.
Are you humming "We Built This City"?
Yep.
I do it because I'm not good at swallowing pills, so it's like...
When my throat's closing up, I just sing a little ditty and...
it goes down, distracted.
Ah, that...
Ooh.
You do understand that this is my product?
It's mine. It came from my brain.
I should be the one showcasing it.
Uh... not sure if I like that.
There's no "me" in "team."
It's, like, half the word.
Facts are facts.
There is no better designer than you, Elijah,
but there's no better salesman than Brad.
So you see, put that together, you're the perfect partners.
The steak... and the sizzle.
Yeah, no, that's how I see Brad.
He's all sizzle, no steak.
Opposites bring out the best in each other.
Think...
Ben and Jerry or chocolate and peanut butter.
- Michael and Fredo. - There you go.
Okay, but which one am I?
Oh, that's such a Fredo question.
Good morning, Senhor Santos,
and the rest of the esteemed Brazilian Travel Ministry.
My name is Brad. Brad Lewison.
But you, call me Brad from Sales.
I understand you guys just heard from Champ Condoms?
Ooh-ee.
Tough act to follow.
But where Regal Blue can't match Champ in size and scale,
they cannot match us in paixão.
I can only imagine, as a man of Brazil,
you know all about passion.
But sometimes
paixão can have unintended consequences.
We here at Regal Blue are all about protecting
our most prized possession.
A pênis...
is a terrible thing to expose to unwanted risk.
So, too, the vagina.
But they aren't the only valuables exposed in a vigorous session of lovemaking.
I'm talking about the unwanted guests at any passion party.
Os testículos.
Os testículos have long been transmitters
and/or receivers of unwelcome contaminants.
They are little round super-spreaders.
- Until now. - He's not wrong.
Introducing a condom that covers
not only the shaft and the head of the pênis
but also, thanks to our patented latex satchel technology,
os testículos themselves.
And the precious genetic seed inside.
Why hasn't anyone thought of this before?
Why indeed, Senhor Santos?
Why not allow Regal Blue to cup you and yours at the next World Cup?
Impressive.
Very impressive.
Truly.
I have only one question.
This condom, what do you call it?
- Great... - The Testicle Sentinel.
- Mm. - I don't know.
Sounds a little, mm...
clinical, eh?
Not too... not too sexy.
Which is why that working title was replaced with...
the Balls Up!
Now we're talking.
Little bolas de futebol right there on the condom.
I love it. I love it so much.
Bom.
The official condom of Brasil 2025 is...
the Balls Up!
This is gonna be an amazing partnership, Senhor Santos.
Please, call me Artur.
You got it, Artie.
Gentlemen, champagne.
"Champagna."
- How about a little toast? - No, no.
Not for me.
So sorry, but...
nine years in March.
You pussy.
I'm kidding.
Hey, you got some catching up to do.
Hey.
What do you got there?
Oh, this is an Abigail Breslin.
It's like a Shirley Temple but double the grenadine.
How about have a real fucking cocktail, huh?
We're cooking now.
Okay, I thought we were done cooking.
- Oh, no, I'm just getting cooking now. - Oh.
Yeah.
- Please don't muck it up. - Muck it up?
Were you not there this morning?
I was playing hero ball.
You two are so good together.
You don't see it, but I do.
- Hey, Artie, one toast. - No, no, please.
- Please, no, no. - You know what?
- No. - As a tradition...
Look, I don't even want you to drink.
Just a sniff.
To solidify the partnership.
Right, sure.
Just a sniff.
To you, Artie.
Have a drink.
Oh.
Oh, that's a...
That-that's-that's not a sniff.
Fuck it.
Opa!
Wow.
So, gentlemen.
What do you know about futebol?
Uh, uh, enough to realize it's-it's awesome.
The-the chants, the-the sliding on your knees when you score.
And that guy, he yells "goal" forever.
And at the end, orange slices.
It's a good game.
A game? A game?
No.
Futebol is science:
mathematics, physics, chemistry.
But also the humanities:
art, music, poetry.
It is also love, family...
community.
- It's a lot of things. - I mean, what isn't it, really?
And so perfectly simple.
Twenty-two men, one ball
and no hands.
Oh.
Goal...!
And this guy.
This guy.
We call him the enabler.
You know what?
I'm going to make sure you're there at the World Cup final.
- What? - Both of you.
The team behind Balls Up.
First-class travel.
VIP seats.
Wow.
You've earned it.
Thank you, Senhor Santos.
Hey, Artie. Let me ask you a question.
How well do you know el presidente?
- Lula? - Yeah.
We've been friends for 40 years.
You know, I was... I was thinking maybe we could pitch him the Balls Up, too.
Be the official condom of Brazil itself. What do you think?
- Great idea. - Huh?
Great idea.
Huh? And to celebrate...
another round or three.
Oh.
Maybe a round of waters.
Stay hydrated.
You're gonna muck this up.
It's a little hiccup. I'm gonna reel him back in.
- No, you're not. - Yeah, I got it.
You know what I haven't done in a muito long time?
- Skee-Ball? - Crack.
Crack?
I still know a guy.
The pulse of these speakers makes me hard
like diamonds.
What? No.
Hey, hey, hey, Senhor Santos.
I think you got to reel it in now.
- Check it. - What?
No, no, no! Senhor Santos!
Handle your shit, okay?
Oh, I'm handling my shit.
Who here wants a hot cup of c...
Opa! Whoa!
Oh, fuck.
Balls Up!
I hired you two to complement one another.
Shore up each other's weaknesses.
You who plays it too straight.
You who plays it too loose.
Two imperfect employees who might just compensate
for each other's fucking shortcomings!
Um, I just want to make sure that Steve is getting all this.
Steve from HR? No fucking way. Not today.
Today it's just us.
Um, already here.
Fucking hell.
This is about our client,
who, after a decade sober, slammed 11 shots,
smoked a half ball of black rock,
pulled down his pantalones,
tried to put one of our condoms over his penis...
And testicles.
And jumped off a fucking balcony buck naked.
Balls Up!
Wow.
Seven million views already?
There's no such thing as bad publicity.
What the fucking fuck?!
And one of those seven million views was the...
and I'm not fucking with you... president of Brazil,
who just this morning promptly fired Santos.
Oh, that's too bad.
- And us. - Us?
Any guesses what the official condom of the host country
of the 2025 World Cup is now?
It's the Champ Ultra-Thin.
What?
Those things don't even come close to covering the balls.
I can promise you this, boss.
- In the future, I... - The future?
What are you talking about, bro?
Do you understand? This company's ass is grass.
Consider this your exit interview, which I'm now going to conduct
with the seriousness of a massive shit.
Fuck you both.
You're fired, effective immediately.
Me, too?
You, too!
Bosswoman Burgess was right.
You are a true salesman.
That suit you're wearing... completely empty.
The only thing that Brad from Sales cares about is himself.
What's wrong with self-care?
Uh, if I'm not good enough for me, I'm not good enough for anyone.
Who the fuck else should I care about?
I'll tell you, you real...
Oh, perfect.
You could take a note or two from this guy Raoul.
Okay? This selfless soul.
Hey, man, is that my box?
Bosswoman just shitcanned me, too.
You two jackfuckers just sank Regal Blue.
And my medical coverage.
You'll bounce back.
If I die now, for any reason,
that's on you guys.
Adios forever...
slapper of backs, killer of dreams.
Hey, FYI, backslapping... it's an art.
You can't just slap a back and call it backslapping.
Wow. I want to hear your theory on face slapping
'cause-'cause you're about to get slapped in the face by me.
You're gonna slap me?
Ow!
Nope.
Okay, okay, okay.
Let's...
I could drop the box and we could do the whole dance,
but there is not enough Purell in the world.
Please. You're the sweater.
You know, I'm gonna think of a comeback and I'm gonna...
I'm gonna hit you on the way home.
- Yeah, I'll hold my breath. - Expect a text.
Yeah.
Hey.
Holy shit.
Oh, fuck me.
You, uh...
you good?
Fantastic.
Oh, yeah. Me, too.
Um...
Yeah, actually, couldn't be better.
You know, crazy, these finals tickets, huh?
Uh, probably bureaucracy.
Someone told someone in a department to send out the tickets.
They forgot not to.
- Lucky us. - Yeah, lucky us.
I mean, we were down big, now we're up big, so we're up huge on the swing.
- The swing? - The swing.
The swing is when you go from down to up instead of, like, level to up.
It's double the distance, so they call it the swing.
They don't call it the swing.
You do.
And it's dumb.
Brasil! Brasil!
What a spectacle.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, wherever you're watching around the world,
welcome along to the World Cup final 2025.
However bad you've had it, I've been worse.
Tudo bem?
What?
"How are you?"
- And get this, it also means "I'm fine." - Oh, tudo bem.
Yeah, so it's: Tudo bem? Tudo bem.
Just one of the gems from Contrails magazine.
That's funny. Check this out.
It's a translator app but in the voice of Larry David.
Tudo bem? Tudo bem.
How are you? I'm fine.
Isn't that awesome?
Time to gas up then.
Time to gas up. What is this?
- Oh, they spelled "sales" wrong... - I see that.
On the first one, so they had to give me...
a second one for free.
- Nice. - One for you and one for me.
Very cool.
I am going to partake.
Just first want to...
safeguard myself.
Over the last 39 days, 48 international teams have been whittled down to just two:
the hometown heroes of Brazil and their neighboring nemesis Argentina.
It's been four long years, but our agonizing wait ends tonight.
Mmm.
What?
So you have a little Brad from Sales in you after all.
- I guess so. - Yeah.
Bad Elijah.
He only appears every decade or so.
Kind of like a comet.
You think you know someone.
Ultra-Thin? Seriously?
That is an affront to every prophylactic ever.
- What is this? - Okay, it is loud!
It hasn't even started!
The moment has finally arrived, the World Cup final.
Two of the sport's biggest rivals playing off on the grandest stage.
The first time they've ever played in a World Cup final.
And off we go.
Argentina in their light blue and Brazil, of course, in their canary yellow.
Kick that shit!
Mmm.
That should be our mascot.
Not some fucking hot dog.
It's not a hot dog. It's a linguica, a Brazilian sausage.
Doesn't matt... It should be ours.
I don't think they would've let the mascot of the World Cup be a condom with balls.
I want to punch that dick right in the dick.
Late in the first half here, very tense.
Still goalless, but maybe Argentina can launch one final attack
as they look to take the lead.
Well, that's a nice move.
Now forward to Alberti.
He's got two defenders, and he's gone through them like a slalom skier.
- Big chance for Argentina! - No, no, no, no, no, no!
Goal...!
They scored! It's Alberti!
An incredible finish!
That is some bullshit!
Oh, my God.
Look at this.
Limp dick.
Hey, linguica!
Or should I say "limp-guiça"?
Brasil!
We are late in the second half here.
Argentina still up one-nil.
They're gonna be content now to just sit back,
absorb the pressure and try to gut out a win.
Time running out for the Seleção, though.
The 90 minutes are up. We are into stoppage time.
He's got a defender coming towards him and... oh!
Hello. That was a bad challenge.
Kill the Argentines!
I-I get it now.
They're-they're... they're, like, busting our balls.
- Who is? - The Champ's guys
who put all-all the ads and the sausage out there.
You know, just rubbing it in our faces.
What are you talking about?
Do you not see that?
It looks like a huge cock out there, laughing its ass off at us.
All right, stop it, all right? Sometimes a sausage is just a sausage.
Come on.
It's a cock!
Oh, my God. Now you're just being ridiculous.
Am I?
Wow, he's just dangling his dick and balls in our faces.
Jamming his member right into Jeremy's failing kidney.
All right, stop it, okay? This is madness.
If they really wanted to send a message,
they would've put a condom on the mascot.
As the clock ticks down, the Brazilian fans can hardly watch.
Look at this. Leo the Linguiça's even putting a rally cap on his head.
Oh, motherfucker!
Okay.
Okay, take-take it easy.
- He just looked right at us. - All right, calm down.
- Calm down. - Shit balls.
It doesn't matter. We're here, we're having fun.
Oh, that's an outstanding save
- by the goalkeeper. - Nice.
Catlike reflexes
in the Brazilian goal.
Perhaps with that goalkeeping takeout,
Brazil can now break out.
Hero ball.
No! Bad Elijah!
Here I come, sausage boy!
Yeah, you like...
Stop it! It's a linguica!
Oh, you... doing the worm?
Bad Elijah! Bad!
The twinkle-toed Pereyra is weaving his way through the Argentine defense
like a ballerina across the stage.
What's this, the mascot and two fans on the field?
He's one-on-one with the goalkeeper.
The goalkeeper goes down.
It's gonna be a goal... No!
O quê?
What just happened? This is absolute insanity.
Extraordinary. What on earth
- has gone on here? - Shit.
Two fans have invaded the pitch
and prevented Brazil from scoring
an equalizer late on in the World Cup final,
in the most ridiculous of circumstances.
Two idiots!
I've never seen anything like that in my entire life.
Now the officials have got a big decision to make here.
They're gonna need some help from upstairs with this.
And I reckon, you know, Brazil are gonna be out of luck.
The rule states, when anything on the field...
whether it's a referee, an object, an animal or a person... interferes,
and I quote here, "Play must be restarted
from the position of the match ball, without penalty."
The referee is going to apply the letter of the law.
Well, the Brazilians
are absolutely cooking about that decision.
The entire country of Brazil has been robbed.
Kill the Americans!
Uh vai morrer! Uh vai morrer! Uh vai morrer!
What are they saying?
You're gonna die!
You're gonna die! You're gonna die!
Uh vai morrer! Uh vai morrer! Uh vai morrer!
You're gonna die! You're gonna die!
- I think he's just talking about you. - Die, die, die!
Uh vai morrer! Uh vai morrer! Uh vai morrer!
Calm down!
It's only a game!
Uh vai morrer!
And there it is.
Argentina are the world champions in the most improbable finish ever.
Oh, no.
Oh, holy shit.
Oh, man.
Are we in hell?
Not far from.
This is all your fault, running onto that field.
Please, we would still have our jobs if it weren't for you.
That should be our condom mascot.
It wasn't a condom mascot.
How many fucking times do I have to tell you, it was a linguica!
Okay.
Okay, don't panic.
Oh, I'm not. That was midnight to 3:00.
There you go, thinking only of yourself.
I was talking to me.
Bom dia.
Bom dia. Obrigado.
Obrigado. Bom dia.
- Bom dia. - Bom dia.
- Good morning. - Hi.
Antonia Costa.
The best public defender in all of Brazil.
That's what Veja magazine will call me when I win this,
the "Trial of the Century."
I've never lost a case.
Of course, I've never won a case, but still, undefeated.
W... This is your first case?
This is my first day!
You know, the new girl drew the short straw.
Shit flows downhill, so I'm here.
Shit? What... what-what are we in that metaphor?
I can't believe you're going to represent these animals.
You would do this to your own country?
Pardon me, sir,
but you shouldn't be listening to this.
So let's just tap into that youthful enthusiasm, huh?
What-what's your plan?
Okay, so here's what we're gonna do.
- If I may, I was prelaw at Penn. - State.
P... State. Penn State. You didn't let me finish.
My mother thought that I was going to be an attorney.
Ever the contrarian, I'm not.
But I do recall
a certain U.S. v. Humberto Alvarez-Machain.
Oh, and I think I recall a certain, uh, Judge Joe Brown case
- "Shrimpin' Ain't Easy." So what? - Excuse me.
Just two minutes alone with them, please.
Can you just...
We're getting the death sentence, aren't we?
Yes.
After we torture you.
Again, why-why does he keep butting in?
No one asked for your opinion, von Frankenstein.
Look, forget about him.
I took the oath:
"I am the light that dispels the darkness of injustice."
No matter the terrible cost.
"No matter the te..." What te... I'm sorry, what terrible cost?
You're-you're a public defender.
Uh, yeah, but still, after this,
for sure I'll never be able to walk down the street again.
Shop for groceries, use a public restroom.
My mother will be ostracized at church.
My brothers will be bullied at school.
- Yikes. - But that doesn't matter.
I have a good plan to get you guys out of here.
Hold it right there.
Consider this your exit interview, Antonia Costas.
Wait, what are you doing?
Thinking of someone other than myself.
You and I have hurt too many people.
You're fired!
- What? No. - No.
Go. Go and buy your groceries,
and use a public restroom, if you have to.
If... maybe line the toilet seat with paper.
You're misunderstanding everything.
Just go.
We'll figure it out.
No chance they're figuring it out.
Uh, excuse me.
I'm their lawyer, I have the right to speak to them in private,
so if you could just step out, please.
You're not their lawyer. They just fired you.
'Cause they haven't heard my plan yet.
Get out. Out!
Guys, guys, unfire me.
Can I just leave my number?
Guys, you're not understanding the gravity of this situation.
Nice move, shit-brains... you just fired our only hope.
I'm not going to ruin that girl's life.
Yeah, and someday you're going to learn that no good deed goes unpunished.
I'll take it from here.
Senhor DeBell, Senhor Lewison...
The Stupids.
Now it's up to you, sir.
Brad. Elijah.
We know, "Os Estúpidos."
Ah, no, no.
Pay no attention to such vulgarities.
I am Jessel Cristos, Minister of Defense.
The Minister of Defense?
Jesus Christ.
I came straight from my jog.
My business, my mission, is the security of our great country
and everyone in it.
Which is why I came in early this morning,
to ensure nothing unjust happens to you.
Oh, yeah.
Please.
Very kind of you.
Come in, guys.
You're Americans. I must ask you,
do you understand how much hatred we have for our futebol rivals to the south?
My kid...
started to root for Argentina.
Little rebellion.
We haven't spoken since.
Well, teenagers can be very difficult.
The child was only nine.
Look, it was Elijah who ran onto that field.
- Oh... - The pitch, the pitch.
He ran on the fucking pitch.
- Selfish. - I told him to stop. He was drunk.
Shut the fuck up!
Enough of your nonsense!
The fear in your eyes.
You must think I'm some sort of corrupt, tin-pot martinet,
capable of committing whimsical violence with total impunity.
I'm sorry. Yeah.
Contrary to your ugly culturalist misconceptions,
I'm not going to chop off your hand
or throw you in some dungeon.
Or consider Venmo?
Or accept some paltry bribe.
What I am going to do instead...
is let you go.
You're gonna...
Here.
Door's unlocked.
Same elevator you rode up.
Go down to the lobby, then go straight, double doors right to the street.
Really? I cannot thank you enough.
You are so kind and compassionate.
Thank you.
I did not expect him to be that nice.
He really was like Jesus, very forgiving.
Forgiving?
Are you kidding me? Do you not see what just happened?
He is throwing us to the wolves.
What we needed was some sort of, like, police escort.
You know, armed guards taking us to a flight.
What we got was the streets.
- Holy shit. - The streets of Brazil.
You're right, and they're gonna recognize us.
I don't have one of those everyday faces like you.
No, not in Brazil you don't.
Okay. All right, you know what, don't freak out.
Crowds are like dogs... they smell fear,
- so you got to relax, act natural. - Mm-hmm.
Just smile, nod and tudo bem.
- Okay? - Tudo bem.
- Keep it on the low. - Yeah.
Come on.
Oh, shit. Oh, God.
Come on.
I don't know how long I can keep this smile going.
Will you fucking come on.
Oh, my God.
- Sorry. - Everybody's looking at us.
Oh, God.
Where are we even going?
- I don't know. - Oh, that's reassuring.
Oh, my God.
Shit, my phone.
- Let it go. - What?
I still have 18 months of payments.
- You didn't buy it outright? - No.
I spread it out, okay? Sounded like a good decision at the time.
Oh, I think that's how they get you.
The Stupids!
Americanos.
Oh, shit.
Go!
Oh, God.
Fuck.
Come on.
They're still coming.
"They" who?
"They" Brazil.
Get in!
Senhor Santos, what are you doing?
Handling my shit.
You look amazing, Artie.
I went on a two-month bender, but now I'm 23 days sober.
I must thank you.
You two gave me quite the wake-up call.
Huh.
Thank God everything's okay.
I mean, sure, my wife left me.
The courts took away my house and my kids.
I lost my job, my pension.
My dignity.
And that's not even getting into my withdrawal symptoms.
It's not the bugs on my skin. It's the bugs under my skin.
Why are you here? Why-why are you doing this for us?
The 12 Steps of Recovery.
This is number nine.
- Aiding and abetting? - Amends.
So what's the plan?
Don't look at me.
I've been in a pretty bad brain fog lately.
Did I mention that they had to shock my prefrontal cortex to stem the addiction?
So... awaiting your thoughts.
Look, Artie, you've been friends with el presidente forever.
Can't you guys just make up?
Oh, no, no, no, he's the most Brazilian person in Brazil.
Well, who the fuck in Brazil isn't Brazilian?
Oh! The U. S. Consulate.
- Genius. - Diplomatic immunity.
Hold on to your hats.
Shit.
Ow.
Learn how to drive, asshole.
Or don't learn. You're good.
No, you're fine.
Fuck.
Hola.
Uh, c-could you point us to the ambassador, please?
I don't think he speaks English.
Let me handle it.
Uh, tudo bem?
Gentlemen...
I'm going to ask you a simple question.
If you get it wrong...
I'm going to blow your head off.
Here's the question.
Is the answer yaysh or naow?
Uh, uh, I'm-I'm-I'm sorry, I wasn't completely able to understand.
Uh, uh, could you, could you repeat the question, please?
So is the answer yaysh or naow?
Uh...
D-Did you say "regout"?
What?
What is "regout"?
Bregout.
The English word "bregout."
Could... could you use it in a sentence?
It is very bregout.
So what's the answer?
Yaysh or naow? You first.
Um... I-I'm going to say yaysh.
What... what is yaysh?
You said...
I... I'm sorry.
I thought you said "yaysh or naow," and...
Hmm.
I-I'm gonna go naow.
You chose to answer different from your friend.
That means one of you...
is gonna die.
Because...
I am...
fucking with you!
You think I speak like that, "yaysh or naow"?
I learned really good English at University of Mississippi.
- Oh, go Rebels. - Oh, Rebels.
Ole Miss, yeah.
I think the big alumnus from there is, uh...
- Peyton Manning, right? - Eli.
Oh, you know Eli? Yeah, my brother-in-law met him
a couple times, didn't get along.
Yeah, yeah, I heard, I heard Eli's a little tricky.
Fuck that guy.
- Bradley. Elijah. - Yeah, Brad.
I am Pavio Curto Bundchen.
And these 300 square miles of jungle is my home.
Three hundred miles. How long was I out?
Half a day. You're gonna need an MRI if we ever get home.
You see, uh, this house, this cartel,
this whole country... there is nothing in Brazil that I could not have.
Including you two.
If I wanted, I could shoot three bullets in your dicks,
take a machete, pull them out, load them back into my gun
and shoot them in your brains.
If I had one request, just make mine brain, then dick.
I mean, once you've hit brain, you can go to town on dick.
Okay.
I'm gonna go dick first.
I mean, it's not great, but at least I won't be dead.
No brains or dicks today.
You may be wondering why I "kitchsnapped" you.
Yeah.
Elijah, I'm sure he's got his reasons. Read the room.
Speaking of rooms, this is beautiful.
- I mean, the whole place is just stunning. - Natural light.
You should've seen this place before.
It was a shithole...
rainforest as far as the eye could see
with indigenous people shitting on the floor.
So I drove them out,
I burned down 100,000 acres,
I put in a pool, a pickleball court,
and... how you call it... a mass gravy?
Mass grave. Yeah, that's what we call it.
♪ Here comes that rainy day feeling again ♪
Is it too warm?
Is it...? No. No, I'm fine.
No, no, no, you're sweating.
I'm such a terrible host.
We had the problem with the AC, so I asked Nando over here
- to fix it. - Hmm?
But I guess he didn't really manage to complete the job.
Forgive me.
Undercover polícia.
At least he was giving off that vibe for the last few years.
Although, to be fair, I have sometimes confused the undercover polícia vibe
for the holding in a poo vibe
because it's a very similar face.
Take him away.
The mass grave?
No, lazy river. Of course the mass grave!
Let-let me be the one to-to start, um, a three-part apology.
We-we... never would've done what we did
had we known how much you guys care about futebol.
You think I care about futebol?
I don't give 15 shits about futebol.
In fact, I hate it.
It's a stupid game.
Have you ever walked into a bar and seen a goal scored live?
It's always a highlight.
That's how rare these fucking goals are.
And don't get me started about the flopping.
Grown men making delicate nudges look like they've been shot with a bazooka.
Finally someone who gets it.
But here's the problem.
However much I hate futebol
is equal to how much I love money.
I'm not materialistic.
I don't love money. I just love the things that it can buy
- and the way you can control people. - Yeah.
Which is why, even though I hate futebol,
I put a little, big, huge bet on the World Cup final.
Um, um, how much money did you... we cause you to lose?
How much did I lose?
I fucking won!
I bet the under!
Brazil's shot goes in, I would've been 30 million reais down.
Instead, I'm 30 million up.
That's 60 million reais on the swing.
- The swing. - The swing is,
how do you explain it, when you go from the down to the up.
No, no, I know. He thinks the swing is dumb.
I'm-I'm coming around on the swing now.
I... The swing has swung.
The swing is so big this time,
all thanks to you two motherfuckers.
So glad we could help.
Um, uh, what-what, uh, Senhor Pavio Curto, um...
Please-please-please, call me Curt.
- Curt? - Curt.
Curt, um, just so I understand, you kidnapped us to...?
To party!
♪ In-a-gadda-da-vida, honey ♪
♪ Don't you know that I'm loving you? ♪
♪ In-a-gadda-da-vida, baby...
So, anyone?
Anyone. Just say their name and I kill them.
My gift to you, gordinho.
Oh, gosh, I got to think about that. Um...
Oh, Bosswoman Burgess, uh...
Wait, my doctor.
- Your doctor? - Yeah.
- What a judgmental prick this guy is. - Hmm.
So Doctor who?
No, do not take this down.
This is... I'm just reading the menu aloud. I'm not ordering.
- Anyone else? - Brad!
Brad.
Hey.
How nice of Curt to let us shower, loan us these cool duds.
- Look at this shit. - Yeah, that's great, man. Look at the TV.
In unusual but unsurprising news,
two Americans running amok in another country.
Brad Lewison and Elijah DeBell,
former employees of the now defunct Regal Blue Condom Company.
Oh, I couldn't believe it when I saw it.
Are you kidding me?
I mean, Brad, yes, of course, it was just a matter of time.
But Elijah, now, that...
- I don't want to watch this shit. - Was really out of character for him.
Have an opinion on what's been dubbed the Fiasco in Rio.
Frankly...
I-I'm embarrassed.
I mean, think about all the good the USA has done for South America...
the war on drugs, how the CIA ran their elections...
and all that good is gone now, evacuated into thin air,
all because of these two a-holes.
But the anger Americans are feeling
pales to the outrage that has swept across the fifth-largest country in the world.
If I got a chance,
I would kill those guys!
It's only a matter of time!
And they will be dead!
What is an embarrassment for America
has become a tragedy for Brazil.
Back to you, Alexi, in the studio.
All of soccer-obsessed Brazil is now hunting Lewison and DeBell.
- Okay. - Two thoughtless Americans...
Blah, blah, blah.
Everybody in Brazil want to punish you.
Not while I'm still alive.
- See? - More champagne!
- You're the best, Curt. - Thank you.
We're safe here with him.
- Relax. Relax. - Yeah, we're fine. Champagne's the answer.
- Oh, hey. Hi. - Hi.
You're the Americano.
Yeah.
You like karaoke?
Okey dokey.
How about titties?
A little bitty. Are these trick questions?
Will you sing me a song, gatinho?
Um, I don't know. I don't really...
Please.
- Well, no. - Entertain me.
- I don't really sing karaoke. - Just, just one s... one song.
I don't sing karaoke.
Sing me a fucking song, dude.
♪ But you didn't have to cut me off ♪
♪ make out like it never happened and that we were nothing ♪
♪ And I don't even need your love ♪
♪ Now you're just somebody that I used to know ♪
♪ Now and then, I think of all the times you screwed me over ♪
♪ but had me believing it was always something that I'd done ♪
♪ And I don't wanna live that way ♪
♪ reading into every word you say ♪
♪ You said that you could let it go ♪
♪ and I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know ♪
♪ But you didn't have to cut me off ♪
♪ make out like it never happened and that we were nothing ♪
♪ And I don't even need your love ♪
♪ Treat me like a stranger, and that feels so ♪
Bravo. So charming!
I love you two!
You are geniuses.
And now I want to reward you with anything you want
in the whole wide world, just name it.
Can we go home?
Almost anything.
You can never leave here.
I mean, you've seen how Brazil reacts to you.
It's too risky.
Is there anything else?
I got something.
And we call it the Testicle Sent...
the Balls Up.
Okay. Call it Balls Up.
Sorry.
Why'd nobody ever thought about this before?
You know, Elijah...
I never pictured myself in the condom business.
It's kind of a seedy industry.
I'd have to tell my mother I was...
dealing in meth,
but...
- That means I'm in. - You're in?
You're...
Hero ball.
It's about fucking time!
So much-needed protection
for my exposed testicles.
I couldn't care less about your testículos.
But imagine how much cocaína we can stuff into these condoms
that we can swallow and smuggle.
Wow, you'd kill.
I mean, these would be big cocaína sausages with meatballs.
This could transform the industry.
Let's just see if it's as durable as you say, okay?
Quick question.
What if I have a really strong gag reflex?
Well, maybe I decide that this condom wasn't fit for such use
and that you have wasted mine and my family's time
and that perhaps I should make a futebol out of your two cheeks.
I appreciate your honesty.
Just one gulp.
Mm, yeah, just swallow it whole.
Come on, you know I have the throat thing where it closes up.
Well, for God sakes, don't chew it.
Beautiful.
Lovely technique.
Well, those exercises worked.
Guessing this isn't you guys' first rodeo, huh?
Get it down.
Mm.
♪ We built this city ♪
♪ We built this city on rock and roll ♪
Is that...
Jefferson Starship?
Just Starship.
- They dropped the "Jefferson." - Did they?
Is there a problem? Do you want some, uh, Tabasco on it or something?
It's-it's too tasteless.
It's not the flavor so much.
It's more that it's a whole penis and balls full of cocaine
that could choke me to death.
I fully understand.
I got it.
Bravo!
- Yes! - What?
- Let's go back to the party, gatinho. - How'd you get it down?
- Hey, Brad, how'd you get it down? - Bye.
- It's easy, just suck it down. - Go back to the party.
Enjoy my cartel.
Those two... those two crazy kids.
Beautiful determination.
This sucks, man.
Time out. I'm sorry.
Is that Gisele?
What's, uh, what's the story on Gisele?
Is she another one of your conquests?
Why would I want to make a conquest of my sister?
Gisele i...
She's your sister?
Pavio Curto Bundchen.
Gisele Bundchen.
- Wow. - At the family gatherings,
everyone would say that I was going to go and be the supermodel
and that she would be the cartel leader.
Our father said that one of us had to go to university
to study cocaine dealing.
Being the eldest...
I did the honorable thing.
I gave up my dream so that she could follow hers.
Sure, she did fine,
but I could've been better.
I could've brought the world together...
in desire for me.
But she always craved attention.
I mean, even today, she surrounds herself with yes-men.
- Isn't that right, men? - Yes.
Hey, boss.
- Show him. - Yes.
No, no, no.
- Show him. - No, he doesn't want to see it.
Show him.
No, no, he's not interested.
I'm interested. This can wait.
He needs to see.
Please, Curt.
Dois minutos. Stay right there.
Actually not feeling too sexy.
Kind of bloated from that coke cock.
Mm, too bad.
I've always wanted to fuck the dick off an American.
Can we... can we stop just short of that?
Mm...
You st-still got it.
I could've been the greatest!
Yep.
You got three seconds to swallow.
When you put it like that.
That's interesting... balls first.
I wouldn't have expected that.
I figured if you get the balls down first, then everything else will follow.
To Balls Up!
Balls Up!
Elijah, a question.
I can see the resemblance now.
At least in the hair, right?
Have you seen your friend?
Brad? No. Uh, he went off with some...
That woman he left with? Emilia?
Yeah.
That's Pavio Curto's wife.
That's his wife?
See, my boss, he has had a lot of sex.
Like, a lot.
So much sex, it no longer get exciting for him.
So, in order to get him going,
Emilia, she find another man,
- seduces him... - Yeah.
- Then Pavio Curto catches her... - Oh.
Gets all mad, and...
those two go have sex while we torture the other man to death
using a broken cachaça bottle up the ass.
It-it's a whole thing.
It's, uh, it's a whole thing.
I... Guys, give me one minute.
- Toys? - Oh, you're gonna love this, Brad.
- I don't know about that. - Brad, hey.
Oh, hey, Lij.
Give me a Balls Up from the bottomless fanny pack of yours.
I need you to get off the bed, get the woman off of you right now.
Emilia!
Is this Americano taking advantage of you?
Yes. Yes, he was.
What? No, no, quite the contrary.
She was trying to fuck my dick off.
Brad, Brad, Brad.
We all know what happens now.
Actually, I don't.
Uh, you do?
What the...?
This is, this is just a misunderstanding.
I got confused when you said enjoy the cartel.
I-I thought you meant her.
What, you thought I meant to take the woman who's married to me
and try and put your pinto in her...?
Well, I-I didn't know you guys were married.
- I mean, she's, uh, she's very friendly. - Yeah...
Yeah, she is very friendly.
That's our nature. That's Brazil.
Her ex-husband is not even decomposed in the mass gravy.
My dear husband,
how will you avenge my honor?
I was thinking a little bit of murder.
Are you as turned on as I am?
Wait a minute.
Time out. I thought we were all friends here.
Davi, Benicio, you're just not gonna say anything?
No, you're not my friend, you piece of shit.
I grew up in a futebol- loving family.
I'm sorry.
Seriously, for the thousandth time,
it's only a game!
Yeah, one you're about to lose. Kill them.
Okay, fuck-boy, prepare to die.
It's time for analismo.
Gentlemen, please put him in position.
What?
It must have been the rival Cardosa cartel.
They will not stop until they kill everyone.
Please, shoot them in the dicks for me.
All right, we'll-we'll... we'll do our absolute best.
Kiss me.
Huh?
Kiss me.
What?
No, no, no, no.
Don't you dare let go.
Don't you die on us, Curt. Stay here.
Right here! Right here!
I don't know why I said that.
This is the best thing that could've happened to us.
Yeah, we need to get the fuck out of here. Now. Come on.
Okay.
- Oh, fuck. - Come on. Come on.
Careful you don't fall into the mass grave.
I think they just called our group.
Come on.
Oh, fuck. God.
Oh, my God.
There's got to be a hundred million dollars' worth of cocaine in this truck.
Yeah, about five mil in our stomachs.
Right now, intestines. You're not feeling that?
Oh, no.
Come on! Let's go!
Oh, my God.
I'm inhaling coke.
I've never done a drug in my life.
Murphy's Law.
He finally lets us invite a few bikini girls
to a party and...
Hey, is your stomach hurting?
It's probably that artichoke dip.
No. Wait. The cocaine!
The cocaine!
Holy shit.
Not only do you have a dick inside you,
but two ballbags too.
All thanks to those Americans.
What are they saying? What the fuck's going on?
Okay, wait.
My husband let down his guard,
and now he's dead, thanks to those dumb motherfuckers.
I'd like to chop them into little pieces
and eat them like peanuts all the way to Paraguay.
The tall one, "Brad"?
What an empty suit.
He thought he actually had a chance with me.
Zero chemistry.
It was like being motorboated
- by your brother. - What?
He got lucky.
Two more minutes, he'd have been tortured to death
with a broken bottle in his shithole.
Ah, Elijah...
He has such small-dick energy.
So neurotic.
Actually, I, uh,
I really, I shouldn't make fun.
OCD is sad.
Let's... We can stop.
- Give me this. Are you fucking... - Why are you...?
What the hell was that?
You all right?
I got... I got the wind knocked out of me.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Yeah.
Shit, I can't find my phone.
Oh, I got it.
- I got it in the thing. - What? Oh, God.
Thank you.
Oh, God.
- Shit. - Wow, that hurt.
Be quiet.
You know what?
I actually feel pretty good.
That's the coke.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Should we say a prayer?
For who?
For the horny killers who tried to kill us and are still gonna get us killed
- if we wait here for the other killers? - Oh, right.
I'll say something for them later.
All right, come on. Let's get going.
- What the fuck? Ow, shit. - What?
- My-my leg is fucked up. - No, no, no.
Come on, we got to go, man. We're in the middle of the jungle.
- Holy shit. - What?
Uh...
Nothing. Just don't look down.
- Now all I want to do is look down. - I know, but don't...
Oh, my God, my knee.
You know what my grandmother says in a moment like this?
Just fix my knee before the booger sugar wears off.
- Please. - Yeah, you're right.
Sorry.
Hey, before I do this, I just want to say...
Brad...
I love you, man.
Yeah, that's just the fucking coke talking.
I love you, too. Now get the knee.
- Fucking what the fuck? - You just say that because you're high?
- 'Cause I'm not just saying it. - The knee.
All right, the knee.
- Y'all ready for this? - It's the other one.
Oh. Absolutely.
Is it lefty loosey, righty tighty?
I don't think it works like... Oh, my God!
Oh, shit. Oh, my God.
I fixed that shit.
Tudo bem.
- Eh, tudo bem. Tudo bem. - Oh, my God.
Oh, you fixed my knee.
Thank you. Thank you.
So...
Love you, too.
What?
I know what this looks like.
Okay, now, careful. Just see if it... works.
Yeah.
- You all right? - Oh.
- It's genius. - Oh!
Good. I'm glad.
Now, to get us out of the jungle...
No bars. Okay, so no GPS.
But we do know that they were driving west to Paraguay.
The sun rises in the east, so...
No, I think it's backwards below the equator.
No, you couldn't be more wrong.
So what we have to do is we need to walk with our backs toward the morning light...
and then run until we get to Paraguay.
Okay. All right.
♪ Paraguay good times, come on ♪
♪ It's a Paraguaytion ♪
You think we're making good progress?
No. No, I don't.
And without bricks of cocaine,
- I'm starting to realize... - Don't say it.
- We are super fucked. - I said don't!
That's crazy to think about.
It's ironic, you know.
I used to fear that the rainforest was gonna be chopped down.
Now I'm starting to think they didn't chop it down fast enough.
You know what?
I remember you ruining a lunch or two with that bullshit rainforest thing.
Am I spoiling your good time, Brad?
No, no, you know what? I used to think Steve was the fun police.
But it's not. It's you.
It's been you the whole time.
Dude, when people laugh, they're not laughing with you.
They're laughing at you.
Did it ever occur to you that "from Sales" might be a pejorative?
You know what? Maybe they do laugh at me,
but they roll their eyes at you.
All your "No one's up to my standards," "I arrived early,"
"I left late," "I wiped down the microwave,"
"I kissed everybody's ass."
How'd that work out for you, huh?
So all that nice stuff you said back there, that was just, what?
I told you, that was cocaine. Okay?
And speaking of which...
we're gonna need some more yeyo if we want to survive.
No, I'm not doing more blow.
Really? So where are we gonna get the energy we need to get out of here?
Just nor... Don't snort me!
You want energy? Just use normal, real-life energy.
Normal energy is gonna run out.
I mean, unless you got, like, what, a leg of lamb you're not telling me about,
we're gonna need some blow, okay?
I think I know where we can get some.
Oh. Oh, no.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, do me a favor. Just take it over there, would you?
Yeah, no problem.
- And, Brad? - What?
What we're about to do, we never speak of.
Relax. We're just taking a dump, okay?
I may need your help.
Yeah, that goes to the grave.
I don't think I can do it.
Me, either.
Though they did come out sparkling clean.
That's actually by design.
Yeah, the, uh, patented latex blend we use,
it deflects any kind of contaminant, especially fecal matter.
You really are good with shit.
Yeah.
Me and my shit.
People, that's another story.
Well, at least you care about people.
That's more than I can say about me.
I don't feel like I have ever fully fit in with any group of people anywhere.
That's what I admire about you.
You don't try to fit in.
I mean, you're hated and you're fine with it.
- I'm not hated. - Yeah, you are.
Look, it's a compliment.
It means you have a strong ego, you're just you.
Me, I'm all fucking smiles and backslaps.
Fucking golf tan with a social security card.
Yeah, Brad from Sales.
They'll put that on my gravestone.
For the record, you are very good at what you do.
Also, I don't think we're gonna get gravestones.
Holy shit!
He just ate both of the coke condoms.
Thank God there wasn't poop on them. He'd be sick as a dog.
Oh, fuck me, did you not see Cocaine Bear?
I don't want to see a crocodile gacked out of its gourd on Brazilian blow.
I think it's an alligator.
Does it really matter when it's about to eat us?
Right, right.
Oh, shit, it's gonna charge us.
Did it... did it die?
I-I think I heard its heart explode.
Yes. Yes!
Yes, yes, its fucking heart exploded.
Oh, my God.
Hey, you ever have croco tacos?
Don't you mean gator taters?
I'm pretty sure it's an alligator.
Gator tacos.
Pretty good. Like muscly chicken.
Hey, do you think in the gator world,
he might've had a name?
In the gator world? What the fuck is wrong with you?
What? Animals do communicate.
Maybe they give each other names.
Oh, I feel horrible now. We just ate Lenny.
Shh. Hey. Hey, stop.
I think I heard something.
Oh, my God.
Maybe Lenny's friends are calling out for vengeance.
Shut up.
You know, there are tribes out here
who have never even made contact with actual human beings.
No, Pavio Curto chased them away for shitting on the floor.
I doubt Curt caught all of them.
There's a good cha...
Okay, tell me you heard that.
That was you.
- No, it wasn't me. - What?
Stay where you are! What do you guys think you're doing?
Oh, my God.
- Are you Americans? - Formerly.
We're nationless eco-fundamentalists now.
- Oh, that's cool. We can work with that. - Yeah.
We're here to stop the poaching trade.
- You're not poachers, are you? - Poachers? Oh, God, no.
I mean, dressed like this?
I-I won't even eat poached egg. It's disgusting.
Although I will say that that is the healthiest way to eat an egg.
You cook an egg poached, I mean, you lower the cholesterol oxidation.
Facts. Erewhon makes their poachies on a paleo yam tartine.
- It's delicious. - I love Erewhon.
You ever have their Eggs Benedict Cumberbatch?
- No. - They look kind of fucked-up,
but then you take a bite and you're like, "Give these motherfuckers an award."
So what are you guys doing out here?
That's a funny story.
Can I tell... No, no, no, go ahead. Tell it, tell it, tell it.
We were being used as drug mules by a dangerous cartel.
- We didn't know. - And then we escaped into the jungle.
Okay, this freaking narco guy's wife
starts crawling all over him, takes him upstairs.
- She wants to fuck him. - Yeah.
But it ended up being a weird kink where the narco guy wanted to watch me
fuck his wife, and then he tried to torture and kill me
- with a broken bottle up my ass. - It was...
It was a whole thing.
So, did you do it?
- Do...? - Oh, well, I couldn't,
'cause I had just gotten done, uh, swallowing a giant condom.
Same. Also, no one wanted to fuck me.
By the way, Brad from Sales.
Julie.
Patchouli Julie.
Okay, come on now.
Condoms.
Holy fuck. I know who these guys are.
Os Estúpidos.
Oh, um... are you guys soccer fans?
What you guys did was incredible.
Activism at its finest.
Disruption.
- Okay. - That's what we're all about, too.
- You guys are heroes. - Yes.
Nelson Mandela, Che Guevara.
- Hero ball. - Hero ball.
I told you.
Their stupid little soccer game.
They think it's so important.
Life or death.
It's like, no, that's bullshit, man.
Yeah, I mean, we've been saying that the whole time. Down with big soccer.
The real life or death is happening right here
- in this rainforest. - Mm-hmm.
The capitalists are doing everything they can to destroy this place
with no consideration for its indigenous people or beautiful wildlife.
Speaking of, this is... ♪ Yarimoey ♪
He's a local shaman who's blessed our mission here.
A pleasure to meet you, Yarimoey.
No!
- It's... ♪ Yarimoey ♪ - Oh.
You have to really kind of sing it.
Uh, pleasure to meet you... ♪ Yarimoey ♪
Yeah.
So, uh, you know, um, I'm a bit of an environmentalist myself.
Yeah?
I always recycle my Nespresso pods.
Make sure they don't end up in a landfill.
How do you recycle them?
I usually, I just throw them in the blue bin,
and then, you know, the good folks down at recycling finish the job,
completing the circle of life.
Look, I know it's not quite the same level as what you guys are doing,
or maybe it is in some way.
- So, what do you do? - Oh, not much.
I mean, I'm just a guy who invented the condom that covers the testicles.
It's probably gonna change the world.
Well, we know this guy won't be a customer.
- Why would you...? Why...? - He's got those innie balls.
They, like, disappear up into their ball cave.
Yeah.
Uh, undescended testicles, it's called, but they-they still work.
- You just can't see them. - Aw.
Sometimes he's got to dig them out like little earthquake victims.
Okay, well, this guy's got a huge cock.
It's just ridiculous.
I'm fine with that info getting out.
Well, let's hang tonight, guys.
We'll party, dance, fuck, sing.
- Okay. - Yeah?
- Fuck? - Yeah.
No, nah, that-that sounds very, uh, fun,
sounds great, but we-we... I think we need to get going.
First thing tomorrow, we'll take you guys downriver on our raft.
It's loaded with juices and a bunch of food.
That sounds so great. Thank you.
- And when we get to the ocean... - Come on.
There are plenty of ships that will smuggle you guys home.
And we'll get you on a good smuggle-ship,
not the ones that are all human-traffick-y.
Be careful.
Never pee in the water.
That's where the tiny, terrible vampire fish lives.
It swims up the urine stream,
gets into your bladder,
and eats you from the inside.
Yeah, I didn't, I didn't get any of that. I'm sorry.
What's he saying?
Not sure.
We have yet to master Yarimoey's tongue.
♪ Yarimoey ♪
This is so cool. I mean, this is awesome.
He's probably the last person on Earth to speak this language.
This tiny fish
has killed many large men.
- It's gibberish. - Yeah.
Who the hell would've thought we'd stumble into a Phish concert?
I mean, these guys are cool as shit.
- Want some wasca? - Um...
- Oh, that sounds interesting. - No.
- Uh, no, no. No ayahuasca. - I get it.
We're a little wasca'd out around here, too.
Hey.
You partake?
Uh... no, thanks.
He's a, he's a germaphobe.
Freshie.
Huh?
Give him a freshie.
That's Ed. He's our frog guy.
Hey, Ed. That's what you do, you're the frog guy?
Yeah, how did you get into
- that line of work? - That's cool.
Just, uh, catching...
You start...
You start catching frogs.
- That's cool. - Yeah.
I guess I was thinking more of the science behind it.
You know, the dosage and, uh,
chemical interactions, toxicity levels.
Hey, I got to go make a call.
- What? - I'll be back.
Oh.
Brad.
Hey, Brad.
What?
- Where are you going? - What do you mean, where am I going?
I'm about to give a little product demo to Patchouli Julie.
Why don't you go try to get with Trustafarian Tina over there?
You mean the one whose armpits look like the floor of an Armenian barbershop?
- Yeah, her. - Yeah, no, thanks.
Armpit hair is natural.
Nature's the most natural thing out here. Come on.
Just give me three minutes.
You have some kind of fuckup amnesia or something, huh?
Do you remember what happened the last time you did this?
You almost had a broken bottle shoved up your ass.
Yeah, that's 'cause you pitched your condom to a drug lord.
Okay, Curt liked the product.
Hey.
Oh, are you coming, too?
Yeah.
So there's a perfect lovemaking spot.
It's right up here.
Have you seen the bottoms of her feet?
They look like burnt baked potatoes.
I'm not fucking her feet.
Well, I mean, I might, but let's-let's just see where the night goes.
Come on. Live a little.
Guys.
- Brad... Okay. - Come on, check this out.
This the lovemaking spot?
- Yeah. - Oh.
Also where we keep the poachers we catch.
What the fuck?!
We hang them there as a warning to others.
Right on.
What, um, did they do to... the poaching with?
How'd they... Why are they dead?
Black caimans, mostly.
Black caimans?
Yeah, they're kind of like alligators.
- Told you. - You said alligator,
- not alligator-adjacent. - Okay.
They're beautiful, majestic reptiles.
Highly endangered.
And these poachers are killing them for their claws.
Wait, so you-you... you guys kill the poachers?
Yeah, we had to.
We tried the peaceful path, but it never worked,
so now it's an eye for an eye.
You kill one of the animals we came here to protect, we kill you.
That simple. Nobody gets to negotiate.
Eh, nobody?
What if you're the Pope or...?
Nobody! You could be Greta fucking Thunberg,
but if you kill one of these animals, you are dead! Dead!
Now let's get our fuck on.
Um...
with them watching?
Oh, I know, but in some ways, it's kind of like we're honoring them,
and them us.
By letting them dead-watch us fuck?
Yeah, I call them the Dead Poachers Society.
Sorry, speaking of watching,
is that a camera? The little...?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we have cameras all over the jungle.
Oh, but nobody's watching us right now.
They're reviewing today's footage for poachers
because we lost a signal on one of our favorite caimans, Morey.
So he had a name.
Uh, would you excuse us for a second?
Where are you going?
I'm just gonna go put on a condom.
I can put it on for you.
Oh, well, the... the thing is, this is really hard
'cause you got to put the nuts in and everything.
- He'll give me a hand. - No, no, it's not hard.
They slip right in.
I'm shy.
Then just say that. Don't besmirch the product.
We'll be right back.
- All right. - All right.
You have any run left in those legs?
I'd fucking better. Come on, come on.
- God! - Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, my God.
This claw is delicious. You got to try this.
Come on.
Damn it, Janet!
- No, that's... - The claw's the best part.
The claw's the best part. Let me high-five that.
Fuck! Julie's gonna make us go kill them now.
Yoip.
- "Yoip"?! - Well...
"Yoip"? That's all you got to fucking say is "yoip"?
I'm losing my mind out here, man.
Dude, I came here to protect the jungle, do ayahuasca and fuck Julie,
- not murder poachers! - Yeah, me, too, man.
- She doesn't even bone us. - This sucks, man.
She's literally boning everyone but us.
Okay, not everyone.
Everyone.
♪ Yarimoey? ♪
Yep, Yarimoey.
He is like a hundred years old!
What the fuck is she thinking?
Dude, I know, and she told me he has a split penis.
What does that mean?
Like he split it himself or it's that old?
God, what happened to her, man?
She was super dope back in Calabasas.
Now she's fucking split-cocks and killing poachers?
Hey, have you guys seen those two dudes? We were just about to smash,
and then they...
I would never steer you wrong when it comes to food.
- Mm-hmm. - What the fuck?
- Yoop. - You know what also?
- What? - It's a great back scratcher.
Let me try, let me try.
Look at that. Oh.
I can comb your hair.
Let me, let me, let me do it.
- Were you going to tell me about this? - Yeah, of course.
- Yeah. - We were just about to go
- kill those fuckers. - They are fucking dead.
They are fucking dead men, Julie!
- You said it right! You said it right! - Right.
A raft. There's a raft.
Come on.
Push.
Go, go, go, go!
Kill them!
Shit.
What the fuck?
We got to start paddling
or we're gonna be strung up, dead-watching her fuck!
We're gonna string you up, you bastards!
Keep firing!
Oh!
- Ow. - You ball-less fucking idiots.
You let them escape.
You wonder why I won't fuck you?
- We weren't wondering that. - The fuck you weren't.
We heard you in the hut. Everybody heard you.
Okay, we were wondering that.
Fuck's sake. Come on, Yarimoey.
♪ Yarimoey ♪
Shut the fuck up.
I got to fuck this rage out of my body.
Ooh.
Yeah, still no bars.
I'm gonna be different.
- If we ever make it out of here alive. - Stop it.
I'm serious.
I'm not messing around.
You watch, I'm gonna add a little steak to my sizzle.
Maybe I'll add a little sizzle to my steak.
Hey, Brad?
We're going to die out here, aren't we?
Oh, a hundred percent.
It's a fucking fact.
Oh.
These condoms actually make pretty good pillows, huh?
Courtesy buffet.
You want some more coconut water?
Nah, I'm good. Actually, I got to pee.
Ooh.
What's wrong?
Stage fright.
Can you just, uh, turn the other way?
You have your back to me. How do you know I'm looking?
I can feel you staring.
Actually, you know what?
We should probably save our pee.
In case we run out of water,
we don't want to die of thirst.
What are you talking about? You can't drink your piss.
I don't want your piss sloshing around the raft, so just dump it out.
You know, urine is completely sterile.
I don't care. Dump it out. It's nasty.
Okay.
Oh, dude.
Look at these minnows. They're drinking my pee.
What?
Look at this.
Holy shit.
Little piss fish.
Dumb bastards.
Oh, it's like they're smiling.
Oh, wait a minute.
I read about these things in National Geographic.
Holy shit,
did I just dodge a bullet.
Hmm?
Pull it out. Pull it out.
You pull it out. It's your penis.
Oh, God, I can't.
I got to squeeze with both hands, or it's going upstream.
This thing is really determined.
Please, please, get it.
Oh, God.
Please, please, please, please.
You got to get it. Get it. Get it.
Yeah, okay, okay, okay. Don't move, don't move.
It's too slippery. I can't get a grip.
Maybe if you get hard, you could, like, strangle it.
What? How am I supposed to get hard? I got a fish in my dick!
Uh, use your imagination.
Wh-What's your biggest fantasy?
Right now it's not having a fish in my dick!
Okay, yelling has never inspired anybody
to get a fish out of their friend's dick.
- Use your teeth. - Use my...?
Use your teeth.
- Oh, go on. - No.
Get the fucking thing now!
You use your teeth!
How? How? How? Tell me.
Uh, stretch your dick out and lean forward.
Don't you think if I could reach my mouth to my dick,
I would know that by now?
Please, Lij, I'm begging you.
You're my only hope. I need you to be a man right now!
Elijah, please, please, I'm begging you. I'm begging you.
Oh, God.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, yeah. Oh... - Stop saying "yeah."
Sorry.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Oh, oh.
Don't touch me.
- We never speak... - Speak of this again.
Right back at you, sailor boy.
Oh, God.
I just... I just need to be alone for a minute.
We have located the targets.
Boat! Boat!
Brad! Brad!
Boat, boat. Get up. Boat.
Hey!
- Oh, shit. - Hey!
- Hey! Hey! - Hey!
- Hey, we're saved. Hey! - Hey!
- Hey. Hey. - Whoo!
- Over here! - We're alive!
Hey!
Jesus Christ. It's Jessel Cristo.
Fuck!
Start paddling. Start paddling!
Out of the way.
Paddle.
- Oh, my God. - Come on!
What the...?
Estúpidos, indeed.
Get in the boat.
What, to give us one of those free-to-go bullshit speeches?
You know, I'm not one to use the Lord's name in vain,
but fuck you, Jessel Cristo.
Do you have any idea where you are?
Oh, my greatest fear is injustice
visited upon undeserving peoples.
Particularly on my watch.
No unjust thing will happens to you.
That... Was the accent a-a little racist?
- Right on the line. - Sorry.
I'm exploring the sizzle.
Okay, here's what's going to happen.
You are coming back with me,
you are going to be found guilty
of shattering the dreams of half a billion people,
you are going to go to prison and do hard labor for a year,
and then, if you live through this,
you will be free to go home.
No. Nope.
No, here's what's gonna happen, El General.
You are going to paddle your puny green bathtub back to wherever you came from
and deliver a message from Os Estúpidos.
You tell the people of Brazil
and the rest of the soccer-humping community in the world,
you tell them that we are very, very sorry,
but it is only a game.
And we're done paying for it.
Fine.
I'll pass along your heartfelt apology.
I'll also tell them what happened after you apologized.
That you and your esteemed colleague escaped to the ocean
on your intrepid wooden raft down the Iguazú River.
I like it. We'd be like folk heroes.
It's a win-win. Deal.
Thank you.
Let's go, Paulo!
Did you see the look on his face?
That took testículos, my friend.
I'm not used to testículos. I want to do that more often.
Oh. Whoo!
Hey, wait a minute.
What did he... what did he just call the river?
I think he called it the Ig-Iguazú or something.
You remember Contrails magazine?
- It had a little profile on... - The Iguazú River?
No, it wasn't the Iguazú River.
It was the Iguazú Falls.
The largest waterfall.
In Brazil?
No, in the world.
- We got to get to shore! - Well, fuck.
Come on.
The fucking oar is not doing anything.
- Ah. - Come on.
Oh, my God!
Oh, shit.
It's supposed to turn. Why isn't it turning?
This thing barely fucking moves.
Quick, condoms.
What?
Flotation devices.
Oh.
You ready?
Brad!
Brad, Brad.
Brad.
Brad, it's okay, buddy.
Oh, buddy.
Come on, Brad. Yeah, yeah, spit it out.
Come on, buddy.
Breathe, breathe.
Oh. Breathe, Brad, breathe!
Uh...
Oh, Brad.
Brad, yeah, yeah.
Get it out, buddy. Get it out, get it out.
Oh.
Hey, you're germ-free, right?
- Seriously? - Shut up.
Did you hear that?
- What? - Oh, no.
Oh, shit.
Oh!
You got to be fucking kidding me!
Oh.
Wait, please!
No, no, no. No, hold your fire.
Wait. Hold up, please.
Don't shoot.
Don't take him.
Take me.
- Come on, man. - No.
What's done is done.
This good man is not to blame.
Is he a bit of a tool? Absolutely.
But he's got a lot of new amazing stuff to invent.
And if I know Elijah, and I think I do,
testicles won't be the only thing he ends up saving.
So if you've got to serve some justice,
serve it to me.
Hey. Hey.
I am really sorry I made such a big deal out of sucking the fish out of your dick.
Relax. The Iguazú is more than just a river.
It's a border.
Welcome to...
Uruguay?
- Oh, my God, we're in Uruguay? - No.
No, we're not.
That's Argentina!
Our flags are very similar.
My country has been trying to save you two
since the moment you saved us.
Really?
Well, you could've fooled us.
Yeah, wh-where the hell have you guys been?
Oh, where have we been?
- Oh. - What the...?
Antonia? How...?
My name is Isadora Cortez, and I'm an officer
with the Agencia Federal de Inteligencia.
You're a spy?
Since the moment you were arrested, I've been running Operation Estúpidos.
- Huh? - Guys...
all you had to do was listen to me at the jail,
but you fired me before you even heard my plan.
I-I didn't fire you.
- He fired you. - To protect her.
Wow, it's absolutely true... no good deed goes unpunished.
- I told you. - Awesome.
We had a multimember extraction team waiting to whisk you two out of Brazil,
but you were always one step ahead of us.
Wait a second. Was that, was that the crowd chasing us down the alley?
No, that was the Brazilians.
Oh, good.
But we were there when Pavio Curto was about to kill you
with that cachaça bottle.
- That was you guys? - Of course.
Why did you guys run into the jungle after we shot him?
Curt said it was a rival drug gang.
That fucking liar.
Then we lost your cell phone signal and feared you were dead.
Our entire country has been praying for you.
You guys were praying for us?
Well, I guess our prayers have been answered.
¡Los Genios! ¡Vamos!
¡Argentina!
¡Argentina! ¡Argentina!
¡Argentina! ¡Argentina! ¡Argentina!
I'm not just the designer.
I'm also a client.
Your os testículos will never be the same.
Los testículos.
You're in Buenos Aires now.
And do you know what is better than being the condom of the World Cup?
Being the official condom of an entire country.
Tens milliones, por favor.
¡Argentina! ¡Argentina! ¡Argentina!
Yeah!
Whoo!
Hey!
A wise man once said, "Futebol is science:
mathematics, physics, chemistry.
But also the humanities:
art, music, poetry."
"It is also love,
family, community,"
orange slices...
and the greatest game in the world.
As for us, we settled into Argentina
like testículos into the Balls Up.
Put that on our gravestones.
So, we're getting gravestones?
Uh, better than gravestones.